The title of this post was inspired by a few single friends of mine and friends of friends that are looking for love. I cannot fathom, for the life of me why they are single. They are, after all very fab and very loveable. Friends and I have often discussed why it is so hard to find someone ‘decent’ at ‘our ages’ (in our third decade of life). We often lament that all the decent ones are taken but I’m sure that’s not really the case. My friends are decent but yet to be taken. Could it be our hectic work schedules added by extremely high expectations and standards? Besides going on countless speed dating events, mixers and online dating sites, what can one do?

“They” say love comes when you least expect it and I suppose that was true in my case. Never in a million years did I think I’d end up snogging some random European tourist/student in some seedy Sydney nightclub/bar which resulted in marriage and Amazing M.

I’m no female Casanova so the advice I thought I would share with you comes from my self-help hero, Louise Hay.

DEAR LOUISE,

I need someone in my life! Any affirmations to attract love? Thank you so much! -Becca

Dear Becca,

There’s a big difference between the need for love, and being needy for love. When you’re needy for love, it means that you’re missing love and approval from the most important person you know—yourself. You may become involved in relationships that are co-dependent and ineffectual for both partners.

You can never create love in your life by talking or thinking about being lonely. Feeling lonely and needy just pushes people away. Nor can you heal a relationship in your life by talking or thinking about how awful it is. This only places attention on what’s wrong. You want to turn your thoughts away from the problem and create new thoughts that will produce a solution. Arguing for your limitations is just resistance, and resistance is simply a delay tactic. It’s another way of saying, “I’m not good enough to have what I’m asking for.”

The first relationship to improve is the one you have with yourself. When you’re happy with yourself, then all of your other relationships improve, too. A happy person is very attractive to others. If you’re looking for more love, then you need to love yourself more. This means no criticism, no complaining, no blaming, no whining, and no choosing to feel lonely. It means being very content with yourself in the present moment and choosing to think thoughts that make you feel good now.

If you want to go from loneliness thinking to fulfillment thinking, then you need to think in terms of creating a loving mental atmosphere within you and around you. Do let all those negative thoughts about love and romance just fade away; and instead, think about sharing love, approval, and acceptance with everyone you meet.

When you’re able to contribute to the fulfillment of your own needs, then you won’t be so needy and co-dependent. It has to do with how much you love yourself. When you truly love who you are, you stay centered, calm, and secure, and your relationships at home as well as at work are wonderful. You’ll find yourself reacting to various situations and people differently. Matters that once may have been desperately important won’t seem quite as crucial anymore. New people will enter your life, and perhaps some old ones will disappear—this can be kind of scary at first—but it can also be wonderful, refreshing, and exciting.

Remember, when you think joyous thoughts, you’ll be a happy person, everyone will want to be with you, and all of your current relationships will improve. Here are some favorite affirmations:

From time to time, I ask those I love, “How can I love you more?”

Love happens! I release the desperate need for love, and instead, allow it to find me in the perfect time-space sequence.

I draw love and romance into my life, and I accept it now.

Love is around every corner, and joy fills my entire world.

I rejoice in the love I encounter every day.

I am comfortable looking the mirror, saying, “I love you, I really love you.”

I now deserve love, romance, and joy—and all the good that Life has to offer me.

Love is all there is!

*** *** Louise

First off, I was unable to go to the speed dating event two nights ago. As I mentioned, I’ve been battling a bad cold over the last week and have been on antibiotics for the last few days. I was disappointed not to go, if not for the experience alone, but I knew it was best to get fully better and not expose my cold to anyone. The one positive thing I hoped from getting a cold was a sweet, sexy rhasp to my voice… but NO. I woke up to my phone ringing the other day to confirm an order I made to a print shop, sounding like a 70 year old man. I tried apologizing but it just continued getting worse. Luckily, my voice is almost back to normal.

Now if you can believe it, the guy I was talking about in ‘I Fed Him French Fries for Crying Out Loud!‘ finally took the initiative to reach out to me yesterday. However, it was surprisingly on the online dating site where our conversation initially started.

Heeelllu dere =)

Me: Hey stranger.

I couldn’t believe how ridiculous this was. I felt like we were back to square one and the mind games were starting again. It’s like we never hung out or kissed before. Quite honestly it felt like a slap in the face and it hurt.

I completely agreed with elizabethbennett2‘s comment, that he probably wasn’t into me as much as I was into him, and just wanted the “relationship” to die of starvation.

However, when I gave this guy space and finally came to terms with not seeing him anymore, he reached out in a form that I found very confusing and bizarre. After having gone on 4 dates, why was this guy messaging me on the site that everything started. Why not just call me and have a conversation? Even texting me is better than starting from square one again. Part of me didn’t even think I should respond. Although I couldn’t help but feel that maybe he still felt something deep within that pushed him to message me.

So as our online conversation continued, he proceeded to ask me about how my cruise was. He then told me he had a large amount of work to get done before the school year finished and was feeling a bit overwhelmed by it. Which made me think: Well, maybe I’m being too hard on him. Maybe he can’t commit to making any definite plans aside from focusing on his studies right now. But hang on… he can still make the time to go the gym a few times a week and continue having conversations with girls from the website? I’m busy too, but if I genuinely liked someone I would still make the time to see them. 

Then he asked me if I’ve received any crazy messages from anyone on the site recently. I was honest and told him I’ve received a few messages but I haven’t met up with anyone since him. He told me he hadn’t met up with anyone else either. However, he was still communicating with girls and even sent me an entire conversation thread he recently had with one of them. I was shocked. She was accusing him of just looking to sleep around with girls from the site based on a comment he made in his profile description. Which led into a heated back and forth conversation with him defending himself and telling her off. WHY would he be sending this to me. Why do I care what conversations he is having with other girls?

He also recently got back into smoking weed, and I have no clue whether that could have any effect on the way he’s been communicating with me. I promised myself I wouldn’t judge him for that. However, it is an issue if it dramatically affects his behaviour.

I always find the male mind a strange thing to wrap my head around, which is why I welcome opinions from all my readers about what they make of him. Is it time to ignore and move on?

Fateful attraction

Cheryl met Roger at 42 and is now mother to Emily and Rory, and stepmother to four.

‘In my late twenties and thirties I was always a great believer in serendipity.  Whenever I met a man, invariably I felt the hand of fate pushing me towards him.  Our meeting might have been by chance, but this was ‘meant to be’.  Consequently, everyone I met was ‘the one’ and I threw myself headlong into relationships determined to make them work.  As I got older, my friends became exasperated – I was known for saying on several occasions, ‘I have just met the most wonderful, and perfect man.  We sat up talking till 4am, putting the world to rights.  We’ve mapped out our future and we’re moving in together…’

‘Early on in a relationship, most of us are in the thrall of new love.  As we progress through our thirties, some of us close our ears, eyes and minds to any warning signs that might call for us to reign in on our enthusiasm for a new man and acknowledge any unpleasant truths.  I know I did.

‘I refused to see faults, impracticalities, bad signals and straightforward incompatibility.  I was caught up in serendipity every time – and I always got it wrong.  I was prepared to compromise on everything, just so I could feel good about ‘having a relationship.’  I believe I had a low sense of self-esteem, stemming from childhood.  I was not a high achiever and in my family we had an ethos of ‘making do’ – not a great neighbourhood, not a good school, selfish parents…

‘By the time I reached 40, I woke up to the fact that hurling myself at a man ‘because it was fate’ was not the answer.  I realised that I was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  It wasn’t fate at all – it was desperation.  My blinkered determination was so strong that I dreamed of being able to prove everyone wrong and say, ‘I told you so!’

‘I had always hoped for a family, but by the time I was 40 and still single, I had resigned myself to singledom and certain childlessness.  I put all my effort into my job and some charity fundraising and got a cat.  Plainly, relationships were not for me.

‘I met Roger on a cookery holiday in Italy.  He was the only man there – and at 57, the oldest too.  Because I wasn’t under any fateful (or fatal) pressure to ‘get a relationship’, I was far more natural.  We cooked some wonderful food together, explored the heavenly Tuscan countryside and sat talking, drinking wine and watching the sunset over the sunflower fields and vineyards.  Now, that was romantic.  We met up after the holiday to share photographs over a home-cooked Italian meal and took it from there.  As a widower, Roger was reluctant to begin another relationship too quickly.  My hesitancy also helped us to take it just one step at a time.

‘We married when I was 42 and I found out that I was expecting twins.  I had given up on relationships and on the prospect of having a child.  Now I have both in spades, plus an unexpected, and sometimes challenging role as a stepmother.’

Cheryl’s advice:  ‘You cannot force fate – fate will work for you when you least expect it.  Don’t go looking for it:  let it come to you.  Don’t be blinded by love or compromise totally when you meet someone.  Take note of the warning signals and never resolve to change someone to suit you, or change yourself to suit them.  There is someone out there for you.  Relax, chill out and look the other way.  If fate determines it, he will tap on your shoulder and say, ‘I have been looking for you.’’

Desperate and delusional

Sophie, 42, is a consultant oncologist, now married to Nick, who runs a printing business.  She has been married a year and a half and has just had baby Joshua.  Here, Sophie recalls (with horror) her delusions and inability in the past to accept when a relationship had ended.

‘Professionally, I have always been smart – I have to be, but I cringe when I think of how dreadfully inept and pathetic I was on the dating front.  I have spent most of my adult life studying and working in hospitals.  With very few exceptions, I always dated men from the medical profession.  I was once compared to the crazy hospital administrator, Joanna Clore, from Channel 4’s The Green Wing.  I had many problems on the man front – I tried too hard, dated people too close to home (professionally speaking) and I was generally full on.

‘My one big problem was that I found the ending of a relationship impossible to accept, even if I’d instigated it – I always wanted to remain friends.  The usual chain of events meant that I would meet my ex for an occasional drink, I would invite him over for dinner and one thing would lead to another.  In my mind I had cured myself of being a former girlfriend and had instead tempted him back into my life again.  A relationship that had been off was quickly converted back to one that was on again.  I didn’t do this just once but over the years, more times than I care to admit.  My friends all castigated and lectured me about ‘over meaning over, and when you’re dumped, find someone else,’ but it was like a kind of addiction to me.  Finally, at the age of 38, one incident terminated once and for all my delusional aspirations to inveigle my way back in to a relationship that had irretrievably broken down.

‘I had been going out with Callum, a doctor junior to me in age and rank, for about six months.  We’d had a lot of fun and the relationship was quite relaxed.  I admit, I’d even been mentally ‘making plans’ for the future so I was devastated when he announced that he’d met someone else and that we were finished.  I found it impossible to accept and began my ‘let’s be good friends routine’.  Callum seemed to accept this, and it wasn’t long before we were occasionally falling back into bed with each other, although he was adamant we were not a couple.

