1.15 – 3.30 pm: Lunch at Eleven Madison Park with Keith and Ben; it’s my second time here in a month, and I’m excited to eat.  We decide to do the three-course prix fixe for $42.00.  After an amuse bouche of gougères, sashimi and cucumber panna cotta, I order the chicken velouté with veal sweetbreads and black truffles, the linguine with Alaskan king crab and Meyer lemon, and the bone marrow crusted beef tenderloin with saffron onions and braised shallots (for $15.00 extra).  Try bites of Ben’s scallop with celery, more Meyer lemon and black truffles, as well as the poached pear and the savoy cabbage that accompanies his boudin blanc — though neither of us can remember what it is until Ben texts me afterwards.  Also sample Keith’s slow-poached egg with Parmigiano-Reggiano and mushrooms, his ricotta gnocchi with artichokes and bacon, and his suckling pig confit.  Ben tries to get me to eat some of his salad of heirloom beets with chèvre frais, rye crumbs and edible flowers but I’ve had this dish before so instead I order a non-alcoholic cocktail called “Up the Alley” that is so good I promptly get a second.  We’re too full for dessert but we make room for the two plates of macarons we are given anyway; Ben and I share a caramel-popcorn and a rosemary-pistachio, but after that I eat my own sesame and chocolate-quince.

4.45 – 5.30 pm: Cinnamon-spiced apple cider at the Grey Dog.

7.10 pm: Bowl of pilaf standing up in the kitchen while my parents eat dinner and watch Jeopardy!

7.59 pm: Handful of dried mangoes, which my dad has always fed to the dog, who stares unblinkingly at me — and indignantly huffing — until I share.

Here’s the answer I promised you:

Yes, that’s right.  According to Arabian legend, the Cat is the offspring of a monkey and a lioness.

It makes sense.

I guess.

Doesn’t it?

I thought I’d mention that if you’re playing a trivia game you should know that the question often gives you a clue to the answer.  In that last question you’d have to think of an animal that would naturally be in Arabia, of course.

Sometimes it’s a statistical question, “How many out of ten. . . ?”  In Trivial Pursuit, it’s almost always one, zero, or ten. 

In one game version, every tennis question had the answer “Maria Navratillova” or “Andre Agassi”.  I didn’t really know anything about those two people, but I knew if it sounds like tennis, is is a boy or a girl?  There’s a good likelihood I can guess the answer.

Sometimes it’s the vocabulary that gives it away.  We had a question that asked about a simian movie.  Simian. . .I know that word. . .simian. . .what does that mean?. . .Oh yeah, ape-like!  Um . . . King Kong. 

No, it was Planet of the Apes.  But at least I had a guess.

If you watch Jeopardy, they bury hints in the clues all the time.  Alex Trebek will say, the best way to prepare for Jeopardy is to watch Jeopardy.  Because there’s a language to these games.

Oookay. . .enough analyzing my trivial strategies.

I told you I was a nerd.

Today, in our 7th grade Pre-Confirmation class, parents were invited to come to class for orientation of the upcoming year and review of the last 9 classes.  We opened with a review of “incarnation” and the “Angelus” for an opening prayer.  Then I reviewed the different prayer types with B.A.P.T.i.S.M..  Then we played Jeopardy!

“Angelus” Prayer
(The Angel of the Lord)

[Lead:]  The Angel of the Lord declared unto Mary,
[ALL:]  And she conceived of the Holy Spirit.
HAIL MARY, full of grace …

[Lead:]  Behold the handmaid of the Lord,
[ALL:]  Be it done unto me according to Thy word.
HAIL MARY, full of grace …

[Lead:]  And the Word was made flesh,   [bow during]
[ALL:]  And dwelt among us.
HAIL MARY, full of grace …

[Lead:]  Pray for us, O holy Mother of God,
[ALL:]  That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.

[Lead:]  Let us pray.
[ALL:]  Pour forth, we beseech Thee, O Lord,
Thy grace into our hearts;  that we,
to whom the incarnation of Christ, Thy Son,
was made known by the message of an angel,
may by His Passion and Cross
be brought to the glory of His Resurrection,
through the same Christ Our Lord.
AMEN.

Types of prayers … B.A.P.T.i.S.M.

• BLESSING – invoke God’s power for a person, place or activity
• ADORATION – the “created” before the Creator
• PRAISE – glory God (for who He is)
• THANKSGIVING – gratitude (for what He does)
• i ASK for ME (petition) + OTHERS (intercession)
• SORRY – ask of forgiveness
• MEDITATION – tuning into God, reflection (through quiet prayer, Sacred Scripture, lectio divina, liturgy of the hours, Rosary, holy icons, imagery, books of daily devotion, lives of saints, works of spirituality, etc.)

The MASS includes ALL these types of prayer

We played Classroom Jeopardy! with teams of parents & kids.  With almost perfect attendance, only 5 kids came without parents and everyone seemed to have a great time playing.  Most categories were facts we’ve covered in class like “Jewish Roots,” “Gotta Have Faith,” “Facebook Jesus,” “Catholic Pop Quiz,” “Catholic Prayers,” “Angels & Demons,” and “A.R.R.R. You Listening?” Then there was the more entertaining categories like “Chronicles of Narnia,” “Anything Goes,” and the favorite “Candy Bars.” A great time for all.  I can’t wait to bring the parents back soon!

