Imagine an alternate universe without Katie Price. Bliss.

Today marked the beginning of a two-week conference in the Danish capital of Copenhagen in which delegates from 192 countries are taking part in talks regarding climate change and, more importantly, THE END OF THE WORLD.

For some of those 192 countries, it truly could be the beginning of the end. If the science is to be believed, several low-lying nations across the planet could completely disappear by 2100 due to rising sea levels. If you, like me, always wanted to take a short holiday on the islands of Tuvalu, Nauru, Kiribati or Vanuatu, you may not have much time left. Even areas in the likes of London and New York could resemble Venice if they don’t sort out their flood defence systems.

Still, the main problem at the moment isn’t just debate on what should be done and what should be believed – it’s who should take responsibility. Some of the richest governments in the world (the US, Germany, France, UK, Italy, Japan, Canada and Russia, collectively known as the G8) agree to aim for a target of keeping the global average temperature rise since pre-industrial times to 2C.  However, smaller nations (mainly islands) have been arguing for a lower target of 1.5C because 2C would still not help them keep their heads, ahem, above water.

In the meantime, the 52 states in The African Union have threatened to walk out if the developed countries refuse to support the smaller nations financially; the 43 countries in AOSIS (Association of Small Island States) will not sign a crappy version of a deal if its not good enough for them; and the G77 (a loose coalition of nations that actually has 130 members, not 77) is probably going to side with the little countries and make things even more difficult for the big guns.

Everything is going swimmingly, then.

The problem I’m having with it all is that, well, civilisation is going to end anyway. It’s a pretty likely scenario – depending on who you talk to, the universe could continue to expand until everything freezes over, or contract inwards and collapse into itself in a Big Crunch. There are several other alternatives that I’m more excited about – the possibility of man being able to negotiate through space and settle down in some far-off galaxy, or even travel through a black hole and end up in an alternate dimension where L. Ron Hubbard is God and The Sun doesn’t have Katie Price on the front page, ever. Considering man hasn’t been beyond low Earth orbit since 1972, I don’t see much hope for anything like this. If we land a man on Mars in our lifetime I’ll be surprised.

My favourite prediction however is from crazy nut-job Ray Kurzweil, who thinks that we’ll all be able to upload our minds onto computer by the 2030’s, all our organs will be replaced by cybernetic implants by the 2040’s, and all distinction between man and machine will no longer exist after the 2050’s. Computers will pass a point in which they will have to be made bigger instead of smaller if they want to be more powerful, so that by 2099 there will be PLANET-SIZED COMPUTERS which will mean we are all at one with the entire universe.

Sounds pretty cool huh? Of course those theories all hinge on countries being able to work together and spend enough money to make it happen before we kill ourselves in a nuclear war or global warming disaster. And that’s the thing – we as a civilisation cannot ever all agree on something; and we are all bloody useless with finances. Lets face it – the human race is full of shit-heads only looking out for themselves. Since the beginning of human history we’ve been fucking things up. I don’t think we have enough class, or brains, to take responsibility for the whole climate change thing.

Yes, maybe it was partly our fault, but who says we have to deal with it? Who made the rules? Where is the King of the World to tell us the right and wrong way to deal with something? Who made us humans the species in charge anyway? Who the hell was in charge before we showed up? So many questions, so little time. And hey, isn’t that Jesus fella meant to come past one day and give us the score?

I think until that happens, we should just sit back and let squirrels, donkeys, kookaburras and dung beetles sort it out. Dung beetles are better at handling shit than we are anyway.

A CROSSDRESSING CAGE FIGHTER…..NOW THERES A NEW TWIST !!!

JORDAN AND ALEX REID BACK TOGETHER

JORDAN is back with hunk Alex Reid – but only because she is terrified he will reveal all about their romps. Jordan has agreed to give their romance another go after cross-dressing Reid bombarded her with texts and calls. But pals say the reunion is all a fake and just a blatant bid from her to stop him from blabbing about their four-month relationship. Her fears were sparked last week when she realised Alex, 34, had signed her confidentiality agreement as his cross dressing alter ego “Roxy”. This could make the contract null and void meaning he might be free to make a fortune by selling his story. A furious Kate was advised by her management to pay Alex off to keep him quiet. But instead the glamour girl has invited him to move back in to her Surrey mansion in a bid to keep him sweet. A source close to Kate said: “She thought she was safe making him sign the agreement but it seems the signature was never checked. “It was very cheeky indeed of Alex but pretty clever. “There is one thing almost as important to Kate as her kids and that’s money. “She hates the thought of people making money out of her and was not about to hand it to Alex on a plate.” Sources close to Alex say he is “over the moon” and really believes the reunion is for real. One pal said: “Alex was gutted when Kate dumped him on air after leaving the I’m A Celebrity jungle. He is mad about the girl for some reason.”

Cornish beach could fetch £30,000

Maybe Im Being Thick But Why Would Anyone Buy It…….”the new owner would not be allowed to do anything with the land. The successful bidder will not be allowed to build on the land or make it private”

A stretch of beach in Cornwall is expected to fetch £30,000 at auction later.

