Photo Credit: “Online Romance” by Don Hankins

When is it time to start dating after a significant loss?

I hear many of you giving this question careful consideration. Some of you decide to not date. While others jump into dating almost immediately to distract themselves from the loss.

With instant access to thousands of dating profiles, you can literally start looking for a dating partner in minutes. While some of you may be excited by dating, others may be so nervous your hands are shaking just thinking about it.

I think confidence grows as we face hard stuff. Hearing the inside scoop on online dating and knowing yourself is a good place to start growing. You don’t have to lose yourself when you start dating if you know yourself and what you want. Trying new things and meeting new people is a fun way to grow your confidence.

The Inside Scoop on Online Dating

Since I didn’t meet my husband through online dating, I have invited a guest to share the ins and outs of using this type of service to find potential mates. While she’s not an expert on online dating, she is an expert on growing confidence. Let me introduce, Linda Hewett, writer and coach at The Confidence Café.

Marci: What is your experience with online dating? Did it work for you?

Linda: I started online dating in 2003 after my husband died. At first I was a bit scared. I’d heard negative stories about the dangers of online dating but decided to dip my toe in the water. After all, what was the worst that could happen? And it did ‘work’ – I met my current husband 5 years ago and we’re still together!

Marci: How do you know which online dating sites are right for you?

Linda: Take advantage of the free trial membership, so you have time to explore and assess if the dating service is right for you. I used to sign in as a man in order to read the profiles other women were writing. This gave me a good idea of the clientele and what they were looking for.

Marci: In an era where the lines between public and private are blurring, what personal information would you suggest leaving out of your online profile?

Linda: When you write your profile, you’re writing an ‘advertisement’ for yourself. You’ll get an idea of how to put this together by reading other profiles. Be as honest as you can, even about your age. And make sure your photo is recent.  It’s your choice, but I wouldn’t share your address or phone number on your profile. 

Marci: What safety suggestions do you have for making the transition from talking online to meeting in person?

Linda: Here are my ideas:

• Tell someone you trust exactly where you’re going, what time you’re meeting and ring that person when you get home.

• Drive yourself. Don’t accept any offer to pick you up from home, (yet!) so your address stays private. Also, if you drive yourself you can leave at any time.

• Have your mobile switched on and its battery charged.

• For safety and comfort reasons I suggest you meet for the first time during the day, for a drink or a coffee. That way you’re not lumbered with someone who’s not for you, for a long, tedious and time-wasting evening.

Marci: How do you know you are ready to date after a significant loss?

Linda: I feel it’s all about ‘instincts’. The only way is to try it and see how you feel. You can make it clear in your profile whether you’re looking for a casual/platonic friendship or whether you’re looking for more than that. It can start as a friendship, and stay at that, whatever you choose.

Marci: I know not everyone reading this is looking for a life partner when they sign up for an online dating service. I think it’s so important to know why you are using this service and stick with it. Anything else you want to share about the online dating process?

Linda: Be selective when you start getting emails. It’s very flattering to have 17 people emailing you with invitations to ‘chat’. If you’ve been single for a while it’s easy to get stars in your eyes and go out with any half decent man who emails! But be clear about what you will or won’t accept.

Remember they won’t all be who they say they are. Sad but true. However, nothing is fool proof in the dating world either. So long as you do your research and don’t expect to find the ‘one’ in a hurry, you’ll enjoy the process of looking!

Please join the discussion and share how you knew you were ready to start dating again…

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Linda Hewett is a writer and trained Life Coach, with a special interest in confidence issues. Her life experience and eight years of Confidence Coaching enable her to empathize with her readers’ problems. She helps them solve their issues in a practical and down-to-earth way that works. Visit the Confidence Café for more information.

“Love changes over time, it becomes deeper, calmer.” ~ Helen Fisher

While people aren’t actually calmer, the fireworks of falling in love does calm down. When the passion calms down, what is left? The potential for a deeper, longer lasting connection.

I don’t think you’ll always feel connected or positive with your spouse, but you can become less allergic to the daily ebb and flow of your relationship. When you become more observant of the part you play in relationship patterns, you can nurture the present. Instead of daydreaming about the early years or hoping to change your spouse in the future, embrace what is.

You can deepen your marriage friendship by nurturing how you think and relate to your spouse now. John Gottman, marriage therapist, researcher, and author, is right on when he says that happy couples think more positive thoughts than negative thoughts about their spouse. The longer you are with your spouse, the more negative thoughts and patterns can develop.

8 Ways to Cultivate Positive Thinking About Your Spouse

We’ve been exploring how marriage changes and possibly erodes over time, but now it’s time to discuss how to reverse the erosion. That is, how to cultivate a more positive marriage friendship from the inside out. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate all negative thoughts, but to have more positive than negative ones!

1. Boost Your Self-Awareness: You won’t know what to work on if you can’t see what you are doing. Instead of relying on someone else to point out what you need to work on, become a great observer of yourself. Observe what it’s like to be married to you, to argue with you, and to try to get close to you.

2. Notice Negativity Generation: We often think that our spouse is causing our negative thoughts and feelings. But look for instances when you are creating negative thinking all on your own. Notice what inside you triggers the negative feelings about your spouse. It’s hard to get close to someone when you generate negative feelings about them.

3. Appreciate Differences: When you want to win or be right, it’s hard to be more open and neutral about differences. Instead you are trying to prove your way is better. Begin to see differences as just different, not better or worse.

4. Accept Responsibility for Your Part: Marriage conflict and emotional distance are co-created by both partners. Even when you find it hard to see your part, commit to accepting responsibility for part of the problem. The more awareness you develop about your part in co-created conflict and/or distance, the less negative you become about your mate.

5. Manage Your Emotions: Instead of trying to calm down or shape up how your spouse reacts, work on managing your own emotional reactions. Even if you can’t see your emotions, they are reacting quickly to what they perceive as a threat. Unless you tell them to chill out, they will rule your interactions.

6. Respectfully Speak Up: Many couples have learned to avoid difficult topics to lower tension because it works. Yet avoidance leads to distance. When you have a different idea than your spouse, represent your self by expressing your different thinking. Do this without pressuring your spouse to adopt what you think.

7. Resist Taking All the Blame: Another way people deal with tension is to accept all the blame for a problem. You are only part of the problem. Own your part without expecting your mate to take his or her part in the problem. Your mate can stay in denial if they want, but you don’t have to take all the blame.

8. Embrace Works in Progress: Embrace your marriage as an adventure, where two people are works in progress. It is normal to feel more or less connected from moment to moment or day to day. The important part is to keep observing, seeing, and trying to find a better way to relate the next time.

While I hope you find something useful in my blog, please don’t over-value my advice. I know what works for me but I am not the expert on you. Observe yourself and your own relationship. Work on what you see in yourself. Find out what works for you to feel more positive toward your spouse, so you can enjoy each other again!

What do you do or think that helps you have more positive thoughts and feelings about your spouse?

“Years subdue the ardor of passion, but in lieu thereof friendship and affection deep-rooted subsists, which defies the ravages of time, and whilst the vital flame exists.” ~ Abigail Adams, Wife of President John Adams

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When your spouse wants to end the marriage, getting closer to your spouse is no longer an option. My next post will explore how to cope when one spouse wants the marriage season to end: Subscribe here to stay in the loop.

While you are waiting, visit my new resource page. It is packed with resources on: marriage & family, counseling & coaching, health & wellness, & simplicity & productivity!

Photo Credit: “Love is being stupid together” by Nattu

I hear your life stories rooted with desire and fear.

You married someone that you thought w0uld be great to start a family with. Now the kids are getting older and you are looking for something more. Is it too late to have passion with your spouse?

Or you had a fiery romance with your spouse and after you moved in together, it started to simmer down. When you don’t feel the passion you once felt, you worry if your marriage is in trouble.

I too used to worry about my marriage when the high of falling in love simmers down. But now I view marriage with more smiles. To have a best friend that you still get to have sex with after all your years together doesn’t sound like a failure to me.

“The mad passion, the ecstasy, the longing, the obsessive thinking, the heightened energy: all dissolve. But if you are fortunate, this magic transforms itself into new feelings of security, comfort, calm, and union with your partner.” ~ Helen Fisher, Why We Love

I am not sure marriage is a magical transformation of calm and union, but I do think we can either get in the way of embracing the change or we can grow to love the change. A marriage relationship can still grow as it evolves from passion to life companion. Let’s explore what cultivates as well as erodes this marital friendship.

Eroding the Marital Friendship

While many variables can contribute to the erosion of the marriage friendship, I think expectations play a big role. We each carry expectations about what makes a good marriage. And these images feed what we expect our spouse to do to meet our needs. Expecting someone else to make us happy starts the unintentional erosion process.

If you expect to feel like you did when you fell in love, you will be let down. Love hasn’t always been apart of the decision to marry but now the majority of people say not being in love contributes to their wanting a divorce.

I love the romantic loving feeling too. But when we focus too much on our feelings, we get anxious and worried about them. One way we deal with anxiety is to blame our spouse for our feelings.

