Ok, I’ve seen and visited my fair share of private housing and condos. Most of the private apartment facilities are really almost the same, with the usual tennis courts, swimming pool, gym and bbq pits. But the Icon Condo at Tanjong Pagar, has now earned my thumbs-up vote for the most exclusive and classy condo I’ve ever seen. Its the first condo which I find myself salivating on, and wishing that someday, I COULD LIVE HERE!

I was there with my colleagues for a office year-end BBQ party last week. One of my colleagues’ friends stayed there, and someone thought it would be great to have the party there lor. I had not thought much about it at first, cos all condos are not that much different one mah. Then as I was the organiser of the BBQ function, I had to go there earlier to sort of recce the place and of course, set up the fire first lah.

Woah man, the moment I stepped into the entrance, we were all impressed. This was the first time I saw ESCALATORS in a condo building. When we took the escalator to the next floor, we were greeted by a posh looking lobby with paintings all over and soft lighting. Next came the lifts, which we realised to our astonishment, is fully damned air-conditioned. There is even a tv in every freaking lift, showing CNA news.

The fully-sheltered BBQ pits are on the 7th floor, and while they were not much to shout about, ours were located right next to the pool. It was really poolside BBQ-ing lor. They even had rattan couches with comfy cushions littered around the pool, for one to laze around with a book or glass of juice. And the pool toilets? Fully air-conditioned as well (what else?) and their doors were the automatic kind. Like those at the Paragon shopping mall, where the doors are activated by a press of the button.

But what takes the cake, is the condo’s entire open-aired 31st floor. You’ve really got to see it to believe me and get what I experienced. The whole floor is some sort of their chill-out area. Besides having posh cushions and sofas located all along the floor, they still have jacuzzi pools on the same floor. I know almost every condo has jacuzzi pools, but what’s great was that they even had hot tubs! And machiam like the the onsen in Japan! And there’s these 2 hanging pavilions with sofa seats, which is kind of suspended above water, and rocks like a boat when the wind gets strong. Very good place to just sit and chat with friends. So what we did was, we brought wine and drinks to the 31st floor after our BBQ, and just spent the time enjoying the jacuzzi, the strong breeze, and comfortable sofas. Oh man, none of us wanted to go home leh. It was just pure luxury lor.

I know its hard to imagine all this without photos. Try visiting this website where they are putting up units there for sale and rent. Wah lau, they are charging like at least $3000 for one month’s rent lor. 要命啊!

It's that time again...

1. Go camping at least six times this year.

2. Get a 4.0 gpa this year.

3. Volunteer more often, whether it be at community radio, the library, or Habitat for Humanity. Preferably all three, or some other combination of the above.

4. Finish my card game to a point where I can pitch and present it to various interested companies, people, organizations, etc.

5. Finish three plays and submit them to New Play Project.

6. Get published in something more prestigious than the Daily Universe – twice! This means two different publications, not two articles in one publication.

7. Learn Tai Chi and establish a daily yoga practice.

8. Be at a healthy BMI of 24.

9. Attend the following: A Jewish passover/seder, a Catholic mass, a Protestant bible study, a Buddhist meditation session, a Hindu festival, an LDS conference, an anime convention, a farmer’s market, a book reading, a museum exhibit, a live show (music), a live show (theatre), a live show (dance).

10. Set up free English classes for minority immigrants in the Seattle area, possibly working with LDS missionaries.

Well, the solar calendar New Year is almost upon us (while officially recognizing the lunar one, I will still celebrate the solar one if only to fit in with the rest of the crowd), which means it’s time to dust off the resolutions for 2009 and see how I did. Admittedly, I thought I was off to a good start in the beginning of this year because while my blog was still on Blogspot, I placed them up on the sidebar as a reminder for me (as well as publicly humiliating myself for additional motivation). Unfortunately, we left Blogspot in may, and I never reposted them on this blog’s sidebar. A shame.

In fact, I thought this WordPress blog was at least a year old – alas! I was wrong. So I dug up my old Blogpost resolutions and have done a quick post-game analysis on the past year. My answers, I’ve decided, will be brutally honest, even if it sucks. The New Year should be about shedding old baggage so that the new baggage for the next year won’t destroy you completely – only partially. And a lot of these post-game analyses are…well, complicated. This year I  hyped up for myself because it was the Year of the Ox – my year. But this year, rather than being prosperous and full of awesome, was more tumultuous and exhausting. Each resolution is followed first with the numbers (what everyone really wants to know) and the excruciating in-depth analysis that follows:

1. Go overnight camping at least 12 times this year.
Current total: 0

This resolution was supposed to revitalize my love for the outdoors, which resembles more the smoldering embers of a dying flame rather than the raging bonfire I wish it was. Camping this year was a bust. However, lest anyone think I didn’t do anything outdoors, this simply is not true. For a while, Dantzel and I tried to go hiking every weekend in the summer. This lasted no more than a month, but we did manage to find some true gems out in the Utah desert. Could we have done more? Yes. Do I regret not completing this resolution? Absolutely. Are there lessons I will take with me to the next year? Of course! First and foremost being finding people who are enthused about camping – when you and your wife have no friends who show anything more than lukewarm interest in going camping in the first place, it can be hard to feel motivated.

