just watch these videos….enough proof?

[good part starts @ 6:00 mark]

[starts @ 1:55]

[sowwie about this bootleg video.  i couldnt find a better one]

Esta ha sido una semana cargada de presentaciones divertidas en shows gringos, así que empecemos con la mejor de la semana. Los Pixies demuestran que aún pueden aplastar a cualquier bandita del momento y parten la liga tocando “Debaser” en el show de Jimmy Fallon.

Podrían amputarles los brazos e igual tocarían a la perfección. Puntos extra para Kim Deal que se nota 3 kilos menos gorda.

Lady GaGa y Weezer, después del salto.

Ahora le toca a Weezer, quienes en serio, no lo logran. El nuevo disco, sus canciones y sus videos están mediocres, blandengues y Rivers Cuomo está lejos de su mejor forma musical. De todas maneras, aquí pueden comprobarlo con una presentación bastante débil de “(If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To” en el show de Conan O´Brien.

Para terminar tenemos a la caraja mas over the top, teatrera, intensa y drogadicta de los últimos años, mi querida Lady GaGa. Debo decir que poco a poco le estoy agarrando cariño y me tripeo las quemadeces que hace cada vez que le prenden una cámara delante.

Véanla disfrazada del jorobado de Notre Dame gótico tocando “Bad Romance” en el show de Jay Leno. Me cagué de la risa con los bailarines gimp que tiene y la coreografía de tigres que hacen, la jeva canta bastante bien y suena duro en vivo.

En carnaval me voy a disfrazar de bailarín de Lady GaGa. Decidido.

Lady Gaga performs “Bad Romance” on the Jay Leno show on Wednesday, November 23, 2009. She has truly proven her self on why she is one of the best singers of the moment. Gaga’s sophomore album “The Fame Monster,” is in stores now. Make sure to get your copy!

Click below for the interview.

Mya finished this season of ”Dancing With The Stars” on top of leader board by scoring the most points from the judges for her final 3 dances performed for the championship round.

Mya, 800-VOTE4-11, 800-86834-11, and text 3411, finished tonight’s finale with a score of 27 out of 30, placing her two points ahead of Donny Osmond, and 11 points ahead of Kelly Osbourne,making her clearly the judges favorite for the evening.

Mya and her professional dance partner Dmitry Chaplin performed at a very high level this evening, as they have done throughout the competition. The only slight mistake that they made was in choosing a final freestyle dance from the Broadway play ”Hairspray” that apparently was a popular number for those who have seen the stage play.

I never saw that play, but I did see both versions of the movie, and their performance looked very good to me, and I was fully entertained. Apparently, the judges based their scores off of the Tony award-winning dancing that was in the Broadway play, as performed by the professional Broadway dancers.

I think that is a bit odd, to judge her performance against Broadway dancers,and not the rest of the competitors.I know she is good and all, but it looked to me like she was competing against Donny and Kelly, so that assessment was way off base, but…that is just me.

I think they were expecting something different, and forgot to judge the performance in front of them, and that is the problem with consistently being on top….people want to see you fall.

I admire Kelly and Donny,and wish them well, but it was irritating to hear Kelly complain and whine about Mya being a professional dancer, because if she was honest, she has an unfair advantage over Mya, which is that she comes with all of Ozzy Osbourne’s legion of fans, let alone her own from the ”Osbournes” MTV reality series, that was at one time the highest rated program on the cable network.

That all makes a difference because at this point in the season, it is not about dancing on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, but it all comes down to a popularity contest, and Ozzy has all the popularity in the entertainment business, and Kelly rides on his coat tails.

Donny Osmond has almost 5 decades of loyal fans that far out distances the small number of R and B fans that remain loyal to Mya, because in the R and B game, the fans like to tear down the singers once the hits stop coming, and loyalty is almost nonexistence.

The freestyle dance was as awesome as the rest of her performances, and do not let any negative spin on it fool you. If it comes down to dancing skill, then Mya would win hands down,….If it only was about dancing, but it is not.

It is a popularity contest, and the popularity is not based on the dancing performances on the show.

If it is all about dancing, then vote for team Mya and Dmitry, it is what would be fair.

The deal is this,Mya, as all the performers, are not trained ballroom dancers, so she is on the same level as Tom Delay in that area, and the whining by Kelly Osbourne is unfair,fake, and borders on lying. She was obviously trying to garner some sentimental votes from her dads fans, and at the same time, slamming Mya.

