När det här inlägget publiceras kommer jag (hoppas jag…) inte sitta framför en dator. Nej, jag kommer vara på ett hotell i Upplands-Väsby och diskutera hur vi vill att regelverket för agilitysporten ska förändras, om vi vill att det ska förändras. Men det är klart vi vill, förändring driver sporten framåt!

Varför, tänker ni nu, gör hon så här? En enkel anledning; för att jag kan. Punkt. There’s no more to it.

“If you got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites”

Och en favorit, med underbara big-pig. Lägg märke till starten; shit vad länge han stannade kvar! Jag är otroligt dålig på konsekvens, det är ju helt uppenbart… Syns inte på filmen, men aj, love does bite…

I’ve contemplated several days about this, deciding whether or not I wanted to write about this or not. But, seeing how people keep asking my opinion on it all, I think I should do this and I’ll let you allfigure out what you think.

Last week, MTV sent me a press release about 2 new shows they are planning on showing later tonight, one called “Love Bites” and “New Moon Revealed.” Here are the descriptions they sent to me:

“Love Bites” gets up close and personal chronicling the budding rumored romance between Pattinson and Stewart from its early stages through present day. MTV digs into the archives to give viewers a look at their first, very intimate audition on a casting couch and their first interview, where the two candidly talk about nights spent together. Hitting the streets of Vancouver and Portland where the films were shot, viewers will find out what goes on when the cast has down time and what local bars, restaurants and locations they frequent, as well as hear from people who see them when they are off camera. From rumors of an engagement, to nasty break-ups and even nights with other celebrities, the love life obsession with the cast is at an all-time high, so when it comes to “Twilight,” love certainly bites.

In “New Moon Revealed” MTV News will continue to provide fans with unrivaled access to the “Twilight” saga. Hosted by Kim Stolz, this 30-minute special will be anchored from “New Moon” mall events in Los Angeles and Chicago, and will prominently feature the die-hard fans of the series as they gather to get close to the actors they’ve worshipped from afar. In the show, MTV News will countdown the five hottest, most burning questions fans of the “Twilight” series want answered — from exploring how stardom has changed Robert Pattinson, to finding out whether Kristen Stewart is on Team Edward or Team Jacob, to telling the behind-the-scenes story of how Taylor Lautner almost lost the role of Jacob, MTV News has all the answers.

So, I really have no issue with the latter of the two, other then I am getting a bit burned out on all the New Moon and I probably won’t be watching it. Friday is coming up fast and furious so I don’t need all this piblicity now to hold me over. We are almost there! ::happy dance::

But this whole “Love Bites” thing is kind of rubbing me the wrong way. After I read the description, I felt a bit sick about it all.

Here is thing, whether or not Rob and Kristen are in a relationship is kind of a moot point to me. If they are, great. If they aren’t, great. Whatever it is, they have both pretty much stated that it is not something they want out in the public. I don’t blame them. It’s nice to have ONE thing that is solely yours, something that you know that no one else knows. But it seems like MTV was waiting in the wings with this show and as soon as they saw something that appeared to be a “public outing” of Robsten (which to me, a super duper zoom lens papz photo is not “public”), they threw out this show about their relationship, really focusing on the “romance” part.

Not cool MTV. What do you not get about keeping it private? Keeping whatever is or isn’t going on between them private is obviously important to them, so why can’t you respect that.

The audition tape is something Rob doesn’t seem proud of, so I’m kind of luke warm about that because it is property of Summit, most likely. I watched the How to Be ones, but they were officially released as extras on the DVD, so at least Rob had to give some kind of okay to use them. But the ones for Twilight? I don’t know about that.

And showing all the areas the cast like to hang out yet seems off. So, rumor is Breaking Dawn will be filmed in Portland, and you are going to give away every hang out in Portland? Sucks for Rob and Kristen if they have to go back there.

It just seems like MTV is trying to add more fuel to the fire, which is not necessary. There are plenty of other “lesser” news outlets doing a great job at that. Seems very OK! Magazine to me, if I am being honest.

So here is the thing MTV… How about you get out of the gossip industry and do what you used to do? Play music! I just don’t understand what happened. I miss the days of music videos, hearing new stuff and news on musicians.

I guess I don’t get it. Maybe I am totally overreacting to this, but I’m not feeling this show. What do you all think? Will you be watching this tonight?

