Dear John,

Our latest phone conversation was very enlightening. First, I realized that any hope of us ever being a couple (however deeply imbedded in my subconscious I believe this hope to be) is now dead and buried. Last night was a sort of unveiling, if you will. I saw the real you and the real you and I will never ever ever share an intimate moment ever again...Ever.

It's about time our "ambiguous relationship," as we've so often referred to it, finally come to an end. I've suspected this for quite some time but I suppose I was waiting for a final push. Of course, what I got from you last night was more like a violent shove; however, the end result is the same.

Enough is enough. What are we doing here? Prolonging the inevitable? Clinging to the past? Killing time? Continuing our, "ambiguous relationship" is stupid. We're not in love, as last night's revealing conversation proved to me. We're not even in like, as last night's revealing conversation proved to me. We are nothing and if we continue, you are going to drive our little "nothing" into a negative value. Not that I think there is anything positive about it right now.

Jon you aren't a heartbreaker; you don't drive girls crazy, like you think. But you are deceiving in that you seem so sensitive..And you are. You are sensitive. But you're also just so dumb and immature that people wind up getting hurt b/c no one could ever estimate how dumb and immature you actually are. Well, your mental deficiencies have just cost you one hell of an ambiguous relationship!!

Let's just quit while you're far behind.

Nice knowin' ya, Douchebag.

Sincerely,

Mymouthisbig

So a lot of people have expressed their sentiments on the previous post. They’re not really concerned about my health but are more concerned on “the boyfriend” issue on that blog. A lot of my friends have violent reactions and quite a few can understand why I did what I did.

Friends, family and lovers – your sentiments are duly noted. You may not agree with me but I have my reasons why I chose to be “silly”, “a martyr in love”, “delusional”, “bitten by a love bug”, “optimistic in a crazy way” etc. etc. But believe me, martyrdom is not my cup of tea and optimistic??? Me???? I am the word “pessimist” personified cloaked in an optimist’s coat. I pretend to be positive but in reality I worry too much about petty things. Bitten by a love bug? I sure am bitten by a bed bug, but love bug??? I don’t think so.

So, why did I choose to stay in a relationship which is headed to a cliff? I’m not a martyr… I’m not delusional in love… I’m not bitten by a love bug…. And I’m not crazy. I just know how to value time with people who makes me happy and are special to me.

Telling me to break-up with the guy because the relationship is not going anywhere anyway and I will be wasting my time and will in turn give me a harder time to move on after he leaves is like telling me to not be happy when my mother visited me here in Dubai because she will leave after one week anyway and I will in turn be very lonely again when she leaves.

Telling me that I should not waste too much time because I know that it will end soon anyway is like telling me that I should not have showed concern and love to a friend of mine who died of cancer when I was in college and knowing that she will die soon, we all have spent much of our time with her thru phone calls, chats, emails and mini-get together parties as we know that her time on earth is numbered. It’s like telling me that I have wasted my time with that friend who I know is going to die anyway.

Ok, so the boyfriend is not exactly family nor is he dying. But I am like this, with all the personal experiences I’ve had I learned how to value the people around me and the time I spend with them. You’ll know this if you’ve been a friend of mine for long. You’ll know how I usually bug my friends to meet me up for coffee, lunch, dinner, movies and the whatnots. I never forget people who made me laugh and truly cared for me. So with this, I know that I am happy when I’m with the boyfriend and I value him like how I value my friends. Life is too damn short for us to be unhappy. And if spending time with the boyfriend makes me happy, then it’s not going to be a waste of my time right?

I know myself and I know it will be hard for me to move on but I also know that I will be able to move on no matter what. So might as well just enjoy the time I have left with him and then do whatever needs to be done afterwards. Just be happy and not feel that dreaded feeling of asking myself the question “what if?” or worst, to tell myself the phrase “I should have…”.

Get me? No? Ok then you’re stupid, stop reading my blogs.

We're gonna stay together forever...or until we get to college and grow apart/find better options.

Upon graduation, my high school sweetheart and I left for different universities in the same city, vowing to stay together, no matter what. “No high school couple lasts beyond their first semester freshman year,” someone told me, to which I replied with a scoff and an eye-roll. That kind of advice was meant for bicoastal couples separated by thousands of miles, and people who just weren’t committed enough to making it work. I resolved to survive the turkey drop.

But by the middle of second semester, I had unceremoniously ended a four-year relationship, citing midterms and the “different directions” in which our lives were headed. What was once was a comfortable refuge ultimately felt stifling, and the messy breakup regrettably tainted years of good memories for a long time after. But I had to do it and it was definitely worth it in the long run.

For those contemplating the High School Sweetheart Breakup (and those of you who are and just refuse to admit it), here’s why it might be better to shelve your boyfriend’s varsity jacket with the rest of your senior yearbook memories:

1. Long distance sucks.
You may have promised to stick together whether you were 30 or 3,000 miles apart, but the truth is, maintaining a long distance relationship is hard. Spending time together isn’t as simple as it used to be; now you have to drive across state lines or fly hundreds of miles every other weekend, cutting into the amount of time you have to catch up on homework, hang out with new friends, or simply explore your new settings. Plus, nobody wants to have to turn down potential weekend plans with, “Sorry, I’m driving to Ohio again to see my boyfriend.”