In doing this injustice to Mya, Kelly reminded me of her mother Sharon Osbourne’s tacky slamming of singer Susan Boyle’s looks, when she stated that …”Susan Boyle is a lovely lady who had been hit by the ugly stick”….

http://www.realitytvworld.com/news/sharon-osbourne-apologizes-for-insulting-susan-boyle-appearance–1017159.php

The haters are gathering to torpedo Mya’s championship, and she needs all of our support by calling or texting the numbers listed here in this article.

Call or text now, before it is too late, and let’s help her bring home the award she has earned, and deserves, if all things are fair.

Mya & Dmitry Chaplin-800-VOTE4-11–or—–800-86834-11—-text—-3411

No matter who wins, and I hope it is Mya, rest assured that I will continue to watch ‘DWTS’ because the producers provide some of the best entertainment on free TV, and the dancers are all drop dead gorgeous,….like Donny’s partner Kym Johnson who makes me want to visit Australia if she is representative of the women that come from there.

Click on these links to gauge the Love/Hate for Mya, and please….vote for her…

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5gmOwX93uPf7WW6cSTCpGPOfjf9WwD9C5L24G0

http://www.examiner.com/x-10507-LA-Dancing-Examiners~y2009m11d23-Dancing-with-the-Stars-2009-cast-finals-Vote-for-Mya

http://popwatch.ew.com/2009/11/23/dwts-mya-kelly-donny-monday-finale/

I was watching Jay Leno last week, which I normally wouldn’t do since I’m a Letterman gal (no, not that gal) but I saw a preview that day that said Sandra Bullock would be on Leno, so I was SOLD! I love her to John Cusak proportions. I could watch her all day. Anyways, I’ll save my gushing for another time. This post is mostly about Walton’s Fancy and Staple in Austin, Texas, not my girl crush on Ms. Bullock.

I’m not much of a traveler. There is a very short list of places I would like to travel to. The list goes like this: Savannah, GA anytime…and Ireland, in this lifetime. That’s it. But I’m happy to share with you a new addition to the list! Austin, Texas…specifically Walton’s Fancy and Staple. You’re probably wondering what in tarnation that has to do with Sandra Bullock. Well, while I was watching her on Leno I learned she has a bakery! She brought enough of her Aunt Luddy’s White Trash treat for the whole audience (because she is that awesome). After some creative googling I found Walton’s Staple and Fancy among many posts resembling recycled press releases. Long story short, Ms. Bullock and her sister, Gesine Prado, opened the fab deli-bistro-floral-catering piece of heaven in honor of their mother. (add another reason to the list of why I love Sandra) I’ve borrowed some images from the web site, they all link to the site so go check it out:

I’m really looking forward to seeing Sandra’s new movie The Blind Side! Hopefully I’ll get to see it this weekend.

[images from Walton's Fancy and Staple]

]]> http://justkramer.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/mustache-fights-and-late-night-silliness/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:13:55 +0000 justkramer http://justkramer.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/mustache-fights-and-late-night-silliness/

I’m starting completely over. I got way too deep in thought in my previous attempt at this blog and I annoyed myself. I started rambling about emotional thresholds in terms of extreme happiness and levels of excitement and disappointment. After two paragraphs I stopped to watch Conan for a minute and when I got back on track writing, I realized I sounded like a total douche. Speaking of Conan….. are you a Conan, Leno or Letterman fan? There HAS to be one of the three that stands out in your mind. You didn’t ask, but I’ll tell you that I’m a Conan fan. That guy just makes me laugh, plain and simple. Leno is funny sometimes, but he seems SO scripted and “mapped out” for lack of a better term. There’s no spontaneity to his comedy, interviews or his show in general. Letterman gets me laughing pretty good sometimes but if I’m being honest, my favorite thing about Dave is his gap. I find a front tooth gap very endearing and I give him a little extra credit for it. He does a good interview, though, and he’s not afraid to make fun of his guests or go in an entirely different direction on the spur of the moment. But Conan….he’s just GOOFY! He takes his job seriously but he doesn’t seem to take himself seriously and I dig that. He makes fun of himself all the time and he addresses awkward situations head on instead of trying to change the subject or put on a polished show. He’s got balls and he is really good at sarcasm, which is like a second language to me. And mostly I like his dance where he looks like a puppet on strings. So silly, that guy!

