I stood up my dearest, dearest Hydor: I can’t quit feeling so hideous doing this to the sensitive sensible boy that I’ve got the chance to have as a spirit brother.

All this because of the *%#! period

I Hate period

I don’t really know what I want to say, I just know I miss baby Z today. I  would have been such a dissappointment to her if she’d made it. I really want to change. I’m trying – one day at a time, right? Why is it so hard though? It’s taking everything I have not to just get into bed and cry the entire night away.

I miss her so much… I just wish I’d known before and maybe I could have changed the way things turned out.

1. Paul Simon’s music; I love his voice

2. Interviewers that can make you feel like a part of the story; I love watching Diane Sawyer interview people—she has such a gift.

3. Oatmeal in the morning

4. Getting through a particularly difficult day

5. Reaching outward; looking for connection instead of isolation

You can do it too.

Yayyyy! It was sunny here in bay area, people. Call it global warming or anything else, the all-day chilly weather from yesterday turned into a beautiful spring day today. And we didn’t miss the opportunity. We went hiking (more of a walking actually). Our most favorite activity here. Bay area has enough hills/mountains for any one to just go walking.

Here is a picture from today’s hike.

Here is hoping that the sunny spring days will be here soon.

On a side note, I always feel good that I am not addicted to caffeine as the other one in my house is, but I seriously miss the feeling of drinking a good coffee on a winter evening.

My father made jian bing guo zi today. We haven’t had those in a few months now.
They were so yummy that I had three — and now my stomach’s nearly exploding.
But it was worth it.

I still can’t believe he got up from his seat at his computer just to ask me if I wanted him to make me some. He’d left all the ingredients out on the counter, even after the rest of the family had finished their breakfast, because he knew that after I woke up, I’d want to eat one. Or three.

You complained about having to make so many, about how many eggs you were using up, and about how the cholesterol in the eggs weren’t good for me. But I could tell that you secretly felt proud of yourself. You knew that your cooking skills were being appreciated. You knew how much your jian bing guo zi reminded me of our hometown, of the good old days, back when you were my Daddy and I was your cute little daughter in the family that had been blessed with so many sons.

We barely talk anymore except to yell at each other. But whoever said, “actions speak louder than words,” was right. Sometimes, just sometimes, amidst all the yelling, I can tell that you do care about me. 

Thanks, father.
Maybe I will miss home after I leave for university.

———————–

P.S. Blizzard really is a good movie.
It might be cheesy, but YTV’s filmmaking skills aren’t that bad. I haven’t watched Blizzard since it came out in 2003. Again, remembering the good old days. The ending made me cry. (What am I turning into these days, a weepy PMS-sy drama queen?)
I wish I hadn’t stopped skating.

———————–

P.P.S. I just noticed that this is my 127th post.
I doubt you recognize the significance of that. But it’s there.

They put one up this morning. RIGHT in the entrance hall, in the way of everything. Did I mention it’s silver and rather hideous? And they threw out all our old decorations, too. I didn’t even find out about it till I came downstairs this afternoon. >_> Thanks for letting me know, family.

Meanwhile, les parents sont sortis. My mother has an office party to go to for Christmas, and of course spouses are invited. Yeah, a Christmas party in November. Does that seem wrong to anybody else? She got me to do her makeup before she left… I always thought I failed at makeup, but apparently I’m good enough to do hers. Huh.

There are also a bunch of Christmas events to sort out:
- a huge group MUN thing that we still haven’t chosen the date/location for
- a skating thing with Samson and Karli
- a Secret Santa Christmas party with a group of girls from my school that someone conveniently “forgot” to invite me to, which makes me wonder if they were going to invite me to begin with
- an IB Music Conference hosted at PA that Mr. Smith is having me help plan
- the grad Christmas banquet, which nearly 20 ppl haven’t paid for yet
- Gracia’s birthday party
- a Team Ukraine girls’ sleepover that has yet to be planned
- a get-together with old childhood friends that we’ve been trying to plan for years, but never happened yet

Statistic of the Day:
Someone found my blog by googling “Beelzebub” and “FML IB”.
I laugh.

Slaughtering sheeps (yeah! yeah you can puke if you feel this way, just stay away from my puzzle would you u_u?)

Kebab, falafil, meat, meat, meat, mint tea (I missed all that – except tea- for fish and vegetables…No, I’m not that vegan and I’m not that nuts, I just happen to dislike very much meat, specially red meat, specially sheep meat)

A quiet house (not many guests this year…As years go on, Aïd is losing the atmosphere it used to have before..Not this fever in the stairs, the smell everywhere and the loud talk in every house…)

Nothing much to say about this Aïd: I didn’t even see our sheep, I didn’t step in the living room where people were having the traditional lunch, I didn’t help, didn’t feel…

I think I feel too indifferent to move something…I feel tired and I wish I could stay on a corner feeling numb for a whole week.

Instead, I’ve got a full planning of meeting friends and doing homework…

I feel too much adrenaline within my blood to be wasted on a corner

Earlier in the year I wrote about the unknown whereabouts of Gerry Rafferty. He had been reported as being in a serious battle with drink and had disappeared from a London hospital giving rise to concern over his well being.

IT would appear that Gerry is ok, living in Tuscany, and a “new” album was released almost unnoticed this week. I say new but really there were only two tracks here I hadn’t heard before – a version of the Beatles Because and the Irish folk song the Maid of Culmore.

Info and sound clips are here

Gerry Rafferty

Anyhoo it’s not often I get the chance to feature the work of a BLFP correspondent but this song, I See Red, recorded by Gerry was written by his brother Jim who dropped by the blog yesterday.

