by Isaure Cointreau

When I said I was going to Oslo for a couple of days the reactions I got were very uncanny. Normally everybody feels excitement upon the topic of travel but here utter surprise was in order.

-         Oslo, really? What are you going to do in Finland?

-         Try Norway. Finland is bit further east.

Looking for new sights to explore and a breath of fresh air, what could be a better idea than to check out a Scandinavian country? The whole prospect does have an edgy look to it though depends  what you are into. I for my part was not deceived. Arriving at Oslo with a Ryan Air 15£ return ticket, I was an hour bus ride away from the centre of the capital. Checking in at the Anker Hostel, this cheap way to put a roof above my head accommodated me with six Swedish roommates. Only a few blocks away from the interesting spots of the city, one only has to choose where he wants to start.

There are tons of sights to get acquainted to and although Oslo is a really nice and easy walk it is not as small as it feels. Public transportation is really accessible and well organized. You can then go from one point of the city to another in no time. However, if you ever get lost don’t be afraid to ask, I’ve never met so warm hearted people and they’ll gladly help you out. Plus, everyone speaks perfect English as if they were natives.  French and Italians can blush!

A good place to start your visit would be to follow Karl Johans gate. The Cathedral, the Parliament, the Oslo University, the National Theatre and the Palace set the background of this high end street. I must admit the architecture is mostly impressive although I was very much deceived by the royal residency. Too plain or too simple, the least would be to say that I was more impressed by its incredible view of the city and its gardens than the building itself. In terms of museum there are several not to miss. The National Gallery is one of them and has a wide varied collection of artists from Norway and afar. There, I was introduced to Kittelsen’s trolls and breathtaking landscapes,  Krohg’s exceptional portraits and “mise en scene”.

On the account of renowned Norwegian artists Munch, Ibsen and Vigeland are the pride and joy of the country. Therefore they all have a private space where their work is exposed. For one the Munch museum is a must see. Offering a true understanding of the artist’s perspective on live and art, this place is a cave of wonders. Ibsen, best known for Peer Gynt, Hedda Gabbler and The doll’s house had his own apartment turned into the museum of his life, plays and success. Let it be an introduction for those who don’t know Oslo’s favourite playwright. Other than that the Vigeland sculpture park is the most amazing experience I have ever had in a city garden. With as many as 212 statues the sculptor has shaped in clay lively and profound scenes of humanism. From children to the elderly, love to hate, peace to war, this park offers a parallel between life and death.

As far as food and drinks are concerned Oslo is a minefield of cute and trendy, rocky, jazzy and classic sites. Karl Johans Gate, the city centre’s main road offers a wide range of choices. I would recommend Samson for breakfast for its yummy traditional pastries. Although Norwegian’s are really big on sandwiches  with their coffee in the morning, try a selection of their desserts. If you like almonds you are in for a treat! For lunch I loved Lorry with it eccentric/attic look. You’ll find yourself eating with a bunch of antiquities such as a stuffed giraffe and zebra, army caps and wild art. Being the place to be for intellectuals and people within the arts, the quirky look of this place and your salmon will be quite the experience. Looking forward to a break? Stop by the local jazz bar held by Norwegian icon Bodil Anbefaler. It’s great music and fun people in a cosy (almost New York style) atmosphere.  The Bare Jazz AS on Grensen Street is one of my favourite spots in the city. Other than that I really enjoyed dinner at Cathedral. In a weird solemn candlelight ambiance, the heavy wood of the furniture recall a medieval look. The food is amazing, and the photos shot in this small pub-like restaurant are incredible ( as if Georges de La tour had guided the light effects of our snapshots.

It was so nice up North, I guess I have a little crush on Oslo. Inspiring me the desire to know more about Scandinavian countries, let’s consider this  the beginning of my exploration of the Baltic. It’ll take time but I can only dream about it.

Getting a good slipstream is a luxury when you have been pedalling into a headwind for a few hours. The further East I pedal the more slipstreaming possibilities are presented.

I have had tractors, horse and carts, East Geman Trabbi’s with ‘mature’ drivers hunched over the steering wheel, road diggers and more slow Trabbi’s blowing big billows of pungent smoke out of the exhaust.