I’ve been sitting here so long that Jimmy Fallon just came on and he’s awesome, but I feel bad for him because he’s like the ugly stepchild of late night television. Kinda funny sometimes….but quirky and cute….but just doesn’t execute his writers jokes very effectively. It’s like he’s reading a tweet out loud. Have you ever read a tweet to someone because you thought it was hilarious and you’re met with a blank stare? I’m a firm believer that tweets are usually only funny when you READ them, not when you speak them. BUT OH MY GOD HE JUST ANNOUNCED THAT TAYLOR LAUTNER IS HIS GUEST TONIGHT!! I’m into Twilight and I read all 4 books but I’m not going CrAzY about the movie coming out tomorrow. Granted, I’m seeing it tomorrow, but if I was forced to wait 2 weeks to see it I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. However….I’ve taken a liking to Taylor Lautner who plays “Jacob” in the Twilight Series. I could care less about “Team Jacob” or “Team Edward” because I’m not that into it. But Taylor Lautner is a tasty little treat but I was recently informed that he’s only 17!! That changes everything and eliminates the possibility of fantasizing about him, but he’s still good eye candy. More so than Robert Pattinson, anyway. I refuse to engage in any debate on my stance with a Twilight fan mostly because I HATE debates, but also because I think arguments like that are so annoying. To each his own, as I always say.

But I’ve got to hand it to Fallon right now because he’s got a feature on called “UMF” – The Ultimate Mustache Fighter! Here’s a little taste of the awesome dialogue for you… “The ring’s not big enough for these brutally bushy beasts, these hairy heathens, these whiskered warriors!…. Defending Champion Wilford Brimley takes on the ferocious fake fuzz of Gene Shalit for Stache’ Bash III. “There’s no love lost between these two mustaches, Barry!!” There are two ginormous mustaches going head to head in the octagon to grind it out. Check out these awesome graphics…..

Jimmy Fallon's UMF FeatureGeraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

Geraldo Rivera vs. Wilford Brimley

 You get the picture of how AWESOME this is?! I laughed my ass off at these two giant mustaches trying to beat each other up. But if you know me, you know I have a certain fascination for mustaches. Oddly enough, I don’t find them attractive on men but I do enjoy the unique appeal of a glorious mustache, you know? Something about them just makes me giggle, especially if it’s fake or drawn on with a sharpie. Let me show you what I’m talking about…… 

I sported this mustache at a baby shower. Pretty good, eh?! Ok…I’m done talking about fantastic mustaches but let me warn you….if we go out drinking, do not pass out before me. I’ll never be too old to draw a mustache on your face while you sleep. At least I admit it. But it’s time for me to wrap this up because Taylor Lautner just came on Fallon and I’m so very interested to hear what he has to say. And by that I mean I want to just sit here and imagine him naked. I’m kidding folks!! HE’S ONLY 17!!

Forgive me if this isn’t my best recap. It’s late. My parents had my family over for a birthday dinner and it is now very very late! But since it is my birthday, I can start watching a television show at 10:00pm if I feel like it. I’ll be writing in the present and past tense because I’m typing as I watch and my old brain can’t convert tenses properly.

MAKEOVER WEEK!

I love makeover week. Here are some highlights:

-Tim Gunn said, “The best way to dress up jeans and a t-shirt is to add a blazer.” Rudy asked, “Well where would I wear that?” He said, “If you’re going to take your wife to dinner…” And Rudy said, “Well…. I guess… I could do that.”

-Apparently they are going to have to give speeches. Not sure who they’ll be speaking to.

-Rebecca looks AMAZING. Her hair is so cute. She reminds me of Kyla Roma. (<– click her name, fellow blogger) Even though I don’t actually KNOW Kyla, I think her hair is just precious.

-Danny colored his hair and shaved. I like the salt and pepper look so I’m not a fan of the new hair. But wow, he looks young. His daughter said, “I was so excited to see my dad. I’ve only had a fat dad for my WHOLE life.”

-Allen is looking pretty spiffy. Sheesh. He really looks fantastic. Umm, did y’all see his wedding photo? If I were him, I don’t think I’d allow that on national television.

-Amanda cut her hair and it’s super cute. She sort of reminds me of LeAnn Rimes. Is it just me?

