Another Hollywood novel with a writer as a narrator…but this wrter is not a screenwriter but a pulp hack.

Silverberg had the first Nightstand (1501) with Love Addict, reviewed here, and had the first Midnight Reader (401) with Lust Queen.

I love the “waterbaby” Robert Bonfils cover, a companion to Robert Carney’s Anything Goes.

Joey Baldwin writes detective and science-fiction books and makes an average living. Then his agent gets him a lucrative gig: ghostwrite the autobiography of a 50s star, Mona Thorne, who is making a come-back.  He stands to get $15,000 for the initial job, with a possible $50K more with foreign, film, and other rights.  Big money for 1961!

He’s about done with a sticky divorce and wants to marry his girlfriend, Lisa.  He has to leave her for a few months to go to L.A. and write the book. He assumes he will be put up in a hotel but Mona Thorne wants him to live at her Pacific Palasides estate…and, he finds out the first night, be her sex toy.

This is no Norma Desmond/Sunset Boulevard gigolo situation.  Mona is in her mid-30s, well-fit, well-endowed, tanned, sexy, and likes kinky things in bed.  Joey likes doing kinky stuff he’d never ask Lisa to do.

So begins their business arrangement: breakfast early, work on the book, pool and marinis by four, dinner, Hollywood parties, sex all night, and so on…

L.A. people find Joey fascinating since he’s not a screenwriter. When people ask, “What studio are you with?” they cannot get their minds wrapped around the fact that Joey is not in the game.

The book opens like it’s Silverberg’s autobio:

I was busy making the typewriter move. My fingers were writing as if they had their own private case of St. Vitus Dance, and every time they twitched more nice black marks appeared on the white paper in the machine. I was 40,000 words into the new detective novel… (p. 5)

Writers who have never worked on a manual typewriter do not understand what a physical task it was to use the machine, pressing down on keys, putting paper and carbons in, changing ribbons, matching one’s typing skills to the keyboard of any given typer…some old writers, like Harlan Ellison, still write on manual machines, never having graduated to an electric one (Ellison didn’t like how they hummed) or computer…Silverberg is on a computer now, and online, having embraced the 21st Century…I understand that T.C Boyle still writes on the old Sears typewriter he had when he was first writing.

Joey meets a lot of typical Hollywood characters — the miscle boy models, the shady producers, the jealous actresses…at one party, Joey meets a down to earth TV announcer on a kid’s network and has a quickie outside with her. She also has “small breasts,” unusual in sleaze where all women are at least 37-42 D cups.

Mona gets outrageously jealous over his sex fling…but gets over it…but when Lisa comes to visit him, she loses her mind…

Mona is petty, insecure, clingy, cannot take rejection for a big famous rich star…Silverberg does a good job showing how the famous lived isolated, lonely lives for the most part, outside their films and publicity shots.  I have seen the same with well known actors I have met in Malibu (staying at the home of a certain big produce once and getting to know the neighbors like Bruce Willis, etc.)…one thing Silverberg did’t mention that I find funny is how so many film/tv stars are short…they’re all so damn short..

This is one of the better Don Elliots, I think, up there with Sin Servant, Love Addict, and Convention Girl.  It’s also a dark story of greed and petty jealousy, with quite the violent outcome with a nice Hollywood iroic twist about commercial marketing of tragedy.

LOVE by Mika Nakashima

1.) Venus in The Dark
2.) Love Addict
3.) aroma
4.) 雪の華
5.) RESISTANCE (album version)
6.) FIND THE WAY
7.) marionette
8.) 接吻
9.) You send me love
10.) Be in Silence
11.) LOVE NO CRY
12.) 愛してる (album version)
13.) LAST WALTZ

Released: November 6th, 2003 ~ Highest Chart Position: #1 ~ First Week Sales: 437,218 ~ Total Sales: 1,447,681

LOVE is Mika Nakashima’s 2nd album. This album proved to be more popular than TRUE, which is rare for an artist. This won Best Album of the Year at the 2003 Japan Record Awards. All the A-sides are included onto this album, and interesting enough a lot of B-sides are present as well. RESISTANCE, 愛してる, Love Addict, 接吻, FIND THE WAY, and 雪の華 were all released beforehand. With tracks from all of them (excluding 接吻, FIND THE WAY, and 雪の華 since those didn’t have B-sides) being on this album.

Venus in The Dark has such a misleading start. I thought it’d be a pure hip-hop song at first xD Turns out it’s a smooth Jazz-Pop song. Mika’s vocals are still of course excellent in this song. I still adore how she always uses the perfect back-up vocals. The chorus isn’t anything spectacular, but it’ll do. This is overall a pretty nice song, and is a great opener.

