WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY do you feel the need to ruin every single one of my childhood memories.

NO!

This is the sad reality of my life. The highlight? I love to dunk my biscuits The downer? Somewhere at the bottom of my ‘not really big enough’ mug, is a beached whale of a biscuits, lurking, waiting to attack me with its dreaded crumbs.

Don’t you just hate it when you think you’ve got the perfect dunk going on and then suddenly… PLOP! And you’re showering your keyboard in tea. Now it’s sticky. Fantastic. Like I said before, this is the sad reality of my life…

Actually though, it isn’t really all that sad at all. I rather like it.

I have always prefered being in my own little space, rather than being out and about with large groups of people… I mean, I like being out, but I only like to be with one or two people. After tha, I just get annoyed…

I don’t like mixed biscuits either. if I’m gonna have tea and biscuits, I want them to all be the same kind… Don’t mix tastes, because it’s pretty much poison. Idiots.

Why am I even writing this post?…

Basically, I could have just said; ‘it’s cold here, I want to be somewhere warm.’ but no, I just drag that out into another 250 words. That is the way of the world.

In other news, I am sick to death of always being tired, no matter how much I sleep. Actually, the more I sleep, the more exhausted I seem to become… Stupid world.

BLEEEEEEEH!

Any advice on some good new TV to watch???

Right now, for a number of reasons, I can’t just commit to making vlogs or videos, and if I did force myself to make them, then they wouldn’t have the quality or content that I’d like to be able to put out… To me, if I can’t do the job i want to do, that i’d want to see, then there is no point me doing it at all…

I’m not saying that there will never be videos again at all, because I’d like to think that maybe, hopefully, I can maybe make one a month.. And, if and when I have more time, energy and a little less commitment in my life, I might just get back to making videos…

To be honest, something happened at the start of this week that genuinely made me lose faith in the internet… I’ve never really felt insecure before, but what happened actually scared me… On Monday night I would have quite happily deleted my youtube, twitter, facebook and even here…

I felt like I had been so personally targeted by what happened, and when it comes to the internet, it just shows that no one is safe… ever… not truely safe…

The worst part is mostly that so many of my own personal insecurities, things that I normally no longer notice or have to deal with, have now come right back to the surface and I have to deal with them all over again…

So, for the time being, my youtube and all the videos that are there will remain there, but it is entirely that at some point in the future, when I know what I want, they could be gone. I’m not going to say until I know… In an ideal world, I will take a small break, occasionally putting up a video, and get myself back on track to the point where I can restart normal video routine…

I’m sorry for this, but right now, I’m just not in a place or position where I can make the videos that i want to make…

Hopefully, this isn’t goodbye forever, just goodbye for now…

And on the plus, I’m going to be sticking to my roots and you’ll be seeing a lot more of me here!!! Here’s to the future guys!!! <3

I love you all, and thanks for sticking with me!

I wish I could just sleep through them, except, I absolutely detest sleeping through a day, because I hate the idea that i’ve wasted some of my time, and we only have so much time in our lives, and you never know when that time is gonna come to an end…

I just wanna make the most of every second of my life, always. I want to enjoy everything I can, as much as I can. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that?…

I feel like at the moment, I’m trapped… I don’t really know what direction I want my life to go in, and I don’t know what I want to do with my future… I have some basics, like where I want to live and the people I want to spend my time with, but, that’s all I have…

I hate living and not knowing…

WEHHHHHH!

IDIOTS!

Obviously, I have filled up my car today (after queing for close to an hour) and I genuinely felt sickened watching men and women fill their stupidly large cars with up to £120 in petrol/diesel. Seriously? My car is full to the top on about £65/£70 and I never let it get low enough to fill it with that much…

Well… not normally… today I filled my car to the top, but mostly only because my dad asked me too, because he knows that I’m going away next weekend for a couple of days and apparently my tank on full should get me there and back just fine…

I was actually thinking I would just sit this whole drama out and avoid my car but my dad made the decision and honestly, if that’s what he says then that is what I’m going to do…

However, i am in no way what so ever buying because I’m worried…

If I worry about things , then I’m gonna end up just like everyone else… IDIOTS! God I’m actually so angry about this stupid situation now.

