This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize. A cousin of mine passed it on to me, and I thought it to be the perfect Christmas week Hilarious Hump Day post. Enjoy!

~~~~~ 

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go, you’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, ‘What does this do?’ ‘You’re kidding me!’ ‘Who would buy that?’ Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. ‘Love Dolls’ come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.’ She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a ‘doll’ took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. ‘What the hell is that?’ she said.

My brother quickly explained, ‘It’s a doll.’

‘Who would play with something like that?’ Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

‘Where are her clothes?’ Granny continued.

‘Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,’ Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. ‘Why doesn’t she have any teeth?’

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, ‘Hang on Granny, hang on!’

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ‘Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?’

I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can’t wait till next Christmas.

~~~~~

Click on Tweety Bird and Tweet this post if you liked it!

More on the human rights situation in Africa here.

Yet another funny design by Lamborati – they just keep coming up with the good stuff.

Sex Is So Last Night T-Shirt by Lamborati

http://www.zazzle.com.au/sex_is_so_last_night_t_shirt-235920806845602267

For more funny stuff by Lamborati:
http://www.zazzle.com.au/lamborati/gifts

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

*rolls on the floor laughing…takes a break to take the inhaler…and then resumes again*

Anyways, The movies supposed to be hitting Majestic at the start of Jan, must go watch this nonsense… Only for Jacob of course. Hehehe *sparkley eyed!*

End Sexism - Respect the Bitches T-shirt By Lamborati

 http://www.zazzle.com.au/end_sexism_respect_the_bitches_t_shirt-235209172981904569

“Every joke is a tiny revolution.” (George Orwell)

Bitches Don't Like Sexism T-shirt by Lamborati

http://www.zazzle.com.au/bitches_dont_like_sexism_tshirt-235275831989080271

Unlimited Demand (An Index Card Novel)

# – # – #

“What did you do before the Shumer Hit The Fan, Uncle?”

The fat old white guy was old. Very old by the standards of the day. When the S did HTF, (Who cares which particular S it was. We all know that one of them will.), many people died.

“Well, Bobbie Jo, I was a sheeple like most folks. But maybe a little sharper than your average sheeple.” He laughed. “I read the various survivalist sites. I knew I was NOT John Rambo, or wealthy like Howard Hughes. And, what was the one thing that every survivalist writer or story teller harped on?”

“What Unlce? Tell us!”

“Toilet Paper!”

“Wahhh????”

“Yup, I studied how I’d make TP after the S hit the F.”

# – # – #

In the Seventies, Johnny Carson made a joke about the United States facing an acute shortage of toilet paper. This prompts viewers to run out to stores and begin hoarding.

# – # – #

The fat old old white guy explained:

It was after a home construction project that created a lot of sawdust that I had the idea. I had a discarded blender. And a dream, of a profession after the S hit the F! I put the sawdust into a blender. A dash of hand lotion and a little water. Puree. Pour over a screen. Spread like butter. Roll it with a dowel as thick or as thin as you like. Cover screen with a towel. Cover with a board. Put something heavy on it. (I drove my car on it.) Stack your sheets after they’ve dried completely.

It was really just taking that experience and adjusting it to post SHTF scenario. I used a chipper to make mulch. Then, an old hamburger “drill” to make “sawdust”. Hydralic jack to squeeze it. Sunshine to dry it.

My prototype could push out a computer box of TP every sunny day. On bad days, I focused on making work in process up to the drying. On good days, I focued on drying.

Since I had that part of my act together, when the S did hit the F, I was the TP king.

And that children is how I became fabulously wealthy after the S hit the F.

# # # # #

Two days until Christmas Eve. The wife is out shopping as I write this. I just gave her my Christmas list last night.

Strangely, while trying to figure out what I wanted for Christmas….I had a major mind fart and drew a total blank.

I would like millions of dollars, to be 150lbs lighter, to have all my hair back, and for Sarah Palin to just spontaneously combust into a pile of ashes…….But all those dreams are NOT going to happen….

I recently opened our cell phone bill and discovered $30 in ring tone charges on our bill.

All were attributed to our sons cell phone.

When questioned, he employed the classic “I dunnnnooooooooooo” defense when asked how those charges came to be on our bill.

“I Dunnnooooooo…..I didn’t download anything……honest!” he whimpered.

Officer Mom confiscated the cell phone in question and did an intricate technical analysis of the phone and it’s internal components and software. ( I don’t even know how to turn his damn phone on or off)

The search of the device revealed the presence of all the ring tone downloads in question.

