Today, it’s all the way back to that crazy Christmas of 1991, when between The Return Of The Magic Roundabout and that awful Up Pompeii! revival special, a certain floppy-fringed indie band tried to get a way with a bit of no money for sleighbell-enhanced old rope…

Yesterday I thought that ants kept biting me but I could never find the little buggers! Either they were invisible ants or I was having intense sparkler-burn/nerve-exploding pains all over. It hurts! They are going away today, fortunately. Spooty invisible ants:(

My weekend was so stupid, I spent the entire time in a blur of ill and ick. I don’t know what brought it on, probably just this virus I’m ‘fighting off’ but it was pretty revolting. The brain fog was so deep I actually can’t remember some bits of the weekend. I was weak, exhausted, achy, blah blah blah. I don’t even want to talk about it anymore. Let’s just say it was bad.

Due to the aforementioned feelings of stupidness, I thought I might have imagined or dreamt this in my delirium of illness but NO – it really happened. Lil morphed into a maid and insisted on cleaning the house. She dressed in what she imagined was a maid’s uniform, swept and mopped the floors, washed up all the dishes, wiped down every available surface with lemony-scented something, waited on Titch hand and foot and did almost anything we asked of her – all weekend. It was pretty bizarre, let me tell you. My head is still spinning, unsure if this is some kind of hormonal-pre-teen-rebellion type thing? Is she on drugs? I’ve never seen her being so polite and well, clean. I am seriously worried.

In other recent news, I chopped all Titchy’s hair off. She asked for a boy haircut so I took her into the bathroom and started hacking great lumps of her lovely long hair off. It wasn’t till I had a huge mound of hair on the floor that I thought – Um, can I actually do this? It was a little scary but I figured if I aimed for a nice bob then I had plenty of room for error and could always rush her to the hairdressers first thing in the morning if I really messed up. Plus, I was planning on somehow making it all trusty’s fault if I screwed up, he really should know better than to let me handle sharp implements whilst unwell. I did say to Titch at one stage “I’m not a professional hairdresser you know” to which she replied “I know mum, I’ve known that since I was born”

It’s turned out pretty cute if i do say so myself:) It’s all straight on top and a mass of curls underneath! I’ve given it a bit of tidy up since this pic and everyone at school assumed she had been to a real hairdresser so I am keeping my super-mum status for the time being.

Tonight is the school carols-by-fake-candlelight-or-preferably-torchlight! (we still have total fire ban) which is very exciting because every class gets to sing up on stage and is therefore famous. Lil is extra famous because she gets to sing with the choir as well. It shall be a very exciting night indeed, beginning with a very posh ’sausage sizzle’ or as we say in the weirdy household ’snarfy snazzle’.

Yesterday while out shopping, after years of not owning even a bit of the stuff, I bought a bunch of (cheap nasty) make-up. It is going to stop me from looking so haggard and ill and will increase my waning self esteem by concealing all blemishes and pigmentation and such. Well that’s the plan – mostly so far it makes me sweat and sort of itch, especially around the eyes – I look great though! From now on I’m going to look fabulous even when I’m sick! I shall have to teach Lil to put my face on though, for those days when I’m too sore and weak to lift the hairbrush let alone paint myself with chemicals. If she keeps up this crazy maid-obsession maybe I can convince her to wash and brush my hair every day, iron my clothes, do my make-up. Oh, and Titch insists that she owes me a haircut now, so pretty soon I’ll be the most gorgeousy mummy in town, right?

m:)

Miley Cyrus greasing the climby pole at the Teen Video Awards — cellulite at 16?  Too many potato chip’n'banana on Wonder bread sandwiches back at the trailer, methinks.

Just a little reminder, parents buying Christmas gifts for daughters and nieces: don’t buy from godless transnational Disney Corp. and its best-known brand, Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Mountana-from-behind. The daughter of no-talent assclown and sometime male stripper Billy Ray Cyrus (a one-hit wonder known for his moving, lyrical “Leaky Reeky Fart” or something like that), Cyrus teaches young women to have self-esteem if they’re emotionally secure and work hard at studies and sports.

