It is a tale of friendship, a story of growing up, and a nostalgic glimpse of the past through the eyes of the present-day characters.

Noelle and Joel were high school and then college friends. Theirs is a relationship of near-misses, bad timing, and immaturity. But for some reason, they each hold onto their friendship, which they describe as like an interrupted sentence.

Then one night, they cross a line. And nothing is ever the same again.

They move onto different pathways, choosing different locales for their adult lives, as well as marital partners. But they pick up the thread of that interrupted sentence in their occasional phone calls and letters.

Looking back and deconstructing their relationship, we come to know the past as it unfolds toward the present in the alternate voices of Noelle and Joel, as they seek to understand the aborted friendship—something that happens when Joel writes a letter to Noelle, cutting off all contact.

It is in the reexamination of this relationship from beginning to end that we come to fully know these characters, and it is this process that strikes a chord of familiarity for the reader. For don’t we all have past relationships that we still remember, still cling to in our minds? And understanding them is essential to closure.

That is the final feeling I had in this story—closure. A very satisfying book that almost feels like a memoir, “A Line Between Friends” is unforgettable.

A definite five-star read.

Trains, planes and automobiles or even boats
Depending on what kind of person you are, getting to Phuket can be achieved by any of the above. The veteran backpacker would use the coach perhaps, the high-end traveller the plane and the adventurer would surely use the boat. Well when I say adventurer, I mean it in the loose sense of the word.

By Boat
Arriving at Phuket by cruise ship is certainly an option if you are thinking about sailing the high seas. Ships arrive regularly from all over the world. The down-side is, these cruises are hugely expensive. A slightly cheaper alternative though, might be to travel to Phuket via the Malacca Straits or Singapore.

By Road
The island of Phuket is actually 885km south of the City of Angels, and is connected to the mainland by a 1200meter causeway. If you don’t mind a fourteen hour journey, then bus is the way for you, they run daily from the Southern Bus Terminal in Bangkok. The good thing about the bus is that it’s reasonably priced, comfortable and cold! Beach life awaits but with this trip comes a complimentary high power cold air-condition unit above your head, so bring warm clothes for this journey. Apart from the length of the journey, the bus could be compared to an airline. They have cabin attendants bringing drinks and snacks, there’s even an in-trip movie. The trip itself is an overnighter and you arrive at Phuket early the next morning.

By Rail
Another way of getting to Phuket overland from Bangkok is the direct train route that is available. Again, it’s an overnight journey but it can be somewhat more comfortable than the bus. Sleeping births allow you to get a good night’s sleep but before going, a welcome nightcap in the buffet car at the end of train won’t go amiss. The train leaves from Hua Lumphong Station in Bangkok and then on to Surat Thani where you need to take a bus to complete the rest of your journey. Be prepared to rise early on the day you arrive at Surat Thani, Thais get up very early on most days so don’t expect a lie in.

Flying by Air To Phuket, Karon

Finally planes. Easily the most comfortable and quickest way to get to the island. The international airport at Phuket receives flights from all over the world as well as domestic flights from other cities including Bangkok. If you are on a time budget or you just simply yearn comfort, then the plane is the way to go.

Arriving and leaving

Now that you have arrived, it’s time to shake off travel fatigue and hit those beautiful palm fringed beaches and golden or white sands that stretch for miles. Resort destinations like Karon offer the sight of tiny palm coves and bays that inundate the coastline. This is where some of the most gorgeous and luxurious hotel resorts blend in with the natural beauty of Thailand. Horizon Karon Beach Resort and Spa located at the southern end of the beach and just a stone’s throw away from the famed Kata beach boast excellent service and wonderful views. The resort itself is set on some 16000sqm of land surrounded by a rain forest of lush vegetation. It is slightly set back from the main drag and offers a haven of peace and tranquillity and yet not so far from Karon’s entertainment and shopping districts. A complimentary bus service to Patong beach is also available. Other activities you might find yourself interested in around the Karon beach area are the extensive choice of marine activities such as diving and snorkelling. Honeymooners who stay more than four nights at the resort can enjoy extra service at the Karon Beach Resort Hotels where they will receive complimentary honeymoon gifts on arrival. Why would anyone want to leave.

Unsure, undecided,
incapable of denying
the hurt inside,
I hurry by,
my back
to the past
where lies buried
the ‘whys’ of my life,
my tired soul
needs a moment
of respite,
who was wrong
and who was right
we just lied,
denying yet
defending our pride,
dreaming of love,
being nice for a while
fighting for time,
hoping to escape
the loneliness inside.

Those pretensions,
and lies,
those screams for
attention
in our loveless lives,
desperation for warmth,
that need to belong,
holding hands
yet insecure all along,
I’m done with them now,
I want to walk alone,
find peace
on some other shore,
stop chasing those shadows,
leave behind those ghosts.

I turn around,
start to go,
they follow me,
oh so slow,
like day follows night,
they stay
close, yet
just out of sight,
I walk
never stop,
breath
but never halt,
I run
yet never escape
their
questioning eyes.

The ghosts
of our sins,
they trail behind
in time,
by my side,
asking me
“Why?”

Today I buried another
‘why’ of my life.
Ten more ‘whys’ will
be born tonight.