2. Your interests will change (and so will his).
The two of you shared a bunch of friends and dominated Wii doubles tennis together, so who’s to say you have nothing in common? Though not all high school relationships are affairs of convenience, many of them are, especially if your senior class was only 50 people big. College opens you up to a slew of experiences, and along with discovering you like volleyball and theater (who knew?), you’ll probably switch majors at least twice before you figure out what you really want. Ditto boyfriends. If your nightly marathon phone calls are dwindling down to awkward silences, maybe you guys have less in common than you thought.

3. You’ll be too busy for a serious relationship. No, really.
Between juggling 18 credit hours and trying out for the swim team and joining eight student organizations, free time is hard to come by for a college freshman. There will be many occasions down the road in which you will invariably use the excuse, “I just have too much going on right now to be in a relationship,” but this time, it might actually be true.

4. There are other fish in the sea, and other guys on the quad.
That said, you are going to want to date other guys. I repeat: you are going to want to date other guys. “No!” you protest, “I love my boyfriend, and we’ve gone through so much together.” That may be true, but there is something to be said for the appeal of (and conversely, the fear of) the unknown. Ask yourself frankly: Do you kinda maybe want to see what else is out there, but are afraid of being on your own after so long? Do you wish there were some sort of trial separation you could undertake without fully letting go of your boyfriend? Do you want your own crazy singleton stories? If the answer is yes, it may be time to jump ship (and go fishing).

5. He’s a boyfriend, not a security blanket.
Moving away from home and living on a campus with hundreds, if not thousands, of strangers is definitely daunting at first. That is, until you meet all the awesome people on the floor of your dorm, start exploring the local shops and restaurants, and figure out that the quickest way to get to your poli sci class is through the math building. Holding on to a hometown relationship can be the easiest way to seek stability amid the chaos of settling down in a new campus, but is that really a reason to stay in a relationship? Yes, there exists the rare person who marries his or her high school sweetheart and lives happily ever after, but if you’re only calling your “love” when you need a little comfort and consoling, you are not that person. Face it: it’s just cruel and selfish to stay with a guy only because he reminds you of home. If that turns out to be the case, in the immortal words of Liz Lemon, “shut it down.”

I had a light bulb moment last Thursday that has made me breathe easier and most likely helped Tony breathe easier (and might possibly help those of you who are on the slower track to marriage breathe easier as well).

It all started last week when one of my high school girl friends got engaged.  Then one of Tony’s good friends from college proposed to his girl friend.  And then (thanks, Facebook) the 3^rd engagement was his ex-girlfriend.

On one of our quick phone dates between boot camp and pool we were talking.  My smartass self asked him if he was “okay” with his ex-getting engaged and he said he was glad.  Then he continued on to say the only negative feeling whatsoever is because even if he wanted to propose he couldn’t because he doesn’t have the means.  Hearing that statement as if he doesn’t want to propose made me feel like, well, an idiot.  I always thought he wanted to marry me.  I mean, duh, why not?!

So then I asked (kind of freaking out but not really), “Wait, even IF you wanted to??”  Then he quickly emphasized that of course he wants to but our current situation (bi-coastal) is not ideal in doing so at the moment and of course, not having an actual income as a graduate student.  So then the “Girl Power/Independent Woman” in me decides to say, “Well that’s fine.  I mean I’ve already done a lot as a single female.  I already have my own place, I’ve had 2 careers, and by the time I get married I will have gone through my 20s single accomplishing this and that without a partner where other girls have the luxury of having someone to accomplish these things with.”  I was about to lose my shit.  My grand cherry on the top was, “Well, whenever you feel ready I hope I even want to still get married because what’s the point really???”  (Can we say, Snarky Bitch?)

This whole time Tony remains completely put together and calm.  Replying, “Well, I would hope you would see the point in me wanting to marry you” and also, “Do you not feel like we aren’t there for each other right now as support?”  (I don’t know how he does it, it being putting up with my freak outs and well, of course I feel his support even from 3,000 miles away but that wasn’t my point.)

The first round of pool playoffs were awaiting me and we had to end the conversation in the meantime.  While I was sitting watching my teammates play I had an epiphany so as soon as I got in my car I whipped out my phone.  I said, “Bottomline:  I want you.  I’ve always wanted to get married but for whatever reason, if it never happened for us, that would be okay because being with you is more important to me.  I don’t care as much about the what as much as I do the who.”  This (well there was more but that was the key part) was my proposal to him and he reciprocated like feelings and reassured me in saying that he wouldn’t know why marriage wouldn’t happen for us.

The voice in my head that caused me to have this epiphany pretty much said, “You idiot.  Do you know how lucky you are to have someone in your life like this?  Someone smart, a goal-setter and goal-getter.  Someone that nurtures your lifestyle instead of slowing you down??  Focus on that and forget all the outside noise.  That shit doesn’t matter.”  And that voice was right – it’s not a race (I’m competitive by nature, sorry!).  What creates a valuable, quality relationship is not a ring on a finger or a legal document, it’s exactly what we already have and continue to invest in and I am without doubt,  so grateful for that.

Where are all the guys?!

We were all sitting around eating Christmas cookies and gossiping at our last girls’ night before the craziness of finals began. As tends to happen at any girl session, the topic quickly turned to boys. Or on this particular night, it was the lack of available boys that seemed to dominate the discussion.

