The only people who came to our Los Angeles show were the ten people who were L.A. friends of the people in the show. So they cancelled the show.

I’m starting to discover a pattern: The more a show gets promoted, the more people come.

The mountains below us, the sky above us, the sun within our eyes, we travel on. The streets, paved with the blood of the wicked, carry our cursed caravan into the heart of the mouth of madness.

The theatre was called Orpheum.

The sound check was wonderful: It was quite efficient for the engineer to just have us all raise our hands at first, and then lower them if, as he adjusted the levels in our individual monitors, we were satisfied with what we could hear.

That would have been all we needed for a good show. But then the people showed up. It looked like a few hundred people, all there to see us perform, and they all paid to get in.

Why was the show so successful? I think there can be only one answer: 60 inch posters.

The comedy love team, the Andersons.

We performed inside this cube.

We performed at a bar called 910 Live. It was dark and shiny in there, and the stage was sturdy and flat. 109 people watched the show (109 is an anagram for 910). We are now rich.

Thanks.

The Launchpad

The city of Albuquerque is decorated with terracotta and turquoise-colored tiles. It has the atmosphere in the summer of a living room on a quiet evening. The streets are not full of the hustle and bustle of the big city, but are relaxed and easy. Every business has a rocket ship theme, including the venue at which we performed, the Launchpad.

The venue was described to me as “just a dive bar.” But it was way cleaner than your average dive bar. The floor was clean enough to touch. The lighting was well done. It smelled nice. The people were great. One of the guest burlesque dancers, Ann Gora, bought my poster.

This show didn’t have the biggest audience, but we played well and they liked it.

I like this city. Today is my birthday. I don’t need to blog anymore.

The Cowgirl Cafe

On our way to Bash Riprock’s, we stopped at a place called the Cowgirl Cafe. It was a typical country restaurant, with a very awesome mural on the side: a picture of two happy cowgirls smiling at me.

In the background is Camilla Cupcake, Marcella la Salsa and the Vivacious Miss Audacious

Lubbock, Texas is the birthplace of the original king of rock and roll, Buddy Holly. He changed his name from Holley to Holly for show business. 74 years later, Super Happy Funtime Burlesque arrived to put on a show for the citizens of this town, who still mourn the loss of their beloved leader.

The venue was called Bash Riprock’s. I have no idea why.

Though the audience was modestly sized, they were not modest with their approval of the show. They were very nice, and though the alcohol helped to make for some tense moments during the show, at the end, everyone was happy, smiling and hugging each other in congratulatory splendor.

The owner gave us shots.

Texas is truly like a different country, and we could feel that change the moment we crossed the border. The people in the audience were awesome. I met someone named Schmoo (sp?) and Peak (sp?). A couple named Aaron and Ashley, who were especially appreciative of the show, let us all sleep on their floor. Unfortunately, we had to leave their nicely air-conditioned home well before we had gotten a decent night’s sleep so we could get to Albuqwerty, New Mexico.

Thanks, Texas, for going easy on us.

For more info:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/bash-riprocks-in-lubbock

This is a window within the Hi-Dive. This is just a few band stickers of the approximately 7 billion that exist in the U.S.

Denver, Colorado is nicknamed the “mile-high city,” and for good reason: it is exactly 5280 feet above sea level, although there’s no sea in sight. The air in Denver is so thin that you can barely see it. There are exactly 17 tall buildings in downtown Denver. All of the streets are made of bear skin. In Denver, it only snows one day out of the year: Tuesday. I’m glad we were not there on a Tuesday. The city of Denver has a population of approximately 600,000 people. That’s about 1/10,000 of the population of the Earth. That means if you put 10,000 Denvers on top of each other, it would weigh as much as the Earth.

We performed at a venue called the Hi-dive, which was aptly named, on account of the altitude and the smell.

Here’s why I liked this show: We got free meals, which were amazing. The place was packed. Everyone had fun. We had a good sound check. We had a green room. We had plenty of time before the show to relax.

I would love to play there again.

For more information:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/25973612

This is what the Record Bar looks like from outside.

We pulled into a strip mall. The candy coatings had broken apart, and the liquified peanut butter centers were leaking into the bag. The asphalt smelled awful. We hated everything. Would we even be able to make it through another show? We were on the verge of strangling each other.

But for the following reasons, we had a good night:
1.It rained
2.Free pizza
3.Really nice staff
4.A real photo booth
5.A modestly sized but very receptive audience
6.Great sound guy

The venue was called the Record Bar.