‘One morning over breakfast at my apartment, Callum asked if I could lend him £3,000.  He said he still had loans that needed paying off but he was expecting some money from his grandmother’s legacy soon.  Naturally, I was delighted to help, and felt that this financial arrangement bound us even closer together.  So I paid up.  About a week later a colleague took me to one side after surgery and told me that Callum had used the £3,000 I’d loaned him to buy a diamond engagement ring for the ‘someone else’ he’d alluded to.  And no, of course I didn’t get the money back.  In one fell swoop I had been dumped (again), humiliated, conned and passed over for a younger nurse.  Furthermore these details about my personal life were all public knowledge within the hospital, from the porters up to the chief executive.  Oh, the shame!

‘When I met Nick a year later he found my reticence and caution quite alluring.  And he bought me an engagement ring with his own money.’

Sophie says:  ‘My advice to anyone suffering from delusions about relationships, similar to mine is never, ever, ever go back – even if it’s just for an old times’ sake fling.  If he wants you back, he would have to beg on his knees and do everything in his power to win you over again.  And still you must say no.  Men enjoy the hunt and the chase.  If you’re presenting yourself on a plate, even for a new relationship, there will be no challenge.  And never, ever, lend money to an ex-boyfriend.’

A clean start

Claire was 37 when she met Craig (after a lifetime of disastrous dating, of which the longest relationship was four months).  She’s now married and mother to Eliza.

‘In recent years the word ‘toxic’ has been used to describe the poisoning of emotions and relationships.  It is a powerful word and as a writer, I feel that it’s an apt description of my life prior to meeting Craig.  A lake filled with toxic chemicals kills living things and causes stagnation, and I believe the same is true of emotions.  Bad experiences, like battle scars, are left behind and take a long time to heal.  If we move from one bad relationship without purging the toxicity left behind or allowing the wounds to heal then we’re simply creating more pollution with which to taint and destroy the next fledgling relationship.

‘For reasons I won’t go into here, I had a catalogue of bad dating and relationship experiences going right back to my teens.  By my mid-thirties, I was such a cynical and resentful individual that one man walked out of a restaurant via the kitchens on our first date.

‘I took the advice of a friend and started seeing a therapist, who helped me to clear the dross from my past.  Together we wiped my slate clean and erased all the one-night stands, arguments, bad experiences and feelings of low self-esteem.  We swept away all the poison and worked on my self-image. I was also encouraged to help others in order to avoid becoming too self-absorbed, so I helped out at a hostel for the homeless.  I saw for myself the effects bad experiences had on others, physically and mentally.

‘Away from my therapist I rewrote my ‘rules’ for dating men and resolved to be in control of my destiny.  I was a lake, pure and fresh, and would not allow myself or anyone else to pollute its clear waters.  I know it sounds weird but visualisation is a great therapy and good way to achieve goals.

‘I met Craig while skiing in Austria.  He found me ‘enigmatic and mysterious.  I didn’t harp on about all the bad relationships I’d had or put him off with a twisted attitude to men – I was the new me and a better person for it.  A good relationship had been so difficult in the past.  Now, it seemed straightforward, natural and totally uplifting.  Having Eliza completed the picture.’

Claire says:  ‘My advice would be:  If you have had bad relationships or still have issues to work through, take a break from looking for a man and sort yourself out.  Get help, if you need it.  Try and find someone who can help you visualise the breaking of ties and the removal of bad or harmful things that might be holding you back now.  When you are ready, start afresh and keep some form of spiritual or religious insight in your head every day and commune with it.’

Irritatingly independent

Mary met Peter at 38 and married at 40.  She had Poppy at 42 and another baby a month after her 45^th birthday.

‘My problem was that I was unbelievably independent.  I was a commercial lawyer and thought most men were beneath me – intellectually and in terms of their success.  This was a good excuse but in reality, I was completely married to my career and my own success.

‘One morning I experienced a thunderbolt moment and decided that the emphasis in my life had to change:  I had a nasty habit of scaring men off with my power dressing, power thinking, female empowerment and supersonic-lawyer-thing.  It all became abundantly clear when I took a good look at myself in a full-length mirror.  I was dressed in my dark tailored business suit and observed my neat bleached hair and bright red lipstick.  Standing tall in my heels and black stockings, I resembled a dominatrix.  All that was missing was the whip.  I realised then that I was coming across as threatening.  Men need to feel they are protecting women, that they are the hunter-gatherers.

‘I discussed this one evening with a male colleague who clarified the situation for me. He said that men like to compete with other men, not with women.  Outside the work environment, high-powered women are scary to just about all men.  They’re definitely not a turn-on.  Men have a basic need to be needed.  Without being superior, they want to be able to do things that women can’t.  The guys want someone with whom they can grow, who can teach them how to be more sensitive.

‘I met Peter when I went to stay one weekend with some married friends, John and Minty, at their farmhouse.  Peter was John’s brother, and was a fruit farmer.  Not my type at all.  But during that winter weekend, he impressed me.  I had a puncture on my BMW convertible, and he changed the wheel in the pouring rain and fixed a faulty electric window.  He then came in, dripping wet, and prepared a magnificent roast for twelve people, single-handedly.  Later, he iced a Christmas cake for the village raffle.  Not only was he manly, practical, resilient, kind and a good cook; over dinner I found him witty, intriguing and attractive.  He was also six years younger than me.  I softened in his company and he was able to bring out an inner gentleness I never knew I possessed.

‘After a successful career I was fortunate to have my family late in life, without any problems.  I almost feel that I don’t deserve this.  Peter’s humility, contentment, kindness and energy made me see how hardened I had become.  I am humbled and deeply honoured to marry him and have his children.’

Mary advises:  ‘Don’t let your job or career dominate you.  Switch off the power woman thing if you meet a good man.  Don’t compete with men – they can do that with other men.  Men want someone they can grow with, someone they feel they can protect.  If he feels you can fend for yourself, then he may feel redundant and leave.  Don’t treat him as inferior to you.  Men are not that difficult to figure out.  He will have lots to offer.  Make sure you don’t trump him at every turn and that you can offer a contrasting feminine side.  You don’t have to give up your career – just tone down its dominance on you and your lives together.’

Escape the ‘single girl syndrome’

Cara, 43, married Simon when they were both 40.  Over 20 years, Cara had had 12 ‘steady’ relationships, but was always looking out for someone better.  After ten months on her own, she met Simon at the funeral of a work colleague.

‘I suffered from what the Americans call ‘Single Girl Syndrome’.  I was so busy having fun and could never find anyone right for me.  Consequently, I was never in a ‘real’ relationship.  I always found faults – he wasn’t the handsomest man in the room, he wasn’t quite tall enough, he wasn’t as successful as I would like, he wasn’t fit enough – the list was never-ending.

‘Whenever the initial romance in a relationship began to transform into attachment, I felt it was curbing my lifestyle.  Snuggling down on the sofa with my man to watch a TV drama series or ironing his shirts just wasn’t what I had in mind when it came to relationships.  I would far rather be out clubbing, having a good time with my girlfriends or be down at the gym getting toned.  One relationship also really hurt me and it took years to shake off the pain.  I visited a psychologist who revealed that I had a problem loving myself and had barriers to break down before I could love anyone else.  I also realised that I had never in my whole life been in a relationship with someone who loved me.  No one had ever said, ‘I love you’.  I never stayed long enough for love to grow.

‘I met Simon when I was at a very low ebb and I think, that for the first time, I was able to be the real me.  Neither of us intended for our meeting to turn into friendship, and for friendship to blossom into love and marriage, but it did.  Loving someone and being loved is the best feeling in the world.  Or maybe it’s having two babies to love when I thought my time was up.  Both are utterly wonderful.’

Cara says:  ‘I would advise women in their thirties not to flit about and act like they’re still in their twenties.  Grow up and get in touch with your own feelings (or lack of them).  In a man, see if his good qualities outweigh the bad.  At the same time, take a close look at yourself and do the same exercise.  Don’t fear attachment to someone, embrace it.  And improve your sense of self-esteem:  if you can’t respect yourself, how can you expect someone else to?’

Dismiss the Hollywood image of ‘Mr Right’.  Go and find ‘Mr Right for you’

Nita, 45, married Rick when she was 39.  They have two children, Felix and Barney.

‘Ever since I was a small girl, I was captivated by films and entertainment.  So I fulfilled my dream to work in the industry, becoming a make-up artist.  I came into contact with A-list celebrities and spent most of my working life off set transforming people’s faces.  Not surprisingly, I began to confuse my real world with the unattainable heights of beauty, romance and love portrayed in the movies.  Again, unsurprisingly, my target for Mr Right was exceedingly high – I wanted a dashingly handsome, ruggedly strong, powerhouse of lust and romance.  George Clooney would have been ideal.  Hardly surprising then that he didn’t live in my neck of the woods.

‘I think a lot of women have become brainwashed by the media and the culture of celebrity.  Most men are normal, and so are most women.  I also learned that things are never what they seem and the Hollywood ending is so utterly unlikely that it would never, ever happen, let alone to me.  It would make sense to give a regular guy a chance.  So that’s what I did.

‘Rick would kill me for describing him as a regular guy, but he is a million miles from the Tom Cruise Action Man type I’d envisaged.  He’s nice looking (not a lot of hair, mind), smiles a lot, is handy about the house with his Black & Decker, makes me laugh and is completely ensconced in the responsibilities of fatherhood.  And he loves me, and I love him.  Rick works in films too, and our paths had crossed for years.  It was only when we shared a car travelling to a film shoot on a Scottish mountain that we really got talking.  I knew within ten minutes that we were right for each other.  I was 38 and Rick was my Mr Right.’

Nita says:  ‘My advice would be stopping looking for Mr Right – he doesn’t exist.  Instead, dispense with any ideal you hold in your head.  You will have been influenced by all different kinds of things, including your friends, the media and other role models in your life (what about your father?).  Instead, be very open-minded.  Have no preconceptions.  Are you a Hollywood goddess?  No?  I’m not saying lower your standards:  just accept that most men are average, everyday people just like you.  You don’t have to settle for the first man that comes along, so be prepared to kiss a few frogs along the way.  Come down from fantasyland and be prepared to take a chance.  Remember, you won’t find Mr Right, but you might just find Mr Right for you.’

Just be yourself

Vicky was 38 when she met Nigel.  She was still 38 when they got married.

