Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson’s attraction lies in his “naughty boy” ability to beat the rap.  He says outrageous things and gets away with them. He offends almost as many as he entertains, and roars right on unfazed.

On the surface, Clarkson has everything women desire: He’s a powerful celebrity, he’s outrageously wealthy, and he has a cool ride.

In fact, the only thing Jezza doesn’t have going for him is that he’s no longer single. Happily married to his manager since 1993, he now lives in the Cotswolds with his wife, Frances Catherine Cain, and their three children, Emily, Finlo and Katya.

Men We Secretly Adore

While his fashion sense and chauvinistic comments are often cited as making him unpopular with women, in a 2008 poll of 5,000 female members of an online dating website, Clarkson came third in a poll of MISAs – Men I Secretly Adore, behind Jonathan Ross and Phillip Schofield.

Characteristically, Clarkson was upset not to have come top. Clarkson has often recognised and celebrated the fact that car fanatics can be found in both sexes.

In response to the reactions he gets, Clarkson has generally and consistently dismissed his importance, stating “I enjoy this back and forth, it makes the world go round but it is just opinion” and “I don’t have any influence over what people do, I really don’t. It makes no difference what I say. Top Gear is just fluff. It’s just entertainment – people don’t listen to me.”

Comments Don’t Hurt Car Sales

On the opinion that his views are influential enough to topple car companies, he has argued that he has proof that he has had no influence. “When I said that the Ford Orion was the worst car ever it went on to become a best-selling car.”  His concerted attacks have similarly done no harm to the likes of the Toyota Corolla.

On his chat show, Clarkson, he caused upset to the Welsh by placing a 3D plastic map of Wales into a microwave oven and switching it on. He later defended this by saying, “I put Wales in there because Scotland wouldn’t fit.”

On punching Piers Morgan, the editor of Daily Mirror: “Every woman asked me WHYI hit him, and every man WHERE I hit him.”

Some of Clarkson’s more robust opinions:

The Renault Espace:”probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.’”

The Suzuki Wagon: should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”

Clarkson’s highway code on cyclists: “Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong.”

Bus lanes: “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

Small cars: “We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging. I want to drive in a Terminator, not am EM Forster novel.”

The Lotus Elise: “This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory.”

The Porsche Cayenne: “Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”

On Cars: A car can be a tool but it can also be so much more. It can be a heart-starter, it can be a drug, it can be a piece of art and it can stir your soul

After reading a very moving story from Palin’s book, then the vitrolic comments on the same, I came across Jeremy Clarkson’s column.

When it comes to sweeping generalisations, I am the daddy. All Germans have no sense of humour, all instruction manuals are pointless, all cruise ships are ghastly, every single American is fat, all golfers are boring and all Peugeots are driven by people you wouldn’t have round for dinner.

Of course, I’m well aware that most generalisations are nonsense. I know several very funny Germans, and Obama Barrack is actually quite skinny. But without generalisations, anecdotes would take two years, points would never get made, comedy would suffer and everyone would sound like James May: “Actually, 42.7% of instruction manuals are quite useful; but first let me quantify ‘useful’ . . .”

Life would be a terribly dreary assault course if every fact had to be precise, but, that said, generalisations have no place in serious scientific research, which is why I was a bit startled to read last week that a government adviser from the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners said lesbians made better parents than what we can no longer call “normal couples”.

…I have done some checking on this, and the only evidence I can find comes from research endorsed by the national academy itself. The study examined children raised by just 27 single mothers, 20 lesbian couples and 36, er, differently genital-ed parents and concluded that those raised by women grew up with a better psychological wellbeing.

You can’t possibly draw any conclusions after testing 20 lesbians. Test 20 Italians and you could well end up concluding the whole nation was full of calm, incorruptible dullards with no interest in sex. Test temperatures over just 20 years and you’d end up concluding the world’s climate was changing.

Not too many people would write stuff like that these days, but Clarkson just might get away with it.

In this week’s episode of Top Gear, the boys built their own car, a guest drove round the track and they performed a test of an Audi and a Chevrolet.

First off, the guest. I had no idea who this guy was, but apparently he is in some Twilight movie that is quite popular. His name is Michael Sheen, and really, that’s all I know about him. Other than he was in Frost/Nixon and does a good impersonation of Tony Blair, he is also very quick around the track. Even though he didn’t seem to be taking the correct line or driving very smooth, he somehow managed to eek out a lap that was very impressively fast. I believe that the whole lap was won in the second to last corner, where he entered at an unbelievable pace that I have never before seen. Maybe more stars should use that tactic.

In the car test, Clarkson had an Audi R8 V10 on track. He said it was amazingly quick, and it should be. The thing has a Lamborghini V10 in the back that pumps out 520 hp, but it also costs about $150,000. And it doesn’t even look that much different from the V8, except for the little V10 badge on the arches and those horrible looking wheels. Really, those wheels are horrendous and I’m surprised they were approved. Overall, the car sounds good, looks good and goes really fast; but not as fast as the Chevy Corvette ZR1. Though these two cars may not seem like direct competitors, they are actually closer than you might think. For one thing, the Vette has a supercharged V8 that pumps out a ridiculous 638 hp and 604 ft lbs of torque. This means that it is faster than the Audi through the quarter mile and has a higher top speed. It is also surprisingly faster around a track, though you really do have to work at it to make it fast. Also, the Corvette costs only $107,000, and that is a bargain for the performance that you get. However, the Audi is, of course, put together better, will last longer, is faster in the real world, looks better and isn’t made of plastic. Plus, Corvettes have some of the worst seats in the business for being a sports car. Hell, my Subaru has sportier seats that that thing. In the end, the Vette blitzed the Audi around the track, even though it was damp as well. I can’t imagine how fast that thing would be if it had actually been dry.