The Juvenile was presented with this evidence and declined legal representation.

He again asserted that he had NOT downloaded any of the ring tones in question.

When told that it was highly unlikely that either of his parents would have downloaded any ring tones that contained the words “Ho!” or “Booty” in the titles…….the juvenile suspect decided to change his course of defense.

With a large amount of dramatic tears, wailing, and flailing of arms, the boy described a sinister conspiracy that he believes led to the previously mentioned “Ho” and “Booty” ring tones being downloaded to HIS cell phone…..

Apparently, during his most recent Middle School Basketball Game road trip, our dear son, exhausted from a hard days work studying and reading, decided to nap while on the bus trip to the game. During this nap, some other suspect or suspects out of the 2 dozen 12yr old and 13yr old boys riding the school bus at 3pm in the afternoon….made access to our sons phone…..and downloaded all the offending songs….as our innocent little angel slept. He went on to explain that he had no idea that the songs were even on his phone until we approached him about the charges on the bill.

My wife and I looked at each other.

“Sounds perfectly rational to us“

I have always remarked that I feel like I need a tetanus shot after spending any extended amounts of time in any WAL-MART.

I spent some time in a DOLLAR GENERAL store the other day. I think I need a Full-Body Hazmat Chemical Scrub in a decontamination tent after that lovely experience. DOLLAR GENERAL is for people who cannot afford the class and sophistication of WAL-MART.

Ya Know “FLO”, the strangely addictive woman on the Progressive Insurance commercials? Got her Autograph yesterday. It’s on the autograph blog.

The Autograph blog is nearing the 1 MILLION views mark. At this pace, it should reach a million by the third week in January. Unbelievable!

Farrah Fawcett is still the most viewed, with Kaley Cuoco now in 2nd place.

Earlier this weekend Peaches Geldof, tweeted about Miley Cyrus being dead and it being a rumor. The Mirror.co.uk posted an article today about the twitter post:

Peaches Geldof should think before she tweets.

Sir Bob’s girl told her fans in a tasteless joke that teen queen Miley Cyrus was dead. Then when she got in trouble she had to pull the message and apologize.

Fans will be pleased to hear Miley plans to return to the UK soon, where she has set the record for the biggest attendance at the O2 Arena in London.

Trying to say sorry to Miley, Peaches said: “Didn’t want to cause distress by tweeting that I’d heard that Miley had died. Turns out it was thankfully a rumour. Glad to hear that x”

We are too… idiot.

SOURCE: Mirror.co.uk.

I was searching for some exam related keyword in google and came across a yahoo! answer post. Check out this screenshot. This entry is deleted probably by yahoo! answer moderator or the user himself. But Google cache still shows the content for The probability I’m going to pass my exam today?

Here is the full transcript.

Question:
The probability I’m going to pass my exam today?
I was going to pull an all-nighter but I haven’t slept in 2 days because I had an exam on Thursday and Friday. So I fell asleep on my desk last night. Now instead of having reviewed for 7 hours. I was freaking asleep. OH MY GOD. I’m going Die.

Answer 1:
and your on here…. shouldn’t you be studying???

Answer 2:
it’s better than falling asleep during the exam have fun!
peace

Jokes apart I hope that kid will pass the exam .

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood.  She asked the defendant, “What are you being prosecuted for?”
 

“Doing my Christmas shopping too early,” replied the defendant.
 

“That’s not a crime,” replied Judge Judy.
 

“How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?”
 

“Before the store opened,” replied the defendant! :p =))

Are You a Republican, Democrat, or Southerner?
The answer can be found by answering the following question:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

Republican’s Answer:
BANG!
Democrat’s Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Southerner’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click “Damn! I’m out!”
Daughter: “Nice pattern Daddy! Were those the Silver Tips, black talons, or them new Hollow Points?”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one Daddy?”
Wife: “You ain’t takin’ THAT to no Taxidermist!”