Eoin Colfer is seriously awesome.
There’s a reason I call him my second favourite modern author. ♥

Anyways, I found this book on my bookshelf.
I bought it on sale from Black Bond Books about three years ago but never had time to read it. Now, I’m really glad I saved it till today.
There are SO MANY references to Heaven and Hell, and I am 100% sure that Colfer referenced both Milton’s Paradise Lost and Dante’s Inferno when he wrote it. I’m going to read the whole thing in order to help me study for English… IOCs… T_T  Even though Dante and Milton aren’t on the IOC, I think that making the analysis and comparisons will help me. (No, this isn’t just an excuse to read a delicious novel!)

I’m only around page 63, but I’m already loving this book.
But what did you expect, coming from the guy who created Artemis Fowl?

I’m going to use this excerpt to give some analysis on the concepts of Hell and Satan, as presented by Colfer, Dante, and Milton.
Wow. How lame am I? We already had our Hell essay this morning, and NOW I’m studying for it. -_-;; Oh well. Maybe I could use this for my next World Lit essay, though!

… no, wait, seriously. Could I? O_O

———-

Excerpt: The Wish List, by Eoin Colfer
Published 2003, Hyperion Books

Chapter One: Double Act
a passage from page 15-16

…
They hurtled around a bend. Up ahead the tunnel split in two. That didn’t take a whole lot of figuring out. Up and down. Good and bad. Heaven and hell. Meg swallowed. This was it. Payback for all the cruelty she’d inflicted on the people of Newford.
The currents bore them along at a terrific speed. There was no friction. No winds whipping (1) at their clothes or ballooning their cheeks. Just an increasing heat blast from the lower branch of the tunnel. As they drew closer, Meg could make out cinder-blackened figures with pitchforks (2) dislodging stragglers clinging to the wall. Hurrying them along on their way to hell.
This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be happening to her. Fourteen-year-olds didn’t die; they went through a troublesome phase and grew out of it.
Meg could see details now. The red demon-eye glow (3) of the tunnel creatures. The silvery glint of their prongs. The job satisfaction in their grins.
Belch whined in dumb terror, pinwheeling his arms in the heavy air, as if that could save him. Meg steeled herself.
The gate to hell loomed before them. It seemed as large as the sun, and almost as hot. Meg balled her fists. She wasn’t going down easy.
Then her course changed. Just a nudge to starboard, but enough to steer her away from the lower passage. A relieved sigh exploded from her lungs. Purgatory (4), limbo (5), reincarnation — she didn’t care.  Anything was better than whatever waited at the end of the red tunnel.
The Belch-Raptor combo wasn’t so lucky. In a second the fiery current (6) had him and he was gone, spinning into the inferno (7).
Meg had no time to worry about the fate of her associate. Whatever power had been guiding her suddenly vanished, leaving her careering with the force of her own momentum. The tunnel wall reared before her. It looked soft. Soft and blue. Please let it be soft…
No such luck. Meg smashed into an unforgiving surface at an Earth speed of four hundred miles per hour (8). Not that speed makes any actual difference on the spiritual plane, where kinetics are out the window. That’s not to say that it didn’t hurt.

Chapter Two: Dead As Doornails
a passage from page 17-19

The Devil was not happy. (9)
“Two,” he said, drumming filed nails on the desktop. “I was expecting two today.”
Beelzebub (10) shuffled nervously. “There are two, Master, sort of. I have them … it … whatever … in pit nineteen (11).”
“Two humans!” hissed Satan, tiny lightning bolts sparking between his horns. “Not one youth and his dog! How did a dog get in here, anyway?” (12)
“They were … blended together. One heaven (13) of an accident,” stammered his aide-de-camp, consulting a clipboard. “The boy is a true disciple (13). Very impressive humancycle. Bullying, torturing animals, theft, murder. A rap sheet as long as your tail. And the dog, a real hound of Satan. Tetanus injectuion sales have risen by fifteen percent in the first quarter.”
The Lord of Darkness (14) was not impressed. “He’s a cretin.” (15)
“The dog?”
“No, you halfwit! The boy! Unimaginative, brutal.”
Beelzebub shrugged. “Evil is evil, Master.”
Satan wagged a fine-boned finger. “No, you see, that’s where you’re wrong. That’s why you’re a minion, and I am the undisputed Lord of the Underworld. You have no vision, Bub (16), no flair.” 
Beelzebub’s fangs quivered in his mouth. He hated being called Bub. There wasn’t another being in the universe who would dare to use that condescending abbreviation … well, perhaps just one — a certain saint named Peter.
“These impuse sinners have no staying power. Their life expectancy is too short for them to wreak any real havoc. (17) One major sin and they’re gone. No planning, you see. No thought of getting away with it.”
Beelzebub nooded dutifully, as though he didn’t get treated to this lecture at least a dozen times a millenium.
“But you give me one creative sinner and he’ll be spreading the gospel of misery (18) for decades before anyone catches him. If ever.”
“True, Master, very true.”
Satan’s eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t be patronizing me, would you, Bub?”
“No,” croaked a very nervous senior demon. “Of course not, Master.”
“Glad to hear it. Because if I thought for one second that I didn’t have your undivided attention, I might move you from that apartment overlooking the Plain of Fire (19), and into the Dung Pit (20).”
Beelzebub flicked a forked tongue over suddenly dry lips. Dung was all very well at work, but you had to switch off sometime.
…

[and so the story continues.]

