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I don’t like people in general but its the females I despise. I mean don’t get me wrong, I can tolerate people but if I had a choice to be around them or not, I wouldn’t be around them. I’m not an asshole to people because I don’t like them. I treat people how I would want to be treated. Its just …ugh, a large quantity of them in one area makes me itch. I don’t like small talk either. That I can live without. I like it when people get to the point so I don’t be standing there getting uncomfortable. I’m not much of a happy person; I hate smiling and cameras. Get people and camera’s in a room with me and I’ll try my damnedest to get the hell out of dodge.

Being a loner is awesome though. There’s no drama; no people asking you for money; you don’t have to share your snacks or video games, the list is endless. I think that’s why people didn’t like me in high-school because I wouldn’t hang out with them just to smoke with them after school. How the hell is that something to do on any planet? Its one thing to be human but to be a human and smoke? We won’t have nothing but “hi” and “bye” to say to each other. If I had to hang around people, I would want to hang around people that are like me or at least close to it so we wouldn’t have to talk to each other to remain friends.

Just give me my music, my food, and my video games and I’m the happiest camper ever. I’m not materialistic nor am I picky [to a lengthy extent], that’s energy I could be using avoiding people. I don’t like being in the spotlight, I try to avoid opportunities for that to happen. I wear all black [my favorite color] and in my mind, black means “uninteresting”. Besides, bright colors annoy me. I tried dressing in something else besides black but all it left me at the end of the day was me explaining myself to my relatives that I was okay. They thought I was off my rocker because I wore a gray and white shirt. Even my boyfriend trips out when I wear white socks. Sometimes I have to ask what the fuck am I doing myself when that happens.

No, I’m not “emo” whatever the definition to that word is; it could mean anything these days. My point is, people keep too much shit started and they talk too much. They don’t sit down and appreciate themselves. I sit down and look at myself everyday and I’m happy that I am who I am whether people like who I am or not. I prefer they didn’t; less people that like me the less potential crushed feelings I have to hand out. They’re loud too, that’s why I dread living downtown. When I’m up on my feet again, I’m moving far away from the city as possible. My family might hate me for it but who gives a damn about them? They disowned me when I told them I was an Atheist, so to hell with family.

As far as females go, they bleed the same way I do every month so I know for a fact that they use that as an excuse to be a bitch. They’re some conniving ass broads I tell you. They don’t know when to stop gossiping or being deceitful. Majority of my family is females and all they can do is talk about me or about who caught what from who. Thank goodness I already set in my mind that I was adopted. I don’t even talk on the phone, I mean why would I? I have to look at them and look at me and have to remind myself to why they hate me. Its very clear why.

Do you really think feeling bad for yourself will make things okay, make things go your way? I don’t think so because I tried feeling bad for myself but it didn’t result in anything. Yeah, you might feel better but did you really accomplish anything? Do you want attention from a boy, you don’t know how to express your feelings? Because sometimes you just got to be yourself or more importantly be someone you know you can be. Be brave, bold, daring, happy, crazy or just be the one everyone knows and loves. ‘Cause sometimes “All You Need Is Love” (Singers of this song, Thanks for letting me use the words) and loving yourself can make you more yourself and not the mouse that got put in you. You are the most important thing on this planet. Say that everyday and “Be Who You Want To Be” (Barbie Thanks for leeting me use this quote!) So the next time you want to be by yourself or FEEL bad for yourself remember “I’m The Most Important Thing On This Planet”

Eremitism

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I tried joining the site Hermit's Slate @ Hermitary.Com two times in the past couple months; my registrations were not confirmed.

I am not exactly certain as to why my registrations were not confirmed, but the only thing I can think of is that staff are getting me mixed up with a previously banned member. I'd really like to join up to the site as it looks like an interesting place.

I read and followed this off the main page, so I don't understand why they are not confirming my account:

"To distinguish you from a spammer, fill in some information for Location, Occupation, Interests — at least Interests, which is the least revealing if that is an issue. I need to have something tangible to recognize you as genuinely interested in this forum and not just spamming. "

Hermit's Slate seems like an interesting place; I hope to eventually make it in there, but until then, I'll stick to using my own forum HikiCulture (well, I'd still be using HikiCulture even if I was in Hermit's Slate – I'd just be using the two in conjunction). 

Posted via email from HikiCulture – A Forum For Reclusive People (and Hikikomori) {HikiCulture.Com Site Blog}

Am I allowed to self diagnose?

I’m really beginning to think I might be manic depressive. As I’m sure anyone who has ever met me knows, I can be in a mint mood, really happy and confident and 100% stress free… but I have times where I feel like screaming, don’t see the point in waking up and dread the rest of my life…

I’m not depressive in a suicidal kind of way, don’t get me wrong. I’m not about to top myself. I don’t want things to end - I want them to change.

