Apparantly Jessica Alba is heading back to her Dark Angel roots as she will star in an adaptation of the Insiders, a series of Belgian graphic novels published by Dargaud.

Alba herself put up the money to buy the rights along with Robert Rodriguez, who will be producing this as well.

French-Algerian filmmaker Mabrouk El Mechri (JCVD which is a great film), is now attached to direct this project.

I’ve not heard of the comic book by Jean-Claude Bartoll. However it debuted back in 2002, and follows Najah Cruz, “a Columbian who is as deadly as she is beautiful. She has the weapons expertise and combat skills of a James Bond. At the secret request of the White House she infiltrates a worldwide mafia-like organization composed of businessmen and politicians and becomes the bodyguard of the organization’s leader.”

How does that grab you. Pretty cool I say. It also sounds like the comic book, Sleeper, but with no superpowers.

What do we have then – a cool comic book concept, a director who does things a bit differently and Jessica Alba. At the minute I am thinking Alba is the weak link in this one as many of the parts she has played recently are a bit…naff. Mind you she is starring in The Killer Inside Me and she did do the kick ass stuff back in James Cameron’s Dark Angel TV show. Plus she is easy on the eye. Hmm, maybe this might just work.

What do you think?

Amazon UK – Insiders Vol.1: Chechen Guerilla
Amazon USA – Insiders Vol.1: Chechen Guerrilla

Source: Pajiba

I guess it was inevitable that once the flood gates of UFC fighters jumping out of the Octagon and into other media outlets started, there would be no holding back more and more fighters from taking a stab at the acting bug.  Of course, I never in a million years would have expected the Eastern Block werewolf himself, Belarusian Andre Arlovski to show up in a flick, much less a sequel to a cheesy, fan favorite action flick side by side with  it’s two original stars.  But then I saw this:

JCVD, Dolph Lundgren, AND Arlovski?  You can feel the cheese bubbling forth already… Sold.

Remember back in June when I spoke of the new proposed Universal Soldier film? Yeah well, lethargics need just press this to be warped to the zone of June when it was posted. I’m also using the same picture from that post as, hey, lethargy rules, brother. Rock on.

Turns out my prediction was indeed wrong too, as this trailer suggests there’s going to be a lot of fighting and bad dialogue throughout. I sense a pattern in the series. After the official synopsis will be the trailer, and after that will be….some chicken? I’m hungry.

Words please!

With stolen top-secret technology, terrorists have created a next-generation Universal Soldier – an elite fighter genetically altered into a programmable killing machine. With this “UniSol” (Former UFC Heavyweight Champion Andrei “The Pit Bull” Arlovski) leading the way, they seize the crippled Chernobyl nuclear reactor, threatening to unleash a lethal radioactive cloud. The only one who can stop them is Luc Deveraux (Jean-Claude Van Damme), a UniSol who’s been decommissioned for years. Reactivated and retrained, Deveraux must make a full-out assault on the heavily armed fortress. But inside, he’ll discover not one but two of these virtually indestructible warriors. Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren), Deveraux’s vicious UniSol enemy from the original Universal Soldier, has been secretly reanimated and upgraded. Now, these elite fighters are locked, loaded and programmed to kill; and the fate of millions hinges on this high-action showdown.

On le sait, les rappeurs frinçais ont des goûts en matière de cinéma. Par exemple ils vouent un culte à scarface en VF… En VF !
Bon Scarface ça reste un bon film à la base. donc l’idée leur est venue de faire pire. Toujours pire.
Telle est la devise du rap frinçais.
Ne pouvant cacher leur attrait pour jean Claude Van Damme et les petites asiats, la vraie référence improbable cinématographique du rap frinçais c’est…
KICKBOXER !

Et ce grâce à une phrase toute bête qui marquera leurs esprits d’enfants à jamais.
Mais pour ça il faut résumer le film très vite.
JCVD incarne Kurt !
…Kurt… c’est déjà la loose et ça va être comme ça un peu tout le film.

Alors en gros, le mec est le frère d’un champion de box thai aux states, il est même pas champion lui même. Son reuf va en Thaïlande pour voir un peu si ils sont vraiment si fort que ça les chongs.
Autant dire que passé les premières scènes, on ne verra plus ce personnage qu’en fauteuil roulant.
Or Van Damme il aime pas trop avoir des handicapés dans sa mif (un peu douteux le message de ce film) alors il veut à son tour dérouiller le champion qui a niqué son frère. Tong Po.

(Tong Po c’est le croisement de Sagat dans Street Fighter et Karl Lagerfeld mais ça c’est déjà plus visible dans les nombreuses suites toutes géniales de cette série où il sera devenu bilingue pour mieux trafiquer de la drogue parce qu’un barbare avec deux mots de vocabulaire, même Thaïlandais, c’était pas assez marrant.)

Donc là Tong Po est encore un grand mongol en slip.
Et JCVD il peut pas le niquer comme ça.
Alors il va voir un vieux dans la montagne.
C’est ça qu’est bien en Asie du Sud Est, y a toujours des coins un peu reculés avec des vieux qui t’apprennent pleins de truc et après tu peux aller niquer le méchant.
des entraînements à base de faire la sieste sous un arbre en attendant que les noix de coco te tombent dessus, des trucs de ouf !

Et là, le ieuv, il a une nièce : Mai Li.
Et évidement y a une romance de fiottes qui naît entre JC et Mai Li
Et là ils sont tout mignon tout les deux parce qu’ils se cherchouillent, ils flirtouillent ensemble.
Bref le truc dégueulasse dont on a typiquement pas besoin dans un film de castagne.

Surtout que Tong Po c’est pas trop son truc l’amour platonique, il préfère plus tonique.
Alors il va voir Mai Li et il la viole vite fait, il a pas le temps pour ces conneries.
(D’ailleurs Mai Li aurait peut-être du lui dire “stop.”)

Et on en arrive à la scène finale fatidique, JCVD se bat contre Tong Po.
Tong Po le met par terre et dira cette phrase fatidique à JC “Tu te couches comme Mai Li.”

Voilà !!
Voilà !!
La phrase qui sera reprise par les rappeurs frinçais à travers les âges.
Tong Po rajoutera également “Mai Li bonne baise” mais ça les rappeurs l’ont moins reprise et c’est bien dommage.
Les X-Men, Bass Click, Nysay, Dry, Alain de l’Ombre (Green) et tant d’autres, ils feront références à cette phase mongole et quelque part ça prouve à quel point notre rap hexagonal est magnifique.
Seul Ol kainry qui n’a pas tout compris au film fera des punchlines sur Tong Po qui s’entraine sur le pilier.
Le mec il a retenu ça du film…
On sait pas pourquoi, on ne sait pas comment, on ne veut pas savoir.
　
Sinon, je vais vous gâcher la fin.
JCVD comprend donc que sa pute a été dépucelée par un géant et il l’a mauvaise, alors il nique tout le monde.
Parce que bon, le mec lui rend un frère handicapé et une pute déjà utilisée et tout le monde sait à quel point il est dur de trouver une vierge de plus de 11ans en Thaïlande, demandez à Frédéric Mitterrand.
Il en a gros sur la patate contre Tong Po.
Et c’est la victoire du bien contre le jaune.
Normal.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5orhi_kickboxer_shortfilms

on aurait bien mis les liens des sons où cette pauvre petite bridée est salement name-droppée, mais on s’est dit autant le faire demain.

Title:
Lionheart (1990)
Rated: R
Directed by:
Sheldon Lettich
Written by:
S.N. Warren (story)
Jean Claude Van Damme (screenplay)
Starring:
Jean Claude Van Damme as Leon
Harrison Page as Joshua
Debra Rennard as Cynthia
Lisa Pelikan as Helene
Ashley Johnson as Nicole

 By Count Vardulon

Pre-screening memories: I was old enough, when seeing Lionheart for the first time, that I can’t call it one of the most important formative movies of my childhood. True, I wasn’t a fan of martial arts films before seeing it, and afterwards I became something of a devotee of Van Damme’s, but the most vital part of the film for my developing fandom was that it reinforced the lesson, first taught by Tim Curry’s performance in the movie Clue, that following an actor from project to project would

A: Never disappoint, because if nothing else, you at least get to see a performance by someone whose work you enjoy, and

B: could possibly lead to discovering something fantastic.