Today I was lucky to pick up a large lorry and stick on the back of it for a few kilometres between Novi Sad and Belgrade.  Not only did this dirty brute offer my legs a welcome break but also some protection from vehicles approaching too fast from behind.

I could see the line of dirty roundish objects along the back rim of the truck lightly bouncing with the rumble of the road about a meter above my head. Everything was going fine and the inevitable ‘big’  bump in the road appeared creating a shower with one of my favourite vegetables.  I was pleased to take no direct hits but sad to lose my ride.

I am not sure what the epitaph for a fatal collision with a potato might read.

There are times when you wonder just what idiots are thinking.

It was blowing gales of up to 85mph yesterday, it was dropping around a quarter of the months rainfall in about 6 hours, but people still drive around without their headlights on! I was nearly written off by one bloody idiot who thought that I could see him approaching with no lights on where everyone else were using fog lights just to see the end of their bonnet….

He was a lorry driver!

So at a time when a professional driver of  a  large, dark, lorry has trouble seeing the cars in front you would think he would be professional and expereinced enough to realise that the spray thrown up by such a horrific downpour might make him invisible to see as well; while he was doing around 50 in a 40 zone; while traffic might be joining from  the slip road. When this driver followed me to a roundabout and got out of his truck in front of a police officer to remonstrate, the police officer got his notebook out to write down my side of the story. He put it straight back away when I told him that the lorry did not even have any lights on when he pulledup to talk to them (which they noted), let alone driving!

They sent me on my way and had a quiet word with him.

It makes you wonder though. These professional drivers with their arctic lorry; driving up and down our roads every day and some of them seem to think they own the road we all drive on.  For example; back in July, in the Highlands of Scotland a professional HGV caused death by dangerous driving because he failed to secure 26 tonnes of timber correctly… This is of course the Highlands with lots of gradients, sharp turns and various animals wandering free.

Last month in Wales a professional lorry driver lost his attention while driving, swerved to avoid a stationary car in the  middle of the road and hit a moving car head-on, killing the driver. The professional lorry driver “did not  realise” that the slippery road surface warning, after the local council re-surfaced the  road, “extended beyond the warning sign”. The lorry trailer itself was a death-trap with faulty brakes and missing wheel studs, wondering if the surface had not just been re-done, then would there have been any difference in the result?

and finally, back in May a lorry went  over a speed hump in London and its door flew open nearly taking London Mayor Boris Johnson out as he cycled around the city on a “fact-finding” mission. The door was not properly secured and we nearly lost our London Mayor over it (okay… so some of you think thats a good thing).

Guess what though. These “professional” drivers got a maximum £500 fine and 8 points. Not even a disqualification. I bet if a train driver; a professional driver; left a door open, or lost concentration and nearly hit another train, that they would not have a job, let alone a train driving licence left in their hand?

Professional Drivers indeed.

*****

In other news:

 Department for Transport (DfT) (“DafT”) is about to embark on a campaign to reduce CO2 emissions. They have embarked on the first step by taking over National Express East Coast Trains (now run by DfT owned “Directly Operated Trains”) lets hope they reduce fares to encourage train travel.

In this “equal opportunity” world, it obviously does not extend to car insurance. You can understand that young drivers, fresh out of driving school, are chargedmore as they have less experience, but MoneySupermarket.com have found that 18 year old males are likely to pay £2000 for car insurance (for a car unspecified), whereas a girl would pay around half that (on the same car). Ergo, we should sack all the male lorry drivers and employ women, driving pink tractor units covered in pictures of hunky men to keep them satisfied on the road…..

I am getting worked up about lorry drivers now…. time for a bottle of water.!

Did i mention the traffic here? unbelievable chaos EVERYWHERE all the time, in the city but also in the bigger villages and main roads. Just crossing the road is pretty hairy, cars weave in and out of lanes, monster trucks do battle with three wheeled bikes…and no seat belts EVER, even the cars i have been in that actually have seat belts…they don’t work.