Hello, boys (maybe? LOL) and girls:

So, it’s Saturday and I’m bored, so what am I doing?  Besides drooling over all the new Rob pics from the different events this past week LOL? Doing a little researchy-pooh for you all.

Apparently, on Monday night over at MTV, there are going to be two specials regarding the love and romance of Twilight via “Love Bites” & another feature called “New Moon Revealed” which I’m sure will show a few clips and give us a little insight to the movie.  I’m just guessing here, there’s only so much they’ll tell us anyways, right?

On Monday, November 16, at 10 p.m. ET/PT, MTV will air “Love Bites,” an exclusive half-hour special examining the lives, love and literature fueling Hollywood’s current obsession with “Twilight” stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Utilizing new interviews, never-before-seen footage and the vast library we’ve accumulated over the last few years of being the fans’ top “Twilight” news resource, we’ll show you the couple affectionately known as “RPattz” and “KStew” like you’ve never seen them before.

In “New Moon Revealed,” MTV News will provide fans with unrivaled access to the “Twilight Saga,” courtesy of a 30-minute special anchored from “New Moon” mall events in Los Angeles and Chicago. The show will prominently feature die-hard fans of the series as they clamor to get a glimpse of the actors they’ve worshipped from afar. In the show, MTV News will count down the five hottest, most burning questions fans of the “Twilight” series want answered — from exploring how stardom has changed Robert Pattinson, to finding out whether Kristen Stewart is on Team Edward or Team Jacob, to telling the behind-the-scenes tale of how Taylor Lautner almost lost the role of Jacob.

In case that isn’t enough of an Edward and Bella blowout, we’ll be following that show with “New Moon Revealed” at 10:30 p.m. ET/PT. Hosted by our own Twi-Hard reporter Kim Stolz, the show will explore the “Twilight” phenomenon while answering the fans’ most burning questions from the serious to the sublime to the just plain silly.

“Love Bites” will get up close and personal, chronicling the relationship between Pattinson and Stewart from its early stages through their present-day reign as purveyors of Hollywood’s top romance. MTV will dig into the archives to hear from director Catherine Hardwicke, about the pair’s first, very intimate audition, as well as early interviews on the “Twilight” set where the duo spoke candidly about building their chemistry. Hitting the streets of Vancouver and Portland, where the films were shot, viewers will find out what goes on when the cast has downtime and what local bars, restaurants and locations they frequent — as well as hear from the people who see them when they are off-camera.

 

Hmm.. what was that?  Oh, sorry, I forgot what we were talking about.  That last picture killed me.  I.Am.Died.

Oh, yes, the shows… I have heard mixed reviews on some people actually boycotting watching BOTH of these shows and it made me want to find out more about them.  Why are people so insistent in not watching?  I think people are most upset because they are rumored to be showing Rob and Kristen’s audition tape.  That seems a little personal to me, so I can understand that– you know why people would be upset.  I don’t think MTV is the platform for it, sorry.  I think it would have been better suited on, oh, I don’t know– maybe the 3-disc Twilight DVD that I own? LOL

And while we’re on the conversation of boycotts and all?  Honestly, kids, I can think of better things to boycott– like that Rob DVD that’s coming out soon?  Ugh.  You know the one I’m talking about.  It’s the one that ripped of all the fansites and bloggers, stealing their graphics and blog posts, etc.  I’m not even going to mention the name or give a link cause I hope they make very little money.  Yes, I know that’s harsh.  But how would you like it you worked really hard on something  just for fun and had it stolen out from under you and not rewarded or credited for your time? Yep, it’s exactly like that.  I know there’s still some people out there who haven’t been properly educated on the shenanigans that went on with all of that, and they’ll go out and buy it because they’re RobFans and all.  But, let’s face it, if you’re a true RobFan, then you know the truth and you wouldn’t buy this DVD.  If that’s you, then congratulations, I hope you like it, you just bought stolen goods.  Ouch, hurts, doesn’t it?  Sorry, but it’s the truth.

What else can I say?  Running a blog is a lot of hard work.  It’s not as easy as it seems at time.  Especially if you create stuff and take your time to bring stuff to your readers.

I, by no means, am trying to toot my own horn, seek approval or praise or anything like that.  Please understand when I say that half the time I am completely sarcastic about the things I say, but this time, I’m serious.   I’m just saying I personally can understand and definitely appreciate the hard work that goes into it.   The sites that were stolen from a million of light-years away from what this site could even dream of, so I know they work really hard to get where they are today.  *STEPS OFF SOAPBOX*

So, anyways LOL, if you would like to check out those shows, they’ll be on Monday, November 16th.  Check your local listings!

