Det engelska ordet för “längtan” är “longing“.
Och längtar är precis vad jag gör just nu, efter flera saker.

solen
mina vänner
kärleken
sommaren
studenten
självständighet
glädje
värme

Det är svårt att rangordna, på någon nivå är de nog likställda, eller inte. I alla fall så tryggas jag lite av Carrie Underwoods nya album, det är avkopplande och lugnande när jag nu känner mig som mest stressad. Det är så mycket jag ska göra nästa vecka. Så himla mycket…

Men jag kan inte bara pausa och vila en sekund, jag har inte hjärta att svika ett löfte så.

Ikväll är det “Julgodis” på tonår, så det blir tufft att hålla händerna i styr. Mitt godis/chipsförbud tillåter mig inte… Just i denna sekunden ångrar jag att jag lovade mig själv att inte äta sånt förrän jag har tagit studenten.

This Sunday is the beginning of Advent, the period during which we prepare ourselves for the coming of Christ at Christmas. It is my favorite time in the liturgical calendar. As I did last year, this year I am giving a four week Advent Retreat in Daily Living at the University of St. Thomas School of Law (and also at St. Hubert). During a retreat in daily living, the participants commit to pray each day with material I provide them with and we meet weekly, during which meetings I give a brief talk that relates to the material they will be praying with that week. The participants are also given time during the weekly meeetings to share with each other in small groups their prayer experience from the prior week and we address any questions that have come up in the prayer.

Our first weekly meeting was this week. My talk focused on Advent as a time of longing, our longing for God. The invitation during this first week is for the participants to get in touch with their own longing for God, focusing on what they need for God. The rubric I invited them to use for doing that is the “O” Antiphones, the seven antiphons that are chanted or recited during the octave before Christmas. I talked about both the structural pattern and the content of the antiphons.

You can find the talk I gave here . (The podcast runs for 23:49). The prayer material for this first week of the retreat, which I reference during the talk, can be found here.

If you have spent any time in a recovery program you have probably heard how important it is to develop a gratitude list.  I completely agree that it is one of the most powerful things that can be done to change perspective and overcome many issues.

But instead of providing a bunch of supporting evidence and such I want to just jump right into listing what I am grateful for.  I want to point out that I am not going to name specific people in my list but rather initials and descriptions and qualities.  I don’t want to name names for personal reasons.

This list is not all-inclusive but the best I can do right now.

God, Jesus, and Spirit – I need all of you.

The Bible

Prayer – you mean to tell me God wants to hear from me?  Wow!

The “struggle” – it has made me appreciate the blessings more…

Air to breath

Food to eat

Health

A roof over my head

Clothes

My children – you mean the entire world to me and I am so proud of each one of you.  Each of you has so many incredible qualities that show me that God loves me.  A father could not have imagined a greater gift than what each of you is to me.

DW – I am amazed that we share so many incredible things from our past and our present.  You are so encouraging. I feel how much you believe in me. I love hiking with you. I love talking over coffee with you. I love working on our recovery together.  I love learning more about each other together.  You are beautiful inside and out.  I love how much you love God.  I love your kids and see how much they love you.  You have done an incredible job raising them by yourself.  And thank you for reminding me that I love to write!  I had completely forgotten until you helped me to remember that….

KF – you accept me, listen to me, you are one of the most safe people I have ever met, you have stood up for me and stood next to me in my defeats and victories, you’re my biggest fan and encourager, we eat together, go to concerts together, and share the deepest fears and challenges with each other. The challenges I have faced the last several years were more bearable because of your friendship!

DT – thanks for helping me to get my job, thanks for not judging me, thanks for being a light to the rest of the office.

My country – warts and all!

The men in my Celebrate Recovery small group.  You make CR the best place to be on a Friday night!

Celebrate Recovery – I have grown so much from this program.

Reconnecting with so many old friends on Facebook.  This has shown me how blessed I have been in my life.  To think people I have not spoken with or have seen in over 20 years actually care about me and my life is truly a blessing

My job.  I am grateful that I am not among the many unemployed at this time in my life.

San Diego. I have been blessed in my life to visit many different countries and cities.  San Diego is the most beautiful city in the world.

The ocean. Specifically watching the tide come in.

Coffee – nectar from God

The Living Room Coffee Shop in La Jolla

My therapist.  Thank you for your wise counsel this past year.

UA Basketball and Football.  I love the Wildcats!!!

March Madness – the best sporting event ever created!

