— Ralph Marston

]]> http://thenewyouacademy.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/who-are-you-2/ Mon, 04 Feb 2013 03:00:45 +0000 thenewyouacademy http://thenewyouacademy.wordpress.com/2013/02/04/who-are-you-2/ “Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.”

- Doris Mortman

Who you are or, more importantly, who you are meant to be, is a product of living your purpose. Once you figure out who you are, you are well on your way to living your purpose.

Unfortunately, for most of us, determining who you are is not a simple matter of asking the question. We’ve created persona’s that don’t assist us in getting to our core. Sometimes these persona’s were created in response the expectations of others. Sometimes, they were created to avoid disappointment. We may have even created our persona’s based on societal morals or beliefs.

When you ask a little child “who are you,” you’re likely to get a variety of answers, most of which are probably close to the truth of who they are meant to be. As we grow up, we begin to become influenced by those in positions of authority around us. People such as our parents, grandparents, siblings, and teachers directly or indirectly influence us.

For example, your mother may have commented to a friend in your presence that being a doctor is such a “nice, respectable” profession. A teacher that you respect may have mentioned that Van Gogh died penniless and alone leading you to believe that all great artists will be poor. In the moment that you hear the remarks, you may make a decision about what you want to do with your life … a decision that doesn’t support who you were meant to be.

Perhaps you looked at your parents, the lives they led and what they did for a living and decided that you didn’t want to live the life they led. So, you choose a profession or a lifestyle vastly different from your parents to avoid disappointment. You might have chosen your profession so that you didn’t disappoint your parents.

Maybe you decided to do something with your life that was counter to what you were meant to do because society regarded that lifestyle as inappropriate. Succumbing to societal pressures is often a factor in our discontent.

The more decisions we make based on the expectations and beliefs of others, the further we get from who we really are, who were are meant to be.

To understand who you really are, to know you, you must first understand the world around you. To understand the world around you, let’s start with how you perceive your world around you.

According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, we are bombarded with two million bits of information every second. The challenge is that we can’t process all that information consciously. So, we delete, distort and generalize that down to a comfortable one-hundred and thirty-four bits per second.

We do this by applying some internal filters. They are:

• Time, Space, Matter and Energy
• Language
• Memories
• Decisions
• Meta Programs
• Values
• Beliefs
• Attitudes

Time, Space, Matter and Energy: We use these terms to describe the world around us, our environment.

Time either has a meaning to us or it doesn’t. That is, we either view our world through time, or we wander around in time, doing what we want when we want without any regard for time. We very often relate to our world through time.

Space refers to the the three dimensional world we live in and the space we occupy in it. This relates to wow we experience our world and, more importantly, how we expect to experience our world.

Those things that occupy our three dimensional world are known as matter. These are the things that we can touch, things that have form.

Energy, in this context, refers to the unseen information we receive through our five senses; our sense of sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch.

Our experience of Time, Space, Matter and Energy, when combined, determine how we see what we see in our world. Essentially, you see what you expect to see in your world.

Language: The order, sequence and meaning of the words we use determines how relate to our world. For example, “Johnny bit the dog” and “The dog bit Johnny” have very different meanings, especially if you’re Johnny or the Dog. Also, if you’re a computer person, the word “bit” has a different meaning; that of a piece of information making the whole sentence confusing.

Memories: Our mind attempts to create meaning from the world around us. It does that by comparing what it sees to what has happened in the past. You might have experienced this, for example, when someone you meet looks or acts like someone else you know.

Decisions: The choices you’ve had and the decisions you’ve made throughout your life impact how you view your world. In fact, these decisions, filter a great deal of information out of the two million bits you receive. For example, if you made a decision early on that you don’t deserve to have a lot of money, you will miss opportunities to make money and find opportunities to lose it.

