JOYCE MEYER

GOD is looking for a new level of commitment!

Why don’t people like to be committed,we have a real problem today with lack of commitment!

First of all we live in this easy ,instant society,we want everything to be easy

We are addicted to ease! addicted to comfort!

God didn’t build us for that ,we are built for adversity whether we like it or not!

That is when the best comes out of us!

The reason why we don’t like commitment is because it invades our lives ,privacy and freedom.

After all If I am committed and time comes to do that thing I am committed to and ….I don’t feel like it??

If we are not committed it takes nothing from the Devil to talks us out of doing what we should be doing.

We gotta made our mind up!

“And the day came when the risk (it took) to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin 

My work as a coach encompasses helping people to take calculated risks that will move them outside of their comfort zones, in an effort to discover what may be possible that they could not see before, usually because they were too close to the subject at hand.

How many of us have stayed in an unsatisfactory job or relationship that was not fulfilling because it was too risky to make a necessary change? One very important fact that we forget to realize is, that change does not have to be all encompassing.

Change can be in steps, we do not have to quit our job and struggle to find the next path. We do not have to throw away our relationship and look for a new partner. Taking the steps can feel risky but can open doors to satisfaction and success.

When an unsatisfactory job is at stake, we can begin to evaluate what it is that is causing the dissatisfaction. We can fashion a discovery process in which we create various tasks to gain clear insight into what is working and what is not. We may discover that the company is one in which we place value, but the position is too limiting. Change, in this case, may be a matter of discovering what avenues there are to a more responsible position. The answer may not be simple, perhaps more education or training but at least we can then plan to make it happen and create a time line. Suddenly our old job is a stepping-stone to the next level, not an unsatisfying ordeal. The first risk is to be willing to look at the whole picture of our dilemma, and figure out what smaller steps (risks) we can take to begin to move the situation into a better light.

What about an unsatisfactory relationship? In this case it may be mustering up the courage to communicate with our partner from a more loving place. We may have to put away our need to be right and be open to being a better listener. We may have to make a pact with our partner to have conversations, where we each get time to say our part (lovingly and without blame) and then hear the others as well. We may both have to give up being defensive, feeling victimized, and begin to create a safe place for each to speak their mind, in a loving manner. The risk is always rejection and hurt, but without the risk there is anger, discomfort and unhappiness too.

My Challenge to you:

Do we want to stay in bud where it is dark and restrictive or bloom?

To bloom it takes courage, honesty and the willingness to sometimes fail. The pain of staying where we are has to be greater than the pain of taking a risk.

Take a look at where you are in your job and relationships or at the direction your business is going. What small risks can you take today to begin to move in a direction of blossoming?

If you find this information to be helpful then please share it with others!

For assistance on initiating valuable and lasting change contact us to schedule a free coaching consultation.

To your ongoing success!

Coach Regina

Regina Erhart-Fasold

Certified Executive Career & Business Coach

www.ReginaFasold.com

+1 321.246.7066

“God delays, but doesn’t forget.”  — Spanish Proverb

I recently spent nearly six weeks in the hospital.  From that experience I know it’s frustrating to get sick.  In today’s economic downturn, it’s frustrating for anyone who has lost a job or encountered financial setbacks.  We suddenly feel curtailed, with the rhythm of our lives changed in a way we never anticipated.  But the Universe slows us down for a reason.

There can be gifts in adversity.  They can provide us some much needed time alone, time to think.  Being alone gives us the chance to find ourselves in a new way.  We may be surprised  to find some previously unknown inner resources.  A period of waiting through adversity can also turn us to our Higher Power, God, or the Universe when the solace we need is beyond the capacity of people to give.

It’s challenging to be able to do nothing when the world tells us that we must take action.  When action isn’t possible, accepting the circumstances of our lives enables us to experience  the value of being, rather than doing.

My life seems so incredibly fucked up right now.  Even I have grown tired of the constant, seemingly endless drama that I consistently seem to manifest about me.

I have shared openly and with honest and authentic admission that I have not always lived life as a man of integrity.  Lies, deceptions, illusions, delusions once filled my life.  No one really knew who I was.  The pain that I carry, the result of the shame, guilt and true remorse are difficult to bear.  I make my own best attempts to forgive myself and live by the commitments I have made to a life of rigorous honesty.  I revel in my new, authentic life and the easy cadence it brings.