The more we focus on our spouse as the problem, the more negative we think and the more unromantic we act. In turn, our spouse reacts to our negativity with more negativity, proving to us that they are the problem. So we try harder to change them to feel better, and the vicious circle continues.

Now imagine both partners have unmet expectations and negative thoughts about their spouse. Put both together and the marital friendship starts to erode away as the soil dries up. Both partners are helping create these negative interaction patterns from the inside out.

Although it may be hard to see your part in generating negative patterns that get in the way of positive feelings or cooperative interactions, it is present.  No matter what season your marriage is in, you can always work on your part, how you interact, and what you think about your spouse.

This is the work of marriage. Not shaping up your mate, but exploring new depths within your mind’s soil. 

What kind of soil are you nurturing in your mind about your marriage?

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Stay tuned for Part 3 of Marriage Series where I explore how to cultivate your marriage friendship by nurturing your mind’s soil. Subscribe to stay in the loop.

Photo Credit: “Come Together” by Hartwig HKD

“Love is born in a glance, and matures in a smile.” ~ Brazilian proverb

I glanced at my husband for the first time in a crowded dance club. I certainly wasn’t hoping to meet my husband on a spring break college trip. But after I asked him if he liked to dance, he was a complete gentlemen. We tried to dance amidst the crowd, but what I remember most is how he carried me over a puddle that was in our way.

As the trip came to an end, I never expected to hear from him again. I had met many interesting young men on our trip, but this one I couldn’t stop thinking about. I was pleasantly surprised to hear from him after we were back in our different Missouri college towns. Although long distance dating was hard, we made dating from different cities work with many mix tapes, phone calls, letter writing, and road trips.

Falling in Love

Most people enjoy being in love, because falling in love is  a wild ride. You are at the top of the ride when you fall for someone and the feeling is returned. You feel like you have just one a prize and are on top of the world. Just like a drug, you long for more of them.

We hope this feeling will never end, and when it starts to dissipate we worry. Life is not like the fairy tales I read to my children. Love has seasons that change as the relationship, life, and family changes. But just because love between two people changes, it doesn’t mean it’s gone.

Relationships are always evolving. While change is hard, it doesn’t have to mean something is wrong. Join me in exploring what drives love’s changes and how we can think about the new seasons with more smiles.

Identify Your Season of Love

Helen Fisher, anthropologist and author of Why We Love, shares her thoughts on how love changes so that our species can survive. With a team of scientists, Fisher scans the brains of people who have recently fallen in love. Through her research, she discovers that certain areas of the brain light up when we are falling in love.

Fisher concludes that all animals and humans feel romantic love in the reward center of their brains. In other words, love is much more complex than having a positive feeling, it is a “fundamental mating drive.”

Through her work, she identifies three interlocking drives that primitively speaking help keep families alive. Fisher explains that “drives” evolved to motivate us to reach different goals:

1. Lust: “to seek an array of sexual partners”
2. Romantic Passion: “to choose one partner to dote upon”
3. Attachment: “to remain emotionally engaged with him or her long enough to rear a child together”

Fisher goes on to explore whether or not these drives (or seasons) can occur at the same time. Do you identify with one or more of the above relationship goals?

Twenty years ago on spring break, I was interested in talking to many young men. But by the end of the trip, I had picked one young man that I hoped to spend more time getting to know. We stayed in this romantic love season until some time after our wedding.

I honestly don’t remember when the love started to evolve and reach new depths. I imagine it was a gradual process that changed as we encountered life challenges and milestones.

You gradually start to see your spouse as they are. While you were once blinded by passion and able to overlook their faults, you are now living with their strengths and weaknesses every day.

Changing Marriage Relationship Goals

At this point, do you convince yourself that your spouse is the problem? Many believe they would be happier if they trade in their spouse for a newer model. Or many decide to stay married for the kids but supplement with an affair.

I think how we relate to our spouse is driven by our relationship goals. As your marriage enters new seasons, do your goals change? Your relationship goals will direct your thoughts, actions, and even your feelings.

What are your current relationship goals?

• To convince your spouse he/she needs to meet your needs better
• To feel more positive than negative about your spouse
• To stay married until the kids have launched from the family nest
• To continue getting to know and be known by your spouse
• To make your spouse happy or calm
• To respect differences without thinking your way is better
• To avoid conflict at any cost to yourself
• To speak up more without pressure on your spouse to change

Can you see which goals are more focused on changing your spouse? And which goals are more focused on working on your part. Now imagine what it would be like to live with someone with any of these goals. Which spouse do you want to get closer to?

Marriage Series Begins

This post is the first of several in a series of relationship posts on Embracing Marriage’s Changing Seasons. I will explore how to cultivate your thoughts so you can nurture your marriage’s changing seasons, bring back playfulness and grow your marital friendship. And if the marriage season ends completely, how do you move on when love isn’t returned.

While my thinking is always growing, I will share how I work on my part to embrace the changing seasons of marriage with more smiles. And I would love to hear from those who have been married longer, shorter, and maybe even happier than me. Please share your thoughts on how you embrace the changing seasons of your marriage.

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Photo Credit: “In Love” by Hartwig HKD

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Now that I am a parent I rarely sleep in. But on the rare occasion that I am able to snooze a little longer, I wake up with great expectations. I imagine that my husband has cooked breakfast for everyone, and that there is little left for me to prepare or clean. I slowly drift out of bed happily assuming that he has read my dreamy mind, but he hasn’t.

On the flip side, you’ve had a nice night out with your wife, and you are envisioning great sex when you get home. You had a delicious meal and shared laughs at a new movie. You are feeling close to her, and can’t wait to hold your wife in bed. Instead of your dream ending, your wife tells you that she’s going to bed. She says it was such a nice night that she can’t wait to relax into sleep.

Expectations Propel Emotional Dependency

Do you take either of these scenarios personally? I know how easy it is to blame others for how we are feeling. But when we take something personally, our perceptions are actually making us angry. When we let our expectations shape how we feel, we are married to our expectations instead of our spouse.

I’ve spent time being married to my expectations, and it makes me miserable (and probably my spouse too). In the above situation, my hubby wasn’t avoiding responsibility; he was taking care of himself. And he wasn’t downstairs thinking about how great it is that I do everything. In reality we both contribute to the family in our own ways. And if I’m doing it all, it’s because I don’t stop myself.

I still enjoy breakfast made for me, a great conversation, or even someone else emptying the dishwasher. But expectations make us dependent on these things for happiness. There is a difference between enjoying our spouse and being dependent on what they do to make us happy. We can still enjoy when someone does something to be closer to us, but how do we become less dependent on it?

Choose Your Own Path for Happiness

Taking responsibility for our own happiness is how we can enjoy our spouse more. If you can make yourself mad by living by your expectations, you can also  help yourself feel less tense by living by your choices.

Do you believe me or have I lost you? Let me get back to how I found choices when I only thought I had expectations.

I walk into the kitchen and no one has anticipated my dreamy desires. I realize I have a choice. I can be angry and resentful that no one took a task off my plate. Or I can choose to still not cook breakfast, and let everyone grab their own quick meal. In the end, I still got what I wanted, I just wasn’t dependent on anyone taking it off my plate.

When we turn the expectations we have for others into our own choice for self, it frees us from having to be angry or tense. The change in our thinking is what allows us to feel more relaxed and content.

3 Steps for Making Liberating Choices

So how do you choose your own path for happiness?

1. Decide to become less regulated by your environment – What our family does impacts us, but we can become less regulated by what others do/don’t do. We can learn to become more self-directed without pulling away from others.

2.  Identify what choices you have in front of you – When you find yourself hoping someone else will make you feel better, look at your choices. What can you do or not do in order to decrease your own stress level?

3. Live based on what is instead of what could be – Instead of waiting to be happy or waiting on someone else to change, let even your smallest but current choices guide you to less stress and more contentment.

Each step you make toward directing more of your own emotions is a step toward more confidence. The more you find you always have a  choice, the more contentment you will find within yourself. And the less you expect others to make it all better, the more you will enjoy their company.

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Photo Credit: “Kiss Me” by Mariana Amorim

My wide eyed inquisitive 5-year old son asks me at dinner, “Mom what does sexy mean?” I freeze uncomfortably and respond with “What! Where did you hear that word?”

I realize that he has heard the song “Sexy and I Know It” by a group of rocking rappers called LMFAO. Have you heard it? It’s a funny yet catchy song by guys with big hair and ridiculous clothing. I eventually gloss over the definition of sexy by vaguely explaining, “it’s something grown ups feel about each other.”

The music industry has sex oozing out its pores, while many married folks are waiting for their spouse to make them feel wanted and sexy. Most of us aren’t rock stars or super models, yet I think we can learn to be more confident in our sexiness.

Many think feeling sexy and desirable is based on physical appearance and attraction. But it’s how a person feels about themselves that leads to how they present themselves.  Bottom line – it’s your confidence that is sexy.