And  indians like to cluster, even outside the city in the dark in the middle of the road, you have to swerve as you come across clusters of men…chatting. Lorries stop randomly….all of them have signs on the back saying “please honk your horn” (presumably to let them know you are there)…but no need to worry, every driver honks regardless, generally every three seconds, for the entire journey. Drove around Vijayawada in the pouring rain, huge lakes of brown water replacing the roads. Watched pilgrims bathing in the Krishna river dressed either in scarlet or black robes in the pouring rain. Saw a dead body perched on a stretcher atop a lorry both of which were festooned with turmeric yellow petals, waiting to be burned on the Krishna river (was kind of beautiful) all witnessed from the back of a car in the pouring rain.

]]> http://earlied.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/tongue-twisters-my-english-experience/ Sat, 07 Nov 2009 01:00:20 +0000 earlied http://earlied.wordpress.com/2009/11/07/tongue-twisters-my-english-experience/ http://webalfee.wordpress.com/2009/10/30/4-8/ Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:47:46 +0000 webalfee http://webalfee.wordpress.com/2009/10/30/4-8/

Super Decoration - I took this photo last Saturday, near State Bank of Mysore, Madippakam.

What a decorative Skill? I was amazed by the way the vehicle was decorated. When i saw this lorry  first time it  took at least two minutes for me to find out the registration number. Multiple colors and decorations … I hope driver will get a complete view of the road  …

Today is the dawn of a new day. The Disgruntled Driver hits back from driving for TWO HOURS every day and seeing the most disgusting examples of driving known to man.

I am not a cruel man. I will not openly publish your Registration Number, I will not name the company emblazened across the side of a lorry, but you will know who you are!

Why am I doing this? Because the quality of some drivers is disappointing and we as taxpayers pay the price: Why do we need to have the run up to roundabouts coated in high friction tarmac? If people knew how to slow down for a roundabout, then we would not have a problem! Why do motorcyclists insist on overtaking a line of cars driving at the speed limit just because they can? Why do commuters on the A3 at 6am insist on sitting so close to your bumper that they can see what dinner you are going to deposit in the toilet next?

If this kicks off, I might actually move it to a proper website with an archive and all that Jazz… because the drivers don’t seem to care who knows they are there!

Its not just that though. I am going to include thoughts and feelings as I go about my day (or night – I work shifts), comment on the news…. especially if it means us drivers are paying out more money, and generally being chaotic…. like the lorry driver who insisted on driving the wrong way down a one way street, straight into traffic!

A lorry which crashed through the rear door of a ferry had been left with its handbrake off, investigators find…. From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: buy a boat. The blog is also related to: boat accesories.

Click on the image for full size

Aşağıdaki habere bayıldım. Sürücüyü de ,yanındaki arkadaşını da,trafik ekiplerini de kutluyorum. Film gibi.

İstanbul’dan 15 ton ambar yüküyle İzmir’e gelen kamyonun, yokuş aşağı inerken frenleri patladı ve yaklaşık bu şekilde 5 kilometre yol aldı. Ancak şoför Gürsel Duran’ın becerisi ve trafik ekiplerinin aldığı önlemlerle, hiçbir araca çarpmadan ve herhangi bir yere zarar vermeden durduruldu. Böylece İzmir bayram öncesi olası büyük bir faciadan kurtuldu (kaynak).

Konu trafik olunca:

Bir yasa ile sigara kamusal kapalı mekanlarda yasaklanınca acaba diyorum:

ölümde yasaklanabilir mi?Bayramlarda  kara yollarımız kan gölüne dönüyor ya.

Arife  günü 29 ölü,102 yaralı.

Sürücülere ölüm vergisi konsa,direksiyona geçen vatandaş kendi ölümünde  mirasçılarına ağır vergi yükü gelse?Araç sigortacıları da trafik ekiplerine yardım etse.Trafik  ekipleri kendi görev alanlarındaki her kazadan ceza puanı alsa. Ne bileyim başka tedbirler de olabilir. Sürücülerin sürücü belgeleri tekrar kontrol edilse. Ya da başka yaptırımlar olsa. Ölümü yasaklayamazlar belki ama,trafik kazaları bu kadar olmak zorunda mı?

Her araca bir chip konsa …….kazalar azalır gibi me geliyor..

A new system is currently being developed by a UK firm designed to remove blind spots on HGV’s. According to figures from the Department for Transport there are over 1,000 accidents involving Lorries who fail to see other vehicles, when changing lanes. About two thirds of the accidents involve traffic moving into the right hand lane when overtaking.