However there are some who I have hurt in the past that refuse to see me as the man I am today rather than the fool I was before.  Rather than try to see my progress, I am forced to swallow the bile of their resentments and my born again guilt.  I reach out to them at times like this for their love and support.  How many times can I hit “rock bottom” and how much worse can it get?  The problems I face in my life right now will lead to homelessness.  There is family and there are former partner’s capable of helping me, but when I asked for their help the result was immediate and flat-out refusal followed by a barrage of their ugly reminders of the person I was.  Their resentments lead to an all out effort to exacerbate my already hopeless situation.

When does it ever stop?  What do these “detractors” get from holding their resentments so dear?  When can I be seen as the man I am today, rather than the monster of my past?  How can family turn-off their love and sit idly by while I grow more and more lost, alone and afraid?  I have begged for their help.  Their refusal is like a nightmare; if they needed my help I wouldn’t think twice.  I would do what I could.  I still love them, even now, as they turn away.

I have worked so hard and tried to follow a path toward personal growth.  I’ve learned so much along the way, but right now I feel so lost in my fears and find myself dwelling in these feelings of abandonment and betrayal.  These behaviors I know are preventing me from initiating my own solution to my challenges.  I want to learn whatever it is I am supposed to from this lesson and move on.  I want a life filled with the love and joy of family and friends.

Please God, send me an angel…

Det finns dom som tycker att det är slöseri med tid att sova när man bara lever en gång. Jag tycker tvärtom. Nattens drömmar är ett fantastiskt bonusliv. Jag har drömt dom häftigaste filmer jag sett. Härom natten drömde jag något jag gärna vill dela med mig av.

De ringde mig och sa att du kan komma på en jobbintervju klockan nio ikväll. Javisst, sa jag. Jag kommer. Men jag hinner inte hem för att hämta CV eller andra papper, så jag hoppas det går bra att jag tar med dom vid ett senare tillfälle om det skulle bli aktuellt?

Det gick bra. Jag fick veta att jag måste åka hela vägen till Mariestad för intervjun. Men det blir ett tillfälle att visa att jag kan lösa problem tänkte jag. Man får inte vara en nejsägare. Jag kammade till håret, köpte biljett och åkte.

Väl framme kollade jag in lokalerna i detalj, som jag har för vana. Det var en modern och påkostad kontorsmiljö. Här och där på borden stod frestande kakor och tårtor. Jag undrade mer och mer vad det egentligen kunde vara för arbete man ville ha mig att utföra?

Sen drog en av kvinnorna mig i armen och pekade på en katt med uppskuren buk. Kattstackarn, som var en rödhårig lång sak, levde. Du måste sy ihop kattens mage, sa kvinnan, vi hinner inte fixa bedövning. Hon gav mig en nål som var nästan lika tjock som en penna, och en fiskelina. Jag tyckte förfärligt synd om katten och kände mig pressad att göra som jag blivit tillsagd. Alternativet att avliva djuret kom jag inte på.

Okej, sa jag, jag gör det om det leder till att katten överlever. Men ni måste hämta en sån där tratt att sätta runt halsen på den, för jag vill inte bli biten. Dom hade ingen tratt, jag blev erbjuden lite mjukt papper. Jag bet ihop och tänkte att jag ska minsann visa att jag kan vara flexibel och lösa problem. Jag letade upp en bit plast av typen man täcker båtar med.

Sen sydde jag ihop kattens mage. Den var otroligt tålmodig fast jag inte hade bedövning till den. Det kändes som den förstod att jag försökte hjälpa den.

Bra jobbat! sa kvinnan. Du har klarat provet. Hon berättade att jag befann mig mitt i en audition för tv-programmet Life Challenge. Och, sa hon glatt, om du visar oss att du kan lösa problem och ställa upp när du blir ombedd. Då får du möjlighet att sälja ditt liv till oss under ett helt års tid!

ps. Apropå något helt annat. Jag skrev om övervakningen av våra liv på Dagens Konflikt häromdagen. Satt sen och spånade med en god vän på olika sinistra sätt modern övervakningsteknik skulle kunna vidareutvecklas i kommersiella syften.

