Seed catologs have begun to arrive. The days are slowly getting longer. With the holidays passed, thoughts are shifting from gift-making and festivities to planning for the garden.  It would be easy to think this shift will make the days much calmer and more relaxed. In some ways, this might be so. However, I am obsessively detail oriented when it comes to the vegetable garden. Kirk has expressed his wish that I channel some of that obsessive energy into organizing and decorating our home, but that is another tale.

I have had my garden for two years and read countless books, magazines, websites, and blogs covering a wide range of gardening topics – composting, companion planting, organic gardening, square foot gardening, integrated pest management, and plenty of basic how-to guides. There is so much I have yet to learn. Even then, there is no substitute for experience. I’ll be spending the next couple, or few, weeks reflecting on what has done well in my garden and what needs a new approach.

First up, tomatoes. Is there anyone that doesn’t grow tomatoes? When I think of a vegetable garden, I think tomatoes. Even if the garden is only a large planter on the patio, the thought is still tomatoes. In 2008, I grew three basic beefsteak from seed and three cherry seedlings from my neighbor. In 2009, I grew twelve tomatoes, three each of four varieties, all started from seed. This was a bad year for tomatoes in New England. I’m fairly certain that my garden escaped the late blight plague, but the cool, wet summer offered the perfect conditions for some other fungus or disease. From the research I did, I suspect early blight. Frequent pruning of spotted leaves kept the plants alive and growing, but under-producing. My garden is highly sun challenged. All sources say direct sun is a minimum of six hours. At the height of summer, I estimate my main vegetable garden gets five hours, maybe five and a half, of direct sun. This year, the sun didn’t even make an appearance until late July.

Cherry -  Super Sweet 100 Hybrid

I suspect the cherry tomatoes were the same common variety my neighbor gave me the year before. They were the most productive of the tomato plants, but we don’t like them. They also had spots. Being an inexperienced gardener, I was never sure if this was normal or disease. A couple eaten freshly picked, or a few on a salad, are okay now and then, but most of them ended up in the compost pile. Perhaps an heirloom cherry tomato would be more enjoyable, but space is limited and there are too many other interesting plants to invite into my garden.

Paste -  Roma

The Roma tomatoes were the most plagued with blight. Even still, I managed to make two small batches of sauce to eat and freeze. These were the only determinate variety that I planted. They didn’t behave as I expected. I think I prefer the habits of indeterminate vines, but I won’t exclude another determinate type if one interests me. I want paste tomatoes, but I’ll try a different variety, this year. There wasn’t anything special about Roma and I suspect the determinate growth pattern aided the spread of the blight.

Heirloom – Bloody Butcher

Supposedly, this an early producer. It wasn’t. There wasn’t anything special about Bloody Butcher. It didn’t have a flavor that I wanted to eat fresh, but was good in sauce. It wasn’t bad, but there are so many other varieties to try, I won’t grow this one again.

Heirloom – Brandywine Pink

This was a much larger tomato and later to produce. I only harvested a few of these, but I saved seeds to grow these again. Brandywine Pink satisfies my vision of what a tomato should taste like. Most times, I just don’t like raw tomatoes. This one I like. It’s perfect for a BLT, a salad, a sandwich, or just snacking. It may seem like a waste of space, but this tomato is worth it, if for no other reason than other fresh tomatoes aren’t worth eating.

Other Notes on Growing Tomatoes

The cold, wet weather got the tomatoes off to a slow start. The sun made an appearance long enough to get the them growing. Then, the rains returned to drown the them and cause cracking, even with excellent drainage. Plant covers have many uses during the growing season. I wonder if a plastic covering over the soil would direct the excess rain off of the raised beds. I could leave the plastic in place, but that would mean watering even if it rains. I could use something removable, but that would involve predicting the weather. Would either be worth the effort?

Tomatoes are not my favorite food. Most of our tomatoes are eaten in the form of pasta sauce, salsa, or additions to dishes like chili. Of the varieties grown, only the Brandywine Pink has earned a place my garden again. So far, Speckled Roman is the best contender for a paste variety to try. I also want to try Cherokee Purple. That should be enough tomatoes for this year. If we like these, great. If we don’t, we’ll try different varieties next year. Anyone have any favorites to recommend?

I started tomato seeds in the beginning of February. They outgrew their containers and the lighted shelves before planting time. This year, I’ll try starting them at the end of February and have larger containers for them. I’ve read that the still air indoors may contribute to leggy plants. To avoid this and encourage stronger stems, I’ll turn on the overhead fan periodically. Other suggestions included fondling the plants and talking to them.

“This is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis.” –Elizabeth II

I know I’ve already written an emotional letter to the year that was (as it will be remembered by history, the year two thousand and UGHHHHH), but traditionally I wind up every year by completing a survey. This will be the seventh year that I’ve done this; it’s an awesome way for me to see where I am now and where I’ve been in the last 365 days. So here it is. 2009 in a nutshell. Enjoy!

1. What’s something you did in 2009 that you’d never done before? I started a secret society. I started a blog. I started running wild. I started having feelings. I started watching Star Trek.

Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more? I’m not even sure what my new year’s resolutions were last year, so I suppose that answers the question as to whether or not I kept them. For 2010, I resolve to:
- Be a good friend to the people in my life.
- Be open and receptive to love in all its forms.
- Make good decisions.
- Be a Lady in all aspects of my life.
- Be healthy, be happy; cultivate stillness and calm.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but Victoria is pregnant again!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Three people. I miss them.

5. Did anyone close to you get married? My Jenny bee and James. Dannette and Charles. Such wonderful couples; I love you guys!

6. How many countries did you visit? I started the year in Australia and I ended it in the USA. Rad.

7. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 09? Stability and calm.

8. Is there a date from 2009 that will remain etched in your memory and why? The fourth of July. I will never, ever forget that day. I will remember it because it was the beginning of the end, and I know that sounds dramatic, but it honestly was.

9. What was your greatest success? Taking care of family stuff by myself. Learning lessons from the shit detailed below.

10. What was your greatest failure? This year, I was an absolutely terrible judge of character. If I’d have deliberately set out with the intention of finding and befriending the shittiest people in the city of Chicago, I don’t think I could have done a better job. Through this one big failure, a whole lot of littler failures were born: I watched as someone was bullied and did nothing. I let people treat me like shit and push me around. I accepted less than I deserve just so I wouldn’t have to spend one second alone with my own thoughts. I went out every single night. I drank to excess. I was hurtful and mindless. I let myself down in a big way for at least six months of 2009 and I paid a fucking steep price for it. Live and learn.

11. Did you suffer serious illness or injury? Severe ear infection leading to deafness, what was probably swine flu, at least one cold every two months, allergies, kidney infection, I was bitten on the arm on one occasion and strangled on another which resulted in a broken blood vessel in my eye. Oh, and cancer. TOTALLY FUN AND AWESOME.

12. What was your best purchase? My MacBook. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!

13. Whose behaviour should be celebrated? ALL of my friends in Australia. ALL of my extended family. My mother, brother, godmother, adopted grandmother. The True Ladies. My girlfriends. My boyfriends. Everyone who’s cared about me, loved me and listened to me during this very strange time in my life. You’re so fantastic. Thankyou.

