I found these limericks in a text file taken from my old PC. Some of them were a bit raw, so I’ve cut them out, but there are a couple of hilarious entries I’m rather proud of:

There once was a young man called Nathan,
He liked to eat lots of fresh bacon,
He ate them in rashers,
He also liked badgers,
And then he got stabbed in the eye.

There once was a person called Joe,
Who’s trade mark was often hello,
He used to say hey,
But got told that it was gay,
So now he says it anywhere he goes.

Two otters were on a mudslide.
“This mud is too sticky!” one cried
“So go get some water,”
Said the other otter,
“To smooth the surface of our ride.”

I wrote this when I was ten. I still remember it. Clearly, I am a limerick genius.

(A pretty fucking rad idea: www.oedilf.com)

Jake the Snake accidentally begat,

Driving back a foe’s face to the mat.

And though the meaning’s unknown,

From your cracked collarbone,

My best guess would be “Didn’t Deserve That”¹

Defense against America’s beefs,

Enumerated by the Joint Chiefs:

Five numbers to measure

Concern and displeasure;

ON 1 it’s time to launder your briefs.²

In the wake of the great conflagration,

There appeared no hope for hydration.

So, armed with a branch,

Their thirst they did stanch

On the prize of their grand divination.

“Under a delusion you labor,” you prick,

“To think that one could find water with a stick!”

But it suits me just fine–

Night and day I divine–

And when I get thirsty I go suck a dick![?].

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For no reason except that I have some old favorites, which I suspect do not see the light of day often enough. These mostly trace back to the Complete Immortalia of Gershon Legman and a collection by W. S. Baring-Gould.

From the crypt of the church at St. Giles
Came a scream that re-echoed for miles.
Said the sexton, “Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?”

I find that, as I do the one that follows, almost unbearably poignant.

There was a young lady named Gloria
Who was raped by Sir Gerald du Maurier,
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald (again),
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.

(History does not record what Sir Gerald du Maurier, a renowned stage actor in his time, might have had to say about this, but such is the curse of being a public figure. He was reputedly an understated actor, hence, perhaps, the large supporting cast. For me, it is the presence of the band that gives the limerick its evocative quality. I envision them all standing in a sedate queue, holding their instruments. The musical ones.)

Somewhat continuous with the theme of the first is this:

A monk in an abbey in Syria
Grew steadily eerier and eerier,
Till he burst from his cell
With a hell of a yell
And buggered the Father Superior.

This evokes a Rasputin-like image, loud and shaggy and far from the vision of sedate academic sodomy contained in the last:

There was a young man at St. John’s
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, “Sir, take my daughter;
Them birds is reserved for the dons.”

You can tell that years of classical scholarship could have a debauching effect. Still, it would be justice for Leda.

In these days of rap and other such coarse jabber, I find refuge in this sort of polished crudity. If that is not an oxymoron.

Yesterday was a wild day.

I had no clients, no court scheduled, and planned to spend the time working on my crazy November goals. 2,000 words at least. Maybe 3,000. Move the girl right through the funeral home scene where she discovers the truth behind–

Then I got the call about 9 a.m. that the Captain was suspended for three days. Come pick him up. Now.

My jaw fell far enough that it was a good thing it took me awhile to get to the school, trying to figure out why on Earth the Captain would believe it proper to email his (female) AS teacher a whole page of sexual limericks. I mean, really? What?

But I guess that was the final straw for the junior high. He’d been getting confrontational in classes all week, had made several pretty aggressive statements to said AS teacher as well, and to start the whole week’s events off, he’d thought his health teacher didn’t have enough materials for their talk about the differences between men and women, and had taken his study guide from his Our Whole Lives class along to share.

The Unitarians teach this wonderful class, at age appropriate levels, but there is an acceptance of healthy sex among adults of various genders and a graphic openness in the cause of providing true and correct information that in all likelihood doesn’t comport with a small-town white-bread mental set in junior high. In any case, he’s now known as “the Boy with the Sex Book.” *sigh*

Setting aside the fact that the team’s policy is that the Captain is not allowed to take any books to school because he won’t do his work if he has other materials available, or the fact that we’ve had long talks every day for two weeks that the arguing with the teachers has to stop, or the fact that when he gets in trouble it is not his AS teacher’s fault for telling us, it’s his own behavior that he should blame…well no, we can’t really set those facts aside.