Old flame:

I just recently found out that an old girl friend of mine was actually a contestant – and winner – on the popular game show, Jeopardy!  I’m feeling the mixed emotions of pride, jealousy and bemusement.  I’ve always said that I’m only truly attracted to intelligent girls/women, so there’s the pride angle.  I’ve always wanted to be on Jeopardy, myself!  I know I’d give that twerp, Ken Jennings, a run for his $$$!  (Jealousy)  And, if you only knew what my buddies nick-named this poor girl, after she had left her purse at a restaurant, you’d really see my source of bemusement.  She actually adopted the four initials of the nick-name, as a humorous and self-deprecating sign-off, for a while.  She certainly was NO dummy.  LDDF, I think of you from time to time, kid.

Stupid Cathy!:

Against my better judgment, I always read the comic strip “Cathy”, by Cathy Guisewite.  I find it to be THE most annoying comic strip of ALL time, but I can’t help but read it.  Maybe it’s the simple drawings, or maybe I just like to read it and get angry – I don’t know.  Even my kids would refer to it as Stupid Cathy, because that’s how I would read it to them, when they were little.  She’s kind of like the Howard Stern of the comics page.  She takes one joke, usually a small and often unfunny joke, and just runs it into the friggin’ ground!  I’m celebrating because she just recently got off of a 3 week jag on women’s boots!  I can’t imagine even the most shoe obsessed female finding this amusing after the first week or so.  Thankfully, she’s moved on to a Thanksgiving/cooking theme.  So far, it’s not funny either, but I continue to read it!

Interesting quote:

Yesterday’s Thought for Today, in the newspaper was:  “Education is a private matter between the person and the world of knowledge and experience, and has little to do with school or college.“   — Lillian Smith Think of it.  Some of the brightest and most successful people in the world did not attend college, and some were even high school drop-outs.  Now, I would never encourage anybody NOT to get as good an education as possible/practical, but we need to get over this glorification – and perverse fascination – of an education pedigree.  Some of the most narrow-minded and boring dolts have some kind of letters following their names, while some of the most interesting people could be fixing your plumbing, installing your cable . . . or raising chickens.

That’s all for today, kids!

YUR

Live-blogging is a fascinating concept. You sit down at a computer, and you blog about an activity as it happens. I’ve toyed with the idea of live-blogging. There are some events that I would live-blog the crap out of. There are the hilarious events that I would live-blog the crap out of, like hot yoga, or post-hernia surgery constipation. There are other serious events that I would love to live-blog the crap out of in a more philosophical way, like a surf session in big waves at Ocean Beach, or a barefoot run at night wearing a headlamp.

However, the truth is, that by calling live-blogging a fascinating concept, I really mean that it is pretty dumb. Live-blogging is a running commentary on a specific event…and as a historian, I say you always go for the primary source (the event itself) over a running commentary. Live-blogging tends to be thoughtful in sporadic bursts, but is otherwise relatively lame and lacking insight. Why? Because the event hasn’t been fully completed, it’s still going on, and so the author has not yet taken the time to think through all of the various elements to synthesize. And live-tweeting…don’t get me started. As soon as someone goes to a conference and starts live-tweeting it, I temporarily (sometimes permanently) unfollow while wishing that the person hates the conference.

So to prove my point, I have live-blogged my evening on the couch. Because let’s be honest, in order to live-blog, you need to be sitting somewhere with your laptop up and running for a long period of time (see these “cool guys” above)….usually in the audience of some speaker, or else on your couch watching a TV broadcast that apparently is so important that you need to live-blog it. (In fact, I got this idea after seeing someone update on twitter various live-blogs that were live-blogging the Oprah/Sarah Palin interview. How fascinating! And by fascinating, I once again mean pretty dumb.)

Now of course, my live-blog is the exception to the rule. It’s fascinating, and you know what I actually mean. So delve in and enjoy my night with me as I live-blog the crap out of my night on the couch.