I guess I just wish I could do something different with my life, to pack up and move far away and start it all again – and hopefully not mess it all up and end up a loner all over again. Everyone keeps telling me lame things like ‘well do something about it’ or ‘go out and meet people’ but it’s not as simple as that! I go out, I meet people, then they walk off and I never see them again. Apparently I’m not interesting enough to keep people talking…either that or I panic and run…

Ah well, guess I’ll send out invitations next time I’m organising a pity party like this one…

Have one of my favourite songs from the best film I’ve ever seen – New Moon. Lykke Li – Possibility♫ http://blip.fm/~goiqh Enjoy!

Presenting my second interview of the week with Mr. Jim Lawson.  His style has become synonymous with the Ninja Turtles for the nearly 25 years he’s worked at Mirage.  Lawson has drawn more Ninja Turtles comics than anyone else in the business, and he was quite gracious to let me interview him.

Interviewing Jim Lawson has been a grand opportunity for me, and I’m very thankful to share his insights and knowledge about the Turtles.  In the interview, we discuss the recent purchase of TMNT by Nickelodeon, his future plans (with dinosaurs!), Paleo, most likely the last TMNT comic to come out (at least for a long time) Tales #70, and R.E.M.!

This whole experience has been fun connecting with the Mirage crew, and I hope that further opportunities will come to them as they face the future.

Recently, on your blog, you addressed the issue of the TMNT purchase from Nickelodeon, and briefly mentioned some of your possible future plans.  Have you further thought about your options since then?

Not really. It’s been kind of overwhelming emotionally since the announcement of the sale—I think only now that the dust is beginning to settle and I can start thinking about the future. As I sit here right now, I can’t honestly say just what it is that I want to do.

Do the possibilities still remain to finish up the Paleo TPB and even release more Paleo comics?

Yeah, definitely. Paleo was published under the Zeromayo partnership between Peter (Laird) and myself.  Whether Pete still wants a relationship and involvement in that, that’s unclear to me. However, I don’t see that there would be anything preventing me from finishing the TPB myself.

You also mentioned that the thought of doing a children’s book has been in your head for awhile, do you have any ideas that you might want to share about what this would involve?  Dinosaur themes or something similar to your work from on the Turtles Comics?

The children’s book idea is something that’s always appealed to me- and now that I’m playing around with colors, even more so now. Nothing concrete, storywise- but you’re correct, dinosaurs are absolutely a direction that I would like to go.

How did Peter Laird break the news about the deal to the writers and artists, or how did you find out about the deal?

I think that it was October 13—Gary (Richardson) called us all into a staff meeting here at Mirage. Everyone was there including Pete. It was then that we were told that a deal to sell the Turtles was nearly complete.  Some details of the sale were talked about and Pete discussed his situation and reasons for my he felt he had to make this decision.  Contracts were given us to review and sign. It was pretty emotional.

You explained your personal account of what it was like for you to walk around the Mirage office after hearing about the deal (as a zombie), were everyone else’s reactions similar to yours?

I think so. Everyone seemed sorta paralyzed by the news. But conversely, I think that we all knew in the back of our minds that this day was coming.

I’m happy for Pete—it’s been tough watching him struggle for the past few years with regards to his loss of enthusiasm for the comics. I hope this unburdens him and he can rediscover the creative person that he once was.

I’ve always enjoyed how stylistically and minimalist your artwork has been especially in depicting action, how did you develop this style that has almost become synonymous with the TMNT?

Lots and lots of drawing. I’m asked occasionally why my style changed so dramatically over the run of the TMNTs. I can’t say that it was my intention to draw the way I do now-it just naturally happened.  I really like that it’s such an evolving thing- it’s very exciting for me as an artist.

I’ve noticed that the pacing and beats in all of the miniseries that you have both written and drawn have had a lot of downtime, scenic, mood-setting moments (most recently in the Donatello miniseries) which is quite impactful stylistically.  What’s some of the inspiration behind these moments?

That’s an interesting question. In response to that, all I can say is that I try for a sense of realism in my stories. I very much want to try to convey a character’s mood or emotion- I want to really get in their head and to know what an individual’s thoughts are.  It’s during my own quiet times when I’m introspective and reflecting so I think that that’s what I try to bring into my writing.

I’m sure you’ve answered it a ton before, and that’s why I was hesitant to ask earlier, but who’s your favorite character and why?  How do you go about drawing the separate characters when they look nearly identical?

I don’t know if I have a favorite character. Leo I find really interesting. I guess as the unofficial leader of the Turtles it’s my belief that he is subject to more responsibilites and influences than the other guys. There’s just got to be more of a depth there. From an artistic standpoint, all the Turtles are nearly identical, appearance-wise.  I think for me personally, the differences become more of a facial expression or body positioning– Leo stands straight, Mikey looser, Raph when he’s addressing someone, more aggressive- in their face. Don very often standing separate. That type stuff.

What is your creative process like?  Do the writers leave you plenty of room for your own interpretation?

It changes from writer to writer, but for the most part, yeah- in my experience the writers that I’ve dealt with have allowed me a lot of freedom. Perhaps it’s because Mirage was what I consider a small-time publisher- everyone pretty much knew each other so I think there was this sense of familiarity and trust.

