It’s not like that though, it never really is. That stuff if usually for the movies or when our imaginations run wild, creating scenarios in our head too far fetched we know that it will never happen.

Moving on though does cover a lot of stages, and everyone has different stages but these are certainly my moving on stages:

1. Acknowledging

So for me this pretty much means that its definite that there will be no ” lets try again” from this stage onwards or that the feelings are completely one sided. It’s me acknowledging that things have to change and will change because they are no longer in my life. Just because I’ve acknowledged this fact, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I want to agree with it but I’ll just have to get on with it because I don’t have much of a choice.
2. Lingering

For me lingering often is the longest time for me to get over and usually the one that I keep on coming back to. This means that I’m still looking back at the memories, staying in the past for more than I should, reading the emails, keeping old contacts just to see how they are, trying to find ways to talk to them about said person and pretty much everything I can do or have the will to do so that I can still hear their name.
3. Trying 

Trying usually involves me having to psych myself into this state of mind where I bring myself down, where I tell myself that there is no going back, that he hurt me, that he never cared for me and pretty much to the point where there is no more of that happy feeling of them left in me. I know this might sound a bit masochistic but its probably not as painful as I described it. Usually I go back and forth from lingering to trying for a long time.
4. Understanding

Understanding for me means that you’re finally ready to let go and that you understand that by getting rid of all memories of them, getting rid of the ways to contact them, that you’ll have that person leave your life for good and that there’s nothing you can do to try and get what you guys had before back. It means that you’re willing to delete him off facebook, get rid of the presents, the pictures of you guys on your phone and stop asking his friends about updates of his life. Once you’ve reached that understanding and you know that you wont feel any regret in doing so then you go and act upon those feelings.
5. Letting Nature Take its Course

This one I guess is pretty self explanatory. You’ll start to forget about him, he will just be another faceless person in your dreams and you’ll start keeping yourself busy or discovering things you used to love but quit doing. You’ll find ways to reinvent yourself or just find ways to keep yourself busy and happy.
6. Realization

One day you’ll just be lying in bed thinking about him and realizing something different. That he’s just a memory, the feelings that you once bore are there no more and that they’ve been transferred to someone else.. and by this time you feel like your finally ready to move on with your life as you sigh and say to yourself  ”i’ve moved on.” that becomes your singing mantra for so long that you’ve started to believe it and that you are truly at peace with yourself and found yourself to be able to open up to someone else who is worthy of your time.

There’s one thing I’m not completely sure about when it comes to moving on though, I’m not so sure what hurts more.. acknowledging the fact that you have to move on or realizing after trying for so long that you have moved on and that every memory and feeling from that person is completely wiped out.

Fifteen – Taylor Swift Cover

Weekend Vlog Video

So here’s my simple look & I’m wearing the following things:

• Isometric skirt from Glassons $10
• Razorback spagetti strap patterned top from JayJays $15
• Woven knit 3/4 sleeve cardigan from valleygirl for $30
• Red Ring from Lovisa for $5
• Silver heart ring from family friends for my 18th
• Nails: Fruit Punch from Maybelline Mini Colourama $5

I would have posted this yesterday but I got home late and then my friend came over to help me bake a cake for our friend’s birthday and it was the first time I was working with Fondant and i’d have to say I believe I did a pretty good job considering that fact I’ll show you her cake tomorrow seeing as I’ll do a post about her birthday since its really her birthday tomorrow & I’m hoping she doesnt see this post before I give her the cake! haha We’re heading to hers tonight so I’m sure she wouldn’t Also I just got an email from the job interview and I didn’t get the job Its okay.. there are more jobs out there! oh and also I actually made a new youtube account so if you love the fashion you see here please go and subscribe to it! it would mean the world to me Check out my youtube here! oh and also thought I had to share these two cute photos of my brother and I haha

17.4.2009
Dearest Dane,

I know that the date on this is REALLY off to the date that i’m giving you this letter but you have to know that i’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I know that I could have  just emailed you or something like that but I once heard that putting it on cyberspace just feels like anyone can access it..