Meta Programs: The habitual behaviors and cognitive patterns that we use in a variety of situations are largely unconscious. They help determine our perspective. We call these behaviors and patterns meta programs, meaning over programs. We develop these programs over time and refine them based on our experience. They help you understand and make sense of our world.

Values: What’s important to us in a given context are known as our values. We evaluate what happens in world based on our values. For us, it determines what’s right or wrong. As an example, you might value caring for others far more than money making it difficult for you to increase your income.

Beliefs: The decisions we’ve made through the course of our lives determine how we view our world. Like values, they help us determine right from wrong. Many of these decisions become beliefs, or what you accept as true or real.

For example, if you belief that money is the root of all evil, then you will reject situations which might provide you will money.

Attitudes: The abstract ideas that you derive from your values and beliefs, called attitudes, indicate how you feel about a situation. When you apply these feelings to a situation or event, you filter out much of the information available to you.

What all of this means is that of all the information you take in, what you consciously process is what you want to process. It’s what you want to see.

This is not a new concept. Alfred Korzybski, in Science and Sanity, said that Perception is Projection meaning that what you perceive in the world is what you project out onto the world. Nor is it revolutionary. Carl Gustav Jung, the Swiss psychotherapist and psychiatrist who founded analytical psychology, said the we tend to marry our parents then project our stuff out onto them.

All of this says that what you see in this world is what you expect to see in the world, it’s what you project out onto the world. In other words, it’s you. The real question is how do you feel about it?

To the extent you feel negatively about something in your world, that’s the extent that what you see is not you … at least not the real you. And, the stuff that you feel positively or at least flat about is the real you.

The more negative emotions you have about your world, the harder it will be for you to discover who you really are because to determine who you really are, you must take a look at the world around you. The world around you is a reflection of you because you project your stuff out on to the world.

More importantly, those beliefs and decisions that you hold that don’t serve you also mask who you really are. Those beliefs and decisions are often held in place by negative emotions.

So, if you can release your negative emotions, you can begin to discover who you really are. This is something we do naturally. For example, have you ever had a memory pop up that you hadn’t thought about in a while, then never thought about again? In that moment, you got what you needed to get from the memory and let go of the negative emotions.

On the other hand, you may have had a memory pop up and you thought “Ugh! I don’t want to look at that! It’s too painful.” When this happens, you stuff the memory along with the emotions deep within you.

The question, of course, is how do you get rid of the negative emotions? How do you release all the stuff that holds you back from discovering who you really are?

The above is the first chapter in a new book entitled “Live Your Purpose”. It will be available in Spring, 2013. To learn more, contact us at www.thenewyouacademy.com

And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.” ~ Steve Jobs

So last week I wrote about facing your fears and not letting it run your life. Let’s be honest here, one thing is admitting and looking at your fears, but acting upon it is a whole new level.

I’m at this level now.  So now I know I’m going go on the road of entrepreneur.  Again! Every fiber in my body cheers for it. Yeees! But it does not make much sense in the real world, yet. So this zone is quite scary, and lonely place for sure. But hey, I’ll get used to it and I do feel alive. And that’s what matters.

To tell you the truth, once I was done exploring my fears, values, choices, passion, purpose, I entered a real hall of horror, the UNKNOWN.

Now all I got, is my intuition, curiosity and that good feeling, that this is right for me.

I guess the good news is, my purpose somehow found me. So what else to do, than just keep walking. I just got to trust that instinct, my heart, that hunch and just keep walking. Even though it’s difficult, confusing and scary. But not going for it is even scarier, right?

So I won’t compromise, I’ll accept certain things for sure, but I won’t buy into lies of my fears, stories, I’ll just keep walking, until one day it will all make sense.