5:35pm arrive on couch with Chinese food. Devour it. My fortune: “Don’t be discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.”
5:55pm Augustus is waking up and wants to play. He seems to be inclined to chew his nasty rope on our couch and cover it with his slobber.
6pm Feed the fat bastard. (Augustus.) (The other fat bastard just ate Chinese food.)
6:09pm I’m off to pick up my wife from yoga. It was raining so I drove her, rather than have her take the scooter. I’ve also decided that I need to start running commentary of my thoughts more, and not just my actions. I’m looking forward to tonight: The Office mini-marathon on TBS, just like every Tuesday.
6:58pm Back on the couch, and Jeopardy! is just about to start. The middle contestant is hilarious, Rob with a green jacket on. I love this show, mostly because I typically tear it up.
7:03pm Green jacket Rob listed his job as a custodial supervisor. I’m starting to launch a theory that he is in character…the glasses, moustache, and suit just all seem too perfectly goofy, and so a character may be a fresh new way to be on Jeopardy! I should also add that I’m working on a bad-ass idea for Daraja whil watching Jeopardy! (God I love ending a sentence with Jeopardy! so that I can excessively use exclamation marks!!!)
7:20pm Green jacket Rob seems to be down and out. He is in third going into final Jeopardy! and has less than half the cash that the leader has. It looks like we won’t get to learn more about Rob in future rounds of Jeopardy!
7:53pm I have gotten immersed in Mashable’s HOW TO: Set up a Facebook Fan Page, which I’m working on for Daraja. I think there is good potential to actually make our fan page more functional, and also to spend this time on the couch a bit productively tonight by doing just that.
8pm It’s go-time for the TBS Office Mini-Marathon. Hell to the yeah.
8:02pm My wife moved onto the couch next to me. Augustus, who had been sleeping on the other couch, in his incredibly adorable way, jumped down from his empty couch, slowly sauntered across the room, and then jumped up into my wife’s lap. He is in a cuddly move, and we both love it.
8:09pm I love “The Office.” I’ll be honest: I at first kind of semi-boycotted the American Office. I had religiously watched the British Office on DVD, and when I heard that the American Office was coming out, I was not that thrilled…especially when the first few episodes were more or less exact replicas of the British Office. However, I have lately changed my views. In thinking about this quite a bit–the British Office truly was incredible, but the show was almost exclusively about David Brent, the boss character. Yes, there was the love between Tim and Dawn, and Gareth Keenan was pretty hilarious, but the supporting roles were very much supporting roles. I don’t think we ever learned the names of more than half toe employees of Wernan Hogg, or whatever the company was named. Meanwhile, David Brent was a caricature. Hilarious, but a bit one-dimensional. In the American Office a) all the employees get their part, and have pretty complex characters, and as a result b) you love and hate all of them. Of course I love Pam and Jim the most, I mean who doesn’t, but Michael Scott is likeable just as much as he is despicable, and so on and so forth. And so in conclusion: I actually think that after giving this much thought, I like the American Office more than the British Office.
8:17pm There’s the TV commercial with Payton Manning and Justin Timberlake sitting on the panel of experts who approve the TV. First off: who gives a crap if they approve it? Second: who is the third panelist? I keep waiting for a new commercial to come out that reveals the identity to be a different celebrity.
8:56pm 2 episodes down: Jim and Pam are re-united after her time in NYC, I’ve added youtube videos and our blog to the Daraja fan page, and Augustus is snoring quite enthusiastically.
8:58pm I just made a huge mistake by going to vimeo.com’s support page. They have pictures of their Help Center employees, and now I want to vomit directly onto the faces of Dalas Verdugo and Andreas Allen.
9:01pm Why does Michael Scott hate Toby so much?
9:14pm Dwight is fricking hilarious. Too bad Rainn Wilson on Twitter is actually not that funny at all, and is in fact more annoying than funny.
9:25pm Once again, I love Jim and Pam.
9:26pm My wife is totally asleep. I am not sure how long she has been asleep, but she’s totally out.
9:31pm I’m going back and bolding all of the times from this entry. After that, I will switch to HTML view and get rid of the spaces between entries.
9:39pm I just noticed that my wife is snoozing with her face resting on her left hand, and my dog is snoozing resting his face on his left paw. HOW. CUTE. IS. THAT.
10:02pm I just wrote the introduction to this blog entry, and I’m starting to fade. Starting the fifth episode of The Office, holy crap my Tuesday nights are exciting. I also just remembered that Twitter shuts down in an hour, so I want to wrap this up before then so I can post this up there.

How much of a nerd am I becoming???

I was on Facebook about five minutes ago when my friend posted to me a trick about how to get magic circles appearing every time you left click on Facebook… it was pretty awesome. Whatevs.

ANYWAYS, I failed at Jeopardy tonight, it was tragic. Normally I am all over that Professor Plums, and getting everything right… oh, and that was a reference to Clue – but tonight… it was FAIL. F-A-I-L. Kind of like my result on my History quiz… 3/10. No big deal guys. Pretty sure that it’s not my fault that I had to miss almost all the presentations during history class today. Oh right, it wasn’t my fault. I was held against my will doing MATH. The most horrid subject matter on the planet. Sorry Math people, but it had to be said.

Basically, I have to get my Math average up to about 85% before I can even think about History ever again. But little do they know… I still have the textbook! HAH, YOU CANNOT FOOL ME, Mr. _____!!! (Due to privacy and courtesy, I can’t say the teacher’s name.) GRRR, and the only way to do well in math is to do lots of practice. So I did 2.5 hours yesterday and about 45 minutes today. We are off to a good start, yes?

OH – and Elmo was on Jeopardy today, it made me SOOOO happy. I love that guy, he is always so cheerful. In fact, I am going to put a little link to something on Youtube about Elmo… because I love him in an entirely appropriate way. YEP.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSYadh2xmcI

I honestly don’t think there is a cuter TV character than Elmo… he is just DA BOMB.

