The fights were part of the battle
But we won the war
We climbed the Great Wall
And when you slipped I never let you fall….

In the air

A sweet,

Uncertain sound.

But still it hums

And swirls

Continues,

Shimmering upon the ground.

It twirls

It bends

It moves unchained

By thought of melody.

It simply is,

And ever shall be,

Twisting through

My memory.

“It can be painful … it would be an act optimistic, hopeful, would ensure faith in the future … a statement that things can not only be different, but better. “

Hanif Kureishi

The mysterious duality of the days

With great sadness I have decided to leave Buenos Aires, friends and DNI Tango School, a physical and emotional space that housed me during my stay in Buenos Aires. A place where I received invaluable training and creative stimulation, where I was responsible for the store for almost three years and learned more than I imagined.

It was a unique experience of teamwork to work as a teacher and as a member of the DNI Company. I can only say thank you.

With great happines I will receive my first child. With Arttu we decided to move and have her in Finland. A different way to grow and learn is waiting for me, an incomparable experience. Strong emotions come and go with the one certainty of all the love I have to give her.

We arrived from Buenos Aires a few days ago. We worked in Jyväskylä and Lahti, and we will also in Tampere and Orivesi in HelaTango Festival. Until end of May we will be available for group classes. You can also book private lessons by private message (carina@rajapinta.fi)

We also had a welcome from our Finnish friends and family. Thanks for the party and hugs!

Then we’ll be seeing around. Dancing and enjoying the tango that we have in our lives.

Warm hugs, Carina.

https://carinayarttu.wordpress.com/

https://dni-tango.com/carina-quiroga?lang=en

But I realise, not everyone thinks likewise. I must be mad to think fairness exists. When my parents make a mistake, I won’t side my parents. Sorry, I don’t care if your blood flows inside me and the stupid saying of “blood is thicker than water”. WRONG MEANS WRONG OMG. HOW CAN WRONG ME RIGHT JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE CLOSE TO ME IN SOME WAYS OR ANOTHER?

My brother is a difficult person who gets into lots of troubles and when he shared his side of story to me, I don’t give him my support all the time and instead, I point out his faults and the other party’s faults. A coin has two sides, remember this. Just like in Physics, the law of force, when you push something, you will get an impact (? something like this anyway).

But it doesn’t fucking work this way in life. People will side with their close ones 101% and everything they did was right while everything you do is fucking wrong.

Real-life example:

I became like this bcos of some other forces in your eyes but in reality, you are the one who shaped me like this.

But when it’s translated to your close ones, it will automatically become, I become like this because is because I’m such a person all along and it’s all my doings that shaped myself like this.

F-U-C-K-E-D        U-P

NEVERMIND. I WILL BE LIKE THIS THEN.

I can’t fight for what I really want anyway so what’s the point of taking care of my reputation right? I might as well squander my life away and be happy while it lasts. Nothing can change my mind which is set to destroy myself. If only destroying my life would grant me some mercy from you, may it be.

I-will-do-anything-and-give-up-everything-just-to-move-on.

I have loved you since the world began. I loved you as I knit you together. I loved you as you wandered the world in darkness and I loved you as I came down to save you by paying for your sins with My death on the cross. Because I know you, and I know how you FEEL loved, that is why I answered your prayers with this job and this move, because that is the language that you speak. 

Now doesn’t that just beat all? As I typed this out I thought of the catchy words “love language” and realized, God showed me HIS love in MY love language. That just tells me even more, that I have absolutely no real concept of the depth and complex layers and infinite  amount of love that God has for me.

And P.S. He loves you that much too!

I thought that earth has nothing left for me to fight for. In my life, I’ve been fighting to be someone that my parents want me to. I never had the courage to reach my dreams, do what I really want. Basically, there’s nothing to hold me back if death were to knock on my door.

Most importantly, I am elated because I can finally escape from you. I can be free from you and although I can’t be who I want to be on earth, maybe I can fight for what I want on the other side of the world.