As for my creative process, there’s no trick to it really. I’ll usually have some germ of an idea and write it out more or less in outline form. Often, certain scenes that I want to highlight I’ll try to dialogue at that early stage. Occasionally, I’ll even have ideas about how I want to end the story and I’ll have to backward engineer events leading up to that. 

Do you have any special pencils or pens that you like to work with, and what is your view on digital pen tablets?

Yeah, every artist has their favorites. The pencil that I like right now is something called a Black Warrior. My favorite paper is Strathmore Bristol. With pens, I’ve been using some Japanese brush pens for the past few years- my favorite is the Zebra FD-301. More recently, I’ve taken to using the Pentel Pocket Brush—it features a waterproof ink that is required for use with watercolors.

I have no view on digital pen tablets, as I’ve never used one.

For the younger generation of Comic readers today, you were a participant at the Creator’s Bill of Rights drafting, could you explain your influence in the couple day event?

In all honesty, I don’t think that I had much of an impact on the Creator’s Bill of Rights.  Peter and Kevin were the influential ones- myself and the other Mirage artists were more secondary characters, in my opinion.

How was it like working with Tristan Jones for the first time on Tales #64 (out now)?

Awesome. Tristan’s a hell of a nice guy, as well as being a very talented writer. His enthusiasm for the Turtles is infectious. I’m gonna miss him a lot.

Can you hint at anything that might catch our eye in the second two pieces to the Donatello miniseries?

Not really. In the Don mini, my intent was to give a view of the character that might be a little different than what most people might think. The darker side of Donatello, if you will.

Currently, you’re working on quite possibly the last comic of the TMNT at least for a decent amount of time with Tales #70.  You stated that the story is set in Return to New York and that you’re replicating the process and feel of those comics back in the 80s.  Are there any other exciting things that this issue may contain?

The story will feature Raph, almost exclusively. Eric and I have in mind a fight scene that will be unlike anything that I’ve ever done, so I’m looking forward to how I’m going to choreograph that in the pencils. The book will also be done on the old school Duoshade paper so that should give it a classic RTNY feel, I hope.

With issue #70 focusing primarily on Raph, does this mean the story takes place right before the Turtles fight the Mutant Shredders?  Or does it focus on when he runs off when they’re in the foot base and Leonardo has to save him (one of my favorite frames of all comics)?

As to when Tales 70 takes place, it’s in that 3 or 4 day time period after Leo and Raph have that fight at the barn in Northampton. The story does take place in the NY sewers. I guess as sort of a prequel to issue 19.

Over the last 20 years you have drawn plenty of frames in comics, are there any that stand out to you as a favorite?  Or any issue that you had a lot of fun on?

A standout most certainly has to be the Leonardo mini-series, Blind Sight. Much of that book was done in white silhouette, and that gave it definitely a different look. As well, it was a real challenge to my drawing and design sense, as far as actually creating the art. Unquestionably the most memorable book that I’ve done.

How did you develop the style behind the silhouettes in Blind Sight?  I’ve often noticed that you’ve used the style (before and since then) for a single frame or two, is this a technique you like to use to establish a certain mood?

Simply yeah- the white silhouette was just that, kind of a drawing gimmick. It had a kind of visual power that you couldn’t help but notice, though. That’s I suppose, what attracted to it and made me want to take it to the next level.

You often post commissions on your blog, will you continue to do commissions and how would someone go about getting one?  What is the average cost?

I’ll continue to do commissions until I leave Mirage, most likely. When that day is though, I’m not entirely sure. That said, folks who want a commission need only to contact me at my email: jmlawsn@aol.com. Prices vary with the number of figures and complexity of the drawing. As far as a range, commissions are generally from $50.00 to $250.00. Most are in the $100-$150 neighborhood.

Despite having your job as a TMNT writer and artist for the last 20 years, are you excited for the break to try something new?

Absolutely, and I think that’s why I’m uncertain about the whole comics thing—part of me is really hungering for a new adventure, something totally different. It’s hard to imagine a future without drawing as being my bread and butter, but that certainly is a strong possibility.

Just for some general questions that you may have fun at:

What’s your favorite music/band/musician?

No question, REM is my favorite band.

If you hands down love R.E.M., then what’s your favorite song(s)?

Some of my favorite REM tunes are:
Walk Unafraid
E-Bow the Letter
7 Chinese Brothers
I’ll Take the Rain
Nightswimming

What type of Motorcycle do you ride?

Right now, I have 4 motorcycles—they are:
2005 Yamaha FJR 1300
2007 Moto Guzzi Griso
2009 BMW F800 GS
1979 Honda Ratwing

What are you currently reading?

I very recently finished “Endless Horizons” by Dan Walsh. Walsh is a sometimes columnist for several motorcycle magazines and this is his travelogue about a journey that he took to South America.

What is/are your favorite film(s)?

Films that feature some kind of adventure, I guess. But within that, everything from Hildago to The Road Warrior to Up to Kun Fu Hustle to Army of Darkness.

What is the comic that continues to inspire you?

