Let’s say I decide I don’t want to do, I don’t know, “crying it out”, for instance. Doesn’t that make the mom that does do the “cry it out” method feel bad when we talk about it? You don’t have to even say anything bad about it, you can just say “Oh, I don’t do ‘cry it out’ ” and that’s enough to leave a lingering feeling. Or if you do say the reason, “Oh, I think ‘cry it out’ is..” and then how do you say it?

I think the first problem is everyone is telling you what to think. So most of the arguments for or against your decision are regurgitated ideas from forums, family, etc. It’s just too much busy-ness going on. It’s a blessing to be able to get all sides, isn’t it?

I don’t know…I feel like all the sides are judgmental-sounding. I’ve heard/read things like “cribs are baby prisons”. No, seriously. Or “cry it out” is inhumane. We’re perpetuating these ideas and internalizing them. Is it necessary to make it sound evil and inhumane and cruel for us to be convinced who is right? I wish that opinions would be expressed in a way that wasn’t placing blame or hate or just general disgust. How do I find the voices who are not like this? Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places.

The other part of it is that new moms, in my observances, are just plain insecure. Anytime you are venturing some new territory, there’s this insecurity. This whole, “am I doing it right” tip-toeing. Then there’s the EXTRA pressure that someone’s life is on the line, someone you could mess up if you don’t do it right. How hard is it to not break a sweat over that fact? Some won’t let you forget it, especially when trying to sway you in a parenting advice face-off. So we gobble up all those opinions and regurgitate them out to feel more armed, when really we feel lost. We feel like if we gather an opinion, fast, then maybe we can handle all the talk out there better while we get enough footing and figure it out.

So, I’m frustrated. I’ve been for a long time, maybe since the beginning of this journey. There is an inside of me that feels judgmental and it makes me feel discouraged with myself. How could I let myself be this way… ever? I want to always, always, always treat others the way I want to be treated. I want to always be understanding and kind, but for some reason the parenting arena changes all that. There’s got to be a better way to do this mom thing. …right?

If there was a way for me to settle this with myself, I feel like it would rid this road block in my heart, this guiltiness I feel, towards my own kind. I’d love to get rid of that push-pull tension of wanting to help other moms, but without knowing how to be completely non-judgmental, completely stripped down. If I could do that, I’d be able to be as close to my mothering community as I’d like to be.

I also don’t want to settle for associating with moms that do everything the way I do. That makes no sense. It’s just everyone agreeing with each other and while that sounds great at easing my mind in its decisions, and while its good to flock to similar interests, I don’t want to exist in a space where people don’t ever disagree. Isn’t that just life? I’d like to deal with that. I like diversity.

I just don’t want to hear/read “Quit judging me Other Mom” stories anymore. I want past that. How can we be different without all the controversy?

It is with that in mind, that I want to say this:

Dear Mom-I-Know,

If I have EVER ever disagreed with you, or a decision you made about your child, and made you feel bad in the process, I am the utmost amount of sorry I can ever be. I struggle and I don’t mean to include you in it. I want to be able to talk to you and you to me. I’m just trying to find the best way to do that. I try my best. I don’t want to tip-toe around you, but I don’t want to offend you, but I don’t always agree with you. That’s ok, and I know it’s ok, but for some reason in the parenting world, there isn’t much encouragement, or ideas given, for us to do it any other way.

When I figure out a better way to do it, you’ll be the first to know and the first I want to share it with. I miss having a friend to completely share my ups and downs, strengths and weaknesses, both my most proud and doubtful moments, without fear that my child is not as good as yours or vice versa. ESPECIALLY vice versa. I hope I figure it out soon, so I can have a friend to share such a special part of my life.

With my best and most heartfelt sentiments,

Jasmine

Awesome boobs.

I breastfed Patience for a year. I had awesome boobs and my greedy-guts child had no problems whatsoever latching. I am lucky because I’ve heard horror stories about babies not latching or milk not producing. That is one extra stress I am grateful to have missed.

I didn’t go out much once Patience was born for a few reasons. One, I have social anxiety and had used up all my party energy while in my teens. Another reason was my then fiancé preferred the company of alcoholic teenage girls. The last reason being I had no one in my life at that time that was trustworthy enough to watch another human being. The company we kept would have traded her for magic beans.

When I did decide to go out it broke my heart. I put a lot of planning into it. Though she was gone for less than twelve hours, all of which she slept, the entire evening and week prior I was a mess.

Having little to no family support, and no friends who had yet entered the realm of parenthood, I turned to the Internet.

It was the Internet that explained to me the different pregnancy stages and what to expect of a newborn. The Internet that found me awesome deals and freebies, surely, the Internet would be there for me now.