———————————
Footnotes.
Because yes, I’m going to add footnotes to my blog post.
Because yes, I’m just that nerdy. B]

If you’re an IB kid, reading the below is probably going to be a lot more useful than reading the excerpt above. The excerpt is only to help contextualize.
Actually, what am I saying?
This thing is so long that nobody’s going to bother to read this except myself, three years from now when it doesn’t even matter anymore. -_-;;

1) Inferno:
Think buffeting winds and cyclones. Canto 4. (I think? I don’t have the book with me, so these references are just based on memory. Sorry. T_T)
2) Tridents! You can tell that Colfer is choosing a Greek/Roman-mythology version of Hell, in which Hades/Pluto has a pitchfork or a trident as a sort of staff. Neither Inferno nor PL have this; their Satans are powerful without needing a way to direct their power.
3) Inferno and PL:
The dim light that you could just barely see by, but not bright enough to counter the darkness. A darkness without light. Canto 23/25 and Book I. (Okay, WHY do I know this off the top of my head?)
4) Purgatorio:
Not a book I’ve read, but the second part of the Divine Comedy. Do you even DOUBT that Colfer has read Dante?
5) Inferno:
Limbo, where the lukewarm or the people who weren’t-quite-good-enough go. Or in Colfer’s version, the place where people go when they’re not good enough for Heaven but not bad enough for Hell. Canto 3. (Why do I know this…?!)
6) PL:
Waves and currents and lakes of burning liquid fire. Colfer used the word “current” for a reason.
7) Inferno:
“Into the inferno”… Do I need to explain this? XD
What, no velocity? … sorry, I just had to throw a physics joke in there.

9) Irony! The Devil isn’t happy. That implies that sometimes he is happy… which is impossible. After all, he’s languishing in Hell! XD
10) PL:
Beelzebub enters the scene immediately after Satan does, just like in PL. And just like in PL, Beelzebub is the second character to speak, immediately in response to Satan. And we’ll find out later that Colfer assigns Beelzebub to be Satan’s second-in-command… just like in PL. Book I. Again, you cannot doubt that Colfer has studied Milton.
Also note that Colfer took this directly from PL, since technically Beelzebub is Satan. Milton took an artistic liberty in separating the two into distinct characters, and it is clear that Colfer adopted this interpretation.
11) Inferno:
Technically, there isn’t a “pit nineteen”. Dante’s Hell is in concentric circles that have eight major sections. And near the centre, yeah, there’s Malebolge, with its many pits for the really sinful people, but even then, there are only 10 pits. Tsk tsk. Colfer, I was really hoping for a joke of some sort. I thought you’d put Belch in Canto 23 with the thieves!
12) Follows with both Inferno and PL’s ideas that animals don’t go to an afterlife.
13) Allusion. Normally, people say, “one helluva ___” or “one hell of a ___” to swear/curse. Since Beelzebub is in Hell, though, he reverses that by cursing Heaven instead. I find that comedic. Same in his reference to tetanus shots — it sounds as though he’s talking about the stock market!
14) “Lord of Darkness,” another one of Satan’s many titles.
15) Hypocrite! Satan calls Belch a cretin… and Satan isn’t one?
16) Beelzebub –> “Bub”. You’ve got to give Colfer some credit for that one. “Bub” is such a frequently-used derogatory nickname, and Colfer managed to make Beelzebub into that. It’s perfect subtle comedy!
17) Contrasts both Inferno and PL:
Satan speaks as though he’s running a business, as though he’s talking about efficiencies. I suppose he is, but that amuses me. In the two classics, the sinners are trying to atone for their sins, but here, they’re trying to continue their havoc.
18) Irony/Allusion. A “gospel” is supposed to be “good news”. Satan here completely reverses that — apparently misery is good news now? XD
19) Inferno:
The Fiery Plains are where the homosexuals, usurers, and blasphemers run/sit/lie on the plains and have a rain of fire fall down upon them. I suppose an apartment there would be much preferred to a room in the dung pits. Canto 23-27… I probably know so specifically only because I did that essay today. Right? O_o;;
20) Inferno:
The Dung Pit is part of Malebolge, where the greedy sinners who displayed avarice crawled around naked in dung and had to eat it, too. T_T Ew.  As in, all their material possessions were worth nothing but dung. This is around Canto 27-ish… not sure.

And that concludes my 1737-word  blog post analysis on the setting of Hell and the character(s) of Satan as interpreted by Colfer, Dante, and Milton. T_T
I hope you enjoyed reading this… and didn’t die of boredom.
I actually kind of enjoyed writing this. Heh. Irony?

I logged onto facebook today to discovered that Vivian had gone through most of Michael’s old notes and commented “dislike” on all of the ones that involved me. (Oh, yes, Michael, don’t think I don’t know who she is. I don’t need to stalk; it’s pretty evident. >_>)
Being reminded of these old notes wasn’t fun.
In fact, I’d forgotten all about them.
I won’t deny it: I completely see why she’d begrudge these notes. I mean, any normal girl would easily hate “The Ex”. Reading the notes, I don’t doubt she’d wonder what else had been talked about that she never knew about. I almost feel sorry for her that she had to see those notes. >_< Most likely she stumbled upon them by mistake. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to see (or even know of) them if I were in her position.
But I kind of think she dealt with it immaturely. By commenting on those notes, she reminded us all of something we probably don’t need (or want) to remember. And poor Amaris keeps getting dragged into the mess, too. >_< If she really does have a strong opinion on it (and I don’t doubt that, either) she’d have been better off talking to Michael in person about it. Not announcing her displeasure publicly.
But then again, I have no idea what’s going on. Quite possibly she’s dealing with it in a way that I know nothing about. I was almost about to send her an inbox message and request that she not try to bring things like that back up, but… now that I think about it, it’s probably better to do nothing. After all, considering the anecdotes Michael tells, she could quite possibly despise me.

Sigh. The stupid past.

Meanwhile, in the present, I still haven’t received an answer. >_>
Surely you’ve made up your mind by now! It’s been nearly a week!