The 17-acre sand and pebble beach is near Plaidy Beach, east of Looe, and overlooks Looe Island.It is unusual for beaches to be sold privately but this is the second such sale in Cornwall this year after Upton Towans beach in Gwithian.The successful bidder will not be allowed to build on the land or make it private.The beach does not have any buildings on it, does not generate any income, and is overlooked by several houses.Richard Argles from the auctioneers Colliers CRE, called it a “trophy purchase” because the new owner would not be allowed to do anything with the land.He said: “We sold Upton Towans earlier this year, before that we last sold a beach 20-years-ago so it’s very rare.”The 76-acre Upton Towans beach fetched £80,000 at auction in July 2009, although bidding started at £50,000.

The Wedding

Remember The Days

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales
At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
They stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The waitress leaned over and said,

“Burrr …… Gurrr …… King

Todays WTF !!

CORRIE: AUDREY LAUNCHES A CHARMER OFFENSIVE

GLAMOROUS grannie Audrey Roberts finally gets a man in her life… and he’s clearly a bit of a charmer.The salon owner attends the Weatherfield Traders’ Association Christmas party with her eye on a widower called Will.She gets all dolled up for the glitzy bash but it’s suave Lewis, not Will, who catches her eye.Sadly, Lewis turns out to be on a date with her old pal Claudia, leaving Audrey disappointed. But when Claudia reveals that Lewis is in fact a male escort, Audrey is over the moon.She’s so taken with him that she asks Claudia for his business card and contemplates paying for his services.But having gone to the ball with Weatherfield busybody Norris Cole she quickly realises she’ll have to be careful to keep what he does for a living from her family and friends.A Coronation Street insider said: “Audrey is completely taken with Lewis. He’s everything she finds attractive in a man.“She’s absolutely gutted when she finds out that he’s with Claudia. So when she discovers the truth it means that she can then pursue him.“You’d think it would put her off and a lot of women would run a mile. But it’s been so long since she’s had any romance in her life that the whole idea of paying for it means it will all be on her terms.“It’s a very modern approach but one which we’re sure her daughter Gail would not approve of.“Audrey will have to be very careful if she wants to keep the truth from her family as these things always have a habit of coming out.“It doesn’t help that she meets Lewis when she’s with Norris.“He’s probably the worst person she could have been with.”

Eastenders

Hapless Ian Beale wakes up naked in bed with scheming Janine Butcher and has no idea what happened the night before.The wealthy entrepreneur, who bails out the Mitchell family from the loan sharks, agrees to see the minx to discuss a business proposal. But when he turns up at her flat it’s pretty clear that it’s not just the business she wants him to look over.Ian guesses what she’s up to and tells her he isn’t prepared to sell the Mitchells’ debt to her and Archie. Flattering Ian, she tells him she knew she wouldn’t be able to pull the wool over his eyes and convinces him to stay for a drink. It doesn’t take long for Janine to get everything she needs in order to blackmail him. An EastEnders insider said:“ Janine and Archie are desperate to get their hands on the Queen Vic. “So when Ian takes on the loan that the Mitchells own they quickly realise that he is their best option. And it’s left to Janine to do everything she can to get Ian to sign it over. “She manages to track down Ian’s estranged wife Jane and convinces her to consider a reconciliation with him. “Ian knows nothing about her contact with Jane when she sets up a dodgy business meeting with him. “Janine knows the only way she’ll be able to blackmail him is to make sure he has something to lose – Jane. Her plan works like a dream. “She gets him into her bedroom by massaging his ego. “From that point on it’s a done deal. Ian is mortified when he wakes up. He has no idea what they did the night before, so Janine has real fun torturing him.”

Couple’s £22,000 compensation for ’stressful’ penthouse cruise

A couple who complained that they were “treated like gipsies” on a cruise where they were given a penthouse suite with their own butler received £22,000 compensation, it has emerged.

The Queen Victoria ocean liner in Sydney Harbour after the Milners left

Terence and Cynthia Milner, of Leeds, sued after their £59,000 “once in a lifetime” holiday on the maiden cruise of the Queen Victoria was disrupted by sleepless nights, stormy conditions and mouth ulcers. When they complained about their noisy cabin they were upgraded to the penthouse suite and offered a series of other rooms but they said that they felt “trapped”. Mrs Milner spent £4,300 on ball gowns ahead of the 15-week round-the-world sailing but the couple abandoned the “stressful” cruise after only six weeks, leaving the dresses unworn and an “unwelcome reminder” of the experience. They opted to stay in a luxury resort in Honolulu and sail back on the QE2 rather than continue on the £270 million liner to Southampton and Singapore.Despite receiving a £48,240 refund, they sued for “loss of enjoyment” and received £22,000 damages at Skipton County Court. Cunard is challenging the award at London’s Civil Appeal Court.

