I know what you’ve been going through. I’ve been there before. I know the pain and all the things that you wish wasn’t happening right now. It takes time for all wounds to heal and it will take all your courage not to be defeated by the pain every time it feels sore. You can’t just put things aside but you MUST move on too, forget the past and start a new beginning. I know it may sound stupid but you’re fooling yourself for making the same mistakes. Mistakes are not to be done again and again, you must learn from it on the first occurrence. I love you that’s why I’m doing this. I don’t want to see you crying all the time or thinking so deep that it affects your daily life. I want to see the cheerful you again, the one who knows how to have fun and see beautiful things that no one ever sees. You told me once that life is short, so why waste half of it? You are young, you should be having a blast right now. Enjoy what life has to offer, try to do things you’ve never done, go places you’ve never been, meet wonderful people (there are plenty out there). I want you to be happy. Forget the scars and don’t try to conceal it, let it be where it was but don’t look at it as a negative thing – it means you’re brave enough to let each wound heal. Please be happy. Move on. I love you, please love me back…

Waiting for that day,

Me

Ok…here’s the deal. I know you think you’re about to turn 19 soon and that means you know it all. You probably don’t want to listen to me because I know how you feel about taking advice from adults. Trust me, I know better than anybody.

You’re just going to have to sit down, shut up, and listen to me. It really is in both of our best interests that you do.

Take me for example.

I was you once. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. If you don’t listen to me, then someday you will be me. I would much rather be the me that actually listened to me…and you’re just going to have to trust me that you’d rather be the you that listened to me as well.

I know it’s a bit confusing. Never mind about that. Just listen.

There are choices you are going to be faced with. I would like to help guide you through those choices.

1. In Art School- Enough with the switching majors. Just choose Graphic Design. You are going to go there anyway someday. Wouldn’t it be nicer to get the hard part over while you’re in school and not while you’re juggling all these bills? Yes, painting monsters is more fun…but it’s also not as lucrative. Choose lucrative. Trust me.

2. Don’t take out that private student loan your senior year. I know you hate working at a restaurant. I know. It sucks. You’re just going to have to suck it up and work in a restaurant for one more year. You can do it, I know you can! Do this…and you’ll never have to work in a restaurant again. I promise.

3. There will be times when you have a lot of money, and times when you have practically no money at all. Right now you are in one of your more…shall I say, broke…periods. You know what will make it easier? Instead of spending your money on frivolous crap…just put every extra penny you have into your student loans.

4. Don’t eat out so much. It isn’t healthy, it’s damn expensive, and you’re going to have to run a lot of miles before you can squeeze back into some of the clothes you used to wear.

5. Don’t get your teaching credential. There will come a time when you think it will be a perfect career change. It will seem to make perfect sense at the time. I know it will sound like it will solve all your problems, but it won’t. I know from experience that you a.) don’t even want to be a teacher any more, and b.) there aren’t any teaching jobs anyway.

6. Open a retirement account. Now. I know you think, “But I’m only 19!…why would I be thinking about retiring?”. Here is why: retirement is expensive, right? You want to be a happy old person, right? You want to maybe retire early, right? If you like fun (which I know you do, since I’m you), then you’ll listen to me. It doesn’t have to be much. Hell, even just $50 per month would make a lot of difference over a 10 year period. Just be prepared that in 2008 the economy is going to crash…so maybe invest in safe things right before then.

7. When your Dad goes to Anguilla…just go with him. I know it won’t be convenient and you’ll have to take off of work on short notice, but just do it. You’ll regret not going later, and he’s going to eventually get a different job, which means no more trips to Anguilla.

8. If you followed all the financial advice and you manage to get yourself out of student loan debt by the time you are my age (or at least close to it), my advice to you would be to live frugally, embrace freedom, and live life to the fullest. Don’t waste your time slaving away behind a desk. Those are the things I have to do because I made the mistakes I made. Maybe if you don’t make the same mistakes I did then you (and I) can be doing something truly awesome right now. I fully expect you to treat my words as law. Once you do, this letter I’m writing to you will be very different. I will be thanking you for being responsible, for making good choices, and for living your life to the fullest.

I guess that’s about it. I could go on and on with all kinds of smaller choices you made, but there would be no point to that. Part of life is learning, living, experiencing. I can’t shelter you from everything, and even if I could I don’t know that I would want to because you wouldn’t be the same person, and I like being me.

Still…I hope I can instill these things in you. They are the most important decisions you can make for the next ten years of your life. Please take them to heart.

Sincerely,

You (Me)

Dear myself,

It’s late, I have to go to school tomorrow and you don’t let me go to sleep. But I can’t say I hate you for this. So, right now, I’m writing a letter to thank you for this moment of thinking and maybe I should tell you what you have to do this week. And hopefully you will do everything as I say (or maybe even better).

• do your homeworks but don’t exagerrate with studying;
• finish that drawing you began yesterday;
• read a book;
• make some fashion sketches;
• write some posts here;

and the most important

• be confident, trust yourself, you can do anything if you realy want it!

That’s it, my love. Oh, and don’t forget to try to be happy whatever happens.

Good luck!

Lot of love,

Yourself

If someone gave out awards for personal growth I think you’d have a big medal pinned on your considerable chest this month.

You’ve had some big lessons, some light bulb moments, and a few gongs going right above your head, and at times been dragged kicking and screaming into your new headspace.

You’ve been dealing with a lot of fear and insecurity this month. It seems the further you go into this writing shenanigan the more rewarding it is, yet the more vulnerable and naked you feel. I think you showed up when you posted your butt. You know not everyone sees it that way, and there will always be people waiting in the sidelines to judge you, but you can’t think about them. They don’t matter.

What does matter, is your truth, and being true to who you are…….and of course, having an eye on the prize.

You started this crazy little thing called blog because you needed an outlet and in a few short months it’s shown promise. You can actually do this, Dan, and you could actually do this in a bigger fashion. The difference between a someone who wants to be a writer and someone who is a writer, is writing. It’s not about studying, or about university degrees, or even your old insecurity about not finishing high school, that shit doesn’t matter.
Everybody fears being judged, you’re not unique in that, so what are you going to do?
Sit on the sidelines and watch life?

Writing epic shit. That’s what makes someone a writer.

