Today I started to catch up with all the people in our support network whom we had told about the DE. My intention is to ask them to respect our privacy and the privacy of any child we may have. Of course, I don’t just come out and say it like that! They’ve been there for me through the harrowing decision-making and have assuaged all my doubts and fears. So they deserve a full update of the situation and besides, I’m genuinely interested in keeping them up-to-date. But what a tangled web we weave, to use an old cliche! Somehow when you start thinking about it, then considering it, then trying it on for size, you realize how many people you want to discuss it with. Then there is their spouse… and are we dinner table conversation too? And all this before telling our families. It is very important to lock the gates and make sure that everyone knows you appreciate them immensely but also that they remain discreet.

We did not tell our parents because even though they mean well, they are very concerned. When we informed them about a regular IVF cycle, I remember having to eventually explain to them to stop calling every other day with a plaintive, expectant,  What’s new? It drove me nuts and the pressure was too great. First, to deal with your own disappointment is bad enough but to have theirs on your shoulders is just too much. If this process doesn’t work, I’m sure my friends-only support network will offer the usual platitudes and I’m used to those, but it’s not as disappointing for them as it is to potential grandparents, aunts, and uncles. As it stands, the family will know if this works and even then, not everyone will know about the DE. I know we’ll have to be strong to deal with pressure from parents that think we should tell this relative or that, but I’ll take my chances and guard my child’s privacy. Sometimes you think that all this is in the future so why think about it now, but I’ve found that it’s better to have a plan and be prepared. I wonder how other people handle this kind of additional pressure on top of having to go through all this?

Petri is a 4-Cell day 2 embryo, grade B (A=best, D=Worst). He is ‘doing all the right things’ and ‘dividing nicely’.

I’ve had him on board for just over 12 hours, after a quick and easy transfer.

We’d really like him to stick around.

I am 32 weeks, can you freaking believe it!? My baby boy is moving, growing, and making me pee constantly. Heartburn is killer and my feet are swollen like crazy…but I am loving this. Of course I am not currently in labor so all of this joy may be reduced once that kicks in. I recently heard that IVF patients deliver 2-4 weeks early, any truth to that? I will just have to wait and see.

Jag är inte tjock. Jag är bara lite på tjocken.

Vi pratar mage i ytterst, ytterst tidigt skede men eftersom hälsotillståndet är som det är blir det lite svårt att bortförklara nu när läkarna själva inte längre tror på sin teori om seglivad maginfluensa (och de har ju vetat om från första början att något gror därinne).

Mellan hulkningarna är jag glad, tror jag. Jo, det är jag verkligen men det tar på krafterna. Om Hugo gick som en dans fysiskt sett så har vi uppenbarligen det motsatta förhållandet här. Och det borde väl verkligen borga för att det kommer ut en liten snäll flicka med blonda lockar som bara säger “ja, mamma, nej, mamma”…

Allt kan hända men om det är något man lär sig med åren så är det att leva i nuet och just nu och här väntar familjen Hallberg tillökning. Tack fantastiska moderna teknik!

Men den här, den kommer ni aldrig att få se mig i.

I’m grieving bad, I hurt so much
but time can’t heal me well
Every month there’s a sense of loss
so I sit and I cry and it’s hell

I’m back on track
and then I’m not
I’m back on track
but the journey won’t stop

It’s how I handle it
that is what’s key
I must learn that I can’t change
why this has happened to me.

My naivety has been taken
it’s been taken away for good
I’d love a completely painless day
and I’d do anything I could

I’ll try new things
I’ll be so good
I’ll be kind and help others 
But please give me motherhood

So I’ve got my good underwear on again… it’s time to see Pascal the Acupuncturist tonight!! I must say I feel like I need to see him, it’s been a long week and I’m looking forward to relaxing and chilling out for a bit!

