No, old muggins here was up the tree, in his tree house, wandering why he was getting wet.

So were things back to normal?  Normal?  I was in a long distance relationship with a girl in America, that I had not seen in nearly a year, that I rarely got to speak to.

It’s almost funny.

On a daily basis, I had to explain her actions the best I could to an audience that didn’t understand.  I didn’t even understand half the time.  I was still having conversations with my nearest and dearest telling me to move on.

Kelli with the new hair colour

Things were as normal as they good be, after something like this had happened.  I took everything Kelli said with a pinch of salt.  She spoke to me as and when, and I was friendly and polite.  She had a regular job now, but would go through bouts of telling me, she couldn’t do this any more,, or us even, cancelling Myspace, and Facebook accounts, only to open them a week later, wandering if I was ignoring her.

It was time to fix me.  I couldn’t give a fuck, but I also did.  I only wanted her when it was nice, and doing this was not nice.  It was really hard.

Kelli went on to disappear a few times again.  But this time I was not concerned.  I knew she was battling with herself on the inside.  She had to sort herself out first.

The only thing that I now noticed was that she was telling me in advance.  Part of me was thinking:

“This doesn’t make it better, you telling me in advance.  You’re still disappearing, and running away.  Every time you send me these ‘Goodbye’ messages, it still hurts”

But, on the flip of that, it was also nice that I knew what was going on.  At least that way, when people asked me about Kelli, I could give them a story rather than conjure up some bullshit.

I spoke to her on 30th August.  She said that she was thinking about getting away.  Her choices were Virginia, Texas, Canada or Oklahoma City.  She said she would be in contact, but that she loved me.  I just let her get on with it.  I wasn’t looking to get together with anyone over here.  I had plenty of my own issues to fix.  Sort that Tel, then deal with the whole Kelli thing.  If anyone asked me, I said she was travelling.  I didn’t know where, but hey.  I wasn’t lying

Occasionally, but rarely, I would hear from her cousin Robin, who would say that she had not heard anything from Kelli, or if she had, it was different to what Kelli had told me.  I was polite, but I was past it.  It was too much effort being in this OC episode, when I wasn’t even getting the just results.  The conversations with Robin pretty much disappeared.

So, I went about doing things in my life.  A lot of planning, learning and doing a TONNE of groundwork, hopefully for big things to come in the near future.

One of the pictures, before everything came off

I was still thinking about Kelli a lot.  And it was approaching a year since I had flown out to see her.  I did an erotic photo shoot for Kelli as an anniversary thing of the 2 of us meeting each other. I had a girl I know (who had already seen me naked once at a drunk party – that’s ANOTHER story)  take all the pictures, and she could use them in her portfolio in exchange for the costs.  Armed with my collection of saucy pictures, I would send the odd picture here and there when I had written her an email, but the bulk of them would be for Xmas.  It was all I could do I guess.  I send the odd joke.  The odd email update.  A little poetry.  I was making headway in my own life, getting on with things over here, and I guess I just left her to it.  But I wanted her to know, that if she WAS checking her email, and was thinking about me, that I was still there for her patiently waiting.

Welcome Back…….again

Kelli came back online on the 22nd October.   Popped up on MSN one day.  She asked me to call her, which I did.  This time, I was not angry.  Not upset.  Not demanding answers.  I think maybe just once, I thought she might just want to come back on her own.

So, what had she been up to? In the time she had been away, she had been doing yoga and meditating. She was working as a shift supervisor in a motel, and was in line for a promotion which would involve going to Dallas, Texas, where she would get to run her own motel.  She was now more grounded and had a degree of structure in place, in her life.  She was talking a lot about plans, or doing things that lead to plans.  But mainly she had just been thinking.  Thinking about her life, and what she wanted.

She said that she had had a lot of time to think about everything, about everything that had happened.  She had ‘decided’ that she wanted to be with me, and upon clearing and settling her debts, she would come and visit me.  I didn’t mention it to her, she had said it all on her own.  I guess that was all that I ever wanted.  For it to be what she wanted.  I did not want to keep going on about what had happened back in the spring/summer.  It was in the past, and I guess I wanted to think that I was big enough to let it slide.

I probably could have gone awol and said:

“What do you mean, you have DECIDED to be with me? Were you NOT with me?”

But it would have achieve nothing.  I was just grateful to hear from her.  Grateful she still wanted me.

Anniversary

On the day that we had met, a year to the day that I had turned up in Granite to see her, I had sent her an email telling her about all the things that I had loved about how we worked, about how we connected, how much our trip and time together had meant to me and how involved she was in my life.

12 days later, I sent her an email telling her all the things that I hated.  I explained about the distance, the lack of communication, the lies, the secrets, and everything that had happened since I had last seen her.

I sent her a final email saying how I wanted things to be, and suggested a small plan of how things could go forward, and if that was still the same thing that she wanted.

She replied to one of the 3 emails.  I could edit it, but again….straight from the horses mouth (so to speak)

My Darling Terry,
I was sitting here and I was thinking about what I want out of my life.  I have been thinking about it for some time now.  I was debating on if I wanted to be with you or not.  I was in this argument about how your so far away and how there is so much that I want to do and things I want to see.  But I found out that I can do everything I want to do and see all that I want to see with you because you support me, you support us, we can support each other in everything that WE want to have out of life.

2 1/2 YEARS AGO

I met you on a silly site.

I had these wonderful feelings for you and didn’t realize it.  I only knew that I couldn’t go a single day without talking to you or seeing  you on the computer.

We talked everyday for 6months!  I’ve never wanted to talk to anyone that much in my life… and … we never ran out of things to say… we talked all the time… about everything…anything and even nothing.

I decided to leave Chris because I knew he was not what I wanted and we were not going anywhere in the relationship that we were in.  I knew we were just spinning circles.

2YEARS AGO

I met Kyle. (self explained)

I made some bad choices and allowed myself to become ignorant and naive.

1YEAR AGO

You popped up in my life, on my door step and made me see what kind of man you were.  Though I knew you were amazing… I saw it first had how wonderful you really were and how amazing you made me feel.<

It was the best 12 days of my life, ever!

I used to have dreams about falling in love and meeting the man of my dreams and having my happy ending.  I never thought in a million years it would actually happen.  That I would ever get to have my price charming.  BUT I DID!!

There were things I had to take care of… things I had/have to do before I can be with you and give myself to you fully.  I didn’t want to ever be with you if I am not able to give myself to you and you be happy with what you are getting.

I know that when the time is right and everything is taken care of… we can and we WILL be together!!  I am working on making my way to you… I am working on making a life with you… I am going to be with you!  WE ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER!!

Its only a matter of time… and I hope that you will stay with me just a bit longer…

I know its hard… and I know you must be so tired of this all….

And I will understand if you believe your just spinning in circles with me….

I do love you, and I do want to be with you… God knows I love you with all my heart.

I want this… I want us… I want you.

I Love you, I miss you.

Kelli Rae

Always your Kitten

PS
I know I said I was going to type a MASSIVE email… but… my fingers got cold… I couldn’t type anymore..

I would like to think that was confirmation of her feelings.  Deep down, I liked hearing this from her.  Besides dates and deadlines, it had everything.

Part of me was still worried, and maybe still is, that I am just being strung along again.

Is it really getting better?

I certainly did not expect it to be such a journey for me.  It was one where I learnt the REAL price of love, about identity, my responsibilities to my family, my friends, but ultimately ME as a person.  What my responsibilities are for me, for my soul, for who I am.

Work

At the beginning of this year, I decided to put my life in the hands of my best mate, to see if he could do a better job of things than me.

Funny enough I did actually land probably the best job that I have ever had.  I smile when I think back about how my prayers are always answered.  Obviously I had parts to play in this bargain, and I guess only time will tell if I have done my part.  I like to think that I have.  Or that I can always put in the weekend overtime before Monday morning deadline.

Family

There as been a lot of growth with regards to my relationship within my family and with other family members.  This year has emphasized the role that I play within this family and brought home my duties, and shown areas that I can and should work on.

Love

This year has been one of the hardest lessons I have had ever.  I have discovered the dark sides of love, no sooner than I had discovered love itself.  I have learnt what it means to stand by someone, no matter what happens.  Even if it hurts to do so.  The sacrifices that are made to keep the love alive, and what it takes to let it die.  All this coupled with it being a long distance relationship, just makes it that little bit harder.

I am hoping that 2008 was a metamorphosis for the relationship that I am, and that in 2009, the butterfly takes flight.  And I guess that is all I have.  Hope!!

Kelli Lee, if you read this:  I am so in love with you.  Please, let’s make this year happen.

Health

I’m my first year past my 30′s, I am no longer invincible.   But putting my mind to it, I can maintain myself internally and externally, very well for many years to come. But for the future wife and children I shall have, it is my responsibility

With the desire and a lot of determination to not give up or take the easy option, I can be the man that I want to be.  It is not an ideal that I can talk about or hope for, but something I HAVE actually touched on this year.  When circumstances allow, I can be happy and content in all of the above area’s of my life.

I’ll let you know how this year pans out for me.  Keep me in your prayers…

My brain would often over think and over analyse everything.  It would go at a million miles an hour.  I wanted NO bitterness inside of me.  And my love and bitterness were now SO entwined that I could not tell the difference between the 2 any more. I hated her for making me love her.

Everything that Robin said made sense.  It explained everything.  Why would Robin have any need to lie to me?  She was 18.

I had been speaking to Kelli’s aunt Terri (Robin’s mum) on a few occasions once or twice, and I would talk to her sometimes on MSN, when she would be using Robin’s login.  She would just pop up online.  I would think it was Robin and say something.  I had met her when meeting Robin.  So we would have polite chat sometimes.  Sometimes we would both discuss things.  I guess I wanted information.  I did not understand anything.  Grrr!!!

Now on one occasion, Terri had cottoned onto the fact that Kelli and Robin were not speaking, but she also knew that Kelli and I had fallen out.  I explained that I had not spoken to Kelli since 27th April.  It was now the 27th June.  It had been 2 months, to the day.  I hated her for making me feel not only love, but love-related hate.  I now understood other people and why they reacted like they did.  I was hurting inside.  I explained she is always disappearing, and that for someone that supposedly loved me, I felt so detached from her life.

She said that she had spoken to Kelli over the past few days and that Kelli wanted to speak to me.

Kelli was concerned I was not interested in what she would have to say, and rightly so.  Kelli had told Terri, the information Robin had given me, was almost all lies, and that she wanted to explain everything.  This had come several weeks after my revealing  conversation with Robin.  I guess I agreed to speak to her.  I tried to remember that the guy had said back in January, that Kelli would be on a journey of her own this year.  Maybe this was it for her, maybe it for us……..if there even WAS an us.

Kelli On-line

I must admit, when she logged in, I held back.  I didn’t want to have an argument.  I just wanted to hear it from the horses mouth.  What good would it do shouting at her?  That doesn’t work on MSN, and does not work on the phone either.

About 97% of me couldn’t even give a shit what she said.  I had heard everything and I had heard it all before, excuse after excuse after excuse.  It was always something.  So Kelli logged on and said nothing at first.  I said I was not going to to say anything, but just let her say what she felt she had to.  Sometimes there would be 20 minute gaps between us saying things.  Rather than try and remember, I guess I have just lifted the text from the conversation history.  I have edited some of this to keep it coherent and flowing.  It WAS a 3 hour conversation:

“I have a lot to say to you.  I don’t know if I have enough time to tell it all to you or not.  There is a lot that I need to explain to you that you don’t know and that you may or may not understand.  I don’t want to talk to you with other people here.  I want to do it when I am alone.  But I know I owe you at least a conversation.  Please know that I do love you and there is a lot to the story that you don’t know… and that was told to you wrong!”

“I found myself in a position that I couldn’t make better.  I found myself with no place to live.  I don’t know how to tell you most of the stuff that’s been going on.  I only speak to my Aunt Terri.  I was living with Kyle for a bit.  Terri says I should just speak from my heart,  but I am scared to do that right now.  I am scared that by talking to you now I am hurting both you and me.  I never felt happier than when we were together.  I got lost some how in the world got too deep in what needed to be done…..in what I wanted to do… in what I want.  I know that with the things that Robin told you… you think I am horrible… but its not at all what you think.”

“I don’t know where to start.  I guess I will start in Michigan.  I wanted more than anything to get to you!  That was all I could think about.   You are still all that I think about.  This is not what I think you want to hear… right now I think you would like for me to drop off the face of the earth.  I lied to you about where I was living.  I fucked up.  I am sorry about that.  Kyle liked me… I didn’t tell him about you… I knew that if he knew he wouldn’t let me stay, and then I would have no place to go.  I didn’t tell you… because I didn’t want you to be upset with me about who I was staying with.  Kyle and I became close but not how you think…. Robin got a massive crush on Kyle and she figured the only way in was to get rid of me in any way….”

