Alright. I can’t do that for very long without puking. I’ll try to refrain for the rest of this post.

It was a late night at the house. But, I was able to get some sleep. And I needed it. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning at 6am to be able to get to the VA at the ungodly hour of 8am. I set the alarm on my phone and hooked it up to a pair of travel speakers I keep on my bed side table. A friend even offered to send me a wake up call when she woke up. but, i was alteady oit of bed when she sent her text message. I was out the door early.

So early, I ran two of the four blocks I had to walk in an effort to catch an earlier bus. But, that kind of rushing was apparently unecessary. It turned out, the bus was running late. I guess there’s this thing called “rush hour” in the morning. The first bus was so late, my connector ended up in front of us as we inched down Colorado Blvd. I made a mention of it to my driver. And he was nice enough to drop me off mid stop. I ran ahead along City Park in hopes of beating the 32 bus to the next stop. But, as I passed it, I looked left and saw that I had the attention of the driver. He waved me over and stopped long enough for me to hop on.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen the main atrium of the VA so deserted. Oh, well I guess I have. My PTSD counseling was held in the late afternoon. But, it was still shocking to see this main passageway so empty.

With the difficult part taken care of, I checked in and took a seat. It wasn’t long before a nurse called me to the little vestibule where vitals are taken. I thought I had gained a pound since my last appointment until I remembered that I took my shoes off the last time. I was wearing my pedal clip sandals. So, they tend to add a little bit of extra poundage. And for some reason, she decided to take my blood pressure through the two sweatshirts I was wearing. I was presenting female for the doctor’s benefit. So, I wasn’t thrilled to have to take off my sweat shirts. But, I would have, if I had too. They always ask about pain level at this station. Rather than explain, I thought it best just to respond with a zero.

Going in, I wasn’t sure who I would be seeing. The resident who called me last week, seemed to indicate it would be a guy. I guess I was just assuming it was a guy who specializes in these kinds of legal documents. We are talking about the federal government after all. But, it turns out, it was the pregnant doctor I saw last week, who came out announcing that she wanted to see “Rebecca”. Heh. As soon as we were making our way around the labyrinth of hallways that is Specialty 2, she asked where my entourage was. I told her they weren’t morning people. But, truthfully, after I got the approval, we all knew they weren’t necessary.

Once inside her office, she pulled out some paperwork and made a comment that my blood pressure was high. I responded the same way I do every time. Whether I’m on the bike or running for a bus, my initial blood pressure reading is always high. So, she ended up taking it again at the end of the appointment. It was 130/81.

The paperwork I needed to sign looked like it was drawn up by the kind of doctor who grew up wishing he was a lawyer. It had just enough legalese in it too look like it had been toned down in favor of medical terminology. She and I went over each of the 20 statements before she handed it over for my initials, today’s date and on the last page, my printed name and my signature. I had to sign it Robert. Which was fine. I haven’t really practiced signing Rebecca. And it still is my legal name. Small steps. The questions weren’t anything I hadn’t seen before. I had done plenty of research before I took my first hormone pill. There were statements like “I acknowledge that estrogen will inhibit my sex drive.” And “I acknowledge estrogen will cause permanent changes to my body.” The most interesting was “I acknowledge that estrogen will not decrease my risk of HIV.” Covering their ass……so to speak?

The real fun of the morning didn’t start until she started looking for the estrogen in the computer. She couldn’t find it. So, she called the pharmacy. She was immediately put on hold. She put the phone back in the cradle and turned on the speaker.

“You’re current wait time is 3 minutes. You have 15 people in front of you. If you would like to continue holding, press 2 now.”

She did some typing while waiting. But, then a few minutes later, the recorded voice returned.

“You’re current wait time is 4 minutes. You have 12 people in front of you. If you would like to continue holding, press 2 now.”

She looked at me and rolled her eyes. At this point, she said something that didn’t quite sound like English. She’s of Slavic decent with a clear accent. While leaving the phone on hold, she got up and told me she would be back in a few minutes. I wasn’t sure where she was going. But, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was straight to the pharmacy down the hall.

While she was gone, the recorded voice came back. And it was my turn to press 2 just in case she was unsuccessful.

“Your current wait time is 5 minutes. You have 9 people in front of you. If you would like to continue holding, press 2 now.”

When she returned, I gave her the sad progress report. She shook her head and said “Only at the VA.” She then hung up. She called a fellow doctor somewhere in the hospital. This person was able to show her where else in the computer, the estrogen was hiding. And we were able to order it.