My boss’ daughter had a wee boy the other day and I was invited to look at the photo’s etc. My boss when telling me how chuffed he is said “I can’t describe it, you’ll not know what it feels like until it happens to you”. My eyes were stinging with tears trying to break out and my throat felt like it’d been clamped shut. I got a dull stabbing pain in my chest and could only nod at him in agreement. I really could have screamed “No shit Einstein! You know I’m trying to experience that for myself, why oh f*cking why would you say such a thing to me you insensitive twat”!

Needles to say I wasn’t in too great a mood after that, coupled with the fact that AF is imminent and I’ve got PMS from hell!

You know I get so angry with myself month after month. I mean how could I have been so stupid yet again to think that maybe this month I will be pregnant and AF won’t show. Why oh why do I constantly ride this rollercoaster and believe “this” month it’ll happen?? You’d think by now I’d have learned my lesson but oh no I keep coming back for more!

I’m going to make that appointment with my GP for next week and see if she can help refer me for further tests re my luteal phase. I’m 9 DPO today and think my period will either come today or tomorrow morning so my LP isn’t long at all. If she even tries to fob me off I may committ murder… I’m a donkey on the edge!!! ;o)

Sorry I haven’t updated about the actual transfer, but with all the action and excitement, then long trip back home and catching up with work, I have been slightly distracted.

Long story short, we wound up with five blasts! We’ve never had five blasts. One time we had one embryo struggle to day five but it didn’t survive thawing. Yesterday I read an article about ultra deep sea life, like micro-celled organisms, tiny worms and sea cucumbers that live hundreds of meters below the ocean and subsist on crazy stuff like oil that has spilled and sunk. If those creatures have some sense of how to evolve, what life is, then our embryos do too. Yet I don’t think of them as human and very far from a fetus. They are literally organisms that cannot be seen by the naked eye. It’s strange to think that this potential baby could evaporate after sitting in the deep freeze for a few months. On the other hand, we release thousands of eggs over our lifetime and we still only have a 20 percent chance of conceiving naturally in any given year (before 35). So lots of our eggs, even if they become embryos (a chemical pregnancy, let’s say) also melt away.

Alright, long digression. The chances with a DE are 50 percent with two embryos, but that carries a 20 percent risk of multiples. The thought of multiples scares me. I’ve seen a few friends with babies in the NICU and I don’t want to go down that road. So I chose to transfer one blast and that gives me about a 30 percent chance with extremely low multiple rate. I’ll know next week.

In the meantime, I’ll bury myself in work, work, work. Even though there’s a teeny part of me that just doesn’t care about work any more. All I care about is having this baby. Hopefully.

Who else is in the waiting game? The dreaded TWW? How do you balance what you think your life will be soon, and what it is now? It’s impossible to make plans, isn’t it?

My friend Kerry was recently featured with her family in the NYT. (Her blog about her IVF w/ ICSI, twin boys and NICU stay can be found here: ourstorkgotlost.com

The topic of the NYT article was on “The Gift of Life and its Price” It had to do with the high cost of twin+ pregnancies and how the number of premature births has increased 36% over the last 25 years. That increase is due at least in part to fertility treatments. 60% of twins are born prematurely.

My friend’s Kerry’s beautiful boys Max and Wes were born about 10 weeks premature at around 3lbs and had 43 day and 51 day NICU stays at a cost of $1.2 million.

Kerry and Jeff, like Ben and I, have ONE SHOT for IVF. They spent 23% of their annual income trying to have a baby, so when the choice was given to them “put back one or two high quality blasts” they of COURSE chose 2 to maximize their shots of pregnancy.

The thing is most medical organizations, including the CDC and Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART) suggest putting back only one embryo because of the increased risk of multiple pregnancies.

Yet most insurance companies don’t cover IVF. It’s a “luxury” to have a child, I guess. Well guess what. I have a child and am still willing to pay about $25,000 to have a second. We did put back one blast, but only because we had high qualities blasts to freeze. When we do our FET (it costs another $5000 or so), we’ll put back two. If I had my options, I’d put back one, one, one, one, one, one, one. That whole procedure would cost $60,000 for the IVF and all resulting frozen transfers. If that whole process were covered 2x (and most people are lucky to have 1-2 blasts make it to freeze), I bet the number of twin pregnancies due to IVF would go WAY down.