Here are two things that happened while on the road:

The first is a dream I had while lying on the floor of the van sleeping on the road in Kansas: I was lying on the floor of the van sleeping, but my eyes were open and my body was paralyzed. The cymbal bag and bass amplifier were about to fall out of the side of the car, and I was powerless to stop them, on account of my being paralyzed. With all my strength, I tried to make myself say the words “stop the car” over and over again, to no avail. The words would not come out. So instead, I jerked my neck back and forth about fifty times until I finally woke up to find that we were actually in no danger of dropping equipment on the road. I have these kinds of dreams at least 50 percent of the time I sleep with lights on (or outside in the daytime).

I fell asleep again and had this dream: Brandon, the show’s keyboardist, was driving the car (as he was in real life), and we came upon a major sandstorm and “brown-out” conditions. All the traffic had backed up to wait out the storm, but we were plowing ahead and paying no attention to the stopped cars. I woke up before anything happened.

The torn-up rim and the spare tire. The amp broke.

The second thing that happened was the following thing: The RV had overtaken the van by at least 20 miles (that was the range of our walkie-talkies), so we were not behind them like we usually are.  During this time apart, the right tire of the equipment trailer started disintegrating. The force of the rubber flapping around at 70 mph dented the metal wheel well, and presumably ripped it off and sent it flying into a ditch. Since there are already so many noises happening in the RV (like jars of peanut butter falling over, and beds shaking), no one in the RV noticed the sound of the right rim on the trailer scraping on the ground. 8 miles later, when they finally realized something was amiss, the rim was about 2 inches less in radius and completely unusable. We got a mechanic to come out and help us put on the spare. Then he took it to his shop where he had to pull the tufts of steel reinforcing wire from the axle that it had wrapped around hundreds of times (good sentence, huh?). Then, it turned out that we needed a replacement part. This part was so rare, that he had to drive, boat and balloon many miles all the way to the Far East to find it, and the store that had it only had one in stock, on a bed of straw inside a small wicker basket, stored between a mogwai and an ancient oil lamp in the back of a damp basement. Also the store was minutes away from closing for the day. If he had not gotten that part, we would have had to cancel our show that night. As it happens, we did the show, and it was fantastic. A million people showed up to this club and were super enthusiastic and supportive. The club was in Colorado Springs and was called the Triple Nickel. The people there were awesome and we did a great show. Of course, all this shaking and the dust that was generated from the trailer problem had ruined the guitar amp. So half-way through the set, the guitar amp started to malfunction. Nevertheless, we played through it and gave the audience a show they won’t soon forget…although I’m pretty sure a few of them will forget everything they did that night, but I won’t hold that against them.

Stay tuned for two blogs: one about the previous night in Kansas City, and one about the next night in Denver.

For more information:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/not-in-kansas-anymore

Lincoln, NE. What can I say about Lincoln, NE? The city was as hot as the surface of the sun. The concrete was melting, and sending its noxious fumes and reflected sunlight up to our feet and chins. We were being cooked from above and below, like a waffle iron. Our shoes were fused to the sidewalk. Our hair was catching fire and turning to ash. Our blood boiled. We smoked cigarettes without using lighters. Then we played a show at Knickerbockers. We put on a good show for a few people and had a good time. Then it was back to the campground where we did sacred incantations around a fire and we each sampled from a bowl of Soul-juice.

In the morning, we made our way to Lawrence, Kansas, a city named after the famous comedienne. When we arrived, we made our way to the Grenada theatre, a theatre named after the famous country. Once inside, we made our way to the stage, and put on a fabulous show for a decently-sized crowd of gracious people. Everyone gave 100% and we all had a great time. Afterward, a very generous audience member named Jessica took us into our home and let us stay there for the night. She is awesome. She even showed us her special large cooking cauldron, which she keeps in her kitchen, and her human bone collection, which she keeps haphazardly strewn about her back lawn.

What hospitality!

For more information:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/lincoln-nebraska-pt-2
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/camp-a-way-lincoln-nebraska

And it was off to Des Moines, IA and the Vaudeville Mews. We arrived a bit too early to get into the venue, so we waited outside in the blistering heat of the sun with no cool, shady sanctuary to escape to (the electrics were on the blink in the RV, so the fan was off and it had turned into a bikram yoga center).

When the door to the Mews was finally open, the blast of cool air that greeted us was so refreshing that we all just shut down and stopped moving for the rest of the evening, until the show began.

We performed for the people.