Just kidding! If they work the pole in whore’s drawers — please, Miley, the world doesn’t want to be your gynecologist — and ask men to treat them as objects to scratch itches on. Because, of course, men need that encouragement. If the hosebeast daughter ever covers Daddy’s one witless hit, it’ll doubtless become “Itchy Twitchy Twat.” ‘Cause that’s just the high caliber ofartist [sic] she is.

In this connection, you must, must, if you haven’t already, see the scintillating South Park season 13 episode “The Ring,” complete with brief Wagner allusion at the end for those of us who don’t have a beautician girlfriend to beat when she scratches the Camaro (admittedly a tiny percentage of Trey and Matt’s audience — we few, we happy few…).  It satirizes the absurd “purity ring” phenomenon peddled by Disney’s other pretend-wholesome musical phenom, faggy boy band The Jonas Brothers.   “Mr. Mouse” beats down when they cross his plan to “sell sex to little girls”:

And the brilliant, hysterical finale: “Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I’m selling sex to their daughters.  I’ve made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now.  And do you know why?  Because Christians are RETARDED!”

And so, dear believers, we are — if we sit there and let Disney Corp. and the rest of the Hollywood soft-core porn industry, the immensely rich and immensely evil Michael Eisners and Steven Spielbergs and Sumner Redstones, pipe their sewage directly into our living rooms day after day, night after night on The Disney Channel and the rest of their media outlets.  And all the while our grade-school girls sit there transfixed with their souls turning to sludge.  Please, Mom and Dad — buy your girls something else this Christmas.

Winter’s here…I know, yuck! Every winter season my hair and scalp always get dry, so I headed to my local natural beauty shop to remedy my problem. Here’s what I learned:

Try a shampoo and/or conditioner with Tea Tree Oil in the ingredients

Tea Tree? What’s that? Its an essential oil obtained by steam distillation of leaves of a Melaleuca alterifolia, a plant native to Austraila.

So why should I use it in my hair? Tea Tree Oil has a healing and soothing property that helps skin cuts, burns and infections.

Ok so really why should I put this in my hair? Tea Tree Oil contains consituents called terpenoids, which have been found to have antiseptic and antifungal activity. If you are someone who is struggling with a dry, itchy scalp, Tea Tree Oil is a natural product that can help to eliminate your scalp problem. Tea Tree Oil can significantly reduce the symptoms of dandruff, leaving you flake free and confident!

I picked up a shampoo with Tea Tree included, called Giovanni. Here’s a link to their website: http://www.giovannicosmetics.com/ I have only used the product once, but I’m hoping it will help my scalp without all the harmful and stripping chemicals found in everyday dandruff products.

I will keep you informed on my opinion of the product!

Have you used any dry scalp or dandruff products?? What did you think of them???

Victorian Ice Skating 3D Pom Pom Mohair Embellished Long Ugly Sweater (sold! sorry!)

This is a fine example of what you can wear to a politically-correct non-denominational “holiday” party. No Santa, no Rudolph, no gifts, no snowmen, no jingle bells, no baby Jesus in a manger, no kitties, no teddy bears, no Scottie dogs. No fun.

What’s best is its not only mohair, but a blend of mohair and acrylic. Itchy AND scratchy!

If you read the description on the site, its all about fuzzy balls and pink trim. Maybe those Victorians weren’t such prudes after all?

Masada Get a Free sample packet of Masada’s Psorialeve Skin Calming Cream.

http://www.freakyfreddies.com

Faces gather at a candle. It’s a stone carving mounted in the old entrance to the Museum of Legion of Honor. I pause here for ablutions with my Grandmother before going in. This carving is ancient or new. It is called Hope. The entrance was redesigned. I never found Hope again except in Absolute Twisted Zero.