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? I usually pride myself on not ratting out even the rattiest rat-bastards in a public forum like this one, but this year has REALLY tested that resolution. Most of the rat-bastards I can’t even really be mad at because I knew they were mean/bullies/evil dictators/bears that can’t open jars when I met them, so the fact that they’d act that way shouldn’t have been a surprise. Lesson learned. There’s really only one person who’s behaviour has made me GENUINELY appalled and depressed this year, just because we’d been such good friends for so long & I expected a lot better from her. That said, I’m not sad about it anymore. It sucks but it’s over. Moving on.

15. Where did most of your money go in 2009? Rent and billz billz billz.

16. What did you get most excited about? I was always excited about SOMETHING in 2009.

17. What song will always remind you of 2009? Here is my playlist:
Help, I’m alive (Metric)
Sleepyhead (Passion Pit)
Kids (MGMT)
Case of the fake people (TLC)
I’m good, I’m gone (Lykke Li)
Slow show (The National)
Two weeks (Grizzly Bear)
You’ve got the love (Florence and the Machine)

18. Compared to last year, are you…
happier or sadder? Happier!
thinner or fatter? Thinner, even though I’ve gained ten pounds since summer.
richer or poorer? About the same?

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Every year I’ve written “being young and fun” right here, but this is the first year that I’ve done it. Good for me! I think that in 2010 I’ll do more of the following: cooking, having people over, living in the here and now as opposed to ALLE’S DREAMLAND.

20. Done less of? Crying over people who aren’t worth it.

21. How will you spend Christmas? I spent it cooking, then at my godmother’s house with my family. I managed to go the entire dinner without saying anything wildly inappropriate, like “I have a total ladyboner for Sawyer.” Because that was Thanksgiving. I also wore my giant furry white vest. It was a fun day.

22. How will you spend New Year’s Eve? Due to a bleed the day before, my doctor told me to stay home and relax on New Years. But of course, Jamie and Charlotte couldn’t let me ring in 2010 by myself, so they came over with Henry and Curtis in tow and we drank champagne and listened to pop music all night long.

Jamie–on the left–woke us all up at 10am on New Years Day. I stumbled into the guestroom and announced to everyone “I woke up in the morning and I don’t feel nothin‘ like P.Diddy.” BECAUSE I DID NOT. We spent the next hour laughing together until our tummies hurt. Basically an amazing way to start 2010. <3

23. Did you fall in love this year? I fell in love with the world, with my life, with all of my friends. And don’t tell me that’s not love. It totally is.

24. Have any one night stands? According to the rumour mill, I sure did. But not in reality.

25. Best TV show? LOST. Gossip Girl. 30 Rock. And, um, Star Trek: TNG.

26. What was the best movie of 2009? Up. This movie let me know that I was still capable of having feelings. I have it on DVD now & I cry every time I watch it, even when it’s not a sad part because I know a sad part is coming. I’ve analysed it and figured out that it makes me cry so much because Carl loves Ellie so, so much and I’m afraid that nobody will ever love me like that. SPECIAL FEEEEEELINGS!

27. Best book you read? “Breath” by Tim Winton. Honourable mention goes to “The Stolen White Elephant” by Mark Twain.

28. Best music? “A ga-ay boy wished for a planet full of unicorns. Planet unicorn, Unicorn Planet. Give it up for Feathers! Ooh, Cadillac! And To-o-om Cruise! Ohhh, Planet Unicorn, HEYYYYYYYY.”

29. Do you hate anyone that you didn’t hate at this time last year? I don’t hate anyone, no matter how much they might deserve it. I dislike a whole scad of people I didn’t even know this time last year & I don’t have any time for them…but I don’t hate them. I just sort of feel sorry for them.

30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I turned 25, holy shit I’m getting old! The day started out with Erika and vegan icecream, then I went to dinner with my family & then hit Flatiron with a handful of my nearest and dearest. There was some drama–isn’t there always?–but by and large it was an amazing night & I loved everything about it.

31. One thing that would have made 2009 more satisfying? I don’t know if I’d have been more satisfied, but having thicker skin would certainly have made 2009 easier to navigate.

32. What did you want and get? Freedom. Health and happiness. Friends who love me the same way that I love them. To feel comfortable with the kind of person I am. To feel less alone, less like an anomaly. For things to return to normal. For me to feel like myself again. Also, attention–though I ended up with so much of it that I felt really, really weird.

33. What did you want and not get? The only things I wanted and didn’t get were things that I shouldn’t actually have gotten. Thanks for looking out for me, Universe!

34. What was your fashion concept in 2009? Oscillated wildly. Summer daytime uniform was skinny jeans or jorts with beat-up flats or sequin Converse, my giant sunglasses and a deep V t-shirt from AA. Nighttime uniform was something short/low cut/sparkly with huge shoes and a boozy cackle. Winter uniform so far as been skinny jeans, boots, studs galore and black, black black–all covered by my big fur coat and a sparkly hat. And I go out in the same thing because it’s motherfucking COLD out. Basically I’m a crazy old lady trapped in the body of a young hipster.

35. What kept you sane? My highly rational Vulcan/robot brain, hah hah hah…ehhh. Actually I’m not sure WHAT kept me sane most of the year, because there was a sizable chunk of it where I had no friends, I was isolating myself from my family…I just had nothing and nobody. I was casually thinking about suicide & I totally acknowledge that things could have turned out so badly. I’m glad I pulled through with not only my sanity intact, but also my happy outlook on life.

36. What political issues stirred you the most? The murder of Dr. Tiller.

37. Who do you miss? Everyone in Australia.

38. Who is the best new person you met in 2009? I met some AMAZING people in 2009; hey Jamie, Berri, Brooke, Kyle & Harrison, Paul…But let’s talk about Erika Gomez. My BFFF (Best Fuckin’ Friend Forever). We met under some extremely trying circumstances but, like killing a troll, there are some things that you can’t go through without liking the other person afterwards. I trust her with my life. She’s the truest, most loyal Lady. I love her more than anything.

39. Best news story of the year? Zombie Pigs First, Then Hibernating GIs. Because I am nothing if not terrified-slash-weirdly prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

40. What’s a valuable life lesson you learned this year? People aren’t always what they seem, so be a discerning judge of character. Don’t give yourself away for nothing; if people want your confidence and intimacy, they have to earn it. And never trust a bear that can’t open a jar. Ever.

41. One song lyric that sums up 2009? Time after time, I think “Oh lord, what’s the use?” / Time after time, I think “It’s just no good.” / Cause sooner or later in life, the things you love you’ll lose. / But you’ve got the love I need to see me through. (Florence and the Machine, “You’ve got the love.”)

. . .

New year, new start! I’m pleased as punch to have rung in the new year–two thousand and START AGAIN!

Thanks for reading this blog. I know there are a million people out there who write more eloquently and about more interesting stuff than I do, and your support means everything to me. BIG KISSES!

