5. Remove the Car Bomb-Transporter 2

I actually forgot why I even decided to see Transporter 2.  Never did see the first one, the second didn’t look great and I never saw the third either.  However, I did wind up seeing the film and it’s one that has disbelief written all over it.  One scene in particular, however, left me completely speechless at how bluntly unrealistic it was.  If you’ve seen the film, then you know that Statham’s car winds up having a bomb under it so what does he do?  He jumps off a ramp causing his car to spin around, the bottom of the car barely scrapes a crane hook that perfectly removes the bomb without issue and he still lands with little to no problem.  Normally I’d go into more detail, but I think watching the scene yourself should put it into perspective.

4. Refrigerator vs. Nuke-Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Indiana Jones films have always been a favorite of mine.  Though Temple of Doom was always my childhood favorite, the other two (of the original trilogy) have since grown on me and I actually enjoy Last Crusade the most.  So it goes without saying I was quite curious as to how good Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would be.  Unfortunately, it does not hold a flag to its predecessors and there’s one scene in particular that I whispered to myself “I do believe that this is the most unrealistic scene ever.”  Towards the beginning, Jones finds out that he’s in an area about to be nuked so what does he do?  He hides in a refrigerator.  And since this is shortly into the film with our hero’s life at stake he of course manages to survive with the fridge conveniently being the only object that gets blasted away and lands in tact.

3. Needle vs. Bullet to the Skin-Far Cry

Alright, just so everyone knows, I actually how not seen this film and I never intend to.  I shelled money out for an Uwe Boll film once before and I will never do so again.  But I saw a review for this film which went through the entire film and one part that stood out in an idiotic way was towards the beginning when the super soldiers are tested.  During this scene, we find that the mutated skin can essentially bounce bullets back like rubber but after things go out of control they manage to suppress it with a needle to the skin.  That’s right, the skin is impervious to bullets yet needles go in without an issue.  Figure that out on your own.

2. Spin Back Time-Superman

I’m going to shamelessly admit that I haven’t seen any of the original Superman films.  In fact, other than the most recent film, Superman Returns, all I’ve seen of Superman at all are gameplay videos of Superman on the N64 and him in the TV show Justice League.  So it should go without saying I know about this scene from someone who did a video on the film and the turned out to be one by Doug Walker aka the Nostalgia Critic.  The video was a Top 11 countdown of the dumbest Superman moments and at number one was when Superman turns the world back to reverse time.  Apparently causing the Earth’s rotation to reverse would be the key to spinning back time.  I guess I’d better build a really fast airplane to do this and bring me back to my high school days.

1. Every Scene-Batman & Robin

Even though this list is supposed to be for single scenes from a single film, Joel Schumacher’s hilariously bad sequel to Batman Forever (which he also directed) has so many impossible scenes packed in together that I really can’t think of any other film that hits quite as low.  I won’t state every one of the scenes but here’s just a few of them:  Schwarzenegger surviving water that’s 50 degrees below zero, his freeze gun landing on top of a curved statue perfectly like a magnet, Batgirl jumping off her motorcycle onto Robin’s…swamp-like machine for a few seconds to jump back on her bike which has managed to keep up with the Batmobile and Robin without falling over, the bathooks always managing to hit/grab surfaces strong enough to pull our heroes forward, Batman and Robin air surfing using doors as boards while casually heading back down to the ground, etc.  If a single movie can actually top the level of implausibility here, then I think we’re in trouble.

Aliens?? Seriously??

Yeah, I really didn’t know what to think about this movie when i got out of it, but it didn’t take me long to conclude that I didn’t like it. There were some parts where it felt like an Indiana Jones film, and others where it didn’t, but i can tell you that the over all storyline sure was not Indiana Jones, it really felt like something out of another movie.

I know Indy movies have a sense of silliness, but swinging like Tarzan with the monkeys?? The fridge?? And once i saw Roswell labeled on the container at the beginning, i said “Really? are they really going there??” Yup. They did.

I did like seeing Harrison Ford take up the old familiar character again and i did like that he did seem old and familiar. I liked the dialogue for the most part and Mutt has a dumb name to be sure (yes, Indy was named after the dog and now this guys name is mutt, we get it) but he was a decent new character.

But there were way too many things that bugged me. Was the shot of the Ark really necessary? We had already long figured out it was the same warehouse, it seemed patronizing more than anything else.

Anyway, I’m sure i have more to say, but I’m tired.

6/10

Over at Wired, there is a new article documenting huge plotholes in ten classic films. Some of them are fair, a few of them are not. One of them that is easily explainable is how Indiana Jones in Radiers of the Last Ark was able to ride the outside of a U-Boat (wrongly cited as a submarine) thousands of miles to a hidden Nazi base. The answer is the U-Boats only submerged under water to make an attack or to evade predators. They had standard diesel engines that required an air flow. They could only remain submerged for a short period of time.

The article also points out that in the Last Crusade, why would anyone care about the Nazis wanting the Holy Grail since they couldn’t remove the item from its temple. Taking the Grail past the Great Seal would destroy those that attempted it theft. Neither explanation can be considered concrete, but I feel they are satisfactory within the context of the films.

Moving on, there is a much larger plot hole that exists between the Last Crusade and the 4th entry into the series, The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. While I thought the 4th film was awful and I don’t personally accept the film as canon, there are many (under the age of 17 or over 50) that do. I still consider this saga a trilogy. Nonetheless, if we are to take the 4th entry as canon, a huge problem arises coming out of the conclusion of the 3rd film.

The one wise choice made during the pre-production of the 4th film (filmed 20 years after the 3rd film) was that Harrison Ford was 20 years older, in his 60s, and that no one would buy him playing a 40-year-old man like he did in the first three films set in the 1930s. A decision was made to have Indy be in his 50s/60s and set the film in the 1950s. Additionally, Sean Connery stated that he would not reprise his role as Dr. Henry Jones Sr..

Two problems arise from this. At the end of The Last Crusade, the Jones’ drink from the Holy Grail which grants immortality. How come Indy visibly looks 20 years older in the 4th film? He shouldn’t age after drinking from the Cup of Christ (so the legend says). Furthermore, Spielberg and Lucas made a conscious decision to show a picture of Connery’s character with Indy saying, “Dad had died”. I thought Dad was immortal? Wouldn’t have been better to ignore the character all together?

The second plot-hole is unforgivable and unneeded, but there was obviously nothing that could have been done to combat the first problem since the actor, Harrison Ford, is mortal, unless of course they didn’t make the film in the first place. Oh, yeah wait, that’s probably what they should have done.

LegoLyons has recreated several iconic movie posters over the past few months. You might have seen some of his work on Flickr, but I just stumbled onto it. He’s got all kinds of them from Jaws, to Batman, to Invaders from Mars.

I have to say that my favorite is the ET poster, although the movie scared the heck out of me when I was a kid! It was one of the first movies I remember going to at a drive-in theater. And yes, I’m old enough to remember when it originally came out!

I’ve seen three sci-fi movies in the last year or so that blend naturalism with spirituality.

Naturalism is basically the idea that all that exists is the physical (natural) world. Naturalism has implications for ethics, religion, international relations and a whole lot of other things.

Spirituality can refer to a number of things based on the context, but for our purposes, I mean it in a generic religious sense. Bland spirituality usually admits to being somewhat ignorant about who or what the higher power is. We feel like there is more to this world than meets the eye, but what that ‘more’ is we don’t know. It’s probably god or something like that, but who really knows?