I found my purpose following these few but easy steps:

• Be yourself. Don’t try to be anybody else than you. Do not try to fit in. Shine with all that you are.
• Stop searching for passion. If you are busy searching for it, you might miss it. Life will most likely bring it to you, at most appropriate time.
• You won’t find it outside. Passion for something, is like a little fire inside you. Do not search for it from outside yourself! Get still. Observe. Do. Eventually your passion will find you.
• Try and error. Simplest way to approach is to simply try as many things you can. Find out what moves you. What makes you happy? On minus side it might take some time.
• Stop fearing what others might think. Just do what you enjoy. You can not satisfy everyone’s expectations.
• Avoid falling into a trap called “finding my one and only passion”. The truth is you might find several and you might not find any, at this very moment. So, enjoy what you got now.
• Action is the key word. The truth is you will most likely find your passion, while doing it. You’ll never think your way to your passion.
• Change the attitude. Look around, stop feeling stuck at what you are doing now, where you are now. Accept and embrace. New doors will open up.
• Be grateful for what you have. Good comes to those who already got it. Unfair? Maybe. The truth is that, if you don’t know how to appreciate the little you have (your current job maybe? people around you?), you most likely won’t be given more, before you appreciate what you got. Learned it the hard way, so I should know.
• Dare to be different. If you are just yourself, then you will already be different from anybody else.

Get comfortable and invest 15 min. to listen to this.

Still, I feel that there is something to the personalization effect that social technology enables.  I read your words on my ticker feed–as if they were about me.  You do the same.  And only with the exertion of conscious reason am I able to say, “No–so and so did not actually mean to target me with that link, or post, or quote.”    Perhaps there is a reason why narcissism as a disorder is evaporating from psychological diagnostic manuals–it is too wide spread today to be considered anything less than “normal.”  We are being triggered, acted upon in such a way as to change us.  

Today though, having passed through a few fires, many of my own making–I am coming to this: there’s no cause for worry. A lovely story I heard not too long ago says this better than I could.  

Sol Lampert, the owner of a department store in a mid-western city, was terribly incensed because the local paper had printed a story that painted him in an unfavorable light.  He was detirmined to take his revenge and went to the Rabbi to strategize.  ”Should I sue the paper? Should I ask that the statement be retracted?  Or should I just have the editor beaten?”

“You will do NONE of these things!” replied the Rabbi.  ”And let me tell you why.  

Half of those who saw the item didn’t read it.  Half of those who read it, didn’t understand it.  Half of those who understood it, didn’t believe it.  Half of those who believe it don’t mean anything to anybody–so why get excited?”

Get over it!  Stop being so concerned about people’s reaction. Stop censoring.  Give your highest and best, and do so if other’s care or if they don’t.  You do your dance.  Do what you were made to do–and if you don’t yet know what that is, then don’t rest until you discover it.  These are the realities I live with today.  I hope you can too.

Let’s play out a scenario.

You’re an upperclassman. You’re not only a chapter leader, but a campus leader, as well. You joined Phi Tau as a freshman or a sophomore. Why did you join?

Each of us can still point back to the moment when we went from interested to associated. For those of us who didn’t think we would join a fraternity (like me!), that was a really bizarre moment, wasn’t it? For me, it was standing in my dorm room, talking to Andrew Youtz, Mount Union ’06. Then it was Ryan Shannon, Mount Union ’06, welcoming me into what would become one of the most influential phases of my life. It was the opportunity I saw to be a champion—not in a sport, but in life.

So why did you join?  

• People—Someone addressed your concerns through word or deed; someone showed you what it really means to be a fraternity man
• Experience—The chapter you joined offered an experience that you found attractive
• Opportunity—The opportunity you saw in joining was too good to pass up; maybe you were even a founding father
• Values—The values of the other men were so strong and upstanding that you thought yourself blessed to have a common bond; they were the best men you had ever met

What happens when the “why you joined” changes in your chapter? Here’s what I mean:

New officers have been elected. The dynamics change. The chapter starts to lose the demeanor that made you want to join in the first place. Part of the chapter (hopefully your part) wants to fulfill Phi Kappa Tau’s purpose. Another part wants to focus on throwing the biggest and most outrageous parties on campus. Yet another part wants the associates to “earn” their place in the chapter. There is another group of members who just don’t seem to care. It seems that everything you believe in is being violated by people who, frankly, just don’t get it. You know deep down that their actions, without being addressed, are grounds for corrective action—possibly a chapter closure or membership review, but the worst case scenario is someone getting hurt.