Last night “60 Minutes” aired a harrowing piece on the Department of Veterans Affairs’ mistreatment of millions of vets, from Vietnam through today’s conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The department should have hired Edyo Keehan.  He knew how to get things done.

Shortly after Pearl Harbor, the Westport native dropped out of Staples.  He enlisted in the Navy.  There was a war to fight.  He was 17 years old.

He fought in North Africa, Europe and the Pacific.  When the Japanese surrendered at Tokyo Bay, Edyo was there.

He came back to Westport, and worked as a truck manager for 18 years.  He retired, then began a 2nd career in real estate.

But his real job was making sure that Westport’s veterans were not forgotten.  Those from earlier battles — World War I — had their names on a handsome Honor Roll that stood outside the old Town Hall (the stone building next to Restoration Hardware set back from the Post Road; it’s now a bank).  In 1943, Westport artist Stevan Dohanos painted the memorial for a Saturday Evening Post cover.

Four decades later, when Town Hall moved to Myrtle Avenue, the monument was lost.  Edyo vowed to replace it.

It wasn’t easy.  Bureaucracy moves slowly, and veterans were not high on Westport’s list of priorities.

Edyo persisted.  He pushed, prodded, poked and pestered.  A new Honor Roll was created.  In 1998, it was dedicated on Veterans Green — opposite the Myrtle  Avenue Town Hall.

The monument is perfect.  It’s in exactly the right spot, at exactly the right angle.  It looks like it’s been there forever.

The Honor Roll is shaded by trees.  Behind them every Memorial Day, a bugler stands out of sight, playing “Taps.”

The names are etched proudly.  They are there for posterity.  They honor Westporters who defended their country.  They honor Edyo’s neighbors, and friends.

(Edward J. “Edyo” Keenan died Saturday at Norwalk Hospital.  He was 84.  There are no calling hours.  A Mass of Christian Burial will take place Thursday at 10 a.m., at Assumption Church.)

The Honor Roll at Veterans Green (Photo by Jerry Dougherty)

So, I had stepped into PSG college of Technology after convincing my parents that, it was the best possible option. And I was in hostel for the first time in my life. And for my fellow hostel mates who’d expect me to post *You know what*, sorry, I will not elaborate on those incidents. Still, those incidents make me feel, how pathetic I had been during those days.  And especially that “Excuse me” stuff, ahhhh, can I turn back the clock, please? Somehow?

But I learnt one thing. “Being sincere is one thing, but overdoing it will always result in heartbreak” . At that time, those trivial issues seemed huge, but now I feel WTF was I doing then. Skipping details, let me summarize my First Semester in a nutshell – A certain Badshah (Public forum, you see!) ruined six months of my college life

Come 2007, and only then I mingled well with people. No sooner had I started seeing things from a different perspective, than I realised what I missed those six months. Better late, than never.

More on that, laters. Have a good day.

Who could have thought that time machine does exist? I didn’t but it did happen to me.

The year 2009 may be a fruitful year for me and my family, yet for most of my fellow countrymen, it is a year of sorrow and loss. As the new year is gradually unfolding to the eyes of the people, it would be rather good to leave all the nightmares in the time machine.

Media is not even exempted with the holiday season. In fact, I still have to work hours before the New Year revelry officially started. After work, I went directly to our church to attend the year-end service. I was delighted to see outside as it rains, thinking probably firecracker explosions would be lessened.

Right after the service our church mates decided to visit a member’s house, who would be celebrating the season alone and without family members. Well, it was worth going anyway since the house is located in a hill subdivision overlooking the entire Cebu City and parts of Mandaue and Mactan island. Flashes of tiny lights welcomed us as we watched the city prepare for a new beginning–a chance to resolve issues and relationships.

As we head towards the member’s house, huge houses worth millions of pesos struck us or me. Thousands of Filipinos have lost their homes and relatives because of the several incidents that hit the country in the year 2009.

Just when we thought everything is alright, the outbreak of Influenza A(H1N1) or the mutated swine flu has shattered the Philippines even the world. Since April 2009 until August of the same year, A(H1N1) has caused the suspension of classes in many educational institutions, stricter monitoring in airports, and threats individuals who only have a slight flu case.

I was sitting in the front seat during the entire trip. The rain made it even harder for the driver to see the road plus the slippery way made us all pissed off. In September, super typhoons Ondoy and Pepeng have hit the northern part of this country. Luzon in particular became a “waterworld” as the city is covered mostly with water. Hundreds even thousands died in the calamity. Rich and poor lost their houses and properties. The typhoons also damaged the major rice and crop fields in the country.

A slight rain won’t harm as much as it did to the other part of the country. I could remember a friend telling me that they were stuck in the car as water rose during the typhoon. Blessedly they were saved.

We finally reached the house of a church’s member. It was a fairytale-like building with several tiny lights covering the entrance door hanging on plastic grapes. The fresh air overwhelmed our breasts as the feel of entering a different country overshadowed our imagination. But in between those homey feeling is a memory of the families who suffered from breathing because of the ashfalls produced by the active Mayon volcano in Albay.

The Department of Health in a series of reports said that the evacuees are experiencing colds and other pulmonary-related diseases because of the consistent release of ashfalls from the volcano. The same people are forced to leave their abode in order to save their lives from being killed by the volcano’s lava and ashfalls, and even preventing them from a probable big eruption.

Working as a journalist we in our office were praying that somehow the eruption will not pursue on new year’s day because we want to spend it with our families and not in the office. Selfish? maybe, but it was a great thing that we prayed about it, hours after volcanologists announced the lowering of the alert level in the area because of the negative explosion the volcano is showing.

I once again inhaled the fragrance of the night air as I mingle with friends and eating delightful sweets prepared only for us, enjoying every single moment  left for 2009.  Picturesque figures and designs filled the interior of the house. I as a striving photojournalist tried to capture images that addresses social issues, see below.

I did capture a show of fireworks display an hour before the year 2010 enters. Noise and countless explosions were heard even in the most remote area in the city. Lights in the city became more brighter and the dim skies filled with man-made stars. Perhaps my hopes of lesser firecraker use because of the rain did not succeed even. Nothing can ever stop human beings from using this dangerous explosives, people say for “fun”.

Trying to beat a deadline and avoiding pyrotechnic explosions on the street, our team decided to go home 30 minutes before the clock would strike at 12:00. On our way, as anticipated, roads are already useless to pass on as residents put up their firecrackers in preparation for the end of the countdown. The smog plus the rain made it hardest to drive through the crowded and dangerous way.  Most of us are shouting as sudden blasts from the side or even in front of the car would appear.

November 23, 2009 made the Philippines front-page worthy in the worldwide newspapers. A convoy of more than 50 individuals were on their way to the provincial office of the Commission on Elections (Comelec) when a group of armed men stopped them.

I was covering the breaking news that day when ANC’s Twinkie Macaraig got a call from Vice Mayor Ishmael Mangudadatu. Mangudadatu in his statement said his wife, along with media practitioners, lawyers, and relatives were on their way to the Comelec office to file his certificate of candidacy (COC) when a group of men stopped them and brought them to the highlands.

