So I am in that limbo state of here and there. Tying up the millions of loose ends that must be done by 8am wed morning. I can not be upset with this fact. I am a procrastinator by nature. As much as I pay attention to details – I should be more on it with this moving thing. Well more so the packing part. Yet every single time I wait until the last minute. Some moves were by choice- while others were not.  No matter if it is a week or two months before I move, I still give away a lot of things away. Regardless  I feel my newest chapter is just around the bend.

and so
i’ve just come back
from two days down south
on the coast

battered by gusty winds
burnt by the sun
and kissed by the taste of freedom

it was just two days
but it felt like 2 weeks

it was what my soul needed
to escape the routine of everyday life
a life that at the moment
is just a daily reminder
of
how unhappy it is
and
how much of struggle it has become

it also gave me time to think
alot
which i did
alot
which in turn made me come
to a few realisations

1
if i continue on the
path that i have been on
i may just end up divorced

in the week prior to BikerMan and I going away
he asked me several times
why i was so unhappy
why i was so sad
and aside from the obvious answer
of
my inability to get knocked up
stay knocked up
and stop being an habitual aborter
(i just adore that term don’t you?)
i couldn’t give him an answer

that upset me

we had a row on our wedding anniversary
because yet again
i was sad
because my mind drifted
to what we don’t have
what we haven’t accomplished
we were don’t find ourselves

as we were falling asleep that night
BikerMan asked me
“why are you so sad”
with a big sigh
i replied
“i don’t know”
a single tear fell down my face
as he touched my back
and engulfed me in a hug

if only his hugs
dissolved sadness
i’d be so happy
i’d do cartwheels night and day

however they don’t

my sadness is palpable
i wake up each and every morning
get out of bed
and feel it wrap
itself around me
like a heavy wet coat

it weighes me down
as i go about my day
as i strive to
rise above my sadness
the sadness coat
brings me down faster than
i can rise up

my wanting
my longing
desire
to become a mother
and make
BikerMan a father
has taken over my very being

and yet at the same time the thought
of getting knocked up again
fills me with such dread
such hatred
that if i was to find myself
knocked up
i think i’d dissolve into tears

not that i’m likely to find myself
knocked up
because immaculate conception
isn’t real

i’m a shadow of the woman
BikerMan not only fell in love with
but has also known
even from 12 months ago
my ever changing
personality changes daily
when he wakes up he doesn’t know
which wife will greet him that day

my desire for sex is no longer
much to his dismay
the thought of sex
means pregnancy
is a possibility
and if pregnancy is a possibility
then miscarriage
is a given

i owe him more
i know i do
and it pains me that i can’t
move past
sex = pregnancy = miscarriage

i sometimes wonder why
BikerMan is still with me
why he stays

i can’t go on as i am now
i need to learn to be happy again

2.
i need to work out
what else is making my sadness
linger

it is simply not just a case
of not being able to
hold onto a pregnancy

i have a deeper sadness
within me
one which i think stems
from having a very
low self esteem
low opinion of myself
and from being teased
during late childhood, early teens

people say words don’t stick
but if enough of them are thrown at you
and you hear them often enough
they not only stick
but you start to believe them

i’ve always been bigger
when i moved to london
i lost weight
got some of my confidence back
and for the first time
in my life
attracted male attention
and not just BikerMans
then he and i met
we hooked up
got engaged

and i got fat

still am
in fact even more so

that needs to change
and so….

3.
i need to lose weight

i need to do this not just
to try and gain my
self esteem back
my confidence
my ability to like
no
love myself

but

also for my health

4.
i need a new life focus

for the past 10 years
my life
has been about
trying to get knocked up
(and then stay knocked up)

becoming a
mumma

now that dream has been
shattered
it’s time to move on

find a new obsession

i worry about waking up
at age 40
and having nothing really
worthwhile to show for my
40 years of life
on earth

i currently have a job
i want a career
or
at least a job
i love to do
not that i don’t love
my current job
because i do
but it’s not my passion

5.
(and most importantly)
i need to reignite
the spark
to get the flame under
BikerMan and i’s marriage
burning brightly and hotly
again

i know i’ve changed
during our marriage
alot

he has too

i harbour anger, sadness and bitterness
in my heart now
something that wasn’t there when we met

when he married me
my anger, sadness and bitterness
wasn’t part of the deal
and while
i know that variables do pop up
during relationships and marriages
i don’t think it’s fair that
he’s had to deal with my
moods for years

it’s time i let him
touch me
without the fear of
sex = pregnancy = miscarriage

the more i think about it
the more i come back to one
word to describe myself of late

asexual

it’s time to change that
i mean i’m 30 not 70!

it’s time to turn this life around

now all i gotta do is take that first step
liberating
but oh so daunting
all rolled into
one

