Name: Nicholas
Age: 3

The means:
See that backpack he's wearing?:
 
One "Cars" backpack.

I gave him that backpack for his 3rd birthday with the intention that we could do away with the diaper bag and he could carry around his own Pull Up's, crayons and some books when we go out. Instead, my kid has used the book bag and transformed himself into a hoarder of all items big and small. It hasn't become a problem until now, unless you count the fact that he puts about 56436726752765728 small metal trains, cars, random crayons, markers, books, papers, receipts, some mail, and my serving spoons in the damned thing making it weigh about 4 tons. He wears that backpack everyday to go to the babysitters house, and wears it around our house until we finally peel it off of him before bathtime and bedtime. Still, no big deal, right? Wrong. I say that because just the other day I was surreptitiously emptying out his backpack with the hopes of lightening it so that he doesnt suffer from scoliosis in the near future when at the very bottom I discovered these:

Those are six, count 'em, SIX butter knives (before you freak our dear reader and wonder how much I pay my babysitter that she can afford to buy pearl-handeled butter knives; those arent the exact butter knives. I  just forgot to take a picture…) So, back to the knives. I wonderingly pulled them out freaking out a little bit more with each one I extracted only to find yet another treasure:

Yes, that is a tube of toothpaste and yet another generic picture stolen from the internet. Shut up.

So there I was, sitting on the floor of the kids bedroom, surrounded by many thousands of toy cars, six butter knives and a tube of Crest that belonged to our babysitter, realizing that I am raising a criminal. I called Mike and showed him the stolen goods. We both sat there and wondered why in the world the kid had chosen butter knives and Crest to steal. I mean he couldn't go for the pearls? Yeesh.

We called Nicky and he came in already looking sheepish, which of course let me know that he knew that he had done something wrong. We had a talk with him and told him that he can't take things that aren't his and then we promptly marched him over to the babysitters to add humiliation to the punishment roster.  Being raised by old-school Latino parents I know the power of humiliation. We made him apologize and he did – although I had to shoot daggers at the babysitter with my eyes because she thought it was hysterically funny and was trying to baby him. Well, my little boy apologized and promised to never take anything again through trembling lips and with huge tears rolling down his face.

Mike and I both hugged him and let him know that he is a good boy and that he made a mistake and that we still love him very much and to please, please, please go for the pearls next time.

For some time I've been wishing to understand what Tepe is trying to tell me - he seems to have so much to say! Finally I have a leisure moment and start to teach him to talking.

Meanwhile, Nefas explores the playground stuff I just bought, when I noticed that our yard is totally boring, short of any activities. This is the first time Nefas experiences a slide, so he finds it even a bit scary...

Tepe's talking lesson remains ridiculously short, because all of us are getting too tired (even Lussak, whom I had forgotten in the highchair for hours!). It feels, that now when I'm working, I never have time for anything extra. I hardly can take care of the most urgent necessarities! And for some reason I've started to long for the criminal career again. Maybe I'm simply destined to be a criminal? Or maybe the fact that Sevar is now my boss sucks?

It has already become a habit that Zarme takes over my bed, so finally I give up and buy her an own bed! This night, anyhow, she has already fallen asleep on my bed, so I have to sleep in her bed in Nefases room. I chose bedsheets with a underwater theme, because it matched well with Nefases sheets with pictures of lighthouses on them. I hope the sea theme doesn't bother the drowned ghost!

After her nap Zarme goes to swing alone. Poor girl - even her friend (yes, they've already become friends!) Nefas has caught a healthy sleep pattern and can't play with her in the middle of the night!

In the morning even Lussak (the loner) has had enough of loneliness.

And Tepe feels dirty... plus eager to break his neck!

I, for my part, feel that there's an endless amount of things that I should do, and even more things that I'd LIKE to do, but never have time for. In my despair I make a sudden decision - I quit my job! I hope I wont regret this later. I know that I can't be unemployed forever, but maybe for a while, until the boys grow up a bit? I'm worried about how to make a living while I'm unemployed, but at least I know what I can do if I really have to: steal stuff.

Now I have at least time to teach Tepe to talk! As for Lussak... I don't remember putting him in the highchair, and once again, I don't remember his existence for a good while...

When Tepe FINALLY can cough up some words, it's already very late and I've become exhausted and totally impatient! I'm sure that he's a bit retard what comes to verbal skills - I never thought that teaching a toddler to talk could take this long! And all the time, Lussak has been waiting patiently in the highchair! Is there something wrong with him too? Maybe he's autistic, or something...