I had three tests today. T_T
First block English, the in-class essay on Hell. I hadn’t prepared at all for the essay because I’d been studying chem the night before (using the terribly-written textbook, since Conrad has my review pkg). But this morning in a slight panic, I pulled out my notes from this summer about Dante, and somehow I ended up with enough materials to make up five pages of essay. There were some things I didn’t even end up using. Hah, so no need to worry after all!
Then, immediately next block, the chem test on energetics. I hadn’t anticipated that the two would be right back-to-back, but I think I did all right on both.
There was a bit of a break in between, where we watched a documentary about the Korean War. 
Finally, the math test. TRIG. T_T I remember being really good at trig back in grades 9 and 10 and even 11. Well, today was paper 2, calculator-active, so it turned out a lot better than I feared. I was able to answer all the questions on the first three pages… unfortunately, I ran out of time for the last page. Bye-bye, 14 marks.

Afterwards, I rehearsed Life Is A Road with Jireh for the first time. We added a bit of harmony and adjusted the notes and who-sings-which-lines a bit. I think we sound pretty good! He just needs to sing a bit louder during his solo bits… and I need to quiet down when I’m on harmony so that I don’t overpower him. XD No worries. It’ll be good at the Christmas banquet.

All in all, a very busy, stressful day… but I’m okay.
It turned out balanced — an equilibrium of good and bad things.
… wow, physics on the brain. T_T (If only I could channel that on tests.)

Yep, that’s me.

I’ve sent off the email to the VMUN Secretariat and registered PA for that conference. I’m not too sure what I’ll have to do as HD — after all, I’m kind of only taking over the position after Dennis… didn’t do much. -_-;;
So uh, if you’re reading this and you can tell me anything about what I need to do, please let me know. I will appreciate any insight.

I’m going to have to figure out exactly who from PA want to attend. And we’re going to have to register pretty soon, since the deadline is Dec. 10.

I have to admit that I’m a little intimidated. They weren’t kidding when they told us that VMUN was really hardcore. I think their only beginner committee is WHO. Aside from that, there’s the Security Council, NATO, a new Disarmament/Int’l Security Committee, and two Councils for North/South Korea. WHOA. O_O I’m not even sure where I fit… they keep saying how you need lots of prior MUN experience for many of these committees.

Their website isn’t very clear, either. I think I preferred the ConnectMUN website. Disregarding the layout and design scheme, the VMUN website barely gives you any information. And I find it a bit strange that there’s only one email address to contact. They also don’t tell us anything about position papers… AIYAH. I wish I knew more. As HD, people are going to be asking me questions, and I won’t be able to answer a lot of them…

EDIT:
Okay, and add CAHSMUN to the list, too. I can’t access their website from school for some reason. >_> Web filter. Pfft.

I stayed behind after school today because of the UBC info session. (At lunch, there was also a McGill session, and I’ll definitely be applying there, too.) I could’ve gone home and come back, but I didn’t feel like walking the 20 min trip and then back again. Yicheng and Conrad stayed behind as well, so between 3:30 and 6:30, I was able to spend the three hours somewhat productively.

We listened to loud Asian music on Conrad’s cell phone while I reorganized my folder. (It had gotten so full these days that I couldn’t even close it. T_T) Then, I studied chem and managed to work through half the review package. Yay. Yicheng frequently interjected with questions about Macbeth and Paradise Lost, and I was able to explain a lot of interpretations to him. That helped all three of us, because Yicheng now understand the passages, I was able to practice talking as though it was an IOC, and even Conrad claims that he was listening and therefore acquired some insight. I guess I should feel proud of myself that I was able to sort of “teach”. To be honest, I’m really glad people are asking me questions about random passages. This is definitely the best way for me to practice for my IOC.
Btw, I’ll be going FIRST out of the whole class next Tuesday. Hooboy. X_X Dueck told me aside that he was making me go first because he knew I’d “be able to handle it” (that is, the stress of going first). I think what he means is that he hopes I’ll be able to not fail, and then I’ll come out of the oral NOT freaking out, which he hopes will make the other IB kids less stressed out when they see me. :\ I wonder how well that plan will work. T_T It all banks on how well I do on my IOC. And I guess it makes sense — if I freak out, that’s likely to affect the other kids, too.

Anyways. The UBC info session. The presenter, Yusuf, kept picking on me (and I him) and it turned into a humoured battle. I was feeling really guilty about it (and kept trying to assure him that I wasn’t trying to be hard on him out of a malicious intent), but at the very end he actually thanked me and told me that my casual way of teasing him and making conversation made him feel comfortable presenting to our group. Supposedly, this was one of the easiest presentations he’s ever given. Yay? That’s good news. Often I accidentally give off a cold demeanor and make people feel UNcomfortable.

I don’t think I want to talk about the math or physics tests today. T_T Let’s just say they didn’t go so well. On the other hand, I have three more tests tomorrow: math paper 2, chem topic 5 unit test, and an in-class essay in English on Hell in Milton vs. in Dante.
I also stupidly REQUESTED another test from Mr. Flink. -_-;; A month ago we did a test on math topic 1, and while I did fairly well in the sequences section, my logs failed. So lately I’ve been going through the textbook and relearning all the logs and lns — and I guess I wanted to prove myself to him or something, because I asked for another “assessment” … aka a test. We scheduled it to next Tuesday… and then I looked at my agenda. Tuesday is my IOC. GREAT. GENIUS, Anne. What a genius. >_>

Finally, he approached me a couple of times today. I think he’s made his decision. But everytime, I was in conversation with another guy about something completely unrelated, and he ended up not saying anything. But his mood seemed like he was getting ready to deliver bad news, so… I’m worried. I don’t think this will end well.

