I woke up in a foul mood today. Instinctively I knew something was wrong. And then I checked the date. I am exactly a month away fro turning 30. A pounding headache & a nightmarish day ensued. And then I checked my mail. A friend of mine sent me a link to a video, posted on this blog. It made me sit still, listen and read and despite the tears at that came at the end of it, I found my reason to believe. I maybe growing older, but my reasons for being are still intact. The personal ones not so much, the purposes more so. Made me want to rush into a phone booth and get into that red cape all over again. It’s beautiful & painful & all too true. Have a watch will ya?

Do pardon the corny song. The lyrics are meant to motivate, so it serves its purpose

I try all the time to teach my children to be grateful for what they have, to realise that they are much more fortunate than many and to be generous. They don’t really want for anything [except cellphones and quad bikes LOL ] – they must learn to appreciate what they have and not take it for granted.

Their school is part of the East Coast Radio Toy Story drive – both my boys donated money from their own savings and Taine even donated 2 of his good toys. This of their own accord – I had already sent the required contribution myself. This made me very proud of them.

My maid and nanny Anna, who lives on our property and has been with us 10 years, has a ‘house’ in Matatiele where the rest of the family live. Its one of those 2 room Government Issue block houses. Matatiele is 4 hours away and the bus or taxis that go there will not allow a lot of luggage and definitely not furniture. As a result she has stored up all sorts of things she really wanted to get home but didn’t know how to manage it. When Karl moved in she also got my old lounge suite. We offered to take everything to Matatiele as her Xmas bonus this year. She burst into tears. So last Saturday we packed up the entire truck full of everything she had kept over the years. Cupboards, a TV, coffee tables, the lounge suite, a water drum, pot stands, kettle, pots and pans, all sorts of everything – the things we all have. The things we throw out because they are too old or don’t match anymore. When we arrived at this house in Matatiele – 2 rooms with 2 tables and a couple of pots, plates and cups. Nothing else except for the chickens outside. You can only imagine the value to these people of a truck filled with things of comfort and luxury. Our ‘rubbish’ made them so happy. We don’t see so much of that part of life living in the city. It felt good to have done that trip – long and tiring as it was. It was worth every cent to give that much happiness.

The first thing I did was smile when I found out. For two weeks, I think, I crushed over you and I knew I walked that fine line between friendship and more. Plus, I was in the morally gray area, which weighed heavily on my conscience.

On the way to the airport, you revealed to me that you just got engaged. Even though I had a crush on you, my first reaction could’ve been jealousy or hurt, but it wasn’t. Not mine anyhow. I was happy – for the both of us. I’m happy you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. What I’m even more happy about is the weight lifted off my chest and the brain space that freed up. Good. I’m glad that didn’t take long or else it would’ve been anger that was the first thing I felt.

I have no regrets coming out of this. In fact, I appreciate it. I appreciate that this lesson was only about two weeks long. Thank you God. And I am able to take something away here:

1. Don’t go crushing on men who are taken

2. The ones who you have an instant attraction to usually don’t work out.

Bottom line – crushing on taken men is asking for trouble. Plus, you walk in gray areas where you’re constantly asking yourself if what you’re doing is right or wrong. And I’d rather not do that.

I’m still learning, still figuring things out and I’m starting to realize a pattern here. I think the ones you have an instant attraction to, those ones are not meant to work out. I can speak so from experience. It’s the ones you are oblivious about that never cross your mind, those are the ones that have a chance at working out. The road is long and I still have much to learn, but I’m eager for what awaits me. With each experience, I’m growing stronger as a person and learning more about what I want in my future S.O.

I’m happy for you. I wish you and your significant other nothing but the best. I hope that perhaps we can explore the route of friendship and see where that goes.

Nonetheless, I’m happy to take you off my atlas. After all, you were just practice. Time to move on…

Can you imagine a 19.75 mi route (including lifts) around Breck while skiing ONLY 1 blue run while the rest is black and double Black Terrain.  I was playing around with Google Earth this afternoon to find such a route.  Of course this requires that a few of our trust fund town council members to pull their head out and approve the expansion to P6.  After all this is a Ski and Ride Resort!  Let’s make it the best it can be.