What is this weather and when did I decide to let us be warm in march? I mean, is this even legal? I’m pretty sure there is a law somewhere that makes being warm virtually illegal… Who am I too question the rules and the law really?

I’m hoping to get a couple of poems and/or maybe, just maybe, at least a section of a short story I’ve written, up and kicking online… If I don’t manage it then I don’t manage it but I’ve been writing so much over the last couple of days that it seems right to share at least some of it now.

Anyway, gonna love you and leave you now guys

Hope you have a good morning, noon or night depending where you are in the world

This is gonna be magic!

So exited!

I don’t need you anyway. I can do just fine without you. In fact, I think I’ll actually do better. So, off with you, go find someone else to mess with, because I’m not gonna sit here and pretend we’re all cool anymore

Yeahp.

S’LONG SUCKER!

Pain is such a strange thing.

I feel like writing this online is only fitting; a final farewell on the internet, the place that brought us together, and a place that always let us be ourselves…

For about the last four and a half years, I have had a penpal, someone I could almost always talk to and someone that always had a funny story to tell… I’d say over the last two years we probably didn’t email more than once a month, not because we grew apart but because his life changed and of course, emailing wasn’t always a priority or a possibility.

At the end of February, he died due to a longterm medical condition.

I only recieved an email off of his partner just over an hour ago. Honestly such heartbreaking news. I knew it was coming but, honestly, I guess you try and hide those facts from life sometimes.

Right now I’d just like to send all my love and positive thoughts to his amazing partner who always stood strong by him. Hopefully, we will carry on the tradition and keep each smiling in the future…

Whatever happens in the future, I’ll always hold a space in my memories for two amazing people.

So much love your way

<3

P!nk – Who Knew

This hurts to watch so much… more than almost anything else I’ve seen on TV in my life.

Why does this hurt so bad? Because they are my ideal. The relationship they have, it is perfection. It is what I want. I crave that so bad. They are the best friends that can share life and love, and support each other through every moment of life.

No matter how hard life is, they stand strong together as a unit.

On TV, there are few couples this strong, this inspiring. The Gilmore Girls had Luke and Loralai. Desperate Housewives had Lynette and Tom.

It is very rare that these couples happen.

It is rarer that they because thsi beautiful.

In fairness, this is possibly one of the most powerful moments on TV I have ever seen.

True Beauty.

Things end for a reason, and for me at least, it was the right thing. I couldn’t have continued with what was happening, and now it’s over, I feel so much more free… I feel like I have less worries and I feel less anger. I ended things because it was what was needed. It was that simple. If I hadn’t have ended things, then the situation would have just dropped to complete hate and misery.

I would never ever go back on that decision. It hurt, but, at the same time, continuing would have hurt so much more. I couldn’t deal with things anymore. Nothing was a match, nothing was a fit, and there was very little connection. I always felt in the wrong, like things were my fault, and I felt such a huge pressure to keep everything running by myself. It didn’t work, and it wasn’t fair.

Like I said, I would never go back on things.

I am happy now, and I am happy with what I have got, what I am working with and I am seriously looking forward to a new future… Of course it’s natural to miss someone, especially when you spent two years together… but… you just gotta move forward and grow.

I hate feeling so negative about myself, but today, I have felt like a horrible person, and I know I’m not. It isn’t fair to make me feel bad over what was. It was the past, and every second is now, and every minute is the future. I am going to move and live my future now, and, I’m sorry, but no matter how much it hurts, I can’t make things any different.

I think it’s pretty clear what this is about, and for some reason, I don’t know how to express this… I don’t wanna cause any hurt, and I know this is probably gonna do just that, but, I can’t do anything else…

I’m always gonna be here as a friend, a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with… I will always be here for advice, and I will never forget the good times. I have grown as a person, both with you, and now without. We have grown in different ways, and we can’t grow into a mold. We have to consist only to ourselves now.

I’m sorry.

