kelly-epperson « WordPress.com Tag Feed

V-Log Your Way Into People's Homes

pumpupyourbook — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 18:58:40 +0000

I have an online friend named Kim Smith who sent me the link to her very first v-log she has ever made and she’s calling it “Confessions of a Writer Groupie.” Read her blog post about it called “Brand New Endeavor.” Isn’t that cute?

I encourage all my authors to do this because it gives the audience a chance to “see” your personality, something text can’t always do. With v-logs, sometimes it’s the quirkier the better which I brought up with my last post mentioning how Kelly Epperson decided she would do her v-log on Santa’s lap. Watch below:

V-logs are fun and really easy to make. All you need is a digital camera with video capabilities which most of them have. Get someone to take the video for you or purchase a little tripod made especially for small digital cameras and place it in front of you. Don’t forget to hold your book! A v-log is all about you and your book so make sure both are well presented.

Keep your v-logs under a couple of minutes if possible. Too long and you lose the readers so I am led to believe, but honestly, I watched a 9-minute video last night completely entranced and had no intentions of getting up until it was over.

Authors aren’t the only ones making v-logs lately as there are quite a few entrepreneurs who have been doing this for some time. Even bloggers. I watched a v-log a few months ago of a well-known blogger who was vacationing and v-logging her whole vacation on her blog. That’s where I came up with the idea of going to Myrtle Beach next week!

V-logs are great. We’ve got a special blog post coming up Monday by Kim Smith who will explain in more detail how she makes v-logs which might help you decide whether you want to make one yourself. If you have a v-log to share, leave the link in the comment section below. We’d love to see it!

I hope everyone is having a happy weekend and we’ll see you on Monday!

Virtual Blog Tour: Humor Columnist Kelly Epperson Visits As the Pages Turn

pumpupyourbook — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 14:41:24 +0000

Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, WHEN LIFE STINKS IT’S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES, will b

Guest Blogger Kelly Epperson: Gotta Get My Jolly On

pumpupyourbook — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 04:23:20 +0000

I have a guest blogger today! Her name is Kelly Epperson and she’s here as part of her virtual book tour this month, but we’re doing something a little different. With the holidays here and Christmas just…uh, let me count…NINE days away…and since she’s a talented and quite funny columnist and author, I asked her to send me one of her past Christmas columns, the funnier the better.

So, grab a cup of hot toddy, light the fire in the fireplace and enjoy…

Gotta get my jolly on (from December 2007)

Charles Dickens conjured the Ghost of Christmas Past; what I need is the Spirit of Christmas Fast. The holidays sort of snuck up on me this year. Maybe it was the mild weather we had in November. Maybe it was the fact that Christmas decorations hit the stores Labor Day weekend so I learn to ignore them. Maybe I’m just a little too busy. Whatever the reason, it happened. Bam! The holidays are here.
Trying to get my festive frolic kindled, I spent the entire day wandering the mall and in and out of every big box store wearing a hat with mistletoe mounted and dangling over my head. Not one single person kissed me. I’m kidding. Lots of strangers kissed me. Now I’m really kidding!

I don’t have a mistletoe hat, but I tempted to craft one. As an experiment in human behavior, of course, not because that guy at the bookstore is kinda cute.
The truth is that my merry is not as bright this year. We didn’t get Christmas lights put up on the house. We didn’t get a real tree. We didn’t make the roll-em-out, cut-em-out, frost-em-and-eat-em-up cookies.

It is my plan to make those cookies after Christmas. My boys are on school break through January 7 so we’ll have plenty of time after December 25. There’s no rule that states every celebration must culminate on that particular date. If the hype can start months in advance, a few days of holiday food after the deadline certainly is okay.

Since I broke tradition with an artificial, pre-lit tree, it’s also okay to keep my tree up longer. All year long, if I like. Decked in pink and white, it’s sparkly and glittery. Quite lovely and romantic, perfect for Valentine’s Day.
I wrapped all the presents in one whirlwind sprint. In my rush, I did not play my Christmas tunes. I did not go crazy with bows and ribbons. I did not have a coordinating colored paper theme. And it didn’t bother me. I didn’t feel Scroogey, just…normal.

I’m not Bah Humbug, but I wanted to feel a little more HOHOHO.

I had a gal paint quotes on my kitchen walls (Angie-the-Artist is Amazing). Facing the table is the instruction “Eat, Drink & Be Merry.” That’s not just a holiday only entreaty.

Every day is a day to eat, drink and be merry. I don’t have to feel festive because the calendar tells me that I must. I can be pretty darn jolly all year, with or without “seasonal” decorations.

As Christmas Eve hostess for my extended family, I added cage bingo to the mix of games and found some “fabulous” prizes. The mini Thomas Kinkade calendar was bought with my aunt in mind. It was my hope that my college-aged nephew would go back to campus with the Elmo plate that says “Hurray for you!” The armband tattoo would be a hoot for Grandma. Silly and jolly are synonymous for me.

The holidays have been less stressful because I don’t feel obligated to “do it all.” There is no quota for cheer. Or cookies. We can make merry and bright all year long. And to the guy in my neighborhood who keeps the Christmas lights on through March, I won’t say a word this year. Rock on, dude.

Charles Dickens’ famous ghosts have stood the test of time. His quotes have as well. “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”

Me too, Charles. Me too.

Kelly Epperson has been dubbed “Everywoman” and “Rare woman” in the same breath. Kelly’s style is uniquely her own, yet she can relate to all of us. Her weekly columns of life, real everyday life as well as travels through Europe, bring a warmth and a wit that we all long for.

Leaving her job at the IRS ten years ago (it was “sucking the life out of her”), she then embarked on a new career, and served as resident court jester, at a local nonprofit agency that taught English and reading to adults.

Kelly’s motto and quote that hangs over her desk is “To love what you do and feel that it matters – how could anything be more fun?!” After a year in France, Kelly returned to the states and launched a fulltime career of writer, ghostwriter, and speaker. Every day, she does the happy dance in her kitchen.

To maintain connection and spread a little joy with friends, family, and readers, Kelly recently started a weekly “happy mail” – When Life Stinks, Find Your Joy. To check it out, send Kelly an email to kel_epperson@yahoo.com.

Kelly lives in Loves Park, IL (city with a heart) with The Man of the Place, her two teenage sons, who are brilliant and witty of course, and a sweet dog Starburst who sheds like crazy. FYI-Kelly hates dog hair, hence, the essay, “It’s Not Easy Being Cruella DeVil.”

For more info, please visit www.whenlifestinks.com.

WHEN LIFE STINKS VIRTUAL BOOK TOUR ‘08 will officially begin on December 1 and end on December 23. You can visit Kelly’s blog stops at www.virtualbooktours.wordpress.com in December to find out where she is appearing!

As a special promotion for all our authors, Pump Up Your Book Promotion is giving away a FREE virtual book tour to a published author or a $50 Amazon gift certificate to those not published who comments on our authors’ blog stops. More prizes will be announced as they become available. The winner(s) will be announced at the end of every month!

When Life Stinks - Author Interview - Kelly Epperson

Rebecca — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 07:00:22 +0000

Join Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes at Paperback Writer as she continues on her virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book Promotion.

Excerpt:
The Message Is: “Look At My Butt”
They’re everywhere. I thought it was a passing fad, but this fashion statement is sticking around. Teenage girls wear sweat pants with words emblazoned across the rear end. No matter the word, “Cute,” “UCLA,” or “Pinch Me,” the real message is “look at my butt.”

I shake my head with envy. Do it while you can, girls.

My fashion consultants, my boys, tell me I could wear sweats like that. “BIG” or “WIDE LOAD” tickle their fancy. They think “Danger: Hazardous Gas” would be hilarious. I think “Made You Look” would be clever.

As women age, more words fit on the gluteus maximus. The classic, “Does this make my butt look fat?” could be popular. Depending upon my mood, I’d wear “Yeah, baby, I still got it,” or “Thanks! No one has checked out my butt since 8th grade.”

Mother-daughter sweats could become a trend. Daughter butt: CHEER. Mom butt: “Would you believe this butt used to fit into a cheerleader skirt?” Mess with minds by stating “Objects in sweat pants are smaller than they appear.” Just for fun, print in vertical letters: Cheek 2 Cheek.

Certain communities are banning billboards so I predict derriere advertising will be common in the future. Young girls can make bucks renting their rumps to Nike with a big swoosh on the tush. Your daughter could earn cash for college by plastering Heineken on her heinie. The Army could attract more recruits with “Be all you can be” brandished on All-American behinds.

