Happy new year, folks. And what better way to celebrate early January 2010 than by taking a look at a film set in late October 1978? It’s Halloween, the third film in the possibly irrelevant John Carpenter Series, and a contender for the best one of the lot.

Instant demerits to anyone who hasn’t seen this, but here’s the story just in case:

In Haddonfield, Illinois on Halloween 1963, six year old Michael Myers grabs a clown mask and a kitchen knife and kills his older sister (who has just finished having ridiculously quick sex with her boyfriend). Fifteen years later, a much bigger but still psychosexually murderous Michael busts loose from the loony bin to return home and, symbolically speaking, kill his slutty sister over and over again in the form of various babysitters. And also any guys who get in his way. And two dogs, although one of those is for food so maybe that doesn’t count.

With Assault On Precinct 13, Carpenter made use of a silent and implacable foe who bordered on the supernatural, and with Halloween he takes that concept to the next level with one of his most effective creations – seemingly unstoppable killing machine Michael Myers.

I first saw this film at the tender age of nine, and the one aspect of the story that chilled me to my tiny toes (and gave me quite a few nightmares) was the notion of a person devoid of any thought other than the overwhelming desire to kill me. It’s an idea that was articulated nicely several years later by Kyle Reese in The Terminator – “It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead!” – but it was done most chillingly in Halloween and is best symbolised by Michael’s mask, which is recognisably human and yet bereft of expression or emotion. For some reason, that absence of humanity (coupled with his intense willingness to stab) scared the nine year old poo out of me.

One of the film’s masterstrokes is to offer almost nothing in the way of explanation for Myers’s murderous behaviour (keep in mind, the crappy twist of Laurie Strode being Michael’s sister wasn’t introduced until Halloween II). Carpenter understands the unknown is always more frightening than the known, so he leaves Myers as something of a cipher, making him all the more unsettling. There are hints at sexual issues (he’s clearly confusing his desire to put his boynis in a girlgina with the desire to put his butcher knife in, well, any body part that’s handy) but no effort is made to explain why; and Dr Loomis does his best to put the wind up everyone by overstating a possible supernatural cause – “He’s gone from here! The evil is gone from this place!” – but for the most part it’s left to the audience to wonder what the fuck is wrong with this guy and why does he have to keep stabbing everyone?     

As a director, I don’t think Carpenter ever bettered Halloween. His use of the Panaglide camera gives his shots an eerie smoothness, but his most impressive directorial trick is in his composition – leaving large empty spaces in either the foreground or background of the widescreen frame to keep you constantly guessing at when Michael will pop into view next. Producer/co-writer Debra Hill said they wanted the film to operate like a Jack-In-The-Box – the accumulation of tension as you wind the handle followed by the JUMP! as the bastard leaps out at you unexpectedly – and that effect is achieved beautifully. Michael Myers isn’t in the film as much as you might imagine, but he’s omnipresent throughout, biding his time and providing most of the film’s tension as you anticipate the next moment he will appear in frame. Much has been made of the long one-shot that opens the film, but my favourite moment of directorial fanciness is the one shown above, where Laurie stands in a hallway and Michael appears to materialise in the darkness behind her. It’s a deceptively simple trick – in keeping with Carpenter’s understated style – but an incredibly effective one.

As with Assault On Precinct 13, the acting stand-outs are the two leads. Jamie Lee Curtis has a believable combination of smarts, repression and vulnerability, making Laurie Strode a more fully realised character than you often see in horrors. But it’s Donald Pleasance who steals the show as Dr Sam Loomis, the Van Helsing to  Michael Myers’s Dracula. He brings a great gravitas to the film as Michael’s psychiatrist – a man so freaked out by the evil he’s seen behind his patient’s eyes he chucks out the Rorschach tests and switches to a more radical gun-based treatment – as well as a slight edge of lunacy.  I love the scene where he takes noticeable enjoyment in scaring a bunch of kids as they sneak up to the Myers house. Crazy bastard.

Finally, I have to mention the score, which is once again composed by Carpenter himself and is as iconic a piece of movie music as the famous themes from Jaws or Rocky or, most appropriately, Psycho. Never have so few notes been used to such creepy effect.

At one point during Halloween, Dr Loomis refers to Michael Myers as “inhumanly patient” and that phrase fits the film just as well. This is not a horror for the attention deficient – there’s no flash-whizz-bangery or pointless swooshing cameras and there’s surprisingly little blood – but this is about as perfectly crafted a piece of suspense as you could reasonably expect in a film not directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Halloween is, justifiably, a classic. As far as I’m concerned there’s only one horror that’s better – and I’ll be reviewing that one in about four or five weeks.  

Director – John Bruno

Cast – Jamie Lee Curtis, William Baldwin, Donald Sutherland, Joanna Pacula, Marshall Bell, Sherman Augustus, Cliff Curtis, Julio Oscar Mechoso

Release Year – 1999

Reviewed by John of the Dead

I remember seeing this film on television as a young teenager and loving the fact that it used robots as killers. I’ve always been fond of that idea due to my fascination with killers that are not human. Virus is Oscar winning special effects maestro John Bruno’s only feature film in which he directed. He is really most known for his special effects work in X Men: The Last Stand, AVP, Titanic, True Lies, T2: Judgement Day, The Abyss, Fright Night, Poltergeist I & II, and yeah…I’m sure you get the picture.

This film is about an alien life form that somehow comes in contact, and gets onboard the Muir Space Station floating around Earth. Fast forward a little while and we are forced to tag along with Jamie Lee Curtis and the American crew around her on a vessel that becomes damaged due to a really bad storm out at sea. In an attempt to try and find help, they locate an abandoned Russian research vessel and decide to board it thinking it can be salvaged if there are no survivors. Little do they know…the Russian research vessel was in contact with the Muir Space Station, and the alien life form on board the space station was subsequently transferred to the Russian vessel, killing the crew and using some sort of nanotechnology to build sophisticated robots out of scraps. The American crew must not fend for themselves against a life form that is not only much smarter than them, but has plans to rid the Earth of it’s “virus”…humans.

This is a film that I honestly felt could have been really awesome, but failed to do just that due to some silly scriptwriting. This film had most of the elements required for an action packed horror film; a cool antagonist(the robots), lots of gunfire, GORE, and a few A-list actors(Jamie Lee Curtis and William Baldwin), yet it failed to really grasp the audience and thanks to the poor scriptwriting…few of the characters were likeable. We were given nothing more than cliché one-liners, cliché heroes, and little plot/character development. I also found Jamie Lee Curtis to be very annoying due to how overdramatic she was in this role. None of her intense scenes were believable, and left me wondering how she could have performed so bad after performing quite well a year earlier in Halloween: H20. :shrugs:

Is this a bad film? No, not by any means unless you are watching this with an Academy Award mindset. As I mentioned earlier, aside from the scriptwriting and Jamie Lee‘s acting…this film has the goods! Fans of Terminator and Transformers will enjoy the robot sequences in this film. Director John Bruno really did a swell job making sure that these robots came out believable, and didn’t use nearly as much CGI as Transformers did for it’s robots. We applaud you Mr. Bruno. I was really surprised to see the amount of gore that was shown in this film. I loved the idea of the robot using the body of whoever it captured to turn them into a drone that is half robot and half human, with internal and external organs exposed over the robot steel. Wicked!