Butter fingers blind to the grip on reality,
Just munched my way through a sandwich
Hastily thrown together like addiction
To get my belly fix
But better believe there’s some redemption
In writing a poem when I can’t right a wrong
That says, as a failed father, a poor friend,
Can you still repair the years of damage
With a cup of tea and a cigarette to help forget
Need, albeit temporarily?

 :)

TRUE  THAT

You are  a little different than all the others. eh?      I kind of like that, you know?  Me, too……

That is the way it has been all  along.

I never have liked just the normal, run of the mill type girl.   Not back then, not even now.

I color out of the box, too.   I don’t tend to “fit” into what people think I should be. I usually go them one better. lol

I still, today don’t want someone who is going to tell me how great I am.

I need somebody to be honest and tell me, lovingly, but firmly, when I am screwing up!

Someone who can do things for themselves, think for themselves.

Dang.   That’s SEXY!

A “Down To Earth Woman”

Even wrote a song about it.

You guys who need the other, need to be continually propped up?   Know what I think about that?

I wonder how secure you really are about where you are and who you are.

Do you really know and feel you are a real man?

I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, anywhere, anytime.   I know who I am.

By the way, I don’t have to have a different woman every night to try to convince myself I’m a real man, either.

Just Sayin’,  I know who I am.   Do YOU?

Thanks

http://www.weddingindustryexperts.com/votes/4jcmJJi4B.html

That’s my  daughter Caitlyn.   She is 12, going 

Love her dearly.   She is my Sunshine.   [Been our pet name since she was born.]

She decided to leave this past weekend.   

Lot of changes going on in her life.   Mine, too it seems.   For all of those out there with teenagers and pre-teens, [especially girls] you know it is a wild ride.  Even more so for a single dad.

“You never spend time with me or talk to me!” they shout.  They never seem to just speak very often, do they?  Yet, when Caitlyn comes home it is:

Me:   “Hi, Sunshine, missed you, love you!” …..

Caitlyn:   “mmm Fmmmfffmm” [carrying whatever in her mouth]

The only other sounds I hear are the rushing winds as she hurries down the hall, usually with the friend of the day who is staying the night, “Oh, I did ask ahead of time, didn’t I”, [no], to the dungeon she calls her room, then the door shutting.   Then they hurredly get on their respective  computers, into the chat room and fire up their avatars for the rest of the night.

This goes for the weekend, too.   Her only breaks are for modeling gigs and the like.

So.   When is this heart-to-heart supposed to take place?   And how?   Anyone else feel frustrated?

Hey, I came through raising a son with flying colors.   This is a whole different, maddening war.   Wow.   lol

So, as I said, she is no longer here.   For now.    

…Maybe I’ll get a nice dog.   They actually talk to you.   And like you.

Fast and slow,

No matter where it is

I go.

Blank pages

Filling with black thoughts

Inscribed

Between the lines.

Blotted pages

Of wild thought

Captured imperfectly

Therein.

Who can cage

A thought?

Who can capture

Emotion with words?

Not even the writer

Knows.

Today I’m working on painting the living room. I promise I will fill in all the backstory, but the best place to start (and the way my mind works) is to start right here and then pick out subjects to elaborate on. So here’s a few topics to look forward to (and typing this will keep me accountable). 

kids homeschool 

turning 40

becoming an athlete

crying freely

asking God to show me how He loves me

getting fired (Scott)

quitting my job (me)

God answering years of prayers, avalanche style (fast and furious!)

Okay that should keep me busy for awhile. I hope you all have a GREAT Saturday and take time to work a little, rest a little and play a LOT! 

Art by Gary L. Irwin

copyrite 2012 all rights reserved                                                                                      

We look innocent in this picture, don’t we?  One of us was.  They caught me and made me wear the dumb hat anyway for the picture. Didn’t wear it right, and it left right after.