So, I ask you:  Will you be watching these two shows on Monday night?  Why or why not?

Source.

I wonder if I am that transparent, if every man who sees me – including my 14 yr old son – can tell right away that I’m ‘used to disappointment’ as the teen so very aptly put it. Is there something on my forehead that shouts to the testosterone coursing through the male body that this girl is a sponge and is used to abuse? Does it invite them to walk on me and take advantage? If so, can someone please take it offline? It’s messing up my life a little.

I have been dating since I was 13 and still feel, 18 (eek!) years later as though I’m missing the big picture. I try so hard (too hard?) to please the men I date but never can quite get a handle on it. Sometimes I think about just giving 50% all the time. When we go all-out all the time, 110% becomes the norm, and people begin to expect it.  The joy of 50% for me is that I am still very good at half power and maybe doling out special 100% treats will help keep others happy while allowing me to maintain some semblance of self.

It has been a very long time (if ever) since I was in a relationship where someone was concerned with satisfying me. Maybe it goes back to the sign on my forehead, but I seem to attract men who can’t or won’t be emotionally available. I then proceed to cut myself open and bleed all my love and hope into ‘US’ only to find out he still is just concerned with ‘ME’ and ‘US’ is the smallest speck of thought in the dust storm of his mind.

When we overachievers do give our all, we inevitably get burnt out and others around us have a hard time accepting that we are mere humans and need to get something back to compensate for all that we are giving out. The more we do for people the more they expect and it becomes something of an internal struggle – do I keep satisfying you? Or start satisfying me?

Because of boredom, I surfed the net to kill time. But it came to a point that checking facebook doesn’t matter anymore. I am tired of my internet addiction.

So, I watched FIREPROOF.

It’s a movie creatively shot for couples who’s on the brink of divorce.  Caleb is a a hero, a fireman and he’s out there to save lives but he cannot save his own marriage. Catherine, his wife, is tired of feeling humiliated with all their arguments that they both decided to have a divorce.

Wanted to save his marriage (well, not directly), he asked for advice from his father, which in turn, dared him for a challenge: THE LOVE DARE CHALLENGE. Each day, he’ll follow the book one at a time so he can eventually save his marriage from downfall.

Before halfway of the 40-day challenge, he almost wanted to quit. Catherine is not believing him for all his efforts. Until he realized that he cannot give love unless he has fully received it. So he accepted Jesus Christ.

The days passed and he learned to treat Catherine the way she deserved to be. He learned to trust and wait on God’s answers. And while waiting, he just served the Lord by doing what he is meant to be: a fireman.

Eventually, 40 days have passed and still, he don’t have answers to his prayers. But on the 43rd day, his answer came. He had a chance to say sorry to Catherine and tell her that he can’t live without him. However, Catherine needed time to think.

It didn’t take long for her to realize that Caleb has truly changed because of Jesus Christ. Upon knowing that it is Caleb who bought the equipment for her parents and paid for everything, she didn’t have second thoughts. She went to the fire station and surprised Caleb –  to tell her she has forgiven him and she wanted to grow old with him.

They married again — this time, they vowed to be with each other for better of for worse, till death do us part. That they are to love each other completely and unconditionally.

The last part gives the whole idea of being a Christian in the married phase: Caleb realized that the love dare challenge is actually an idea of his mother to his father. That even though the partner is always rejected, always wanted to leave, the other half is to love unconditionally and through that gesture, Caleb’s father came to know Christ; was influenced by God’s love and that he passes it on to the next generation. Love dare is a challenging process in saving relationships, but most importantly, love dare is a challenging process of learning to love and trust GOD under all circumstances.

After watching this movie, I am more than encouraged of God’s love and faithfulness. Hat’s off to Him!!!

Buzzcocks Interview– for Tommagazine.com

Pete Shelley Interview
By Nolan Giles

The Buzzcocks are punk royalty, emerging from the hiss and spit of the chaotic late-seventies slump, their songs ignited the youth of a nation. 30 years down the track, as the world slips into economic uncertainty once more, the Buzzcocks are still alive, kicking down doors and causing mayhem on their world tour. Lead singer, Pete Shelley believes the rebellious fire that burned so brightly in their heyday, isn’t quite so apparent in the music of today.