Neither of us messed up at all.

Growing is natural, and we both grew.

At some point, you gotta grow alone, and sooner or later, you will meet someone else to grow with, and with that I wish you the greatest luck, because you deserve it. Hopefully, I have found someone to grow with, and in time, the world will know.

Life takes time, and times a great healer.

Good luck

My parents. I love them, and they’ve pretty much always been amazing to me, and I’m really greatful not only to have them as parents, but to actually have parents at all. They have almost always supported me in what I say or do, and have never been too much of a threat to anything they have opposed.

Lately though, there seems to be a huge ammount of change going on at home, and for some reason or another, I seem to be the victim of almost every area of negativity… Maybe I cause some of the problems, but, I honestly don’t think I deserve about 80% of the shit I’m getting lately…

Sometimes it feels as if I’m not actually allowed to be happy… I just have to exist quietly without causing any fuss, and it doesn’t matter whether I’m happy or unhappy. It’s almost like I have to pretend to be happy about everything, because if I’m not, then I’m being a difficult problem that no one else wants to deal with.

It really is just getting to a stage now where I can’t sit and deal with it anymore… I need to get out, get away and start my own life…

I don’t wanna turn my back on my parents, but it honestly feels like that is what they do to me, and I’m just so sick of it. They have almost no interest in my life what so ever, and when I try and be open with them about things, they tear me apart and turn every single tiny little problem in the house on me.

It’s like, the only way they’re going to realise that I’m not gonna change or be a different person is if I go away and leave them with their own space, to deal with their own problems…

I guess in a way, I’ve always been the disapointment child… I got pretty shit grades at school, dropped out of 6th form, didn’t finish college… My brother is the complete oposite of me, and my parents know it, and they really show it. if my brother causes a problem, it’s my fault; if I have a problem with my brother, it’s my fault…

You can only live for some long in an oppressive atmosphere.

I just don’t know how to explain this to them, because if I do, then I will just be causing a problem…

I don’t know

Wait?… What did you do? Did I not say anything before?…

Well, the day I started youtube last year, I said, I want to have made it to 20 Subscribers and 5000 views within a year. Well, with a couple of days, I have made this target. I’ve completed it!!! Amazing.

Now, I know this is a very VERY tiny target in comparison to so many youtubers, but, this is just a hobby for me… it’s just something I do… I enjoy it and really, that is what matters to me… the fact I met my little target has just made everything so worth it…

I’m amazed.

Thankyou!

Thankyou so much <3

I love my parents to pieces, and I’m not gonna lie, the idea of not living with them scares the shit out of me, but I’ve reached a point where home just isn’t a fit any more… this whole County isn’t a fit. I need to up and off and start again… I want to hire a van, pack my bedroom away and open up a new chapter in a new place…

I know where I want to go, and I know who I want to go with… What I don’t know is what I’m supposed to do with work, or where I’m going to scrape the funds from… Like… I have a few outstanding things left to clear before I can seriously consider moving… :/

I don’t know.

I feel really stressed about life at home now, because as much as I love my parents, I just want a little space in the world I can grow in to and call my own, and I want to share that space with a few amazing people

Can we make this happen now?

Can we?

Basically, I’m just gonna write about something that is in my heart… something I want so bad it’s unreal, and something that is so unbelievably far away from my reach, I’m not sure I’ll every get it… It actually breaks my heart a little bit thinking that I may never get it… I hate that thought so much, and I try not to think it…

Sometimes though, on nights like tonight, I just want it so bad. I want it so bad it actually hurts…

I really want to be a dad.

I’m only 20, and I know that that is so young, but, it’s something I want more than most other things in the world… I would give up pretty much anything just to be a dad. It’s kinda hard when so many people you know around you are having their first kid…

It honestly makes me so jealous…

I’m happy with my sexuality, I’m comfortable with it…

When it comes to kids though… wow… I just have a massive pain when I see happy parents. I think I could give so much to a child… I have so much love to share…

I have more to say, but I just can’t write it, to be honest. :/

Thankyou for reading this little bit… I’m sorry to seem to down. I love you all so much! Xx.