On another note, I’m preparing a song with Jireh for the Christmas banquet. I’m surprised that it’s a bit high for him, but it’s fine. We can transpose. Which is what I did earlier today on Kevin’s piano. Writing out sheet music by hand is HARD, though. >_< Hopefully I’ve brought it down enough for him… if we go any lower, it’ll be too low for my range! XD He’s saying he wants to do the song with a full band — as in, drums, guitar, piano. Whoa. O_O That was unexpected. I was thinking acapella… drums, max. Guess we’ll need to find some musicians ASAP.

P.S. Happy 44th birthday, mother.

Today seems like a good day to stop. Enjoy summer.

Life is a suitor who has presented himself to you. Take his hand.

Life is not for later. It is not a sometime thing. It is rushing to you now.

Even when you sleep, you are in life’s embrace.

Give service to your life, and enter into it.

Whatever music is being played, let this be the music you dance to. Swirl from the joy of it.

Even if you do not consider yourself a good dancer, dance anyway.

You may prefer waltz to polkas, but if polka is what the band is playing now, get up and dance it. And if the band is taking a break, then enjoy sitting down. Enjoy the pauses as well as the dance.

Life has chosen you as its partner. It has its eye on you, and, at this moment, only you. You are the one life wants to dance with or sit out a dance with. Life wants you resting your hand on his arm. Life wants you engaged with him. He wants you to look at him fully in the eyes. Be his partner. Be his paramour. Be his companion.

Give your best to this dance, whatever music is playing. You do not know what you are capable of this moment. You do not know your spinning capability until you spin. Even if you spun yesterday, today calls on you to spin again. Perhaps today your feet leave the ground. Perhaps today you dance on air. You have to get up and dance to find out.

Perhaps today you trip over your own feet. Be glad for that as well. Perhaps today you are a wallflower. Well, then, bloom against the wall. You are still today’s dancer. Even sitting down, you are nevertheless a dancer. You are a dancer sitting down at the moment.

Today life may send you flowers. Tomorrow, you find a dandelion at your doorstep. Welcome it anyway.

Perhaps today you give life some flowers. Perhaps you strew them. Perhaps you give life a huge bouquet, one never arranged like this before. Perhaps today you give life a thank you note. Even though you can never give life back all that it has given you, you can give it something. You can give it a welcome. You can meet it at the door. You can go arm and arm with it without further ado. Perhaps you can ask life to dance, teach it a tap dance or two. Perhaps tango with life today.

See how you dance. This is something, you and life together on the dance floor dancing a tango like no other tango ever danced before, danced for the first time. Even when no one is watching, dance for the dance. Dances come and go, yet you are always a dancer. Even in stillness, you are a dancer. So, dance then. Dance.

-A letter from heaven

Sige ikembot, sige ikembot…ikembot mo all around!

It’s 26th of November. A lot of time have passed since I lost posted anything. I guess nothing remarkable happend to me that is worth of writting down but yet I’ve decided to do so. I’ve been working for about 5 months and I guess it’s a good thing as I gain experience of life and socialize more with people. I couldn’t go to that university I wanted, couldn’t afford it. Everyone tells me to do a state univ but I don’t want that. There are a lot of people with state diplomas and many a lot better than me, plus nowadays finding a job is really hard. I want a special and intensive study on something that I would like and that is really needed so I can have a good income and start building my future. My dreams are still making my own family, that’s the only happiness I seek. I don’t dream of being famous or loafing in money. The most valuable thing for me is love…which I haven’t found yet… Love issues are really complicated and I confess I really suck at it. But still I don’t know why no girl can see more through me instead of what I am in appearance. Maybe I’m too different ? I don’t know. And I also don’t know any other way to act or be than as I trully am and also I will never try to fake the way I am. I want someone to reach to understand me, to know my feelings, to know my mind and to conquer my heart with her love. I do get a lot of crushes on cute girls but I always hesitate as I’m used of beeing rejected and I don’t like the feeling. Some girls don’t even speak to me anymore if I say I like them and that’s something I could never understand. Am I the weird one or they are ? I know I am different, maybe too deep and intensive in feelings, I don’t know. Even though it seems to everyone that I’m ok I am not. I’m not good with myself, I can’t find my place. It’s like I don’t fit in. It’s like if I was the dirty and ugly puppet walking through life having the loneliness as the puppeteer. A lot of people at a moment like this are recurring to suicide but that’s so stupid. I love life, I like to live. I want to enoy life. I’m stuck…can even love set me free ? I’m not sure if I’ll ever know…

Today, we celebrate Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving- a holiday which we’re told was initially celebrated by the Pilgrims and the Indians to give thanks for bountiful harvests.  Today, Thanksgiving is typically a celebration with friends and family where we stuff ourselves full of turkey and other delicious food till we’re in a food coma.  Damn that tryptophan.  Those still awake watch football or plan where they’re going for the Black Friday deals.

Over the last few days, I’ve been contemplating and reflecting over the things that I am thankful for this year.  Some times sarcasm creeps– what can you be thankful for when your world is turned upside down and you’ve lived through the darkest, loneliest, saddest times you’ve ever been through.  I’ve then given myself a mental pep talk.  After several days of  thinking, I’ve found some light in the darkness.

Basically 2009 has just plain sucked since February.  Life was so good before February- I had a husband whom I loved dearly and we were such a happy family with our new son.  Everybody was healthy.  Life was good.

Then along came February and the stage IV diagnosis, followed by our fight and culminating in our lost battle.

But through it all there are things to be thankful for.

Nathaniel.  I have a wonderful easy going delightful son.  He is a pleasure to be around and his growth and development is nothing short of amazing to witness.

