Driving home one day with the boys, Christopher kept rolling down the window and then rolling it right back up. I finally asked him why he kept rolling the window down and he said, “‘Cause I fart.”

At preschool, they list what the 3 and 4 year olds say they are thankful for. Doodles was thankful for his toys much like Pablo gave thanks for Clones last year.

I am thankful the school installed safety guards on the bathroom doors as Doodles had previously got his hand caught. It was pretty nasty. I almost passed out, too.

The four year olds were thankful for other things. Neither of our kids are represented on the long lists here, it’s just fun to read.

If you want presents, you gotta believe in the C.o.S. – Church of Santa.

And we’re thankful for good friends, food, beverages, and those who know how to share it.

Thanks for reading. I am especially thankful for comments, too.

Happy Thanksgiving. Take a moment to remember all you have and share with those that don’t.

Admittedly, this cartoon is more about the cat than the child, but it made a nice Thanksgiving edition!  The cat in question truly had never jumped on a counter before.  Yet, the words literally had not finished coming out of the girl’s mouth before the cat was spread eagle on the Thanksgiving turkey!

Happy Thanksgiving to all!  And a special Happy Thanksgiving to parents and other adults who are blessed to have a child / children in their lives!

Arloa Reston

For the first time today, I was able to single-handedly meet with all three of my reading groups and keep the other children independently working and on task.  And, the Assistant Principal walked in while I was meeting with one reading group.

My Frail Flower (a.k.a Hypochondriac who stated “her knees were sensitive today”) came up to me, gave me a waist high hug and said “I learn from you, Mrs. Woodbury, a lot!”  My heart melted at such a sweet moment.  Determined to make every moment count and teachable, if that is a word, I said, “Thank you so much for the compliment.  Do you know what a compliment is?”  My Frail Flower responded, “No.”  Classic!  I explained that it is when you say something nice about someone else.  She gave me a toothless, weak in the knees smile and I melted again…sigh.

Just received this “cover letter” from Taylor this afternoon. 10.2% unemployment? No….

Hi….My name is…

im a fast learner who is very effiecent and reliable. Im mostly looking for customer service work or dietary either one is fine wit me. Im not a picky worker, so any job field is fine because im easy to adapt to that position.

I’m also great wit grammar… pleaze hire me..

**Sidenote from Taylor: “PS when I went to send this almost every other word was flagged for misspelling.”

There are NO WORDS for this poor individual.

*****

My boss keeps a close eye on employee expenses. One time, while going through my  receipts, the boss asked who I’d taken to lunch on Saturday. Puzzled, I  asked for the restaurant’s name on the bill. “La Chaumiere, $193,” he replied. “Oh that,” I laughed. “I’m having sex  with your wife.”

                                                                                           –M. Bradley  (Submitted January 2004)

.

*****

I was working as a customer-service representative in a bank when a young man walked over and was staring at me intently. “May I help you?” I inquired. “Not this minute,” he replied. “I’m just checking out the goods.” Blushing furiously, I said, “I beg your pardon?” He then pulled out his gun and told me to shut the hell up and put my hands where he could see them. I was so embarrassed. I totally thought he was checking me out!

                                                                                          –Name Withheld (Submitted August 2000)

*****

I am part of a professional string quartet that often plays at schools. After one particularly exciting elementary school concert, I received a student’s letter of appreciation. He wrote: “Dear Mr. Pender, Thank you very much for coming to play for us.”

My last name isn’t Pender, it’s Penner!

                                                                                        –R. Pender (Submitted Dec.  2006)

*****

One day while at work, our friendly Receptionist, Doris, had put a bagel into the toaster and went to the washroom. Minutes later the fire alarm went off, and everyone evacuated. When we arrived outside, we realized that Doris was still in the building. Not long after the firefighters arrived, one came out with a burned bagel half in each hand. “I’m sorry,” he said. “We were unable to save Doris. She died from severe smoke inhalation before we arrived. But here’s her bagel!”

                                                                                             –J. Greenwood  (Submitted April 2005)

*****

I am a school bus driver and like to chat with the children as we wait for everyone to board. On the last day of school before the holidays, I asked one seven-year-old boy if he had any plans for the break. “Mind your own business, stupid-assed bitch” he replied.                                                       

                                                                                             –R. Schneider (Submitted November 2006)

*****

Our construction company often hires local laborers for out-of-town jobs. On a contract in northern Washington, we hired a guy who seemed to have an amazing ability to tell precisely the time of day. Whenever he was asked, he would look up, study the angle of the sun for a moment, then announce the exact time. Everyone was so impressed–until he  went blind and lost his job.