Mangudadatu further said his wife called him saying that they are abducted by the rival clan, Ampatuan, and have threatened to kill them.

Days after several bodies are found in an empty lot in the Ampatuan town where a backhoe was parked as well. Found are 57 bodies with 30 of them are members of the media. That was the worst massacre that hit the country as an election-related crime. CNN, CBS, and other international media have featured the country as the most dangerous place for journalists to live. Also, the gruesome incident had violated the international human rights act, with the Philippines as one of the major signees. In addition, on the same week the celebration on human rights was held, ironic to what has happened.

It was my first time to be outside the house on New Year’s Day. Usually I refrain from going out knowing that stray bullets and unsafe firecrackers may injure or worst kill me. My heart pumped so fast as we drive through the smoggy streets. I closed my eyes and ears thinking it would be the best thing to do to avoid my fears.

Putting my life in the shoes of those murdered, I could imagine them hearing a series of gunshots as they were nearing the checkpoint where the enemy awaited them. I could imagine being one of them covering their eyes and ears while the rebels kill the rest of my companions. I could imagine fearing for my life.

Soon people were shouting, my friends inside the car were starting the countdown. Then it was finally New Year, and we were still inside the car, making our way back to our individual homes.

Being inside the car as the year evolved to another is like taking a trip in a time machine.

According to the Meriam dictionary website, time machine is  a hypothetical device that permits travel into the past and future.  Hypothetically the time machine has enabled me to see the past as I move on to the future.

Like a car that moves forward, people should also move on. From a short trip inside a time machine, which brought me from 2009 to 2010, one thing has remained in my thought as I closed my eyes. Reminded from the dark incidents and tragedies (natural or manmade) God has always encouraged us to learn from the past so we could live in the future. God is the only hope we have for a brighter tomorrow.

I drew a big smile when I saw us approaching towards our house. It has given me hope that if I just endure a little bit, I would be able to reach home and be safe inside. The same with our relationship with Jesus Christ. It is not wealth or any thing in this world that could satisfy us, only God’s overflowing love could.

Every after the incidents that came crashing the nation, people would always brim with hopes in their hearts, looking for a better year ahead. After deaths brought by the typhoon, massacre, volcanic eruption, I could still see the joy in people even if they have lost lives and properties. I haves seen contentment and love amid nature and human beings’ attack. I have seen peace in people’s eyes amid grief and chaos. Definitely it is not about money because it is because of the hope they put in their hearts that they continue to live.

In Jeremiah 29:11 of the New International Version (NIV) it says, ”For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I have left everything in the time machine. I went out of the car assured that God is driving my life to the heavenly road.

Four months to go and the national election, first ever poll automation, will take place. What else could happen in the Philippines,especially that on January 5, 2010 the trial against Maguindanao massacre prime suspect Andal Ampatuan, Jr. would start. Could there be more deaths? More tragedies? Calamities? Diseases?

Jesus Christ is my living vest. No matter what would come this year 2010, I know my God would protect His people. Amid social and political issues, God has taught me that only prayer could make a very big difference. Prayer results to immediate action as a manifestation of faith.

This year 2010 let us start making SOLUTIONS and not only resolutions. Happy New Year!

… so much has happened.  What a long, strange decade it’s been.

Lost friends (R.I.P., Peter).

Lost family (R.I.P., Grandpa).

Gained SO many friends – many from forums, oddly.

Sister’s wedding.

Spring training.

Welcome to the world, Niece and Nephew!

iPods.

Internet.

Message boards.

DVR.

Four homes (three apartments and a house).

9/11 and the end of the world as we knew it.

Naughty girls in NYC.

Six jobs and now …

…grad school.

Friends’ weddings.

Faux nieces and nephews.

Found love.

Lost love.

Found love again.

Lost love.  Again.

Still single.

Mets win.

Mets lose.

Mets win again.

Mets keep losing.

Giants win.

Lost weight.

Gained weight.

Lost weight again.

Gained weight again … hello, roller coaster!

Blogs.  Books.

Reunions.

Cancer scares.

Illness.  Health.

No money.  Have money.

No money.

Two cars.

Roommate.  No roommate.  Roommates.  No roommates.  Roommate.  No roommate.

Laughter.

Happiness.

Hope.

In Korean, there is no “v” sound so a I giggle when I look at the title of the this blog entry, because it would be very confusing for a native Korean.

So I’m in Korea, everyone! I haven’t been straight-vlogging – the explanation I keep on giving people is this: I’m so angsty that it would become hard to watch me just talk. Everything is easier to take in song. Say what you will about musicals, but I believe that a good song is sometimes the best way to tell a story.

But sometimes you need to explain yourself – sometimes a story has no apparent melody in it, so it’s hard to add one.

What happened in 2009? I look back to my blog entries, and I get a bit sad because it seems like the things I was most afraid of in February came true – I didn’t get a job. I didn’t get any indication from “the industry” that they wanted me. Someone asked me what my highlights of 2009 were, and I started to cry, because it was hard to conceive of “highlights” in 2009. Every success seemed to be quickly followed with a disappointment, tainting the original victory.

I’ve run away to Korea. It’s been good – I’ve been a bored at times, I’ve been a bit lonely at other times, but all in all, that’s all okay because I took a break from all that turmoil. It’s easy to not think of all that stuff here. It’s nice to just be myself, play the guitar for a while, then go to cafes and restaurants and shopping areas to be around people. It’s been nice to hang out with my cousin when she has time and work people when something is arranged. In short, life just seems simpler here. I can just be with myself without the context and stress of the big picture of career trajectory.

But I wonder if I’ve made this angst a part of my personality and consequently, I’m unwilling to let go of it. Anyone following the musical vlogs probably have noted that I’m not totally at peace. There are big lessons to be learned, the biggest of which is probably that I’m okay – that I’m not a huge mess because I have these divergent skills that no one knows what to do with, that I’m not disliked because I haven’t accomplished anything. I’m far from perfect, but I’m loved and loved and loved. My friend E always says that my biggest flaw is my low self esteem (to which I wittily reply, “Yeah, that and how much I suck!”), but you know, I think he’s right in a way.

I wonder how I would change if I truly knew I was loved. I wonder what I would do differently if I was confident that I was special.

Here’s to 2010!

Long, long ago — way before its fabled run on Charles Street — the Arrow Restaurant perched at the narrow intersection of Saugatuck Avenue and Franklin Street.

It’s a sharp, triangular space — in fact, that’s how the Arrow got its name.

Later, for many years, the spot was occupied by Betty Ann Kiester’s Creative Windows drapery shop.

Recently, a sign sprouted announcing the opening of “Westport Chinese Takeout.”

Back when the Arrow ruled Saugatuck, there were only 2 Chinese restaurants in Westport:  Westlake and the Golden House.

Now there seem to be dozens.

Many — particularly the takeout places — are indistinguishable.  But 1 of the most popular, and best known, is Jasmine.

Or, as it’s known to long-time Westporters:  “The old Arrow.”