Doing epic shit is what makes life feel full. You witnessed some seriously epic shit last weekend at the Iron Man in Port Macquarie. You saw fear, you saw pain, you saw determination and you saw brilliant achievement.
That’s the stuff.
That’s living.

That’s the life you want…..and you only get that by doing the things that challenge and frighten you.

Your ebooks are ready to go, and your big launch is happening this week. The process of creation and collaboration needed to pull off that feat in 10 weeks has expanded your mind to infinite possibilities. Possibilities of creating a new direction for yourself that does not involve going back to work in an environment that renders you unavailable for your children.
Don’t be frightened of judgement, because you’re paving this way to create that space.

Anyway, it’s time to take off your granny pants and put your big girl panties on, dude.

Go be epic about your mundane life.

Love as ever,

Me

Everyone is a little curious about what’s in store for them in the future. Some like to read horoscopes. Some venture out and try fortune telling. I came across a CBBC show called Twelve Again, where various presenters/actors/celebrities, etc, are asked about what they were like at that age and what advice they would give their twelve-year-old self. It was interesting to listen to the different bits of advice each person gave themselves.

This is the letter I would write to twelve-year-old self – if time travel existed and there were no risks of causing a paradox or alternate timelines.

*

Dear Twelve-Year-Old self,

Hello! How are you? I know you’re doing well I am the Present Day You, or from your perspective, the Future You. I guess I should start off by saying I’m pretty happy with where I am. There’s still a lot more left to chase after and plenty to figure out but concerning everything I have so far, I’m quite content.

I write this letter bearing some advice and hints of your future life.

First off, don’t be afraid of who you are. I know you’re trying hard to fit in but don’t forget yourself. You don’t need to blend yourself in with everyone else because that’s what’s “cool”. Soon, your little quirks will be what makes you unique in the world – and in a few years time, you’ll notice how “different” suddenly becomes “cool”.

Second. Don’t worry so much about what other people think. Of course, keep listening but it’s also important to know what you think too. I know you’re waiting for a Prince Charming / Fairy God Mother to realise your inner-self, but you don’t need that. Don’t be afraid to do what you want to do. Don’t be afraid to realise this yourself. You can do it

Third. You’re a quiet kind of girl. There’s a reason for that – you’re an introvert! Look up that word when you can. You’ll understand. Also look up 10 Myths About Introverts on the internet. And listen out for an artist called Owl City. All of this helped me understand myself better.

Next. Soon you will be asked questions about “your future.” And I mean, serious questions particularly involving careers. But you’re the type of person who prefers not to think so far ahead into the future. Keep that kind of thinking. Sure, it’s good to think a little about what you’d like in the future, but don’t be pressured into those big details just yet i.e. what degree should I get? What career do I want? You’ve got plenty of time to think about that. There will be some who will tell you it’s important to decide now and if you don’t, the rest of your life will be horribly muddled up and it’ll be the end of the world. Well as you instinctively know… it won’t be. And I can vouch for that.

But for when you do start thinking about the future, give it lots of thought. Keep in mind the kind of thing you’ve always imagined of doing. And don’t think too specifically about what you want as a job/career. Instead, think about what it is you want in life. That will help you answer everything else.

There’s something else I should tell you. The world has some very judgemental and elitist people around. Just be aware of that so you won’t get dragged into it. You won’t but it’s always good to stay alert about these things.

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Mistakes help you to grow. And every experience helps to mold you to become who you are. All experiences are lessons for yourself. Every point in your life, whether good or bad, makes you. You’ll understand this when you develop a whole new outlook and a fresh perspective about life and regrets.

And in regards to this new outlook that you will soon gain… look forward to falling completely in love with life

A few other things…

You know that Mickey Mouse / Donald Duck comic you’ve started? Keep going and keep coming back to it

Keep listening to music and keep expanding your musical tastes. It’ll impact your world like nothing else. (Additionally, it will help you become a formidable competitor at a little future-something called SongPop).

You’ll be naturally petite. Some people can’t help but point that out to you. Some will say so affectionately which will make you feel like a cute pixie but for those who don’t, remember Lady Gaga, Kylie, Song Hye-Kyo and the fictional Tohru Honda are also the same (you’ll know who these people are in a few years time).

I also want to thank you for your great memory. You’ll come to remember a lot of stuff about life, people and everything else – including things which most others will forget! This is useful for remembering those little details… ranging from useful and meaningful to the rather pointless variety!

And finally. If nothing else, just keep doing what you’re doing. Because what ever it is, it gets you to where I am now as the Present Day Me… i.e. Future You! And Future You is pretty happy with where she is right now

Keep loving life.

I know that your philosophy on sadness is that you can’t just stop being sad because someone tells you to. Even if it’s yourself. If you need to cry, go ahead. If you want to pray, be my guest. But once you’re done and your eyeballs have stopped hurting, look at yourself in the mirror. You probably look like crap. Not probably. You do look like crap. How do I know? You and I are ugly cryers. Think of Miss Rhode Island from Miss Congeniality when Gracie took her crown.

Smile. You had your fun, crying your poor little eyeballs out, now smile. Really smile. Laugh at how crappy you look. Now remember. Remember that you have two sisters who will always be there for you. To hold your hand, to give you a hug, or even to slap you across the face if you really need it. You might not be one for talking about your problems, but they will never force you to say anything if you aren’t comfortable with it. They’re perfectly content to just give you a hug. Next, remember that your parents are behind you every step of the way. If you fall,  they will be the first people to rush over and help you regain your balance. If you want them to, they will hold your hand. You always say that all you want to do is to be able to do things on your own, but you forget that you don’t have to be alone in your endeavors. It’s perfectly alright to ask for help.

Remember your titos and titas. Remember your cousins. Your pinsans. Your pinsans who will always be there to protect you. Just like your parents and sisters, they are always there if you need them. They are always, always, always just a text, tweet, or call away.

Remember your friends. Your bonus sisters who will never turn you away in your time of need. Cry to them if you want to. They won’t think any less of you.

You’ve always been the tough, “emotions are for saps” kind of girl, but you don’t have to be all the time. You can let your guard down every now and then to these people. They love you. They’ll miss you if you left. They might even be angry if you did. Because that would mean that you’ve been keeping your sadness to yourself for all these years. They’d feel betrayed that you didn’t trust them enough to tell them how you felt.