Overall, as you should have already learned…the best this film has to offer is visual. If you want a no brainer that shows the goods and doesn’t expect you to care too much for the technical stuff then you should enjoy this film, as I did. It could have been better…but it’s good enough to be viewed by those who would be into this horror sub-genre.

Rating: 6/10

Director – Roger Spottiswoode

Cast – Ben Johnson, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hart Bochner, David Copperfield, Derek McKinnon, Sandee Currie, Timothy Webber, Anthony Sherwood, Howard Busgang, Steve Michaels

Release Year – 1980

Reviewed by John of the Dead

“Scream Queen” Jamie Lee Curtis made a name for herself in the early 80s after appearing in John Carpenter’s 1978 classic “Halloween”, and his subsequent 1980 classic “The Fog” and the 1980 slasher “Prom Night”.  The nice-breasted teen heartthrob brought her nasally voice back for a third 1980 horror flick with the lesser known slasher, “Terror Train”.  This flick brings an interesting setting to the slasher horror sub-genre and was a very fun watch overall.

This flick follows a group of college friends who four years earlier pulled a horrible prank on a friend, which left him in a mental hospital.  They are seniors now and have planned the ultimate New Years Eve party, a costume party on a moving train.  The night goes well until someone begins killing all those involved in the horrible prank four years prior.  A killer is on the train and thanks to the costume party, has a fresh reservoir of identities to choose from.

What really made this film a fun watch was it’s atmosphere.  I’m a big fan of “nowhere to run” situations, and a moving train is about as “nowhere to run” as it gets.  This ups the ante and tension of the film and provides the killer with the advantage.  The storyline of the train being the host of the costume party was epic.  We see the killer take on different identities with some creepy looking masks which once again gives him the advantage given the partygoers confuse him with whatever friend(now DEAD friend) was wearing the mask prior.  The plot is one that we have seen probably about 500,000 times before.  We all know how the story goes…a group of friends do something mean and horrible to someone and then some time passes and the wronged person seems to be getting revenge on those responsible.  Regardless, I enjoy these plots because I am the biggest fan of vengeance and redemption.  It also is quite enjoyable to watch a film who’s plot has been done many times before yet somehow the film provides a fun watch despite it’s clichés.

The direction for this film is positive, and proves to be a good debut for first-time director Roger Spottiswoode.  Mr. Spottiswoode found a career after this film and went on to direct “Tomorrow Never Dies”, and the horrendous “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot”.  This film paces pretty well and although at times it seems too much time has passed since the last kill, we are given some pretty entertaining stuff.  For instance, the role of “Ken, The Magician”.  During the magician scenes I kept thinking to myself “Wow, this guy is great.  I wonder how the director got these shots done.”.  Well, I was wrong.  These scenes needed no camerawork from the director because the role of Ken(The Magician) was portrayed by none other than David Copperfield himself!  This film is still his only on screen role, but it’s an awesome one.

I do not have any major complaints about this film.  The pacing could have been tighter at times and we could have seen a little more gore but what we got from this film as far as pacing and gore was good enough.  This is an 80s slasher flick, so the usual elements of that horror sub-genre are applied to this film.  Bad acting, some cheezy dialogue, you now how it goes.

Overall, this is a fun watch that I recommend to all fans of the slasher sub-genre.  I really do not understand why this film is lesser-known than it’s mediocre predecessor “Prom Night”.  This flick has all the right goods and gives us interesting elements for a genre and plot that is filled with clichés.

Rating: 7/10

Roadgames (1981)
★★★ / ★★★★

Stacy Keach plays a truck driver who likes to play games on the road with his dingo companion in order to eliminate some of the boredom of long drives across Australia. After hearing about a serial killer on the loose who cuts up and disposes bodies all over the place, Keach begins to suspect a man who drives a green vehicle. Since the two stopped in the same area for the night, Keach sees the mysterious potential killer watching the garbage being collected very early in the morning. (As his dog sniffs the garbage bag of interest in an attempt to get food.) Jamie Lee Curtis plays the hitchhiker who Keach picks up and who is eventually taken by the killer. I’ve read from other reviews that Richard Franklin, the director, was a very big fan of Alfred Hitchcock. Being a fan myself, watching this movie was that much more fun for me because I actively looked for certain shots and twists in the story that could reference to Hitchcock’s works. But even if one is not familiar with Hitchcock’s movies, one could still enjoy this psychological thriller because of the suspenseful false alarms and eventual real dangers that the characters had to face. I thought “Roadgames” was very different from other movies about killers on the road (especially American movies of the same set-up). Franklin took the time to establish Keach and Curtis’ characters before really getting into the scares. They talked and formed a genuine connection, so when the two were finally on the killer’s tracks, we couldn’t help but care and wonder whether they really were on the right track and whether or not they would eventually get caught. My favorite scene was when Keach investigated the number of meat in the back of his truck. That scene was done so well because at first I had no idea what he was thinking. But when I finally caught up on why he was so worried, I was so disturbed and I could remember saying out loud that he should get out of the truck as soon as possible. My heart raced so fast because the camera just lingered there as if something was about to go seriously wrong. The scene after that was also very impressive–very Hitchcockian–the way the character got into his own head and trying to persuade himself that everything was alright (which, of course, was not the case). “Roadgames” is now considered a cult classic cat-and-mouse movie and I believe it still holds up today. I wish more people would see this because it did many things that were so unexpected. Instead of simplifying things for the audience, it actually tried to outsmart us which I found to be very refreshing even though it was released back in 1981.

If I spent Christmas with these people, I think I’d go Jewish for the holidays.

A break from the frenetic activity that surrounds Christmas is what Luther and Nora Krank (Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis) have in mind when they decide that, for once, they’ll skip the holiday. They’ll nix the tree, all the ornaments and their rooftop Frosty, and forgo the chore of hosting their annual Christmas Eve bash. That’s the plan, anyway. Question is, can they deal with the fallout from crestfallen neighbors and even their own family?

Now, for this Holiday season  I have been reviewing some movies that have to do with well, Christmas. And after watching this and How The Grinch Stole Christmas, I think it’s time to stop soon.

Now the one thing that struck me as totally over the top, was that the whole neighborhood of this Chicago suburb celebrated Christmas in such a big way, and when The Kranks tell everyone that their not celebrating Christmas, literally everyone acts like they have just committed a child-kidnapping. They all acted as if they were Nazis, who say u must have Christmas or you can no longer live in the neighborhood any longer.

The jokes are just so terrible in this film. I mean honestly the slapstick just got way too forced by the middle of this film. Almost everything that The Kranks did had to end up in something bad happening to them or something around them. The screenplay was so dumb and stupid, that i actually wondered who the hell wrote this piece of crap!?!??! Honestly, you can’t have a Christmas film without even making one reference about Jesus or religion. I mean last time I checked its his birthday so why not even make a mention of it.

The one thing I will say about this film is that Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis do try hard with this crappy script. Nothing just came out as funny during this whole movie, no matter how much the whole cast tried.