As each new year starts, I like to look back at all that I have accomplished in the year prior.  This past year has been fantastic and I’m so happy about where I’m at now in my life.  Here are 9 things I did in 2009:

1. Gone from hiking backcountry Guatemala to working in an busy megacity…and changed my habits accordingly.  Now I paint my nails, ride the sleek and modern subway instead of rickety chicken busses, dress (slightly) more fashionably, and work out at the gym instead of in the mountains.

2. Danced a ton of salsa.  I went to my first 2 salsa congresses, started practicing outside of the club, destroyed 2 pairs of salsa shoes, and improved more than I had ever expected was possible.

3. Learned a lot about human relations and getting along with people.  (Now I just have to put it into practice…)

4. Saved money and paid off one student loan.  (Hooray!)

5. Lived by myself in my own apartment for the first time.  I love it, but I still miss having roommates.

6. Learned more about finding happiness from within, regardless of external factors.  Sounds cheesy, but it’s true.

7. Changed unhealthy eating habits and lost almost 20 pounds.

8. Held my first full-time job.  (I can’t believe how much time full-time jobs eat up!  It’s crazy!)

9. Adapted to life in a culture far different from any other one I’ve ever known…and made some super cool Korean friends along the way!

Whew!  So much can happen in a year!  I can’t wait to see what 2010 will bring.

New Year’s Eve 2009:  sitting on a beach in Mexico, watching fireworks with one of my friends.  New Year’s Eve 2010: clinking glasses with the salsa crew and going out to dance till dawn in Seoul.  New Year’s Eve 2011?  Absolutely no idea.  (!)

Happy New Year!

So. It’s 2010. For a long time 2009 was the only year that mattered, the year I would graduate from high school. I attached the number to screen names and email addresses as a mark of honor. Unfortunately life had other plans for me. Looking back I can’t believe the year came and went so quickly. What a whirlwind. I fell into a group of wonderful friends, who for the first time made me feel safe and at home. I watched them graduate and had the opportunity to attend prom. Over the past 12 months we’ve held hands and danced, driven cars with windows down and music blaring, and grown up. We all started our paths to higher education, in and outside of schools. It feels like 2009 was a the first personal step in the right direction that I’ve taken in a long time. I’m not quite happy with where I am. I feel like I could be doing better, but the fact that I’m aware and willing to work toward something better is what matters. So if 2009 was the year that turned me in a new direction I can only hope 2010 is the one that keeps blazing the path to my future, whatever it may be.

Ok so it’s already 2 days into the new year.  I’m a little late getting this started, but better late than never right?!  A new year = a new start.  This is my fresh start blog.  I have some goals I will be sharing for this new year, but I can’t share them until I have them selected and written so they are coming soon.  I just wanted to get something posted before too many days slipped by as I can tell you that becoming a more dedicated blogger will be on my goal list.  I am pasting in my last post from 2009 for a summary of where I have come from.  As much as I want to put this last year in the past and move on, I think it’s important to know where you come from in order to decide where you are going.  So here it is:

Looking Back…

There are only 2 1/2 hours left of the year 2009 and I could not be more excited to wave goodbye and put this year in the past. Looking back: my husband and I said ‘goodbye’ to a grandparent each (mine being the last living grandparent I had), we lived with my husband’s parents as business in real estate and development had taken a turn for the worst with the sliding economy, we said ‘hello’ to our first baby (a girl who was and is the bright spot in our lives), we watched friends and family struggle with the effects of the economy, we filed for bankruptcy, we followed a dream and moved to Tennessee, we were betrayed by a business partner and longtime friend that we are still cleaning up from and feeling the personal effects.There were many challenges, but in the midst of sadness, chaos, uncertainty, disappointment, and deep hurt there was also great joy, good memories and moments to be cherished. Living with my in-laws was a great blessing in a time that could have been extremely stressful. I had a fantastic pregnancy full of peace and joy. My daughter was born this summer and has been nothing but a joy and gift ever since. God is faithful and I believe that even when we are still dealing with some of the mess of 2009. I don’t know why we go through some of the things that we do, but depending on how we choose to walk through them I believe that they make us stronger; they show us who we are. That said, I’m ready to put this year behind me and look forward to this new year. I know there are good things in store for my family and I am excited for a fresh start. Thoughts and goals for 2010 yet to come…

Blue Moon Over Ice Skating Rink – 0/365, BlackBerry Shots, Full Blue Moon on New Year’s Eve, December 31st, 2009, Minneapolis, Minnesota, photo © 2009-20010 by QuoinMonkey. All rights reserved.

Through The Looking Glass

season to season
hindsight is 20/20
reflecting the past;
future remains uncertain,
jumps hoops through the looking glass

–tanka from hindsight haiku — pink cadillac (on the road), October 25, 2009

Writing Practice — Looking Back – 15min

Looking back I see hot hazy days when I didn’t have a job. What seems like the best opportunity to work on writing, art, photography, becomes consumed with worry. Looking back I see that Chaco died. He didn’t just die. We made the hard decision to put him to sleep. An odd turn of phrase, put him to sleep. It’s the second cat where I’ve had to make that hard decision. The first was my cat Sasha; it was years ago. Looking back I feel gratitude. For Liz, Kiev, Mr. Stripeypants. For my writing group, for Roma and her partnership with me on red Ravine. I feel grateful I have my health. Age, I’m aging. But overall, I have survived another year. The gray hair is multiplying.

Looking back, there were visits with Amelia, visits with Marylin. Mothers are important to me. Time with mothers. Time with my mother. How much time do we have? One never knows if they will live into old age. I like the yearly trips I take to the South and this one was no exception. There wasn’t enough time but the time we were in Georgia and South Carolina was relaxed. The reconnections I have made there the last three years are invaluable. Links to what was, links to what might be.

Looking back, I feel like I don’t do enough, don’t accomplish enough of my yearly goals. I hate setting them anymore, but I must. I feel like I get so little done. Recently a friend called and mused that we might feel an urgency to get more done because of our age. We are not spring chickens, not in our twenties, not even in our thirties, and here we are trying to make some kind of alternative life work out. Looking back, my car Greta made it through the recession with only the need for a radiator and some new wiper blades. Sylvia the Saturn made it, too. No new car payments — yet.

Looking back, I am happy where I live. Indria is humble, tiny, small. But every day I wake up and look out over the oaks, ash, and cedar. I feel happy to come home and watch the moon rise behind the cottage. I wish it was larger, that we had two more bedrooms, one to write, one for art. Hers and hers. Should we build on? Or buy a new house? Is it ever in the cards to have enough room? Small is good, too. I’m used to small, crowded houses. That’s the way I grew up with 5 younger siblings. There is something comforting about small.

Looking back, I don’t want to trade my life for anyone else’s. My mistakes are my mistakes. I can live with them. I have to. I don’t often remember the bad that happens in a year, mostly the good. And the gratitude I feel for the richness in my life, no matter how much I might be lacking. Is that keeping me from going forward? Have I gotten lazy. Or am I simply tired. Looking back, I’m happy to have a job, though it takes a toll on me. If you had asked me even a year ago, I would have said, “No, I’m never going to be driving truck.” But here I am. Never say never.