Till exempel skulle man kunna ställa till mycket oreda genom att lansera en Foefinder. Skriv bara in namn och personuppgifter på just Dina fiender och låt foefindern spåra dem via gps. Maffian, stalkers, kriminella, mobbare, snutar, politiska och religiösa grupper. Marknaden är stor!

Sen kunde man lansera en version för medlemmar i fotbollsfirmor, Fightfinder, som börjar aktiveras när pubarna öppnas. Den skulle givetvis även visa huliganpolisens rörelser.

En snällare tillämpning vore Fuckfindern, där varje användare loggar in sig som tillgänglig när hon eller han är kåt.

So, I’m done with the actual making of my first video. It’s pretty long but it offers two different looks showing off two different sides of me. I’m trying to work out some of the technical difficulties by myself which is somewhat frustrating because I don’t know much about file size, I just know I want an pretty good quality video for viewing but, while I’m waiting for the video to load which seems to be taking hours. I just wanted to share some of my experiences with you guys, especially after reading a bulk of your emails and comments. I know most of you are my friends, but I’ve gotten a few emails and a couple of comments from people that I don’t know well, or at all. So I recognize that there is a portion of visitors who don’t know me but may view my photos and comments and pass me off as just another pretty face. However, I would like to inform people that this pretty face still has one scar remaining on her forehead from 16 stitches from an accident, which doesn’t hold a candle to the broken nose and other scars that fortunately has gone away. I didn’t get a nose job, it was just reset, it was definantly a personal decision. I used to be the one always in the hoodie, I was also the one who wore the t-shirt at the pool, and yes I have a pretty fierce “kitchen”. Now that I’ve said that, I want to share a brief experience of myself that really changed my life and actually freed me of the shackles of caring about what other people deem is beautiful.
My weight loss was a struggle that was hard, and I was lucky to have changed my eating and exercising habits during my early teen years. I was a skinny kid, but somewhere between my parents divorce, preadolescence, Dairy Queen, and Churches’, I packed on a good portion of unhealthy weight. That came off, and I thought I was safe. Though no one ever called me fat to my face (I was the nice one), I was always told “Oh, you have such a pretty face”, which really can be a hurtful comment. However, I lost the weight and come junior year of high school, I was sitting in my trig class, faced with the substitute who really tore my self-esteem apart. It was only the second week of the semester. I had came back after losing my last 15 lbs from visiting my mom, and my friends gave me more form fitting clothes because they knew I was dying in my hoodie and jeans. I sat in my trig class with one of my best friends Robin, a black girl originally from New York and you don’t want to mess with her. I got up, to hand in an in class assignment for both Robin and I, and Robin just happened to loudly say “Oh my gawd gurl! You gotta perky booty, and a small waist, guuuurrrrlll you should be a model!!”, in her New York accent. I of course was embarressed and smiled as the class noticed that I did lose weight. As I turned in the paper on the substitute’s desk. She looked at me and played with her eyeglasses a bit. She said “I agree”, and I smiled up until she added “But first you should get your nose and eyes fixed, your nose is too wide, your eyes are too far apart, kind of slanted.” At first, I just kind of jumped back, and then I actually smiled and in a way graciously accepted her comment and said “Thank you!” with a closed-lip smile, inside I was just really hurt and almost in disbelief, did I lose the weight and all of a sudden get a face that should wear a paper bag? I quickly snapped to my senses when I noticed Robin running to the front, screaming “Ooohhh Hellll Noooo!” while my other friend Heather tried to grab her. With my already battered self-esteem I was quick to say “I’m fine, I thought I needed to ask my mom for a nose job anyway.” I went through the day, not eating, not really breathing right, just sort of lost. The next couple of weeks were a daze, it didn’t matter if someone said something nice to me or try to cheer me up, I didn’t tell anyone what happened, but of course it got around. Somehow, between then and a couple of months later, something just clicked, I talked to my grandma on the phone and flew out to Georgia for a weekend, just to like do some soul-searching and be around people who thought I was beautiful. I still don’t know how I got passed that incident realizing that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, but because of that incident, I found something more beautiful than the superficial. I found myself, I found someone who was relatable, someone stronger, someone who could get through challenges without compromising themselves. Whether or not you can find me someone you can relate to, I just want you to know that I’m deeper than some of the images I project, I represent individuals who have had to face being put down by people, even friends, family, boyfriends, husbands, spouses. There are millions of women in this country and abroad who not only have to face images projected by the beauty & fashion industry, but also other venues in media, magazines, television, only to come home to be called “fat”, “dumb”, “lazy”, “ugly”, and of course “a bitch”. While some of us do not face that challenge, or no longer have to, I encourage you to lend support to help others help themselves. They say “Beauty is only skin deep”, but I think beauty can go as deep as you allow it. Love yourself and love others.