Unfortunately, so much of this is about cost.

My laprascopic surgery to remove endometriosos (a covered expense) cost more than $30,000. I got it in the hopes it would improve my chances to conceive. The pain from it can also be treated with birth control pills (though not when TTC, obviously.) My insurance company could have paid for 1 IVF for less than the cost of the surgery.

Too bad nothing about our medical care system makes sense.

This is the March of Dimes Prematurity Awareness month. IMO, the quickest way to reduce premature births is to do all we can do to reduce multiples. My first baby was in the NICU for 4 days. It was 4 days of hell, and I don’t know how those families survive extended NICU stays, let alone with young kids at home. IMO, the best way to ease that suffering is to cover the MUCH cheaper cost of IF. Don’t even get me started on what that would do to the mental health costs of IF patients! To me it’s all dollars and sense.

You can give money to the March of Dimes to help premature babies here:
https://www.marchofdimes.com/howtohelp/donate_online.asp

You can take action with the advice of RESOLVE’s (national infertility association) tips to improving IF coverage here (call your representatives and senators, write to your company’s HR department demanding reasonable IF coverage, etc):
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=ta_home

You can see the letter I wrote to our insurance company here:
http://seekingsibling.wordpress.com/2009/07/27/why-i-think-insurance-should-cover-infertility/

Isn’t it always this way?

SUNNY SIDE UP

Good news: We officially have a DOZEN EGGS.

12 lil egglets growing and waiting… Making them has not been the big issue in the past. It’s been the egg quality due to my ripe robust age. But let’s not think of past setbacks or current limitations. There is nothing I can do about my age. It’s a beautiful age. Wise and sensual. The experiences in my life have made me the person that I am today. I could not erase one precious year from life’s resume (okay, maybe 1996 but I am not going there!). This is who I am- and it’s so much MORE than a number on a medical chart!

The Doc wants me to go one more day before the trigger shot. That’s good news. I can celebrate thanksgiving with my new Italian family and then concentrate on baby-making right after.

******************************

SCRAMBLED

Bad News: THE CALL…

I was getting ready to leave work and have dinner with a girlfriend when I got the call. It was the DAY CARE center at my company. I’ve been on the “waiting list” for about 10 months and they were trying to reach me through the wrong email. Seems my number came up. Feigning gratitude, I thank her for her call and tell her that we are still trying, and we hope to have a “new member” for them in 9 months to a year. She replies that it’s their manager’s policy to only have PREGNANT WOMEN on the waiting list. ( In other words, women who are REALLY having babies!) I swallowed hard. The room got bigger and I felt about 2 feet tall.

“You have to be pregnant to sign up for day care.” She says. As if I didn’t understand her the first time! As if one plus one always equals two.

Big gulp of air. “Well, I WAS pregnant then…… Unfortunately I am not anymore.”

Silence.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” More silence……then chirpy like a caged bird she says “Well, we are happy to keep your deposit check so you can use it at a later date. Just call us back when you are ready to have a baby. Good luck!”

I am ready to have a baby! It’s just my body and my eggs who were not!

Why today???? Why when I am so close to IVF #3? So amped up on hormones. It makes me think of how hopeful I was when I signed up at the day care. The little children playing outside. It was spring then. “That’s the nursery” I remember her saying, and pointing to a doorway I was not ready to pass through.

It’s a lie that they don’t take names of future-mothers. The wait is over a year long, so people sign up once they begin trying. In fact, someone who worked there encouraged me to sign up when I did. Have I now missed my chance and my name has gone to the bottom of the list?

I wrote her back and said that I was uncomfortable with the situation, and to give us 2 weeks to get back to her if we were preggers or not. If she denies this I will go to the manager and speak with him. I’m a great negotiator with big contracts and accounts, but this conversation brought me to tears.