Here is the route:
Starting at the Village, you take the Quicksilver, then head to Peak 10 for a lap on the southside.  Take Falcon Chair again and ski The Burn.  Come down an then over the Mercury, down Tom’s Baby on the E-chair side of P9.
Then go to the mid-station of the P8 Interconnect, to Imperial Chair.  Hike up to the Lake Chutes and ski back to 6-Chair.  Then to Imperial Chair again, this time head out to the Whale’s tail and cut across to P7 (Magic Carpet), back to the T-bar.  Take a lap in Horseshoe and head to the base of Peak 7 (1st Blue Run).

From the base of 7, go up the Independence chair (1st base lift since your first chair).  Drop into Ore Bucket and over to the proposed Peak 6 Lift. Ride to the top of P6, hike to your favorite drop and ski the 3/4mi wide bowl.  Enjoy the powder, and then enjoy a long, yet enjoyable ski back to the base of Peak 7 to have lunch at Seven’s restaurant.

Currently there are many great route options, but I must say, this one would ROCK.  Breckenridge has many diverse wind and weather patterns which would influence the actual route.  But the best way to get around Breckenridge is to have an experienced guide and instructor.

Dear Diary,

       This past weekend myself, along with a few of my most favorite co-workers engaged in a night of drinking and dancing! As we pre-drank our way through metro Vancouver we decided to make a stop in at our favorite place “Roxy Burger”! As the wind and rain pelted our decadent do’s and marvelous makeup we were greeted at the door by two men. One of which was clearly an employee and the other looked rather down on his luck and derelict. After the standard ID checks, the unfortunate looking fellow yells to us: “Hey look at this bunch of cougars!! There are a lot of young men inside!!”

     Now, as my ego was crumbling quicker than Lindsay Lohan in a heroin house, we decided to flip this scenario around! We as a group would feel sorry for this poor, old, and obviously oblivious hobo. As we took our seats near the window we took it upon ourselves to have a little ego boosting session with the table of vagrants next to us. “There was an old man outside that called us cougars – US can you believe a hobo would call US cougars !” They weren’t able to have a direct sight line to the man in question but as we ordered and started to put our little name calling incident behind us – guess who resumes his place at the table next to us!

   Harry the Hobo! It must be a misunderstanding – I almost yelled! But we quickly realised that Harry was in fact with them and was the proud poppa to the young men he wanted us to “hunt”. Oh diary, I couldn’t contain myself! My bravest friend Miss Penner - forged bravely ahead as to not let on to our obvious gawking and sputtering!  And what gems did she discover! A travelling family of convenience store clerks from Saskatchewan in town for the annual convenience Store Convention!! ! Oh diary – my heart was overjoyed that this man actually had, not only a job but, was a small business owner! Think of the benefit package!!

    Well diary I have never seen shots as well as mixed drinks consumed so quickly! My friends and I did not mince words – we downed and dashed over to our other most favorite place the “Roller”!  But diary as always I like to keep you wanting more – so I must tend to other matters! Until we meet again!

with love and respect my diary & confidant,

xoxoxo Miss Singleton

Lesson One: Treat the body’s circadian clock well, and it will in turn treat you well.
The days of carpe diem thinking should have been over a long time ago, but there are occasions that draw this irrational part out of me. For example, and most notably, I often find myself deciding between spending some extra time doing something (like hanging out or studying) and getting proper rest. The choice seems obvious, at least now, but it isn’t easy at the time. Usually, I find myself feeling not so tired anymore, but that’s just a characteristic of the circadian rhythm right before sleep. Anyway, these difficulties won’t go away until I adhere a lot more strictly to what I NEED to do, and this calls for other strategies than just reminding myself of the crappy sluggish state that I find my mind in following such nights.
How would I be able to pre-commit myself to this plan?

Lesson Two: Despite feeling like crap, make use of the day that you have.
So often, I no longer try (in any regard) on the days that I feel particularly tired. I hate presenting myself as slow, incapable, and such, when I know I can do better. So I just excuse myself as tired, and leave it at that; the problem is that it’s just extremely wasteful.

Lesson Three: Don’t hate, appreciate.
There’s some things that bug me when I come home for the holidays that make me think that I should have just stayed in San Diego. If I can’t learn to appreciate, I’m going to be miserable here for the duration. I might as well try to adopt that different perspective I was talking about and make the most out of it.