Since I visited Wilka and Kelle, Wilka has been calling me like non stop! In fact the first thing when I woke up was Wilka calling me, and now she's calling me again! I'm definitely not in a mood to chat. Actually I'm very dissapointed at my situation. I thought that quitting the job would grant me a lot of freetime, but now I have only tought Tepe and done some little home tasks, and BAM, the whole day has gone!

Mostly to defuse my frustration, I sneak out for a stealing spree, although there's no urgent need for money.

I knock the door of a quite fancy looking house, and an old lady lets me in. But for my dissapointment, I don't find anything really valuable inside! Once I'm here I decide to steal something anyway and walk to the bedroom. I could have use for that work out gadget.

But when I'm in the middle of the theft, that lady follows me to the bedroom and distracts me! So I end up stealing only her desk lamp...

She sees it all, but goes peacefully to bed and mutters, that I'd better get out of the house!

Red Ink at My Filthy Riot

It seemed only perfect that my first gig over east was My Filthy Riot, boasting a lineup of Australian bands I made my way to The Annandale Hotel on Saturday June 27th. Highlights included Zeahorse, Aleesha Dibbs and The Cairos as well as previously blogged about Red Ink.  Lead singer John Jakubenko was amongst the most energetic of the night, tracks Kleptomaniac and Audrey were well received amid the audience. Sydney’s Sierra Fin were another highlight, vocalist Russ Tainton even joining some punters on a couch at one point as he continued singing.

The following night I returned to The Annandale to see Jack Ladder supported by Teeth & Tongue and Kid Sam. The latter being a definite highlight for me, We’re Mostly Made of Water a brilliant live track.  I also admit to not being familiar with a lot of Jack Ladder’s music but was blown away by his stage presence and his set, a worth while gig to attend as he travels around the country this month.

On Thursday July 2^nd I found myself at the Oxford Arts Factory after several recommendations to see Sherlock’s Daughter. I was pleasantly surprised to find both Melanie Horsnell and Lamplight supporting, as well as Eva Popov and was not disappointed by Sherlock’s Daughter’s set.

Friday July 3^rd saw me at Spectrum for Upside Down featuring Jackson McLaren, Joysticks, Ernest Ellis and Parades. Jackson McLaren took to the stage first, performing songs from his new EP.  During his set a punter from the crowd yelled “Who are you?” quickly Jackson responded “My name’s Jackson McLaren, nice to meet you” At times Jackson might come across as shy but he’s definitely comfortable on stage.  Parades, a band who have recently received some Triple J airplay ended the nights proceedings with a strong set, which included songs Dead Nationale and Invaders.

After waiting in line for a while, I eventually walked into the Oxford Arts Factory to the sweet sounds of Deep Sea Arcade playing on Saturday July 4th. Philadelphia Grand Jury took to the stage next with pre recorded messages, having cancelled a support few days prior due to illness, their stage presence and energy made me question if they were even really sick. Tracks like I’m Going To Kill You and Going to the Casino (Tomorrow Night) had this all ages audience singing along to the lyrics, lead vocalist Berkfinger even joined the crowd at the front of the stage during their set. Although Yves Klein Blue performed a strong set, personally Deep Sea Arcade and The Philly Jays proved to be the highlights of this gig.

Having caught up with Sydney musician mcArtney a few days earlier to assist with a photo shoot by Mary Luckhurst (sssealegs photography)  I looked forward to seeing him on my last night in Sydney. Playing at El Rocco (formerly known as Bar Me) this small, quaint venue complimented mcArtney’s set perfectly as he performed tracks Circles and Set Your City, even using Brendan (the ukulele) for a new song.

The Good China at The Evelyn

My first and only gig in Melbourne couldn’t have been better as I made my way to the Evelyn for The Good China’s second week of residency. Opening the night was Rich Davies from Spun Rivals, followed by  Detective Social. Having witnessed The Good China’s soundcheck I knew I was in for a good night. The eight members performed tracks like All Nothing and A Million Little Pieces, encouraging the audience to get up and dance. Before no time their set was over much to the dismay of the audience but unlike me, they can all return this week for another amazing gig.

There’s so much Australian music out there but just not enough time to appreciate it all. That being said, I often find myself re-discovering bands that I loved months ago but just haven’t listened to lately; Melbourne’s Red Ink are one of those bands.