‘I have spent most of my adult life pretending.  I have always tried to fit into groups or cliques by being like the people in them, although I am naturally more solitary by nature.  I just wanted to be liked.  I used to boast a lot about my achievements and even made things up to impress people.  During my twenties, if I was ever on my own, I was miserable in my own company.  I mellowed as I went through my thirties, but I realised that I was copying my friends or people I admired.  I copied people’s clothes and even entered a career I didn’t particular like, just so I could be like my friends.  I bought a particular model of car because my friend had one; I went on holidays I didn’t enjoy because that’s what the group had decided, and I even went out with someone because he was a friend of my friend’s boyfriend.  (It really depresses me writing this when I think back to what I was like!)

‘I didn’t really decide to be me – it just happened.  I was sent to work in France for a couple of months, although my French was very shaky.  Whilst there I met Nigel, who was also British.  We soon teamed up socially as we couldn’t get along in French.  At first neither of us was physically attracted to each other (after all, he didn’t fit my friends’ ‘ideal types’), but we developed a sparking fusion on a completely new level – it was all in the head and so exciting and stimulating.  I was also away from home in a different environment so I had to be myself, not some invention.

‘Nigel was the complete opposite of the stereotypes I had always gone for in the past, just to fit in.  With him, I also found a new me – someone who could express an independent view, develop her style and taste.  We realised the sheer depth of our feelings for each other when his assignment ended and he returned from Paris to London.  We ached to be together, and for the first time in my life I knew what love was.

‘It was great being able to plan my wedding all by myself.  My two closest friends were surprised not be bridesmaids (I didn’t have any) and I loved being able to do things my way.’

Vicky’s advice:  ‘Just be yourself.  Don’t do things to please others or earn their respect.  A man will love you for being you, not some kind of other person impressionist.’

Choose normal, not someone you want to change to fit your ideal

Kathryn was 39 when she met Martin.  Now 49, they have three children together.

‘After years of disastrous dating I met Martin.  I had always been attracted to the wrong kind of men for me.  I probably had a self-destruct button when it came to man selection.  I learned nothing from my disasters and kept believing I could mould or even ‘cure’ men to suit me.  I think it stemmed from a low sense of self-esteem, with throwbacks to my relationships with my parents and being bullied at boarding school.

‘I met Martin through mysinglefriend.com.  My sister, Elspeth, thought I needed a fresh approach to dating and put my details forward.  After some initial reticence, I became hooked.  It seemed such an obvious way to meet people and it was great fun.  I came into cyber contact with some interesting men, and found the whole process intriguing and inspirational.   I was drawn to Martin and we began a relationship over the phone, because he lived 150 miles away.   We discussed everything, and I couldn’t wait until the allotted time every night when we would speak.   The anticipation and nerves before our first date were huge.   I wanted it all to work out and for me not to mess it up.   I also hoped he wouldn’t find me too old looking.

‘Martin was the first normal man I think I had ever met.  He runs a successful mail order company, and he wanted to settle down and have a family.  He is practical, popular, kind, friendly and funny.  I was blown away by how he fell in love with me – he was completely smitten.  He told a friend of mine that he would do ANYTHING, absolutely ANYTHING to get me.  I found my reserved attitude to commitment eradicated by his unashamed love, and reciprocated fully.  I had finally stopped wishing for, or trying to change a man to fit in with my preconceptions.  Because we were unable to spend a lot of time together, we made the absolute most of our weekends.  As they say, ‘absence really does make the heart grow fonder.’  He wasn’t what I had envisaged but he was perfect and I didn’t want to change him one jot.’

Kathryn says:  ‘Give the guys a break.  Men are just as confused about women as women are about men.  Don’t try and change someone because he doesn’t suit you.  Accept it:  he doesn’t suit you.  Internet dating is a great way to widen your potential market.  There are lots of men out there and there is someone right for you.  Go with the flow, relax and be yourself.’

Be the hunted, not the hunter

Carolyn, 43, has been living with Alastair for the last four years.

‘Right across the animal kingdom and in all cultures and civilisations since man inhabited the planet, in courtship the male of the species has chased and caught the female.  True, there might be a few exceptions to this rule but by and large, it’s the boys pursuing the girls.

‘So I don’t know why I wasted about five years of my adult life pursuing any man who took my fancy and then bemoaned the fact that I couldn’t meet a man who was right for me.  At the age of 35 I decided that I would ‘take action’ and become a ‘dating activist’.  I answered adverts in the paper, tried to pick up men up in pubs and at clubs. I flirted outrageously with colleagues and pursued relentlessly those who didn’t appear to be returning my affections.  I had a lot going for me – I was attractive and bright, with a good sense of humour.  I had travelled throughout the world in my job as an IT consultant, and I had a cool home and a flashy car.

‘Looking back on the way I behaved, I’m appalled.  Men were like prey and I hunted them down.  It all became about the capture and making a conquest.  I didn’t know what I wanted once I had them, so moved on to the next one.

‘I am ashamed to admit it, but the turning point came one morning in the office.  The night before, I’d slept with a man I’d met while out with colleagues after work.  He was rather gorgeous, but hadn’t asked if he could see me again.  So I deliberately left one of my rings on his bedside table, using it as the perfect excuse to engineer another meeting.

‘I found his office number in the phone book and rang him at work.  I told him that I had left my grandmother’s engagement ring at his house and asked if I could come over and pick it up.  He said that he had it with him at his office and would arrange for a courier to deliver it to my workplace.  When it arrived, there was a slip of paper in the envelope saying, ‘You’re a slut and your grandfather was obviously a cheapskate.’  Harsh words when you are desperate to find someone to love and be loved by.

‘You should always expect the unexpected, but forget all this ‘seek and ye shall find’ malarkey because it just doesn’t apply to lifelong partners.  Yes, you can throw your heart and soul into finding the right house, job, car and outfit, but the harder you look for the perfect man the more he will elude you.

‘So, I laid off the hunting and chasing, and explored more cultural interests.  I went to literary festivals and art galleries and began attending a wine appreciation class, where I met Alastair, a fellow oenophile.  Each week we sat next to each other.  After class, we started going out for dinner at a nearby restaurant and over an extended period of time became friends, soul mates and then lovers.’

Carolyn’s advice:  ‘Let the men come to you.  Men prefer to do the chasing –they’ll be put off by a woman who’s way too keen and relentless in her pursuit.  I’ve even heard men discussing women who try to corner them, describing them as mad, unstable, desperate or aggressive.  Difficult it may seem, but try to play a bit hard-to-get.  It adds a bit of mystery.  Be your own person:  independent and confident.  This is far more attractive to the male of the species than being a determined predator.’

Desperate cows’ lives

And now for a male perspective…  Patrick was 39 when he met Nicky (then 37), two years ago.

‘I met and married Nicky very quickly, finally, after a long and generally unsuccessful series of romances.  I found that as I got older, the women I was attracted to were also older.  But the older they were, the more desperate they appeared to be.  In many cases, I was surprised by how much crap they took in a relationship.  I admit, I could be a real tosser and utterly selfish with it.

‘I had a girlfriend a couple of years back who was a year older than me and desperate to ‘make it work.’  I behaved appallingly because I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with her.  I was always late and sometimes didn’t show up at all.  I openly flirted with other women, ‘forgot’ my wallet on several occasions and even though I could, never shopped, cooked, put the washing machine on or did any other domestic chores.  She did it all for me.  Even though she enjoyed a drink, she always stayed sober to drive me home after parties.  That was great.  The more I behaved badly, the more of a doormat she became.  I even tried to end the relationship, but she always came back accepting the blame and grovelling for me to stay.

‘When I met Nicky, she was not desperate at all.  She felt important, had high standards and a strong sense of self-worth.  She was so sexy, too – she just oozed head-turning sex appeal and confidence.  I had to chase her and impress her to get her to notice me.  She was a prize definitely worth working for and the more elusive she appeared, the more I wanted her.  I was stunned when she went on a holiday with a girlfriend to Italy and when she began considering a job offer in the States.  I knew that if I wasn’t careful then she would slip out of my hands, so I proposed.  She is the only woman I have ever loved and even now we are married her energy, originality, sexiness and independence ensure that I am in a constant ‘keen-as-mustard’ state.’

Patrick says:  ‘Don’t think or act in a desperate way.  Think what you want out of life and go and get it.  If you compromise your life to accommodate a love interest, he won’t thank you for it.  Men enjoy the thrill of pursuit and always want something they can’t have.  Have high standards – you wouldn’t accept bad behaviour from your friends or colleagues.  Don’t put up with being given the run-around by a dickhead who’s never going to commit.’

Extracted from Finding Mr Right by Annie Harrison.  Available in paperback and on Kindle.

Online ‘dating’ sites have been a steady source of entertainment and frustration. I’ve made a social experiment out of them, and I’m borderline obsessed with learning about how men think and why they act the way they do. I’ve concluded that part of it is that they’re either clueless or don’t care, and the other part is that females unknowingly turning the princes – the ones who are willing to give the relationship thing a try – into TOADS. I’ve done it myself, It ain’t pretty.

I hope my words will entertain and educate as I make room in my brain by releasing them into cyberspace. I’ve got a lot more to learn and experience before true love walks into my life. Join me as I continue to grow……..

I did. I signed myself up to a fairly reputable online dating service, uploaded the pictures, wrote out the w@nky profile information and set my filters for who and who could not contact me.

Here is a hot tip: If you specify that you are not interested in dating anyone who has children, nor are you interested in dating anyone who has English as a SECOND language – prepare yourself to receive mainly messages from guys with kids and guys who can barely string a sentence together.

I had one charming fellow abuse me because how dare I not appreciate that his little boy was the best thing in his life and if I couldn’t handle that, then I was a b***h. Hey guy, what a way to get a girls attention! You’re right, I have changed my mind! Please take me to Macca’s where your spawn can play in the playground and we can stare adoringly into each others eyes!! You had me at Hello!

So in my previous blog post, I mentioned that the novelty of returning to the metro area of my beloved Brisbane had worn off and I was sick of drunken conversations with drooling, incoherent idiots at bars. Surprisingly, I kept this up for another month or so.

Then I finally committed to replying back to someone. His name was, actually I am not sure what it was. Let’s call him John*. John seemed like he had his sh*t together. Had a great job, had crossed the ditch from another country, worked out West and worked on a roster. I am familiar with working away and rosters thanks to my previous line of employment. Anyway, after a few messages which seemed all above-board and normal, we swapped phone numbers. John and I continued to swap texts and one day John asked if I would like to meet him for a coffee next time he was in the city on his days off. I said yes.