What would you do? You’ve really only got two options:

Do something about it. Or don’t.

The mission of Phi Kappa Tau is to champion a lifelong commitment to brotherhood, learning, ethical leadership and exemplary character. This statement is the essence of everything that we do.

• Does throwing the most outrageous parties fit into our mission? I’m a huge advocate of social events, but how does “ethical leadership” apply to breaking risk management policies? Or laws for that matter?
• Do members skipping class because they are hung over or just lazy demonstrate the “learning” we so highly value?
• Does making the associate members “earn” their initiation promote
  “exemplary character?” (As a side note, “making them earn it” is the easy way of saying “I can’t connect with our members on a deeper level or inspire them through words or actions, so let’s haze them.”)
• Better yet, does demeaning or physically abusing people align with “brotherhood?”

For the good of the order, when these situations that require ethical leadership arise—DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Here are some ways you can make positive change, even when making change is hard.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a freshman, if you’re graduating in May or if you’re an alumnus. When we accepted that bid, it became our problem to address. The best news is that there are allies all around you. Who are they? Other undergraduates? Alumni? Board of Governors members? Domain Directors? Campus professionals? Identify the people with similar ideals and engage them in a conversation. Be leaders. Create a plan of action. Address the need that exists. Together, figure out how to effectively tackle the issues. For the good of the order, step up.

Phi Kappa Tau needs you.

(This blog was inspired by Seth Godin’s article “Speechless”)

Resources:
Introducing Change
Risk Management Policy
Purpose Statements

So I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written anything for my readers. It’s really been too long. I could come up with a million excuses as to why I haven’t been writing… I’ve been busy job hunting and then apartment hunting and then furniture hunting, I’ve been working and focusing on myself, I haven’t felt the motivation to write, I’ve been too absorbed with music, or that I’ve had writer’s block. All of those could be true… but should never stop someone from doing something they love to do.

No, instead the real reason I haven’t been writing is because I haven’t felt confident enough to give other people advice, when I can’t even figure out my own life. Weird right? The person that gives advice all the time out of advice to give? That’s how I felt, though, until now. I recently hit rock bottom, not too long ago, right after my birthday where I turned the ripe old age of 25. I’ll spare you all the details because I don’t want pity (and probably don’t deserve it).

Moving on, I find myself tonight, finishing the second week of a job which I’ve just started which I love. I don’t gather all my self-esteem from my career, but having a job that you enjoy, you get paid well to do, and that makes the world a better place all seem to help. Anyway, tonight I’m living in a new city, in a new apartment, with no friends for hundreds of miles, and just a bed and my dog. So naturally, I’ve been doing some thinking.

That’s all you can do with no one to talk to besides a cute puppy that just stares back at me as if everything I say is the most important thing anyone has ever uttered in history. I’ve been reflecting on my life; the mistakes, the hardships, the good times, and what is to come. What I’ve realized is that I’m extraordinarily lucky to be where I am right now. I’ve made so many mistakes that some would say I shouldn’t even be alive right now. So what I am doing everyday is making it count and working toward something.

I don’t know exactly what yet. All I know is, that I am meant to still be here. Nothing else makes sense. I have been given a voice and a life, and people listen to what I have to say. That means something in this world. Not only that, but I have a means to an end. Again, I don’t know what that end is yet, but I’m going to keep working until I find out.

You know, I was given a book by a great man; Matt Stewart, who I’ve learned a lot from. It’s called “Man’s Search for Meaning.” I read the Foreword. That’s it so far. Then I put it down because it weighed heavy on my heart. So I watched Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2, and I realized something (this is cheesy, but bear with me). Harry doesn’t know what his destiny really is. He’s told by all sorts of people that he shouldn’t be alive, or that he will die, or that he’s irresponsible and cocky, etc. Well I’ve been told all those things too.