There is an opening in there somewhere. Gratitude for the abundance of having a job. Money coming in. So many are without work. Yet my work is my art, my writing, my photography. It will be the dilemma of every artist — how to make a living while being a creative soul. Our world does not support it. We have to. We create our own worlds, surround ourselves with people who help hold the dream. People matter. But it is each of us who has to do the work. Am I doing the work?

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Post Script: I wanted to combine several of my yearly practices in this post on looking back. Above is a tanka I wrote on the trip to Georgia this year, the Reflection part of my Writing Practice on WRITING TOPIC — REFLECTION & INTENTION, and a photograph of the Blue Moon from my photo practice. Below is my yearly Gratitude list. I do one at the end of every year, a result of peering through the looking glass, looking back on the good things in life.

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A – Accept loss forever. Learned this from Kerouac, then from Natalie Goldberg.  Easy to say, hard to do. Makes the world a much better place to live.

B – Breaking free. From the ties that bind. I am the one who keeps me back. It was a constant battle over the year to let myself be. To do nothing when I needed it. To sit and stare into space. To break free from old worn out habits that are keeping me back.

C – Cats. These 3 bundles of joy brought much happiness to my life in 2009. Chaco has moved on but we don’t forget. We scattered his ashes this year around the fire at Winter Solstice. Sometimes I still hear him pattering through the house, keeping night watch on the back of the couch. Chaco was a Nightowl.

D – Dead of Winter. I love Winter. It makes me feel alive. January to January, the Midwest Winter is nothing to sneeze at. It was -21 this morning. It’s warmed up to -8. Sometimes the Dead of Winter is when I have the most ripeness going on inside.

E – The letter “E”. I’m thankful for the vowels. They hold up a lot of words. Like Elizabeth. I thank my lucky stars every day that she’s my partner, that she’s in my life.

F – Fathers. I have a new respect for the role that fathers play with their children. Young children. Adult children. I have learned from reconnecting with my step-father in the South that it is never too late to heal. Never too late to realize the love. I have learned from my brothers who are good fathers how important it is to be there for your kids. I have learned from ybonesy and Jim how good fathers make a difference.

G – Gratitude – humble gratitude for others, those who came before us, those who run parallel, the children of the future, all teach me perspective. Sometimes I feel great loss. I try hard to get back to Gratitude for what remains.

H – Humble Pie. I’ve eaten a lot of it. Humility helps me remember — Do not waste this precious life. Humility always takes me back to center — Home. (Oh, and wasn’t Humble Pie a band from the 1970’s?)

I – Itches, those nagging, pesky things that make you want to jump out of your skin. You can’t scratch every itch. But don’t the itches raise the most important questions?

J – January. Some years I’m glad to be starting over, to walk into the clean slate of a New Year. This is one of them. Time may be boundless but the calendar offers a structure. Something that helps keep me on track.

K – Kindred Spirits. Make the list again this year. Not just community or people who are alive. But those who travel with us across the Ethers. And animals, like our cat Kiev. She’s solid as a rock. There are so many life forms that walk the Earth with us. The veil is thin.

L – Love. Love is underappreciated. The word is thrown around loosely. There are so many kinds of love, I have lost count. But the feeling of giving or receiving love — I would not trade it for money, fame, or fortune.

M – Mothers. Most of the nurturing of the world falls to women. This was true when I was born, it may still be true at the end of my life. I wish I could say it’s different, that all nurture the world. But it doesn’t seem to be women that take us into war. Or perpetrate most of the violence in the world. If I was wrong, I’d happily admit it. If I’m right, I pray for more balance. That’s too heavy a weight to carry.

N – North Carolina. I know it seems odd. But driving through North Carolina, it seems like one of the most beautiful places. I’ve also discovered that many of my relatives come from North Carolina, something I didn’t expect. This is true on the paternal and maternal side. I am rooted in the South.

O – Overdrive. Wait, I guess this is something that should go on my future Intentions list. But it popped into my head. People who run on Overdrive teach me about reaching goals. I don’t want to be a Type A personality–I only want a pinch of their drive.

P – Pants. Mr. Stripeypants is over a decade old; he acts like a kitten. I can’t explain the joy this cat brings into my life. He plays fetch with me in the morning, drapes over my arm when I write, greets us at the door after a hard day at work, follows us around the house in a constant state of curious abandon. I learn a lot from Mr. Pants.

Q – Quest. I’m always questing. Like a Knight but not in shining armor. I’d be one of those Dark Knights. After all, you need them, too. The ones that sit at the Round Table contemplating, one foot underground, one foot in the sky. They are all searching for the Grail. I think curiosity is an asset. I just wish it would quit jumping around. Hopscotch, 1-2-1-2-1-2-1, back again. Once in a while I wish throwing the rock was enough, just to see where it lands.

R – red Ravine. It makes the list again. Every year there is something different. It’s a practice in the collaborative spirit. Sometimes it’s the thing that keeps me going when things get hard. Where will it lead? Right here, right now. I’m grateful for every single person who has ever visited red Ravine.

S – Snow. It’s practical and romantic. A water reserve for dry summers, a heart bouncer for Winter rides on the horse-drawn sleigh. We got a boatload in December. It snowed like a banshee over the Christmas weekend. I used to ski but these days I’m happy to get out and walk in the snow. I don’t mind shoveling. But I have to admit, this year I thought about buying a snow blower.

T – Tracks. Animal cairns. We follow tracks in the snow in our front yard. Raven, crow, moles and voles. Rabbits, squirrels, raccoon. Tracking takes patience and an eye for detail. I’m not that good at identifying which tracks go to what animal. But I love to guess. Then check my tracking book for the right answer.

U – Understanding. It’s the brother of forgiveness. I had to live a while before I understood what it meant to forgive. Not everyone can be understood. But it helps to try. I understand that not everyone is perfect or impeccable. I forgive myself for not being those things either.

V – Veracity. An unwillingness to tell lies. A propensity for the truth.  They even made a movie about it — The Invention of Lying. Is telling the truth always the best route? What truth? Whose truth? I like looking at the Underbelly — the unwillingness to tell lies seems more realistic.

W – Woodpeckers. We had two sightings of the Pileated Woodpecker on our property this year. What a joy it is to see them. They’ve got to be the closest thing to seeing a prehistoric Ivory-Billed. The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker is a lot like the Loch Ness monster — now you see it, now you don’t.

X – X-Ray Vision. The absence of it. I’m thinking if I had X-Ray vision, I could see into the future. But I wouldn’t want to know. I’d rather take my chances. And make small decisions along the way.

Y – ybonesy makes the list again. She’s made leaps and bounds with her art this year. That inspires me, fires me up for my own creative endeavors. She’s a woman who seems to be able to do it all. I admire that. And feel so much gratitude that she’s collaborating with me on red Ravine.

Z – ZigZags. Like lightning. I’m grateful for zigzags because they are the way I live my life. Cancer the Crab rarely takes the straight line anywhere. Back and forth, testing the waters. She does finally land. Solid. For a day or two. Then off again on her quest. You can’t have a zig without a zag.