Peace & Positivity,

Charlie Lee Howard

I believe that suffering from life circumstance is often related to an overwhelming attachment of what you feel should be happening. We really do have control of more than we give ourselves credit of, and sometimes we set unreasonable attachments to what we expect of ourselves.

Imagine the liberation of a life free of judgment, criticality, and shame.
Imagine the possibilities in a life full of opportunities, wonderful experiences, and possible dreams. It’s really no fun to keep score of bad experiences, situations, unfairness, and “just” reasons for disappointments.

We can change that all, with a decisive moment of stepping into control of our experience.

The key to creative resolution is remembering that our thinking creates the seed of intentions, the intentions create the roots that give way to our flowering thoughts- whether they are prickly thistles or precious orchids.

Substitute lack for abundance, bad focus for good. Guilt for action. Focus on what you lack will continue a consciousness of lack.

Clarity and expression, gratitude and appreciation.. Deciding to shift feelings of fear, unworthiness, and lack to an active appreciation of who we are and what resources we possess is empowering to help us take stock of what is working well and write it down. What you focus on is multiplied.

We have alot more choice into our bad days and good, our bad experiences and beautiful, when we can realize the amazing powers we have to dream, to resolve, and to choose. Pain comes when we are living outside of our “vision” or expectation… OR as a transition to that better place. Pain gives us an opportunity to get back in touch with what success, serenity, and creative, empowered choice is all about.

TURN THIS EXPERIENCE AROUND ALREADY!!

Affirm an appreciation for what is working with deliberate receptiveness to alternatives, solutions, and new ways of thinking that produce a desirable outcome.

This week, I have been practicing this thoughts creates reality for some time with some very tangible results. Most tangible in my mind was that I was making unreasonable and unfair expectation of myself. I fell ill on Saturday, and have had an acute condition of sinusitis with raging fever and migraines since. Now that has been part of my story, so when I start keeping score, it is almost like asking the universe to give me more of this pain until I learn the lesson… I decided it was time to try something different.

My usual experience is I have got responsibilities, I don’t have time to be sick. I would keep working, cancel nothing, and show my way through this by sheer stubbornness. I used to prize my stubborn-ness as a quality necessary for survival.. and that was actually part of the lesson I was to take to heart, and head, and health.

Stubborn is an act of holding on to something well after it no longer serves you. Persistence is an act of continuing a regular activity until it is recognized. The difference may seem subtle, but the awareness is a big part of it.

Pulmonary disfunction is the physical manifestation of an attachment to something.

I am attached to my responsibility. I am a mom of 2 beautiful kids. I work full time at a job I love. I am launching the business of my dreams. I have cared for my job meticulously. I have cared for my clients, my kids, my business, my husband, but whew I had forgotten me entirely. Since Saturday the fever and pain has rendered me able to only work and live in shifts, with much rest and liquids required. I am not working out, I am not working my program I am failing myself and my family. I don’t want to fail!

Okay that is a picture into my own neurosis, shared because i am amusingly telling you a story of how I choose to make better choices. It is time to stand on my own two feet and take care of myself as part of that whole life balance thing. My new choices.. I will let this run it’s course, and for the time being, set lower expectations of the workload, and instead explore realistic expectations of aligned purposeful activity. I will return to the gym when the fever subsides, and I can get my pulmonary function out of the “orange” and into the “green”. This is taking care of myself and setting a vision for improvement. Stubborn would be continuing all activity until I needed steroids or rescue breathing.