In the third segment, the boys took a look at building their own electric car and posed the question, “How hard can it be?” turns out, it’s really hard. With Hammond on the chassis, May on the motors and Clarkson (the useless sod) on the body, their work all came together to create Geoff. It turned out to be a big box with a TVR chassis and two batteries for power. The top speed of Geoff was a paltry 10 mph and, as everyone should have seen coming, the boys got into trouble when they clogged up streets, caused slow downs on motorways and eventually left the car alone where it rolled down a hill and into a tree. But that wasn’t the end of the car. They came back in the second half of the segment and remade Geoff as the Thrust Eagle Hammerheadi… or something like that. Anyway, the basic car was exactly the same, with a new bumper and more batteries. They then took the car to the UK proving grounds and put it through its paces. They smashed it into a wall, put it in the side impact machine and performed a drag race with it against tough competition. The car, amazingly, passed all of the tests with flying colors and was given to the auto reviewers at Autocar so that they could test it. Turns out that it actually sucks.

Next week it sounds like they will be making rally cars or something and be figuring out which car company has made the greatest number of brilliant cars. Also, flying caravans; so stay tuned.

Chew's been in trap three again ...

While the rest of the world is grabbing the space race firmly by the horns, UK PLC has cheekily stolen a huge leap forward. Our redneck pals from the U S of A have to no great surprise chosen a high profile approach. They’ve fired a bloody big rocket at it to smash bits of it off to see if it has frozen water, no doubt Dr. Jeremy Clarkson was their technical advisor, and this from the country that previously brought you the Manhatten Project. Well predictably the Brits have taken a more laid back less gungho approach, our previous best efforts being a machine that goes to Mars and does cock all, and Atomic Kitten. For the first time in our history we have got the lead in the number of our citizens that have become astronauts, and frankly we’re likely to stay that way for some considerable time. Even more surprising is that they are not all suntanned demi-gods from Top-Gun test pilot school in Miramar, with perfect teeth, but have come from Bristol.
Bristol, “The city where they don’t bury their dead, they prop them up in bus shelters”. Taking the easyJet low cost approach to our scientific endeavours, our thousands of astronauts have been plucked from obscurity, or more accurately a municipal landfil site, to be packed into an aloominum choob and launched into outer space. A bit like Friday’s EZY6051 then.

The worms have been carefully selected for the mission and will be exposed to conditions in space for four days. No details of the selection process have been released yet, its not clear if it was a written application process, Name, Brian Worm. DOB, Dunno I’ll ask the other end see if he/she knows, Occupation, Worm, Qualifications, Pink and Wiggly, AC/DC. At the very least they’re partially qualified for cabin crew. Or alternatively a talent show, where they have to perform in front of three industry experts and a vet to assess their ‘worming’ skills.

Scientists hope the worms will help them work out why astronauts’ muscles get really weak when they’re in space. Contrary to popular belief its not because they all lounge around saying, ‘That’s not my job, I’m avionics/engines/airframes’ etc etc. Now I may not be a scientist, but my guess is that due to the lack of gravity, and a new found ability to throw Katyana the 320lb ‘girly’ cosmonaut from one end of the space station to the other, without any significant physical effort, could be key factors in this muscle wastage.

Katyana, 2nd Left, Belarus National Football Team Cheerleaders 2009 Run Forest!, run as fast as you can!.

That and the fact they are on live TV feed into Cape Canaveral 24/7, reduces the opportunity to whack one off unseen (allegedly).

Still the worms apparently, after four days in outer space, will be drugged up for their return. Once they’ve helped the scientists by filling in a questionaire on their return, they’ll be returned to the site they came from. And their mates won’t believe a word of it. “So you were kidnapped, taken to a spaceship, fired into outer space and then, after four days experimenting on you, they drugged you up and brought you back here?” That’ll be the EZY6052 back.

Bristol, Britains answer to Area 51 …

The Queen in 3D: Channel 4 (Recorded 16th Nov Watched 16th Nov)

I wouldn’t usually watch anything about the ‘royals’ if you paid me but this was an opportunity to use my Chuck 3D glasses again.

I started off being quite enthusiastic about the programme; it’s always interesting to see colour footage of life in the 1950s and earlier so it’s quite remarkable to see it in 3D.  Some of the scenes were incredibly effective and the ‘royal’ stuff wasn’t as interesting as the footage of ordinary people.

The problem was that the novelty wore off after about 10 minutes and then you’re just sat there watching boring clips.  It certainly made me question the current trend for 3D films in the cinema.

Top Gear: BBC HD (R 15th Nov W 17th Nov)

It’s the return of Top Gear (now in HD), the programme that evokes more conflicting emotions than any other programme that I watch.  On the negative side, the presenters are annoying, it’s too pleased with itself, there’s too much fakery and most of Clarkson’s views are reprehensible.  On the other hand it has a sense of adventure and wonder that you really don’t find anywhere else and it’s more beautifully shot than any Hollywood film.  Annoying but watchable.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: iTunes (Downloaded 17th Nov W 17th Nov)

I was distraught, last week, when I missed episode 5 of Curb but I decided to take Jed Unpopcult’s advice and download it from iTunes (as much as it hurt for me to pay for it).  And boy, was I ever glad that I did.  After last week’s somewhat disappointing episode Larry & co were right back on top form.  There really were too many funny bits to mention – but if I told you that the plot revolved around Larry dating a woman in a wheelchair, you might start to get the idea.  Highlights included: asking about a Chinese child’s proficiency with chopsticks, Larry attempting to kiss Denise in her wheelchair, Leon asking if Larry “brought it”, hiding the blackberry under the towel and Rosie O’Donnell being as pig-headed as Larry.

There haven’t been many programmes ever that have made me laugh so much.  If you’re not watching it then I want a written note from your mother as to why not.

Misfits: E4 (R 12th Nov W 19th Nov)

Misfits has, inevitably, been described as ‘Skins meets Heroes’ and this made me question whether I was actually going to bother watching it.  As much as the description put me off, there was no was that I was going to miss a British superhero programme.

Five, typically annoying, teens are struck by lightning while on community service and find that they have gained superpowers.  I have quite a low threshold for watching anything featuring ‘realistic’ teens, so the first ten minutes or so were a bit of a chore.  Things picked up, though, as the story gained momentum and it was really successfully done.  It’s rare that we get these high-concept sci-fi shows in the UK but when we do they often have a unique flavour.