On top of that, between the time they called and the time I got there, the Captain also commented to the principal that he thought he’d like to hurt someone.  This is the second time he’s made such a comment in two weeks. Of course they shared this with me, and when pressed, he identified who he’d hurt. (Funny how all his acting out is at school, but the people he wants to hurt are at home…)

So I left the school and went straight to the counselor’s office, who of course didn’t have time to see him, but they did send the mobile crisis team to the house. They spoke with him, at which time he was sweet and charming and they determined that he was not a candidate for inpatient evaluation. They did get him to sign a contract saying he wouldn’t hurt himself or anyone else, and said it would be a good idea for us to lock away all the firearms and pointy objects.

Really? Ya think?

The saddest part about all this, is that early in the week his dad and I were talking about how he had been making steady progress and he should get some of his privileges back (lost in September) and perhaps move into a more normal teen status with electronics access, etc. But here’s proof why he needs to be restricted from the Internet (and he’s lost his school computer privileges now too) and just can’t be trusted.

So an unlucky day for us all. But hopefully, hitting bottom starts another upswing. I’m always open to suggestions–got any?

I am a li’l man from Eldridge!

Who tried hard to rhyme with “Eldridge”!

So I furrowed my brow!

“Oh, what do I do now?”

Bridge bridge! Bridge bridge bridge! Bridge bridge bridge!

[Day 27]

Labels: Halloween rhymes, scary rhymes for children, children rhymes about Halloween, Halloween rhymes for kids, funny Halloween poetry, scary Halloween rhymes, rhymes and poems for children, children rhymes, kids rhymes

Today just another Halloween rhyme for kids with audio recording. To find more Halloween poems and poetry click on the categories on the right Halloween poems and Halloween. Click on Podcast to find all audio recordings on my blog. All poetry, rhymes and poems are written by me. See you tomorrow, Milou

Hurt Were-Dog

Something furry was seen in the hall
It painted blood on the wall
It howled in despair
We all got a scare
When we saw our dog totter and fall

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week 7 match-up!

The Patriots’ Tom Brady is my man,
I love him more than you’d understand
With 12 TDs this season,
I play him with good reason,
Can’t believe I’m a big FF fan.

Thank Goodness for Larry Fitzgerald,
I have to beat Emerald!
He never lets me down,
Newsflash! – Cardinals are in town!
and Malou Lovers have been imperiled.

To my least favorite WR: Dwayne Bowe,
With you I never know,
I asked April for a trade,
and there was a deal that we made…
my response to the waiver came too slow.

I just picked up Miles Austin,
Over Crayton, he doesn’t play too often,
I don’t watch the Falcons,
I care less about Dallas,
So watching this game won’t be an option.

Please let Clinton Portis play!
He’s been questionable for three whole days!
Redskins, change his status
He’s needed for this match-up
Screw it – I’m just gonna pray.

For those who feel my pain in trying to create and play your optimal line-ups!
For those who plan early (right after Monday Night Football) and for those who procrastinate (right before the Sunday games)!
For those who got money on the line!
For those who’ve learned to expand their notions of favoritism (especially if you’ve temporarily sold out against the team you grew up loving…)!
For those who sob, yell or cringe at their Stattrackers.
For those moments when you knew you should’ve gone with that other player….
For helping your friends cheat. And for cheating your friends.
For the gamble.
For the obsessed.

And mostly for me – because I never thought I’d be into this sort of thing. I knew I could connect poetry to fantasy football. GO San Miguel Beers! WIN! (pun absolutely intended)

janice.

P.S.

If you’d like to write your own hyperbolic limericks:
Limericks are composed of a couplet and a triplet.
Lines 1, 2 and 5 should consist of 7 to 10 syllables.
Lines 3 and 4 should consist of 5 to 7 syllables.
(The rules vary, but this what I chose.)