1. INTRODUZIONE

Alla fine del 21esimo secolo l’umanità entrò nell’era del caos, che in pochi decenni portò alla completa estinzione del genere umano. Teologi e scienziati concordarono nell’affermare che la fine dell’uomo combaciava con qualche misterioso piano, sia questo divino, naturale o chimico. Non era certo importante determinare la vera entità di questa svolta (che chiamarono Curvatura di Involuzione), ma era fin troppo chiaro che gli eventi che si susseguirono in quegli anni avevano un unico fine: l’estinzione della razza umana.
Vi erano guerre, vi erano epidemie causate dalle guerre stesse (soprattutto quelle in cui venivano usate armi batteriologiche) e vi erano catastrofici eventi naturali dovuti agli sbalzi climatici avvenuti in tempi recenti. Vi erano insomma tutti i presupposti per il crollo della grande cultura egemone dell’uomo, ma a nessuno sarebbe saltato in mente di pensare ad una totale scomparsa del genere umano.
Questa avvenne a causa della perdita di fertilità. Nessuno riuscì mai a capire quale fu la causa di questo evento. Forse l’evoluzione di uno dei tanti virus sviluppati in laboratorio e fuoriusciti a causa dei bombardamenti delle guerre in corso, almeno secondo gli scienziati, mentre per i religiosi era fin troppo facile pensare a una punizione divina… continua…

SCOPRI CHE COS’É LIMBO

1. INTRODUZIONE

Alla fine del 21esimo secolo l’umanità entrò nell’era del caos, che in pochi decenni portò alla completa estinzione del genere umano. Teologi e scienziati concordarono nell’affermare che la fine dell’uomo combaciava con qualche misterioso piano, sia questo divino, naturale o chimico. Non era certo importante determinare la vera entità di questa svolta (che chiamarono Curvatura di Involuzione), ma era fin troppo chiaro che gli eventi che si susseguirono in quegli anni avevano un unico fine: l’estinzione della razza umana.
Vi erano guerre, vi erano epidemie causate dalle guerre stesse (soprattutto quelle in cui venivano usate armi batteriologiche) e vi erano catastrofici eventi naturali dovuti agli sbalzi climatici avvenuti in tempi recenti. Vi erano insomma tutti i presupposti per il crollo della grande cultura egemone dell’uomo, ma a nessuno sarebbe saltato in mente di pensare ad una totale scomparsa del genere umano.
Questa avvenne a causa della perdita di fertilità. Nessuno riuscì mai a capire quale fu la causa di questo evento. Forse l’evoluzione di uno dei tanti virus sviluppati in laboratorio e fuoriusciti a causa dei bombardamenti delle guerre in corso, almeno secondo gli scienziati, mentre per i religiosi era fin troppo facile pensare a una punizione divina… continua…

ok
sorry for being
missing in action
but
i had some time away

two days to be precise

it wasn’t long enough
but at the same time
the perfect amount of time

it gave me time to
think
away from the normal
daily routine
of life

it gave my soul time to breath
to really look at itself

and

say
“you’re not coping”
but
“its ok you can feel like you are”
“in time it will pass”

and i truly believe
and know that it will
but until then
the pain
and sadness is so
overwhelming

Sport er rare greier. For oss ikke-så-spesielt-interesserte blir idrett som oftest ignorert, inntil sportsnyhetene plutselig slår til med en nyhet som belyse andre problemstillinger i samfunnet enn de statistiske. Hvorvidt Norge ligger på medaljetoppen i neste OL er trolig ikke det mest presserende problemet vi har idag. Når skøytesporten da smeller til med å sparke landslagstreneren etter anklager om seksuell trakassering, frigjør det mye undertrykket sportsdebatt. For her er jo en sak som gjelder den norske moralske standard! Peter Mueller har ifølge nyhetsmedia trakassert opptil flere andre tidligere skøytetalenter. Og Maren Haugli fremstår mer og mer som et noe ufrivillig offerlam, og som et eksempel til etterfølgelse.

Det er en selvfølge for oss at seksuell trakassering ikke skal forekomme innen idretten. Det står i strid med idrettens verdier. Og Haugli fortjener offentlig oppløfting, å fremme påstander om seksuell trakassering innen mannsdominerte miljøer tar massivt mot. Men denne saken belyser en annen sak, noe vi ofte overser i vår glød etter å fremstå som en respektfull likestilt nasjon (vi med). Vi overser at Müller er amerikaner. Til tross for sine år i den norske idrettsnasjons tjeneste, er han fortsatt amerikaner. Og amerikanere banner. Det gjør de fleste, faktisk, kanskje bortsett fra indianerne og japanerne (sånn i utgangspunktet). Men amerikanere banner ordentlig stygt. Hvorfor kalle dette en “sak”? Svekker dette på noe vis Skøyteforbundets avgjørelse om å sparke landslagstreneren? Nei. For all del, seksuell trakassering kan ikke unnskyldes på noe vis. Men når obskønt språkbruk innen idretten (både på og utenfor banen) dukker opp i media slår det undertegnede at våre obskøniteter ikke er alles. Og at andres ikke er våre. Uten sammenligning med Hauglis opplevelser forøvrig er obskøn språkbruk i treningsøyemed ikke noe nytt. Amerikanske trenere, på profesjonelt- og skolenivå banner så det ljomer i tinnitusen. De må kanskje unnskylde seg offentlig om de kommer borti en mikrofon, men stort sett er dette en vanlig del av trening. Når da Rikke Jeppson kaster seg på trakasseringstoget og forteller at hun ble skjelt ut av Mueller, er det om enn trist, ubehagelig og beklagelig, ikke samme sak som Haugli fremmer. Det kan faktisk rett og slett være et eksempel på språklig kulturkræsj.