Love Addict is still an excellent song! It’s pure jazz and Mika has the perfect vocals for this type of song. The back-up vocals I cannot stop complimenting since they sound perfect as always. The song is over 7 minutes but feels like 4. Great song.

aroma is a slow jazz song, once again xD It sounds like STARS, but a lot better. The song is a bit too long for it’s own good, but I still enjoyed it anyway.

雪の華 is next <3 I still adore this song a lot. Minus that loud bassline in the background. That bassline overshadows the other beautiful instruments D: But Mika delivered a great performance.

雪の華 transitions right into RESISTANCE strangely enough. The introduction seems a bit different now. Mika’s vocals sound stronger too. But I thought this song was pretty nice. I think the back-up vocals are gone o: But I was being too distracted to notice.

FIND THE WAY is next. I still think it’s just a ballad. But a very pretty ballad and Mika sounds great as always.

I sadly don’t remember much of marionette. It does sound like a faster STARS or TEARS (粉雪が舞うように…). The instrumentation is a bit strange sounding, but I love Mika’s vocals and the choir. But I thought the song just dragged on a bit too long for my liking.

接吻 is still excellence. Mika’s first attempt at Reggae was a great attempt. She pulled it off as if she were singing this type of genre all her life. Love the back-up vocals and the instrumentation.

It took 7 single tracks to reach a new track XD You send me love has such a weird but catchy introduction! Mika and her back-up vocals work well together during the beginning and sing “Time and time again”. The song seems to be laid-back rock or something in that genre. It’s a relaxing song. Nothing more to say about that. It does get a bit lengthy though. But still pretty nice. Mika’s vocals were great.

I don’t remember much of Be in Silence from the Love Addict single. For some odd reason too xD Anyway, the introduction is really slow sounding. I still laugh at her UHH UHHH’s because they are so freaking random! Haha. But this is still an enjoyable song.

LOVE NO CRY is excellent. Love the arrangement, love the back-up vocals and love how Mika is singing in this song. I just love it when she shouts LOVE NO CRY because the way she sings/shouts it is so catchy! Don’t know why either. Great track anyway <3

I still don’t really like how Mika sings at the beginning of 愛してる (album version) because she sounds awkward.  But other than that, I like the piano and choir of course xD

LAST WALTZ ends off the album with a pretty sound. The instrumentation is very ambient sounding, and Mika sounds great as always.

Favorite Tracks:
1.) Love Addict
2.) 雪の華
3.) 接吻

LOVE was a great album! All the tracks were strong and I loved every track. Mika just knows how to make such good music. Every song had something interesting in them, rare for all the artists I review. This album had great flow and was a much more interesting listen than TRUE was. Not saying TRUE was bad or anything, just this provided more interesting songs. I can’t wait to progress through Mika’s discography :3

A

NEW VIDEO BLOG from our times at Purple Door… This is what happens when you get 2 crazy bands together…

Check out our pals Family Force 5 at www.myspace.com/familyforce5

Have a great weekend!  See you in NYC tomorrow!!

Old school pic. New School Show...

http://in2church.org/xng/index.php/concert/

Love Addict by Mika Nakashima

1.) Love Addict
2.) Be in Silence
3.) aroma (Live)
4.) Love Addict (Fukihiro Fukutomi remix)
5.) Love Addict (Instrumental)

Released: April 9th, 2003 ~ Highest Chart Position: #5 ~ Total Sales: 68,943

Love Addict is Mika’s 7th single and the 2nd single in the LOVE era.

Love Addict has a gorgeuos string opening before some nice jazzy instrumentation takes over that. Mika’s vocals are great in this song, and she is strong throughout the whole thing. I found myself singing along with her a lot since this song is super catchy XD The choir harmonizes well with Mika and provide great back-up vocals. Even though the song lasts 7 minutes, it only feels like 4. Something that Mika does just makes it seem short. Only singer I know who can do that xD The scant singing interlude Mika randomly does is a great listen as well. This is a great and addictive track.

Be in Silence is great as well. It’s more laid-back than Love Addict, and Mika delivers a strong performance. The choir that sings with her once again does a great job of sounding nice along side Mika. The random sections were she hums was random, but it sounded nice (although I did lol once at it xD). The long note Mika holds at one point in the song was nice to hear. Very nice and laid-back track that Mika has made here.

aroma (live) is great. If one were to hear this first, they would think this was the original version (minus the audience in the beginning xD You could totally tell this is live because of them). I think that Mika did a great performance of this song, and the choir is still great with Mika. I love how well she did on the song. The audience gave out my reaction, bunch of claps and whistles <3

You know, with the title Love Addict (Yukihiro Fukutomi remix), you’d expect Love Addict to be used. But nope, none of Mika’s vocals are used. This is a 7 minute instrumental remix. Love Addict’s strings aren’t even used till the 4-5 minute mark. Nothing in the beginning sounds like Love Addict. This was a disappointing remix.

Thank goodness Love Addict (Instrumental) is after that <3 The arrangement in the song is great. The strings are nice, the jazz instrumentation is nice. Everything is great in this song.