Which is my circuitous way of saying that my passion for the TV show Sledge Hammer! led directly to my lifelong love of watching people kicking other people in the face. Still inconsolable two full years after Sledge Hammer’s cancellation, seeing Harrison Page show up in television ads for upcoming film ‘Lionheart’ made me determined to see the film, which was rated a forbidding R, ensuring that I wouldn’t make it to the theatres.

When I finally saw the film on video it didn’t disappoint. Not only was Harrison Page fantastic in the film, but the action was unlike anything I’d seen in the Arnold Schwarzenegger movies that dominated my childhood, or even the occasional episode of Kung Fu. After all, who needed a machine gun when you could just spin really fast and crack someone across the jaw with your heel? A lifelong fan of the genre was born, as well as a devotee of Van Damme’s ‘all downhill from here’ ouevre.

New memories: I’m frankly amazed by how good this movie was. Not having seen it in years, I’d assumed that it was going to be one of those embarrassingly Natsukashi moments (that’s how you use that word, right?) where I’d created an epic action extravaganza in my mind that never actually existed – this was certainly not the case. The action certainly wasn’t up to modern choreographic standards, but everything else about the film was far better than I’d remembered.

That’s right, what impressed me most about the film was that it worked, first and foremost, as a drama. Sounds crazy, right? Van Damme’s a pretty limited actor, especially at this fresh-faced stage of his career, before that personal and professional setbacks that would reduce him to the withered husk of ‘JCVD’, but damn if it doesn’t work in this part, as a simply good, almost naïve man struggling his way through the seamy world of underground fighting. He’s helped on this journey by the even-better-than-I-remembered-it performance of Harrison Page, who provides perhaps the most raw, vulnerable, and downright emotional performance I’ve ever seen in an action film. The way his Joshua starts out sad, defeated and desperate and gradually finds a kind of purpose and nobility in training Leon is a great character arc, and it brings him to a moment, right at the end, which is unlike anything I’ve seen in an American action film.

The other thing that amazed me about the movie (other than the fact that it’s a semi-remake of Midnight Cowboy – Who knew?) was the aspect that likely affected me most as a youngster, and that’s the utter contempt that the film shows for the upper classes who are funding the brutal no-holds-barred fights. If the film’s battles aren’t the most spectacular thing ever, their settings are absolutely stunning, and steeped in subtext. Van Damme’s first professional fight is in a parking garage beneath an office building, literally taking place in the underbelly of New York’s wealth-obsessed establishment. From there the action moves out to LA, but the satirical settings don’t stop – there’s a huge pool in a beachside mansion, a squash court, and a ring constructed from the luxury automobiles of the elite who have come to watch men beat each other nearly to death. This all leads up to the final battle which takes place well within the closed walls of the upper-class, a tennis court around the back of a palatial estate. The entire film works as an attack on the kind of people who commoditize human beings, and if the message gets a little heavy-handed at times (and it does), at least the movie was trying to say something important, unlike just about all of its brethren.

I loved Lionheart as a child. As an adult, crazy as it may seem, I respect it.

Download Natsukashi’s ‘Lionheart’ podcast right here

Or dropkick below and listen on our player

Our featured guest: Harrison Page

Fascinated by film at an early age, Harrison sought the Hollywood dream after serving in the military.

He began, as most starting in the business do, by snagging small roles on television, film and stage. And looking back, has amassed a resume in an astonishing amount of popular shows, including C.P.O. Sharkey, Webster, Hill Street Blues, Fame, 21 Jump Street, The Wonder Years, Quantum Leap (which earned him an Emmy nod), Melrose Place, Ally McBeal, ER, JAG, and Cold Case, to name but a few.

But it was his role in the cult classic series Sledge Hammer! (yes, the exclamation point was in the title) that cemented him into certified pop culture status. In it, he played Captain Trunk, the Pepto-Bismal-swilling, beleaguered head of a police department featuring the titular vigilante office (played by David Rasche). (Ed. note-  If you are not putting this series on your Netflix queue this very moment, we don’t want to know you.)

Harrison spoke about his time spent on the set with a young Van Damme, his fond memories of Sledge, and the wisdom he’s amassed in his four decades of Hollywood. Thanks, Harrsion, from your pals at Natsukashi.

Kickboxer: potential lawyer takes up fighting to avenge his once cocky, now disabled, brother in a Muay Thai match against a monster. From the outset (Van Damme and his brother on a boat looking like child-molesting sex tourists) you know this is vintage 80s. The songs – and dance scene – are also criminally cheesy, yet perversely enjoyable. All bad guys passed their ‘villain 101′ course: stab dog, rape girl, fight dirty, kidnap a cripple… and no martial arts film would be complete without a wise Confucius. Why not chuck a jive-talkin’ black guy who’s addicted to pussy in the mix too? Overall, the acting’s pretty bad, and the films nothing more than an excuse for Van Damme to flaunt his skills, accent, muscles, splits and gnarly dancing. You know what you’re getting with this one and although it’s not packed with fights/action you could do a lot worse with 90 minutes. Vintage Van Damme.

Score: 6/10

Van Damme doesn’t just make mind punching action movies, you know. A couple years back he made an art-house film called ‘JCVD’ (that’s his name, duh).

Not sure how I feel about this movie. There’s a whole lot of talking and not a lot of snake punching. In fact, there are NO snake punching scenes!

Let me outline the plot for you. Some lameo criminals rob a bank and take JCVD hostage. Then everyone thinks JCVD robbed the bank. I find this hard to believe, because if it really was JCVD he would disarm them in a millisecond and then get on to a real adventure… One with jungles and time travel and awesome dance sequences…

Why he made this I do not know. But because it stars JCVD it’s still better than 99% of movies out there.

Over the week, I bought the film “JCVD” on DVD. I never saw the film before. I’ve wanted to see it in theater, but the film was only playing in selected theaters in the U.S. since this is a French movie.

Jean Claude hasn’t made a great movie in years. Some of my favorite Jean Claude Van Damme movies are: “Blood Sport”, “Universal Soldier”, “Nowhere To Run”, and “Kickboxer”. That’s about it I believe.

I watched “JCVD”, last night and was really really impressed by it. The film is actually great. Jean Claude stars as himself in the film.

The film tells a story about an action star named, Jean Claude Van Damme, of course, who is struggling to get his life back together. He’s about to lose his family and his movie career. After losing a custody battle with his daughter in court, JCVD goes to the post office to get a wire transfer, only to find himself being held hostage in a robbery. At first, the movie tries to make it look like that JCVD was holding the post office hostage when it was another robber really doing it. JC was later being framed for robbing the post office.

I would seriously reccomend this movie, this movie reminded me of Al Pacino’s “Dog Day Afternoon”.

I wish this movie, “JCVD” had a wider release. Jean Claude’s acting skills was actually fantastic in this film. The film was beautifully made, and a pretty thrilling movie.

Definitely check it out. I think it’s Jean Claude’s best film since “Bloodsport”.

Kev

You might think this is a slightly odd entry.  And lets be honest they have not been the sanest selection in the world so far I have gone over the edge after a mild outbreak of what I suspect is Sarrs (Does anyone remember Sarrs? I  think I am the only who remembers the potentially devastating but completely useless super virus).  Anyway, tonight due to the sudden epidemic in FilmWipe HQ we are going to do a rundown of the scores so far.  This is so that you good people who hang on my every word can see where we’re at and see which film is where.  It will be a rocky road but you can see how far we have come in such a short period of time.

In reverse order:

Dorian Gray: 1/10 – Only avoiding a zero due to my desire not to give it infamy.