Then we had to load 3000 pounds of fragile equipment in a giant thunderstorm. We had to get from Des Moines to Lincoln, NE by 7am so we could get the RV looked at. On the way, we had to stop to wait for the rain to let up, and during that time, we saw a light from the sky explode something on the horizon, and a large section of the city just went black.

We made it, though, and now we are sleeping.

For more information:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/vaudeville-mews-the-monsoon

or Joe the Cabdriver’s tale from the RV:
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150122777433018&notif_t=note_tag

Flash forward to August 7th, 2010. Each day feels like a week, and each week a month, and every album feels like a double album. We came to the club Club David in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Inside, it was dark with lots of shiny things, and colored ambient lighting. Despite allowing smoking inside, it smelled quite fresh. It was one of the smoothest set-ups so far, and the audience was large and appreciative. The moment we were done, it turned into a techno dance party, and we went to Evan’s house to sleep on his floor. Thank you!

For more information:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/club-david

Iowa city. The club the Blue Moose. We unloaded the equipment from the trailer and carried it into a dark and dirty alley, up a narrow, precarious, steel staircase and onto the damp roof. Once the equipment was brought to the stage, we set up. Soon after, we did a sound check. The sound check successfully completed, we got into our stage outfits and prepared to put on a show for an audience that would presumably arrive at the start of the show.

Fortunately for us, that audience did arrive, and we put on an entertainment for them that they perhaps would not soon forget. A very nice woman named Rachel allowed us to sleep in her house, and we did.

We woke up four hours later and drove to Sioux Falls, SD.

For more information:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/iowa-city-check

Forgive the bad sentences. My brain is all messed up from being tired.

I’ve been so busy that I haven’t updated anyone on the Super Happy Funtime Burlesque tour. Well, now I have a day off, so here I go.

We played three [pretty much] sold out shows in Michigan. I am playing bass guitar and saxophone and I sing backup vocals. The band is the End Times Orchestra. Those three awesome, well attended shows gave us the shot in the arm we needed to make it through this month.

Our first stop was in Cudahy, WI at Vnuk’s lounge. This was our first out of state show of the tour, and it went splendidly. We made a good impression on the locals. Before we knew it, we were back to packing up the trailer.

A very nice man put us up in his house for the night, too. We slept for a very short time. I don’t know why.

Stay tuned for the next update.

For more info:
http://tour.superhappyfuntimeburlesque.com/wisconsin-adventures

I arrived at the festival after a beautiful night of sleeping in perhaps the most wonderful house ever built, in my own private bedroom. After that great sleep, we took off for the festival, which was held on a farm in the middle of nowhere in Ionia, MI. All the people there were friends, and they were all awesome. I was to play last, so I got to watch a lot of bands before performing. I can’t remember how many, but it was a lot.

My favorite song of the evening was a song whose chorus was “Tomorrow’s just today when today is yesterday,” by the mock-rock band, Young Dan Tucker. Another favorite moment was when the Cartridge Family read aloud a cease-and-desist letter from the city of Lansing, and then burned it. It’s funny that the city of Lansing would ban that band for “violating human rights” and “cult behavior” just because they jump around a lot and occasionally fall on people. If Lansing wants to ban something, they might want to start with the public comment section of the city council meetings.

My show started just after the sun went down. They hadn’t planned on having me play that late, so there were no lights. We had an intimate time in the dark. I played my songs to what seemed like a large crowd, and they were awesome. They danced, they sang along, and we all had a great time.

There was nothing wrong about the whole day. Everything went right that day. It was a good welcome to my home state.

I want to thank GTG, and the sound people, and the McCords and the Richards and the Danbys and people who brought and made food, and whoever paid for the portable toilets, and all the people who made that whole day a good time.

Then the stars came out. I haven’t seen stars like that in a while.

In Minneapolis, which has a lot of nicknames, the coolest being “the City of Flour and Sawdust,” I performed at Bedlam and shared the bill with Prima Donahue, another one-person act. We decided to perform in the bar instead of the theatre so that the inevitably small audience would look larger. The sound was great, and the audience had a great time, it seemed, and I had a great time, and I would like to thank my friend Austin for his hospitality.

That’s all the blogging I have in me.

I performed with like a million bands.

Local bands Cozy Catastrophe and Merrick played, followed by three touring acts, Black Wine, No How On, and me. The evening was brought to a close by a punk band that apparently had been formed as a joke.

It was a wonderful night. Great people, great music, great food, and more great people.

Special thanks to Emily and Chris for the unrelenting hospitality.