“I don’t ever turn on MTV, even when I’m in a hotel, I’d rather watch the foreign language channels than watch the shite they play on there,” he jokes.

“I mean my wife was playing an Interpol CD the other day and a couple of songs were alright… Just alright though, I wouldn’t give them too much encouragement!”

Shelley laughs down the phone line with the excitement of a musician enjoying the success of a debut album. You wouldn’t think this was a man who stood at the forefront of a movement that changed the landscape of music, so dramatically, so long ago.

Formed in 1975 The Buzzcocks were the first of Manchester’s legendary musical exports. They breathed ingenuity into punk music with their catchy melodies, driving, clean guitar sound and biting lyrics. Shelley’s words, which went against the political trend set by the Sex Pistols, were a satirical commentary on adolescence, love and the shitty human condition.

“It was something to inspire, instead of complaining about things you could go off and do it yourself,” he explains.

“Punk changed stuff so much it is hard to think of what the world would be like if it didn’t happen. It didn’t just effect music, the mentality can be seen on the fringes of art and design, it’s about making the culture richer, and every time that happens it should be applauded. At the time it was about writers, photographers and designers as well, we were extremely lucky to have a great designer in Malcolm Garrett. Our album covers were the kind of covers Franz Ferdinand wish they could do today!”

Although he enjoys taking the piss out of modern music, Shelley does see parallels in the DIY online ethos of bands today, and that of the punk mentality, but he believes it still takes something extra special for a band to succeed.

“Even though it’s possible for people to do things for themselves, unless you can attract people with what your doing it’s not going to connect,” he says.

“The hard thing is to get the message of what your doing across to everyone, and it must be very frustrating for a lot of new bands because of that. The internet allows you to get feedback, and get out your message, but the trick is to do it without becoming spam!”

In 1975, the internet was a thought as far away as the idea of America electing a black President. The Buzzcocks had to gain their popularity through a certain radio DJ, going by the name of John Peel.

“We were lucky because we had John who would play all our singles on the radio, meaning that people would hear about us,” he chuckles.

“We just popped records in the post and I think he was listening to absolutely everything because he was frightened of missing something. So all these bands were sending him cassettes, he must have had this huge pile of them but he listened to every single one, just in case he missed a really good track.”

John Peel is now regarded with the same amount of musical respect as the Buzzcocks, the musical interconnection that was apparent at that time in Britain is like nothing seen since. An example of this occurred in Manchester’s Free Trade Hall in 1975, where the Sex Pistols played a historic gig.

“Well it was exciting because we were putting on a concert, and our friends the Sex Pistols were coming up to play it. It was a bit disappointing because we didn’t have a bassist or drummer so we couldn’t play. I did meet Steve Diggle (Buzzcocks guitarist) that night though, Malcolm McLaren (Pistols manager) met Steve outside and said ‘are you a bass player?’ Steve said ‘yeah’ and so he brought him over. I was selling tickets at the box office at Malcolm came over and simply said, ‘here’s your new bass player!’”

It wasn’t just Steve Diggle that attended the gig that night, although the numbers were pretty small.

“Because I was on the door I must have seen everyone that was there, I think it has been counted as 42 to 43 people, but it is what those people came to do that became the stuff of legends.”

‘Stuff of legends’, is really an under-sight, among those 42 people in attendance was Morrisey, who went on to form the Smiths, Tony Wilson the founder of Factory Records, Mark E. Smith, lead singer of The Fall as well as the nucleus of people who went on to create Joy Division and then New Order.

The late Ian Curtis, Joy Division’s lead singer and a modern day cult figure, was a close friend of Shelley’s. Although he respects the man, Shelley reckons the reason for the recent resurgence in Joy Division’s popularity is down to one thing.

“It’s because they have had all the bloody films made about them!” he laughs.

“Ian’s just a normal guy really, he didn’t really stand out, I must have had many conversations with him, but I can’t really recollect one of them.”

The influence of the Buzzcocks’ music can be heard from the grit of Nirvana to the wit of Jamie T, and may be the reason why their music still sounds as fresh and raw today, as it did in the seventies.

“I don’t know why the Buzzcocks sound hasn’t dated after all these years, because its quite simple really, just two guitars a bass and drums, we just turn up the amps and let them distort a bit!” He jokes.

“To me it’s just a bit of punk and a bit of pop.”

This electrifying punk / pop combination is soaring into Brisbane next week as part of the can’t-be -missed, ‘Another… Bites’ Tour.