Usagi Yojimbo amazes me. How Stan (Sakai) can continue to generate stories that are of a consistently high quality after all these issues- it’s stunning. I just bought the little hardcover/color comic that he just published, Yokai. It’s absolutely beautiful.

Once again, thanks to Jim Lawson for the interview, and I hope everything works out well for him and all of the Mirage crew.  I know that I’ll be their to support them in whatever their endeavors are because through the Ninja Turtles they’ve impacted my life astoundingly, and I hope they can continue work like that in their own lives and work.

Why do people become lonely?  Especially when that person is a loner.  I just don’t get it!  Will I ever meet a woman that’s interested in me?  I doubt it, but I can’t give up.  I have to force myself out of my comfort zone and start socializing more.  Things were so easy in the past.  Now things have to be more difficult and I hate it, but what can I do?  I hate living like this.

It’s been a year and a half since I met Erin.  I still miss her and I still regret how I never got to know her.  Even though we did talk I feel like I’ve blown my one and only chance to meet a woman that’s similar to me.  Will I ever meet another woman like her?  I doubt it, but I can’t let it it get to me.  I do have the potential to meet someone!  I just have to have faith in myself which is hard for me to do.

Am I missing out on life?  People that I’ve grown up with have either got married and have children or went to college.  It feels like I didn’t do a single thing to enhance my life.  Is this why I feel the way I do?  Is it too late for me?  I just want to meet a woman that I’m compatible with so I can be happy.  Skin color is not important to me so I’m not being overly selective.

Am I missing out?  That’s what my aunt said.  Am I jealous of my siblings?  I hate this so much!  Why can’t I ever be happy?!  Is it too late for me to do anything?  I just want to be happy.  That’s asking for too much though.  I’ll never be happy and I’ll never meet a woman that I’m compatable with.  I’ll be alone forever.  That is until I kill myself anyway.  Is this why I want to die so badly?

I don’t consider myself a loner. That just sounds super gay.

But you most likely won’t find me at crazy parties or “at da club”. It’s not because I don’t like people (okay, that might be a tiny reason),

but, I guess I just don’t know how to interact at those types of things.

Am I supposed to grind my ass on some random guy I’ve never talked to in my life?

or drinking shots until I’m passed out in a strangers bathroom alone?

Okay, I’m those examples are taking it to the extreme…

But I’ve always felt that the people who obsess with being the “party people” were truly scared insecure people who feared the idea of being alone.

I’m not that kind of person. I value having alone time occasionally.

And that’s just my opinion on the “party people” I’ve seen. I could be totally wrong…

But even just with friends, I’d rather just walk around and talk with them. Make fun of things. Watch movies. whatever…

I guess I’m just weird that I like to feel like if I’m talking to someone, that I actually have their attention.

A little personal touch! Everything is so impersonal now! It’s so pathetic.

I’d rather receive a hand-written letter/note than a myspace message.

I’d rather someone come and visit me than Skype me.

I’d rather get a hug from someone than a smile face on a text.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all of this technology stuff. It makes interacting a lot more convenient when a person is far, or if they’re just an acquaintance or something.

But if it’s someone near and dear to me, I want that personal touch. It shows that they care.

And I know I’m guilty of taking advantage of this technology and avoiding people and I’m trying to change that.

I want to meet all new people.

I want to go where nobody knows my name.

I want to go where nobody knows the people I know.

I’m also scared.

But the truth is, I’d really rather not meet new people.

I really would love to find something new in somebody I already know.

mkay. that’s it.

I really like this picture right now and I worked hard on it, so I’m going to keep showing it.

I don’t truly have but maybe two. Out of all the people I interact with, at the end of the day, only two of them are my friends. One of those people I happen to be in love with. So I only have one platonic friend. Should I be ashamed? Is there something wrong with me? Naaaah. I doubt that. I’ve come to the conclusion that I personally am a loner. It’s just meant to be that way. I’ve gone through so many terrible friends its actually crazy. I’ve had friends that…

!-talk shit about me behind my back. and then when addressed try to downplay it

!-friends that lie

!-friends that steal

!-friends that HATE when ppl touch they stuff or eat up their food but do the SAME shit to you.

!-borrow money and NEVER pay it back

!-borrow clothes and never give it back

!-are overly possesive

!-don’t remember all the good things you do.

!-are jealous

!-get all “vagina like” and get mad but dont wanna tell you why

and so much more that I honestly cannot remember right now.

The point is, i seem to attract these types of people. Maybe i have bad traits and its a reflection of me. Or maybe its just that i’m so chill and i wait too long to address wrong doings. But i just feel like i set the example by how i treat you. if i treat you well you should do the same. There are certain things i would never do to a friend that have been done to me its surprising yet hurtful. Since i don’t care to truly address it i just end up leaving the situation and eventually them alone. Let somebody else fix you, its not my job. I don’t have the energy for it. At the end of the day. Being alone is usually best. I just want female friends to stunt in the club with. Call me superficial but at this point in my life that’s all they good for.

As an additional book for the Fall Into Reading Challenge 2009, Second Nature was a good choice for its brevity and its unusual romance.