Where To Look for Sexiness

Do you struggle to feel sexy in the bedroom with your loved one? You can grow your confidence in this area, but first you need to know where to look for it.

Many hope their partner will initiate sex, so they don’t have to face rejection. And others only feel sexy when their partner flirts and compliments them.

While it may feel great to have a loved one tell you how great you look and how much they want you, it won’t keep you feeling sexy. This feeling comes from inside of you.

Instead of waiting for your partner to bring this feeling out in you, find a way to turn your sexy on. It may be like digging for buried treasure without a map, but it’s inside you. It is buried under loads of laundry and piles of work projects.

Tools for Digging for Buried Sexiness

Our bodies and energy aren’t like they used to be, so how can we feel sexy now? Let me share some tools to help you dig for your buried treasure:

1. Be playful – Flirt with your spouse like you just met. Be serious and get organized but also have fun with your spouse.

2. Complain less – Talking more about what you don’t like is a sexiness stomper. Instead say or show what you like.

3. Reserve Energy – Conserve your personal energy by thinking ahead to what is most important to you. If you let your energy drain completely out, you won’t have any left for things like connecting with your spouse.

4. Explore your senses – Wear clothing or intimates that you like to touch and see. Or wear scents that you like to smell and breathe.

5. Appreciate your body – Get your body moving outside of the bedroom and appreciate it’s strength and beauty. Take up dance, yoga, walking, or anything that helps you love the body you have.

6. Love all of yourself – Love the creation of you both inside and out. Appreciate all the imperfect parts of yourself even if you don’t want to.

Anyone can feel sexy. It starts with a choice to find a new way to think about yourself. And it stays when you don’t let negativity take it away from you.

Trying new things is hard. Your confidence will follow your lead. Choose to unbury the treasures you have inside you, not just for your spouse but for you too.

And remember physical intimacy is just one of many ways to connect with your spouse. Present the best you, instead of hoping that your spouse will pull it out of you.

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Photo Credit: “I’m Open To You” by Mara

Many people visualize their divorce as a way to cope with unhappy marriages. Yet you don’t have to get divorced to find happiness.

While divorce may be progress in some marriages. For most, divorce is one of many ways to deal with negative feelings and unresolved conflicts. Instead of ending the marriage when you realize you can’t change your spouse, embrace the adventure of getting to know, learn, and grow yourself.

You will breathe hope into your relationship by working on what you can influence and change – your part in the problem. When you invest in what you can change, you will be more relaxed, open, and playful. With all of these positive feelings, it is much easier to enjoy the adventure of marriage.  

My Journey to Marriage Despite Fear of Divorce

I haven’t always had positive feelings about marriage. In fact, I never wanted to get married. Instead of daydreaming about my wedding, I visualized the inevitability of my divorce.

I grew up thinking marriages don’t work, at least not in my family. My parents divorced when I was very young, so it is all I knew.

While my parents did a great job raising me separately, I had a hidden worry that my marriage would end too. I didn’t put too much emphasis on ever planning a wedding…that is until I fell in love with my husband.

After accepting his proposal, I studied what makes marriages work to soothe my divorce fears. Instead of working on my part, I worked on the marriage (and eventually worked on my spouse). I “knew” what made a good marriage and elected myself to keep us on track.

Have you ever felt responsible for keeping your marriage and/or spouse well and thriving?

Luckily for my spouse (and for me), I eventually realized (with some coaching) that I only needed to be responsible for my part. I was letting my worry direct my actions and helping create the very problems I feared. I am still married after 15 years and am no longer visualizing my divorce.

Redefine Marriage as a Growing Adventure

There are many ways to think about marriage and much advice on how to prevent divorce. Most marriage advice encourages you to fix your marriage. I’m proposing something different – work on your part. In doing so, we redefine marriage as an adventure where you get an opportunity to define and grow yourself with each interaction with our spouse.

“Marriage is a journey, not a destination.” ~ Dr. Corey Allen, Simple Marriage Manifesto

Adventures can be fun and interesting. On your journey you will encounter  challenges and take risks. And if you allow yourself to view marriage from a new perspective, it will push you out of your comfort zone. When you view marriage as a growth adventure, it’s easier to take the challenge and enjoy the journey.

Growing Self as Way to Enjoy Marriage More

When you embrace the challenge of growing yourself (instead of your spouse), you will put less pressure on the relationship to keep you calm and happy. With less pressure, it is easier to connect intimately and enjoy each other’s company.

Turn the pressure into motivation to be the best mate you can be – interaction by interaction. On your personal growth adventure, cultivate three things in yourself:

1. Self-Awareness: Identify Your Part in Co-created Problems (Observe your positive and negative interactions with your spouse. What do you think your part is in the c0-created distance and/or conflict?)

2. Self-Responsibility: Take Responsibility for Your Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions (We all have the tendency to either put all the blame on ourselves or the other person. Instead of shifting the blame back and forth, own just your part.)

3. Self-Directed: Become less Regulated by Others’ Reactions (How do you let your spouse’s reactions get under your skin less? Start to see your spouse as separate from you. Instead of fixing or avoiding your spouse, care curiously.)

The adventure of growing a self isn’t ever done, but you can learn to enjoy the journey. You will have many opportunities to work on yourself, especially in important relationships. If you fall in love with enjoying the adventure of growing yourself, you will enjoy the adventure of your life.

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Note: In my work with individuals and couples, I never advise clients to get divorced or stay married. This choice is always in your hands. I encourage you to find and work on your part in the problem, no matter what your adventure looks like.

Photo credit: “The future is yours” by Nattu

We have more ways to connect, yet we are more disconnected than ever. Advancing technology rapidly multiplies our ways to “reach out and touch someone.” But more ways to connect doesn’t translate into more personal communication.

How many of your social media “friends” do you know well enough to have a deep conversation on Facebook? We may be more socially networked than ever before, but I don’t think these mediums are where personal connections are made.

I think we have lost our way in the vast sea of ways to communicate. We focus more on convenience, speed, and quantity. Yet we are missing out on quality. I am not anti-technology. I love a quickie text but nothing compares to face-to-face time with my best buds or loved ones.

Would you like to have more meaningful interactions with your loved one? Spend less energy looking for more avenues to communicate. Instead focus more energy on how you communicate and what you talk about.

Self-Check Your Personal Communication Skills:

Use these questions to check in with yourself. Let your awareness be your guide as you grow yourself in order to grow your connections.

• Do you share more personal information through texting/emailing/social media than face-to-face?
• Do you do most of the talking?
• Do you share every feeling you have?
• Do you keep most things to yourself because you are cautious to share personal information?
• Do you share more about what others are doing than you do about yourself?
• Do you give unsolicited advice?
• Do you pressure others to talk or look you in the eye?

If you answer yes to one or more of these questions, then your communication style may be a barrier to more intimate interactions. You can grow your connections by changing how and what you talk about.

Grow Personal and Meaningful Communication:

While each of us may define personal communication differently, I think these tips will help you navigate the sea of communication possibilities.

1. Connect One-on-One: It’s hard to communicate personally in a large group of people, even at family gatherings. Our attention floats from one person to another but never settles on any person. So our most personal communication occurs when we have private, one-on-one time with our significant other. Think about how you can clear space in order to have one-on-one time with your spouse.

2. Be Face-to-Face: There are many ways to communicate one-on-one that use technology. Interact face-to-face at least as much as you do with technology. When you rely heavily on texting or typing to communicate, it’s easier to say things without thinking. Seeing each others face or hearing each others voice is much more intimate than reading their words.

3. Share Yourself: Think about the topics you share with your spouse. Do you talk mostly about running the house or your annoying coworker? While communication about tasks is vital to co-leading a household, it doesn’t do much for intimacy. Expand what you share to include something personal about yourself. Tell your spouse about you – how your day impacts you, what you appreciate, what excites or stresses you.

4. Listen with Open Curiosity: Balance telling with listening. But listen without pressuring the other to talk. Instead be curious and respectful. Well intended pressure quickly builds a wall instead of a bridge to communication. And remember that not all communication is verbal. Sometimes the best way to listen is to be attentive and completely present.

Grow your connection by growing your own intimacy. When you work on your part, you build a bridge for more intimate and meaningful interactions with your loved one.

What can you do today to give more personal communication to your loved one?

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Want more ideas, inspiration, and resources for growing confidence and connections? Follow me on Twitter @marcipayne

Photo credit: “Iced Tea” by Ed Yourdon

Have you ever had a fight with your spouse that feels like a wrestling match? Only there is no referee to stop you from repeating the same argument over and over again.

You can’t believe you are still fighting about the same thing for the hundredth time. If only you could get your knuckle-head spouse to understand your point. Maybe if you say it in a different way or with a new example. Nope, it’s still the same darn argument.

It becomes a race to see who can shift the blame off themselves and onto the other one. Soon you have forgotten what you’re fighting about.

All you can think about is how to get out of this argument. Aren’t we supposed to compromise or something? But all you hear is the way your spouse is talking to you. Where’s that referee when we need one?