John got to be a father and he was a great one.  Some men never have the opportunity to become fathers.  Of the ones that do, not all of them are great.  John enjoyed fatherhood as much as he physically could through his illness.  Mentally it gave him a reason to fight and a reason to live that stretched beyond self.  John loved his boy so much.  He told me that Nathaniel’s laughter was his most favorite sound.

I had a great marriage and was married to a wonderful man.  I’ve been able to experience true love.  There are lots of people who can’t say that.  I have enough wonderful memories to hopefully last a lifetime.

John’s illness has taught me to stand up for what is right and to fight for those you love and to pick up the pieces and carry on.  The Mary of years past, wouldn’t have stood up to the well known and credentialed doctor and told him that we weren’t done fighting and if he was, then he could be forever referred to by name as “the doctor that gave up on daddy and the doctor who let daddy die.”  The doctors and nurses have other patients and rooms to visit.  The patient has one life.  Sometimes you have to stand up for those you love and insist on the best treatment for your loved one.  In the end maybe the outcome isn’t the most important thing, but rather how you life the life you have and the memories that you leave.  We’ve all been born and we’ll all die… really it’s the parts in the middle that we need to really make count!

John’s death has left me with a hole in my heart- grief, heartache, and loneliness like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.  But, I’m getting through it… not over it, but through it.  Some days are like walking through a nice grassy meadow with the sun warmly shining.  Others are like fighting my way through thick mud and slipping, sliding, falling, and getting up and pushing on.  The sun rises.  The sun sets.  Life goes on.  If I choose to live life or not, it still continues- better to enjoy it while I can.  Nathaniel, the horses, and the cats have kept me going.  They all need me and they all love me.  I’m working or re-building my life.  It won’t ever be the same or the happy home and strong fortress that it was with the three of us, but we’re making it.  It’s not always easy, it’s not always pretty, and it certainly isn’t always clean, but we’re making it…. one day at a time.  Life goes on.  We never know how short or long our life will be.  To me it only makes sense to enjoy it to it’s fullest and be happy as best you can.

For some reason, John’s death has chilled me out more and I don’t usually get upset over the little stuff.  In the end, the little things don’t matter.  It’s the big picture.  I just want to relax and enjoy simple pleasures- hug my kid, ride my horses, take a walk, pet the critters, and just enjoy life.  I’m very fortunate that I can do all of those things without even leaving Leaky Creek!  I love my farm, my house, my horses, my cats, and my son.  I truly feel like there is something else out there beyond our realm.  I do think that John has given me signs.  It’s reassuring and gives me an inner peace that I need.  Attending church has been helpful.  I used to fear dying terribly.  After I held John’s hand as he died, my fear left.  Someday, I’m sure we’ll be together again… as long as he doesn’t hook up with some hot angel in the meantime…

Annapolis Fire Department.  They were absolutely amazing during John’s illness and they (along with Community Fire Company of Rising Sun) made his funeral a fitting tribute to a wonderful man and amazing firefighter.  AFD did so many wonderful things that I know I can’t mention all of them.  They covered John’s shifts, so he received full pay.  They allowed him to retire on disability.  They came to visit him in the hospital and were there for his 2nd round of IL2 treatments at 6 AM & 10 PM.  They transformed our half bath into full bath with a shower that John could use.  Sometimes when you’re sick… the ability to get clean just means so much.  Sadly, John was only able to use his shower a few times, but it was very much appreciated!    AFD built a ramp, so we could get the wheelchair in and out easily.  They mowed our grass and did assorted maintenance jobs.  They went with us to many doctor’s visits so I didn’t have to worry about driving on little sleep or in unpredictable traffic.  They sent meals.  They held a fundraiser in Annapolis.  They participated in Team Smitty for the LiveStrong Challenge.  In, short, they took care of their brother.  John truly worked for a topnotch organization.  He loved working there and they loved him, too.  I miss them.

I’m thankful to the wonderful medical personnel that we encountered… from the friendly, familiar faces on the ambulance, to the caring hospital nurses, to our beloved home health nurses, and every smiling caring face in between.

I am thankful to the friends and family who have supported us and were there for John, Nathaniel, and myself.  During times of crisis, you find out who your true friends are.  Sometimes they are who you think they are… sometimes they’re different people.  I  have been very fortunate that no matter how alone I feel, I am not without friends to support me.  Some friendships have strengthened and I’ve even found new friends.  A simple phone call can make all the difference in the world.  Many people have also helped me out with everything from mowing grass, to checking car brakes, to babysitting, to installing ceiling fans, to watching Nathaniel while I got some equine therapy… and just being there when I needed to talk, needed a hug, or needed a shoulder to cry on.  This Thanksgiving, I’ve received so many invitations- thanks to everybody who thought about my boy and me and knew that we might not have a place to go.

I also have the world’s best babysitter.  I can’t tell you how amazing she has been with my son and how much I enjoy and value her friendship.  We’ve known each other since elementary school, but had lost touch through the years.  Facebook re-united us and I consider her to be one of my best friends, now.  We share conversations, hugs, and tears.  There is nothing like having the piece of mind that my son is being cared for as if her were part of her family.  Nathaniel helped carve his first pumpkin and made his first art project with them.  Her daughter is like a sister to him.  Nathaniel adores her husband and I think it is important for Nathaniel to  have a good male role model in his life.  I can go to work and have no concerns and no worries… to quote the credit card commercials.. “Peace of mind– priceless.”   I know John would approve.

I also hope that I can do some things in memory of John to help fight melanoma and fight cancer.  I don’t want his death to be in vain.  Skin cancer can kill.  We need more melanoma awareness and much, much more research.  I’d love to do a memorial bike ride, since he loved to cycle.