Now Queen goes gaga over Gaga… who turned up to Royal Variety show dressed as Elizabeth I

Blackpool has seen plenty of changes since last hosting the Royal Variety Show more than 50 years ago. But none as noticeable as the performers on the bill.Last night the Queen and Prince Philip were entertained by a leather-clad Lady Gaga,  a stomach-baring X Factor winner and a 17-year-old in miniscule hotpants.Back in 1955 the scene was a lot more restrained, with Morecambe and Wise, Arthur Askey and George Formby amusing their Royal audience.

Lady Gaga bows to the Queen after the Royal Variety Performance in Blackpool

GaGa wore a red leather Elizabethan-inspired dress

Gaga arrived on stage to close the show wearing a red leather dress with a 20ft long red train. She teamed the outfit with huge circles of red eye make-up, for a panda-style look.Her dress appeared to be inspired by Queen Elizabeth I, with an oversized ruffle at the neck.The Poker Face singer performed Speechless – the song she wrote for her father Joseph, who suffers from a heart condition.

Suspended on a swing her performance spared no expense

Swinging by: Lady Gaga gave the audience their money’s worth

Last night he was sitting in the crowd to see his daughter perform. The singer has credited Joseph with helping her beat a cocaine addiction before she became famous.X Factor winner Alexandra Burke chose the evening as the ideal place to show off her trim stomach.The 21-year-old, who dropped from a size 14 to an 8 during last year’s X Factor show, seems to have toned up even more during the intervening months.

Working out: Alexandra Burke unveiled a toned stomach

Look at me: Alex shows off her newly trim stomach muscles

High-energy performances of her number one single Bad Boys, along with her packed days touring, appear to have helped her achieve an impressive midriff.In her gold American football outfit, with padded shoulders and black leather heels, Alexandra gave a spirited performance.But it was 17-year-old Miley Cyrus who wore the most daring outfit of the night.

Leather girl: Teen superstar Miley Cyrus performed in short hotpants

The 17-year-old’s raunchy dance moves left little to the imagination

That’s more like it: Miley changed into an orange floor-length gown to meet Her Majesty

Her tiny hotpants revealed the young stars thighs as she performed raunchy dance moves onstage.It is not known what the Royal audience made of the show.More than 1,000 people turned out to catch a glimpse of the monarch and the Duke of Edinburgh as they arrived for the gala evening.

Relight her fire: Lulu shows off her moves

Here come the Girls: Chaka Chan, Lulu and Anastasia

Wearing a black gown and shawl, designed by Angela Kelly, the Queen smiled at the crowd gathered outside the Opera House, where the star-studded performance was held.Veteran comedian Frank Carson greeted the royal couple inside the famous theatre, while his three young granddaughters presented the Queen with a posy of flowers.He attempted to give Prince Philip a pair of cufflinks bearing the English flag, but he politely declined to accept them.

Frank Carson and his granddaughters meet the Queen and Prince Philip

How things have changed: The Queen and Prince Philip meet Arthur Askey in ‘55

‘I tried to give him the cufflinks as a bit of a joke, but he handed them back. There was a note in the box saying ‘Stolen by Frank Carson’.'I think he saw the funny side,’ Carson said.Classical singer Faryl Smith led the National Anthem, alongside The Soldiers – Trooper Ryan Idzi, Sergeant Richie Maddocks and Sergeant Major Gary Chilton – a singing trio who served in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Daring: Britain’s Got Talent winners Diversity perform

Sing stars: Bette Midler and Katherine Jenkins

Comedian Peter Kay, host for the charity spectacular, welcomed the Queen to Blackpool, declaring it ‘the entertainment capital of the world’.He said his Nan was sitting near the monarch and they would be ’swapping fudge by the interval’.'She might be in her 80s but she still pulls her wheelie bin out every Tuesday night. I just wish my Nanna would,’ he joked.

Here come the boys: Singer Mika and Canadian star Michael Buble

X Factor: Robbie Williams to sing on final… despite wild-eyed first attempt

His last worrying appearance on the X Factor left millions of viewers fearing that Robbie Williams was not up to the challenge of making a big comeback.But now it seems, the 35-year-old pop star is ready to grace the X Factor stage again – and is being lined up to perform on the grand finale of the ITV talent contest.Olly Murs will duet with Williams, while Joe McElderry will sing with George Michael and Stacey Solomon will be joined onstage by Canadian crooner Michael Buble.

Robbie Williams is to perform on the X Factor final, despite his first performance being criticised

Beatles legend Sir Paul McCartney will also perform on the final, which will run over Saturday and Sunday.For Williams, there will be much to prove after he left fans distinctly underwhelmed with a performance of his number one hit Bodies on the first results show of the series.It was meant to be his triumphant comeback performance following a spell in rehab battling an addiction to prescription drugs, as he promoted his album, Reality Killed the Video Star.

But wide-eyed, unblinking and glistening with sweat, the singer regularly interrupted his lyrics to shake hands with audience members and address the crowd.And his performance left many of the 13million viewers wondering if he was quite ready for the challenge.

Wild eyed: Robbie leaves the X Factor

Afterwards, Williams blamed the performance on a stage malfunction, as the sliding door, which was supposed to open before he sang, failed at the last minute.He admitted he had battled nerves, saying: ‘Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had 10million-plus people ready to judge you on your first performance back in three years, but let me tell you, if the door between you and them isn’t opening that’s enough to throw you right off your stride.’