Recently making it into the finals of the JD Set, indie pop rock band Red Ink are finally starting to receive the attention they deserve. One of the bands more popular tracks with close too 25,000 Myspace plays is Kleptomaniac, full of catchy lyrics and energetic tunes, one can only imagine this would be a great track live. (it can be downloaded for free from Triple J Unearthed) In Love On A Park Bench, the energy is turned down a bit revealing the diversity in John Jakubenko voice which when combined with the talents of the other members, James Munns on bass, Brendan Jones on guitar and Aaron Sim on drums results in another memorable song.

Thankfully Red Ink will be playing in Sydney when I’m there. Mark Saturday June 27^th @ The Annandale in your diaries!

Stay tuned to Red Ink’s blog for the release of their new clip for debut single ‘Audrey’

I can’t think of a better way to set up an introduction for tonight’s events.

My brother came over (This hardly happens so it usually becomes an impromptu event, even though he only lives in Bellflower, a jaw-dropping 18 mile drive from my house) and the boys (he, my dad and I – apparently the lack of a “crazy gene” shared by the rest of the women of my family qualifies me to be dubbed as “one of the boys.”) had some cocktails after I got off work. My family has a wonderful saying – if you’re old enough to worry about a paycheck, you’re old enough to drink. Needless to say, my siblings and I soon grew a tolerance usually reserved for Irish bartenders.

We collectively decided to go out to dinner, albeit at some low-class crab shack establishment that we all know and love. While we were driving, my brother and dad decide to further embrace the “fly by the seat of our pants” kind of lifestyle and drove into the parking lot of a very ritzy restaurant. We got in, sat down, and that’s when the shenanigans all started.

By nature, all waiters, waitresses, and busboys alike love my father. Whether it be the jokes and good vibes he throws out when he orders alcohol, the tips he quite generously hands out while drinking said alcohol, or the large tip and round of compliments he offers post alcohol, they just love the old man. Don’t get me wrong, my family isn’t wealthy by any means — we just know how to waste some hard earned cash when we need to.

While my dad’s busy schmoozing the help, my mom’s partaking in another family tradition of stealing any silverware, glasses, candles, or salt and pepper shakers she can get her hands on. Leaving a restaurant without sounding like she’s got a china shop huddled away marks the end of a truly good night.

My brother waits until after dinner to drive us over multiple traffic cones in his twenty two foot truck, pulling the over sized wheels onto grass and trenching it, allowing huge clods to go flying. Once he manages to maneuver us back onto the road, he heads towards the closest “gentleman’s club,” hoping to buy my mother and I lap dances from tiny Romanian dancers.

And yes, all of this happened tonight.

What’s family for, eh?

-kg

i am sure this one of the tightest things that i do when no one is watching. as tight as an emo band’s black skinny jeans. as tight as kerri-ann kennerly squeezing into lindsey lohan’s leggings. as tight as joan river’s face. you get the picture it’s pretty tight.

but before you go and judge, let me clarify something – this is not a sizzler or pizza hut buffet obsession. i steal from breakfast buffet’s at five-star hotels when on holidays. yes sir, i am very la dee dah.

it all began when my family and I were travelling through Europe on a three-month holiday. my mother would make me take food from the buffet and put in my bag because i wasn’t eating her monies worth at breakfast. she said something like, “i know you’re going to be hungry later and i am not going to stop what i am doing to find you something to eat while were out seeing the sights”. yowser.

but i learned my lesson and i learned it good. you don’t need to eat what you deem is your monies worth while seated at a buffet restaurant because you can just take some of it away with you in a doggy bag style system.

so yes, i steal things. i steal muffins, fruit and jams from buffets when no one is watching. or at least i hope no one is watching. incidentally, my mother is unabashed. she never made me put the stolen goods in my bag when no one was watching. the shame and embarrassment that results from my action is completely of my own-making.

“Shaaaks, bugger! Look, check them out! There must be over a thousand secondhand books in here! Shaaaks, bugger!”

“Bugger, see:

“High Stakes and Desperate Men! HA HA HAH AH AH AHA AH. Check that out, bugger:

“Antennas! HHAHAH HA AHA AHAHAH AH! Who’s going to buy a book on antennas? HA HA HA AH H HAHAHH HA!”

Well, folks, didn’t you guess already? We’d done some beer early in the evening, roaming around a crowded marketplace, making fools of ourselves. This secondhand bookshop continued to amuse us.

“HA HAHAA HAH AHAHA, bugger, this takes the cake! Look:

“HA HA HAH AHAHAH A Windows 95! Let’s buy! HA HAHA HAH AH!”