Good: 1/10

The Invention of Lying: 1/10 – Suicidal

The Aryan Couple: 2/10 – No Comment

Fighting Goliath: Texas Coal Wars: 2/10 – Poor

Artificial Intelligence: 2/10 Weak

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus: 4/10

Bleeder: 4/10 – No Comment

12:08 East of Bucharest : 4/10 Un-revolutionary

Blood: The last vampire: 5/10 –  No Comment

I Love You Man: 6/10 – an 8 when Segel is on screen

Away We Go: 6/10 – Pleasant

The Damned United: 7/10 – No Comment

Broken Embraces: 7/10 – Delightful

Walk the Line: 7/10 – No Comment

Defiance: 7/10 Interesting

JCVD: 7/10 Slick

Slumdog Millionaire: 8/10 – Spellbinding

Forces of Nature: 8/10 – Terrible yet brilliant

Science of Sleep: 8/10

Up: 8/10 – Spellbinding

Strawberry and Chocolate: 8/10

Let The Right One In: 9/10 – Best film of the year

Allegro: 9/10 – Enchanting

District 9: 9/10 –  No Comment

OSS 117: Cairo Nest of Spies: 9/10 – No Comment

Infernal Affairs: 9/10 – No Comment

Desperado: Score off the scale

Fish Tank: Score Not Included

As you can see from our extensive list the worst film so far has been the Ben Barnes classic Dorian Gray. While the best films so far have been Desperado, Fish Tank and Infernal Affairs. What a first month it has been for FilmWipe.  Hopefully we will be roasting more celebrities and terrible films over the hot coals.

JCVD: shows two perspectives of a post office robbery that Van Damme’s involved in… but this isn’t like any other film he’s done. He basically plays himself, in real life. To keep it realistic there’s not much action or explosives outside the opening scene – which is a self-referencing parody – and the DVD box. It’s pretty much an anti ‘Van Damme’ film; foreign language, with subtitles and genuinely clever & complex subject matter. To confuse us further it comments on his life, fame, the media, drug use, his filmography, similar actors and the movie business in general. Above this, Van Damme puts on a sensational performance, peaking with a 6-minute long single-cut soliloquy with his heart on his sleeve – which you absolutely do not expect. Above that it’s shot and executed brilliantly, with stylish visuals and editing. People that don’t ‘get it’ will think it’s just a crap action film, which is no doubt the reason it went straight to DVD. It’s self-indulgent, but it totally blew me away is it was less than 1% what I expected. Damme good viewing!! (Sorry)

Score: 7.5/10

A wasted opportunity.

Forget about Christine Bale. You know how should star in the next Terminator movie? Duh. Van Damme! Schwarzenegger is one cool amigo, but it is time he passed the robotic torch onto his true successor. Van Damme has the muscles, the hair, and the ability to look cool in shades to do the job justice.

Come on Hollywood, put Van Damme in Terminator 5!

Back in the 1990s, Van Damme and Steven Seagull nearly got into a fight to prove who was tougher.

Sylvester Stallone even hosted a party to settle the score once and for all. According to Rocky Balboa, “At a party in my home in Miami in 1997, Van Damme was tired of Seagal claiming he could kick his ass so he offered Seagal outside into my back yard.”

Seagal made his excuses and left. But Van Damme, who was berserk, tracked him down at a nightclub and offered him out again,” he added.

Alas, the battle was not to be. Hopefully we will see Van Damme lay the smack down one day.

'Looking for Eric'

Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are standing in a movie line waiting to see Bergman’s Face to Face. Behind them, a man in a tweed jacket pontificates loudly to his date about the ideas of cultural theorist Marshall McLuhan and the failings of Fellini. When challenged by Woody, he proclaims himself to be an academic who teaches a course on media at Columbia University and who thus has plenty of valuable insights into such matters.

Woody responds by bringing Marshall McLuhan out from behind a pillar. “You know nothing of my work,” he tells the unfortunate academic. “How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing.” 

The scene is from Annie Hall and the cameo is the way that cameos used to be: brief and to the point. Whether it was Hitchcock walking a couple of terriers in The Birds or Richard Branson being frisked at an airport in Casino Royale, the point of the cameo was to provide a little, usually comic, diversion from the main narrative.

Recently though, this seems to have changed. In films like Being John Malkovich, JcVD and now Looking for Eric the cameo has become the narrative, with stars taking leading roles in films about themselves and using the opportunity to examine, unravel and poke fun at their own celebrity status.

In Looking for Eric, Steve Evets (seemingly the world’s first palindromic film actor) plays a depressed Mancunian postman called Eric. After a botched suicide attempt, and far too much weed, Eric starts to receive visits from his idol Eric Cantona. In a typically philosophical manner, the footballer sets about helping the postman to overcome the various problems in his life, which include trying to steer his teenage son away from a local gangster and having to face the woman who he walked out on twenty years before.       

Cantona’s performance is certainly broad, but he gets away with it: he is after all playing a figment of Eric’s imagination. Like John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich, he and director Ken Loach have obviously realised that a certain amount of self-parody is essential in such a set-up. “I am not a man. I am Cantona,” says the footballer at one point, just about managing to keep a straight face.

Of course, this being a Loach film, having a celebrity imaginary friend only gets Eric so far. In the end, as he recovers his self-esteem, it is by acting collectively with his friends and workmates that he solves his problems. Cantona is left to fade away, in the way that imaginary friends always do.

JcVD, in pensive mood.

In 2008’s JcVD, director Mabrouk El Mechri takes a slightly different approach, allowing an all-too-real Jean-Claude Van Damme, 47 and divorced, to get caught up in a botched post office heist. For the most part, the film plays as a comedy-thriller, showing us the kind of low-level adulation that Van Damme experiences in his native Belgium (“You’re much nicer on the screen” one woman tells him) and exploring the distance between action movies and real-life ‘action’ situations. In one scene though, ‘the fourth wall’ crumbles, and Van Damme delivers what feels like a heartfelt monologue on the realities of fame and wealth. He talks about growing up in poverty, going to Hollywood, drug addiction, women… The monologue is filmed in one take and Van Damme, never a natural actor, is often close to tears.

Less revealing perhaps are the cameos that film directors make in their own work. Hitchcock famously appears for a couple of seconds in each of his films – here carrying a tuba, there winding a clock – but these appearances hardly require him to act or tell us much about himself.

Martin Scorsese, on the other hand, picked one of the nastiest roles in Taxi Driver for himself, as the gun-toting fare who is about to murder his wife and her lover. Other American directors – Spike Lee, David Lynch, Quentin Tarantino – have chosen to play similarly unsympathetic or ridiculous characters in their films.

Of course, when directors give themselves acting roles, things can go very wrong indeed. Perhaps emboldened by his brief cameo as the nose-slicing hoodlum in Chinatown, Roman Polanski cast himself as the lead in 1976’s The Tenant, a would-be psychological thriller that is completely ruined by its star’s limited range. Even if he beats the child sex rap, Polanski should probably do some hard time for his performance here. 

Some things are, after all, best left to the professionals. 

Looking For Eric is out DVD and Blu-Ray in the UK on 12th October

High pants and awesome dance moves might get you outta tight spots in the sleazy back bars of South East Asia, and dropping into the splits might win you a night with a Thai lady-boy or two, but none of it is gunna mean didly-Damme when you’re faced with Vanya. You might be the Muscles from Brussels, Van Man, but Vanya is the Crusher from Russia, and you just made the Wrong bet!

Jean-Claude isn’t the only Van Damme. Here are some other awesome VD’s I found on the internets.

ERIC VAN DAMME
He is an egghead somewhere in the Netherlands, wherever that is. He is adept in the martial art of book throwing.

ART VAN DAMME
According to the internets, Art Van Damme was the hippest cat to swing an accordian. I bet he could knock out a whole gang of ninjas with that thing.

DIRK VAN DAMME
Wow, these Van Damme’s sure are intelligent. DVD has a PHD in environmental science. When he is not hitting the books, he sails the seven seas and rescues muchacha’s from Somalian pirates.

Hace algo así como mil años eché un vistazo a una vieja colección de VHS. Poco a poco, encerrados en cajas de cartón, las carátulas ochenteras cogieron capas de polvo lo suficientemente grandes como para que los de CSI encuentren tus huellas digitales. Algunas de esas películas me las compré cuando el mundo era más tranquilo, los dinosaurios gobernaban la tierra y la paga que recibía cada semana no era examinada por los ojos golosos del estado para apoderarse de una parte. Pero el tiempo no perdona, ni por esos VHS que hoy ya no puedo reproducir en ningún lado ni en los actores que participaron en ellos. Jean Claude Van Damme pronto cumplirá cincuenta años.