So, even in what has been the worst year in my 34 year life, there are things to be thankful for.  Happy Thanksgiving everybody.  Hug your spouse.  Hug your kid(s).  Pet the critters.  Eat up and watch some football.  And if you get a chance before the food coma sets in take at least a brief moment to remember what you’re thankful for.

So when my parents where visiting me (Oh! Those golden days…Please come back…), we ran into this discussion.

“I can’t imagine how can anyone work in the same company, doing the same thing for 25 years”, I questioned my dad. My dad works for a bank. Like every other banker, he joined the bank as a clerk and made his way up.

“Well, though it’s the same bank, it’s not exactly the same thing I do, You know I work at different places and in different roles.”

“Oh.Cmon. How different could it be?”

“Well, how different are you?”, My dad questioned back.

“$!@$%&*”. I am still trying to figure out what he meant.

“You might be working for different companies, but you do the same kind of work too. Don’t you?”, he elaborated.

“No I don’t.” , was my answer. Or may be I do. Yeah I do. No matter what domain it is, I am still writing code, I am still testing it. Oh Gosh! Are we all doing the same thing? Did I just waste 5 years of my life doing the same thing?

You see, this happened around 6 months ago. I had given that quite a thought. All my life, I had never really concentrated on anything apart from my education and my career. Now that I have lesser number of things to worry about (of course more complicated), I don’t see whats stopping me from learning anything new, doing all the things I have always wanted to do and many more.

And enter, Life-is-too-short-to-be-doing-the-same-thing philosophy. I had decided that I was going to spend every six months learning some thing new. Six months. Enough time to be learning anything new and not too long time to be spending on one activity.

Hey and yessss, I finished my first six months and here is the result.

One of the socks for Cuteee Sria….

A blanket for a friend’s baby.

The other results of my new hobby, a scarf for a dearest friend (Wear it, Otherwise I am going to kill you), a scarf for my mother-in-law (Please, wear it), a pair of socks and a hat for Sria (Please Sria, I beg you, Please Please wear it).

Hey, Mind you. I had no idea on how to knit before. Whom to thank? Dont know yet? Google and Youtube, my friends.

And What I am doing now? Reading auto-biographies. Move on you murder, sci-fi fictions; Here comes “Einstein – A Life In Science”. A life well spent in science, I would say.

I am glad my dad got me thinking into this. Dad’s rock. Dont they?

I don’t know about you, but I find it very very depressing that I can’t find the Δ symbol on Microsoft Word, so I have to come all the way  to wordpress to copy/paste it over. >_> Same for the degree symbol. Seriously, Word, get better symbol shortcuts!

This lab is giving me so much grief, but after redoing it 4 times (can I cry yet?) I finally managed to get the answer to 70.1 kJ/mol… which is reasonably close to 91.7 kJ/mol. Hurrah!
But I still have to type the whole thing up. T_T Even though I wrote out a good copy by hand. Typing all these numbers and symbols is torture.

That’s just the chem lab. The test is Friday.
And tomorrow, I also have a math test and a quantum physics test…
neither of which I’m prepared for at all.

Meanwhile, Kevin started weaving yarn on a cardboard loom. What?!
Yesterday he broke a thread and started crying because he thought he’d have to start all over again… and that’s when my father finally got annoyed. “Stop crying and be a man!”
I’m still not sure whether he was referring to the weaving or the crying. O_o;;

So it was time to watch a movie. 2012. We were going to see how the end of the world was coming. After getting lost on the very-well-known streets (Yes, with car GPS and a blackberry, we frequently get lost), we reached the theatre almost on time. Now saying that, we caught a close glimpse of how the world is going to end, meaning that we were sitting very close to the screen.

The movie is based on information from ancient history that the world is coming to an end.Dec 21st, 2012 is the actual day. When the mother nature takes every dangerous form to extinct the human species, all the governments in the world are building huge ships to keep the humans from extinction. As per the movie, if the governments already had good scientific evidence about the doomsday, then why wouldn’t they be doing better things to save the man kind? why only build few ships (some where in China near the Himalayas) and sell the tickets to the filthy rich?

Movie wasn’t bad; Though it wasn’t the best of the end-of-world series movies either. Special effects were good for the most part and the car chase scene (chased by nature) was very unrealistic. Anybody would agree to that.  Also the climax of the movie wasn’t any good. Imagine John Cusack and his son doing something (not sure what) to get these big doors of the ships closed. What are the chances?  But, if the world was really ending, anything could happen. So we could let this one thing go.

Unfortunately, my friends had to miss watching the climax of the movie as they remembered that they had invited friends over for dinner. Oh my! I hope neither my friends nor those invitees never read this post; never ever.

If you haven’t already watched this movie, if you haven’t missed much. Besides, you might be catching a first hand shot on the D-Day.

Dream of now
Dream of then
Dream of a love song
That might have been

And do I love you?
Oh, yes, I love you.
And will I tell you?
Ah, no.

I’m not sure who that was directed at. Possibly no one. Possibly you.
It might be easier to figure that out if SOMEONE would just tell me already. >_<

On another note, no, my life hasn’t been getting any better. Still senseless.
Dueck’s been helpful, I suppose. He caught me walking away from his classroom this morning with a rather tearstreaked face, and he insisted I spill. So I did. And he’s provided me with some logical insight on it… stuff I always knew, but I guess it was just better to hear it from someone who knew what he was talking about.
I don’t WANT to “get over it”, though. I keep thinking… maybe if I complain enough, they’ll let me go to Ottawa after all.

