Battleship — As we’ve reported in the Index in the past, Peter Berg is set to direct a feature-length film based on the intellectual property of the children’s board game Battleship. That’s already absurd enough. Now we learn it’s about aliens. Of course. I look forward to the screen version of Hungry Hungry Hippos, which reportedly will be the deconstruction of the American family after a vicious secret comes to light, and Uno, which will be directed by Pedro Almodóvar.

Link: Aliens to Sink Peter Berg’s Battleship? (Screen Rant)

Fanning, Dakota — The Twilight: New Moon star explained to MTV that she became very close to colleague Kristen Stewart during the filming of the tween vamp sequel. “She’s so great…I’ve had so much fun with her,” said Fanning. This immediately troubled the Robodyne Corporation, which programmed Fanning not to feel emotions like “fun,” but rather to follow her prime directive of destroying her competition with lasers. Back to the drawing board, guys! Better luck with Abigail Breslin!

Link: “New Moon” Star Dakota Fanning Had “So Much Fun” With Kristen Stewart (MTV)

Hammer, MC — The rapper told Australia’s Herald Sun that life’s so good for him right now that his trademark fashion is staging a comeback. “My Hammer pants are being made  by six or seven of the world’s finest designers,” he tells the Herald Sun. “In 2009 they were some of the best selling pants in high fashion. I got the new ones, I got the Versace, I got the Christian Dior Homme Hammer pants, they are really nice.” This figures, because everything’s backwards in Australia. Winter is summer. Toilets flush the opposite way. Hammer is still famous. Isn’t that how it works?

Link: Hammer Swings Into Melbourne (Herald Sun)

Kardashian, Khloe — The Kardashians celebrated sister Khloe’s wedding all over again when E!’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians aired the wedding episode featuring Khloe and Laker Lamar Odom’s wedding. The airing brought in a staggering 30.7 million viewers — though many tuned out during reception footage where Kardashian grotesquely attacked and ate several children.

Link: Khloe Kardashian Relives Wedding Day (PopEater)

Riches, Jonathan Lee — An Illinois prison inmate has, in a series of handwritten scrawlings, submitted to the courts that he fathered the children of both Kate Gosselin and Octomom Nadya Suleman and wants custody of his alleged children. If this is true, we finally have the head vampire. He must be destroyed.

Link: Prisoner — I Impregnated Kate G. & Octomom (TMZ)

Rockys, One Thousand — To commemorate the release of the DVD and Blu-Ray of Rocky: The Undisputed Collection, Philadelphia saw a “Parade of 1,000 Rockys” as the masses congregated to run up the infamous steps of the Philadephia Museum of Art. I’d planned on covering this event personally, but fellow Indexer Matt Shorr and I were too busy helming the “Parade of 2 Detective Doug Bigelows” in celebration of the 21st anniversary of the Joe Piscopo-Treat Williams cop thriller Dead Heat.

Link: “Rocky” Fans Storm Philly — Were You There? (Pop Candy)

Street, Sesame – Today marks the 40th anniversary of Sesame Street. The New York Times celebrates with an interview with Big Bird in which we discover that he’s a condor and executive producers answer the question of whether Snuffy was ever real. Google has run muppet-centric search bars for a week, and the First Lady will appear on the show this morning. Here at TBTS, however, we just say thanks for teaching us how to read and count, and raise a glass of milk today to the Children’s Television Workshop. And to many, many more happy years.

Link: Big Bird Responds (NY Times)

Oh how fab, my favorite wacko is at it again. Yes, Jonathan Lee Riches, who has his own friggin Wiki page for goodness sakes, is back suing again and this time he has some famous little snowflakes in his sights. Oh dear, Riches is claiming not just Octomom but Kate’s 8 kiddies are his. Hmm, last time I looked he wasn’t Asian but I digress! Oh and there’s more, he also wants custody of the Kate’s kids, Octomom’s kids, John Edwards’ love child, every friggin kid on the soap “All My Children’” and Bristol Palin’s snowflake “which Bristol kidnapped from Linda Tripp.” Good luck with that, you total time waster! Yeah, yeah I know what your thinking, this dude can’t be serious! Hmm, hell he is….check out his hand written claim.

In the news…

In the face of congressional scrutiny, Verizon scales back its exclusivity deals.

The Pirate Bay looks to go legit with royalty fees and a user-powered/subsidized business model.

A battle heats up between Microsoft and Google over web-based document apps. Will they be the tools of the future?

Sale of Michael Jackson’s final rehearsal complicated by existing deals, television tributes, insane prices.

Twitter hack releases confidential documents, raises ethical issues.

With the approach of the MLB trade deadline, it may be helpful to brush up on the byzantine personnel rules.