One of my friends was seriously fed up with the selection of college guys. “Seriously, there are zero boys that any of us would actually date here!” she griped while French braiding my roommate’s hair. (I know – it was pretty 7th grade up in there.)  “I’m asking for a cat for Christmas!”

While her complaints about the lack of datable boys might be a bit dramatic (there’s no need to bring cats into the picture yet!), I realized she was completely right. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time any of my friends met a single boy they actually liked.

With more girls than boys entering college these days, the national girl to boy ratio for college students is 60:40. And that’s boys total, including the ones with girlfriends, the creepsters, the d-bags and the weird ones who always smell like mildew.  If we’re just counting the eligible dudes, I’d say there’s only about 5. The numbers are totally stacked against us, making meeting a potential boyfriend damn near impossible. 

It doesn’t seem that way, of course. On any given Friday night (when you’re 2 sheets and 12 Miller Lites to the wind) you are surrounded by guys. Sandwiched between them, even. You feel hopeful as you strike up a conversation with the cute guy next to you (after he accidentally shoves you into a wall) and hit it off. “I finally found one!” you think to yourself.

And then he casually mentions his long distance GF who’s flying in in the morning. Or worse, a long distance BF.

Or maybe you find one that is single. And cute. And charming. So you let the vodka cranberries do the talking and follow him outside for a little make out sesh. “Cute and a good kisser?” you think as he takes your hand and walks you back to his place. “I think I’m in love.” Of course, he’s not thinking the same thing. In fact, the minute you retrieve your pants from under his bed in the morning he’s already forgotten your name and you head back to your room, mascara smeared across your face, still single.

And so it goes, weekend after weekend after weekend. And you keep trying because people always talk about meeting their boyfriends/husbands in college. But the result is always the same. It’s mentally exhausting. It’s expensive. And putting on heels every weekend to make your legs look good is wreaking havoc on your feet.

Going to school in the middle of Chicago, I never thought there would be a shortage of men. In fact, walking through campus and seeing all the boys scurrying off to class, I always expected my possibilities to be endless. But that is most definitely not the case. It seems that no matter how hard I try and no matter how many guys there seem to be, there really aren’t many fish in the college sea.

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This will be the last time I rant about this. Its a personal blog, so you will read a little bit of everything here.  I know there are far worse things I could be going through, but I had to get it out….once and for all all in one place.

It’s been 275 days since I’ve seen him. Or made love to him. Or  chased him around a store.  Or watched him play that stupid Xbox. Since his skin has been on mine. I miss holding his hand and kissing him. My ears miss his laugh.  23,760,000 seconds since I’ve heard it in person. These past few weeks have been rough. I’m an insomniac, but I’ve been up crying lately. My nose misses the smell of him scrubbing his boots and the way his uniform smells. 396,000 minutes.  I miss people always pointing at us because we laugh too loud, flirt too much and look too in love. My eye’s miss his smirk after he’s told me a joke. 6600 hours I miss this taste of him. His lips, his neck, I miss the taste of every inch of him.  If he had gotten me preggers…..I’d be ready to pop.  I miss the was he slurps way to loud on ramen noddles.

I miss feeling like the only woman on the planet. I miss him running up behind me throwing me on his shoulder and running around in circles. l know it seems like I’m belaboring this…..but damn it, it got extended.  Yes, technically we are ex’s…..but since the break up (it’s been a year) we cant take any relationship seriously.  Every man I talk to tells me, I’m too in love with J to consider dating.  I know I am and I haven’t been on a date in months, because my heart is in the middle east. I miss my soldier. I miss him swearing like a sailor and getting mad because I told him he does something like a sailor. I know he will be home soon.    This has been the longest 275 days my fucking life.  R& R was amazing, but not long enough.  I promise….I’m done moaning about this…….

I
hate
deployment

and

I hope I can be cheery this Christmas.

I’m going to bake him some cookies and get a care package together….hope they get there by new year.

I’d like to thank our Men and Women that serve us all over the world.  You mean a lot.

As I was driving to Norfolk on Monday for classes, I realized that it was the last Monday morning I’ll drive to ODU for classes. It’s bittersweet actually. I started out the semester out of my comfort zone, commuting to a new university, away from my home of Virginia Tech. It was very different. For one, living at home. And driving 45 minutes to class (on a GOOD day with no traffic…however, it was more like 60 minutes when there was traffic). But regardless, I believe I grew up a lot this semester. I treated school more like a career, rather than dragging myself to class just because. I truly enjoyed every one of my classes, and I feel like my professors were so knowledgeable and personable, much more so than professors I had while at Tech. Granted, I still know many Tech professors who are excellent people. While it was always supposed to be for only one semester, I would probably have considered staying at ODU if it were not for me graduating early from Tech in May 2010. I knew that if I remained at ODU, I would have to go to school for one more year in order to complete all of their “core classes” before graduating. So, I will be back at Tech in the Spring…hopefully it will be a good semester and I’ll be able to fully enjoy my last few months in Blacksburg!

