There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined Mac Heads. But this week, we meet Italians (Pizzaus Boyus).

1. Description

The Italian can be recognized easily for their angry scowls, formed from years of getting unreasonably upset over small misunderstandings [see Fig 1.1]

Italians can also be identified for their dark hair, large puffy noses, and obesity from carbohydrate-specific diets. [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of Italians include unrelentingly ugly faces, combing their hair with carburetor grease, large-breasted women, hair in inappropriate places, tanned skin from African bloodlines, and notoriously blank facial expressions [pictured in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

New York City, New Jersey, Boston, Philadelphia, Miami, Chicago, and any city with restaurants having a name ending in a vowel [pictured below in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

When Italians are not being hot-heads, they can be found slavishly believing in everything the Pope says, loan sharking, being born degenerates, loving Frank Sinatra, being controlled by the Mob, and using frantic hand gestures to express themselves [see Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of Italians include being closed-minded, being janitors, working in labor unions, being cowardly fighters, only eating foods made of tomatoes and dough and noodles, and working in the service industry [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Italians, feel free to say Hi when you see one. But be warned, Italians will be hostile at first. It is customary for them to angrily ask if you’re talking to them at least 2-3 times.

So when approaching them, be sure to wear a New York Yankees jersey and make a point to state how Rocky Marciano was the greatest boxer of all time.

After that, Italians should warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 4 Italians to change a light bulb. 1 to change the bulb and 3 to bury the guy they just killed to get the job.

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]]> http://thepandapage.com/?p=370 Wed, 23 Apr 2008 18:39:57 +0000 Jonny Vagingas http://thepandapage.com/?p=370

The Panda Page held a contest this week to make the best graph humor (I think it’s funny, internet people). So here are the Top 10 best of what was sent in.

Note: If you’ve ever used Google Docs or Microsoft PowerPoint, you’ll probably go nuts for this.

10) Plot of Sexy vs. Time

9) Prince’s Suggested Party Metrics

Percentage of when Corey Hart wears sunglasses

7) Jesus Jones would like to be

6) Drink order for George Thorogood

5) Criteria for selecting a compatible partner

4) Meredith Brooks Personality Metrics: 1997 Totals

3) The girl belongs to (if you get this one, buy a lottery ticket)

2) Items on which blame should be placed, according to Milli Vanilli

1) Rick Astley Would Never

-Nick

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MAKE YOUR OWN GRAPHS:

1. Pick a topic to visualize
   Something in the news, or on the mind of the public conscience. Or you can try a classic. Pick an item from the topic that can be explained visually.
2. Graph it
   On Google Docs, You can create bar, line, or pie charts.
   • Click New > Spreadsheet to start a new chart.
   • Enter the values for the chart
   • Highlight the cells and click on the Chart button:
   • Select the type, give it a title, and save the document.
   • To submit it, click on the Share tab and invite us at nicholasolds@yahoo.com

3. Or get creative using Office, Visio or other tools and email it to us.
Suggest other graph types in the comments.

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the Guido. But today we’re going to meet the College Revolutionary. (Trustfundus Ignoramus)

Let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. Description

The College Revolutionary can be most easily recognized by his unique long hair and beard [pictured in Fig 1.1].

The College Revolutionary can also easily spotted for his beret-like hat and faded green Army jacket [as illustrated in Fig. 1.2 below].

2. Habitat

The College Revolutionaries can be found at protests, rallies, or any kind of gathering with girls that are impressed by that kind of event. Most often, those events are held on the campuses of private colleges in New England or northern California [pictured in Fig. 2.1].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies among College Revolutionaries include saving Darfur, despising republicans, living off their parents wealth, ending Global Warming, smoking marijuana, supporting Barack Obama, and public speaking to groups of people that agree with them [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

4. How To Approach Them

Now that you’ve learned about College Revolutionaries, why not say “Hi” if you see them? But be warned when approaching them: if you do not have long hair or a beard, the College Revolutionary will yell things like “Fascist!” and “Conformist!” until you go away.

So when approaching one, it is important that you at least wear a shirt or patch that states something positive about Noam Chomsky.

5. Fun Facts

It takes three College Revolutionaries to change a light bulb: one to protest the corporation that made the bulb, one to question what really happened on 9/11, and one to drive to Wal-Mart to buy a new bulb.

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

This week’s subject: New Jersey Sicilians. More specifically, the Guido species (Newjerseyus Trashus).

Let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The New Jersey Guido can be identified most easily for its distinctive hairstyle, the Blow-Out. Which consists of shaving off the sideburns and gelling the hair into spikes [shown below in Fig 1.1].

The Guido can also be spotted for its noticeably dark, spray tan [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Guido include wife beater t-shirts, steroid-enhanced muscles, and a large jaw-line [see Fig 1.3 below].

2. Where To Find Them

When the Guido is not posting pictures or videos of himself and his friends on the internet, he can be found in the dance clubs of the New Jersey Shore [pictured below Fig 2.1].

Other locations to spot Guidos include construction sites, plumbing services, and clubs (as bouncers)

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Guido include dancing erratically at clubs, drinking Jager Bombs, being racist toward black people, lifting weights, objectifying women, and wearing lip gloss [pictured below in Fig 3.1].

4. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve seen who they are, why not say “Hi” when you see one? Although, a warning: the Guido does not like to be approached. At first he will ask, “What the f*&k you looking at?”, or “You f&*king looking at me?” So it is important that you present yourself as a Guido, so he can relate to you.

And most importantly: Have Fun

-Nick

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