]]> http://angel119.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/an-answered-prayer-2/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:54:52 +0000 angel119 http://angel119.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/an-answered-prayer-2/

“And He took them up in His arms, put His hand upon them and blessed them.” Mark 10:16

yesterday, my son’s geometry teacher called me on my mobile and asked me to take a cab to school and take him to the hospital.  i tried my best to calm down, as i thought about how to possibly heed the call.  bhoy was still miles away from a meeting in jubail, and there was nobody in our office to drive me to the school.

even if there was, a woman is forbidden here to ride in a car other than her husband.  and to take a cab is very risky and equally dangerous, and would probably create more trouble.  so i really had no option but to wait anxiously for bhoy to finally get hold of miguel, and do whatever was necessary.  it was hard enough to learn that my son was in an emergency situation.  but it was harder to be just pinned down on my seat and not be able to do anything for him.

as i waited in agony, i opened the page on which i saved the prayer card of St. Josemaria Escriva (thanks zita!) and just prayed for his intercession.  i remembered that when situations get out of hand, i just let go and let God.  yes i got really worried as i heard the concerned voice of my son’s teacher, but as i began to pray, a deep sense of calm took over.  then i knew that miguel was going to be alright.  less than an hour later, bhoy called and said they were already in the parking lot waiting for me.  not to go the hospital, but home.  miguel was already well and good.

they say God never says “no” to our prayers.  He just responds in varying, but always positive ways.  i believe so too.  He either answers  “YES” right away, or sometimes He will say “MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME“.  on other circumstances, He will tell us “I HAVE A BETTER IDEA”.

when daddy was recently diagnosed with the big PC, we began to pray so hard for him.  even begged God to make him well again.  although we know that a miracle would be necessary, we still continue to pray.  and it is amazing how, when we pray deeply enough, we lose ourselves to the divine presence of the Lord.  so powerful yet so tender that nothing else would ever come close to us.  only His loving assurance that everything will be taken care of.  and that everything will be alright.

it is also noteworthy how “unanswered prayer” and “an answered prayer” sound almost exactly the same. the difference lies on the strength of our faith in the absolute and divine power of God, and our constant communion with Him in every aspect of our daily lives.

we usually pray in the morning as we start our day.  before and after meals.  at night, before we go to sleep.  during sunday mass or novena days.  but to be in prayer doesn’t really need a schedule.  nor does it require an appointment with God.  anytime is prayer time. if we only learn to place our lives in God’s ever holy presence, then there’s always time and space for prayer. 

our prayers for daddy will go on.  and on. and on. no matter what. for we know deep in our hearts, the Lord already gave His answer… long before we even prayed for it.

(you may get the prayer card of  St. Josemaria Escriva at www.opusdei.org)

A tug boat is to haul an oil and gas exploration rig from a Highlands deep water port on a 62-day journey to the Falkland Islands…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: deep sea. The blog is also related to: ocean noaa.

A tug boat is to haul an oil and gas exploration rig from a Highlands deep water port on a 62-day journey to the Falkland Islands…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: new boat. The blog is also related to: boat store.

There comes a point, in fact many points, in your life when your character is tested.  You will be faced with a situation that will require you to make a decision regarding who you are and what you believe in.  It will seem as though there is a struggle between what you should and should not do, however deep down you already have the answer.  The test lies in your courage to do what your gut tells you versus doing what is comfortable.

Every action regarding the situation will tell a lot about who you really are.  Recently, I found myself in a situation where I decided to support a cause that I believed in only to find out that I didn’t know the whole truth about the situation.  I stood at a crossroad.  I could either continue going along with popular opinion and my initial position or listen to my gut, stand against my friends and promote my new position. 

This was a defining moment for me because people often use the word “leader” to describe me so I had to make a decision or I was at risk of not being true to myself.   

I am sure many of you have been in a similar situation and the hardest part is the fact that it is an internal struggle with your personal good and evil.  Often times you can just do nothing and no one will know… but you.  However, knowing that you did not do the right thing or that you were untrue to what you believe in can eat away at you for years.  No matter how hard you try to forget, it stays in the back of your mind and creates self-doubt as it nags at you during the most inopportune times.

Success secret #6… be true to yourself.  No one may ever know the depth of your struggle to do the right thing but you will always know if you don’t.

I love the look on your face when I kiss your cheek -

The sincerity in your eyes.

It’s amazing how you make my knees feel weak,

Without having to try.

It’s amazing how love can be this strong,

And tested through time.

I am certain I am right where I belong,

being yours; you are mine.

Thank you for this journey, that’s been so sweet.

It’s bring a tear to my eye,

Darling, just how you swept me off my feet.

I’ll love you til the end of time.

Okay, so I’m a student in college.  The school term is almost over.  This means that everything thing is winding down and homework is piling up.  With all of the papers and projects due on top of all of the studying for finals, I like to zone out for a bit and listen to some music.  Today’s anthem is a classic.  Some my call it cheesy, but I think it’s the ultimate motivator… I never skip this song when my iPod’s on shuffle.  No matter what mood, the song makes me feel good.  I guess that’s because I associate it with sooo many good times I’ve had in the past while this song was playing.  All I know is, I love this song.

Journey – Don’t Stop Believing

Pure brilliance.

GiveMeLoveOverThis

We tend to want to stay away from the fire. Fire burns. Fire changes the shape or form of things. Fire destroys.

That’s exactly what our Lord wants to do with our lives though. He wants to change us. He wants to burn away the chaff. He wants to destroy those things that aren’t necessary in our lives to allow room for the things He desires to be in the midst of us.

Zechariah 13:9 “And I will bring the third part through the fire, refine them as silver is refined, and test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are My people,’ and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.”

Staying away from the fire can be the easier way … but that is not always the way of change. I choose to take that path that will refine me. The path that will change me. Join me on my Journey with God.