It’s bumper stickers, plain and simple. My more mature bumper could work for Jell-o.™ See it wiggle; see it jiggle. Plastic surgeons could drum up business for lipo suction: 1-800-SUCK-FAT. Fitness clubs could do a dual campaign. Tight buns wear “Gold’s Gym.” Doughy buns wear “Gold’s Gym? Is that next to the donut shop?” Sort of the opposite of the old public service ad, “this is your brain/this is your brain on drugs.” This is your butt at Gold’s; this is your butt if you don’t go to Gold’s.

Certain songwriters think bigger is better regarding the backside. Their lyrics could result in size appropriate butt wear slogans. Small: “Bootylicious.” Medium: “I like big butts, and I cannot lie.” Large: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin’ world go round.”

“If you don’t use it, you lose it” does not apply to butts. If you don’t use it, you get a whole lot more of it. Sit on it and it will grow. My butt used to be a separate entity from my legs. Over time, they have merged into a new flesh I call the “bleg,” the combined area of drooping butt into upper leg.

I need a butt bra to lift and separate my butt from my leg, giving me back the fanny of my youth. Bleg be gone. Then I’ll wear words across the seat of my pants: “The butt stops here.”

Hi Kelly!

Welcome to Paperback Writer.

Thank you! I’m having fun so far.

Would you share with us how you came up with the idea for your book?

I was hit on the head with an anvil, just like in the Roadrunner/Wile E. Coyote cartoons. Not really. When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a collection of my newspaper columns. Readers asked for a compilation in book form, so here it is. I LOVE my readers! I’ve been writing my weekly humor column since 2001, and it’s still a joy. To read every single column, you can visit my mom. She has them all in a scrapbook.

Was it a light bulb moment or something that you thought about for a very long time?

Not exactly a light bulb moment, more a slow, flickering candle. Every time a reader or an editor asked, “When you gonna give us a book?” I was flattered, but put it off. In addition to my column (which is a blast, but can’t support me), I freelance and ghostwrite. The first book I ever wrote is someone else’s, with her name on it. That’s bizarre. My ghostwriting career is booming, and I have now written several books, but I wanted a book that was ME. It’s fun to have a book that I can talk about and show people that I wrote, instead of being bound by confidentiality agreements.

How did you come up with the title?

“When life stinks, it’s time to wash the gym clothes” is a random line in a column I wrote about my two sons and laundry. One of my editors cracked up over it and mentioned it would make a good title for a book.

How did you find an agent and publisher?

I didn’t. I opted to self-publish. My target market was my regional readership. I didn’t “think big.” Now I am ready to face the nation! Bring me an agent and a big publisher! I heart New York!

Who reads your work in progress?

Umm, nobody. When I write books for other people, the managing editor and the client see the work in progress. My columns are short and sweet. Each essay is three pages. The entire book is a light, easy read. Have I mentioned that it makes a great gift?

Who made a difference in the book’s quality?

My invisible fairy godmother. My parents for proofreading. My printer Rich for his caring. My sons for telling me to go for it.

How long did it take you to complete the first draft?

It took a couple months to select what columns would make the cut, typeset it, pick a cover, etc. The cover photo is some French guy hanging out laundry. When I snapped that picture, I had no idea that someday it would be a book cover.

Where can readers find your book? Barnes & Noble; Borders; amazon.com; and www.whenlifestinks.com.

Any bookstore can order it through Partners Book Distributors Inc. (Hi, Tes!)

Do you have website?

www.whenlifestinks.com and www.kellyepperson.com.
YouTube debut: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYRK5S0CgUo

Do you have plans for another book?

Yes! I have launched a joy network – sign up at www.whenlifestinks.com for free weekly happy mail. Next venture will be When Life Stinks, Find the Joy. Or perhaps When Life Stinks, Go to France. We recently lived in France for a year so that adventure produced tremendous fodder. Some of the essays in When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes are from the France year. Readers want more France. I do too. 

Do you have any advice for new authors?

You’ve heard it a million times, but you need to hear it a million and one: Never give up.

Be yourself. Don’t latch onto a trend. Follow your heart. One of my favorite quotes is on my bulletin board: “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go for that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Thank you, Kelly, for stopping by Paperback Writer on your virtual book tour. I wish you continued success through the rest of your tour.

Thank you! (I can’t stop singing “Paperback Writer”!)

Win prizes!
WHEN LIFE STINKS VIRTUAL BOOK TOUR ‘08 officially begin on December 1 and end on December 23. You can visit Kelly’s blog stops at www.virtualbooktours.wordpress.com in December to find out where she is appearing!

When Life Stinks, It's Time to Wash the Gym Clothes by Kelly Epperson

amateurdelivre — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 09:00:00 +0000

Join Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes (RWG Press, Apr. ‘08), as she virtually tours the blogosphere in December on her first virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book Promotion.

About the Author:

Kelly Epperson has been dubbed “Everywoman” and “Rare woman” in the same breath. Kelly’s style is uniquely her own, yet she can relate to all of us. Her weekly columns of life, real everyday life as well as travels through Europe, bring a warmth and a wit that we all long for.

For more info, please visit http://www.whenlifestinks.com/.

Here is a guest post from Kelly – it is something else!

Are You Wearing The Wrong Size?

News flash: According to JCPenney, 8 out of 10 women are wearing the wrong bra size. Who knew? And how does JCPenney know? Are their surveillance cameras equipped with x-ray vision? Do trained security guards stop customers at the exit? “Excuse me, miss, you weren’t shoplifting, but you are wearing the wrong bra size.”

The JCPenney National Bra Fit Event was held in June. How did this event fall under the radar of our local news crews? If it’s a national event, shouldn’t CNN reporters be on the scene with a tape measure? “Sorry, ma’am, you really should be wearing a 36C.” I hate to think I’m wearing cup size Nearly Needing a Bra when my true size is Not Even Close.

If 8 out of 10 women are wearing the wrong size, odds are I’m in that statistic. Who are the two women wearing the correct size? Do they know it or is it just a fluke? Maybe they were alerted and attended the National Bra Fit Event.

The rest of us gals will have to wait until next year, stuck wearing our ill-fitting bras. Or we could shop the JCPenney catalog. The current book devotes 36 pages to bras, but nowhere do I find instructions to get the right fit. The bra makers want us to buy the wrong size. They figure we’ll just keep buying bras.

So many choices are available. We have the Amazing Bra, the Wonder Bra, and the Miracle Bra. My sister-in-law bought a water-filled bra she claims could create cleavage for even me. (The Cleavage for Even Me Bra?) I never bothered to try it. I was afraid I’d hug someone and spring a leak.

There’s lingo to learn in the bra industry: Underwire, seamless, plunge, demi, padded, molded, soft cups, strapless, racer back, convertible, full figure support, minimizers, and push-ups. For me, a push-up is orange sherbet in a paper tube with a stick. Underwire? Something to do with my son’s braces. Demi? Yeah, she used to be married to Bruce Willis.

Too much on the market causes confusion. We need to return to a simpler time. I could market a new line of retro bras: Get back your girlish figure. One size fits all. Buy any cup size and receive a free box of tissues. Kleenex™ – safer than surgery.

The “Stuff-It Bra” may not succeed in all the current competition. The name isn’t as pretty as the Magic Lift Bra, but some practical bras have survived. The Eighteen-Hour Bra has been around forever. It’s about due for a modern name change, maybe the 24/7 Bra.

Now that I’m aware of it, I won’t let the National Bra Event slip by me next year. A national event warrants a new outfit and in this case, a new bra. Just My Size. JCPenney will then have to change their stats to say 7 out of 10 are wearing the wrong bra size. I’ll be there. Cross My Heart.

About the Book:

Kelly Epperson, former IRS agent turned English as Second Language teacher turned writer and speaker, unabashedly tells it like it is, heartwarming and hilarious. From tales of life in France to going blonde to buttwear, you’ll bust out laughing, you’ll get a little misty, and you’ll be sad when this little book comes to an end.

When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a collection of her newspaper columns and no topic is taboo. From the “Job Hazards of Parenting” to “Mysteries of IQ Testing Revealed” to “The Scary, Hairy French Doctor,” you’ll share a hearty laugh as Kelly’s conversational style makes you feel you are a part of the happenings. She also grabs your heart with poignant tales of walking the D-day landing beaches, Grandma O, and her reflections as the days in France come to a close.

Kelly’s fans call her writing “witty, pithy, and real.” A freelance columnist since 2001, Kelly viewed her writing gig as a soul-fulfilling side job. The year in France was a break from reality that propelled her into a new career, that of fulltime writer, ghostwriter and speaker.