The system comprises of four cameras, one at each corner of the vehicle. The system has no confirmed pricing as yet, but removes blind spots fro lorries, whether the vehicles are left or right hand drive. The cameras feed information back to the colour screen of the lorries navigation system and is currently being trailed. However it is expected to be a further 3 years before the system is available for retail.

If your HGV driving record has either no insurance claims or a small number of claims, we can beat your existing HGV Insurance Quote. Visit our website and we will save you money on your Lorry Insurance policy.

John Bendo campaigns for the elections

By Cara Sulieman

THE BROTHER of a boy who was killed in a road accident is standing for the Scottish Youth Parliament.

Fourteen-year-old John Bendo hopes that he can campaign for better road safety if his election bid is successful.

His brother, David, was just 17 when he was hit by a lorry during his lunch break in February last year.

And now John is hoping to highlight the problems of safety around construction sites as part of his manifesto.

“Make schools safer”

His brother was killed while building work was under way to replace Tynecastle High School.

He said: “I came up with the manifesto based on things that I feel really strongly about. My big brother was killed in an accident and I want to make schools safer and construction sites safer.

“Road safety is one of the big things I want to change because I know what it feels like and it was really hard.”

But it isn’t just road safety that John is keen on; he wants to show that young people are not all bad.

“We’re not all chavs”

He said: “I want young people to have more of a decision about what could affect them.

“I just want to get involved because young people get a bad name and I want everyone to realise that young people are not all chavs and that we do want to achieve things.”

John has already built up a huge amount of support through his campaign and has spoken to most of the classes in his school to plug his manifesto.

Isobel Gilmour, principal teacher of guidance at St Augustine’s, said: “John is the first candidate we have had at the school so it makes it even more special for us.

“His main aims are more choice in decisions that affect young people, more groups and activities to be set up for young people, and to highlight the good that young people achieve.

“Really personal”

“He also wants construction sites to be kept safe where there are young people nearby, especially at schools.

“This is obviously a really personal one for John.”

The Bendo family moved to Scotland from Albania in 1997 and settled in Edinburgh in 2005.

John’s father, Laze, said: “We are very proud of him for doing this because he is so young.”

David Bendo’s old school, Tynecastle High set up the David Bendo cup in April last year in memory of the tragic schoolboy.

The Scottish Youth Parliament elections will be held from September 7 to 11.

See more of our pictures at our Flickr site and videos at our dedicated channel,  Deadline TV.

I had a busy dream last night, but instead of writing it down whilst it was still fresh, I’m trying to remember bits of it now.

It’s fragmented, but I recal someone being there (I was with friends, some old and some new) that shouldn’t have been, so I felt a somewhat tense atmosphere. Anyway, we were what I believe was my house, but it was different, darker, with coloured lights somewhere, lots of beaded curtains; very boho. I think I was planning some sort of trip with these people, because I remember traveling on a mountain bike (my old yellow one). Whoever I was with then turned into one of my brothers and the next thing I know my bike’s wheels are totally flat (which is what my bike’s current state is!) and I’m pushing it after my brother who turns back into being one of my friends. I think somewhere along the way we must have disregarded our bikes as we’re on a bus, which then turns into a lorry (which is still moving with the back open) and we find what we think is metal wrapped up in polyethene. For some strange reason (its got a wave to it this metal) I instantly recognise it as a new bike, and once off this lorry, my friend and I go to pull out this bit of metal, but they turn out to be snakes. I think my dream at this point was fighting to have them be alive so I’d wake up with a start, but they turned into snake themed bikes instead. I remember mine being yellow and his grey/silver.

And that was it as I woke up. I know there was much more to this dream, as the bits riding the bike were longer but I just can’t remember detail.

A rise in the number of foreign-registered heavy goods vehicles on Britain’s roads has led to “unacceptable levels of non-compliance with basic road safety standards,” a committee of MPs has said.

Many of them are from the newer EU states such as Bulgaria and Romania.

The Transport Committee’s report on the enforcement activities of the Vehicle and Operator Services Agency (VOSA) paid tribute to the agency’s work.

“We recognise that the Government and VOSA cannot specifically target foreign operators, but it is imperative that the Government works intensively to identify ways to improve enforcement and compliance among foreign-registered heavy goods vehicles,” they said.