“It’s like it says on the tin, we’re just going to play the first two albums ‘Another Music in a Different Kitchen” and “Love Bites” back to back, exact track order, everything the same.” He explains.

“We did it in the UK earlier this year and it was received extremely well, a lot better than we ever thought it would. There were times when we had doubts but that is before we played it in front of an audience, and it all came together really well.  The songs take on new meanings sort of, you rediscover parts of them, its like your revisiting them and discovering something new. I mean some of those songs we haven’t played for many many years, and now we wonder why didn’t play them all the time!”

The tour rekindles fond memories for Shelley, of a time of discovery, when the band and the world were waking up to their audacious sound.

“Every song back then was a new experience you were always doing something new, different, lyrics and rhymes, we’d struggle through our guitar solos as well, but we’d always accomplish something,” he says.

“Each time then it was like opening the envelope.”

The tour is also a welcome break for Shelley of playing just this hits, although they do make for a pretty special encore.

“This is what the tour is showcasing, the fact that we did albums as well as singles. Things like ‘Ever Fallen in Love’, ‘Orgasm Addict,’ are always going to get the best reaction, the whole encore is choc-a-bloc with the hits so we get some good chants and sing-a-longs.”

The relentless 1978 work ethos, of releasing two albums and a single every two weeks has long since gone for Shelley. Now all that is necessary is to rock out the classics onstage to thousands of fans.

But there is one prolific aspect of being a Buzzcock that still remains…

“We’re partying just as hard as we used to, sometimes a lot harder! Although the hangovers are getting worse by the year, and closer together!”

Like the moon, I only shine because you shine on me.
– Zulee

Trisha Telep (ed.) – Love Bites: The Mammoth Book of Vampire Romance 2 (Robinson, 2009)

Cover design: JoeRoberts.co.uk

Jordan Summers – Paris After Dark
Deborah Cooke – Coven Of Mercy
Karen MacInerney – Cirque De La Nuit
Caitlin Kittredge – Perdition
Dina James – Deliver Us From Evil
Camille Bacon-Smith – Blood And Thyme
Rosemary Laurey – Into The Mists Forever
Patti O’Shea – Blood Feud
Angie Fox – Love Bites
Caitlin Kiernan – Flotsam
Jamie Leigh Hansen – The Murder King’s Woman
Carole Nelson Douglas Butterfly Kisses
Diane Whiteside – Crimson Kisses
Jaye Wells – Vampsploitation
Stacia Kane – Trust Me
Jennifer Ashley – The Scotsman And The Vamp
Justine Musk – I Need More You
Jennifer St. Giles – Point Of No Return
Dawn Cook [Kim Harrison] – With Friends Like These
Nancy Holder – Blood Gothic
Larissa Ione – Eternity Embraced
Jeanne Stein – The Ghost Of Leadville
Tiffany Trent – The Vampire, The Witch, And The Yenko
Ann Aguirre – Circle Unbroken
Devon Monk – Skein Of Sunlight

Blurb:
A wonderful variety of compellingly original vampire stories, many of them wholly unexpected, from award-winning, New York Times bestselling authors. There are typical vampires who would be right at home in a horror story or a gothic romance; historical vampires; contemporary, gritty, urban vampires; fang-in-cheek comedy; boy-meets-girl sweetheart stories (if a little bloodier!); and erotic tales of inhuman passions and midnight pleasures. Look out, too, for stand-alone stories relating to existing series and characters of contributing authors, or stories which develop more fully characters who have only walk-on parts in those authors’ longer fiction. Includes writing by big-name authors such as Jennifer Ashley, Kim Harrison writing as Dawn Cook, Caitlin Kittredge, Diane Whiteside and Eileen Wilks.

Much better cover! i’m almost certain it’s a Joe Roberts job – Mammoth Book Of Vampire Romance certainly was and he’s been responsible for many of the best Robinsons in recent years. Nancy Holder’s Blood Gothic first appeared in Stephen Jones’ Mammoth Book Of Vampires (Robinson, 1992) via Charles L. Grant’s Shadows 8.

En tryckare på ett mellanstadiedisco känns lämpligt

Saugerties is to Woodstock what Brooklyn is to Manhattan. Sort of. The tiny blue-collar Hudson Valley town is a two-hour drive from NYC, and a straight shot on the New York Thruway. It’s less purple than its neighboring town of Woodstock, and it doesn’t quite teem with weekenders and second-home owners. Yet. Being the less obvious choice means there’s cool factor—in a very low-key way. Plan to poke around Partition Street, which has a very good vegetarian café and second-hand furniture stores, then head out for a country drive to Opus 20, yoga in a yurt, and in search of charming general stores and farm stands. And guess what, you’ll have a dose of the Hudson River, crisp Catskills air, and fall foliage here, too.