Consensus: Christmas With The Kranks is not funny, terribly written, and should not ever be watched for the Christmas Holdiay.

1/10=SomeOleBullShiittt!!!!!

Director – Steve Miner

Cast – Jamie Lee Curtis, Josh Hartnett, Adam Arkin, Michelle Williams, LL Cool J, Jodi Lyn O’Keefe, Adam Hann-Byrd, Janet Leigh

Release Year – 1998

Reviewed by John of the Dead

Being an avid fan of the “Halloween” franchise that was so expertly created by John Carpenter, I have a love for these films. Watching Michael Myers with his emotionless gaze and creepy stalk bring back many memories of when I was a young child sitting in my room and imagining myself being confronted by “The Shape” and how I would react. Call me crazy…but it’s true. Some fans of the franchise highly despise the last 3 or 4 “Halloween” films, and although they may not be as intense and spooky as the original, I still have mad love for the masked killer from Haddonfield, Illinois who so passionately displays his hate in the most suave of killing styles.

The film starts off with the late Dr. Loomis’s nurse coming home and realizing that not only has her home been broken into, but Dr. Loomis’s old files on Laurie Strode are missing. A brief and ill fated encounter with Michael Myers then answers her questions of who stole the files. Fast forward a bit and the rest of this film takes place on Halloween night in 1998, 20 years after Michael Myers first tried murdering his sister, Lourie Strode(Jamie Lee Curtis) back in 1978(Halloween I and II; They took place on the same night). Jamie Lee Curtis reprises her role as Laurie Strode, and is now the head-mistress of a very nice private school on the hills of northern California. Laurie Strode has since changed her name to Keri Tate, and even went so far as to fake the death of “Laurie Strode” in order to make sure that her deranged brother can never find her again. Aside from dealing with her rebellious 17 year old son John(Josh Hartnett in his debut role), who is tired of hearing her nightmares and complaints about her “dead” brother, she is turning to “the bottom of a bottle” to help ease her anxiety. However when her son John and three of his friends decide to skip out on a class trip and have their own Halloween fun in the abandoned school, Michael makes his way in, and the bodies start to hit the floor(Insert overrated Drowning Pool song reference). Instead of running, and hiding this time, Laurie Strode AKA Keri Tate is going to stay and face her brother, in an epic battle to end her nightmares once and for all.

This film basically disregards the events of Halloween 3-6 and focuses on the story of Laurie Strode, without once mentioning the infamous Jamie Lloyd character from Halloween 4, 5, and part of 6, or Tommy Doyle from Halloween 1, 2, & 6(his character is also in the 2007 Halloween remake). Although most franchise fans will gawk at the idea of this bad continuity between the previous films and H20, I find the story behind Laurie Strode to still be quite interesting and liked the idea of Jamie Lee Curtis coming back to reprise her role instead of another actress. Jamie Lee Curtis doing her role brings back memories from the first two Halloween films and adds more credibility to the “20 Years Later” concept as she really is 20 years older than she was when she was first dueled with her infamous brother.

Director Steve Miner is no stranger to the horror genre, given that he directed another famous uber-slasher, Jason Vorhees in Friday the 13th II and III. I really like how he did not stray away from showing us some pretty gory stuff and awesome kills. There were a few kills where I would have preferred to see them happen instead of the aftereffect, mainly because they were pretty sweet, but it would have more than likely detrimented from the creepiness and stealth of Michael Myers. This is another one of those films where I really liked the setting. The fact that this film took place in a dark, empty school without anyone having an idea that Michael Myers is lurking just around the corner really set the mood for this positive addition to the Halloween franchise. It’s not the strongest of the series, but it does deliver an enjoyable product to fans of the franchise.

I really wish there would have been more scenes involving Michael throughout the film. Of course the last segment of the film has a good amount of Michael doing this thing, however I felt that there were sections of the film that went too long without Michael hacking someone up! Haha! Instead we were just given some shout outs to the first film with someone looking, seeing Michael staring at them, then turning away and looking back a few seconds later and somehow Michael pulled a Criss Angel and disappears. I know this won’t sound right…but my biggest complaint for this film would have to be Michael Myers himself. I was not a fan whatsoever of Chris Durand playing Michael Myers in this film. He did not have the usual smooth, creepiness we are used to seeing Michael have in previous films. Mr. Durand simply moved too fast during some scenes, and quite honestly looked “dopey” a lot of times. Shame on Steve Miner for not seeing this or bringing in George Wilbur, who is the only actor to play Michael more than once(twice) and has done quite possibly the best portrayal of Michael so far.

Overall, this is a positive addition to the Halloween franchise. It is not the strongest in the series, but will surely please fans of the franchise who just want to see Michael do his thing. Those who are into the Laurie Strode aspect of the franchise will especially enjoy this addition to the series.

Rating: 6/10

Director – Rick Rosenthal

Cats – Jamie Lee Curtis, Donald Pleasence, Charles Cyphers, Jeffrey Kramer, Lance Guest, Pamela Susan Shoop, Hunter von Leer, Dick Warlock

Release Year – 1981

Reviewed by John of the Dead

After the great success of “Halloween” it is no surprise this film came about, and what a great film it is.  Time and time again we get an awesome film only to be supplemented with a horrible sequel that tarnishes the memory of the original, well that is not the case with this franchise(as of this second film).  Halloween II is a very positive sequel and truly effective slasher that once again embodies the pure evil that is Michael Myers, and gives us more classic carnage that only “The Shape” can dish out.

Halloween II takes place right from the conclusion of the first film.  (If you have yet to see the first film…prepare for Spoiler City)  It is still Halloween night, and Michael Myers is on the loose after surviving being shot by Dr. Loomis.  Laurie Strode has been taken to a local clinic to be treated for her wounds suffered from her encounter with Michael.  Michael eventually finds his way to her clinic and after dispensing of most of the hospital staff, begins his second attempt at killing Laurie.  When Dr. Loomis gets a visit from a colleague of his he then learns the true meaning behind Michael’s return to Haddonfield, and it does not involve a happy ending for Laurie.

I really enjoyed this film for two big reasons, one being that Michael Myers is in this film, and the other being that this film is nearly as dark as it’s predecessor.  Once again we get some pretty sweet yet still mysteriously inconclusive background on Michael Myers, provided mainly through Dr. Loomis’s great dialogue.  Towards the end of the film we find out the great twist involving Michael and Laurie that sets the story straight for the rest of the franchise, definitely one of the most iconic scenes in this series.  The kills in this sequel were much gorier than those in it’s predecessor, and that is what keeps this sequel up in slight competition with the original.

The one big difference between this film and it’s iconic predecessor is that John Carpenter did not return to direct this sequel, instead he opted to produce the film and pen it’s screenplay.  Instead first-time director Rick Rosenthal was chosen to direct this film, and actually in 2002 became the only director to direct more than one Halloween film when he directed Halloween: Resurrection.  Nonetheless, I did have some problems with Mr. Rosenthal’s direction in this film.  His pacing was a bit off, and this film dragged at times.  Luckily we get some good Michael Myers action to keep us engaged, but even that comes to us tainted.  Word has it that John Carpenter himself set aside three days to reshoot scenes for this film, especially gorier scenes, because he felt that Rosenthal’s version was “too tame”.  I am personally glad this happened, because given this film’s moderate pacing problems “tame” is not a word that should be associated with Michael Myers.