Ifølge språkhistoriker Geoffrey Hughes ( se f.eks. An Encyclopedia of Swearing) har banning i det engelske språket, spesifikt amerikansk gått gjennom et skifte fra at religiøse banneord (av typen “hell” og “damn”) har blitt på mange måter ufarliggjort, og hvor tabuet omkring bruken av kroppslig- og seksuelt relaterte obskøniteter, som “shit”, “mother-fucker”, “cocksucker” og ikke minst “cunt” og “fuck” etterhvert har blitt mindre. Den nye kategorien tabu er etnisk relaterte ord som “nigger”, “kike”, “wetback”, “towelhead” og lignende. Utropsord for fremtiden, detta.

Dette tilsier selvsagt ikke at vi må omfavne språkbruken til Mueller. At utøvere bryter sammen og føler seg respektløst behandlet kan ikke unnskyldes. Men det kan kanskje forklares. Hertillands banner vi nok fortsatt mest med Gud. “Faen”, “helvete”, “jævla” osv. Men du har nok hørt det komme forlengst. “Fitte”, “pikk”, og la oss ikke glemme den nordnorske favoritten “hæstkuk”. Når en setter sammen den i norsk sammenheng eksplosive kombinasjonen av amerikansk coaching-tradisjon og obskøniteter, da synes kulturforskjellene mellom USA og Norge plutselig store. Vi drukner daglig i amerikansk populærkultur, nesten til det punkt hvor vi ikke lenger ser andre forskjeller enn de politiske og kanskje religiøse. Hvordan kan vi ha så ulike sportslige og språklige tradisjoner?

Sport er rare greier. Plutselig setter Sportsrevyen fingeren på noe vi forlengst har glemt å tenke over. For samme hvor mange amerikansk fotball-lag vi får i Norge, vil idrettskulturen her forbli totalt ulik den i USA. Norge vil aldri vinne World Series i baseball. Og Drillo vil vel aldri kalle John Carew for en “homofitte”? Vil han?

abrir un blog.

enterrar una piedra.

abrir una botella de champán.

ir y venir.

crear una entrada.

A four-hour conversation with my recent past has made me nostalgic and has kept me thinking. I’ve gotten my closure just a few days after the break-up so that wasn’t the issue. He asked me if I was happy. I couldn’t say that I was a hundred percent happy just yet because as I’ve said, I’ve lost every kind of expectation I had earlier in this game. I really have.

Unti-unti na ata nawawala yung nararamdaman ko. O nagpapakamanhid lang nga ba? Hindi ko alam eh. Hindi na kasing kalakas ang nararamdaman ko ngayon kesa nung dati. Natatakot akong isipin na may posibilidad na mawala ito ng tuluyan. Hindi ko rin alam kung pano ko yun sasabihin o pano siya magrereact kapag nalaman na niya.

Honestly, I don’t want this to stop. But as the saying goes, “don’t make someone your priority if you are just an option”, I really ought to guard my heart. Tama nga naman.

Sometimes, whether we like it or not, the feeling lingers. Even though we know that it’s time to move on, the feeling stays. Other times, while we look for that feeling, it either isn’t there anymore or it just isn’t there. Maybe for you, it hasn’t come. For me, I feel like it’s about to go away. If I could stop it from leaving, I’d honestly ask it to stay. Maybe because I’m still hoping that yes, you’d ask me to stay.

I feel like I’m in limbo. Like I’m waiting for that final judgment. The feeling of wanting to leave and wanting to stay at the same time. I think I’m just waiting for you to say that you don’t want me to go anywhere.

Pienso mucho, hago poco.