Having the powers relate to the characters’ personalities wasn’t the subtlest touch (the shy one turns invisible etc) but by the end of the episode we did start to see them as real human beings.  I’ll definitely be tuning in for the second episode.

Stargate Universe: Sky One (R 17th Nov W 21st Nov)

I’ve been pretty underwhelmed by this series from the start but I stuck with it because it seemed like something might happen.  Well, it only took about 5 minutes of this episode before I decided that nothing was ever going to happen.  It felt like a relief to finally give up on it.

Kamikaze Girls: Film4 (R 13th Nov W 21st Nov)

I’ve got a habit of recording any foreign-language film that I spot because I’m a bit of a snob and they don’t tend to repeat them; you’ve got to watch them when you can.  The problem is that I’ve really got to be in the mood to watch a movie and when they’re sub-titled you really have to concentrate, so I’ve ended up with lots of unwatched films.  I’ve found myself deleting a few recently but I made an effort to watch this.

Kamikaze Girls could be described as a Japanese Amelie; it’s a quirky film that features an attractive female stuck in her own magical realism world.  This being a Japanese film, though, means that it has its own strangeness that makes it nothing like Amelie.  The plot, such as it is, revolves around two teenage girls who form an unlikely friendship – Momoko, who like to wear frilly ‘lolita’ dresses and Ichigo, a slightly psychotic biker chick.  In some ways nothing much else happens, but that would be really selling it short, and it kept my interest to the end.  There is a great scene towards the end when Momoko finally flips when trying to defend Ichigo against a biker gang that’s actually very funny.

I’d like to add that the reason that I liked the film had nothing to do with the main character being gorgeous and prancing round in ‘lolita’ outfits.  Honest.

Facebook claims that there are over 300 million people who are registered on the site (here). They also say that over 8 billion minutes are spent on the site every day.

In my opinion, that is a lot of brainwashed people! I am certain the developers of Facebook have figured out some way of subtly conditioning the unsuspecting user’s mind to become addicted to the site. Perhaps they are using subliminal messages flashed on the screen so fast the naked eye does not register them, but the subconscious mind does… well ok, maybe not. (People were trying to say that TV advertisers did that kind of thing… even if they did, I don’t think it would work.)

I wonder just how many of those 300 million are what is termed ‘Facebook addicts’. These are the people who spend a huge part of their lives on Facebook – so much that if under some circumstance they can not log on, they experience serious withdrawal.

Myself, I will admit that I spend a lot of time on Facebook – however, I am a veritable hermit so I believe I have an excuse: it is my main form of contact with the outside world! I don’t necessarily miss Facebook if I can’t log on, but I do miss my Internets if they are not working…

I am mystified by this strange compulsion to play these bizarre and unrealistic games, like Farmville. What is it about running a pretend farm that makes it so hard to stay away from? It doesn’t have the perks of planting a real garden (like eating the fruits of your labours), but then it also does not have the drawbacks (like killing your body digging or having to deal with fertiliser). I do think it is rather odd that none of the animals on Farmville is farmed for meat. Were the developers trying to push a vegan agenda, or merely unwilling to deal with outraged PETA members? What you ‘harvest’ from the various animals is in some cases quite peculiar. In Farmville, originally you collected ‘yarn’ from a kitten – although now they have changed that to brushing the kitten, which you get money for. I wish someone would pay me money to brush my cat, I could make a fortune…

My husband spends an inordinate amount of time playing ‘Texas hold’em poker’ on Facebook… and spends the rest of his time telling me I am addicted to Facebook games!

Something else that concerns me about Facebook is the ‘groups’. All of a sudden, instead of having a world full of isolated stupid people, you can go to Facebook and find 516,723 people who think that Jeremy Clarkson (of TV’s Top Gear) should be Prime Minister of Britain. We all know what happens when stupid people with stupid ideas get together and form groups… you get things like the Australian Democrats Party. The other kind of group that annoys me are the “We want Facebook back the way it was” or “we don’t like the new Facebook” groups that come around every time Facebook does an update. For crying out loud, people, you don’t pay to use it… get over it. If your dislike is so vehement, just stop using it. (But you won’t, because of course, you are addicted.)

Another Facebook-related disease is what my husband terms ‘Facebook diarrhoea’. This is where people ‘publish’ every single thing they do on every application, and share the intimate and mundane details of their lives with the rest of the world in an over-profusion of status updates (like people really care if your kid tinkled in the toilet five minutes ago… of course, if your cat tinkled into the human toilet five minutes ago, please share with us how you managed to train it – because I have tried and it doesn’t work. Litter Kwitter is a crock.)

I do wonder what would happen if for some reason or another Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites were forced to close down tomorrow… It would be amusing to start a rumour like that in a format and forum that people would actually believe… If you thought the Y2K bug hype or the Global Warming hype was bad – the closing down of social networking websites would be a global disaster the world might never recover from!!

It’s our habit to review the first episode of Top Gear in a new season to see how well the formula is still working – and this time around we’ve come to rather a startling conclusion.

Increasingly, it’s all about James May.

Why on earth would we think this? Surely the peculiar geeky bloke can’t really be the centre of attention in the face of so much loud and testosterone-fuelled competition.

Well, for a start, watch the first episode of season 14. Who gets the most screen time? Eh? He even does the track test, which is not something you see every week, and subverts it very nicely while he’s at it.

And, for another thing, think about it all in a slightly broader context. The three presenters each have their well-established personalities that have developed over time.

Clarkson is the constantly-undercut gobshite who dominated at the beginning then plateaued – and now has restricted potential for character development, since he’s also thoroughly exploited the trick of being unexpectedly polite.

Hammond with his short bloke syndrome was (with unfortunate literality) catapulted into the public consciousness when he had his accident. The resulting wave of concern and hope for his sound recovery made him the star for the next few seasons.

But it’s May, the latest developer of all, that’s now coming into his own. It’s the ultimate tale of the patient geek come good – and we love him for it.