Love Addict was a great single! I enjoyed all the tracks (except for the shitty remix) on this single. I like how all the songs on the single last over 5 minutes. So this is a long listen, but you’ll find a song you like <3

A-

This novel has some historical significance in sleaze book publishing, for Nightstand/Greenleaf/Cornith/Blake Pharms, and even in science-fiction history.  Love Addict is Robert Silverberg’s first book for Nightstand, and the first Nightstand, William Hamling’s foray into softcore novels — some will contend it was Harlan Ellison’s idea, although Ellison seems to have divorced himself from his contribution to sleaze publishing — not only did he seem to commission and edit this novel from Silverberg (paying him $600, with a $200 bonus when it went into a2nd printing), Ellison wrote the third Nightstand, Sex Gang, a collection of stories that is now a hard-to-find and much sought after collectior’s item, going for $500-800 on the market — hell, a month ago I was bidding on a very poor, falling apart copy on eBay, and someone else got it for $198.

Love Addict is also rare, at least the first printing, but I got my hands on a second priting (1959 edition, Reed Nightstand later re-issued it as a regular-sized mass market ppbk in 1973, see above) for $33.

Silverberg had a previous relationship with William Hamling — he had a $500/month contract to provide text for Hamling’s Imagination, a SF pulp…that went away when the SF market dried up in the mid-1950s.  Harlan Ellison was an editor for Hamling’s Rogue Magazine, a men’s slick compeeting with Playboy.  In “My Life as a Pornographer,” Silverberg explains it:

I was 24 years old when I stumbled, much to my surprise, into a career of writing sex novels. I was then, as I am now, primarily known as a science-fiction writer. But in l958, as a result of a behind-the-scenes convulsion in the magazine-distribution business, the whole science fiction publishing world went belly up. A dozen or so magazines for which I had been writing regularly ceased publication overnight; and as for the tiny market for s-f novels (two paperback houses and one hardcover) it suddenly became so tight that unless you were one of the first-magnitude stars like Robert Heinlein or Isaac Asimov you were out of luck.

I had been earning a very nice living writing s-f since my graduation from college a few years earlier. I had a posh five-room apartment on Manhattan’s exclusive West End Avenue ($l50 a month rent – a fortune then!), I had fallen into the habit of spending my summer vacations in places like London and Paris, I ate at the best restaurants, I was learning something about fine wines. And suddenly two thirds of the magazines I wrote for were out of business, with a slew of older and better-established writers competing for the few remaining slots.

Robert Silverberg and Harlan Ellison in 1960.

But I was fast on my feet, and I had some good friends. One of them was Harlan Ellison, a science-fiction writer of my own age, who – seeing the handwriting on the wall in the science fiction world – had left New York to accept a job in Chicago as editor of Rogue, an early men’s magazine that was trying with some success to compete with its cross-town neighbor, Playboy. (Penthousedidn’t yet exist, in those far-off days.) The publisher of Rogue was William L. Hamling, a clean-cut young Chicago suburbanite whose first great love, like Harlan’s and mine, had been science fiction. Bill Hamling had published an s-f magazine called Imagination, which bought one of my first stories in l954. From l956 on, he had paid me $500 a month to churn out epics of the spaceways for him on a contract basis. Now, though, Imagination was gone, and Hamling’s only remaining publishing endeavor was his bi-monthly girlie magazine.

Harlan, soon after going to work for him, convinced Bill that the future lay in paperback erotic novels. Hamling thought about it for about six minutes and agreed. And then Harlan called me.

“I have a deal for you, if you’re interested,” he said. “One sex novel a month, 50,000 words. $600 per book. We need the first one by the end of July.” It was then the beginning of July. I didn’t hesitate. $600 a month was big money in those days, especially when you were a young writer at your wits’ end because all your regular markets had crashed and burned. One book would pay four months rent. They were going to publish two paperbacks a month, and I was being offered a chance to write half the list myself. “You bet,” I said. By the end of July Harlan had Love Addict – a searing novel of hopeless hungers, demanding bodies, girls trapped in a torment of their own making, et cetera, et cetera. (I’m quoting from the jacket copy.)

Bill Hamling loved Love Addict. By return mail came my six hundred bucks and a request for more books. I turned in Gang Girl in September. I did The Love Goddess in October. Later that month I wrote Summertime Affair also. Two novels the same month? Why not? I was fast, I was hungry, I was good.

In October, also, the first two Nightstand Books went on sale – mine and something called Lust Club, by another young writer who also was making a quick adaptation to changes in his writing markets. His book, like mine, was really pretty tame stuff. What we were writing, basically, were straightforward novels of contemporary life, with very mild interludes of sexual activity every twenty or thirty pages. But the characters actually did go to bed with each other, and we did try to describe what they were doing and how they felt in as much detail as the government would allow.