[Day 25]

NEW! udpated with audio
Collection of  funny spooky Halloween poems and rhymes for children. All poems on this blog are written by me, Milou. I am a 11 years old student writing poetry 4 kids. I hope you enjoy my Halloween poems and poetry for children and my poetry podcasts and audio for kids. If you have a blog or a website and like poetry4kids,  please link to my blog. Thanks, Milou
Today’s Halloween poem for children is another limerick and I will post more Halloween poems the next days.  Have fun

The Nearly Ghost

I see a glowing light
The room is growing bright
A pure white thing
Flies without wing
It’s my brother’s lovely new kite

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[Day 24]

NEW! updated with podcast

Hi, now we are in our last week of Halloween waiting for *trick or treat*. I called the next Halloween limerick “The Beastly Feast” . Check out my other limericks and riddles and my little limerick tutorial on [Day 12] “how to write limerick poetry”. I will post a couple of limericks and Halloween poems the coming days. Have a nice weekend, Milou

The Beastly Feast by Milou

All over the ground bones are scattered
I can clearly hear them clatter
A monstrous beast
Has had a feast
My sister is finished eating her matter

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Looking for Halloween reading for children under the age of 9 or so? You might want to read these posts:

“Good Halloween Poems for Children”: Where to find short Halloween poems that rhyme, including Robert Graves’s “The Pumpkin,” which begins: “You may not believe it, for hardly could I: / I was cutting a pumpkin to put in a pie …”

“John Ciardi’s Halloween Limerick for Children”: Two books that have the poet’s witty limerick about a haunted house, “The Halloween House.” The first lines are: “I’m told there’s a Green Thing in there. / And the sign on the gate says BEWARE!”

“A Classic Halloween Poem and Jump-Rope Rhyme”: Jump-ropers, remember the one that goes, “Down in the desert / Where the purple grass dies / There sat a witch …”?

“James Stevenson’s ‘That Terrible Halloween Night,’ a Picture Book for Ages 3–8”: A grandfather tells a tale to children who try to scare him on Halloween.

No costume yet? You might enjoy “Literary Halloween Costumes for Children.”

[Day 21]

Hello fellow haunters! Today with a little Halloween riddle for you. The Halloween countdown is still going on,…. a nice short riddle about a very important and sometimes frightful little guy on Halloween. Don’t you think, Milou

Halloween Riddle by Milou

I hate Thanksgiving Day
I dislike the color gray
I’m orange and round
I’m found on the ground
And I never get to play

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[Day 20]

Another of my Halloween riddles for kids. I will update my blog every evening until Halloween with Halloween riddles, Halloween limericks, scary spooky Halloween stories and tales. Halloween poems and poetry for kids. You can read and listen to my poetry. I hope you have fun, Milou

Halloween Riddle by Milou

I wear a pointy hat
My pet’s a scary black cat
I’m terribly fond
Of waving my wand
And my flying broom’s called Gnat

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Dear Rhyming,

You and I, we don’t get along. When I try to write you, it comes out all,

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I think you are stupid

And I hate you.

While concise, it’s not particularly full of meaning or imagery or um, let’s see, anything worthwhile at all.

There was a young child named Bucket

When he got mad he would say…

Oops. Better stop there. You see what I’m saying. But today I am declaring a truce in this war of ours. Today I sat down, and I tried to trick you into coming into my poem by writing it and then sneaking you in between the words and then quick! before you or I could realize! pulling away the curtains and revealing you, naked and embarrassed, at the end of the line.

I feel exhausted, and a little bit dirty for some completely unexplainable reason, and proud, and very very nervous to show you in public.

Like maybe this is going to result in that scene from Young Frankenstein when the monster tap dances and sings for the huge crowds, and it’s fabulous, and they’re going wild, and then there is fire (right? I think so) and he goes nuts and stomps on some things and then the people are going wild. And both the monster and his creator are hunted down with pitchforks.

I’d rather not have that happen. But I was talking about taking risks with writing yesterday and decided to start with you, and thank you for sticking it out with me this morning. Maybe we should both take a nap and reconvene tomorrow.

Cheers,

MM

[Day 16]

Halloween witch poem. Today another funny Halloween poem with audio. Enjoy, Milou

Labels: Halloween witch, Halloween limericks, witch poems, scary witch poem, funny witch poems for kids, free Halloween audio

I wouldn’t mind to come and dine
But there is something wrong inside my spine
I can’t run nor walk
I can barely talk
When I find my poor spine, I’ll be fine

Thanks a Ton
The Skeleton

And again listen to one of the great stories by S.E. Schlosser. Check out the other stories on my Halloween countdown [Day 1 to Day 16]. Click on HOME to see all posts for Halloween or click on categories for navigation on the right. See you tomorrow, Milou

• Rival Witches
  The rivalry between two evil witches terrifies the residents of a small town. From the book Spooky New Jersey

Used with permission of S.E. Schlosser and AmericanFolklore.net. Copyright 2009. All rights reserved.

© S.E. Schlosser 1997 – 2009

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