Here I am. While I’m not in your living room with you, I can loan you my perspective on dealing with relationship conflict. You don’t have to compromise on love when you disagree!

3 Steps to Turning Conflict into Compromise:

Compromise is a possible solution to calling a truce in couple’s arguments. It doesn’t work well when you feel like you are pressured or arm wrestled to give in. You both have to be okay with the final solution.

Step 1 = Identify what you don’t agree on. (This is the easy part!)

Step 2 = Identify what you do agree on. (This may be harder to see at first glance, but you can find a common goal.)

Step 3 = Identify what you can both live with. (What are you each willing to give up to reach a common goal?)

Does this help you end the argument without stuffing it under the rug for another day? If not, you’ve found an argument where you both have very different positions.

2 Ways to Agree to Disagree with Love and Respect:

You can still respect your spouse even if you have differences. And you don’t have to sacrifice your sanity or love when you agree to disagree.

Are you done having this argument again and again? If you are ready to stop the arm wrestling tournament, then you need to know that you can be your own referee. I’m putting these strategies for agreeing to disagree (with love) in your hands:

1. Mark Your Territory: This works great for household maintenance. Decide what tasks you want to be in charge of, and stay out of other’s territories. When you question, critique, or remind your loved one to take care of their territory, you are stepping on your loved ones toes. Ouch!

2. Be Responsible for Your Choices: When you make a choice that your spouse doesn’t agree with, be willing to take responsibility for any consequences that come because of the choice. Love and respect your spouse through his (or her) choices.

Respect upholds love, while stepping on your loved one’s territory or choices, just hurts and repels love. If you can find a solution you can both live with, then do it. But if compromise doesn’t work, then learn to respect each other even if you disagree.

Turn your differences into an opportunity to not just stand your ground, but also respect the one you decided to spend the rest of your life with!

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Enjoy reading this post? Subscribe via email and download a Free E-Book (Take Charge of Your Worry: 10 Ways to Manage Anxiety Naturally). Note: Posting frequency will be monthly (instead of weekly) this summer, so I can enjoy time with my kids while they are out of school.

Photo Credit: “Referee” by Avinash Kunnath

Do you want to have better quality friendships like you did in the good ol’ days?

Remember when your biggest decision was who to play with after school. Eventually these friendships grow or change into who you are going to share your secrets with or cry on when you are broken hearted. Friendships become as important to you as your family.

“Many people will walk in and out of you life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.” ~ Unknown

Our friendships peak and adulthood hits. People go away for school, get married, move for their job, and have kids. Friendships come and go and it becomes hard to keep up with your old friends. Yet you long for the friendships that last a lifetime.

While busyness and location may get in the way of growing great friendships as an adult, there is another culprit – having a negative focused mental filter. Often we have our mental filter set high to keep hurt out, yet we miss out on the opportunities for new and growing friendships. You can change your filter, letting the good in instead of keeping it all out.

Recognize Negative Filter

Recently I watch my daughter try to navigate through new friendship territory with a filter that needs an adjustment. She assumes that others don’t like her, leaves herself out of the activity, and then complains about being left out. As I coach her through the tears, I realize these friendship problems don’t end with adulthood.

Many adults walk around their world surrounded by people yet feeling lonely. Their negative thoughts leave them out. If you have your mental filter set so high that all you see are negatives, you are probably missing out on friendships and resources.

Take a moment to listen to the messages you are focusing on. Do you focus more on the negatives than the positives? If yes, you may recognize some of these negative assumptions:

• What if they don’t like me or I don’t fit in
• They want too much from me and I can’t say no
• I feel left out when I know I’m not their best friend
• We have too many differences that I can’t relate
• I can’t handle feeling hurt or rejected again

I imagine these negative thoughts didn’t evaporate after middle school, and that some of you still battle with these negative assumptions now. We all want to be known and connected, but what does it take to make it happen?

Change Your Mental Filter

Imagine that your body is surrounded by a screen. The holes on the screen can be enlarged or shrunk. You can change the size of holes depending on how much you want to let in.

Focus less on the negatives, and you will increase the holes in your screen. Instead of filtering it all out, you will be able to let more in. You will also begin seeing things in a new way instead of assuming the worst.

My daughter is able to see that the girls she wants to play with have a different idea on what to play – it isn’t that they don’t want to play with her. When she focuses less on her negative thoughts, she is able to move toward the girls even if her way is different. The result is making memories instead of tears.

When you look through your screen with new eyes, you can see positives looking back at you. People that are interested in you, what you have to say and spending time with you. If you don’t see these people trying to look through your screen, it’s time to change your screen and stop filtering so much out.

Friendships as Exchange of Resources

I think of friendships as an exchange of resources, one in which both people have a say in what they exchange. The resources may be tangible such as swapping babysitting or tools. Or the exchange may be intangible such as sharing stories and reassurances. Having someone to confide in, to reassure you, and to celebrate life’s milestones is an amazing resource.

While friendships may change as we grow, they are still important. Discover what you do or say to yourself that keeps people out. Then decide to not let your screen be set to negative. Instead be determined to view the exchange in a new way. In this way, you are letting more into your life than you are turning away.

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart. ” ~ Elisabeth Foley

How have your friendships changed over time?

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Photo Credit: Happy Girls Under Rainbow by Sharon Pruitt

When someone complains do you take it personally? Instead of really hearing them, you feel like they are talking about how they feel about you.

For example, when my daughter complains about not wanting to do her chores, my mind makes assumptions. My heart rate quickens as I ready for battle. And I tell myself, “She makes everything hard on me. I wish she would treat me as good as she treats her teacher.”

If I stay in battle mode, I get hooked into a power struggle, debate, or argument. Then I eventually get so fed up that I withdraw. When I notice the fight of flight response take off in me, I can change my thinking and emotional response already in progress.

When we perceive others’ negativity less personally, we free ourselves and our loved ones. We are free from being held responsible for others negativity. As a bonus, we are free to connect with others, instead of protecting ourselves.

6 Steps to Listening Without Personalizing

If you walk around feeling like there are threats to your emotional well-being in each personal encounter, you will live a guarded life. In the long run, you will miss out on opportunities for personal connection.

While our emotions tell us that negativity infects us, how do we let other’s complaints get under our skin less? Here are 6 steps to letting negative emotions stay where they belong (in owners’ skin):

• Interrupt your own emotional reaction in order to think more clearly
• Evaluate whether negativity from other is threat to your well-being
• Choose not to let it get under your skin and cause an “infection”
• Find another way to think about negativity that is separate from you
• Let other own their feelings by letting them stew in it
• Reflect what you observe not what you feel

In my example, I can take deep breaths to help me slow down before I yell at my daughter. This gives me time to see that her complaint is not a threat to my happiness. Thus I don’t have to let it get under my skin as much as it usually does.

When I don’t feel threatened by her complaint, I am able to hear that she doesn’t feel like cleaning right now. Her negativity is less about me or our relationship and more about her. 

I no longer feel like defending myself or making her feel bad. Instead I can reflect my observation and remind her of the choices that are in front of her. (“I know you are tired. You are welcome to watch TV when your room is clean or go to bed early.”)

I would not be able to listen to her in this way if I took her complaint personally. I am able to move on, and she will either take responsibility or stew in her complaints. Either way, our relationship isn’t impacted negatively by her complaining.

Emotional Separateness Key to Relational Connection

This is not a typical way to feel more connected with others. It seems counter-intuitive. When we are anxious, tense, or unhappy, we usually push for sameness, agreement, and togetherness.

However, I am convinced that the way to feeling more connected with others is to allow each person to have their own bucket of emotions. That is to separate our emotions as being a reflection of the person that carries them.

By not taking others emotional reactions personally, we are truly able to hear what they are saying. To listen to what they are saying about themselves. To know a person is to connect with them.

How can you use these 5 steps in your dating or marital relationships? Please share other ideas you have for not taking others negativity personally.

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Photo Credit: “Dream Walking” by Digital Pimp

Remember the bliss of a budding relationship. It’s like a breath of fresh air. The feelings of attraction and excitement bring a smile to your face and butterflies to your stomach. So where do all these blissful feelings go?

The longer you invest in a relationship, the more you don’t want to lose them. You would do almost anything to avoid feelings of loss and rejection, even if that means avoiding conflict to keep the peace.

Two Most Common Relationship Mistakes:

As each of you puts more energy into maintaining the good feelings and sustaining the relationship, troublesome ways of interacting typically creep in. No matter how long you have been together, it is highly likely that you have made at least one of the following mistakes:

1. Trying to fix your partner

2. Letting your partner fix you

Which one sounds like something you are doing? I claim #1 as my biggest mistake. While my attempts to fix my spouse may be well-intentioned, they typically get stirred up by my own worry and tension. Luckily for my husband, he doesn’t like it when I try to shape him up and he lets me know.

“Some conflictual marriages can be characterized as each person wanting to lean on the other more than the other will permit. Other conflictual marriages are better characterized as each feeling the other wants to control the situation.” ~Michael Kerr, M.D.