“Kyle thought there was more to his and my friendship… Robin told Kyle all about you… he was so mad that I got knocked around….. I went to a friends house for a couple of days…he and Robin have been together a lot….. I am moving now…. not sure where…. my friend Mandy said I could stay with her until I am on my feet.  The restaurant that I was working at… they closed down…I am now without a home, a job, and you.  I’m not asking you to forgive me.  I only wanted to tell you what was going on.  I love you.  I never stopped loving you.  I never didn’t want to be with you.  I have only been with you.
Kyle was a friend that I turned to and everyone took it wrong.  He was the person that I saw everyday… talked to everyday… I can see why every one thought what they did….I let Kyle think what he wanted… that was my mistake.  I should have told him about you and I should have told you about my living there, especially about my living there.  I don’t expect you to believe me and I don’t expect you to talk to me or forgive me…I am just sorry…I didn’t want to hurt you ….you are the last person that I wanted to hurt.  I do love you, that will never stop.”

We continued to speak, and we went over a lot of the same ground.  I was still not convinced.  I didn’t care.  I hated her for creating this situation that made me feel like this.  How fucking dare she.  I had been so protective with my heart for all these years, making sure I found the right woman.  The one person that had made me feel love, had also hurt me to the point that it would poison me inside.  I hated her, I hated me.  I couldn’t even fathom anything.  Right now, I was hurting and that was all I cared about.

My only reason, THE ONE REASON and it was a string of a reason, why I kept holding on to the whole thing was because I could not understand, whilst being miles away over sea’s, I had really nothing to offer but my presence, by either phone or mail.   I couldn’t help her out with finances, I could not be there for her, I could not comfort her.  I could not put my arm around her, I could not kiss her, lay with her in bed help her with her things.  She could get all of this from someone over there.  If that was the case (which it was supposedly)………..why did she even bother with me?

If she wanted to disappear, she could just go away tomorrow and I would not hear from her at all.   She could be with whatever man she wanted, and I would be none the wiser.  She could have a whole different life, and just think “I don’t even need to bother with him any more” but she kept coming back to me.  Why did she keep coming back?

That said something completely different to all everything she had done in the past 7 months.  It was her life line, her only saving grace.  Now actions speak louder than words, and her actions throughout the whole year had said “Bollocks to Terry”, but she kept coming back.

Why keep coming back?

Saturn Returns

So July crept in and we had both of our birthdays.  ( I’m 8th July and Kelli is 17th July )  The conversation was strained, but amicable.  I am not saying it was back to normal, FAR FROM IT, and I would suspect that I was guarded.  Maybe I still am.  Kelli was flitting between moments of being very open and then being very wary of hurting me and she would back off somewhat.  She was doing okay.  She didn’t have a web cam any more, so I said she owed me a least a few updated pictures, so she had now was sending pictures.  I know look at the picture below and just stare at it.   I can’t take my eyes off her.

Kelli in the summer - Possibly one of my favourite pictures of her

By now I had come to accept this.   I guess I knew that she was having a hard time of things, and the last thing I wanted to do was have a go at her every time we made contact.  It also came to my attention that Kelli was making references to taking off and fixing herself out and her life.   She had just had her 29th Birthday and she was going through her saturn return, and it would time for her to look at her life and sort out the bad bits.  I found this info which I thought summed it up very well.

Growth is often accompanied by trepidation and turmoil. As the old self is pushed aside to make room for the new, you may feel weak and vulnerable. You want to move ahead, yet are frustrated by a fear of doing so, torn between a compelling urge to throw off everything connected with your past and an equally frantic need to cling to the familiar rather than brave the great unknown.

Even if your external world seems to be in order, your internal structure may feel as though it’s being assaulted with a battering ram. Nervous conditions, irritability, depression, insomnia, and feelings of insecurity are common. Most people go through some sort of identity crisis.

Even though your Saturn Return may be disturbing, ultimately it reveals what you truly want and sweeps away the clutter that may have been impeding your progress. Your Saturn Return is a personal spring cleaning. No matter how difficult it seems to let go of inappropriate people and things, the first Saturn Return is the time to do it. For if lessons are not learned, the problems will come knocking again during your second Saturn Return at about age fifty-eight, when you are more set in your ways. Once the conflict is confronted, the tension usually subsides. You feel stronger and more capable of moving ahead.

Saturn Return is one of the most crucial turning points you ever experience, when you assume the greatest responsibility of all: responsibility for your own life.

I tried to bare in mind that she might be having a lot of things going on in her life that she DIDN’T want me to know.   Woman pride maybe.  Maybe she just was not as open or forward as me, despite us being so similar.

I was happier for Kelli that she seems a little more focused.  But I would was to get emails from her telling me she was leaving and that she she loved me, but could not do this any more, but would send me another one later that day, telling me she was lucky to have me in her life.   It was all hot and cold, and certainly too close to the bone for me.  Everything hurt.

And so it continues….

It pains me to write the following section of this story, as I am wary portraying Kelli in a bad light.  But I guess I have to write this section because it did happen, and I am trying to be as open about this all as I can.  This is how I perceived things from my end of this story. Kelli has her side of the story and I am sure in time you will all get to read her side of it.  So I guess it is something that needs to be documented, as it kinda shows the entire journey.

Including the shit bits.

So, I had last spoken to her on 9th March.  The only contact I had with her since then, was via Robin on the phone, when Kelli was being sick in the bathroom.   Robin said that Kelli had gone to get her passport, but that she had some outstanding fines, and she could not get her passport until they were clear.  I am certain (and I checked my MSN chat history) that she had said that she had her passport already.  So I didn’t say anything, but I did not hear from her.

Kelli and Robin

I hated having to go through Kelli’s cousin Robin, who was only 18, to get any kind of information.  That in itself was starting to annoy me.  Why was I having to go through her cousin to talk to her?  Did she not want to get a hold of me through her own accords?  Why did nothing ever add up?

As mentioned, we were supposedly getting married, and she was due to arrive on April 22nd.   But she never mentioned it, and didn’t seem every excited. When I had a talk with her at the beginning of March, about everything, and she reassured me that everything would be fine.

I knew it all along – It’s OFF

Kelli reappeared on the 18th April.  When she re-appeared, she told me that she was not going to be able to make the trip, but I guess deep down, I knew that already.  I was not that angry, but I definitely had a “FUCK YOU KELLI, FUCK YOU.  I just do not need this shit” attitude.  Obviously, I didn’t say that to her, but I had just had enough.

I guess I had known back in January, when she had left to go back to Oklahoma.  Her reasons?  Someone had written out bad cheques in her name, and she was liable for all the fines.  They had racked up nearly $5000. She had been to jail for 2 weeks, and now she was working her ass off.  Was it true?  I didn’t care if it was or not.  I was hurting more for the fact that she kept shutting me out of her life.

She apologised repeatedly, but it bounced off me. I was beyond caring.  I think the damage was done.  I loved her, but was now questioning that love.  Was it all worth it?

I was angry at her for going back to Oklahoma, because it turned her into this woman that was difficult to love, almost impossible.  She was not the same person.  There was no caring, no consideration.

I had a lot of explaining to people over here.  All of my friend and family that I had told of her arrival  And everyone seemed genuinely sorry for me.  But a lot of people had started dropping a few nasty comments.

• “Terry, you should move on”
• “Terry, I could have told you all along, but you got your hopes up”
• “Terry, its all take with her.  Maybe once or twice, but she ALWAYS has an excuse”
• “Tel, she is messing you around.  You deserve better than this mate”
• “Terry, there are plenty more fish in the sea”
• “Terry, how long are you going to let her keep doing this to you?”
• “Terry, what’s going on with the American bird?  She still fucking you around?”
• “Terry, she is full of excuses.  You need to get rid of her”
• “Terry, everything that comes out of her mouth is bullshit.  You need to get rid of her”

Maybe they were all right.  It was getting hard to defend her.  It was harder to hear from my mother and sister than everyone else, because obviously they had my best interests at heart.  I didn’t want these people to be right. I couldn’t see any positives in this any more. Maybe I really didn’t have a clue who this woman was.  Was it too much to hope that everything that I had imagined nearly 2 years on, could have a happy ending? In this day and age?  Where we, as humans, all used to things ending in disappointment?

Gina and Rob, Kelli’s friends from Michigan, still with their tickets, came over and had a really good holiday.  I went to pick them up at the airport, just hoping that maybe it was all some kind of elaborate trick and that she would then better my own surprise.  But no.  They arrived by themselves.  I dropped them off at their hotel in London.  We didn’t mention her once, but I tried to repay them the best I could for their hospitality back in America.  It was nice to see them, but Kelli was missing.  I knew it, and I was really angry at her.  Despite us meeting, despite the amazing trip, despite my patience, and since meeting her, my faithfulness, I was still the one with egg on my face.  I felt like a fool, but more often than not, I laughed the whole thing off, like I didn’t really give a shit.  But inside……..I was filled with unpleasant emotions.

Kelli was around for a few chats on MSN and via the phone.  We got on, and I did my best to hide what disappointment there was and just tried to enjoy our time of MSN or the phone.  Maybe if she had been here, we would have had huge arguments, but maybe that is why she was not.  The date was 27th April. I asked her outright;

“Kelli….do you even love me?”

To which she replied.

“What? I have never in my life been in love.  I never thought I would ever feel the way it felt when i was with you. Terry, I love you. I love you with all that I am.  You make me happy, you make me glow, you make me want to do the right thing and do something with my life.  I want to have my life with you.  Never without you.  Terry, I love you”

After this conversation, I would not hear from Kelli for 2 months.

The Truth or Not the Truth

The whole thing was getting me down a lot, but I could not understand why it was all happening.  Despite what everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was saying, I could not give up on this girl.  IF………IF she was genuine in her plight (the jobs, the fines, the jail time), then I would hate for her to see me turn my back on her, when she could really do with me being there for her, her last pillar of strength.  If I cannot even stand by her whilst she is having a rough time with life, what did that say about me? and how I felt for her? Is this what relationships are about.  It would break me inside.  Plus I was not willing to just give up on her.  I was in love with her, despite everything that was going on.  And I wanted her to see that.

I would speak to Robin almost daily on msn.  A 31 year old man burdening all of his problems onto a 18 year old girl.  I felt pathetic, unable to deal with my own issues.  The distance was the main factor, but I often wandered if we would have all of these problems if she lived in the same country, in the same house.   I would think back to when Kelli had suggested we get married back in November.  Would it have been like this, whilst we were waiting for official documents to get sorted?  Is was too much to think about.  Maybe this was the real Kelli?  Gina had said that she never behaved like this when they had grown up together in Muskegon.  What had changed? What was going on?

Unfortunately, Robin did not have the answer’s either.  And after a few weeks of trying to get ANYTHING out of her, why I could not get hold of Kelli, why she was always busy, passing messages between people.  I was sick of it all.  Just so fucking tired of it.  And if and when I DID speak to Kelli, all I would get is;

“Don’t be angry, I’ll be better and then it’ll all change starting from yesterday, because I love you and I don’t want you to be upset with me”.

Robin, baring in mind she is only 18, says to me on day on MSN.

“you know i know that she is my cousin and I’m probably going to get my ass kicked for telling you this but i think you can do better….I know that’s wrong for me to say but I know its true.  She doesn’t talk to you for weeks and you sit there wandering what she is doing. Who she is with. I know she loves you, and I know you love her, but the way she treats you is bullshit”

10 days later Robin pops up again.  We talk for a bit, chit chatting, when she asked me not to be angry, but she had to share something with me.  It all came running out.  Robin opened up and said that she could not keep it from me any more.  For the flow of reading, I have put it in bullet points.

• Kelli had been with her ex Kyle since January.  She had met him at Oklahoma airport, and they lives together in Oklahoma City together, before moving to Altus, where they now lived together.
• The money for her trip to the UK, had been used to bail him out of jail.
• She had been staying with him, and sleeping together (Robin had heard them she said)
• She was in love with me, but she was in love with him as well.
• She was using him as a place to stay, but she loved me.
• She was fed up with having to lie to both men.
• Kelli was hanging around with all sorts and getting up to drugs.
• She had also miscarried.
• She lied about several other personal things.

My mouth was ajar.  Literally.  Speechless.

I didn’t know what to think, say or do.  My impulsive emotions kicked in.  I thanked Robin for telling me and being upfront about it all, and I told her to let Kelli know that I knew all of this.  She knew that Kelli was going to fall out with her, but she was fed up with being the go between.

Robin informed me Kelli and her had a huge falling out, with Kelli screaming at her

“Why did you tell him all that?  You have ruined everything!”

Robin would ask if I was okay.  But I went quiet for a week or so whilst I processed everything.  I had changed my status on Facebook to single, and that very moment my heart broke and with tears rolling down screamed at God…

“Why had he let this happen to me?  what had I done to deserve it?  What was the purpose of meeting her and feeling all of this feeling, for it to be shit?  What had been the purpose of ALL of this?  What was the lesson in it all?”