Contact is the first movie I have in mind that blends naturalism with spirituality. It leans more toward the scientific naturalism side than the spiritual. It’s an odd thing, but atheist scientists sometimes report having religious-like experiences during their scientific pursuits. Elie has such an experience in the face of overwhelming beauty. By the end of the movie we discover that there are in fact higher beings, but they turn out to be aliens. Well, we knew that all along. But, what we discover is that there is no god. Life is hopelessly lonely, but at least we have each other. There is something more out there. The something more is us.

The second movie to blend naturalism with spirituality is the fourth installment of Indiana Jones. Prior to the fourth movie, you get the impression that religion is taken somewhat seriously. The trilogy embraces the stories of various religions. There are spiritual powers at work in the world and the relics that Jones is after are links between us and the spiritual world. But in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, we find out that the higher powers aren’t really spiritual at all; they’re aliens. Who saw that coming? It might have been one of the most disappointing endings ever! Yet, the academic influences in our culture take aliens seriously, at least in principle. Some have actually suggested that life on our planet got started through alien ‘seed.’ If there are higher powers in the universe then these powers are advanced life-forms from far away galaxies. Jones stumbled upon the truth that our culture embraces. There is no god that exists beyond our universe. It’s just us and some smarty pants aliens.

The third movie that blends naturalism and spirituality is Knowing. This movie is a little more intricate than the other three but I think it solidifies the idea that our culture likes to reach out for something more but has to admit that the something more can be nothing better than aliens. Christianity is the religion of choice in Knowing. John’s parents are Christian, and the God that he is mad at is the Christian God. The visual images are biblical (the picture that John sees on the wall of the cabin is the same one that Caleb is coloring; they’re images from the book of Ezekiel in the Old Testament).

When John is finally convinced that the prediction of the end of the world will come true he calls his Dad. Turns out that John is now ready to take the bible seriously. He tells his Dad that he believes the part of the bible that says some people have the gift of prophecy. He even embraces the fact that there is life beyond the grave; a tidbit that he struggles with throughout most of the movie. But who turns out to be behind the mystical stories of the bible and the recent gifts of prophecy? Aliens. But not just any aliens, ones that look like angles. That’s right folks all those angelic appearances turn out to be alien encounters.

So what have we seen here? You’ll notice that many in the academic world reject the idea that there is some kind of god beyond our universe. Yet those same academics and scientists have religious-like experiences while working on their projects. Like the scientists, we all seem to long for something bigger than ourselves. Hollywood knows we long for something more, I think they do too. They give us movie after movie that explores the deeper issues of life. One of the ideas that is taken seriously is naturalism. If naturalism is true then religion can’t be. If religion is not true then we need to explain how it came about. These movies try to answer that question. Religion came about through our longing for something more. Religion came about through alien encounters with a select few. However it happened, religion certainly can’t be true, because naturalism is. If god doesn’t exist then the only other possibility for higher beings is aliens.

Sorry to spoil the ending for you.

A 12,000 year old quartz crystal skull, which is believed to be an artifact from the Lost Continent of Atlantis, can heal the terminally ill.

So claimed Anna Mitchell-Hedges to Weekly World News, before her passing in 2007.

Many are familiar with crystal skulls from the most recent Indiana Jones films, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But few know they are based on a real artifact!

“This is truly a remarkable relic from a very ancient time in the world’s history,” said 81 year old Anna Mitchell-Hedges in 1993.

“It has absolutely incredible properties – properties for which, seemingly, there is no scientific explanation.

“In the more than half-century it’s been in my possession, time and time again I have watched in awe as the energy that apparently radiates from the skull has healed individuals who say they are terminally ill or permanently disabled.

“Among those who just want to touch the skull and meditate, some say they can feel its power surging right through their bodies – and they even catch glimpses of the future.”

The life-size skull, carved from quartz crystal, was discovered by Anna in 1921 while she and her adventurer father, F.A. Mitchell-Hedges, were excavating the ruins of the 1,500-year-old Mayan center of Lubaantun in Central America.

“I’ll never forget that magical moment when I first saw this awe-inspiring antique shimmering in the moonlight,” Anna said.

“I found it under a Mayan alter that had been covered by a collapsed wall. I was particularly struck by the fact that the lower jaw is movable. My father believed the Mayans may have used it as an oracle.”

However, he was also convinced that the Mayan hands had not fashioned the artifact, because such a detailed sculpture would require diamond tipped tools, since diamonds are the only material that can carve quartz crystal.

“And those kinds of tools just didn’t exist in that day and age,” Anna explained.

“Naturally, there are some skeptics who claim the skull is a fake,” she continued, “but scientists at the California labs of Hewlitt-Packard have estimated it’s about 12,000 years old.

“Now, the only advanced civilization we know of that may have existed that long ago is the fabled Lost Continent of Atlantis. This lost continent reportedly extended almost to the coast of Central America.”

After Ms. Mitchell-Hedges passed away in 2007, her friend Bill Homann inherited the skull. This past April,  the Smithsonian Institution examined it and also established it was made with tools the Mayans did not have. However, this led to their conclusion that it was made in late 1800s, rather than by a much earlier civilization.

There are additional theories about the skull, most prominently that they were either created by aliens or an ancient culture was shown how to create them by aliens.

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, a proponent of ancient alien contact, discusses his take on the crystal skulls:

Bill Homann remains convinced of its authenticity. He is committed to building a museum in honor of the Mitchell-Hedges in Sedona, Arizona.

Sorry if this seems late, but I don’t have the budget to watch movies in the theaters. When I had Netflix, I had a backlog of old movies and TV shows to watch and didn’t really have much time to watch the new releases.

That being said, I finally got to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull this past weekend.

What I liked: The action sequences weren’t bad. Harrison Ford still has the physical agility to play Indiana Jones. Karen Allen was pretty nice in her return to the series. I laughed a lot when Jones, realizing the young punk is his son, abruptly changes his tune and tells the kid (whom he had said to do what he enjoyed in life) that he would finish school. Cate Blanchett, who’s Australian, did a marvelous job with the Russian accent (she’s one of those rare actors, like Gary Oldman, who can do practically any accent flawlessly). The story was fairly interesting, involving a language that hadn’t been spoken in millennia. And, of course, when Dr. Jones is given his last words to say before the Russians’ aborted execution of him, he replies: “I like Ike.” I also liked the Ark of the Covenant’s* cameo appearance.

What I didn’t like: While the science-fiction lover in me didn’t exactly mind the whole idea of alien beings, the movie just seemed flat at its climax. The first three were an adrenaline rush with the showdown as the Ark was opened, the final bridge sequence and the choosing of the right cup. Yes, it was nice seeing Indy and Marion finally get married, but overall I kept wondering why there was a need for a new installment. And, I felt the title was too wordy. Why not Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull instead?

Overall, an interesting film, but I still liked the earlier ones better.

* Personally, I believe the Ark is in heaven, according to what Revelation 11:19 says.

While my favorite news regarding Russia in the past few years has been the Russian Communist Party’s boycott of that godawful Lucas/Spielberg crapfest, “The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” (but not because it was awful, just because it misrepresented Communists — though, it must be said, the Soviet Union has a grand history of misrepresenting Communist ideals), there has also been slightly more serious issues regarding Palin’s neighbors. Namely, the government seems to be turning back into the Soviet Union — except minus the semi-socialism thing they had going on there and plus all that crazy stuff their government used to pull (Note the irony of that link). Yep, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev (hint — click on the link for a fun surprise… or something that won’t surprise you at all) has proven there’s still some insanity left in the Russian government. 

