Been wandering the web aimlessly lately. I don’t want to get into it now except to say for every murderous muslim cocksucker there appears to be a gang of apologists and appeasers to justify–there’s no more apt word–to JUSTIFY the evil of the death-cult killers. These fools could just have easily ended up in the crosshairs as the next infidel, and yet here they are, defending the shitbirds.

You can be the most vile piece of shit and commit heinous acts, but those deemed insensitive or politically incorrect are treated even more harshly.

It’s a terrible world.

For no particular reason I watched the 12-part youtube docu about mafia killer-for-hire Richard Kuklinski, “The Iceman”, an equal-opportunity murderer. It was not uplifting. Then I watched a docu about Richard Ramirez, The “Night Stalker”, a craven piece of shit the fucking cops whisked away from mob justice. I’ve been an atheist (and now a tepid monotheist) but with these horrible serial killer bastards running around I understand why anyone would doubt the existence of any god, at least a caring one.

My own life is in the shitter. Not really, but it is. Too much shit left untied, unsaid, while other shit is done sloppily. The past weighs like an anvil on my scrotum. I just hate people and can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m right. I can’t even get the fucking lesbian at work to come eat tacos (ha ha) with me. And no, I don’t want to fuck her, that’s why I can talk to her.

I don’t know if there is such a thing, but there appears to be a dread balance to the world. Things steadily improve but the horrors that counterweigh the good grow heavier and heavier. Smallpox is eradicated, here comes the AIDS. A dictator dies and he’s got 8 bastard sons to take his place. On the rare occasions Good triumphs it’s quickly buried and forgotten so that the next round of fools must needlessly live the same nightmares. I’m so very fucking annoyed with this planet. And there’s work tomorrow, I won’t have another day off till Monday. Work is hell, all work is, but being out of a job is worse (except for the first 20 minutes of waking up).

On many days I simply don’t give a shit. And by “days” I mean “years”.

I am usually a pretty positive person, but today, I feel utterly miserable. It has everything to do with my work environment. It’s hard. I have been out of school since 2005, and I haven’t had a job that I have enjoyed, yet. Not one. There hasn’t been one job where I felt like I could just do my job and that would be it. I have always had some asshole manager that just won’t get off my back. At my current job, I get reprimanded for breathing. Literally, everything I do is wrong. Everything. I know that I am not the brightest person in the world, but I have always been above average. I have had success in almost everything that I have tried. So, how is it now, that ever title, every article that I write is not good enough? Ever design I make needs to be re-done? Every decision I make about planning is not the right one? The only explanation that I can find is that I can not read my bosses mind, and it pisses him off. I can’t even begin to image what the fuck he could want from me. I am a polite, hard-working employee. I don’t get it. I go out of my way to please him, but he is utterly un-pleasable. He is worse than I ever could have dreamed up myself. He is a miserable man, and I want nothing more to not know him anymore.

I haven’t felt this way since 2005, when I worked for this aweful account manager, who coincidentally I bumped in to this week. Out of the blue, there she was, standing in front of me. Get this- she didn’t even remember my name. I have been hating her since 2005 because of all of the stress she put me through, and she only barely remembered my face. She said, “Do I know you?” I remember her first and last name. I remember her favorite sweater, and her jewelery. I hated her so much there is NO way that I could forget her. Not since this evil witch have I felt so completely and totally like I wanted to loose my mind. It’s funny, just as she came to me, she went. It was over. It was anti-climatic.

I realize it’s not worth it, to harbor this hate, to feel this anxiety. It’s not worth it, because in five years from now, my current boss probably won’t remember my name. I don’t want to hate him any longer. I just want out. But where do I go? With a failing economy, the job market isn’t exactly booming. Do I take a pay cut? Do I take anything just to make it stop? Or do I hang on and let him tell me for the next three, four, five months how much he hates me and my work, until finally one day he fires me? Why is work so much like torture? All I want to do is make a little money to support myself, try to enjoy what I am doing, and try to be good at my career. I just want some peace and it seems like it is god damn impossible.

-m2

“Every face contains a map of it all”

I anticipate the Super Bowl each year, mostly to see what creative ads Madison Avenue will come up with.  It’s evident that there has been budget cuts and lay-offs as, on the whole, the Super Bowl ads, um…lacked.

My favorite of the night was actually NBC’s promo for their Monday night line-up.

  Feelin’ Alright

I was mildly entertained by the Potato Head/Bridgestone ad:

….and Pepsi’s Forever Young ad…

  Bob Dylan = will.i.am?  Really?

I have to admit that this generation’s William Shatner, Alec Baldwin is scrumptuous in this Hulu ad:

  TV Only Softens the Brain

However, job worries and satisfaction seemed to have been the ones that hit home the hardest this year:

  Bud Light Budget

  Crystal Ball

  If You Hate Going to Work

  The Other End

The Miller High Life delivery guys sums up the whole ridiculous Super Bowl advertising thing…

Time management hasn’t been my strong suit. With that said, I still resolve to chip away at small goals that i have made for myself, whilst often being disappointed with the amount of time that i am actually able to free up for these activities… i try and remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day.