Author :  Alice Hoffman

First Publication Date :  February 1994

Publisher of First Edition :  G.P.  Putnam’s Sons

This Edition’s Publication Date :  April 1995  (mass paperback)

This Edition’s Publisher :  Berkley

ISBN 0-425-14681-2

No. of pages : 290

The Story :

An injured wildman is discovered by a pair of trappers and sent to a hospital for treatment and rehabilitation.  Having lived most of his life with wolves, Stephen, the “Wolfman”,  is considered unmanageable and his failure to assimilate himself in  human society signs his lifelong commitment to a mental hospital.  Before his transfer, Stephen risks asking help from Robin.  She helps him escape and teaches him to adapt socially.  Stephen learns to do so, little by little and in the process,  falls in love with her.   Meanwhile, animals around the neighborhood are being mysteriously murdered, their throats slit.   Soon, it is a little girl.  The neighborhood is terrified and they want their monster…

The Review :

If you pick up an Alice Hoffman novel, expect to always have a contemporary story steeped in a bit of fantasy or magic told in her lovely prose.  Second Nature tackles the human foible of judgement borne from fear and grief  and the  wonderful  inherent human propensity to love.

Hoffman’s writing style is graceful where her thoughts  segues seamlessly from one point to another.  She can move from pleasant to sinister without missing a beat.  The change is so subtle,  smooth and flawless; this is what I really appreciate in Hoffman’s style.

The Wolfman character is dealt with quite well, with Hoffman sketching a believable portrait of his emotions and his thoughts while the character tries to fit in a world he does not understand.

To Read Or Not To Read :

Some readers stay away from fantasy because one is required to “live in another world” while at it.  Hoffman, though, combines a sprinkling of fantasy in a vat of reality to come up with a sub-genre called “magic realism”.  Stories are contemporary with realistic characters and settings but the reader is still required to accept the magic or fantasy as a reality to be able to enjoy the genre well.

Hoffman revels in this genre.  With this book,  she seems to show a wonderful understanding of human nature,  its strengths and failures.

Unfortunately, there are some flaws in this novel, some absurdly unbelievable.  To cite an instance, Robin was able to take the Wolfman from the hospital without a furor being raised later over his whereabouts.  While gaffes like these would surely irritate some readers,  others, like me, may choose to ignore them and just go with the flow.   In doing so, you will  discover a novel with a lot of heart.

My Mark :  Quite Good!

]]> http://airbeans.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/does-coincidence-somehow-make-it-any-better/ Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:25:53 +0000 airbeans http://airbeans.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/does-coincidence-somehow-make-it-any-better/

Around the corner from our house while walking Mo the other day, my lover and I walked past some people getting into their vehicle.  For that moment, it was just the casual overheard snippet from someone else’s life. A voice from inside the car called to the shotgun passenger to grab her coffee from off the top of the car before he got in. I got it, he said, and he reached over. As people do, he and I made very brief eye contact. It was uneventful and unmemorable because there was nothing to think about it. At least not right then.

Mo is only about 4 months old and is in his early days of learning. As it happened, he and I were engaged in the patience required but still pleasant repetitiveness of puppy training – he pulls on his leash, I stop and ask him to heel, he does, he is praised, he smiles a satisfied puppy smile of a confirmed job well done and then… he pulls on his leash. Despite the slowing effect of this process, the three of us had almost made it home when I heard the sound of a car coming up from behind, a little too fast in a residential area I might add. I pulled Mo to the side to ensure a wide berth and as a protective parent would put an eye on the car just to make sure it stayed that way. Let me just pause here and remind you that this whole moment was just like any moment in a hundred moments on any day. And it is for this reason that it probably took what happened next so much longer to register.

I remember the moment in an oddly slow montage of pictures. The blur of a car that I had already forgotten. A coffee cup suspended midair. The rich creamy brown fluid spun into floral patterns. A cup skidding across the ground, somersaulting and ejecting the remains of its liquid. And then the sound of a splash marked the end.  Someone in the vehicle had thrown their coffee out the window as they passed by. The cup stopped rolling 2 meters ahead of me, but I know it left the car somewhere close to beside me. Was the timing of this a mere coincidence? That it would be right then that someone would decide to litter? Beside the only two people walking along an otherwise deserted road? Perhaps it is my own feelings about littering that would make me think that someone would at least have the decency to try to do it secretly, if at all. Or, maybe the fact was that it was just not accidental.

My lover wondered aloud if the coffee had been left on the roof after all, but my memory of that moment confirmed that it had not. Even the snapshot in my mind of the on-coming car showed nothing on the roof. The coffee had definitely been thrown from inside the car. It was just a question of why. After noting the possibilities, I think my lover and I both just shoved the thought into the far regions of our minds and didn’t discuss it again. But somewhere in my head I found I started to travel back to harder days.