Nach einem schönen Abend in München, dem kurzen Morgen darauf und der langen Reise danach bin ich gut in meinem Hostel aufgeschlagen. Gepäck ist alles ganz geblieben, was mich vor allem für mein Snowboard freut.
Bei der Einwanderungsbehörde hat es zwar etwas gedauert aber wer kann an einem Samstag Abend auch noch produktive Arbeit verlangen. Netto 11 Stunden Flug, 3 Stunden warten in London, 2 Stunden am Schalter, 30 Minuten Fahrt mit dem vollautomatisierten SkyTrain und 10 Minuten Fußweg in strömenden Regen habe ich gebraucht um dann mein wohlverdientes Bier in der berühmten Cambie Bar zu genießen, auch wenn Bier für deutsche Verhältnisse eine sehr anmaßende Bezeichnung ist. Anschließend war dann aber auch der Akku alle und ich habe mich in mein King Size Bett begeben.

Den heutigen Tag habe ich dann erstmal mit intensiver Nutzung des kostenlosen WLANs und der Erkunding Chinatowns verbracht. Essen ist wirklich preiswert dort, jedoch ist ein Vergleich manchmal schwierig, weil man nicht immer erkennt, was das für Lebensmittel sind.

Morgen steht dann ganz im Zeichen der Social Insurance Number, die ich brauche um hier Arbeit antreten zu können. Habe erfreulicherweise bereits gehört, dass es relativ unkompliziert und schnell gehen soll. Ich werde sehen und ihr sicher lesen…

About four months ago, I got a book by Jenni Schaefer, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. A friend from treatment and I were both reading the section on “jumping” into recovery near the same time. We committed to helping each other “jump” into change. And, supporting each other through that process–when we fell, we could help each other get back up. When we jump, we celebrate together. It is the same friend that we enjoyed a Thanksgiving dinner together

I started thinking that I needed to “jump”–sometimes,  have a hard time seeing how I have grown over a period of time, especially when I am struggling more, so decided to think about how I have changed or “jumped” this semester:

1. Committed to doing group another year. Part of me wonders if I need it, but I know that it doesn’t hurt. And, I very much know that I need it. I think that the times when I question it, are times when I probably need it even more.

2. Talking in group, I never really talked in the last few groups. This includes talking for myself and talking to support others. I almost feel outgoing in group this year???? Crazy.

3. Really spending time actually “digging” in therapy.

4. Going out to a bar (haha, jumping doesn’t have to be “deep”)

5. Enjoying my meal with a friend

6. Not always thinking about food. But, it really worries me that that ED is what I come back to quickly.

7. I recognize the problems with ED.

8. I’ve made changes to help my foot heal.

Off to bed. More jumping tomorrow. I like reflecting in ways like this when I feel more positive within the more “crazy” times.

I’m walking it. No joke.

My professor made a joke about it last year – he said he did it – and after that, I decided I had to do it – for real. I was going to take Safia, but she left for NY. I need a replacement, I can’t do this fabulous, ridiculous, arduous, exciting, amazing, life-changing journey alone.

You wanna join me? You probably don’t, but I’ll let you think you do if you want to. 13.2 miles is no joke, my friends. 4.5 hours without stops and I plan on stopping a lot (food!!) so it could be a day’s adventure. Now, if you still seriously want to, then come talk to me. I want to take one person, but who that’ll be, I don’t know.

Oh fellow walker, if you’re out there, come out come out and let’s go!

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Reflection: Becoming Prayer

Catholic Online

Through prayer, daily life takes on new meaning. It becomes a classroom of communion.

CHESAPEAKE, VA (Catholic Online) – “Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing. In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit.” (1 Thess. 5:16-19)

St. Paul wrote these words to the early Christians in Greece. They did not live lives of ease, in any sense of the word. They had families, occupations, and real struggles, beyond what many of us could imagine. They also suffered greatly for their faith in a hostile culture.

He instructed them to “Pray without ceasing”. Did he really mean it? I believe that he did. The older I get, the simpler life gets. That does not mean it is “easy”. I speak of spiritual simplicity, the kind of attitude which gets right to the root of what really matters. I believe that Paul meant what he said to the Christians at Thessalonica and that his words are important to those who bear the name Christian today.We need to pray.

Prayer is an ongoing dialogue of intimate communion with God. God fashioned men and women as the crown of His creation, creating us in “His Image”, for this loving, relational conversation of life with Him. At the heart of understanding what it means to be “in His Image” is to understand the immense gift of human freedom and what has happened to our capacity to choose. Love is never coerced.

Our relationship with God was broken, separated and wounded through the first sin, the sin of origins or “original sin”. That sin, like all sin since, is at root a misuse of freedom infected by pride and self sufficiency. Our ability to exercise our freedom rightly, to live His Image by directing our capacity for free choice always toward the good, was impeded through the fall. Freedom was fractured.

The “Good News” is that through Jesus Christ, the way has been opened for an even fuller communion with God, one that is restored through His Incarnation, Saving life, Death and Resurrection. In Jesus Christ we are being re-created, re-fashioned and redeemed. He comes to live in all who make a place for Him within the center of their lives. This “making a place” is the essence of Christian prayer. It is not about doing, but about being.

The Lord wants us to freely choose to respond to His continual invitations to love. We will only find our fulfillment as human persons by entering into that kind of relationship. This is the meaning and purpose of life itself. As we grow in faith through our participation in the life of grace, lived out in the Church, our capacity to respond to His loving invitation grows as well, through prayer.