Bodies need rest. I am not the exception to this rule, although I like to think I am unique.

As I end today it is with an appreciation and loving connection. So many great things are happening, despite my being sick, and with that state of mind, it is a matter of my body catching up with the new orders before the fever has done it’s job and fights off the illness, and my lungs fill again to capacity, giving me the endurance to do and see and be even more.

I think another part of that lesson is that meditation throughout my week, would be immensely useful in being able to see, and breathe in wellness, rather than breathing very shallow, because who has time for the full thing.. There is an abundance– plenty of time, money, resources, opportunities to succeed, opportunities to learn from mistakes… All is well and I will let it be.

Part of my new strategy involves absolute focus on the key areas I will continue to sustain, while trading in my type A, unreasonable self for a more patient, and creative person. If I always find solutions to what I say I am going to do, then I need to trust that the universe will provide solutions to those things I can not of my own do. There is plenty of time in the day to live, love, and serve.. Let me focus on pledging my head to clearer thinking, my heart to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service, and my health to better living for my well being, my family, my community and my world. (4H is a very balanced pledge, I still think the 4 leafed clover of lessons is where it is at!)

But enough about me! What are you doing to create beauty and purpose in your masterpiece of life? Love to hear about how and what you are doing to recognize your amazing on purpose life.

Dawn
http://linkedin.com/in/dmular

Leading up to New Years, I will offer some professional “resolution” assistance.

1. Develop Professional and Marketable Skills:

• Develop Skills and Stay in Touch with Industry:
• Don’t be a buzzwords bad blender.
• Browse through and subscribe to interesting Magazines of TradePub.com.
• Check out the Free Stuff in Ganas Consulting (Get a Life) website– great stuff.
• Interviewing Tips from largest collection of free Interview Questions.
• Job Search with Helping Friends!
• Read eNews for Job Seeker Tips, Hints, and Job Leads.
• Register as a New Candidate, then Search Open Jobs
• Job Leads (Yahoo Group)– Job Leads and Career support for ACTIVE job seekers.
• Join Trade and Industry Associations of Interest:
• American Management Association
• HDI: Leading IT Service and Support.
• Join Relevant Helping Friends Career Networking Groups:
• Career Transformation Talk (Yahoo Group)- Virtual Mentoring Tips for PRESENTLY employed.
• Job Leads (Yahoo Group)– Job Leads and Career support for ACTIVE job seekers.
• Linked In Helping Friends (Linked In Group)– Network with other Members and expand your business and career professional network.
• Winning Career and Business Strategies (Ryze Group)– Networking for Career and Business Professionals

2. Brush Up on my Career and Business Image:

• Getting Started with LinkedIn (Creating a powerful profile that attracts business)
• Harvard Business School advise on image
• Key Words Clarify, Create Value and Convey Image.
• Brush up that Elevator Speech, Resume, Social Networking Profile, etc.. Fresh new image, for the bold and purposeful person you choose to be!

3. More Efficient Time Management:

• Organi-zine– Organize it Today Subscription for free organization tips! Great stuff.
• TimeToMeet.com free utility to plan meetings with friends or associates, “visually” paints for comparison of available meeting times!

What else have you found helpful for attaining your professional goals for 2007?

Dawn Mular: http://linkedin.com/in/dmular
Join LinkedIn HFCN: http://shurl.org/LI_HFCN_invitation
Helping Friends Intro: http://1url.org/go/1HFCN_opps

You are led through your lifetime by the inner learning creature, the playful spiritual being that is your real self.

Don’t turn away from possible futures before you’re certain
you don’t have anything to learn from them.

You’re always free to change your mind
and choose a different future, or a different past.
-
from Richard Bach’s Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah

Human nature causes us to question, “Why is this happening to me”, but
too often we fail to explore the why, we accept fotune before “intent”.

Becoming fully aware and accountable is recognized when exploring our role our purposeful life management, and our power of creativity. We do have a mighty capability to create powerful reality- whether that power is supportive of distracting is also a choice, although we frequently convince ourselves otherwise, it is exploring the stories we BELIEVE that we tell ourselves that creates a lesson for positive transformation.