After a week of pleasant text messages, things changed. John started asking if I could take a week off work and we could go away together and I could show him more of this beautiful State. I told John that while I was very flattered, I would like to stick to coffee as we had agreed upon and see where we went from there.

Two days later John started referring to me as babe/hot stuff/ cutie pie / sweetie and telling me how much he could not wait to see me. Alarm bells started to go off.

It was when John sent 7 messages in an hour with pictures of the hotel room he had booked for ‘us’ for four nights that I freaked out. What part of skinny hazelnut latte translated to hotel room for 4 nights with a complete stranger? What was happening!!!!

Historically, I have been known to continue to entertain these incredibly forceful men. Usually because I like to give everyone more than one chance and I do think that, inherently everyone is good and has the best of intentions.

Unfortunately, due to my alarm bells going MENTAL and my flashbacks to crazy McGee the year before yelling at me in the middle of the street – I bailed. I just deleted his phone number, closed down my account and never made contact again. I felt bad obviously. He just was NOT getting the hint though!

So that is my one and only experience. It is the closest I have come.

This is why I am nervous. Really nervous…….

Would love to hear from anyone else with crazy stories!

x

     I was sitting at work watching delivery person after delivery person delivering women flowers and little old men quartets coming in singing love songs to surprise women or men from their partners. I sat and thought to myself~ if I had a bow and arrow, cupid would be in big trouble.

     I’m not bitter…just jealous LOL But then I decided to put a whole new spin on the day. Valentine’s Day is about love. I started thinking of all that I love and that I’m in love with. I’m in love with being a mom, I love my boys, I love God, I love my family. I’m truly blessed. It doesn’t have to be about boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. My Valentines day from here on out is to celebrate and reflect on the things and people that I love. Once I put a whole new spin on things, I actually had one of the most fulfilling days of my life.

     I spent my night with three of the most handsome young guys that I know…my boys. And although, they were a bit more focused on doing the thing that they loved most…video games, I went to bed with a happy heart and a smile on my face.

Here, three single women share their own experiences of childlessness.

Camilla, 46

For as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted was a husband and children of my own. I witnessed my sisters’ and friends’ weddings and a rapid succession of nephews and nieces.  As my sisters and most of my friends settled down into routines of domesticity and child rearing, I climbed the corporate ladder at a pharmaceutical company and dated a string of eligible, but wholly unsuitable men.

I endured my share of heartbreak and disappointment on the dating front and stoically attended a batch of weddings every summer that passed. I admit that I cried a lot and felt sorry for myself.  I wallowed in self-pity, resented the happiness of others and longed for my prince to rescue me, the damsel in distress, the hopeful lady-in-waiting…  My only consolation was music – I play the piano – and it became an outpouring for my bitterness.  But there came a point when I glanced up from resentment and saw that my nieces and nephews were growing into wonderful little kids.

I had always been close to my sisters, particularly my twin, but backed off when they got married.  In a typically English way, I thought that nobody would want a spinster sister sticking her oar into family life.  But I was wrong.

On the morning of my 42^nd birthday, I had what some might call an epiphany.  Since it was now extremely unlikely that I would have a family of my own, the only way I could combat my isolation was to get involved with the families closest to me.  So I got over myself and my perpetual state of singledom – and became a yummy auntie instead.

I relished Christmas with my families, lent a helping hand at children’s parties and became hoarse with shouting at school sports days.  I got involved with one of my nephew’s schools and played the piano in the school play when the music teacher was ill.  Suddenly, my network of friends expanded and I found a renewed passion within my humdrum life.

I am always there for my sisters and their families, and wherever possible, for my godchildren and friends’ children.  I can offer my support, and when my hectic work life permits, take great pleasure arranging outings for the kids or having them to stay the weekend.  We camp in the garden, go to the cinema or the ballet, have barbecues, hunt for fossils in the cliffs and take long, muddy bike rides in the countryside.  I occasionally baby-sit, but limit this to a few times a year – I don’t want my good-natured availability to be taken for granted.

Since music is my passion, I have taken ownership of piano lessons for Chloe and Emily, two of my nieces.  I bought them a Bechstein piano and have funded their lessons right up to Grade 6, swelling with pride and wiping tears away when they have played in concerts.

I have carved a role as friend and confidante to these children, as musical sugar-auntie to two of them, and as an unencumbered extra pair of hands at family events.  It’s wonderful to love and be loved, and to admire their youth and vitality.  And do you know what?  It’s not such an odd role in this family – this is the way of life for large Italian families.

And just as soon as having my own children was off my radar, something in me changed and I met Andrew – a handsome divorcé with four grown-up daughters.  We live about 100 miles apart and both of us are unwilling to compromise our current lifestyles, but I suppose you could say, I do have a love interest there.  He doesn’t want commitment, and neither do I – that would mean giving up on my children and my extended family.

So, I didn’t get what I envisaged in life, but I took the next best thing and it has fulfilled me.  I had the option to be bitter and twisted with my lot, but I chose not to take it.  And right now, I wouldn’t have my life any other way.

Rowena, 45

When I was 33, I made an assumption that the man I had dated for three years, the man who proposed to me, who married me and carried me over the threshold wanted to have children.  But I was wrong.  Our viewpoints were completely polarised, and in just two years, our happy marriage was feeling the strain.  To make matters worse, I became ill and needed a hysterectomy.  My wretchedness at being denied parenthood by my husband was compounded by the surgeon’s knife.  Six months later, our short marriage finally broke down for good and we divorced.

I experienced pain, regret, resentment, bitterness, overwhelming sadness and a kind of black void.  It took a long time to shake off and I have to confess to recoiling at the sight of a new baby, or feeling like I had been punched whenever a pregnancy was announced by a friend or colleague.

I had a good counsellor, and between us we worked through this and other issues I had.  A few years later I met Rod, who was divorced with three children:  Paddy, Hamish and Annabel.  Shortly after his divorce, cancer claimed the children’s mother and he took custody of his brood.

The children, who were all under 14 at the time, regarded me with suspicion and resentment.  They felt I was muscling in on their father and trying to resume the role of their mother.  I understood this, but it was still very hard.  If they weren’t ignoring me, they were rude or sullen.  I could do nothing right and I felt them mocking me when my back was turned.  It brought to the surface my barren and childless state – I couldn’t have children of my own, and I couldn’t relate to other people’s children either.  That hurt.  But I was crazy about Rod and finally understood what falling in love was about.  He proposed and I accepted – with some trepidation, I must confess.

It was at this point that the children had a sort of pow-wow in deciding how to treat this woman who was to become their stepmother and an integral part of their family.  They voted in my favour and wrote me a long letter (unprompted by their father), welcoming me into their lives.

They were true to their word and I am now a fulfilled stepmother.  We have been through so much together – good and bad:  exams, sporting competitions, teenage crushes, a dalliance with drugs, plus all their young adult achievements.  I am their mother – they call me Row, but I am their mother.

When I look back over my own life, and the inevitability of my childlessness, this is an outcome which I could barely have dared to wish.’

Jayne, 46

Rummaging through an old storage box at my mother’s house, I came across a photograph of me, taken when I was about three.  I was standing outside a Wendy house in our garden with the little boy from next door – Jeremy, I think he was called.  I was holding my favourite dolly, Polly.  We looked like a miniature married couple proudly showing off our new baby.

The photograph triggered in my mind a recollection that as a child I always wanted to have a family.   Right up to adulthood, this recollection became an assumption.  So, from an early age I aspired to have a family, yet decades later I had failed to live up to this blueprint for life.  Although there has been a man in my life most of the time, this is always a transient arrangement.  A permanent fixture is the house and car, but somewhere down the line I missed my chance to acquire the husband and the children – and love.

I wasn’t a bad person.  I wasn’t unstable or selfish.  I didn’t look or act weird – I was just nice and normal.  And passive.

I didn’t miss out on having a family because I was infertile (although I will never actually know), nor because I postponed pregnancy to concentrate on my career.  Along my romantic journeys I never actually met anyone who mutually agreed that we should make babies together.  I just navigated the maze of serial monogamy, each boyfriend buying a few years of my fertility timeframe.  We had fun, some great holidays and everyday companionship, but each relationship eventually hit a dead end and I would start the unbreakable pattern all over again.

Because I was ‘nice’, I was never the sort of person to trick a man into making me pregnant, nor was it in my nature to bludgeon a man into becoming a parent with me.  I wasn’t brave or selfish enough to seek sperm donation, so I just waited in vain for my dreams to come true, and looked on as my friends hitched and hatched.

I am so angry with myself that I didn’t dump the ditherers and wasted my most precious years.  I indulged myself for the moment and hoped that the future would work out fine.  I yearned for a nuclear family, quietly and to myself.  I lived in fear of a relationship breaking up – I couldn’t bear the prospect of being alone, and I hoped that things would change.  But they didn’t.

Looking back, my life was completely without drama – no ultimatum-fuelled rows, no fraught Christmases, no probing fertility specialists, no mourned miscarriages.  And without defining moments – no breath-catching declarations of love, no blushing bride, no shared ownership, no screaming labour pains or trials of motherhood.  It was a kind of neutral, joyless, middle-of-the-road existence.  I wasn’t prepared to say what I wanted, or to go after the things I desired most.  I didn’t even get angry.  At night, lying awake and alone in the darkness, I imagined that I could hear my unborn children in the distance, crying, ‘Come and get us, Mummy, come and get us!’  And as the years rolled by, their cries became quieter and quieter.   Now there is just silence.

Yes, it is a kind of bereavement and a regret.  I try not to make judgements on cigarette smoking teenage mothers as they stroll past me in the street, pushing a buggy, a phone clamped over an ear with a bawling toddler in tow.  I do get a pang when I see older mothers with babies or small children in a clutch at the school gates.  How did they manage to cross the line when their time was almost up and I didn’t?  And I do wonder how fate conspires to ignore some people’s dreams and lavish on others things that, by rights we’re all entitled to.

I have made my bed and I must lie on it.  There are no children in my life, but I have my health and my (modest) wealth.   I have resolved to find passion, colour, interest and opinion in many new fields and to shake off the beige passivity that has hung over me like a cloud for so long.  I will find a new vibrancy, purpose and happiness and will stop wallowing in the ‘what might have been.’  My horizon is already looking brighter.’

Extracted from Finding Mr Right by Annie Harrison.

