In no particular order:

1. Seeing Jeff laugh uncontrollably
2. My parents’ support and encouragement.
3. Coffee Oreo ice cream.
4. The Quigley at Tommy’s
5. The joyful children of my friends
6. My friends S&A, with whom I could share wine, cheese and conversation every night
7. Lazy weekend mornings in bed
8. Camp Kamaji and the opportunity to spend my summer with all-girls in nature..learning to be me
9. Dark chocolate.
10. Aged Gouda
11. Photos of friends and family all over our house
12. Family vacations as a kid
13. Travel for work
14. Travel to see friends (sometimes combined and paid for by above)
15. My health
16. My parents’ health
17. Email
18. Jeff rubbing by back when it hurts (and often even when it doesn’t)
19. Our home
20. Pizza
21. Black tee shirt and jeans
22. My sexuality
23. My perfect black dress
24. Barack Obama
25. Random acts of kindness.
26. Memories of my three deceased grandparents
27. My engagement ring
28. MIT and alumni relations—finding happiness in the most unlikely places
29. Big, warm, heartfelt hugs.
30. Jumping into a swimming pool or body of water on a hot day
31. The Women’s Spirituality Group in college
32. Meeting my perfect partner
33. JAM- A friend of 26 years, who knows me, my family, and what makes me tick all too well
34. My physical and emotional safety
35. Big Thanksgiving with ALL sides of my family
36. Heat
37. Air conditioning
38. My camera
39. Dance
40. Seat belts
41. EDW- A woman who makes it so easy, and fun, to be her friend
42. A mother-in-law and father-in-law who raised an amazing man
43. Ladies Night
44. The red wall in my condo’s living room
45. Planned Parenthood and all the other fearless providers of women’s health
46. Mama- An amazing woman and a blessing to all of our lives
47. One-on-one time with close friends.
48. A quiet evening in with Jeff
49. Passover with my chosen family
50. Gay marriage
51. Belly laughs
52. The ocean
53. Ted Kennedy
54. WMC- Someone I met at a greasy spoon diner and became a lifelong treasured friend
55. A wonderful dinner out
56. A wonderful dinner in
57. Sex ed
58. SH- A friend of calm, love, and long voice mail messages when there can’t be a conversation.
59. Macalester College
60. Dishes, platters and other fun serving things
61. The New England Patriots
62. Facebook and the re-connections it enables
63. Self-esteem
64. Crying uncontrollably when you know there is someone right there to catch you
65. My education
66. Really crunchy and juicy apples and grapes
67. KL- A friend, mentor, and all around great woman
68. Being Jewish
69. My brother calling to say hi
70. TiVo
71. Gerber daisies
72. Having someone ask my opinion or confide in me
73. My wedding
74. Lists
75. A walk on a summer evening
76. Getting the mail
77. Financial security
78. Buying my condo all by myself
79. Birthdays
80. Health insurance
81. My long red hair
82. Finding a bargain
83. Feeling warm sun on my skin
84. Celebrating monthiversaries
85. Every moment I share with Jeff
86. Crime dramas on TV
87. Phone calls with loved ones
88. A bath
89. The smell of a campfire
90. Therapy
91. The Becky Chace Band
92. Co-parents
93. Having something to look forward to
94. Cold lemonade
95. Camping
96. Putting something together
97. Blue Bell (“our” cottage at the Inn at Cedar Falls)
98. Jeff ALMOST (fingers crossed) being a doctor
99. Living in the USA
100. Being me

And although it took me awhile to list 100…I know there are hundred more.

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Not a bird, just a girl. One day left.

So this morning I woke up and decided to eat a bowl of cereal and watch some TV.  Only to find that nothing was on- SURPRISE!  As I skimmed through the channel I saw that Nick Vujicic was on some christian statement.  And I said “oh my god, this can’t be good.”  So I decided to watch.  Like a car crash I just can’t turn away.

Vujicic was discussing how he found support in the christian god.  That he read John something or other about the blind man.  And no one could tell why this man was born blind but Jesus said that God was working in this man.  So Vujicic internalized this and said God was showing his power through him; though this man was born blind, he can achieve anything with the help of God.

This is paraphrasing, but at any rate my jaw DROPPED!  I always begin to question people who say that God has a plan and is putting them through this test.  First off that would mean that God put these problems on people, secondly I’m not sure which to acknowledge that God is testing their strength or parading around his awesomeness by helping them through their life.