While no one is perfect, you can learn to turn all this energy onto yourself instead of deferring or turning it on your partner. In doing so, you make more room in your relationship for growth, togetherness, and comfort – maybe even occasional bliss.

A Different Way to Think About Relationship Growth

This is a very different way to think about relationships. It’s not about working directly on the relationship, it’s about working on your part in the problem, so you are part of the solution. Instead it is about becoming more self-directed without losing relationship connections.

How do we become more self-directed without becoming self-centered and selfish? The goal isn’t to be more isolated and disconnected, it is to do our part in creating more intimate, positive, and cooperative connections. Once you recognize your part in the problem, whether it’s distance or conflict (avoidance or pressure), you open up new choices:

1. The choice between being regulated by your partner or being self-regulated

2. The choice between acting on your emotions or your thinking

I can continue to try to shape up my hard working husband, or I can find another way to manage my worry. I can look for the choices that I have in front of me instead of trying to answer the choices he has in front of him. I imagine I’m more fun to be around when I calm myself down and put less pressure on him to do it for me.

We all react emotionally to differences in our relationship. Learning how to have a choice in how we react to these differences helps us be more approachable and less negative in our relationships. We become someone that others want to be around instead of avoiding conflict to keep the peace.

What helps you see your part in relationship problems?

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Photo Credit: “Love is…” by Nattu

A handwritten “Thank You” from my 4 year old son in his newly found writing. Sweet words from my daughter telling me, “I’ll love you forever.” And, my husband’s presence in a bustling house, playing with kids, and helping with dinner.

Each of these gifts of love makes my heart warm and full. It literally melts my heart like a fountain of overflowing chocolate.

I don’t always hear these precious gifts, but I am becoming a keen observer of love gifts, spoken and unspoken. In doing so, I am looking for more positives than negatives in my life. What about you?

Are you open to hearing love in many forms? Or do you communicate love yet feel like no one is listening?

We can all give and receive love. It’s part of what makes us human. But, we may communicate love in different ways, making it hard to hear it clearly.

You can easily learn 5 ways that we communicate love, and start giving love in your mate’s preferred “language” today. Your preferred “love language” is simply the way you prefer to give and receive love. In other words, it’s how you hear love the best.

Chapman’s 5 Love Languages:

The concept of Love Languages was developed by the bestselling author, Gary Chapman. He’s found 5 universal categories that we use to communicate love.

1. Words of Affirmation: Verbal expressions of love, gratitude, and appreciation.

2. Quality Time: Spending time together with shared interests, great conversation, or beautiful scenery.

3. Physical Touch: Any loving touch from snuggles, spooning, hand holding, back rubs, to sex.

4. Acts of Service: Doing something for your significant other like errands, chores, or repairs.

5. Gifts: Store bought or homemade gifts from necessity to fun.

Giving Gifts of Love Gently:

I think it’s great to have so many ways to communicate love. But I don’t think people like to be hit over the head with expressions of love. I prefer the subtle, even unintended, yet appreciated expressions of love. That is, gifts of love without conditions, pressure, or expectations.

So if you feel inspired to share your love language with your mate, do so without pressure or critique. Instead share what you most appreciate about them. For instance, “I love it when you/we  ________________.” Telling your mate without pressure is another way to communicate love.

There is no right or wrong way to show love. Mr. Chapman states that we each have a primary way of hearing and receiving love, but I have found that I’m open too many ways. I love hearing my language, but I also appreciate the ways my family speaks love in their own way.

Learning and speaking your mate’s “love language” is one of many ways to be emotionally intimate with your mate. We also share love by sharing our lives and our struggles. Give a complete gift package when you give gifts of love!

How do you best hear love? What ways does your mate feel most loved by you?

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Photo Credit: “Valentine’s Hot Chocolate Lovers” by UggGirl/UggBoy

“You want to be what when you grow up?” Alyssa’s Dad says accusingly.

Alyssa hesitates to answer her Dad. Yet with a deep breath she courageously responds with, “You heard right. I’m going to be an artist.”

“Well, don’t expect to come back to me for help when this moronic choice doesn’t work out for you,” her Dad blurts out and walks away.

Has this ever happened to you? You feel like you either need to give up yourself to keep the peace. Or you risk losing someone you care about to carve out your own path.

While not every family encounter is this intense, family pressure almost always exists. We can expect our family to pressure us about small choices and big decisions. This is part of the pain of growing up that doesn’t stop.

Yet we can define ourselves in the face of family pressure and differences. How do you do define yourself without turning away from those you love?

8 Ways to Define Yourself Without Losing Loved Ones:

You can both define yourself while staying in contact with those that think differently. It may be a challenge, but it is a growing experience.

State Your Differences Without Pressure: Say that you think differently without overly explaining or defending yourself. There is no pressure on the other to accept or adopt your different way or thinking.

Differences Aren’t Better or Worse: Think about differences as just different. Your way isn’t better or worse, it’s just the way that works for you.

People Are More Similar Than Different: This can be hard to accept. While we may have different lifestyle choices, we all struggle with similar emotions under the surface.

Interpret Differences Less Personally: Think of your family’s pressure as their anxiety projected onto you. When people worry, we get more sticky with others. We want others to do it our way, so we can feel calmer.

Attempt Good Personal Contact: Even in the face of cutoff (or threat of cutoff), let your loved one know you don’t want to lose them. For instance, tell them how important they are too you even if they think differently.

Focus On Topics Outside The Relationship: Beware of over-processing your relationship with your loved one. Share something about yourself even if different, and be interested in your loved one’s p0sition.

Set Boundaries When Abusive: If your loved one delivers their differences with name calling (or whatever you consider abusive), it’s okay to draw a line. You can’t make them stop, but you can draw a line by defining what you will or will not do.

Resume Contact After Calm Returns: In my opening example, Alyssa can stop taking calls from her Dad when he uses abusive language. But after she gives him time to calm down, she resumes contact. This is part of defining herself through the pains of growing up.

Defining and holding onto who you are even in the face of family differences is a great bonus to growing through the pains. And being able to stay in contact with those you differ from gives you more opportunities for ongoing learning and relationship resources. 

What helps you manage differences with your family without cutting off from them?

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Giveaway Winner: Thank you for taking the time to answer my blog survey. Tali form Treehouse Chatter wins the giveaway for a print copy of my e-book. (Tail, please email me your mailing address.)

Blog Survey Open for 7 More Days: I want to give more readers a chance to give me feedback and make topic requests. This post was inspired by 2 readers working on defining themselves in the face of family differences. (Note: All names in this post are fiction. Survey responses are recorded anonymously.)

Photo Credit: Ed Yourdon

The countdown to 2012 is approaching. What are your goals for next year?

Pick energizing goals that reflect your values. One thing I value most are my relationships with others. So, each year I identify how I want to grow in relating to my loved ones.

Being in the business of coaching others, I find there is always something I can work on. Some of my previous relating goals have been: 1) being more present, 2) being less critical, and 3) being more grateful. There is always room for grow.

Connect through Growing Yourself:

Do your relationships have room to grow? If yes, choose to work on yourself and how you interact with your loved ones. Connect with others by knowing and growing yourself. In doing so, you reduce the stress of loneliness and isolation.

Once you identify what you want to work on, don’t rely on good intentions alone. Define how you’ll reach your goal by breaking it down into small steps. What resources will you need to turn your growth goal into action?

“Vision without action is merely a dream.” ~ Joel A. Barker

My Top 6 Relationship Growth Tips:

To encourage you on your relational journey , I’ve included 6 posts I’ve written on Liberating Relationships. I picked these 5 tips based on what has been most useful to me:

• Shine Light on Communication Traps
• Keep Romance Alive with Respect
• Enjoy Your Relationship by Appreciating Differences
• Take Heated Conflict to Cooperative Decision
• Reduce Conflict with Do-It-Yourself Leak Kit
• Rekindle Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship

Each of you is the expert on yourself. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what makes your relationships more enjoyable and sustaining. Let this be a place to exchange ideas on what works for you.

2012 Post Planning: What questions do you have about relationship and personal growth?

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Photo Credit: “Heart” by seyed mostafa zamani

Have you ever felt like your soul mate turned into your roommate?

You wish you held the spark you once had for your mate. But you’ve been avoiding each other for so long. And, now you are unsure how to get over the wall you’ve built and light the fire of emotional intimacy.

Emotional distance is one of the primary complaints of couples that come to my office for marriage counseling. While I think it’s normal for romantic love to wax and wane over time, it’s very uncomfortable to lose that loving feeling for your partner.

What is emotional distance?

Many couples get emotional distance confused with marriage differences. Having a different goal or interest than your spouse doesn’t mean you have emotional distance. People can have very different interests, yet still have great intimacy and chemistry.

True emotional distance is a pattern of interactions. It is an emotional response to a perceived threat, and doesn’t occur without conflict. In other words, emotional distance is co-crated in an attempt to avoid conflict or feelings of hurt and rejection.

Almost everyone enjoys a little distance from time to time. It only becomes a problem when it erodes the emotional intimacy between a couple. To this extreme, you may feel little or no romantic feelings for your partner. It doesn’t have to end here, you can turn your feelings back on.