Opus 40

ART
Like Storm King? You’ll love Opus 40, a bluestone environmental sculpture (and monument to single-handed artistry) that took Henry Fite 40 years to quarry and complete. It’s open Friday-Sunday from 11:30-5 until Columbus Day ($10, www.opus40.org).

Kate's Lazy Meadow

LODGING
Saugerties has great little places to stay if you know where to look, and most start at $125 per night: The Inn at Café Tamayo (89 Partition St., www.cafetamayo.com), right in town, has a few rooms with less frill and flounce than most area B&Bs. If you come with a crew, take over the five-room modern Villa at Saugerties (www.thevillaatsaugerties.com). In nearby Mt. Tremper, is Kate’s Lazy Meadow, with retro cabins and an Airstream trailer owned by Kate Pierson of the B52s (www.lazymeadow.com). One more worth a mention: Saugerties Lighthouse, an incredibly atmospheric place to stay, if you can land one of the two rooms. Sadly, it looks booked through December (www.saugertieslighthouse.com).

Love Bites Cafe

EATING
Love Bites (85 Partition Street, 845-246-1795) looks like a coffeehouse, but the vegetarian- and vegan-friendly menu makes it on par with the places pedaling healthy fare in Manhattan. Bonus: it’s also open for breakfast. Café Tamayo, in an 1864 landmark home, has a new American menu based on Hudson Valley produce. Mother Earth, in town, is natural grocery store, part of a local chainlet.

YOGA
It’s not hard to find places to practice—Shakti Yoga is right on Partition Street (www.shaktiyogawoodstock.com), but classes are few and far between. Jivamukti-trained Corrine Gervai founded Euphoria (99 Tinker St., in Woodstock, www.euphoriayoga.org), a 15-minute drive. Or even better, make the drive 30-minute drive south to Accord for Anusara classes at Anjali (www.anjalispace.com), where yoga is practiced in a yurt. Try to attend a class with Stacy or Wolfgang.

HUDSON VALLEY PRODUCE
Most of the orchards are on the other side of the river, but you’ll find lots of little farm stands and general stores selling apples, pumpkins, and jams on the country roads, and a Saugerties Farmer’s Market, every Saturday in October from 9–2. And if you visit on the weekend of Oct 17, the market is hosting Saugerties Apple Fest, meaning free samples of this year’s super-abundant crop (www.saugertiesfarmersmarket.com).

Did we forget something? Tell us about your favorite Saugerties spots, here!

What will you do? Give them everything they want? Bring them to any places they want to go to? What will it be for you when you love someone?

I just realized the extent of my actions when it comes to falling in love. Nahulog talaga ako in real sense. Kaso, tulad nga ng sabi ko, siya ang unang nagsawa kaya siya ang nang-iwan. Hindi pa daw niya kilala ang sarili niya. Gusto ko siyang maging masaya kaya wala akong nagawa.

I accidentally opened his account and saw his pictures with his friends and his new girlfriend. “Yung ipinalit niya sa akin.”

Nasaktan ako, sobrang sakit talaga. Hindi ko na nga namalayan na lumuluha na ako. Minsan, pag nagbabasa ako tapos sasabihin ng author na lumuluha na kaagad sila nang hindi nila namamalayan habang inaalala ang nakaraan, hindi ako naniniwala. OWS. Paano naman kaya un na hindi mo mapansin na lumuha ka na pala?

Well, nung makita ko yung pictures ng ex ko at ng girlfriend niya ngayon, lumuha ako. Masaya na silang magkasama. Nakakita na ang ex ko ng bestfriend na kahit kailan ay hindi niya itinuring sa akin. Masakit para sa akin. Pero masaya ako. Kung saan siya masaya, dun ako. Ganun naman yata talaga.

Dati, iniisip ko pa na baka balang araw, magkatuluyan pa kami. Kaso, nabuntis na niya yung girlfriend niya. Masaya naman sila eh. Kilala ko siya, matagal na niya gustong magkaroon ng sariling pamilya. Ako naman, bata pa noon, nag-aaral pa, gusto ko pa munang abutin ang mga pangarap.Kaya hayun, hindi naging kami. Ganoon yata talaga.