Found 11/16/09

Found yesterday in the basement of my building, while attempting to procure a Sprite (and getting mildly distracted by Jeopardy!):

• Two pennies beneath the snacks vending machine
• One leftover nickel, still in the snacks vending machine
• A single, silver sequin outside of the lounge

A work metaphor,
for the banking industry?
Cover your assets!

from March 17, 2008

Now the thing to remember is that I was very tired.

It was pretty empty at the Laundromat today. I usually go there on Wednesday but I had a huge amount of towels to wash and it couldn’t wait. In fact, I was using four medium machines, and two of them were just towels, but that’s not relevant. (And while were not being relevant, what is ring spun cotton? I know I can just look it up on line but I don’t want to. I bought a package of underwear the other day. I won’t go into detail about my underwear [you can give me a private call if you want to get kinky that way, what the heck?] and it was “now made with ring spun cotton.” Not that it mattered either way. I usually buy either Hanes or Fruit of the Loom, whichever the store has. If the store has both its a toss up. Anyway, whatever this “ring spinning” does, it does make a nice soft pair of underwear.)

So this was Monday and most people come in on Wednesday for the discount (1/2 PRICE! Medium loaders! Until 3:00 ONLY! EARLY BIRD SPECIAL!) but since I don’t get there until around about four it doesn’t matter to me. Except that on Wednesdays the crowd that came in “early bird” are still there hogging the dryers when I get in. C’mon people- who needs one dryer for one sheet and another dryer for your socks? Put them all in one, you selfish bastards! I need to dry my ring spun underwear!

So like I said I was tired. I woke at up a 4:07 a.m. (I looked at he clock) from a strange dream. I dreamed that I was working at LHS until late at night and had to sleep on a cot. I also dreamed that I had an office of my own and a couple of other teachers were working late and had to sleep on cots too. Anyway, when I woke up I never did get back to sleep and sort of drifted in and out until I got out of bed at 6:31 (I looked at the clock) and that was that.

I was at the Laundromat earlier than usual too, so that meant that I’d be long gone by the time Jeopardy! came on, and that may have been a good thing since I may have come within a hair of being popped by a guy dressed all in red last time it came on. (No, by the way, by “guy dressed all in red” I don’t mean Satan. At least he didn’t seem to be Satan. He looked kind of stupid actually, but he did have a Yankee cap and that is probably what Satan would wear so who knows?)

I was sitting there watching the dryers spin and a strange pair of women walked in front of me. They were anywhere from 36 to 180 years old. You know what I mean, the kind of women who lived hard lives (drunks) and every second of it showed on their faces. Badly dyed hair, too much makeup, and absolutely covered in bad tattoos. Ugh. They were wearing t-shirts from some tattoo artist so maybe they were examples of his work. Or maybe they were the artists. Either way there was no way I would risk getting hep B from a dirty needle to look like that when I’m old and used up.

Now bear in mind that I was tired and also that I had been reading a Nero Wolfe story this morning and that may explain why I, for some unfathomable reason, I came off like Archie Goodwin here. (Don’t read Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe? You are missing out, pilgrim. [Pilgrim? What am I, John Wayne?]) (And I really am tired if I’m doing the brackets/parenthesis thing. And now the slash thing too. Sheesh and ugh, am I drawing out a simple story here.)

Well, I’m sitting there In my nylon Mets windbreaker. Remember Peter DeLuise from 21 Jump Street? After a couple of seasons he was too old to play a high school kid so they gave him a windbreaker and a whistle and presto! He was a gym teacher. Anyway, I was rocking the Doug Penhall look.

Back to wherever it was I was going before I got so easily derailed. Remember I said I was tried? Well, I still am.

So I’m there and one of these tattooed Methuselahs gimps over to me and asks me what I think of tattoos.  So, here’s what I said. It just came out of my mouth and I am not sure what I meant by it:

“You mean on me or you?”

Was I being insulting? Was I trying a line? Was I going to make conversation? I have no clue. I know I half-smiled when I said it, and I was just as confused as you when it came out, so your guess is as good as mine as to what was going on in my head.

She said. “We can talk about me later honey. I have all kinds of piercings  too.”

I said “Huh, uh, uh huh.”

She: “You want a tattoo?”

Me: “No.”

She: “Maybe a (and she said something that sounded like “shlegmire” here.) right on your arm” and them she traced an outline on my bicep. The shriveled thing touched me!

I said no thanks and got up and walked away. OK, I jogged. (I was wearing a windbreaker after all, so I should at least pretend to be athletic.) I spent the next almost 10 minutes sitting in my car until the dryer was done, then I got my clothes and my huge load of towels and wheeled them across the store and folded them about as far as I could get from the tattooed circus freaks.

Morale of the story? I don’t know. Point of the story? Nope, don’t know either.

But I have strange luck at the Laundromat

——————————————————————————————–

BONUS!.

OUT-OF-CONTEXT QUOTE OF THE WEEK!

This is an exact quote, said today, taken out of context:

“YOU made him gay, I made him a pedophile!”