2. Watch two plays at the Shakespeare Festival in Cedar City, UT.
Current total: 2.

This resolution I can truthfully check off! We went this year with our friends David and Tiffany, watching two plays – As You Like It, and A Comedy of Errors. This proved to be one of the highlights of the year and I still look back on the event with fondness. One lesson learned from completion of this resolution: Plan ahead to accomplish your goals. My wife and I prepared for months in advance just to make sure this one dream could become a reality.

Now that we will live in Seattle this year, I would love to go back but realistically, that probably isn’t possible.

3. Help Dantzel graduate by the end of the year.
Current status: Complete.

This was a struggle. My wife graduated all right, kicking and screaming along the way. However, her graduation opened up new doors for us, and so it was worth it driving her down to class everyday and staying in the car waiting so that I could pick her up right away and go straight home (she hated campus near the end and it was all I could do to just convince her to keep going to class).

4. Get published in something more prestigious than the Daily Universe.
Current status: Maybe.

I figured this resolution would work as a catch-all for writing, since getting published is the general end-goal of writing.

This is a maybe. While I never got published in any publication this year, I did actually accomplish a goal that I didn’t think would happen for a while – I wrote as a living. My friend inspired me to go out on a limb, and I did actually do several projects/jobs writing as a living. Unfortunately, the Great Recession hit, and most of those jobs dried up. While I edited translated documents for another company, those jobs are few and sporadic.

Writing for a living was the greatest and hardest object lesson of my life. The life of a freelance writer is difficult and stressful. You must constantly look for the next project before the current one finishes, and competition is rough. In the end, my short-lived freelance writing career in Utah petered out as companies cut back spending. I had several job interviews as a technical or web content writer in the late-fall, but nothing came of it. In retrospect, it’s difficult to assess this period of my life because as a freelance writer, you could always be working. But if you’re always working, you end up burning yourself out or killing yourself. My blog has a long dearth of activity during one period of employment where I wrote web content for an SEO company. When you write close to 25-30 200 word blog entries a day about dieting or herpes, writing can actually stop being fun.

After the forced break from writing (curse you, Great Recession!), it’s become fun again, and I’ve been approached by several friends on writing for their publications (albeit, for free – still, a job is a job even if you’re not getting paid), so hopefully times are looking up.

While I never made a lot of money writing this year (just ask my wife), the experience I’ve gained is tremendous. You learn by doing, the saying goes, and writing as a job taught me a lot. I made a ton of mistakes, as most first-time writers most likely do, but I also feel a much better writer because of it, though my insecurity about my writing has skyrocketed through the roof – a side-ef

5. Be ready to graduate by the end of 2010 spring of 2011.
Current status: Uncontrollable laughter.

There’s an old Chinese story of a monk who traveled to a master to learn to become a master himself. Upon his arrival, he prostrated himself at the master’s feet and begged, “Teach me, so that I, too, may become a master.” The master remained unmoved by the monk’s pleadings and said nothing. Every day, the monk returned to throw himself at the master’s feet and repeat his plea: “Teach me, so that I, too, may become a master.” Each time, the master simply said nothing. Finally, the monk sat down next to the master, angry at his silence and glared at the horizon. After several hours of this, the master opened his eyes, looked at the monk and said, “Now, you are ready to learn.”

Okay, I made that up, but it sounds legitimate, right? Schooling for me seems like that. At this point, it seems like academics will become a major part of my life, and if that’s true, then I will always be going to school. Sure, at some point, I will graduate with an undergraduate degree, but then I’ll just go back for my masters degree, then my doctorate, than post-doc work, and so on. In other words, it seems more productive to sit down and learn rather than continually worrying about at what point I will become a master as well.

6. Learn Tai Chi and more yoga.
Current status: Sort-of.

Tai Chi we did not learn, only because it’s difficult to find Tai Chi teachers in Utah. Not impossible, but difficult. We’re hoping in Seattle, it will be easier.

However, I can do a mean tree pose, though daily practice has never coalesced into reality. It remains a goal of mine.

7. Be at a healthy BMI of 22.
Current BMI: Don’t ask.

This is just a sad question. I don’t know about my BMI as I’m in a hotel room in Portland and have no access to my Wii Fit, but I’m sure it’s bad. Bad, bad, bad. I need to get better.

8. Figure out how to go to school and work at the same time without doing poorly in one area while prospering in another.
Current status: Meh.