So stop being so sad, little girl. Think of what’s to come. Think of these people, and remember that you don’t have to be alone.

I don’t know what to say.  Maybe you should sit down.  Yes, sit us both down to read this letter.

First of all, I know where you are right now, at sixteen.  I know what’s going on.  You feel conflicted and confused, and hurt.  You’ll go seeking ways to soothe this.  Forgive and move on.  It’s easy to say, but you should do this earlier than I did.

You have three beautiful children (aren’t you glad you’re sitting down?) and have many accomplishments under your belt, and so much more to do.

If I have some advice for you, my dear, it’s about pursuing your dreams.  Who knows better than I that you aren’t sure of your dreams yet … they haven’t come into focus for you.  That’s okay.  What I mean is do what you love.  Go after the things you love with all your might.  It’s okay if you don’t get them. Aim really fucking high, too.  Higher than I did.  You like to dance, you like to be on stage, you like to write.  Do a lot more of this.  Study languages and spend more time abroad.  Do something important each day and make it your life’s work.

Listen to your internal voice and not the voices of others.

Love as hard as possible.  Dash yourself against those rocks.  I could tell you who will break your heart, but heartbreak is universal to the human condition.  It happens.  You’ll be okay.

When you fall off a horse, that horse or any other … get back on.  And wear a helmet.

Be as kind as you can to the people you are honored to have cross your path, for we are all carrying a heavy load.
Much love,

You

P.S.  Write.

Listen to your Mother.  She really does know what is best.  She wants to save you years of pain.

You are a good girl.  You are so talented. Always remember  you can be anything you want to be.

Believe in yourself and never ever let anyone hurt you.  You are stubborn so I know you will not listen

but I want your life to be whole once again and not filled with so much sadness.  Love yourself .

Love @ Peace

Eunice @ 56

As I was reading through this list, I found some things I’ve done (going to the ballet, donating blood), some things I want to do (travel to Iceland, ride in a hot air balloon), some things I didn’t know I wanted to do but now I do (see the Northern Lights), and some things I would probably never do (climb a fourteener, raise a steer for beef). But one thing on the list was something I’ve done and something I would recommend to anyone, anywhere, at any time. #35: Write a letter to myself to be opened in 10 years.

In college, I didn’t really build the greatest relationships with my professors, mostly because I never went to class. But there was one professor that I actually made an effort to go to class for and I learned a lot from him. Dr. B wasn’t always the most serious professor, but the classes were interesting and somewhat non-traditional and he expected a lot from me. When the bar is set high, I’ll take on the challenge. In most all of his classes, he devoted one day to looking forward, reflecting on what you want out of life, and discussing our career plans. We had to make lists of things we wanted to accomplish, places we wanted to go, what kind of family we want, what kind of job we want, what kind of social/spiritual/philanthropic activities we want to be engaged in, etc. Which naturally I loved, because I got to make lists. The second part of that though was to write yourself a letter, put your parents’ address on the envelope, seal it, and turn it in. He kept these in boxes in his office labeled with dates 2 years out. And every semester, he mailed these letters to the students who had written them 2 years before.

I got my letter in the fall of 2011. I was living in Mobile, feeling really lost and not knowing what I was doing with my life. And then I got this letter. From me. And let me tell y’all, it was weird. College Caitlyn was writing to Current Caitlyn and she had some pretty good things to say. She reminded me that I had big dreams, that when I was graduating college I knew I was going places, I wasn’t going to settle. She reminded me that I had forgotten some things that were important to me.  And it was just a little creepy how prescient this letter was. College Caitlyn apparently knew that Future Caitlyn might wander a little and need a kick in the pants. It took me a few days to really get over the time warpiness of the whole experience.

I think it might be about time to write myself another letter – and you should try it too! You can set whatever time frame you want. Maybe you’re planning a life change – getting married, moving, starting grad school, whatever. Maybe you’re in a really good place in life. Maybe you’re working through something tough. Wherever you are, I think it’s really awesome to write it down. Write down what you want life to be like, what makes you happy right now, where you want to go, what your dreams are. And then tuck it away. Come back in a few months, a year, 5 years and check-in. Did you make it where you wanted to? Are you the person you want to be? It’s pretty cool to hear your own words, to remember who you were and who you are, to recalculate your route after checking the map. College Caitlyn had some good insights for Two-Years-Into-Her-Career Caitlyn. Maybe Colorado Caitlyn will have some good advice for Next Year Caitlyn.

What can I say, I know it all…or at least I like to think that I do. I know that you’re writing a manifesto and that can be sort of tough. I mean obviously it isn’t difficult if you know what you’re going to write about or what you are going to ask people to do but in case you don’t, in case you need my wonderful voice-over to direct you through the hardships of life.. well here goes:

1. A manifesto is not just something on a blog.

A manifesto must be on a topic that you are passionate about, something that drives you and compels you to force people to understand, to change and to view the world like you do.

2. A manifesto must have a call to action.

A manifesto is not a manifesto if it does not help the reader fix the problem. This is not just a post where you can rant and rant about any little thing that comes to mind. This is YOU telling someone that they are doing something incorrectly and here are the ways to fix it.

3. A manifesto has no structure.

Unless it does, any which way you chose to write it, it will be done in that way.

4. A manifesto involves research.

You can’t obtain a good solid reason for why such and such should be changed if you don’t know why it should be. YOU must be the provider of information and in order to have that information you must research your topic.

Well, little old, me…the next step is to simply find what you have a passion about. What do you want to change?! Go out, find out and do it. You are the beginning for change. Start the movement, yada yada yada…you get where I’m going with this….

GOOD LUCK

Love,

Me (:

The other day I started to read a blog that my friend had posted a link to on Facebook. It’s the story of a mother who lost her 18-year-old adopted daughter in a car accident and then stumbled upon her journal after her death. After starting to read the girl’s journal entries, the grieving mother felt compelled to respond to her. The blog contains each of the girl’s journals and the mother’s response by way of letter. It’s a beautiful blog, and I would encourage everyone to go read it.

I mention this because when I read the girl’s first entry, I was taken aback with how well I could identify with it. This girl was going through so much strife, she felt so alone in the world, so unworthy; all I kept thinking was,” I know exactly how she’s feeling. I was there. I was that girl.”