For the Biology I students, here’s a list of what to study for your evolution test:

• All quizzes – Absolute and Relative Dating; Origin of Life on Earth; Museum Quiz/Ocean Hall Assignment; Evolution by Natural Selection; Evidence of Evolution; Taxonomy/Cladistics.
• All lab/activities: Candium Lab; the Miller-Urey Web lab; the yogurt lab; the Ocean Hall Assignment; the Butterfly lab; the dichotomous key activity; the cladogram activity; the primate web quest; the Becoming Human viewing guide; the origins of bipedalism handout.
• Practice test/review sheet – Find it here: http://www.explorebiology.com/documents/LE/EOYReview6Evolution2007.pdf
• All assigned reading/notes
  • History of Life on Earth
  • Origin of Life on Earth
  • Evolution by Natural Selection – 393-403
  • Evidence for Evolution – 393-403
  • Taxonomy/Cladistics
  • Primates (substitute the webquest for the reading)
  • Human origins (substitute the viewing guide for the reading)
• Links:
  • Miller-Urey Web lab
  • Primate webquest
  • Ocean Hall
  • How does evolution work? video
  • Camouflage video
  • TED Conference video
  • Becoming Human documentary

• Test Review Jeopardy: testreviewjeopardyevolution

whats a Hoe?.

Here’s proof that life sometimes winds around in bizarre directions that one never expected.

The game show fanatics in the room will recall that back in 2005, Jeopardy! mounted its Ultimate Tournament of Champions — or, as I like to refer to it, the Quest for Ken Jennings. 145 of us former Jeopardy! stalwarts were invited to participate in a mega-round-robin that played out over half a television season, for an opportunity to win major cash and reclaim a smidgen of (for some of us, anyway) long-faded glory. Brad Rutter, who had won a previous Jeopardy! super-tourney called Million Dollar Masters, plowed through the field, ultimately besting Mr. Jennings (no relation) and Jerome Vered in the finals to claim the two-million-dollar grand prize.

Shortly after the UTOC concluded, a group of Jeopardy! veterans from around the Bay Area — including your Uncle Swan — got together to play an evening of pub trivia at a Berkeley watering hole. We dubbed ourselves the Ruttersnipes, in Brad’s honor. Jon Carroll, the San Francisco Chronicle’s human interest columnist, tagged along to document the event.

Now, four years later, I’m hosting a weekly game for the same quiz company.

I landed the gig via a serendipitous confluence of circumstances. As many of you know, a few months ago my wife KJ involuntarily retired from work on medical disability. Almost simultaneously, our daughter KM finished junior college and continued her studies at a state university. With our income shrinking and our expenses rising, I had my eyes open for opportunities to generate some additional revenue.

At the same time, Brainstormer, a San Francisco-based pub quiz company that runs trivia nights in taverns and restaurants around the country, was looking for someone to host the Tuesday night game at an establishment a mere stone’s throw from my house. (Assuming, of course, that you’re throwing your stones with a rocket launcher. A howitzer, at the very least.)

As Cinderella once said… put it all together and what have you got? Bibbidi bobbidi boo.

So, if you happen to be cruising through Sonoma County on a Tuesday evening, and experience a hankering to challenge your mental faculties (and perhaps nosh on a few freshly crafted tacos for a mere one dollar each), stop by The Cantina in downtown Santa Rosa around 8 p.m. We’ve got music, we’ve got laughter, we’ve got mind-bending trivia. Best of all, there’s no cover charge.

If the sleek, dashingly handsome quiz host looks familiar… I’m probably home with the creeping crud that night.

But if there’s a nerdy, middle-aged fat guy running the game, that’s me.

I had an interesting discussion with one of my housemates today regarding appropriate property maintenance in the fall. Both of us are from the Northeast: me from the Mid-Atlantic region and the housemate in question from the New England territories. Therefore, both of us have basically the same reference points for most seasonal shifts. Summer becomes ungodly and the days are occassionally broken up by a late day fantastical thunderstorm. Winter is best experienced while drinking instant hot chocolate and staring out at the aftermath of a blizzard. Spring is a necessary transitional season between winter and summer: generally soggy and the only reason people care about it at all is that they are conditioned to like the thought of germanation and new growth (although it would be logical rather that this happens throughout the late fall and winter and only in spring does one see the final stage of such processes… lies taught to you in elementary school… lies).  Which brings me to autumn.

The season of Columbus Day, Halloween, Election Day, and Thanksgiving. The season in which pumpkins, turkeys, apples and assorted cider-based potent potables are consumed (most ridiculous Jeopardy category ever). The season in which students go back to school, tire of school, and cut school altogether. And the season when the natural world decides to take a psychedelic trip. Greenery is replaced by an explosion of oranges, reds, yellows, and browns. And while in mid-October, this is a breathtaking panoramic sight, in mid-Novemeber it becomes thr source of back-breaking labor, and a contast cycle of it at that.