This is the most difficult area in my life, and while I knew of this problem’s existence in the beginning of the year (as evidenced by me trying to tackle it with a resolution), the causes are only beginning to unravel. Life pre-mission is straight forward: school, work, mission, with very little overlap. I went to school. Then I worked for my mission. Then I went on my mission. But when you get back from your mission, suddenly, school, work, and church must all be handled at once, and I’ve never been good at it.

My zeal in life comes in sporadic bursts, and always from one subject to another. My wife is beginning to understand this and learns to deal with it. Without her, my life would certainly be anchorless; with her around, she can tell when my focus is waning and gently directs the flow of my productive energy into something else. We’re also beginning to learn that there is only one consistency when it comes to the productive side of my life – my love of constant learning. When whatever I’m working on ceases to challenge me, I become bored and move on. Thus, we’re trying to find a good career balance for me where I can turn my weaknesses into strengths, rather than trying to change them completely (which rarely ever works, I hear).

9. Learn enough Java, CSS, XML and PHP by the end of the year to be able to do some neat stuff with it.
Current Status: In progress.

I don’t know Java and PHP as I don’t possess the programming mind. I do possess the designing mind, and so scripting comes easily for me. Unfortunately, my designing energy relies heavily on visual sensory input, and without any graphics editing software, my project in overhauling my parents’ company’s website has stymied. I’m currently trying to find a way around this obstacle and pouring much of my creative energy into it.

10. Volunteer more often, preferably at the Habitat for Humanity or something akin to it.
Current Progress: Not as good as I would have liked.

I’ve never been a good volunteer of my time. I’ve compensated with material possessions, and this year is no different. This winter, my wife and I have donated a great deal of material possessions to food banks and places like Deseret Industries. But I didn’t volunteer much. I hope to change this in the coming year. I am planning on hopefully volunteering at libraries, as I love libraries. The only thing I love more than libraries is my life. And possibly food. Maybe.

Post-Game Analysis:

It’s never easy admitting mistakes made in the past, and this year is no different. Still, I want to continue onward and look forward to 2010. I’ve been secretive/vague about my moving to Seattle, mostly because my pride and ego simply can’t take the fact that I’m coming back home without a college degree. In essence, this year may end on what could be conceived as absolute failure – New Years Eve, I will officially arrive home without any paper saying I succeeded in college.

Like the prodigal son, I come broken, battered, bruised, and lacking any more excuses. Still, my parents come running to me and offer the robe and ring, though I do not deserve it. I’m content with living as a servant, earning back whatever trust and confidence I’ve surely lost in my peers and family. Still, while I castigate myself in shame, my friends have been incredibly supportive and have thus far spared the rod – which only invigorates me to truly deserving their love. The flood of support and love shown by my friends, family, and dear, sweet, patient wife has literally moved me to tears on more than one occasion. For reasons I cannot understand, they’re still there, wanting for me to succeed.

So poised at the cusp of 2010, I’m cautiously optimistic. Set back? Yes. Bruised pride and ego? Check. Humble circumstances? Yep. But I’m surrounded by the support of family and friends, with only potential in my path, and a burning desire to earn back the respect of those around me (though they assure me I’ve not lost it, I don’t believe it for one second). This year has been difficult and hard with many a lesson learned. Here’s hoping the next year will be less brutal, more educational, and certainly more fruitful and meaningful as this one.

I am currently re-reading Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I read all of the Harry Potter books for the first time only just after the final book was released (whenever that was). I had always heard people saying Harry Potter this and Harry Potter that, but I never got into it. Usually I stay away from whatever everybody is raving about because I don’t like to jump on any bandwagons. But one day I was very bored and wanted a book to read, so I picked up the first book in the series, and started reading it..and you know what? It wasn’t bad!

When I was young (at the age of 13 and under), I looooooved to read. I would read anything. And all the time. I read dozens of books in one week with no problem and was constantly at the library. Towards the end of junior high school/beginning of high school, I somehow lost that passion for books. I’m not sure why, but I think a part of the problem is that I could no longer find books that interested me.

I do like different kinds of books, but the ones that get me the most are the fantastical, magical, imaginative ones. I think they so remind me of those days when I had my nose stuck in a book. It’s for that reason that I grew to like the Harry Potter series. I’m by no means wearing Gryffindor underwear to bed or anything like that, but the books are a fun read, I must admit. I’ve been wanting to read more lately since I have more time, but I couldn’t find anything. I decided to start re-reading Harry Potter because I figured it would spark my reading fire a bit and give me some motivation. After I’m done with the series (again!), I’ll head over to the library and see what else I can find.

I recently sent out three tweets concerning our arrival into San Francisco as we move across the country to our new home in Seattle. They were ambiguous and very angry, and for good measure!