Overall, this is a great sequel to one of horror’s most iconic films.   The storyline is once again very interesting, and the Michael Myers carnage continues in epic fashion.  Watch this if you are a fan of the series or would like to see a great slasher film.

Rating: 7.5/10

Director – John Carpenter

Cast – Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Kyes, P.J. Soles, Charles Cyphers, Kyle Richards, Brian Andrews, John Michael Graham, Nancy Stephens

Release Year – 1978

Reviewed by John of the Dead

The film that started it all…”the night he came home”.  In 1978 the horror community was given the greatest slasher flick of all time, and one of horror’s most iconic figures.  Halloween gave us Michael Myers AKA “The Shape”, not a man…but pure evil.  John Carpenter’s masterpiece of a film embodies every aspect of fear and tension with a budget of shoestring proportions.  One of the greatest horror films of all time, this is a film I can never, EVER get out of my head.

It’s 1963, and Halloween night is underway in Haddonfield, Illinois.  Six year old Michael Myers catches a glimpse of his 17 year old sister having sex, and afterwards brutally murders her with a kitchen knife.  15 years later it’s October 30th(my bday), 1978 and Dr. Samuel Loomis is on his way to a mental institution that has been holding Michael all this time.  Dr. Loomis is there to transport Michael to court, and put this monster and the evil behind him behind bars forever.  Something triggers Michael that night and he manages to not only escape the institution, but leaves in Dr. Loomis’s car.  Knowing that Michael is going to head back to Haddonfield(the only place he knows), Dr. Loomis heads to the town and with the help of the local sheriff embarks on a journey to stop Michael before he rocks this quiet community again.  Unfortunately, a group of young girls are babysitting on the same block as Michael Myers old house, and one by one become victim to this merciless masked killer.

There is a reason this film is so iconic in horror lore and society, and it is due to John Carpenters amazing direction and screenplay(co-written by Debra Hill).  Right off the back you get the immense sense of dread that sets the tone for this film with his use of dark grainy cinematography/sets, and his classic theme song that I’m sure is recognized all over the world.  The score sets this film apart from the rest(and it‘s many imitators), and is in my opinion the greatest horror score there is.  Sorry Dawn of the Dead fans, although I think Goblin gives this film some fierce competition.  This film paces incredibly well, running fluidly from start to finish without ever letting the viewer look away from the screen.  Just when you think the film is about to slow down, we get some great scenes with Michael to keep you on the edge of your seat.  John Carpenter’s decision to set this film 15 years after it’s opening events is a genius idea, and I credit his selective background material regarding Michael’s institutionalization for the eeriness added to his character.  The scene with Dr. Loomis stating that Michael Myers never spoke a word during that 15 year tenure, and sat facing a wall, as if he was staring through the wall honestly gave me chills.  Yes, this film is THAT well written.

Halloween marks the debut film for actress Jamie Lee Curtis, who just so happens to be the daughter of actress Janet Leigh.  Yes, THE Janet Leigh who was murdered by a knife welding maniac during the infamous “shower scene” in Hitchcock’s “Psycho”.  I guess getting chased by guys armed with kitchen knives runs in their family huh?  Also a nice gem to this film is the addition of actress P. J. Soles, who starred in the film “Carrie” two years prior.  The acting performances from the main female characters in this film were a bit sub-par, but what more can you expect from a low budget horror film from the 70s?  The acting isn’t bad, if anything I’d refer to it as “adequate for it’s time”.  As we would expect given this film’s sequels, Donald Pleasance put on a fantastic performance as Dr. Samuel Loomis, and actually wound up becoming this franchise’s most notable(and loved) character.  It’s a shame he passed on during the filming of Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers, but he will live in the hearts of us horror hounds forever.

Now onto the real star of this film…Michael Myers.  I cannot explain how much I absolutely love this character, and how he embodies pure unadulterated horror.  His background is a horrific one, killing his sister at such a young age and without any admitted reason or motive.  The fact that after so much time he returns to the home he committed the horrible crime in, only to terrorize more people just adds to the horror.  Once again, unexplained and without motive(as of this film).  This is where the real genius in Carpenter and Hill’s writing lies, the fact that we never really find out why he does what he does.  I’m personally a fan of this in the case of Michael Myers because it works so well for him.  Rob Zombie’s recent remake of this film went into much depth over Michael’s background and I personally balked at that notion.  The reason why Michael is so scary is because we know so little about him.  Once you find out WHY he does what he does, unless it is some incredibly awesome reason(it wasn’t in Zombie’s remake), he loses his mystery, and loses his creepiness.  I’m glad we were left in the dark over this notion in this film.  Nuff said on that.  The second biggest reason behind the greatness of the Michael Myers character, and the most recognized, is his physical nature.  The white mask he dons(which is simply a William Shatner mask painted white) is the creepiest mask a killer has ever donned, and it only worked even better during the night scenes.  The scene of Michael coming out of the closet to attack Laurie Strode is what I consider to be the creepiest Michael Myers moment ever, followed by the “sitting up” scene a few minutes after that.  Genius!  To add to this the fact that Michael Myers has the physicality of the slightly above normal male makes him all the creepier.  I personally love Jason Vorhees, but what Jason gains in brutality lacks in creepiness.  Michael Myers is the opposite.  Jason is a gargantuan while Michael looks like he could blend into society much easier, making him all the more deadly.  Lastly is his movements and emotions, also tied into his physicality a bit, but still enough to warrant further mention.  One of my favorite scenes involving this is when he stabs Bob and leaves his hanging in the kitchen, only to stare at him for a short period of time with the deadest, most unapologetic stature.  Referring to Michael as “The Shape” is perfect, given he really is not a “man”, and moves so fluidly and without emotion it’s as if he has no specific definition to who or what he is.  Once again…genius.

I could go on and on about this film, but the best way to fully appreciate what I am saying is to watch the film and see it for yourself.  Even if you’ve seen this film many times, watch it again and marvel at what true horror filmmaking looks like.  Everything in this film is perfect.

Overall, this is a must see for all horror fans and for anyone looking for good scares they are sure to remember for the rest of their lives.  This film is iconic.

Rating: 10/10

Anyway, Ripley is a badass to end all badasses, and Laurie Strode was the only one in Halloween who didn’t get killed by Michael Myers, making this two posts where I have mentioned Michael Myers, more than I ever imagined possible, so let’s see who comes out on top, shall we?

Pictured here: the most badass woman in the whole universe.

What's that noise upstairs? Should I go INSPECT it?

On to the battle!

Physicality. Well, since Halloween was released in 1978 and Alien in 1979, both Ripley and Laurie have some pretty nasty hair going on, all limp and nearly mullet-like. But we’ll just ignore that, because Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis are hot! They’ve both got great athletic figures and they’re really pretty, but I think Ms. Curtis has a little bit more going on up top, so we’ll give this category to her. Winner? Laurie Strode.