Here’s an idea about why. May is easily the most three-dimensional of the Top Gear presenters. It seems like he’s hardly off our screens at the moment, what with all those series about wine, space and toys.

Meanwhile Clarkson is contractually tied to only present Top Gear and Hammond has tended to get his most prominent exposure outside the programme’s studio by promoting a certain well-known supermarket brand.

May has also got a surprisingly passionate female following. While this is presumably also demonstrable for both Clarkson and Hammond, their appeal might be somewhat easier to understand.

But read the comments May routinely gets on his Telegraph column and you’ll soon learn he has an indefinable something all of his own and that there are plenty of takers for it.

Which seems like the perfect time to give a polite cough and move on to the actual episode

Another California, another trip to central Europe

What is it right now about driving supercars around Eastern Europe that seems to be fascinating motoring journalists? We imagine the answer to be a very successful promotional drive by Ferrari to promote its new GT model.

In the hands of the Top Gear producers, however, this proposition has become a completely, magnificently surreal road movie that takes up half the episode and proves that the programme certainly can still deliver 14 seasons in.

Notable is the confidence with which all this starts. There are few introductions, little more than a couple of sentences of banter (with Hammond threatening to hold his breath until he turns blue if he doesn’t get his own way) and then we’re off.

The gang has got its hands on two other supercars in addition to the California, which Hammond will be piloting. Clarkson is waxing lyrical about his lovely Aston Martin DBS Volante, definitely the car we would choose from the selection on offer. May, in an unlikely move, will be behind the wheel of a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

Their mission is to take them to Romania in search of the world’s best road. We don’t have too many details about this at the moment, but the joys of discovery are to come.

First, the gang must take its collection of supercars across a country that has made a rapid journey from Iron Curtain dictatorship to paid-up member of the European Union in the course of just two decades – and they find a few of their assumptions about Borat-style Warsaw Pact countries and donkey carts busted on the way.

However it is, as we are reminded quite early on, the home of the oft-referred-to Dacia Sandero – and here is one, driving innocuously down a road. Also we have plenty of opportunities to laugh at presenters being baffled by the in-car gadgets, a silly nod to the idea that there’s a practical car review going on.

But easily the highlight of the first part of this film is the sheer joy with which the presenters drive their supercars around a network of tunnels underneath the national parliament, formerly the residence of Nicolae Ceausescu. “This is our best game yet,” yells Hammond, before putting down his foot and roaring off.

The bit in the middle

That’s it for the first part of the film and now we are into the programme regulars – the news segment, the track test and the star in the reasonably-priced car, all of which old favourites have made it into season 14. The first couple of items are a long way off being news and give the distinct impression of being chosen more for their humorous potential than their currency – the new McLaren supercar (cue jokes about dangerous prams) and Bathurst booze ban.

But then it veers off into complete surreality again with Porsche fan May rolling out what is said to be his only phrase of fluent German in the middle of an item poking fun at the new Boxster Spyder: “But then it veers off into complete surreality again with Porsche fan May rolling out what is said to be his only phrase of fluent German in the middle of an item poking fun at the new Boxster Spyder: “Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall.” (“Naturally Hans is wet, he’s standing under a waterfall.”) For some reason, this is laugh-out-loud funny, though it is hard to explain why

Then, in a moment of comedy gold, Clarkson is made to build a cardboard portable loo designed for roadside use with audience participation – which he then sits on and falls through. “Do you know what? Honestly? I think I would rather crap myself.” Hammond: “I think I just did.”

The track test is a comparison of discreet wallets on wheels, presented as a spoof consumer item for newly-rich bankers. It starts with the BMW 760LI (or “the BMW Move Over, Poor Person”) which gives us a rare glimpse of May out on the circuit: “It’s like swimming over a waterfall of double cream.” By the end of the film he’s sitting in the back demanding “dignified driving” from his hired chauffeur, on the basis that if he can afford the car then he can afford to have it driven for him. The Stig is not happy.

Next up is the Mercedes S63 AMG – May and Stig profess themselves unable to choose between the two and have to resort to a game of Top Trumps. Until Stig throws a tantrum and overturns the table. All they can do is race them – the Merc wins out on the track but, in May’s judgement, the Beemer would prevail overall if both cars weren’t completely pointless.

The star in a reasonably-priced car is generally one of our least-favourite bits – but tonight’s candidate is considerably more interesting than many. Aussie actor and racer Eric Bana (a Ford bloke, not a Holden bloke), a veteran of films such as Chopper, Black Hawk Down, Troy, Star Trek and The Time Traveller’s Wife, says the Bathurst beer ban is “a serious restriction – practically teetotal.” He gives Clarkson well and truly as good as he gets on the old England-Aussie rivalry. He’s a bit silent on the subject of the Ashes, however.

But he’s definitely one of the better reasonably-priced guests (and, let’s be frank, sometime you’d get them on for a fee of 50 pence) due to having a bit of a clue how to put the car around the track. The documentary he is here to promote, about racing his classic Ford that he’s had since his teens, also looks good.

“Nice, throaty little warble – a happy little car”

Then it’s back to Romania in search of the world’s best road. After covering all 143 alleged miles of Romanian motorways, and waxing lyrical about the pleasures of driving supercars (nice to know you don’t get blasé after 13 series and one episode) they present May with the keys to his very own Dacia Sandero, which he abandons his Lambo to go and drive.

“Nice, throaty little warble – a happy little car, the Dacia Sandero.”

But not for long. After what looks like a period of pure, unadulterated enjoyment during which he states his manifesto for uncluttered, gadget-free, basic motoring, he stops to rejoin the others in a car park – and an articulated lorry backs over it, destroying it as thoroughly as one of Clarkson’s Austins.

And you’d have to have a heart of stone not to be with May on this one.

Then it’s time to take a few supercars off-road (if you buy the myth that there’s not a comfy SUV full of handlers just behind the film crew). And to drive hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of automotive luxury over a couple of planks across a stream. And May gets his unspoken, subtle revenge by driving the Lambo into a local taxi. Top Gear – taking you where other motoring programs won’t venture.