“Of particular concern were the unacceptably high levels of non-compliance with vehicle safety standards among foreign-registered vehicles, the lack of access to ports to carry out inspections and the sharing of information with other agencies both at UK and EU levels.

“The fact that Britain has some of the safest roads in Europe is testament, among other things, to the success of VOSA’s enforcement regime.

“It is crucial that VOSA has access to sufficient resources to continue to improve the standard of HGVs and PSVs on our roads.

“This can only be achieved through continued investment in technology and service improvements.

“However, it is clear from our evidence that significant improvement in enforcement activities is likely to result from better legislation and collaboration with other agencies and private companies such as ports, rather than simply from an increase in funding.”

Committee Chairman Louise Ellman said VOSA is recognised as a model of best practice and a leader within Europe.

She added:

“The work of VOSA is also hampered by some of the data sharing regulations.

“It is clear that with many unsafe foreign registered lorries and drivers entering the UK, it is crucial that VOSA can share information with colleagues in other European countries to bring cowboy operators to book.

“Better arrangements are needed so that the tracking methods used so effectively to nail non-compliant British vehicles can be employed to target foreign registered lorries and coaches also.”

Click here to read the report.

photo: talras@flickr.com

I am an avid fan of cars.  They have always been able to catch and hold my attention for hours on end, no matter what mood I might be in.  There’s just so much about them that interests me.  Some are showcases of modern engineering, others are impressive by virtue of sheer beauty.  The Jaguar E-type is a car that fits in the latter category.  It’s nearly in a league of its own when it comes to good looks.  When I’m old and impotent, I won’t need Viagra or any other pill geared towards rectifying erectile dysfunction to get me going.  Just show me a silhouette picture of the E-type Jag and I’ll be ready to take on the entire female population of Sweden, barring of course the small issue of horny 80-year olds not being very attractive.  But my ability to construe automotive design as a way to regulate blood flow to the penis is not today’s topic, far from it.  My gripe is with something quite a lot more bothersome.

A lorry

I travel long distances by car quite often, and it’s something I often take great pleasure in doing.  The mountainous landscape of southern Norway is breathtakingly beautiful, and the best way to see it, barring a personal airplane, is by car.  The act of driving is quite entertaining as well; changing gears smoothly

Beautiful scenery

as the road climbs and descends into valleys and over mountain passes, winding along the topography like a graceful asphalt river.  But there is a fly in this tomato soup.  Actually that is an understatement; there’s a Saab Scania in my soup.  I am of course referring to lorries.

On my last drive home, I was stuck behind one of these motorised warehouses for over one hour.  The road was winding, and I was in a car with a whopping 63bhp and about as much torque as an electric tooth brush, so overtaking the lumbering behemoth wasn’t an option.  The road was also about as wide as my fingernail, meaning even if I had been in a sports car I still wouldn’t have been able to go past the lorry without a jet engine and wings.  So there I was, left to the good manners of a man who gets his opinions from the local radio station of wherever he’s delivering mattresses that week.

“This man was on a mission, and his mission was to make my life miserable.„

When I’m out driving, I’m usually quite the gentleman.  If someone comes up behind me with a speed greater than mine, I blink to the side and let them pass.  Should I catch up to someone who’s under the impression that 80 km/h means “80 only if you want to, but 50 is fine too”, I’ll give a few blinks of the turn indicator and signal that I’d like to overtake them by placing myself slightly towards the centre strip.  The lorry driver was not a gentleman, a fact he made quite clear by driving like he was alone in another dimension where time went a lot slower.  As I was being overtaken by squirrels and old women in electric wheelchairs, wondering if I was going to be home by the next ice age, I thought to myself: What kind of creature might be maneuvering the vessel I was currently stuck behind?  Furthermore, what is a lorryist really like?