In an interview, Kelly states, “Ghostwriting – writing for others under their name – is a fascinating job, and I’ve written for New York Times best selling authors. But to have a book in my own name with no confidentiality clauses is a joy.” Kelly, always the dreamer, may see her name on the New York Times list someday.

Loyal readers are already screaming for more. “Words can’t describe how great your writing makes others feel.” Kelly’s essays are called charming and delightful, and her favorite, “a hoot.”

Some people devour her debut book in one sitting and others savor an essay a day. When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes reads like a letter to a friend because that is how Kelly sees her readers. In fact, she is now organizing a trip to Ireland with her readers!

Beautiful, inspiring, funny, When Life Stinks defies categories. Certainly women feel a kindred soul, but men too are captivated by Kelly’s writing. All ages too find a warmth and a wit that they can relate to; if ever there was a perfect gift for anyone at any time of year, it is When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes.

Excerpt:

The Message Is: “Look At My Butt”They’re everywhere. I thought it was a passing fad, but this fashion statement is sticking around. Teenage girls wear sweat pants with words emblazoned across the rear end. No matter the word, “Cute,” “UCLA,” or “Pinch Me,” the real message is “look at my butt.”

I shake my head with envy. Do it while you can, girls.

My fashion consultants, my boys, tell me I could wear sweats like that. “BIG” or “WIDE LOAD” tickle their fancy. They think “Danger: Hazardous Gas” would be hilarious. I think “Made You Look” would be clever.

As women age, more words fit on the gluteus maximus. The classic, “Does this make my butt look fat?” could be popular. Depending upon my mood, I’d wear “Yeah, baby, I still got it,” or “Thanks! No one has checked out my butt since 8th grade.”

Mother-daughter sweats could become a trend. Daughter butt: CHEER. Mom butt: “Would you believe this butt used to fit into a cheerleader skirt?” Mess with minds by stating “Objects in sweat pants are smaller than they appear.” Just for fun, print in vertical letters: Cheek 2 Cheek.

Certain communities are banning billboards so I predict derriere advertising will be common in the future. Young girls can make bucks renting their rumps to Nike with a big swoosh on the tush. Your daughter could earn cash for college by plastering Heineken on her heinie. The Army could attract more recruits with “Be all you can be” brandished on All-American behinds.

It’s bumper stickers, plain and simple. My more mature bumper could work for Jell-o.™ See it wiggle; see it jiggle. Plastic surgeons could drum up business for lipo suction: 1-800-SUCK-FAT. Fitness clubs could do a dual campaign. Tight buns wear “Gold’s Gym.” Doughy buns wear “Gold’s Gym? Is that next to the donut shop?” Sort of the opposite of the old public service ad, “this is your brain/this is your brain on drugs.” This is your butt at Gold’s; this is your butt if you don’t go to Gold’s.

Certain songwriters think bigger is better regarding the backside. Their lyrics could result in size appropriate butt wear slogans. Small: “Bootylicious.” Medium: “I like big butts, and I cannot lie.” Large: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin’ world go round.”

“If you don’t use it, you lose it” does not apply to butts. If you don’t use it, you get a whole lot more of it. Sit on it and it will grow. My butt used to be a separate entity from my legs. Over time, they have merged into a new flesh I call the “bleg,” the combined area of drooping butt into upper leg.

I need a butt bra to lift and separate my butt from my leg, giving me back the fanny of my youth. Bleg be gone. Then I’ll wear words across the seat of my pants: “The butt stops here.”

Review:

Kelly Epperson proudly displays her dirty laundry on the pages of When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes. A collection of her famed newspaper columns, the book is a series of heartfelt observations and a well-balanced start for a brilliant writer. This is the kind of book that could easily launch an entire series of collections. It’s light and warm-hearted, yet unmistakably comprehensive and soulful.–R. Pulfer, Rockford Review

Win prizes!

WHEN LIFE STINKS VIRTUAL BOOK TOUR ‘08 will officially begin on December 1 and end on December 23. You can visit Kelly’s blog stops at http://www.virtualbooktours.wordpress.com/ in December to find out where she is appearing!As a special promotion for all our authors, Pump Up Your Book Promotion is giving away a FREE virtual book tour to a published author or a $50 Amazon gift certificate to those not published who comments on our authors’ blog stops. More prizes will be announced as they become available. The winner(s) will be announced at the end of every month!

Virtual Book Tour: Introducing Humor Writer and author Kelly Epperson

pumpupyourbook — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 14:18:59 +0000

I am so excited about today’s guest author here today at As the Pages Turn!

Kelly Epperson, author of When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes, is here with a brand new v-log talking about her book in one of the most….um…unlikely places….in Santa Claus’ lap! You heard it right! Kelly is on a virtual book tour with Pump Up Your Book Promotion and had this terrific idea…I won’t spoil it…watch!

Wasn’t Santa a good sport????

Here’s more about Kelly and her new book!

About the Author:

For more info, please visit www.whenlifestinks.com.

About the Book:

When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a collection of her newspaper columns and no topic is taboo. From the “Job Hazards of Parenting” to “Mysteries of IQ Testing Revealed” to “The Scary, Hairy French Doctor,” you’ll share a hearty laugh as Kelly’s conversational style makes you feel you are a part of the happenings. She also grabs your heart with poignant tales of walking the D-day landing beaches, Grandma O, and her reflections as the days in France come to a close.

Excerpt:

The Message Is: “Look At My Butt”

They’re everywhere. I thought it was a passing fad, but this fashion statement is sticking around. Teenage girls wear sweat pants with words emblazoned across the rear end. No matter the word, “Cute,” “UCLA,” or “Pinch Me,” the real message is “look at my butt.”

I shake my head with envy. Do it while you can, girls.

My fashion consultants, my boys, tell me I could wear sweats like that. “BIG” or “WIDE LOAD” tickle their fancy. They think “Danger: Hazardous Gas” would be hilarious. I think “Made You Look” would be clever.

As women age, more words fit on the gluteus maximus. The classic, “Does this make my butt look fat?” could be popular. Depending upon my mood, I’d wear “Yeah, baby, I still got it,” or “Thanks! No one has checked out my butt since 8th grade.”

Mother-daughter sweats could become a trend. Daughter butt: CHEER. Mom butt: “Would you believe this butt used to fit into a cheerleader skirt?” Mess with minds by stating “Objects in sweat pants are smaller than they appear.” Just for fun, print in vertical letters: Cheek 2 Cheek.

Certain communities are banning billboards so I predict derriere advertising will be common in the future. Young girls can make bucks renting their rumps to Nike with a big swoosh on the tush. Your daughter could earn cash for college by plastering Heineken on her heinie. The Army could attract more recruits with “Be all you can be” brandished on All-American behinds.

It’s bumper stickers, plain and simple. My more mature bumper could work for Jell-o.™ See it wiggle; see it jiggle. Plastic surgeons could drum up business for lipo suction: 1-800-SUCK-FAT. Fitness clubs could do a dual campaign. Tight buns wear “Gold’s Gym.” Doughy buns wear “Gold’s Gym? Is that next to the donut shop?” Sort of the opposite of the old public service ad, “this is your brain/this is your brain on drugs.” This is your butt at Gold’s; this is your butt if you don’t go to Gold’s.

Certain songwriters think bigger is better regarding the backside. Their lyrics could result in size appropriate butt wear slogans. Small: “Bootylicious.” Medium: “I like big butts, and I cannot lie.” Large: “Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin’ world go round.”

“If you don’t use it, you lose it” does not apply to butts. If you don’t use it, you get a whole lot more of it. Sit on it and it will grow. My butt used to be a separate entity from my legs. Over time, they have merged into a new flesh I call the “bleg,” the combined area of drooping butt into upper leg.

I need a butt bra to lift and separate my butt from my leg, giving me back the fanny of my youth. Bleg be gone. Then I’ll wear words across the seat of my pants: “The butt stops here.”

Review:

–R. Pulfer, Rockford Review

when life stinks is getting around

frenchbreadkelly — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:09:30 +0000

When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is on tour:

THANKS to the bloggers and reviewers for their fun words!