However, after the ‘bizarrely odd start’ he started to ‘find his feet’.He added: ‘The audience were immense and the love in the room was palpable. It all felt so electric. Like three years of anxiety leaving my body.’A show source said: ‘Everyone has a lot of love for Robbie and it would be a fantastic conclusion to the series if he came back and did an immense performance.’I have a feeling it would also lay some of his demons to rest.’The hopefuls were yesterday taken home and Joe, 18, went back to the two-bedroom flat he shares with his mother in South Shields, County Durham, with his mentor Cheryl Cole, who also hails from Newcastle.And the student, who is the bookmakers favourite to win with odds of 2/5, was bombarded by crowds of adoring fans.If Joe wins, he will be swept away from his humble background for good. His mother Eileen, 47, has already revealed how he slimmed down to nine stone after binging on sausage rolls, chips and fizzy drinks at school.But he lost weight in a bid to get on the X Factor, running three miles every other day and using his mother’s friend’s exercise bike, as well as sticking to a diet of vegetables and low-fat meat.

Joe McElderry and his fellow Geordie,  mentor Cheryl Cole, caused a stir in South Shields last night

Eileen split from Joe’s father, probation officer Jim McElderry, 47, when Joe was a baby, but said they have a great relationship.Single mother Stacey Soloman, 19, is second favourite to win the million-pound recording contract at 4/1, while Olly Murs, 25, is at 5/1.Show sources revealed that Simon Cowell was upset over Danyl Johnson’s departure, saying: ‘He really thought that Danyl had done enough to get through to the final.’Meanwhile, Barry Manilow has hit out at the X Factor contestants, saying they are merely performing high-octane karaoke rather than singing a song.He said: ‘They cram extra notes into each bar and it’s all about vocal acrobatics.’

In the beginning, there was news.

Then people, for argument’s sake let’s call them journalists, thought it would be a good idea to print news. The newspaper was born.

Many years later, the internet came along.

The internet quickly became a repository for anonymously abusing people, watching pornography, and of course reading news.

When the UK’s national papers jumped on the online bandwagon they thought it would be a good idea to make their content free to whoever wanted to read it.

Sales of physical newspapers were not in as dire a state as they are now and anyway, if sales started to fall away they could always start charging and people would be happy to pay up, right? Wrong.

“Money, so they say, is the root of all evil today.” – Pink Floyd, 1973

Last week, former Cardiff Journalism School student and current UK editor of paidcontent.org Rob Andrews came back to his old stomping ground to give a talk about the problems facing newspapers as they try and bring in money from online sales.

The main issue is very simple. People don’t want to pay for something they can find for free somewhere else.

Rob explained how difficult it is for online sales to put money in the kitty

You see, you should never underestimate people’s willingness to shop around for freebies.

And with so many news aggregators around online, it is becoming easier for people to find free news if they are determined enough.

While some papers, including the Financial Times, have experienced some success after setting up paywalls, Rupert Murdoch’s ambition to do the same with The Times is likely to be less fruitful.

Because you’re worth it

Now I’m not saying many – if not all – of the UK’s national papers deserve income from their online stories.

While the stories themselves may be the same as those available for free elsewhere on the web, The Times and its counterparts frequently display a far greater standard of journalism.

Take, for example, this brilliantly-written article from Daniel Finkelstein.

It shows a lot of depth that cannot be found elsewhere, yet people will still prefer to read articles like this which are free, informative and to the point.

Keep it snappy

When I went on a work experience placement at BBC Sport, one of the first tasks I was given was to write four-paragraph stories.

I was told that four paragraphs are all you see on the first page of Ceefax, and that on the website you have to scroll down to get to paragraph five.

People don’t like scrolling down, I’ve heard. It requires too much effort.

The difference with the FT and other similar sites is that they provide expert information.

People go on sites like this because they are looking for something specific. And by ’something specific’ I don’t just mean ‘Who is Katie Price going out with this week’ or ‘What film did I see that actor in?’

I mean information that people can trust, specialist information that readers need to be able to rely on.

Mmmm… free goo

Recent trends seem to show that people are moving towards free sites, no matter how uninformed or useless the information they provide is.

And the polls which Rob showed us seem to suggest that forcing people to pay for news will be ambitious at best.

The one potential saving grace, which seems like a fairly remote possibility, is that Murdoch’s plans will drive readers back to print media.

Is this the end for print media?

But have people really just stopped reading papers because they can get the exact same stories for free, or is it because they simply don’t like carrying a paper around with them every day and ending up with a pile of useless ‘old news’?

The Evening Standard would seem to side with the former, jumping the  gun by becoming a freesheet and – one would assume – seeking to get advertising companies on their side early and generate something approaching a steady revenue.

And while Murdoch hopes to buck the trend, few have been able to convince themselves that paywalls are the answer to journalism’s woes.

After all, the success of paywalls requires something far more difficult than writing an award-winning story. It requires convincing people to change their habits.