Faced a vicious killer and won? Technically, both these ladies are victorious in this category, but only one of them faced a killer alien thing that hatched out of people’s middle bits and ate them and spewed acidic blood. You probably guessed from the word “alien” in that previous sentence that the evil creature I just described was not Michael Myers, but was, indeed, the alien from Alien. Eh, it’s still a draw. Winner? A tie!

Had cool friends/coworkers murdered horribly before her very eyes? Once again, both these ladies suffered immense horrors at the hands of a murderous creature, and one of these horrors was the slaughter of their friends or coworkers. But only Ripley got to hang out with the likes of Tom Skerritt! Harry Dean Stanton! Veronica Cartwright! Ian Holm (the second best Ian working in Hollywood! … I mean Ian McKellan, not Somerholder, by the by)! Yaphet Kotto! My gods, it’s like a list of my favorite people ever to guest-star on the X-Files and star on Homicide and whatever the hell Tom Skerritt did. Winner? Ripley.

You were the best fictional police lieutenant ever, Yaphet Kotto.

Was proactive in her battle against said horrific murderous creature who might or might not have acidic blood? Laurie stabs Michael Myers in the neck with a knitting needle, stabs him in the eye with a wire hanger and stabs him with a knife. Ripley blows up a spaceship with the alien in it (but not really) and then shoots the thing into the cold vacuum of space.  Gosh, those are both awesome things, but, Laurie sure did a lot of stabbing. Stabby! Winner? Laurie Strode.

Stabby!

Starred in sequels of varying quality? Yes, absolutely. Winner? Another tie.

Was awesome enough in Alien 4 to make up for the presence of that godawful Winona Ryder? Wait a second, isn’t this question awfully biased? Yes! Yes, it is! But I love Ripley in Alien 4 soooooo much! She’s such a badass! Oh my gods, you guys, never before was there a badass as badass as Ripley was! Sooooo badass! I *heart* you, Ripley from Alien 4! Winner? Obviously, it’s Ripley.

Holy cow, it's almost more bad-assedness than this blog can contain!!

Hey, now it’s a tie! By gum, George, you’re right!

The final, tie-off, earth-shattering question! Actually really defeated the horrific evil she battled, at least once or twice? Well, here’s where poor Laurie Strode comes up against a terrible dilemna. Michael Myers is, apparently, indestructible. (Because John Carpenter said so, that’s why.) No matter how many sharp things she stabs the guy with, he just won’t die. No matter how many times he gets shot or how many car accidents he gets into, he lives on. On the other hand, Ripley actually did kill a lot of aliens, including the one incubating in her own body. It’s not her fault they breed like giant alien acid-blooded bunnies! Winner? Ripley!

Overall winner? Ripley, by a badass, alien-murdering nose.

In case you missed it: Badass. Right here.

Jamie Lee Curtis woke up the other morning and realized there are violent and voyeuristic images in the media.  She decided to write about it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-lee-curtis/warning-graphic-images_b_394144.html.  This after she finished her days of creating voyeuristic images of her own: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFj5MTp4lLo.   BTW, True Lies was an extremely violent movie.

OK, fair enough, Jamie Lee Curtis is an actor.  Despite seeming like an appealing and likable person, and reasonably intelligent in a loopy sort of way, she has made her living reading other people’s words.  The ten pages of comments that follow, though, are essentially incoherent.  This, folks, is the product of Arianna Huffington and her Post.  Folks, this is the greatest disappointment of my year.

The Huffington Post is supposed to be the breakthrough Internet journalism site.  HP is supposed to be legitimizing the concept that Internet journalism can stand on its own and doesn’t live a parasitic life on the vital forces of print and broadcast journalism.  Judging by the reporting and op-ed writing, maybe not that bad.  Reading the “letters to the editor”, what a bunch of unedited, goofy, nutballs.

Which only reinforces a lesson that everyone needs to be reminded of.  Believe your own eyes and ears, question every assertion, settle for nothing until you are satisfied you have the truth.  And everyone does foolish thing when they are young, that they later regret when they mature….

G’nite, all, and may God continue to bless America!

'H2' Movie Poster

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VERDICT:
7/10 Vegemite Sandwiches

Just one more reason why I need to get off my ass and make my own damn movie already.

Not Quite Hollywood is a documentary about the revolutionary Australian genre exploitation movies that came to rise in the 1960s but never quite made it to the big time and have since been all but forgotten. This isn’t Baz Luhrman and Peter Weir we’re talking about, this is gratuitous sexploitation romps, grisly C-grade horror movies drenched in karo syrup, and some of the most badass car chase action movies you’re likely to ever see.

It’s a pretty fitting title for one utterly insane look back at a whole slew of groundbreaking movies that Hollywood wouldn’t even go near, not even by today’s standards. Chances are you’re in the same boat as me and haven’t heard of 99% percent of these movies outside of Mad Max, but that doesn’t matter, because if things go according to plan, you might just find yourself with pen and paper in hand ready to write the names of these suckers down.

Then again, I can see how this one might not necessarily go according to plan for a lot of people out there. Not only is this a movie about movies you’ve never heard of, but it’s only really catering to all us cinephiles/nerds in the audience as it more or less boils down to people talking about movies for two hours. And while those are two hours I’d gladly spend, I’m not gonna delude myself into believing that this is gonna convert anyone that’s not already part of the congregation.

So for all you out there who are still reading and still interested, here’s what the movie breaks down to.

Not Quite Hollywood is split up into three sections that all provide the audience with a look into what was really going down in Australia when the rest of thought it was all boxing kangaroos and dingoes eating babies.

The first part covers the whole sexploitation genre, and who knew those Aussie’s were such horny bastards. Can’t say that I’ve ever seen such a constant barrage of full-frontal nudity in a movie before, so much so that it could easily pass for softcore porn after a while, so…way to go, Australia, I guess. It gets to be a little much after a while as it’s not exactly glorifying the female body as it is exploiting it, but, man, times were different back then. Pretty interesting in light of the Australian censors nowadays, something that could be said for the next two sections as well.

The second and third parts focus on the horror and action genres. The horror stuff has this early Sam Raimi vibe to it, and even though there’s not a whole lot going for this section, it’s interesting to look at these movies in contrast to what America was putting out at the time. But the action genre…wow. If you’ve seen Mad Max, you’ll understand what I mean. They still don’t make car chases like the Australians did back then, and boy howdy do they stand the test of time. No special effects, overtly dangerous camera angles, complete disregard for personal safety, tons of destruction, super high-octane, and enough badassery to go around to make Vin Diesel piss himself running. Fast and furious my ass.

It’s all really interesting for the most part and some of the commentary had me laughing out loud, but after a while it gets to be a little overwhelming. There’s a lot going on with these movies and in between trying to catch what everyone is saying and the total overstimulation of it all, Not Quite Hollywood sort of ends up being its own worst enemy. And some of us can only listen to people talk about B-movies like they’re golden oldies for oh so long.

Recently I read an interview with one Rob Zombie where he said that Hollywood has turned into a “scared town” that is too afraid to back original movies in lieu of financing another shitty remake that’s going to be box office gold. And you know, Rob is right. As someone who’s had it up to here with all the bullshit that gets released in theaters nowadays just because a frightening amount of people are more than ready to dish out their money on movies that fucking suck, I take a look back on the movies showcased here in Not Quite Hollywood and I think, “What the hell happened?”