I think it took about a week for all the tears to stop.

Does it get better?

So yeah, Kelli had left again.

I had to go to hospital on New Years day, and went to accident and emergency, and I was desperate to get a hold of Kelli, but I could not.  I wanted to talk to her.  I was panicking and scared.  As it turns out, everything was okay,  I think it was more the fact that I couldn’t get hold of her was doing my nut in.  If any had concerns with her, I could not talk to her.  ARGH!!!!

Every time I rang Gina’s parent’s, or Gina, I got nothing.  They were upset also.   They were trying to piece together what was happening just as much as I was.  All I know was that I was upset, and putting in some serious God time.  I prayed every night, and begged for her safety.  They were really upset as well.  I was worried sick, but also really angry.  Why had this happened?

Around this time of her absence, I came across a psychic one day.

Now I know that all these people to be taken with a pinch of salt, but I only note this here, because he said a lot of profound stuff.  Didn’t do Tarot Cards, and I told him not to bother with the Astrology, as I had already been studying it for several years, and I knew my chart and Kelli’s chart by heart.  I think he was more the type of people that connect with people from the dead and spirits and things like that.  So maybe I guess I was drawn to speaking to him about a few things.  Because it seemed perfect for my scenario.  He didn’t even ask her name.

Twin Flames

So I kept my request simple and none descriptive, so I would see what he could genuinely pick up, with little input from me.  I said.

“I guess I am here because I care for someone, and I want to know if they are okay, if we are okay, and I guess if they are the one for me”

And this is where it got interesting.

He mentioned that Kelli was having hard time of things where she was, and that she was about to embark on a huge transitional period in her life, a journey of her own where it will force her to look at her life and who she is, that she would have to deal with a lot of things that she had been avoiding.  It was going to be a big time for her.

He said that I was lucky enough to have found the woman I was supposed to be with. When I asked him to explain what he meant by that, he said something like:

“Well, the thing is, in this life, we have lots of soul mates, people that we connect to on a very personal level, but as I mentioned, you could have lots of soul mates in your life. However the connection between you both is a lot stronger, like a Twin Flame. Unlike soul mates, there is only ever one twin flame, the one person you are truly supposed to be with. So firstly, I would actually like to congratulate you on finding her.  And you know this, because you know that you feel like you have been searching for someone (in particular) your whole life”

My jaw hit the floor, but I was still a little hesitant.   He said that she would get in contact before the end of February.  He mentioned a lot of other stuff at that point, and since that meeting, everything that he said came true. Looking back now, I am still completely gob smacked.  I will come back to what he said, a little later in the story.

It still didn’t do too much to calm my brain about what was going on, but he said that I would hear from her before the end of the month.  20 days after Kelli had disappeared, she came back online.

The Return

Kelli popped up online, and my web cam opened up as well.  Relief hit me like a wave in the face.  She could see the tears in my eyes.  I felt such relief, but so much anger as well.  I don’t think she could apologise enough.

So eventually it came down to the fact that she was not making ends meet back in Michigan.  She was panicking about not being to take action or make things happen in Muskegon.  She had somewhere to work and stay in Oklahoma, and I guess she was just missing home. I had a million questions and a lot of what she had done just didn’t make sense, and only left me with more questions.  But I guess I was just happy to hear from her.  I figured the last thing she wanted to hear was for me to have a go at her.  When I had taken her back to Michigan, I had not imagined she would get home sick for Oklahoma.  After all, she said that she was leaving Oklahoma.  That was HER choice.  I guess I thought she would just get on with it and all would be good.

However, she was now working and had control of everything.  Stay back on Oklahoma and the money needed with the new job.  I had said that it would not work if she went back, but I just couldn’t let her go.

So we were back on track.  I had my friend back, to talk about everything.  We were discussing the wedding, my plans for the future (I had recently just lost my job), my sister (who was going to be having a child in May).  Well In honesty, we talked about everything.  And it was nice.

I was researching the wedding like a possessed demon.  Doing a million calculations in my head.  Places, costs, themes, guests, that added with all the visa information as well.  It was a lot to take on board.

My only grievance was the fact that, now she was back Oklahoma, the conversation had started to become irregular again, just like it was before.  I had said on our trip that if she went back to Oklahoma, or had stayed there outright, that she would have to make it work, otherwise there would be no point.  It was not that it was Oklahoma, but the fact that I could not get a hold of her.  And with something so important coming up, I guess I needed her to be free to discuss things.  With no phone and irregular internet, it would always be an effort.

Kelli was staying at a friend of hers and was also staying at her cousin Robin’s, whom I had met on my trip over there.  And she had a computer, so Kelli could get on that a little.  It was Kelli’s computer that she had given to Robin, so not HER computer, and she did not LIVE THERE and could not BE THERE everyday.

So I had to make do with discussing everything on MSN, leaving emails and phoning Robin’s House or Robins mobile.

There is still something…

We went through the motions on MSN, and I just got on with it.   But I had something in the back of my mind.  I was unsure about what was going on with Kelli.

It was clearly obvious that Kelli would not be able to make it here for February, although in all fairness, I hadn’t really thought a lot about it.  I had let the idea go a while ago.  The goal was still for April.

A few things concerned me though, and I guess I kept to myself.

Firstly, the contact with Kelli was broken again.  Off, on and often interrupted.  She would have to use Robin’s computer, and thus in turn, I had to share my time with her.  Now I am not that selfish that I command her attention, but with visa’s and wedding plans to discuss a nearly 2 months away, we did not seem to even touch on it. Kelli would be talking to me, and then Robin would kick her off.  I sometimes got the impression it was not a pressing issue as it was for me, and that was a pressing issue in itself.

Secondly, Kelli’s work situation.   She had gone all the way back to Oklahoma and started working in a part-time position, which coincidently did not last either.  So I was concerned, not only for her, but for her trip.  I couldn’t work out why she would travel across the states, just to work in a badly paid part-time position.  Things were just not adding up.

Finally, there were still a few things that did not add up since she had left Oklahoma.  I was biting my tongue, because I did not want to be the angry voice down the end of the phone.

I guess that she was trying to make it work.  My doubts would calm down and go to sleep, and everything would be good.  I guess sometimes I would overlook the fact that both of our lives are completely different.  Both of our circumstances.

The conversations normally revolved around her getting her act together, apologising for the January fiasco, and telling me she loved me, and that I was in for a good time when she got a hold of me. *sexually suggestive*

Then it happened again…

At first, I didn’t think much of it, but the time passed and I had not spoken to Kelli.  I had last spoken to her on on 9th March. And days were now becoming weeks.

I had resorted to talking to Kelli’s cousin Robin on an almost daily basis.  It would seem that Robin had not been able to get a hold of Kelli either.  Kelli didn’t have a phone. All I got from Robin was confirmation that Kelli loved me and that Kelli talked about me all the time, and she was in an almost dream like state about it all.  I even mentioned jokingly that I was worried about Kelli finding some other bloke, and Robin just came out with it.

“No way Terry, not a chance.  You are all she thinks and talks about”

So, why was I not convinced.  Something was up.

It gets worse…

My phone was going wild with people wanting to know what had happened.   Everyone had expected me to come back and be married.  Maybe I should have.

Simon is a friend of mine that used to being singer/guitarist in the band Melaleuca.  Simon is someone that I had shared the Kelli saga with for 8 months. It was nice to have someone to talk to about it, that would understand the long distance, the lack of contact, the worrying, where as some of my other friends may have missed the point, or not understood the situation, as it really was.

I made it to the wedding in time to see them get married.  During the reception, I was nodding off and my eyes rolling in my head.  I realised I was absolutely cream crackered (knackered).    Whilst everyone was mingling, I gave my summary of my recent trip in full detail to Simon and Skyla, who in turn were both dead chuffed for me, but Simon already knew.  He had flown out to meet Skyla in Texas, after meeting her on myspace.  So completely got what I was feeling.  It was cool.

After that, I went to sleep in the car for 4 hours.

The Month of December

After this followed many weeks of pure bliss.

I missed Kelli and I was in love with her.  I was in love with life.  I was speaking to her almost everyday.  Kelli was now staying at Gina’s parent’s, but sometimes she was over at Gina’s, while she tried to get some structure in her life.  We would speak for a hour or 2 at anyone time.  My phone bill for 1 week was about £120.  Ouch!!  I would be emailing her at work, calling her on my way home from work.  It was nice to know that she was there, even to discuss the shitty things.

I guess it was like being in a new relationship, but it was a long distance relationship.  I loved talking to her.  I could still picture the whole trip vividly in my head.  It felt nice.  I would talk to her once I finished my night shift at Quarantine, and sit in the car till 4am.

Proposal

On one of the said shifts, maybe a month after I had returned, I was sitting in the car as per usual.  Both talking about this, that and the other.  And Kelli came out with it;

“I think we should get married”

I was a little gob smacked.  A little nervous. Immediately, my brain went into sensible mode.

*You’ve not lived together Tel, you’ve not seen her when she is angry, what bad habits does she have, you actually do not really know her, despite the year long conversations.  She could be a psycho, have a temper problem, all the stuff she never let you see on camera, etc*

When I told Kelli of my pre-conceived thoughts and fears.  And straight away, she just said the right thing. (damn her for that)

“Terry, I have just spent the last 8 years of my life, with the house, the living together, done the couple thing, the cars, the bills etc.  But you know, there was no love in that relationship.  All that crap, I don’t need it, and it doesn’t mean anything.  All I know, is that I love you, you love me, and the fun of this is finding out and learning as we go along.”

And you know, she made sense.  She made perfect sense.  To me.  I didn’t want to have this amazing thing that I had just discovered with her, to be labelled and boxed and to follow the same path as a million billion other relationships.  I mean the last year and a half was a testament to that.  I was in a long distance relationship, but it was special.  It was not like every other relationship I had seen, and I didn’t want it to be either.  So it was settled.

Kelli and I were getting married.

Plans, Planes and Prayers

I told a few people over here. I told my mum, sister and my dad, and all my friends. A lot of my friends and especially my sister all thought I should have got married when I was over there, and like I said, were expecting me to come back married, but now it was going to happen for real.  Everything happened in a heartbeat.

Gina had bought Kelli, her husband Rob and herself flights from Chicago to London, for the 22nd April.  With the intention to get married on the 27th April.  All Kelli had to do was work, get a passport, and give Gina the money back.  It was awesome.  I was nervous, and I would constantly have to wrestle with myself, but I knew that I wanted her above all else.  Did it matter that we had not lived together?  I thought about it.  When you are in love, you make it work.  And I am pretty flexible. Ish!

I had not lived with a woman, other than flatmates and family, and I did not have my own place.   But I wasn’t in any hurry to settle down into family mode with Kelli.  And the fact that she wasn’t easier, made the whole thing easier to take on board.

Suddenly all the websites I was looking at were wedding websites.  We were going to go for a bohemian/green theme/hippy type wedding.  It was something that I liked the idea of.  I mentioned it to Kelli and she jumped at it.

I was loving this girl right now.  See, Learning as we went along.

I took some comfort that a friend of mine had married his wife after there 3rd date.  And they were respectable business people, and they been married for 5 years, and still are.

I was having to think about all the plans for everything over here, and I roped in my mate to help me organise everything.  We were talking budgets, venues, plans etc.  It was all go.

Kelli on Xmas day, with new haircut

Along with all of this were the phone calls to the embassies with regards to visas and licenses.

Beside the hustle and bustle in my brain that was going on, Kelli was a little miserable in Michigan.  Even though she loved being with Gina again, she was missing Oklahoma a bit, because most of her family/extended family were all there.  The added fact that she was not able to find work immediately in Muskegon was getting her down.  She needed money to come and see me in April, but was panicking a little because the situation was out of her control.  I tried to tell her that she would land something, and she knew it as well.  I think it was just getting her down.  Maybe just an off day.  Or maybe an off week.

Christmas came, and we talked on the phone for several hours like I knew we would.   She had received a set of suitcases for Xmas.  I had sent her a book on travelling and some flowers. I spoke to her on 27th December.  She was still miserable, but she had been working part time in some factory/warehouse building cigarette vending machines and had some money.  Things were looking up.

Gone

I rang on the 28th after I had finished my shift at the pub, and I spoke to Gina’s dad, who told me she had gone.   I was a little confused……what do you mean gone? He had gone into her room, and she had gone.  Everything of hers was gone.  Cupboards bare.

She had left several letters, one being to me.  And he was going to read it.  That’s right.  Kelli had gone.

I can’t remember word for word what it says, but I know that I was upset.  I felt like she was leaving, we were splitting up. My tears were hitting the radiator of the pub, when I was standing over it. I can’t remember everything the letter said, but it was something about;

“I need to do this, blah blah, don’t give up on me, blah blah, I love you, blah blah, you are the man of my dreams and I can wait to be your wife and I will speak to you soon”,

I know that I had spoke to her the night before and she hadn’t mentioned anything to me.  I knew the facts as they were presented to me.  One minute, she was there.  The next minute, she was gone.