Lesson Four: THINK
Yes, thinking and exerting self-control requires effort and energy, but you can replenish this by good times! Psych research confirmed.

I’ve learned a few rules…why are you looking me like that? Okay, rules is a bit strong, if not inaccurate. Maybe lessons I picked up? Working suggestions? Useful bullet points? Whatever! Here is a list of things I sort of remember from my many years of playing RPGs and mastering a few (just a tad). In no particular order (other than the one given, like you really care either way)

1. Every gamer is a min-maxer: Each and every ONE OF THEM. Even the scrawny kid in the corner who is waiting for his thespian moment. Oh, woe it be to the Master who goes anywhere his one combo, stat or item he has hanged his characters hopes and fears on. Somebody called the waaaaaambulance please! Also known as “all players all whiny little children”.

Oh, a mirror, for me? Thank you! And don’t get me started on the munchkins . Yes, I have that mirror right here. Why do you ask?

2. Strip all publish adventures of treasure: Every single copper piece, +1 sword or other form of treasure must go. Then carefully build the treasure with all the misery love of a pre-Xmas Eve Ebenezer Scrooge. It is the only way to avoid Monty Hauling , which invariably leads to a dead campaign because the PC ascended to godhood by the end of the first encounter, or you drop a red dragon on their heads which leads to a TPK (Total Party Kill for you noobs!)

3. Don’t mess with the established monsters: Sure you can fiddle with them a little, but go too far and you will NEVER live down that one time, fifteen years ago when you decided to drop a “special” on them. Never…EVER!

4. When you utter the words, “Hey aren’t you playing X?” or “Here I have an NPC ready for you”, or “How about playing Y race cause I really need one in my game”, it translates in the players mind thus (Cue Admiral Akbar voice) “IT’S A TRAP!”

5. The Rule of Inverse Book Rule Carry: Lets say your current system has, oh I don’t know, 10 books so far (it’s just a number, yes I know they have like 30 out, or 177, just go with it, okay!). If you bring all 10, by the end of the night you will discover that you brought 9 to many. Bring only one and, of course, you brought 9 too few. Never fails.

6. The Inverse Square Rule of GM Loving/Slavish Detail: The more you time you spend on something, a weapon, an NPC or a map (or some such) the less likely the Players will care about it, react to it or bother to use it. However they will spend hours try to gang-bang the no name wench behind the bar, then once she gets knocked up they will want you to research (i.e. make shit up on the spot) the whole courtship/marriage ritual/ceremony whatever of the Old Kingdom of Aerdy just so they can slap a ring on the bitch and then leave her and her unborn child behind to loot another dungeon.

7. “You all meet at the local inn.” It’s old, cliched, kind of stupid and boring. It also FUCKING WORKS!

8. Ask for a character background, you may get a paragraph if you’re lucky. Ignore the player that handed you a freaking bible of a backstory and they will go on, and on, and on, and….yeah…..

9. As the GM is the master of time and space, which means if you give 3 days for the PCs to recover, hop across the planes, save their uber-wizard friend from the Pit of Hell and be back to face down the Apocalypse and the PCs say, “Not going to happen Bob”. Don’t be surprised if they didn’t also rescue Dorothy from Oz and reversed Global Warming while they were at it.

10. Celebrate PC ingenuity: If they found a cool way to kill your uber-monster of the week, reward them, don’t whine about how it was too easy. Also clever and unexpected solutions to problems (in and out of combat) are what players live for, so don’t be a spoil sport about it.

11. Oh and a final note, NO CLUE IS OBVIOUS FOR THE CLUELESS: What is obvious to you is not obvious to your players, remember rule #6.

(i promised to myself…taknak tulis blog dlm english dah..my english is so rotten…terasa macam nak balik sekolah belajar english balik jer…byknya grammar error)

thus….terima la..manglish..

muahahahaha

focus!!!~

semalam tgk video schizophrenia…

well..tgh buat rotation psychiatry..

ader seorg laki muda yg ader complete symptom of schizo…as wut the tutor said..

tu tak kesah la..

tapi…one thing that strikes me is….

silap…many thing that strike me…

org schizo vs haz….