At this point, locating the best road in the world looks set to be a McGuffin and the trio ends up parked on a dirt track, supposedly unable to find the hotel, low on fuel and drinking a paint-stripping liqueur that Clarkson found at a petrol station.

And when it comes to sleeping in the backs of cars, the 5ft 7in Hammond has a considerable advantage over the 6ft 6in Clarkson, as you might imagine. In fact, he gets wedged with his folded-forward driver’s seat jammed on the horn, which does not make him particularly popular with his colleagues.

And, wouldn’t you know it, come break of day they turn out to be parked at the bottom of a towering, disused, Communist-era dam. With just four and a half minutes of the programme left, they set out once more in search of the road they came all the way to Romania in three arse-tinglingly expensive supercars to find.

To be fair, when they do arrive at the Transfagarasan Highway, which we learn took 6,000 tons of dynamite to build and killed 40 people in the process, it is pretty special: “From above it looks like every great corner from every great racetrack in the world has been knitted together in one unbroken ribbon of automotive perfection.”

The programme winds up with the perfect feel-good ending with the three whizzing along in their cars, each opining that it is definitely the best one to have brought along.

You go all that way, take all that trouble… and then find yourself in convoy behind Captain Slow. Bloody typical. But even he’s inspired to put his foot down a bit on this occasion.

• Top Gear – Season 14, episode 1. Available on iPlayer until 9:59pm, Sunday January 10 2010
• Read our S13 preview here

Transfagarasan Highway: learn more

• View it on Google Maps
• Read about it on Wikipedia
• Get travel information from InYourPocket.com
• Read a blog post from a biker
• View photos on Flickr
• Read a Guardian article on Ceausescu’s Folly
• Check out videos on YouTube

I’ve long been a fan of the duo Gilbert and Sullivan, who wrote and composed several witty and satirical operettas in the late nineteenth century. One of my favourite of these is The Mikado – which is set in Japan but has very little to do with Japan at all. It is a ‘poke’ at Victorian culture and politics, transplanted into another setting. The story revolves around Nanki-poo, the son of the Mikado (the emperor) who runs away from court and takes on the guise of a ‘wandering minstrel’ to avoid the marriage that has been arranged for him with the elderly Katisha. While on his wanderings, he meets the lovely Yum-yum who (along with her two sisters Pitti-sing and Peep-Bo) are the wards of Ko-ko who is the ‘Lord High Executioner’ of the town of Titipu. There are laughs and japes along the place and in the end Nanki-poo marries Yum-yum and everything works out….

Early on in the operetta, Ko-ko sings a song where he tells the audience about his ‘little list’. You see, in his time as ‘Lord High Executioner’ Ko-ko has never had to perform an execution. In fact, he is rather queasy at the thought. However, in the case that he does have to execute someone one day, he has written a list of all the people he doesn’t think that society would miss – good candidates for execution. This song is one that different productions of the operetta play with, changing the list to make it funnier to the modern culture, yet in its original form it is still hilarious.

It is probably just as well that I am not ‘Lord High Executioner’, for I have my own list of people I think society would be better off without! If we could rid the world of these people I think humanity would face a better future. So… if anyone has contacts with international terrorist groups looking for new targets, here are my suggestions for a ‘little list’:

People who eat fake cheese.

Anyone over the age of seventeen who likes ‘Twilight’. (Face it folks, its immature. Even if writing that kind of thing could make one bags and bags of money my integrity just would not allow it.)

New Zealanders and anyone else who says “sweet as broo”.

People who think that plants aren’t living. (like my brother-in-law)

People who stand in the middle of the street shouting at each other at three o’clock in the morning (like my neighbours…)

People that don’t vote in elections and then complain about the actions of governments.

People who think you shouldn’t wait half an hour after eating before going swimming. (There isn’t a scientific basis for that one… but you’re much less likely to throw up in the water and make the pool yucky if you wait – and you might throw up if you swallow down a heap of water on top of your food….)

People who think the whole world wants to see their butt crack (like my husband….)

People who don’t spey or neuter their pets and then let them wander free.

People who still haven’t realised that smoking will kill you – and if it doesn’t kill you it will at least make you sick and/or ugly.

Jeremy Clarkson and anyone who likes him.

I’m sure I could think of more… but it would take a while. Anyone else got any suggestions?

The MoD has been criticised for using military personnel in the making of Top Gear - it's just good publicity!

The MoD has apparently been criticised for the 141 equivalent days it has given to BBC’s Top Gear programme in the past five years.

But, I can’t but think that this is extremely good product placement by our military. I am guessing but I suspect that the viewers are predominantly male and younger than average, which is surely the target audience for the services. It has hardly been to the detriment of the military the coverage they have received and, if anything, enhances the kudos of military service, and encourages recruitment.

Just the events that The Guardian lists tell you that this is great, low cost, advertising for the MoD;

• Apache helicopter attempting missile lock on a Lotus Exige
• Challenger Tank tries to catch Jeremy Clarkson in a Land Rover
• Avoiding sniper fire in a Porsche and a Mercedes
• Racing a Porsche Cayenne against a parachutist
• Twice using HMS Ark Royal as a back drop
• Beach assault with Royal Marines and a Ford Fiesta
• Racing the Bugatti Veyron against an RAF Typhoon fighter
• Playing ‘British Bulldogs’ against modern army vehicles

Now this might all seem to be a bit boys with toys, on the part of the Top Gear team, and I would not demure from this, but this is excellent product placement by the MoD, and should be seen as such.

According to the MoD if they had wanted to advertise on ITV it would have cost them £50,000 for every thirty seconds.

In a statement the MoD said: “The Top Gear filming took place during scheduled training hours. In no circumstances were resources diverted from other activities to support this filming. It is common for the media to cover military training exercises.

“Showcasing our people and equipment on popular television programmes is an excellent way to raise public awareness about the work of the armed forces and to encourage support for our troops.”

Quite right.

Top Gear is most assuredly back! In the 14^th series opener, the boys went on a journey to Romania to try and find the best road in the world, there was a test between a Mercedes S63 AMG and a BMW 760LI and the actor Eric Bana dropped in.