Here was the discussion: should we pay the sub-par gardener that we did not hire and have no say in terminating his employment (hooray not reading rental agreements before signing them… fml) to do the fall cleanup, or should we simply rake ourselves. My position: I don’t rake. I don’t care who does it, but I will not be doing it. This does not (only) emerge from a sense of entitlement. Rather, it springs from the fact that I work for a living so to afford certain luxuries. Owning overpriced remastered Criterion Collection DVDs is one of them. Not having to buy non-gym clothes at Target is another one. And not having to deal with my own lawncare is certainly another one after that. So I am more than willing to pay someone (trained professional or otherwise) to rake, mow, seed, reseed, and whatever else is required for making sure that the life cycle of the lawn and plantlife that surrounds it continues to thrive. My housemate/s has/have different thoughts on the matter.

Their shared position is to declare shenanigans on the arrangement and decide to rake the lawn themselves. Fine. Have fun. Go to. I’m not going to stop them. Why? Because I don’t care. My only position is (to repeat): I don’t rake. But I don’t particularly care who does. As long as I can arrive at the house and not feel that I’m Colin Farrell stomping through the New World in search of whatever, I’m happy.

So the agreement with the landlord was as follows: we (understood as some occupant of the house that is not me) would rake and clear brush in a George W. Bush-esque manner, and the gardener would come to mow when called upon and needed. A simple plan. A fair plan. And yet there is one small conditional that needs to happen for this plan to be enacted: someone has to actually rake the damn leaves! It’s not enough to declare that you refuse to pay someone. That’s fine. But then you best be out there with your ergonomically correct lawn care implement heaving and hoing and getting that ish done. What is completel unacceptable is to simly come up with a series of excuses for why you have not raked yet in an effort to get out raking at all.

Unacceptable excuses:

1) It’s too cold (It’s Novemeber. And…?)

2) More leaves will fall tomorrow. I’ll rake then  (Right, and you’ll also be hungry again tomorrow. Are you fasting now?)

3) I don’t see why we should have to rake at all (Because you do. You unfortunately chose to live in a house surrounded by deciduous trees and grass. It’s a lethal combination. So deal)

4) I’ll find someone else to do (Ok. And you’re going to do that… when exactly? Because that equally requires some element of effort)

5) I don’t want to (See explanation #3)

6) Well, I’m busy (Wrong card to play)

All have been uttered at different pionts throughout the past four weeks. All have been met with my statement of “It’s not my problem. I don’t rake. I’ll pay the guy. You don’t want to pay the guy? You deal with it.” Which is then met with glaring, pouting, stomping of feet, and general ridiculousness.

So I am left waiting to see how all of this will ultimately play out. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will rake? Who will get paid? Will the lessons of the great shovel debate of winter 08/09 or the not so great recycling standoff of October 09 be learned, or will the dog need to have its face rubbed in its own urine again? Tune in next time for… oh never mind. I don’t care. And why don’t I care? Because as far as I’m concerned, I know what I’m doing about this. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And why is that, you may ask. It’s simple: I don’t rake.

Since Thursday morning, I’ve been sufferring from some viral ailment. Started off with the harbinger of doom: The Sore Throat. . . Here, in this global climate of flu pandemic paranoia, I give you the stages of the “Viral Ailment”!

Stage 1 – Denial!

Like any good American, at the onset of the grippy sore throat, I denied any trace of illness.

“What’s that? A sore throat you say?”

“Neigh! Neigh! ‘Tis a hairball!”

" 'Altering the Deal' for 1200, please?"

Stage 2 – Paranoia!

(Written in Second Person, but you fuckers know it’s me.)

You start to question if you got it from that kid who ran into class a couple of days ago to proclaim his forthcoming leave of absence in light of being successfully diagnosed with pneumonia.

You start avoiding the bird seed patch that you usually step on; in case there are any remnants of the Avian Influenza strain that started its process of infecting you a couple of weeks ago – Wait! It’s the fucking pork steak I had a couple of days ago!

I start Googling that shit. . . No, it’s not transferrable through cooked pork – but, ah! ‘Tis good to be on the watch for mutating viral ailments.

Maybe it’s that fucker who rubbed the remnants of his oatmeal breakfast on the bus “Stop” button that you had to press.

Gah! So many possibilites! So few diseases!

I actually start to narrow down the diseases via the Dr. House method. It’s either H1N1 from the pork (always chances!), the regular Influenza, the Avian Influenza, Pneumonia, or the Common Cold!

Google -> Wikipedia Treatment -> Viral Diseases

All the symptoms are fucking identical!

Stage 3: “Eye of the Tiger” Phase

Play on Survivah!!!

You start coughing, feel cold enough to think you’re having a fever, but nothing shows up on your thermometer. You’re tough as nails. You got a 90 in Ms. Mathias’s class. You’re going to pull this shit off!
The shortest of stages: I present to you the “Eye of the Tiger” Phase!
Clad with a 200mg big pack of Flu Tylenol, Advil, Shitty Cough Syrup and Vicodin for kicks -

Unrelated Painkiller Pile

You start going “YEAH! Imma Salt Water that shit!”

Imma let you finish! Imma let you finish! But the Spanish Flu was the best flu of all time mothafuckaz! *Pops ‘em painkillers good.*

Stage 4: Defeat.