Mylo contava le pause ed i margini che componevano la giornata. Le guardie Arenty non avevano più bisogno di tenerlo d’occhio. Solo nella tenda, attendeva il ritorno del maestro, dileguatosi al mattino insieme a Tawares, primo ministro dei Testimoni di Seidon. Aveva smesso di porsi domande. Gli avevano fatto rientrare il mal di testa e si era sentito uno sciocco. Uno strano senso di abbandono aveva preso il posto della frustrazione. Adesso non temeva più per la sua vita, per questo gli era più facile lasciarsi andare.
Si era invece concentrato sul crepitio, improvvisando parole e gesti legati a dei piccoli incantesimi di sua conoscenza. Aveva provato a smorzare il rumore, ad evocare il potere sottilmente, schermando, mutando, offuscando l’eco della magia, come aveva visto fare al suo maestro il giorno prima. Nella semi oscurità della tenda era stato cauto, ed era riuscito anche ad ottenere alcuni risultati positivi. Se qualcuno lo avesse sorpreso a manipolare la realtà si sarebbe cacciato nuovamente nei guai.
«Non passa giorno senza che tu riesca a sorprendermi.» La voce era quella di Rivier, ma il maestro fece il suo ingresso solo dopo aver terminato la frase. Mylo sobbalzò, nascose le mani impegnate in strani gesti e solo dopo essersi reso conto che la voce era quella del suo amico riuscì a riprendere fiato… continua…

Mylo contava le pause ed i margini che componevano la giornata. Le guardie Arenty non avevano più bisogno di tenerlo d’occhio. Solo nella tenda, attendeva il ritorno del maestro, dileguatosi al mattino insieme a Tawares, primo ministro dei Testimoni di Seidon. Aveva smesso di porsi domande. Gli avevano fatto rientrare il mal di testa e si era sentito uno sciocco. Uno strano senso di abbandono aveva preso il posto della frustrazione. Adesso non temeva più per la sua vita, per questo gli era più facile lasciarsi andare.
Si era invece concentrato sul crepitio, improvvisando parole e gesti legati a dei piccoli incantesimi di sua conoscenza. Aveva provato a smorzare il rumore, ad evocare il potere sottilmente, schermando, mutando, offuscando l’eco della magia, come aveva visto fare al suo maestro il giorno prima. Nella semi oscurità della tenda era stato cauto, ed era riuscito anche ad ottenere alcuni risultati positivi. Se qualcuno lo avesse sorpreso a manipolare la realtà si sarebbe cacciato nuovamente nei guai.

«Non passa giorno senza che tu riesca a sorprendermi.» La voce era quella di Rivier, ma il maestro fece il suo ingresso solo dopo aver terminato la frase. Mylo sobbalzò, nascose le mani impegnate in strani gesti e solo dopo essersi reso conto che la voce era quella del suo amico riuscì a riprendere fiato.
«Mi hai spaventato» ammise.
«Ti sei messo comodo, vedo…»
«Beh, ho pensato di esercitarmi un po’, visto come si sono messe le cose. Ho fatto attenzione.»
«Non ne dubito. Sei davvero bravo.»
Mylo distolse lo sguardo, imbarazzato dal complimento.
«Io riesco a sorprenderti? Invece tu!»
«Che vuoi dire?» La domanda di Rivier era divertita.
«Che cos’è questa storia con Tawares? Da quanto lo conosci?»
«Più o meno, da stamattina…» rispose il maestro strizzando l’occhio.
«Lo hai incantato? Come?»
«Ma quante domande, ragazzo. Mi stai facendo venir sete. È rimasta un po’ di quella birra?»
Rivier si riempì il boccale. La birra era ormai diventata un brodo insapore, ma la buttò giù con gusto, poi si pulì la bocca con la manica della tunica e riprese a parlare.
«Ieri notte gli ho mandato un sogno, un disegno abbastanza intricato e alquanto verosimile. Stamattina si è svegliato convinto di avere un grande amico di nome Rivier, compagno di avventure e uomo integerrimo, devoto naturalmente al divino Seidon. Quando ci è venuto incontro mi ha riconosciuto ed ha preteso che lo accompagnassi nella sua tenda. Forse sarebbe stata meglio la gogna. Non la finiva più di parlare… Perché non vai dalle guardie a chiedere di riempirti la brocca?»
Mylo scosse la testa e non rispose. Afferrò la caraffa ed uscì nel paesaggio vespertino del primo margine della notte. Le due guardie Arenty di sua conoscenza stavano in piedi davanti al fuoco. Li si avvicinò e chiese dell’altra birra. Quelli scattarono veloci per ubbidire all’ordine. Come potevano cambiare le cose con l’aiuto di un briciolo di magia, pensò Mylo mentre tornava verso la tenda con la brocca piena di birra schiumante. Per questo bisognava fare molta attenzione ad usarla. Era la prima regola del mago.
Rivier si era messo comodo. Aveva acceso la pipa e guardava fuori, attraverso uno spiraglio nella tenda. Seguiva la scia della cometa Clessidra che segnava il passaggio di quella ventottesima stagione. E stagione dopo stagione passavano i cicli di Limbo, tutti uguali eppure ognuno diverso dall’altro. Montagne, valli e fiumi nascevano dallo strappo del sole azzurro, e nello stesso tempo il sole rosso fagocitava le terre in abbondanza. Un cerchio perfetto, un meccanismo troppo preciso per non accreditarlo ad una divinità.