“His sex life consists of picking up random hitchhikers…„

For starters, he possesses the intellectual capacity of a common garden snail.  And his physique?  Picture, if you will, someone with the appearance of a furry pear with legs and a hat, and a constant six day stubble.  Such a physique is the by-product of a diet consisting mainly of random sweaty meat products from road-side gas stations, and a workout routine of lifting a half-empty coffee mug thrice an hour.  His name is one syllable, probably Steve or Hank, and he wears a chequered, sleeveless flannel shirt.  He has many friends, but they’re all lorry drivers as well, and he only ever interacts with them on his short-wave radio.  His sex life consists of picking up random hitchhikers, raping them, and disposing of their bodies in plastic bags, preferably in several pieces.

While picturing what the berk in front of me was like provided quite good fun, it wasn’t going to solve my predicament in a hurry.  This man was on a mission, and his mission was to make my life miserable.  I tried signalling him more times than I care to count, but to no avail.  As we crept along the E134 at 40 km/h, the speed limit being 80 km/h, it dawned on me that this was no longer a matter of a lorryist and his reckless driving.  This was personal.  He could have easily yielded to the side and let me pass at one of the many widened road shoulders we passed, but he just crept on.  I know he was aware of me; the eight million cars behind me made sure of that with their helpful honking and flashing of their full lights.  But this man, in his vast sea of mental retardation, was apparently under the impression that all the craziness going on behind his lorry had nothing to do with him.  In his mind I’m sure the cacophonous disco of car horns and flashing lights was nothing but pleasant ambience to the rattle of his asthmatic diesel engine, which by the way was doing a very poor job of moving his truck forward.  So we kept going, still moving at the speed of growing hair, the truck driver still not showing any sign of intelligent life, line of cars behind me growing ever longer.

Finally, we came upon a straight piece of road wide enough for us both.  I overtook him, and gave him a polite honk of the horn accompanied by a rigid middle finger.  In all likelihood he’s still trundling along some mountain road, ruining the day for other drivers and killing cute rabbits along the road with his big, polluting diesel engine.  I can’t wait till someone invents teleportation as a way of transporting goods.  Then the lorry drivers can finally reach their next evolutionary milestone, becoming bus drivers.

I had the weirdest dream on Thursday night.

Scenario: I was a boy of about 10 years old in India. Apparently lost and taken in by some kind rich family. But I knew I belonged to Singapore, so I planned to escape.

I had 2 friends. One Indian boy who had a lorry waiting outside the rich family’s house, and another who tried to be my body double and fool the family while I made my escape.

The boy came into the room and I went out then I ran down the stairs 3 storeys, out the door, out the gates, and as the other boy began to drive the lorry away, I grabbed it and jumped onto the back of the lorry. Then I climbed into the seat on the left beside my friend who was driving the lorry (remember, we were only kids).

It didnt seem like the rich family knew of my escape, no one came after me, but my heart was beating real fast. *thump! thump! thump!* it went..

My friend drove into some small lane, I was amazed the lorry could squeeze through it, then stopped. He didn’t want to go any further. “But I want to go back to Singapore!” I said. So I decided to drive although I had no license. I just tried to imitate what I saw on TV and how I observed my friends drive.

Guess what? I didnt have to get out of my seat. Apparently this lorry had steering wheels and pedals on both front seats. (Well, dreams don’t always make sense, do they?)

Long story short, I began to drive but was really bad at it. Still I managed to estimate the turnings properly and didn’t crash into anyone else. Out of nowhere, there was a bunch of friends in the back of the lorry and they were all trying to teach/tell me how to drive. I was already nervous enough as it is, their chattering voices and shouting instructions didn’t help. At all.

One BIG problem I faced was that my side view mirror wasn’t open. It was like those foldable mirrors on some cars. I couldnt see what was behind my lorry. Gosh. I had so much trouble getting the mirror open. The lorry was old and I had to (manually) push some levers on the side of the door to get it to open but that took awhile, and i was STILL driving the lorry. o.0

Well, before I knew it, I was awake in bed. *phew!* What a night! I can’t believe I was driving a LORRY in my dream. x_x

As I went to work that morning after the dream, I began to notice the lorries and trucks on the road. Almost all of them had at least 3 mirrors on the left side, sticking out from the head of the vehicle. I can’t really explain it, but I was SO relieved and happy to see that. =)

At least now I’m sure I want to get my class 3 license.. and maybe a class 4 in future. LOL.