-Rudy shaved. They convinced him. He looks classy and young. You can actually see his true smile.

-I don’t like Liz but I like her new look. Her hair looks great. It really makes her look put-together.

The contestants spoke to an arena of people. Their speeches were awesome. Danny’s daughter is precious. He spoke about how his turning point was when his daughter said “I want to have a big belly like you.” Rudy spoke about his sister who died of leukemia when he was a little kid. (And seriously, he looks great.) I really liked Liz’s message. I think it’s specifically great for women to hear– you cannot help everyone else if you don’t help yourself. Women are SO good at neglecting their own needs.

NBC  is really pushing this Bob/Amanda thing. Every time they show her, they show him immediately after. Hmmm…

On to the challenge. We’ve seen this challenge before. They have to cross a 700 feet zipline. The winner wins a two week vacation to the Biggest Loser resort in Utah. Two comments on that: 1) Whoa, BL is totally taking over the world. They have a resort now?? 2) Whatever happened to vacations to Mexico? A health camp? Really?

Liz was FREAKING out. FREAKING out. I have never seen someone freak out that much. I was cracking up.  She did the entire thing with her eyes closed. Ha.

Rudy won. Shocker.

Back to the house. Bob and Allen had a quick chat about taking apples to the gym in a fancy bag that is green. Awesome.

Jillian challenges Rudy about his story. I can’t believe it is taking this long to get emotions out of Rudy. I really thought he was just a old football player who kept eating and gained weight. Wrong-o. He’s got some work to do still, but I think he’s off to a good start.

Weigh in time. The girls are finally in their cute, form fitting tops. And Jillian is actually wearing a shirt that has no form at all. Alison’s dress is cute, but nothing to write home about. I don’t think anyone will be googling this dress. 

Danny (12) – How? He’s lost 126 pounds in ten weeks. He’s lost more than Jillian weighs.
Rudy (16) – WOWZA. How does he do this?!? He’s lost 134 pounds to date, more than anyone has lost in ten weeks in BL history.
Allen (5) – Jillian compliments the weight loss. For his size and shape, this is good. They don’t want him losing too much weight just to win. (Ahem, Helen.)
Rebecca (3) – Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Three is not good.
Liz (3) – Her eyes just look mean. I have no other comment.
Amanda (9) – Awesome. That’s almost unbelievable. She’s under 200! This is the most weight she’s lost since she got to the ranch. (They didn’t show her hug Bob. Come on!)

That leaves Rebecca and Liz below the yellow line. Rebecca wanted to talk to Rudy and Allen about their decision. On his way out, Allen said, “You need to get some fight. If you want to stay here, you need to fight for it.” Rebecca asked for her second chance. She said that Liz has been under the yellow line 3 times, she has had her second chances.

Liz is 49?? Only 49? She, uh, does not look 49. And apparently she only thinks she’s going to live 20 more years. Interesting.

Amanda and Danny obviously voted for the Liz and Rebecca. Rudy voted for Rebecca because she played both sides of the fence. DRAMA. I’m not sure why he said he didn’t trust her. That’s pretty hurtful. He could have just said something positive about Liz. Come on Rudy. I like you, but every now and then I think you go too far.

WHOA, Rebecca looks great. She’s running a half marathon. She’s looking very Ali-like. She cried when she was running the tenth mile. She looks incredible. Listen y’all, I love Daniel… but they just don’t look like a match. She looks super trendy and he looks 12.

NEXT WEEK! We’ll have a normal episode on Tuesday and then a Where Are They Now episode on Wednesday. That’ll be awesome.

Rebecca was on Leno and my parents DVRed it because we just can’t get enough Loser. She looks smokin’ hot. She’s lost 122 pounds. She addressed the Daniel rumors… not just rumors. They are true. It sounds like it happened towards the end of everything, not throughout the whole season. But maybe she’s saying that to cover her butt. So there you go. We are detectives. Now if we could only figure out what the heck is going on with Bob and Amanda.

(Tomorrow I’m going to have some details about the Houston PW signing. The location has changed. I know people who know people. We’ll talk tomorrow.)

(Say some prayers for my girl, Lauren. She’s been in the hospital since Sunday. Read her blog for some details.)