Recientemente Minos celebró el aniversario de una obra cumbre de la ciencia ficción y del cine moderno, Matrix, curiosamente con la que yo cerré la tercera parte de este especial que hace un repaso por varias carreras de los duros de Hollywood y lo que han dado de sí. Matrix, con su fotografía, su control de cada actor en esas escenas Bullet Time tan imitadas, su argumento y, sobre todo, su tratamiento de la acción, marcaron un antes y un después en esos actores musculosos ya un poco desfasados. De pronto ya no necesitabas ser fuerte para levantar a un hombre, o el poco atractivo que las nuevas generaciones femeninas veían por alguien como Sylvester Stallone hizo que un nuevo mercado se abriese paso, poniendo a jovencitos chulis y guapetones como hipotéticos héroes de un género que terminó por repudiar a sus padres fundadores, por llamarlos de alguna manera, y los relegó a la fila de atrás. El nuevo milenio, que arrancó con Arnold Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van Damme y Seagal inmersos en problemas con las drogas, el ego y unas carreras sin rumbo fijo, veían claro que el chollo se acababa, ya no vendían tanto como antes y sus nombres, que antaño les habían conseguido éxitos, eran ahora unas pesadas cargas que llevar sobre los hombros. Todos estos hombres reaccionaron de una forma diferente, y es por eso por lo que creé este especial, las tres entregas anteriores sirvieron para ponernos en situación, y ahora vamos a ver qué pasó con ellos.

En el año 2000, Arnold Schwarzenegger, al que le pido desde ya que se cambie el apellido por uno más corto y fácil de escribir, había empezado a plantearse su retirada del cine debido sobre todo a dos factores: una operación a corazón abierto, que obligó a suspender un inminente rodaje a las órdenes de Ridley Scott titulado ‘Soy Leyenda’ que más tarde sería adaptada para el típico héroe Sexy y limpio de la década, Will Smith, y su matrimonio con la sobrina de J.F Kennedy, uno de los presidentes más cinematográficos de la historia. Arnold representaba el sueño americano, llegar a lo más alto. Por eso no es de extrañar que empezase a interesarse por la política, y su siguiente película, el Sexto día, fuera más bien discreta y olvidable con el candente tema (en el año 2000) de la clonación y la incertidumbre de llegar un día a casa y descubrir que un clon nuestro está en la cocina tirándose conviviendo con nuestra mujer. Al igual que “Asesino Implacable”, remake de Stallone de una película de Michael Caine que cayó en el olvido. Quizá The Order, con Van Damme repartiendo toñas en Jerusalem tampoco era muy buena, por mucho que saliera aquel tipo de la ANR, Charlon Heston. Es más, aquí empezamos a ver a un Van Damme cansado y sin aguante, lo que repercute en sus escenas de acción. Quizá de este grupo la que mejor opinión se llevó fue Herida abierta, de Steven Seagal, con la que intentaba regresar a la Pole Position de los machos.

Yo os pido que os quedéis con esta última, porque gracias a ella (o por su culpa) alcanzamos un logro cinematográfico similar al paso del blanco y negro al color, el cine sonoro o las palomitas de maíz: La producción masiva de “Seagalmovies”.

En el año 2001, el mundo se vio sacudido por una trilogía cinematográfica acerca de un escocés de metro diez con los pies peludos y no se qué historia rocambolesca sobre llevar un anillo a un volcán custodiado por un faro maléfico. Fue un taquillazo y las quinceañeras hormonadas y poco exigentes se lanzaron a las calles gritando: ¡Edwaaard, Jacob!!! Digo… gritando el nombre de Orlando Bloom, el clásico ejemplo del héroe de esta década. No sólo quedaba bien en pantalla sino que además podía anunciar colonias, after shaves (recordemos que en Acorralado a Rambo lo afeitaban en seco), polos Lacoste… Sin embargo, en ese mismo año también ocurrieron los atentados terroristas del World Trade Center, y quizá sean imaginaciones mías, pero tal vez ‘Daño Colateral’ donde Chuarche perdía a toda su familia a manos de terroristas sin escrúpulos, no tuvo el mejor momento para estrenarse.

Así que, mientras su carrera artística se hundía más rápido que el Titanic, se acordó del tipo que le lanzó a la fama definitiva y que llevaba desaparecido desde 1997 escribiendo una historia sobre pitufos gigantes, así que le llamó y James Cameron le dijo que un tipo había ido a pedirle su bendición sobre Terminator 3. Se dice que hablaron sobre lo que el estudio planeaba hacer con la franquicia y que era tan rematadamente malo que Cameron le aconsejó que pidiese mucho. Y dicho y hecho, diez años y treinta millones de dólares después, Arnold Scwarzenegger, convertido en el actor mejor pagado de Hollywood empezó a entrenarse tratando de cambiar su aspecto actual por… bueno, mejor miradlo vosotros mismos.

Y tras ese intensivo entrenamiento nos llegó Terminator 3: la rebelión de las máquinas, refrito de escenas de las anteriores entregas de la saga, con un John Connor soso y un guión bastante malo. Aunque con el tiempo la gente la está empezando a mirar con otros ojos, lo cierto es que sobre todo le sirvió a Arnold para asegurarse la jubilación y retirarse del cine. Eso es, al igual que Chuck Norris, que llevaba tiempo perdido en trabajos de televisión dando patadas giratorias por una nómina bastante estrecha, estos dos monstruos abandonaron aquello que les hizo famosos para dedicarse a la política, y ese mismo año, mientras Stallone salía en la tercera entrega de esa gilipollez película familiar que es Spy Kids, Arnold Schwarzenneger era elegido Gobernador del estado de California.

Uy, perdón. Esa era de cuando no hacía campaña contra las drogas. Ésta es la que os quería poner.

Ahora quiero remitiros a la tercera entrega de Héroes de acción, donde os comentaba que en ‘Demoliton Man’ aseguraban que Schwarzenegger llegaría a ser presidente de los Estados Unidos. Por ley sólo los nacidos en EEUU pueden optar a la presidencia, por lo que insinuaban que debido a su gran reputación,esto se tuvo que cambiar. Quizá hubiera sido posible, pero el trabajo del austriaco (que ganó unas elecciones compitiendo contra bichos muy raros como legiones de frikis, actrices porno que promulgaban leyes estúpidas y demás) sufrió un gran revés. Su popularidad descendió en picado en el año 2005, obligándole a tomar una de las decisiones más difíciles de su vida.

El 13 de Diciembre de 2005, Arnold Schwarzenegger denegó la petición de clemencia de Stanley Williams, un pandillero que llevaba en el corredor de la muerte desde 1980, acusado de cuatro asesinatos, posteriormente rehabilitado y convertido en uno de los símbolos contra la violencia callejera y un candidato para el premio Nobel de la paz. Muchos piensan que, si en algún momento la carrera política de Schwarzenneger llegó al punto de no retorno, fue aquella noche. Su decisión abrió un debate intenso sobre la pena de muerte, (como siempre que sucede una ejecución) y al ex – actor empezó a conocérsele como “Gobernator”.

Mientras tanto, sus compañeros se concentraban en matar en una pantalla y no fuera de ella. Refiriéndonos a las “Seagalmovies”, os contaré que desde “Herida Abierta” hasta hoy, Septiembre de 2009, Steven Seagal ha protagonizado 25 películas de acción, casi todas (23 como poco) directamente en DVD, incluída una comedia que tengo pendiente titulada ‘El rompepollas’ (?). El maldito misterio es por qué un tipo inexpresivo como un ladrillo, con pocos medios, haciendo siempre lo mismo, con títulos que son geniales para jugar al Scrabble, (hay un juego que consiste en crear frases con ellos, como por ejemplo: Steven Seagal, un tipo “Duro de matar”, atrapado “en tierra peligrosa” tiene una “herida abierta” con la sociedad, de modo que irá “buscando justicia”, poniendo todos sus sentidos en “Alerta Máxima” tomando una “Decisión Crítica” mientras se adentra en “las entrañas de la bestia… etc, etc.) no son un fracaso. Siguen recaudando lo suficiente como para estirar la carrera de un hombre autocomplaciente y Zen, mejor músico de blues que actor, guitarrista desde los 10 años y tiene un grupo llamado ‘Steven Seagal and the Thunderbox’. Aquí os dejo un fragmento.