Honestly, I really REALLY can’t stand people who spread negativity around… if you have a problem either deal with it privately or don’t deal with it at all… Don’t bring the rest of the world down with you… you know… it’s just not necessary. I know it takes time to grow and understand this and when you’re a teenager it’s one thing, but grown adults, what the hell???

I think that by about the age of 19/20 you should really have learned to deal with things in private… it’s not nice and it’s not prefessional… It drives me crazy…

Another thing I detest is people who constantly complain about their lives… Why? If you’re not happy with it then bugger off and deal with it… for the most part, only you can make a change… If you chose to be in a situation and don’t like it, that’s your own problem… it’s a mess you made!

I hate people who have chosen to go to uni, and then constantly complain that they can’t deal with it, that there’s too much work, blah blah blah… and then the next thing I see is they’re out with friends, drinking or having fun… Not gonna lie, but if you have time to do that then you sure as fucking hell have time to actually do the work. Idiots.

You never had to go to uni, and if you did then I know you know how much time and hard work is involved Like I said, you make the decision, get over it.

I don’t like to publicaly assult people, because it is rude, unfair and it’s really going to get me in to anything other than a public slanging match, but, it gets to a point where I can’t just sit in silence and ignore it. I’m fed up of other peoples negativity bringing me down and I’m really freaking fed up of peoples personal troubles being plastered all over twitter and facebook…

It’s really not needed.

Sort yourselves out.

Dickheads.

I say MOOB, because that is BOOM backwards… and Imploding is like, the oposite of exploding, so in my head that all just makes sense. Clearly my head space is a mess right now. A MESS I TELL YOU!

I am the worlds worse blogger. I am shit at it. I have barely blogged at all lately… Hopefully I’m going to turn this around now. Fingers crossed.

Have any of you guys ever worked your arse off to the stage where you feel like the world is over?… I have pretty much felt exhausted for the last six or seven months now… I haven’t actually left the county I live in since last may… MAY GUYS! And since last May, I’ve taken five days holiday…

Ouch?

Right?

Meh. Anway. Did any of you guys read the poem I posted up last night? Was it any good? I’d love some feedback.. I’m really experimenting with poetry at the moment, for a few reasons… I just want to learn it, see what i can do with it… It’s very interesting.

Keep your eyes out for me

Night guys, hopefully some better posts are on there way!

That is not what I’m here to talk about today, to be honest… I have little to say on the subject and anything that I do have to say will have already been said a million times over the last night. It’d be unneeded.

Instead, I am going to talk about my general life at the moment, which I also understand is far less interesting, and so feel free to turn away and find something better to do with your time right now.

Almost a month ago, I split up with my partner. It was a hard decision, and at the time I did wonder whether I was doing the right thing. Untimately, I know that no matter what, of course it was the right thing. We had grown to a stage where we couldn’t progress as people or as a couple, and I think a lot of our time together had just become a routine.

Routine is good, in some ways, but sometimes it’s pretty clear that something just isn’t meant to be, and no matter how hard, how difficult it is, one of you has to be the man and put things to an end. You basically have too choices.

1. You can end on a good note, stay friends and remember the good times. You can carry on with your lifes and still know each other.

2. You can struggle on, becoming more and more unhappy, and making the situation more and more difficult to get out of. If this happens, you’re going to end on a low, or in an argument. You’re going to make life hell for each other and you’ll resent one another for that.

I had to make the decision and I had to make the change in the end. To be honest, thinking about it right now, I actually think my biggest fear was just hurting someone else… I don’t know how much I have or haven’t hurt him, even now, but the thing is that we can still talk to each other, still see each other…

‘Just friends’ is possible if you care about someone enough to make that effort and are brave enough to make that change…

I’m a strong believer in ‘the one’ and I think that, when you meet them, you know it… How can you not, at the end of the day?… If someone is meant for you and you think that, then you gotta put in your everything. You gotta put the effort in!

Thanks for the read guys Hopefully my hands are feeling a little better and I’ll get back to my routine now

I have something wrong with my hands. Literally typing this is absolute pain for me. You have no idea. I have no idea. It just hurts too bad.