The mistress of former ESPN Baseball Tonight studio man Steve Phillips has spoken, and she’s not sorry. She’s not crazy, either (I beg to differ). Brooke Hundley appeared on ABC’s Good Morning America today to tell her side of the racy affair between herself, a former 22-year-old intern-type at the network, and Phillips, a 46-year-old broadcaster and former general manager of the New York Mets.

As mentioned, Hundley didn’t go as far as to admit any fault, although she said she “understands the pain” of Phillips wife, since they’ve both been humiliated in public. She insisted she’s not a stalker and only left a crazy letter describing the affair on Phillips’ doorstep because she wanted something to happen to get her out of the “horrific” situation.

Anyway, I’ll resist passing any more judgment on this one other than to say I think Phillips and Hundley are both out of their minds for a variety of reasons. I will say, though, the highlight of the interview is Hundley’s disdain for Jay Leno. I tell you, ever since Jay got that new primetime show, he’s been raising some serious hell.

Going to be in the L.A. or N.Y. area and want to go see Leno, Letterman, Conan, or Jimmy Fallon? Here’s the scoop on how to get tickets. Combined from the TV stations official sites and bloggers across the country are the top ways to get tickets.

(Me and a few friends waiting in line to get tickets to Conan)

Getting Tickets: online, in person or stand-by

1) Pick a destination

• Leno or Conan: California (CBS)
  
• Letterman or Fallon: New York (NBC)
  

2) Phone or in person

This requires a little planning. So choose a date with your friends or family and take these steps…

Jimmy Fallon

• Call to book one month in advance- say date preference and your contact information
• Can book 4 tickets
• New “Band Benches” seats set aside for fans of musical guests. You need to visit www.fallonbandbench.com and enter code

Dave Letterman:

• Fill out online form.

Conan O’Brien:

• Send info below to ConanTickets@nbc.com or mail Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien Studio
• 4 dates you’d like to attend in order of preference.
• Full Name, email address, mailing address, and phone number.
• Number of tickets (limit is 4)

Jay Leno

• Send a self-addressed stamped envelope with:
• Brief letter listing the desired date of taping and three alternate dates
• Send 6 weeks in advance
• Tickets will be sent out 2-3 weeks prior to the show

3) Stand in Line

It’s probably the easiest way and if your trip is spur of the moment, this is the way to go. Fallon and Letterman seem to be the main two late night shows that let people wait stand-by for their show.

• Fallon: arrive no later than 9:00 a.m. on the morning of the taping under “NBC Studios”
• Only one ticket will be issued per person.  A standby ticket does not guarantee admission. You’ll be given a ticket in line and then asked to come back at the time of the filming. A certain number of people will be called in. The number is based on your place in line.
  
• Letterman: Standby via phone, call (212) 247-6497, at 11 a.m. on the day you wish to attend. Then go to studio, but do not line up before 9 a.m.

4) Less familiar ticket-getting options

Check the Desk

• Fallon: will be placed at the NBC Studio Tour Desk on the second floor of the NBC Experience Store in Rockefeller Plaza.
• Letterman: Check in at the theater no later than 1 hour before taping. Desk hours are Monday – Thursday: 9:30 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Saturday and Sunday: 10:00 a.m. – 6:00 p.m
• Conan: The Box Office opens at 8am on the day of the show, are distributed on a first come first served basis, two tickets per person. Audience members must be at least

Find a friend that works at the studio

• For example when Conan used to be on Late Night, a very small amount of VIP tickets were given out for each show. Sorry, I would not be one of those “friends.” I neither work there nor do I know anyone that does. Sorry guys!

Check eBay or Craigslist

• Some people who have extra tickets sell their tickets online. Try the New York Craigslist site (listed in the “Resources” section below).

Check Twitter

• Information about last minute ticket openings are advertised through Late Night’s Twitter updates.

Check TVTix.com

• Offers free tickets to live tapings in N.Y. and L.A. If interested in The Jay Leno Show fill out a request form on their website and TVTix will email you back within a half hour

Addresses

David Letterman
1697 Broadway
New York NY 10019
Between West 53rd and West 54th Streets
(212) 247-6497,

Jimmy Fallon
NBC Studios
Marquee on the 49th Street side of 30 Rockefeller Plaza
(212) 664-3056

Conan O’Brien
Stage 1 – Universal Studios Lot
Gate – 3 Lankershim Blvd.
Universal City, CA, 91608 (818) 684-3056

Jay Leno
The Jay Leno Show Tickets
3000 W. Alameda Ave.
Burbank, CA 91523

(Photo by AP Photo/Charles Sykes)

Känner du dig förvirrad, sliten och lite trött? Irriterad eller till och med gnällig? Har flickvännen/pojkvännen precis betett sig som ett riktigt svin? Uttag medges ej? Gröt och nudlar? Tvingas sno öl på krogen?