Prayer is about falling in love with God. Isaac of Ninevah was an early eighth century monk, Bishop and theologian. For centuries he was mostly revered in the Eastern Christian Church for his writings on prayer. In the last century the beauty of his insights on prayer are being embraced once again by both lungs, East and West, of the Church. He wrote these words in one of his many treatises on Prayer:

“When the Spirit dwells in a person, from the moment in which that person has become prayer, he never leaves him. For the Spirit himself never ceases to pray in him. Whether the person is asleep or awake, prayer never from then on departs from his soul. Whether he is eating or drinking or sleeping or whatever else he is doing, even in deepest sleep, the fragrance of prayer rises without effort in hid heart. Prayer never again deserts him. At every moment of his life, even when it appears to stop, it is secretly at work in him continuously, one of the Fathers, the bearers of Christ, says that prayer is the silence of the pure. For their thoughts are divine motions. The movements of the heart and the intellect that have been purified are the voices full of sweetness with which such people never cease to sing in secret to the hidden God.”

The Christian revelation answers the existential questions that plague every human heart and trouble every generation. Through His Incarnation, Saving Life, Death, and Resurrection, Jesus opens full communion with God for all men and women. He leads us out of the emptiness and despair that is the rotted fruit of narcissism, nihilism and materialism. When we enter into the dialogue of prayer, we can experience a progressive, dynamic and intimate relationship with God and He transforms us from within. We, as Isaac said, can “become prayer” as we empty ourselves in order to be filled with Him.

Through prayer, daily life takes on new meaning. It becomes a classroom of communion. In that classroom we learn the truth about who we are – and who we are becoming – in Jesus. Through prayer we receive new glasses through which we see the true landscape of life. Through prayer darkness is dispelled and the path of progress is illuminated. Through prayer we begin to understand why this communion seems so elusive at times; as we struggle with our own disordered appetites, and live in a manner at odds with the beauty and order of the creation within which we dwell only to find a new beginning whenever we confess our sin and return to our first love. Prayer opens us up to Revelation, expands our capacity to comprehend truth and equips us to change.

Through prayer we are drawn by Love into a deepening relationship with Jesus whose loving embrace on the hill of Golgotha bridged heaven with earth; His relationship with His Father is opened now to us; the same Spirit that raised Him from the dead begins to give us new life as we are converted, transfigured and made new. Through prayer, heavenly wisdom is planted in the field of our hearts and we experience a deepening communion with the Trinitarian God. We become, in the words of the Apostle Peter “partakers of the divine nature.” (2 Peter 1:4) That participation will only be fully complete when we are with Him in the fullness of His embrace, in Resurrected Bodies in a New Heaven and a New earth, but it begins now, in the grace of this present moment.

The beloved disciple John became prayer. He writes in the letter he penned in his later years: “See what love the Father has bestowed on us that we may be called the children of God. Yet so we are. The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. Beloved, we are God’s children now; what we shall be has not yet been revealed. We do know that when it is revealed we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope based on him makes himself pure, as he is pure. Everyone who commits sin commits lawlessness, for sin is lawlessness” (1John 3:1-4)

As we “become prayer” our daily life becomes the field of choice and we are capacitated to choose the “more excellent way” of love of which the great Apostle Paul wrote. (1 Cor. 13) Pondering the implications of the exercise of our human freedom becomes a regular part of our life, as we learn to “examine our conscience”, repent of our sin and become joyful penitents. Prayer provides the environment for such recollection as it exposes the darkness and helps us surrender it to the light of Love, the Living God dwelling within us.

“Becoming prayer” is possible for all Christians, no matter their state in life or vocation, because God holds nothing back from those whom He loves. This relationship of communion is initiated by Him. Our part is to respond. That response should flow from a heart that beats in surrendered love, in the process of being freed from the entanglements that weigh us down. The God who is Love hungers for the communion of sons and daughters – and we hunger for communion with Him – because He made us this way. Nothing else will satisfy. The early Church Father Origen once wrote: “Every spiritual being is, by nature, a temple of God, created to receive into itself the glory of God.”

We were made in the “image” of God and are now being recreated into His likeness in Jesus Christ. As we “become prayer’, that likeness begins to emerge. We give ourselves fully to the One who gave Himself to us and cry out with Jesus Christ “Abba Father.” No longer alienated, we participate in the inner life of God who now dwells within us. We also dwell in Him through His Spirit. This dwelling is prayer. It is not about doing or getting but about being, becoming, receiving, giving, and loving.

We will live the way we love and we will love the way we pray.
A wonderful spiritual writer of our own time, Henri Nouwen, understood the intimacy of prayer and the call to live in God. He wrote these words in his work entitled Lifesigns:

“Jesus, in whom the fullness of God dwells, has become our home by making his home in us he allows us to make our home in him. By entering into the intimacy of our innermost self he offers us the opportunity to enter into his own intimacy with God. By choosing us as his preferred dwelling place, he invites us to choose him as our preferred dwelling place. This is the mystery of the incarnation. Here we come to see what discipline in the spiritual life means. It means a gradual process of coming home to where we belong and listening there to the voice which desires our attention. Home is the place where that first love dwells and speaks gently to us. Prayer is the most concrete way to make our home in God.”

Let us learn to “become prayer”.

- - -

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My journey begins very early in the morning. The sun has just raised. The gals have just woken up, and talked endlessly about anything :)

I love to ride the motocycle, it helps us through the always heavy traffic jam in the Buitenzorg morning. You may lost more than half an hour while driving a car.