The link to Andrew
Schneider’s article spoke volumes about the laws of positive
attraction, and the contracts of self talk.

If thoughts can set intentions that attract the life experiences, then we are, in fact, what we think. Uncomfortable in the midst of lifes challenges to accept that we have the power to correct most situations by simply exploring expectations, response, and thoughts. If it is possible we seek problems because we need their gifts, ‘why IS this happening’– a journey into the 5 whys might be helpful!

“Six Sigma’s DMAIC Process of Exercising the ‘5 Why’s‘
to explore and confirm understanding provide an excellent vehicle for positive change. The Whys are useful in Business Problem Solving to simply communicate beyond natural assumptions or bias to discover new possibilities. I had seen a very nice application of the 5 whys on Marketing
Headhunter.com. If you feel you would let youself off too easy
to do this, seek a career coach, a friend, or of course you can join
the Helping
Friends Yahoo on Career Transformation or Ryze network on
Winning Career Strategies.. Although the networking features
are free, the value and introspection from charting and acting on your
life course is priceless!

My inside, listen to me, the greatest spirit,

The Teacher, is near,

wake up, wake up!

Oh, friend, I love you, think this over

Carefully! If you are in love,

then why are you asleep?

– Anonymous

I often know that I have met a challenge in my life when I become suddenly aware of new knowledge. It’s as if a light goes on, and things suddenly make sense. One friend of mine refers to this as “a blinding flash of the obvious.” It’s important to take such a moment of awareness seriously; it is a cue that a lesson has been learned and that it’s time to move on. 

In the past, not trusting myself and not in touch with my connectedness to the Universe, I relied on unhealthy ways to make sense of my life. The more I used intellect and will to manage and run my life, the less I accomplished.

A moment of awareness is a moment of grace. It’s as if the Universe gives us a wonderful gift, and we can turn right around and say, “So that’s what this is all about!” One’s receptiveness to such a moment gives us the willingness to trust where we have been and the strength to go where our life calls us next. I will always cherish the awareness in my life.

Overview

1

Challenge

2

Action

3

Sacrifice

4

New Situation

null

5

When consulting the Runes, situations will occasionally arise when one’s “need-to-know” goes beyond the authority of a single stone or the Three Rune Spread. The Five Rune Spread can help to identify the distinctive components of a situation that might otherwise overwhelm with its complexity.

Begin by clearly formulating the issue. Draw five Runes from the bag, one at a time, and place them one below the other. In descending order, the Runes stand for:

1. Overview of the Situation
2. Challenge
3. Course of Action Called for
4. Sacrifice
5. New Situation Evolving

The Five Rune Spread is absolutely personal and specific. If five Runes are drawn from the bag and placed down on the field, the odds against drawing this particular spread are 607,614 to 1. If however, a Rune is drawn, written down, returned to the bag making the next selection from a full bag of Runes, the odds against drawing this particular spread are now 312,500,500 to 1.

The fourth position, “Sacrifice” is intended as recognition that life offers choices and options that are often mutually exclusive. The concept of sacrifice has, over time, come to be associated with pain and loss. The application of sacrifice in the Five Rune Spread refers to that which has peeled away, shed or discarded, as is called for in the Rune Othila. Othila portends the emergence of new wholeness. Originally a boding of two Latin words, sacrificium and facere, one of the core meanings of sacrifice is “surrender to God.”

A Sample Reading

From my Rune Journal I will again make reference to the successful business I owned with my ex-partner. I was the creative impulse of the idea, and the slogging hard work of getting the company on its feet. The company was “my baby.” When it came time to allow a competitor to acquire the company, the competitor wanted my participation, but not my partner’s. All my fears regarding loyalty, abandonment, the risk to the long-term relationship with my partner and his self-esteem were brought to the surface by this situation. I decided to do a Five Rune Spread which is the spread used above.

Perth, the Rune of Initiation as the overview of the situation, immediately shifted my focus away from both my relationship with my partner and the business. “Nothing external matters here, except as it shows you its inner reflection” – these words were key for me. I realized this was another crossroad on the path of self-change.