What she ordered is not exactly the medicine I would prefer. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy to have estrogen. I just wish it wasn’t derived from pregnant mare urine. Premarin is one of the earliest compounded estrogens available. So, it’s time tested. But, it’s just….well, yuck. I was told Premarin is the only estrogen the VA carries. I don’t know if that is true. I’ll have to ask my doctor when I see him next.

I kind of suspected the pharmacy would take awhile. Seated directly in front of me was a veteran of waiting. An older woman had brought her knitting with her. The total amount of time I waited once I had gotten to the pharmacy was only about 20 minutes. After checking in (which means you talk to the pharmacist and confirm you want to pick it up now), I went to the Yelp reviewed one star cafeteria. There I downed two scoops of cold scrambled eggs and tossed an extra apple juice in my jacket before heading back up to wait for the inevitable.

Upon returning, I only had to wait a couple of minutes before my name appeared on the monitor signalling that my meds were ready. It was like they were waiting for me to return. I stood up and moved a foot into the center of the room where I then became veteran number 3 in line. My friends had asked if I would down them right there and then after picking them up. I thought about it. I had the apple juice with me for that reason. But, I decided I wanted to make it more memorable. I wanted to pick a place I could point out later and say that’s where I took it. And given the fact that the VA Hospital is scheduled for demolition in the next few years, meant I would have to leave the property. It also meant I would have to walk a bit of a distance more than I would have too normally since the adjacently sitting old CU hospital is also scheduled for demolition around the same time. I ended up picking a quiet park bench nearby for the deed. I was listening to Pandora and I spent some time thinking about how hard I had fought for this moment. It was a long struggle. And I wasn’t the only one who fought for it. I had a lot of help. Both my best friends, Jules and Sarah were great in keeping my hopes up and excellent advocates for me. And the woman who started this little trip, Courtney, was amazing in providing helpful guidance in navigating the bureaucracy of the VA and talking to higher ups on my behalf. And every member of the support group she started was great in helping me keep my chin up when the stress was too much.

When I had successfully swallowed them, I got up and felt like walking. I ended up walking all the way home. And on the way, I made a few phone calls. But, otherwise I just wanted to walk. It was nice. It was only 11am by the time I returned to the house. But, the day was already a success.

This past summer, during the end of June to mid-July, I alhumdullilah had the opportunity to visit Saudi Arabia with my family.  Specifically, we stayed in Makkah, Medina, and Jeddah, and wow, definitely the most amazing trip of my life.

I would hear Muslims saying all the time that if you want to take a big trip somewhere, you should always go to Makkah first as soon as you can manage it.  And my internal reaction to these comments would be along the lines of “Yeah, yeah, sure, as a Muslim of course you should” and I knew if an opportunity came up where it was cheaper to travel to somewhere else I wanted to go, I would rather to go that place instead of saving up for Saudi Arabia. Now that I’ve actually gone to Makkah though, I realize why so many people would tell me to make my first big trip there. I think the reason it never clicked for me was that they didn’t really say it with any sense of urgency, just some wisdom that seemed beyond my years. Well. To all my fellow Muslims who haven’t been to Saudi Arabia yet, I reiterate the same words I’ve been told many times before, except this time, I’m going to make it sound really important. Because it is really important. MAKE YOUR FIRST BIG TRIP TO MAKKAH!!!! SAVE ALL YOUR MONEY TOWARDS IT, BECAUSE IT IS YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY WHEN IT COMES TO TRAVELING (given of course that you can afford such a trip and have the means to go on one).

It would take me forever to describe how amazing the trip was because I don’t think I could ever do the feeling justice. I am not skilled enough with words and the English language to even come close to fully explaining how fulfilling and wonderful the trip felt.  The feeling that you get, that you’re surrounded by such rich history and that you’re in such a blessed place, it fills you up with such amazement and it made me even prouder about being Muslim.

As much as I want to explain this feeling as accurately as I can, writing every moment where I felt this way would be a HUGE task, but I think there’s one story that captures my feelings as well as one instance can.

It was our first night in Makkah, and it had been an extremely long day. After our 14-hour flight, my family and I were being driven into the city from the airport, but it had taken us much longer than it would normally because it was Thursday night and because many of the streets had been blocked off.  In fact, in the end, we had to carry our luggage and walk quite a bit down the street to our hotel.  But that didn’t really bother me, because we had actually reached Makkah and we were so close to the Kaaba and oh my God I was finally going to be able to see it for the first time in person. When we finally reached our hotel room, some of my dad’s family met us there and my aunt kept telling my mom and siblings to rest since we should have been clearly exhausted.  I wasn’t near tired though, how could I when the thought of seeing the Kaaba for the first time kept me energized? I remember my mom asking me “We’re going to the Haram and doing our Umrah tonight, right?” and I gave her an enthusiastically affirmative reply. I was most definitely planning on going to see the Kaaba my first night in Makkah and would let little stop me.  We finally went down to the Haram after Isha and when we got inside the masjid, I had grabbed my mom’s hand out of anticipation (and partially because it is easy to lose yourself in the crowd).  We were walking to the center where the Kaaba is, but it wasn’t long before we were close enough to be able to see it, since it’s tall enough to see it from a distance away.