Then somehow we must choose between train and bus. Either one of them is convenient, but those are all available. The train urged us to have very strong empathy. We must care for the handicaped, oldies, pragnant moms, babies, and so it goes. While bus give us a little bit chance to sit without having too many to think about, for those who can’t find a seat usually look for the next bus

The train may be delayed because of the electricity, heavy train traffic, broken signalling equipments, or broken railways. The bus always comes with heavy traffic problem even in the path called highway

You need loads of happy feeling in the morning to start the journey, or you’ll having bad morning start and ruin your whole day )

As I’m sure you’ve all gathered from my recent posts, my heart has been heavy with the need to be more humble and receptive to the idea that I’m not the only one in this world. I’ve prayed hard for God to provide me with a constantly thankful heart, and while some days are more of a struggle than others, I manage to always find something I’m extremely grateful for.

• Blankets. They’re not only super cozy but a great alternative to upping the heat in our house and ultimately save us a few pennies each month.
• Peaches. She’s the sweetest most fluffiest cat I know. She knows all my secrets and still loves me enough to drool all over me and give sandpaper kisses each night before I go to bed.
• Jeremy. This Irish lass has some serious “crazy” in her…through all my meltdowns he breaths in deep and takes me on and makes me a better woman. I can’t believe I get him for the rest of my life. What a true gift from God.
• Hot water. It saved me on Thursday night while waiting in line to see the 12:01am showing of New Moon. My hands went numb from the cold…the bathroom sinks oozed the most fantastic of water droplets my fingers ever felt.
• My memory. Perhaps it’s the Sudoku that’s kept it fresh (because we all know Facebook isn’t exactly adding brain cells) but I managed to remember all the dates I needed to re-add to my JBerry after my phone deleted everything when I removed the Facebook application (which apparently was proof that I have lost brain cells, as I only needed to clear the cache and not clear the entire app in order to keep it from freezing).

And one to grow on…

• God. He humbles me and reminds me that I’m human, and without Him I am not freed. With him, I am renewed and forgiven and am provided another try at the once failed attempts at this life. Thank you God for reminding that not only can I not do this without you…but I don’t want to either.

20/100

So yesterday was probably the first day I started to realize how fast I’m hurtling toward graduation and the ever-menacing “real world.”  It was my last Hawkeye football game as a student. I don’t know that future games will ever be the same. The rest of Kinnick, while enthusiastic, just doesn’t match up to the student section. I mean, nobody gets into the Burritto Lift like the students, and “adults” don’t really appreciate the random dude who starts stripping when “Fire Burning” comes over the loudspeakers at halftime.  I think what got me the most was after the game, when the players had carried Floyd to the locker room, and the highlight reel from the historic season played on the big screen. Remembering all those moments, the times of pure and unadulterated excitment – like when we made a touchdown with 2 seconds to go at MSU when I was screaming myself hoarse by myself in my living room, or when we blocked not 1, but 2 field goal attempts to beat UNI – you just can’t match that. And just looking out across the student section, still full of students gazing up, I couldn’t help but think this is one of those crazy moments you’ll always remember. And of course, the music they chose to play with it is “Don’t Stop Believin’” basically the theme song to my freshman year.. or college career in general. And standing there with Abby, who I’ve gone to nearly every football game with since we were freshmen, it was rough.  I can’t imagine not living in the same town as my friends who have made my college experience incredible. We will all go our separate ways… and then what? I see my parents – they rarely talk to their college buddies or high school friends. I just can’t imagine that. I see my friends basically everyday, and if I don’t , I talk to them on a daily basis.  How is it possible, that just 6 months from now, it will be all over? I feel like I was just a freshmen yesterday, sitting in my dorm room in Daum, after my parents had left thinking, “now what?”

As cliche as it may sound, all good things must come to an end. But I have a feeling that there’s a lot more good stuff to come. The daunting aspect is thinking about what I have to leave behind to get to that stuff. And I may be jumping the gun, but I just want to thank all my incredible friends who have gotten me to this point. To my UI friends, you have all helped me in one way or another become the person I am today. Without you, I would not be as comfortable in my own skin as I am. I love knowing that all of you will do amazing things, and I hope we can still share those little victories together, no matter where we are in the world. To my closest friends (you know who you are), it’s amazing how immediately we became like family. You’ve all helped me through some of my hardest moments in life, from daunting piles of homework, to heartbreak, to job applications, to the really serious stuff that gets to all of us at some point.  And of course, you were all there to celebrate the good times too – and those will be the times I remember the most!  To my “Greek” friends – thank God it was you I studied abroad with, or I would’ve flown home immediately! My life would not be complete without you all. To my high school friends (you know who you are) I can’t believe I still look forward to Thanksgiving Eve and Christmas Eve Eve. So many people I know I have lost touch with their high school friends, but I know my girls will be with me for life! And of course, to my family – I wouldn’t have been able to meet these amazing people and do these incredible things without you.

So, I’ll stop being sappy.  The next 6 months will go by faster than imaginable. Go Hawks!

New mediums and technology often bring with them new ethical questions. In that regard, social media is no different. Recently, two people in my life passed away. Both of them were my friends on Facebook. Their deaths have left me with more questions than answers about appropriate behavior:

• To unfriend or not to unfriend?
• Or, does the act of unfriending them mean they were never really in my life?
• If I decide not to unfriend them, does it prolong the healing process?

Perhaps there should be netiquette rules for mourning in the social media world. For instance, “Friends can only post memories or photos of the deceased for the first thirty days, unless he/she is a relative.” Another could be, “Relatives can remain as friends on Facebook for up to a year.”