Most people either love reality TV or hate it. ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ always starts off with a group of fame hungry desperados who very quickly win the Nation’s hearts. They’re prepared to put themselves through humiliation bordering on cruelty to recapture their moment of fame and in the process many of them embark upon a profound and long lasting personal journey.

The latest series of ‘I’m a Celebrity’ has been no exception. Once Katie Price had left the jungle; it was suddenly much easier to notice friendships growing; trust flourishing and personal reflection starting. Whatever we think of these people who put themselves through eating Kangaroo testicles in a bid to win; the experience does always seem to have a profound effect on them and I often find myself feeling proud of the changes they’ve made and the people they have become.

Personal transformation often happens when people have a profound experience that is away from their normal environment and outside their comfort zone. Some people have greater resilience and can continue hiding behind the facade for longer but eventually their fears and strengths will be exposed and once they have been, the learning begins. I’ve led 4 expeditions in my life. Emails, texts, phone calls, hot running water on demand, a wardrobe full of clean clothes, any type of food you can imagine; it’s when all of these things are stripped away that people start to look at themselves.

Once people start to reflect in this emotional way; they will often identify things that they want to change. It might be to do with their own behaviours; it could be to do with personal and professional fulfilment; it might even be to do with relationships. And when they get home they almost always carry these changes through.

So whilst ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ is car crash TV; it’s also a great example of how people can learn through experience and make profound and lasting personal changes and for that reason I applaud it.

By Ruth Moody

So, if you’re anything like me, you’re probably fed up of Jordan/Katie Price stealing space in our beloved gossip magazines, but somehow we still find ourselves reading the latest! It isn’t exactly hot off the press that she has left the jungle…but the story goes on.And on.

Jordans’ attempt at making the public like her backfired horribly as her second (and lets hope-last) stint on “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here” saw her voted to endure all of the bush-tucker trials that she was eligible for. She reportedly wanted her ex Peter Andre to watch the show and “see the girl he fell in love with”. She didn’t manage to sway public opinion and finally quit after being voted for another trial.

During her post-jungle interview, Ant and Dec asked her if her exit had been planned from the start as boyfriend Alex Reid had flown out to Oz that day. Katie then, quite harshly, revealed that she wasn’t with him anymore and didn’t want a relationship. Nice, when he was just about to propose.

Jordan/Katie seems to be desperate to get back together with ex-hubby Peter but it seems unlikely – his career has never been so good…granted, it didn’t exactly have a lot to top in the first place!  He’s GMTV’s showbiz presenter with a new album and a load of new fans who have jumped on the ‘Team Andre’ bandwagon. Peter even compared himself to Cheryl Cole saying that they had both become popular following marital trouble. Good to see Peter looking at his divorce as a career move…

It’s also been reported that she might take Alex back (depending how much she can get for a magazine deal for the exclusive announcement maybe?)

It seemed strange to me that while Katie was in the jungle, Pete was apparently thrilled to be looking after his children. Then he cropped up presenting a backstage section of ‘Children in Need’. Ironic. His children are also in need-of parents who can actually be bothered to spend time with them and live without constantly fighting for the limelight like toddlers fighting over a toy.

See Katies’ ”I’m a Celeb” interview below:

On I’m a Celebrity get me out of here UK Katie Price decided to ask her fellow “celebrity” competitors in the Jungle what they actually think of her! and happily (to me) there is someone in there who never holds there words back, Kim Woodburn, she is off a program called “How clean is your house” and she lays into indestructible Katie who just lays there and takes it!

Its such a pleasure to watch! I had to pause it a few times because it was so full on! but then I watched it again…

For your viewing pleasure below!

Tennis ace Andy Murray seems to have found comfort in the arms of the current Miss Scotland, Katharine Brown, after his split from Kim Sears.

Reports suggest that the newly single Brit champ is dating Katharine.

Hunky Andy, 22, recently announced his split from long-term love Sears, a 21-year-old student.

Kim has moved out of their 5million pounds Surrey mansion and the tennis ace is now seeing 22-year-old Katharine.

The model, who went to school with Andy, was spotted cheering him on at Wimbledon earlier this year and even flew out to support him at a tournament in Spain.

A friend said that his split from Kim was quite amicable.

“There were no blazing rows or anything like that. Kim left under amicable circumstances. They remain good friends,” the Daily Star quoted a pal as saying.

OK! magazine has won our, um, admiration for its valiant attempt to summarise star columnist Katie Price in one sentence. In the 24 November issue, OK! describes her thus:

“With a face full of Botox, a mouth like a Kalashnikov and a head packed with explosive secrets, celebrity tornado Katie Price is sure to cause total mayhem as she rips through the I’m A Celebrity… jungle camp.”

Now, we really don’t think that “Pricey” (as she disturbingly refers to herself in the third person) caused anything like “mayhem” in her brief return to the jungle (boredom? Possibly).

Her mouth is only like a Kalashnikov if guns are pumped full of Russian filler and made into a rictus trout pout… which, as far as we know, they aren’t.