I kept thinking, I wish I could’ve known this girl. I wish I could’ve told her everything I know now. I wish I could’ve been her friend.

Then I started to think about the girl I was when I was feeling those same emotions. I had spent so much time feeling like an outsider, a disappointment, a failure. I was so alone. I started wishing the girl I am now could’ve been friends with the girl I was then. I wondered what I would say to myself if I ever got the chance. Then, like I always do when I feel some big emotions stirring inside of me, I decided to write.

I had a few minutes in between classes yesterday, so I pulled out some paper and pen and I just started writing to myself. I was nearly late to class because I couldn’t make myself stop, the words just kept flowing out of me. It was such a cathartic experience.

I love writing letters. I think there’s something so emotional about writing directly to someone, even if you know they’ll never be able to read it. I think there’s something really beneficial to the soul to be able to put everything that’s in your heart down on paper, without all of the messiness and interruptions of a dialogue. Thinking back on all of the letters I’ve ever written, I think they might be some of the best, most honest things I’ve ever written.

This letter that I’ve written to myself is not meant to be anything more than it is. It’s all the things I wish I could tell that lonely 15-year-old girl. It’s not meant to be judgemental. It’s not meant to be life-changing. It’s just meant to be one girl putting her heart down on paper for the benefit of another. So, here it goes:

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Dear 15-year-old Jessica,

Goodness, I don’t even know where to begin. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. I don’t think you could even imagine how much you will learn and change in the next four years. Honestly, if we met today, you would probably be wondering who the heck this crazy girl is…but I don’t really want to talk about me.

I know, let’s talk about that boy you like. You’re going to start dating him in a few months (Yes, really!), and it’s going to be one of the most exciting parts of your high school experience. He’s your first real boyfriend, the first boy to ask you to be “his”, the first boy to call you beautiful. It’s wonderful, but it is going to end (and sooner than you would like). Before that happens, I desperately need you to know something: this boy will not, and never could, validate you. Dating him will not give you worth. At all. Ever. Just because he chooses to give up on you does not mean that everyone else will.

I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t get any easier any soon. There will be more boys who decide you’re not worth it, more people who choose to walk away. You will be hurt in ways that you didn’t even realize you could be hurt. But I’m not writing this letter to overwhelm you with the darkness to come. I’m writing to tell you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. The people who hurt you, who turn away, make that choice of their own accord. That is not your fault. There is not something intrinsically wrong with you that is driving people away. There just isn’t. 

I promise you, what those people think of you does not determine your value. Building your foundation on the opinions of others is only going to lead to more devastation. You are worth more than that.

I know that you often wish you could be different. If only you were prettier, or funnier, or smarter, or more interesting, then people would want you. You feel like you’re so broken that you aren’t really worth loving. That is not true. You have a beauty, a shining light in you that makes you special and unique…no, more than that, valuable.

It’s something that you were created with, and it can’t be diminished. I know that right now, it feels like your light is being smothered by darkness, but I also know that you sense its presence in you. You can feel something of value in you, and you’re crying out for someone to see it, to tell you how special it is.

Well, I can honestly tell you that someone already does see your light. He’s seen it all along, and He loves you for it. He’s given everything of himself to be able to call you “his.” He will heal you with His love. You might be confused by this, or you might be rolling your eyes at me, but one day you’ll understand.

I want to reiterate something. The emotions that you’re feeling, the pain, they’re not wrong. You don’t have to be ashamed of who you are. In the last two years, I’ve learned that everyone is struggling with something. We all put on these pretty little masks and pretend like our lives are completely neat and tidy. That just isn’t true. Everyone has some kind of ugly, messy business they’re dealing with. You are not nearly as alone as you think you are.

Please remember, you do not have to be perfect to be loved. The people in your life that matter will not turn away from you…and that isn’t me just trying to be sentimental or inspiring. In the next four years, you will end up sharing your struggles and your pain with several people in your life, and I promise you don’t scare them away. Not everyone is going to give up on you. 

I don’t think you could ever understand how much I wish I could know you. I wish I could be your friend, and that we could spend countless hours talking about these things. Sadly, time travel hasn’t been invented just yet. So for now, all I have are my words. I hope that you see them for what they are: sincere and loving. They’re pieces of my heart that I’ve had to regain throughout this journey of life.

I hope you find comfort in the fact that everything I’ve said has not come from some random person who has no idea what you’re feeling. I know what you’re feeling exactly. I am you, and one day, you’ll be me. How awesome is that?

All My Love,

Jessica

From Emily Freeman:

This younger generation is all around us, but sometimes we forget the types of things they are thinking and walking through. As a way to introduce my new book, Graceful, I wanted to encourage my peers to remember what it was like to be sixteen again.

Perhaps writing a letter to ourselves will help us to see the people who are sixteen still. And maybe be moved with compassion on their behalf. 

To me, at 16:

Hey there younger me.

First, I have to answer a question you’d probably ask right away: at the age of 22, you will still be single. You’ll also have 3 fun, adorable niece and nephews, a rockin’ rest of your family, quality friends, a church you love, a college degree, and some great stories to tell. Your singleness will not define you.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I have some other things you should probably know.

You’re going to make a really difficult, but necessary choice about some friendships in the near future. I’m still proud of you for that. It’s going to suck a whole lot at the time, but trust me–it gets better. And because of your choice, you’re going to become friends with some incredible people, who you will make wonderful memories with. Be excited.

Though your college decision process will feel more like an UNdecision, it’s going to land you exactly where you’re supposed to be. Your four years there will be so full of joy at times you’ll think you might explode, and, truthfully, so full of sadness and disappointment you’ll think you might shatter. Neither of these things will happen; they will work together to make you a better person. You will learn SO. MUCH. In the classroom, but even more out of it. You’re going to learn a lot about yourself, like that you don’t like change but handle it better when you personally have a say in it, and that you value loyalty and honesty very highly, which can lead to disappointment. These may feel like flaws sometimes, but it’s how you handle them that counts.

You’ll do some stupid stuff, like staying up far too late and bailing on studying for exams to go sledding. You’ll do some really cool stuff, like visiting London and Edinburgh. (You’re going to love it. You’ll also throw up at the South Kensington tube station, your plane will get delayed 6 hours and another flight will get cancelled, yet you will count the trip as one of the best experiences of your life. As you should) You’ll do some boring, tedious stuff, like hours of data entry because you need the money. And you’ll love some of it, and hate some of it. You’ll learn from some of it, and be completely baffled by some of it. And that’s ok.