Dec 1 – The Writer’s Life (v-log)www.thewriterslife.blogspot.com
Dec 2 – Blogcritics (interview)
Beyond the Books (interview)
Dec 3 -Bookopolis (review)
Dec 4 – 1st Page (book spotlight)
Dec 5 – Bookopolis (interview)
www.thestorybehindthebook.wordpress.com (guest post)

Dec 8 – Zensanity (interview)
Dec 9 – Literature Chick (review)
            www.bookexcerpts.wordpress.com (book spotlight)
Dec 10 – Scribe Vibe (guest post) www.scribevibe.blogspot.com
Dec 11 – The Book Connection (guest post) www.thebookconnection.blogspot.com
              (interview) www.rebecca2007.wordpress.com
Dec 12 – American Chronicle (interview) www.americanchronicle.com

Dec 15 – The Book Rack (book review) www.thebookrack.wordpress.com
(book review) www.cindylovesbooks.blogspot.com
Cindy Loves Books (interview) www.cindylovesbooks.blogspot.com
Dec 16 – (book trailer spotlight) www.bookvideos.wordpress.com
Dec 17 – The Book Czar (review) www.thebookczar.blogspot.com
Dec 18 – The Printed Page (review) http://printedpage.us/
Dec 19 – The Printed Page (interview; book giveaway) http://printedpage.us/
Dec 22 – Divine Caroline (interview) www.divinecaroline.com
Dec 23 – Boomer Chick (guest post) www.overthehillchick.blogspot.com

Pump Up Your Book Promotion's December Authors on Tour - Day 4

pumpupyourbook — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:00:44 +0000

Welcome to Day Four of Pump Up Your Book Promotion’s December Authors on Virtual BookTour! Follow along as these talented authors travel the blogosphere all month long to talk about their books, their lives and their future projects. Leave a comment at their blog stops and you could win a FREE virtual book tour if you’re a published author with a recent release or a $50 Amazon gift certificate if you are not published. So, pick your favorites, follow their tours, and make sure you leave them a note to tell them you stopped by!

________________________________________________

Reb Bradley, author of the political book, BORN LIBERAL RAISED RIGHT, will be stopping off at Sandy PR.com! Undisciplined, self-worshiping kids grow into liberals driven by the same narcissistic, overemotional “I-want-it-now” worldview they had as toddlers, with the results we see today. As Born Liberal, Raised Right proves, these are just the kinds of delusions that our nation can no longer afford to indulge.

________________________________________________

D. Barkley Briggs, author of the young adult novel, THE BOOK OF NAMES, will be stopping off at American Chronicle and The Book Connection! It was supposed to be a routine Thanksgiving break. But when Hadyn and Ewan Barlow discover an ancient Viking runestone buried on their family farm, they unwittingly open a magical portal to another world. Fleeing grief and broken dreams over the loss of their mother, the two brothers find themselves hailed as Champions in the Kingdom of Karac Tor. But all is not well. Nemesia the witch is releasing shadows over the whole land. Names are being stolen from The Book of Names, the most sacred relic of the kingdom. Before long, the Barlows realize they must find the courage to fight, or they will never find their way home. There’s one problem: even if they win, will anyone know how to send them back?

_______________________________________________

Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, WHEN LIFE STINKS IT’S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES, will be stopping off at The 1st Page and Bookopolis! When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a collection of her newspaper columns and no topic is taboo. From the “Job Hazards of Parenting” to “Mysteries of IQ Testing Revealed” to “The Scary, Hairy French Doctor,” you’ll share a hearty laugh as Kelly’s conversational style makes you feel you are a part of the happenings. She also grabs your heart with poignant tales of walking the D-day landing beaches, Grandma O, and her reflections as the days in France come to a close.

________________________________________________

Lloyd Lofthouse, author of the historical fiction novel, MY SPLENDID CONCUBINE, will be stopping off at The Writer’s Life! Driven by a passion for his adopted country, Robert Hart became the “godfather of China’s modernism,” inspector general of China’s Customs Service, and the builder of China’s railroads, postal and telegraph systems, and schools, but his first real love is Ayaou, a young concubine.

________________________________________________

J.L. Miles, author of the hilarious women’s fiction/chick lit book, DIVORCING DWAYNE, will be stopping off at Lori’s Reading Corner! Francine Harper’s in the Pickville Springs County Jail facing felony assault charges. Her offense? She shot at her husband, Dwayne, and his lover, Carla, after catching them together— in the very bed her daddy had carved and given to Francine and Dwayne on their wedding day. Even though she hit the bed and missed the lovers, she soon learns she’s committed a felony, and the deputy district attorney—who’s never been fond of her since she jilted his brother—is determined to prosecute her to the fullest extent of the law.

_______________________________________________

Maria Murnane, author of the romantic comedy novel, PERFECT ON PAPER, will be stopping off at Need More Shelves! When her fiance calls off their wedding at the last minute, Waverly Bryson wonders if her life will ever turn out the way she though it would…or should. Her high-powered job in sports PR? Not so perfect. Her relationship with her dad? Far from it. Her perfect marriage? Enough said. “Perfect on Paper” is a humorous tale of Waverly’s efforts to cobble the pieces of a broken yesterday into a brand new tomorrow. What does the future have in store for her? Will she finally find what she’s looking for?

______________________________________________

Stanley Popovich, author of the self-help book, A LAYMAN’S GUIDE TO MANAGING FEAR USING PSYCHOLOGY, CHRISTIANITY AND NON-RESISTANT METHODS, will be stopping off at Powerful Presenters Blog! An easy to read book that presents a general overview of techniques that are effective in managing persistent fears and anxieties. Stan has interviewed various professionals in the counseling field and has over 15 years of personal experience in dealing with fear and anxiety. Stan’s book addresses a wealth of successful techniques for the management of fear, anxiety, recovery, addiction, depression, stress and other mental health issues.

_____________________________________________

Marta Stephens, author of the crime mystery suspense novel, THE DEVIL CAN WAIT, will be stopping off at The Plot and Introducing Writers at Blog Talk Radio! The city of Chandler, Massachusetts is plunged into terror when the bodies of three local teenagers wash ashore. While homicide detective Sam Harper hunts down the guilty, a sinister plot emerges overseas. From the Vatican to the jungles of South America, a cursed black pearl ring, the demonic prophecy it represents, and the men who pursue its powers find their unfortunate way onto Harper’s turf.

_____________________________________________

Steven Verrier, author of the novel, TOUGH LOVE TENDER HEART, will be stopping off at The Story Behind the Book! Don Fisher, a 41-year-old misfit who craves love but has known little of it, lives alone on the outskirts of New York City in an apartment about the size of a squash court, where “during much of the time he was there Don could have sworn he was the ball.” Seeking a break from the northeastern cold, he catches a year-end flight to Caracas, Venezuela, where he lucks into a whirlwind encounter with Ana, a beautiful Colombian. After returning to New York, Don gets shocking news from Ana that leads to a marriage proposal and plans for Ana to join him permanently in the United States. What follows is a gripping account of the struggles this improbable couple face in dealing with the US immigration bureaucracy and in getting their relationship off the ground. Reminiscent of The Bridges of Madison County, TOUGH LOVE, TENDER HEART is a stirring, fast-flowing depiction of love trying to take root in an impossible situation, and a tale of unsurpassed relevance to our cross-cultural and post-9/11 age.

_______________________________________________

Pamela Samuels Young, author of the legal thriller, MURDER ON THE LOW DOWN, will be stopping off at Chocolate the Other White Meat! A brazen killer is targeting some of L.A.’s most prominent citizens. The victims are all quintessential family men. Well-educated. Attractive. Successful. But appearances can be deceiving. When the baffling murders are linked to a high-profile lawsuit, a tenacious female detective soon exposes a scandalous tale of lust, lies and vengeance.

____________________________________________

Stephen V. Masse, author of the suspense fiction novel, A Jolly Good Fellow , will be stopping off at A Blog of Books and The Friendly Book Nook! Two weeks before Christmas, Duncan Wagner gets into his car for another attempt at kidnapping the son of his most despised enemy, State Representative Win Booker. When he drives into the wealthy Boston suburb, he is surprised to find the boy hitchhiking.

So begins Wagner’s quest for revenge as he finds himself face to face with a real boy, and without a clue about how to run a kidnapping. Wagner, a self-styled charity Santa Claus, comes to realize that eleven year old Gabriel Booker is truly a runaway, much more curious than scared. Gabriel has no idea who Duncan Wagner is—or could be.

————————————————————–

Mark LaFlamme, author of the political thriller, Dirt, will be stopping off at July’s Jewels! A grieving man disappears with the body of his dead bride and a mad race is on to find him before he can destroy his father’s campaign for the White House. An exploration of the dark side of politics, “Dirt: An American Campaign” delivers a plot teetering on the cliff-edge of madness as one candidate tries to bury his own scandals while exposing the dirt of others.

————————————————————–

David S. Grant, author of the literary fiction dual novel, BLEACH l BLACKOUT, will be stopping off at The Library at the End of the Universe! Fans of fluffy romance novels and that all-too-familiar, over-hyped, edge-of-the-seat crap should steer clear. This is life at its most jaded. Offense Mechanisms is proud to present Bleach | Blackout by David S. Grant, two novels about drugs, sex, revenge, the corporate crunch, and the inevitable unpleasantness of life and death.