You’re fucking defeated you miserable shit. Bus yourself to the doctor with a runny nose, and everyone giving you awkward looks. You pat your cell-phone holder threateningly – Scary old lady who sits opposite you on the Public Bus mistakes this for a sexual advance. On any other day, you’d tear her pussy up. But you want Tamiflu, and prescription painkillers strong enough to put an elephant to sleep. Your bones ache. You feel this impending doom at laying off your homework till the last minute – Ah! You get off the bus. Phat doctor gives you a face-mask that doesn’t fit you, you start drawing threatening looks from parents with vulnerable, sweet vulnerable little babies. It might be the flu, but there’s no fever. Wait till Monday, and then get Tamiflu – The Flu’s New wonder drug that unfortunately doesn’t do much than dent H1N1.

It’s Saturday night, you’re supposed to be out chilling at a friend’s place, he calls, you tell him that you’re at funeral. Then you cough the alveoli out your lungs. Nobody must know! I need my four hour shifts and I can’t afford to cut school!

Homework piles up, nothing tastes or feels good anymore – not even Johnny Cash. You sleep like a passed out drunkard, you wake up and you’re not the shit anymore. You iz a sad, undiagnosed kitty with no zeal for life.

You’re pretty sure atheism is the way to go by now, and you search for random funny videos all day long on youtube until you feel good enough to do homework.

Dear Mr. Toilet, I withdraw my post as “The Shit” until further notice.

- Regards,

Viral Victim

5.  Figure It Out (Nickelodeon – off air)

—Ahh, Nickelodeon.  The old Nickelodeon, none of this “new-era animation” that makes clay animation look like a godsend.  The two personalities who stick out most in my mind are host Summer Sanders, and mainstay contestant Lori Beth Denberg.  Oh Lori Beth…I think I speak for any kid who grew up in the mid to late 90’s that we miss you.  Maybe “All That” could re-enter the world of television as well (not to mention eveyone’s favorite fast food restaurant movie “Good Burger”).  The great thing about “Figure It Out” was not only the fantastic prizes offered (mountain bikes, stereo systems, SPACE CAMP), but the always anticipated slimings.  Green goo poring from the ceiling onto some unsuspecting guest?  Doesn’t get much better than that.

4.  Jeopardy (CBS/GSN – on air)

—What kind of trivia list would be complete without the legendary Jeopardy?  Thankfully the good people at GSN provide multiple doses of Trebek each day; my preference is the 1:00AM showing where I can’t quite yell at the screen, but still get upset when Wolf Blitzer confidently answers that Jesus’s birthplace was Jersusalem.  C’mon Wolfy, I know it’s for charity, but you can do better than that.  The mysterious appearing and vanishing of Trebek’s mustache is another highlight that always intrigues me.  No-mustache brings me back to the younger days, while mustache-Trebek screams “Hooked On Phonics.”  And who could forget the Jeopardy God himself, Ken Jennings?  Please respect his authority:

3.  Supermarket Sweep (PAX – off air)

—Groceries, food trivia,  and old people racing through aisles to load up on today’s specials and looking for the all-mighty “bonuses”.  Three of my favorite things.  Someone needs to get in contact with PAX or UPN or some other seconds rate station and remind them of all the great things the Sweep offers.  Three teams of pairs, generally husband and wife, face off to answer questions regarding the products located in the store.  The Sweep also wins the award for Most Entertaining Finale, as it offers up some of the most hectic shopping in less than two minutes.  Never have I seen three full-grown adults scuffle and shove to see how many honey baked hams they can fit in their carts (maximum of 5) until this.  Extra points awarded for the teams that can get the ground coffee beans, candy, and bagels/donuts.  All part of the pursuit to find a wad of $5,000 sitting behind the Planter’s Cashews.  Well done.  Plus (bonus knowledge), the shoddy excuse for a gameshow “Show Til You Drop” was generally aired after Supermarket Sweep.  I don’t want to get all worked up over how such a terrible concept of a show can hold my attention for so long, so I won’t.

2.  Cash Cab (Discovery Channel – on air)

—Ben Bailey: my favorite TV personality.  Incredibly intelligent and funny show, I find myself rooting for the group of four old women on their way to a matinee and against the pompous pricks that seem to be way to good to play along with the game.  Cash Cab is a true trivia show, in that there is no category per say, so the question genre is always mixed up.  Bailey never ceases to amuse me with his array of accents and cultures he fronts to the contestants as they enter the cab.  He can do anything from a whiny old guy to the infamous Brooklyn accent.  Then of course, after the passangers’ destination is requested, off go the plaid lights.  Some people freak out, some know what’s going on (“OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS SHOW!”), and some just look irritated.  Regardless, this show is a 10/10 for watching with interesting contestants.  The good ones will always name 5 of the 7 Wonders of the World in 30 seconds, and will also go for the video bonus question at the end.  You know what?  All of the above information is irrelevant.  This gameshow is happening in a moving vehicle.  I think that’s enough said.