Now, some things I wish I would’ve known when I was your age:

Keep writing. It may not be necessary to post every thought and frustration on your Xanga, but write them somewhere. When you abandon Xanga for Facebook, write somewhere else. Even if no one else will ever read it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Get over the little annoyances and take a look at the bigger picture. When you’re 22, a lot of that stuff won’t matter.

Read read read. Not just the fluffy, entertaining stuff–read the stuff you have to slog through at times, but will expand your mind and teach you things you need to know.

Learn to let go. It’s okay that some of those friendships from high school and college won’t last; the ones that DO last are the ones that really matter.

Pay attention now; this is the most important thing to know:

Even when things suck, God is at work. You might not always see it, but I’ve seen things you won’t know when you’re in the thick of a mess. He’s working it out.

“He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.” ~Colossians 1:17

Really; they do. It’ll tick you off sometimes when people throw Bible verses at you, but know why they do it? Cause those Bible verses are true. And sometimes you need it.

It’s all working together.

Sincerely,

The older, hopefully wiser,

~Brianna!~

Amanda,

This is so odd writing to you, a tall clunky fourteen-year-old, with the benefit of knowing your future.  Here I sit at 37 after going to law school and birthing babies and drinking an Americano with three raw sugars, all wise and sage and dolling out advice.

And yet nothing I say about treasuring the moment and “you are beautiful even though you don’t know it yet” and all other forms of motherly wisdom will mean much to you now. The reality for you is today, not tomorrow, and no one heeds advice to treasure today.

So I’ll say this instead:

(1) Lose the damn Coca-Cola shirt.  I know they’re popular.  I know you begged for one.  I know that everyone is wearing it.  Well girlfriend, trust me they are the dorkiest thing that hit that century and you don’t want pictures loitering around in thirty years that will forever be hitting facebook.  Wear it for pajamas, if you must.  But no photos.  Got it?

(2) What is facebook, you ask?  Well the minute you hear that word in your future you invest gobs of money into it and screw the haters.

(3) Please for the love of bacon don’t get bangs.  If you ignore me on this and do get the wretched things, don’t hairspray them up five layers.  Can’t you just leave them alone? And when you end up at a cosmetology school because “it’s cheaper” and “no one will notice,” trust me.  They will.  Use your best negotiation skills to get your hair cut at a real salon.

(4) And speaking of salons, you march in this very minute and tell your mother that home permanents are unacceptable.

(5) Save your jewelry.  All those fun James Avery pieces will forever be lost and you’ll miss them someday.  Put that jewelry in a safe.  I’m pointing my finger at you from your future.

(6) Letter jackets are irrelevant and useless and ugly.  When you hit college no one ever cares about them, so don’t stress about whether it’s a varsity jacket or whether it has patches.  Seriously – waste-o-time.

(7)  Read more classics. If you take nothing else away from this little lecture, you at least need to spend more time buried in literature.  Jane Eyre aside, you are behind, girl.  In the future you’ll have to play catch up, but then you’ll have kids and a mortgage and would rather be at the beach.  Read like a crazy person.

(8)  Someday your prince will come.  He will be tall and handsome and will take your breath away.  Take comfort in it.

(9) When you think your mother is old-fashioned and ridiculously strict and is the most evil and naive person on the planet, you will someday turn into her. So you might want to bring her flowers once in a while.  She ain’t that bad.

(10) You will soon have the urge to sew a Guess jeans label onto a pair of Levi’s in an attempt to fit in with the cool crowd.  You will be very impressed with yourself in coming up with this strategy and feel no one will notice.  But the label will come unraveled and cause a certain girl to point at you when you stand up in class and you’ll forever be stained with the humiliation of this day.  So spare yourself.  Just rock the Levi’s.

So yes, yes.  You’re secretly beautiful and you make really smart decisions moving forward.  Treasure today and soak in the youth and blahbitty blah.  But I swear you need to start plucking your eyebrows and quit wearing gobs of mascara.  And those warts on your legs?  Sister, they will go away.

What remains after the warts and the letter jacket is a really happy person all these years later.  You will go through trials of many kinds, but you’ll be prepared.  Thank God every day.  You’ll need it for tomorrow.

Love,

Mwah

I sent a letter to my fifteen-year-old niece, Sarah, this week. What do you write to a teenager? It was hard for me to know. We live over six thousand miles apart, and we aren’t that close, yet she’s on my mind a lot. Coincidentally, on the day after I sent it, I came across Emily Freeman’s blog, her new book to young women, and her invitation for readers to write letters to themselves as teenagers. I loved the idea, so I wrote another letter, first to put myself back in the mindset of a young adult in order to better relate to Sarah, but also to see what would surface when I revisited such a pivotal point in time. Here’s a bit of what I found. I have a feeling that the next time I write to Sarah, I’ll find it easier to be more natural. Especially if I revisit this photo before I start:

Dear Jacqueline,

Since I’m using your given name, I know I’ve got your full attention. I know this because I am you at (nearly) twice your age. Surprise! Also, I’m not quite sure which spelling of your short name to use. You see, in an unfledged attempt to assert your independence as a college freshman, you announced that you would henceforth be known as ‘Jacqui‘ instead of ‘Jackie.‘ Our dad is the only person who still spells it the old way. I know! I thought you might find that interesting. And yes, of course I still love you. 

I am writing this letter because I think we both could have used it at your age. You resent when people think they know how you feel, but bear with me. I remember. I was there. I’ll tell you just enough to offer you encouragement and comfort without giving too much away. 

Certain days as a teenager can feel like the textbook definition of hell. People blame it on hormones and confusion, mainly. The fact is, you’ve dealt with some real life stuff without the emotional intelligence to sort it all out. And that can feel pretty heavy. Believe me when I say that everything will become more manageable, which is just a more realistic way of saying it’ll get better. Not easier. But better, because with time, you will come to understand the value of life and the very relationships that you are struggling to sort out at such a fragile age. 