She didn’t even tell me.

My brain racked every resource possible, but I could not think clearly.  She didn’t even mention where she was going.  Just that she would be in contact.

And just like that, she was gone from my life again.

You still wanna read more?  it aint pretty!!

So lots of running, taxi’s, rain, luggage, chickens fights* and tired legs.  We eventually got to the train station, booked some tickets and collapsed on a chair somewhere.

So we sat there, talking, kissing, watching the derelict train station fill up with people and just chilling.

The train turned up after an hour or so.  We got on the train, got seats and almost slumped.  We tried reading a couple of books that I had in my backpack, but we ended up just crashing out.  There was nothing to see outside anyhow.

It was pitch black.

* This might have been made up.

Dead of Night

When we eventually got to Michigan City in Indiana.  The train pulled off and we were left in the middle of nowhere.  All of the people that left the train, huddled under a badly lit rain shelter.  And one by one, people left as relatives and friends met them in the rain.

Kelli had arranged for Gina’s parent’s to pick us up from the station.  She wondered out into the rain, and then and then returned a little later with Gina’s dad in tow.  I introduced myself and put our baggage in the boot of the 4 x 4, and made off on our way.  We made a pit stop at a fast food restaurant.  We sat around, I got acquainted with Gina’s parents and discussed our little adventure .  I must admit I was actually blown away that they had come all of this way to get us.  It’s not like it was a 30 minute drive down the road, this was a 3 hour journey across Michigan into Indiana to come and pick us up and then back again.  After our food stop, we made our way off to Muskegon.  I think it took about 10 minutes in the warmth of the car, before Kelli and I passed out.

When we were woken up, we were outside Rob And Gina’s house, and had driven halfway across state to get there.  The time was nearly 3 am.  There was snow everywhere.  We grabbed our gear and headed indoors.  We were greeted by Rob, who had waited up to let us in.  He looked pretty beat.  Gina was away, working a night shift at the local hospital.  Looking back on that night, seems very blurry, but I know we pretty much went to bed straight away.

In the morning, we got up, to the sound of kids outside the bedroom door, giggling.  We got up for the new day.  Thanksgiving day.  Gina and Kelli met with a Hollywood slow motion style running hug.  I stood sheepishly at the back, waiting for my moment. I was introduced to everyone properly. There was Rob and Regina, and their 2 children, Kyle and Zack. Not forgetting the dog, a dalmatian called Wiley.  Rob and I went on an errand run to the “store” (more like a large supermarket or a retail park – UK Readers), to get some bits for the day, and got my chance to have a little look into the life that Kelli had led when she lived up here.

Thanksgiving

This was going to be my first thanksgiving day.  I suspected it was going to be something completely different from the party like affair that was going on in San Diego.

My First Thanksgiving

Rob and Regina’s family slowly turned up throughout the day. Gina’s parents returned and Gina’s brother and his wife as well.  I felt a little awkward I guess, probably just because I didn’t know anyone.  I helped out a little with the preparation of the food, but generally just tried to make conversation.  Obviously most people were interested in the Kelli/Terry story, life in the United Kingdom and my accent, which I had come to expect as not a lot of people had known about this, or me arriving.

The food was good, a lot richer in taste than the food we have in the UK, but still really good.  And sweet yams?  with marshmallows?  For dinner? Bizarre.

In the afternoon, I played a couple of comedy songs for everyone after dinner.  Gina and Rob’s kids had a little sing along with their guitars as well, drunk a little wine and tried to fill my role of guest the best I could.

After the Gina’s family had gone home, and the kids had gone off to bed, we broke out the adult rated songs and jokes.  It was a good evening, with most my language and accent being the source of the entertainment.  It was just a really good night.  We eventually hit the sack in the early hours.

Kelli Lee on Thanksgiving

The next day was a bit of a low note.  It was my day to leave.

In the morning, Kelli, Gina and I went out for breakfast, and then drove around a few stores just passing the time.  I went on a scenic tour of Muskegon, looked over Lake Michigan, went for a walk in the snow.  Oh yeah, did I mention that?  Yeah snow, and lots of it.  Then we drove to some neighbouring town and wandered around the shops.  I guess Kelli and Gina were firing on all cylinders about their lives and histories in Muskegon.  Me?  I was just quite happy to look at the scenery.  I love the fact that it was so different from the UK.  I just felt like I was in a massive set for a film or something.  And all the houses were wooden, so everything to me looked like a set from a film or something.

In the afternoon, we discovered that there would be no trains going to Chicago.  Ah.  Shit!!   There was also no boats crossing the lake.  Also Ah.  Shit!!   I had a flight to catch in the evening.

Gina offered to drive me to Chicago Airport.  I felt really bad as she had already gone beyond duties as a host and it was not going to be a quick trip, but also out of options, and I didn’t really know what else to do.

To make things worse, Kelli was now crying because of my pending departure.  She had started in the morning and slowly got worse through the day.  It broke my heart to see her like this.  We had a private chat in the bedroom about what was going to happen from this point onwards, and how it would work, how we could make it work, but it did not make much of an impact.  Essentially we were about to embark on a long distance relationship.  Did either of us have it in us to carry that?  It so easy to say we’ll just carry on like it was when we first met.  But after meeting, was in even possible to go back to that?

The tears were just streaming down her face, and I could feel tightness in my chest.  I guess I had not thought about this when leaving to go on my trip.  I did not think us meeting each other would have had such a profound effect on either of us.  She kept saying that she didn’t want me to go, and that she was so upset. Tears rolled off her face.  I wish I could just say that it was just tears, but it wasn’t.  There was sobbing as well.  What I had done?  This felt like we were breaking up.  I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay, but I had a job and a life back in the UK.  I couldn’t just not go back.  Family, bills, debts, a job, friends.  They were all still there.

We left and drove all the way back to Chicago.  Kelli and I held hands the whole way the the airport in the car.  But it wasn’t good.  I guess I was not really thinking about it too much, but Kelli crying just made the enormity of the situation all the more real.  I tried to humour the girls with my multiple accent impersonations, but really it was having little effect, but a brief stop to the tears.

I had travelled across the world, and across the states to find and meet someone that I had met on the internet.  I guess curiosity had got a hold of me and would not let go.  Ad we had met and it was fine, better than fine, but I hadn’t gone as far as to think about what would happen afterwards.  Would it just go back to normal like it was before?  Would the situation and both of our lives go back to normal after this?  After it had been so powerful?

Kelli and I at Chicago Airport

We got to the airport, checked in and sat down to get some food.  At this point in the day, we could have been talking about anything, but I really couldn’t recall a thing.  I was trying to be calm and collected. I dreaded the moment when they called out my flight number. When it came, I looked at everyone, and everyone looked at me. More tears.  I was sad, but still felt calm inside. Maybe dead. I don’t know.

I said goodbye to Gina and thanked her for her hospitality. I put my arms around Kelli and brushed her hair from her face. She was crying and the tears were endless. The pain in my chest came back. At least I knew it wasn’t dead on the inside.  I kissed her (lots), grabbed my stuff and walked through the security gate. I wasn’t sure whether to look back or not. But by then it was too late.  A wave of emotion came over me, and my felt lips go. The pain inside was just immense, and suddenly, I just felt really sad. The lump appeared in my throat, the tears forced their way out and before I knew it I was starting to cry. I turned to look at Kelli and she was being walked off by Gina with her head in her hands. I was devastated.  My lip went.

I almost ran down the tunnel.  I found my seat on the plane, and I sat next to the window and cried.  It all came flooding out.  It was the first time I had cried uncontrollably since my dog had died.  And loved my dog.

After escaping it, avoiding it, but longing for the correct connection after all these years, I had finally learnt what love was.

I knew that I loved Kelli, and my whole trip and not been looked at beyond my need to know. Maybe my heart knew I loved her before my head did which is why I had held onto this dream for so long. It was the only way I could explain it.  I had no other reasoning that worked.  I had never felt like this before.  Is this what it was like? Why I had not been able to let her go?  I had not thought this through at all.  What was I hoping to have accomplished by meeting her?  My whole trip had only served to hurt us both.

I tried to sleep on the plane, but I couldn’t.   My mind raced like it was on narcotics, thinking of everything all at once.

And I had a wedding to attend to in 12 hours.

Still want more?….

The 3 of them spent 5 or so minutes doing whatever, and then suddenly appeared with Kelli, and headed toward the van.

They were talking outside for a few seconds, and Kelli seemed confused, not too sure of what was happening.  I was looking at her through the darkened window, and she looked different.  Her hair was up, dressed differently, and I felt slightly nervous.  My head went into overdrive.

Is that her?  It doesn’t look like her.   Shit, shit shit, fuck I feel sick.  It’s her…..isn’t it?

After all this build-up, and I was going to be disappointed with the real her, like the connection would be gone.  Thats not what I wanted .  Stupid dark windows.

Everything  inside me went knot shaped.

My heart felt like it had stopped.

The Door Opened……..it took her a few seconds, looking around the van, the delay seemed like forever….I smiled, and she stepped back.

“Oh my God………………………………..Oh my God, Oh my God….are you kidding me? Oh my God, Oh my God”  (repeat to fade for a minute or so.)

She clasped her hands over her mouth, but the words came through.  She even stepped back.  Her friends egged her on.

“Well, he just travelled halfway around the world to be with you, the least you could do is get in the van”

She climbed over the seats, and sat next to me in the back.  Looked me in the eyes.

“Hi”

The smile lit up her face, and right there, in THAT moment, I saw the girl that I had fallen for.  Was it love at first sight?  Who knows.  It was the first time I had seen her in person.  Right here.  In front of me.  I could see her,  smell her, right fucking by me, sitting RIGHT THERE.

“Hey”

“I can’t believe this….how the hell did you find me?” she added

“A bit of luck, a bit of faith and lots of driving around.  I’ve been all over the shop.”

She had a million questions, and I had all the answers.  The smile crept across my face, and I could feel the calm, but content glow inside me, getting brighter and brighter, by the second.  I would try and be cool and briefly engage in what other people were talking about, then I would just look at her.   I couldn’t stop staring at her.  Analysing everything. She was real…..sitting right in front of me.  I liked what I saw.  I loved what I saw.

“you’re not disappointed are you?” she asked

“No, …………..not one bit”

Most of this was a blur at this point (probably because I was not concentrating), but events followed like so.  Everyone got in the van and we dropped April and her child off back home.  Juan, Jennifer, Kelli and I drove to a town called Altus, and parked up at a bowling alley, and went inside for a few games.  Bear in mind, that the 30 minute journey there, Kelli and I held hands, like it was our first love.  Just staring at each other.  Slowly, but surely we leaned in for our first kiss.  Lips met.  It was like lightning hitting me at the same time.  How soft her lips were.  Just the most amazing of touches.  I had waited 18 months for this.  I think back about this time now, I sometimes read this passage back to myself and I can feel it all welling up inside me again.  How awesome I felt about everything.  Like all my faith, all my prayers, all my belief and my years of “being on my own, being fussy and not having dated many women”, had resulted in the most amazing feelings. It had all been for this moment.

So we played a few bowling games, got some food, but it’s all irrelevant.  I can’t even remember everything we talked about.  I just remember how I felt.  We spent the whole night looking at each other.  I didn’t want to be all gooey and mushy.  It’s not really me, butI couldn’t believe that I was here.  She couldn’t believe I was here.  In this middle of nowhere with a woman that I had been conversing with on and off for a year and a half over the internet.  She kept staring at me, touching me, stroking me.

“I’m really sorry, but I just can’t believe that you’re real, that your actually here”

“Neither can I.  I only popped out for a paper.  My mum will wonder where I am “

I could see that she felt the same as I did.  I could just see it.  It was like I could see right into her soul.  I could see her heart just wanted to jump out of her body.  Just like mine had wanted to.  And embrace each each other mid air like trapeze artists.

I asked Kelli, she would like to stay with me whilst I was here.  Kelli moved in with me to the motel, and we spent our first night together.  The next 4 days we drove around her little part of the world.  She would introduce me to some of her extended family, cousins, friends, we hung out, took the piss out of each other, teasing, flirting, ate together, shared a bed…….it was just perfect.  Perfect.  We went on mini tours of all the little dead end towns, went for drives to the mountains.  It was cool, so different from the life I know, in the built up towns and cities of the UK, especially being so close to London.  One of the nights, we were coming back from seeing one of Kelli’s cousins, and it was pitch black.  We got out of the car, and looked up at the night sky.  With no towns and lights around, it was the blackest night and the stars were just immense and COVERED the sky.  We captured the moment for a minute.  I would have stayed out there longer, but it was freezing and we were both shivvering like anything.  Fuck romance.