I’ve realized how much propaganda has been instilled in me.
We were watching a documentary in History about the Chinese Communist Revolution, and that’s when I discovered that a lot of the stuff I’ve been brought up to inherently believe as true is actually propaganda. I honestly didn’t understand why people made fun of Mao or made negative comments about him. I used to feel insulted when people compared him to Stalin and called him a dictator. I guess it was my parents’ doing. After all, they were born during the Cultural Revolution and my grandmother actually studied all of her degrees in the USSR. I don’t think it’s bad that I feel a nationalistic pride, but… I just never realized how much of that is… just propaganda.
And you Taiwanese kids… you’ve been believing lies, too. Maybe not all of you, but certainly those of you who are high and mighty and think you’re so much better than us mainlanders. >_> Mao isn’t as great as he was built up to be, and neither was Chiang. Gosh, he was so corrupt! I get the feeling that we should ALL be so ashamed of ourselves… ALL of us. Well, at least this explains why Taiwanese immigrants are often rich. :\

Some of the tests this week got postponed; thank goodness. But I’m still not ready. Seriously. Quantum physics? T_T I didn’t study at all last week during Music Man, and as a result, I have two days to learn all this quantum stuff. Same for math. Trigonometry I can do, but sin/cos/tan/arccos/arctan/cot/cis… CIS?! What is that?! ARGH. I never properly figured out the angle identities.
I’m also behind on a bunch of chem and physics labs…
Which I should get crackin’ on right now. T_T
Bye.

I’ve always prided myself on doing what is right; I haven’t always succeeded, I can admit that to myself. As I’ve grown older, I’ve been trapped in this feeling that I can somehow manuever the various, disparate details and actually create an outcome—my life becoming a mathematical equation where if a, then b will equal c. If I’m kind and loving than I will find someone who is kind and loving to me. If I do well at my job and am a good employee, I will succeed.

Even I understand my belief—a belief that doesn’t take into account or perhaps willfully ignores that life is, often, random and uncontrollable—is childish and unsophisticated. I can’t, it would seem, just let it go, however. Why am I the owner of such grief when I’ve done my best to be a good person? Why are people who are selfish and mean-spirited thriving?

I am solely financially responsible for myself and my three-year-old little girl because O. was fired from his job in July and hasn’t found work. My parents help me, but I can’t bear to take anything from them other than what I absolutely need to; they’ve done so much for me already. O.’s parents are worthless, and I don’t say that lightly because I believe in being generous with my feelings when I can.

The truth is, I’ve given O. and his family the benefit of the doubt for more years than I care to think about right now. Be generous, give of yourself, it’ll come back to you. For this effort, I’ve gotten little in return outside of heartache and excuses for behavior that’s inexcusable. You rise above and good things will come.

But good things haven’t been coming, and I know I’m not owed anything. Much of what is going on right now is my own doing, and I am angry at myself for not taking better care of my own feelings.

“I just want O. to have a good life,” I once told my best friend. “And I want the same thing for you,” she responded, saying, without really saying—you can do better; you deserve more.

More and more these days, once Sabine is safely in bed, I sit on my couch and stare, wondering how I’m ever going to get somewhere good again. All I see when I look ahead is more struggle, more heartache, more excuses. And I’m tired, just plumb exhausted, but I don’t know how to just let go and accept that O. is never going to be dependable, probably never going to have much to offer beyond the predictable disappointment.

I need to clear the rubble. I need to start from scratch. I need to stop the anger and bitterness from creeping up from my toes and grabbing my heart in a strangle hold. I need to let myself take care of myself, adjust my own expectation of myself and the world. I need to move forward, shuffle off, as best I can, the burdens that are no longer mine to bear.

I am really sick of all this bad news.

First thing in the morning, I went to speak to Mr. Smith… and essentially, I can’t go to Ottawa. Nope. It’s because I have three IB exams that week. I’m still trying to figure out how to accept the fact that I’m not going. This was the biggest thing that happened to me all year… and I guess I’ll have to go let Michelle Pham know sometime in the next few days, too. Sigh. On the bright side, at least I get to be the first person to congratulate her?

And of course, because of Music Man last week, I completely forgot about schoolwork. I have five tests this week… and my TOK essay, TOK oral, EE, Korean War timeline, and… one other thing that I can’t even remember… are all due next week.

Then, of course, there’s the Christmas banquet. People are all upset about tables, so we need to figure something out about fixing it. Huge headache for about two hours. I THINK it’s been worked out now, finally.

Finally, there’s that thing that I did that I mentioned yesterday.
I still don’t know what the results are, but I wish you’d just tell me already. If it’s more bad news, at least then I’d have something to properly cry over.

Thanks to Gracia and Melissa who noticed that something seemed “off” and asked me about it. I appreciate that you cared.
This is just another one of those days when I wish I were a bit more fragile. I wish I COULD cry. But instead, Dueck gave us a task, and immediately, my “let’s get this done” side took charge and I started giving commands again. Is it conceited of me to say I’m a bit too emotionally strong?

It certainly has been a long time since either of us have written anything. Right now, we’re on break from school for Thanksgiving. It has been such a nice time for me so far. I absolutely LOVE coming home – it’s a place where I laugh a ton, feel like myself, and enjoy quality time with the people I love.

This break has done wonders for me, and I’ve only been home for a couple days! Since I am not working on anything school-related at this point, I have a lot of time to think. I also have a lot of time to read. I’ve been reading a great book that I’m almost finished with already. I can get more into that in another post though. Mainly what I wanted to say is that I am so thankful for this break. Yes, it is incredibly nice that I don’t have to go to any classes, but the real reason is because I am truly relaxed. It is a time where I can recuperate and get my mind straightened out. It is a time where I realize there is a lot more to life than school and my own little “bubble.” I am learning a lot about myself and about those closest to me.

This was just sort of an introductory post. I plan on writing again this week…after I’ve thought some more!

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!

Blessings,
JLB