But that really shouldn’t surprise you all that much. I mean, look at how many sources are cited after this single sentence from the Vladimir Putin Wikipedia page:

“Corruption under Putin has increased and assumed “systemic and institutionalised form”, according to a report by Boris Nemtsov as well as other sources.^{[21][22][23][24][25][26]“} 

(That’s 6 sources, by the way)

Yep. Then take this quote from a 2005 article entitled, “Russia: Bribery Thriving Under Putin, According To New Report“:

Yulia Latynina, a prominent journalist who has investigated crime and corruption, says there is currently no political will to fight corruption. The government itself, she says, is corrupt from top to bottom.

Hmm. Well, it’s a good thing we have investigative journalists like Ms. Latynina there to keep the government honest. As the traditional thought process goes, journalists act as watchdogs of the government, ensuring accountability and informing the public (although we here in America know that things like TV journalism are more about the dollars and the entertainment, and less about the quality). There is correlation between the regime type and the freedom of the media. For instance, China and North Korea have levels of control over their media, as opposed to the more free media of America. In fact, the founding fathers of America saw journalism as so vital to democracy, that they sought to protect it in the First Amendment. Thomas Jefferson even said:

“The basis of our governments being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. But I should mean that every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them.”

Yay journalists, being allowed to protect freedoms everywhere. Except, apparently, in Russia. Russia is the third-most dangerous country for reporters, according to the “Committee to Protect Journalists“. The first is Iraq, and the second is Algeria. 

Anyway, to get to the point of this blog entry, I keep hearing about journalists in Russia being killed. First, I heard from the Al Jazeera Listening Post podcast from 5/4/09 entitled “Obama’s first 100 days / the media murders in Russia”. It’s free on iTunes, so give it a listen. Then today I read another article on NYTimes.com about a Russian reporter named Sergei Kanev who is “A specialist in police corruption and organized crime, he crosses powerful people and half expects to be killed for it.” 

Mr. Kanev’s undergone some horrifying things during (and because of) his career as an investigative journalist who is critical of the government and works to reveal corruption. “Mr. Kanev learned about risks early in his career, when six thugs from Zelenograd tied him to a chair with speaker wire and pressed a scalding iron to his chest, demanding he surrender a videotape.” In contrast to this, Bill O’Reilly complained about being ‘libeled’ the other week (even though he wasn’t).

Mr. Kanev isn’t the only journalist to be persecuted for pursuing justice. Check out this Wikipedia list of journalists killed in Russia (conversely, download the full list from the “Committee to Protect Journalists” webpage of journalists around the world killed since 1992 and search for those in Russia).

Ms. Latynina, who I mentioned earlier, also shows up in the article about Mr. Kanev, saying:

“The most dangerous thing right now is not to criticize the authorities. It’s to criticize people who can kill you. The people Kanev writes about can kill. That is his problem.”

The Russian government and police force have sent a clear message that they don’t care what is happening and will not further investigate journalist deaths. This is not only dangerous for the journalists, but for the Russian people as well. As I’ve said, in acting as a watchdog and revealing truths, whether they be about corruption or other illegal activities, journalists ensure accountability. Especially now, as the Russian government (and by Russian government, I mean Vladimir Putin) seems to be moving toward a new USSR, journalists are a necessity, to help keep its (his) power in check. Journalists there can help bring needed reform to the corrupt government and police forces, but something must be done to protect journalists, instead of having a police force that will stand by and allow such offenses to occur consequence-free, and in doing so discourage people from becoming journalists. With a stranglehold on one of the main vehicles of democracy, the Russian government effectively is given a free pass.

Look out Diddy, Dan Aykroyd is coming for Ciroc!

This will probaby be the vodka for me though because as a child I too had a fascination with the invisible world.  Also that shit is filtered through diamonds.  Click on the pic above or watch the video below to see Aykroyd’s full pitch.  It’s pretty amazing.  He blows Billy Mays and Vince Shlomi out of the water.

VERDICT:
2/10 Nuked Fridges

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is arguably the worst movie of 2008 and it currently holds the record for being the only time that I’ve ever felt bad about someone else paying for my movie ticket.

The movie follows Dr. Jones as he goes off to uncover a new archaeological discovery, only to end up finding an alien UFO while fighting off Nazis. Yup, that’s what it’s about.

Okay, here’s a short list of my grievances against this horrible, horrible disappointment of a movie:

- Shia Lebouf is in it…as Indy’s bastard son.

- Shia Lebouf swinging on vines with dozens of wild monkeys like a bizarro mixture of Tarzan and the Fonz.

- Shia Lebouf having a sword fight with head nazi Cate Blanchett…across two cars moving at full speed.

- Mutant fire ants.

- Aliens.

To add insult to injury, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has none of the signature charm or wit of the first three movies, not even in the character of Indiana Jones. By some horrible twist of fate, Indiana Jones has turned into a boring old fart who has completely lost his sense of humor. And unfortunately, the writers aren’t entirely at fault for this either. Harrison Ford is the man and he always will be, but someone needs to send him the memo to stop doing action movies. It’s been 12 years since Air Force One and you’re not getting any more limber, Har. Time to pass the torch.

Another one of the big things that made the original trilogy so much fun was that they didn’t rely on special effects to keep the audience amazed. It was just Indy whipping shit, running from boulders, and avoiding snakes. It wasn’t exactly fancy or high-tech, but it was great and it was suspenseful as hell. Even though they’re pretty and everything, all the special effects in Crystal Skull ultimately just take away from what made Indiana Jones so believable and exciting to begin with.

With all that aside, you can blame the writers for almost everything else. The dialogue is pathetic, the actors deliver their lines with a “Why am I doing this to my career?” demeanor, the plot is a shitty mess, and the whole thing is just boring. I’m not placing a whole lot of blame on Spielberg here, because he’s also the man, but he should have known when to say when.

I could go on, but you get the idea. Go watch the first three Indy movies instead if you haven’t seen them already. I hope to God that this has been enough to turn you away from seeing this bag of crap.

Much like a summer blockbuster, first dates tended to be built up to ridiculous amounts of hype. Your first conversation is the trailer. It’s filled with with witty banter, and hints of the pretty smile and infectious laugh. It’s just enough to catch your attention, reeling you in for hours of potential. Unfortunately, all the flash and dazzle of a pretty dress and even more scintillating smile, you could be left feeling the night was a shallow, empty experience. Leaving you wondering how something so beautiful can leave you with such a hollow feeling. 

We tend to build first dates up, at least the most optimistic of us do, because they are filled with promise. Promise of a new relationship, a new partner in crime, a new experience. Sure, not all of these experiences are good, and odds are that you are going to end up with more horror stories then success stories about first dates. Just like those summer blockbusters, they more often then not will not be great, epic experiences. 

Of course, the problem with hyping up a first date is that you aren’t being realistic in your expectations. Like I said, most first dates suck. Either they’ll spend all night talking about their ex or texting on their phone. We all want to hope or the best, but after many, many a date where I’m sick of the girl by the end of the night, I’ve learned it’s better to go in not expecting a lot and to be pleasantly surprised then to build it up or the inevitable let down. We all want to get Raiders of the Lost Ark, not Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And those bad first dates, they only really make you that much more amazed at the awesomely epic ones.