I think the surprise of the night came when I found out that Eric Bana is Australian! I had no idea that he wasn’t an American actor. Well, I suppose that just goes to show how good he is. Also, he is a giant fan of motorsport and races GT cars regularly. It even came out that he has not taken a movie project because he would rather go racing. His prowess on the track really came through when it came to his lap in the reasonably priced Suzuki Liana. Even though it was extremely wet and even though he missed a gear change, he still managed to put in the fastest wet lap of all time, which is damn impressive. All of his lines were spot on and you could tell from the video that he was going to be fast. All in all, a very good lap from a surprisingly Australian person.

The test round the track that took place involved James, for once, testing out some hot super sedans. The Mercedes S63 AMG and the BMW 760LI both feature huge engines, a 6.2 liter V8 in the Merc and a 6.0 liter, twin-turbo V12 in the BMW. Both make generous amounts of power and torque, but the BMW is faster in both a straight line and around a track. This surprised me because I would have thought that the BMW would have been the softer of the two, given that the AMG is usually thought to be a brutish sort of car, and the BMW 7 series generally isn’t thought to be all that sporty. But the Bimmer was better able to put the power to the ground without completely lighting up the back tires around every corner like the AMG. And though the BMW won the battle, it was still decided that both cars were wastes of time and money because they are overpriced and overpowered and don’t know what they really are. They are supposed to be luxury limos, but also try to be sports cars, and that just dilutes them from being truly one or the other. And I have to say, I agree with their verdict on this one. If I want a sports car, I’ll go buy a Porsche or something and if I want a big luxury saloon, I’ll get a Jag, but I don’t need them to be put together and then pay more than I would for both of them combined with the one car.

On to the main event now. In what can only be described as a hair-brained scheme to find a road they could have simply gone to right off the bat, the boys traveled through the country or Romania in search of the Transfagarasan Highway. This is the highest, and most dramatic paved road in the country and looks very similar to the Stelvio Pass that they visited a few series ago. Of course, it wasn’t just about the road though. The cars that they brought were supposed to be the best grand touring roadsters in the world, and so Clarkson brought an Aston Martin Volante, Hammond showed up in a Ferrari California and James brought a Lamborghini LP560-4 Spyder. They then bickered and did what they do best by driving around, getting lost and competing in challenges that don’t really settle anything at all. Of course, since they were in Romania, it was only natural that they should see a ton of Dacia Sanderos. For those who don’t know, James is obsessed with this car. He feels it is a cheap car with no frills that is actually pretty good. So, Clarkson bought him one. And, as happens with all their gifts, you just knew that it had to get ruined somehow. This time, a large semi-truck backed into it and completely destroyed it after James had parked it “conveniently.” I know it was set up, but it was still great to see, because I think that James actually did like that car. After that, the boys followed May and, of course, got lost out in the Romanian countryside where James had a fender bender with his Lambo. But, after all of that nonsense and tomfoolery, they finally reached the road, and it turned out to be an epic thing. Clarkson even commented that the road was a combination of all the best corners of all the best race tracks in the world, and there is no greater compliment than that.

Overall, the episode was a good one for the start of the series and it can, hopefully, only go up from here. I wish I knew what was coming up on the show next Sunday, but they did not tell the audience. I’m assuming that it will be a big surprise. I will say that the one car I am hoping to see on this series is the new Noble M600. I want to see what it can do around the track, because it is supposed to be devastatingly fast.

So then, this is our second car of the week, this time done by Igor (Blog doesn’t show the author of the posts, I’m aware and working on getting this fixed).

The car I’ve chosen is Mercedes’ CLK Black, my favourite car. I’ll start you off with some facts. They based it on the CLK63 AMG. They pulled out some unnecessary parts though, changed the body, modified the engine and a few other things. The result is that they’ve turned the fairly civilized CLK63 AMG into a full on road warrior. That 6.2L V8, standard issue on most AMGs, is putting out 507hp and 465lb-ft of torque. That’s plenty of power. It’s sent to the rear wheels through a 7-gear flappy-paddle gearbox, which also has an automatic mode when you just want to relax. The car weighs just under 2 metric tonnes, which seems like plenty, but the power compensates, resulting in a 0-60 time of 4.1 seconds, and it’ll keep on going up to 186mph.

These figures can’t explain why this car is so great though. Many people have blamed it for being overpriced. You have to look beyond the figures to figure out the appeal though and why it’s worth the price. This car is all about the driving experience. It’s a joy to drive and the engine makes an absolutely fantastic noise. Once you’re done having fun, it’ll take you comfortably home. The gearbox has got an automatic mode, there’s a phone, radio, sat-nav, air-con, and though the ride isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, it’s tolerable. Practicality isn’t too bad either, while there aren’t any rear seats, the trunk is fairly spacious, and you can always use that space where the seats used to be if something doesn’t fit in the trunk. So then, to finish this off, here’s a video review done by Jeremy Clarkson to demonstrate the noise, and sum up everything I just said.

When I abandoned religion all those years ago, I believed that I had also discarded my susceptibility to emotional weakness, and thus the ability to hate. So, over the years I kept telling myself that the revulsion and anger I felt towards certain things, was just a feeling of annoyance…not hate.

However, recently I’ve had to admit that I really actually hate politicians, the law (as in the police)…………. and trucks. Yes trucks, as in vehicles that transport freight (and in South Africa, everything else imaginable).

It’s really easy to hate politicians; in fact it’s an obligation for all intelligent South Africans. But how can one hate trucks? It seems so pointless to hate an inanimate object which cannot feel your hatred, much less amend its objectionable behaviour to appease you. It would make more sense to hate the drivers and owners of trucks, than the trucks themselves. But as a motorist on South African roads, confronted with yet another truck that’s broken down and holding up traffic, it’s natural to think out loud, ”Damn truck!” or more likely scream out loud ”I fucking hate trucks!” I’m pretty sure nobody shouts out  “Damn driver!” or “I hate that fucking driver of that fucking truck and maybe the fucking owner too!” Okay, this is South Africa, so there’s bound to be one or two who would, but they’re as irrelevant as those who love politicians, or the police who shoot to kill.