On a nice sunny day in Smurf Village Investigator Smurf came running up to Papa Smurf yelling: “Papa Smurf! Papa Smurf!”
“What is it Investigator Smurf?” Papa Smuf said.
“Body Smurf has been smurffed!”
Papa Smurf paused then asked: “What?” with a confused look on his face
“Some one smurffed him them smurffed out his smurf, smurf and smurf!”
“I have no-” Before Papa Smurf could finish Smurfette ran to Papa Smurf crying.
“Papa Smurf! Papa Smurf! I’ve been smurfed!” Smurfette said sobbing.
“What?” Papa Smurf asked with a confused look on his face
“He pushed me to the ground then pulled off my smuffies and smurffed me over and over again!”
“I don’t under-”
“Your dress!” Investigator Smurf interrupted. “Its covered in smurf! The smurfest must have been the smurf who smurfed Body Smurf!”
“Body smurf has been smurfed!”
“Now hold on!” Papa smurf yelled. “I have no smurfing mother smurfing clue what ether of you are saying!”
“Papa Smurf! There is no need for such language!”
Meanwhile in an unnoticed house in Smurf Village. Anonymous Smirf sat eating a blue liver and onions.
Anonymous Smurf laughed then said: “After this I’m going get some from that cute little Smurfette again” then took a bite of the blue liver.
© 2009 all rights reserved

After having been served a soup, the patron calls the waiter: “Please try the soup.”
The waiter is alarmed: “I will return it to the kitchen immediately!”
“No, no!” The patron shakes his head. “Please try the soup.”
W: “Is it too hot?”
P: “No. Please try it.”
W: “Too salty?”
P: “No. Please try it.”
W: “Is the taste not to your liking?”
Patron is getting irritated: “No. Just try it, will you?”
The waiter is confused and bends down, pauses. “Where is the spoon?”
Patron: “Ah!”

I don’t remember how old I was. Maybe I was in grade 2nd or 3rd. But I know I was too young to do most things on my own without the help of my parents. Back in Riyadh, me and my family used to go to the American Embassy for Mass. There weren’t any churches in Saudi Arabia, so we had to go to the embassy since that is the only place in Saudi Arabia where no one can catch us practicing our religion.

As usual one day me and my family went for mass. Everything went on smoothly. The choir sang well. The priest gave a wonderful speech that I found boring (maybe I was too young to understand) and my parents found the speech very interesting. I saw everyone taking the host and took a sip of the wine from the cup (In US, the people gets the host from the priest and another person holds a cup with wine. All those who wants to have the host with wine can take a sip from the cup and this practice is not there in India).

“The mass has ended. You may all go in peace”. These were the last words spoken by the priest and then I guess I never wanted to go for a mass in an American Embassy or anything that relates to the Americans for just one reason.

I’m going to tell you what that reason is if you promise to keep my age or height or whatever it is in your mind before I tell you my reason. I mentioned before that I was too young to do most things on my own. So I was just a little boy and I need my mother by my side at all times.

Well, here goes…….

The American way

As soon as the mass ended I wanted to go to the rest room badly. That’s not a problem isn’t it? It’s a nature of a human being to dispose of whatever their eaten.  There’s a rest room in every home, in every work place and it was easy to find the rest room.

HAAAAAAA!!! The best part of the American restrooms is that, they are so shinny, neat and don’t stink like our Indian restrooms and it’s air conditioned. I took all my time and my mother from the other side of the door was screaming at me to come out.

Once I was done I looked for a hose pipe. Ok… That’s not there. I looked for a bucket… Ok… that too wasn’t there. I looked for a bloody tap….. What the… Where is the… O my God…. How the hell was I going to wash? There was this fear in me as if I was sitting on a time bomb that was going to blow up any minute. Which bloody restroom that doesn’t have a hose pipe or a bucket or at least a tap? I started to scream for my mother. She got so scared and came running to the door and asked what happened? I told her the reason. I not sure if I heard it properly but I think my mother was laughing with her hands covering her mouth. She said she will get a bucket and a mug for me.

GOD bless mothers

I was inside a room that was the size of a telephone booth and it looked like hours since she finally showed up. She got a bucket with water and a mug. I was so happy to see a bucket with water inside it.

I was so glad once I opened the door and got out. I kept repeating these words, “Thank you ma. You saved me”.

The little believer

Once inside the car I asked my mother,” Where did you get the bucket from”.

She said this as a joke and I believed her,” I ran to the Indian embassy and asked the ambassador for a bucket of water and he gave it to me”.

The Indian Embassy is like almost 45 minutes to reach from the American Embassy if I am to go by car. I think after five years or so I still remembered this unfortunate incident and I asked my mom did you actually go to the Indian embassy and asked the ambassador for a bucket of water.

She just laughed and laughed…

In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being escorted to their rooms. An elderly woman hesitatingly entered my cubicle. She had completed her admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards. I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for her coming to the hospital. “Just to visit a friend,” she said, “but this has taken so long, I’m not sure I have time now.”

From: Breslev.co.il

Subscribe to Breslev Israel’s Mailing Lists, please click here.