Uruz, the Rune of Strength Reversed, indicated the need to respond consciously to “the demands of such a creative time.” It was clear the correct decision would encourage my growth at all levels – corporate as well as personal.

Wunjo reversed speaks of the process of birth being long and arduous as well as the fears which arise for the safety of the child within. The Runes were reminding me that I was going through a test.

Nauthiz, the Rune of Constraint Reversed, in the Sacrifice position conveyed the great teacher in the guise of pain and limitation. I was able to more clearly see that it was time to take a new kind of responsibility for what I had created, to own and honor it and to do what was right for the company.

Dagaz, the Rune of Breakthrough addressed the New Situation Evolving. This Rune offers the assurance that, “because the timing is right, the outcome is assured, although not, from the present vantage point, predictable.” My partner went on to become a success with his considerable talent with a prescription drug company.

It seems as though my Light went out on or about the twenty-first of June, 2005. That was the day that my partner of 11years ended our relationship. From that day forward, and for many days thereafter, I could no longer stomach my life, or even my own existence. I wished I were dead. And with that thought in my head, a dull, constant pain in my heart began in my chest, My Light had gone out.  That bulb blew so hard, that I haven’t found a way to turn it back on again. Everything changed after my Light went out. No more jokes from me, and no more smiles either.  The way I look or the way that I live. I began hating myself so much, that all I wanted was to die. I wanted to be dead, or dying. One of the two. It didn’t matter. And then my wish came true. The first suicide attempt. Botched. The second attempt, failed. An admission to a psychiatric facility for management of my bi polar disorder and rehab for my addiction to crystal meth. I began faking my progress through treatment. I said all the right things that were expected of me by the staff at St. Luke’s.

And then I found out that I was not only HIV+, but in full-blown AIDS. At last, I was at least dying. My Light was really gone now. Everything I knew in my life began to fall apart and fell away from me. I couldn’t grasp anything that mattered to me. I couldn’t go back to the home Joel and I shared for ten years. Our pets were to be split up between us. Our furniture sent to be auctioned off. I would move in with my sister, apply for welfare assistance and hope for the day when I might be able to live independently once again. There was to be outpatient treatment, and twelve step groups. There would be no using of crystal meth, and no consuming of alcohol. I was watched as though I were an escapee from an asylum, someone on the verge of committing some terrible act of harm against society. Without my Light, I began feeling lost, alone, and afraid.

The only echoes of my previous life were those of the hurt, pain and suffering I inflicted upon those I claimed to have loved. There were dances in my head, of lies, deceit, cheating and manipulation. Without my Light, there was no life for me to love or for me to feel was worth living. How could Joel ever forgive me? I beat myself mentally until I felt that I was worthless, almost subhuman.

Then there were small sparks. An apartment. My independence. Welfare and food stamps. Friends to support me emotionally and to help me feel at least somewhat loved. A bigger spark still, I met my present partner, Christopher. Things moved quickly. We stated our love for one another the very first night that we met. He never left after that first night. We decided he would move in. This was my love at first sight experience. A glimmer of light. But not Light.

Something was wrong though with this relationship with Christopher. Our dreamy beginning suddenly turned cold and dark, as his temper flared, outbursts we eventually would call them. Physical harm. Hurtful, hateful words that still sting like a nerve pain. Without Light, life was in chaos. I couldn’t manage my life, Christopher couldn’t manage his, and neither of us could fully support the other. Our lights were shut off by the power company and for nearly three months we lived in darkness until we were evicted from that apartment. We lived in disarray. Whose fault was that? Why even bother to cast blame. Joel turned his Light upon me and I saw the way in which I was living, and it was not the way I have ever lived in the past. I could see it all, but only for a few moments. My ex-partner stretched out his arm and said he’d help me out this one time. This one time only.