Sorry if I’m going off on a bit of a tangent here, but this is one of those movies that gets you thinking, primarily about how ridiculous the so-called “limitations” are that have been put on amateur and veteran filmmakers alike by the producers who only have eyes for the Benjamins. It’s very fitting that Quentin Tarantino is one of the main commentators here, because this is a guy that truly loves movies regardless of their budget and is living proof that you can make effing great movies as long as you just go out and do it.

To say that movies in general have changed a good deal over the course of 40 or 50 years is one disheartening understatement. This is a celebration of filmmakers who had balls, of guys who just went out there and did it regardless of their budget, of movies that are unabashedly lewd, horribly gory, and unanimously crazy, and considering how much green the new Transformers sequel raked in this year, these are indeed qualities to be celebrated. Not Quite Hollywood isn’t for everyone, and sorry for the long review, but if you’re a total movie geek like me and are interested in this kinda stuff, it might just be right up your alley.

Good on ya’!

Just think about the title. The whole movie plot is right there. Every movie with ‘Beverly Hills’ in the title features a character or characters that are wealthy, arrogant, pampered, and disgusted by the idea of physical labor. But by the end of the movie, these characters have adjusted to a perky, more reasonable version of their past selves. They now do physical labor, like digging a trench, but they do it with a pink shovel. Such is the case with Chloe, the Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Chloe’s owner, a high-rolling cosmetics company founder played by Jamie Lee Curtis, is supposedly very busy, but not too busy to dress her dog up like a child beauty pageant contestant. When a business trip commands her presence overseas, she’s forced to entrust her most prized possession to her air-headed niece, Rachel. Rachel and Chloe don’t get along because they are exactly alike. When Rachel and her friends take an impromptu trip to Mexico, Chloe is kidnapped by a mustached man for his underground dog-fighting ring. The rest of the movie follows Rachel and Chloe as they try to find each other in time before the chihuahua’s owner comes home.

Will they find each other? Of course they will! It’s a Disney movie for crying out loud!

The talking animations are good, but the flow of talking animals gets thrown off when Chloe runs into a completely animated iguana and rat. They break up the realistic animation with their over-the-top movements, and it feels like they were added last minute just so Cheech Marin could get some voice work in.

Drew Barrymore voices Chloe, and frankly, a dog is too smart for her voice. Sure, the prissy purebred is snooty and oblivious to what the unwashed commoners refer to as ‘work,’ but Drew’s voice is better suited for a single-cell organism, or at best an earthworm.

The Chloe character isn’t one to like as much as one to pity. All the animals that help her along the way do so because they feel sorry for her. All in all she’s unlikeable, despite, or because of, her zippy one-liners and goofy outfits.

1 of 4 paws.

Jamie Lee Curtis (born November 22, 1958) is an American actress. Although she was initially known as a “scream queen” because of her starring roles in many horror films early in her career such as Halloween, The Fog, Prom Night and Terror Train, Curtis has since compiled a body of work that covers many genres. Her 1998 book, Today I Feel Silly, and Other Moods That Make My Day, made the best-seller list in The New York Times. She is married to actor Christopher Guest (Lord Haden-Guest) and, as the wife of a lord, is titled Lady Haden-Guest, but she chooses not to use the title when in the United States. She is currently the spokeswoman for Activia. She is also a blogger for The Huffington Post online newspaper.

Trivia:

During the 1980s she was engaged to Hollywood production designer J. Michael Riva, the grandson of screen legend Marlene Dietrich. Her godfather was MCA-Universal CEO Lew Wasserman.

Saw her future husband Christopher Guest in the issue of Rolling Stone magazine with Cyndi Lauper on the cover. Guest appeared in a promotional photo for the film This Is Spinal Tap (1984) in full costume and makeup as a rock star. She fell in love at first sight of the photo and gave her telephone number to his agent.

Adopted two children with Christopher Guest: Annie Guest (b. December 1986) and Thomas (b. March 1996).

Daughter of Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh.

Became formally known as Baroness Haden-Guest of Saling in the County of Essex (or, less formally, Lady Haden-Guest), when her husband, Christopher, inherited the barony in 1996 on the death of his father.

Graduated from Choate Rosemary Hall private school in 1976.

It was on her suggestion that Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998) was made.

Her deleted scene from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984) is included on the MGM Special Edition DVD, 2001, as the “Alternate Opening”.

Was asked to cameo in Scream 3 (2000), but declined.

Won a 2003 Grammy nomination in the Best Spoken Album for Children category for her recording of the children’s books she has written.

Measurements: 34C-22-32 (wardrobe on Forever Young (1992)) (Source: Celebrity Sleuth magazine)

Attended University of the Pacific in Stockton, California.

When making reservations in exclusive London restaurants at short notice, she gives her name as Lady Haden-Guest, which apparently works better than Jamie Lee Curtis.

She told a German magazine that she will retire from making movies and that Christmas with the Kranks (2004) will be her last work as an actress. (November 2004)

Said in an interview on Good Entertainment, with Michael Medved (2001) (TV) that, ironically, horror films terrify her and she prefers not to watch them.

Member of jury at the Cannes Film Festival in 1992

Was one of the guests at Sandra Bullock’s and Jesse James’ wedding.

Godmother of Jake Gyllenhaal.

Two of her earliest roles make reference to roles played by her father. She appeared in the television series “Operation Petticoat” (1977), based on the movie that had starred her father, Tony Curtis. While on hiatus from that show, she was cast in Halloween (1978), in which the detective “Sam Loomis” was named after a character from Psycho (1960), which had starred her mother, Janet Leigh. Also, her father imitated Cary Grant’s voice for his role in Some Like It Hot (1959), and worked with Grant himself in Operation Petticoat (1959). Grant’s birth name, Archie Leach, was used as the name for John Cleese’s character in A Fish Called Wanda (1988).

Once said that Dan Aykroyd was the best on-screen kisser she ever worked with.

John Cleese found it amusing that her father, Tony Curtis’s real name was Bernard Schwartz. To tease her about this, during the production of A Fish Called Wanda (1988), he had the call sheets refer to her as “Jamie Lee Schwartz.”.

Around the time True Lies (1994) was released, Jamie appeared in a series of commercials for L’Eggs Pantyhose. The company also took out an insurance policy for her legs.

Amazon Specials!

Sprutor är inte min favoritsport. Igår fick jag ännu en. Inte så styv i korken idag, om man så säger. Lite knockad. Kurar under filt i soffan, tuggar vindruvor, ojar mig lite och ser gamla gangsters på dvd. Det regnar ute. Såklart. Det är ju fortfarande november.

Idag fyller Mads år. Och Boris. Och Jamie Lee. Men det visste ni säkert?

Och vad har dessa med mig att göra? Inte ett smack.

On November 22:

1574 Discovery of the Juan Fernández Islands off Chile.

1718 Pirate Edward Teach (best known as “Blackbeard“) was killed in battle with a boarding party led by Lieutenant Robert Maynard.