The Office – I need to laugh and that show never fails.

Law and Order – all the different versions..

Cable News – sorry liberals – I do mean Fox News when I say that..

Liberals – because every protagonist needs an antagonist…

“i thank god for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees & for the blue dreams of sky & for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes.” — e.e. cummings

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough” — Oprah Winfrey

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.” — Woody Allen

“I do not think we have a “right” to happiness. If happiness happens, say thanks.” — Marlene Dietrich

Jax

“Purring is not so different from praying. To a tree, a cat’s purr is one of the purest of all prayers, for in it lies a whole mixture of gratitude and longing, the twin ingredients of every prayer.”  — Kathi Appelt (The Underneath)

“I am as bad as the worst, but, thank God, I am as good as the best. “ — Walt Whitman

“When we find someone who is brave, fun, intelligent, and loving, we have to thank the universe.” — Maya Angelou

“Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can.” — Dalai Lama XIV

“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it’s wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.” — Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

“The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude. “ — Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

“You pray in your distress and in your need; would that you might pray also in the fullness of your joy and in your days of abundance.” — Kahlil Gibrán (The Prophet)

GiGi

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” — Marcel Proust

“Be present in all things and thankful for all things” — Maya Angelou

“Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her. ” — W.C. Fields

“True forgiveness is when you can say, ‘Thank you for that experience.’” — Oprah Winfrey

“Gratitude is a ‘heart’ memory” — French Proverb

“He was still too young to know that the heart’s memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burden of the past.” — Gabriel García Márquez (Love in the Time of Cholera)

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” — Albert Schweitzer

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ” — John F. Kennedy

“I tell you this, my friends, in the experience of my life time, the failure and the pain have certainly outstripped the triumphs. But this has not destroyed my faith — my faith in reason, in truth, in human solidarity — but, on the contrary, it has made it indestructible. I see the hope of the world in you. And, from my heart, I thank you.” — Frida Kahlo

“Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.” — Garrison Keillor

Happy Thanksgiving!

From her window

she sees only shadows walk—

their forms stretched like trees.

A night alone has its positives:  undistracted catch-up on neglected music blogs, for one.  Being forced to clean due to insomnia is another.  Enjoying *cough* new movies.

But then, inevitably, I turn down the blankets and crawl into bed, and become acutely aware of why the distractions are not truly distraction at all – not in the negative sense.  Disconnecting is healthy, sometimes – both from life outside of a happy bubble and from the bubble itself.  Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but it doesn’t mean I have to deny the longing for the arms around my frame and the warmth of breath upon my ear.

Day Seventy-Eight:  I Go To Sleep (Peggy Lee) – Sia

Deep within the night, tucked inside of a little house on a hill, there is a girl who is waiting.
Waiting on nothing in particular, but knows she’s waiting for something.

The little house on the hill is quiet, the sound birthed by slumber.

Muffled, she moves about the house. Mixing words on paper, typing in the paint. Preparing tea, but then switching to martinis. Her left argyle sock is slouching, and her back is straight as an arrow as she’s stretching.

She hears a whirlwind somewhere out in the night.
Despite what could be lurking, she opens the arched door to the outside.

Sitting on her porch,

Nothing.

Disappointed,
She goes back inside.

She thought for sure, there would be something, someone.

I’ve always been a huge preacher of, “If something’s bringin ya down, ya do somethin’ about it.”  And quite frankly, it’s been a long, long, looooong time since I have felt this down, and this perpetually sad.  It’s not like I haven’t been trying to make things better…  I spend every waking moment trying to improve my situation.  But the current thought is: what are you supposed to do when the pain is out of your control?  What happens when anything you do really just can’t change what’s goin on?

I’m trying to figure it out.  I’ll let you know when I’ve come to a conclusion.

That…

Perhaps I miss you.

You and your beautiful smile
Those smiles and amazing blue eyes

That I maybe.

Will you come and remind me?

Ich vermisse dich!

I’m a regular reader of Dawn Bodrogi’s blog The Inner Wheel. Her work is awe-inspiring, not only because of its depth and attention to detail, but because she approaches it with great seriousness. She’s been kind enough to let me pick her brains and, recently, we were talking about Neptune, love and relationships. I want to share some of that conversation here because what she said goes a long way in dispelling the “bad guy” reputation that Neptune has acquired.  So, with Dawn’s permission, let’s turn the spotlight on Neptune and the soul-longing for love that infuses his children.