                                                                                                 –K. Nelson  (Submitted June 2003)

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My nephew Xander may still be a child, but he is already turning into quite the ladies man!  I’m not sure what his father has been teaching him, but I was able to witness his confidence with the women on a Chuck E Cheese outing.  I spotted a cute little girl in a T-shirt from his elementary school and asked if he knew her.  He got a devilish grin on his face and gave me a confident “Not yet…”  What a little flirt!

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With this comic, my younger nephew, Zereth (age 5) makes it onto the site.  One evening during my visit with my brother’s family, I was in the middle of my shower when I heard a tap-tap-tap on the door.  Then the doorknob began to rattle.  I hear this little voice saying “Aunty Lola, let me in!”  (Yes, they have trouble with the name Arloa as do many adults!).  His response when I told him I was in the shower had me giggling for days!  Children can be very tactful!

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In many families, parents tell their children that “shut up” is a bad word.  Yet with the constant noise and screaming that comes along with raising kids, mothers, fathers and other adults sometimes forget.  Of course, it only seems fair in the eyes of a child that everyone should be punished the same for the same crime!  Today’s cartoon is based on Arloa’s nephew, Xander, who overheard his mother say those naughty words… The twinkle in his eye and the glee in his voice were hysterical when he asked his daddy if his mommy was going to get a spanking on her bottom!  And boy was it was difficult for daddy to keep from laughing!

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Kids know what they want!  In this installment of The World According To Kids by Arloa Reston, a child on each coast answers the age old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”.  A six year old boy from New York and a six year old girl from Hollywood, California don’t miss a beat when answering–looks like boys and girls don’t change much when they grow up to be adults! All the comics on this site are based on real children and real stories.  This one is her friend’s son, Sean Taylor and a girl at a nail salon with her mother.

“The World According To Kids” is now live!

Check back every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday for a new comic based on real kids and the humorous things that come out of their mouths!

And, of course, if you are a mother, father, aunt, uncle, teacher, grandmother, grandfather, foster parent, or otherwise have a child or children in your life and you have a fun, true story about them, please email me.  And let me know whether or not you want your child/children to be credited or remain anonymous.

Thank you!

Arloa Reston

Kids really do listen to their parents, as The World According To Kids cartoonist, Arloa Reston, demonstrates in the first published cartoon for her new site.  All her cartoons are based on real children and real stories.  This one is based on her six year old nephew, Xander, and his mother, Lisa.  He truly pays attention to his mother when she talks about nutrition, health and fitness and the importance of a low carbohydrate diet!  How embarrassing when he loudly blurts out his newfound knowledge in the most inappropriate way!

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I Scream

Some other Cosby sweaters:

• …Damnedest Things
• Jello Puddingface
• Cliff Unstable
• Host Dad

(via Holy Taco)

CP was using his “I’m so cute” voice tonight to try and get out of going to bed. I said that he had to go when Master C chimed in saying, oh your strong willed. I would have let him stay up and play.”. I turned to CP and said,”Master C has a soft spot for you.” then CP asked, “what a sof spot? Oh, His butt?”

As I said previously, I have four children.  I will devote a post (or two, or three) to each of them, but today I wanted to tell a quick story about my middle two: Isabelle and Jack.

Isabelle - November 2009

Jack - September 2009

Isabelle is now almost 12 years old and Jack 10 1/2, but this incident actually happened around 8 years ago, before I had my youngest son, Cole.

Iz and Jack have always been very close.  They love and hate each other in equal parts, but they always played–and conspired, well together.  Iz was often the ring leader and Jack the gleeful follower.  She was always full of crazy ideas and I swear they planned with evil precision to keep me constantly going in opposite directions, trying to head off the antics of one, while the other was doing something else equally mischievous.

Don't let those innocents, beautiful faces, fool you

One day, I had to make a quick stop to the local Costco.  We *heart* Costco, by the way.  It’s a great store for a family of our size, plus they always have such cool stuff.  However, we also call it the $100 store, as you can never get out of there without dropping at least a hundred each time.

So that day, I realized after we entered the store, that I didn’t have enough cash to pay for whatever it was I was getting that day.  I had already put Iz and Jack in one of Costco’s supersize carts, the kind where you can seat two kids side by side in one cart.  I foolishly decided to save some time, and leave them in the cart on one side of the checkout area, while I went to the other side (where the atm machine was located) and withdraw some cash.  I was maybe 10 yards from them, and had a clear view of them the whole time.