No, I’m not saying that I am some kind of hero. I’m no different than anyone else in my capabilities. I’m just saying that we are all told things in our life, but that does not create our reality. We are the ones who create our own reality. We are responsible for everything that happens in our own lives. I hate to say it sometimes, but it’s true. It’s so easy to pass the blame, or to make excuses, or to say that you’re just unlucky (which I definitely feel like sometimes).

However, what I’ve realized tonight is that we need to stop doing those things. Who cares about who’s rich and who’s not? Who cares what religion someone practices? Who cares what sexual orientation you are? Do those things matter when we die? Hell no they don’t! What matters is the people you knew and the impact you left on this world. That should be the only thing that you ever care about in this life. Am I selfish sometimes, ABSOLUTELY. Everyone is, and I think it’s unhealthy if you’re not every once in a while. In fact, I think it can be a testament to what kind of person you are if you take care of yourself, and care for others.

OK, so I know I’m rambling slightly, so let’s get back to the point. Man’s search for meaning… We all have a purpose in life, and the sad thing is, I don’t know if everyone really achieves it. Well, my goal is to keep working my ass off until I find out what my purpose is. Right now I know this; I have been gifted with the ability to speak and for people to listen. Whether it’s in person, in a speech, or with my writing, people heed what I say a lot of the time. I also know that I can be a good leader. I lead by example, and I also demand respect by the way I treat others. Finally, I know that I enjoy helping others improve. I say helping them improve versus ‘helping others’ because sometimes when you give aid, it doesn’t do jack shit.

What I mean is, to quote the Bible “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed him the rest of his life.” Unfortunately, when we give the homeless a place to live, and give them food, we are only helping them for as long as the help is there. Once we stop, they have learned nothing and have only lived longer to not improve themselves. Now I’m not saying that helping people is a bad thing, but what I’m saying is that when I help others, it is to help them improve. I want them to take lessons from me, apply them to their own lives, and then go out and improve their own situation. That is what I’ve had to do; I haven’t been given any handouts. I’ve had to work for everything I have (which isn’t much yet).

But I do have my health, my happiness, my dog, a place to sleep, food to eat, a family that loves me, and a job. No one said life was easy or fair, and so I know I must keep working to get anything that I want. And what I want is to find what my meaning is; my purpose for being here. When I find that, I know nothing else will matter but to pursue that purpose. Sounds intense; because it is. I don’t want to waste my time here, because I know it is limited. I want to make the biggest impact I can; not to be remembered or be famous. But rather, to help make the change happen that I want to see in this world.

I’m tired of the bickering over religion and sexual orientation and money. It’s pointless. None of that matters while we are rotting in our graves. Yes, I want to have fun while I’m here, because after I’m gone, I think people should keep having fun. I also want to leave my message with the world; to open your mind and accept people for who they are, not what labels society may place on them. It’s funny to think that I care about being open minded so much, because not once have I been persecuted for anything I believe: I was raised Christian, I’m a white, Anglo-Saxon male, and I am heterosexual. There’s no possible way to discriminate against me in American culture really. But it utterly disgusts me how our society and others treat people who are different than the norm. That part of my purpose, I am sure of.

So, what does all of this mean that I’ve just said? Well, if you haven’t been considering your own life, probably not very much. However, if you’ve taken this opportunity to consider what you’ve done so far, and what you’re meant to do, then maybe… just maybe I’ve done my part. Take that challenge from me today: don’t settle for what society and other people tell you. No, fuck that. You take everything you want from life. Leave your mark on the world and find out what your purpose is. We are the masters or our own destinies, and we shape our own futures, as well as the futures of our children and our children’s children. Don’t ever forget that.