«Ecco la birra.» Mylo posò la caraffa sul tavolo accanto a Rivier. Il maestro se ne versò subito un boccale.
«Da non credersi, non ti pare?» domandò, bagnandosi le labbra.
«Che cosa?»
«La cometa. Precisa come un orologio.»
«Un orologio? E cosa sarebbe?»
«Lascia stare…» Rivier fece un gesto noncurante con la mano, poi proseguì.
«Il crepitio invece, di quello mi va di parlare. Sei stato bravo a smorzarlo con quella tecnica, ma potresti fare meglio…»
«Come?» Mylo si sporse in avanti, bramoso di conoscenza.
«Non devi pensarci. Devi lasciare che l´incantesimo ti scivoli via dalle mani e dalla bocca. È la tensione che provoca il crepitio. Quando l´incantesimo è complesso diventa pressoché impossibile farne a meno, ma con quelli più semplici ti puoi allenare.»
«Non devo pensarci? Ma se non ci penso non so più quello dico» obiettò Mylo.
«È come se cercassi di ingannare te stesso, come se ti mentissi. La migliore bugia è quella alla quale crede anche il bugiardo, non ti pare? Ricorda, usare la magia è un po’ come barare.»
Mylo rimase in silenzio, cercando di riordinare nella sua testa quelle nozioni. Il maestro si alzò dalla sedia nella quale era sprofondato e si sporse fuori dalla tenda, come per controllare che nessuno si trovasse nei paraggi. Quando rientrò il suo tono era cambiato e la sua voce era diventata poco più di un sussurro.
«Sembra che il nostro caro amico Tawares abbia voglia di mettere mano alle armi. Finalmente mi spiego questa adunanza nelle pianure.»
«Che cosa vuoi dire?» Anche Mylo aveva abbassato la voce.
«Sono diversi cicli che i Testimoni girano Limbo in lungo e in largo portando la parola di Seidon. In principio erano solo poche comunità, neanche armate, ma col tempo sono diventate delle vere e proprie guarnigioni. Si sono moltiplicate e organizzate, ma solo raramente si sono riunite come in questa occasione. Sembra che Tawares voglia sgominare una volta per tutte la Gilda di Nicon, e ha intenzione di usare ogni forza a sua disposizione per portare a termine l´impresa.»
«La Gilda di Nicon? Gli eretici?»
«Si. Conosco bene Nicon, e anche se non gli piaccio riconosco che è un uomo nobile. Ha le sue convinzioni ed io non desidero certo cambiargliele. Ma una cosa è certa; anche se Tawares potrà contare su un esercito molto più numeroso, non gli sarà facile sbaragliare la Gilda. Nicon è un ottimo mago, e con lui ce ne sono diversi capaci di manipolare la realtà.»
«E noi da che parte stiamo?» Mylo non fece niente per nascondere la sua confusione.
«Noi stiamo dalla nostra parte, Mylo. Tawares è un uomo pericoloso. I Testimoni di Seidon stanno espandendo troppo il loro credo e ciò non è un bene per l´equilibrio di Limbo. Ricorda, l´equilibrio è tutto. Se Nicon cadrà, le ideologie Arcon penderanno inesorabilmente verso la mitologia classica. Ogni forma di magia sarà bandita e chissà cosa succederà poi. Magari a Tawares gli verrà in mente di fare guerra allo stesso Guardiano di Mountoor…»
Il gigante della montagna sacra. Mylo ne aveva sentito parlare. La creatura più potente di Limbo, legata in qualche modo ai Misteri. Ma nella mitologia Arcon era visto come un demone dagli occhi di fuoco, per metà uomo e metà uccello. Il suo sguardo poteva pietrificarti e la sua voce portarti alla follia.
«Allora dobbiamo avvertire la Gilda» esordì il ragazzo, preda di un’improvvisa illuminazione.
«Esatto, ma temo che non riusciremo comunque ad evitare lo scontro. Gli uomini di Tawares tengono sotto controllo gli eretici. Sono accampati da qualche parte su queste piane, non ha voluto rivelarmi l’esatta posizione. Potrei usare un incantesimo per scoprire dove sono, ma farebbe troppo rumore. L’unica alternativa è quella di uscire dal campo, ma la cosa potrebbe insospettire lo stesso Tawares. D’altronde non credo ci resti altra possibilità. Se la Gilda viene attaccata di sorpresa, le sorti dello scontro potrebbero volgere a favore dei Testimoni.»
«Ma come facciamo ad allontanarci dal campo senza essere scoperti? I senza cuore non ci tengono più d’occhio, ma se ne stanno svegli tutta la notte, ed hanno sensi affilati, quelli!» A Mylo venne voglia d’imprecare, ma si trattenne.
«Non preoccuparti. Riuscirò a schermare le nostre immagini. Un trucchetto che non attirerà molta attenzione.» Rivier strizzò l’occhio al ragazzo. Era deciso. Quella notte sarebbero fuggiti.