2008 was nowhere near as stellar a year for movies as 2007, but any year without There Will Be Blood, No Country, Michael Clayton, The Mist and a new Ghost in the Shell movie will suffer.

BUT. 2008 was one helluva year for genre film. Probably the best since 1999 or 1982. Those years gave us The Matrix, Iron Giant, Blade Runner, Wrath of Khan… y’know. Classics. 2008 has some serious future classics as well.

First let’s go backwards. The worst of the lot:

Worst Movies:

Rambo - In my review I wondered if I would ever warm up to this big stupid, bloody gore-stravaganza. I’ve liked dumber movies. And well, I kinda did warm up to it. Not a whole lot, mind you! It’s no great piece of art by any means but it’s worth seeing for… for… for the carnage. Yes. That’s it. It’s almost… cathartic? Is that cliche? Well, then, it fits. For a movie so full of cliche – bad guys kill good people, good guys kill bad guys – it executes every single one of them visceral aplomb. Recently, in the comments section I defend Stallone as someone who knows exactly how to pander to a sick, depraved audience. Genius or not, he knows what he’s doing. Just look at who he’s casting in his next movie, The Expendables. Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Forest Whitaker, Jason Statham, Jet Li, ARNOLD … Bastard’s got my money again.

Quantum of Solace – I warmed up to Rambo’s idiocy, but I grew even colder towards James Bond’s latest escapade. I actively hate Quantum of Solace more and more with each passing day, my thoughts coalescing into a ball of climactic hotel-destroying fury. A misfire in every possible way. Dull villain, wafer-thin plot, pointless Bond girls – a boring Bond. Way to squander that reboot, fellas. Can’t believe ya did, but ya did. At least there’s still Bourne.

Pineapple Express – Hey, we got a weekend, some weed and woods in the backyard. Let’s make a movie!

Harold and Kumar 2 – Poop poop poop poop poop poop outdated George Bush jokes poop poop poop poop poop celebrity cameo poop poop poop poop poop. $10.75 please.

Transporter 3 – Armond White, controversial New York Press critic, called this a better movie than The Dark Knight. While I appreciate his willingness to raise action movies to “kinetic art” that sentiment’s sailed about a million years ago. Ever hear of The Matrix, Armond? Hard-boiled? Damn, the first or second Transpoter? Transporter 3 is cold leftovers. An action movie made up of ideas cut out of other lesser action movies. The action itself is bland, the camerawork is all over the place and the main characters are so annoying you’re rooting for their demise. Oh, a good story always helps. I’ll sum it up: The bad guy wants Jason Statham to deliver a girl somewhere. Where? Back to the bad guy. Thanks, I just lost $11 and an hour and a half.

Eagle Eye – Holy fuck. Where to begin? Shia LeBeouf, I guess. The bane of my existence. There are thousands of young, struggling actors out there and this is who we get to see jump from explosions every summer from now on. Grrrrrreeeeaaat. But y’know, even without Shia this movie’s a terrible wreck. With nary a clever trick or twist to be found, the story’s dumb as hell. It’s another conspiracy/surveillance yarn about how dangerous technology is with Hal’s stupid orange cousin for a villain. It’s Enemy of the State by way of Disturbia, and it’s more retarded than either. Like, things – important things to the plot – are flat-out impossible, and anybody with a 4th grade education can tell you that. I mean, for god’s sake, that whole thing with the children’s band and the State of the Union address? I had to uninstall all the gas from my house just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating that. And it took FOUR writers to put this bullshit to screen. Unfuckingbelievable. And now I’m freezing. Brrrr.

Hancock - Holy DOUBLE fuck. Where to BEGIN? Will Smith, Peter Berg … you crafted one of the shittiest things I’ve ever laid eyes on. Congratulations. Hancock doesn’t quite reach Ultraviolet levels of Pure Unfathomable Bullfuck but nevertheless, it is a contemptible, mean-spirited, monumentally fucking stupid waste of film. Based on an idea that’s been floating around – apparently since Superman 3 came out – about a drunken superhero nobody likes, Hancock manages to wring out absolutely nothing funny about the premise. Will Smith flies around with the camera going crazy around him, picking up SUVs with racist stereotypes in them with “MOVE BITCH” blaring in the soundtrack. That’s the first five minutes of the movie. Right away I knew I was done with it, but no. It kept going. Then he meets Jason Bateman, he goes to jail, meets Charlize Theron and — and who CARES? I can’t believe this movie went beyond the pitch stage.

Indiana Jones 4 – Holy TRIPLE fuck. Where the FUCK. To BEGIN? … Y’know what, forget it. I said all I had to say about and everyone (except Armond White) knows it sucks. Let’s leave it to rot.

Best Movies.

8. Funny Games – An English-language copy of the original but still timely and excellent.

7. Wanted – An odd selection after Funny Games. It’s stupid, ridiculous, incredibly over-the-top cartoon action, and loads of wanton violence. And it’s tons of fun. It shares a lot of similarities with The Matrix. A wimpy protagonist goes through an eye-opening training regimen with a bodacious babe and an old, wise black guy. He learns to be an assassin just like his dearly departed dad, while getting tangled up in some hokey embroidery cult thing with rats that love peanut butter and cars that can leap off of lopsided buses… it’s nuts, and goofy and great. Like a live-action FLCL.

6. Cloverfield - Though I whale on it a bit in my original review, Cloverfield really holds up on repeated viewings. On DVD. In the home. So I sweeted up on it a lot. The theater experience – the sound, the crowd, the dark – is the optimum way to see it of course, but the horror genre did well by Cloverfield this past year. It’s smart, fun, sad, stylish, cool. Here come the copycats.

5. The Wrestler – Mickey Rourke carries this movie on his ugly, scarred shoulders. He’s a sad, lonely guy stuck in 80s nostalgia – a guy I can really get behind. He may be the perfect representation of an average joe I’ve seen on screen in a while. When was the last time you saw a movie that argued the worth of the guy behind the cold cuts counter at the supermarket? And the fight scenes … man. It’s bloody, violent stuff and it looks reeeeaaaal. It’s tough to watch. Marisa Tomei is adorable as expected, the writing’s solid and only pockmark on the movie (besides the ones covering Rourke’s frame) that I can think of is Evan Rachel Wood as his daughter. They’re important scenes for sure, but I dunno… something about Wood crying over and over. Made me long for a fast-forward button or at least mute. Can’t wait for Aranofsky’s Robocop reboot.

4. Iron Man – The sunniest superhero of the year, and second best sci-fi movie of the year. Mecha suit, gooooo~

3. Wall-E – Adorable, sweet, modern, sleek… Best sci-fi movie of the year. Best romance movie of the year. When Wall-E takes EVE back to his little hovel to impress her with his collection? The Hello Dolly bits? How he protects her from the elements?! Too good! All the little touches… the little history art in the credits was inspired.

2. Speed Racer – Best movie of the year that wasn’t Dark Knight. Mora nails everything I love about the movie in his review. Michael Giacchino’s music, the earnest (perfect!) acting, the reverence (and one-upping!) of the original material … I didn’t think much of it when I first saw it. Then I thought about it. “Whoa, did I love that movie?” Then saw it again in IMAX. Now it won’t leave the DVD player. This movie… is destined for cult status. In some circles it has already achieved it somewhat. Spread the word. You’ve got to be a ghoul to dislike it.

