Regret lives through memory. Regret lives through mis-trust; of self or just as equally of others. It’s deep intertwined relationship with memory makes us constantly ask: could we have done something different – could the situation have gone differently.

As we look back and relive memories of friends, relationships, experiences and decisions we attempt to move forward by telling ourselves that we’ll live stronger through our decisions – mistake-laiden or not – and we’ll be able to learn from it.

That isn’t often the case. In fact, just the opposite – I find we’re drawn to make the same mistakes or decisions again. There is a discretionary comfort in an expected outcome.

After all, the best way to predict the future, is to create it.

Anything short was incomplete or lacking.

However, along the way, this natural drive for competition and striving for success turned into a self-serving quest of needing to be the best, to always stand out and in front, and to turn everything into a jealously fueled competition.

 The top spot, always be the big dog…nothing that I had was good enough…there was always something better.

I always worked hard, received great grades, went to college, graduated Summa Cum Laude, and obtained scholarships to a Division 1 university for graduate school.  In school, everything made sense: study harder, write papers more succinctly, get inside the teacher’s head or, worse yet, suck up and then back it up with completing the work.  This taught me that success came through complying, going above and beyond, and always knowing the answer.  If I did this, the grades would come, and so would the work.

This was one of the biggest set ups for failure in my life.

It wasn’t the professors or academia’s fault.  They prescribed to the formula for creating model citizens, and it worked.  However, if the game of life, grades in school do not always translate into model jobs; especially with the economy taking its unexpected turn in the latter part of the decade.  Yet, the expectation in my head was set.  The entitlements were in place, and I expected to roll into the top spot at any organization or corporation without really having to work for it.  After all, I was a straight “A” student and involved, really involved—not just a resume fluffer but taking active roles—in organizations at school and in the community.

I earned it; I DESERVE it!  I’m ENTITLED to my fair share!

What I didn’t realize was the work world does not own you anything, regardless of how well one excelled in school and extra curricular activities, especially when you are living outside the plan of God’s will for your life!

I was so full of my own success and achievements, I saw work, at least jobs that I didn’t want to do, as way below me.  I was too good, too smart, too overachieved for entry-level positions.  Even though my heart desired to stay in College Station, Texas (where I went to grad school and laid down deep Godly roots in my “reawakening”), my pride said no to the jobs that were offered.

Below my pay scale…below my academic scale…below my entitlement standards…definitely not the right title for a guy with a Master’s degree!

There I was, a 23-year old Master’s student, out of work, out of school, out of money, and living in his parent’s garage until his fall job started.  A job that made an annual $8,000 stipend, that had me living off food share.  The job was a wonderful opportunity through the AmeriCorps program, in which I actually used a lot of what I learned from my academic ventures, but I still didn’t take advantage of the network I was building, as I was too caught up in my title and salary to really be effective as an agent of change.

You have a master’s and you’re only making $8,000 a year!  You’re a joke!

I was unhappy.  Unsettled.  Unwilling to fold my will and give control over to Christ.  Pride and fear were controlling my every move, and using the mask of title and wage to keep me blind to actual success.

This entitlement of having the right titles and salary carried over into my next 3 jobs, two of which ended up in a lay-off of one…me.  I think my managers were being polite and due to economic situations abroad used that as the excuse.

In reality, I probably should have been fired.

 It wasn’t up until last year, as an Administrative Assistant—that was a HARD pill to swallow with a Master’s degree, especially with the extreme micromanaging I was experiencing—that the small tugs of God, and the voices of well-reasoned and wise counsel, that I was conveniently ignoring turned into the loud, very obvious voice of God telling me that I needed a change…

A change of heart.

God walked me through all he had done for me over the past 4 years…including setting me up for the best relationship of my life: my marriage (and saving and strengthening the marriage despite my pride, selfishness and fear), granting me job after job even in the worst economic recession in 80 years, and to be working where I was at a wage that I didn’t deserve—it was about 150% more than the standard wage for a comparable position for the area.  Basically God told me:

Quit whining!