And we’ve never heard of a tornado being a celebrity before.

But the combination of odd similes and over-exaggeration in this sentence – not to mention its sheer flamboyance – surely deserves a prize for something. We’re sure “Pricey” will include this description in the blurb to her next ghost-written book, too.

(Daily Mirror)

Amy Winehouse’s taxi driving dad Mitch has made the startling revelation that not only has his singer daughter met Alex Reid, but they talked about what was the best sexy lingerie to buy.

Talking on his new chat show on Living TV, he said that Amy and cross-dressing cagefighter Alex – or perhaps it was his female alter-ego Roxanne – talked pants in London’s Selfridges the other day. Mitch made the revelation after saying how disappointed he was that Katie Price had quit I’m A Celebrity.

In his “Showbiz Rant” section of the show, he said: “I got the right hump today; Jordan’s out of the jungle. And as for her dumping Alex live on TV, I will be sad to see the back of him because his choice in underwear is absolutely superb. In fact we went underwear shopping the other day, Amy and I were in Selfridges and he was in there, Amy and Alex were swapping lingerie tips.”

ALEX IS NO TARZAN FOR KATIE

After leaving the jungle last Sunday night, Katie Price exclusively  told presenters Ant and Dec in an interview: “I’ve done a lot of reflecting. I think it’s best I’m on my own, I just don’t want to be in a relationship. I hope we can remain friends.”

The model who split from her singer ex-husband Peter Andre in May this year claimed she felt a second shot at the jungle experience would bring closure on her 6 year relationship with Pete.

However after being repeatedly voted by the public to complete bushtucker trials, Price felt enough was enough and claimed…. Im a Celebrity… Get me out of here!

Her former cage-fighter boyfriend Alex Reid is apparently devastated after flying out to Australia to see her.

Im sure it wont be long until the model has another action man like figure on her arm.

WATCH OUT FOR THE DIVA

American Diva Mariah Carey was in town last week to make an appearance on the X-factor.

The singer who has an endless list of hits and numerous albums also made a trip to the GMTV studio.

Presenter Kate Galloway got into a bit of bother however writing in her column in Now! magazine that Mariah ”had two people to lower her on to the GMTV sofa”, “brought her own toilet roll as well” and had an entourage that “outnumbered the entire GMTV crew”.

She was forced to apologise after Mariah’s reps called it a “clear, gross exaggeration” – and it turned out she wasn’t even in the studio at the time.

Note to Kate- dont mess with Mariah she’s too big a diva

NO MORE DANCING DOLLS

The Pussycat dolls are said to be on the verge of breaking up.

The rift has said to have been caused by the other girls jealousy over main singer Nicole Scherzinger.

However other rumours suggest that the lead singer, girlfriend of Formula one racer Lewis Hamilton is leaving to pursue a solo career.

Cheryl Cole has topped a poll of 4825 people by Park Christmas Savings to find out who is the Sexiest Celebrity on TV.

She won by miles, picking up 49% of the overall vote. Peter Andre was next with 17% of the votes cast with X Factor hunk Danyl Johnson in third with 16%.

Katie Price was beaten by Stacey Solomon and only managed to secure 2 more votes than John and Edward. She finished in a disappointing fifth place.

Jamie Afro might have lost the X Factor deadlock but he picked up more votes than Lloyd Daniels and Olly Murs.

Holly Willoughby fans will be upset that she ended up in eleventh place so didn’t make the Top 10.

The Survey results:

1- Cheryl Cole (2,385 votes)

2- Peter Andre (806 votes)

3- Danyl Johnson (778 votes)

4- Stacey Solomon (408 votes)

5- Katie Price (112 votes)

6- John and Edward (110 votes)

7- Jamie Afro (51 votes)

8- Lloyd Daniels (45 votes)

9- Olly Murs (26 votes)

10- Dermot O’Leary (22 votes)

Source

Guys No Joke, This is the one to watch…. The day we shot this I was so excited you can not believe. How many girls get to do a remake of their Idols Wedding!! Hot outfits, Location, Bridesmaids and a hot guy to fuck to death with my Bridesmaids!!!!!!!!!!! This scene Involves, Me Aka Whoredan and DemetriXXX!!!!! The Bridesmaids were Elle Brook, Cate Harrington and Michelle Moist… Need I say more???

Episode Five: Whoredon Marries Skeeter Andrew (also feat. Kerry Kaboner, Micha Hot-One and Sarah Hardon) Television X, Sky channel 903 Friday 27 November 10:10pm Heres your peaks

Just in case you were thinking you’d try bouncing your lovely new motorola off the surface of the nearest lake – DON’T DO IT! Motorola’s recent pebl ad showing a good looking young man skimming his pebl phone across the water where it’s picked up by a pretty woman, carried a warning which could be deemed a little unnecessary:

“Fictionalisation – the pebl phone is not water resistant”

Viewers! Don't try this at home.