Anyways I’m starting to lose my point.. so here it is. These past few months has been the most challenging, but probably best months of my life. And at the moment, as I was writing this, you were “god knows where” and we didn’t get a chance to talk. But ever since the day you called caitlin a “lying, obsessive bitch” and started to not talk to her, she became miserable and she’s my friend and I felt bad that I was the reason behing it all. At times I do agree that she can be an obsessive bitch, but can’t we all?

Okay.. I’m dragging my points again and I still haven’t gotten to the point of this whole thing. I guess I really must dread what’s about to happen, but I have to do it.

Someone once told me that If you love someone so much, you’d be willing to let them go if you ever need to.. and that’s what I’m doing.

I CAN’T stand to know that Caitlin is upset because I “stole” her crush and I also CANT stand to know that I’m getting in the way of something that was meant to happen. She deserves you more than I do, She needs you. To her, you are like he air. You’re the reason that she lives. I know you would ask what you are to me.. so here it is. You are the entire universe to me. Without you, there’s no me. At least the me that I am with you, the real me.. no stereotypes, no nothing.

But getting back to my point, If you are with Caitlin, you’ll have a happy life with no complications. Well at least no more complications than necessary. But if you are with me, our life would be just a modern Romeo & Juliet, 2 star crossed lovers.

So you’re better off with her and I know that you said you don’t know how you feel about her but I think that you like her because there has to be a reason as to why you feel her up and make out with her when you’re together. Just make her happy, I know that I wont be happy myself but i’ve told you before that I would rather hurt myself than to hurt someone else.

I guess I will regret this, I do regret this but there’s nothing I can do.. as much as I want to be with you, I also want Caitlin to be happy, but I can’t have it both ways.  I know I said forever, I even said eternity but forever never lasts and eternity was just a figment of my imagination. Come back to me when or if you want to okay?

So here it is, my final at, the closing curtain. My final goodbye. I fought the bloody war, ignored the rampaging peasants and disobeyed thy parents. I got wounds and scars all over my body, things that will heal over time but something, the only wound that wont ever heal is the wound on my heart. The same heart that took flight and flew to you by choice, the heart that stopped when I first saw you smile and the heart which has your name all over it. Take care of Caitlin okay? If you want, you could show her this if you want to.

But I am sorry that I broke our promise, the promise that I’ll always be there for you. At least Caitlin is there.. Just don’t get into too many fights with her and love her as mush as you can.

Lieza Jordan

Ps. this will most probably be the last time or the last thing that you’ll hear from me. I don’t think that i’ll be able to talk to you knowing what’s happening between you and Catie. We’ll all be going our separate ways.
Pps. Thank you.. for everything. I know that this is going to be one of the most stupidest mistakes ever but it’s for Caitlin . but I’ll be here hoping that you’ll come back to me.

oh and just a little side note, I never gave this letter to him haha! I also have come to realise that I dont even have those feelings for him anymore and that dane and catie never ended up getting together.. he still came back for me and still kind of is trying to come back to me.

And not only will this let me declutter my room but I honestly believe it’s all part of my “new me” look that i’m going for. I’m trying to be more determined, more clean and precise. I want to make sure every part of my life is in order and that definitely means that for the rest of the year I’m going to try and not go after a guy or even get into any sort of relationship for now. I definitely need to stay single for now and I really want to focus on school and my future career for now Course i’ll still have fun every now and then, but for now stage #1 is to get rid of all the unnecessary items and even do some DIY projects with my old clothes but those DIY projects will most likely be left for a rainy day, but for now I definitely just have to clear everything & figure out how I want to redo my room too!

She ended up choosing the second one and in case you guys were wondering what her blog is then just click here :) she’s just started blogging so feel free to welcome her into the blog-osphere!

at the moment i seriously feel like a lot of things about my life is bound to change soon so hopefully jobwise, schoolwise and lovewise its all coming around the time I turn 19.. haha i know its not supposed to feel like a big change from 18 to 19 but i can feel change a-coming

WELL I’ve been clinging onto those things for about nearly a year now and slowly they’re starting to become more and more meaningless and I think today I’m finally able to say goodbye to Mark completely. I guess I’ve been meaning to say goodbye for a long time now but I think it was only until after I wrote that letter ( in a previous post: view here ) that I actually realised that it was my closure letter. In a way I think i’ve been preparing myself to let go of him and I’m finally ready to do so..