So I’m nearing the end of my ODU career, and I truly believe that it was one of my favorite semesters of college, if not the favorite. My grades have reflected how much I enjoyed all of my classes, as well as how focused I was during the semester. Okay, okay…I know most of my friends think that I enjoyed ODU because my boyfriend also attends there, but actually we did not see each other that often around school. Okay, maybe once or twice a day…haha. Yes, I was very blessed to be able to see him on a regular basis, unlike last year being at Tech. We only saw each other a few weekends during the semesters, and it was a challenging long-distance relationship. However, we  learned that it is possible and it makes each time we’re together that much more special! Now, just one more semester apart…then summer…and then probably even FARTHER apart while I’m in law school…but it’s going to be fine

Now…Christmas is almost hereeeee! That is enough to make my life seem perfect right about now, even with all the papers I’ve been writing lately. I think I’ll be sooo tired of my laptop by the time this semester ends! On Sunday, I went with my family and my boyfriend to Williamsburg, VA for the Grand Illumination. It is a tradition in my family, and its such a wonderful night to get everyone in the Christmas spirit! First off, I am a sucker for colonial history, and since we live nearby Williamburg, I’ve been there more times than I can count. By the way, they have AWESOME outlet stores if you’re ever in the area! Anyways, the Grand Illumination is so great and its old-fashioned, so you get to enjoy the hot cider, fresh gingerbread, and the warm fires burning in front of the historic buildings. All at once, the “lighting” of the town occurs, which is basically candles that are lit in all the windows downtown. Right after, there is a magnificent fireworks show that is better than any other I’ve seen. They have some of the most unique fireworks, too. This year did not disappoint, either. The weather was perfect and just cold enough…it felt like the holidays were finally upon us! People were walking around singing Christmas carols, and had it not been for the abundance of cell phones attached to people’s ears(!), it would have seemed like we were living in the past. I highly recommend making a trip to see it next year!

Speaking of Christmas…I’ve done NO shopping!!! I feel like December is already going by so quickly, and I’m still sitting home doing work pretty much all the time. Ahhh…just til Friday. Have to keep reminding myself! I cannot wait until the holiday parties begin…two of them are only a week and a half away, so that’s exciting! Shopping and cookie-baking are definitely in order very soon…can’t wait!

-xoxo

вопрос? Pregunta? 问题? Question?! Email TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com and Aunt Tuffy will do her best to answer that shiz!!!

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I am currently in a long-distance relationship for 7 months. We dated for nearly 2 months before we flew home to our separate cities, and are keeping our relationship steady by phone calls, IMs and emails.

However, something has been bugging me a lot. I met my current BF on study abroad, and before we got together I was cheating on my then-BF with another guy. I made excuses to justify my cheating on my ex with this guy: he made me feel attractive in ways my ex never did, the excitement and rush of doing something wrong, and loneliness of being away from home. After all, he did pursue me aggressively, but I eventually broke down. I did not initiate the affair. Soon enough, I realized what I did, and was utterly disgusted with myself.

At that point, my current BF and I were starting to become more than just good friends. He’s different from the any guy I’ve met before because he is genuine about having a relationship and he took things really slowly. I was starting to have real feelings for him, and began to seriously reconsider what the hell I have been doing all this time with the cheating. I called it off with the guy I was cheating with and swore to myself that never again will I go back to him.

Several months have lapsed now. I am happy in my current relationship. My current BF never found out about this guy (even though the two guys have met before). But somehow I have this nagging feeling that I should let my BF know about this. I learned from my mistake and swore never to return to that again. But now that I’m again in a long-distance relationship I’m afraid that my current BF might cheat on me. I know there is no reason to think this way because I trust him more than anything and we have both flown more than 20 hours both ways to visit each other over the past 3 months. I’m afraid of karma. I’m hoping that by telling him it will relieve me of the burden of holding this secret inside me, and make me less guilty for what I did. Also, when my ex finally returns, I will also apologize to him in person, and hope to bury the past behind me.

Tuffy Luv, what should I do?
– Reformed but afraid of karma

Dear “Reformed,”
Girl, you should be afraid of karma because you got a whole lotta shiz coming to you for what you did.

Okay, first, before I unleash the Wrath of Tuffy, let me just say that I want to commend you on trying to make amends. It is admirable that you’re going to apologize to your ex, since you don’t really gain anything from that. So I give you credit for that.

But that’s about where my sympathies end.

To be honest with you, I don’t believe that you wouldn’t cheat again. First of all, it’s only been a little over half a year. You haven’t exactly been sober for long. I hope you continue on this path, because it sounds to me like you really do mean well, but so far you haven’t proven anything. So don’t go giving yourself a halo for 7 months of being cheat-free.

My advice to you would be to, yes, tell your boyfriend what happened. But, please, do it over the phone. Don’t do it in an email, where it’s easiest and most hurtful. And don’t wait till he flies 20 hours to see you. Frankly, he deserves to know this before he flies the 20 hours.

You haven’t done anything wrong to him. So, like, you don’t have to feel guilty for that. But you did start the relationship off on a very dishonest note, especially since he knows the other guy.

And, frankly, your “justifications” for cheating are lame. So I wouldn’t mention that to him at all.

If you want to try to keep this guy without entirely losing his trust, I suggest you come completely clean to him. But also tell him how much you care about him and that you would never cheat on him.

Of course, history speaks volumes, so whether or not he chooses to believe you is his choice.

Maybe I’m being too hard on you. After all, you know what you did was wrong and you’re trying to do something to right it. And really, I applaud you for that. But it’s this little line that really grates my cheese: “I’m afraid of karma. I’m hoping that by telling him it will relieve me of the burden of holding this secret inside me, and make me less guilty for what I did.”