A new apartment and a fresh start, but not the best choice. Close to the home I had with my ex-partner, and in my old neighborhood, but not safe. Still, life was not managed well. The car is lost, stolen, towed. Who really knows? We got caught driving it with a suspended registration and no insurance. I had to go before a judge and I still have not yet dealt with the fines. I should be filing for protection under bankruptcy. I can’t manage my money at all. And Christopher will spend it faster than I have ever imagined anyone spending money. My ex-partner remained by my side for a time, with ideas to make life manageable. He helped in many ways. His Light shining on me confused me then. I found myself fantasizing about being back in relationship with him. With every crisis in my life, I called him and was there. Shining some more of his Light so that I can see a little better than before. His shining Light revealed strange pathways of mine that appear when I make choices and decisions. I began to become aware that I wasn’t on the path that I should have been on.  Sadly, my ex-partner has completely severed all ties with Christopher and I, apparently having gotten in touch with some latent resentment and anger, for which he claims he will never be able to come to any form of forgiveness, the forgiveness from before, he says, wasn’t authentic.

Without my own Light, I feel that death is near. Surely without Light, my life shall end. I prepare for my own transition. Memorial service and the entirety of its music is selected, Last Will and Testament complete, disposition of the animals noted, Health Care Power of Attorney chosen. Now why won’t death just come? I’ve got to wait here in the dark? This isn’t even funny. I already feel so lost, alone and afraid. Christopher seems to be getting somewhat better though not really committing to taking his meds or going to therapy.

In my darkness I can’t see. Even my glasses are gone most of the time, worn by Christopher. I find a new area of discomfort in my gut. It’s vile and poisonous and comes through my darkness in the form of mean, hateful, hurtful behavior. Words that I know will cause equal pain and suffering to mine are hurled out against Christopher. And following these waves of anger grew despair and deep depression. A depression so deep that I can’t even move. Nothing looks good to me. I see no positive to my being here or my existence. My body feels as though each day, it is shutting down just a little more. I experience chest pain so severe that I have to stop and catch my breath and to rest until it subsides.

I take many, many pictures of myself. Christopher takes many as well. In these pictures I try to smile, as though I would be filled with Light, but each photo reveals a face that is contorted or in pain with each attempt. I look at these pictures and think to myself, “There is no Light living here”. I begin to edit each picture making each look even more gloomy, and dark.

With each day comes greater waves of anger and loss of self control. “I want Joel” I tell Christopher. “Joel will help me. He’ll rescue me. He always does. Joel is always there for me”. Christopher hears this many times over, and eventually begins to doubt my love for him. He believes it is Joel that I want. And if that’s the case I should go to him. But Joel has moved on. I have not. If I had my Light, maybe I could see my way clear, and move on from Joel. Or is that just an excuse to hang on to something familiar and someone who forgives and gives generously? My Light doesn’t even come on when I’m in the house we once owned together. It’s all so different and it doesn’t feel like my home any longer. All I hear are the echoes of the life we once lived there. Echoes of family gatherings and parties with friends. Of projects and crafts. And of course the things I did there that ruined the Light. Shameful, disrespectful, deceitful acts.

I miss the life that I had when I also had Light. Life was Spiritual. Life had a rhythm and a cadence. Life to me now, has a loud bullying voice that embarrasses me. Which of course I retaliate with my own viciousness that is sure to hurt. This life is filled with loss. The loss of things that was once dear and valued by me. Destroyed by someone who had no regard for their meaning and felt there would be a better use for them as an art project. The actual loss of a pet (Precious) and the impending loss of Cinder. I still grieve the loss of Pepper, Blue and CeCe. All of this is what I believe put out that once beautiful, shining, glorious Light that I had been filled with. Now, I have nothing. My writing this will certainly not please my partner. But it is the truth. I can’t go on living a life without Light. It doesn’t even matter how many days I may have left. Even if it’s just a few days of life yet to be lived, I would choose to have it filled with Light than all of this darkness.

I would like to know the steps I must take to reclaim my Light. How exactly do I get it back? Where do I begin? I wish to laugh again, and make jokes. I want a smile on my face to come naturally. I want to feel the love I have for another, and in turn the love one has for me. I want to turn to my God when I feel my Light begin to dim, to talk things out the way we used to. I want to enjoy the routine of life, and respect the entire world around me. I want to be responsible to the pets in my charge and give them the best care possible. I wish to cry less. I cry so hard that my Soul begins to hurt. And Souls aren’t supposed to hurt. I want my Light to return. It has taken much of my strength to cry out for help. But I did. I welcome feedback and feel assured that help will come. And so will my Light.