FONTE: http://limbo2009.wordpress.com/

today
BikerMan asked me
why
i’m so angry all the time

why
i pick fault
with everything
and
everyone

last night
he asked me
why i’m so sad
and i couldn’t
give him an answer

today i thought about it
and still came up blank

this afternoon
i realised
i’m a horrible
person

i can’t remember the last time
i was happy

i hate who i’ve become
i hate how i treat people
i hate the cloud
that follows me everywhere
i hate my anger
i hate the chip on my shoulder
and the more i think about it
i hate myself and my life

i want to be happy again
i want to not be depressed all the time
i want to not cry several times a day
i want to not be anxious
i want for the sound of children
playing outside my front door
not to make me nervous, anxious and angry
i want to not think dark hateful shit
about myself
i want to stop wishing that i wasn’t here

i want to be fine with where i am in and with life

i want to not wake up each morning and think
‘fuck another day to get through’

i want….to just be ok
i’d be happy for that

Mylo contava le pause ed i margini che componevano la giornata. Le guardie Arenty non avevano più bisogno di tenerlo d’occhio. Solo nella tenda, attendeva il ritorno del maestro, dileguatosi al mattino insieme a Tawares, primo ministro dei Testimoni di Seidon. Aveva smesso di porsi domande. Gli avevano fatto rientrare il mal di testa e si era sentito uno sciocco. Uno strano senso di abbandono aveva preso il posto della frustrazione. Adesso non temeva più per la sua vita, per questo gli era più facile lasciarsi andare… continua…

from hellocherie @ flickr

At the beginning of October, I embarked on a somewhat laid back ‘change some things about my life before the new year’ adventure. I wanted to enter 2010 in a much better place than coming into 2009 saw me, and I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job so far, but a public gut check is never a bad thing, so here we go.

Goal #1; Focus on my health more acutely. Thanks to having been struck down with one helluvan ear infection which then took over my brain/body for about a month (I’m still battling it a bit, to be honest), I have certainly focused more on my health in the last month and half. I have been forced to take nights off from live music, been spending more time attempting sleep, having to eat better (chicken soup for the win, completely). Orange juice has been a diet constant. Through it all, I know I’m not ‘feeling’ better because of the lingering cold, but I’m still aware of how doing better things for my body is only going to be good for me in the end; it’ll eventually feel great!

Goal #2; Branch out musically. I have! I’ve moved from almost exclusively seeing shows at IOTA to checking out Galaxy Hut, the Kennedy Center, Jammin’ Java, coffee houses all over the city, and of course, the web. In the last month or so I’ve checked out amazing free style, falling in lust with DC-rapper Wale’s national debut “Attention Deficit”, gotten to dance the night away to a thumping bluegrass jam band, spent an entire afternoon surrounded by Joni Mitchell albums, and rediscovered my love for country western and opera. I’d say I’m on the right track.

Goal #3; Trim down what I own. I fail. With the move coming up, I keep saying “as I’m unpacking, I’ll go through everything” but that sort of defeats the propose of trimming things down so that moving is easier. Oy.

Goal #4; Win NaNoWriMo. I’m working on it for the next two weeks!

Goal #5; Lastly, I will get back to my roots. I have jumped back into the delicious world of campaign politics as if door knocking were my air. I volunteered on both the Christie and McDonnell campaigns and couldn’t get enough election coverage straight up until the last ballot was cast and the winners were announced. It feels wonderful. It feels like coming home. It’s the reason I came to DC 8 years ago and I’m so grateful to be involved again, I don’t plan on walking away this time! Oh yeah, and it helps that we won!

As for entering 2010 in a better place, I’d say I’m right on track. With a move into a new house I feel as if I’m physically coming out of a somewhat… for lack of a better word emo… state. Moving out of the basement, into the sunshine, if I want to be very poetic about it. This can only be a good thing. I’m taking off the kid gloves, taking trips to brand new places, taking more time to simply appreciate my friends & family, and really excited about having heat in my bedroom for the first time in a year… Yes, 2009 has been a year of transition, and I’ll be ending it with one more. I’m almost ready for the holiday season, folks. This list’s butt is mine to kick.

SHAQ AND SHAUNIE’S REALITY SHOW IN
LIMBO

The reality show filmed by
Shaquille and Shaunie O’Neal before
their marriage took a decisive turn
last week may find its way to at
least one network still willing to
give it a chance. A&E still
considering whether to purchase the
show filmed before last week’s turn
of events.

CHRIS BROWN HECKLED DURING NY
APPEARANCE

Chris Brown got an earful of
judgment from a woman during a
public promo appearance in New York
last week. Whe woman shouted ‘I
hope someone beats the f**king crap
out of you!’

DENZEL WATCHES SON’S FIRST COLLEGE
GAME

As Malcolm Washington suited up for
his first game with the University
of Pennsylvania basketball team
Friday night, his dad, Denzel, sat
three rows behind the bench
cheering him on.