Advertising, it seems, is a curious mixture of checking that we don’t believe something which is entirely implausible, and trying to make us believe something equally implausible. Take for example the L’Oreal ad featuring the lovely Cheryl Cole telling us how her hair feels full of body, replenished and has got its Mojo back. What she omits to say is that this process has nothing to do with shampoo but more to do with the 10 inch hair extensions she had put in place recently.

Things are not quite as they seem in adverts sometimes - Cheryl's hair is great, but normal, after all.

As one who has confessed on here already to a boob job I am definitely not against the occasional bit of fakery, but when it’s being used to trick teenage girls into believing that some rubbish  shampoo will make their hair look entirely different then it’s a whole new ball game. It would be like using Jordan to advertise wonderbras.

Of course there are also lots of ads which make occasionally sitting through the commercial break bearable….

Guinness are full of great ideas for advertising and they don't try and bulls**t us into believing something ridiculous

….but mostly I thank god for sky plus and a kettle.

EXCLUSIVE
November 23, 2009: Katie Price aka Jordan poses up in sexy jungle gear in the UK. She recently walked out of TV Show “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here”.

Just when I thought Katie Price was getting her PR act together she’s back to her car crash and self-harming best.

Her I’m a Celebrity walk-off interview with Ant and Dec had all the right things in it – “‘I’ve done my challenges, people can see I’m genuine”, “I really miss my kids”, “I tried my best” and “For the last seven months I have acted like a right twit. I’m sorry.” Even Paul Connolly of the Daily Mail was (almost) feeling sorry for her.

The children card was the really smart move, playing to her massive multiple-fathered-family demographic – but how has she gone on to demonstrate how much she’s missing them? By turning down the offer of a flight home to see them and choosing to remain in Aussie for another fortnight instead. Muppet.

So the idea is being banded about that John & Edward might replace Katie Price in the jungle that is “I’m a Celebrity – Get Me Out of Here”….
That seems like a reasonable suggestion to me.
After all, the jungle wouldn’t be the same without an amazing pair of TITS to look at !

So Katie Price goes back into the jungle to try and save her flagging public image, attempting to conjure up any form of positive publicity to gain acceptance in the celebrity-obsessed world she once ruled.

However, one too many bush tucker trials later, she realises this ain’t happening. So, what does the media savvy Jordan, sorry, Katie Price do? Leave the jungle, tail tucked firmly between her legs and dump her cage fighting “hunk” live on TV, and see the error of her ways? Absolutely!

With guaranteed millions of viewers, Katie made the announcement, although not the most tactful way of ending a relationship, Katie said she had a lot of time to reflect in the jungle, reflecting that in the last seven months she’s acted like a right ‘twit’ (not my first choice of words naturally). Poor, Katie eh? Or, very clever Katie…?

For her time in the jungle, Katie banked a cool, £350,000; pocket money compared to the millions she is set to earn from magazine and TV deals, not forgetting drumming up that all important public sympathy she so much loves and craves.

PR coup I hear you shout? Of course it was! Katie Price is a girl I love to hate, and although she is about as tactless as a shark in a pool, this girl knows how to play the media and keep them column inches rolling in.

Sizzling sausages, hold on to your beehives: Amy Winehouse might just be revving up to trot down the aisle and re-marry her dreamboat ex Blake Fielder-Civil after all.

Rumours emerged earlier this week that Winehouse – who divorced Fielder-Civil in August – had waved away those toxic relationship red flags and popped the question, thus cementing the gruesome twosome’s love.

Modern-day Romeo Fielder-Civil blabbed to British tabloid News of The World: “We both know we’ve only ever been divorced on paper. This is the right thing to do.”

And now Wino’s been snapped stepping out wearing a sparkler on her ring finger as she nipped out for a ciggie during her stay at a London clinic.

She wouldn’t, would she? Apparently so. Once bitten, twice in denial.

Darling Blakey reportedly told one of his mates: “She is wearing the engagement ring I gave her the first time round. I think it cost £2,000 from Tiffany.”

Speculation’s been rife for months that the pair are in cahoots, strongly signposted by Wino’s recent cheerleading for her ex (see exhibit A here) and their recent flirt-a-thon on Facebook.

“We’ve been talking five or six times a day. We changed our status to married on Facebook a couple of weeks back but that was more of a laugh. This is the real deal. She told me she wanted to get married again. I feel so happy.”

But there’s a wee spanner in the works. The nuptials will have to wait until February – because dreamboat’s not allowed back in London until then under the terms of his release from prison.

Fielder-Civil was sentenced to 27 months in jail in 2008 for assault.

Daddy Winehouse must be reeling. Actually, he’s more pragmatic than spewing his trademark indignation.

Bottom line: There will have to be a pre-nup before his delicate flower puts a ring on it.

“Blake won’t get a single penny,” Mitch reportedly said.

With a snitch adding: “Mitch has seen a solicitor. He is doing everything he can to protect his daughter. He thinks Blake brings nothing but heartache.”

Cor blimey, it’s like rubbernecking a car crash, in slow-motion.

And in related news…

Fresh from her recent op-up-on-top, Winehouse is said to have developed a palate for cosmetic enhancements.

The diminutive diva recently plumped up her wotsits from a 32B to a 32D.