_______________________________________________

When Life Stinks, It's Time to Wash the Gym Clothes

ccmal — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 04:00:05 +0000

When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes
Author: Kelly Epperson
Publisher: Rockford Writer’s Guild
Rating:

Reviewed by: Cheryl Malandrinos

If you are looking for the perfect gift for the Mom on your list, then look no further than When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes by Kelly Epperson.

A compilation of Epperson’s columns that have appeared in a variety of newspapers, When Life Stinks is an often humorous look at life, aging, motherhood, and world events.

From traveling down memory lane to the hazards of parenting, from 9/11 to the death of Princess Diana, and from Live Aid to living in France, When Life Stinks will have you saying, “Yes! Finally there is someone who understands.” Epperson talks about the making and breaking of New Year’s resolutions and being a “gum junkie”. You’ll laugh right along with her as she discusses how JcPenney might have discovered that 8 out 10 women are wearing the wrong bra size and the fad of girls wearing sweatpants with words plastered across their behinds.

Granted, I may have related more to this book than a younger reader because Epperson and I are close enough in age that I recognized the name of almost every band or musician mentioned, but most of the themes flowing through When Life Stinks are universal and can be appreciated by a diverse group of readers.

A great debut for Kelly Epperson. I can’t wait to see what she’s up to next.

Pump Up Your Book Promotion's December Authors on Tour - Day 3

pumpupyourbook — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 00:00:23 +0000

Welcome to Day Three of Pump Up Your Book Promotion’s December Authors on Virtual BookTour! Follow along as these talented authors travel the blogosphere all month long to talk about their books, their lives and their future projects. Leave a comment at their blog stops and you could win a FREE virtual book tour if you’re a published author with a recent release or a $50 Amazon gift certificate if you are not published. So, pick your favorites, follow their tours, and make sure you leave them a note to tell them you stopped by!

________________________________________________

Reb Bradley, author of the political book, BORN LIBERAL RAISED RIGHT, will be stopping off at American Chronicle! Undisciplined, self-worshiping kids grow into liberals driven by the same narcissistic, overemotional “I-want-it-now” worldview they had as toddlers, with the results we see today. As Born Liberal, Raised Right proves, these are just the kinds of delusions that our nation can no longer afford to indulge.

________________________________________________

D. Barkley Briggs, author of the young adult novel, THE BOOK OF NAMES, will be stopping off at Denyse Bridger’s Fantasy Pages! It was supposed to be a routine Thanksgiving break. But when Hadyn and Ewan Barlow discover an ancient Viking runestone buried on their family farm, they unwittingly open a magical portal to another world. Fleeing grief and broken dreams over the loss of their mother, the two brothers find themselves hailed as Champions in the Kingdom of Karac Tor. But all is not well. Nemesia the witch is releasing shadows over the whole land. Names are being stolen from The Book of Names, the most sacred relic of the kingdom. Before long, the Barlows realize they must find the courage to fight, or they will never find their way home. There’s one problem: even if they win, will anyone know how to send them back?

_______________________________________________

Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, WHEN LIFE STINKS IT’S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES, will be stopping off at Beyond the Books! When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a collection of her newspaper columns and no topic is taboo. From the “Job Hazards of Parenting” to “Mysteries of IQ Testing Revealed” to “The Scary, Hairy French Doctor,” you’ll share a hearty laugh as Kelly’s conversational style makes you feel you are a part of the happenings. She also grabs your heart with poignant tales of walking the D-day landing beaches, Grandma O, and her reflections as the days in France come to a close.

________________________________________________

Lloyd Lofthouse, author of the historical fiction novel, MY SPLENDID CONCUBINE, will be stopping off at The Book Stacks! Driven by a passion for his adopted country, Robert Hart became the “godfather of China’s modernism,” inspector general of China’s Customs Service, and the builder of China’s railroads, postal and telegraph systems, and schools, but his first real love is Ayaou, a young concubine.

________________________________________________

Jenny McGill, author of the memoir, DRAMA & DIPLOMACY: IN SULTRY PUERTO VALLARTA, will be stopping off at Publishing Secrets of Authors! The non-fiction account begins in 1954 when an eager to see the world young woman looks for a path to explore. Although the American flag is given the highest respect, diplomacy takes on a new meaning as the author slips and slides through the darker side of consular work on foreign soil.

_______________________________________________

J.L. Miles, author of the hilarious women’s fiction/chick lit book, DIVORCING DWAYNE, will be stopping off at American Chronicle! Francine Harper’s in the Pickville Springs County Jail facing felony assault charges. Her offense? She shot at her husband, Dwayne, and his lover, Carla, after catching them together— in the very bed her daddy had carved and given to Francine and Dwayne on their wedding day. Even though she hit the bed and missed the lovers, she soon learns she’s committed a felony, and the deputy district attorney—who’s never been fond of her since she jilted his brother—is determined to prosecute her to the fullest extent of the law.

_______________________________________________

Marilyn Celeste Morris, author of the fictional novel, FORCES OF NATURE, will be stopping off at The Book Connection! What would happen when a bomber from the nearby Air Force base is flung by a fierce tornado into the county’s largest shopping mall? Begin the day with the mall manager, his assistant, the security officer and Howard the Weatherman, whose predictions are always uncannily accurate, and in this case, deadly.

_______________________________________________

Maria Murnane, author of the romantic comedy novel, PERFECT ON PAPER, will be stopping off at Laski Gal! When her fiance calls off their wedding at the last minute, Waverly Bryson wonders if her life will ever turn out the way she though it would…or should. Her high-powered job in sports PR? Not so perfect. Her relationship with her dad? Far from it. Her perfect marriage? Enough said. “Perfect on Paper” is a humorous tale of Waverly’s efforts to cobble the pieces of a broken yesterday into a brand new tomorrow. What does the future have in store for her? Will she finally find what she’s looking for?

______________________________________________

Robert Patterson, author of the nonfiction business book, FIVE STEPS TO C.A.L.M. (CAREER AND LIFE MANAGEMENT) will be stopping off at Divine Caroline! This set of instructions is a must read for the “career changer” and “job seeker” in any geographical area of the United States. Written by a veteran from the school of “real street knowledge.” The author has thought of everything in preparing you for the job search. He has included a website listing for those of you who want to do your job-hunting via the Internet. If you are willing to sacrifice anything to satisfy a limitless desire for knowledge, then C.A.L.M. is, without a doubt, the course of study for you.

_____________________________________________

William Petrick, author of the contemporary fiction novel, THE FIVE LOST DAYS, will be stopping off at Book Excerpts of Bestselling Authors! Struggling documentary producer Michael Burns has traveled to the remote Maya Mountains of Belize to capture exclusive footage of the last surviving curandero. The traditional Mayan healer may hold the key to discovering new medicines among the vast, uncharted flora of the rain forest. But with a violent civil war spilling across the border from neighboring Guatemala – and Burns inexplicably drawn to the aging curandero’s American apprentice – the filmmakers stumble into a more explosive story than they ever could have imagined. At once an adventure and an exploration into the nature of perception, THE FIVE LOST DAYS exposes the clash between modern culture and ancient beliefs.

_____________________________________________

Stanley Popovich, author of the self-help book, A LAYMAN’S GUIDE TO MANAGING FEAR USING PSYCHOLOGY, CHRISTIANITY AND NON-RESISTANT METHODS, will be stopping off at Divine Caroline! An easy to read book that presents a general overview of techniques that are effective in managing persistent fears and anxieties. Stan has interviewed various professionals in the counseling field and has over 15 years of personal experience in dealing with fear and anxiety. Stan’s book addresses a wealth of successful techniques for the management of fear, anxiety, recovery, addiction, depression, stress and other mental health issues.

_____________________________________________

Marta Stephens, author of the crime mystery suspense novel, THE DEVIL CAN WAIT, will be stopping off at The Writer’s Life! The city of Chandler, Massachusetts is plunged into terror when the bodies of three local teenagers wash ashore. While homicide detective Sam Harper hunts down the guilty, a sinister plot emerges overseas. From the Vatican to the jungles of South America, a cursed black pearl ring, the demonic prophecy it represents, and the men who pursue its powers find their unfortunate way onto Harper’s turf.