Taxis are pretty annoying; lots of people probably hate them too, but they don’t come to a complete halt for hours on end, across two whole lanes, backing up traffic for hours. Which happens with freakish regularity, several times a day (not the same truck, obviously), usually in peak traffic in the mornings and afternoons. And if they’re not broken down, they are either travelling too slow in the wrong lane, have lost their load on the road (for some reason beer is a very popular load to lose), or the idiot driver is trying to overtake another slow truck…on an incline of all places.

So why do trucks break down with such frequency? Are they badly designed? Are truck drivers as reckless with their trucks as politicians are with our tax money or South African cocks cops with their guns?

I suspect it has something to do with the maintenance of these vehicles. Since the state-owned rail freight company hiked its tariffs all those years ago, almost everything is being transported by road these days. And the owners and operators in a highly competitive trucking industry are literally cutting each others throats for business, resulting in hardly anything being budgeted for maintenance of the trucks. What we have then is poorly maintained trucks on our roads which naturally break down at the most inconvenient of times.

What about the other annoying truck related incidences on our roads. Trucks that lose their loads, probably do so because of overloading, poor maintenance or simply through negligence in securing the freight. Why do truck drivers think that they can overtake on an incline without hogging the road and annoying the hell out of other motorists? Who knows? They’re truck drivers, not engineers.

The solution to this problem is very simple. The enforcement of steep fines for trucks that break down. I suggest that fines be as high as R10 000 for a first incident and then climbing dramatically for subsequent infringements by the same owner or operator. If you consider the lost time and productivity that these breakdowns cause to the economy, the frustration and even personal losses sustained by other motorists  when they miss flights, important appointments, even job interviews, I think the fines are an imperative. It would teach the owners to look after their shit.

The other benefit of hefty fines for truck owners, is that the traffic cocks cops don’t have to harass ordinary motorists as much as they do, to generate revenue for their Metro Council employers. So with all that extra dough coming in from the errant trucking industry, it would leave fat-arsed traffic cocks cops free to lose weight or do some real work. So instead of lazing in the shade of a tree, or behind a bush, (c)overtly manning speed cameras all day long, they could actually actively manage traffic safety.

Sometimes, you do things only because you can.

Asta vara toata mass-media a vuit de vestea ca echipa emisiunii Top Gear filmeaza un episod in Romania. Ziaristii s-au strans ca in fata unui mesia in jurul celor trei prezentatori: Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond si James May, s-a zvonit ceva de niste filmari, undeva pe transfagarasan si in jurul Casei Poporului, publicul s-a extaziat de ideea ca un episod din cea mai vizionata emisiune auto se va filma in Romania, promisiunile unei editii interesante a Top Gear existau.

Cum a aratat Romania in viziunea celor de la Top Gear?
1. Clarkson: “You would imagine that coming here in a car that costs 168.000 pounds is like turning up in Sudan in a suit that’s entirely made of food”. 0-1 pentru Top Gear
2. Calatoria celor 3 incepe in Mamaia. Unde englezii raman inmarmuriti de colectia de masini de fitze din fata hotelului Rex. Scorul ramane acelasi.
3. Pe o harta aproximativa a Romaniei este aratat traseul pe care il au de urmat cei 3. Cateva orase principale sunt prezentate pe harta: Constanta, Bucuresti, Pitesti si destinatia… Transilvaniei. “Transilvaniei ce?” veti intreba. Ei bine, se pare ca englezilor le-a scapat din vedere si existenta genitivului din gramatica limbii romane. Scor egal: Romania – Top Gear, 1-1.
4. O dacia sandero intrece pe autostrada soarelui bolizii celor 3, un Aston Martin DBS Volante, un Ferrari California si un Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder. Romania 2 – Top Gear 1.
5. Pe sistemul GPS al masinii lui James May nu exista harta Romaniei. May se opreste sa afle indicatii de la cativa trecatori romani. Engleza acestora este execrabila. 2-2.
6. Nici romana lui May,invatata dintr-un ghid de conversatie englez-roman nu este prea recognoscibila. 3-2.
7. Clarkson si Hammond, ajunsi primii – evident – in fata Casei Poporului raman fara cuvinte la vederea Casei Poporului. 4-2. Reuniti cu May profita de ocazie ca sa faca niste ture cu masinile prin tunelele de sub edificiu.
8. Ajunsi intr-un bar, dupa prima zi de calatorie, cei trei vizioneaza la un ecran ceea ce ei denumesc “a local version of Top Gear”. Versiunea autohtona prezinta, din nou, Dacia Sandero, si este in limba bulgara ( ?!?!?! ). 4-3. In plus gagica care o prezinta e cam naspa si e imbracata prost. 4-4.
9. In ziua a doua, cei 3 englezi strabat si autostrada Bucuresti – Pitesti. Dupa care raman fara autostrada. 4-5 si felicitari pentru Ministerul Transporturilor!
10. Caravana opreste pentru ca Clarkson ii face cadou lui May o Dacia Sandero. Cadoul e apreciat foarte mult de May: “This is the essence of a car. That’s a superb gift!” Scor egal: 5-5!
11. Un tir face Sandero-ul nou al lui May praf. May intra intr-o discutie cu soferul tirului. “I don’t know what he’s telling me in hungarian ( ?!?!?! ) or whatever…” 5-6 pentru Top Gear.
12. Clarkson descopera un caine maidanez la cinci pasi de piciorul lui. 5-7.
13. Cei trei pasesc in “gipsy country”, dupa vorbele lui Hammond. Totul in jur devine rustic inapoiat ca in filmul Borat: carute, cai, șatre de țigani, drumuri neasfaltate, praf. 5-8.
14. Puradeii si localnicii inconjoara masinile de parca n-ar fi vazut una in viata lor. Brusc, comparatia cu Sudan-ul pare justificata. Clarkson li se adreseaza direct: “Gipsies, did you hit that man in the back?” 5-9 si mi-e rusine.
15. Dupa o noapte petrecuta in masini, pentru ca n-au gasit niciun motel sau pensiune ( sau asa pretind ), englezii strabat un drum plin de gropi si hartoape spre Transfagarasanul mult asteptat. Masinile trepideaza ingrozitor. 5-10 si inca o data multumiri Ministerului Transporturilor.
16. Cei 3 ajung in final la Transfagarasan. Imaginea ii copleseste. “This is the most amazing road I’ve ever seen”, exclama Clarkson. “It looks like every great corner from every great racetrack in the world has been knitted together to create one unbroken great ribbon of automotive perfection.” 6-10.
17. Cursa intre britanici incepe, totul in panorama impresionanta a transfagarasanului. Un “Oh, that’s havenly!” sincer iese din gura lui Clarkson. 7-10.
18. Soseaua e impecabila. “This road is getting better and better. THIS is the best road in the world!”
19. Clarkson incheie finalul traseului montan: “Romania! Thank you for having us. And can we stay… for ever?” 8-10.