I’m cold.

On on of the mornings, we were lying in bed talking about us, and our online/offline relationship.  I said to her, if the situation as it stands stays the same, it would not work out between us, with her disappearing for weeks and months on end, huge breaks in our meetings, and being with other people, especially, if we both wanted to sustain these feelings.  I didn’t want to leave, and go back to the UK and for things to revert back to inconsistent talks and periods of no contact.  There would be no point in going on with it.  It would be easier for us to just meet people in our respective countries.  Plus, I did not want that resentment inside me, and be focusing all that bad energy on her.  It was a calm and quiet conversation, but it just made sense to discuss it.

I knew that she was wanting to go back to Michigan, like she had told her friend Gina in September.  So I presented her with 3 options:

1. She stays here in Granite.  We enjoy our remaining time together, and when I leave Oklahoma, it ends.  We say we did it.  No hard feelings.  And move on with our lives.
2. After I leave Oklahoma, I pay for her bus ticket back to Michigan so she could go when she was ready, and when I get back to the UK, we go from there.  I guess it would be like it was at the beginning and we would see if we could go back to something like it was before, and maybe it would make things easier to move forwards than her being in Oklahoma.
3. She drives with me across the states to California, come with me to meet all of my friends that I have over there, that I had come to visit.  All expenses paid.  Then I would fly her and I back to Chicago, and we would leave there.  She would be back with her friends in Michigan, and she could get on her feet there.  Then continue when I get back to the UK.  So it was like option 2, but with a no-string holiday California thrown in, and my charming company.

I knew that I was going to offer the 3rd option, even before I had left for my trip.   I had the whole thing planned.  I’m clever like that.  And had even printed a Google map route from Granite, Oklahoma to San Diego.  But I wanted it to be her choice.

Her face lit up.  That’ll be a road trip across the states then.

And off we go

Me

Now then.  Word had gotten around in this tiny little town of Granite (population under 1000) that their was a stranger in the town (probably the guy in the shop with his foghorn mouth). Kelli and I went back to get some of her things from Aprils house,  and low and behold, Kelli’s ex Kyle showed up on the scene the night before our imminent departure.

Like something from a gang movie, 3 cars screeched to a halt behind me, blocking me in.

Oh fuck.  Fuck.  What the fuck is this.  Panic, Panic.

People got out of the cars, some coming towards the car and the house.  Someone knew I was there.  Kyle came up to the car, staring at me.  I had recognised him from meeting him online.  Probably about a year to the day.  He said

“Hey, you’re the guy from England?”

Suddenly Kelli comes flying out of the house, doors bursting open, screaming at Kyle to leave me alone.

“Kyle, leave him alone, this has nothing to do with him”

“Kelli, this has everything to do with him. It’s all about him”

There was a huge raucous, and I felt slightly intimidated and a little out of my depth.   A woman comes up to the car, telling me that Kelli is essentially a disease ridden woman, that sleeps with everyone in town, and that Kelli and Kyle had stuff to sort out.  But on the flip side she liked my accent.  WTF?

If anything was to happen to me in “GUN LAND“, I would be gone, just like that.  Kelli and the ex, were arguing about me.  No one would know who or where I was.  I put in some serious God time in that car right then.  I sat there and waited for her, and once the tantrum was over (about an hour), all the cars left one by one.  We went back to the motel, talking about what had just happened, and left the following morning.

Kelli Lee

The drive across the states was a lot of fun.  We talked the whole way.  Everything came out, we discussed everything under the sun.  Us, marriage, children, UK, USA, ex’s, our pasts, our presents and what we wanted for the future, music, bands, travelling.  You name it.  My mouth had no brakes on it.  It was all flowing honesty.  Just came flooding out.  Like I had stored it all up for years, just waiting some the right woman to listen to it.  It even shocked me.  My brain was telling my mouth to stop, but nothing happened.  Talked about the scenery.  Just made each other laugh a lot.  It was a lot of fun.  All while we drive across America, stopping here and there for petrol, supplies etc.

So we drove out of Oklahoma, and through Texas.  We pulled over for the night, just outside New Mexico (we were missing all the scenery), and slept in the van on the floor, and continued on the next day, through Arizona (wow), across the desert and over the mountains to California.  Nearly ran out of petrol, twice.  Pulled over at a petrol (gas) station to fill up.  In the store the guy behind the counter has a collection of fuck off big knives and petrified wood (What the hell?).

Eating and drinking in the car.  It was really nice.  Just relaxing each others company.   I can’t explain it.  I’ve never had it before.  But everything just seemed to click, to fit.

We eventually got to San Diego in the evening which was a lot bigger than previous visits because I had to cross ALL of it on land.  So came across all the mountains, uphill and downagain, and just keep driving.  Eventually I started to recognise everything.  Arrived at the destination and checked into a hotel. Chilled after being in the car for what seemed like a year, before showering and setting off to see my American friends there.  I was happy to introduce Kelli to everyone there.  For those that don’t know, I stayed here for 3 months in 2004 and met some awesome people whilst staying with my old University flatmate Paul Ellis, when we lived in Wales.   He met us the next morning.  We spent the next 6 days, wandering around the shops, meeting people for drinks and stuff, turning up at my friends unannounced – SURPRISE, went for dinners, strolls on the beach (not quite as romantic in cold November – even in California), wandering around the shops, taking in the town.  You name it, we did it.  It was just the best time.  We were looking at stuff and we had a lot of similar taste in things and aesthetics.  She even saw my mum on web cam when we went into an internet cáfe downtown.  Everywhere we went was hand in hand, or arms around shoulder.  Everyone that I had come to know in San Diego met her, and everyone thought she was lovely.  It was nice that everyone thought that, but more importantly that I thought it.  And I did.  Faith in my own beliefs and convictions had reaped the biggest reward possible.

Together....at last

I felt like the cat had got the cream, the fish, the neighbours cockatoo, a hair cut and flipped the finger at the dog across the road.

We left the hotel were were staying at and stayed with my friends Kristen, Steven and Andrew for a bit.  Really nice of her to put us up and save us a bit of money.  Day by day our trip grew to an end.  I didn’t have long left, so we talked and arranged plans to fly back.  Kelli’s one request on the whole trip was that I see her friend Gina, who I had spoke to in Chicago, who was like a sister to her.  She lived in Kelli’s old hunting ground, Muskegon, Michigan, and they had been friends for years.  It was maybe 4 hours away from Chicago.  We said our goodbyes.  We left a few days early, much to the disappointment of everyone in San Diego, who had wanted us to stay for thanksgiving, but it was too late.  I would really be cramming it all in, if I didn’t go now.  We said our goodbyes and we left.  The day BEFORE Thanksgiving.  Price-hike-tastic.

Chicago

We flew out and had a nice flight on the plane, except Kelli couldn’t make her ears pop.  I had now perfected this after all my scuba diving training after backpacking in Australia a few years ago.  Eventually got to Chicago.    There was a lot of taxi rushing around, as we had to be at the train station in about 30 minutes to catch the last train of the night.  But it was raining.  A lot. So cue the Benny hill music.

Still want more? Part 5

The Trip

So with my imminent holiday arriving, I had to formulate a plan and quickly……………Okay………..plan made.

I was to stay in Chicago for 2 days in a hostel.

If she did not get in contact with me, I would buy a flight to Oklahoma, and hire a car, to go and find her.

If I could not find her within 4 days, I would go to San Diego, to see some old friends I have there.

I would still have a weeks holiday.  That way, if I didn’t find her, it wouldn’t be such a wasted trip.  And then I would just put it down the fact that it wasn’t meant to be.  But this was my one chance to put my mind at rest, to find out once and for all if there was anything to my feelings for her, and her supposed feelings for me.  My knew what I would do.  Work with logic.  Ask people, ask shops, police, post office.  I was a small town right.  How hard would it be?

I had a plan!!

Chicago

So I got to Chicago in the afternoon, and took the train to downtown.  By the time I got there, it was quite late, night time, and went looking for a hostel.  Everything was sold out.  I was out of luck.  I spent about 4 hours walking around the city.  I now now why Americans drive everywhere.  I took temporary refuge in a hostel to use their phone and internet, but no beds.  Grrr!!  Still nothing from Kelli.  No messages, no emails.  Hmm.  I called her friend in Michigan, but nothing.  She had not heard a bean either. I eventually found a hostel nearly a university or college, and took a cab out of the city into the suburbs.  Went out on my own, ate dinner, went people watching in a bar, killed time.  My hostel was noisy.

The next day was a Sunday.  Back into the city.  Everything was shut.  And walking anywhere in the states is an effort.  My feet officially hate me.  I ate on my own in restaurants, and wandered around …..which took AGES.  I stayed in Chicago for another night, but really I was just wasting time there.  I booked a flight to Oklahoma for the following morning.

Oklahoma

Well, the plane was small enough.  Like a car with wings.  I looked out the window, trying to spot landmarks, but mainly in awe of just how vast America is. It is a lot-of-land-tastic!

I touched down in Oklahoma.  It was hot here.  Really hot, but equally gorgeous.  I went to all the hire car places at the airport, and all of them were sold out (something like 12 companies – TWELVE). Like a scene from a movie or something, there was the last company down the end, and they only had 1 type of car.  It was like a family car, a people carrier. 8 seater? This was also going to be my first time driving in the states.

And as for where I was going?  I had a Google map printout   Oklahoma Airport to Granite.  I was going to take me about 3 hours or just over to get there.  When speaking to people at the car rental checkout, they didn’t even know where Granite was.  Except that it was out west…….and that was in “bible country”

What had I let myself in for?

So off I went.  I turned off the air con for 5 minutes to realise why everyone has air-conditioning over here.  I wasn’t going to do my green credentials any good.  Or my hair do.  Back on came the air-conditioning.  So off I went.  Talking to myself/God in the car for 3 hours.  It was fun, seeing the scenery, taking in the sights…..of nothing.  But beautiful scenery.  There was not a lot on Oklahoma.  In every direction……….as far as the eye can see……….. there was nothing………but land. Fucking Awesome.  This was my little adventure.

Sure, I was nervous, really nervous, and I had a million questions running through my head.

• What if we don’t fancy each other?
• What if the chemistry isn’t there?
• What if she doesn’t look like the woman that I fell for?
• What if its just a big anti-climax?

Then it got progressively worse.

• What if I can’t find her?
• What if I get lost?
• What if something happens to me?

No-one, I mean NO-ONE would know where I was, no-one knew where I was staying.  No-one in the UK, no one in America was expecting me.  All anyone knew back home was that I was going to find Kelli, who lived in Oklahoma.

I eventually ended up in Granite after driving down a dirt road for about 40 minutes, all the way down going “God, I hope this is the right road”. Granite Mountain came into view……..eventually, as did houses.  Population was less than 1000.  Oh dear.  It looked like an abandoned town from Children of The Corn.  The “high street” had about 4 shops in it.  Literally.  Nothing like the UK.  At all.

What had I done?

It now became shockingly clear how correct Kelli was.  I was complaining to Kelli about regular contact, but it looked like half of the people here couldn’t afford to eat, let alone telephone and internet connections.  And there were no phones.  I could not see a single payphone.

I pulled up outside a small càfe and went in.  It was dead.  No customers.  All the staff were sitting around, smoking.  you could hear a pin drop.

I took a gamble, ordered a coke and asked the guy behind the counter;

“This is a small town, the kind of place where everyone knows each other right? Well I am wandering if you can help me, I’m looking for a girl called Kelli Rae Lee, would you know where I could find her?”

He didn’t know, but a voice from the back called out

“I know who Kelli Lee is….she used to work at the garage store on the corner”

So, off I went to the next place.  Nothing there.

The breadcrumb trail had begun and probably the town whispers.

“There be a stranger in town….he’s come for the girl Kelli Rae”

So after some driving around, I found where she HAD been staying when she had written me the letter.  No sign of her there either.  Hmmm.  It was getting on to about 4:30.  Just driving up and down the little streets in Granite.  I was not accomplishing much, besides looking at the houses and the amount of land they all had compared to our tiny little plots in the UK.

Well, I was stuck for now.  I next plan was to drop all my stuff off at a motel that I had booked about 12 miles away, in a town called Mangum.  Kelli had wrote in her email to me that she had been working in a bar in Mangum to try and get the money together.  Shouldn’t be so hard now right?

Mangum

So I drove to Mangum, again down a long road surrounded by NOTHING, and dropped all my stuff off at a motel, booked in and set off again.  I headed off to town……again, not like towns that we have in the UK.   Another dead town in the middle of nowhere, Oklahoma.  I pulled up at the first bar that I saw…..neon signs outside.  Always a good start. I went in, and it was dead, dark, low lit and smoky.  Just the one guy at the bar, smoking and reading the paper.   I went up to him.

“Hey, I’m sorry to bother you, but I don’t suppose you have girl that works here called  Kelli do you?”