I’ve never felt so barren in my life.

***************************

OVER EASY!

aka THE STUPID THINGS THAT KILL YOU.

Last month a friend(???) and colleague of mine proclaimed that she had “the OPPOSITE PROBLEM as me, because her husband would just have to look at her and she’d get pregnant.” Giggle giggle, “And look,” she cooed “my whole team is pregnant, first X, then Y. It must be the water around here!”

I wish I had a sticker book and every butthead-commenter would get one right between the eyes. That way, every unsuspecting person who crossed their path would know when to WATCH OUT!

What a day!

Looking out the window I can see that the autumn leaves are falling fast. They are accumulating in random colourful patterns across my “in desperate need of a mow” lawn. For me this is a sure sign that the holidays are quickly approaching. It never fails that once they arrive I feel like I am constantly pressed for time.  I can never seem to get all that I would like done accomplished. Come to think of it, that sounds like my life’s story the remaining days of the year too! Regardless of my obvious poor time management, I do love the holiday season and the hustle and bustle that it brings.

This Thanksgiving I am going to be ready. Today I sit and plan the dishes for the day; I salivate as I leaf through my favorite recipes. I think this years Ella Mental menu will include Herb Roasted Brined Turkey, Cranberry and Sausage Cornbread Stuffing, Garlic-Parmesan Mashed Potatoes, Roasted Autumn Vegetables, Savory Turkey Gravy with Yorkshire Pudding, Cranberry Chutney, Pumpkin Cheesecake, and a crisp bottle (or two) of Pinot Noir to aide in tackling the preparation of this delectable feast.

Personally, I feel that great food is one of the key elements that contribute to the foundation of a happy and healthy home. So, it is a good thing that I love to cook! Cooking is one of those instantly gratifying pleasures I like to indulge in daily and it has become my art form-or as my waist would say, “body form!”  I confess, I am Ella Mental, and I am a food-oholic!  I am guilty of loving all of the delightful pleasures that it brings-and there is nothing better than when my kitchen is filled with mouth-watering aromas, the laughter of Super-girl as she dances in and out for taste tests and samples, the too many cooks (my family) stumbling around each other to help. Yes, in our home it would seem that food has become the tie that binds.  I look forward to this Thanksgiving, the gathering of us quirky and authentic souls surrounded by a scrumptious abundance.  It feeds my heart, my belly, and my soul, and I am so very grateful!

Of course, it wasn’t always this way; I can remember a time that the holidays brought with it platefuls of rotten emotions and a heaping of distasteful things. That first Thanksgiving with Mi hombre and his Spanish brood was not a resemblance of anything pleasant or grateful. Instead, with it came enough mounds of insecurities, irrational emotions and resentment that would have flattened even the finest of chef’s soufflés. It was a series of disasters; not the typical Thanksgiving disasters one would normally encounter like an accidental charbroiled bird or the family dog eating the stuffing off the counter. No, it was nothing of that sort. Lets just say that when Thanksgiving arrived that year I was ready to stuff more than a turkey, I was ready to stuff my whole relationship.

I can still recall myself sitting on the kitchen floor crying between my charred parmesan potatoes and a pumpkin cheesecake that had split right down the middle (the dish I was to bring to my future in-laws.) The sadness and disappointment that I felt with the absence of a congratulatory “Welcome to the Family!” I had expected from Mi Hombre’s parents and siblings. (It was our first get-together since the announcement of our engagement.) The anger and resentment that I felt when the ex wife threatened Mi Hombre, “don’t you forget I gave you your daughter!” (Over disliking the holiday boundaries he had set.) I remember being distraught and dumbfounded over how much turmoil family, exes, and the holidays could bring, questioning whether that was what I wanted for my life and feeling so sad that I couldn’t muster up even an ounce of gratitude.