LEBRON MAY SWITCH JERSEY NO. TO
HONOR JORDAN

He has worn #23 in honor of NBA
legend Michael Jordan since his
high school days, but now,
Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron
James says he and everyone else in
the NBA should give up the number
out of respect to His Airness.

Fugato ogni dubbio, venerdì si salta su un aereo, due, tre. Spero di essere ancora raffreddata e spargere fazzoletti e panico per ingannare il tempo.

Nel mentre, saluto e auguro tantecarecose a questa eterna fasa di limbo pre-partenza..

chepperò, non era poi così male .. pà-pà-pà-pà-pà-pà-pà

i want to
apologise
for my post yesterday

this week has been a dark one
for me
a very dark one
i’ve never felt as bad as
i currently do

if i had to verbalise it
i feel
like a lost soul
with no destination to head for
and no idea where she’s come from

heaps of people have told me
that when i feel like i currently do
to just put it down on the screen
and run with it
this is my blog
after all

and while yes
that may be correct
the last thing i want to do
is lose readers
and i’m afraid if i let the darkness
overtake my blog
as it is trying to do my life
then readers i will lose

so yes
you will see the occasional post
like i wrote yesterday
unfortunately
they simply must remain part of this blog
part of what this blog is

because you see

i didn’t get the happy ending

this infertile did not win the battle
nor the war

it is not all sweetness and light
rainbows and butterflies in my world

i do not have a growing belly
nor a nursery to plan
no grainy ultrasound pics to gaze at
no doppler to plant against my belly
trying to source a heartbeat that isn’t my own

my “long”* battle with infertility
did not give me relief
via a big fat fucking home pregnancy test
nor rising betas or a flickering heartbeat on the
ultrasound screen

i am very disappointed in myself
if i am to be totally honest here
because i so wanted this blog
to be as positive as it could be
i wanted it to focus on the life
BikerMan and i were to carve out for ourselves
childfree

i truly did
and i’m angry that it’s not
but
i also realise that in order for this blog
my blog
to end up being what i just described up there
the posts like yesterday
(and now this one today) simply
must be allowed to occur
they must be put into words
and be put out there for all to see

why?

well to put it really simply
this
what i’m living now
experiencing everyday
in my decision to quit ttc
is what life after deciding to stop
ttc is really like
sure you get the infertiles who
can move on relatively easy
or do they?
thats what we see
because thats what they show us
and yeah if i’m honest
i thought about bullshitting the lot of you
and saying
“hey look at us, we’re in love
and loving our childfree life
with no brats to tie us down
or hold us back”

but

i would have been bullshitting you
because it would have been an utter lie

instead i chose to be what i’ve always been
honest
and upfront about my feelings
and how i’m dealing and handling
or not handling as it may be
my feelings and trying to move on

if me being honest makes it easier for
just one person to admit
that hey perhaps they aren’t coping
with their decision
or their situation in life and the ttc journey
well i’m fucking glad

these things
struggling
battling the demons
and depression
and crying constantly need
to be addressed
they need to be admitted to the world
they need to be put out there

for too long infertility was swept
under the rug
not talked about
not discussed
people didn’t admit to
‘having it’
’suffering from it’

now however as it becomes more common
we discuss it
we write blogs about it
document our struggles
post pictures of our successes
we seek support from individuals
all over the world
who are battling the same thing
we start support groups
and offer virtual shoulders
give virtual hugs
and let others know they aren’t alone
in their struggle

however

as i started to look for
fellow bloggers who had chosen to
live childfree
give up ttc
i was shocked
and quite saddened by how few i found
i know there are more of us out there
but for some reason
we choose not to blog
or if we do
we try to focus on the good side of living childfree
(which i will admit there definitely is a good side)
rather than blog about our feelings and
trying to come to terms with living
without children
in a world that is very much
about children

there are of course exceptions to this rule
and some very good ones
who are honest
and open
and upfront about their feelings
and battles with their decision
and i love reading them
because it makes me feel
a little bit less of a freak
like what i’m feeling is perfectly normal

and i suppose that right there
is THE reason why i blog with honesty
and rawness at times
why i let my heart pour itself
out onto the screen
and spew word vomit at times
because if there is just one other person
out there in the
blogosphere
who is struggling to accept where they
find themselves in this journey
or is contemplating giving up
but are afraid of what they will feel in doing so
or has given up and is doubting what they are feeling

if they read my words
how i’m struggling
how i’m doubting myself
doubting BikerMans choice in wife
how some days i don’t feel like getting out of bed
other days just crying randomly all day
on some i just consume everything in sight
and they think
hey she’s feeling it too
so i’m not that much of a freak

well my words have done
what they were put onto the screen
to do

in helping me clear my head
my heart try to console itself
and my soul heal itself
they may also do the same for
someone else
a friend
a fellow blogger
or even a total stranger
it really doesn’t matter who
just someone

i have so many things to say
and yet none
all at the same time

a couple of people have
written some posts
that have made me want
to post what i’m thinking
and feeling too

elize and sharon
both wrote posts this week
that kind of related
to what i’ve been thinking
and trying to get out
of my head and onto the screen

they put it onto the screen
alot more eloquently
than i will though

sharon wrote something in her post
that jumped off the page at me
she wrote:-
“Its painful for me to read infertility blogs and postings about how if we try hard enough, try enough times, we will succeed. Its like saying I didn’t want it enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t give it my best shot.”