A friend and I were walking down the street, our attentions busy in idle conversation. A beer bottle came crashing down at my feet, glass bits bouncing and nestling into crooks created by laces, my toes freckled with the dregs of ale. It was a startling moment and we weren’t sure what had happened. Dykes! An angry man’s voice yells and our heads snap up to attention. It was late at night and the street was lonely for people. Our eyes hastily searched for the source as our minds tried to recreate the bottle’s trajectory. Instead, we found another bottle hurtling through the air, this time towards my friends face. She managed to dodge it by whipping her whole body around seconds before it exploded on the wall behind us. Both visible gender queers, apparently our presence alone was enough to evoke random violent hostility. We took off running because we felt like we were out of time and it was the safest thing to do. We didn’t know where they were, how many there were or how many more projectiles they had.

My mind wanders back to the splash of cream spread across the road in front of me. It was another startling moment and again I couldn’t comprehend what had happened. I just stared at the cup. And waited. Was it just a hooligans’ prank to be cruel to the people around them? Or was it something more criminal than that? Of course, there are many possibilities. It may have just been an act of self-centered environmental indifference, it could have just slipped from the passenger’s grip. Regardless, it also became swept up into the grip of homophobia. It doesn’t really matter why it happened in the end, it is already enough that one doesn’t know the answer.

What am I?

I'm just an Aspergian loner with a boner.

Posted via email from HikiCulture – A Forum For Reclusive People (and Hikikomori)

Okay, so im very bored right about now. Its lunch time at school and the libary is closed so im sitting outside with my laptop. Its kinda cold. I dont really mind much. Im having some time along,for once, without people talking about me and yelling that i have swine flu.
I really pisses me off. Like, I went to a bloody doctor and was told im okay to be back at school. Does anyone give a fuck? No.
Also, I use my laptop to help me write note in my classes, Its easier for me, so in history this morning a guy in my class (Who has autism) Will walk over by my desk and watch me. I dont know about any of you, But that really pisses me off.Having people look over your shoulder at everything you do. I can understand my teacher doing it, to make sure im not on the internet fooling around and not doing class work. I feel so depressed today, It seems like my boyfriend is mad at me, Everyone is using me, and that im ugly.
I dont really wear make-up. i only do sometimes for my boyfriend or if im hanging out at the mall with my friends. I find it super pointless having to touch it up every second of the day.
I dont really know. i guess you can say that im rambling. But i dont care.
So, None of my family or friends really know about this blog. Im kinda happy for that. Since i dont have to worry about what i write and having them talking to me about the next day. Even though i dont use names, They would know.
I would like to thank Tim for always commenting and reading. I would also like to thank all of you, Who read this. Cause even though you dont know me face-to-face, You know more about me.
Zoey-Lynn

Online dating seems so simple. Just put up a couple interesting words about yourself and a picture …and there you go. I’ve never tried it because I’m afraid. And it’s not necessarily fear of rejection. It’s fear of my coworkers finding me on there. Funny, right? For some reason, I’m really afraid of that. I don’t want them to know that aspect of my personal life. I like to compartmentalize I guess. Sure, I can easily discuss my usual weekend plans of movies, cleaning the house, walking outside on a nice day and bargain hunting – but dating? No way! I can’t get too personal and open. As much as I like most of them, it seems like they know too much about me.

I really don’t have an interest in online dating right now except for curiosity. Who would respond to my ad? Is it worth a try? I don’t think I can even make time for giving it a shot right now.

The overall fear of ridicule (esp. of my appearance) and unhappiness have held me back for years. Everywhere I go I see all these attractive women and a big lack of decent guys. These women have douchebags because they are afraid of being alone. If hot women get with losers, is there any hope for the rest of us who are not perfect 10s?

Most of my peers are married now (some even divorced). Some have kids, while others plaster couple photos all over their social networking profiles. I remain antisocial and on the sidelines, somewhat unchanged in a way. This has caused a good chunk of people to question my sexuality. If I were gay, I would have come out years ago. I’ve changed in so many other ways, but remain the perpetual loner like I was when I was a little fat kid. Of course, it’s a choice as I believe life is about choices. It is a choice motivated by fear. It’s the one secret part of me that’s still immature when the rest of me projects a mature “put together” image for the world to see. The gal who gets her work done and has her “shit together.” Whose parents always tell her how responsible she is. The gal who pays her bills and doesn’t cause any trouble, yet sometimes has a harsh tongue that can shock. That gal who gets compliments everyday over her shoes, handbags and fashion. Yet she looks in the mirror and sees a monster.

You get into a routine where work consumes you and you prefer to spend your spare time sleeping, running errands and other solitary activities. The rare occasion where you go to a party or club full of people you don’t know scares you and makes you feel like a fish out of water. All of your close friends are married, so there are no single ladies nights. If you hang out with said friends, the husband usually has to come too.

The weird part is I’m not sad about my situation so much anymore. The worst of the pain is over. Eventually I’ll get old and nobody will want me. People keep telling me to enjoy my youth. I guess that means enjoying my health before it fails. Or enjoying my body before it sags.

I haven’t mentioned Golden Boy in a while because I don’t like him more than a colleague anymore. I think our personalities would clash; our horoscopes would confirm this. My fantasy feelings for him have been gone for a while. And now there’s really nobody to fantasize about.