I already had a problem with my hand, and I’m not sure whether this is related but I’m having it looked at in the next couple of days.

Fingers crossed it’s something silly!

I hate a lot of things… Sometimes, I think that it seems like I only hate, because i talk about the things I hate more than the things that I don’t hate. Shockingly, I actually like a lot of things, I just never really feel the need to talk about them.

Anyway, over the last week I’ve been thinking about the things I hate and just decided to really sit and write them out for me to see… No other reason really, I just need to kinda, present them to myself and maybe justify some of them…

1. Liers.
If people don’t want to tell you the truth, then really, they shouldn’t be speaking to you. There is a difference between having something you don’t want to share, and chosing to actually lie about something. It’s wrong. It hurts people. Just don’t do it

2. Indecisive People
I am a decision maker. I know I am. I always have been and I always will. I literally cannot tolerate people who don’t know what they’re doing in life and can’t make a decision… If someone else has to make a decision for you, then really, the answer was no in the first place. Grow up and grow some balls

3. I’m not sure what to call this one, so I’m gonna leave it nameless.
People who break down other peoples relationships. I’ve sat and watched this happen a million times, and I will probably see it a million times more. It absolutely disgusts me. Sometimes, very rarely, people do this unknowingly (normally relating back to LIERS) but mostly, people are 100% aware they are doing this.

4. Desperation
It’s just gross and needy.

5. Public Displays Of Affection.
I hate this more than most other things. Please, keep it behind locked doors. You are vile. Literally just. No. I can’t even stand people walking too close together half the time. If I see this, then expect a major bitch fit, and expect me to delete you off facebook/twitter/ALL SOCIAL NETWORKS.

6. Trust.
As fantastically great has being able to trust someone is, I don’t really believe in it. Humans are designed to stand alone and strong… They are also born misleading liers… I’m not saying everyone in the world is a lier and a cheat, but I don’t think you can ever truely trust in anyone other than yourself… To do so is just asking to be hurt. Prove me wrong?

7. Humiliation
I do this for myself, so no one else has too it’s the best way, to be honest. At least you can say you meant to do it then

That is all, folks. There are many things I hate, but I can basically pretty much narrow them down to this

Just looked up and saw my mirror, which is heavy and normally leans against the wall like ; / got from / to | and it must have stayed like that for 60-90seconds before very slowly going back to / and vibrating slightly for another 30 seconds.

I am so scared.

Unbelievable.

What the actual?…

Anyway, I lost my amazing post and now, I don’t really have anything to say… I could write something absolutely crap and title the post after JUSTIN BIEBER, and that would drag in a few million new readers… Because I’ve never tried that one before… ever…

LIES AND SLANDER! Of course I would do that. I would do it a million and one tims if it bought the readers in. Alas, I have nothing useful to say right now. Nothing at all.

My hands are killing me so badly, typing is just too difficult… :/

So, instead, I’m just writing this little note to say hello, and I am alive…

And kicking…

Kinda.

Until today, I’d never considered even trying to justify rape. I never though that rape even needed someone to try and justify it? I didn’t think that it was actually possibly. Now though, apparently it is. And honestly, I think it is possibly one of the most disturbing, vile things that I have ever read. Ever.

Rape is not a choice the victim ever gets to make. If someone says no, then they’ve said no. No, in my opinion, is pretty final. If I say no, then that’s it. I’ve said no and my decision is made, come back another day and see if my mind has changed.

If someone isn’t in a position/state to be able to make a rational decision, then just don’t put them in a position where they need to say yes/no. They’re not able to make a decision; don’t make it for them. Just don’t. You are not them. You can’t make a decision like sex for someone else. You just can’t.

I was going to write a really angry post today but I just don’t need to. My anger hasnt gone anywhere, but I think that by writing an angry post I will actually say a whole number of uneducated guesses and assumptions. I am not a rapist, so I can’t speak for their minds.

Just have some respect for others, for gods sake.

Just.

Respect.