Q: A candy is on a table in the center of a room. In the four corners of the room are God, an atheist, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus. Suddenly the lights go out. When the lights come back on, the candy is gone. Who ate it?

A: The atheist. There’s no such thing as Santa Claus, there’s no such thing as the Easter Bunny, and there’s no such thing as God.

Santa wasn’t good to the motorcycle industry in 2009.  A weak economy, company layoffs, a housing melt-down, credit freeze, higher manufacturing costs and an ever discriminating consumer to boot.  As Harley-Davidson executives ponder over what happen this year, I can’t help but believe there are some major things on their wish lists to Santa.  So I’ve taken a scientific (parody alert!) guess of what some of H-D’s top executives want for Christmas:

Keith Wandell, CEO, Harley-Davidson: I got the head honcho job with the industry’s most iconic motorcycle manufacture in history, that has a cult-like following, with vendors tripping all over themselves to copy what we’ve done and I didn’t even have a motorcycle endorsement. I can’t think of anything more to ask for.  Oh wait, all those government stimulus funds – listen up Santa, I’ve been to the White House twice for dinner.  Have I not been nice enough?  Please let the spinner land on my project.

Mark-Hans Richer, Sr. VP & Chief Marketing Officer:  What the ho?  Please, Santa send us Tiger Woods!  As the leader of the world’s foremost authority on brand marketing, our team of cutting edge hoo-ha marketers developed a new strategy with Tiger as the spokesperson!  It’s set to appeal to the outlaw in every man.  We plan to dump that “ludicrous” campaign in favor of “Night of the Tiger”…complete with an exclusive Elin ghost flame paint scheme…

Bill Davidson, VP Core Customer Marketing: Please Santa let 2010 be the year for H-D in professional motorcycle racing.  Nothing but wins – in the dirt or drag or NHRA Pro – whatever it says on my t-shirt. Wait, can you also help people forget about that botched firing of Anne Paluso.  Really our plan is to go racing – go “team scream” or something like that.

John Olin, CFO: Motorcycle sales!  Santa it’s not my fault.  Please let me milk this “new in my job” for just a while longer.  What do they expect?  Miracles on Juneau Avenue!  Doesn’t it matter that I’ve been here less time than Keith?  I do have a motorcycle endorsement.  And, my calculator is newer than Lawrence’s!

Matthew Levatich, President & COO: Santa please get the Wisconsin Department of Transportation to approve and recognize my heroic role in getting the special license plate commemorating Harley-Davidson through the political red-tape as the state’s official motorcycle.   Yep, 2010 is shaping up to be a good performance review!  Memo to Enrico… get the bottle of Chianti ready!

Lawrence Hund, President & COO of H-D Finance: A new platinum edition HP 12C calculator.  The minus button on my last one quit working.

Gail Lione, EVP & General Counsel: Santa please tell us who is behind that NWHOG?!  Send us that macrant email address.  We have an important legal document gift we wish to serve send over to Northwest Harley Blog.

Paul James, Harley-Davidson Company Spokesperson: Please let me graduate the training class called “If the dream is big enough, the facts don’t matter” — a.k.a. the Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf school of bubbling optimism to distract the media and bloggers with superfluous BS so they ignore our fundamental problems.

James McCaslin, EVP Corporate Product Planning:  Santa can you get me a copy of Keith’s industry information?  I’ve never heard of “vendors tripping all over themselves to copy what we’ve done?”  I do remember a blogger at the 105th Anniversary trying to take a photo of a plant tour and we ran his butt right out the building before he was able to take pictures of the lunch room.

Karl Eberle, Sr. VP Manufacturing: Please make Indian go away. We are tired of being embarrassed in our own back yard when it comes to American cruisers and we don’t want that company bragging about their superior performance anymore.

Enrico D’Onofrio, Managing Director – MV Augusta: I already got what I wanted. Thanks for the early Christmas present H-D!  That sale notification surprised Wall Street… as you say in your home land… my golden shute is priceless. All this talk about motorcycles when the grape reigns supreme here in the zone of Tuscany… please pass the Chianti.

Jon R. Flickinger, President & COO of Buell: A job!  Also could you unload some of those dusty Buell’s in the warehouse?  My exit bonus is on the line.

Thanks for your readership during this past year. You may not have agreed with what I had to say at times, but it made for some lively discussions nevertheless. Merry Christmas, happy holidays and best wishes to you in 2010.

Photo courtesy of Flickr.

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