“I’m afraid not”

“Oh, well could you tell me where the other bar is?”

“This is the only bar in Mangum.  No-one else, but this one.”

Ah.

Well.

That’s a bit shit then really.

I was stumped.  Next?  Sod him.  I’m asking around.  So I went off to an embroidery shop, and asked the ladies in there, working on a sowing machine or something.  The look of having an english guy with my accent in their shop was probably enough to send them over the edge.  They didn’t know of another bar either, but said to ask over at a convenience shop, seeing as young people worked there, and they might have more of an idea.  As I left, I’m sure they were drooling after me, looking at each other….”Don’t get many people from the UK in these parts”

So I pulled up at the shop, and asked the young girls behind the counter.  They said that there was only the 1 bar in Mangum, the one that I had been to, but there was a place that used to be a bar, but was now more like youth club, hang out place.  It was a big red building tucked away behind some houses on the edge of town.

So, off I went again, except locating this building proved quite difficult.  I was driving around for about 30 minutes, back and forth, dead-ends, and probably around it.  I even drove out of town at one point.  ScarilyI went up on 2 wheels briefly at one point.  Shit!! Didn’t see that bend.  Okay Tel.  Slow down, calm down, go back and have another look.

When they said that it was located, tucked behind some houses, they literally were right.  I drove what looked like someone’s driveway, but I just kept going for a few minutes, and then the dirt track just went off into the horizon.  In the distance on the left was a very faded red barn like building.  I turned in and pulled up into the entrance. It was empty except for a land rover.  I stopped and look around.  Suddenly 2 heads appeared from the truck.  Two Hispanic teens.  A guy and a girl.

Bar or Barn?

“Oh Hi, I’m wandering if you can help me.  I’m looking for the owner, is he about?”

“No, he’ll be here in a few hours, we are waiting for him to come and pick us up” (they’re going to wait 2 hours?  WTF? ) “Why ya lookin’ for him?”

“Actually I’m not, I’m looking for a girl that might have worked here, called Kelli Lee”

Suddenly the girl’s eyes widen.  She looks at the guy, looks at me;

“Oh my God, your the man from England.  Oh my God, Oh my God, its you, I can’t believe you’re here.  Kelli is going to flip.  We know Kelli, she’s our friend, we’ll take you to her”

The relief hit me like a breeze.

Jackpot!!

I left their van there, and the 2 young kids got in with me.  Juan and Jennifer.  Brother and sister.  Two teenage complete strangers, that I just picked up.  They weren’t kids, probably late teens, early 20′s.  Don’t let that get out that I go picking up teenage Mexican children!!  I don’t need that kind of attention.

The following 20 minutes were were talking about how I had been driving around like an aimless chicken, and that I had flown all the way from the UK to find Kelli.  And there was the 2 of them staring at me, like I was some kind of alien.

“oh my god, you have the coolest accent, I love your accent.  You guys have a queen, that’s so cool”

Or something similar. They probably just thought I was nuts. It might not seem so out of place if I was in LA or New York, where it is a little more likely to see english tourists.  But some Hick little town, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of Oklahoma?  I was SO out of place.

We ended up back in Granite, and with the 2 of them navigating, pulled up outside some small wooden house again…….surrounded by nothing.  Jennifer got out, and went inside.  This house was a girl’s called April.  This was where Kelli was staying.  Kelli was not there.  She was around someone’s house, sorting through her stuff in the garage.

April is equally as impressed as the 2 Mexicans, staring at me.

“There is no way that I am going to miss this” she says

So she climbs in the car, with her child, in her pyjama’s.  So, off we went to the other side of Granite.  And we pulled up outside house number 2.

She is here.  It’s going to happen.  Everyone says to make it a surprise.  We formulated a quick plan.  I hide in the back seat of the car, and April, Juan and Jennifer would go and get her.  So I climb in the back.  And waited for them to bring her out.  Looking out the window….and waiting.  This is it.

I’m shitting my pants.

What happens?  Part 4 is here

Oklahoma

One of the emailed pictures

And then we pretty much went back to normal when I got back.  She was adjusting to her life back in Oklahoma.  She hadn’t lived there for many years.  Already she had picked up a southern tinge to her accent.   She lived in a town called Granite, which was tiny apparently.  No-one had the internet there (hardly), and no pay phones (a bizarre concept when compared to a town in the UK).  This was going to be interesting.

The one thing that I had started noticing was that our web chats were frequently interrupted by everyone and anyone that Kelli knew over there.  There would always be people over her house.  Kelli’s brother and friends. I didn’t really mind so much.  I got to meet some folk and chat to other people online, but after a while, I found myself biting my lip a bit, because I wanted to speak to her.  Selfishly I wanted her undivided attention.  I cared for this woman, and our time online was now on share time.  It didn’t help that sometimes her computer would just switch off, and it might be a while before I got to speak to her again.

But still we got on well, and I treasured every moment that I would get to talk to her.  Sometimes I’d worry that we would run out of things to talk about.  But more often than not, we’d talk about loads the next time.  Funny like that.

Is it Karma?

I think around November time, but I’m not sure.  I was drinking and kissed a girl in the nightclub that I worked at, and though nothing became of it, I was paranoid of a knock on effect, like Karma or something like that.  I felt guilt.  I mean, it was JUST a kiss and it was not like Kelli and I were seeing each other. But somehow, I had the impression that the cosmos had told Kelli what had happened.  Like Kelli was here, and she knew or something.   We had discussed that if either of us were to hook up with anyone, we would not tell the other one.

Sure enough, at the beginning of December, Kelli started seeing someone over there.  Nothing heavy at first, but I knew it was enough.  I could just tell.  Little tell-tale signs would add up, and I never questioned her about it.  She never told me she was, and I never told her about the girls that I would hook-up with over here, but it still hurt a little.  I really liked Kelli…..could she not see this?  Did she not feel the same?  But then, we were both so far apart.  And it’s not like we were together.  I guess I was just incredibly fond of her.  And wished I could do about the situation.  If she had been here, no one else would have got a look in.  Maybe I was just over thinking everything too much.  I know that I enjoyed our time together, even if was over the computer.

We had talked about seeing each other some more, and Kelli had said that she would come over to the UK in December, but she ended up bailing her brother out of jail.  So nothing became of it.  The Christmas period was okay, and we spoke for a while, but it was not the same like it used to be.  Maybe it was something that was supposed to happen.  It just grated a little, that was all.  Maybe I was wanting it to be too much.  Maybe she just saw it for what it was…..talking to someone on the internet.

The worse thing about everything was I knew that I liked her, a lot.  I wanted her to like me back.

After Christmas, around the end of January, I started seeing a girl over here.  Actually it was more like we were sleeping together.  I liked her, and we got on…..but it wasn’t quite the same, it was missing something.  I was kind of detached from it.  I would think about Kelli all the time, and then when the other girl came over, I could just switch off thinking about Kelli, and thus could give my full attention.  One night, she was over at my house, and we were fooling around, and Kelli suddenly popped up on MSN, to say that she wasn’t stopping to talk, and that she was thinking about me.

Inside I sank.  Right there and then, I was filled with complete guilt and realised there and then, what the problem had been with girl I was currently with.   She wasn’t Kelli.  Without realising it, Kelli had slowly but surely infected me, and at that moment, I realised that something had to be done about it.  It was now impeding on my actions thousands of miles away.  Even though my gut said she was seeing someone, I still wanted her to want me.  I wanted her to like me, to find me attractive and to maybe want to do something about it.  The worst thing was that I would even talk about Kelli to the girl that I was seeing.  Just complete absurdity.  The relationship over here, ran its course, fizzled out over a month or so and I was back on my own again.

Around this time, I had started to study astrology and synastry within astrology (comparing two charts together, to see how they interact).  It had been about 8 months since we had met online.  There was something about Kelli that I was fascinated about.  I got Kelli’s birth chart details and off I went.  Not only did I learn a lot about Kelli, I learnt a lot about all of the other girls that I had liked over the years, and I guess I was trying to find a pattern amongst them.  But it helped put my own life into perspective, and it answered a few questions about me as well.  Kelli and I had a lot of good aspects between our 2 charts, and even though I would over analyse everything (especially the bad bits), I knew that we were a good match.  We had a lot of good aspects and bad ones, but I have since learnt that there is no perfect chart, only easy and hard ones.  Everyone has the potential to be with anyone else.  The most glaring ones being we were both cancerians and both 8′s in terms of numerology (I’m 8th July, Kelli is 17th)

We had always spoken about her coming to see me, and me coming to see her.  But it was just stuff that never seemed to happen.  It wasn’t like I wasn’t getting on with anything, but at the back of my mind, I guess I just missed her.  It certainly was not magic like it had been for the first 3 months.  But we still went about our respective lives in our own countries.

I knew I was hooked though.  I would talk about how I felt about her all the time to God.  Normally a dead cert for me, when they get vocal confirmation.  Ha ha!!

So anyway, it was around April 2007 time, I had an email from Kelli, that literally blew me away.  I was reading it at my desk at work, and I had a tear in my eye.  She had written the most powerful email I had ever had.  It shared with me, all her feelings that she had for me, how I made her feel, that she had never really let on before.  I remember reading it and feeling so blessed that after all these years on earth, pretty much all of them single, I had met a girl that not only did I get on with, but I fancied as well…..and she liked me AND she felt the same.  I was so moved.  Inside, my little heart dancing around.  I had a tonne of questions still about her and the guy, but she insisted that they were just friends and I accepted it.

*Looking back, this video is quite embarrassing.  I sound quite so bad as I do on this video, and its my sisters old room, hence the pink on the wall…….honest!! *

I had recorded a conversation that I had with her on my mobile phone (not the video above).  And I would watch it, because now we were at the point where I would not hear from her for a week or two.  The video just had a conversation of me and her talking for her for about 15 minutes.  On listening back to the video, you could hear my disappointment in the conversation, about her always saying she was coming to see me, and never being online any more.  But, I would just play it back and listen to her accent.  On play backs, I would feel guilt about how I was speaking to her.  I loved this girl to bits, but I probably came across like a bit of a nag.  Sometimes, I just got the impression, I was being dragged around or maybe just strung along, and I guess because I never got any definitive answers from her, I felt like she thought it was all a game.

She would still find the time to talk to me though, and she was now talking about coming to see me in June.  I held my breath as I had kind of heard it before, and just enjoyed our time online.  She insisted that she was coming though.  I admired her determination.  I had msn conversation with her on 2nd May, and she said she would be on tomorrow.

The Silence

Well, she didn’t pop on the 2nd, the next day, or even for a while.  I remember thinking that I would go a week or so without contacting her.  I was used to contacting her so much, I guess I wanted to see if I could go without.  And if she would say anything.

Well, a few days, turned into a few weeks, which turned into a month, and then a few months.

Of course, by this time, I could do nothing but worry, and actualise things, analyse old emails….you name it, I did it.  I would walk around talking to God, trying to make things a little clearer in my head.  I sent her emails, some funny, a little comedy poetry here and there, sometimes I would wish her well, and sometimes ask If she didn’t want to speak to me again, that would be fine.  Still nothing….. both of our birthdays in July past.  Still nothing.

I figured she had just gone off to be with the guy that she was seeing, but just not telling me about it.  Or something.  I don’t know why, but there was about 95% of me, that had conceded defeat.  She had gone off to be with the man she was with.  Makes sense.

I started dating a girl over here, that I got along with quite well.  She was an old friend and I can recall, comparing my feelings for her, like I did with Kelli.  I mean, how bizarre is that?  Could I not like her on her own merits?  But that is what I was doing.  Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

Even when I was seeing this girl, at this point, I was already writing to some of Kelli’s friends on Myspace, asking if they had heard of her.  I would read posts that supposedly Kelli had written on their comments boxes, saying how her and her man, were going to get hitched.  None of her friends had really heard from her for 2 months, which I took some comfort in, knowing that it wasn’t just a me and her thing, she had actually disappeared.  But I was not happy about it.  I wrote her a pretty blunt email.

“I don’t know what went wrong here. I would have thought after all the
time we spent getting to know each other that, I could have at least got
a goodbye from you. I don’t mind that you met someone else, its just a
real shitty way to end things.

I know that your serious about that guy. Maybe an explanation?

I’ve started seeing someone else. But I still think about you.

Its a real shame”

The Return

I think it was the 17th August, that I logged into my work email, and I had several emails from Kelli.  My face hit up, heart probably jumped in excitement.  I was gob smacked!!  In fact, it was probably a few days after I had sent mine.  Ha ha!!

Where the fuck had she been for the past 3 months?  Turns out, homeless, jobless, crashing on peoples couches, and such forth.  She had split from the boyfriend also.  Her message was as follows:

“Wow… I am not really sure of what to say… i just got back on talking terms with my mom and I have my puter at my moms house so I can use the net.  I am not seeing anyone anymore.  I was not serious about anyone other than you.  That guy set up an account and made it look like i was getting married… I was working all the time and he was at friends houses trying to see what he could do with my friends… and he and I are no longer together.