You can read the entire text here at Earl Kemp’s el.

Silverberg’s essay seems to indicate that Love Addict was his fisrt forway into softcore, but he had been publishing books with Bedside all through 1959 — seven as David Challon and five as Mark Ryan (as far as I can tell), most published in 1959.  Love Addict was written in July 1959 and published in Ocober, so Silverberg was a busy guy, typing away.  Also, Silverberg makes it look like he was approached to write, although Earl Kemp, in “Have Typewriter, Will Whore for Food,” it was Silverberg’s idea to have Ellison pitch a Bedstand-like series to Hamling:

In New York City, popular young science fiction writer Robert Silverberg discovered Bedside Books. At that point in time (1959), Silverberg had already acquired a serious case of Compulsive Writeritus and was looking for new markets to conquer. Bedside Books looked like a natural. In short order Silverberg was selling them manuscripts that appeared under the bylines of David Challon and MarkRyan. The new market direction could be the answer to many writers’ wildest dreams in the very near future.

Harlan Ellison, along with his wife Charlotte, was preparing to move to Evanston, Illinois, to work for William Hamling. Silverberg approached Ellison with the glorious possibilities for the future for energetic young writers and had him all primed and ready for William Hamling so Ellison could lay out the road map to Toontown in front of him.

Everyone thought Ellison was in Evanston to work on Rogue, Hamling’s Playboy-type men’s magazine. Even Harlan thought so at times, and talked about it incessantly, thereby furthering his modest reputation….

Hamling liked the idea of the proposed books and grasped the concept of the throwaway sleazy paperback firmly in his hands. After a bit of formulation, Hamling sent Ellison back to New York City to start the ever-loving money-making wheels in motion.

Harlan Ellison went straight to Robert Silverberg to report on his success with Hamling in the initial set-up phase of the operation. It was Silverberg, not Ellison, who took the proposal to Scott Meredith that eventually opened the doors to the fabled black box clandestine enterprise that virtually flooded the country with soft-core pornography.

I could even stretch the point just a little and say that it was Robert Silverberg that made me what I am today.

So, basically, Harlan Ellison and Robert Silverberg started the ball rolling of what is now canonical history in publishing, freedom of speech, obscenity and censorship lawsuits and criminal court cases, and now a niche collectors realm.

Earl Kemp continues:

Toss out the half dozen rather tame sex scenes, Love Addict is an urban novel about a serious drug addiction in the 1950s: heroin, also known as H, horse, junk.  It is also a doomed love story.

Jim Holman is an engineer in the middle of a bad divorce.  Pissed after leaving his wife’s lawyer’s office, Holman stops off at a Brooklyn jazz club to have a few drinks; there is is mesmerized the 22-year-old woman singing with the band, Helene Raymond.  He talks to her, convinces her to let him drive her home…she keeps warning him that she will hurt him, she is no good. She tells him she’s a junkie, and shows him the needle marks on her thigh.  She says she has been off junk for three months but knows she will relapse.  He doesn’t care; he’s in love…

Problem: the band leader is an ex-boyfriend since she was 17.  She has broken it off but he’s possessive and does not like her dating and sleeping with this older man (Holman is 29).  Helene is manic and goes back on heroin, that her ex-boyfriend is happy to supply.

Holman tries to help her quit the habit…he takes her for a two week trip to the Adriondacks. He says he will marry her whne his divorce happens.  She moves in with him at his upper west side apartment.  But her ex-bf tracks her down and gets her hooked again.  Holman murders the guy with his own saxophone.

It wasn’t just the sex and the cover that people bought this book: there was the dark forbiddne underside of jazz hopheads, reefer madness, and shooting junk with shared needles (this was pre-AIDS, of course).

The cover is misleading. First, Helene is a blonde and the girl on the cover had dark hair…two, she does not shoot junk in front of him and the man on the cover is not jazzy beatnik enough to be the band members.

It was good to sit down and read the novel that started Nightstand/Greenlead and set off a series of events that have shaped the freedoms of what wrters can write, publishers can print, and readers can read.

Have family visiting this week so I’m not writing as much this week. Thought I would share another song I find fun and amusing. This Love Addict by Family Force 5.

Every time I try to forget every single part of him something unexpected tends to happen.A example of this event is when I was walking with the crowd and I think I accidentally see him so I try to follow him ,but like most stories I ended up following the wrong guy<embarassing yea right>.But I’ll tell you that is not the worst of  all scenarios on my everyday life because what  torn me down is when I have this daydreams about him sitting next to me smiling at me but it is more appropriate if I used the term nightmare instead of daydream. Alright in my dream he was kissing this girl<maybe his exgirlfriend or his current girl>it was a wild and flirty kiss and the hardest part is that they were both in front of me and aware of my presence.Tears just fall down my cheek when I wake up.

I’m still wasting my precious time thinking about this guy.How stupid is this feeling.I can’t get over him.