First of all, our MapQuest directions to our hotel simply stopped once it dumped us into San Francisco. Our hotel was The Opal (a very nice, classy hotel) on 1050 Van Ness, but the directions ceased to exist when we arrived on Mission. After an hour of wandering around (and some Mormon cussing), we finally found it, no help to our map. Every time I tried to turn, San Francisco would have two one-way streets in the exact opposite direction I wanted to go in a row, when it normally alternates. Streets would suddenly split and lurch this way and that, leaving us making a wrong turn and going in the complete opposite direction – which would then take us more time to get back as we navigate the ridiculous streets of downtown San Francisco.

Dear San Francisco: You suck.

about 21 hours ago from txt

When we finally got to our hotel, they told us to go park in a garage they have a deal with. We arrived at the doors of the garage at 12:36 am; they apparently close at 12:30 am. We circled around and came back to the hotel. They told us to try another 24 hour garage – which was the same garage that closed at 12:30 am. We circled about again, and finally ended up parking at least five blocks away at valet parking at 1:45 am after driving around aimlessly for a parking garage that wasn’t closed.

My wife grew up all her life in Utah, and if you want to know anything about Utah, it’s that the nightlife usually shuts down after 10 pm. She had heard so many stories about the “big cities” that never slept – and indeed, it seemed that way on the outside in San Francisco. People were walking back and forth with friends, tons of restaurants were still open. In fact, everything was still open – except for parking garages. My wife was sorely disappointed. It seemed illogical – that when visiting San Francisco, you basically had a curfew if you drove here.

After parking, we walked the 5+ blocks back to The Opal, carrying nothing (we were just too tired and frustrated to be walking past a bunch of homeless people with giant sacks of epic lootz on our backs) and finally went up to our room. We showered, and went to bed well after 2 am, even though we came into the city at around 11:30 pm.

Eff you, San Francisco. Eff you. We will NEVER come back again. #epicmove

about 20 hours ago from txt

Also, when we got back to our valet parking, we got our car with our stuff back – almost. My iPod Shuffle was missing. Thanks, San Francisco.

The next morning while driving out, we passed over the bay and I realized that a lot of different things culminated into the horrible night we suffered. In the end, the whole thing was almost comically funny, if it hadn’t happened to me just the night before. The experience would certainly work as fodder for future stories and writing, and it was really a bunch of peoples’ faults – MapQuest for preventing us in getting to our hotel in time, the parking garages of San Francisco for deciding to close relatively early in the night, the urban planners of San Francisco for designing streets while smashed. Just alone, they would act as minor inconveniences, but when combined, they made me so angry that when a grungy old man on a bike ran a red light just as I was about to cross the intersection, I was very seriously tempted to accelerate and hit him.

Goodbye, San Francisco. You made life wretchedly hard for us, but hopefully no hard feelings. #epicmove

about 12 hours ago from txt

It’s no surprise that I’m a late bloomer. I discovered a lot of things later in life, things that were in front of me but I never really noticed like curse words, coffee, moisturizing lotion. But with neglect, comes the joy of discovery: World of Warcraft. I’ve been spending a lot of time killing Kobold Vermin. And with my awful luck, reached level 5 in 2 days, which leads me to the obvious–that I need a better strategy.

We took our staycation on a mini road trip to the Indian Springs Resort in Idaho Springs, CO this past weekend. According to their informational bulletin, the springs were traditionally (i.e. pre-goldrush) a neutral, shared resource of the Ute and Arapaho people along an otherwise divided property line. Then, 1860s and some gold rushin’, shanty town miners’ shacks and a series of upgrades to the ‘facilities’ which were first noticed by some steam rising up from the Earth.

Fortunately, the joint has not been overly amenitized (though they could stand to include a family changing room in the next go-round), the resort has an overall slightly funky, decrepit feel while being really lovely to relax into. A big and warm spring-fed pool is housed in a large greenhouse, resplendent with banana trees, palms and various other tropical plants. Also, bits of the fern-covered mountain were noticed to be peeking under the roof-very different flora from the other side of that plexi-glass.

Liam had a steamy, splashy, singing good time here, sharing toys with other babies and shrieking for ‘da-da’ everytime he swam up or over. He’s incredibly joyful and comfortable in the water; diving beneath, swimming around and (independently, this) wriggling his butt off the wall and jumping in to be caught underneath and brought back up. Amazing.

Then, the real treat, in my opinion, were the caves. Literally dug into the rock of the mountain’s base are a men and women’s tunnel, each with a series of spring fed pools with temperatures of 106-112. Everything was dripping and steaming, the floors covered in hot water and wet mountain underbelly to lay my hands upon. And for kitsch- the entry doors were very 80s porch doors.

Basically, it was awesome and I can’t wait to bring some visitors out that way (hint, hint Lizzie and Colleen!)

No photos from that adventure, but here is Liam doing some post holiday decorating, courtesy of Aunt Mac:

His stylist thought we said "porcupine". I don't know why.

Maybe you would like to try, too?

We are getting some wicked backdoor icicle manifestations.