At any rate, What would we do if a parent cut off the arms and legs of their child to show their power.  “Scream Child Abuse” replied my roommate, Brody’s Lover.

Exactly.  Brody’s lover then went to discuss the fact that Vujicic was ecstatic about converting people to Christianity through his talks in other countries, saying that always appear ethnocentric to hear.  I concur.

I’m not against those that follow christianity.  I think that many of them have a great heart.  I do however find their need to express a single truth for everyone a bit jarring.  But how do you confess that there is only one God without wanting everyone to see this ‘truth.’

I can safely say that I’m not entirely sure about my belief system but I will talk about one thing I think

NAMASTE

I’m sure there are multiple interpretations to the meaning of this word, and that seems to fit with yoga being so individualized/self-supporting.  From my experiences in Yoga with Kim at the YMCA i Hartville, I like to think about her attempt at explaining it:

The Light within me honors and shines with the Light within you.

Wonderful Kim

Kim is a wonderful woman who endowed me with knowledge during out time together.  I love her.  She is quirky and hysterical.  She promotes positive energy.  She has a sultry, raspy voice from singing in jazz clubs that is perfect for rest and relaxation time.  Kim was well on her way to becoming a professional(national?)  figure skater but fell once in a final round, and she is now livid that professionals fall all the time.  She once told me that:

Sometimes you have to be the Queen bee and there is no bad karma coming to you.

She also explained that Chocolate is an acquired taste that I will get when I’m older.  However, I still prefer Caramel.

Back to the Light

This definition provides acknowledgement and connection between two or more individuals.  And I agree that we should go together welcoming the differences and similarities between us.  I picture a flame with the light emanating from my hearts center touching and mixing with another individual.  The image freezes and our bodies are silhouettes as the frame zooms out showing the expansiveness that our energies flow.  And the lights are connected through an infinitesimal number of threads across.

EVANGELION

Neogensis Evangelion touches on the idea that our bodies are only tangible walls between our true selves.  That we chose to separate ourselves to create a me; without these bodies an I or you does not exist.

KNOW(TOUCH)ME(YOU)(MY/YOUR BODY)

I have had a less than spectacular experience finding my body conciousness.  I don’t wish to discuss those aspects at this point in time, but I do want to talk about a separation between self and body.  This is titled after an exercise done with Amanda, Erik, and Michael.  But it brings to mind what I feel my body is and are you really touching it.

I’ve noticed that my body feels bigger than me at multiple points in my life.  That it is this shell.  Which technically it is and the cavity hold the organs.  But I feel as if my thoughts and energy is moving this frame from the inside and trying to fill it out.  That the I is somehow hidden inside.

It creates this tension of being large and small at the same time.  My body is too big, dropping and sagging off of my actual being, but compared to the world I feel small.  It probably goes to explain why when I hug someone I say  that they are so tiny while they are probably bigger than me; their exisitance in my life is larger than their actual body size.

I noticed that when I’m dancing, like actually feeling it, that my body has finally been filled by this energy.  Sometimes, actually most of the time because I don’t control my energy that well yet, that it feels to be pouring out into the air particles around me.

It’s probably why I dance; feeling full without the calories of eating.

-EPF

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The site was shadows and hiding places. Piles of earth, heavy equipment, stores and holes.

“You’re quite sure he got away?” Kim asked.

The guards looked dubious in the dim light.

“Okay. If this gets into the papers, it will be only be in the comics.”

“Fair suck,” said one. “There was only the two of us. We couldn’t do a full search.”

“You didn’t think to follow him?”

“He was gone.”

“We were shooting at him,” said the other guard. “He just ran for his life.”

“You didn’t hit him, you didn’t follow him, you didn’t detain him. Now we’ve got a problem.” Kim indicated the skeleton with his torch. “And it’s not just this poor bloke.”

“Our job is to secure the site. We’re not the police to arrest intruders.”

“Didn’t stop you shooting at him like the police. Except you didn’t hit him.”

“Well, what would you bloody do? He was swinging a shovel at us!”

Kim spread his hands in a soothing gesture, keeping them well away from his own weapon. “Sorry. Okay. What’s done is past. Let’s do our jobs. I’ll stay here to secure the scene. You,” he indicated one guard, “go back to the gate. We’ll have reinforcements arriving soon, and they’ll need to be signed in. And you two with the big searchlights, make a patrol around the fence. If you see him, you can shoot the bastard. Or politely ask him to come to the gatehouse while we call the police.”