As for you seeing someone… I am happy for you.  I miss you a great deal and I think about you everyday.  Really, not a single day goes by that I do not think of you.  I miss you so much.  I didn’t say goodbye to you because I was never going to go anywhere away from you.  I feel like someone is sitting on my chest with the thought of you seeing someone that’s not me…

I am so sorry I could not keep in touch.

Always,
Kelli Rae”

I was so happy to hear from her, but I was slightly reserved, thinking about everything from my point of view.  How could she just take off like that? If she loved me like she said, then why didn’t she get in contact? I was upset, so so happy to have her back.  After I had got a lot of the questions and resentment out of my system, it was good again.  All the emails were like what they had been before.  The chemistry was still there.  I stopped seeing the girl over here after a month or so (actually she ended it.  She said “the light bulb just went off”), so I was free to concentrate all my thoughts on Kelli.  We were speaking again.

After 2 weeks of email contact, she disappeared again.  For 17 days.

Then back again.

Well I was a little fed up with this.  I really liked this girl, why was this happening?  The back and forth?  I didn’t understand it, and because I could not understand it, it made me  angry and resentful.  More importantly, why could I not let her go? And why did she keep coming back into my life?  Was I not meant to let her go? What was going on?  It was a lot of hassle for such little return.  Every time, I would seem to be moving on, she would appear again in life, as if to say:

“Hey, where do you think YOUR going, I’m still here. I’m not done with you”

I topped up my phone one night, and I called her after she had stayed put for a few days, at her mother home, as she had given me her number.  We talked for just over 4 hours.  It was the first time I had heard her voice in nearly 6 months.  We talked about everything under the sun.  I think I was laying under the bed the whole conversation.  I actually had plans to meet with the ex that night, but it had slipped my mind.  After I had finished, I had all these messages from her.  Oops.  But the conversation with Kelli was bliss.  Inside me, my heart slept like a new born child.  I had complete inner peace when talking to her.

Then the bombshell

She said that she was moving back to Michigan.

Wow!! I was delighted.  Would it go back to how it used to be when we first met?  I couldn’t contain myself.  She said that it basically was not working out for her down there anymore. More importantly, we had said that we wanted to meet each other.  She wanted to meet me.  This was what I wanted more than anything in the world.  I spoke with Kelli’s best friend Gina in Michigan, who confirmed that they had spoken and agreed she should come home and said that she was coming back.  I was fucking chuffed.

After that conversation, she had gone, again.  I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks.  What was happening to our plans? Oh this was getting slow close, and I was determined not to lose her again.  I had her mothers address.  So I wrote to her……

And she wrote back, telling me she was delighted that I had written to her.  Explained a bit about what was going on with her.  Problems with jobs and payments in small town america.  She told me to go ahead and a book a ticket.   We were going to meet in Chicago.  She was going to be in Michigan in November.  She even had it underlined.  I WILL BE THERE!!

So I did.  After nearly a year and a half of ups and downs, millions of questions, little answers, but some of the most amazing feelings I had ever had in my life, I was going to see the woman that had slowly grown on me.  I sent Kelli an email saying that it was all confirmed, and that I was going to do it.

Then it happened.

I had an email from her, telling me she had been kicked out from where she was living in Granite and she was now concerned about getting the money to get to Chicago to meet me.  Her mum had used one of her pay cheques or something.  They had fought, and argued.  And now Kelli was not staying anywhere.   This was about a week before I was due to go.  I wrote back, but I was not expecting to hear from her.  I just never got anything….

What was I supposed to do with that information she had given me?

No address?  No contact number?

Where was she living now then?

How could I get a hold of her?

So, with a week to go I had NO address and no number.  All I knew was that she worked in a bar in Mangum.

What I did have was a return flight from London Heathrow to Chicago.

I couldn’t go back.  Could I?

Part 3 continues here.

Left alone with my thoughts

I really find myself lost at the moment.  I don’t know how much strength I have.  This whole thing with Kelli has been a huge learning experience for me.  I don’t know if I have it in me to carry on.  I feel like I am walking out to sea against the waves.

But its not life that is the waves trying to knock me off my feet.  It’s Kelli.

Since the last message in March, she made it clear that she did not want to “do this” any more, whatever “THIS” was.  Despite telling me she had “decided” to be with me back in October, and that was her taking 6 weeks out to think about it all back then.

Despite not being there, every time she disappears, for whatever reason, its like slapping me in the face.   I can understand a week, a few weeks, but nearly 2 months at a time.  And its happened repeatedly since we first met on-line nearly 3 years ago.  So for 3 years, she has just kept slapped me in the face.

I’m out of answers.  Out of suggestions.  Out of options.

And now it appears, out of her life.  Again.

I find myself analysing old emails, re-reading old msn conversations, trying to work out hidden meanings, see beyond just simple words and try to understand if I have upset her, done something wrong.

I pray for her to find peace within herself, I pray for her to find enlightenment.  I pray to know how this thing is going  to turn out.

Everyday I seek peace of mind, to slow and calm my thoughts.  These thoughts constantly seek truth and for things to make sense.  I guess if I am honest, that Kelli leaves me wanting to ask more questions, because so far, I have not been satisfied with the answers.

I have sent her emails BEGGING her to get in contact.  I have left my address, mobile  and home numbers.  She never calls.  I would call her.  I get 200 free minutes a month to call anywhere in the world.  I got these so we could speak to each other.  But I have no number for her.

She has said on numerous occasions that she will get a phone, but still I have no way of getting a hold of her.  Its either not important enough to her to have contact with me, or who knows.  Don’t people in love want to talk to people that they love?

Everything that I feel for her fades a fraction every day, and I am scared that one day, I will wake up and she will be nothing but a memory.  More than she is already.

Maybe I am trying too hard.  Maybe I should let her bare some of the responsibility.   But I want to be there for her, even when things are shit for her.   Which they must be.  I don’t know what her issues are.  She does not let me in and I feel completely alone.

A weekend of Pirates and Reflection

So at this point in time, it is the 1st May.  I last heard from Kelli on 23rd March telling me she was “cutting out all the shit that didn’t work in her life and that she was sorry.  She cannot do ‘this’ right now”.   Seems pretty final to me.

I’m sure no-one wants to know how I balled my eyes out like a little girl at a party.   No-one wants to know about how sad I am that I am clinging to this with dear life, because it is the only time I have ever felt anything other than a hard-on.

I was due to go on a weekend trip with some friends on a bank holiday weekend.  We had hired a barge boat between 11 of us and we were looking to dress as Pirates the whole weekend.  I had been looking forward to it for ages.

We were due to leave on Friday 1st May.  So you would Adam and Eve it, that I get 2 emails from Kelli the day before I go.

I logged into my email account and I had 2 emails from her.  Both were quite short.

“I know I said I was pulling back.  I know I said I was pulling my life together.  That all still stands.  I just miss you and I think about you everyday.  Everything reminds me of you. I just want you to know I was thinking about you all the time.”

Always yours,
Kelli

and

I was checking my email just now… and i saw something from your sister… tell her hello. and your mom too…

Terry……………………….

I do miss you.

I love you,
Kelli

As always when I read these now, silence engulfs me, and all is quiet in my life whist I take in every word.

WTF?  What did that mean?  What does it mean?  My head started to spin at an alarming rate and I went over to see my mates to clear my head.

I was over at friends the night before the trip and they didn’t pull any punches.  They were very upfront and honest.

They said that I should just go about what I was doing and going to do like I had not heard from her.  They said to just have a good weekend.

The Trip

I decided that when I started writing this blog, I was pretty honest from the start.  So I guess that calls for it from me as well.

I went on a weekend and had a really good time.  We all dressed as Pirates and travelled at snails pace up the canal from Guildford to Weybridge.   There was dressing as pirates, singing at bonfires, fire juggling, laughs, big lunches, and copious amounts of Alcohol.

On my Return

The trip ended and we all returned home.  I eventually logged in to see that Kelli had written twice whilst I had been away on my 2 day trip.

“I suppose I should take the fact that you did not write me back as a sign that you do not want to speak to me.

I would like to tell you that I had no intentions of hurting you.  I still don’t.  I love you with all of my heart.  I am sorry for any and every horrible feeling I have put you through.  You are an amazing man and my best friend, I am sorry for my actions of putting you and everyone else I love and care about on hold.
I’ve never been one to be all mushy gooey and I don’t want to start now.

I find myself wondering around with no thoughts about what I want to happen in my life and that scares the hell out of me that I don’t know.  I’m scared that If I am involved with anyone including you, that I am going to just drag you down with the way that I feel about how my life is going at the moment.  You deserve so much better than a women that does not know up from down or left from right.

I hope that one day you can forgive me and I hope that one day we will meet again when you finally do.

I will love you forever.
I will never stop.
Your in my heart.

Always,
Your Kitten”

I don’t know what to think and feel about anything any more.  I believed she was sent by God for me.  But if that was the case, then why does she keep running away from me?  Why the secrets?  Why the long absences?  I don’t even live there, so I didn’t think I could get any more cut off than I am now.  The second email had come a day after the last one, whilst I was still on the boat trip.

Tell me to fuck off or something.  I know your pissed off at me and with good reason. Do I need to leave you alone. Do I jump off a bridge. Tell me something. I at least told you I was going to go for a bit… get my head straight.  I’m so confused all the time.  I’m scared to death about every decision that I make that I cant even sleep now.  I went to the doctor and he put me on anti depression pills because I cry all the time now and my life is shit, because I DON’T know what I want!! Fuck! I’m crying now.  I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m not trying to do anything I guess.

I guess I don’t know what else to say.

I’m so fucked up.

I’m sorry.
I love you.
You wont hear from me again.
Good-bye.

So I read all of this………..and what do I think?   Really?

I have heard it all before from her.  Keeps running away from me, then apologising.   What is she apologising for?  All she is doing is not talking to me for months on end.

If she had FINALLY decided to be with me back in October, and everything was good until October, then why “retreat” again?  I mean seriously………..besides a few emails, how am I even affecting her life?  Her daily choices?  We don’t have a relationship.  We don’t even have an internet relationship.

Backing away from emailing someone seems really, really lame.  And I cannot call her.  No phone.

Part of me wishes that I didn’t over analyse everything, investigate and scrutinise every word, but when words are literally all I have, its hard to maintain the happy and ecstatic carefree feelings that I had for Kelli back in the beginning.

Part 15 is here.

Well it all got off to a flying start, but was more like a continuation of what had already been happening since October 2008.  With Kelli now having almost daily access at work to a computer,  I could at least leave her messages and she would get them in a day or 2. There was no more passing on of messages, no more not knowing where she was.  It seems a bit more coherent.  It had generally been good since her return in October.  Both of our Christmases had been somewhat eventful with families.

I spoke to Kelli, who had a list of New Years resolutions, and apparently, I was going to be ECSTATIC with her choices.   But of course, she wasn’t going to share any with me.  I was guessing that one of them would be to see me.  Again, I had a lot of faith riding on it.  If it was not on there, then I guess I would have to think about whether Kelli and I had a future, whether I wanted to be with her or not.  So we joked about that.

Kelli told me she wanted me to visit her dad at some point, who lived in Powhaten, Virginia.  This was the first that she had ever really mentioned meeting anyone that lived in her family, but she insisted about this one.  Seeing as when I was in Oklahoma, we drove right past her mothers house and she did not bat an eyelid.  Kelli and her mum do not see eye to eye on a regular basis anyway, so that was understandable, and her brother was in jail or prison.  But to meet her dad was obviously something important for her.  Even though no plans were actually formalised, it was discussed and agreed.

She had also mentioned getting married again, but I think it was under the breath.  She mentioned in 2010.  This crossed with the fact that she said that her dad is old fashioned and that I would have to ask him for her hand in marriage.  Oh, so we’re still on for marriage then?  Because I didn’t mention it?  She did.

We both had our own lives to get on with and that was fine, but I did like the fact that there was plans.  NO dates, or schedules, but there was talk of them formalising.  And I like this.  A lot.

It seemed weird.  Time heals most things and actions speak louder than words, but this like a complete different from the woman that I had fallen out with 6 -7 months ago.  Points of note:

• She had been at the same job since July, and they had a computer that she could get to.
• She was looking at either a promotion or getting another job completely.
• She was still paying off her charges, interest and court fines, despite earning a measly $14000pa.
• She was talking about coming to see me (I know she has always been talking about it), but she was being very secretive about it all, like she was planning something.  It was easier to get blood from a stone, than get info from her.
• Still on track with the marriage talk.

I guess January was going to be a big month for us.  I also was looking at upping the stakes in my life also.