A few feet away, they’d setup a small additional stall, a piece of wood rested  horizontally on four wooden cylindrical logs, more books:

“Shaaaks, bugger. Bugger, shaaaks. They have a book on photography:

“HA HA HA AH HA HAH AHA! Bugger, check out the cover! Bugger, check out the cover! It has a nude chic on it:

“Shaaaks, bugger. Bugger, shaaaks.”

“Bugger, I really like such books, let me find out the price for this book, I want to buy it:

“Thirty rupees.”

“HA HA HA HA HA HA, bugger, he is asking for thirty rupees! In Vashi you’ll get this for five rupees! Chewteaya he is, this fellow!”

“Shaaaks, bugger. Bugger, shaaaks!”

“Bugger, I’m going to steal this book! YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YA!”

Ronald picked up one other book off the counter, of similar size, colour. He asked the shopkeeper the price. Half a second later, the shopkeeper was distracted by a group of other customers. Ronald flicked the QUICK – TO – SOLVE Brain Teasers and slipped it into his pants, just above his anus. He then walked back to the small additional stall and kept the other book back, the lookalike. And walked off.

I had to find out more about this lunatic, Ronald, the pornography addict who’d studied telecommunications during his four years at university.

“Bugger, I feel very depressed. This is how I fight my depression! Stealing! Stealing gives me a high, the same way beer gives you a high! See, see, my legs are shaking, see, I’m on a high right now. I feel a sense of accomplishment. You understand, right?”

“No! Come, let us have another beer.”

During beer, Ronald expressed his desire to get into therapy, consult the village shrink:

“Bugger, I need to start going to Heena, but I have no money. I have no money, bugger.”

“Okay, here we go. I’m going to ask you three questions from this book, random questions. If you answer even one out of the three, you get to keep the book! Else, we leave it here:

Ronald failed to answer any of them.

“Okay, bugger, we leave the book here.”

“Shaaaks!”

We split a beer and left.

Later that evening, Ronald went back to the bar. Only to fetch the book!

FIN

I’ve tried to tell Fakeme that we’re dealing with our own Winona Ryder and action must be implemented. I know his game, he’s going to clean us out, item by item, and by the time we’ve noticed the dining chairs have gone missing, he’ll be half way to Botswana. Yesterday, the cheese slicer disappeared, I’m almost certain it was him but I have no proof.

However, Kleppie does read my blog, and after reading R.I.P. Pigeon, he sent me this, and boy did it make me laugh…

Just for that Kleppie, you can keep the cheese slicer!

P.S. Update on the real dead pigeon – Day 4: Pigeon is still dead, still outside of my window, still freaking the crap out of me.

On Day 3, these two black birds came and poked at it for a while but flew away again… take him with you!!! Please?

Last week he was hiding the same things as well as a decorative glass bottle of oil.  I was worried about that one busting on the host’s home.  The host is amazing and a mom of 4.  She pretty much just let it go again.  Sweet, but it backfired.  On the way home we talked about respecting other people’s things.  Tried a little empathy reasoning, “Would you like it if she came to our house and hid your special blankets and bear?”  Noooooo.

We talked about it this week on the way there.  He agreed to follow the rules.  Part way into the evening I asked her if anything had gone missing and she said she caught him looking at the armoire, but that he didn’t take anything.  About 30 minutes later, she was gathering things from the extra room and I realized she was taking it back to the armoire.  He EMPTIED EVERY DRAWER AND CABINET he could reach!  and hid it all over the house.  UGH!!!!  I made him go on a treasure hunt to gather it all back up.  AND she still wasn’t strict with him.  So I told him if he takes her things next week, I will hide his when we get home.  Do you know what that stinker said?  “Great, then I’ll have fun looking for them.  I’m a great finder!”

HELP!!!!!!!!!! Any Advice?

Okay if you stuck with me this long, I have a giveaway to send you to.  As moms we can have difficulties finding sitters, as moms of special needs kids it can be darn near impossible.  Tech Savvy Mama is giving away a year’s membership to sittercity.  They have qualified sitters, some have background checks, and many have references available.  If you don’t want to enter the contest (be sure to include you email for her, you can use the discount code available.  The code is Sitter10 for 10% off.

She is twenty seven and is married. Her husband is rich. She comes from an upper middle class home and has manicured nails. She probably steals for fun.

I don’t have it in my heart to confront her on this. She is the only half interesting person at work anyway. And she is not a good enough friend, for me to have her best interests in my heart. So, I continue being blind about it. Though, these days, I carry cheap lip-sticks to office. You know, the ones that my NRI cousins picked up from discount stores, and which are probably made in Indonesia using some highly toxic substances.

- Hector Breeze, Private Eye