Repeat after me: You will always be guilty for what you did, because you did it. Cheating is not the worst crime in the world, but it certainly doesn’t show great character. Learn from your mistake and don’t do it again, come clean to your boyfriend, and apologize to your ex–these are good things to do, and I’m proud of you for knowing that and for doing them. But please, don’t think it undoes anything. Everything has consequences.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

I flew home and arrived on Monday morning, dreading the next 10 weeks away from him but looking forward to my birthday spent with my kids that week. Three and a half days later, on Thursday I got the phone call.

The phone call I hope with all my heart I never get again.

Within a couple of hours, I had booked my flight, made my phone calls, and was on the way to the airport. The kids called their dad and arranged to be picked up and stay with him, and closed up the house for me.  Then I ran. A drive to the airport and a shuttle ride I don’t remember, a nearly 3 hour delay as the plane arrived late and had to be prepared for the long flight, 10 hours in the air, a 45 minute taxi ride to the hospital, and then those doors.

And fear.  I was so afraid.

When I saw him there, hooked up to all the monitors, wires and tubes, and looking like shit but alive…I finally got my breath back. When he opened his eyes and smiled at me, I wanted to fall down on the bed with him and nearly did. He slept most of that first day and night I was there and I didn’t take my eyes off him.

Because he’s a hard-headed Scot, he was too stubborn to stay in bed. By the next day he was walking the (very short) hallway, and the day after that they let us out on the grounds with strict orders to stay “very close”.

Which is what we did for the rest of the week. We walked every inch of the hospital grounds, including the forest pathways through the trees.

And back and forth to the little coffee shop where we made friends.

And on day 4 we snuck out. It sort of became a necessity when we both ran out of clean clothes, and we had to buy at least one change of pajamas. Also, in my panic, I forgot to throw extra underwear in my bag (Ahem) . The day after that I took my first solo trip into Rio to find a few more things we would need.

When he got the all clear after a week, we went home with strict instructions. Take your meds, no smoking, no stress, no work for a while and walk every day.

There are worse places to do your rehab.

Going back to the states that time was the hardest one yet. All I could think was, what if I lost him? Why am I leaving? How do we do this?

Long distance. Life is too short to keep that distance. Our time is coming.

Some times its easy to forget.

With all the stuff that has happened and felt over the past 3 and a bit years, it is easy to forget the little things.

Especially when I have been caught up in my emotions, and trying to give a little structure to something I can barely understand.

But I was just looking through my old Myspace account (anyone remember that drop in the ocean Myspace?) and looking through my myspace emails as I was looking for an address.

Myspace…….ha, back in the day!!

Any way, I just stumbled across Kelli’s deleted myspace account, but it still has all of her messages that she has sent me in my inbox.  I got this for my birthday about 15 months ago.  Made me smile that she had made the effort with this.

There is a man across the sea
He is always trying to get to me
There will be a time
Of celebration and wine

Getting together and making things right
With bad things behind us and out of sight
He’ll play his guitar some
Singing songs with a little hum

Until death do us part
You will always have my heart
Making me a proud and happy wife
I will always love having you in my life

Happy Birthday I love you

Kelli

*my god… could i be any cheesier*

I like to think that I am pretty good at poetry. I have been freelancing my poetry for a few years now, so I like to think I am good. (others may beg to differ).

I really like that she did this. Made me smile. The playfulness and fun in this, is pure and sincere.

So where are we now?

As I right this now, I am up to date with this story (see, entry 16).   So if there is anymore to it, it will be as new to you as it is to me.

After the hectic and emotional summer, and all of the heated emails, things are simple at the moment.  Kelli has been in regular contact since July.   Since opening up and saying what I felt, rather than what I thought she wanted to hear, I have let all my feelings that were bottled up out.   I am no longer angry or frustrated with her.   If I hear from her, AWESOME.  If I dont, oh well.

• It is just over 2 years to the day that we met each other.
• I have not spoken to her on the phone in 11 months.
• I have not seen a picture or her since June.

I have invested so much energy and emotion trying to have a degree of control on a situation that floats in the wind.

The truth of the matter is this.   I prayed to meet Kelli long before I ever met her,  maybe even years before.  I have never been as happy with another woman as I have with Kelli.  The 12 days I spent with her, surpass everyone else in a heartbeat.  All of them together.  Having feelings gives meaning and perspective to everything before and after meeting her.  It is not a ‘traditional’ relationship, but I think maybe part of me likes the fact it is not conventional.

As it stands at the moment, every time I get an email from her, I am grateful I am still in her heart.  More importantly, I am really happy for her that she is happy and she has meaning in her life.   Things SEEM to be going well for her.  I guess I am almost proud of her.   She may have dug her own hole and wallowed in it a bit, but she also said that she was not putting up with that shit, and she is getting/ has gotten herself out of it.  Some people do not.

Sure, I’d love to see her again.  I’d love us to webcam again.  I’d love to talk on the phone.

Right now, I am just glad she is happy.

So, I had a lot of time to think about everything.  I was being logical and thoughtful.  I was calm.  I had an awesome holiday.  I was not sad.  A little disappointed.   I was not angry or in a heighten state, but I was a lot clearer about where my head was.

The Greatest Love Story Ever Told?  Well, certainly MY greatest love story was over.   I hated it and I knew it.  It was time to end it.