1808  Thomas Cook, British travel entrepreneur, was born.

1819  George Eliot, (Mary Ann Evans) British novelist, was born.

1859  Charles Darwin’s book On the Origin of Species was first offered for sale, in London.

1899 Hoagy Carmichael, American composer, was born.

1890 Charles de Gaulle, President of France (, was born.

1913 Benjamin Britten, British composer, was born.

1914 Peter Townsend, British Equerry and air pilot, was born.

1919 – Máire Drumm, Irish civil rights activist, was born.

1928 The premier performance of Ravel’s Boléro took place in Paris.

1943  Lebanon gained independence from France.

1958  Jamie Lee Curtis, American actress, was born.

1963  US President John F. Kennedy was killed and Texas Governor John B. Connally is seriously wounded by Lee Harvey Oswald.

1975 Juan Carlos was declared King of Spain following the death of Francisco Franco.

1977 British Airways inaugurated a regular London to New York City supersonic Concorde service.

1998  British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher withdrew from the Conservative Party leadership election, confirming the end of her premiership.

1995 Toy Story was released as the first feature-length film created completely using computer-generated imagery.

2005 Angela Merkel became the first female Chancellor of Germany.

Sourced from NZ History Online & Wikipedia.

John Carpenter: el hombre que da sentido a este blog. Director, guionista y compositor de cine de variados géneros, pero especialmente el terror y la serie B. Lo que le diferencia de otros directores del género es su estilo tan característico; los planos y el ritmo de sus películas recuerdan muchas veces a los empleados por Sergio Leone en sus míticos spaghetti westerns. No sólo destaca en el aspecto visual, sino en la profundidad que otorga a los personajes, a diferencia de otros filmes en los que éstos resultan planos. Sus películas no arrasan en taquilla, pero sí que tiene a su alrededor una legión de fans incondicionales.

Kurt Russell: uno de sus actores fetiche. Nació en 1951 y fue lo que se llama “un niño Disney” llegando a rodar películas y series de televisión para la compañía Walt Disney Pictures. Empezó a ser tomado en serio con la nominación al Emmy en 1979 por el telefilme Elvis (de John Carpenter). A partir de ahí empezó una carrera en la que ha colaborado en algunas de las películas más miticas de John Carpenter como La Cosa, Golpe en la Pequeña China y, sobre todo, las dos películas en las que encarnó al ya legendario Snake Plissken: Rescate en Nueva York y Rescate en Los Angeles. Ha participado en éxitos como Conexión Tequila, Tango y Cash, Breakdown, Llamaradas o Death Proof.

Jamie Lee Curtis: actriz que, con sólo 20 años, debutó en la exitosa película de John Carpenter Halloween y por la que recibió el nombre de “Reina del Grito”. Siguió haciendo películas de terror, como la secuela de Halloween y, de nuevo con Carpenter, con la aclamada La Niebla. No sólo ha hecho cine de terror, sino que también ha participado en comedias como Entre Pillos Anda el Juego, Un Pez llamado Wanda o Criaturas Feroces, además de en éxitos de taquilla como Mentiras Arriesgadas, Mi Chica o El Sastre de Panamá.

Before there was TMZ, there was Earl the Butcher, sifting through all of the celebrity gossip and urban wives thingies.  Here are ten of the top celebrity rumors I heard back in the day:

_______________________________________

Mike D Died

I was in fifth grade when this one broke.  For those of you too young to remember the Beastie Boys back then, let me make this comparison: Hip Hop losing Mike D would be like if the ‘99 Lakers lost Travis Knight.  It hit the community hard.  Of course, they revived him just before Paul’s Botique, thus, “I’m Mike D and I’m back from the dead.”

Rumor: TRUE

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Mike D and Screech are Brothers

I was a little older when this one broke.  Mike D had died a few years back.  Then somebody finally made the connection:

Michael Diamond and Dustin Diamond are related. And it checks out.  Turns out they were the offspring of a couple named Neil and Blood.

Rumor: TRUE

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Madonna Peed on her Athletes’ Foot

I didn’t want to believe this one when it surfaced; unfortunately it’s absolutely true.

In related news, I told my wife I had Athletes’ Chest.  Turns out she still doesn’t believe the rumor.

Rumor: TRUE

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Eddie Murphy Picked Up a Man, Baby

Eddie Murphy, who dropped the word “faggot” a combined 54 times in Delirious and Raw, and did a whole set on how much pussy he gets, picked up a tranny prostitute?  No way.  Oh, yes way.  It happened.  Eddie pulled up the skirt and a different kind of “big brown shark came.”

Rumor: TRUE

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Richard Gere Stuck a Gerbil Up His Bunghole

Oh, totally true.  A friend of mine’s aunt is a nurse at the emergency room in Missouri where Cindy Crawford rushed him after it happened.  The gerbil was shaved bare, declawed, and nicknamed “an Officer.”

Rumor: TRUE

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Walt Disney was Cryogenicaly Frozen

This one seems almost too mundane to even be a rumor.  He is indeed frozen in a chamber buried underneath Magic Kingdom.  The part that is in question is whether execs really woke him up for a screening of the rough cut of Tron.  I doubt it.

Rumor: TRUE

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Mikey Likes It Blew His Stomach Out

Pop Rocks + Pepsi + an Almost-Was-But-Never-Will-Be talent = Exploded stomach ≠ False.

Rumor: TRUE

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Every Michael Jackson Story You’ve Ever Heard

He sleeps in an hyperbaric chamber, speaks in a normal voice when no one is around, bought the Elephant Man’s skull, suffers from vitiligo and called it Splitsville once and for all with Macaulay Culkin  All true.  Every last one of them.

Rumor: TRUE

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Jamie Lee Curtis is a Hermaphrodite

JLC ’s got more junk in the front than she does in the trunk.  Freak.

Rumor: TRUE

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You Can't Reach What Isn't There

Marilyn Manson Removed a Rib So He Could Suck His Joint

Fo Shizzle: Marilyn did it.  The man underwent a 30k surgery so he could service his own iPud.  Who knew it was just a simple rib standing between me, third base and me?  Brutal.

Rumor: TRUE

Some celebrities will do anything for a paycheck these days.  From hawking nuts to yogurt to cheap Italian denim, some celebs will stand behind any product that’s tossing a paycheck their way.  Unfortunately the brands are the real losers here, because these awkward juxtapositions often leave consumers bewildered rather than impressed.  Here is a list of the more recent celebrity spokesperson debacles we wish we’d never been subjected to:

Jamie Lee Curtis, Activia

Adweek.com

Activiaaaaaaa! Who can forget the annoying jingle associated with this digestive-friendly Dannon yogurt.  If the jingle doesn’t stick in your head for days, perhaps Jamie Lee Curtis’s cheesy grins and awkward mentions of “occasional irregularity” will. According to the ad, 87% of this country suffers from digestive issues.    Perhaps a more important statistic is one pointed out in Youtube video comment – that 87% of this country suffers from bad commercials such as this one.  The ad has been spoofed numerous times on the video sharing site, as well as a Saturday Night Live skit featuring Ashton Kutcher, Amy Poehler, and Judy Grimes.