What is emotional intimacy?

First, you must understand what it is you’re wanting back. I’ve asked many couples how they define emotional intimacy, and each person has a somewhat different answer. To me, emotional intimacy includes both non-verbal and verbal interactions:

• physical attraction & touch
• eye contact
• openness about a variety of topics
• ease and comfort with each other
• more positive than negative feelings/thoughts about other
• sense of connection and knowing of self/other
• genuine care/regard for other’s best interest
• appreciation and shared leadership

What else defines emotional intimacy to you?

5 Steps to Rekindle Emotional Spark in Your Marriage:

While distancing is effective at avoiding conflict, it leaves you feeling more lonely and disconnected. So, how do you experience less loneliness stress and more joy in your relationship? Build a bridge to emotional intimacy by taking five small steps.

Step1: Identify what emotional distance is NOT

Couples often worry about spending time apart or not having enough common interests. If you share similar values on the big things, your relationship can withstand marriage differences.

Distinguish between times when your spouse has a different interest/goal, but it is not an emotional distancing response. For instance, your spouse may like to watch the hunting channel, but it is only distancing if he’s using it to avoid fighting with you. Otherwise, it’s just a different interest than you have.

Step 2: Recognize your own part in co-created distance

What do you do that is distancing? What do you do when you feel threatened? Again, you can distance in your internal reactions or your outward behaviors. Some examples of emotional distance are:

• Taking differences personally
• Being critical of spouse
• Over-helping spouse
• Being more negative than positive
• Over use of substances
• Using work/hobbies as avoidance of spouse
• Avoiding topics that upset your spouse

Step 3: Eliminate built up resentment

If your negative thoughts over-ride any positive feelings you may have, then you may be holding onto resentment. Are you tense and angry because of work/life stress or because of your marriage? You may be missing out on choices that you have right in front of you, and projecting your stress and frustration onto your spouse.

Step 4: Turn crisis into opportunity

If your marriage or relationship has reached a breaking point, take advantage of this crisis. Turn it into an opportunity for growth, and a time to work on yourself and how your relate to your mate. Fight off hopelessness and revive hope by believing in yourself.

Step 5: Do what makes you feel closer to your spouse

Are you waiting on your spouse to make the first move? Or, complaining about what your spouse doesn’t do anymore? Turn all that energy onto yourself. Focus less on what you fear, and more on what you want.

List all the ways you used to connect with your spouse. Look for things you can do instead of waiting on your spouse. Reach out without pressuring your mate to respond. Respect your spouse’s timing and movement.

You will be taking the final step over the gulf. You will be putting yourself back on to the bridge toward emotional intimacy. Here’s to falling in love with your partner again! It’s the best gift you can give yourself and your loved.

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Looking for ideas on how to calm yourself without using distance? Subscribe via email and receive a free copy of my e-book: “Take Charge of Your Worry (More Than 10 Ways to Manage Anxiety Naturally)”

Photo Credit: “Love of My Life” by Cris Matos

Do you want to feel more connected with others, yet are unsure how to penetrate a cloud of loneliness?

Your relationship warning light is blaring bright, but trapped in feelings of loneliness. Research psychologist, John Cacioppo, has found that “prolonged loneliness can be as harmful to your health as smoking or obesity.”

In his book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, Dr. Cacioppo and William Patrick, share his (social neuroscience) research with personal stories and easy to understand language. He stresses the importance of making personal connections with others for our health and well-being.

“Chronic feelings of isolation can drive a cascade of physiological events that accelerates the aging process.” ~ John Cacioppo

So, if prolonged loneliness makes us more at risk for poor health and untimely aging, then how do we stop the cascading avalanche before it covers us up completely? It is possible to free yourself from the trap of loneliness, whether occasional or prolonged.

What is Loneliness?

Loneliness is not being alone. It is the perception of isolation from others. For instance, even in a long term relationship or surrounded by people, you may still feel like no one really knows you. This is loneliness.

Dr. Cacioppo stresses that it is not how many contacts you have, it’s how meaningful and satisfying the contact is to you. If you are already stuck in the loneliness trap, you may be thinking that no one wants to make time for you or listen to you. This is how the loneliness trap gets it’s cascading claws on you.

Anxious Loneliness Trap

We all feel lonely sometimes. It’s a cue that we need to reach out to someone. It only becomes a problem when you get stuck in the loneliness trap, and don’t make personal contact with others.

“Loneliness becomes an issue of serious concern only when it settles in long enough to create a persistent, self-reinforcing loop of negative thoughts, sensations, and behaviors.” ~ John Cacioppo

Staying walled off from others or coming across as desperate are some of the behaviors that keep people more isolated. These actions attempt to prevent rejection, yet instead prevent personal connection. You end up creating what you fear, and reinforcing your assumptions.

“Whenever we feel like we might fail at an important task, this bias can cause us to handicap ourselves, producing insurmountable obstacles to our own success.” ~ John Cacioppo

5 Ways to Free Yourself from the Loneliness Trap

Don’t settle in the loneliness trap. Know you can free yourself. You can break down your own barriers again and again. In Dr. Cacioppo’s book, he presents 4 steps to “EASE into social connection.”

E = Extend Yourself – Experiment with getting “small doses of positive sensations that come from social interactions.” Pick safe places to experiment, such as in public, with strangers, or volunteering. Make contact with others without expecting anything in return.

A = Action Plan – Detail how you can change your thoughts, expectations, and behaviors toward others. Knowing you can do something different is empowering.

S = Selection – Choose where to invest your social energy. Identify how many relationships you want to invest in and where you want to meet people.

E = Expect the Best – If making contact doesn’t work out each time, don’t overanalyze it. Expect the best will develop over time. Don’t get hung up on one encounter.

I’m adding #5: Interrupt Worry – When you manage your worry better, you will be more open to making meaningful contact with others, both selected and unexpected. Clear out the negative, so you can give and receive.

“The soothing power of social connection depends on having a clear channel to receive it.” ~John Cacioppo

How do you successfully respond to your signals of loneliness?

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If you are looking for more ways to manage anxiety and worry, read my free e-book called Take Charge of Your Worry. 

For more information: Listen to John Cacioppo’s video on loneliness

Photo Credit: “The Lonely Path” by Paree Erica

“It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in U.S.) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage.”    ~Wikipedia (compilation of research studies)

Does this statistic alarm you? As a marriage counselor, the frequency of infidelity in marriages no longer surprises me. Instead, I am honored to have a unique vantage point. You have allowed me to observe what helps individuals and couples recover from infidelity.

Have you recently found out your spouse is having an affair? If yes, I imagine you are experiencing many different feelings. You can’t stop thinking about the affair and feel compelled to find out everything you can, even if it’s painful. By now, you are growing weary of holding onto the fear that the affair will happen again.

How do you recover from this news without losing your mind and yourself? Discover what choices you have in front of you, even if you feel like you have no choices. Your choice lies in how you respond and make sense of the affair. In doing so, you will chose what you are going to do as well as what you are not going to do.

What Not To Do When Your Spouse Has An Affair:

I have listened to you and heard what helps and hinders you from recovering from infidelity. Here’s what I think you’d say not to do…

• Don’t let the affair tear down your self-worth. You are not any less lovable or attractive. Someone else’s actions don’t have to reflect how important you are.
• Don’t get stuck on trying to fix your spouse. One of the ways your spouse deals with stress and tension is to turn to more than one person for comfort. Each time you try to fix them, you will be letting them off the hook from fully understanding and learning from this.
• Don’t over-focus on the affair. While it may be all you think about at first, it helps to look at the bigger marriage or family climate. The affair is typically a symptom of underlying marriage patterns or family stress level.

What To Do If Your Spouse Has An Affair:

Now, you know what has hindered others from recovering from an affair, but what about what helps? 

• Nourish Yourself: Expect to feel the symptoms of stress and anxiety. Look after yourself, more than looking after others. Find ways to manage worry and practice good self-care.
• Take Opportunity for Learning: Use the news of marriage infidelity as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your marriage. What do you want to change to improve your quality of life? What marriage patterns could be contributing to your marriage being vulnerable to infidelity?
• Allow Spouse’s Growth: Just as you are learning, allow your spouse to do their own self-discovery, even if this makes you anxious. The more you try to figure out your spouse’s part, the more it will stunt their growth.

When experiencing a high level of stress and anxiety, your first reaction may be to put all the blame on one person. While you are not responsible for how your spouse acted out this tension, you are both responsible for creating the marriage environment at the time of the affair starting.

Working on yourself can free you from being consumed with anxiety about the infidelity. It helps you feel more in control and moves you to the present while understanding the past. The affair is turned into an invitation to tend to what needs to grow.

What do you want to grow inside yourself?

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Looking for a counselor in your area? There are therapists who are trained to work with individuals on marriage and family issues: Bowen Family Systems or American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy

Photo Credit: “Look at Me” by Ruurmo

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Tess Marshall of The Bold Life

We are each responsible for the quantity and quality of love in our relationships. We have the power to infuse love into every moment of our day and build an amazing life.