Poor Jack, he never had much of a chance against Hurricane Isabelle

Naturally, the atm machine was slow that day.  I stood there, tapping my foot impatiently, while watching Iz and Jack happily giggling and talking to one another.  Suddenly, I notice that Iz is whispering something in Jack’s ear and he gets one of his famous “looks” on his face.  I realize with dread that the conspiring has begun and I can do nothing about it.

Why won’t this machine hurry up?  I think, as I helplessly watch Jack’s face screw up in concentration and let out in a loud, shrill voice: “DAMMIT!!” at the top of his lungs.  Ooooh. No.  Isabelle is giggling madly and clearly urging him to do it again.  I started madly flailing my arms in their direction, hoping to distract them, while desperately praying for the stupid atm to finally spit my money out already.  “DAMMIT!!!  DAMMIT!!!! DAAAAAAMMMIIIIIITTTTT!!!”  Jack and Iz are having way too much fun.  People are staring and looking disapprovingly at me and at them.  Oh, geez, seriously?  Could he be any louder?!   It was not a proud moment for me.  I swear (ahem, poor choice of words notwithstanding) that these guys didn’t use bad language.  But today, they were embracing this word and making sure everyone within a hundred feet heard them loud and clear.  Sigh.

Finally after much mental pleading with the atm, my money spits out and I am able to madly dash over to my kids and whisk them away from the checkout area.  Yes, I am THAT mom.  The one that can’t control her kids and looks harried, desperate, and like she can’t decide whether she wants to run away or put her kids in a fancy boarding school.

But years later, the story now makes me laugh.  That is until the next time they conspire against me.

The Kid next door was waiting for the elevator. I asked him where is he going. he says, ‘mera 7th floor friend’. I say, “terrace pe jayega na khelne ke liye” . he looked at me like i was an idiot and claims, “terrace uske bhi upar hain (7th floor). Itna bhi nahi malum tujhe? Aur terrace pe jaane ka button nahi hain lift main. Only 7 tak hain” (Don’t you know that the terrace is ABOVE the 7th floor. And besides, there is no button in the elevator for the terrace. Only till 7)

Image taken from – http://www.funzug.com/index.php/babies/choooo-chweeeeeet-kids-with-cute-emotions.html

Another situation where you may scratch your head:

I honestly don’t have a clue what this person is thinking?

I have a good friend who works in Recruiting. Daily she sends me these messages about people attempting to enter our job market. Recently, unemployment reached an all-time high in America at 10.2%. Well…with what it seems many Americans have to offer, I’m not really surprised. Pure hilarity…

*Please note — the name of this individual and other details about him/his life have been changed to conceal their privacy. However, this is NOT by personal choice.

Hi, my name is Al. I am 22 years old. I don’t want to brag, but I am without a doubt the best paladin tank on Madoran. I’m the Chancellor of the guild Utter Darkness (NOT udder). As Chancellor of Utter Darkness (NOT udder) I distribute justice, manage recruiting, schedule assaults on the horde (For the Alliance!!!), and plan all raids. We have accomplished multiple server firsts, most of which you have already heard about, and now that I conquered WoW, I’m on a burning crusade to accomplish my first with a lucky Azn lady.

I live in an underground apartment with an elderly couple. I have to assist them in day to day living by taking out the trash and doing the dishes. It’s possible that we will have to schedule our encounter around their sleeping habits.

To pay for my WoW expenses, I am an inventory management specialist at a large local retailer, but, I’m working on writing lore for an entertainment company and I’m sure my fanfiction will get me in. (I drew my profile picture too).

I’m looking for…Azns…kinda like the girl from Kill Bill – the one that was azn and wielded the sweet deadly yo-yo morning star. I would also be interested in any girl that looks, or sounds, like an azn…or Lucy Liu.

If you are looking for more information about me contact me in World of Warcraftor send me an email.

**Note from Taylor: In case you were wondering, yes that is a real cover letter.

Stay tuned…more like this to come.

No, I did NOT say that!

My friend, Jessica’s daughter figured out how to take photos with her iPhone. As Jessica scrolled through her phone’s photos, she found pictures of EVERYTHING going on in their house: Her daughter’s bedroom, the play room, home decorations, and and yes… a VERY candid shot of Jessica nursing her newborn baby. She tried to delete the photo but her daughter ran off with her phone saying,

Mommy, don’t worry. There’s NOOOOO nipple in the shot!”

– Kya, age 5

Editor’s Note:
Please spread the giggles by sharing your funny quotes with us!

No, I did NOT say that!

Mommy, in a few minutes I’m going to have a tantrum because Daddy cooked fish for dinner. And you know that I don’t like fish for dinner.”

– Grace, age 4

Editor’s Note:
Please spread the giggles by sharing your funny quotes with us!