I don’t want give me heart to someone who’s heart was promise to someone else other than me..

~~bitterness

I wish that  dream will never happen.

I have a thing for independency.

Everyone seems to be so concerned about their hardly ideal relationships but I don’t even care. I have my own will, strenght, intelligence and charm to be someone who doesn’t depend on “love”.

I will play my own games, I will tell my own lies, I will make my own mistakes but I will NEVER regret anything I’ve done.

You wanna solve the curious case of J. B. Vicious? Then go for it! But I warn you; not to get involved if you have nothing to do with the advanteges I posess. You will never succeed.

Antually, I don’t  expect any of you to succeed.

Jessica Brooklyn Vicious

1° album del dueto VAMPS titulado VAMPS, contiene 13 temas incluyendo los sencillos LOVE ADDICT,  I GOTTA KICK START NOW Y EVANESCENT. El album estará disponible en las versiones CD y CD+DVD a partir del 10 de junio.

CD Tracklist
1. BITE
2. LOVE ADDICT
3. COSMOS
4. SECRET IN MY HEART
5. EVANESCENT
6. VAMPIRE DEPRESSION
7. REDRUM
8. DEEP RED
9. I GOTTA KICK START NOW
10. TIME GOES BY
11. SWEET DREAMS
12. HUNTING
13. SEX BLOOD ROCK N’ ROLL

DVD Tracklist
01.LOVE ADDICT -Music Video-
02.EVANESCENT -Music Video-
03.I GOTTA KICK START NOW -Music Video-
04.TROUBLE -Music Video-

VAMPS- LOVE ADDICT (PV)

VAMPS- EVANESCENT (PV)

VAMPS- I GOTTA KICK START NOW (PV)

VAMPS- TROUBLE (PV)

You guys fail.

Not helping me.

pshhh.

Playlist # 2 (Song title :: Artist [Title is linked to lyrics])

1. 1,2,3,4 :: Plain White T\’s

2. Dear Maria, Count Me In :: All Time Low

3. You’re So Last Summer :: Taking Back Sunday

4. We’ll All Be :: The Maine

5. Just Like Heaven :: The Cure

6. Brain Stew :: Green Day

7. Fame and (Mis)Fortune :: Every Avenue

8. Break Out! Break Out :: All Time Low

9. Razor’s Edge :: Wlliam Control

10. Love Addict :: Family Force 5

NOW TELL ME WHAT YOU GUYS LIKE

Mika Nakashima’s [No More Rules] special album is officially on sale today!

Here’s the tracklist:

1 GAME
2 Love Addict
3 HEAVEN ON EARTH
4 SEVEN
5 I DON’T KNOW
6 DANCE WITH THE DEVIL
7 ISOLATION
8 蜘蛛の糸
9 Venus in The Dark
10 MY SUGAR CAT
11 conFusiOn
12 BLACK & BLUE
13 BLOOD
14 IT’S TOO LATE
15 FAKE

Mika’s turning 26 this year, so all her kanebo related stuff are being complied into this album to sort of end off the collaboration with Kanebo after all these years. (Kanebo’s target audience is from 18-25)

This album is limited to 50,000 copies only. And I managed to grab one as a gift for my friend! If you would like to grab a copy too, check out yesasia, playasia or hmv japan. Cdjapan is all sold out.

Here’s the song, [GAME], aired on 01/23/09, featured in the new Kanebo Kate commercial.

Enjoy!

*rolls off with distant world tickets. *evils laughter**
Von

Toby is not only one of my art students, but he’s also the worlds most inconspicuous ladies man on earth. I’m telling you, Tucker Maxx doesn’t have shiz on this 5 year old.  The elementary school girls might be enamored with  his brown mop top of hair, bulging blue eyes,  red polo shirt and khaki pants uniform, but for me its his relaxed charm that got my heart pitter pattering for a little Toby of my own. The following conversation at the Art Center last Friday  is why I want Toby to be my Valentine.…

*The scene: It’s a late Friday afternoon. It’s already getting dark outside. I’m wearing a black apron and sitting down at a table with 10 other students and my assistant teacher ripping up magazines for a montage (Montage:  A French word meaning : to put together   )   Toby is standing up next to me. Toby stops in the middle of his cutting and says:

Toby: Honestchitchat, I’m afraid I have some bad news….

Honestchitchat: Whats up sugar?

Toby: My mom says she wants me to try out an Art School closer to our house.

Honestchitchat: Toby! Are you going to cheat on me! (*The assistant teacher and students laugh)

Toby: Don’t worry HonestChitChat, I have a plan.

Honestchitchat: Oh reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllly? Shoot!

Toby: You see my mom says she just wants me to try out the school to see how I like it.  So, I’m gonna go just once and then no matter what if I like it or not I’m going to tell her I hate it. That way she’ll have to bring me back here and I can be with you again.