Word at the water cooler says she’s now obsessing about the size of her hooter and has booked herself in for a dose of nip-tucking.

“She wants her nose made smaller to fit with her small face as she hates the fact her nose is so big and she doesn’t like the shape,” says a snitch.

“Amy says she can barely look in the mirror at the moment as she hates it so much. She’s booked in for January but is pushing to get it done sooner. Her family are dead-set against it.”

Class all the way

Like we didn’t see this one coming. ‘Glamour girl’ Katie Price (aka Jordan) dumped her cage fighter fella Alex Reid on live TV this week.

Price was a contestant on British reality TV show I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! but quit after the experience got too much for her. Boo bloody hoo.

“I have done a lot of reflection. It’s best on my own. I realised I want to be on my own. I don’t want a relationship,” she told the show presenters.

Which was news to Reid who’d only just hopped on a plane to Oz (where the series is filmed) to get down on bended knee and propose to her. Ouch!

Katie Price Quits The Jungle – The Exclusive Interview – I’m a celebrity get me out of here

Read more

Do you Aussies remember in the nineties a pop singer called Peter Andre? His debut song was Mysterious Girl?  Is this ringing any bells? You’re probably thinking, ‘oh yeah, I remember that guy’. You may also think that he was just a one-hit-wonder and like many other one hit wonders he just disappeared. Well, that’s what I thought and boy was I wrong.

Peter Andre is big in the UK. And I mean big as in, he is asked on to talk shows and has books written about him. Big as in he’s all over the media, on the front page of tabloid papers and magazines. Yep, Peter Andre is an English household name and it wouldn’t surprise me if Gordon and Sarah Brown have discussed his love life over their morning coffee.

So, how did Peter Andre get to be so big over here? Well, I’m still trying to figure it out but here’s what I’ve worked out so far:

* he went on a tv show called I’m a Celebrity … Get Me out of Here. Which I’m yet to watch but probably deserves it’s own blog post.

* On the show he hooked up with a Page 3 girl, Katie Price, known as Jordan. She’s also well-known for her big, fake boozies.

* The two got married and had their own program Katie and Peter, which apparently was rather raunchy with the two re-enacting sex whilst being full-clothed. Mmm … how appealing does that sound?

*The two got divorced resulting in a stack of books being published and everyone in England being forced to know all the gory details, no matter how hard you tried to avoid it. It was everywhere!

And that’s where we are up to now in the life and times of Peter Andre. Who woulda thunk it?

Ha.

You know BADLY  it sucks when you get DUMPED on your ass via ever evolving technology?

Unfortunately the days where FACE to FACE interaction was once a popular method of conversing with one another is a thing of the PAST.

With the help of Facebook, Twitter, BBM, Text, and Blogging, you now have an 50+ ways to get TOLD off.

BUT can you imagine being in the public eye as a celebrity or “so called reality star?”

These bi*ches get effed over via InTouch, Perez Hilton and the paparazzi.

Case in Point.

Jordan (AKA Katie Price) just dropped cage fighter Boyfriend Alex Reid on national TV during a taping of “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here.”

(Why she’s on TV in the first place is actually more mind boggling than the story at hand).

That poor sucker.

AND if that wasn’t shi**y enough for the DUDE, he was on his way to her SET to propose.

HA!

Anyways, she publicly handed his balls to him by stating:

“I just realized I wanted to be on my own, I don’t need a relationship. I hope we can remain friends,”  While also claiming that she was sick of him making money for her and that she wasn’t with him at the moment.

Because she makes money so well all on her own right??

Never enough celebrity fragrances out there to provide you with different options for smelling like sh*t.

Anyways, I would have ended the RELATIONSHIP for other reasons:

The British national obsession, Katie Price again managed to be in news and has dumped her boyfriend on national television.  Actually she was never out of news making her undoubtedly the most talked personality in British media.

To be honest, I have never heard of Katie Price before I came to London. Since she was in news everyday, curiosity made me google her and after reading few articles, I knew I don’t need to read any further.

I already know her because I know Rakhi Sawant., the Indian Katie Price. They are uncannily alike like Siamese twins. Here are few similarities:

• They both found “love “on a reality show.
• They both have dumped their respective boy friends on camera. Rakhi Sawant went even a step further and slapped him, that too on Valentine’s Day!.
• They both can become ambassadors for plastic surgery and implants.
• They both are an obvious choice to be a contestant in any reality show.
• More interestingly, they both love to talk and make a fool of themselves. Katie’s recent interview on a US TV show made her a laughing stock.

Love them, hate them but you can’t ignore them. That’s true for all the reality tv stars across nations.

So Katie Price, the international joke based in the UK, dumped her boyfriend, cage fighter Alex whatever the hell his name is, I don’t know his life. That’s right, this beautiful English rose…

…thinks she can do better than this:

And they did it on live television, or right before one of them went on live television, because apparently they let overcoiffed tumors on the airwaves.

Frankly, I think we need to get these two crazy kids back together. And then lock them up in a room to keep the rest of humanity safe.