It was over.

So I told Kelli in an email.  I explained that I couldnt not make anything any easier for her, but I was still hard up, and I wished her well and I hope that she finds what she is looking for, but it was clear that it was not me.

I got a reply back a few days later explaining why she did not meet me, but I bit my lip. It was a large response, but I was disappointed I think.   I knew the trip would not have been like the Oklahoma extravaganza, but it would have been nice to at least meet and see each other.   Even for a few hours.  Even as friends.   But I read it, and then went out with friends.

I think even though I was calm, part of me was quite angry.  And I had no way of releasing that anger and hurt and disappointment.

I know about 6 other friends that had dated american women, and not one of them had a scenario like this.   So why was mine different?  Why was I having all this grief and why were all their relationships working out.  Because it was not a 2 way effort.   I was doing all the calling, all the emailling, all the planning………..and getting nothing back.   The truth of the matter was, I was more in love with the memory of Kelli and being with her, than the current reality.   And it had not been a steady relationship, since she has left Michigan the first time.

There needs to be fuel to constantly feed the fires of love, and there was none.    That night, I sat opposite some of best friends that I have know a long time, people that had seen me go through all of this on a day to day basis, and drank and listened to them voice their opinions about Kelli.  For several hours.  And I got very drunk.  After 2 yrs of biting their tongues, they all told me what I already knew, but did not want to accept.

And when I got home, I miraculously typed the biggest email I have every written her.   Seeing how drunk I was, that was a miracle.   Looking back on it, I am surprised the grammer was so well, but I was drunk and it all came pouring out.  I wanted her to know how I felt, without me being polite about it all.   I typed and typed.  And then hit send.  And went to bed.

What have I done?

The next day, nursing a sore head, at some point, I got on to my email.  In in my sent box, I had sent Kelli a huge email.  With a  glass of water, I re-read everything, and I was split.   I had said quite a lot, and I think I had been quite hurtful.   Now I am not one of these eye for an eye people, but I had not held back.   It was a angry email, and even though I was dissapointed with what had happened since Kelli and I had last seen each other, it was not an accurate portrayal of how I felt.    Not only in this instance, but in life, when I am worked up, I tend to not think thing through.   I’ll shout before I think of what I am saying, and then I regret it when i have had time to reflect.  Especially when hurt and angry.   That’ll be my moon in Aries.

Part of me regretted saying it, because it was not a true reflection of where my head was, but I was also glad that I had let her know what the whole thing had done to me.   It felt better to have let her know, but I had gone about it the wrong way

But she sent me an email after a few days saying;

” That was the most hateful, hurtful letter I have ever recieved.
Im sorry.
and,
Good-bye

I dont want to hurt you.  I never wanted to hurt you.

I will always love you, but I think you said everything you could have.

This will be the last email I send you.

Always
Kelli “

What had I done.

So……I went for a walk, and I thought about what I had wanted to say for a long time, but I had always watched my tongue.  I thought about it for a few days.

Then I re-worded my epic email to be more of a true reflection of what I thought and felt.   And I sent that instead.

I got an email back from Kelli about a week later.

Seeing as her blog is not up, and maybe never will be, I have posted her response here.   I know that she does not like everyone knowing everything, but I think reading this, it make make more sense to everyone that has been following this story.

Terry

I know that I told you that I would not write back to you but after reading this last letter from you, how could I not? I even told myself that if you wrote to me that I would not even open the letter, I would just delete it. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t read it until just today. I knew it was there for a couple of days, but I was still very much hurt from the other very large email that you sent to me that was completely horrible.

I don’t know how to explain what has been going on with me. I don’t think I can even produce the words to tell you how I feel about anything actually. But while I write you this letter I am hoping that this will shine a little light for you, maybe some things will come out.

I am not willing to discuss how I felt with the last letter. I was hurt, upset, angry, and I also felt bad because some of what you wrote was true. But most of all I was truly hurt on HOW you talked to me and HOW you displayed the way you felt about everything. I understand that you were also hurt and that you were also angry. Why did you have to say some of the things that you said to me? It was just wrong, and you were mean and hateful.

That’s the end of that. I’m not talking about it.

Like you said, the response that I received from you was not at all what I was expecting. I’m not sure of what I was thinking I would get, but that was not it. It definitely made me consider talking to you at all, ever again. I’m responding now to this letter because of ONLY a few reasons.

1. I love you.
2. It felt wrong not to.
3. I can’t keep from you, no matter what you say to me.

I only said that everything had been said between us because I didn’t think it was humanly possible for you to say anything more to me after that letter. You can not tell me that letter was not a “true reflection” of where your head was at. Terry, I may be “fucked in the head” as you called me, but I am not stupid! You said what you felt and what you thought was true, as you knew it at that moment, and just because you feel now that it may have been a bit harsh, does not make it less true for you, or me. The words still sting and still hurt. I do understand that you may have been in an emotional state because of listening to a lot of things that your friends have been saying to you.

Being angry with me and wanting to express to me how you feel is one thing, but how you did it was completely uncalled for! Knowing, that I also deserved a lot of the things that you said to me because what you have had to deal with because of me is part reason that I am also writing back to you, as I know I put this all on my own shoulders. To be honest, I deserve every hateful, horrible word you can say to me.

You gave me such a picture of what you thought of me that I actually thought I could hate you. Trying to hate you was not an option. I can’t make myself even think bad of you. I realized how you really felt about the situation.