My husband and I have been married 39+ years. We were married when I was 17 and pregnant. We learned very early, improving and maintaining a loving relationship, takes commitment willingness and effort.

“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us.  That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~Emily Kimbrough

Relationships contain our greatest lessons in life. We may have the best intentions, but it’s human nature to fall into a rut, get cranky, and take each other for granted.

Each day, we have the power and opportunity, to be more loving human beings. Tomorrows relationships are the results of the depth of our love today. At the end of the day we can add another page to our personal love story.

“You are either giving your deepest gifts or you are withholding your love in fear.” ~David Deida

7 Ways to Add to Your “Happily Ever After” Love Story:

1. Creating a Soul Connection

Allow kindness to create a mood of love. Behave in a kindly and complimentary manner towards each other. Catch your partner doing good things.

Focus on every thing positive. Enhance your relationship by having a big heart and a sparkling soul. Being kind and doing good creates a happy atmosphere, a place of safety. Make it your religion.

“Deep meaning lies often in childish play.”~Johann Friedrich von Shiller

2. Do things that bring both of you, joy.

Participate in activities you may not particularly enjoy. I like to run, Hubs likes to walk. When I’m training for a race he rides his bike with me. If I’m not training for a race, I walk with him.

We have learned to enjoy each other’s company while having fun together. With a little willingness, every couple can learn to create harmony and delight, in all aspects of their lives.

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.” ~ Swedish Proverb

3. Know your partner isn’t the source of your pain.

Take 100% responsibility for your relationship. It’s your thoughts, about the conflict or person that causes your pain. Notice what story you tell yourself, when you become hurt or angry.

If you are willing to drop your story or change your perspective, you will change your emotional state.

Individuals that change their own character defects shine light instead of darkness on their relationship.

“Love that does not renew itself every day becomes a habit and in turn a slavery.” ~ Khalil Gibran

4. Create a dinner time ritual.

Eating together is one way of gathering around the heart of a family. Fast food, busyness, and technology have robbed couples of their time to connect around a kitchen table over dinner.

Eating together provides nourishment for your body, mind and soul.

Body – Dinners cooked at home are likely to contain more nutrients and less fat. There is time to eat, taste, and enjoy your food.

Mind – Families learn to communicate more effectively as they discuss current events, values, children, and other everyday activities.

Soul – Bonding occurs when emotional support is offered, and a couple learns to enjoy and relax in each others presence.

5. Attacking is never justified. 

“Lust is easy. Love is hard. Like is most important.” ~Carl Reiner

The very traits you fall in love with in your mate, are the same traits that will begin to annoy you after the passion wears off in your relationship. Criticizing and nagging each other never solves problems.

When you are tempted to use speak unkindly or verbally abuse your partner, stop. Verbal abuse shatters one’s spirit and heart.

When you are angry, stressed or tired learn to soothe yourself by allowing yourself to spend time alone. Wait until you’re calmed down, to discuss difficult issues.

6. Love is a verb.

“If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say?  And why are you waiting?”  ~Stephen Levine

We often mistake love for a feeling. There will be times when you will feel like you aren’t “in love” with your partner anymore. People mistake love for infatuation or fantasy.

Love is a verb, it’s about taking action.  Choose to take loving action by complimenting, helping, appreciating, listening, sharing, praising, and pleasing your partner. Give away the love you want to feel.

If you want to be understood, be empathetic. If you want praise, give praise. If you want to be forgiven, become a forgiving person. When you behave lovingly, you begin to feel loving and loved. Choose to act and react out of a spirit of love today.

7. Spend wisely.

“Just because one of you earns the more doesn’t mean that person should lord over how the money is handled.” ~Suze Orman

Debt is the number one cause of failed relationships. Learn to separate your needs from your wants. Discuss and agree upon how your money will be allocated and budgeted.

Don’t compare yourself, home, car, job, children, or your life with others. Wanting what you don’t have creates suffering.

Honesty creates transparency. Hiding purchases or hoarding money destroys trust. Practice gratitude and appreciation together, for what you have today.

If necessary, seek financial help. If your debt is the result of an addiction, seek help from a professional and attend Debtors Anonymous.

Establish an emergency fund. Remember, it’s never too late to save for your future. Your relationship is at stake here. Don’t allow money to get in your way. Love is more important than money.

Allow each other the freedom and the space needed to grow inside and out. Dedicate your days to loving and taking care of each other. Dream together. Have fun and never underestimate the power of creating good times!

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Tess Marshall is a speaker, author, fear shattering, calculated risk taker, obsessed with being happy, courageous and bold. Her blog,The Bold Life is a juicy mix of inspiration, spirituality, and personal development. Download for free her eBook, “Peace, Love, and Connection” at The Bold Life and follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

Top Photo Credit: JLStricklin

Are you tired of arguing about the same thing over and over again? Arguments go in circles. Forgetting what started the argument. Instead, focusing on how you are talking to each other, once sparks start popping.

The intensity heats up with each blaming statement. It’s met with a counter-jab. You are both on the defensive or trying to prove your point. Hoping you can convince the other one to agree with you. Does this sound familiar?

We’ve all been there, experienced unresolved conflict. But for some couples, conflict plagues most of their interactions. Knowing you have a part in creating and reducing conflict can be freeing.

Conflict is Co-Created

Most conflicts don’t start as a we-problem. That is, until both spouses are focusing on getting the other to change. The conflict can be triggered when one person “leaks” on the other.

The quickest way to lower the heat on a conflict is to acknowledge your part. It definitely lowers my heart rate! Once I figure out how I may have heated up the interaction, I can begin to calm down. In that moment, I switch from blaming to being responsible for myself.

I’m not the martyr, as it’s not all my fault. Although tempting, I don’t have to convince my spouse what his part is, he either sees it or he doesn’t. The calming part is knowing both of our reactions create the conflict.

3 Steps for Taking a Conflict to Cooperation:

What else can we do besides owning our part in the conflict? When you have conflict regarding a joint decision, here a few steps to help you through conflict to cooperation:

1. Identify Agreement – What do you agree on? Look for common goals, even if you have different ideas about how to get there.

For instance, a thirty-something, married couple agree on staying out of debt. To help track their spending, Jacob and Mary decide to let each other know when either plans on spending over $200.

Jacob comes home excited, “I’m going to buy a motorcycle. I’ve always wanted one.” And Mary responds with shock and despair, “You what?!” (I’m not picking on men, women like to shop too!)

2. Identify Disagreement – What can you not bend on? Clearly share what you are not willing to do.

Mary tries to collect herself, asking “How are you going to pay for this dream bike?” Jacob responds somewhat defensively, “I notice we have a nice sum of money in savings, so I won’t have to buy it on credit. And, the owner is going to give me a great deal.” Mary quickly defines, “I’m not okay with using our family savings for a motorcycle. Do you have any other ideas?”

3. Compromise or Disagree – When do you hold the line and when are you okay with being flexible? Find a solution you can both live with.

Jacob scuffs his foot on the floor, pauses and states, “I’m willing to work a second job for a few months.” (He isn’t willing to compromise on his dream, but he is willing to be flexible by making additional money.) Mary hesitates, knowing she’ll miss having him home, but says “Go for it, and get me a helmet too.”

Not all conflicts reach a compromise this easily. Jacob could have said he was going to pay with credit. Then, Mary would have “agreed to disagree” by letting Jacob be the one to pay off the debt. If Mary can let the responsibility stay in Jacob’s lap, then they have found a solution they can both live with.

Differences Can be an Asset

Having differences isn’t the problem; it is how you respond to the differences. Not suppressing your feelings to avoid conflict. But, by learning how we play a part in inviting the reactions we don’t want.

“When people can listen without reacting emotionally, communication is wide open and differences are an asset to a marriage, not a liability.” ~ Dr. Michael Kerr

How do you make differences an asset in your relationship?

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Photo Credit: “The Moment” by Sean McGrath

We can all leak like a dripping faucet. Wanting others to stop our leak or collect our water. Most conflict starts right here, with a leak.

A fight starts when you leak your feelings into the relationship. With too much pressure on the pipe, it may burst. The more you focus on what the other is doing, the more pipes are leaking and bulging. The kitchen sink gets involved, and defensive and attacking postures ignite.

Now, you are arguing about how you are talking to each other, instead of the original problem. You are so mad that you have forgotten what started the fight. When conflict gets this intense, it can be hard to contain the leak.

How do we reduce conflict?

Conflict equals putting pressure on others to change. While you may never eliminate conflict, you can reduce it. I’m not talking about keeping the peace at all cost or hiding in a cave.

The most important tool in reducing conflict is learning the difference between “we” and “I” problems. The more you work on yourself, the more you won’t need to leak. The less pressure you put on your loved one, the more personal your connection will become.

I get leaky, we all do. While I can’t stop all my leaks, I can get better at recognizing my part in the conflict. And, I can get faster at catching my leaks. Let me share some tools I have for repairing my own leaks.