One of the reasons I specialize in synastry is that relationships are the fast track to spiritual development (and even ordinary old common sense, when it comes down to it).  We often learn more of the soul’s desire from being in relationship than we would in ten or twenty times the same space in ordinary ‘life’ experience. The state of love itself is a spiritual state, in all of its manifestations.  The ability to experience love is both a gift, and a power.  Sometimes, we give our power over to another, and sometimes we wield it, and learning about all that is part of the trial.

We often long for completion, yet we are not incomplete.  However, there is something lacking in us, a cry for wholeness, which nags at us eternally.  It is something inherent in us, the result of the separation from the Source which is physical manifestation.  No human being  born can complete us. However, we are born with the need to have certain experiences that expand our conscious awareness.  Astrology tells us so much about this.  Other people fit into our patterns of lack–perhaps connecting with us from other lives, perhaps not–and they help us learn what we’re here to learn, to know what we’ve come here to know.  These people, these loves, appear to be the missing key to what is needed.  Unfortunately, a lot of people mistake this for fate, for destiny, as if there is no choice, and I don’t blame them, because it feels like it.  Some one or some thing has brought us exactly what we need, at the right place, at the right time.  Why?  Beats me.  For me, it’s one of the great mysteries.  It’s one of the things that has convinced me that not only is the universe intelligent, but, in its own perverse way,  it is kind and generous.

If there was more proper synastric astrology about, people wouldn’t get into these delusions about one everlasting partnership.  Or they might, but at least they would be forewarned.  It’s one of the goals of my site, to wisen people up about the meaning of relationships.  There’s too much negative Neptune about–we’re still experiencing the fallout from the so-called ‘Romantic’ period (when Neptune was discovered) and the fallout from the Medieval period, when courtly love (i.e. longing for the unattainable) was the order of the day.  I think there are more and more of us who are experiencing other ways that Neptune weaves us together, no less powerful or passionate, no less profound, but more purposeful, less delusional. Sometimes I think that our ideas about what relationships should be are 600 years out of date.

It drives me crazy when people start categorizing states or stages of love, as if there is some kind of ladder of love we need to climb.  I don’t think it works like that.  Love is so varied, so multi-planed, so infinite, that I don’t believe the human mind or heart can grasp its reaches, let alone give us some kind of twelve step plan to a twin flame existence (God, I hate that term, twin flame, don’t you?  It’s like something someone would read on a Hallmark card.). There are even some otherwise very good astrologers out there who think they have it all figured out–which just tells me very loudly that they don’t know what they’re talking about.

I don’t agree that soul connections are about unresolved issues between people.  Sometimes they are.  But that’s far too mundane an explanation.  Sometimes, a lot of times, they’re about healing.  We can help one another heal. Sometimes they’re about pure joy.  Sometimes they’re about taking responsibility.  Sometimes people are here for us to simply help us through, or to learn.  Those aren’t issues.  And yes, I have to say it, sometimes they’re about giving unconditionally.  But the giving that we do in those circumstances is never painful, and doesn’t leave us lacking.  It brings us more joy.  It makes us stronger.  And it teaches us how and when to let go, that when we let go, we don’t lose love, we live it.  It becomes a part of us.

There is a mistaken notion that people who love are always on the same level of loving.  It isn’t always an equal playing field.  This is where we get into difficult territory, because we can be intensely in love with people who are not up to our level of loving, and cannot reciprocate.  However, where real love is concerned, there is always a kindness and an understanding that allows us to let go. 

The notion of ‘forever after’ in love is rather strange to me, because for me, the love we feel for others is always forever, embedded within us.  If the love is genuine, we will pick up where we left off.  In particular, intense sexual loves carry the deepest imprint. There is a belief in Tantric Buddhism that every time we make love to a person, we create a little ‘ghost,’ an echo, a psychic imprint that will reverberate through time.  What we often don’t realize, and what I hope we are opening towards, is that these seemingly ‘extraordinary’ experiences of love are everyday, common experiences.  The world is not put together in the way we have been taught.  And we need to be more careful about where we put our energy.

It’s human nature to want to cling.  Deep down, we know our lives here are ephemeral, and we fear it.  Our reaction to our human brevity is to long for ‘forever’ types of love. For one love that will never alter, never abandon.  Yet in real terms, each love is defined by the participants, and each love is unique, with its own purpose and history.  Some of  our loves will develop side by side.  For others, we will play ‘give and take’ throughout lifetimes. But in truth, we are obsessed with love because the experience of loving is one of the few in life that allows us to experience our own immortality.  When we are in love, we are at one with the movement of the universe. We are past, present and future all in one. No boundaries can contain us, there is nothing we can’t achieve.  If we had more of a sense of how we could use this power, we would advance so much, so far.