I feel uncomfortable severing my connection with the person. When the spirit moves me, I’d want to be able look at their photos and be nostalgic about the past. However, I won’t ever be able to have a two-way interaction again. So what’s the point of maintaining the connection at all?

I came back in Holland after my journey in the states having the usual reaction of putting everything in order and get on,on the things I wanted to do in my life. I was planning though, without having in mind the intents that I had made and reinforced everyday in my life. It was nice that I wanted those dreams that I had but  is a different thing living my own dreams, make them reality. That meant for me, let go of anything familiar, let go of my past, let go of the things that weren’t working for me anymore.

In that two month period after my journey, I was staying with my parents  just to figure things out, I had put myself in a position of trying to fit in old situations, old environments with a new me and some strings of the old me. That wasn’t seem to work really well, it made me more miserable instead because once I had put my intents, my dreams in motion there were changes, changes in my self I wasn’t allowing to happen. Things between me and the rest of my family members of my family seemed to suffocate me more and more cause I couldn’t anymore fit in in anyway. So by pressing my energy, by pressing the dreams that I had put out there and were approaching me, I explode at a certain point. ( there were other healing processes going on at the same time, it was like the saying that something has to get worse before it gets better)

There was a period were I was really in a position of struggling of wanting to give up on everything I had fight for the last years and wanted to create in my life. I fell into the most deep depression of my life where I really had the impression back then that I’ll never be able to get out of it. I was starting blaming other people for the position I brought myself in, people that were dear to me. I felt that the world had totally collapse and there was only one thing to sink in deeper unable to get my life back or move on as live my life as I wanted even it scared the hell out of me. I chose for the second and it wasn’t really a desicion made under normal circumstances, as if making a desicion and move on with it. It was a decision that I was unable to make and because I was feeling so much suffocated I decided that If I can be that much depressed and don’t care about how I live, I could at least living my dreams. So I decided to take my depression and all the other feelings that were holding me back and do at least what I always wanted.  That happened with the unconscious “help” of my family, cause there were being situations created were I put myself into the decision of moving forward with my life.

Taking that decision even if it seemed as something that was impulsive at the moment or was the reaction of situations it was my decision of freedom from the past. A past that I wasn’t letting go to live my life, to live and see, explore myself, explore the world,create my dreams. My dream was always to exist as a traveller, to meet people who have dreams and are willing/have doubts/fears/feel joy when they speak about their dreams,feel hope, to share with those people the dream that every human being carries into their heart and waits to see the world a better place

That is my dream and hapiness in life. To meet all those people, to know that there are more people out there willing ot chase their dreams no matter what. Not the dreams that suffocate us in a society which has starting to lose it’s foundation, foundation based upon on thousand false expectations that we don’t need to follow anymore. The dreams that are in the heart of humanity as seeds and wait by all of us to grow them, by creating new foundation of life, new foundation of how humans can be. My dream is to see human beings heal themselves and get rid of the expectations of the past, existing with the freedom of their dreams only. By stopping having expectations about anything just only the seeds of those dreams the world will start changign because we’ll start cahnging ourselves. And who knows maybe the world after a long time, might become those dreams.

That is my dream.

That was what I was avoiding all those years, my whole life. I was avoiding to live that dream, because in the past they had told me that is impossible. Now I know that everything is possible by creating that dream.

So here I am, starting my journey in the beautiful Ireland, with my fears/doubts/ uncertainty/joy and all the in between that comes by deciding to follow my dream.

Now the years after graduating from high school and the years beginning college (because I took a 2 year hiatus) were kinda of a blur.  Working from job to job and just getting by until my younger sister, sister S, graduated from high school and asked me to go to school with her.

Now I had applied to two schools before taking my hiatus.  One was a fashion school in NYC and the other was in another school at the southwest tip of New York.  I got into both and was deciding to go to the fashion school but things were impeding me to arrive to the school when they needed me to show for testing and what not.  Therefore I did not go to either school.  Now the school sister S was interested in going to is a Christian school.  A christian private school that was on News Weeks 100th best schools.  It is a GREAT school, it has great morals, wonderful people… yadda, yadda, yadda…

Once I started school there when I was 20 I started to realize how truly wrong it was to lust after women, to crave women, and to watch pornography.  Yes as a women I was very interested in porn.  Honestly I am still interested in it.  If  I’m putting my stuff out in the open why not just do it and put it ALL out there!

Apparently I had not been upholding the standards that I was supposed to as a Christian girl.  Yet nonetheless I came out of my shell.  I started to become more outgoing, more relaxed with myself, funny, and well liked.  I finally felt I some what belonged.  I felt during my high school years no one understood me because I had to always wear skirts and I was ridiculed about it.  But in college I was accepted for who and what I was (well at the time).  These years I believe have been my most dissatisfying and joyous years by far.

The first few years I think I didn’t care as to what I looked like, who I befriended, what my grades were and just of who I was.  I was just a fresh person on this new campus in a new world!  So I took it in as much as I could!  But slowly, looking back now, I realize how much the school thrusts upon us to get married have children and be happy.  That’s all…

Even though I was there to get an education it felt it was more guided with who was dating who, and for how long.  There was even a running joke.  That many women only came to the school to get their M.R.S. degree.  Which is sad!  I had never heard of that term until I started going to that school.  Also why would you claim that ALL women that go to that school only come to get that degree.  It was as if that was the only reason to go if you were a woman.

Well as naive as I used to be I was so excited that it could happen but never once did I actually go out and look for someone to date.  I wasn’t interested. Nor am I interested still to get that M.R.S. degree unless the laws change and I can actually marry a woman.