Y ahora, tras la que supongo es una de las experiencias más extrañas de vuestra vida, mirad la otra cara de la moneda. Si ya os comenté que cada vez que Van Damme entra por la puerta Seagal huye dejando atrás al correcaminos, imaginad lo que debe ser, para ambos, pelear por los mismos papeles. Es decir, las “seagalmovies” son guiones escritos en serie para que estos dos hombres se peleen por conseguirlos. Con sueldos bajos, lo justo para mantener a la familia y seguir adelante. Es divertido ver en un videoclub ese tremendo Photoshop que hace que Seagal no parezca una momia egipcia, pero detrás de eso hay una historia que uno de los dos nos contará dentro de unos años.

Pero ahora hemos llegado al año 2006. Y creo recordar que todo el tema este de la nostalgia vino a raíz de un anuncio. A alguien se le ocurrió la brillante idea de no tratar de vendernos el Renault Megane GT a aquellos que hace poco que podemos consumir alcohol legalmente, sino a los que ya pasan de los treinta, rebuscando en su época y tejiendo un velo  de recuerdos añejos y cachondeo. Empezaron con la canción de La historia interminable y salió aquel pianista que yo no conozco, Richard Clayderman.

Y después fueron más allá. Ver el siguiente video tocará la fibra sensible de algunos, porque les recordará a un mundo con Freddy Mercury, Verano azul y los problemas artríticos de los playmobil.

Aunque dudo mucho que los anteriores anuncios se hayan visto en todo el mundo, sí es cierto que campañas similares hicieron resurgir a grupos musicales de los setenta como los Jackson 5, que empezaban a pensar en reunirse si lograban convencer a su hermano más famoso. Mucha más gente sacó sus trajes de baile de los armarios y pensó no sólo en el suculento mercado que se abría ante ellos (bueno, vale, algunos sí) sino también en “terminar como hay que terminar”, “en ponerse en pie y decir ¡aquí estoy!” y, sobre todo, demostrar que aún tienen mucho que ofrecer. Y precisamente por eso, Sylvester Stallone se plantó frente a su mujer y le confesó que estaba pensando en hacer otra película más de aquello que le dio la fama, Rocky.

La respuesta de todos los miembros de su familia fue “No”. No querían que hiciera más el ridículo. No querían verle diciendo más frases heroicas en las pelis de Rambo, ¿No era mejor dejar las cosas como quedaron? Pasar página, aceptarlo. Pero él se negó y poco a poco, como quien no quiere la cosa, comenzó a entrenarse y a escribir la sexta, que se dice pronto, y última entrega de uno de los boxeadores más famosos del mundo.

Muchos se rieron del abuelete Stallone, no en vano cumplía sesenta años, y comenzaron a haber rumores acerca de si usaría dobles o que la famosa escena del entrenamiento estaría rescatada de anteriores películas. El resultado se estrenó en cines en el año 2006, tres décadas después que la primera entrega, bajo el nombre de Rocky Balboa.

La cinta en sí es una canción al pasado. Rocky es viudo, regenta un restaurante y se gana la vida a base de contar batallitas a los clientes. Las paredes de su local están plagadas de fotos de sus momentos de gloria y se pasa las horas perdidas rememorando precisamente eso, la época en la que estaba con su mujer y era grande. Un día en un programa de televisión se preguntan si un luchador antiguo como él podría vencer al actual campeón de los pesos pesados mediante una simulación por ordenador, algo que es bastante común en EEUU, y como es tradición, siempre gana el veterano.

El resto os lo podéis imaginar. Pero en esta ocasión no es Rocky luchando por ganar un título, ser el más fuerte, el más duro, machacar más animales muertos en la cámara frigorífica. Se trata de salir adelante, como siempre hace Stallone. No preocuparte por lo que piense la gente, o lo que te digan. Hacer lo que él quería (luchar en el ring, demostrar que no era “Balboasaurio” o acabar una saga destrozada por las secuelas) con la cabeza bien alta. Y vaya que si lo consiguió.

Mientras tanto, en Austria, concretamente en Graz, la ciudad natal de Arnold Schwarzenegger, decidieron retirar el nombre del actor de un polideportivo en protesta a sus actuaciones sobre la pena de muerte. Poco después el gobernador renunció al título de “Hijo predilecto de Graz” y fue reelegido en su cargo. En 2006 además salieron al mercado doméstico tres “Seagalmovies” y Jean Claude Van Damme, tras arañar uno de esos guiones para sí compuso un proyecto titulado “Desafío a la muerte” en la que no pegaba tantas patadas, sino que dio prioridad a algo desconocido incluso para sus propios fans: la actuación.

Así es, aunque hay tiros y persecuciones para no aburrir a la gente, Van Damme borda su interpretación de policía adicto a las drogas ayudado tal vez por sus experiencias personales con el tema, y aunque la película es buena, nadie, excepto los que se atrevieron a verla, se dio cuenta de ello.

Es el contrapunto a Stallone. En el que la misma ilusión, ganas y esfuerzo no desembocó en el éxito. El propio Van Damme estaba convencido de que volvería a ser una estrella, pero no fue así. ¿Qué falló, a quién le puede echar la culpa? Pues tiene donde elegir.

Primero: mientras que Stallone recurrió a su vieja gloria, y eso fue publicitado a bombo y platillo, su enésimo trabajo para DVD importó lo mismo que los demás.

Segundo: lo quiera él o no, pertenece al subgénero de las “seagalmovies” así que su campaña de promoción y aspecto exterior, no difieren nada de las de su amigo el samurái Zen.

Y tercero: Llamarse Jean Claude Van Damme. Voy a explicaros la teoría del Marketing, poner lo más famoso en grande para atraer a la gente. Quiero decir que cuando alguien publica un libro, el título del mismo sale en grande, y el nombre del autor, en pequeño. Así hasta que te haces famoso, como por ejemplo el tito Stephen King, cuyo apellido impreso en letras sanguinolentas ocupa en algunos casos el cincuenta por ciento de la portada. Ya no importa el libro sino el autor. Lo mismo ocurre con los actores, y ¿Por qué en Desafío a la muerte el nombre de Van Damme apenas se ve? Respuesta: porque ya no vende, ya no le hace ningún bien y, como se demostró, mucho mal. La gente no fue a verla precisamente porque era suya, y ya daba igual que fuera una obra maestra.

Si Van Damme quería recuperarse, tenía que hacer algo radical.

Y si hablamos de cosas radicales, nada mejor que el siguiente proyecto Stalloniano, meterse ahora con su “otro” personaje famoso. En una entrevista Stallone dijo que la generación actual estaba demasiado acostumbrada al CGI y a que con la excusa de las escenas de acción metieran un ordenador. (El espectador no es tonto y se nota mucho cuándo trabajan los píxeles, ¿O acaso os tengo que mencionar cierta pelea de los focos de Blade 2?) Así que decidió mostrar a ese público una película de acción a la antigua. Y sin cortarse un pelo. Si en su momento Rambo 3 figuró en el libro guinness de los records como la película más violenta, John Rambo estoy seguro de que destrozó esa marca. Se trata de una película bestial, que roza el gore en la justa medida para mostrarnos la crudeza de una guerra civil, con algunos momentos memorables como cuando evita que un soldado birmano se atragante…

O como cuando le da un analgésico para el dolor de cabeza a otro…

O soluciona los problemas de salud general de un tercero.

Pero lo importante es que con un presupuesto ínfimo (Poco más de treinta millones, Crepúsculo costó ¡35!) Stallone es capaz de exprimirlo al máximo e incluso, meternos una explosión que sin duda quedaría eclipsada por cómo un tipo se haría el desayuno en una peli de Michael Bay, pero que gracias al ritmo y al montaje del film, resultaba impresionante. Lo mejor no es apabullar, sino saber usar lo poco que tienes en algo bueno, y nuevamente, el potro italiano lo consigue.