As I’ve said to you, Neptune and I are old friends.  My experiences of him have run the gamut, from the typical longing for the ‘unattainable’ in my youth to, well, the strange and intense and awe-inspiring new experiences of love that keep coming along.  If we’re open to love, it is never finished. It grows stronger and wiser and more flexible and more sure.  The kind of power that love wields, the power of awakening and understanding and healing, is alive and running through all of us, all of the time, if only we would stop being distracted by temporal things.  If only we could tap into it on a regular basis, instead of focusing on the silly bits, think how far we could go…

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dawn Bodrogi has studied astrology since the age of twelve, and has been a practicing astrologer for over twenty years with a special emphasis on synastry. Her studies in Jungian psychology, alchemy, and Buddhist philosophy inform her work. Her upcoming book, The Inner Wheel, takes a new look at interpreting secondary progressions. You can see more of Dawn’s work at her blog, The Inner Wheel: Living with Astrology.
 

I came up with an eight step system for individuals looking for a long and lasting relationship.  After much personal experience, observation and research, I have discovered these steps provide a greater chance for a lifelong partner versus just a one night stand.  These steps are not ingrained in stone and there are certainly rare and wonderful cases where a one night stand can turn into a successful marriage.  However to increase your chances, I have determined these steps provide the proper criteria and mind set for marriage.

Building Blocks for a Successful Relationship from Meeting to Marriage

First Three to Six Months

1.  Meet

• Encounter at work, school, gym, grocery store, running/ walking club, art/ writing class, workshop, or any personal interest group.

2.  Establish a Friendship

• Treat each other as buddies.  No pressure for sex and truly get to know the person without expectations for the future or external demands.  In this type of relationship, you are permitted to be yourself and learn each other’s character, values and beliefs.

3.  Set Boundaries and Stand-up for your principles and viewpoint

• Be willing to end the relationship if they aren’t met.   You may be surprised how the relationship turns for the better after someone takes a stance if there is something special brewing between the two of you.

Six to Nine Months

4.  Continue to build boundaries; working on polite yet assertive communication.

5.  Respect

• Respect naturally forms if there is admiration and deference toward each other.  Appreciate signs of mutual respect such as thoughtfulness, consideration, politeness and respect of privacy.  Small considerate actions mean the most.

Nine Months to a Year

6.  Love is revealed

• Revel in your love, tender affection and romantic desires and longing for each other.

Year to Two Years

7.  Persevere the relationship

• Steadily persist in consistent thoughtful actions toward each other despite problems or difficulties if they exist.

8.  Marriage

• Make a 100% Commitment.  Be willing to work and give the relationship hundred percent; through thick and thin; the good and the bad times. During difficult times, look for the positives and enjoy your spouse more each day. You may be pleasantly surprised how your spouse responds; naturally reacting nicer.  An amazing transformation will eventually occur, illuminating happier times together.

• There is a remarkable difference between a commitment of 99% and 100%. At 100%, you are seeing your problems all the way through to their solutions. At 99% we can still find a way to take the path of least resistance…and usually do.

… a deep descent into the turbulent storms and dark silence of one’s utter loneliness, with only the dim light of divine Longing to guide us. It remains our conscious choice whether we flee from this invitation to continuous sacrifice, or whether we have the courage to surrender gradually to its inner treasures.

A finger drags water

from the spill and it dwindles,

dwindles, dries.

Microchipped and collared, Sidjit and Safastak are ready to explore Amsterdam. Or at least the communal area between our row of houses and the one behind it. They’ve already been staring at the neighborhood cats for a few weeks…

See also Qussa.nl: Stories from Afar and Up Close

In Pushto by Rahim Majrooh

Translation by Syed Aadil Omer

I’ve always thought,
If nothing else,
but at least in the matter of love
all the comely people in the world
wouldn’t have any sense of deprivation.
They would be thorougly self-sufficient
with abundance of love for them; they would
be happy in possession of this treasure
without any complain or displeasure,

for they are adored by all;
they rule over the hearts of the people.
They are eagerly awaited wherever they go
as people hold them in high affection;
they are treated with special care.
Every set of eyes admire their beauty.
People even spend their entire
lives to fulfill their wishes.
All the admiration, the veneration
is reserved for them.
They are considered the weakness
of every human being;
their chin-moles have been deemed
wealtheir than Samarqand and Bukhara.
Even kings behave like courtiers
at their doors-steps;
They are dedicated books,
and building are built on their names.
They are the fairies
of the imagination of poets;
they are the princesses
of the dreams of painters.
To meet even a single of their wishes
some are ready to stake
their lives while others could forsake
their entire surroundings and faiths.