I don’t mind doing Things alone that are not things. I am Alive. I am unable to do Some Things.

It’s natural to be afraid of what we do not Know. I am not afraid of what I do not Know. I am afraid of what I cannot do. In my town, we don’t burn witches. We have more subtle means. Turning you into a Lost Work of Art may be too good for gimps who should be witches.

We forget what weasels do. Around the holidays some homes get Itchy and Edgy. Some get Weasels. Not Everybody Else gets Lost Works of Art for the holidays.

Around the holidays my friends Itchy & Edgy usually hang out. They run a three ring circus back home. Here they are just kids in a candy store. Lost Works of Art are not entirely lost. What is Missing is once Known.

When parts of my identity are Missing there are misunderstandings. This is unfortunate among us. Everybody Else thinks their intentions are good. How can you Know for sure if parts are Missing. Leaps of Faith involve Trusting yourself, too. My unconscious is clean. It’s just parts of my Identity are Missing.

The Divine use of the pit is Work on What Has Been Spoiled. Attitude is Everything Else. Duty is Approached with Devotion and abundance is Every Where. The Great Mandala is written hieroglyphics because I do no use Deep Reading Techniques here. I read my Heart. A Leap of Faith is becoming a Lost Work of Art.

From the rotting fruit under the tree comes new trees. In the pit or in my Heart there is no despair at Work on What Has Been Spoiled. It is good Work. The path of my Routine has entered the Great Mandala.

Lagunatic notices that Julian is being very quiet in the corner behind the sofa.

“Julian, what are you doing?”

“I’m picking all the stuff out of my bum.”

“Ok, you better go wash your hands,,,,you bum is really dirty, you know?”

“But, it itches!! I have to get all the stuff out!!”

I know – you’re all sitting there just wishing you had my life, aren’t you?

So of course I had to share.

It doesn’t look nearly as gnarly in this photo as it does in person, nor is it as huge and disgusting as it was two days ago,

but I was bitten by a stealthy spider creeper in the dark of the night. I actually have two bites, the second is two inches below that one but more on my side than my chest. Grossss. I’m so disgusted by the fact that a spider was RIGHT THERE.

But anyway, I’m just posting and running because I wanted to catalog something.

I’m a freak of nature and therefore I am participating in the WhatDrivesEdward.com contest to win a Volvo XC60. There are different little games you have to play in order to make it to the last round and then you have to be the first person to solve the last round… yatta yatta yatta. So anyway, these games? They’re FREAKING HARD. Who the hell came up with this crap!!?

I’m posting the answers to the fourth phase because it took me like literally two days to find them and I was pretty pissed. So anyway, here ya go twilighters.

Put the Fan Rankings of the Volvo XC60’s features in order:
City Safety
Blind Spot Information System
Panoramic Roof
Rear Park Assist Camera
Storage Capacity
DNA Lamps
Rear Seat Entertainment
Whiplash Protection System

There. So enjoy, people.

Off to work in the slave mines called homework again, so I’ll post later. Probably in a week when I’m on my flights to Reno!

Today marks the third night of my 30 Day Experiment. I realized that I could not bear to eat the same candy bar for 10 days straight so I tweaked the rules a little bit: Eat any type of chocolate bar for 10 days. For the first 3 days, I had Snickers.

Before I tell you how I physically feel right now, I think it would make sense to let you know how I physically feel on a normal day. When I wake up in the morning: parts of my face are slightly red due to inflammation, the creases of both my elbows are severely dry, and my body, in general, is little drier than what it was the night before. After I wake up: I brush my teeth, wash my face with soap, and moisturize my skin with Cetaphil. Doing this helps me feel less itchy and of course.. feel less dry. During the day, random places of my body feel irritated: my head, neck, shoulders, back, elbow, etc. My whole body is pretty much prone to feeling irritated, but I only feel irritated sometimes.