_____________________________________________

Steven Verrier, author of the novel, TOUGH LOVE TENDER HEART, will be stopping off at The Writer’s Life! Don Fisher, a 41-year-old misfit who craves love but has known little of it, lives alone on the outskirts of New York City in an apartment about the size of a squash court, where “during much of the time he was there Don could have sworn he was the ball.” Seeking a break from the northeastern cold, he catches a year-end flight to Caracas, Venezuela, where he lucks into a whirlwind encounter with Ana, a beautiful Colombian. After returning to New York, Don gets shocking news from Ana that leads to a marriage proposal and plans for Ana to join him permanently in the United States. What follows is a gripping account of the struggles this improbable couple face in dealing with the US immigration bureaucracy and in getting their relationship off the ground. Reminiscent of The Bridges of Madison County, TOUGH LOVE, TENDER HEART is a stirring, fast-flowing depiction of love trying to take root in an impossible situation, and a tale of unsurpassed relevance to our cross-cultural and post-9/11 age.

_______________________________________________

Pamela Samuels Young, author of the legal thriller, MURDER ON THE LOW DOWN, will be stopping off at Acme Authors! A brazen killer is targeting some of L.A.’s most prominent citizens. The victims are all quintessential family men. Well-educated. Attractive. Successful. But appearances can be deceiving. When the baffling murders are linked to a high-profile lawsuit, a tenacious female detective soon exposes a scandalous tale of lust, lies and vengeance.

____________________________________________

Stephen V. Masse, author of the suspense fiction novel, A Jolly Good Fellow , will be stopping off at Scrappy Designs! Two weeks before Christmas, Duncan Wagner gets into his car for another attempt at kidnapping the son of his most despised enemy, State Representative Win Booker. When he drives into the wealthy Boston suburb, he is surprised to find the boy hitchhiking.

————————————————————–

Mark LaFlamme, author of the political thriller, Dirt, will be stopping off at Bookwormom ! A grieving man disappears with the body of his dead bride and a mad race is on to find him before he can destroy his father’s campaign for the White House. An exploration of the dark side of politics, “Dirt: An American Campaign” delivers a plot teetering on the cliff-edge of madness as one candidate tries to bury his own scandals while exposing the dirt of others.

————————————————————–

Pump Up Your Book Promotion's December Authors on Tour - Day 2

pumpupyourbook — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 00:00:13 +0000

Welcome to Day Two of Pump Up Your Book Promotion’s December Authors on Virtual BookTour! Follow along as these talented authors travel the blogosphere all month long to talk about their books, their lives and their future projects. Leave a comment at their blog stops and you could win a FREE virtual book tour if you’re a published author with a recent release or a $50 Amazon gift certificate if you are not published. So, pick your favorites, follow their tours, and make sure you leave them a note to tell them you stopped by!

________________________________________________

Reb Bradley, author of the political book, BORN LIBERAL RAISED RIGHT, will be stopping off at The Writer’s Life! Undisciplined, self-worshiping kids grow into liberals driven by the same narcissistic, overemotional “I-want-it-now” worldview they had as toddlers, with the results we see today. As Born Liberal, Raised Right proves, these are just the kinds of delusions that our nation can no longer afford to indulge.

________________________________________________

D. Barkley Briggs, author of the young adult novel, THE BOOK OF NAMES, will be stopping off at Breeni Books! It was supposed to be a routine Thanksgiving break. But when Hadyn and Ewan Barlow discover an ancient Viking runestone buried on their family farm, they unwittingly open a magical portal to another world. Fleeing grief and broken dreams over the loss of their mother, the two brothers find themselves hailed as Champions in the Kingdom of Karac Tor. But all is not well. Nemesia the witch is releasing shadows over the whole land. Names are being stolen from The Book of Names, the most sacred relic of the kingdom. Before long, the Barlows realize they must find the courage to fight, or they will never find their way home. There’s one problem: even if they win, will anyone know how to send them back?

_______________________________________________

Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, WHEN LIFE STINKS IT’S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES, will be stopping off at Blogcritics! When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a collection of her newspaper columns and no topic is taboo. From the “Job Hazards of Parenting” to “Mysteries of IQ Testing Revealed” to “The Scary, Hairy French Doctor,” you’ll share a hearty laugh as Kelly’s conversational style makes you feel you are a part of the happenings. She also grabs your heart with poignant tales of walking the D-day landing beaches, Grandma O, and her reflections as the days in France come to a close.

________________________________________________

Lloyd Lofthouse, author of the historical fiction novel, MY SPLENDID CONCUBINE, will be stopping off at Blog Talk Radio With David K. Ewin! Driven by a passion for his adopted country, Robert Hart became the “godfather of China’s modernism,” inspector general of China’s Customs Service, and the builder of China’s railroads, postal and telegraph systems, and schools, but his first real love is Ayaou, a young concubine.

________________________________________________

Jenny McGill, author of the memoir, DRAMA & DIPLOMACY: IN SULTRY PUERTO VALLARTA, will be stopping off at The Book Connection! The non-fiction account begins in 1954 when an eager to see the world young woman looks for a path to explore. Although the American flag is given the highest respect, diplomacy takes on a new meaning as the author slips and slides through the darker side of consular work on foreign soil.

_______________________________________________

J.L. Miles, author of the hilarious women’s fiction/chick lit book, DIVORCING DWAYNE, will be stopping off at Muse Interrupted! Francine Harper’s in the Pickville Springs County Jail facing felony assault charges. Her offense? She shot at her husband, Dwayne, and his lover, Carla, after catching them together— in the very bed her daddy had carved and given to Francine and Dwayne on their wedding day. Even though she hit the bed and missed the lovers, she soon learns she’s committed a felony, and the deputy district attorney—who’s never been fond of her since she jilted his brother—is determined to prosecute her to the fullest extent of the law.

_______________________________________________

Marilyn Celeste Morris, author of the fictional novel, FORCES OF NATURE, will be stopping off at If Books Could Talk! What would happen when a bomber from the nearby Air Force base is flung by a fierce tornado into the county’s largest shopping mall? Begin the day with the mall manager, his assistant, the security officer and Howard the Weatherman, whose predictions are always uncannily accurate, and in this case, deadly.

_______________________________________________

Maria Murnane, author of the romantic comedy novel, PERFECT ON PAPER, will be stopping off at Scribe Vibe! When her fiance calls off their wedding at the last minute, Waverly Bryson wonders if her life will ever turn out the way she though it would…or should. Her high-powered job in sports PR? Not so perfect. Her relationship with her dad? Far from it. Her perfect marriage? Enough said. “Perfect on Paper” is a humorous tale of Waverly’s efforts to cobble the pieces of a broken yesterday into a brand new tomorrow. What does the future have in store for her? Will she finally find what she’s looking for?

______________________________________________

Robert Patterson, author of the nonfiction business book, FIVE STEPS TO C.A.L.M. (CAREER AND LIFE MANAGEMENT) will be stopping off at The Story Behind the Book! This set of instructions is a must read for the “career changer” and “job seeker” in any geographical area of the United States. Written by a veteran from the school of “real street knowledge.” The author has thought of everything in preparing you for the job search. He has included a website listing for those of you who want to do your job-hunting via the Internet. If you are willing to sacrifice anything to satisfy a limitless desire for knowledge, then C.A.L.M. is, without a doubt, the course of study for you.

_____________________________________________

William Petrick, author of the contemporary fiction novel, THE FIVE LOST DAYS, will be stopping off at American Chronicle! Struggling documentary producer Michael Burns has traveled to the remote Maya Mountains of Belize to capture exclusive footage of the last surviving curandero. The traditional Mayan healer may hold the key to discovering new medicines among the vast, uncharted flora of the rain forest. But with a violent civil war spilling across the border from neighboring Guatemala – and Burns inexplicably drawn to the aging curandero’s American apprentice – the filmmakers stumble into a more explosive story than they ever could have imagined. At once an adventure and an exploration into the nature of perception, THE FIVE LOST DAYS exposes the clash between modern culture and ancient beliefs.

_____________________________________________

Stanley Popovich, author of the self-help book, A LAYMAN’S GUIDE TO MANAGING FEAR USING PSYCHOLOGY, CHRISTIANITY AND NON-RESISTANT METHODS, will be stopping off at Book Excerpts from Bestselling Authors! An easy to read book that presents a general overview of techniques that are effective in managing persistent fears and anxieties. Stan has interviewed various professionals in the counseling field and has over 15 years of personal experience in dealing with fear and anxiety. Stan’s book addresses a wealth of successful techniques for the management of fear, anxiety, recovery, addiction, depression, stress and other mental health issues.

_____________________________________________

Marta Stephens, author of the crime mystery suspense novel, THE DEVIL CAN WAIT, will be stopping off at Rose and Thorn Reviews and The Dark Phantom! The city of Chandler, Massachusetts is plunged into terror when the bodies of three local teenagers wash ashore. While homicide detective Sam Harper hunts down the guilty, a sinister plot emerges overseas. From the Vatican to the jungles of South America, a cursed black pearl ring, the demonic prophecy it represents, and the men who pursue its powers find their unfortunate way onto Harper’s turf.