1. The Dark Knight – Ended up seeing it four times in theaters. I don’t think I will (or need to) see it again for a while. It’s everything you’ve read about. It’s popular because, would you believe it, it is that good. hard to believe a movie about Batman already made its mark in cultural history. Ten years ago he was flashing his Bat credit card in a neon-painted Turkish bath. I’d be satisfied if we never get another Batman movie again. Dark Knight is that good.

Best Video Games:

10. Chrono Trigger DS – Best game ever portable? Yes, please.

9. Metal Gear Solid 4 - Cripes, what’s left to say. The game’s a nutjob. A fun, frustrating, conniving freak. Is it a game? Is it a movie? Is it just nanomachines? Yeah, yeah, and … yeah. Snake’s final adventure is worth it, but only if you’ve Multiplayer is fun if you like getting capped a second into joining a game.

8. Grand Theft Auto 4 – At times one of the more frustrating games of the year (. Fun multiplayer – turns Liberty City is more fun with friends. Turns into playground.

7. Mirror’s Edge – Based on Mora’s review I didn’t expect to like this very much… then I ended up blasting through it in two sittings. I found it quite nice! A breath of fresh air. Portal-esque in its design philosophy (navigate the environment… many, many times because of death) though not nearly as smart in the narrative department. That department is pretty bare actually. Everything else is aces. Refreshing style, cool setpieces, lovely soundtrack. Too bad it’s about $20 too expensive.

6. Super Smash Bros. Brawl – As much a Nintendo museum as it is a fun-as-hell party game. Favorite characters, tons of content, endless replay value provided as you got pals not soured on the admittedly random nature of the experience. Nintendo fucked up the online features but that’s what Nintendo does.

5. Persona 3: FES - BABY BABY BABY BABY. Now THIS is a breath of fresh air! It spins everything about Japanese RPGs on its head. Instead of traveling through the globe, you stay in the same location the whole game and go through all the social trials of a Japanese school year. You make friends, navigate the social strata as well as the mysterious monster-infested labyrinth your school turns into at night. The colors pop, combat is fast and fun, the characters charm, and the game’s eating hours and hours of my time. I love it.

4. The World Ends With You – All signs pointed to my despising this game. A Square game spearheaded by Tetsuya Nomura, developed by the Kingdom hearts/Crisis Core team, an emo jerk main character with amnesia, an overcomplicated fashion (?!) equipment system – it had all the signs of a piece of junk. Instead, it’s the best thing to ever happen to the DS since, WELL, Phoenix Wright I guess! Finding new pins and trying out their abilities is a blast. You scratch the touch screen, poke, prod, sweep, blow into the mic … you can even set your DS on “mingle” mode to pick up outside Wi-Fi signals that will give you experience points. There’s tons more to the game too, including a New Game + mode that breaks the game up into easy-to-digest individual chapters. Square’s best effort since FF12.

3. Mega Man 9 – Pixel perfect nostalgia. The best Mega Man in yeeeaaars, a game I’ll revisit even more than the earlier titles. Take note, developers (cough, Sonic Team). This is how it’s done.

2. Gears of War 2 – Mm-mm-mmm. Everything great about the first game gets retooled and improved. Horde mode is brilliant. It’s like a contemporary Space Invaders, with four other buddies. Waves and waves of alien locust bombard you with everything they’ve got. It’s tense, sweaty, bromantic fun. Story makes little to no sense (why do they go to that secret lab and what exactly was the point of it?) and some game-breaking glitches show up online (fucking lag, man) but this is the best console game of the generation so far. It’s only competitor is…

1. Left 4 Dead – Wow. Wooowww. Wasn’t too hot on the demo, but the full version of Left4Dead is… infectious! It strips everything down – 4 players with only a couple of weapons, a few campaign maps… yet every playthrough, depending on who you play with, on what difficulty, how well you manage teamwork and resources – it’s done so, so, so well.

Remember this?

Well, actually yesterday was the 18th birthday of the song Voices That Care, and it is quite the time capsule.  Made originally to raise money for the Red Cross during Operation Desert Storm, it has now, well, let’s reflect on the highlights:

• Gotta love the flag opening.  Reminds me of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crap.  Unfortunately.
• Celine Dion was just a baby.  I wonder if her creepy-old-manager/husband-to-be was tapping that yet.  (Also, she has kind of that Amy Grant vibe going.  Much better than the future Vegas chest thumping.)
• Peter Cetera!  Why isn’t he making music anymore?  Am I the only one that wonders where he went?  (Maybe he’s hanging out with Steve Perry.)
• See Bobby Brown.  See Bobby Brown sing.  See Bobby Brown not get high and smack a ho.
• Is that dude in the cowboy hat from Warrant?  Yes.  Yes, he is.
• Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson’s singing voices mesh perfectly with Luther Vandross.  (Actually, all the sports stars have wonderful pipes.)
• Who’s singing with Garth Brooks – Amy Grant or Celine Dion?  Was hair really that big back then?
• BONUS: More Warrant!  Nope.  It’s just Nelson.  Why is everyone wearing cowboy hats, yet Garth Brooks did not (a true rarity)?
• Michael Bolton was pretty good in Office Space, doncha think?
• Will Smith even got to rap.  That tickles my soul.  Isn’t it weird he got his start “rapping,” but now it seems weird to see him rap?
• One good thing about the arrival of CGI – no more neon coloring on B&W footage (hopefully).
• The Chorus.  You gotta love the Chorus.  I can’t even begin to dive into the Chorus.  All I have to say is this: Michelle Pfeiffer AND Jon Lovitz.  No?  Fred Savage AND Meryl Streep?  Not enough?  Gary Busey AND Chevy Chase?  Yes.  That awesome. 
• Wait was Mike Tyson’s arm around Debbie Gibson?  (She was my first concert – at the Sea World in Orlando.)

In my research, I stumbled on this must-see Where Are They Now video.  Check it out.

I must admit, I am now addicted to Twitter. No, I don’t post on the said

micro-blogging site every minute, but would now normally check out the site for accounts that will help update me on some topics.

Take the case of the Grammys, since I’ve already started my countdown to the awards show, I decided to check if there is a Grammy Awards Twitter. I found this:

Now I know what I should look forward to on the 8th.

Recently, I’ve managed to follow some people I admire (musicians, authors, etc).  Here are a few (had to find out, though if the real person does the Tweets):

Of course there’s John Mayer

David Ryan Harris
So there was a small Tweet exchange between JM and DRH.

Dave Matthews

Last night, some little devil in me told me to find out if there are fictional Twitters, and — by golly! — I found really interesting ones!

Roger Sterling, who is part of a Role Playing Activity with other characters of Mad Men.

She-Ra: Princess of Power, whose opinions nowadays are far more “open” as compared to the cartoon series I watched when I was a kid.

Indiana Jones, posting about his website, his most recent “documentary” — it’s actually the movie “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” — his father, his fear of snakes, his crush on Lara Croft
and his bag.

Kermit the Frog, who only had a few posts (maybe he’s having a hard time typing using his frog legs – hehe, HEY IT WAS FUNNY).

and MacGyver, who would disappear for months because Phoenix Foundation puts him on “assignment”.

(I don’t follow the Tweets of the fake characters as I don’t want to clog up my TwitterFox, but visiting their sites would be a great de-stressing technique once in a while.)

Anyway, there are still a lot of interesting profiles at Twitter, and I’m sure, if you have an account, you’ll be able to find Tweets that would satisfy your need for additional entertainment.