I, unfortunately, was looking likely to be released by my “awesome” job at the end of January.  The company no longer had the work for me.  They were only a company of 2. I had been been working part-time since June, at probably the only job I have enjoyed in my life.  But even though I had done a lot with my free time when not at work, it was also more challenging to live of a part-time wage  From September, my hours had been cut even more.  I could only just make my bills, but I could not afford to keep my car any more, so off it went.  I had money for food and rent, and that was about it.

I was needing a full time position.  I wanted to fund a little enterprise of mine off the ground.  Plus I wanted to clear all my debts as well.  I wanted to have money for if and when Kelli got here, so we could do things together.

Kelli and I had discussed the coming 2009 summer also.  Friends of mine in San Diego, had invited me to go to their wedding out there.  The date was sandwiched between mine and Kelli’s birthday.  And my Birthday is 4 days after Independence Day.  So we were possibly planning a big trip, maybe 3 weeks.  Could we pop in and squeeze a trip to Pawhaten, Virginia?  So I would need a full time position for …..I guess moving ahead with my life. I didn’t need a job to buy things, but to do things.

• I wanted to clear my debts.
• I wanted money for when Kelli got here.
• I wanted money that would help get my business ideas off the ground.
• I wanted money for our supposed trip to the states in the summer.

Everything all being up in the air, but she was planning things, and I was planning things.  It was nice.  We were planning a future.

Shortly afterwards, during a phone call, Kelli told me she had been offered an assistant managers position in Oklahoma City.  She was really excited, but equally as nervous.  More money, but only because it was more hours, but she had no bills or rent.  Just food.  It would mean having to relocate.  I was really excited for her.  It seemed it was all paying off for her.  But she said that she would need to think about it all.   A few days later in a phone call, she said that she didn’t think she was going to take it.   She was concerned about working the hours of nearly 2 full time positions, and she did want some quality of life.  Seeing as I had pretty much had a cushy year, I could completely empathise…

She went quiet on the contact for a bit.  I then got a facebook message from her saying that she had decided to take the position.

“I decided… that I am going to take the job offer!

I decided and i am excited. I will send you all the details when I get there.

what city, what hotel, what phone number, what address, etc…

I love you and I will let you know.

xoxo”

Were things actually moving ahead?  After all this time?  I was calm, but secretly excited inside.

Was I going to see her again?

The tale continues….

But I suspect, it was something that I had to go through, as well as Kelli.  I love that theories like that exist and are plausible.

But when you are in it at the time.  It seems really shit.

A time to reflect me thinks……. (like this blog ISN’T enough)

I decided to add a few bits.  Most of this story as all been about Kelli, what was happening in her life, but not much mention of what was going on with me.  In time, I may link to other articles that fill in other parts of my life, but for now, it goes here.

My own path

I guess something else I was aware of was who I was now, where I was going in life and what I had to offer.  It had been no secret that I was fed up with one area of my life.  It was my career.  I sometimes wish I had been born one of these people that just saw a job as “whatever, its just a job”.  But I was not.  I was born as someone that wanted more.  Dammit!!

When I met Kelli, I was studying Web Design.  I did some temp work after that, but I was holding out for a entry level position in web design, and I didn’t want to settle on anything.  I landed a job in London, an entry level position.  I got the job through my friend, whose boyfriend who worked there.  Apparently they could not fill the role, due to its low pay.  It was poorly paid, but it was a foot in the door.  This was around the time Kelli had just started seeing Kyle and I was seeing someone over here.

Unfortunately, I had never been fulfilled in any of my jobs in my 10 years since leaving University, and I have done it all.  So I was determined to do something about it.  I guess even though I knew my love for Kelli was ready, my life wasn’t.

Let’s just say for example, that Kelli lived here with me, and her being American was not a visa issue (but every other country is welcome – don’t get me started on THAT one), I would still have my other issues to deal with.  Being with Kelli would probably DISTRACT me from focusing on these issues and addressing them.

I had debts to clear, and career to fix.  It was important that when I met WHOEVER I was supposed to be with, that I went to them with a clean slate, with everything in my life in full and working order.  That I was happy with everything, otherwise I couldn’t be 100% devoted, as part of me would have my mind elsewhere.  I guess I likened to it to what Kelli had said about needing to sort things out before fully being with someone.  If that makes sense.

About 3 weeks after Kelli had disappeared in January, the company in London did not renew my contract, but I was not happy there either, so I was not too upset.  I applied for other positions in a panic, but realised I wanted to do something for me.  I didn’t just want a pay cheque, I wanted to enjoy my job.  I would argue with my mother that is was pretty much impossible to get a job that paid enough to support me, but give me enough time to sort myself.

I asked God in January to help of me out, as I was not having too much luck.  I had also just read Brian “Head” Welch’s “Save Me from Myself”, which was quite enlightening really.  He was miserable with all his millions and a dream job as guitarist in a superstar band called Korn.  And he had asked for help, and was now feeling a lot better about his life.  If it could work for him, then it could work for me.  So I asked God to take care of all the details.  To make me happy, because I had tried everything else, LITERALLY. (blog coming up about all my shit jobs)

I had a temp job for a few months delivering pizza’s, and then out of the blue, I was STOPPED IN THE STREET, by a friend of mine who asked me to come for an interview tomorrow.  What the hell?  That NEVER happens.  Seriously, does that happen to ANYONE?

And I landed the job.  The perfect job.  Paid enough to support me, but gave me enough free time in the week to sort all my stuff out.  The people there were brilliant.  It was walking distance, and I could still squeeze in the gym and some home cooking.

Hand picked by God himself.  Thanks mate.  I owe you!!

And with all that spare time? I had been making small baby steps into a direction I was and am hoping would lead on to bigger, better and more fulfilling things and area’s of my life.  It is not always easy.  I get easily distracted, lose concentration, go off on tangents, but I can look back over months and see what has been achieve.  I have achieved more in the last 4 months than I have in the past 10 years.  I may link to this story…..watch this space on this one.

My own journey

This year had been quite interesting for me as well, besides the above.  Mainly in the women area.

Since I had seen Kelli in November, I had not been with another woman.  Nothing untoward about that at all.  Except I think there is.

Since coming back from America, I have been attracting women left right and centre.  Seeing as I spent pretty much my entire 20′s and for that matter life, single, I would say its a shock.  I did not have a “history” of women.  I was definitely not a player.  I had just had a series of short relationships of a few months and several drunken romantic encounters.

When I came back from the states, within a week, a girl I had, and I guess still did find attractive, asked me to kiss her in the bar that I worked in.  I turned her down, much to the surprise and probable disgust of the witnessing customers.  Why?  I could look at the positives and negatives.  This was a woman that I had found attractive for many years, and I often flirted with.  She was willing and able, and I know, it was just a kiss.  But cheating is still cheating.  The worst thing was that I would still have all that guilt if I had done anything.  I was also reading a lot into the butterfly and hurricane theory of things.  I didn’t want a kiss over here, lead to Kelli meeting someone else over there.  If we were tied in and twin flames, I didn’t want a duplication of what happens here to happen over there.

That was the first of many incidents.

There were offers from first base to home runs.  All from women I either fancied, had fancied in the past, had flirted with, had dated in the past, slept with, had hooked up with in the past.  You name it.  Ms Temptation and her twin sisters were all out in force.

I had also exorcised a few old demons with regards to a woman I was infatuated with back in 2000.  We met out of the blue, and over a series of meetings, I managed to air a lot of my feelings about what had happened all those years ago.  Turns out meeting me, had been beneficial for her as well.  I felt a lot of internal cleansing going on.  Every cloud……

As I write this now, Kelli and I have had our 1 year date (since we were last together) come and go, and I have not been with anyone else, not even for a cup of sugar. People could read a lot into this, but I just had this gut instinct again, about what I did over here would have a ripple effect and affect her life over there.  Even if Kelli had been with anyone else, I wanted to be the one to be strong for her to say…..

“You can throw all this shit at me, but I am not giving up on you, or us.  The sooner you get your shit together, and I get MINE together, the sooner WE can be together.”

On Christmas Eve, a girl I had fancied for such a long time (years and years), asked me to go to bed with her.   She had been flirting heavily at a party a few weeks previously, but I put it down to her being completely drunk, but this time she was not so.  She plunked herself on my lap, cleavage on show (Terry bites lip) and asked me outright.  I told her that I could not do this.

I guess deep down, maybe at 31 years, I realised that the quick bunk up was not going to fill the Kelli shaped hole I had inside, but ending do ME more harm than good.  And my brain worked overtime any way.  I didn’t need to fuel that.  I didn’t the guilt.

As I can recall (and yeah I kept count), I think the opportunity to stray was there.

This time last year, I was worrying my little head off, whilst Kelli was heading back across the state.

It’s been a while.

I was debating whether to include this next bit or not.  But I figured why not.  It certainly echoed events that had happened throughout the year.  This was the reading that I got from the psychic bloke back in January.  So a year on (almost).

By this point also, everything that the psychic had said had come to pass, but I guess you can judge that for yourselves. I think the reading  just nailed it on the head.  I was going to do my point of view, but again it’s easier to write down everything that he said.

“I will start out by saying the connection with you today is very good .,…now regarding the connection with your friend…for some reason I can see or feel that we have an obstacle or difficulty in the path but the difficulty I am seeing here is not really between you and her….for it comes more from like an outside influence situation or circumstance, but regardless of the source it does have a negative effect at times….but also at the same time, I can clearly see that she does think about you often and even at times reflects on her emotions for you….by doing this I can see that she does gain clarity with wisdom….I even see high energy here and leadership abilities whereby she will overcome the obstacles and the connection between you and her will go forward.

Now I want to be very clear with you ….when I talk about obstacles and such I can tell you that regardless of the situation at hand or even outward appearances, you have touched her heart….and yes I know that this very love we are talking about right now is being somewhat tested and tempted by both inward and external situations. But I do see a true love here one that does break through…so let go of any racing thoughts or self doubts for the love is meant to be and will be.

I can see also that because of the facts and circumstances here that others will say for you to take a different direction with your heart….and at times logic may say the same to you…my message to that is short and clear….simply take such good advice and logic and throw it out of the window and follow your heart to her…and my friend your heart is true to you…see the real question here today is not if she has feelings for you and cares about you because she does…the real underlying question is simply when will she fully embrace all of the emotions within her heart for you…find her own inner peace and happiness..love herself and even overcome some fears she has with love…such as commitments and responsibilities of being in a serious relationship….I am saying she will do all of those things in a very positive way through the very essence of the love I am seeing here….see right now she is going through a process…. a process that moves her forward not away from you….in the interim, my friend be careful not to make assumptions or conclusions in a negative way because of her actions or lack of actions for things are not as they may appear and I do say that in a very good way.

I know it is just a question of when not if for you and her….what I am trying to say here is that the standstill the lack of direction in the relationship is only in appearance…like a small pause or a break in the action….as I do see good days ahead. Have faith in her and in the love….what makes things possible here and is so high energy is the friendship you two share within the love….that enables you and her to overcome life’s obstacles for the love to go forward into time…always embrace that with her it is the path to the heart and does catch on fire…in the short the run the best results with her will actually be achieved by being less serious with her….be playful and embrace that friendship by being less serious. I do see you and her becoming more serious.

I feel that the connection between you two is more than chance it is strong like a destiny a love that will not be denied….some would call this a soul mate connection. I go a step further and feel you two are twin flames….you are on the right path with your heart….you are twin flames.  See in life we can have more than one soul mate but we only have one twin flame…the person we are truly meant to be with.  You and her are blessed in that way as you have both found each other the person you are both meant to be with.

My friend you are so right for the gift of love is a gift from our Higher Power and great is the gift greater still is the Giver of that gift.  You keep the faith here and I will keep the love you ask about in my prayers and thoughts.  I see a very long term relationship one that will have stability and security one that can and will overcome life’s obstacles when they do appear.  Yes I see a great relationship for a very long term do not underestimate the awesome power of love and the gift of love where it came from.”

So yeah, that is basically it, in a nut shell.  I know I posted the bit about the soul mates in part 7?, but yeah.  That is pretty much it from what he said.  Even though I had this reading done in January ’08, knowing it in advance did not make it easier to deal with.  I probably forgot a lot of what he said at the time in my states of upset and rage.  And I think pretty much everything that he wrote happened with crystal clarity.  In fact, I think that is why I included it on here.

Niggling doubts

Sure there are days when occasionally I’ll remember something, and it causes me to doubt her actions and words.  Sometimes I’ll think about everything that has happened.  Sometimes I worry that it will have been a year from now, and we still would have not seen each other.  It scares me.

If I had the money, would it be right for me to get her, or to go out there and spend time with her again?  People have suggested it, but I wanted this to be something that Kelli wanted.  Even though she is just a girl from a small town in Oklahoma, she is just as able to get whatever she wants from life.  I guess I just hoped that she wanted me.

Is it going to be any better in 2009?

Well, lets find out…