The character development that I went through in my Administrative Assistant position was way more valuable than a title or position of something “greater.”  I learned that sometimes work is something one does for 40 hours a week to put the gift of food on the table and the gift of shelter over ones head.  There is a lot to be said about being able to provide for ones-self.

Ask the 7.7% of American’s who are unemployed, some of whom haven’t had work in more than 3 years!  Or the 14.9 million households who are on Food Share.

I also learned that no matter what you do, as long as you are working for Christ and not for man that can be the greatest self-sacrifice we can offer!

Col 3:23

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men

Remember, no matter who your boss is, what position you are working in, where you find yourself in life, you are there for a reason.  It may be because God is trying to teach you a lesson, or it’s that you’re fulfilling a dream Christ laid in your heart from a young age.  You may have an overly zealous, micromanaging supervisor who questions every move you make—whether right or wrong—or a manager who might check in with you once a month.  Work as you are working for Christ, not for man.

Remember who your true boss is…who you are eternally accountable to.

 Steven Curtis Chapman may wrap up my thoughts about titles and entitlement the best.  In his song, Do Everything, SC2 reminds us that no matter what we do, big or little, it all matters to God in the end regardless of titles:

Maybe you’re that guy with the suit and tie, Maybe your shirt says your name, You may be hooking up mergers, cooking up burgers, But at the end of the day, Little stuff big stuff in between stuff, God sees it all the same, And while I may not know you I bet I know you, Wonder sometimes does it matter at all, Well let me remind you it all matters as long as you do, Everything you do to the glory of the One who made you, Cause He made you, To do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face, And tell the story of grace with every move that you make, And every little thing that you do

God doesn’t care about the title behind your name.  He cares about how you use that title to show the world the heart He’s created you to have, the will He has for your life, and how you use that to glorify his son, Jesus Christ, the one who saved you, saved us.  Christ came as a lowly servant.  The all mighty creator of this earth, was ridiculed, beaten, spit upon, called grotesque names, and hung on a cross.  At any time He could have thrown it in our face…reminded us that He was God and brought the wrath, but instead He chose humility and sacrifice, all to show His love and devotion to you and me.

The only titles that truly matter are: saved, loved, forgiven and redeemed.

Don’t let work or a title define who you are or what you do.  Let Christ who made you define you and use that title to spread His glory.

May God Bless your life today, in this moment, right now.

“As for the Hashwiyya, they are a despicable and ignorant lot who claim to belong to the school of (Imam) Ahmad (ibn Hanbal)… They have corrupted the creed of a few isolated Shafi’is, especially some of the Hadith scholars among them who are lacking in reason… They were held in utmost contempt, and then towards the end of the seventh century (AH) a man appeared who was diligent, intelligent and well-read and did not find a Shaykh to guide him, and he is of their creed and is brazen and dedicated to teaching his ideas… He said that non-eternal attributes can subsist in Allah, and that Allah is ever-acting, and that an infinite chain of events is not impossible either in the past or the future. He split the ranks and cast doubts on the creed of the Muslims and incited dissension amongst them. He did not confine himself to creedal matters of theology, but transgressed the bounds and said that travelling to visit the tomb of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alaihi wa sallam) is a sin… The scholars agreed to imprison him for a long time, and the Sultan imprisoned him… and he died in prison. Then some of his followers started to promulgate his ideas and teach them to people in secret while keeping quiet in public, and great harm came from this.”