As I know that you love me, as I know that you would love for something to work so that we can become us, at this moment in time, I don’t think that I want the same. I have seen a side of you that I am not happy about and there is a very large part of me that I need to get “fixed”, before I can be with anyone.

As you put it you wanted me to “take on-bored, going forward with my life” the things that you had said to me. I did, and I am. Just maybe not the way you would have wanted me to. I have decided that doing the things that I need to do and having you wait on me is not fair. As I have said a million times over again!  Taking some time to figure myself out and try to be who I really am inside is something that I want. Something that I am sorry you can’t be apart of.

I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to keep out of my head the other letter and how it made me feel. I am trying to also let you know how I feel and what is going on in my head, without sounding bitter and angry about how you had made me feel… so I am going to continue to tell you that I am sorry through out this whole email.

You are very much correct about my trying to keep to myself. I have not felt like talking or being around anyone. I’ve wanted to discover what it is that I want out of life and who I am and where I want to be at. As much as I love you and as much as I want to be with you, I also need to know who I am, and somewhere along the line I have lost sight of myself. I’m not good with words and I am not good at explaining how I feel. I am sorry if that is hard for you to accept and understand. I have given you plenty of opportunities to back out and to walk away from me.

I have gone over the reasons of moving to Oklahoma with you many a times and I also told you that the reason that I went there did not work out. Then I was left with the crap end of the deal. It was not that I didn’t want to be with you, it was that I was trying to get things sorted for myself. I was working very hard. I was trying to make things happen for myself. Being so unstable had taken a hard knock on my mental stability and I am very depressed because of it.

Confusing you seems to be what I am good at. Who would have know I was so proficient in confusion. When we were talking in October to January I was trying to be who I was, I was trying to be who you needed me to be, I was trying to force my old self in again. I think when I was doing that it made me feel worse because on one hand I didn’t want to tell you that I was not ready and on the other I was telling you that I was. I want you. I wanted you. It’s always been my goal. But I was not ready. I’m still not ready.

The idea of telling you I am not ready comes with the idea of you telling me good bye. Losing you is something I don’t want either. But there is not a choice. I have to be honest with you. And the out come is either I have you or I don’t.

I was scared and excited about your being in DC. I was also wondering if I was ready or not to see you with all the things going on with my emotions and all the thoughts running through. I sent you an email saying that I didn’t want to come to DC because I have changed so much in the last year; I was terrified that you may not find me attractive any more. As ridiculous as you may think that sounds, it is how I felt.

I was in Richmond, VA when you got back to DC from San Diego. I regret not facing my fears, of what you may have or may not have thought about me. I should have let you make that decision for your self rather than not letting you have a choice. It was not fair to you or to me for that matter. I made a bad decision by doing that.

Taking a the job was something that I needed to do. Starting when they asked me to start was something that separated me from the other people that were applying because they couldn’t start right away. I had a leg up and I was not going to let that chance get away. Considering how hard it is to find a job, saying not yet was not an option.

I am really sorry that I hurt you, again. I understand that you were angry and I understand that you had a lot to say to me. I sent you the photo because I thought you would like to have it. I sent it because I thought through everything you deserved to be able to see me even if it were only through a photo on the computer. I guess it was an excuse to not see you. I was so scared. I don’t even really know why.

MY BEHAVIOUR TOWARDS YOU

The behavior I have displayed towards you has been horrible to say the least. I have not nor was I seeing anyone behind your back. I do know that it would be easy for me to say that yes I was I know that saying yes I was would also make better sense to you that just saying I just was un-functional within myself to be with anyone. As much I would have liked to be with some one that I could hold, kiss, talk, and just have general companionship with —- I was not ready for that. I can not be with some one if I am not happy with myself!! Right now I don’t know myself, how could anyone else.

Understandably, it would be incredibly easy for me to say “Terry, I don’t want to be with you because your in another country and I want a relationship now not in 6months from now”. That’s not how I feel and that’s not want I want. You are something special, you are amazing! You give my heart a skip when I hear your voice or when you write a poem. You send butterflies to my stomach when you glanced in my direction. Every time I heard you tell me that you loved me, I got goose bumps and I glowed. You were more than special to me. You were what made me want to try to find myself again.

When I went back to Oklahoma, I made myself think it was for us. But it was for me. I was being selfish and I wanted to do it my way, not how everyone thought I should be doing it. I knew I made a mistake the minute I got there and it was too late to take it back. I was then stuck. So I did the best I could with the decision that I made.

I had put myself in a shitty spot with making the wrong decisions and I didn’t want to hear an I told you so. I wanted to fix my problem and be hard headed and complicated and stupid. I sent you crappy little emails because I wanted you to know you were on my mind, that I was thinking of you, but I didn’t want you to know how horrible I was doing or how bad I felt.

When I said that I was going to get a phone, but then never did, I would think to myself, that you were going to be angry, that I knew I would have to explain that my money was all tied up with bills. I wanted to talk to you and tell you that my love was strong and that we would come through this all in the end on the top! I just always felt like the end was so far away, like it would never get here.

There was NEVER a moment that I thought writing you an email was difficult. What was difficult for me was not telling you the whole truth about how horrible things were turning out. Its not that I wanted to be “alone” or “without” you, it was about my situation not being fair to you. Where you see me saying that not fair, I really saw it the other way around.