But I had become that girl that the school wanted me to become.  The meek, servant of God, loved by all, while being sweet and charming.  But those weren’t the only parts of me.  I had more.  Much more lurking in the dark (as people want to think).  I had so many doors in my soul that I had kept secret.  That I had barred with anything and everything so that I would never look at or even approach.  I was scared to pretend that they were even there.  So I tried not to think of things that would make our wonderful God angry.

Yet this following year all that changed.  I evolved and I became more.  With more understanding and with acceptance I transformed.

Well lovies I will leave this post here.  I will keep you wanting and come back another day to add to sed story!

~RoMa

Age of Oracles – Taras Journey (61 MB download)
Assist Tara as she transports between her home and a mysterious land, all while attempting to unravel her destiny. Explore over 80 beautiful levels of challenging adventure puzzles, hidden objects, and mini-games. Follow the cards to Tara’s fate!

Finally a Master

“I really don’t know what to say.” For most people, this phrase means: 1) The person is trying to be nice because what they actually have to say could hurt feelings, 2)That the person really has tons to say, and just used that phrase to preface all the ramblings that were about to follow, or 3) The person actually has NOTHING to say.  I’m on the fence between reasons 2 and 3.

                Three nights ago (November 19^th, for those of you who don’t feel like doing the math) I attended what was probably my final graduation ceremony. I say “final” because I have no intentions on getting a doctorate degree (college loans are expensive enough as it is without adding more debt to the debt I can’t pay off now). Usually one’s graduation day seems to hold about the same weight as someone’s wedding day. There’s hair to be tended, clothing to purchase, gowns to order for the ceremony, and tickets to request as every family member you know has been invited; Not the case for me in Scotland.

                It was agreed a long time ago that to have my family over here from the US would be more than expensive. So, my mother agreed to let me go it alone (but only if I took pictures, which I did). I have enough trouble finding a barber over here that can actually make me look presentable without messing up my hair  -or lack of- too much, so I’d gotten the grooming taken care of Saturday before work. And since we had a dress code of sorts indicated on our graduation instructions, I realized I had to go no further than my closet to find what I needed for the ceremony. What I’ve just mentioned, however, were the least of my worries.

                Last Monday, I developed a tiny cough. I thought nothing of it, but I did hope that it wasn’t the makings of a terrible cold. But something in my heart kept telling me, this is something to worry about. Just the day before, I was on the bus looking at a fellow passenger with disdain because she coughed without covering her mouth. I instantly thought ‘This is how people catch swine flu, because of people like you.’ What a coincidence that on Tuesday my cough rapidly became a scratchy cough (which hurt my chest), congested sinuses, and a stomach that didn’t know if it was queasy or not. I was losing the battle to stay in control of my body.

                My job at LUSH only had me scheduled to work on Wednesday. I figured, my sickness should be gone by then, but of course it wasn’t. That night, when I tried to go to sleep, I had to sleep in a hat, gloves, and socks and I was thisclose to actually putting on a coat as I was freezing cold. The heat was on full blast and I had actual goosebumps. To top it all off, I couldn’t touch my skin, let alone hair follicles because they hurt. Mind you I didn’t get proper rest that evening. But somehow the next day, I made it to work, with a running nose and a persistent cough and managed to make the money I so desperately needed…and still need to see to believe (I also got the devastating news that jobs only pay once a month here………can we say livid?).

                Anyway, I slept from 2:30 that afternoon, until 10:45 that evening, and didn’t eat (as my appetite wouldn’t allow).  At that point, I hadn’t cared about what I was wearing to graduation. All I cared about was getting the piece of paper I’d worked all my life to have. For me, I have never known a time when I wasn’t in school. This would symbolize the end of academia and the true start of my life, whatever my life is supposed to be. Somewhere deep inside me is that excitement that one is supposed to have when he finished something big. But to be honest…It hasn’t manifested itself.

                Yes, I smiled a lot during graduation day. I smiled during the ceremony (though all I wanted to do was blow my nose) and I smiled afterwards when I shook the hands of many and thanked tons for their kind words. Yes, I’d worked hard for this day. But something still felt like it was missing.

                I wasn’t missing my family’s attendance (I did have a couple friends who showed up to support me). And of course I wasn’t missing “a special someone to share the moment with” (Do I look that pathetic?). But I was still unsettled. It would take two more days for me to discover why….

                Last night, I was out to dinner at Oko Express, a small Japanese restaurant (which always makes me feel like I’m in New York). We were saying our goodbyes to a classmate who was heading back to Canada the next morning. It was all very chilled-out, no frills fun. When I was waiting at my bus stop, I saw a bunch of drunken Scotsmen yelling something indecipherable at the top of their lungs, causing a ruckus. Some uncouth guy, wearing a sweatsuit (yes…they wear sweatsuits and full tracksuits over here in the UK), had his hand completely down his pants, while another drunk man was trying to make some woman’s baby laugh (while the baby kept swatting him away). The bus finally came and as I sat watching the city of Glasgow race by me, the realization hit me hard….Just because I have a Masters degree doesn’t mean the world will change.

                Now most people reading this are saying “Aw, C’mon, don’t say that,” while others are wondering “What does that mean?” Well…here goes….

                My having a master’s degree is not going to make the world a better place. It makes MY world better, supposedly, but drunkards will still be yelling offensive shit at the top of their lungs. Young kids will still have premarital sex and father/mother babies they don’t know how to take care of. People in Philly will still cling to their stoops for solace and comfort.  And racism will still simmer under the surface of the new presidency.