[al-Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al-Muttaqin, 2:11. al-Zabidi is quoting from al-Subki's al-Sayf al-Saqil fi al-Radd 'ala ibn Zafil, see al-Rasa-il al-Subkiyya, 84-85]

“Clarity is the counterbalance of profound thoughts”

Recently in my own life I’ve had to practice stepping back a bit, emotionally, from difficult situations so that I could regain clarity of perspective. I’ve been weighed down by so many things that stepping back was a necessity and a wise choice. Over the course of the past couple of weeks I have tried to spent a lot of time alone to gather my thoughts and when I say alone I mean I alone no texting, phone calls, visiting with friends or family. With the wheels constantly turning in my head, my mind running, and lack of sleep I needed an escape from outside distractions to recharge. It can very difficult to find clarity and peace of mind when your attention is divided and your life is nothing but a constant stream of chaos.

For me to take this time to try and clear my mind I felt was important. I needed to leave all these distractions aside for a least a few days to regain some balance in my mental stability. If you want to experience more clarity, you must disengage yourself from that which has an adverse effect on your clarity, by doing so you are able to take on the challenges that  you may be shouldering. I finally saw some daylight when I felt for the first time in a long time at peace with my thoughts. I meditated and had gotten some really good sleep for a few nights in a row and woke up not only refreshed but with a sense of calm. Something I definitely had been lacking for some time. While this time was needed it didn’t fully give me the clarity I craved but I knew I was on the right track for the time being.

While I still haven’t found all the answers I needed I know that I my thoughts are clear enough to try and deal with all the random thoughts that had been flooding my mind for such a long time. It’s just a shame that I’m in such a situation because of clouded judgment, hopefully I will soon see the clearing through the trees and at the same time be lucky enough not to have one of those trees fall and crush me. Who would have thought trying to find clarity of mind would be so taxing and mentally draining, surely not I but then again I tend to think things will be easier than they normally are.

-G

“Ibn Taymiyya criticised ahzab and rejected them in a most inappropriate manner, and went to extremes in undermining it. They have responded to him, and gone to extremes in criticising him, and have stated that his abilities are conceded as far as memory is concerned, but that he is unreliable in matters of dogma, and that he is deficient in reason, let alone mystical gnosis (‘irfan). Some have even gone to the extent of attributing to him not only heresy (zandaqa) but unbelief. The Imam of Imams, Taqi al-Din al-Subki (d. 756AH) was asked about him and said: He is a man whose knowledge is greater than his reason. Shaykh [Ahmad] Zarruq [al-Burnusi (d. 899AH)] has said: The upshot of this is that consideration is given to items of knowledge that he relates, but not to his handling of this knowledge. Hence no heed is given to his rejection, and no consideration given to his analysis and judgement. And Allah knows best.”

[Ibn al-Tayyib al-Fasi, Sharh Hizb al-Imam al-Nawawi (MS Princeton University Library: Yahuda 3861), fol. 135a-135b]

For some, enough is lacking. While others, enough is just too much.

Things were simpler before we complicated everything with our greedy desires.

When will enough be ever enough?

But autumn has always been my favourite, I know I can have it all

Difference is that every autumn is expected, who knows me at all

To come too fast, not fear the risk, to come as a lightning

But wind and rain too can be annoying, disturbing, destructing

Too much of me can be lethal for what cannot be described in words

Every raindrop hits the ground quickly, every interest fades out too

Too much of me can be lethal for what will never be described in words.

By feelings. Unacknowledged. 

Heavy heart. Heavy.

Pounding. Unable to breathe.

By sadness. By lacking certainty. 

Sorrowful. Sorrow.

Poor, heavy heart. 

Now, this is not to say that I haven’t had any exciting or fun moments, especially when I come across a position that I know I’d have no trouble snagging, the best part being the starting/potential salary and benefits – the trouble with this, of course, is proper timing and initial presentation of self – their first impression of you – above all else. But then there are the times I do get calls, though they’re not always the ones I want.

Over the course of your life, people tell you things like, “going to college and getting a degree drastically increases your income!” What they don’t tell you is that it’s the potential income – and there is a huge difference: nothing is ever a guarantee. Sure, your four years in college will often times count as four years of some kind of experience, and an internship always helps. But often times the employers will ask for additional experience as well. This can be intimidating for those students who have graduated without internship or paid employment experience.