If you’ve read my about page i’ve mentioned that i act on impulse and I know im sure of what I have to do to finally let go of him but its still an impulse that i feel i might regret in a couple of days so i definitely need to sleep on it!

But I will tell you one thing, I’m happier now then I was a couple months ago and that’s definitely a great start

Not that that’s a bad thing though cause personally I don’t mind laying around in bed, I think its more to the fact that we’re feeling like absolute shit.

So as my brother is trying to get some sleep I’m typing away, writing about how horrible I feel whilst thinking I should probably check my mailbox. I ordered 2 things for my macbook and I’m hoping they’ll come in soon. I doubt it’ll be this week though seeing as I only ordered it this week.. so maybe next week. Since I’m presentable today I might as well check.

Anyways I’m steering away from the point.. when he asked me to go on with my theory of having different types of love, this is what I came with..

“Well each relationship is different and you only receive a different kind of love.. have you ever heard of the saying ” we accept the love we deserve”? I used to think that it meant that if we believe that we don’t deserve to be loved, we’ll get used, mistreated or maybe not even loved at all.. & I guess that theory still applies but I think it also means that at certain times in life we need certain kinds of love to get us through what we’re currently facing and that’s the kind of love you find and receive..”

In complete honesty, with this conversation being late at night; my answer came from a deep area of myself and in that moment I knew that what I was saying reign true to me. I’ve only had one good relationship in this short life of mine & I’m sure that there are more loves for me to find out there but in the short amount of time that I’ve lived there are a couple things about love that I’ve learned & mind you some of them might be completely cliched but at least for me it reigns true.

So this is what I’ve learnt so far:

• The love of your family is probably the strongest love you can receive. I know if you’re going through a rough time with your family this is probably hard to believe but I’ve done so many bad things in the past where it came to the point where my parents lost all trust in me and from then I honestly thought that I’d just play out the years and eventually leave and they’d have nothing to do with my life anymore. I thought that I’d be able to live without them and after this year of getting close to them I’ve realised that they’ve always had my back and tried to guide me in the best way that they can and for that I’m forever thankful.
• Your first love, the one you finally open your heart to and tell them you love them and mean it only to have that same love in return.. will always stay the same. As hard as you try to get over that first love, you won’t. Some people are lucky enough to marry their first love but at the moment I had to let mine go in hope he’ll return. Maybe he will, maybe he wont.. whatever happens i’ll always cherish the memories we made.
• Puppy love is just simply that. You get attracted to someone and your so overjoyed you believe that this is what true love is, but its usually not. It’s just like it’s name; when you see a puppy or your puppy for the first time, your filled with so much warmth and you care about that puppy and you want to be with that puppy but in the end of the day or when your away from that puppy, the only thing that will connect you to him/her is how you felt in that moment, you take the pictures away and you take the memories with you and all you’re left with is a numb, calm feeling that most likely tells you to earn for that puppy again but you know you can live without it.
• Love has no boundaries, no rules and has a form of its own. Even in the times you believe your not capable of loving it comes to you and tells you to believe in it again, believe in the magic it brings.. that moment where love brings two strangers in a world of people together for those breathtaking moments.
• Sometimes Love screws up.. the timing is wrong, the situation is wrong but love is forever true. It might take some time in forgiving the person in what they’ve done but when you feel like that person needs a second chance and they want it, take it.
• Love is about taking those leaps of faiths. not the leaps that will leave you poor and at a lost of friends but something that will benefit your relationship and something that you believe is right.
• The best kind of love is the one that makes you feel good about yourself, makes you believe you are better than what you once believed, gives you hope in all things, brings positivity in your life and allows you to radiate that love to everyone you touch.

Cause it’s just like any others. I have my good days & I have my bad days ( no i’m not just talking about those PMS days) , I have dreams and goals, I have a wild imagination and I will most likely be one of the biggest hopeless romantics you will probably ever meet. But what is it about this blog that I hope differentiates it from those other personal blogs? Well I know it’s all just word of the mouth and no precise promise to keep this but I promise to be completely honest, to write down my version of the story; even if it does differentiate from others perspectives. Granted I’ll probably change the names of the people in my life because even though I’m practically posting my life here now, there are things that need to be kept private.

So I guess that’s it for now, I hope you do stay tuned…