Now, after 3 days of regular eating and a daily bar of snickers: I feel quite the same. I feel average. I might feel a little more itchy, but that might be because the air is colder and it’s causing my skin to feel more dry. It’s too hard to say anything right now. I’ll have a better idea of how I feel in the next few days.. we’ll see :]

ARGH!!

Just came back from my 8days stay-in camp, and imma down with HIVES.

It’s so freaking itchy and I couldn’t sleep for days!

Took some Antihistamine but as I thought, it stops for a day, and the itch will be back the next.

Been waking up like every once an hour!!

I wish to squeeze and scratch the humps SO much but I know that will just spread the itch and hence I’m kinda enduring it.

Meeting up with Ivan and Mark for chicken rice tomorrow and they’re gonna choke me with it. AND I prolly couldn’t reject it for it’s a treat.

Depressing tuesday, for WOW is on MAINTENANCE.

10:21am

Why am I itching all over?!

Allergies and Your Immune System

“How can chiropractic care help with allergies?” I hear that question all the time.  The simplest explanation I can give is that allergies are an exaggerated response of your immune system.  So if we can get your immune system functioning more normally, your response to dust, pollen, mold, etc. won’t be so drastic that you have itchy eyes, runny nose, sneezing, difficulty breathing, and numerous other symptoms of an allergic response.  Chiropractic gets the systems of the body functioning more normally by removing irritation to the nerves that come from the brain, down the spinal cord, out the spinal nerves and to the tissues.

Nerve Flow

If you read my first blog, you can tell I love analogies.  A good one that definitely oversimplifies nerve flow, but helps you understand it,  is to think of a water hose.  If you turn it on and it doesn’t have any kinks the water flows out of it in a nice smooth stream.  But if you completely bend and kink it up, the flow stops.  Most times we don’t get a complete block in it though, let’s say you just barely step on it.  Now the water gets a little more sporadic, it squirts out a little faster and uneven.  Nerve irritation is similar in that if you completely severe the nerve or block it completely, there is no function.  But if you just put some pressure on a nerve, the flow of the nerve becomes sporadic or exaggerated and the body responds in a “not so normal” way.

Pay Attention to Your Body

Don’t you ever wonder why some people in the same family with the same lifestyles and eating habits have allergies while the others don’t?  They’re exposed to the same allergens yet some people are sensitive to them and others aren’t.  This is just another example of your body giving you warning signs that it’s not functioning normally.  Hopefully, this will serve as a reminder to pay attention to your body.  I’m amazed at really major changes in quality of life with minor movements of the vertebra and minor changes in lifestyle.

For Example

I recently had an excellent example of how much nerve irritation can cause the body’s immune system to function abnormally.  I had a patient in my office with complaints of severe allergies that began very suddenly after a weekend trip to another state.  He had slept uncomfortably that weekend and upon returning home, he began having itchy, watery eyes, and a runny nose.  This got progressively worse over the next few years and began to severely restrict his abilities to work in his yard.  After his first week of chiropractic adjustments, he was able to do yard work without ANY allergic symptoms.  Most people think you’re either born with allergies or you’re not.  This is not the case at all.  We develop our immune system.  The better we can develop and maintain it, the better it will work for us.

If I can be of any assistance to you or anyone you care about, please do not hesitate to contact me at (405) 728-3138.

Sincerely,

Tracy L. Calamaio, D.C.

TLC Chiropractic Clinic

Yesterday, previously thought to be a perfectly okay sort of day, actually turned on me and revealed it’s true evil. There I was writing my assignment, copious amounts of well phrased words pouring from my little fingertips, the dishes were washed, i had even (against doctors orders) hung a couple loads of laundry and, if you must know, was engaging in some textual flirtation with the trusty sidekick to boot. Ok, so it wasn’t a perfect day nor an excitement filled day, but i was enjoying it and apart from feeling  lethargic and my sore neck still being, well, sore, I was having a  good day.