Lindsay Lohan, Fornarina

If your dad makes an appearance on the Maury show to discuss your addiction to prescription drugs, you probably aren’t anyone’s top pick for celebrity spokesperson.  This must be why Lindsay Lohan stooped low enough to star in a now-infamous commercial for Fornarina, a low-end Italian clothing line.  Even though the Maury incident occurred well after this commercial was filmed, Lohan’s appearance in the ad was seen as just another sad attempt for the out-of-work actress to earn a paycheck .  The trippy, bizarre commercial (which is hardly distinguishable as a clothing ad) was mocked by almost every celebrity news site imaginable.

Kirstie Alley, Jenny Craig

Theinsider.com

Kirstie Alley started off as a perfect spokesperson for the weight loss program.  Since beginning the diet in 2004, the actress claimed she lost 75 pounds and maintained the weight loss for over a year.  However, in early 2008, photos surfaced of the once-healthy Alley looking more like her old, fat self.  Eventually a Jenny Craig spokesperson announced that Alley would “no longer appear in future advertising endeavors” for the brand, and that she would “pass the maintenance baton” to Valerie Bertinelli, former soap star and ex-wife of Eddie Van Halen.  We’re sure Alley’s failure to keep the weight off thrilled Jenny Craig execs,  who no doubt paid her big bucks to tout the program’s success.

Levi Johnston, Wonderful Pistachios

Levi Johnston has stretched his 15 minutes of fame more than any “celebrity” out there, and the 19-year-old baby daddy is showing no signs of slowing down. Bristol Palin’s former fiancé began by posing for GQ, and now the Alaskan stud appears in the October issue of Vanity Fair and even an upcoming issue of Playgirl.  In a new commercial for Wonderful Pistachios, Johnston is seen munching on pistachios alongside a bodyguard.  “Now Levi Johnston does it with protection,” reads the tagline.  We bet Bristol does too, after she saw how quickly Johnston turned from family man to famewhore.

Kim Kardashian, QuickTrim

Obesityfighter.com

Only Kim Kardashian would shamelessly promote a weight loss supplement during her own sister’s wedding.  In a recent issue of OK! magazine, which featured Khloe Kardashian’s wedding to Lamar Odom on the cover, Kim lamented how tight her dress was and how fitting into it involved a “lot of QuickTrim.”  Members of the Kardashian clan are no strangers to self-promoting at any chance they get, so why would a sacred event like a wedding be any different?  Kim has also mentioned the product numerous times on her website, her twitter page, and during her many paid appearances.  She claimed that official endorsement offers from QuickTrim came after she began to promote it by her own means, but we aren’t sure we buy that claim.  Plus, Kim’s not fooling anyone – it takes a lot more than a diet pill to look that hot.

Jon Gosselin, Ed Hardy

Hollywoodlife.com

Ok, so Jon Gosselin does not officially represent  the clothing line…yet.  But he may as well, seeing as the brand has become synonymous with douchebaggery and everything else Jon Gosselin stands for.  Ever since Jon began to sport the label’s tees all over town, he’s become the unofficial spokesperson for Christian Audigier’s tattoo-inspired designs.  He even partied aboard Audigier’s yacht in Saint Tropez, alongside his 22-year-old girlfriend Hailey Glassman.  At one point the deadbeat dad was in talks to design a children’s clothing line for the brand, but that offer must have fizzled, along with Jon’s desire to be a responsible husband and parent.

Ann Magnuson; image courtesy of papermag.com

When I originally started thinking about artists who might expand the definition of what a diva is, the first person who came to mind was the subject of this post. Who else but a diva could be seen in concert halls and magazines as well as museum exhibits, obscure sitcoms, and cultish b-movies? Campy, profane, versed in popular culture, obsessed with the fragmented nature of female personae, and tailed by a devoted audience, Magnuson definitely seems to meet the requirements of being diva.

Like Wynne Greenwood (aka Tracy + the Plastics), Magnuson made a name for herself through the available art scene, specifically by managing Club 57 in the East Village during the early 1980s. At the time, Club 57 — which originally claimed its residence in a church basement — was a burgeoning scene comprised of folks like Keith Haring, Kenny Scharf, the B-52s, Klaus Nomi, and Fab Five Freddy. Magnuson and her patrons were obsessed with the radioactive kitsch of their Cold War-era adolescence and she would often arrange theme nights like day-glo erotic art show and Elvis Presley hootenannies or turn the venue into a putt-putt golf or a tiki lounge. During this time, she also became a part of Pulsallama, a percussion-based girl group that Magnuson thought of as an anti-band rebelling against the “fashionable primitivism” Malcolm McLaren was espousing with Bow Wow Wow, who he was managing (re: manipulating) at the time. Magnuson had left the group by the time they made “The Devil Lives in My Husband’s Body,” but you can get a good sense of what they were about in the music video below.

A key trait for any diva to me seems to be the ability to inhabit various roles, sometimes in opposition to one another, through performance. Folks might be quick to offer up a better-known pop icons like Madonna, Christina Aguilera, and Beyoncé, but let’s not forget Magnuson who often differed from these women by using her chameleon-like ability to create characters that poked fun at female stereotypes, materialism, confessionalism, and the hollowness of fame. Pairing up with Tom Rubnitz, she put together “Made for Television” in 1981 for PBS’s Alive From Off Center. The 15-minute piece, which simulates late-night channel surfing, features believeable send-ups of televangelism, soap operas, and game shows with Magnuson playing all the parts. Particularly with regard to how hollow and alienating our collective fixation of fame can be, it reminds me of Eileen Maxson’s “Lost Broadcasts,” which depicts the artist as a reality show hopeful whose staggeringly candid audition tape is being fast-forwarded and talked over by a disinterested casting agent fielding a phone call.

I cannot locate ”Made For Television” online, but I have seen it in exhibition. If you hear about it coming to your town, I suggest you see it. If you find it on the Interwebz, share with the group.

In the mid-1980s, Magnuson got together with Mark Kramer to form Bongwater, a band where this kind of performance was all too common.   

Ever the actress, she would off-set duties with Bongwater with turns in the ABC Jamie Lee Curtis/Richard Lewis sitcom Anything But Love, The Adventures of Pete and Pete, and The Hunger as well as Susan Seidelman’s beloved Desperately Seeking Susan and Making Mr. Right (which totally looks like a movie I should see).

In 1995, Magnuson released her first solo album, The Luv Show, which was apparently inspired by the mad-cap narratives, sex-crazed vixens, and pop-art shine of Russ Meyer movies. It certainly explains the cover, though no explanation needs to be given for songs like “Miss Pussy Pants.”

Ann Magnuson, ever the saucy minx; image courtesy of salon.com

While Magnuson was never going to be a mainstream talent, it’s heartening to know that our media culture had room for a smart, cheeky lady all too willing to represent in the margins. Actually, they still seem to have the room for her, as Magnuson released her second solo album Pretty Songs & Ugly Stories in 2006, embarks on cabaret tours, and does occasional film work. More importantly, Magnuson seems all too willing to deconstruct the very idea of the diva, who she is, who she pretends to be, who she represents, and where her markers of identity blur and splinter. She might be Cindy Sherman’s kind of diva. She’s definitely my kind of diva.