I know I may have rattled some cages with this post, and that’s OK with me. Because I am back with a vengeance. I have a message to send, and I will keep sending it until people listen or I am silenced. Thank you for reading, as always, I am accepting of any and all comments, so please please respond with your thoughts. I would very much appreciate it . Be brave, don’t be afraid to speak your mind, and never stop working. You’ll get to where you want to be someday, I promise you that.

I admire the people who are bold enough to step into their life’s mission, who dare stand up in front of a crowd and speak about what they have found to be true, who open their voices and sing, rap, dance, draw, teach, help, build… who have the audacity to walk outside and introduce  and expose themselves to someone they have never met before.

And I think that is one of the greatest gifts in life. Getting to know each other. I have been holding back. I have been afraid of so much, but what good is a gift if it is kept in a vacuum? Why do we go to school, learn skills, even learn to talk, if it’s not so that we can share with each other?

As I am continuing with writing these blogs, and reading the comments, emails, and other communications, I realize that we are all experiencing life on so many levels and from so many different viewpoints. You can’t be responsible for another person’s viewpoint, but you can be responsible for trying to communicate your intention the best way you know how.

My intention here is to share, communicate, express, help people know that they are not alone in their quests for self-fulfillment, open up a space where people feel comfortable being honest, and finally, help myself by having an audience that holds me accountable for moving forward.

Something in the air has shifted today and I feel like I have a calling on my life… I mean, everyone has a calling on their life, whether it’s to be somebody’s daddy, lead a nation, or be the girl who sings a song that touches a man who decides to change for the better.  I  know that at some point, i’m going to help a lot of people come into their own, and i have to start somewhere. I am burning to come out.

I’d like to remember this day. The day that I decided to truly give of myself all that I can give to the world. The day that I decided to live my life with the knowledge that life is good and I, and we, have so much to offer. What is it, you ask? I can show you better then I can tell you.

I’m coming out, like the song goes, and I want the world to see.

And I am so, so, so, so so very grateful for this moment. Ameen.

Day 13

Come Out

I loved this video – two reasons – first of all- it melts your heart. Watch it and see if you do some melting  – or at least  need a hankie!. 

Watch this … and bring your box of tissues!

And then after I watched this (yes, a couple of times)  I got chills  as I realized  how close this dear lady was  to NEVER getting to share this gift – surely this is her purpose in life – yet here she is – with this incredible GIFT hidden away, and close to NEVER being seen.

What a WASTE and horror, really.

And I wondered – why is it so hard for us to find and live our purpose? Clearly this sweet, sassy, funny, frumpy lady was put on earth to MOVE people with her voice – to bring us to tears, to laugh, to feel more fully alive. Yet what did you think the chance was that you’d be listening to her entire song when you saw her bravely walk out on stage?  Obviously, as talented as she is, she had only brushed up against the idea of her brilliance. She came to the stage with the DREAM to be a professional singer – yet she had not ever gotten close before ( she was actually UNEMPLOYED) …until she walked out on that glittery stage in her frumpy, matronly outfit and wild hair.

And why not? Fear …fear that keeps us small, that robs us of being our authentic self. And this is the second reason I loved this – here she is -  finally, at 47 years old, she ran into the fear and just kept going, and now she is an “overnight sensation”.

And what gems do YOU have hidden that you have been afraid to share with the world. If you are not claiming and living your life purpose now, what are you waiting for???

And  yes  – I can help you with that! Through my private coaching and JUMP workshops I help you clarify your vision for your life, and achieve your most meaningful goals – the ones that will transform your life, and have you living your purpose.

Don’t hide your true gifts – like this 47 year old virgin – be brave and contact me – I can help you find your vision, your purpose, and then take ACTION to  live it – so you can turn on your spotlight, and live YOUR purpose!

Want to know more – reach me at www.dawnmenard.com

wishing you JOY and CLARITY…and shining in YOUR spotlight,,,like a (47-year old) virgin!