I kind of live in my own world while going through the motions of living in the real world. Fantasy and escapism are key forms of recreation.

A couple months ago I noticed a handsome guy who works in my building. He’s on a different floor than me and isn’t really affiliated with my company. I have no clue about his name or what he does. I shared the elevator with him once or twice and he made some snarky comment about the drink I was carrying. I think I told him that there are worse addictions than $5 coffee drinks. I saw him the other day leaving late, going the opposite direction. He didn’t see me. He had a nice car and drove away. He looked good. I would like that for Christmas. This sounds stupid, but I secretly dream of a guy like that taking me out to a nice steak dinner at a nice steak house. We’d have wine and talk for a while. Then the fantasy ends. No sex, just a nice dinner. That image of me actually being taken out on a date by a handsome guy who is not a loser. Sure, I take myself out to nice dinners sometimes, but nothing high-end. I eat at home over 90 percent of the time anyways.

Buy The Lock-In. It is about a young lady is who raped, killed, and hidden in the deep freezer by her step father. Miss Kennedy Rivers, one of the ministers of Grace Church, decides to hold a lock-in to discuss with the other young people what happened and hoping to offer them some support. What hapens next is life changing and unexpected. These teens go from being in bondage to being set free. It is a great book and I know it will help someone. Click on the link below to buy.

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On November 8, 2008, I was invloved in a very terrible accident. I had just stopped at the stop sign, looked both ways mulitple times, and when i didn’t see anyone I went on across the rode. As I was going across the rode I heard a weird noise, so I looked to my right. When I looked to my right a SUV was coming at me at full speed. I didn’t know what to do. I tried stopping and even tried going in the other direction but before I knew it we were hit. I passed out as soon as the car hit my car. When I woke up the car was spinning. It went around three times before it came to a complete stop. All I could remember was that we were hit, I could hear Emma and Heather crying, I remember seeing blood everywhere, and I remember thinking that the car was on fire because there was smoke everywhere (I later found out that it was from the air bags). My chest and face was hurting so bad that I thought I was not going to make it. I started to panic. I felt trapped and Heather wasn’t crying anymore and she wasn’t moving. I thought she was dead. By the time I put my thoughts together and tried to get out of the seat belt, a man was at the window and he told me not to move. It was a fire man and he didn’t want me to move because he didn’t know how bad I was hurt. I closed my eyes for a second and said a quick prayer asking God to help us. When I opened them back up my door was opened and they took us all out of the car. Heather and I were strapped to a board and put in an ambulance. Her daughter Emma and her little friend were so scared to go in the ambulance that the firemen took them in their truck to the hospital. Once I got to the hospital they rushed me to a hospital bed and started checkiing my vitals and putting in IVs, and running all types off test on me. My heart rate was so high that they were talking about keeping me overnight. I was so scared. I didn’t have my phone and they kept calling me Jane Doe because I wasn’t talking to them. Everything was going so fast. It was like a ER show that I always watch. They gave me multiple doses of pain meds and none of them were working. I was crying but in my head I was praying. Things got worse when I found out that everyone else that was in the car with me was at a different hospital. My heart rate went up again and they kept telling me to calm down, but at that moment I could not. I can remember getting some relief when I heard my phone ringing. It seemed like everyone was calling me at the same time. They did not know what was going on but maybe I was on there mind. The nurses told me that they couldn’t answer my phone in the trauma room so when my phone stopped ringing they asked me if they could call someone for me to let them know what happened and to see who can come and be with me. I tried one friend but she wasn’t availiable and then I tried another friend and her and her mom came down to the hospital. One of the nurses told me to try and stand up. I was complining about my leg hurting but the test showed that it wasn’t broken so she wanted me to try and walk. She explained to me that if I walk I won’t have to sleep at the hospital. Of course I made myself walk even though I was in pain. They ended up releasing me a couple of hours later and gave me prescriptions for pain meds.

 I can truly say that after this accident my life has changed drastically. Nothing is the same for me. Most people don’t like change but this change has been sort of a good change. God had to show me that I can not always take care of everyone and leave myself hanging when I needed help. I had to learn how to accept help and let go of pride. I think it has always been hard for me to accept help from others because I am so independent and used to doing things on my own. I’m not saying this change was easy because it was not. I cried many days and wondered what was happening to my life. I just had to keep my trust in God. This change has made me even more stronger than I was and ha opened my eyes to see many different things.

My purpose for writing this today is to relate to the characters in my book and to explain how everone goes through something, but when it is all over we come out stronger and victorious. The characters in my book went through some terrible things but that day when they decided to go to the lock-in their lives changed drastically. They went from caged birds to birds that free. Free from whatever hurts from their past that was hunting them. My pastor’s wife, First Lady Newman, changed my way of thinking when she said over and over “It didn’t happen to you, but it happened for you”. Basically, whatever you have been or whatever you are going through is happening to help you not hurt you. Be blessed!

“You have to stay alive,”

she’d said,

on the way home.

We’d had a campout

for girl scouts.

I didn’t talk to anybody.