Online Dating Websites

A number of websites now use matching algorithms – some sophisticated, some not so – to help you find your ‘perfect match’. A couple of particular sites that use decent matching algorithms are eHarmony and OkCupid, and Plenty Of Fish claims to have the “world’s most advanced matching system” and has over a million users worldwide. The best thing about Plenty Of Fish is that it is free to use, but many dating websites are either free to browse (paid membership required to contact others) or have an inexpensive trial membership. Also, with reportedly over one billion active users, Could A Facebook App Become The World’s Biggest Dating Site? Badoo uses your Facebook login details and has over 180 million users for new friends, chatting and dating, and is linked with the smartphone app Blendr (see below).

Another popular, reputable (and well advertised!) dating site is Match.com, and in the UK, a number of newspapers have their own dating websites where you can meet like-minded individuals. For example, The Guardian has Soulmates and The Telegraph has Telegraph Dating.

Specialist/Alternative Online Dating Websites

There are also a number of less mainstream, more specialised dating websites to find someone of a particular type:

• For lesbian and gay relationships, gay.com [you might also like to head over to Joseph Atkins’s post on the 25 Best Free Gay Dating Apps
• For the internet’s biggest Jewish dating service, Jdate.com
• For arts lovers, Love Arts
• For single parents, Dating For Parents
• For those who are interested in the environment, animal rights and/or vegetarianism, GreenSingles

Smartphone/Mobile Dating Apps

And finally, with smartphones becoming more and more popular, there are now a number of phone applications that can help you meet new people, and perhaps your future partner. Skout is an example of a smartphone app that uses GPS technology to find someone near you when you’re out and about. You can chat (and flirt) with someone, and exchange photos, until you’re ready to meet in person – and Skout never reveals your exact location or phone number. You can stay relatively anonymous until you’re ready to give more information out. The Skout app is free and available from the Apple App Store and the Google Play store. For the gay male community, there’s Grindr. You might also like to check out Joseph Atkins’s post on the 25 Best Free Gay Dating Apps. Blendr is patterned after Grindr and is the “straight” version of this app. The online dating sites Match.com and eHarmony have also joined the smartphone revolution with their own apps: Match.com mobile and eHarmony mobile.

So with all those tools and websites at your disposal, all there is left to do now is go for it! You can also check out our post on Online Dating – Could A Facebook Dating App Become The World’s Biggest Dating Site? and learn how to perfect your online dating profile in Online Dating – Creating A Successful Online Dating Profile.

Only you can make my heart skip a beat with one look.  You see me like no other person ever will because you don’t look at me, you look into me.  You see my beauty beyond the boundaries of flesh.  You see my soul.  You see the love and happiness that I hold close, but you also see the pain and heartache that balances me.

Only you can light my skin on fire with a single touch.  A simple gesture, a hand gently tracing my cheek and my body warms to your touch.  Your lips barely graze mine but I feel a slight quiver sensing the emotion of that moment.  I know the passion that lurks behind that kiss.

Only you make me want to dream of the impossible because everything seems attainable with you by my side.  There is no limit to imagination.  There is only you, encouraging my dreams and wanting to be a part of them.  You understand when I hear whispers in the wind.  You enjoy my child-like excitement when I discover new stories in my head and you appreciate that I have to put them to paper as soon as I have them.

Only you know my need to be accepted for who I am and not who people want me to be.  You encourage me to be an individual and embrace the quirks that have created the person I have become.  You appreciate that I feel like a Raggedy-Ann in a Barbie Doll world, but you would rather be Raggedy-Andy than Ken any day of the week.

Only you are the part of me I didn’t know I was missing.  It will always be only you.

If only I knew where to find you.

It seems a little crazy to write such strong words about a man I’ve only known for less than 3 weeks, but I’m 46, not 16, and the game changes over time. If a person lives a life of being aware of herself, learning from experiences, and working on really developing relationships in all areas of life, then I do believe that it’s possible to have a genuinely strong and immediate connection with someone who is in a similar place. I think this man, this Southern Stud, has been on a similar path and we have been prepping ourselves to meet each other.

Enough with that, let me describe meeting him for the first time…

He flew in to Austin on Saturday, Mar 2nd. The night before, I could barely sleep. I kept waking up, feeling that crackle of energy before a storm. I knew his flight was leaving Nashville at 5:30am (4:30am my time), so when I woke up at 4am, I immediately thought of him, getting ready to board the plane to Texas. I got up to text him and found that he had just texted me to let me know he was there…

I feel this strange, almost cosmic connection with this man (and note: I am NOT usually like that… I am a romantic dreamer, sure, but I’m not at all woo-woo about this sort of stuff!!). We often overlap emails, with similar themes, the more we learn about each other, the more we are amazed at the parallels in our life experiences — the experiences that have shaped us. I think there’s something powerful to that. My ex, who I loved so deeply, had a vastly different life experience than me and it showed… he is damaged by life; I am not.

Let me get on with this story–

His flight was delayed 2 1/2 hours, so I arrived at the Austin airport at 12:30, not 10. I chose to wear a short sweater dress that’s flattering but very casual, leggings, and my vintage boots. It was colder than I thought, so I had on my bright red coat. When I drove up to the passenger pick up area, I immediately spotted him… tall, smiling… looking for me.

I got out of the car and walked up to him–we smiled at each other and then hugged. That’s all it took. I knew I loved him. He’s a mountain of a man, rock solid build, broad chest. And his eyes… holy shit. I had no idea what I was in for… none of his photos show how insanely blue, how crystal clear, and how beautiful his eyes are. I wasn’t ready for this extra layer of gorgeousness…

We hugged for a long time, I could feel his hands circling my waist, my arms were around his neck. He squeezed hard and picked me up. When he put me down, he kissed me. I felt his face and his juicy neck and knew things were going to be great. He looked good, he smelled good, and he felt good.

In the car, I could see him looking at me, a huge smile on his face. I knew we had connected. I knew that I didn’t need to worry any more about a physical connection.

He hit me like a drug, I almost felt like I was going to have a wreck. He even asked if he could drive! ha ha! It was time for lunch, and my original plan was to take him home, relax, make lunch, and settle into a great afternoon of… who knows what! But I was electrified by seeing him, and he sensed that, felt the same, and smiled as he said, “Maybe we should go somewhere public for lunch.” ha ha ha! Because going home was a sure way to NOT eat lunch…

We went to one of my favorite BBQ places, pulling up, kissing each other again, getting out of the car, kissing each other again, and finally making it inside. After ordering, we sat across from each other, smiling, leaning in to kiss again, and trying to get our heads on straight enough to have a conversation.

We stopped at a little grocery store on the way home because I needed to pick up a few things. I had taken off my red coat so he could get a good look at me. I knew he lagged behind, looking at me walk in front of him. When I turned around, I saw him smiling and kind of shaking his head… he expressed his approval of what he was seeing…

At home, I gave him a quick tour, letting him put his stuff in my bedroom, and then settling on the couch, where he immediately pulled me on his lap. And that was the beginning of a weekend full of touch… the man is not only sexy as hell, he’s affectionate. We never took our hands off of each other.

Unlike the men I’ve rolled around with in bed lately, Mr. TN gives my entire body equal opportunity in being touched and adored. He is not focused on one part, he devours the whole. His strong hands grabbed my hips and pulled me towards him, moving me with comforting power– sexy strength that made me wild. I’m WILD for this man.

I had told him, early on in our conversations, that kissing– long and deep– is a sure fire way to get me going strong. He said he loved kissing, too, but in my experience, men tend to say this but don’t really mean it. There’s some initial making out, of course, but then it drops off when the real business of sex come into play. Not with this guy. He’s the perfect balance of sex and affection. I felt like I was being loved… there’s just no other way to describe it. I can tell that he kisses me because he wants to be kissed, too.

He’s so different from what I’m used to and what types of men I’ve been meeting. I’ve met some very nice men, guys who have great qualities, but just weren’t right. This man… this Tennessee Stud… he has the potential to be my best friend, a lover, and a partner. We want the same life experience– to find a mate to make the adventures of life a shared experience.

Our connection is deep, like we’re coming home to each other. We didn’t leave the house until Sunday afternoon…

After spending Saturday afternoon exploring each other’s bodies, thrilled to find that we both have intense attraction to the other, and are a perfect fit, we took a break for dinner (which was the sandwich lunch I had planned to make earlier in the day!).

There’s so much I could write– so many little details, but I’d have to spend the next 2 hours on my computer and I need to get to work.

This story will continue. Sunday was a glorious day and needs to be written about!

To be continued…

Call me paranoid but I don’t take anyone’s word for it.

It’s especially hard, after someone you want to trust, has broken that bond.

How are you supposed to take that leap again?

There is no magic pill to take to guarantee a clean slate.

Old fears creep in and the most innocent of exchanges can feel like a plot against your happiness.

How can you truly trust if you haven’t figured out how to forgive?

And I’m not just talking about forgiving others.

I don’t know about you, but when my trust is broken, the person I blame the most is myself.

I should have known better!

How could I have been so stupid??

Why couldn’t I tell he/she was lying?

Trust is such a vulnerable bond.

Even when you have the courage to open your heart and trust.

There are so many obstacles, so many worries that can gnaw on your mind.

The fears and anxieties pick with vicious tenacity at your fragile trust until it has been shredded. Completely destroyed, only the fears and anxieties remaining.

Stop the fear!

The fears and anxieties cannot win if you fill your heart and mind with love.

As part of my Happiness Project I am making a conscious effort to be more trusting. To chose love over fear.

(For those of you who missed those posts – shame on you! Just kidding You can check them out here and here.)

This is especially hard for me.

I have an overwhelming need to always be prepared (thank you Girl Scouts) and what may be the world’s most over-active imagination.

When these super powers combine they make me:

The Queen of the Worst.Case.Scenario.

You might be thinking, ‘well that doesn’t sound too bad.’

The problem lies in the thoughts.

If our reality is a manifestation of our thoughts, then being worried, anxious, and distrusting will just bring you more of the same.

And who wants that??

What about you guys?

Do you trust easily?

Or is trusting someone the hardest.thing.ever for you??

Before you go checking out your nearest Walmart for Mr. or Mrs Right, it may bahoove you to first check out www.peopleofwalmart.com first.  I’m just sayin’…

The rest of the top 5 “Missed Connections” in the U.S. are (2) Sports Games, (3) State Fairs, (4) Mass Transit, (5) and The Gym.

And if all those fail…you’ve always got the KZOK Babe of the Day to welcome you with open arms.

Let Love Rule!

NC.

We will call her Andrea.

So, Andrea decides to join an online dating site.  She is an Italian woman who happens to like black men. Andrea is not rail thin, but not a big girl.  According to R.S., she is a healthy girl with a healthy shape.  This is all important.