We all wish that there was more time to do the things we love – of course we do. Just because we all share this lament doesn’t necessarily condemn us to accept it. So many times, i hear the old adage “life isn’t fair” when what people really should be saying is “stop bitching” and just go do whatever it is you are moaning about, or at least try. So many times i have wished for a benefactor to swoop in and fund my most creative and bold pursuits, taking away the burden of distractions – for what is out of my grasps when i have the time to put all of my energy and soul in to a project? There would be endless possibilities. So, i suppose what i am getting at is that the hardest part about life is the juggling act. Keeping three or four things in the air at the same time without dropping one. Balance. It seems the hardest thing to achieve at this juncture.

Simple things like working out four times a week or finding time to go shoot become enormous obstacles in the wake of poor time management. So, i have resigned myself to doing three or four things that are important to me daily- no matter what – in order to foster and establish the tools for a good foundation for some future goals.

One of many goals i have designated for myself is authoring a work. Mrs. parks and i would like to co-author a book someday. This has been frustrating for us for the reason that when we envision writers, we see someone in a bathrobe slaving away all day at a type-writer with cup of coffee and a cigarette. This sounds appealing to us in a romantic, seductive sort of way, but that isn’t quite realistic, is it? It is the romanticized idea of a writer that we have conjured from movies or other books or what have you…The truth is we have to make time for it inbetween everything else. We really have to take it a day at a time, writing at least a page a day. Days when we are tired from work, and want nothing more to sit in front of the TV we have to muster up the discipline to write that page. This speaks about any and all goals we have. If we can’t be disciplined enough to balance our time more efficiently, we will never be able to finish any side projects. It has to be important. Otherwise all we will end up with is a pension and a gold watch after thirty years, and who wants that? Things are never permanent unless you want them that way. If you lack the discipline to change your life than it will undoubtedly stay the same. The time is precious that we have, and the is no sense in whining about what we wish were different – change it. You’ll find, surprisingly so, that so many of the things you want to change so desperately, end up changing you in the end, and quite often sneak back into your life in some weird cosmic way later on. Take things as they come, confront them head on and then move on to the next, a page at a time…

actually, this is a copy of the email i sent to myself…too ambitous? Not for some…

Look up and find out how to get short stories published.
(write a page a day)

Find instruction on how to take better photos.
(weekends go shoot)

Find out how to start an online company.
(any spare time)

Build my work out bench.

Workout.
(3 times a week at least)

Vitamins.

i’m starting to understand the helpless uneasiness that gus seems to feel when mr. parks and i leave him at home alone. true, this is a relatively rare phenomenon, seeing as we usually prefer to all be lounging within a very close proximity to one another, but when it does happen, gus is demonstrably displeased. from andy, i’ve heard that gus will pace anxiously and peer out the window hopefully at each passing car. when we finally do arrive home, we see his little black nose and curious eyes watching us from the bedroom window, eager to determine if it is indeed us.

i am starting to exhibit the human version of these sentiments. i have been spoiled for most of the time that mr. parks and i have been together. i’ve been in school the entire time, which lends itself to an atypical and flexible schedule, so that i have been free to spend time with him with few restraints. he was also in school for a year of our time together, which meant that we both could structure our shedules to spend the maximum amount of time together. the semester that we were apart, i was flying to california about every two weeks for another fun weekend adventure.

when we finally moved back to ohio together, i became even more spoiled with not only his company, but my brother’s. since both of them just graduated, they were busy interviewing and looking for jobs – but without any regular schedule tearing them away from our homestead. no, they were both around and the three of us were fortunate enough to have tons of time to spend together.

then, it all came to a crashing halt. andy started working, and mr. parks quickly followed. suddenly, i felt like gus – alone and anxious for my little family to return. it’s been a much more difficult transition than i expected. i was really accustomed to never being alone in this big, quiet, victorian house, and now it seems to be the norm. sure, i have classes (just started my last semester last week), but as we all know, being in school affords you quite a lenient schedule. and, since i can get my work out of the way pretty quickly, i find that this lonliness that i am experiencing to be even more magnified.

don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for the both of them that they’ve found jobs and all the accompanying congratualatory niceities, but the bottom line is: I MISS THEM!!!! it makes me even more determined to formulate some sort of future business in which we can work together. our quality of life would grow exponentially, and i would work so hard towards something that is ours; that we create together.

until then, i’ll do my best to finish up this semester without counting down the minutes until they get home too much!! wait…is that them???? i think i heard a car….

Working for a private enterprise (which will remain nameless) like the one i currently work for, has proven to be challenging on many levels. It seems that the caliber of people that i associate with each day unconsciously motivates me to be “on” at all times, which has proved to be somewhat draining. I suppose that i will get used to the pace and influx of information, not to mention the expectations of a standard of work ethic and attentiveness unfamiliar previously…to put it simply, it ain’t like working at Starbucks or Nordstrom.