The gods must have been looking out for me that day, because for stopping in this town (which the day before I was planning to skip altogether, since it’s a bit out of the way) I was rewarded with one of the best open mic experiences I’ve had.

Too often, I find myself in situations where I have decided, on the hottest of days, to wander aimlessly along the concrete in a place where there is no protection from the oppressive heat blast of the sun. On this day, I had also not showered, because I slept in my car (on top of the parking break and seatbelts), and I had been drinking gas station tap water that tasted suspiciously like sulfur.

I smart-thinkingly parked under a row of trees (for Bismarck is a Tree City USA) near the first coffeeshop I saw. My goal was to find internet and then to find an open mic. I walked into the coffeeshop, and it was closed. So, I walked a few blocks and found another coffeeshop. They had $2 per half hour wireless, which I reluctantly paid, since wireless is a bit harder to come by in this state (unless of course you are at a rest area along i-94), and anyway, I wanted to get out of the horrifying yellow heat of the sun, and the stinking steam of the sidewalk.

Using the internet I found three open mic listings. The first one I checked out had shut down years ago. The place used to be a coffeehouse, but had since converted into a musical instrument store. They still had the old sign out front, which confused me a lot when I walked in to find a bunch of guitars and amps and no coffee. My second lead was at a youth center. When I walked into that place, which had advertised heavily on the internet as being a place for a thursday open mic, the guy working the counter had no idea what I was talking about. At this point, I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t let it get me down though; after all, I wasn’t expecting anything this day. But my third lead turned out to be a good one: Mr. Delicious.

I wandered around aimlessly for a couple more hours until I finally decided to go to Mr. Delicious, see if their food lived up to the name, and just chill out until the open mic started.

When the open mic started everyone in town showed up. The sun had gone down and we were left with what I considered a perfect temperature. I immediately met some awesome people, I put on a good performance, got some great feedback, sold some cd’s, met more people, saw some wonderful performers (including 3 writers who did some impressive spoken word), and had a great night. I’m glad I didn’t pass Bismarck, and I definitely will be back.

You should go there too if you get a chance.

Thanks Justin, Kristopher, Tyler, Oliver, Aaron (sp?), and everyone else who was cool and supportive, and Laura for the rhubarb/raspberry jam.

On the 30th I had a show in Billings, MT, at a venue called Yellowstone Perk. The venue was set a little bit outside of the city away from everything. When I finally arrived at the place, I wasn’t sure if it was still in operation or not. It was completely silent and there was no activity anywhere.

Near the entrance was a sign on a post with a picture of an ice cream cone, and a rectangular building with no markings. The only features on the building were a couple of windows, presumably for serving ice cream.

Behind that building was another smaller building that clearly stated this was a place that served pizza.

Beyond that to the left was a gate leading to a giant field of grass, and a collection of movie-western style fake storefronts. Well, some of them looked like they were from the wild west, and some of them looked like they were from the middle of the last century. Some of them looked real and some of them looked very cartoony, as if each facade were constructed by a different person, but they were all nailed together as one structure.

In the middle was a yard full of old cars and a bus. To the right of that was the stage, with two gigantic speakers, in cabinets of concrete, unlike anything I had ever seen in my life.

It was so empty and silent that I feared it was the wrong day. But my fears vanished when Don came out and told me what to expect for the night. Then Derek, the guy running the show, showed up. And then bands started showing up and setting up, and local kids showed up.

They started playing metal music from an mp3 player through those giant speakers and I worried that these people might not like my music. But a lot of the people there had checked out my music beforehand, and they knew what they were getting into, musically, with me. And it turned out that they really liked my performance. They danced, they laughed, and they enjoyed themselves, and they were very nice after I was done.

The other bands that played were mostly metal. I was completely blown away by the complexity of their song structures and the proficiency of their playing, especially considering how young they were (mostly teenagers, I think). They were doing things on guitar I have only dreamed about doing.

The whole night was positive, and I hope to go back to the Yellowstone Perk and play again.

other bands that played:

The Ivory Sun, Wake the Forsaken, Posthumous, and Fallen is Babylon

I arrived at the Empyrean at around 7:10, and luckily the show hadn’t started yet, and I was not the first act. Since I hadn’t had time to prepare my cd’s, I had to spraypaint and stamp my cd’s and put all the album covers into the cases while listening to the show. I can’t believe I got any of it done. I got to hear some excellent non-fiction storytelling and the political folk of Adam Kogler before it was my turn to take the stage. Luckily, I had rested and drunk plenty of room temperature water.