Top 5 Things to Forget About 2008

5.  Britney’s Comeback

I like big butts and I cannot lie, but seriously you're taking the piss

I think the world was a slightly more interesting, and also morally superior place, when Britney was the laughing stock of celebrity culture, barred from seeing her kids, in rehab for alcohol, depression and anger pretty much simultaneously and with her career obliterated into teeny tiny little shards of despair.

But no, to get her career back, they just hauled her into a studio, got her to sing a dozen terrible, generic songs written on the backs of beermats by the pop music industries song writing sweatshop – a conglomerate full of one hit wonders, washed up songwriters from previous decades, and anyone and everyone else the music industry has consumed, prostituted and spat out into a pit of boiling oil and the body fluids of the EMI, Warner, Sony and Universal senior boards.

I fucking hate the music industry.

Anyway, Britney came back, but she might as well have not bothered. Although the world unfortunately contains enough idiots to automatically buy things just because of someones face being plastered on it, such things are inevitable. But let it be consigned to the past, much like Michael Jackson’s comeback a few years ago has snuck out of the memory of most, due to how awful it was and the distracting number of jokes about him sleeping with kiddies.

4. Indiana Jones 4

I don’t think anything else needs to be said.

This was also one of my Top 5 world Changing Events of 2008, see for more info.

In case you can’t be fucked to click, I’ll keep it short, it is 2008’s shining example of how we increasingly live in a world driven by a desire for easy living in place of hard work. Why make a new film concept when we can whore out this old, successful one. Because it makes you a dickhead. And it makes the world a worse place.

Let’s hope Indiana is written into the annals of time to be a trilogy, and no more.

3. Heather Mills McCartney
Seriously, the quicker history consigns Heather Mills (no longer McCartney) to a dusty and forgotten neverland, the better. The woman has reminded the entire world that stupid bitches do very much so still exist  and that satan does have a bride.

To marry a man, put your legs behind your head and take it from a Beatle for two years and then demand £40 million pounds makes her essentially, little more than an expensive whore. This is despite the fact due to a hilarious accident which possibly reveals the existence of either karma or a benevolent God, she had one of her legs blown off. If sticking her legs behind her head was all she did, she’s been getting away with doing just half the work of a usual, uncrippled prostitute, yet still walked away with one of the largest court settlements ever. Cheeky bitch!

Attached Video Evidence:

Both of these are well worth your time should you wish to laugh some more at Heather,

2. The country of Iceland

Who?

If your thinking, who? Then you’re doing well and anticipating the arc of history.

Iceland is a small icy (no shit) island in Europe, which according to Atlas.com, is like quite abit up from Scotland and left abit from Norway.

Anyway, Iceland will probably soon be something forgotten from our collective consciousness. To be honest, its abit out the way and incredibly shit, so if we just ignored it for a few years, it probably would just disappear and be rubbed off our maps. More importantly though, it is the most exposed economy in the world regarding the global credit crunch – it turns out every Icelandic bank had taken all its customers money and then pissed it down a drain.

So hilariously screwed is the Icelandic economy, the only ever semi-famous person from Iceland – singer Bjork, is now leading the economic recovery. Yes. Seriously. Check here.

Expect 2008 to be the last time you here of poor little Iceland. For they will be forgotten. That or they will sell themselves to Russia to give them the Atlantic….

(oh yeah, Russia are going to take over the world pretty soon, but I haven’t blogged about it yet. Watch this space)

1. George Bush

It’s over!

Next month, he’ gone. Forever. Constitutional barred from returning.

2008 will be the last year George Bush pops up much at all I expect, unless he gets bored and starts doing news-worthy things like take drugs, use whores or promote any form of sensible, liberal politics.

With him finally out of the limelight, it means we can start to forget. And heal. From his savage raping of the world. Our bumhole may hurt for a few more years yet, but with time, things will get better, and we can begin to forget.

2008 will be defined by his replacement of course, but also his departure. Expect 2008 to be a line in history – the end of an era, a changing of the guard and the creation of a new time, age and zeitgeist.

The last year the world saw 12 months like that was probably 1979-1980 – with its parallel economic problems, social problems and changing politics. With 2008 behind us, let us march full speed ahead to 2009.

Part 3 of my Top Movies of 2008 series is written by Brad Moist. Brad lives in Nashville where he works at Gotee Records in A&R. As big a fan of movies as he is, he’s probably an even bigger music fan, and releases a great music top 10 list each year.

Yes, it’s that time of year again, to reflect, mourn and shudder at the year’s events. I will be looking at 2008 in a number of ways, over these last 10 days of the year. Here is the first installment. Enjoy!

2008 – Top 5 World Changing Events

2008 Street Of the Year

5. Recession

This year, we learnt that ‘boom and bust’ really hasn’t gone away. We had been promised that it was not going to happen anymore after the ole dot.com bubble exploded all over our faces. Not only is recession embaressing, it also causes poor people to lose their jobs and get angry and that gets everyone down.

But ‘boom and bust’ returned with the Credit Crunch, which despite sounding like a chocolate bar, is actually not very tasty at all. For a full explaination of how and why this happened, see here.

Why did it change the world?

Don’t be thick. It gives the world something to talk about. We all have something to collective bitch and moan about to each other constantly.

‘Hey Derek, you see General Motors need $9.4billion of taxpayers money to stay afloat. It’s fucking scandalous’

‘Hey fuck you, my wife works for General Motors! Those tax dollars are keeping this country afloat!’

‘You’re wife is scum man! You’re living off money stolen from the people! Fuck your corporate nepotism!

These kinds of conversations are very entertaining, and give the world something to do, rather than mindlessly surfing the internet looking for youtube videos of people falling over, or something to whack one off to.

Oh, and recession also causes global economic contraction, mass unemployment, political unrest, class conflict, severe environment strains and also brings us significantly closer to a full on intenrational resource war which will bring about the end of the world.

4. Barack Obama

Get your scrolling finger ready!

Just posting this explains things nice and simply and saves me effort. So that’s what I did.

Thanks - http://www.wallstats.com/

How it Changed the World

The USA now has a President who listens to ‘da hip hop’, shoots the ‘b ball’ and has a number of contacts ‘in da hood’. America also thinks it’s done something good, for this first time in a longtime, which is nice and refreshing for them, although the rest of the world is kinda thinking ‘hang on…are we supposed to congratulate them for not being racist?’

However, the fact the world has considered congratulating America at all, shows what a world changing event Obama’s election was in 2008. Plus it reminded us all that we should argue with old men and retarded women and not feel guilty about it.

3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones 4? Awesome!

IJATKOTCS, as well as having a stupidly long name, unfortunately turned out to be spectacularly un-awesome. In case you haven’t seen it, I shall now fill you in. If you have seen it, you’ll enjoy these reminders.

The first half an hour can be summed up like this:

And the remaining frustating hour and a half can be summed up by this:

How it Changed the World

What Indiana 4 revealed to everyone, is that any movie or film franchise, person, idea, theory, institution or tradition – no matter how excellent, revered or  respected, can be destroyed by the desire to make a quick buck. If someone thinks something can make enough money, then it will be sold like a cheap backstreet whore.

But not only does Indiana 4 represent the prostitution of the world but how fucking terrible ideas still manage to enter the world. With swathes of middle management, executives, directors, shareholders, customers and all manner of other checks and balances in today’s 21st century world, you’d think retards with shit ideas would finally have no place to hide. Unfortunately, as Indiana 4 shows, shit ideas are definitely here to stay.