HonestChitChat: (*The other teacher drops her jaw. I throw my hand over my heart and say…) Toby, how did you become such a ladies man?

Toby: (*Pauses from his cutting, smiles and says, ) BREAD!

I hope all the women out there find a Valentine as sweet as Toby. A man that will strategize ways to see you. A man that will make you laugh. A man that will make you feel special. A man that isn’t afraid to say how he feels. A man that you can share the things you enjoy with. A man that IS NOT a mama’s boy.  A man that timidly hugs you and blushes when he says, “See you next week!”

xoxox,

HonestChitChat

I have to say that 2008 was a great year for the Japanese music industry and the material released this year got better every day. If we can see just as much effort next year, I’d (well, we’d all) be very happy. And not only was the material great in quantity, but it was excellent in quality. “Rien ne sert de courir, il faut partir a point” (what meaning is there in running if one leaves late?) is a proverb that could very well apply to 2008. The first quarter was marked by the release of two albums by the two central pillars of J-Pop, Utada Hikaru and Ayumi Hamasaki, and both, while they had their flaws, were excellent material. I did express vivid aggressiveness when reviewing HEART STATION, but that was from a uniquely objective view. Although it doesn’t reach her two previous albums, Utada Hikaru did it again with her fifth album. On the other hand, GUILTY is by far Ayumi’s most unique and most excellent album so far, namely the only one by her that I can sit through. Both albums were unique and far different from anything the two had previously done (Utada Hikaru’s perhaps less considering ULTRA BLUE was ultra synth, but the tone of the album was very different to her two previous albums). Soon after GUILTY, Ayumi’s avex rival, Koda Kumi, released an album which I consider to be horrendous, but which was equally a statement: Kingdom. For although GUILTY was Ayumi’s best, it was her first to not reached #1 on Oricon. This was seen as an opportunity, most likely, to usurp the Empress of J-Pop by many of avex’s competing labels. Every Little Thing released their eighth album, Door, which was a tasteful ballad through their music, while providing some variety from what we previously heard from them.

2008 was equally the year for solo artists breaking away from well-established groups, regrouping and disbanding. HIGH AND MIGHTY COLOR, a decently established rock/punk/metal/rap band, broke up, releasing their final single, Remember, in October and drawing a line there. On a more positive sidenote, Kaori Mochida, Every Little Thing’s vocalist, while continuing her band activities, announced her going solo (her debut single, Ame no Waltz, is due late January), and Do As Infinity are, to my joy, regrouping and will be releasing a single in Spring. Urata Naoya of boy/girl band AAA also received a solo contract from avex, and L’Arc-en-Ciel lead singer formed a band with K.A.Z. (from the band Oblivion Dust), VAMPS, and they released their debut single, LOVE ADDICT, on July 2nd. Utada Hikaru’s debut in America is confirmed for spring or summer, with the airing of a song from her upcoming album in February. YUI announced a one-year-long hiatus, and L’Arc-en-Ciel is equally temporarily breaking up to return to their solo activities. This year was also one for anniversaries and celebrations. Artists debuting in 1998 and 2003 celebrated their tenth or fifth anniversary this year, and among them are Ayumi Hamasaki, Utada Hikaru and Ai Otsuka. Ayumi released two 10th anniversary singles, Utada Hikaru is expected to release two books, and Ai Otsuka released a 5th anniversary single as well as her most mature album so far. avex equally had reason to celebrate, since last year was its 20th anniversary, and a group was formed for that occasion, GIRL NEXT DOOR.

2008 was full of highlights, surprises, new bands, and just a whole lot better than 2007. Here’s to 2009 and hoping it’ll be just as good as this past year!

I had a very difficult night last night. But it brought me to a place of enlightenment. Or rather, I shall say, awareness. 

I’ve been thinking that the “purpose” of this recovery and alone-time is to learn how to survive and love myself without a man around. I’m kinda doing that. It’s hard, but it’s getting done. However, I’m wrong. That’s NOT what my recovery is really about. If i think it is, i am fooling myself and simply remaining blind to the truth of my own personal addiction. 

What it is, is this: I keep failing to see the 500-pound elephant in the room. There is a bigger, uglier facet to my life that I have refused to face for YEARS and very possibly the driving force behind how i came to be a love addict… 

Let me be clear: i do not have a career. I do not take care of myself the way I should. I am NOT a productive member of society. I am dependent. 

This is very possibly the ugliest side of me. The monster in the closet. 

Sure, you might be thinking, “She’s just exaggerating,” or “It’s not as bad as she’s making it out to be.” But it is bad based on this fact: In order to claim bragging rights to adulthood and maturity you need to be able to take care of yourself. Plain and simple. 