Bam! outta nowhere it all went downhill. First my brain packed up its little tiny suitcase and decided an impromptu vacation was in order. My writing went from well-phrased to basic point form note-making in a matter of minutes. My brain-to-mouth communication highway shut down as discovered during an important phone call, and amongst this sudden brain fog, my post-swine-flu-jab headache flared up again, my sore neck decided to join in, both my needle sites started to ache and I felt, well, rather ordinary.

By 5:30 I felt exhausted and overwhelmed. I couldn’t think what or how to cook dinner so the children’s meal consisted of:

• peanut butter sandwich
• slice of banana bread
• plain yoghurt
• diced peaches

That’s a balanced meal, right? I commend myself for performing so well under such conditions.

By 7pm i was on my bed, half asleep, half listening to the girls getting ready for bedtime. It felt like pain of one kind or another had invaded every inch of my body and I was shivering uncontrollably. At 7:30 I got up long enough to kiss the girls goodnight and implant myself into a very very hot shower in the dark. By 8, I was back in bed, my headache really intense, my eyes not able to tolerate any light, my neck and shoulder cramping badly, muscle pains all over my body, feeling feverish and flu-ish, my jabbed arm burning and itching and my head and stomach swirling uncontrollably.  I tried to sleep, all i wanted to do was sleep but i felt as though i couldn’t breathe properly, kept waking as though startled every time i started to nod off and my mind would not stop racing. I was thinking scary thoughts and worrying, my heart palpitating and mini panic-attacks hitting me every few minutes.  I was very nauseas and felt like i was coming down with the flu as well as like i’d been run over by a steamroller. I felt like a complete nutcase- a really sick and sore one. I would have panicked that it was an inoculation reaction, but no, i’ve encountered these feeling before. just never so intense.

I think i have definitely had a minor reaction to the H1N1 jab, my arm is very sore with a burning feeling and is extremely itchy with a big lump in my muscle which my doctor told me would. not. happen. Turns out my arm doesn’t like mercury or eggs. I have had the very intense headache since the jab too.

I get blood test results tomorrow and will know then if I have something new, or am stuck with the spooty fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue diagnosis. My thyroid levels are being checked too to see if Hashi’s has a hand in making me feel so junk.

Today i woke feeling revolting but, proud to report, got through an entire day’s work in the classroom. Yes there were times i couldn’t think straight, said the slightly wrong thing, had to sit because my legs wouldn’t hold me and wanted to shake certain children, but i did it! The other teacher aides were in bee-yat-ch mode today too, and I managed to restrain myself very well and not start any fights in the playground / staff room. One told me how to go up stairs correctly and the other told me how to hang a towel to dry, Yes, they truly think I am a dumbass and they need to feel superior in any small way they can find. I did not thank them for my new found knowledge of the mundane.

WEll, off now. I can feel another early night coming on. m:)

ps. btw, sidekick showed up on my door step on his trusty steed phoned last night in my hour of need. I made him play a game that he hates : tell me a story. He told me about sunsets and twilights on the river as he walks home which calmed me down and made me feel better-ish,  still hurty but loved. The only thing worse than feeling sick is feeling sick and alone. Luv ya guts trusty;)

Thank goodness, my fingernails are  chewed short, otherwise I’d look like I got into a fight with a couple of cats and LOST. I’ve got a tube of Cortaid in one hand. The other hand is scratching away, like an old mangy dog.

Seriously, I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I thought it might be the new bottle of soap I got at Costco. It’s Neutrogena brand,  possibly I’m allergic to an ingredient used in it’s making, or maybe even my detergent. I checked and I didn’t buy the clear brand. It was a  lavender fragrance.

However, my HEAD is also itching. I KNOW I didn’t put detergent, nor body wash on my head.  Surely, I’m not turning into the bubble kid. I’ve been working out. Am I, all the sudden, allergic to my sweat?