Ah. And, lastly, today, we sought and found the volleyball court turned ice rink of my birthday dreams. Happy penultimate, penultimate night of the year (surely there is a single word for that?)!

I remember being a very young thing and wanting to be a singer. I think every child says that at some point in their little, undeveloped life, but I really meant it. At some point however, I got the message that singing wasn’t really that big of a deal, or that it’s definitely no priority, so I kind of let it go and developed mental blocks that told me that I wasn’t meant to be a singer and that I was no good.

Years ago, before I got into Youtube or vlogging, I would record myself talking or singing. Just doing normal little things. These videos were just for myself; to see what I looked like, or how I’d improved. When I would watch the videos of me singing, I remember noticing that I always seemed tense in those videos, as though I was trying to prove something. I would never just relax and have fun singing. I wanted to show myself that I was “good enough”.

Nowadays, there’s still a bit of anxiety when it comes to my singing, but at least now I’m not trying to prove anything. I’m just being myself, and singing what and how I feel, and more importantly having fun doing it! When I’m recording vlogs, I often have music on in the background and I’ll get distracted and just start singing (and being a doofus). This is a clip of that.

January:

♥I rang in the New Year at Mad Maggie’s, rocking out to the Smoking Popes.  It was a big deal because I had been dealing with a lot of pain and avoiding shows and bars because of it.  Lots of fun.

♥Also started off the year with my face on the cover of Elgin’s 2009 budget book, which made me a local celebrity of sorts.  T’was maybe a bad omen because of all the cuts that were made.

February:

♥I can’t really remember February.  Records show this is when I began my “Elgin Shopping Experiment” in an attempt to only spend money locally.

March:

♥My boyfriend (at the time) and I traveled to Washington DC and loved it.  I was lobbying at the Bike Summit and had an opportunity to meet with ten representatives or their staffers.  Great experience, but also solidified that I’m not interested in running for a national-level political office.

♥I canceled my birthday celebration because I wasn’t feeling well.

April:

♥I became an elected official in a local office–library trustee.  The experience was eye-opening.

♥I moved out of my 2-bedroom apartment in the North East Neighborhood into a 3-bedroom historic house in Gifford Park.  The house was actually cheaper than the apartment by $200/month because I moved in with a roommate.

May:

♥Threw a gigantic housewarming party at said house.  My brother and his friend played jazz.  People brought more gifts than I ever expected.  Worlds collided.  My parents and my (ex)boyfriend’s parents met each other for the first time.  City Council-types chatted up community college drop-outs.  I loved it.

June:

♥I took part in the World’s Largest Pie Fight.

(Photo by this guy.)

♥I had the unique experience of interviewing, hiring, and managing Elgin’s first Bike Ambassadors.   The BAs were two friends of mine so we had fun.  They spent the summer riding bikes around Elgin, encouraging others to do the same and spreading safety information.

♥Another unique experience/resume builder: I co-taught a Master’s-level college course, in the grad program I graduated from.  Being asked was an honor, and the extra money didn’t hurt either.    Topic was bike planning.  I have opted out of teaching it next year.

♥I went to the ER for the first time in my life.  With the weather warming up I had begun feeling better physically, and one night I stayed out until 3:30 am drinking beer with old friends.  The next day I woke up in great pain, and three days later a throbbing was starting in my chest and shooting down my arm.  Turned out to be nothing serious, but it hurt and was scary.  A definite reminder that I have to be careful with myself.

So Christmas has come and gone. I had a fairly good Christmas, although it started off a bit rough. I think that was mainly due to the fact that I had been so tired and stressed before. I got two of the things that I most wanted this year: a new camera and a Flip Mino HD camcorder. Very happy, I am! I haven’t really gotten the chance to test them out too much though, but the camera seems really nice. I got a Sony Cybershot DSC-W220. I have been really into taking pictures lately and so I am so happy to have gotten that. And I had an old camcorder (I don’t remember the name of it right now, and I’m too lazy to get up and find out), but it’s junk..so this one seems much better. And it’s soooo portable. I shot some boring video with it outside at night, and even though it’s really low light, it does its job! We love that! Of course my mom got those for me. (Thanks mom!)

Here are a couple of pictures that I took with the new camera:

My cousin’s artwork (it’s a Mosaic art thingy that I bought her for Xmas)

Mickey is too cute.

The last few days have been full of cooking and baking with occasional lulls to eat and trade morsels with neighbors, friends and family. So, when my I found myself in a lull and the cookie tin looked disturbingly so-

I knew it was time to take the macaroons recipe back out. Liam assisted me by taking a late afternoon siesta. Here is the product of my efforts:

The first delicious disaster I made of this recipe (from Feeding the Whole Family) last week was a great spin along the learning curve of cookieature. This second go-round, I was much more attentive to my wet/dry ratio and-voila!- found myself so pleased with the result that I painted the macaroons with chocolate. (So glad I learned to fashion a double boiler in college days-thank you Dr. A!)