I do have a job. I do earn money. And I do have two children for which I care for and love. But there’s a catch and one in which I won’t go into here for the sake of anonymity. Just trust me when I say, that if it weren’t for the help of my family and my fiscally responsible accountant, I would not be able to care for myself and my children. I do not produce anything of any great substance and what’s more, I do not give back to society. I cannot offer a service. I do not teach, volunteer, educate, produce or create anything which may benefit humanity. 

I merely survive. And that’s simply not good enough. 

I believe THIS is what I am running away from. I am running away from being Productive. From working. Every time i begin to date someone new, it’s like this waiting to exhale moment comes over me….Ah! Now i don’t have to face finding a real job or going back to grad school…now I can lose myself to someone else and keep avoiding the ugly truth. The ugly, nagging, festering truth that I have no real life. It’s not about my parents anymore. It’s not about what my dad did or didn’t do to destroy my life or create me this way. It’s not even about some deceptively attractive idea of a “fear of abandonment.” I CAN stand alone. But when I do, I am left with the ugliest part of me that I have refused to confront. And that’s what i don’t like. That is why I’d prefer to be in love. 

I came to this conclusion haphazardly. I was reading essays from freshyarn.com yesterday. If you get the chance read: Diamonds, by Jill Solloway and/or A Man of Great Principles, by Todd Levin. Both brilliant.

I started to peruse the writers’ bios and the more I read the more sick to my stomach I became.

I’ll give you an example: 

Meredith Hoffa had her first essay published in The Boston Globe Magazine when she was 18. After college she pursued journalism, working most recently at PBS’ The NewsHour with Jim Lehrer.

or how about this one:

Jenny Bicks was a Writer/Executive Producer on Sex and The City. She joined the show in the first season. Her work on the series has earned her anEmmy, multiple Golden Globes, Producer’s Guild Awards and two WGA nominations… In 2001, Jenny created and executive produced Leap of Faith. She is currently the creator/Executive Producer of Men in Trees…

It gets worse:

Doug Gordon is the author of The Engaged Groom which was published by Harper Collins in 2005. He has appeared on The Today Show and the Martha Stewart Living Radio Network and has been quoted on the subject of weddings in newspapers and magazines across the country. He is also a TV writer and producer and was on the staff of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for four years. His credits include shows for VH1, Court TV, The History Channel, and a series of public service announcements starring Meredith Vieira.

Granted, these bios are all quite self-serving. There is no mention of saving the environment or working on fighting land-development. No memberships in Amnesty International, or writing credentials that include the journalistic exposing of child soldiers in Africa. These people’s bios are entertainment driven. None of them are probably saving the world. But they are achieving in their field. And that, to me, is huge. I have done neither. I have neither achieved anything in my “field” (I don’t even have a field) nor have I produced or worked toward anything potentially world-changing. 

I thought of my own bio. How it would read. Of course the over-dramatic version came to me: Tracy lived at home until she was 27, quit college in ‘95, married, had babies. She moved to the suburbs, changed a million diapers, attended horrifying Longaberger Basket parties and became highly skilled at redirecting the focus of her spouse’s sex addiction to online porn rather than herself. She has written voraciously for most of her life but, to date, has only published one 4-page, double-spaced short story in an online magazine that has a readership of 5000. She does, however, give great head and has fallen in love nearly 40 (count ‘em FORTY) times. 

The beast is rearing its ugly head and laughing at me, saying, “what have you done with your pathetic life but chased after men?”

So, what does this all have to do with love addiction? Well…I remember when I was being interview by Pernille. Despite being a successful documentarist, she is also a love addict. And she said to me once, “why is it that I cannot have both? A career and a relationship? When the relationship comes, I am all-consumed by it and don’t want to work or do anything else.”

The difference between she and I is that she is willing to put a lot of effort into her career during alone time, so much so, that she has won 28 film awards for her documentary “The Monastery.” I, on the other hand, have only been willing to put most of my effort into men. In between “gigs,” so to speak, I merely pass the time waiting, doing mundane things. 

This disgusts me. And I need to change. 

I wanted to sing. I wanted to write. I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to make movies. I wanted to own a restaurant. I wanted to write a book. I wanted to write a screenplay. And yet, I have put no effort into any of that. When and if I did I (graduating from college), I stopped and gave it all up for a relationship– and a bad one at that.

Bottom line is this: i have to face this monster. I have been, since October, taking steps to do so. I have re-applied to grad school for Creative Writing. I have kept a promise to myself that I will have my work continually submitted to magazines and publishers. I have begun this blogs to help educate people on love addiction. I am writing more and more. I am even looking into ways to not only donate money to causes of my choice (forest conservation, stopping land development, keeping the democrats in the White House), but to actually work towards enlightening people on these issues and hopefully raise money in the process). I know I have it in me to see myself as a success. To be a success. But I must work harder. Be better. The object, though,  is to redirect  thinking AWAY from men and put my brain to better use. 