There is so much business vernacular and jargon that day to day, i don’t use – obviously. I prefer my days to be filled with making fun of celebrities and laughing at peculiar but yet somewhat mundane observations of the human race and society – not necessarily discussing corporate audits and strategy decks. I don’t care about putting things on my action item list or emailing, or if the icon is cornflower blue or granite. The work lends itself to a creative result, but the details of day to day office shit is a bit mundane. I HATE copiers. I guess my point is (and friends of mine will probably say, “welcome to the real world” in a somewhat condescending and patronising manner, which i attribute to the inability to see any other worldview because of social conditioning) that i have realized in a mere three days of “office” work that faking the corporate attitude, saying good morning twenty times an hour, making thousands of copies, sitting in on multiple conference calls and staff meetings is not exactly what i had in mind for the next thirty years. Not to disparage the obvious opportunities for growth, and intrinsic value of working with a successful marketing firm, but this kind of work only reinforces my gravitation for the arts. By that i mean i feel that i lack social graces and more importantly the desire to feign interest in what these people do. Having said that, i want to say that what my job entails is perhaps one of the most creative sectors of the marketing business, and there is a real opportunity to get my hands dirty in some real creative endeavors within the company, and that appeals to me, it’s just that i feel like i am more of a solo artist. I work best alone, without the pressure of supervisors and people looking over your shoulder. I could do without the worry of performance anxiety and fear of inadequacy.

Don’t get me wrong, i love this company, i think what they do is original and inventive, and in the scheme of things i can’t think of a better place to be, it’s just that there is still a longing for a more meaningful personal line of work. I know that this job will present me with great opportunities in the future and the potential for learning, and i DO have a positive attitude, it’s just that i have to have a place to vent the few items that don’t totally click in the here and now…I look forward to learning more and perhaps to a more involved role in the organization that will give me an evolved sense of purpose within.

That’s all for now…i don’t hate my job my any means…i am just intimidated by it i think, and anxious to be a bigger player for them. After all…it’s only been three days.

By Grown-up i mean something that requires you to use your brain, and your new employer banks on the fact that you are competent and able to do a job well. Funny thing is, on paper, i probably seem average in ability and smarts, maybe less than average. That’s ok- i mean i know that GPA and credentials don’t necessarily disqualify you or brand you as an incompetent, but it does make the job hunt more difficult. Most employers are not interested in gauging an applicant on the basis of a personal interaction (an interview). They take a brief look over your resume and cover letter, and then decide in those few seconds if they want something you have to offer. The resume is such a narrow slice of the overall ability of an applicant. So, if you are like me, and in the event that you get an interview, you really have to shine, or get lucky. I guess i did just that…because they gave it to me…darnds’t thing.

Catching everyone up to speed, i had probably the greatest interview to date yesterday. The company is probably the best communications and brand/ad firm in the Midwest, and i think that i answered every question right. It was if i almost had a preternatural understanding – as if there were visceral, gut impulses guiding me through the thirty minutes of typically what i would call hell. I basically forgot about everything you are “supposed” to do in an interview and was able to relax and actually, for once talk to a human being instead of a programed suit.

The feeling i get is i’m hired. Well, contingent on a three or four month paid internship that will not open up until December – in which i will of course take – in fact beg for. I see a real future with this company.

In the meantime i have been looking for something a little with a little less responsibility. Keep you posted on that…

By the way, i hate Rush Limbaugh. I love MJFox. Rush, have a little compassion.

Today i have to go and look for a job again.  The wonderful process of exerting maximum effort for little pay off.  I guess i’m not easily categorized or qualified for typical positions in the world.  You would think this is a good thing…makes me truly authentic right?  (or is that the nice way of saying i have no applicable skills??) Well, today i will just focus on this wine thing i have going…oh, yeah that is a later post.  If all else fails i might beg Nordstrom to hire me back.  Christmas pays really good there.  Boo HOO.

Have a nice day.

The world of corporate business and three-piece suits eludes me. This will be officially my fifth week looking for work. The post graduate world is somewhat misleading. I mean, i knew that they didn’t hand out jobs with your diploma or anything but, somewhere along the line, someone forget to tell the graduate something.

Misconception #1: It doesn’t matter what you major is.

This is total crap. It does. It matters a lot if you majored in 18th century literature, or basketweaving.

It seems the employer really doesn’t care. The discourse that takes place in that twenty minute interview really doesn’t mean anything to either party. The employer knows within seconds if you have what he/she needs, and it means nothing to you unless he/she is ready to hire you. I mean really, i don’t want to go in and throw around business terms and pretend to know what his company does – i don’t (and he knows it). I kind of just want to say, “hey, i don’t know anything because i don’t work here, but i can learn, and i’m here because i need money.” Maybe that kind of honesty could impress someone??! Probably not. We are all programed what to say and how to act, and that is pretty much how everyone conducts themselves in those precious twenty minutes in which you are supposed to present the employer with who you really are…that is a laugh. Not to be overly negative, but it is a struggle to maintain integrity, and focused career goals, without lying to yourself and the employer. Weird world isn’t it?