Andrea meets up with mystery man 1 from said online site.  For a brief moment, he stands back a ways from her, examining her.  Then he says hello, introduces himself, and promptly says “you are bigger than I thought you would be.”

What?

A little shocked, Andrea says “excuse me?” And the man says (in a rude and CLEALRY disappointed tone), “you’re just bigger than I thought you would be….it’s okay…I can still buy you food if you want.”

WHAT?????

I would hope that the reasons behind this being absolutely ridiculous would not have to be explained to anyone.  But since I feel like standing on a soap box today, here goes:

1) If you meet someone in person and you feel like you aren’t attracted to them, don’t point it out. A) It’s just your opinion, and your opinion doesn’t really matter to anyone but yourself. I bet there are hundreds of men that think Andrea is beautiful.  B) It’s f***ing rude! Come one, people!  Etiquette!! COMMON SENSE!!!!!

2) Do you think a woman goes on dates so she can get a man to buy her food?  Andrea can buy her own food, thank you very much.  The woman is looking for love.

3) This is why dating in LA is rough.

4) First…let me start by saying that I’m half black.  My brothers are black.  And my brothers like girls in good shape….but they also like a woman with a booty.  Every black man I know likes a woman with a booty.  What black man doesn’t like a woman with a booty? I hereby revoke his brutha status.

Lastly…and this speaks to this story just as it falls outside of the realm of dating…I’ve seen people treat other people awfully badly today.  Let’s not do that.  Stand up for yourself, yes.  Stand up against injustice, yes.  Speak out when you feel hurt, yes.  But generally…let’s try to treat each other with a little more respect.  Myself included.  Remember, do onto others…

*stepping off of soap box*

*hugs*

Has it ever occurred to you that perhaps you are approaching your search from the wrong angle?  Instead of concentrating on the qualities that will make someone a great husband, why not try eliminating potential candidates by the qualities that will make him the worst choice possible?

That’s the viewpoint of this list from thefrisky.com:
SIGNS HE’LL BE A BAD HUSBAND

1. You tell him you’re sick and he doesn’t offer to bring you soup or check up on you the next day to see how you’re feeling.
2. He forgets stories you tell him about your friends and family.
3. He is hard to reach, always losing his phone, or gets back to you inconsistently.
4. When you’re upset, he doesn’t know how to comfort you and just shuts down.
5. All the plants in his apartment are dead.
6. He never makes any plans for the two of you and just expects you to come up with all the ideas.
7. He gets himself a drink or a bite to eat but doesn’t ask if you want something.
8. He spells your name wrong.  <<RUN if this is the case!>>
9. He doesn’t think about you in big decisions he makes – like where he’s going to move next, or whether or not to get a pet you’re
allergic to.
10. If you tell him something that is bothering you or ask him to change his behavior, he twists it around to make it seem like it’s your problem.
11. He is irresponsible with money, but refuses to change his ways.  <<THIS may be the biggest red flag and signal for you to leave of them all>>
12. He has a treatable problem, such as depression or OCD, but refuses to seek treatment.  <<Life’s too short for his misery to make you miserable>>
13. He makes condescending comments about women getting fat and haggard when they are older.

1. Their body language.

Try as we might, sometimes we just can’t hide our inner feelings and desires. Someone’s body language can tell you a lot about how someone feels subconsciously (or even consciously) towards you. One of the most important cues is eye contact. When you have their attention, you’ll get good eye contact. If things aren’t going so well, you’ll find their eyes wandering elsewhere – some warning signs are checking their watch, frequently checking their phone, and checking out people other than you. If they find you particularly attractive, you might find their eyes wandering slowly over your face in a triangular movement between the eyes and mouth.

They will directly or indirectly try to reduce the distance between the two of you – by standing closer to you or moving their chair closer. Do they mirror your posture or gestures subconsciously? They are likely to face you when talking to you – with their feet, arms or hands pointed towards you – in contrast to standing sideways or away from you. It shows that they are comfortable with being close to you.

If they smile more around you, it’s a good sign that they like you (or at least find you amusing). Think about when you smile – it’s when you’re happy, content or full of good feeling. They will appear to be in a better mood around you, and as a result, they’ll smile naturally (it’s pretty hard to hide a genuine smile). They may have had a bad day and will be initially tense/upset/angry/frustrated, but they’ll seem relaxed and happy around you after a few minutes. That’s a sure sign they enjoy your company.

And finally, light touching – of the arm or shoulder, for example – is a really strong indicator that this person is attracted to you. How do they react if you make light contact with them?

2. Calling for no real reason.

They might try to get your attention by calling or texting you for seemingly trivial things. How flimsy is their excuse for calling you? They might just be calling because they want to talk to you and hear your voice, but want to make up an excuse to seem less vulnerable. They might just contact you to tell you something that happened in their day or ask you about yours.

3. Their friends know about you.

If they’re happy to introduce you to their friends, it’s a good sign they like you. If they have feelings for you, they would have confided in at least one friend about you. If he/she really likes you, they’ll give you a warm introduction (and might even brag about you) to their friends.

4. Giving you attention.

As I mentioned in my post on Modern Day Dating & Scheduling Dates, attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity, so if you have someone’s attention, it’s a sure-fire sign that they like and enjoy your company. The attention can take many forms: they might, for example, ask you a lot of genuine questions about yourself (and, in particular, if you’re single or not or whether you have a love interest yourself). This will be because they have felt some kind of attraction towards you and they’ll be interested in finding out more to see how compatible you really are.

They might prioritise you over other people and activities – or organise their own activities in such a way that the chances of meeting you increase. If you’re upset or in poor health, they might try making you feel better in some way – by visiting you (or if it’s contagious, sending you or saying something comforting). They might try offering assistance when help is needed – moving house, for example, or painting a room. Many of us have a hard time putting our feelings into words, and it’s much easier and subtler to show people how you feel and that you care about them. Actions speak louder than words, as I detailed in 10 Ways To Surprise Your Partner.

5. Occasional, subtle passive aggressive behaviour.

When someone really likes you, their behaviour can be occasionally and subtly passive aggressive. Partly because sometimes strong feelings can be confusing and hard to deal with, but also because they are invested emotionally in you. You can upset them without even knowing – it might be not returning a message for a few days or not inviting them on a night out, when they were in fact really looking forward to hearing from you or seeing you. When you really like someone, there is a tendency to over-think things and take things personally.

The more of the signs described above someone shows towards you, the higher the chance they are interested in you. In the end, it all boils down to whether or not this person gives you their time and attention. Because if you really like someone, you’ll find time to spend with them, and when you’re with them, you’ll give them all your attention.

Can you tell whether someone really likes you or not? What gives you the best indication that someone does, in fact, like you?

Well, we know you’re the perfect date, don’t we, and we know to give a wide berth to the first 25 men I very kindly alerted you to, but there are still some romantic buzzkills out there just waiting to spoil your fun, break your heart and drink all the milk in your fridge.

You should never date a man who…

1. Obsessively counts calories.
“You’re on a diet? Sounds really interesting; tell me more!” – Nobody, ever.

2. Wears Toms with no socks in winter.
Yes, he looks beautiful and carefree, as I’m sure he will when he’s clutching your hand while he dies of pneumonia because he was too darn cool to slip on a sock.

3. Doesn’t put lid back on toothpaste.

4. Demands the cancellation of any TV show that he used to enjoy, but has stopped watching, or still watches, complaining all the way through.

5. Eats hot food on trains.
Pasties, McDonald’s, noodles, whatever. It smells. It smells bad. And he’s with you. So you, by default, smell like that.

6. Wears a suit every day, but has never had it dry-cleaned.
Good luck nuzzling up to this sour-lapelled hobo.

7. Expects you to have instant recall of every piffling conversation you’ve ever had.

8. Smokes.
Unless they do it in that hideously sexy French way that makes you wonder what else they can do with those fingers.

9. Orders nachos, to share, at a pub.
You are essentially sitting around a table eating a bag of crisps that someone has slung on a plate and poured a load of tomatoey crap all over the top. With your fingers. Are his nails clean?

10. On a first date, reads the set menu aloud, then tells you you can have whatever you like.

11. Always tells you how busy/tired/overworked/partied out/popular they are.

12. Doesn’t refold the newspaper after he’s finished reading it.

13. Is desperate to break bad news on Twitter.
Or indeed be the first to tell you anything, publicise a new Tumblr he’s found (that you saw months ago) or just be a one-man version of the news ticker on the CNN website.

14. Tells you their body is temple – as they chow down on a KFC while queuing at the shop for cigarettes.
Faux health nuts are almost as boring as obsessive fitness freaks.

15. Insists on telling you how much everything costs.

16. Or, worse, asks you how much everything costs.

17. Sings along really loudly at pop concerts, while filming it on their phone.
Problem 1: You can’t hear the performer sing over the top of your beau’s tuneless rasp. Problem 2: You can’t see properly because the wannabe Tarantino is distractedly waggling his iPhone in the air.

18. Takes out a full-page ad to announce a forthcoming Twitter break.

19. Leaves toast crumbs in the butter.
This carries the death penalty in more progressive civilisations (the first of which I am yet to found, but will).

20. Tells you to “take it easy” when he means “goodbye”, or says “it’s not rocket science, is it?” when talking about something they think is easy.

21. Carries around huge bags of stuff they say they “couldn’t be without”, like straighteners, boot polish, or sachets of sugar.

22. Still revels in what a ‘rebel’ he was at school – when he actually means he was an insufferable wanker.

23. Is friends with Harry Styles.

24. Reads an article online and logs in/creates an account to comment “WHO CARES?” OR “IS THIS NEWS?!”
He should save his super-valuable, important opinions for his blog. Oh, no, hang on…

25. Blogs.
Blogs used to be quaint diaries, “what I did on my holidays” and family pictures. Now the whole world is a grandstanding columnist with an axe to grind, each one more incendiary than the last. Date a blogger – especially a reactionary one who specialises in comma-strewn outrage and misguided fury – and your boyfriend’s self-important bleatings about what he saw on the news today will be available for the whole world to see. He’ll become addicted to this attention from strangers, you mark my words, and before long you’ll be going out with a dim-witted digest of current moral indignation, who exists only to “jot down a few musings” on whatever a controversial columnist has said that day. Just have ‘Nobody cares’ tattooed on your middle finger to save time.

(I am nothing if not self-aware.)

Thanks to @branners, @RuariC, @kaviargauche, @simonpjbest, @Philip_Ellis and @coxyinsw2 who contributed 3, 8, 10, 12, 15 and 22 respectively.

Actually there are no patterns to my love life – every relationship has been really different and there are always quite big gaps in between them as I generally take a while to process break ups and heal from them.