1) dier rase ader org sentiasa perhatikan dier…dari tv yg dier tgk, dier rase ader org tgk dier..well…saya tak schizo..tapi saya tau..ader kuasa yang sentiasa memerhatikan saya….

2) dier rase ader org yg control dier punya mind….dier rase dier mcm puppet, ader org pegang string dari atas dan control aper sajer yg dier buat..

saya rasa ader kuasa yg control apa sajer yg saya buat…saya rasa apa saja yg saya buat atas kehendak dan ketentuan ALLAH..saya juga adalah puppet..tapi boleh jadi puppet mainan syaitan…boleh jadi juga puppet yg ALLAH mainkan…schizo ker saya??

3) dier rase aper yg dier fikir akan diprojectkan ke satu dunia..semua org tau aper yg dier fikir..well…saya juga fikir mcm tu..ALLAH tau apa sajer yg berlaku dalam diri saya…aper saja yg hati saya bisikkan…aperrrrrr sajerrrr…samala kan?? mcm fikiran sy kena broadcast ke dunia luar…cumanya..dunia luar saya adalah ALLAH dan nnt ndi pdg masyar..semua org akan tau aper yg saya buat setiap saat…

4) dier rasa dier on a mission in this world..well..so do i…saya pun on a mission..dah lupa aper mission dier…but my mission is to see uztazyatul (pardon my spelling)….hurm…is that a bizzare idea???

5) org kata…org schizo mungkin blh rasa radio dan tv bagi diorg msg utk mission diorg…decode the words written there and they would get the msg..

i got the msg from Al-Quran too0…and i know..i have to understand It, decode It in order for me to get through my mission….

(mcm byk lagi nk tulis..but its time to get back to books..)

but then…patut la…org zaman jahiliah kata Rasullullah itu gila…

nauzubillah…astagfirullah…

walaupun ader 5 persamaan antara saya dan org schizo..

ader satu perbezaan besar antara kami…

saya percaya pada ALLAH…dan dia tidak..

bagaimana kepercayaan pada ALLAH boleh bezakan saya dan org schizo…

y dont you tell me???

leave a comment and lets turn this into a discussion…

till then…

back to more psychiatry problem….

Matthew 20:20

Then the mother of James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to Jesus with her sons. She knelt respectfully to ask a favor.

Life Lesson

Today’s word (Word Of Reflection Daily) begins after Jesus predicts his death a third time and as he starts to teach about serving others. At this moment James and John’s mother comes to Jesus to ask a favor. In reading today’s passage it says their mother “knelt respectfully”, which to me implies worship. That by kneeling she acknowledged Jesus’ worthiness and expressed reverence. However, the passage then goes further to say “to ask a favor”. In other words, while appearing to offer reverence, she did so but with a concealed agenda and an ulterior motive. Which, was to let her sons sit in place of honor next to Jesus in his Kingdom.

All of us including myself are guilty of this. It could be in the little things. Maybe as small as buttering up your spouse before asking if you can go golfing with the guys or shopping with the gals. Or it might be something more substantial. Something kingdom related, such as going to church or serving in church ministry for the wrong reason. For instance, attending church not to worship and praise the Lord but, more so to gain His blessings and things you want. Or maybe it could be for example serving in ministry to bring focus on self…not out of love, respect, thankfulness, gratitude and obedience to Him.

Hence, my take away today is to continue to do a heart check by asking the Lord to reveal all things not pleasing to Him and then make corrections as necessary. Also, to reflect often on this passage to make sure worship and reverence is first, foremost and always to adore, praise, honor and glorify Him.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
– Albert Schweitzer

It’s easy to talk about Thanksgiving in abstract terms; this whole concept of being thankful should be simpler, but it’s easy for me to get ensnared in the day-to-day drama of living, picking up only the little issues and forgetting to step back, breathe deeply and just feel grateful.

First of all, I live in a free country — a place I can discuss anything like, befriend anyone I choose, love as I see fit and hold any job I desire. I’m free. In all the ways that matter, I’m free.

My loving, supportive family slings an arm around me anytime I’m down. My mom and dad have given me every opportunity to succeed, and the absolute last thing I’ll ever do is fail them. My sister is my best friend in the universe; I can’t wait to grow old with her at my arm, both of us laughing at ridiculous TV shows and running out to get Slurpees whenever we’ve had tough days. My grandparents, Maw Maw, aunts, uncles, cousins — everyone has a special place in my heart. I forget how lucky I am to have a happy, healthy family, but I want that to change.