Liam enjoyed these cookies as much as his parents and readily (finally) started making use of the sign for “more” in order to request them again and again.

Kace and I have been on a winter holiday tear of movie-watching (after a many month-long hiatus). It was Inglorious Basterds on Christmas Eve (hooray for that Tarantino fellow) and tonight, we aim to watch Duplicity. Lots of film catching up to do.

Cheerio! Tomorrow, we head into the hills to some hot springs, booya, etc.

Image by Rachel Bibby, used with a Creative Commons license

A lifetime of struggle has left me afraid to hope. My spiritual leaders simply don’t understand why I don’t believe them when they say I can decide not to be gay. I have been a Christian since the age of five, and until I was 26, thought my  same-sex attractions would not keep me from being married and having kids, and leading an almost normal life. But when the woman I carefully selected and proposed to rejected me, I was an easy prey for depression. Only months after she left my life for good, I lost my virginity…to a man I had met in a chatroom.

At first, what I had done shocked me, but then also my immediate reaction: prayer. A part of me didn’t want to run to God, and instead throw myself off a cliff. But prayer was too ingrained in me. That prayer saved my life. What followed was an exciting, excruciating process of discovery that hasn’t ended yet. Only minutes after that prayer, one of my best friends saw me with the young man, and I was unable to hide what we had done.

The next day, I was talking to the pastors about it, but no one else. I was a worship leader and the leader of a small group. I thought my action ripped my soul out of me. My entire life was now worthless. I though I ruined my ministry. The pastors were very gracious. They took away some of my privileges, but didn’t berate me. Instead they offered me hope.

When the mythical Pandora succumbed to temptation and opened the box that now bears her name, she released all kinds of demons before she managed to shut the lid. Inside, the last one left was hope. What was hope doing in a box of demons?

Maintaining hope, love and faith can be terribly painful. Even the Bible acknowledges this in Proverbs 12:13 “a hope deferred makes the heart sick.” In the Spanish Reina-Valera, the translators wrote it as: ”La esperanza que se demora es tormento del corazón”, a hope that is deferred is a torment of the heart.

In the seven years between that day and now, I have had sex with over 15 people. I don’t even remember all their names. One was a very close friend, another was a drunk I met randomly. Several I met in chatrooms. Others I met in gyms and saunas. Some I’ve met on the bus.

After all that, I realize that this isn’t what I want for the rest of my life. I would love to be normal and desire women, but I find that ever further from possibility and hope. In lieu of that, I at least trust God’s power to allow me to remain chaste. This blog is a place where I hope to talk to other Christians who are going through similar struggles, so we can share what God has done in our lives, and our faith and hope in his ability to keep us from falling and present us blameless before him. (Jude 1:24)

Prompted by a conversation this week with Patricia and Peter, I listened again to parts of our 10 December meeting, partly in order to find the moment where I ‘came awake’ (in what was later described as a doormouse-like way!). On the surface, my utterance seems to have been about people’s responses to my earlier request that we listen to one another reading the short biographies we had written before the meeting. Now I listen again, however, I also hear myself expressing my passion for hearing people talking about their life stories.

Anyway, I ended up transcribing the relevant passages, and I thought I might as well upload my transcription here, in case anyone finds it useful. If I have time, I will create some sound clips from the same session.

This recent move has subjected me to a most unusual experiment – instead of just packing up all of our things and muttering under my breath that we have too much stuff and I ought to just throw it all away and start over, my wife and I have carefully selected what matters most to us. The nature of the move means we can only bring what we can fit in our tiny Toyota Yaris, not known for its spacious cargo room.

To get an idea, give yourself this thought experiment – you can only bring what you can fit into a tiny starter car. This includes clothes, any cookware you want to bring, as well as books, games, the television, or what have you. What do you choose to bring? And what do your decisions say about you?

One of the more surprising decisions I’ve made involves ditching a great deal of my library for another kind of writing – my own personal records. There’s a folder with all of the newspaper articles I’ve written in high school; two notebooks filled with notes on the General Conferences, zone conferences, district meetings, and personal study sessions during my mission. On top of that lies a large, overstuffed manila envelope with every letter to the mission president I sent which he returned to me at the end of my mission. There’s a journal, a folder stuffed with notes for several board/card game ideas I’ve tinkered with over the years, several academic papers I’ve written for class I’m particularly fond of, a notebook with a bucket list I wrote after my mission, and a stack of folders stuffed with various notes – much of it consists of scraps of paper, perhaps a pamphlet folded in half with writing ideas scribbled in the margins, or conversations I’ve held with my wife during boring meetings. Not a few are sticky notes of names of songs I’ve heard. One is plastered with quotes by Roger Ebert blasting the new Star Wars trilogy, another with titles of books I’ve been meaning to read.