Jag vet att läget ibland kan verka dystert, men svaret på alla dina önskningar (och lite till…) när du mår som sämst är ingen annan än TV’s överlägset roligaste man: Conan O’Brien.

Släng bara ett getöga på honom.  Du kan inte förneka att han faktiskt äger allt du tror dig hålla högre:. Skavlan, Letterman, Leno, Ross, Luuk.. Det kvittar givetvis vem du väljer att slänga fram, Conan vinner överlägset och sju dagar i veckan.  Håller du inte med mig om det, tackar jag för visat intresse, och ber dig snällt och trevligt om att flytta din rostiga Fiat till en annan del av blogg-parkeringen.

(Conan har kapaciteten att odla sig ett fullgott slutspelsskägg. Vad var det nu jag sa om sambandet mellan skägg och fantastiska personligheter igen?)

We are glad the show is back for a 6th season and we hope it never stops at all. It’s a chuckle-barrel. Oprah needs to give Ms. Griffin some airtime for the effort at least.

Ok folks. It’s Friday. I’ve nothing amazing or informative to say and too much to do really, so I thought I’d just fling metaphorical custard pies your way. Time for some Friday fun.

 (last minute addition: I do have something funny. Today someone found my blog while searching for ”finaaly i drink my aunts milk” Sweet Jebus, what is the world coming to?)

I’ve had some funny crap sitting in my email for many months that I didn’t want to delete because some of it was just too funny. On the other hand, it’s clogging up my otherwise neatly ordered email (OCD, OCD,OCD) so I need to do something with it. So I’m passing it on to everyone else. Like a custard pie chain-letter I guess, which gives me my segue into the first funny:

Chain Letters:

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what’s left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern…I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

I no longer use margarine because it’s one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!

I will now return the favor.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s 8th husband’s 2nd cousin’s 3rd husband’s ex-wife’s mother’s beautician!

Well Then, Consider These:

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. 

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. 

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am. all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. 

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. 

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day???? 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. 

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. 

Are Ya OK Now? – No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day???? 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was  blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

________________________________

Great truths

Great truths about life that little children have learned:
 
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

Great truths about life that adults have learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great truths about growing old:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank Coke made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day and we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms……. WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

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A quote by Jay Leno:

‘With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?’

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Bad Day:

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
 
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
 
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on atable or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
 
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
 
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
tested and then sanitized”.
 
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.”
 
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS . . . . .

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Alcohol:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor, especially Bombay Sapphire Gin) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

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Drugs:

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs” and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink”. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
  
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Jokes:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the
universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment.  “Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh! The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: The driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off  go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That’s not it and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it”

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 Religion:Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you’ll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic Elementary School test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to MountCyanide to get the ten commandments

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Goldrn Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24 St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preacged Holy acrimony which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

So Leno actually did some decent material the other night. Im surprised the Chris Matthews Wallace bit hasn’t got more play on MSNBC. Leno uses FNC alot, but I never hear him mock MSNBC. While Olbermann may be a joke in himself, I can only imagine the moral outrage spewed from bed-wetting bloggers that would fail to moveon.com from a light jab at the failing news network. Considering that Rupert Murdoch, the ‘closed minded conservative,’ just gave Wanda ‘lets kill Rushbo’ Sykes a comedy show on Fox, makes the glaring double standard even more hypocritical. But then again, I’m sure CEO-bama would take no issue signing a Dennis Miller variety program in to law at NBC.

Scovell doesn’t have to expose that Letterman has a hostile working environment. Just watch how rude Letterman is to her guests sometimes:

‘Nell Scovell walked away from her dream job on Late Night with David Letterman thanks to the “hostile work environment” created by high-level male staffers having sex with their female employees. She writes about her experience in Vanity Fair—not to name names, but to point out the underlying problem with all the major late night shows: “Out of the 50 or so comedy writers working on these programs, exactly zero are women. It would be funny if it weren’t true.”