My advice, from what knowledge I’ve gained over the past few months, is this:

 You have nothing to lose by applying.
Get your name out there. Post your resumé everywhere. Apply to jobs even if you think you don’t really qualify. Now, I don’t mean apply to a job that is a good 10 years beyond your level of experience or capability, but 1-3 years is a good place to start. Even 1-5 years, since employers will often times count your two/four years of college education as work experience as well. Don’t be shy or hesitant. Remember, you have nothing to lose by just going for it.

 Education counts as training, too.
I recently learned this from an army veteran of 21 years – the hours you spent laboring away in a specialized classroom catered to your degree is something you should also use to your advantage. Employers want to know what skills you’ve picked up; so what you have a degree? So what you went to college? What did you learn there? What special skills did they teach you? Courses can often count as special training. Use the information to your advantage by putting it on your resumé.

 Bold numbers stick out.
This was an interesting little trick that I learned from my army veteran acquaintance as well. The little numbers that state years, percentages, or other numerical data – make them bold. This will draw the hiring manager’s eyes straight to the information you want them to see. Remember: Your employer will only spend about 30 seconds (usually less) of his/her time to scan your resumé. If nothing sticks out, then nothing about you is worth remembering.

 Use appropriate key words and phrases.
Use plenty of action words – the kinds of words that fit into the job description of your past positions. Don’t overuse words, or your resumé will look messy, spammed, and seem needlessly redundant. Don’t underuse words, either, or it will be lacking. And most importantly, use words that are relevant to the field and position that you’re describing. The worst thing you could possibly do is to misuse a word, especially if you’re going to use it more than once.

 Cater your image to the job you want.
This extends to both your physical image and your image on paper. Unless you’re at a job fair or meeting with a recruiter in a situation where they see you before they read about you, you want to make sure you use the job description of the position you’re applying for to your advantage. Use some of the key words within the job posting, and manipulate the wording of your own experiences to let them know that you can do the jobs they ask of you. Doing the same for your cover letter and references helps a whole lot, too. Just remember not to overdo it.

 It’s all about presentation.
The layouts and formats you use, the colors you choose, the style in which you organize the information… all of these things can make all the difference. If you have all the experience and qualifications an employer is seeking, but your resumé looks bland, boring, and/or unprofessional, you can, in most cases, consider the position lost. Pay attention to the details, and dismiss nothing.

Having taken this kind of advice myself, the results have amazed me. My old resumé was so often ignored, I began to feel like I may as well just give up. It was simple – too simple, though well organized. Nothing stood out, nothing was particularly interesting, and all the information was pretty basic. It wasn’t until I actually sat down with someone as experienced as the man with 21 years of military and corporate experience, many of which he spent recruiting in both sectors, that I started to notice drastic changes in the amounts of calls and interviews I’ve been getting. I’ve been using his advice for the past month or so, and in that time, I’ve gotten several job offers, some of which I’ve declined (oh, how powerful it feels to be able to do such a thing!), and plenty of interview opportunities still lined up for at least a week ahead. I’m super excited about the possibilities!

I hope this helps someone the way it helped me. Granted, the advice I received was one-on-one and face-to-face, so this isn’t even half as good as what I was given. Though it’s brief, it will hopefully be of help to someone out there!

Before I made this goal I would literally do the same things. Get the same food, take the same route to school, even use the same stall in the bathroom.. every time. I needed change big time, I was tired of doing the same things, I felt as though I was just ordinary, I want to be spontaneous. I started to make little changes such as walking a different way to class, choosing fish instead of chicken, just little changes.

In order to reach my goal, and make changes within my life, I have set up certain guidelines as to how I plan to reach my goal and not be the same ol’ Carley.

-I need to attempt things that could better my life. Getting my license would be a big change. Driving myself places for once and not having to bum a ride from my parents could be a big change.