Yours truly~ ^.^

Strange lorry’s accident in China on the bridge

After much consideration and a fair-lot of beer, I have decided that it’s time for something new! I’m obviously in a rut and need a complete change of pace! So, in my common spirit of adventure, and with the gusto of a hundred fat men at an all-you-can-eat spaghetti feed, I have decided to grow long hair, adopt a British accent, move to London, and buy a crap-ass car!

The New Me

Why? Cause that’s what women want! They want the longhaired dude with an accent that isn’t in to material things! It’s romantic and chic and because I make it look good!

But why London? Simple, I’ll hit on Sabina when she gets there! No woman could resist my charms!

Ooh! La! La!

Besides, if that doesn’t work out, I can by a truck and drive Sabina around!

Honk if you got a big blue bed and know how to use it!!!

Then, when somebody asks, “Do you drive lorry?”, I will say, “No. I drive Sabina!”

How cool would that be?

Yep, gonna do it! My dreams will come true!

Still Single and now out of beer,

Scott

No.57

Alison Carmichael: Back of a truck

Alison Carmichael: Michelle is a slag

Original link: Creative Review, http://www.creativereview.co.uk/back-issues/creative-review/2009/april-2009/alison-carmichael-exquisite-handjobs

Related link: http://www.alisoncarmichael.com/

I’m writing this sitting some 35,000 feet above the small island of Cyprus. It’s easy to spot, it’s the one that’s invaded by us Brits year after year. As such, the aircraft is a wish-wash of Greeks and Brits, and it’s easy to see who is who. The Greeks are the ones talking to each other, chatting amiably with their fellow passengers. And us? Well, we’re the ones sitting in stone-faced silence, waiting patiently for the in-flight meal to work its way round. The Greeks are then, in many ways, better than us. Their artwork for example, is in my mind second to none and their cooking tastes better than anything I have ever dreamed of. But I have to say, having spent the past few weeks in their company, that there is one aspect of their lifestyle that I simply cannot comprehend. One thing about them that I’m sorry to say, I find appalling. Their driving is, for lack of a far stronger word, atrocious.

 Here is a country that is unphased by traffic lights; here are a people who seem unconcerned with road safety law. I’ll give you an example. A friend of mine was driving down a stretch of road that links two of the many villages dotted around the island together. It was much what you would expect a road to be, it was fairly straight, fairly smelly, and was coated in something that looked very much like tarmac. However, the lorry in front of them was not what they expected. At all. As they pulled alongside, the window of the driver’s side was open, as was the door. Given the gesticulation that followed, it turned out the driver was not happy with the slightly naff air conditioning in his cab, and had decided to open the door to let some air in. Now if that had happened in Britain, 10 million traffic wombles would have closed the road for 3 weeks whilst they chastised the poor bloke for being so stupid. But the truth is, we in Britain, with our health-and-safety jackets and our hi-visibility government, have more road traffic accidents than the Cypriots. And yet, for the most part, every time you venture onto a road in Cyprus, you run the risk of returning either a) without your car, or b) significantly less alive than when you went out.

Another perfect example of the more “do or die trying” style of Cypriot driving came within a few days of us landing in the country. A section of the motorway had been closed to allow for some quite major road works to take place. And, it just so happened that one junction had been made inaccessible, as all traffic on the motorway was diverted onto a single carriageway. Now if this were Britain, or indeed any other country not inhabited by maniacs, we would have carried on past the junction in question and persevered with the minor delay caused by the road works, and carried on with our journey. This would be the sane thing to do. Unfortunately sane is not a word that features in the Cypriot dictionary. Because they were turning around, in the face of oncoming traffic, and going up the opposite slip-road to the “inaccessible” junction. Needless to say we were shocked. There were cars engaged in mid U-turn, seemingly unconcerned with the thirty tonne lorries headed towards them. And yet, it seemed to them a perfectly normal thing to do. Perhaps it’s the fact that they have a severely undermanned police force, or perhaps that their government has literally no control over the country. Either way, the scene was utter chaos.

We all know that most countries have something they are famous for. Us Brits are very good at moaning about the weather, and going on holidays to the lake district. The French are very good at creating cars that nobody wants to buy. The Americans have a definite knack for putting silicon in people. The list goes on. But the Cypriots? Well, speaking from my experiences over the last two weeks? They should definitely stick to cooking.