“Will I ever feel comfortable in my own skin?” you wonder. Nobody feels comfortable in her own skin at your age, and if she says otherwise, she’s lying. Awkward appearances (and peculiar upbringings) can be painful, but they can also build character. Two things on appearance before we move on: 1) You’ll get that unibrow in ship-shape before you graduate, without the need to over-tweeze (see the photo above as proof – you were seventeen there). 2) In a decade, you’ll miss the days when you didn’t need a bra, so put away the padding and embrace what you’ve got, girl!  

On our dad: One day soon, you will appreciate his austere, erratic method of parenting and his mysterious sense of style (yes, even the hair pick he keeps in his back pocket to periodically tease his perm). In fact, you might even come to view him as eccentric, which is a hell of a lot more exciting than average. When it feels like you two will never see eye to eye, have faith. You will grow up, he will grow older, and eventually you’ll be able to have a beer together. 

On our mom: The memories are going to fade, but hold tight to what you can recall. I know that the loss feels huge right now. Especially during a time when you probably need her the most. In a few years, you’ll start to meet other people who have also lost a parent, and this commonality will create bonds quicker than you can imagine. The true healing process begins when you decide that you’re ready. And you will.

On John, our younger brother: Be kind to him. Chill out on the criticism. You both wonder how you could possibly be related when you seem so fundamentally different, but you have a lot more in common than you think. Though you probably won’t ever miss sharing a bathroom with him, you’re going to miss other things. Trust me. He’s using your overpriced shampoo even when you hide it because he’s your younger brother, and that’s part of his job. (Why are you spending so much money on shampoo, anyway? Buy a book!) As adults, you’ll live in different states, then in different countries, but even across the miles, you’ll be relieved that John shares your memories, good and bad, and you’ll have a hilarious time recalling many of these memories with him. 

On family: There is no such thing as perfection. Yours is pretty great, in all of their dysfunction, and they do love you. You love them, too. Tell them. 

On friends: Your friends are also your family, and the good ones you have now will stick by you through thick and thin, even when you pick fights for trivial reasons. Hold tight to the time you have. These days are like gold, and so are these friends. 

On quitting: You will regret the decision to quit music, but you’ll never regret the decision to give up smoking. About this, our dad was right.  

On college and careers: Your path will look like a checkerboard. The rest is a surprise. My only advice is to carve out more time for creativity. You will feel much more like yourself.

On the opposite sex: At fifteen, you’re spending a lot of time wishing boys would notice you. When one finally does, it will terrify you, and you’ll spend the next several years guarding your heart with your life. Part of me wants to tell you to let go, to take a chance, but another big part of me is glad that you were defensive. Don’t worry too much. You’ll put down the defenses when the time is right. 

On you: You are gifted, sensitive, and smart. Resist the temptation to compare. It’s a killjoy! The world has room for all of us, and you have a divine responsibility to be exactly the way you are. 

Wear sunscreen. Study abroad. Ask for help sooner. And stay curious.

Love,

Me.

First of all, I have to apologize for all my unkind comments I tell you.  That little voice that masquerades as me…well, you can tell me to shut up.  Sometimes fear gets into my head and does nasty comparisons.  Just ignore them.  This letter to you is very hard because in many ways, I haven’t changed.  We’ve stayed the same and I’m not sure that is a good thing.  But there are some wise words that I might pass on to you to make high school a bit more enjoyable.

Let’s talk first about what you really want to know.  The answer is No.  Unfortunately you never find out too much more about your adoption.  You will learn more, much more about your birth mother and eventually have compassion on her simply because you had kids yourself.  Yes you do.  Forgiveness does not happen in a day and only through time and the grace of God will it become clear enough for you to even entertain thoughts about her.

Tell God about it.  Scream at him.  Cry loudly.  Write long letters of hate.  He can take it.  Life is unjust and unfair.  It is.  But there is good.

Try to spend more time looking for the good in your situation than the bad.  There are other adopted children.  You were meant to be.  The sooner you embrace that the sooner you’ll be on your way to happiness.  You were meant to BE.

Do not fear Wanda.  You can stop looking over your shoulder or waiting for the ball to drop.  Your parents, they love you and so does your family.  But even better you make a great best boyfriend that you marry.  He will love you unconditionally.  Believe it.

Accept that somethings you will never know about.

Your birth father will remain a mystery.  Perhaps you at 50 will know more but for now, you have peace.

Your ringette team that won! You are front far left! Love the mullets…

And before you play volleyball this year go get a better bra.  Yes, it’s worth the extra change.  Your sports days will thank you for it.  The girls need to be braced in tight to run and jump.  You have to work hard to make the team but you do, and your little small town team goes big!  Enjoy!

The style of hair will change after you graduate and you’ll no longer have to get a perm. Yay!  Straight hair will take over and honestly for the last 23 years it hasn’t really changed.

The boys that you like right now are young and not interested.  Time to move on and stop dwelling on them.  One of them is still not married so you were good to shake him out of your system.

You are beautiful in your grad dress and thoroughly enjoy the graduation dance.  Enjoy the dance.  I know that mom and dad don’t approve, but they know that you had fun and were a good girl.  Big note, do NOT rip up the valedictorian speech.  I know it wasn’t the creative slam poetry that you wrote but remember that you live in a small close-minded town.  They weren’t ready for creativity.  So keep the paper that Mrs. K wrote so that you at least have some momento of that night.

The class predicts you will marry a farmer and have 5 kids.  They weren’t far off my ambitious lawyer wanna be.  And so much joy will come from your life that it can’t be described in words.  Sometimes prose comes close.  You’re not ready to hear about your beautiful children and your life on the farm, but I will tell you this.

Raising your family will absolutely be the most satisfying and important thing you will do in your whole life thus far.  Much better than the corporate career you dream of.

So, I guess you know that mom is sick.  In fact she’s got cancer.  I want to hold you when you hear the news but you will be supported.  Life will seem to spin crazy and upside-down and everything chaotic.  Stand on your rock.  Pray, pray, pray.  HIS peace will fill you supernaturally.  Ask her questions about your life and hers.  Cherish it and stop being a grumpy teen.  No regrets.

Lastly, please keep playing the piano.  Those fingers on the keys will be your way of salvation when you fall into the shadowy depths.  Music is your gift.  I know that you don’t have time to commit to hours of practice but perhaps spending less time fussing with the spiked bangs and a 15 minutes of Beethoven might do you good.  Biggest surprise, you will actually teach piano for a while.  Yes, and sing and play in church.  But in the privacy of your home the sounds of the past will lift your spirit and be a source of peace.