Per total, Romania a iesit cu o imagine corecta, pe alocuri distorsionata voit, intr-o ignoranta sau nepasare fortata ( vorbim maghiara si slavona, suntem pe aceeasi pozitie cu Sudanul ), pe alocuri fiind accentuate partile negative ( tigani, comune uitate de tehnologie, gropi in mijlocul soselelor, carute cu fiare vechi, maidanezi – dar pe toate astea le avem, cu astea defilam in Europa ), pe alocuri fiind omise niste parti bune care ar fi meritat sa fie mentionate: peisajele care-ti taie rasuflarea, cladirile vechi ale Bucurestilor, romancele , etc.

Cu toate astea, e clar ca cei trei s-au simtit bine, si au facut pana la urma un lobby macar interesant, daca nu pozitiv, Romaniei. Astept acum cu interes sa vad cum o sa le strice Elena Udrea &co toata munca.

PS: cel mai tare m-a deranjat, in final, nu prezentarea facuta de emisiune Romaniei, ci un moment pe care cred ca am si vrut sa-l uit la modul subconstient. In timp ce Hammond si Clarkson stateau pe treptele Casei Poporului, un roman i-a anuntat ca in curand se vor intalni cu un demnitar roman, secretarul general al Camerei Deputatilor. Indiferent ca secretarul general era sau nu un pasionat de masini, ceea ce reiese din filmare este un alt “romanism”: un demnitar important roman ii primeste pe niste gazetarasi doar pentru ca sunt straini, atractia pentru straini a tuturor politicienilor romani fiind comparabila doar cu cea a nepotelului al carui unchi vine din strainatate cu cadouri. Cersetoria.

Daca s-ar duce Cristian Tudor Popescu in Marea Britanie l-ar gazdui prim-ministrul sau Regina? I-ar durea in fund de el.

“People rarely make the effort to offer congratulations and praise if something is done right. If you make a great show, ten people will say you did well. But if you make one slip up, ten million people will try to burn your house down.”

We see some proper rubbish on television these days. Not a single Saturday night goes past without millions of Brits gawking into the endless annoying mannerisms of Simon Cowell. And now, with the newest round of “I’m a Z list Celebrity, and I’m only doing this because they couldn’t get anyone better,” starting tonight, it seems the days of decent programming are drawing to an end. Or are they? For it seems as if a light has been turned on at the end of the TV tunnel. A single flickering candle of honest television. A beacon for petrol and diesel heads alike. Yes ladies and gents, the wait is over. Top Gear is back!

Now let’s not beat around the proverbial bush. Top Gear is now BBC 2’s most watched programme. It is a global phenomenon. It’s shown in more than 100 countries across the globe, and the face of Jeremy Clarkson is now more recognisable to your average schoolchild than the face of that cretin in number 10. But why is it such a success? Who could honestly have foreseen that watching three middle aged men falling over and setting various bits of machinery on fire would make for good viewing? Who could have known that viewing supercars with ridiculous credentials sliding around corners way too fast could turn into a good programme? It’s all well and good. But one question remains on the lips of TG fans around the globe. Is this the Top Gear that was meant to be? Is this more a mockery of modern Britain than a motoring show? In short, is it a car programme anymore?

Well, to answer this question you have to understand just how large the audience of Top Gear is. This is no longer the same tweed-covered pokey motoring show of the 80’s. Oh no, nowadays, children, housewives, men with marigolds, vicars, even chartered accountants tune in religiously every Sunday evening. So naturally, with its fan base growing, the show’s producers had to shift their focus from cars, to comedy. They had to keep their ratings, and the main criticism of Top Gear now is that at points it seems a little staged, a little planned, like everything goes wrong a little too perfectly… But really I think the reason why they’re doing it is because they are trying to please everyone. You will never manage to satisfy every single customer, but damn they’re going to try anyway.

Take last night as an example. In just 60 minutes of programming you had factual car reviews, consumer advice, practical testing, comedy, drama, and some of the best camera work I’ve ever seen. So the three or four people who are left are naturally going to be the ones left complaining. The other point to make is that people rarely make the effort to offer congratulations and praise if something is done right. If you make a great show, ten people will say you did well. But if you make one slip up, ten million people will try to burn your house down.

People are only too quick to come charging onto internet forums with their criticisms of television. Imagine how heartbreaking that must be for whoever makes the programme. Do they come down to your workplace and tell you how to do your job? No, so what gives you the right to tell them how to do theirs? Well, mostly because 9 times out of 10, they actively encourage it. They are always keen for consumer feedback, because that is the foundation upon which they can improve. For me last nights season opener was fantastic, simply because Top Gear, having listened to the people who watch it, reverted back to doing what it does best, being a car show again. Oh sure there was laughter, there were tears, there was even uncontrollable hysterics when Jeremy broke a toilet, but beyond that the focus was on the cars. So how would I sum up how I feel now that Top Gear is once again gracing our screens? Simple, I only need 4 words. The boys are back!

Feel free to get in touch with your opinion on all things to do with Britain’s favourite motoring show. I’ll usually answer, except if it’s at 9pm on a Sunday evening. In which case I’m slumped in front of the telly.