i used to think
that if we tried for long enough
eventually we’d get knocked up
and have one
that stuck

surely the odds were in our favour
try for something for x amount of years
and eventually you have to get
what you’ve been trying for
right?

uh well no
unfortunately the fertility gods
don’t work like that
because they are cruel
heartless bastards

being told that maybe
if i just have
“a break”
and some time with
bikerman
then come back and keep
ttc
in a year
does nothing to help me

in fact all it does is
make me feel like a failure
like if everyone else has
taken time out
time to regroup
and then came back in a couple of months time
and then got knocked up

i’ve done that
sucked at it
failed at it
so don’t tell me all i need is time
because i’ve fucking
taken time
and it did sweet fuck all for me

as you can see from my writing
i’m still very very angry

my anger does not just stem
from my infertility failings
it comes from general unhappiness

i’m not where i thought i would be
at this stage of my life
on the 18th bikerman and i
will have been married for 9 years
together for 10
and by now i thought
no expected
us to have at least one kid
perhaps two
and yet here we with
none
zip, zilch, zero

for 9 years of married life
all i have to show for it
is heartache
loss after loss
and one amazing husband

i’m afraid of what the future holds
i’m afraid of reaching 40 and
having no purpose in life
not a career person
not a mother
just a wife
will that be enough?
knowing me probably not
i want more of me than just being
“a good wife”
even thought thats a worthy thing to be

the following part of
elize’s post also jumped out at me
she wrote:-
“At this point in my life I really really really do not want to fall pregnant ever again, in fact I don’t even think I want children anymore. I just can’t see us with kids, at all, it now feels like an empty dream. I’m surprised how quickly I adjusted, where in the past I was so fearful to end up without children”

i wish i was right where she is
with her thinking
i want to be there
i want to be fine
with
never being pregnant again
i want to be fine
with
never seeing a heartbeat on a monitor
i want to be fine
with
never seeing my growing child on a grainy ultrasound picture
i want to be fine
with
not wondering if we’re having a boy or a girl
i want to be fine
with
never feeling my child kick in my stomach
i want to be fine
with
never experiencing childbirth

i thought i was there
i said we weren’t actively
ttc anymore
and we’re not
which means we’ve moved on
but my heart is back there
languishing on the ttc highway
trying to hitch a ride
with anyone that will stop
that will give it hope

i’ve tried to call my heart back
lure it off the highway
told it we’ll be fine
and we will
but it doesn’t listen to me
refuses to listen to me
it isn’t ready to give up yet
and to be honest
i don’t blame it

how do you give up on your dream
a dream i might add that i
NEVER
wanted until i met bikerman
i met him and decided i simply must
procreate with him
i simply had to
i loved him that much i wanted
mini hims
his love made me want to be a mother
so really it’s his fault

a friend said something to me the other day
that really made me stop and think
she asked how we were going
with the whole ttc thing
and i told her that we were no longer trying
and i told her how i worried i was about
coping, how it would affect “us” (bikerman and i)
and said
without missing a beat or a second

“you two have been married for 9 years
and you’ve come this far
been through everything you’ve been through
and all without having kids to keep you glued together
the reason why alot of people stay together
you’re in love more than the day you married
you two can face anything”

and you know what
she is completely and utterly right
we have been through the ringer
and i do believe that alot of marriages
are only still together because of the
children they have together
we are still together despite
not having children
we want/ed

that thought has got me through alot
i’ve been in the bottom of a very
dark well for most of this week
crying at the drop of a hat
not eating
not wanting to do anything
but sleep or cry
both while curled up into the foetal position

infertility has sucked the life out of me
it’s made my self esteem plummet
and i never had much of that
to start with
it’s made me doubt myself
and why i’m here
living this life
my life
worst of all
it’s made me doubt bikermans
choice as me as his wife

maybe if he’d fallen in love
with someone else
he’d be the amazing father
that i know he will/would be
by now

He is criminal.. covering up pedophile priests.. etc etc the list is endless.

I didn’t start this one (I did start this one), but TC has a more specific discussion on what happens to infants who die prematurely. I expect it will generate an interesting discussion. Head on over and share your thoughts.

A prominent Chinese dissident says he has been stuck at Tokyo airport for nine days because China will not let him in…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: ancient japan. The blog is also related to: tourist japan.

A prominent Chinese dissident says he has been stuck at Tokyo airport for nine days because China will not let him in…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: airport travel. The blog is also related to: bangkok airport.