Be brave,  you are meant to BE.

Love, Your Self at 38

ps.  Sweet Valley High books are so far from reality it ain’t funny.  Stop reading them!

p.s.s.  You and T are still best friends.  Cool eh?

Wanda and Teresa – age 15 BFF

Dear Me-at-sixteen,

The truth is, I feel almost as tongue-tied addressing you as you feel trying to address other teenage girls – as I still feel, often, trying to talk to teenage girls. Be comforted, though: most things, including your face, hair, clothing, and general conversation will become less awkward. Eventually.

You’re forever looking for a sibyl to read the writing on the yet-unturned leaves of your life. You’ll keep looking, you know. I don’t want to be that sibyl, because I think the wondering is important. Learn to wonder and yet be content: you know the One who wrote the pages you have yet to turn. You know He is good.

You’ll learn that He gives grace for each today.  As far as lies in you, there is no grace for any of the tomorrows, but as soon as they become “today” there will be grace – from Him, of course, not from you.

You’re still resisting growing up, too, but sometimes you try to imagine it. Let me just tell you: girl, you have NO idea!

All your life, you’ve done everything first. Now your brothers are beginning to grow tall, and you’ll find them begin to go ahead of you in other ways. Refer to my previous advice about grace for each today.

If I could, I’d teach you to be less afraid of life, to let your personality show more often, to laugh and even have opinions. But, knowing you, the only thing I’m accomplishing here is to make you more afraid: you’re trying so hard to imagine the things I won’t tell you, and your imaginings are wrong, and you don’t have grace for those tomorrows yet, anyway.

You’re a good listener, though, so listen when I tell you – and I’m serious here, speaking from experience – it’s going to be good.

Rest there, and enjoy your red-carpeted room with the octagon windows. I miss that room.

Stacy

to bequeath your heart

when it threatens to slip away,

Beware!

question the urge to let it rule you

think hard

before abandoning dearly held plans

cause hearts are fickle

people grow

choices  mature

wants change

infatuations don’t remain forever

on coming awake

as you search in the

shambles of your life

for the unheeded young dreams

that  flew the nest

when you slept cocooned in desires bed

you miss them!

Dear Me

Missing Dreams – is written as a response to the prompt at we write poems  this week . It said:

If you could go back in time and impart a bit of wisdom to your sixteen year old self, what would you say? As a quick example, one of Langston Hughes’ most famous poems might be the very piece of wisdom he would tell his sixteen year old self. Hold fast to dreams, For if dreams die Life is a broken winged bird, That cannot fly!

The prompt was  very interesting!Don’t you think? Full of creative possibilities.

If you could time travel and leave advice for ‘the sixteen year old’ You. What would it be?

Buck up.  No one else gets to say this, and that’s a good thing.  But you?  You get to say it because: 1) You don’t say it with that exasperated misnomer that depression is fake and 2) YOU have lived through the years of dealing – you’ve earned the right.  So buck up.  This day (or week) is going to feel like forever while you’re in it, but like a blip that it is two weeks later.  It WILL go faster in the now if you try to face The Depression with a smile.  You’ll be fine.

Oh, and ignoring your basic needs like food and creating and clean clothing?  BAD IDEA, STUPID.  Don’t do it.  Ignoring the world has never made it go away, why would you ever think that ignoring YOURSELF would be successful?  Go eat. Scrapbook (especially in your journal and therapy album, that’s what they’re there for!).  And for goodness sake, do a little laundry (even if you don’t really need to).  The smell of warm, clean clothing ALONE is going to make today so much better.  And tomorrow when you wake up and your freshly laundered clothing is neat and organized in your drawers.  Oh, and go re-organize your book shelves.  You KNOW nothing makes you happier than being surrounded by piles of books, so why not just tear it all down and do it all up again?  Tell me that won’t make you smile.

Write a letter to Bex.  She knows your brain inside and out, even across a freaking ocean.  And she loves you completely.  She’ll know just what to say.

Call Celeste.  Tell her that it’s a bad day.  She knows your brain inside and out, even a thousand miles away.  And she loves you completely.  She’ll know just what to say.

DON’T call Dal.  Ever.

DON’T drink.  You’ve never touched a drop of alcohol and it is NOT WORTH IT to ruin the record and get screaming drunk (because you so know that once you drink one, you’ll drink more) just in the name of making the feelings “go away.”  Which they won’t.  They’ll just exacerbate while you’re drunk if you’re lucky (which wouldn’t be that lucky after all, since that could easily lead to cutting) or be repressed for an evening and comeback worse than ever tomorrow if you’re not so lucky.  If you’re REALLY unlucky, well, let’s not think about it.

Speaking of not thinking about it: DON’T OBSESS.  I know, it’s like telling you not to breathe.  I get it.  But obsessing on today of all days is pretty much the worst thing you can do.  So try your hardest not to.  Please.

It SHOULD go without saying that you shouldn’t be cutting on these days, but I’ll repeat it for safety’s sake!  DON’T CUT.  You’re over four and a half years now, don’t ruin it!  Hold your elbows and curl up in a ball if you have to.

DON’T call Sal.  You and he are still very much trying to figure out if you can make being friends work.  He can’t be your go-to when you’re feeling super crazy anymore.  I know, that sucks.  Especially since he was the one that was there during your first time really awake and off the meds.  But that Sal and the one you’re trying to be friends with now are not the same person and neither are you.

DON’T scroll through your phone looking for people to call.  It just depresses you to know that most of your friends are 1) not available or 2) not close enough to be the one you can call on these days.  You only have a couple close friends, but they’re really good friends.  Be happy that you have them.

DON’T wish you could call Bex.  That just depresses you, too.  She’s there for you through the 1′s and 0′s.  In some ways, that’s better than calling.  In some ways, it’s worse.  Be happy you have it at all.  If you REALLY need to hear her voice, send her a voice mail via e-mail and she’ll reciprocate.

Go outside.  You don’t shut down when you’re depressed.  It’s just one of the big swings in which you have the capacity to feel!  Go experience it.  Feel the breeze, touch a flower petal, soak it in.