Y ahora sí que sí. Hace un par de años salió una noticia que, a modo de curiosidad aseguraba que se preparaba un “biopic” sobre Jean Claude Van Damme, ese actor de segunda categoría venido a menos. La gracia residía en que, al parecer, el propio Van Damme se había interesado por el proyecto. Así que pronto salió un teaser en el que el actor se colaba en su propio casting y generó un poco de expectación. El resultado es una cinta titulada ‘JCVD’ que trata de los días crepusculares de una estrella, que sin dinero, tras perder la custodia de su hija y mostrarnos cómo pelea por esa serie de ‘Seagalmovies’, se ve inmerso en el atraco a un banco y todo el mundo piensa que él es el responsable. ¿Cuánto de cierto o real hay en esta tragicomedia, donde el propio Van Damme mira a la cámara y se confiesa, habla sobre sus problemas con las drogas y mujeres? No lo sé. Pero sí es cierto que es tan trágica, salpicada con elementos cómicos como asegurar que Steven Seagal puede quitarle trabajo sólo por cortase la coleta, que es digna de echarla una vistazo. Porque si una película de Van Damme se estrena en el Festival de Sitges y merece aplausos, es algo que no podemos dejar escapar.

Y para terminar, unos breves apuntes sobre lo que vendrá a continuación.

Todo lo que os he contado podría ser un buen punto final para unas carreras irrepetibles en un mundo digital y rápido que nada tiene que ver con los VHS, los macrovideoclubs y las sesiones de cine en televisión. Dado que cada post de este especial ha abarcado una década, hay mucho camino por delante para estos abuelos del género. ¿Y qué harán? Pues de momento Chuck Norris que ha estado “Desaparecido en combate” (no pienso hacer ningún chiste), usó su imagen hace poco en la campaña por la presidencia de los Estados Unidos para ayudar al candidato republicano salpicándolo de esos chistes que le han hecho famoso en Internet, anunció que quiere ser presidente de una Texas independiente y sacó un libro en el que critica la política de Obama, el aborto, la homosexualidad, y apoya la pena de Muerte. Arnold Schwarzenegger dejará de ser gobernador al final de esta legislatura, y vistos los resultados de algunos de sus compañeros, se plantea regresar al cine poco a poco. Lo primero que hizo fue ceder su imagen para que apareciera en Teminator Salvation, pensando que si tenía éxito, siempre podría salir en una quinta entrega. Y si la peli era una mierda, pues no era culpa suya.

Sylvester Stallone ha recibido un premio en la Mostra de Venecia por su contribución al cine, elevándole a la talla de Takeshi Kitano y está usando su reciente status de director taquillero para seguir adelante. Su próximo proyecto, The Expendables, parece una versión moderna de ‘Los siete samuráis’, en la que un grupo de mercenarios será enviado a un país Sudamericano a acabar con un dictador. Lo interesante no es sólo es estupendo estado físico de Stallone, (ya quisiera yo tener un abuelo así) sino su reparto plagado de glorias ochenteras y modernas: Jason Stathman, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, el propio Stallone y un cameo especial: Arnold Schwarzenegger, pensado para que, si The Expendables tiene éxito, el austríaco amplíe su presencia en una secuela. Los productores tienen planeado hacer dos versiones de la película, una apta para 13 años y otra igual de bruta y gore que John Rambo, y piensan estrenar la que mayor acogida tenga. Yo estoy rezando ya para que me traten como un adulto.

Y algo que a muchos les ha decepcionado es que ni Van Damme ni Seagal estén en The Expendables. Stallone habló con ellos, pero ambos se descolgaron por varias razones: Van Damme quería hacer algo distinto (está rodando Soldado Universal 3 para DVD y The Eagle Path, que también dirige) y Steven Seagal tuvo que irse porque le debe pasta al productor.

Durante unas semanas se habló de un proyecto titulado ‘Weapon’ que uniría por fin a Van Damme y Seagal, pero éste último, cuando se enteró, se apresuró a salir por patas, confirmando una vez más quién hubiera ganado en aquella pelea en casa de Stallone. La nueva oportunidad que tiene el samurái es ‘Machete’ basado en el tráiler de Grindhouse dirigido por Robert Rodríguez en la que compartirá planos con Robert De Niro. Sí, sí, ¡El padrino y una ‘seagalmovie’ juntos! Rodríguez asegura que lo que intentará es, al igual que Stallone y Tarantino recuperar actores en horas bajas. El tema de cómo es posible que De Niro haya descendido hasta ser necesario que alguien le recupere, es algo que dejaremos para más adelante.

De momento, hasta aquí ha llegado este especial. Leerlo puede haber hecho que algunos de vuestros familiares os hayan dado por desaparecidos, así que corred a llamarles por teléfono e indicarles que estáis bien. Si buscáis alguna moraleja o algo en todo lo que les ha ocurrido, quedaros simplemente con que no son tan planos como sus películas los representan, y dadles una oportunidad cuando echen alguna suya por la tele. Su trabajo les ha costado y por mucho han tenido que pasar. Y recordad que nunca podéis juzgar a nadie y decirles que no podrán hacer lo quieren, ni siquiera aunque tengan treinta años, fama de guionistas fracasados y una profunda parálisis facial.

Pulsa aquí para leer la primera, segunda y tercera parte de este especial.

IP ANÓNIMA

Are you ready? Yesterday many readers will have felt that their soul had been dirtied by my review of the guilt pleasure classic Forces of Nature.  Well today i am going to go one worst than that and review a Jean Claude Van Damme film.  Admittedly I am reviewing his only socially acceptable film JCVD but I still feel a little dirty in doing so.  Before i begin i would like to clarify a couple of things.  Firstly, even though this film is acceptable, it in no way exhonerates Mr Van Damme for his crimes to cinema. In fact he deserves a whole wing in Guantanamo Bay where he can be tortured repeatedly for 30 years for what he has done.  Secondly, one good film does not = a good actor.  Those who believed that his performance was oscar worthy (such as Time Magazine) are severely exaggerating how good a performance this was.  When compared to his other work the film is like watching Usain Bolt instead of Rick Waller in the 100 meters.  However, one good performance rarely equals an Oscar and certainly does not mean your a great actor. With those points clarified we shall begin.

JCVD follows Mr Van Damme, a washed up out of work former star returning to his home Brussels.  After being adored by every person he meets, Van Damme goes to the post office to temporarily solve his financial problems.  While in the post office he finds himself caught up in a hostage situation.  The police believe he is a conspirator; in fact he is actually working to help save the hostages.

The description makes the film sound like a watered down typical piece of Van Damme rubbish.  However the film is very different from anything he has made before.  The film has all the qualities of a high value European art film.  The production values are very high (a rarity in Van Damme’s career).  When the film is in French it does not look as though they are speaking some highly developed alien language where your mouth moves and then words come out 20 seconds later.  The characters actually have a depth and are not just superficial dolls repeating lines when a string with cash at the end is pulled.

Rightfully the plaudits have focus on Mr Van Damme. He adds depth to a character you would never have believed he could do.  Inevitably the character is a reflection of himself.  You can’t help but believe that he is heavily drawing on the lows of his own career and the frustration and emotion associated with that.  You also get the indications that his mental health problems allowed him to flesh out the confusion exhibited periodically.  There is little to fault with his performance.  It is delightfully different, exciting exhilarating but a little surreal.  There is a real sense that he is searching for legitimacy and respect.  Understandable emotions to feel.  But the film does descend into moments where you sense this is purely to exhibit the actor he could have been rather than the character he is in the film.

Director Mabrouk El Mechri is the man who deserves greater adulation than the film’s star.  His expert direction is what makes Van Damme look as good as he does.  The cinematography is exquisite giving a film a real and yet strangely modern feel.  Excellent directorial touches such as the way the film cuts into the story from different angles adds something different and innovative.  Possibly his finest achievement is the fact that he makes you believe that this is perfectly real.  You leave the cinema questioning which Hollywood actor could become embroiled in a similar drama because of the choices they have made in the career.

Overall this is delightful film and is one of the most unusual films you are likely to see on DVD.  Van Damme is good but he is playing himself at his worst.  He is not creating a character.  He is the character. Director Mabrouk El Mechri is a huge talent.  His career deserves to fly after this.  My only word of warning is be prepared for the odd moment of show boating.  The film is about and stars a man whose career has been horrible.  This is his redemption and he certainly makes sure you know it.