Siguro ganun talaga. When you love someone, you’ll do anything for him/her. Sa case ko, alam kong wala nang pag-asa kaya hanggang wish you well na lang ako. ‘Pag mahal mo talaga ang isang tao, handa kang gawin ang lahat, kahit na ang kapalit noon ay ang masaktan ka, maging masaya lang siya. Siguro, way na rin ni BRO na mangyari iyon. ‘Ika nga, Everything happens for a PURPOSE. (Ano kayang purpose iyon? I’m yet to know)

Kung mabasa man niya ito, well, wish you happiness with your new family. I love you. And goodbye. (ang drama?) Haha. Tama na nga ito. Enjoy life na lang para masaya 

Love bite is usually a sign, either of affection or possession.

Two couples strolling down the street. The man with the hand in her hand. The hands that make me question if they are the same hands that fashioned the magnet. I follow slowly behind them. The couple comes to a slow stroll. They gaze into each others eyes. No speech needs to be spoke; I think this must be love. I move silently: watching, admiring, and discerning their attraction. In a flash of an eye, his lips are on hers, they remain that way for what seems like eternity. He slowly lets her go. She slowly moves back to him. Both start to caress. I blush and think that I have invaded on their world. I can hear my friend’s definition of a voyeur but….this one is different. I’m perplexed by the magnetic force that won’t let me move. It must be the same force that brings the couple to each other. He bites her neck, she bites his. I decide that they are marking each other: You are mine and I am yours.

Here is to the discernment between affection and possesion,

Noon, hindi ko maisip na magmamahal pa ako ng ibang tao. Kahit na nagbreak kami ng ex ko, akala ko, siya pa rin ang mamahalin ko kahit na sobrang tagal na ang lumipas. Pero ngayon, hindi pala.

Noon, ayoko maging call center agent. Ang hindi ko inaasahan, nang malipat ako ng account ay maeenjoy ko na ang trabahong ito. Naging tech support ako at  internet service provider ang account na nalipatan ko [mahilig pa mandin ako sa computers at sa internet].  Isa pa, hindi ko inaakalang may makikilala ako na magpapakilig uli sa akin — hindi nga lang niya alam

Tama, crush ko siya.  Matalino kasi siya. Kahit ano, napag-uusapan namin. Sweet din sya, maalaga. Romantic pa. Kapag naging boyfriend mo siya, alam mong hindi ka niya pababayaan. Pero siyempre, hindi lang siya sa akin nagpapakita ng ganon. Pati sa ibang babae. Sa mga workmates ko. Nature na talaga niya iyon — ang tulungan at maging sweet sa mga babae. Kaya hindi na nakapagtatakang maraming may crush sa kanya.

Ang ibang babae, liberated. Pag gusto nila ang isang lalake, sige, go lang, aaminin nila sa buong mundo. Lalapit sila, makikipagkwentuhan, mamaya, nakakapit na sila sa taong gusto nila, parang tuko. Ayaw pakawalan. Parang sinasabi na, “Akin lang siya.” Ganyan ang ibang babaeng may crush sa kanya. Eh ako, eto, tinitingnan lang sila, nakatanaw, bumubuntong-hininga, humihiling na sana, ako, kaya ko ring gawin ‘yon.

Bakit nga ba hindi ko maamin? Na-trauma na siguro ako dati sa first boyfriend ko, ako kasi ang unang umamin. Ang nangyari, ako ang unang nagkagusto, siya ang unang nagsawa. Kaya ngayon, hanggang hiling na lang ako na sana, ako naman ang mapansin niya.

Masarap siyang kasama. Masarap kakwentuhan. Kaibigan ko nga siya eh. Kaso, isa rin sa mga kaibigan namin ang may gusto sa kanya. At alam NIYA iyon. Sabi pa nga niya, nahihiya siya sa kaibigan namin. Ayan tuloy, mas lalo akong natakot na aminin sa kanya. Pag inamin ko kasi, malamang, magkailangan din kami. Hindi na niya ako papansinin tulad ng ginagawa niya ngayong close kami. Kaso minsan, naiingit ako sa kaibigan namin, at least siya, may guts, matapang. Eh ako, eto, tahimik lang na humihiling ng himala. Ayoko pa naman na lalo akong maingit sa kaibigan namin, paano ba naman kase, minsan, kung sino ang alam ng mga lalake na nagkakagusto sa kanila, mas lalo yatang dun sila nagkakagusto.