‘Scovell recounts her experience, but ultimately wants to “pivot the discussion away from the bedroom and toward the writers’ room.” Yes, the sexual politics of Late Night made her feel demeaned. But, she writes, “I don’t want a lawsuit. I don’t want compensation. I don’t want revenge. I don’t want Dave to go down. I just want Dave to hire some qualified female writers and then treat them with respect. And that goes for Jay and Conan, too.”‘ -Vanity Fair

Definitely racist Leno too.

Lots of people are upset about Jay Leno’s new primetime show eating up scripted TV time.   Personally, we don’t care that he shoved out ER’s twentieth season.  But we do care that he’s stealing our Dateline time.  Do you know that NBC’s classic hypochondriac paradise is now on only twice a week?!  That’s not enough!  How are we supposed to know where the flesh-eating bacteria is this week?

Public Enemy to Public Health?

What a juicy news story this is. One of ESPN’s sports analysts, Steve Phillips just got the pink slip for having an affair with a 22-year-old production assistant. The production assistant in question is Brooke Hundley and from what I can tell from an image search over the web, she’s pretty hot in those bunny ears. On a closer inspection….yeaaaa, REALLY Steve Phillips?!?!

She filed a restraining order against apparently but it was withdrawn. Unfortunately, this debacle became public and Mr. Phillips got the boot. Unfortunately he is not as valuable to ESPN as Letterman is now.

This story leads me to my next question. Would CBS have fired David Letterman for his incident if Jay Leno was still around on late night television? Probably. Ever since Leno left the late night spot light, Letterman and CBS has taken control of the ratings and will not let go. Letterman was smart, he decided to go public and air his dirty laundry. This controversy obviously put an even tighter grip on ratings and made headlines everywhere. Once he went public, EVERYONE started watching his show. Since he is so valuable now as the number one host of late night television, CBS would not dare to fire him or NBC would take back control of late night. By firing Letterman, CBS would have to find a new host to sub in for him. They could go with Ferguson but someone needs to take his spot and I hate to say this but Craig Ferguson is not as popular as David Letterman. They would have to do casting calls and everything and they would lose all the revenue that David Letterman created, that it was just not worth it firing him. CBS gets to save a six figure salary + benefits, but that’s nothing compared to the seven figure sponsorship they get from companies/corporations.

ESPN on the other hand is already the most famous sports channel on television right now and they pretty much almost have a monopoly on the sports television industry so these guys could afford the risk and fire Steve Phillips. It’s unfortunate, because I liked the guy but he’s not as hot as Jennifer Hedger.

The “Leno effect” has been dubbed by the LA Times, “a condition wherein the 11p.m. newscast for your local NBC affiliate is seeing a dip in ratings caused by weaker lead-ins from “The Jay Leno Show.” The move was originally thought of as business savvy and a smart decision by NBC who would save millions of dollars by opting for the late night talk show format over the costly production prices associated with television dramas. Although NBC has managed to cut down on their spending, I think their focus has been too narrow and they need to take a step back and look at the big picture in terms of what this talk show will do to their corporation if it stays in its current time slot.

The facts are this: every show on NBC in the late night lineup has experienced a ratings slip. Leno himself has seen over a 50% decline in viewers since his debut on September 14. However, NBC maintains that since Leno is so cost effective he doesn’t need to grab as many viewers as expensive scripted dramas. Ask any one of NBC’s 200 plus affiliates and they would most likely disagree.

Leno walking out to do his first monologue on Sep. 14, 2009.

Affiliates rely on lead-ins aired during late night programming to attract viewers to continue to stay on NBC and watch their local news once the scheduled network programming has concluded. However, since most viewers are failing to watch the entire hour-long episode of Leno (if at all) they are switching to different networks to catch the news or simply going to bed.

A decline in audiences is detrimental to local stations seeing as about a third of all station revenue is earned from advertisements ran during nightly newscasts. NBC may soon see their cost effective plan backfire if affiliates begin to opt for alternative programming in the 10p.m. time-slot. In my opinion, NBC has three options: 1) Reduce the amount of days the show is broadcast. 2) Reduce the program to 30 minutes in length. 3) Leave it on the air until affiliates stop broadcasting it and then you’re forced to take it off the air anyway.

Do you think NBC made a good move by bringing back the “Late Night King?” Moving forward, what do you think the next steps need to be for NBC?