Overall – 7/10 Slick

“In an action film you act in the action. If it’s a dramatic film you act in the drama.” – Jean-Claude Van Damme

This picture is from Hard Target, my favourite Van Damme movie. It takes a great actor to be able to sport such a styling mullet while beating the crapola out of a snake.

Let’s see that again!!!

my favorite part (3:14):

he just wants to eat…

It’s Van-Damme Friday! Every Friday I will celebrate the many achievements of my film hero, Jean-Claude Van Damme.

To kick things off, here is a video of Van Damme taking out his first ever victim in ‘Black Eagle’.

Hello everyone Jourdan here posting some old blog post of my favorite films of 08 that I did on my Myspace. I am putting this up to give you an idea of what you can expect from me if you are not familiar already. You can find all my previous reviews their http://www.myspace.com/jourdanwitau .

Best of 08 and Beyond

So here it is again I have compiled all the movies and listed my favorite films of 2008. Sorry for the length of how many films on my list. I was going to make a top ten and a honorable mention but decided that if I where to put these films in that category then they must have fit my criteria. All of these movies, I found entertaining for various reason. These films could be entertaining on a pop corn way or technical way or both. All of these movies I think should be seen and I think represent 2008. Even though my list is 25 strong there are still a few movies that I have not seen yet that might have made the list: Grand Torino, Frost/Nixon, the Wrestler, Revolutionary Road, the Reader, Synecdoche, New York, Doubt, and Milk. Out of all of those I really want to see The Wrestler. Enough of this let me get to the list but after this.

A Bittersweet Life

This shouldn’t make it on the list because it came out in 2005 I think. This is a Korean revenge movie that is really great. That is all you need to know going into this movie and that Ji-Woon Kim directed it. I have seen three of his movies and they are all pretty good and I fully believe that I will watch anything he makes from now one blindly. That’s how good I think he is. I think he brings depth and cool hip artistry to all of his movies. For those of you who have seen the great Old Boy film I would say that this movie is its fraternal twin brother. You should try to seek this one out if that sound likes your cup of tea.

And now on to the real list…

25. The Orphanage

The only reason this isn’t higher on my list is because it came out at the end of 07 and I watched on DVD not in the theater. It is a really great ghost story that is genuinely creepy. Oh yea this is a Spanish film so you’re gonna have to read.

24. Step Brothers

Straight up stupid. I think Will Farrell and John C Reilly are perfecting there retarded man child with each film they do like this. I have to say that I prefer there other movies compared to this but it is really funny and at least stands next to the all their films really well. Also this is another Judd Apatow linked movies, which is comedy gold that’s deep-fried in liquid gold. This movie is tied with Forgetting Sarah Marshall…

23. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Even though these two movies Sarah Marshall and step Brothers are different types of comedy the both have in common the Apatow effect. Now this movie is closer in tone to Apatows directed comedies like knocked up. I also have to say that this movie has one of the best break-up scene I have seen.

22. Cloverfield

I almost forgot that this film came out in 08. The sad thing about this movie is that you have to come in this movie expecting what it is to really appreciate it. I know a lot of people where on the tip that it should be more like Godzilla. That is totally wrong way to go into this movie. It is a story of group of people and what would they do and go through if Godzilla was real. Being civilians they wouldn’t be really up close fight this monster. I think it was well directed and elevated the sub genre of found footage. It also has a killer score that only plays during the credits but it is a great homage to Godzilla.

21. Zack and Miri Make a Porno….

Now this film may not be on other people’s lists but if you are a Kevin Smith fan you will really like this film. It shows the growth with Kevin smith while still being foul as always. I also think he nails relationships pretty well in this film even though it is in the situation of making a porno. This may not be as funny as Step Brothers but this is more complete film with a full-fledged growth arc

20. Slumdog Millionaire

Now don’t get me wrong this is a really good movie. Is it worth all the good praise yes. Is it worth that much praise of that its one of the best film of 08 no. Yea it is on my list but not my top ten. You should see this and director Danny Boyle continually amazes me on his versatility (he did trainspotting, 28days later, millions, sunshine. You should check those out if you haven’t seen them yet and you will know what I am talking about). There is a part in this movie that is gross and funny as hell that you should see.

19. Valkyrie….

For anyone doubting Bryan Singer who directed Superman Returns should watch this movie (oh by the way I still think Superman Returns is a good film that is a great opening to a really great action while deep sequel). This is a really fascinating film about a true story. Even with know what happens with this story Bryan Singer creates true tension and thrills.

18. The Strangers

This isn’t the best film but it definitely one of the scarier ones I saw. That is the main reason it is on this list because it was scary which is what a horror movie should do. I can totally see some one being freaked out after this movie.

17. The Good the Bad the Weird.

This is the second Ji-Woon movie that I saw this year that was really great change to the western genre. This movie is not being released for American distribution for couple of months from now but it was shown in 08. Now this may not be for the casual moviegoer but if you love movies like I do and you like western will like this film. This movie if you cant tell is a play on the classic Clint Eastwood Sergio Leon Spaghetti Western the good The Bad and the ugly. This movie totally pays respect to that film by being a good film

16. Wanted

The first comic book adaptation on my list. I think this film goes really well with the first matrix. I think this would be the matrix little brother. The action is over the top and comes really close to crossing the line but never did for me. I have skimmed through the graphic novel and found that it is pretty different. Oh for the ladies there is a shot of a buffed out James McAvoy and for the fellas their Angelina Jolie. On a last note about this film I have to say that Morgan Freeman can give Samuel Jackson a run for his money on who can say Mother Fucker better.

15. Rambo

Once again another film that I almost forgot came out in 08. In short this film is done like an 80’s movie that is done now. The action is over the top gory and the story is as serious can be and loved the shit out of this movie. This movie had me waiting for Sylvester Stallone’s next film, which happens to be the expendables that is about mercenary hired to take out a dictator which. It will star Jason Statham Jet Li Dolph Lundren Mickey Rourke. Tell me that aint some 80’s action gold for you.

14. Speed Racer

Just like Cloverfield I think you can only enjoy this film knowing that this is a live action anime. If you cant go into this movie with that in mind I think you maybe at lose because it is a really good film for what it is. It is a really vibrant movie and might hurt your eyes but if you can take it you in for a first live action anime ever done and maybe never will be done ever again (because it flopped the shit up at the box office)

13. Kung Fu Panda

What Kill Bill did, Kung Fu Panda did for family/cartoon films. The animation and action are really great (it is worth getting in blu ray by the way). It is a pretty simple movie that took me by surprise in how they really tried to respect kung Fu movie in general which made it that much better as a film. Oh for your information this movie is not done by Pixar too which is great.

12. Let the right one in

A subtitled Swedish vampire movie about two kids that fall for each other. It is eerie and quirky at the same time. It has a dark humor and thrilling element to it. Honestly this is one of the best vampire film that I have seen in awhile. It is a weird film that you should seek out.

11. Tropic Thunder

If the all stars aligned Robert Downey Jr would get awards for his part in this movie. If you are watching this movie you are watch Robert Downey Jr, it is totally his film. I have watched this movie about 8 times and everything from him still makes me laugh. Oh if you have this movie on DVD or blu ray you should check out the commentary by the cast because Robert Downey Jr does the commentary in character, which is pretty funny too.

10. Hulk

The second comic book movie on my list. The one thing about this film that besides getting the hulk better then most have is the end fight scene. It is what a super hero fight scene should be like no question about it. This is also a great companion film to Iron man and is a great set up for the future avengers movie that I hope will get made

9. Hellboy 2 the Curse of the Golden Army

If you like pulp things then you will like hell boy. Nazi to fairy tale creatures it’s everything that a geek like me. It also has Seth McFarlane doing one of the characters voice (if you don’t know he is the family guy guy). I know that I want to see where Hellboy 3 will go if they ever make it. Guillermo Del Toro is the man and if you haven’t seen Pan’s or hellboy the first one you should check it out. I have total confidence in him on doing the Hobbit.