Hay, buhay. Ang hirap pala pag ang status ko ay “bestfriend“. Pag nagkataon at tumagal itong pagkakaroon ko ng crush sa kanya, malamang, ang status ng lovelife ko, “it’s complicated“. Hay, mapapansin kaya niya ako? Ang hirap talaga. Pero nakakakilig, kasi at least, siya ang nagpapatawa sa ‘kin pag nalulungkot ako lalo na ‘pag nahihirapan ako at gusto ko nang sumuko.

As a person, I’m the type that I usually question everything that happens to me. I usually want to know why, how it happened and what will happen to me if I do this or do that. That’s why it’s very hard for me to trust. Very hard for me to wait and hold on.

Now that I’m experiencing hardships and disappointments, I want to give up. But I’ve come this far. There’s no turning back.

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Every time I hear a Christian song, I remember the days when I’ve been so faithful to God and every step I do, every decision I make, every work I finish, I trust God. Now, I admit, I rarely attend services because of my work schedule. But even though I am not attending church services, I have this burden to go back to where I used to be — that is, go back to God’s loving arms and just do what pleases Him.

But then, its not that easy. And it makes me think so hard. Makes me wish things. Makes me question life’s circumstances.

Yes. I admit, I’m at my lowest point of my life right now. I’m very honest (as what my mom always say about me especially when it comes to job interviews – but oh well, that’s a different story). I keep a diary and I write on it every now and then. When I’m happy, when I feel afraid, when I’m down, when I’m excited, and mostly, when I have so many questions about my life, about my situation and about myself, I write on my diary. I always address my diary to Tatay (Jesus) because since childhood, I’ve never experienced a life being comforted by a father. I didn’t have a father figure. My father lived with us — physically he’s there, but emotionally, he’s not — so when I had this close relationship with Him, I considered Him as my Tatay: my father and my best friend.

As my father, Jesus never failed to teach me a lesson. He loves me and every time I get “pasaway”, he’s teaching me lessons I will never forget. As my best friend, He never fails to tell me the truth: my flaws, my strengths, my weaknesses and my growth in our relationship together. He always encourage me through His word that’s why I’ve become completely honest to Him when it comes to my feelings, my disappointments, and my happy moments. Now, I’ve shared my feelings not because I want the world to know how disappointed about life I may be but because I want to expose God’s nature as I experience his love — a best friend who will accept us no matter who we are, what we’ve been in the past nor how we’re doing in the present. He wants complete honesty from us because He would understand. He wants us to trust Him because He knows better than us. He loves us more than anyone else.

It’s really hard for me to trust Him– now that I’ve been disappointed with the person I’ve been close to. But every time I feel alone, every time I feel I’m going to cry, every time I feel burdened by the world’s requirements, I look back to Jesus and imagine His bare body exposed in scorching sunlight, laid out in the open with arms wide and nails barred on his hands, straining out blood and sweat. I could imagine his sacrifice compared to what I experience with life’s problems, his eyes looking directly at me, telling me, “I’m doing this because I love you, no matter who you are and what you’ve done.”

That’s when I won’t give up. That’s when I continue on running. That’s when I keep on fighting. There’s so many temptations. So many disappointments. So many times I keep on falling down. But then, He gives me so many chances of standing up. So many chances of accepting His love. So many  trials to conquer. And He wants me to see the bright side of life. He wants me to see His unconditional love.

Hay. Even if I try to argue with Him or question Him, I can’t win. He’s so smart, so wise, so practical. Yup. Practical in a way I could easily use the lessons I’ve learned in my everyday life. I could easily apply it in my relationships, work ethics and principles. He’s so understanding and merciful that I cannot resist going back to Him. I guess I just missed Him so much. All this time I’ve been away from Him, all this time I divert my attention to any other things I’m interested in, He’s just there to stay with me. He’s just there to love me.

Hay. Jesus is one of a kind. I’ve got so many hard questions, He’s got so many simple answers. I guess I just missed Him too badly. I guess I need to go back to where I used to be (in His loving arms). I guess I need to go back and find my spiritual family. I guess some sayings are indeed true: “First Love Never Dies.“

****By the way, I just listened to Indios’ One Life (The Rough Mix) through their multiply site and their song inspired me to write this blog. Through writing I want to live for Him. Well, still, my love for writing never dies***