_____________________________________________

Steven Verrier, author of the novel, TOUGH LOVE TENDER HEART, will be stopping off at The Plot! Don Fisher, a 41-year-old misfit who craves love but has known little of it, lives alone on the outskirts of New York City in an apartment about the size of a squash court, where “during much of the time he was there Don could have sworn he was the ball.” Seeking a break from the northeastern cold, he catches a year-end flight to Caracas, Venezuela, where he lucks into a whirlwind encounter with Ana, a beautiful Colombian. After returning to New York, Don gets shocking news from Ana that leads to a marriage proposal and plans for Ana to join him permanently in the United States. What follows is a gripping account of the struggles this improbable couple face in dealing with the US immigration bureaucracy and in getting their relationship off the ground. Reminiscent of The Bridges of Madison County, TOUGH LOVE, TENDER HEART is a stirring, fast-flowing depiction of love trying to take root in an impossible situation, and a tale of unsurpassed relevance to our cross-cultural and post-9/11 age.

_______________________________________________

Virtual Blog Tour: Humor Writer Kelly Epperson V-Logs at The Writer's Life

pumpupyourbook — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 22:46:55 +0000

Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, WHEN LIFE STINKS IT’S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES, will b

WHEN LIFE STINKS by Kelly Epperson: "...there would be no book if not for the reader."

pumpupyourbook — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 01:33:01 +0000

Our guest blogger today is Kelly Epperson, author of the humor book, When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes.

You can visit her website at www.whenlifestinks.com.

When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a post-apocalypse intellectual vampire romance thriller. Umm… not really.

This slim paperback is a compilation of short essays – quick, easy to read, but stick with you. When Life Stinks is a collection of my weekly newspaper columns. I started my “slice of life” column in May 2001; I’m still at it and still love it.

I do all kinds of freelance writing and ghostwriting, but writing my column is my joy. It’s my opportunity to be me, to reflect on the silly and serious, and to connect with my readers. There would be no book if not for the readers. I was continually asked for a collection of columns in book form. I was flattered, but put it off.

Then I started ghostwriting books for other people. It was bizarre that the first book I ever wrote was for someone else. And I couldn’t talk about it. Because of ghostwriting confidentiality agreements, I can’t discuss (or brag about) the books I write.

For my own ego, and because I love my readers (I really do), it was time to put my book out there. The title was a random line from a column about my two sons and our leaning tower of laundry. The topics I address are universal so I‘ve been dubbed EveryWoman. (I want magic bracelets like Wonder Woman.)

When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is a great gift book. When Life Stinks appeals to men and women, and shockingly, teenagers. And there’s nary a vampire romance in this collection. Visit me at www.whenlifestinks.com (and sign up for weekly joy letter). Thanks for reading!

Virtual Book Tour: Interview with Humor Writer Kelly Epperson, Author of WHEN LIFE STINKS, IT'S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES

pumpupyourbook — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 21:47:00 +0000

For more info, please visit www.whenlifestinks.com.

Welcome to Beyond the Books, Kelly. Can you tell us whether you are published for the first time or multi-published? Can you give us the title(s) of your book(s)?

Thank you! When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes is the first book for me. I’ve been writing a weekly newspaper column since May 2001. I still write it every week, and I still love-love-love it. This book is a collection of those humor columns.

What was the name of your very first book regardless of whether it was published or not and, if not published, why?

That’s a sticky wicket for me. I never could have predicted that the very first book I would ever write would be for someone else.

I’m a ghostwriter as well as a columnist, a freelance writer, and a speaker. I do all kinds of writing jobs, big and small, but ghostwriting books has become a large chunk of my time and income.

Although I cannot say the title or author due to contract confidentiality, that first book was a wonderful accomplishment, on many levels. I learned that I could indeed write a book. I learned that my writing skills pleased editors and clients. I learned the thrill of making living as a writer.

I have ghostwritten several books in the last two years. Memoirs, business books, even fiction. However, the only book that is mine, mine, all mine, is When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes. It’s my first book that I ever wrote as me, and technically, it’s a cheater. It’s a collection of columns that I wrote over the years, not the great American novel that I spent years writing.

(I’ve got a novel in me too. Give me time!)

For your first published book, how many rejections did you go through before you either found a mainstream publisher, self-published it, or paid a vanity press to publish it?

I self-published. I didn’t try the mainstream route. I assumed automatic rejection and wanted to head it off at the pass. I worked with my writers’ guild and published locally.

How did the rejections make you feel and what did you do to overcome the blows?

Why did this chicken cross the road? To avoid rejection.

I didn’t pitch to agents or publishers. I can’t wallpaper my office with rejection letters. If one does not query, one cannot be rejected. The editor of my local group accepted me with a great big YES.

However, to overcome those moments when I get down on myself, I read emails and notes that I’ve received that pump me up: From the first ghost job I did when the editor said, “You nailed it” to comments from readers: “You are so special, beautiful, inspiring, and funny. Those are just a few of the things I think of when I read anything you write.” I printed that email and it’s taped to my computer.

Most writers have occasional self doubt. Remind yourself in whatever way that works for you that YES! You can do this! Send me an email and I will remind you. (kel_epperson@yahoo.com)

When your first book was published, who published it and why did you choose them?

When Life Stinks was published year end 2007. RWG Press is Rockford Writers Guild, my local writers group. I originally thought the book would be just for my regional readership, so that was all I needed. Now, I figure what the heck. Let’s see if people who don’t read my column every week like the little book.

How did it make you feel to become published for the first time and how did you celebrate?

It’s an internal satisfaction for me. Besides doing the happy dance in my kitchen, endless margaritas with friends is a fine celebration.

What was the first thing you did as for as promotion when you were published for the first time?

I’m finally getting around to promotion. J

If you had to do it over again, would you have chosen another route to be published?

There will be more books from me. I haven’t decided if I’ll self-publish, but I’m thinking that works.

Have you been published since then and how have you grown as an author?

I grow everyday. The more I write, the more I learn. When I read some of my old stuff, I still smile. Some of it stands the test of time and some of it reflects who I was at that moment in my life. A reader once told me, “You write best when you write from the heart.” As long as my heart’s still in it, I’ll do this forever.

Looking back since the early days when you were trying to get published, what do you think you could have done differently to speed things up? What kind of mistakes could you have avoided?

I think marketing and promotion have to be the number one priority. I am slow to the game there.

What has been the biggest accomplishment you have achieved since becoming published?

Jumping through the hoops to be accepted by Barnes & Noble was the first big thrill. When my contact, Tes, at Partners Book Distributors called me to say that they would carry my book, I cried. (I’m sappy in my old age.)

Another huge accomplishment for me is overcoming my fear of public speaking. Being a program speaker is now my joy! I have bookings into 2010. I am living proof that it is never too late to be what you might have been. And even chickens can become not-so-chicken.

If you could have chosen another profession, what would that profession be?

I did “other professions” – IRS agent, ESL instructor, office work, wife, mom, driver of mini van…….

I LOVE being Kelly Epperson, writer/speaker/listener (and bringer of joy). This is it for me! If you make me choose another profession, I would say I want to sing and dance on Broadway. But that’s fantasy – I can’t sing. And I am not kidding.

Would you give up being an author for that profession or have you combined the best of both worlds?

Being a writer/creator is my best world. Working from home, surrounded by things that bring me joy…. Pinch me! This is my midlife crisis career and a dream come true. I’ll give up Broadway to pursue this career. J

How do you see yourself in ten years?

Less writing for others, more writing my own stuff. I have launched a joy network (When Life Stinks, Find Joy!) and I plan to do more to be a source of encouragement to others. We all need a pat on the back, a kick in the butt, and stuff that makes us smile.

To sign up for my weekly happy mail, visit www.whenlifestinks.com.

I also have oodles of ideas bouncing in my head. I have started making cards and picture frames (with words of course). I have in the works some clothing ideas. I see lots of great things happening in the next ten years.

Any final words for writers who dream of being published one day?

From Winston Churchill:

Never give up.

When Life Stinks

frenchbreadkelly — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 00:31:41 +0000

When life stinks…

sit around and eat bon bons. Charlene Dupray of South’n France sent me bon bons! If Charlene and her hubby Pascal could send bon bons to everyone in the world, and we all took a bite simultaneously, there would be world peace. That’s how amazing these bon bons are.

Several years ago, Charlene brought an evening gown and her gumption to Paris with the goal of singing in a cabaret. She ended up meeting the man of her dreams, and now they have a French bon bon business. The lesson is: take a step toward your dream and the universe will reward you in spades.