-posted on red Ravine, Saturday, January 2nd, 2009

-related posts and to read more about the practice of Gratitude: Feelin’ Down For The Holidays? Make A Gratitude List, The ABC’s Of A Prosperous 2008 – Gratitude, I Am Grateful For The Alphabet , Runes, Oracles, & Alphabets

I avoided this post, never really wanted to write it. It just seems like such a cliche. But to properly finish the year 09 and to let it go, I’ll try to put together some of the things that were/are important to me. Divided it on some posts, not sure how many, we’ll see.

First off MUSIC. My best of 09 are (#1 is #1 but the rest is in no particular order):

#1 Tegan and Sara – Sainthood (T&S are my personal favorite, Sainthood was a pleasant surprise and it deserves a special blog post comming soon…)

An Horse – Rearrange Beds (Camp Out got the biggest play count in my iTunes library)

Vampire Weekend (they released an album in 08, and Contra will be released this month)

Char2d2 – EP Small Vampires (nice start, hope more is coming soon)

Camera Obscura – Maudlin Career (been on their show in Vienna, they were awesome)

The xx – xx (speechless)

Arctic Monkeys – Humbug

White Lies – To lose my life…

Could go on and on and on… but there is no need to exaggerate.

I’m a sucker for a good meme. So here’s one for 2009.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before? Well, the answer I want to give will not be posted. But, I can say that I’d never taken a trip to Erie that was less than five hours before 2009!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn’t make any new year’s resolutions. I should maybe.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Doug and his wife had a baby. Jen and Matt had a baby. A cat had like five babies and we have a few of them now. Want a cat?
4. Did anyone close to you die? A former roommate of mine died. A great friend of mine lost someone close to him. And another good friend lost someone close to her.
5. What countries did you visit? None. I didn’t leave the country.
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? A new car. Another thing creeping up on my list is a place that doesn’t involve sharing a roof with my parents/brother.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Feb. 21: had a great birthday, June 7: Snowflake died, June 11: can’t say, June 20: Plymouth, July 24-25-26: Weekend to Erie, Oct. 8-9-10-11: Relay conference, Oct. 30: can’t say, Dec. 5: Great time with good friends, Dec. 23: Fun times, Dec. 24-25: Christmas.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Test driving a job position and realizing that, despite a larger circulation, I love what I do now.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not getting a new car.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nope. No hospital visits for me this year. Just random sinus issues.
11. What was the best thing you bought? I’d say the Wii Fit, but we all know that’s not true. My bed!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Anybody who donated to Relay For Life in any way, despite the bad economy.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The people who left a cat or two out for whatever reasons. I’m just glad they’re safe with us.
14. Where did most of your money go? Loans, savings, Bocktown.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My three trips to Erie.
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? “Party In The USA” by Miley Cyrus
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? A: Happier by far … B: fatter, ugh … C: Probably poorer
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Spent time with friends. They are my lifeline. And gotten organized. I keep putting it off.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Worked. I need to find a balance.
20. Did you fall in love in 2008? In ‘08? No. In ‘09? No.
21. What was your favorite TV program? That new Joy Behar talk show on CNN’s HLN.
22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.
23. What was the best book you read? This might have been the first year I haven’t read anything that wasn’t a Pittsburgh history book or a magazine. Hmm…
24. What was your greatest musical discovery? Kiss FM. I had been (and still very much am) in love with B94. But I found Kiss to be as enjoyable.
25. What did you want and get? I wanted a bed. I got a bed. I wanted a video camera. I got a video camera.
26. What did you want and not get? A car.
27. What was your favorite film of this year? Didn’t see any films, just a few lame movies. I did see “Disney’s A Christmas Carol.” It was good.
28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 26. I went to my buddy Jim’s house and played Mario Kart Wii with him, Kelly and Dave for a few hours, had pizza and cake, too! That was the best birthday I had in awhile. Low key, but very fun.
29. What was one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A car. Without a doubt.
30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? Khakis/cargo and a polo shirt. I’m trying to change that.
31. What kept you sane? A few of my friends. My cat, Belle. Sims 3. Sheetz. Twitter. Facebook. Relay For Life.
32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Not a fan of celebs really. But Kate Gosselin had me following her all year. I like her a lot.
33. What political issue stirred you the most? Rather not say.
34. Who did you miss? Snowflake. But, I missed seeing my college friends. I saw a lot of them this year, but seeing them made me miss the more frequent times we shared together.
35. Who was the best new person you met? I can’t pick just one — Carla, Pound, Spoon, Woody, John, Jenn…
36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: Truly great friendships are as rare as a shooting star. When you find one, do your best to keep it.
37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: There’s no question it would be “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” by Green Day … I know, that seems odd for me to say (and a bit of a popular song), but the entire song resonates with me this year … except the dead skin on trial stuff.

Hope everyone is bundled up and enjoying the first day of the new year.  I am certainly glad 2009 is behind us, it was not a great year even though some good things happened along the way.

• First few months of 2009 – traveling, constantly!  But saw some places I wouldn’t otherwise been able to see and some places I would rather forget, driving to LaGuardia airport for one!  Beautiful Macon, GA during the Cherry Blossom festival, who knew??  Fun.
• Laid off from work May 21, 2009 after 8 years of working my ass off and dedicating more than my share of time to a company who just tossed me aside without a second thought.
• Ran my first 200 mile relay, The American Odyssey Relay from Gettysburg, PA to Washington, DC in April, that was fun and an adventure!  Made lots of new friends.
• Applied for tons of jobs, but only two interviews in 2 months, both of which I was passed over, lots of others where I was never even considered.  I was eventually called  back to work as a HR/Payroll person on July 21, hated it, and still do!  But now I’m doing Recruiting too, more work and less pay, lucky me.  Yeah, yeah, I know, I have a job.
• Nice running weather over the summer, loved it, every drop of sweat, or bucket of sweat however you want to look at it.
• Lots of nice long training runs with Kim and Tammy for the Bass Pro Marathon which we ran on November 1, 2009.  About killed me, but I’m glad we got to run and train together.
• WINTER – SUCKS – mild summer = COLD ASS WINTER
• Ran the Ft. Lauderdale 13.1 Marathon with my friend Eric, his first ever race and loved it!  The weather was out of this world, considering it was November 15 and I was wearing shorts and a tank for the race!  That was tons of fun.
• Came home to a sonogram on my coffee table, I’m going to be a Grandma, wow, that sounds old, very old.  But, I’m warming up to the prospect and have started buying diapers.
• Tammy has been sidelined since the November marathon and Kim has been running with me in the mornings, we have a constant bitch fest about the weather, cold, windy, sucks, hate it, sucks, windy, cold, hate it, sucks, you get the picture.
• Training for the Little Rock Marathon March 7, 2010, if my feet don’t start feeling better it may be my last.  There is talk about another Relay though, possibly October in Vegas, I’m hoping Kim, Tammy and Eric will go, wow, that would be so much fun.
• Thanksgiving and Christmas were great and I am ready to get back to normal, it’s a new day today.