But it has become clear to me is that there are two types of love – romantic love (intensely passionate, dream-like, tempestuous and slightly fearful) and true love (based on deep feelings grown over time). My MUSIC PRODUCER EX was a bit of both, but the way it started came firmly from a reaction to me getting over THE GREAT LOVE, back in 2009. MUSIC PRODUCER had a calmness to him that made me feel calm. We had a hot physical chemistry that meant our sex life was incredible and we didn’t even have to do much to spice things up. It was purely tactile, about skin on skin, exploration and deep connection and as we grew to love each other over time based on a mutual respect for each other that connection only grew deeper. We made love, we didn’t fuck. Although obviously occasionally there’s always a need to fuck. But we didn’t argue, so make up sex wasn’t really a part of our repertoire.

THE GREAT LOVE is called just that on this blog because it really is the greatest thing i’ve ever felt for another human being. Both for its ‘great’ potential, unfulfilled potential that is, and for the way I feel when we are physically in contact, and the way I feel when we’re no longer in each other’s lives.

For whatever reason (that is a bit beyond my understanding) he doesn’t always treat me the way I should be or deserve to be if this greatness was mutually reciprocated. But what happens when we are in the same room at the  same time is other worldly. It’s magnetic, uncontrollable and filled with much love and desire that it’s utterly possible this only happens once in your life. But there’s a less than attractive side to it – we bring out each other’s dark sides and the whole situation comes with a vulnerability that makes me the opposite of calm and rational. And it’s so mentally consuming that it can’t be right, it’s not healthy, and it hurts. The way he responds to my insecurity that comes out, even though I try to control it and shield him from it, causes him to treat me in ways that only heighten it. And on top of that, his interaction trends are significantly different to mine – so when he makes plans with me and doesn’t keep them – he isn’t aware of the effect that has on me. And for me I feel incredibly let down and abandoned. It’s a strong word, but that’s exactly how I feel. I wouldn’t tolerate that from anyone in the early days of dating, especially when the communication isn’t handled appropriately. It gives the message that he’s just not that into me, which isn’t true. So it’s a hard one to digest. Repeatedly.

The other night I went on a date with the antidote to all of this. Let’s call him NEVER DATED BEFORE GUY. By that I mean, he is the sort of person I have never dated before. He’s got a normal job in computing. He’s 34, from middle England, really normal – or so he seems thus far – and just totally different to anyone I have ever dated. Mature, considerate, he actually text to confirm at the beginning of the week AND on the morning of the date!

NEVER DATED BEFORE GUY walked into the cocktail bar he’d chosen for us to meet in, and straight away I was like ‘woah, you’re quite fit!’. I was genuinely pleasantly surprised. This date hadn’t been about fancying him. It had been solely about being treated like a lady and not being caught up in all this negative insecure drama that i’ve been pulled into this past month.

And I fancied him.

Yes!

The conversation wasn’t anything amazingly special. And i’m probably someone who connects with people on deep levels, i’m not afraid to go straight into the serious stuff on a first date – but in this case whilst I can’t even remember massively what we talked about, I felt calm. I fancied him, there were some silences between the conversation but they weren’t awkward, and someone always eventually found something to say or ask. I never felt like I was racking my brain, I wasn’t nervous. And I liked it. He was interesting enough to hold my interest, and we talked about our first impressions of each other which created a bit of a bond – I told him that I thought he might take a while to properly get to know, which he said was true. And on the tube escalators he started to take the piss a bit (warmed up by the absinth cocktail he was drinking I suspect) and I saw glimpses of someone that I might really grow to like. It left me intrigued to know more..

It reminded me of when I met MUSIC PRODUCER. In the early days we were exactly like that, and what led me to greatly loving him with all my heart was the fact that the more we hung out and got to know each other, the more surprises I discovered, and the more I grew to like him.

If you fall in love with someone on the first date (aka GREAT LOVE) then you’ve hit a dizzying height very early on, and the likelihood of where you go next is potentially subject to dizzying disappointment. That’s why romantic love never lasts. And the great romantics often only have a broken heart and pages of poetry and writing to show for it.

Romantic love is amazing, it makes you feel alive that’s for sure. But I think true love is where it’s at. Get it right, and it will also be romantic, but coming from a secure place rather than a narcissistic one.

Will keep you posted…

Dammit! I got my period today– and my Tennessee stud arrives Saturday morning! I felt the cramps and the squishiness that happens before I start, but I tried to believe that it was just due to something period-like, not actually my period… Bloody sex. Not sexy. Bloody sex with a new partner– NOT OKAY.

Fortunately I have a friend who usually has the solution to everything. I emailed her, she called, and in one minute flat, I was back on track to hoping for a sexy, sexy, blood-free weekend. She told me about the Instead Cup. It’s a nice little sack you put up your vaginal canal and it catches the blood! Fantastic!

I’m not hippy at all, so the whole “blood cup” idea has always seemed gross to me. But this is packaged like any ‘ole feminine product at the drug store and is basically a more shopper friendly offering for those of us who are afraid the hippy blood cups are just too close to saving your menstrual blood to plant in your garden or whatever.

So I got some. Right in with the tampons at Walgreen’s. I watched a video on how to insert the ring that looked scarily huge, with it’s little plastic bag hanging from it like some camping cup, and went to work on putting my first one in. It slipped in neatly, and now I’ll wait to see if it leaks.

From the website, and as a testimonial from my friend (who has a very endowed husband), the thing really works. It stays in place DURING SEX. That’s right– this little dish is a fuss-free way to have sex during your period. I’m STOKED!!!! It also doesn’t cause dryness– bonus.

Now I’m ready for my TN stud.

Things are going so fast and so great, I fear a huge, huge crash. He has already told his mother about me. He has mentioned things that would be more normal to mention after dating for a long time, and in the same city… and guess what? I’m eating it up!

I described this to a friend as being much like your first real love when you’re young. You know, when you’re so smitten with a boy and he returns the attention. You both get in a giddy state of euphoria and don’t care how silly in love you are. This guy doesn’t put the brakes on, I feel free with him.

Is my life really about to change?

WOW!

I definitely learned what not to do in my last relationship. I’m hoping the lessons learned will make my next relationship stronger, healthier, and deeper.

And the sex a whole lot hotter!!!!

So Many Men … So Little Time~

Finding Mr. Right

A committed relationship, the house with the white picket fence,

 Isn’t going to make you that static cliché in the suburbs,

It’s just going to make you someone

That loves someone…  

     Once upon a time there was a little girl that believed in fairy tales. Her mother would read to her every evening before bed. These were tales of princes and princesses, iconic fairy tales preaching an ultimate goal of finding true love and a happy ending to the story. We as little girls were hand fed the notion that we would grow up and find that one and only true love. Ultimately the perfect marriage with the perfect husband, little cottage with a white picket fence, 2.2 children and a dog or cat…..these were the fairy tales, which most of us bought into.

Yes, especially when we grew up into young women. Women in high school, in college , in the work place, professional women, women of all socio-economic places in life, women of all shapes, sizes and ethnicities …most all of us at one time or another,  dreamed the dream that the handsome prince would arrive on that white horse one day, and carry us off into the sunset.

Most of us by the time we are thirty years old… have simply just run around collecting boyfriends and scars, justifying the time we’ve spent being emotionally bruised by past and current relationships. Perhaps you find yourself once again, placing the blame, for yet another failed relationship, on yourself or even on your ex-partner.  In spite of everything we still go on, hopefully learning from our past mistakes. Although all of the past promises, we thought to be love, were simply torn apart by life itself, somehow as women we pick up the pieces and move on. After all, what other choice is there?

Certainly not giving up your self-essence, self-esteem and sense of efficacy, and losing yourself in the wake of relationships gone wrong.  Don’t give up or feel defeated if your “Prince” has not arrived or your current or past lover fell short of your expectations. Nevertheless, the

stories you will read here will spur you on to yet greater efforts. You have many choices.

If your agenda is to be a single woman with no intent of long-term relationship or intimacy, that is your choice. No one has the right to judge or condemn you for wanting to live an independent life free of a monogamous or binding commitment to a partner.

The face paced ever changing advent of the internet has changed the dynamics of how we meet and mate drastically. There are still some throwbacks, parents, clergy, even your psychiatrist that may ask… “Why not try and meet a nice guy at church, synagogue or a social gathering?” Seriously, what world are they living in? Who has time nowadays to go to these venues? Most all work hard at their jobs, have other outside obligations that consume their free-time and have become entrenched and hard wired to getting their purchases, information,  and yes, even our partners, all at the flick of finger on the keyboard.

It seems that those that find themselves looking to meet their mate want it now, right now, as quickly as you can order up a burger and fries at the fast food window! What’s up with this thing called “speed dating” where you get to sit and play musical chairs in a room filled with a hundred people or more? Is this what it’s all come to?  Way too cold and calculating for the girl that wants that great story that she can tell her kids one day, about how she met their dad.

Then there are those that call themselves “serial daters” or “multi-task” daters, dating two to three people at a time and going out on dates several times a week. This is Sally or Sam.  They will run you over in traffic trying to take a look at their messages, eyes totally off the road, after hearing that all so familiar “plunk” of the iPhone. Having serial dated for a while, they have become as hard-wired for that fix to their ego, as desperately so, as if it were crack cocaine they needed to survive.

This is not the way to “Date Smart.” Just look at yourself. Has it gotten you anywhere but back in the same rut where you began? If you are beginning to think that you are a “nerd magnet” or worse yet, the spiritual guru to every loser on the planet, perhaps you need to re-think your dating strategies.

     I know, I know…it can’t be you, it must be him. There is some truth to that, but you aren’t living your life in a unilateral bubble, there were two of you in that past relationship. If it ended badly and in retrospect you can’t figure out what went wrong, it’s time to take a look at the part you played in the script.

Ok then, so how do you find your way through this maze of the dating game and come out ahead?  Statistically, 99% of the men you’re going to meet are not the right one for you. It’s simply a numbers game. So let’s say that you continue to date a string of guys ….and you spend a year in a relationship with the guy that isn’t really the one for you, but you stay because you think you’re going to change him, and then it doesn’t work out. Big Surprise ­—and so you finally move on to the next guy. Thus, if you spend close to a year with the wrong man, and then move on to the next failed relationship,(noting that 99% are not your guy) if you do the math, it will take you 99 years of your precious time to finally meet the right man!!!

With that concept in mind; if we keep making the same mistakes in our choices of partners, how do we actually learn to make different mate-selection decisions?  That will all depend, on whose voice you’re listening to.  For the most part, there is a dominant discourse that has already been created for you.