I did a quick sound check while dressed in my costume, and played my set. I managed to completely forget the lyrics to the second song (Riverpeople in the River), so I just stopped it half way through and moved on to the next song. I was so excited and happy to be there that I don’t think anyone cared. I had a really good time, and the audience in Spokane was amazing. People were very nice to me after I played, and I even signed a couple autographs!

Then Kurt (sp?) went up and did some very intense poetry, followed by Liz Rognes, who did an awesome set with her band.

So, it was a good night.

That is all.

This is a video of my radio appearance at Impact 88.9′s “The Basement.” Featured here is my new “Unicornometer” technology, which reads my thoughts in real-time. Enjoy this video.

My good friend, Johnny Unicorn is good at doing what needs to be done. His perseverence and competence coupled with an intense drive has kept him busy and productive doing what he loves: making music.

He was recently featured on Lansing, Michigan’s college radio station Impact 88.9′s show, “The Basement.” The above video features an interview, in-studio performance and meta-commentary by Johnny Unicorn, himself.

Johnny Unicorn currently lives in Michigan, but frequently travels to Los Angeles. His full bio can be read: HERE

The tour dates can be found here:
Head and Toe

Show us your love:
Special Dental Team
Lapdancer
Johnny Unicorn
Furendo

We have some labels in mind, but are open to working with DIY/independent labels looking to promote unsolicited artists (preferably labels with an attention to artistic detail and diversity). If you are interested, please leave your contact information in the form of a comment or email the webmaster directly for more information. A link to your label is also appreciated.

Special Dental Team’s onstage fervor and groove oriented technical arrangements have been praised by fans in the Midwest and a slew of national American touring acts.

Thank you for reading.

From 2002 to 2003 I (the editor of “The Eyeslit Crypt”) participated as the bassist for a band called “Special Dental Team.” Earlier this week, five years after disseminating across the globe, we converged for a special night of indie-country-punk-prog spirituals at the DAAC (Division Avenue Arts Cooperative) in Grand Rapids, MI, USA. Those who have followed my musical journeys (Lapdancer, Friend AKA Furendo, DJ Nightspore, Sorror, etc.) may have been informed of this show, but to those readers spread out across this vast globe checking local zines and other publications, we kept this show somewhat secret, relying on local grassroots marketing and word-of-mouth. Luckily, the word spread far and wide.

Video and audio footage captured the splendor of the evening and for those die-hard Dental Team fans, I’m sure video and/or audio footage will be available in the near future. I will post the set-list for your future reference:

Spirit Journey 2008 Set-List

My Baby’s in School (new)
Pickle Pocket (new)
Under the Gun (remix)
Hello Sunny (banjo remix)
Purple Horse/Purple Pony (extended mix)
Spank Party Pillow Fight
Hemogoblin (restructured)
Soft (w/violin bow soundscapes)
Skinnydippin Dub
Dress Up Dress Down
Rooster Killer
I’ve Always Only Wanted to Love You (w/spoken word intro)
Sweet Home Alabama/The Star Spangled Banner

ENCORE (20 mins. after show): The Murls are Spurling (for Saunders)

After the show finished and after waiting about 20 minutes, spurred on by GR’s own “Mr. Squid,” we performed an intimate version of “The Murls are Spurling.”

We performed with two amazing acts. The first, “Clear Days Always”, provided a blissfully blistering beginning to the evening, complete with vocal harmonies and jaggedly beautiful psycho pop songs ala Self-Satisfied Records’ frontman Levi Bailey. The second act, “Animals in Bed”, gave a lush beautiful atmosphere, which calmed the kiddies while simultaneously entrancing everyone with expertly executed voice percussion and soaring female vocals. The yin and yang of the first two acts perfectly paved the way for the Special Dental Team “Spirit Journey” performance.

Thank you to “Clear Days Always” and “Animals in Bed” for mesmerizing music and complete professionalism. Levi: I wish you would have stuck around longer as your original artwork is amazing. Also, thanks to Animals in Bed own Alex Hamel for providing live sound support. Thank you to the lovely man who purchased the rare “Spirit Journey” poster. We love you. Also, thank you to all who came to make the night air come alive and for lending us your ears and allowing us to show you what we have been working on. Finally, thanks to Sam (Hot Tapes for Teens) for discussing noise and for doing a great job. We will be in touch.

Links of interest:

Special Dental Team
Animals in Bed
Clear Days Always
The DAAC