I’m thankful for a sense of purpose — a tranquility that comes from knowing I have a job where I’m appreciated and validated. I love editing, design and my work for a newspaper, but know in my gut that I’m meant to write — and that passion guides me in everything I do. It reminds me not to take myself too seriously, and all the unpleasant stuff that happens? Yeah, it’ll all wind up in a novel someday. Everything that happens — annoying, awesome, frustrating, fantastic — is making me who I am . . . as a person and a novelist. So I can’t feel angry knowing all this nonsense? Great novel fodder.

And my friends! Whether we met in high school, college, at one of the various jobs I’ve held over the years or through the blogging community, I’m so grateful to share my life with such awesome people — and to share theirs, too. Once upon a time, I so feared being vulnerable to the point that I completely closed myself off, lying to myself by saying I was happier that way. Now more than ever, I see just how untrue that was . . . and am thankful to have learned how to be open to the possibilities of honest friendship. I can’t ever go back to how I was before!

Books make me feel grateful — the added experiences, the shift in perspective. A wonderful book can absolutely change your life, and I’ve found several this year that reminded me what it is to be human. Each one seems to find me at just the right time, just as in Sarah Addison Allen’s The Sugar Queen! There’s no better way for me to step outside myself than to grab a novel and settle in for change. It’s relaxing, invigorating, restorative — basically everything good in the world. Books are just awesome.

I’m thankful for music and the special place it has in my life; I’m thankful that my mother taught me to crochet as a kid, a hobby I love intensely! I’m thankful that I finally got my Etsy business up and running this year, and have so loved making scarves for orders this fall.

The travel I did this year was amazing — and completely put my life in perspective. I started out in London, found myself in North Carolina and recently traveled to California. A different lesson accompanied me on each vacation, and I’m definitely a different person for having gone. I’m thankful that I was brave enough to do what, a year ago, would have seemed totally crazy to me! And I’m very grateful for the friends who were with me on those journeys.

What else am I thankful for? Health. Food. Gainful employment. Love — both lost and found. Humor. Movies. Celebrity crushes. A beautiful sunset. Photography. This blog, and the book blogging community! And you, for sure, for reading this.

Wishing you all a very happy
(and thankful!) Thanksgiving!

BBC News website readers have been sending their comments about plans to teach school pupils in England that domestic violence is unacceptable…. From BBC News. Full story

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The Draft Constitution is out. I am actually elated that it came out this soon and more so because we get to give feedback on what we think. I have just acquired a soft copy version because it would be easier to peruse through it while I do my work on the computer. That is the good part. The bad part I politicians have started running their mouths, spearheading posturing antics that can threaten yet another constitution making process. The scary part other than them not reading the draft first before opening their mouths is that they probably have an audience that is either too illiterate, to ignorant, both, or too tribal to think otherwise. That is what I want to write about today.

First I will let you know where I am at. I have been busy with my thing that has started setting its own agenda and dictating my pace. But even with that, I picked up a copy of the draft constitution so that I can read it and make my own conclusions about what is of contention. I am sure that many sober minded Kenyans are with me on this point. Even the not sober minded have the reality of the 2007 elections to sober them up for long enough read through this document. But I am afraid that things are still the same with regard to thinking for ourselves and not relying on political impulses for decision making.

A few years back, we were in the same place that we are at now. The Bomas draft was out and all the people I look up to for political, civic and legal wisdom were almost content with it. But then the AG took that draft, ran around with it; from Kilifi to Naivasha and I think Kilaguni too. In the end, what he presented for us to vote for at the referendum was not what was produced at Bomas. Being a lawyer, he knew which clauses to “edit” and had done so. The people I look up to said that this was a bad thing for so many reasons. They partly influenced my decision. Largely, I voted no for the draft constitution then because the AG “a lawyer” had run all over the country with this document and all over sudden it was billed as better than the Bomas Draft. I thought not and my gut said NO! So I voted no. Not so much because I read it but because I did not trust it.