We’ve heard of Jonathan Lee Riches, but this may be an even better story: a lawsuit alleges a government-mafia-Apple conspiracy to send messages through an iPod.

EDIT: It was probably inevitable, but the RIAA has now admitted that DRM is dead.

'Sue-per-man' sues Guinness Book of Records over 'most lawsuits' claim

The man who is refered by nicknames ‘Sue-per-man’, ‘the duke of lawsuits’ and ‘Johnny Sue-nami’ is now suing the Guinness Book of World Records for saying that he’s sued the most people ever.

Jonathan Lee Riches, is thought to have filed over 4,000 lawsuits around the world against various people, entities, objects and concepts.

The list includes George W. Bush, Che Guevara, Perez Hilton, the Eiffel Tower, Britney Spears, Adolf Hitler’s Nazi party, Google, the Roman Empire, The Queen, the Magna Carta, the Wu-Tang Clan, Plato, Emilio Estevez and Nordic Gods. In fact he has even been banned from filing suits in many jurisdictions.

Michael Vick, onetime NFL quarterback, loved watching dogs fight to the death for his pleasure. Since the time of Jack London writing White Fang this action has generally been viewed as distasteful, stomach churning and downright illegal, which is why Vick’s in prison.

But, while it takes a certain twisting of the mind to enjoy watching dogs rip each others throats out, it’s a whole new type of crazy that leads someone to accuse Vick of trying to buy Iranian missiles for an Al Qaeda mission.

But that’s exactly what happened. Vick’s fellow inmate Jonathan Lee Riches filed a “$63,000,000,000 billion dollar” lawsuit (either “$63 billion,” or “$63,000,000,000″ would have worked just fine Jonathan). It claimed that Vick stole two pit bulls from him and sold them on eBay. According to Riches, Michael Vick used the money from the sale to buy missiles from Iran.

Those pit bulls must have been capable of crapping gold if Vick made enough money from their sale to buy missiles.

The handwritten lawsuit filing (read it) goes on to inform us that Vick needed the missiles because he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda.

I envision that pledge reading like this: I pledge allegiance to Al Qaeda, and to the insanity for which it stands: a bunch of terrorists under Osama, with killing and destruction for all. Something tells me Michael Vick, for all his faults, didn’t do that.

By the way, you’ve got to love that Jonathan Lee Riches hand-wrote the copyright symbol at the end of his name. It’s a classy touch.

–Let FreeDumb Ring… don’t forget to digg this link.

]]> http://dreadnaught.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/maker-of-enzyte-sentenced-to-25-years-in-prison/ Thu, 28 Aug 2008 02:36:38 +0000 yojoe http://dreadnaught.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/maker-of-enzyte-sentenced-to-25-years-in-prison/ http://dreadnaught.wordpress.com/2008/07/15/jonathan-lee-riches-sues-venture-capitalist-vinod-khosla/ Wed, 16 Jul 2008 01:29:24 +0000 yojoe http://dreadnaught.wordpress.com/2008/07/15/jonathan-lee-riches-sues-venture-capitalist-vinod-khosla/ http://goingbald.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/who-wubba-huh-wubba-woah/ Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:36:27 +0000 drb4 http://goingbald.wordpress.com/2008/04/17/who-wubba-huh-wubba-woah/

We are all continuously bombarded by so much bad news that it is almost enough to make you decide to call it quits for a few weeks and just lock yourself in a dark room and not come out until you develop a few new personalities to hang out with… so today we take a look at some of the good (or at least funny) news circulating in the press.

First up:

Jonathan Lee Riches (a pretty sweet name, if I may say so) is an inmate locked up until 2012 in a federal prison. What does one do with all of that time? The answer seems almost obvious… sue Michael Vick. What is Mr. Riches beef with Michael Vick, you ask? He claims that Vick stole two pit bulls from his home in Florida, used them in dog fighting, then put them for sale on e-bay. After selling them, what was Vick going to do with his earnings? Riches claims he was going to use the proceeds to buy missiles from the Iranian government (it seems that there is a lot that we don’t know about Michael Vick). In the complaint, Riches says “Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.” He is suing for $63 billion, “backed by silver and gold”. Right on, Jonathan Lee.

Next up:

Let me start off by saying that they don’t build ‘em quite like they used to. Daniel Kuch really must have hated his job. Instead of quiting, calling in sick, or doing the good old no-call-no-show, Daniel had his buddy shoot him in the shoulder so that he could get a few days off. Apparently he was trying to avoid a drug test. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather go to work than get shot any day.

These may sound strange, but the web is full of stories of mis-guided people doing awesome stuff. You know you’ve finally made it when you turn up in Yahoo!’s odd news section.