If you take baby steps like me or leap like Charlene, it does not matter. The idea is to keep moving forward. At the end of the day, we only regret the things we didn’t do.

Sending you hugs, courage, and bon bons. Except I ate the bon bons. Here’s to world peace.

Words to ponder

Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.

~~Norman Vincent Peale

Joy rocks

frenchbreadkelly — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:30:55 +0000

literally. i did a joy workshop and gave everyone a rock with “joy” inscribed. my joy letters rock too. check out for quick fun. click for joy !

www.whenlifestinks.com

When Life Stinks....

frenchbreadkelly — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 03:21:19 +0000

I write.

I write about joy, the silly and the occasionally serious. It makes people smile. We all can use a smile.

(yeah, I’m a sap.) here’s the joy letters link. go for a giggle. xxkelly

see me at www.whenlifestinks.com

The days are short; make time for the good stuff

frenchbreadkelly — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:03:32 +0000

Have you ever bought a greeting card for yourself? I do all the time. If I like the quote or picture, it’s mine. I may scan and share with others via the almighty internet, but some cards are meant for keeping.

One that has priority viewing on my desk right now is a photo of a road with the fall trees forming a gorgeous leafy tunnel overhead, an arch of beauty. I stroll down that path in my mind when I need a break from deadlines.

The cover quote from John Burroughs also resonates with me: “I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.”

The days are short, and the older I get, even the years are short. The inside caption reads: May your birthday find you with all the time you need to enjoy all the things you love. (Card is “Moments” collection from Fravessi Greetings.)

Is there ever enough time to enjoy all that we love? The point is to make time for the things, and the people, we love. These words resonate with me more than usual this week as I reflect on the words spoken at a memorial service this weekend.

“We always thought we had time,” Patty said. Patty was one of my college roomies. Our junior year, a group of us girls moved out of the dorms and into a cool old house across the street from campus. So many memories are packed into that year and that house.

Pat’s boyfriend Dave became our roommate too that year. Pat and Dave got married, and welcomed twin girls a year later. They now also have an 8-year-old daughter, who was best pals with her daddy. Dave died in his sleep last week.

I realize that none of us are guaranteed a long life, but we sure operate under that assumption. We may all wish to die in our sleep, but not when we are in our 40’s.

Amidst the sorrow of the service, there was laughter. As Pat said, “Over the years we had our moments, but we laughed a lot. We laughed a lot.” The photos on the poster board brought back the good times of our college years and yeah, we laughed a lot then too.

That is my goal from here on out. I want to laugh. I want to make time for all the thoughts I want to think, the walks I want to take (some of those walks will take me out of the country), the books I want to read, and most importantly, the people I want to see.

Dave had made Pat a 20^th anniversary DVD of pictures and songs of their life together, and he gave copies to friends and family. I am so glad I have it. His silhouette dance number finale is classic fun. It reminds me to be myself, to do what I love, and make time for the things and people I love.

My wish for you today: Do something you love, read something you love, and share a moment with someone who makes you laugh. The days are short; make time for the good stuff.

{Join Kelly’s joy network (a weekly laugh) at www.kellyepperson.com. Contact: kel_epperson@yahoo.com or PO Box 23242 Loves Park IL 61131.}

The book cover=some French guy

frenchbreadkelly — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 06:43:03 +0000

When Life Stinks

frenchbreadkelly — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 05:49:36 +0000

Official “book blog.” I am such a virgin at this stuff. When Life Stinks is available at:

http://www.amazon.com/When-Life-Stinks-Time-Clothes/dp/0979663423/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1224398817&sr=1-1

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp?WRD=kelly+epperson

http://kellyepperson.com/photo_album.html

When Life Stinks

frenchbreadkelly — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 05:05:58 +0000

I’m having Pump Up Your Book Promotions do a blog tour or a virtual book tour for When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes. I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m learning a lot and that is my goal. To meet fun people and sell some books is a goal too. I also have to do 50 pushups this weekend. And jog for 20 minutes. Boot camp begins….. boot camp for sissies like me anyway.

When Life Stinks, Find Your Joy!

frenchbreadkelly — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 05:02:57 +0000

The weekly joy enewsletter is now archived online! Take a peek! http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs041/1102224453243/archive/1102287306940.html

thanks! i hope you find your joy.

In the Mailbox: WHEN LIFE STINKS, IT'S TIME TO WASH THE GYM CLOTHES by Kelly Epperson

pumpupyourbook — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:36:38 +0000

I have a new client over at Pump Up Your Book Promotion named Kelly Epperson. Kelly will be touring with her book, When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes, which is, as you guessed, a collection of humor stories. Actually, they’re from her columns she wrote over the years which she gathered the best of to put in this darling book.

I say darling because already I’m smitten. Man, I hate that. I went in with my serious face and I swore to myself I wasn’t going to laugh out loud unless it was really funny. Damn, page 13 was as far as I got when the LOL attack hit.

She writes, “I must admit that buying the Carpenters’ CD made me smile. I was banished to the bedroom to enjoy my new purchase. I cranked my boom box (okay, I guess one does not really “crank” the Carpenters), and surprisingly I remembered every word to songs I had long forgotten. I grabbed my hairbrush microphone to lip sync for my boys. They went scurrying for Daddy. ‘Help! Mom is acting weird!’”

I know the reason why I laughed. I could relate. If a reviewer (or reader) can instantly relate, you’ve gone past first base. I’ll be talking about Kelly’s book in future posts, but I’ll let you know if I hit a home run. Something tells me, she’s not going to let me down.

She Loved This Place

frenchbreadkelly — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 01:51:32 +0000

I went for a walk in the woods…

The forest is still. It’s peaceful. It welcomes me. Walking through the woods, no iPod in my ears, I listen to the sounds of the trees, and whatever is skittering through them. On past walks, I’ve seen deer, turkey, and the largest raccoon on the planet. I’m still not sure it was a raccoon; it was as big as a man, but he was on all fours in a raccoon suit.

Today I take the road toward the dam and the lake. I pass mommies with little ones in strollers and dogs on leashes. I see daddies with little boys fishing. I overhear bits of conversations. “This is my favorite rock.” “I can do it. One step at a time. One… two….” “Thanks, sweetie.”

The lake is waveless. A few fishing boats are out, but the faint breeze is not enough to beckon the sailboats. The water is sparkling and murmurs contentment. At the end of a tiny piece of land that protrudes into the water, I park myself on a bench.

It’s a gorgeous day. I could sit here for hours doing nothing more but contemplating the world and my place in it. In the cement under my feet, I notice a bronze plaque:

Kathryn ‘Katie’ Rubendall

1949 – 2002

She Loved This Place

She loved this place. I didn’t know Katie, but I know she died young and I know she had good taste. I love this place too. It feels right that I should be sitting on Katie’s bench, lost in my thoughts. I silently thank her loved ones for placing this bench in her memory.

I watch a little boat bobbing and floating along. I need time to float. Life gets hectic and frenzied. Sometimes the best thing to do is to allow ourselves time to float; to relax, to enjoy, and to reflect on what really matters. When we’re floating, we can soak it all in with a deep sigh of satisfaction and gratitude. When we’re floating, we can think about what we really want.

Floating has its purpose, but there is a need for speed as well. Sometimes we have to go full barrel, blazing ahead with a whoop and a rush of adrenaline. Taking chances, exploring, reveling in the sensations. Feeling giddy, feeling free, feeling the moment. That happens when we take the next step toward our dreams.

We can’t float forever and we can’t race all the time. The pace of life needs balance. Serene moments coupled with joyful thrills. If all we did was float, we would never experience the extraordinary high of new accomplishments.

Laughter erupts from the family fishing on the shore. Ducks are quacking. A few cars rumble slowly over the bridge. I hear them, but I want to linger a little longer in my meditation. The lake is still and peaceful. I feel welcome.

I know that even if I sit here for hours I will never understand the complexities of the universe and my place in it. But it is good for my soul to sit on Katie’s bench and enjoy the beautiful day, and beautiful life.

When I’m gone, there will be no specific place for my bronze plaque. I love a lot of places. I love a lot of people. I love this life. I don’t want to die young. When it comes my time to leave this earth, I hope that all of those whom I love can touch their hearts and know that it reads She Loved This Place.

Kelly can be reached at kel_epperson@yahoo.com and PO Box 2324, Loves Park, IL 61131. Kelly’s book, When Life Stinks, It’s Time to Wash the Gym Clothes, is available at Barnes & Noble, Borders, and www.whenlifestinks.com. For speaking engagements, please visit www.kellyepperson.com.