And it is all about trust, isn’t it. We must all be able to trust the constitution that governs us. We should not feel that the constitution is skewed towards some interests more than others. I was not so sure that I could trust that constitution that the most sober minded people in the country advised me against. At the end of the day, my choice to vote no was because of this eternally wise quote,

“In any struggle between doubts and certainty, cast your lot with doubt and then proceed with certainty.”

But this year is different. I have the draft with me and will be reading it in bits and pieces for the next three weeks or so. From watching all those lawyer series from Boston, I actually believe that I have in my grasp a pretty good understanding of the law and constitutionality. More important, I understand that all legalese is subject to interruption and hence the reason I need too seek out people who will correctly inform me about those aspects of this draft that are not clear to the naked non-legal eye; the sense beyond the jargon…

Lee Thayer happens to be one of those writers who have greatly influenced my thought process. He wrote, “Pick people who inform you very carefully. They can as readily sink you as save you.”

The last time we had a discourse on the constitution, we as a country picked politicians to inform us. We now have the benefit of hindsight because we know how that ended. I propose a different route altogether this time round. Even before the draft came out, politicians were at it again, posturing for positions that they are pretty sure will be skewed in their favour. And let us be honest, most of these politicians who are already mouthing off are complete idiots. And I do not mean that as an insult, I mean it as a statement of fact. Their only asset is a loud mouth and short memories; that way, they get to shout whatever they want without thinking about it and not worrying about the implications. You and I have to worry because we were the victims of such careless speeches the last time round. So I ask you today, read what you can in the draft constitution and carefully pick who will inform you about those areas you find contentious.

I do not know about you but I have a couple of names in mind when it comes to such analysis.

• Muthoni Wanyeki: She is the epitome of calm, collected, eloquent and supremely intelligent. She’s headstrong and resilient too. She has been in the Civil Society for long enough to understand the implications of most of the issues that we will be seeking clarity on. When it comes right down to it, I trust her. She is watching my back and every time she speaks, I can confidently assert that she is speaking on my behalf.
• Mutahi Ngunyi: I doubt that there is a better political analyst in the country than this man here. He calls it as he sees it and takes no prisoners in his analysis. I advise you to read his columns in the Sunday Nation for the next couple of weeks. I am sure he will have something about this draft that you will need to ponder about. He writes well, is exceptionally intelligent, very wide travelled and has killer anecdotes in his pieces. Lastly, you’ve got to respect his candor.
• Louis Otieno: I like this guy. We would get along if we met. This is the only TV Host that I have followed from station to station. He is now at K24. This man here has the most intuitive interviews in Kenya and possibly even Africa. When politicians shy away from your panel when you invite them, you must be doing something right. WATCH HIS SHOW. H e leaves no stone unturned and will not shy away from asking what needs to be asked. He is no sycophant and his questions always catch the least bright people in his panel napping. No wonder politicians run from his shows.

That is my two cents worth. I really hope that we have learned our lessons. If I could have it my way, I would cut off the tongues of politicians.

Sobriety is needed during this most important juncture in the course of our history.

Keep in mind that progress requires some casualties. I just hope that those who inform you are not politicians and that politicians will be the greatest casualties of this new constitutional dispensation.

]]> http://teachingheadlines.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/lessons-to-curb-domestic-violence/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:12:39 +0000 tellmenews http://teachingheadlines.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/lessons-to-curb-domestic-violence/

Every school pupil in England is to be taught that domestic violence is unacceptable, as part of a new government strategy…. From BBC News. Full story

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Ever hear someone say “I had to take (insert piano, violin, guitar etc…) lessons when I was a kid. Man I hated it!” ? Maybe not.  As a guitar teacher (an angry one at that) I get it a lot.  I guess people need to share their horrible learning experiences with me like they expect me to sympathize  with them or something.  Instead I just wonder if they hated it so much why the hell would they subject their kids to it?

I believe that music appreciation does benefit kids – hell, anyone – but if you think that dragging junior to lessons that he hates is going to do it maybe you ought to re-think the plan.  This is especially true if those lessons happen to take place in a music “Academy” or “Conservatory” or “School.”  Then you’re almost guaranteed to not only turn your child off of music, but also to get ripped off.  Not sure if your music school fits into this category? Here are some signs to check for. Keep in mind that I’ve been teaching at places like these for more than 7 years now.  Jesus.