Cry.  Let yourself cry.  Don’t worry that you look a mess or that you get a ginormous headache.  Just cry.  And then get some Diet Coke to help the headache go away.

Turn on the air conditioning/heater and lay down on the carpet.  Run your fingers through the shag.  Feel.

Work on the books on tape for your nieces and nephews.  Do something for someone else.  Love them.  And get excited about it!  (But only after you’re done crying.  It will not do anyone any good to have a book read in a watery, sniffly voice (unless that’s a character trait – use what you’ve got in that case).)

Remember who loves you.  Remember that you have more nieces and nephews than you know what to do with some days.  They’re wonderful.  And sweet.  As are their parents.  Don’t discount how wonderful it is to have a big family–even if they are far away.

Watch Classic Disney and live Tweet your snarky comments about it.  Don’t watch a RomCom.  If you HAVE to deal with a real-people flick, watch a shoot ‘em up.  It’ll make you feel better.  And the unrealistic gore will make you laugh and yell all at once.  Live Tweet your snarky comments about that one, too.  You have an unlimited supply of snark.  This is a good day to dip into that well.

Read a book.  Read Thurber or Juster or Kitto or Riordan or Mull or something ridiculous.

Write it all down. Pour it onto the page.

Joie, just be you.  Bad days usually result from being unhappy with you.  So, just be you.

Deal?

You’ll feel better, I promise.

Joie

P.S. Don’t forget that Joie means joy.  You mean joy.  Find it, hold it, and don’t forget that in a few days you won’t have to stretch so far for it.

The project has a Facebook page up and running which can be found here: 
https://www.facebook.com/iamfireworkmentalhealth
 I’m asking all of my readers to take a few minutes and take a look at what Casey is doing. Clicking the ‘like’ button is very much appreciated!

You can also find them on twitter here: 
https://twitter.com/firework_iam

And, of course, the blog can be found here: 
http://iamfirework.com/

And now, without further ado, my letter to myself:

Dear Me,

How are you doing? It’s been a while since we last talked. I feel sad that we don’t talk as often as we should. I know it’s hard, there are so many distractions in life, so many other things always going on.

I know it’s also hard to hear me over the other guy. He never shuts up. He’s loud and never stops making his thoughts known. But it doesn’t matter, how loud and obnoxious he gets, I’m still there.

And I know.

I know the truth. The truth the other guy tries to hide and that you can’t or won’t accept most of the time. When you’d rather hide away from the world or feel like the most unloved person that’s ever lived, I am still there and I still know the truth.

And the truth is that I see what other people see, what you never let yourself see. I see how you are connected to everyone else, I see how you are an important piece to those around you and I see that you matter.

I see that the world is a better place because you are in it and that you would be missed by more people than you can imagine.

I know it’s not always easy to see this or to accept it, when you feel so lost, drowning in a torrential sadness. But it’s still true.

It’s true even during all of the horrible dark times and black places that you’ve been through.

It’s true yesterday and its true tomorrow.

I see you, the way others see you, all the good things, all ways that you make the world a better place.

You are not a bad person. You are not a worthless person.

No matter how bad it may be, no matter how much in may hurt, no matter how much you may just want things to end, I’m still here in the quiet place in the back of your mind. If you really listen you can hear me remind you of the truth.

You matter.

To yourself, to your family, to your friends, to more people than you can really even comprehend.

You matter.

Take good care of yourself and try not to listen to other guy.

All the best,

Me

“Dear future Amanda.

I know you will go through many things. But, you need to change some things in your life before they consume you. For instance, there are some relationships that you need to sever right now. They will cause you harm later. Take your medication religiously, no matter how they make you feel. At the first sign of nausea, go see you Nephrologist, there might be something he can do. Stay away from all GP’s! Teach your kids now that life isn’t always smooth and easy going, I know that’s a tough one but you need to do it now. Start that business you have been putting off, the longer you wait the more difficult it will become. Be easy on yourself, you can be too hard on yourself. Take time out for yourself, you need it. And very importantly, now listen closely, you cannot control your life or anyone else’s for that matter. You are not in control. Let stuff go, it’s out of your hands anyway. And live your life, nothing you do can change the outcome of any situation. It is what it is. You will have to learn to live with trauma and loss, it will happen, several times. Don’t take it personally. But you will also be stronger and more resilient for it. So don’t fight against it. Life is unfair, it’s how we handle it that makes us stronger or weaker. You will also realise that there are only a handful of people who will be truly supportive, forge those relationships, and stay away from those who want to bring you down.  You are stronger than you think you are, so when you feel you can’t anymore, remember that. And last but not least, enjoy your life, you don’t get to do it again. Live well and without baggage.”

Wish I knew all of that before life happened. So now I really try and live my life according to this, it’s so much easier. My life, although difficult somedays, are in many instances a lot easier. And I’m so thankful for the many blessings I have in my life. I’m healthy, I know it sounds like an oxymoron coming from someone with FSGS and renal failure, but I am healthy. I do have hope, more on that in October. So yes, I’m happy, even though I still want many things to happen, I’m secure in the knowledge that God has me. I am happy regardless, not rewardless.

“Courage: the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.” 
―  Maya Angelou

And no, I’m not just talking about the annual screening of 80′s animated cult classic “The Last Unicorn.”

Even though that is a really awesome movie.

And don’t even get me started on the soundtrack. I mean, come on. America? A band so epic they named themselves after a country? Seriously. How can you possibly go wrong? America. And unicorns.

AMERICA. AND UNICORNS.

Ahem.

The tradition I’m actually referring to is writing to myself the night before my birthday. A reflection, if you like. A diary entry of sorts. Something I can look back on in years to come as a way to mark where I was at that particular point in time. Yes, it’s my birthday tomorrow, and yes, it’s okay if you didn’t get me anything. Truth is I’ve been so busy lately that this one has really snuck up on me. Normally there’s weeks of anticipation and planning fun birthday treats for myself. Not so this year. I just started a new job and man have I ever been head down, eyes on the prize. Case and point, my relative silence ’round these parts.

Anyway. Tradition’s tradition. It’s the night of August 2nd, and I’m about to turn the ripe old age of cough23cough, and this is my annual birthday-themed conversation with myself.

Here goes.

Hey you,

Me/You/Us