2. The Large Hadron Collider

One ring to find them all and in the darkness bind them?

After a completely absurd amount of time, 2008 saw a large concrete circle, (with a 17 mile circumference) finally finished. The thing accelerates very small stuff (protons) at 99.999999% of the speed of light. Which is nearly as fast as the average Frenchman lasts in bed. Scary stuff.

Trigger a huge explosion of rumours that crazy scientists are actually going to create a blackhole in Central Europe, causing the entire world to implode into Switzerland. At least it would be a chocolately death. With cuckoo clocks.

How it Changed the World.

In many ways, it began the subliminal process of making us all feel more comfortable about taxes being pissed down the drain. The construction of the LHC (large circle) began in 1983 and at £6billion, a complete bargain compared to $400billion to keep some banks open.

And what for? To find the elusive Higgs boson. I mean, before spending 25 years and millions of man hours and billions of pounds, surely they could have just asked Higgs first?

At least when the scientists get bored of their new toy, it can be used as a massive NASCAR circuit.

It also inspired a series of hilarious jokes, most of which revolved around the idea of mass murder due to a huge collision with a large hard-on.

However, most of all, it reminded everybody that people who jump up and down screaming about our impending doom, death and eternal punishment should be shot on the spot. Or at least kicked abit.

1. Pirates

RECTUS. DOMINUS.

They’re back!

Why? Maybe they are inspired by Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carribean, or maybe by the fact that our increasingly globalised world means at any one time there are billion of pounds worth of goods floating, unguarded, across oceans around the world.

This year, pirates have attacked:

A Ukrainian ship, the MV Faina, containing an arms consignment for Kenya.

MV Sirius Star, 450 miles off the coast of Kenya. The ship was carrying around $100 million worth of oil and had a 25-man crew.

French luxury yacht Le Ponant carrying 30 crew members off the coast of Somalia. The captives were released on payment of a ransom.

All in all, there have been an estimated 100+ attacks in 2008. But, it is believed only 50%, and maybe as low as 10% of pirate attacks are reported, so as to not increase insurance premiums. Seriously man, they are like totally everywhere.

How it Changed the World

2009 will see the coming of the Pirate revolution. They already dominate the internet, political and military control is within their reach.

Perhaps. At the minimum we are guaranteed some awesome pirates vs U.S. Navy battles and the footage should be fookin’ mint, as the sword is pitted against the nuclear submarine.

But what piracy has really shown us this year, is that stealing is perfectly fine, (as I’m sure the banks would agree). If a group of drunken mates from Somalia can grab some blunt instruments and take a cargo ship over and make millions of dollars, well dammit I haven’t got a job, so I’m gunna go nick a plasma screen.

With piracy driving people towards both disillusionment with the capitalist, globalised system and instilling a blatant and unrelenting desire for stealing shizzle, piracy is going to quickly become responsible for deepening the recession and plunging us into the new dark ages, global connectivity shredded to ruins and everyone living in either boats or cardboard boxes shouting ‘arrrggh! feck off ye landlubber!’ at passers-by.  You have been warned.

Conclusion

So what have we learnt about 2008? Well we’re all poorer, but less racist, but more used to the prostitution of the world and our collective souls, suspicious of doom-mongers, disillusioned toward scientists and open to the idea of theft.

Prediction of what will happen in 2009, coming soon!

I saw the new James Bond, Quantum of Solace this weekend.  It’s pretty good but by no means great.  It’s a 6.5 out of 10.  It’s definitely entertaining but has some total absurdity in it that keeps it from being. A few thoughts:

First – The Aston Martin chase scene in the beginning.  This is a fine scene but i hate how they show you every time Bond shifts gears and you can hear the engine revving.  I hate it because everytime you look the non-Aston Martin is directly behind the car.  If the car is going so super fast, how come everyone is staying right with it?  Doesn’t make any sense.

The name Quantum of Solace is just a stupid name.  And, i quizzed 5 people after the movie and none of them knew what it meant.  It’s not good when nobody knows what the title of a movie means.  I haven’t seem such a bad title since Primal Fear – although Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was pretty bad too.

The airplane scene.  The two of them (Bond + Bond girl) rent out a big cargo plane (Note: I have no idea why they didn’t rent the smaller two person plane right next to it).  This cargo plane is met by a MiG-type fighter jet.   In order to combat the jet, James throws smoke out from the destroyed left engine, slows down and turns towards the upcoming mountains.  The action is cut like this:

1. Shot 1: Bond’s cargo plane
2. Shot 2: the ominous approaching MiG
3. Shot 3: the altimeter at 900 in Bond’s cargo plane
4. the MiG getting closer and dodging the smoke
5. the looming mountain ahead
6. the altimeter at 800 and dropping
7. the mountain ahead even closer
8. sweat on James’ brow
9. the MiG still behind James’ plane
10. the altimeter at 750
11. the mountain ahead
12. the MiG
13. more sweat on James
14. an EXPLOSION!!!!
15. the cargo plane flying safely away

I’m supposed to be happy that Bond has again used his cunning and intellect to get out of a jam.  Too bad we (the audience) have NO idea what just happened.

There’s a huge water crisis. This is at the core of the movie.  Yet, at the end, how has he solved the water situation?  It’s still dammed up and owned by a private company.  All he’s done is killed the CEO.  I don’t think that fixes anything.  Am I wrong?

Finally, I have a big problem with the Bond Girl.  First off, James used to be super smooth with the ladies but this chick seems to hate him the entire movie.  Not only does Bond not hook up with her but she sleeps with the villain instead.   Basically the entire movie is way to Bourne Identity for me.  They should try to make Bond his own man rather than Jason Bourne.

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การกลับมาครั้งยิ้่งใหญ่ที่คนทั้งโลกรอคอยของภาพยนตร์สุดยอดผจญภัยไขปรศนาอมตะอย่าง INDIANA JONES สำหรับดนตรีประกอบชุดนี้ยังคงได้ John Williams มาประพันธ์ให้เช่นเคย ใส่ฝีมือลงไปกับอัลบั้มนี้อย่างเต็มที่ ทำให้ยังคงได้กลิ่นอายของความเป็น INDIANA JONES อย่างเต็มเหนี่ยวกับดนตรีออเครสตร้าเต็มวง อันสนุกตื่นเต้นเร้าใจปนไปกับดนตรีสุดพิศวง สุดพิถีพิถันทุกตัวโน็ตอันยากจะลืมเลือน ดนตรีเหล่านี้เพิ่มดีกรีความสนุกสนานให้กับหนังได้อย่างลงตัวและกล่มกล่อมอย่างยิ่ง อัลบั้มนี้เป็นอีกหนึ่งผลงานชิ้นเอกอันน่าจดจำของ John Williams ที่ห้ามพลาดทีเดียวครับ…

รายชื่อเพลง

1. Raiders March
2. Call of the Crystal
3. The Adventures of Mutt
4. Irina’s Theme
5. The Snake Pit
6. The Spell of the Skull
7. The Journey to Akator
8. A Whirl Through Academe
9. “Return”
10. The Jungle Chase
11. Orellana’s Cradle
12. Grave Robbers
13. Hidden Treasure and the City of Gold
14. Secret Doors and Scorpions
15. Oxley’s Dilemma
16. Ants!
17. Temple Ruins and the Secret Revealed
18. The Departure
19. Finale

DOWNLOAD

Track 1-9 File Size 30.5 mb Up2U

Track 10-19 File Size 42.7 mb Up2U

Let me preface with this:

After seeing this film at !2:01 am on May 22 – I was livid.  I was beyond livid – I was destroyed.  Not only had my nostalgia for “Star Wars” been tainted, but could I wash the taste that was “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” out of my Mt. Dew and Reese’s Pieces dirtied mouth?  (Overall, that’s a pretty disgusting sentence.)