BROCHURES AND PAMPHLETS

You’ve seen them: kids and their teachers all huddled together over their instruments, all smiling and giddy.  I’ve seen these pamphlets for countless places that I’ve worked at and I have yet to meet any of the motherfuckers I see in the pictures.  Where did they go?  This is just a pile of horse shit.  The glossier the brochure, the worse off you are.

SALES DEPARTMENT/MERCHANDISE

I haven’t found an instrument worth 2 cents that’s sold through a music school.  This is different than a guitar/music store that offers lessons.  They usually do have good gear in there.  Teachers make commission (albeit a small one) on how many books and instruments they can sell.  And since they get paid close to fuck-all, some of them who hip themselves to the game turn into The Donald overnight and push all kinds of shit that kids don’t need or are better off without.  If there is a whole sales department dedicated to selling you shit then leave your wallet at home or you are liable to be jumped.  The bigger the staff, the more they need to sell, and the cheaper the gear is going to be.  I’m not saying you need to buy them a ‘65 Fender Strat, but if you buy a piece of shit guitar you can definitely find one at half the price.

FANCY-TERMED REPORT CARDS LIKE “STUDENT APTITUDE AND PROGRESS EVALUATION”

It may sound ridiculous, but I’m not too far off.  You’ll usually find this with bigger chain-type rackets because a real teacher and musician wouldn’t dream this kind of shit up.  The name sounds silly, and they don’t matter anyways because the grades don’t count.  We (teachers) are instructed to tell the parents how well junior is doing, and he could do much better if we could only do an hour instead of half, and if he only had an electric guitar (see previous point.)  Terms like “talent” and “potential” are good here. Basically they want to hook you into thinking that there’s a little Mozart in there that’s begging to be let out, if only you weren’t such a cheap-ass.

A FANCY PROGRAM

I’ve seen this at gyms too.  It has Phases and roman numerals and Pyramids and Venn Diagrams and all kinds of crap that are designed to rip your face off with how on point this hustle is.  Be especially worried if they came up with an acronym for it too like “M.U.S.I.C.” or “A.S.S.H.O.L.E.” The fact of the matter is that the existence of programs indicates a cookie-cutter approach to teaching.  You have books 1 through 4 or whatever, then you get some dipshit (that would be me) starting on Page 1, Book 1, and finishing on the last page of Book 4.

The only problem is that it’s so fucking boring that only insane people or kids whose parents have a serious hate-on for them make it that far.  They usually last to Book 2, or maybe Book 3 in some cases, but then they smarten up and get out.  Which means that the teachers go through the same 36 songs forever.  There is no flexibility, so how can this be appealing to anyone?

It would be one thing if the books were “Rush for Kids” or “Beginner SRV” but the authors need to avoid copyright infringements (I’m assuming) so they concoct these insipid melodies that are so boring and mind numbing that I literally can’t remember a single title for any of them.  This is what’s going to get these kids into music. The real casualty here are kids who really do have a passion for it.  That initial spark needs kindling and extreme care.  A program like this is like pouring wet turd on it.  Either they’re lucky and get out, or they “stick it out” and play songs like “Go Tell Aunt Rodie” until it’s beaten out of them.

Let’s not forget that it’s terrible for the teachers (i.e. me.)  How can you not go crazy playing the same silly melody, or listen to a kid try to play it, for years on end?  Isn’t that what they were doing in Gitmo? Again, either the teacher is insane, or he’s on his way if he’s been there longer than say a year.

Or he starts a blog. : (

Dancing at the edge

For years, I have time and time again given a nod to the wisdom of the saying ‘life is a journey not a destination’. A nod that translated into something like this:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I totally get that. I mean, I really, really want to experience that. Which is why I am running so fast to get to my destination. So I can relax and enjoy the journey.

In my own dyslexic fashion I truly believed that striving towards some future goal was going to bring greater security to my present moment so that I could relax and enjoy the ride. Periodically life has held me still long enough, captivated me in some way that allowed me to stop, take a breath, and sink into my life – the past and the future collapsing into a moment of watching my children chase their shadows or feeling the sand shift beneath my feet in the shore break. In those moments, I would rest. I would get ‘it’ -  the understanding that life was unfolding exactly as it should.