My wife handed me the stack of papers in the beginning of the move, asking me to sort it all out. Slowly, I began to categorize the scraps of papers, remembering ideas in the past, reminding myself of a book I wanted to read, or digesting once more a quote long-forgotten about Japanese tea ceremonies. When finding the bucket list I wrote after my mission, I noticed a project that I forgot about but remembered the zeal I once had for it – to compile all of my missionary notes, letters, journal entries, etc., compare them against the planners I collected along the mission, and then publish it in one large document for family records. That zeal returned, as I endeavored to decide whether I should re-type my old mission letters or scan them as PDFs – or both.

I found crumbling notebooks – one following the instructions of a creative writing class and filled with a conversation I overheard for each day, for example. My mind feverishly sought to restore them. I love the novels I’ve read over the years, but when deciding between a haphazard historical record of the interests and subjects I’ve studied to the books I’ve read, there’s no real decision. I suppose it’s great hubris to determine my writings – the frenzied, disjointed notes I’ve kept on a plethora of subjects – are worth more than the writings of The Greats in the past. But I can’t help it; the combination of my Mormon identity and the amateur history in me screamed out the equivalent of “This belongs in a museum!”

I really can’t explain it but I,
I hear the music when I look at you.
Orchestrating the song to accommodate the moment.
- Soundtrack For Our Movie, Mae

Lately, Amazon has been selling mp3 album downloads for around $5 (the recent sale says that for every $7.99+ album you buy, you get one of the $5 albums for free), which means I’ve been on a music buying frenzy. A lot of my music library is confined still to the compact disc format, and my music tastes have changed drastically from my high school years.

I’ve taken advantage of this opportunity to start building up my woefully lacking “coffee house” music, which my wife looks upon with relative indifference. Some of the music I’ve picked up (Ingrid Michaelson, Owl City) she’s embraced with enthusiasm, while others (Mirah, Rocking Horse Winner) not so much. Because her interest in keeping up with music has waned with age, I have open season on the music I’m snapping up. I’ve found I have a slightly curious way of deciding whether I want an album – while snacking on the samples available on Amazon, I close my eyes and see if it will match up with my anticipated next six months as a soundtrack – or if it would fit well with the sitcom that Quinton and I always talk about writing and producing someday (which explains the “coffee house” obsession; also, for what it’s worth, this is really how I choose my music).

At the moment, I’m poised to purchase Dreaming Through The Noise by Vienna Teng, Wind-Up Canary by Casey Dienel, Maybe I’m Dreaming by Owl City, Fireflies and Songs by Sara Groves, Taller Children by Elizabeth & The Catapult, and One Cell in the Sea by A Fine Frenzy. We’re still waiting for about $100 of Amazon credit to process, so there will be more music purchased. Oh yes, there will be more.

Which brings me to this thought. It’s been a fairly long time since I’ve bought music (I tend to buy music in maniacal bursts separated by years of disquieting silence and furious consumption of what I have). How do you buy music? What do you look for in what you purchase? And got any suggestions?

Our silent night…sounded like a dance party fueled by music that came into the world with our births and the maniacal laughter of daddy and baby playing increasingly precarious balance games…tasted like homemade pizza from our kitchen, truffles from a neighbor’s kitchen…smelled like tamales brought by another neighbor for breakfast, woodsmoke in the fireplace…looked like a crisp blue sky and sunset over the mountains on a land freshly covered in snow….and felt like home.

Happy Holidays!

So I didn’t Menu Plan this week. I totally forgot! It didn’t even cross my mind until Tuesday evening. I have had Christmas on the brain.

As I am writing this, it is 9:22 am. Mike and Nate are still sleeping, Scott is watching a show, I am drinking coffee and watching the rain waiting for it to turn to snow.

It has been an unusual couple of weeks. Wonderful but different. Last week, Mike was out of town and the kids both had pink eye/conjunctivitis (all I know, it was green pus, and it was gross, and it required $70 eye drops). Being true kids, Scott got it on Mon-Wed and Nate Wed-Fri, ensuring that we weren’t leaving the house all week. If your husband travels, you know how important leaving the house is during out of town times.

We are a leave the house kinda family and I am a gotta keep movin’ kinda girl. The first couple of days were rough. Wednesday night I must have shown it because I got a worried email after Mike and I’s (or me’s… grammar genes do not get passed down) nightly phone call. But then on Thursday morning, we all woke up and it was like we actually got used to being home. It was weird. We stayed in our pjs, I drank a lot of coffee, we painted, and played and cleaned together. We watched more TV than usual. At one point Nate was missing, I walked down the hall and his door was shut, I quietly opened it and he was sitting on his floor surrounded by books reading, I tip toed out and left him on his own. It was great. I know a big part of it was my attitude, I always come to the realization that my attitude is what was screwing things up, AFTER my attitude has changed. Kids smell fear and irritation and tiredness and I guess, peace and calm and love.