                At my graduation, I was the only black man present. The only one.  And I was seated smack dab in the center of everyone. (No lie) There was no way you could miss me. In Scotland, I will continue to stick out and I will continue to be made fun of by ignorant people because I would rather dress up and look presentable than be frumpy, or pretend to have “swagger” (whatever that means anymore). More importantly, I will still be financially struggling until “my day” comes. Lastly, just because I’ve achieved this goal doesn’t mean it will stop raining in Glasgow (which I’m sure is influencing my mood).

                But all hope isn’t lost, people.  I’ve not completely out of touch with my faith. You see, my cold has subsided. And there is a song that has been on my mind since graduation day:

The eensy weensy Spider went up the water spout

Down came the rain and washed the spider out

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain

And the eensy weensy spider went up the spout again!

                It’s a wonder we don’t see hidden messages in songs until we get older. I am that eensy weensy spider. And damn if there haven’t been many times when the “rain” hasn’t come down and washed me out, made me feel bad about myself, and hurt my pride, or whatever. The sun always does come out eventually, and in the song the spider, as eensy weensy as he is, chooses to go back up the spout, knowing the danger of being washed out again. That is bravery. That is having faith in yourself. That is also persistence and patience.

That spider waited until the rain was done to try again. What is never said though is whether he makes it to the top of the spout, which leads me to believe, this up and down journey is something this spider will just have to deal with, as will I. It’ll be tough, but I want this spider’s resilience. Eensy weensy, he may be, but they wrote a song about him, and he’s making a difference in my world. That leads me to my next question: Did I really need a masters degree to make a difference?

                At the end of my graduation ceremony, The Chairman said something to us graduates that will always resonate with me. He said, “You were extraordinary before you came here.”

If that were the case, then why did I feel I needed that piece of paper? To open doors? To make my family/friends proud? To join the upper echelon of Masters? What’s the significance?

                Here’s the meat of why I feel I needed this degree…

                To be blunt, I’m sure the number is small, but I know there are tons of people who could care less about my progress. Most of these people are black men. I’ve met these men before in my life and either we’ve had little in common, or they’ve never uttered a word to me. Instead these are the men who have ridiculed me from the age of 5 until even now, judged me because I never fit in with them or fit a stereotype like they did, and whose lacerating words/comments to me have been the reason I push myself so hard, even now. They dismiss me because my conversations are about substantial items as opposed to the mundane. Lastly, none of them wanted to be truly associated with me. (I dare people to refute this) Though my master’s degree will not change how they feel about me, it’s proof to some of these men that disliking me doesn’t stop my hunger for greatness and going about it through the proper channels, at that. These haters have reminded me, in little ways, of my father, whose heart means sooooooooooooo well…but he just never executed the job of being a father properly.

Though I love him, I always vowed to never be like my father, who I used to watch cheat on my mother. I vowed to never let opportunities pass me by, like he did. I also chose to not become the guy who “waited on foodstamps” to come to my house or use sickness as an excuse to not work. I needed my family name to be associated with greatness…not mediocrity. For far too long I needed full support from my father, but over time, he’s proven too inconsistent to trust, so I have to trust him to be inconsistent. That sucks, but its life.

I always had huge dreams and I had a mother who was there to see them flourish. She was someone who never got mad at my success and who ALWAYS found a way to support me financially and emotionally. She and I have been through too many rough times for me to even list, but it was always she in my corner. And she never thought twice about helping me. My mother  is the woman who told me two week ago that she has always been so proud of me and she’s happy I pursued the thing I loved the most and that she will continue to invest in me because she knows the outcome will be hugely rewarding. She is the woman who when I was in tears about having no money at all to my name here in Scotland, she said, “Shut up! And stop worrying yourself. I got something put away for you for a rainey day (so I could climb back up the spout).”

She also told me, “Tom, I have all the faith in the world that you are going to succeed. You just have to have that faith in yourself.”

I still have days where my faith in myself wavers a bit. How could it not when I’m alone in a foreign place? But I have my mother in my corner, my LIVE 5, my family, and my grandmother watching over me in heaven. I’ll be fine.

It’s still raining here in Glasgow…it’s light sometimes and sometimes it’s pouring, but you best believe, when there is a sliver of sun, I’m starting my journey up the spout again…

Life Changing Piece of paper

Mark 6:41-44,48-50
Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand… He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, because they all saw him and were terrified. Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

After Jesus performed an astounding miracle with the physical provision of food to 5,000 men and their families using just five loaves and two fish, it was disheartening to hear how the disciples were down on morale and struggling at the oars and that is the reason Jesus decided to walk to them on water to encourage them. Somehow I think I would be full of courage and strength if I were to witness such miracles but after pondering about it, I realize that I am certainly no different from these disciples in my faith. Time and again, the Lord works his miraculous ways in our lives but we in our selfish nature either are blinded to the truth or are lost in our own selves and don’t recognize them.

You might not have seen a healing or a feeding like those reported on these pages of scripture but look back at your life and think of the little miracles that have happened? I remember prayers being answered in difficult circumstances, undue blessings coming our way in times of desperation, situations coming to pass without our efforts, etc. However, I know now that I have issues and problems and situations that I am banging God’s doors with because I am concerned God will not come through. Am I not acting like the disciples? I pray today that we will start to count our blessings and when we are faced with storms, that we will be able to submit our problems to God and wait upon him for his blessing rather than trying to fix things ourselves. This is a journey from head to heart which seems short in length but will take a lifetime!

In His Loving Service,
Vineet

Guarded Beauty