Tuesday night, I was itching so incredibly bad, I am sure other students in Italian class were happy to be sitting away from me.  I was using my black ball point pen. I’d unclick the ink and and scrape with the metal tubing. Arms,  legs, then back. One time I forgot to unclick the pen and had black marks all up and down my arm.  How embarrassing!

Sometimes, there are tiny bumps, like really small ant bites,  but mostly nothing at all.  Just bright red squares of skin, irritated by fingers clawing it. I even woke up digging at my back in my sleep.

I thought, at first, it might be dry skin. I bought some Aveeno intense body cream. You know what? It hasn’t helped either. Twelve bucks down the drain.

My last resort is Benadryl, and I do mean last. Benadryl turns me into a monster. Seriously,  like my mother when we were little and she’d wake up from her nap. Angry, crazy-eyed, and on the war path. (shudder)

I wish I could say the itching was isolated to a certain place, but it’s not. Just today, here is how it went. Woke up with my lower back itching. Then, my arms were itching. Since I’ve been at my desk, my arm, left hand, left ear, right inner elbow, left side neck, and right side head have been on fire. It stings they itch so bad.

Do you feel like you have bugs crawling on you? Poison ivy? Ants in your pants? I do. I need some major itchy owie or a day in an oatmeal bath.

So, don’t mind me, apparently I’m allergic to AIR. At least typing keeps my fingers busy.

If you have secret remedies, please share. I am about five seconds away from checking myself into the funny farm.

Afterwards, I had invited a few friends from my class to a party at my little townhouse. My family and my one best friend, Doron, met up at my house following the ceremony, and we celebrated my day with a beautiful vanilla cake, white as paper (with Nutella filling between the soft layers) and extremely delectable. 

Vanilla and Nutella Celebratory Communion Cake

A few hours passed and none of my friends showed up. I received a phone call from a friend, who apologized for not showing up, because it turns out that Lilly, another classmate, had thrown a bigger and flashier party, and most of my classmates had chosen to go there instead.

I should have been angry and feeling sad, but I was with my family, and I remember the distinct feeling of relief that at least my best friend had chosen to come to my party, even if no one else had.

I was also ecstatic that I had gotten to take off the itchy, albeit beautiful (yet far too puffy) white dress, and celebrate with my family.

So, although I was ditched by most of my “friends”, the people who mattered were there. 

And of course, the boy that mattered was there.

There were about thirty of us, all seated in the front of St. Cecilia’s church, and all acting our age—giggling uncontrollably at times, but also anxious to receive the Host for the first time.

Preparing For Our First Communion

I was nervous, shaking, and itchy from the white dress. I kept turning around to see my family, and my mom kept shaking her head ever so subtly, a sign that I needed to turn back around and pay attention.

I was eight years old—what did I know?

All thirty of us eventually made a line and received the Host one by one.

My son went away for the school holidays, and has returned to me in many pieces.

He has lice- or as I like to call them, ‘insect vampires’.

He has a family of insects living on his head, feeding off his blood and laying eggs on his hair.

Needless to say our relationship  is suffering, in that it is hard to show love for someone you are physically repulsed by.

Me and Rob just kicking back.

Robert Pattinson tries to make feeding off human blood look sexy.  It is not sexy.  It is immoral and mean.  He is a giant louse.  (If I were also a louse I would probably hang out with him.  I’d like to think I could keep him grounded.)

I feel itchy right now.  I tell myself that it is not insect related.  But the more I think about it, the more I can start feeling individual insects clamouring from follicle to follicle like prehistoric, six-legged monkeys.

And the more I think about it, the more I think about the goals and aspirations of my hypothetical parasites.  What do they want from life?  Job satisfaction?  A happy family?  Is my scalp prime real estate- or the ghetto?  Do they give inspirational talks to the lice on their next host’s head, describing their impoverished upbringing and their escape to better conditions?