It made me realize, we don’t do it enough. This week, we have already had another shut in day, by choice, I think I am going to “take advantage” (just being positive) of the winter weather and have more of these days. It is kind of comfy. And despite my greatest fears, Scott is still just as smart as he was before the extra show or two. It also made me realize, what my heart brings into the house, directly effects (affects… again with the grammar), the hearts of my little stink bombs and I am sure the heart of my big stink bomb.

Merry Christmas Eve! I hope you have lots of comfy days over the break and I wish you a heart of peace and love.

Divide-n-Conquer

It’s that time of the year again – festive and holiday season ♥

Places and friends to visit. Gifts to buy. BBQ, food, and dine. Life becoming too busy and chaotic. In a good way

It was all fun! fun! fun! Often I become easily distracted, esp with money! By the time I realized it, it would be the end of January … when the credit card’s bill arrives :-0

I’ve found Divide-n-Conquer fits nicely for this purpose – tracking and analysis of your expenses.

Expenses at a glance

At first, I sat up my simple categories as:

• Gifts
• Liquor and snack
• Movies
• Lunch at work
• Coffee at work (this time of the year, I tend to go to have coffee very very often )
• Books

As I started to break each category down further, things become more and more interesting. For example, I divided “Movies” further into:

• Rental movies
• Cinema visiting
• Purchased movies

It’s good to see how much and where I spent at the most, in comparison to other similar items within the same main category.

Movie Expenses Break-Down

Liquor and Snacks are equally interesting and prove to become a candidate for long-term tracking sub-project. For example, I set up categories like this:

• Whiskey
• Wine
• Beer

You can further break them down into finer details, i.e.

• Whiskey
  • Dimple
  • Johnny Black

• Wine
  • Jacob Creek
  • Anny’s Lane
  • Pepper Jack

Drink Expenses

As you can see from the picture, after 2 weeks of tracking, it started to show the sign of my favourite drink.

All fun and game

Have a happy holiday.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Brown Man: im bad.

remember the gay dude i said that acts up way too much with all the drama- a person I have to deal with regularly?

then got his appendix removed?

i had hoped he would calm down after getting the ‘dix removed (giggle).

so he sends a “matter-of-factually” email today, and i rolled my eyes and say to myself “fag”

i can’t help the natural reaction! hope our kids are better raised

although my pops never called me a fag

oh no wait…he did

Fiancee: oh baby

Ah, three days drenched with sun have melted most of the last snow storm off the land. So that today, a new front could move in. Upon waking, I thought it seemed inordinately dark-I was expecting that extra minute of dawn sunshine. A long day of waiting and the flakes are just now beginning to fall as I expect they will continue to so for the next several days. A good bit of dry firewood is stacked (by the chimney with care, etc.) And, at last, I bought some good dark hot chocolate making supplies, so I am feeling ready.

I am really enjoying our mid winter break (by mid, I mean emotional rather than literally seasonal. dig?). Lots of yoga, cooking, giggling baby, some hiking and more meals with friends.

Tonight, I spearheaded a potato latke operation for the first time. I sorely missed my step mama’s meat grinder, but fortunately our super neighbor came for supper and donated her grater (I was debating using the zester). I knew she was the right one to call when she asked if she should bring up a jar of homemade apple sauce. Boo ya! That was my seasonal-gustatorial shout-out to the German blood in our veins.

Seasonal-Gustatorial Latke Shout-Outs

(This made ten good-sized latkes, 30 min of prep, 15 min of frying)

1 pound potato (they say starchy is best, russet or yellow-I had Yukon Gold on hand)

1/2 finely chopped sweet onion

an egg ( I used two, way too gloopy)

3 tbsp flour

salt and pepper

I peeled and grated the pappas into cold water (to prevent oxidation). In a seperate bowl, mix flour, s & p, flour. Pour off water from shredded potatoes. Good time to turn on your skillet full of some oil. Use cheesecloth or a clean kitchen towel to wring as much water as possible from the potatoes. Add these to dry mix and the onions, too. When the oil is hot*, mound latkes into pan, pressing flat with a fork. Allow to cook until underside is nicely browned, then flip. The pancakes can be kept in a warm (200 F) oven, preferably on wire racks, don’t stack ‘em if you like them crisp.

*The oil is ready to go when a small bit of batter dropped in browns in a bout a minute.

Serve with homemade apple sauce from your awesome neighbor.

New book: The Urban Homestead (!) We are going to have a community garden getting started on our big, sunny patch of communal lawn and I am very excited to grow things, eat them, preserve them and eat them later.

Finally, we watched Gran Torino last night. Pretty awesome. Between that and Middlesex (by J. Eugenides), I really want to visit Detroit and see what’s up. I heard a few years back that they are intentionally allowing the prairie to take over abandoned plots of land.