The addictive nature of what drives me to remain in love is essentially MASKING something far more sinister: an inability to stand on my own and be, in my eyes, a success. My goal is to overcome this. My goal is to not only recognize the 500-pound elephant in the room, but to ask him firmly and kindly to leave. 

Something in me shut off. I am filled with either anger and hate for S or apathy for G. I want both men out of my life. I’m done. I have been crushed enough. I have been hurt enough. I feel like I’ve been a sucker and a fool. I feel shame. And I lack dignity. 

With S dumping my stuff off the other night and then the exchange with G the other day regarding sex (he turned me down. I don’t EVEN know why I asked!), I finally feel as though I hit the lowest point ever. And I simply want to be left alone. 

When G called yesterday, I ignored it. But then he kept calling back so like the sucker I am I talked to him. He apologized and said, I do love you. I was just having a bad day. So, I accepted his apology and asked if he wouldn’t mind building a fire for me and the kids. He did. But I couldn’t wait for him to leave. Every time I looked at him I was angry that he was not S. 

Once he left, I was angry at S that he left me. 

I thought of this guy I’ve been flirting with at work. More disgust. I’m at the point of complete DEFEAT. 

Now it’s a matter of survival. Rebuilding from the bottom up.

Why do we make our WHOLE lives center around these seemingly minute happenings? Why can’t we stay focused in recovery and simply abandon the ridiculousness of these men with whom we are addicted? Is this the disease? And does recovery from this, imply that we refrain completely from obsessing over men? Talking about them? Thinking about them? Until I figure it all out, I am closing my doors and thinking ONLY of the basics: food, water, shelter, er…Love…doh!

Y si alguno de los y las fans de Hyde no lo sabian . . . Hyde, formo una nueva banda llamada VAMPS. Que ha tenido muy buena aceptación en Japón. Pero que se ha posicionado con un mote muy particular, los medios la llaman de una manera muy simple . . . LA NUEVA BANDA DE HYDE. Creo que esto es un poco negativo ya que no se toman encuenta a los demas miembros pero bueno, ustedes decidan, ahora les dejo “Love Addict” . . . Hyde Addict.

Momo

Crazy week for me.  So how about a crazy song?  One of my personal favorites:

Luv Addict by Family Force 5

Hold up wait a minute put a little love in it!

Doctor doctor ive got an emergency
It seems im head ovr my heels a case of L-O-V-E
It’s like I’m glowin inside get up a light I cant hide
And if this feelin is bad then I dont wanna be right
What I’ve got in my soul gives me the highest delight
And yeah its better than drugs
In fact it’s sent from above
HUH HUH
Hold up wait a minute put a little love in it!

Chorus:
HEY! Can’t kick the habit
Yeah, I got to have it
Yea, I’m what they call a LOVE ADDICT LOVE ADDICT!!!
HEY!!! Can’t live without it
Yeah, gonna shout about it
HEY!!, I’m a symptomatic LOVE ADDICT! LOVE ADDICT! 

Need a refill cause I just cant get enough
I’ve got a fever oh yay-uh
And the perscription’s love
So lay the truth down on me cause that is all that I need
HUH HUH
Hold up wait a minute put a little love in it! 

HEY, can’t kick the habit
Yeah, I got to have it
Yeah, I’m what they call a love addict love addict!
HEY!! Can’t live without it
Yeah, gonna shout about it
HEY!! I’m a syptomatic love addict! Love addict! 

I’m blessed, I must confess, my heart is pounding in my chest
‘Cause this love’s the best
I’m just a love addict!
Comin’ down with somethin’ outrageous, look out now cause it’s so contageous
This feelin’s got me reelin’ 
So amped up I’m gonna hit the ceilin’
Gotta clear my throat
Huh huh, now I gotta have some more
Hold up wait a minute put a little love in it!
Chorus

I had to think on this one all night. Unlike the alcoholic or the drug user whose abstinence from his addictive behaviors lies in putting down the bottle or not taking the hit, a love addict’s abstinence from his or her addictive behavior is not clear. It is SELF-DEFINED. However, I realize now that one must abstain from that behavior for which he is trying to ESCAPE. Just like the alcoholic who tries to escape his reality by drinking, so too does the love addict try to escape her reality of pain by any number of things (like jumping into another relationship, or calling a PoA who does not want to be called etc.)

When i first read this question I thought, “how can you abstain from love?” But that is NOT what a love addict needs to abstain from. Her (my!) addictive behavior has little or nothing to do with real love, but rather, trying to escape pain. So…all that being said, abstinence (from my own addictive behaviours, as identified by me) IS the most important thing in my life, WITHOUT exception. Not because I am doing the steps, not because I am sick of repeating patterns or because i am in recovery. But because my life depends on it. Because, if I want to feel and BE better, it is the only way.

The last part in our interview with Family Force 5 on 10/19/08

Part two of our interview with Family Force 5 featuring our segment ‘Down and Dirty with Family Force 5′