The end of 2009, gone for good, nothing but looking forward, hoping I can deal better with work, hoping my body parts doing fall apart while training for the Marathon and hoping all goes well with the upcoming grandchild.

Well I did run today the first day of the year, froze my ass off, but what’s new?  It was a solo run so I finally headed out around 7:15ish, 29 degrees, doesn’t sound that cold, but for some reason I was chilled until about 4.5 miles in and then I was warming up, stupid cold wind.  I actually stopped, squatted down and put my hands under my legs to warm them up, my extremities do not do well below freezing, my fingers were actually hurting from the cold, why is that?  I had nice thick gloves on, actually on my right hand I had a glove, on my left hand I had a thin glove and a mitten on over that, still freezing hands, I’m checking into hand warmers, it was miserable.

I ran almost 6 miles and was so glad to get home into the warmth, have no desire to get back out there.  Why do people like winter?  I don’t get it.  I have a huge list of to-dos for today, I’m such a procrastinator in the winter, I guess if I would turn my thermostat above 60 degrees I might get motivated to get out from under the blanket and off the couch!

Tomorrow will be an 8 mile run at the ADEQ and then Sunday 16 miles, but not sure of the location, haven’t received the  super special Crackhead email yet, but I’m sure it won’t matter, the only thing that matters to me is making sure I’m dressed just right, not to warm, but definitely not too cold, hopefully I will have handwarmers for the rest of my runs.

Okay, up and out of this chair and on to the to-do list, ugh, can I get a helper please?  I need some organization help, there are a few piles of “stuff” I must declutter today.  Wishing myself good luck.  Hope everyone has a Happy New Year Day and hope that 2010 will be a better year for everyone!

i knew how it would end, but my sister insisted anyways with her “we can spend quality time. just the three of us.”, but i knew how it would end that minute it began. the minute she called and said she was on the way. my daddy was coming to get me.

he called me when he was pulling up. i told him to park anywhere. it really didn’t matter. i had just finished a radiation, i had HALFpacked, and i hated goodbyes. my two little sisters sat on the couch with my new, little puppy. they all seemed to look at me with the same, sad puppydog eyes.

#fact–i am almost twenty years old, and i cry every time i leave them.

but these tears were a concoction of nostalgia, not wanting to leave, not getting to say goodbye to my mommy, seeing my father, and this throbbing pain in my chest.

so first stop, CVS PHARMACY to pick up my painkillers. i took four of them, because i felt like i had four different pains. i slept the whole way to SC.

now, of course, pulling up to grandma’s house cures any discomfort because who can frown around a 5″2, pudgy, round lady with a smile that beautiful…and her senile older sister, all under the same roof.

so it was on to the usual. she cooks. we eats. she laughs. we laugh. her sister criticizes. we laugh even more.

my dad looks at me. i try to avoid his glances. he asks me about school. i answer honestly. i mean–not much he can say anyways. taught my grandma how to play dominos. taught my little sister how to handle my aunt.

then ofcourse…he always wants to talk.

my naive little sister always thinks it’s best to talk about everything. i sadly disagree. some things are better left unsaid like, “if i come back to live with you, i will die. i promise.” and “all i know is what you tell me. i haven’t seen a grade or anything. i don’t even know if you’re really in school.”

yea. some things people should just keep to themselves.

because statements like that unleash other unveiled truths like “you were never there for me. i suffered all by myself. and now you want to help.” and “all you’re thinking about is what you want, not what you are capable of doing.”

what does he mean? i am sure i didn’t WANT to not eat on certain days. i am sure i didn’t WANT to pay every expense in my life on my own. but both of those things show me just how capable i AM. thank you anyways though.

again. some things people should just keep to themselves.

don’t ask me at exactly which point the conversation took a turn for the worse. was it the fact that he sat there ever so calmly as i was in tears, like they didn’t matter? or the fact that he is NOW willing to help me pay tuition…after i struggled to pay it myself? or maybe him standing behind me at CVS when the pharmtech asked me if i had insurance, and waiting until after i said no to pull out his insurance card…after the $300 copay i paid for my radiation an hour prior?

i don’t know what did it for me. the fact that my eleven year old brother got a cellphone for christmas? or my 17 year old brother has a car? smh. i just don’t understand. but maybe understanding is not the point. and once i can realize that, maybe life will be a little easier.

he sat across the room from me and told me that i could have the WORLD, if i just came back to live under his roof.

and i nicely declined.

because i can’t fight the fact that until i understand…nothing between us could ever work. and that’s just the truth.

To clarify, my husband was a damn good husband. I was truely blessed by Allaah. He was perfect for me. He was so kind and caring. He did anything and everything for me, from getting the kids in the mornings to cooking us lovely meals and striving for us all to make hijrah.

Its very easy to forget the good qualities about a person when you fall out with them or they show their dark side. The shaytaan thrives off people hating each other and especially spouces falling out so he blocks out the good points about eachother in order to highlight the bad.

The prophet Muhammad saw said “A believer must not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics he will be pleased with another.” Sahih Muslim

That goes with men too. Sometimes in anger or hurt we are only capable of seeing the bad in some one but when we start thinking about the good we start to calm down and relax, maybe even smile, but for me I find it dangerous because if I keep thinking about the good I wont be able to let go, it may be too hard for me to get over him. I guess sometimes anger is a coping mechanism. Its easier to lash out and say hurtful things or think bad of a person and only focus on the negatives to protect ourselves from getting hurt.

The fact of the matter is. My husband didnt do anything wrong. The whole marriage breaking up was down to me and me alone. I needed to engage my brain before speaking and doing.

Do I think my husband could have been more patient especially considering we have children? Yes. Do I think he should have opened up more rather then bottling things up? Yes. Do I think he could have exhausted all other avenues possible to us before divorcing me? Yes.

When I look back in heindsight I realise just how much more we could have done, me AND him to save this marriage, to save our family but I cant keep dwelling on that, yet I cant help but.

What will I say to my kids when they get older and ask me why we broke up. I’ll have no choice but to say “Your mummy treated your daddy really bad even though your daddy was brilliant to mummy”. Will they blame me for not having their parents together and having a normal family home?

I dont know what Allaah swt holds for me in the future but whatever it is I beg him to protect my children and never let this damage them or destroy them in any way shape or form. Ameen

I sometimes think of years in terms of calendars, of the pictures and themes that each holds. As a child, these calendars would fall into themes of endless similarity. For years, I had American Girl calendars, and I really can’t distinguish most of my elementary school years. The puppies and wolves of middle school gave way to more variety come high school (most memorable being Disney characters and Pirates of the Caribbean).

In 2008, my calendar was Edward Hopper paintings, full of pale light, fanciful images and good times with friends.

2009 was the year of Marvel Superheroes.  When things got stressful, I’d look to my calendar for moments of crystal clear right-and-wrong, primary colors and childlike wonder.

For the upcoming year, my calendar is The Beatles, with simply black and white photography and minimalist design. There are moments of tranquility among madness captured in black and white photos, and I know I will find these moments in my day to day life, no matter how hectic and stressful life becomes.

A happy, safe and prosperous New Year to you all!