1.  Stump the Schwab (ESPN – off the air)

—Being a huge sports buff, Stump the Schwab takes the cake.  You know those guys that answer every question they hear on the TV or radio…or anywhere else, that has to do with sports?  The Afflack Trivia question is “What was the record of the 1922-1923 New York Yankees?”, and they will jump off the coach to scream “101 wins and 61 losses!”  Yeah, everyone knows at least one of those guys.  Anyway, this show consists of three of them per show.  Not to mention “The Schwab” who is an absolute guru.  Seriously, there can’t, just CAN’T, be anyone else on this planet that knows more random sports trivia than this guy.  Stuart Scott hosts, who will never run out of original ways to say to the exiting contestant “You’re not as good as you thought, get off my show.”  I love watching The Schwab put these guys in their place.  The lucky contestant that manages his way to the final round rarely out-knowledges The Schwab, who is quick to shake the losers hand.  Which reminds me, this guy has to have the largest selection of pro jerseys known to man.  Everything from the Polomalu jersey to Brett Hull, he has them all.  Excellent gameshow; hugs and handpounds, everyone.

FOX News is the good guy as I understand it? The rest are slanted to the left, is that right? Talk radio is the only fair place for real news, is that how it is? These are things I hear over and over from self-respecting conservatives. Yet I hear these same people talking about this and that on the very channels they are condemning. How funny “Two And A Half Men” is. How good the movie was the other night. How bad Anderson Cooper was last night. WTF?

Where I live you have to get cable if you want the internet. I don’t have fast internet. Why you ask? Glad you did. I don’t like the left leaning liberal media. I don’t like that they got Chairman Zero elected. I don’t like that they are dumbing down America. I don’t like that they are erroding our morality. Therefore I don’t support them. For now I have basic cable for the internet but I am working to get more than three channels with the broadcast TV and I am always searching for an alternative to cable internet. I have even looked into becoming my own Internet Service Provider (ISP). Not cheap. Also not simple.

Yes, I pay for BASIC cable. Just for the internet. I watch two and a half hours of TV a week. Jeopardy, that’s it. And I don’t always watch that. You can’t pay me to watch that damn celebrity tournament. I don’t want to call it hypocracy but what is it when you complain about something and then turn right around and shell out hard earned money to support it?

I’m not here to call names or start any movements. What I am trying to do is shine a light on a problem that exists. As long as you keep pumping money to these jackals they think they are giving you what you want. That’s it, it’s just that simple to these people. If the money stops coming in the BS will quit going out. In these tough times when you are looking for someplace to save a few dollars a month you might look at cutting back to basic cable. See if that don’t send a message?

 What happens when someone ruffles Trebek’s feathers: “you.. jokester, you.” I wonder what he would have called him if it had been adult Jeopardy. Also, I wonder how many times a day he hears “suck it Trebek” from passing cars.

source

Yesterday’s optimism still lives somewhere in the recesses of my brain. I have the wrong mix of ingredients today. Started a new workout routine, washed my hair (showers make me tired!), and I’m trying to type on my laptop IN BED. Haha, surefire recipe for disaster. Anyhow, it has been a good day overall. Got a little bit of knitting in as well. I’ve started watching Jeopardy, you can learn so much! I was pretty good today with the teen tournament that was on. It seems today I tried to put off writing by doing other chores and busying myself with things I wouldn’t normally do. Isn’t it great how the words can flow so easily here but not in my novel? ARGH!

Ok tomorrow will be better. Maybe I will try writing some at lunchtime. Wouldn’t it be useful now to have device on which I could continue my story without carrying around a laptop? The joys of writing. And no one is going to see this! People keep asking me to read my chapters and see the finished product. My mind screams no! The only way I’m even getting through (ha after 2 days!) is to be comforted by the fact that my useless attempt at fiction will be read by no one.

My my, time flies. Till tomorrow. XO.

Do you know why there will never be Republican Jeopardy? It isn’t because the may not have the IQ to provide questions to the answers. The problem is every answer is “tax cut” and they never know which question that answer applies to.

Moderator: the answer is tax cuts.
Moderator: Yes, Grover Norquist.
Grover Norquist: what to do when the economy has slow growth?
Moderator: that is not the answer we are looking for this time. Moderator: Yes, Newt Gingrich.
Newt Gingrich: what is the best way to share sacrifice during a war? Moderator: also not the answer we were looking for.
Moderator: Yes, Samuel…I mean Joe the Plumber
Joe the Plubmer: what I need to have the tax lien removed from my house?
Moderator: No, that is not the answer we are looking for, but if you
happen to win you might be able to pay off that lien.
Moderator: Yes, Sarah Palin.
Sarah Palin: what will make me able to see Russia from my house?
Moderator: not the answer. How the heck would you be able to see Russia from your house because of a tax cut?

-Josh

Damn Wolfie! DAYUM!

Wolf Blitzer is really terrible at this whole Jeopardy thing! -4,600 is probably the lowest score in the history of Jeopardy and it had to be made by you, a dude with a masters in some political thing at some very good college. Damn Wolf! You might get fired from that job where you’re supposed to ask hard hitting questions addressed to our political leaders. DAMN. SERIOUSLY, DAYYYYYUM.