Since that Thanksgiving I am happy to say, things have come full circle. Well, some things have-and other things (the ex wife), they may never change. But, C’est la vive! I have grown to love Mi Hombre’s Spanish brood-their kindness, their values, their culture, mmm, and their food…They have become my family and an integral part of my life. For this, and many reasons I am excited for the holiday, this year more than ever!

Thanksgiving is the time people gather to share food and companionship with loved ones. Coincidentally, for me it is time for the harvest… No, I am not a mid-western farm girl getting ready to reap the last crop of the season. I am mid-30’s stepmom and mid-cycle of my second IVF treatment. At sunrise they will harvest and prepare my eggs (not the deviled kind if ya know what I mean!) and hopefully by Christmas I will literally be with a bun in the oven.  Although, it has been a rough 3 years of adjustments and unsuccessful fertility treatments,  I have no doubt that this year we are in a much better place.  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and when and how it should.  It is Thanksgiving, and with all that it represents I feel it in my soul that we are surely in good alignment for a successful harvest.

Pray with me if you will: 2009 is the year and the season for wonderful things; a life filled with love, happiness, good food and great eggs-Happy Thanksgiving!

In the web site

http://www.copenhagenfertilitycenter.com/uk 

professor Svend Lindenberg, the founder of the Clinic answers questions about fertility, fertility treatments and related questions every day.

This clinic treats couple, single women and lesbian

Look here.

This interactive questions to the doctor has been functioning since 1996 in danish and is now offered to our internation patients in english

Our Chief Embryologist got this years award for best scientific presentation i Geneva

Copenhagen Fertility Center is one of the largest fertility Clinics in Scandinavia. It is situated in Copenhagen, Denmark.

The founder, Professor dr. med. Svend Lindenberg has been active in artificial reproductive technologies and treatment since 1980, and was one of the team members producing the first IVF baby in Denmark 1983.

The clinic offers the all forms of fertility treatments for both national patientens and international patients. It  is allowed in Denmark to treat couples as well as single women and lesbian with insemination and in vitro fertilisation up to women being 45 years of age.

Read more here

Thanks for your comments girls.  I have been so busy the last few days that I haven’t had much of a chance to catch up on your blogs or comment much but will hopefully do the blog rounds later today and pop in on y’all to say hi.

Ugh.  I’ve been on my FSH injections for 4 days now (5th jab tonight) and I am not feeling A THING.  No bloating, no tender ovaries. Nadda.  I’m trying to recall what I felt like this time in previous cycles but can’t recall.  I definitely felt extremely uncomfortable at some point, but can’t remember exactly when that feeling kicked in.

Pretty sure it’s all dead in there and am expecting to see a big black hole with bugger all follicles at tomorrows scan.  This makes me extremely sad.

Now, I know if I was an outsider reading this post I’d be able to be much more logical and say that “it’s too early to tell”  or “quality not quantity” or “it only takes one” or some such cliché.  And I actually have a cyber friend who had absolutely no bloating or tenderness during her IVF and now has a beautiful baby from that cycle.  So I know that logically speaking it’s not over.  But do you think I can actually convince myself to believe that??  Why am I so quick to ignore my own advice?

Go on, humour me with a clichéd comment!

I started off this month charting my fertile symptoms and BBT. I was gooad at it for about a week and then insomnia hit me. From what I’ve read, to get an accurate BBT you need to take it after you’ve been laying down for at least 4 hours. Well that hasn’t happened since last Thursday night. Either the dogs constantly wake me up, P wakes me up or I just can’t sleep. So BBT charting went out the window. I’ve also had ZERO signs of ovulation and today is CD 13, so theoretically I should be having signs that it’s approaching if I’m actually gonna ovulate. So because of the lack of symptoms and no longer charting temps, I am not going to use OPKs this month. I cannot tell you how freeing it has been to not worry about POAS at all and just having fun sex