Nobody talked to me.

Afterwards, she was giving me a ride.

Afterwards, she let me into her car.

She gazed at me from the driver’s seat,

letting the van slow down around the curves.

“I have this creepy feeling,” she’d let on,

clearly perturbed.

The sun poked down through the trees.

Green again.  Springtime.

No one had talked to me for the entire trip.

Not one girl.

I was a loner.  I kept to myself.

Stayed in the woods.

She was looking at me from the driver’s seat,

pleading, with her eyes.  Afraid.

“Stay alive,” she’d said.

“The time will come when they will need you.”

I dagens    har jag en debattartikel publicerad.

Där skriver jag bl.a.:

Nu är avtalsrörelsen på gång. Fackföreningsrörelsen formulerade häromdagen både rimliga och kloka krav på löneökningar, som principiellt sett inte kan betraktas som annat än förenliga med en god samhällsekonomi.

Sedan många år har vi i Sverige haft en lönebildningsmodell som bygger på idén om solidarisk löneutveckling i alla branscher. Det innebär att alla branscher och företag ska betala ungefär samma löneutveckling. För mig är det en självklar utgångspunkt.

Alternativet är ökade skillnader mellan människor och stagnation.

Sverige får inte bli ett land vars företag ”lever på” låglönekonkurrens. Istället ska vi konkurrera med kunskap och förädlingsvärde.

Läs hela artikeln här!

I should really be asleep now, but I haven’t updated this in a while and felt like doing so tonight.

Hmm… Well I did get the job I was talking about in my last post, go me. Been working there for a while now, it’s in a café. I guess it was pretty hard to begin with, all the anxiety issues and whatever… But I’m kind of used to it now, the people who work there are generally nice and I’m trying my hardest to not let it bother me anymore, I just want to work and get paid, I try not to let the social part of it ruin anything for me. It’s ruined so much already…

I’m mainly working towards saving up to move out, I feel like my time living here with my family here is done. I’ve had enough of just about every member of my family, even when I try to ignore them they still bother and hassle me, I’m so very far beyond tired of the petty arguments there are in this house. The only person I can tolerate lately has been my dad, but even he can be hard to get on with. Hopefully I can move out near the start of next year anyway, a new beginning?

Generally I’ve been okay since I last updated. Which is weird, I would usually have had a really low point in how I felt by now. Someone who was a big part of my life for 5-6 years is now no longer a part of my life… Mostly by my own doing, it’s just something I had to do. I know whenever they were in my life no good ever really came of it. Just longing, or depression.  It’s weird now I guess… At least there’s no more wondering or “what if’s”. I don’t know what to think about it, still. I think I’m better off without them. Hm. Not really sure what else to say tonight so I’ll just end it there I guess.

I’m a green sim. My name is Tina. I am in high school, my schedule is from 8 am to 2 pm. And I already met all the friends at my school.

Favorites

Music: rock
Food: pizza
Colour: green

Skills
Handiness – 4
Fishing – 0
Writing – 5
Charisma – 8
Gardening -0
Logic – 6
Cooking -1
Guitar – 1
Athletic – 4
Painting – 2
Collecting – 2
Photography – 5
Martial Arts – 0
Nectar making – 0

Traits
Commitment Issues
Great Kisser
Loner
Neurotic
Clumsy

Lifetime wish

Golden Tongue, Golden Fingers

Earlier, Elizabeth changed her facebook status to ‘needs new friends’ and I can’t help thinking that maybe I do too…

For Halloween I was at Green Day, but if I didn’t have plans to do that… I don’t know what I would have done – probably gone to work then home and watched X Factor. Today’s bonfire night and I don’t have any plans for that, either. It really sucks, it’s my favourite week of the year and I hate not doing anything because I have to wait a whole year even to have the chance to do it again but I just don’t have the friends for it.

I’m not exactly Miss Popularity at the minute and my social life leaves much to be desired. The thing is, it doesn’t really bother me that much until it gets to a day when I really want to do something and just can’t find anyone who wants to. I could quite happily go to uni and talk to the bare minimum amount of people, go to work and talk to whoever I’m working with, then come home and spend the night in watching TV.

Damn I’ve changed.

I used to hate being stuck in the house, I wanted to be out doing something every night, but now when I’m out I’m often just thinking about when I get to go home haha. Someone get me a life, quick! I need new people who can be real friends and not just ’someone I know’. I appear to be everyone’s ’someone I know’ – they all have their own group of friends who they do most things with, I’m just the extra who they sometimes talk to, sometimes see, but aren’t counted as one of their MAIN friends. I need to get some main friends of my own. Can you get them on eBay?

Did you bring a pie to this pity party? haha. I don’t mean this to sound like a pathetic post or anything. I mean I’m not all depressed and lonely or anything, it doesn’t even cross my mind most of the time. I’m quite happy with my life… It would just be easier if when I wanted to do things there was someone to do them with who doesn’t live 3 hours away from me…

Have a happy song. Chumbawumba – Tubthumping ♫ http://blip.fm/~fvu6v Enjoy!