-Trying a new restaurant that I have never been to could add  “spice” to what I’m eating. I could try a new food item at my favourite restaurant.

-Meeting new people could really make my life more interesting. You can learn from new people, and they can change you for the better. I can achieve this by going to new places around town, or even joining a club at school.

Keeping goals is a challenge for myself. I find myself becoming lazy, and this keeps me from achieving what I really want. I plan to keep up my goals by motivating myself, and setting myself reminders. I’ll notice change in myself after a while, and be satisfied with my progress.

Until next time.

Matthew 27:35

“And when they had crucified Him, they divided up His garments among themselves by casting lots.”

I find this part of the crucifixion amazing.  They, the Roman soldiers, divided up Jesus’ garments among themselves by gambling for them.  They felt the need to gamble for His garments – He who was sacrificing Himself to be the payment for the sin of all mankind – He who would have and does give Himself completely to all who ask – He who thinks we are worth way more than just a piece!

How often do we as Christians feel the need to cast lots for what Jesus has to offer?  To put in our bidding, like we truly have any luck or strategy over the outcome of how much of Jesus we receive.  As if He would only give a little of Himself to the people He died for – the very same people who only reserve so much ourselves for Him.

Oh Precious Jesus, may we be as eager and as willing to give all of ourselves over to You!  To follow in Your example of giving all of ourselves over for the sake of furthering the will of God.  In Jesus name Amen!

Dev believes India are more concerned about the financial rewards than the spirit of the game

Former India captain and all-rounder Kapil Dev believes the national team took their eyes off the prize after winning the 2011 International Cricket Council (ICC) World Cup.

Dev feels as if India became way too overconfident and it resulted in their drastic slide from being the number one Test team to fifth as of today.

“After the World Cup win, I feel they (Dhoni and other players) have lost focus,” Dev said. “I think all the players are self-involved.”

Dev also slammed India’s performance over the past 18 months and added that the team seem to have lost their passion and spirit for the game.

“All players now have their personal coaches, doctors and trainers,” Dev said. “The side lacks the team feeling. Sometimes I see them eager to stand at fine leg after finishing their job. Eventually if you have to win, you have to win as a team.”

However, Dev also voiced his criticisms about India coach Duncan Fletcher as well, saying that the word “coach” could not even be used to describe Fletcher’s role in the Indian side.

“There is a misconception about the word ‘coach’,” Dev added. “It is all about man management. For me the coach is the person who taught me the game. Only your team mates can tell you where you are going wrong.”

The former captain believes it is very tough for foreign coaches to succeed in the subcontinent since there always seems to be a language barrier and their knowledge of the conditions are mediocre at best.

“For foreign coaches communication remains a big problem,” Dev said. “I am a big fan of home-grown coaches. I think Sourav Ganguly didn’t do the right thing by calling in a foreign coach and setting the trend.”

Dev noted that India’s pace attack was always lacking behind Pakistan’s due to the fact that the country does not have many “fast bowling role models”.

“Being a fast bowler is a tough job,” Dev added. “In India every young cricketer wants to become a Sunil Gavaskar or a Sachin Tendulkar. We don’t have enough fast bowling role models. But in Pakistan very child who picks up the ball wants to be Imran [Khan], Wasim [Akram] or Waqar [Younis].”

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         Today I find myself wishing I lived in the past. I’m watching old sitcoms and I can’t help but wish I lived in the 70′s and 80′s. I wish I was smart enough to not fall to heroin instead of going to college. I had the world handed to me and I threw it all away. Now I feel as though I’m playing catch up. I guess I should have known. Ironically I was voted most likely to skip school (aka biggest case of senioritis). But I was still holding everything down at that point. Then it all changed. Now all my friends from highschool are married, having kids, successful, graduating college, and happy. I don’t know if this is depression, low self esteem, or envy. Most likely all 3 but I just feel like I keep getting set back. It’s always a new crisis I’m trying to handle, or the next dead end job. I went from 12$/hr to 8.75. I feel like I’m worth way more than this. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I am destined to turn out just like my dad no matter how hard I try to be someone or something else. Maybe regardless of how hard I try..I am just destined to be there for everyone else. Make everyone else’s life livable and just hang out like a wallflower.