In keeping with the Thanksgiving season, here is a list of some of the things that I am thankful for this year :
1. My awesome, understanding husband who tolerates my crazy hormone induced mood swings. He is wonderful and I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.
2. My new Twitter and blog friends. It has been so wonderful to have people who completely understand IF and all the emotions that come with it. Seriously, y’all ROCK!
3. My IRL friends who have been such an awesome support system over the past months. LOVE YOU <3
4. My zoo of furbabies who snuggle me and lick away my tears.
5. My wonderful family and awesome in-laws <3
6. My job. I seriously love my job and the friends that I've made here. I will be sad to leave but I know that I have found lifelong friends here.
7. My health insurance that pays for the testing and drugs associated with IUI. (Hopefully it works the next time around and we don't have to worry abour funding IVF.)
8. My health. Other than PCOS and endometriosis I am healthy and happy.

There is way more to be thankful for but I am having blogger ADD right now thanks to the 2 cups of coffee I've had today. I'm sure I'll be adding to this list when I am more focused

So I know that many people talk about IF and many others do not – I mean who do you tell and not tell?  For us it’s been a somewhat easy decision.  We’ve not told our parents.  It would then become a topic of great focus for one set and the other set really doesn’t care all that much.  They think we are “fun” – no kids to deal with and a schedule that is freeing.    Probably helps we don’t live near either set.  At some point it will come up I’m sure, but honestly they aren’t going to understand all the procedures, drugs and crap that goes along with it.  Many times I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty and with some they are not going to leave a short answer at that so then things get tense.  Do I wish we’d let the cat out early in the process – NO! 

So onto our friends – they know!  That is freeing because they are in our generation and some have actually been cycle partners at various time.  That’s what happens when you’ve done IVF mulitple times.  These are friends who get it and are supportive.  Weird I know!  One time it was a success and the other time it was not.  When I say friends these are the friends I grew up with or dear husband did.  Newly minted friends are sort of out of the loop so to speak.  It’s just a lot to catch people up when we make new friends – unless of course they mention something about this topic of IF and IVF.

Now my current debate…  do we tell we are onto donor eggs?  One friend does know I think – the others do not.  I’ve talked about where I am going next and she is aware of the program I was looking at.  Do the others need to know?  I’m not so sure I’m ready to get into that little debate yet.  I actually have two dear friends who have offered to be a donor.  How sweet is that?  I’m not sure I’m up for dealing with those pyschological implications.  While we plan to tell our child I’m not sure how they would feel about how we chose this person.  I need to think more about it and really it’s a complication in this whole process given the program we have chosen.  And I don’t even know if they’d qualify.  I’m thinking no?  Maybe?

So what about you?  How do you feel about sharing with others IRL? (In Real Life)  Is there something I should think more about on this topic?

We talked about Christmas last night.

Christmas was always going to be different this year despite there still not being a baby on the way. The credit crunch, going away on holiday and getting a new car suggests that we should be careful with our money and that I shouldn’t go mad on Christmas presents.  I’ve already agreed a much smaller budget for presents between my family, and we’re not buying for extended family at all this time. It’ll be more subdued I imagine.  Christmas has never been a religious time for me, it’s always been about getting to spoil each other with presents, eat lots, drink lots and party lots. So, this Christmas is bound to be different:- not as many presents due to lack of money, no drinking because of the drugs, not eating too much to maintain a good weight for IVF and I doubt very much that I’ll be in the mood to party with the IVF and it’s baggage hanging over me.

P thinks I’m being a bit selfish over the Christmas thing and that it’s me making the decisions on what we’re doing.  I’m not even going to deny it but like I said to him, it’s me taking the stupid drugs that’ll make me feel bloated, have hot flushes, get awful skin and I won’t even be sodding pregnant or even have a guarantee of getting pregnant. I won’t be able to drink, I’ll be the one with sore throat from all the sniffing of the horrible nasal spray and I’ll be the one feeling upset over the baby business. He seems to cope perfectly well. I think I have a right to decide on what we’re doing.  I know he’d take the drugs for me if he could but he can’t.  It’s both of us that have contributed to our infertile state but it’s me having to take all the drugs and have all of the other in-pleasantries.