Hence I think,
in the matter of love,
all the beauteous in the world
wouldn’t have any sense of deprivation;
they would be self-content in love,
but nay, it isn’t the case!

One can’t fathom the depth of a sea
standing afar on the shore.
The elegance, no matter how charming therewith
they might seem,
like the proud fairies of Koh e Qaaf,
or how reckless or ruthless they might look ,
they also breathe in the very world which we inhabit.
And this world is all but the name
of a trial; of desires, of the dreams unfulfilled.

So, the handsomes too carry in their hearts
a number of wastelands like that of a moon.
They too pass through the phases
of several heartbreaks, like that of a flowerbud
before smiling into a full bloom.
They too melt in the flames of their own selves
like that of a candle.
They could be in likeness to a parched shore
that breaks into cracks in waiting
of the arrival of favourable tides;
and like a phoenix
they burn in to ashes.

the warrior…

crouched under the shadows of his pliable shield.

the light crystal…

crushed and scattered by the breeze that once calmed this being.

a thin mist of long-forgotten warmth,

lingering from time to time…

As a person endeavoring to be healthier (emotionally, spiritually, and physically) so that I can live my life well and love those around me more.  I have seen the importance of looking back at the issues in my life that have shaped me and influenced me.  I have also learned that not only is it important to “understand where I have come from” but it is also very important to grieve over some of those things in a healthy way.

Let me first provide my definition of grieving for the sake of this article: to mourn or have sorrow for an event or a loss that has hurt you or those you have a close relationship with.

For some it may mean a divorce, a loss of a loved one, a loss of innocence, a major life disappointment ( in some cases you may look back and think the loss was insignificant but the pain was never grieved), abuse that was committed against you.  These are just a few examples.

Grieving can be a scary thing for most of us.  It can be seen as a sort of “slippery slope” to self pity, despair, and depression.  That fear is largely due to our misunderstanding of grief and its power and benefits.

Grieving is a process that consists of stages or phases:

Stages of grieving:

• Shock and denial

• Pain and guilt

• Anger Frustration and Bitterness

• Acceptance and Resolution

Some of these phases will come and go at different times of the process and not always in exactly the correct order.  Just remember that they are all part of the process.

Be careful that neither you nor anyone else  put time limits on this process.  It will pass but everyone grieves in different ways at different paces…  How long will it take?  It will take as long as it takes.  And honestly sometimes the reason it takes so long is because we try to skip over some of these steps and move towards acceptance and resolution without experiencing the anger and frustration in a healthy way.

If you have never done an exercise in which you recall or consider the events of your life that have not been grieved in a healthy way, I would recommend seeing a trained counselor or support group or safe friend to work on this in your own recovery.

I have used several methods to grieve in my recovery.  The first was an exercise I learned in a book called “Wild at Heart” by John Eldredge.  I wrote down every event that wounded me in a significant way that I could remember from childhood to present day.  I wrote why I believed I was wounded and how I felt about it.  It was amazing how many things came bubbling up once I started writing.  I was then able to talk with a very safe friend of mine and discussed the list and how to best seek resolution on the issues where that was appropriate.

The second method is something that MUST be done with a trained therapist.  It is called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).  I will not get into the specifics of this method.  However, I will say that it is extremely powerful in dealing with major stress and trauma’s from your past.

The third method I have used is the Step Study at Celebrate Recovery.  Specifically Step 4 which deals with the events that have hurt you, what your part or responsibility in the event was, and your response or reaction to the event.  This step is best done with a sponsor who can help you with perspective and balance in your perspective.

Next I will write about the importance of emotions.

If you enjoy these blog topics please comment, share them with others, and/or subscribe by clicking the links provided.

Thank you very much for visiting and reading!

A

Regret

As I reflect on paths not taken -
I stand remiss of the words I have left unspoken.
It is not that my heart ached more, or that my heart ached less
but that my heart aches now as I never imagined
how much my heart truly ached
- For you.

© Charles Coakley Simpson 2009