3 Tools to Put in your Leak Repair Kit:

1. Identify

Our emotions react faster than our awareness. Our thinking brain is slower to catch up. Once you realize you are having a feeling, identify it, and own it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone doesn’t respond to my message – phone call, email, letter, it’s all the same to me. In the past, I would have told the person that “it hurt my feelings.” This typically invites defensiveness, and hen the conflict starts.

I’ve repeated this conflict many times, with many different people. And, I’m starting to learn that I take their non-response very personally. I take it to mean that they don’t care about me. I’m learning that this is only one of many ways to think about it.

2. Create

Create ways to soothe your own feelings. It can be by changing your thoughts or saying soothing statements to yourself. Or, you may find it more soothing to do something, such as reading, deep breathing, exercising, cleaning, etc. Find what works for you to calm yourself, so you don’t need to leak.

I’m learning that if someone doesn’t respond to my message, it almost always has nothing to do with me. It’s more likely that it is a reflection of the other person. I change my thinking and broaden my perspective. Their actions aren’t a reflection of how they feel about me. My feelings are soothed.

3. Decide

Once you have calmed your reaction, decide whether or not to communicate your feelings. Can you tell your loved one how you are feeling without pressuring them to change? Are you letting your loved one know you are having a leaky moment, but are working on repairing it? That’s personal, not pressure.

I may decide to tell my loved one, “I am worrying again that you don’t want to talk to me.”And when I do, I am not pressing for a discussion, just letting myself be known, in this moment.

Or, I may chose to not communicate my emotions. Instead, I work on communicating what I’m thinking, planning, or doing. “I’d love to catch up” (but am okay if we don’t).

“There are no mistakes or failures, only lessons.” – Denis Waitley

I’m getting better at managing my own feelings. Yet, there will always be those days when I need a do-over. I wake up the next morning, ready to learn from the previous day. Each day is filled with opportunity to learn about myself and what it’s like to be in a relationship with me.

What tools do you have in your repair kit?

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Photo Credit – The Leak by Patrick Emerson

Do you remember when differences were exciting? Learning about your mate was like reading a mystery novel. In the beginning, even your mate’s flaws were endearing. You weren’t trying to change each other. You accepted them just the way they are.

Time passes. Households are shared. Stress happens. Tension rises. You start to notice differences with your mate. The differences start to get under your skin. You wonder how you can tactfully get your mate to see there is  a better way, your way.

What if we don’t have to change our spouse to be happy again? We have a choice. Try to change the differences or grow to appreciate them. Remember what it’s like to be attracted to your mate by accepting individual differences.

How Do You Appreciate Your Differences?

• Be curious – Observe. Interact. Differences can be interesting. Enjoy learning about your spouse. Sameness can be dull. Differences can be lively and engaging.
• Look for similarities – If all you can see is differences, look for commonalities. You may find you have more in common than you thought. Maybe you value the big things, but differ on how to get there. Or, maybe you both lose your temper with your kids, yet you get angry about different behaviors.
• See the humor – Be light-hearted. We trip and fall and get up again. We are all trying to do the best we can. It can even be humorous to keep learning the same lessons again and again. Humor, when used respectfully, can be a great tension reducer.
• Respect individuality – Differences don’t mean that one is better or worse, right or wrong, it’s just different. When there’s room for individuality, there is room for connecting and growing together.

“When we judge, we leave no room for love.” – Mother Teresa

What’s Good About Having Differences?

Appreciating differences with your mate can make them more attractive to you. Yet, connecting with your mate doesn’t stop here.

How upset do you get when you disagree or argue with your mate? Do you tend to avoid conflict to keep the peace? At all costs to you or your marriage.

I think we all agree that tension is uncomfortable, but what is good about having disagreements?

• Mystery – Differences keep some mystery in the relationship. I don’t think I want to spend endless hours talking to someone who thinks exactly like I do. I think I would bore easily. New and different can be interesting.
• Learning – Kids learn about differences. Kids can relate to each parent in a different way. For example, a child may know that with Dad, I shake it off, but with mom I can cry about it. Both lessons are helpful.
• Problem Solving – Differences open up more possible solutions to problems. As a couple, you may compromise, or you may take turns.  Decide when to be flexible and when to hold your own position.

So, do opposites still attract? Yes and no. I think we are often more similar under the surface than we think. We may look or act different. Yet, we each want to be ourselves while enjoying personal relationships. Accepting differences is only one of the ways couples are able to enjoy each other more.

What helps you appreciate differences with your mate?

To receive regular updates, follow Marci’s blog by subscribing via RSS or by Email . If you enjoyed reading this, you may also like my guest article on The Bold Life: 10 Intimacy Boosters by Being Yourself

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published for the Psychology, Philosophy, and Real Life blog. It has been revised from the original title of “Marriage Secrets Unveiled: Do Opposites Still Attract?”

Photo Credit: Felix Fracis

Money is among the most common topics couples argue about. I don’t think it matters if you have a lot or a little, managing money can stir up a lot of emotion.

So, how do you navigate the waters of money management when you share bills and money? Do you keep separate accounts? Do you sit down each month and pay the bills together? I don’t think there is a right or wrong way here. Yet, I do think the more you can take emotions out of money management, the more cooperative you will be when discussing money matters.

How do you know that your emotions have gotten in the way of managing your money better? Here are some signs that your emotions may be holding you captive when it comes to money:

• Spending beyond your means/income
• Hiding debt/credit cards from spouse
• Never opening/looking at bank statements
• Letting someone else manage the money for you
• Managing spending for someone else
• Not wanting to talk about financial details
• Overspending to get even with spouse/feel better about self

Do any of these sound like you? Before you go pointing a finger at your spouse or significant other, try to only take an inventory of yourself. It’s always easier to see others flaws, isn’t it?

Once you recognize your part in, what can you do to calm the emotional waters under the surface of the conflict about money?

Sort out worry from the facts.

With the unemployment rate higher than usual and talk of economic recession, it’s really hard not to have some worry about finances these days. Yet, when you can tease out your worry from the facts, you better understand your financial reality. Maybe it’s worse than you thought, but maybe it’s not as bad as you had feared.

For instance, Jane worries about her husband, Ted’s real estate investments. Jane fears that the real estate mortgage may have to be paid by the family budget. When she looks at the facts, Jane is able to recognize that Ted has never paid for his investment property out of their joint account. So, how did this worry get stirred up?

Jane shields Ted from money matters. She handles all the bills and bank statements. She does not want to upset her husband. Ted grew up “dirt poor” as he describes it, so spends freely as he makes it. Ted worries that the money will run out, so he better buy it when he has the money. If there is ever a money problem, Jane figures out a solution. Jane usually spends less and accommodates Ted’s spending habits.

So, how does this couple get back on track?

Communicate the facts.

Once both Jane and Ted have identified their money worries; that is, there “what ifs.” Then, this couple opens up a choice, to make decisions based on what if or what is.

They could each communicate the facts instead of continuing to swim in their worries. Instead of keeping each other in the dark, they each could communicate the facts. For instance, Jane can include Ted in the bill paying process by stating, “I can’t pay (bill name) this month.” And, Ted can also communicate the facts by stating, “I want to buy a new weed eater for $150 next month.”

It is much easier to discuss the facts then your worries. This approach invites problem solving by keeping emotions turned down. Once couples are more cooperative and open with each other about their money facts, they can get down to the practical steps of getting their finances on track.

If you are looking for a new way to manage your money, here are some practical steps to help you find out what works for you.

Identify Your financial goals.

When you are steeped in conflict and differences, you may not think you have a common goal. While you may differ on the small things, I bet you have a common value or goal. What is it? Get out of debt? Save for vacations/home repairs/emergencies? Replace your car? Invest in retirement?

Once you have identified your joint, long term financial goals, also identify your short-term, individual goals. Join sport league? Get weekly manicures? Whatever your individual goals, decide whether it is realistic to make both the couple and individual goals happen? If it is, how do you make your goals a reality?

Develop a plan to make your goals happen.

Find a system for defining how to live within your current income. Financial guru, Dave Ramsey urges us to “spend it on paper first.” (Click here to download free budgeting forms.)

Writing it down helps you see the facts as well as your choices. Out of this, define for yourself what you are willing to do and what you are not. For instance, if you want more cable channels, what are you willing to give up? Is someone willing to make more money or spend less in an area?

Follow through with your plan.

I think this is the hardest part; that is, following through with your plan and continuing to manage your emotional reactions with your spouse. By now, you have identified what gets in the way of managing your money better, both inside and out.

People manage their actions and reactions in different ways. Experiment and discover what works for you. When old habits and heated arguments start to peak their ugly head, ask yourself this: Do you want to act based on how you feel in the situation or your long-term goals?

Don’t let fear and money be your master! You may be sharing your ship with your first mate, but you are the captain of the sea.

It’s your turn. I want to hear your perspective. What helps you share your resources with your first mate? Share what helps you navigate the waters of money management.

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Photo Credits: Mike Baird