“So the police will be coming?”

“Not unless we need them. I’m an authorised Commonwealth officer and I’ll take responsibility for determining if any crime has occurred, or if we need police involvement.” Kim flicked his light over the excavation. “This looks like ancient history to me, and I’ll get a forensics investigator in at dawn tomorrow to give an expert opinion.”

Kim watched the guards trudge away. What he really wanted was a shovel. A true cover-up. Problem with a quick fix on a construction site was that another idiot with another shovel or a back-hoe would undoubtedly uncover the bones all over again. Besides, whoever the intruder was, he or she had been busily disinterring them.

The skeleton, or at least the parts he could see, looked old. Fossil rather than fresh. Maybe there was an elderly murderer out there mounting their own cover-up.

Kim fingered his weapon and looked around the site with fresh eyes. No, do the job properly.

His main task was to limit the damage. Restrict the people who knew. Then get the facts. Do some digging. If it was a murder, then the police would have to be involved. Find some cops who could keep their mouths shut as they checked back through missing persons reports from the 1850s or whatever.

He made some phone calls. Briefed CAS. Arranged for site access at dawn. When the two guards returned empty-handed from their patrol, apart from identifying the likely entry point, he got them to remove a tarpaulin from a nearby pile of stores, and together they spread it across the excavation, weighing it down at the corners with planks lifted from a pile of scaffolding materials.

A platoon of replacement guards arrived, drawn in from the standby list, and eventually the site was secured to his satisfaction. Double guard on the excavation, with strict instructions to leave the hazardous material undisturbed. Better there be a rumour of asbestos than a body.

And then, finally, home again.

Zoe was long since offline.

Lee was a huddled shape under layers of bedclothes as Kim carefully replaced his gun and ammunition, stripped off and changed into pyjamas. But she reacted strongly when Kim slid up against her.

“Oooh! You’re cold!”

“And you’re so warm!  You love me, right?”

“Mmmm.” She had to think about that.

And then she rolled over, facing him. “Things I do for you, dear!”

Dear. Oh well, he was doing very well for an icicle.

“Kim?”

“Yes, dear?”

“You weren’t at the office, were you?” She inhaled. “And you’ve been with someone who smokes.”

“Just doing stuff.”

“And you had your gun. Anything I need to know?”

“Nothing you need to know. Just thought it prudent – there was something came up I had to look into, and until I knew the facts, I wanted to make sure I was covered. As it turned out, I didn’t need to defend myself.” Except maybe from trigger-happy security lunks.

“I love you, but you speak a lot of crap sometimes, Kim.”

“Yeah. This is really need to know material. It’s my job.”

“And I’m your partner. If you put your life in danger, don’t you think I’m going to get worried? And don’t you think I hate being lied to?”

Kim held Lee tighter. “I’m not lying to you.”

“Lying beside me, yes. Lying by not telling me things I need to know as your partner?”

Kim paused. Paused too long.

“Kim, how can I ever trust you?”

“There was an incident at a secure location. Shots were fired at an intruder. I was asked to check it out. It’s dark, there was some violence, and the people acted in self-defence. Given the limited details I was given, I thought it best to be armed.”

“And…?”

“And the intruder got away. We didn’t see any blood trail, we couldn’t find anyone on or near the site.”

“And…?”

“And that’s all I can tell you. It’s not the sort of thing we want in the papers. Look, honey, I was never in any danger. Even if I hadn’t taken a gun, I was with armed officers every moment. People trained and alert.”

“But they missed your intruder.”

“They fired to scare him away. We don’t shoot to kill unless there’s an immediate and major threat to life. A terrorist with a bomb. A maniac with a machine-gun.”

“I thought you were just a clerk when we got together.”

“Well, I am. Mostly. I’m not James Bond. As far as I’m concerned, the enemy lives on Pirie Street in Fyshwick, and I’m not allowed to shoot the buggers.”

Lee moved against him. “Hey, are you sure you put your weapon away?”

Copyright © 2009 Peter Mackay

I’ve got to stop drawing birds. The turkey reminded me of family and the quail reminded me of California. And together they both reminded me of the “pet” magpie that my great grandfather had in a outdoor cage in Atascadero. When you walked along side the cage the bird would come close and whisper “I’ll get you.” It took me a few months to figure out that my great grandmother hated that bird and would periodically tell it so (in so many words, that is.)