Are there ‘losers’ amongst my lice?  Are some self medicating by overeating?  Are there infertile lice, desperately trying to conceive, whilst smug teenage lice bang them out like firecrackers?  Is child abuse an issue?

The more I think about it, the further the itching spreads.  It is no longer confined to my head.  My legs itch.  My teeth itch.

I look at my son.  He is too ignorant to know he should be ashamed of himself for harbouring criminals.  It’s a blessing really.  If it was me I would seriously be considering a bit of self harm.

For kids it is no big deal.  Harbouring diseased and general hideousness is a passion of theirs- and they are good at it.  Ringworm- awesome.  Scabies- cute.

I was on a plane the other day.  A child was in front of me.  It turned around in its seat, leaned over towards me- and coughed.  It was no ordinary cough.  It was a cough that sounded disconcertingly percussive.  After which, he stared at me intently.

Just as I was about to retaliate with a witty, “Did you get eyes for Christmas?”,  it dawned on me.  I cannot fight the fact that children are feral.  They are.  My kid is.  I was.  Sometimes I still am.

As a child, it is a rite of passage to be surrounded in filth.  Every scab, every weeping sore, every boil and parasite helps weave together the rich tapestry that is our childhood.  And every bit of scum they subject themselves to is building an immune system to be proud of.  Being a bit hideous is something we let go of as adults and our health is not better for it.

So hug a snot nosed toddler!  Lick a coughing baby!  Look a conjunctivitis ridden child in the eye!  Brush up against a girl with the chicken pox and say “I admire you.  You dont even notice how repulsed the world is by you.  You are a walking immunisation shot, and for that- I thank you.”

And now, I shall be eternally grateful I have a son, not a daughter, as I shave his hair off and leave an entire generation of Robert’s mates homeless, and eventually dead.

The itching on my head subsides.

I am in one piece.

Sharon TateBREEDS JACK RUSSELL TERRIER, PIT-BULL-LABRADOR-WHIPPET MIX, AND AMERICAN BULLDOG (RESPECTIVELY) SEXES FEMALE, MALE. AND MALE AGES IN HUMAN YEARS 8 OR 9.12. AND 8 OR 9 WEIGHTS 15 POUNDS, 50 – 60 POUNDS, AND 110 POUNDS

They can tell my wife’s car when she rounds a corner at the bottom of the hill just from the way the motor sounds.

Two years ago, we bought a new car. One day, the dogs started going crazy. I’m like, OK, Mack’s home. I get up and look, and it’s not her—this is, like, two days after we got the car—it’s the same make of car but it wasn’t her. So they had tuned in the make of the car, but they hadn’t tuned in her make yet. That’s how aware they are of the world around them.

Do you feel any kinship with your dogs, like a human friendship? Oh yeah. Far beyond anything —I don’t want to think about not having them… My wife is so into the dogs, she wouldn’t sell them for any price. A funny joke I’ll play on her is, “OK, let’s say the house is burning, and you can only save me or the dogs. Who’s it gonna be?” And she’s, “Ummm? Uhhhh?”

What are the characteristics of each breed that attracted you? I’ll never not have a Jack Russell after this one. They’re amazing dogs. We always joke that our little dog, she’s an attention hog. If she was on death row with John Wayne Gacy, she’d be sitting on his lap same as anybody else.  As for Itchy, I think mixes are better than purebreds. They’re more even tempered and they’re the best of both worlds. And with Bacchus, I think pitbulls have got a really bad rap. They’re one of the most trainable dogs there is, and they’re total sweethearts.

Complete the following sentence: “If I were knocked unconscious and in grave danger, my dogs would…”

I don’t know if they’d be Rin Tin Tin and drag us out of a burning building or anything. I doubt that. But if you think about it, if Sharon Tate would have had a bunch of pitbulls at her house, [the Charles Manson massacre) would have never happened. [Manson associate] Tex Watson would have had his ass eaten off the second he climbed over that fence.