You were always wonderful, you were always there, and you were always in my heart and in my thoughts.

The myspace and the facebook thing, it had nothing to do with you, i didnt want them, I have no idea that robin had got on my facebook account, I had deleted it, and next thing I knew you were telling me that I was moved and I was with a boyfriend. I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND! All I had was you, and thats complicated as it is.

I am sorry about the letter that kyle had written to me, I am sorry that I had kept it. I have always been a bit of a pack rat, and I always keep letters. I have letters from both friends and old boyfriends from 15yrs ago. I was not keeping it because I felt the same as kyle did for me. I was keeping it because I felt horrible for the way that he felt, I felt that by throwing it away I was further stepping on his heart. As, I am not a mean or hatful person, it felt wrong to do that.

I am sorry for putting it in my pocket, and for keeping it.

Living with kyle at the time that I was, was convience, we both needed the extra help. I was not sleeping with him or anyone else for that matter. He did NOT have my love. YOU DID!!

I told Gina that I loved kyle, but I was IN LOVE with you! I still love Chris to a certain degree. You can hold that against me as well if you like.

YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS ME.

There were a few emails that were very hurtful, and just mean. But I knew I deserved every word that you had to say to me.You were unhappy with me and you had every right to express how you felt about every situation that came up.

I loved you for everything. The Trip. The Love. The Smiles. The understanding. The naked pictures… twice. =) The music I felt in my heart was about you, it was because of you, you did that to me! You made me feel amazing. YOU were wonderful.

I still see you as my other half, and I always will. There is not another person on this planet that could ever make me feel the way you made me feel. Even if we dont end up together, I love you.

90% of the time, I have found the truth in what you tell me.. and again… your right, I have to find what I am looking for if I am ever going to be happy, I need to do a lot of soul searching!

ME

Im working on the meditation… its hard, my mind wonders. I like the way I feel when I have a good meditation session. I sit (in a closet) with a candle (a smelly one–good smell though) and I sit and I consentrate and I try my best to focus. I stopped doing yoga for a bit, but I started it up again about a week ago, and I am feeling more energized. I want to know who I am again. I am trying very hard to do that. I want to keep you posted with how I am doing and what I come to find about myself. I want your friendship right now, and if when I am ready, and if your still around and you want to “START OVER” with me. I would love for that to happen.

US?

I can only hope that one day I pull my head out of my ass and see what I really want and need in this life, that I can find a way back to you again. We are great together. Your a wonderful and caring man. You deserve everything that someone can give you, I would love to be that person someday.

Hopefully it will be just as we wanted from the start if we ever get to that point again.

I would love to tell you that I want to be with you .. but can we just wait… but that is not fair for you or for anyother person…. how is that fair for you???

but

Going Forwards seems… not right. Im sorry if this is a little confusing, Im confused to. I am trying to explain, its just hard.

I may send you a number to call me on, but Im not sure that I really want to talk to you yet. I am still very hurt over the things that you said in the letter before. Im not angry anymore, just hurt. Im not ready to talk yet.

You say that your leaving the door open for me, I hope to atlease find the courage to come to it and knock and I pray that you will open it for me.

Love,

Kelli

Once the calm has settled…

And so I write this, and things are up to date.   4 months since kelli’s above email in green.

Kelli never sent me her number.  Maybe she will, maybe she wont.

We still dont web cam.   Maybe we will, maybe we wont.

Its funny in a way, but since the summer, I no longer feel angry or upset.

Everyone talks to me about her in a past tense, and I guess that saddens me a bit.

About me personally, I am not angry anymore and I realise that I cannot control her or the situation.  I am not a controlling person.  I think I just wanted to help the situation and take the initiative.   Infact, since writing that email to Kelli in July, I realise I am not really bothered about it anymore.   I wrote Kelli an email on the 2 yrs anniversary of us meeting each other.

This may or may not be the end of this story, but I have actually caught up with the story, so as I type this today, this is the best of what I know.   So I guess its the end in the fact that from this point forward in the story, I dont actually know what is going to happen.

If anything at all.

To all reading this, I thank Kelli for coming into my life, because before meeting her I did not know what love was.   And if it does not work out, I am at least greatful for her showing me that.

The last entry?

Christmas is the only time of the year where everybody longs to be with his (or her) loved one. But not if you are in a long distance relationship. Not only that it is impossible, it is also impractical, especially if the world separates you half by distance and time.

So how to celebrate a meaningful Christmas (together)? 

There’s actually no way you can welcome Christmas together as a couple. But it is possible to celebrate Christmas despite the huge gap brought about by distance and time. The best way to do it is to give each other a meaningful call as each of you welcomes Christmas day. Not only that this is very romantic, this is also very challenging, knowing that almost all long distance couples  are basically connected with each other on the very moment that both of your are emotionally connected.

Giving each other update as to how you are celebrating Christmas with your respective families is another way of showing how badly you are missing his (or her) company. There is obviously a missing person somewhere in the table, but giving each other update during this most special moment can somehow alleviate the feeling of loneliness. In the end, other important persons in the family are present to complete the celebration.

Christmas does not have to be lonely for long distance couples. Creativity coupled with love for the missing someone is all what it takes to have a meaningful Christmas, despite the distance.

(Photo courtesy of **Angela-B**)