When I was working, I always seemed to have loads of ideas for things I wanted to make and finding the time to do them was the difficulty. Now it’s the other way round. Is this creative block?  If so, how to deal with it? Lots of advice out there on the web no doubt. Perhaps I need to think out of the box. Make a list. Do something completely different. Make another list. Visit a craft shop or two. Don’t do anything remotely craft related for a week. (No, can’t quite see that one working.) Get the Bernina repaired and then if quilting or machine embroidery becomes the project of choice, I’ll be able to start on it right away. (The 6th months old Bernina has been making knocking noises for a while so it’s going back to the shop this week.)

The trick about having a creative block I suppose is not to let it worry me and just ‘go with the flow’ until that leads me somewhere more productive. Until then, or until I find something else to post about, the following photographs are of Ms P’s throw, the sunrise a few days ago, and an animal hair brush which I use to gather thread ends and woolly strands, and dislodge tiny runaway beads from my workroom carpet when I can’t be bothered to drag that smug-faced vacuum cleaner out of the cupboard. I wouldn’t be without this little brush these days – it’s a brilliant piece of kit.

Thanks, fir letting me explain this poor sod I call “me”
Ninger6

It wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t at the point I’m at. I started an afghan for the week. I was planning on making Precious in pink this week. It only requires 16 ounces of worsted weight yarn. I purchased a one pound skein of Caron Baby yarn. This is a lighter weight yarn, so you would think it would go more rounds. You see, this afghan is worked by the number of rounds instead of by the measurement in inches. I would understand I it ran out before a desired length was achieved. I ran out of yarn on round 31 of 33.

Now I can’t find this particular yarn anywhere. It is driving me nuts!

I have now chosen another children’s afghan. The trouble with finding appropriate yarn has put me behind in getting my weekly afghans done. The new choice of the week is a rainbow afghan. It took forever to find blue. BLUE!! How does a store not have blue yarn?

Why do I feel this way, whilst home alone Sunday evening, I feel so empty, like something is wrong and off with my life, hollow! Like I have not and am not achieving anything with my life?!?

Is it because of cape town, no friends, no evening church service, no social interaction, no family in the house?!?

Is it all in my head and should i feel that having worked on two movies is enough? Maybe its the lack of career development that makes me feel this way, the fact that I am simply lazy in CT unable to motivate myself to learn new things, to improve?!?

Is all the effort to leave this place going to be worth it?!?

This by no means is to attenuate or write about narcissism, because I promise you above anyone else, I’m not — self-esteem is not my strong suit when reading over previous journal entries.

The implication in the question is so clear, it’s almost not even ‘between-the-lines’: something must be wrong with you; I want to know what it is.

As gays, and really as people in general, we’re genetically programmed to judge a book by it’s cover – in this case an individual. Appearance, demeanor, syntax – everything from site to initial speech allow us to code an individual to come to initial judgements and summary which guide our next steps of interaction.

Appearance wise, I clearly must be making the cut. Career, education and cadence are all in my corner – so it leaves those wondering with curiosity to know what’s happening under the covers to determine and gauge the risks of engagement.

While enticing to play rat & mouse, I’m interested that we’ve developed this culture in which a minority who currently has a few demeaning to no rights at all, still has the same expectations to meet someone, fall in love, be in a relationship and live happily ever after – being removed from market by protocol and leaving a withering pool of statistical anomalies left to find one another.

So as the question comes across my plate, I inevitably realize and think: Now I know why you’re single.

Comes with

Passion

Friction

Heat

To fuel

Create

Give life

Motion

But what happens

When it runs out?