8. Wall-E

What can I say like Apatow and his crew Pixar is animation gold deep-fried in liquid gold. They just get better technically with there animation every time out and they always tell a great story with great characters. The sound design was by the same guy who did R2-D2 so you know it gangsta awesome. This is also a must to have in Blu Ray.

7. Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

What makes this film is seeing this character go through life. If you find that watching some one life unfold is boring this is not for you. Because that is the hook the selling point. It is not the idea of a person physically growing younger. Yea that gives the character a different out look but its Benjamin growth as a person that was the hook for me. The special effects are really great in this film and I think they should win for that at least when awards are given out.

6. Pineapple Express

Like Robert Downey Jr I think James Franco should get nominated at least for his role as a pothead drug dealer. It is one of the funniest movies I have seen this year because they got how potheads are. Its just funny seeing how a pothead would act in danger. I didn’t mention this in Zack and Miri but Craig Robinson is damn funny in her as he is in that movie too. Oh yea this another Apatow comedy Gold fried in liquid gold.

5. The Fall

Visual poetry and pure imagination. I honestly think the little girl from this film should be noticed for her performance because it was so natural and spot on. Her acting was not acting it was actually the character on the screen if that even makes any sense. For those of you who don’t know this film it’s by the same guy who did the Cell with JLO. Now that you have an idea of how artistic this movie can be, the cell doesn’t even come close to the fall. It is about a man that is injured and he befriends a little girl and tells her story to get close to her. Once he has here trust he tries to have her help him commit suicide. The story that is told to the girl is being shown through the eyes of the little girl. I honestly think this movie was totally overlooked. Really great film.

4. JCVD

Out of all the movies that came out this year this one surprised me the most. I already had read good things about this film so I was came in the movie with some pretty high expectation. I came out of the film with my experiences that exceeded my expectations. I have to say Jean Claude Van Damme is really good in this movie. He is what makes this movie and the indie director feel to it also helps.

3. Burn After Reading

Out side of the main comedy movies that came out this year this was a stand out for me. This is a Coen Brothers and I didn’t anything less from them. This movie had me laughing on just how absurd it was. You should come in this movie with just the trailer as knowledge and know that it is a movie by the Coens and that it’s going to be in the same vein as there previous comedy.

2. Iron Man

There where three movies going into 08 that I couldn’t wait to see. That was The Dark Knight, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Krystal Skulls and Iron Man. Thankfully this movie and dark knight came through in spades. I pretty sure if you are reading this you have already seen this movie so there nothing much to say about it beside that it full filled everything you want from a fun summer blockbuster. I hope with the next installment that they up the fighting between Iron Man and whom ever he is fighting against. I also got to say that this was Robert Downey’s year. I think he had a year like Johnny Depp when he did the first Pirates movie and Once upon a time in Mexico or even better.

1. The Dark Knight

Now all of these movie can be switched around depending on my mood except this one. This one cannot because it hits all the right notes and give the best any chance it gets. This may not be a surprise but, I don’t think anyone can say that it is not worth anything that has gotten. If you are of the few people that have not seen it you should go see it now and if you want to be cheap come over my house and you can watch it in blu ray cuz I will watch that any time. If you watch movie because of good acting or good directing or for some good action or some good story telling or for a good film score or for good dialog or want something deeper out of a movie then you should watch the Dark Knight. It has everything and does it at a high level that make it a great film. This may not win every award but this film sure does deserves the nomination in multiple categories and deserves awards of if they do win for best director best film and best supporting actor.

There you have it my guide 2008. It took me a couple of weeks to get this together.

Now if you are not tired of reading the BS that I am writing, here is the list of films I am looking forward to

Avatar

James Cameron back at doing sci-fi(he did the first two terminators, abyss, Aliens and that damn Titanic movie) I can say that I am anticipating it. The word on this is that it is supposed to be the next step in movie going and make it worth it to everyone to go to your local theater instead of watching a bootleg or streaming on a website or waiting for DVD. That is because it’s supposed to be the next step in 3D.

Star Trek

JJ Abrams who made my all time favorite show LOST is directing this one. The guy that plays Sylar is playing Spock and he is a dead ringer for him. By the trailers it looks like it is promising something very epic that we have never seen with Star Trek.

Watchman

Read the graphic Novel it really is that good. It looks like this might be a faithful adaptation.

inglorious basterds

Yes that is spelled right. Quentin Tarantino doing aWW2 flick with Brad Pitt. What else can you ask for. This movie has been rumored even before Kill Bill So fans of his have been waiting for this one and who doesn’t like a war flick.

Public Enemy

Johnny Depp playing John Dillinger. If you don’t know I think Johnny Depp is the shit and I wish he played regular roles more often like this one. That is not saying his Tim Burton character are not good. Oh yea Christian Bale is the lead FBI agent after him. This is done by Mr. blow shit up him self Michael Bay I think this will be closer to Heat Then Transformers.

Coraline

The guy that did A Nightmare Before Christmas Henry Selick and the comic book writer Neil Gaiman that did Sandman and Stardust. I think this is a great pairing.

Monsters vs. Aliens

Just on the fact it super geeky concept.

Up!

Animated gold fried in liquid gold from Pixar. There is nothing else to say why I wanna see this.

Brothers Bloom

If you like film and or the noir then you should check out director Rian Johnson first film. Based on that film I want to see it. It also helps that its got a rock solid cast with Mark Ruffalo Adrien Brody, and Rachel Weisz.

Terminator Salvation

Now this is the scary one of the year in which I will be sad if it doesn’t deliver. It has nothing to do with James Cameron and is directed by McG who did those Charlie’s Angles movies. This is supposed to deliver on that human vs. robots war that was shown in T2. John Connor is being played by one of my favorite actors Christian Bale so that also elevated my anticipation of this movie. It also comes out on my birthday May 22 and I hope it doesn’t disappoint like Indiana Jones did by not being as good as the previous movies.

Harry Potter and the Half-blood prince

I really like this series and it always leaves me anticipating the next film. The last one fulfilled what I wanted to see in a wizard battle. I must admit that when the first film came out I thought it was stupid. Now I really like this series. I still wont read the books though.

Funny People

Comedy gold fried in liquid gold Judd Apatow is directing this one. This is where I would say NUFF said but it does star Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen.

Shutter Island

Martin Scorsese and Leonardo Dicaprio and this is where I put NUFF Said.

Where the Wild Things are

One of my fav director Spike Jonze (adaptation) doing one of the most well known children’s book. I have seen some of the pics of the monster and look pretty damn cool. I have to say that the concept of Where the Wild Things are is pretty damn Geeky.

The Fantastic Mr. Fox

I have never read the Roald Dahl’s The Fantastic Mr. Fox so I am only anticipating this because of Wes Anderson (Royal Tenenbaums, Life Aquatic) and that it is his first animated film.

Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey sword fighting boxing and solving crimes as Sherlock Holmes and Jud Law as a bad ass looking Dr Watson, I am sold. This is supposed to have more action and thrilling elements then previous Sherlock’s. For those of you who think that is dumb in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle books he is a expert Stick Fighter and bar knuckle boxer. Guy Ritchie(snatch, lock stock and two smoking barrels) directing and hoping he can do more then sleek crime films.

Year One

Jack Black and Michael Cera in 1 A.D. and directed by Harold Ramis the guy that played Egon in Ghostbusters and wrote a whole bunch of funny movies.

The Box

Richard Kelly who did Donny Darko does a film based on a twilight zone episode about a box that a gives you what you want but also kills someone at the same time. Perfect pairing.

Ninja Assassin

Ninja’s and the guy that directed V for Vendetta and produced by the matrix boys and written by comic book by J. Michael Staczynski. Oh did I say it’s about Ninjas and who doesn’t like ninjas.

Transformers 2:Revenge of the Fallen.

Bigger then the first one.

Wolverine: Origins

Huge Jackman is a perfect wolverine and director Gavin Hood first film Tsotsi was gritty and was pretty good. The movie has Gambit, Blob, and Deadpool who is played by Ryan VanWilder Reynolds. The trailer just didn’t sell me yet but you know what I will still see this movie.

Black Dynamite

Just checkout the red band trailer and tell me you don’t wanna see this. If you don’t sorry for making you watch that trailer but that shit was funny to me.

and there you have it I done and tired!