Turns out the answer was, yes: by spending two weeks spewing vitriol wherever my typing fingers would guide me.  I read and forwarded every damning review.  I reveled in the posts that tore any positive commenter a new one.  And it’s true what they say – time heals all wounds.

Well most of them.  With the arrival of said dread film on DVD, I opted to take a second viewing, and too be honest – it wasn’t as bad as I remembered.  Sure the big ones still, well, pulled a candiru for me: the groundhogs, the monkeys, and Mack… but I surely didn’t feel as slighted.  I actually enjoyed Indy and Marion’s reunion this time.

I was going to write this as the first blog in a series I want to call “In Defense Of” (this one would have been “IndyFence Of”), but instead I went with my “InASense, Lost” because it is more like innocence lost.  Check it:

Spielberg and Lucas were younger and more adventurous when the earlier romps for Indy were made.  Also, “The Last Crusade” came out at the end of the living cartoon 80’s films after “Die Hard,” and along with ”Batman” and “Lethal Weapon 2.”  The original trilogy was right for the times, capturing the mood and the spirit of its creators. 

To put this in terms from my own life to make a point, I will be referencing my experience with mosh pits.  (If I was geekier, or could even remember how to make geometry proofs, I would do that now.  I’m not sure which precedent is stronger, or if they’re even separate…)

EXAMPLE (A) I’m 22 years old.  It’s my first punk concert – Rancid – at the State Theater in downtown Detroit.  Three of my high school buddies are there.  The show starts, as does the mosh pit.  Having only been to a Debbie Gibson concert prior to this (at Sea World in Florida, no less), I have no hesitation and jump in.  Wailing and spinning and flying bodies.  Fights without fighting; punching without punches.  I get up and body surf a couple of times.  The bouncers throw me around like a rag doll.  I leaned down to tie my shoe in the pit at one point, and a cadre of fellow punkers split the pit open like the Red Sea so I wouldn’t get trampled.  In other words – “Raiders of the Lost Ark” totally.

Flash forward to 1990 and on (for Steve and George, duh): rumors and lies and hopes and dreams exist that make Indy 4 seem like a simultaneous inevitability and impossibility.  Yada yada yada they pull the trigger (or should I say, cracked the whip!  Nah…)  The stars and the Stars align (minus Connery) and success!  It’s done!

But the end result isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  How can this be?

EXAMPLE (B) I’m 32 years old.  It’s my latest punk concert – Say Anything – at St. Andrew’s Hall in downtown Detroit.  I’m with my brother, Scott, and cousin, Steve, and we’ve just left the casino.  (They were 13 and 12 in the first example.)  I won ten bucks and charged all our drinks thus far.  They’ll get mine at the show.  I wonder which arena will end up having the better deal on beer.  While partaking in more drinking before Say Anything’s set, a couple of girls approach Scott.  I assume Steve’s glow-in-the-light monster truck shirt isn’t helping him.  The show and mosh pit begins, and we swarm to it.  I keep thinking I want to go up, but I find that I’m the guy launching people.  I’m the guy controlling the crowd when people drop.  As the show goes on, I finally surf once – over three rows of teens.  Amazingly, the bouncers still throw me around like a rag doll.  I get kicked in the head as much as I did ten years ago.  In other words – “Crystal F-ing Skull.”

Here’s a glance at some DVDs and CDs you can purchase in stores today.

Movies:

• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

One of the most anticipated movies during the summer is finally released on DVD.  Harrison Ford is back on another adventure in the latest Indiana Jones movie.  I haven’t seen it yet, but it was greatly popular, grossing close to $317 million domestically.  Here’s what some critics thought about the film.

Roger Ebert gave the movie 3.5/4 stars and said, “I can say that if you liked the other Indiana Jones movies, you will like this one, and that if you did not, there is no talking to you.”  Read the full review here.

While the majority of the critics liked the movie, some didn’t.  One critic being Peter Travers who gave the movie 2.5/4 stars and said, “Audiences looking for emotional resonance in Indy 4 are doomed to the temple of disappointment.”  Read the full review here.

• War, Inc.

This limited released film starring John Cusack, Marisa Tomei, and Hilary Duff showed that even these semi-stars can’t shine any light on movies about war.  Almost no one saw it ($515,643 gross), and critics followed suit (only 20 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes).  Anyway, here’s what the few critics who saw it said…

Claudia Puig of USA Today wrote, “Though it occasionally tries too hard, the fast-paced and sharply written War, Inc. is audacious and entertaining.”  Read the full review here.

While Claudia enjoyed the film, Owen Gleiberman of Entertainment Weekly did not.  He wrote, “[War, Inc. is] an overbearing lampoon of American war profiteering — a comedy so leaden it could make a liberal hate liberal Hollywood.”  Read the full review here.

• Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan

One of the best reviewed films that has been released onto DVD of late is Mongol, the story of Genghis Khan.

Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly gave Mongol a B+ rating and said, “Russian filmmaker Sergei Bodrov contrasts images of sweeping landscape and propulsive battle with potent scenes of emotional intimacy in Mongol.”  Read the full review here.

A.O. Scott of the New York Times also gave Mongol a favorable review.  He wrote, “Without irony or digital effects ‘Mongol,’ the first installment in a planned trilogy, tells the story of a solitary man’s rise to a position of great power.”  Read the full review here.

Music:

• Keane – “Perfect Symmetry”

Glen Gamboa of newsday.com gave this album a B.  He wrote, “Their latest, “Perfect Symmetry,” is wild and almost giddily experimental, channeling their dramatic, still sort of mopey, lyrical themes and Tom Chaplin’s soaring vocals into lighthearted new new-wave surroundings with surprising results.”  Read the full review here.

Alexis Petridis of The Guardian gave the album three stars (***/*****) and wrote, “Often during Perfect Symmetry, listeners of a certain age might find themselves recalling Simple Minds or Tears for Fears. Whether that thought fills you with delight or revulsion rather determines the album’s appeal.”  Read the full review here.

• Ray Lamontagne – “Gossip in the Grain”

Afton Lorraine Woodward of Express Night Out reviewed Lamontagne’s new album and wrote, “In fact, “Gossip” is to LaMontagne what “The Shepherd’s Dog” was to Iron and Wine in terms of musical diversification, proving that “man with guitar” is great, but “man with guitar plus extremely talented backup” can be, if not an improvement, at least a viable contrasting outlet for musical brilliance.”  Read the full review here.

Lauren Murphy of Entertainment.ie gave the album three stars (***/*****) and wrote, “It seems that Ray LaMontagne is frittering away his gift on half-hearted, overly sappy love songs. Still, there are certainly some genuinely enjoyable moments here, for fans and newcomers alike.”  Read the full review here.

Television:

• CSI: Crime Scene Investigation – The Eighth Season

Ken Tucker of Entertainment Weekly reviewed the eighth season of CSI and gave it a rating of A-.  He wrote, “It’s not often these days that a mass audience embraces entertainment as stubbornly eccentric, unpredictably prickly, and emotionally ambivalent as this psychological petri dish disguised as a high-tech mystery series.”  Read the full review here.