Then the moment would pass.

I would declare,  “Well that was a great and rejuvenating moment of inspiration. But now it is back to work with me. After all, there are things to be done to make sure that the future contains more of these great moments!”

Tonight I have been reflecting on how the deepest shifts in my way of being in the world sneak up on me. They never arrive from my own efforts. And believe me, I have always  been a sucker for thinking that I might impress life with my industry. In the past, I have even tried the opposite approach. I tried to attract peace by emptying myself of all passions. I tried to earn grace by meditating for hours, stripping my life of all of the things no Spanish-blooded woman should ever deny herself. Things like liquid eyeliner, listening to eighties compilation CDs, playing video games, going dancing, or drinking bowl-sized mugs of coffee and cream every morning.

These days I often resort to wild tap-dancing and doing all of my own stunts. I fling open the door on my fears and sing at the top of my lungs to try to scare them off. All in the hope that life will pay attention and transform those parts of myself that are dragging along unnecessary luggage and clutching an outdated itinerary.

But lately, tap-dancing has been difficult. I prefer to nap.

Doing my own stunts doesn’t work when I am 36 weeks pregnant.

Worrying about failing the opportunities that have been presented to me (such as finishing my masters) has given way to fear of missing a moment with my children. Instead of locking myself away in my room to try to get as much work done as possible, I have wanted to sit and listen to Sol tell me about the creation of ’sand dudes’ (sand dunes) and to show me how fast his ‘ginger turtle’ (ninja turtle) shoes can make him run. When I have hit a wall with the novel, instead of hitting my head against it, I have gone to the beach to dig a hole in the sand, let my belly rest, and watched my children become friends. At night, I curl up on the couch with my husband, lulled like a lizard in the sun by the way he will stroke my feet for two hours straight if I don’t get up and move. I scribble a few notes before falling asleep. The novel comes together line by line and somehow I am beginning to trust that is exactly the way it should be.

For about two weeks I was having nightmares about sharks chasing me out of the ocean. Either that, or I would be standing on the shore watching the surfers convinced that if I paddled out I would drown. In those nightmares I gave up. I said, “The sharks will eat me. I will be attacked, it is inevitable. I don’t have what it takes, I will drown.”

In my dreams, I surrendered to defeat. I allowed myself to be bullied by my fears.

Each time I woke up from one of those dreams, I sat up in bed and declared:

Screw that! I’d rather lose my leg to a shark or swallow a gallon of saltwater. I am not sitting on the shore.

No matter how many sharks there are in the water, no matter how many times the waves will hold me down, I can not give up. So why worry? There is no point in looking down at the shadows moving beneath my feet when there are waves lifting up on the horizon. Worrying about how long a wave will hold me down will not bring me to the surface any faster. And, I am not sitting on the shore. I belong out there, riding above the shadows. I belong beneath the waves holding my breath.

As the days bring us to Joaquin’s birth seem to slip out from beneath me like the tide I realize that there are so many things I could fear but somehow I can’t summon the conviction. I can only summon the gratitude that I am on this journey.

Earth life can be a tough school and the lessons of Earth life and the meanness and cruelty of others can make it challenging for one to maintain their innocence and purity of character. God purity means loving God to such an extent and to such an attunement that no matter how mean or cruel people are, and no matter how tough the lessons of Earth life are, one holds to their unconditional love, faith, trust and patience in God. God purity also means choosing the path of selflessness at all times, never giving into an attack thought, admitting your mistakes when you have made them no matter what the circumstance,  holding to unconditional love and one’s Spiritual ideals at all times, always being the one to apologize when an ego battle has been entered into, being the first to forgive self and others, constantly being vigilant against the negative ego and ever more so the more success you achieve on all levels … It is when all these attitudes and qualities are made manifest that a person demonstrates true unconditional love and purity. Strive at all times to maintain your purity and to not succumb to the corruption, negative ego, glamour, illusion, maya of the lower-self and fear-based reality. This will take enormous consicousness and vigilance on your part, however, the gift and fruit that you will attain is greater than any gift or item you will find in this world. “Be ye faithful unto death and I will give thee a crown of life!” – Jesus. So let it be written. So let it be done.

© 2009 www.IAMUniversity.org