That is to say, either your family of origin, i.e. your mother, father, sister or brother has “labeled” you in some form or another. For example, you may have been identified by these family members, as the non-deserving, troublemaker, sassy one, rebel, tough cookie, never really reaching your life goals, or the achieving, smart, pleasant, happy winner that always gets what they want in life.

Believe it or not, we as human beings, may choose to either identify with how we have been labeled in our earlier, formative years, or… you can discount that label and create your own life narrative. This means that you take what you want from your earlier narrative and discount and throw-out that which doesn’t work for you. It doesn’t matter what others think you to be, what matters is what you think of yourself and whether or not you can put your head on the pillow at night knowing that you’ve done your best that day to be the person you want to be known as, the person that you yourself, can respect.

When it comes to the choices we select as our lovers or partners however, it gets a little tricky. Often times our friends and family can see things more clearly. I’m not advising you to just lay back and take their opinions as gospel, but rather, you may just want to listen to their point of view and add or subtract from that “Qualifying Test” in Ch. ___ as to whether or not this man meets your criteria.  Once that fog of lust takes you over in the first few weeks of relationship, it is hard to see the reality of it all.

Perhaps it is all too easy for your friends, family and acquaintances to give advice. The deluge of what they think of your guy can be overwhelming. Here it comes again you think to yourself as you hear your own voice talking out loud, “Jesus… can they just keep their opinions to themselves. They didn’t know him like I did.” Perhaps not, but rest assured, when two out of your three closest friends tell you he was a bad guy, most likely he was rotten to the core. The time eventually comes when you have to get up, dust yourself off and admit to yourself that you were with the wrong guy.

For the most part, we all go into the dating world full of expectations and hope, sometimes ignorant of reality.  We can laugh at the drama of dating….so many sins, so little time, yet it hurts to the core to be disappointed time and time again. The old adage of “What is the definition of insanity?” Doing the same thing over and over again with the same negative results.

  I think that we as women persevere, believing in the fairy tale of that one great guy out there that is just perfect for us. In your fantasies perhaps you’re looking for that guy you think you want to be with. You know that guy; the one with the perfect white teeth, gorgeous smile and a body to die for. He is successful, independent, owns an expensive car and is savvy enough to know the politically correct lingo of a man used to the finer things in life. This of course means that he will never subject his woman to anything less than 800 thread count sheets and Manolo Blahnik shoes.

Ok, so I may be mocking the “Fairy Tale” of romance, yet read on; unfortunately life can be cruel and selective when it comes to the “mating dance.” Before entering the rat race of dating, you must first have figured out who you are and what you want out of life.  A woman without a life plan is a foolish woman indeed.  I’m not talking about a plan to “hook” a rich man” either. The kind of plan that I’m talking about simply stated, means that you find your own happiness first, no man will “make you happy.”

I’m a hopeless romantic myself and actually believe in true love and all of the great trimmings of romance, but first, you must know who you are, where you are going, and who you want to take with you along the way! Essentially this means that when you meet someone that either makes you feel uncomfortable, makes a random statement that puts you on the chopping block and leaves you feeling that you have to defend your views, morals or character, you will know inherently that this is not the man for you!

No matter what age you are or stage of life and career that you’ve achieved, societal and self-perpetuated dating rules still seem to apply today. We all want the achieving man, not the guy that just couldn’t get his act together and is a great dude but missing a tooth or two. You might have a fling with the muscle guy from the gym or a one night stand that you swear wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been so intoxicated. Yet, as free-spirited as you might think yourself to be, don’t kid yourself. We all want the winner.

Ultimately, you want that man that is going to take care of you as well if not better than you can take care of yourself. If you’re thinking that this is old fashioned and backwards thinking, proclaiming that you are an independent woman and not looking for a man to “take care of you” then think again.

A man today for the most part wants a woman that can pull her own weight in the relationship, not someone that is looking for a sugar daddy and is going to sap him dry while he slaves at the office all day and she has a fling with his credit cards. Why then should you accept anything less than a man that is principled, non-controlling, respectful, compassionate, and good- hearted, with strong work ethics and an honorable intent, sexy, sophisticated with just the right amount of true grit!

Why was he shirtless on a segway? (Photo by Chris McKay/Getty Images for Jingle Ball 2012)

Mike Evans, the Hollywood Insider, has the scoop on just about everything “Hollywood”!

In today’s report…Pop Quiz: What makes P.Diddy queasy? Justin Bieber spotted riding a Segway without a shirt and then went shopping with a gas mask! Three new reality shows…Dog the Bounty Hunter is coming back,20 Feet from Stardom, and Looking for Love with Ryan Lochte. Lindsey Lohan is seeking psychological help from Charlie Sheen on his show Anger management. NBC comes in #4. Lisa Marie Presley blasts Scientology. Russell Brand spends his spare time working with the homeless. And finally, Kelly Osbourne shouldn’t be dissing people on the red carpet.

Is there anything this man is not capable of?

I’m starting to get worried that he’ll be disappointed when he sees me in person… but I have to take that risk to see if this crazy romance is actually going anywhere. The bar has been set very high with our 1,000s of word written to each other, our photos shared, and now our erotic minds coming together to blow the roof off.

I have what I think is called, “a new lease on life”– I’m now able to be who I fully want to be and find the man who is able to match it. Thanks, ex… you total fucker… you set me free.

Some people can go their whole life looking for love, some find it and throw it away, some find it and keep it close, at all costs. Sometimes when I blog I throw in a song, to, well, capture the moment I guess

This is a song we all should know, “Just the way you are” Bruno Mars, and it is this message in love I like. When you fall in love, when you connect with another human being on a level of love, we don’t change them. We keep them as we got them, and we remind them every day, that we still like what we liked the day we met them

I love music, it is universal, it speaks in all languages and style of music is unimportant, the message is. I know people who fall in love then try and change a person. Can anyone relate to this? I guess so. I am not perfect, far from it. I try all the time to make myself a better Father, and lover and Husband

And the only way I figured out I can do this is by allowing my partner to be herself, how dare I try and change her, and vice versa. I know many couples who almost hate each other, I see and hear of men and woman on the internet, who are married, STILL looking for extra love. I am not to judge here, please no; I am just a person with a keyboard, a heart and a bit of experience in love

I love this song for the message and what the message is, I hope you do also, if you are in love, or new to love, keep the person you FELL IN LIVE WITH and remind them, every day, about love

Ohhhhh ohhhhhh ohhhhhh ohhhhhhh[Verse 1:]
Oh, her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they’re not shinin’
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
She’s so beautiful
And I tell her everyday
YeahhI know, I know
When I compliment her she won’t believe me
And it’s so, it’s so
Sad to think that she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me “Do I look okay? “
I say[Chorus:]
When I see your face (face face…)
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause you’re amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile smile…)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause girl you’re amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
Yeah

[Verse 2:]
Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think it’s so sexy
She’s so beautiful
And I tell her everyday

Oh you know, you know, you know
I’d never ask you to change
If perfect’s what you’re searching for
Then just stay the same
So don’t even bother asking if you look okay
You know I’ll say

[Chorus:]
When I see your face (face face…)
There’s not a thing that I would change
‘Cause you’re amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile (smile smile…)
The whole world stops and stares for a while
‘Cause girl you’re amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you’re amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)

[Chorus:]
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing (amazing)
Just the way you are (are)
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are

Yeah

More love, Less Hate

Easy to do

I’m done in. I’m in love.

This is even crazier than “love at first sight”, this is “love after a week of emailing”! We have talked on the phone– 4 times, each conversation lasting over 3 hours with much more to say. He’s incredible. We delve pretty deep into life, our histories, what we’re looking for in love and in the future. We seem to be on similar paths, and the timing in both our lives is in sync. We’re both free from long relationships that were dragging us down in the end.

He’s so different from my other online romances. There’s definitely flirtation and some sexy photo sharing, but nothing like the others. I have to say, I’m relieved. It feels more natural, like the way a real relationship progresses, not some hot sex thing that flames out in the end. I’m over the feeling of empty calories in my online dabbling. I had my fill of fun junk food!

I am going to put this down in my blog, like a teenager in love… I feel like this could be the man I marry.

Yep. It’s THAT crazy. It’s not just our ease of communicating, it’s the fact that we’re on the same track and timing is everything. He had stopped looking for anything serious and had chosen to make 2013 the year where he explored being without a wife or a mortgage. Then he “met” me and he has made it clear the plan has changed.

But… to add a little spice to this online romance… there’s still the situation of his Friend with Benefits. On Friday he wrote that they had a date Saturday– that she was cooking him a nice dinner and he was supposed to spend the night. The plan had been made the day before he actually met me online… so he didn’t get out of it, and wasn’t going to pull some jack ass move and cancel on her. The woman was cooking dinner– she would have been pissed if he had cancelled.

He has been very open about this situation, and because we are NOT in the same city, and things are not progressing normally since it’s all done online and on the phone, it would be absurd for me to be jealous or to ask him to stop seeing her. It has only been one week. I know I’m being horribly romantic by pegging him as my future husband, but there’s still a toe rooted to this earth. I’m not all in the clouds.

He wrote that he wished he could get out if it without hurting her, and that he needed to figure out a good time to tell her about “us”– which is NOT going to go over well. She may claim to be in this FWB relationship, but from little things he’s told me, she wants way more. If she were told that she was getting cut off because he’s found someone he wants to seriously pursue– and that person is someone 1,000 miles away who he has not seen in person yet, things could get ugly. Any woman would be hurt by that. It’s rejection on a level that goes deeper than physical. It’s a rejection of mind. He is not attracted to her mind enough to pursue  her seriously.

ouch.

So I told him that I would let him decide what to tell her, when, and when he would disclose this all to me. We talked for 3 hours last night and he didn’t mention it.

I know… many would see a red flag waving furiously, but I’m freakishly calm about it. I haven’t even met this guy yet, why freak out about something until there’s reason to freak out.

I’ve been working on my house, slowly, in between work– trying to get it in some kind of condition that will make him think, “hey, moving to Austin and being with this woman sounds great!”. What’s so weird is that, after my ex left, I rocketed forward on redecorating. New (used and cool) furniture, freshly painted walls, new art on the walls, I rearranged, organized, cleaned… it was like I was prepping for a new life, one I couldn’t dream of, but had faith existed. A happy, new life.

I had to let go of the happiness I knew– to force myself to recognize that I’m so capable of many ways of living a happy life. It’s the best feeling in the world to have this freedom.

I’ve decorated my nest and will soon meet my mate!

ha ha ha!!!

So dramatic!