I have to be honest, yes, seeing the Kaaba filled me with pure awe and absolute gratitude with such an opportunity, but the moment when I was able to see other Muslims doing Tawaf a few seconds later was even more powerful and emotional. I had burst into tears at the sight; I just really loved the overwhelming sense of community and unity, so many Muslims in one place and they were all there to praise Allah. And I was here for the same purpose.

I miss it so desperately much. Just looking at pictures that I took there brings me to tears. I miss the beautiful architecture  I miss doing Tawaf, I miss being in a city with only Muslims, I miss helping my mom complete her Umrah, I miss the sense of wonderment, I just miss it all so much and I cannot wait to go back inshaAllah.

I completed my painting today for my art appreciation module. Here’s the end result after 3 sessions.

How do you like it?
We suppose to learn about Vincent Van Gogh’s painting techniques. Well… Really alot to learn and the more I can appreciate art pieces now cus it really takes alot of time and effort to complete a painting.

Some painting pointers I discovered:
Always paint only when you have the mood to do so and when you paint, make sure no one disturb you. You need to maintain a constant mood so that the right emotion can be delivered through the strokes in your paintings. Try to plan to paint in the day and reserve a full day to complete your painting. What I feel is that you can’t get the same feeling when you look at your painting another day and you may not be able to blend the same exact color again.

Hope the above tips are helpful!
In love with art classes~

^___^

When will the yen drops? Oops… I want to shop in Japan!!! Like buy all the emoda back. Lol.

#mad fan.

Did I say I met enari when she’s here in Singapore? yes we took a photo together. It’s an achievement of my life! P.s. it all happened too fast that I did not wear anything emoda on me. In fact, I have bought quite a few things at home. She’s still nice, did not turn me down. T____T #idol

I can’t wait for a break! Where should I go?

One of the accomplishments of my life was my 5^th grade graduation. It was one of the happiest and saddest days of my life. It was the happiest day because the school was celebrated “the student of the year”, and I was that student who received the highest mark on the final.  I was not good at math and social studies at the very beginning of that school year. The materials of that class seemed harder to me. Moreover, my grandfather passed away during that time, so my family members were not capable to give some time to teach me. My mother was also busy to take care of the rest of my family. Therefore, I couldn’t pass on my first exam. Then my father told me that I was going to have tutor especially for Math and English. I felt depressed about my improvement because I couldn’t understand what to do in the middle of the school year having zero on my report card. The tutor was my father’s cousin, and he taught me as if I was his daughter. He motivated me to learn time tables, complex addition, division, subtraction, multiplication, word problem, and a little bit algebra by using card games and formulas. Most of all, he encouraged me to learn important skills and inspired me to be a good student. I also received stipend for doing excellent work for about 6 months from the govt. I admire him a lot as a role model because I might not be able to succeed without his support. In other words, he brought my aptitude out and made me realize that I had self-confidence to do great. I called also saddest day because I didn’t want to loose some of my best friends. We were going to move to another school, and most of them would go to different girls- high-school. I still miss them.

Accomplishment of my life was starting my college life in USA. About 12 years ago, I entered college in my country, Bangladesh. I got ‘A+’ on my S.S.C. examination. I was good at math, so I planned to study engineering; therefore, my major was science at that time. Everything was going perfectly. Suddenly my father told my mother that he arranged my marriage with someone who made a good salary. I was shocked because I didn’t even plan getting married at the age of 15. My father was the only benefactor of our family. In Bangladesh, most of the time, there is no way to avoid our parents’ commands. I wanted to study more. However, my father told me that my fiancé also wanted me to study more. My father was a govt. employee, so he had limited earnings. He made my mother understand that I needed a lot of money to study engineering and after marriage I could move ahead with my studies. It didn’t turn out as I had expected after my marriage. I was not able to study more because of my mother-in-law. She didn’t want me to move ahead, but my husband supported me all the time. I barely finished the college level and I had to give up having peace in the family. When I came to the USA with my husband, I realized that I could have an opportunity to do something. Therefore I planned to start my studies in college again, and I have been able to move ahead.

I’ve learned about my strongest skills that show my interest of work activities that I’m attracted to what I am doing. Furthermore, these activities reflect my values, personality, interests, and skills. Therefore, the life accomplishment events are important in producing a successful outcome in life.