Ah, but let’s zoom on to high school.  Another couple guys.  Looked, well almost normal, whatever that was supposed to be.  But, oh so far from it.

Me, and my buddy Joe.  What a team.

In one day in our senior year, we did enough pranks to make them wish they had never seen our class.  The amazing thing was, we didn’t get caught, even though almost every student in the top floor knew who did the pranks!

Try that now.  We would be branded terrorists.  Jailed.  Or worse. : /)

Prank 1.  Trash On Fire…     

[Mind you we were in all honors classes.]  There was a teacher no one liked,  not even other teachers.  This teacher couldn’t teach, but had tenure.  BORING….   We set her trash can on fire.  She ran out screaming,  we put out the fire.  We all sat there laughing, then the whole class acted like there wasn’t a thing wrong when she returned with the principle…. who thought she’d gone nuts.

Lunch Time ….

Prank 2.  Bells, what Bells? …..  

 The building was octagon shaped.  It had 5 bells to signal period changes etc.  We needed time for all the lunch plans.  So I put Joe on my shoulders and with the screwdriver we liberated from the tech lab, we relieved each bell of its outer shell.  Nothing to make a noise! A Veeeery long lunch break.

We put them all in the seldom used emergency closet.

Prank 3. The Paper Caper….    

 One teacher always went to a particular men’s stall after his lunch to read his “paper”, which was really a girlie mag.  He was a bully to the freshmen.  It was almost time for him, so we went into his stall, put a [now outlawed] Cherry-bomb firecracker, fused to a cigarette, in a zip-lock bag, in the water bowl of the toilet and left.  The results, they say were awesome! [pore toilet]

Prank 4.  Let’s Play Hide The Fork…

This one was already under way.  We had our friends, actually the whole student body, start collecting their silver wear, no we didn’t use plastic then, and put it through the hole I made in the top of my large locker outside the lunch room downstairs. This one lasted until the last week of school.  They ran out of real utensils and started using  plastic.  Oops.  I may have started that back then.  Sorry.

Prank 5.  The Fire Extinguisher Dance…

We took a large fire extinguisher, pulled the pin and taped the trigger and put it in position in a teacher’s locker such that when they opened it, the extinguisher’s “spray arm” danced merrily, spraying a welcome dose of powder all over said teacher.  Still laugh @ that one. : )

Prank 6.  The Case of The Bouncing Teacher… [hey, we used our math skills]

This gave us time for the day’s final prank.  One teacher had a high-rise made of plywood, in the advanced English class.  The better to see us with, as we doned our headsets in our booths and followed along reading Beowulf. [Gag]

Anyway, this teacher had a piano stool to sit on.  Always turned it three turns to the left, two turns to the right, then sat down.  We fooled with it until it was just right.

The whole class was in suspense, and could hardly keep from turning completely around.

One, two, three turns left.   One, two turns right.   Sit down.  BOOM – BOOM -BOOM.   400 pounds bounces pretty good on plywood.

Sometimes a picture is just, well, stupid. As stupid as that stupid hat was. Who the crap designed such a thing to force a kid to wear it anyway?

I know I didn’t fall for it! I ran. lol But, oh, my poor brother. Doesn’t he look, well, anguished, maybe, in his new wonderful [gag] green hat? Shoulda been child abuse. Heh, heh.

Well, we rebels did learn to say no way and see ya later dude real quick, even then. Think I went to play with the dog, found a neighbor girl and we all three went for a walk until that day was over. I had more fun.

At least until I got home. Only pretended it hurt. Had stuffed two rolls of toilet paper in the rear of my pants!

Still love it. Still saying no to lots of things. They still think I’m weird. He’s an engineer now. I’m a musician, writer, artist. I’m never bored. Love where I am and what I am. Wear a custom T that says “I don’t suffer from insanity…. I love every minute of it!..”.

At least I never wore a stupid green hat! lol