I’m not saying that I absolutely, 100%, definitely wont enjoy Christmas because I don’t know that yet. I have to be true to my feelings, not be stubborn and certainly not cut my nose of despite my face. I’ll want to make the most out of having time off work as I can especially for my hubby. But, that’s all I’ll see it as; Time. Off. Work. I’m not in the mood to send Christmas cards, put the tree up blah blah blah. Of course, that could change nearer the time but at the moment, that’s how I feel.  I told my hubby “if you have to send cards, maybe you could pick ones that say “season’s greetings” or “happy holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas”. I mean, why on earth would we be celebrating the religious side of it when we’re sooooo not happy with him up there??? Bring it all back to why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. The Virgin Mary gave birth to Christ. I mean, I’m not able to get pregnant with sperm so how on earth did she do it??? If god was capable of making her pregnant then why can’t he do that for all us who so want a baby more than anything. Instead lots and lots of selfish bitches who do drugs, get drunk, don’t work and scrounge off the system get to have as many as they like often so that they get more money from the government. Can you see the irony of us celebrating the birth of Christ? Paul and I should be sending cards saying “Happy Time Off Work”, “Happy Gift-Giving” or like I said before “Happy Holidays” and “Season’s Greetings”. P doesn’t agree.

The friend I mentioned here came to visit this weekend. I knew babies would come up, but I wasn’t sure if I want to talk about my upcoming IVF cycle. She’s knows we’re trying because I told her last summer (when we were only 6 months in) because I NEVER thought it would take this long, or that we’d need the help of ART for that matter.

Well, Saturday night over a glass or several of wine, I came out of the closet! I started by saying we’ve been trying for almost 2 years, and before I knew it every last detail spewed out of my mouth! I told her about the months of trying and the unexplained diagnosis. I talked about acupuncture and the several IUIs. I told her all about our upcoming IVF cycle. I cried. We hugged. Truly, it felt soooo good to tell someone. I feel like a huge weight has been listed off of my chest. She is one of my dearest, oldest friends so I knew she would be supportive and understanding and she totally was.

I’m sure it would be difficult to know how to react to a story like mine, but she did a fantastic job. The only thing  that kinda bums me out is that she said she now feels guilty about complaining so much about her first pregnancy. She felt ill. She gained weight. After hearing our story, she feels that she took things for granted with her pregnancy and she doesn’t want to make that mistake again. I told her that I would give anything to be able to have a naive pregnancy, so she shouldn’t feel badly about it.

Whew! I had no idea it would be so easy and feel so good. I think it was the wine. It greased up my desire to spew my guts. I had a great time with a great friend and I’m thankful I was able to drink wine and be able to hit the town with her!

We have one embaby.

The amount of love I already feel for this little fighter is indescribable.

2dt tomorrow.

DH and I met with the RE today to discuss what we’ll do next if this cycle doesn’t work  – I’m hoping it was one of those things where you make an elaborate plan and then don’t have to use it.  It appears that I’ve ovulated each cycle, so that’s a good thing, since because of PCOS I usually didn’t.  Now it appears that DH’s sperm may be the issue.  He has a good amount, but a low percent motility and morphology.  RE thinks that to do IUI with injectables isn’t the best idea, and I agree.  With the sperm issues, we may as well go right to IVF, also having polycystic ovaries could be bad with injectables (think Jon & Kate). 

He wants me to get a sonogram of my uterus.  I don’t need the tube test since with IVF it doesn’t matter.  We also have a take a teaching class on injecting.  We’re gonna wait a bit though.  It’s still 9 days till BETA (I’M DYING FROM THE WAITING), and we have an appointment on Dec. 18^th at the new clinic.  I think once we get the info from the new place, we’ll decide where we want to do the IVF and start in January…leaving me medication free (almost, he wants me to stay on Metformin, but I can lower the dose) for the holidays.  I don’t really want to take a break, but I think it may be best.  I need a break. . .changing to a positive outlook – I could be PG, so forget all this!