It was not.

All I asked was if I stored my milk properly.

I received hundreds of judgmental words regarding “abandoning” my child. My baby would grow up unloved; our bond would be permanently broken. I was a horrible mother. These were very unpleasant things to read, from what I thought was my support group.

One – ONE – lovely woman came to my rescue. Not only did she tell the mean ladies behind the computer monitor to back off but shared with me the story of her flight attendant mother.

Her mother would leave for weeks at a time. Not only did the woman grow up adjusted, but maintained a healthy loving relationship with both her mother and her own children.

It seems some moms will find any reason to one up the other.

I never did find out if the milk was stored properly.

**Update**

I pumped the milk and stored it into these snazzy ziplock type bags that had the measurement on them. I then wrote the date on them and froze the milk. Just in case you were wondering :p I forget how long it could last in there but kidshealth.org has storing info.

TodayMom is asking you to go to their facebook page and answer the question, “Don’t judge me because…’  If you go there, and happen to read my answer- please don’t judge me.

Staying true to theme, here is a short list of things I have decided not to judge myself for today (and I’m hoping that you’ll join me in not judging me for these things!).

• I made banana cream pudding for breakfast and the kids are on their second bowl. I really made it because it was what sounded good to me.
• While I eyed the laundry in need of folding, I just faced the other direction, wrapped myself in a blanket, and cuddled with my kids while watching a cheesy Christmas movie.
• We chopped a little tree last Thursday, but it’s in water outside as I still don’t have a stand for it…
• I have no Christmas decorations up/out
• There are more toys on the floor than in their bins (that may be a slight exaggeration, emphasis on the slight.)
• I know it’s before noon, but now is when I usually decide what to make for dinner (so that I can have things thawed/marinated/know what to send hubbyman to the store for), but I already know that I don’t want to make dinner.
• I have a house full of fruits and vegetables (and meals made from them) and I have no interest in any of it. Only banana pudding. And a craving for a some spaghettio-s.
• I may just make soup for dinner, even though I know hubbyman won’t like it. (the only soup he deems acceptable is tomato, and only as long as it’s paired with grilled cheese. Otherwise soup does not constitute a meal. If he sees soup he’ll continue looking through the kitchen/oven/fridge hoping I also prepared something else to go along with it.)
• I’m thinking nap time should begin at 11am today!
• I refuse to get out of my pajamas today. I labeled MissE’s pajamas as “comfy clothes” to get her to join me in the pajama wearing party.
• I have no even thought about Christmas cards. And I’m refusing to give them another thought today.

Are there things you judge other parents for? Are there things you feel judged on by other mom’s (or dad’s)? Are there things you judge yourself for? Give yourself  -and others- a free pass today! And try to carry a little less judgment through the rest of the year!

I don’t think parenting is something that should be approached from that perspective, though. There are very few parenting issues that are strictly black or white and taking a view that only allows you to make decisions from a right or wrong perspective could very well be dangerous.

For example, a good friend and past client of ours had high aspirations during her pregnancy that she would have a beautiful, natural birth and that she would breastfeed her baby for a year or longer and that her parenting experience would be some glorious, natural dreamland. Of course, that was her ideal……what she didn’t expect was that as soon as she got home with her little cherub, she would start having SEVERE bouts of postpartum depression. Not only did she end up bottlefeeding, but she needs medication every day to control her depression. For her, it came down to a choice between living her ideal experience and being sane.

See…….for some of us, there are parenting decisions that are our of our hands. This friend KNEW deep in her soul that she was a breastfeeding mama. In fact, I bet if you’d asked her before her postpartum experience, she might have told you that she was intolerant of anything less. It was a hard decision for her when she finally caved in and walked away from breastfeeding but it was a necessary choice. I think that any of us who might judge her for that are working from a place much more black and white than parenting should be approached from. I personally applaud her efforts to be the kind of mom she needs to be for her sweet baby girl even if it means that she sacrifices some of her dream in the process. She and her daughter will develop a stronger bond and a MUCH healthier relationship for it.

If you’ve got people in your life who parent differently than you do, take a step back today to explore your feelings about it and remember that the ultimate goal in parenting is intact, healthy kids AND parents. Accepting that what’s right for YOUR family might not work for somebody else’s family may very well open the door to friendships you never imagined and a whole world of alternative perspectives. That accomplishes one of two things…..assuring you that you’re headed in the right direction OR opening your eyes to another way of looking at parenting that might prompt you to make positive choices you would never have considered otherwise. Who knows? In the midst of it, you might have the same affect on another mama and make a lifelong friend in the process!

~Amy