The moniker of misunderstoodsunshinekid sounds like some teenage bubblegum nickname that reeks of adolescence and youthfulness. And certainly not very appropriate for a man who turned 21 for the sixth time this year. There is, of course, a meaning behind this deliberate choice of words.

Coined towards the end of my time in Ngee Ann Polytechnic where I studied Mass Communication, it first appeared in the yearbook which was contributed by and distributed to every student in the cohort. The editorial team asked each of us for a photograph and three words that best described ourselves. Come to think of it, considering that I’ve not seen 90% of my school mates since we graduated, these three words would actually go a long way in helping us remember each other.

It was really amusing to see some of the entries. The more commonly used words were “Bubbly”, “Friendly”, “Outgoing”, “Sociable”, “Funny”, etcetera – basically words that were safe, correct and well, forgettable. There were some that went out of the box with “Nobody Knows Me”, “Damned I’m Good”, “Ahh Whatever Lah” and “I Am Indescribable”. But the one that tickled me most was “Humourous, Cheerful, Easygoing” and attached with the words was a really fierce, unfriendly and serious picture. Nice.

Without going into too much detail, here’s why I chose “Misunderstood Sunshine Kid”:

Misunderstood
Half my life I’ve been misunderstood for my intentions, choice of words and actions. I’d like to believe that it’s always been love-hate with me; people don’t really have a neutral feeling towards me. They either like me or dislike me. And because of this I almost always end up leaving either a great or a horrible first impression. As I age, I’ve learnt to deal with it by simply not bothering about it; I cannot please everyone, so I’ve learnt to stop having to justify or explain what I say or do. I’ve embraced this as a part of me and the only approval I seek would be that of God’s. I’ve learnt to take myself less seriously and not be so uptight about what people say or think about me. Yeah, I know this sounds very teenage/emo/angst, but hey, this term was coined when I was a 19-year-old teenager.

Sunshine
I’ve always been a positive and optimistic person and I think that it rubs off on the people that I interact with, especially with those in my sphere of influence. I’d like to I exude a “You can do it” vibe. On a side note, my heart goes out to pessimistic and negative people, but how they live their lives is their problem, not mine. I desire to be contented and always joyful. Another ethos which I live by is, “I could always be happier but I am situationally contented”. That was a phrase I coined together with PL some years ago. To an extent this word contradicts the former, but both somehow capture a key essence of my personality and character.

Kid
I’m always up to some mischief and I’ve always enjoyed being cheeky and naughty. There is a difference between being childish and childlike. I never want to lose the sense of wonder that children have. I always want to retain the kid in me, for the kid that I will have in future. I am confident that I will be a father with the “sparkle” in his eye. You know, kids are actually very sensitive and can detect sincerity from hypocrisy. I enjoy playing with kids and I think they (know it and) enjoy it too because they see it in my eyes – that I really want to play with them and I’m not afraid of embarrassing myself. I’ve always dreamt about being the father that my father never was to me. And for that to happen, I’ll always have that boyish playfulness hidden behind a now older and wiser head.

Each word could be an entry in itself so I’ll just leave it like that until I decide to elaborate further.

i LOVE fresh baked chocolate chip cookies.

i HATE when you hack into a government super-computer to create an unwaveringly loyal and sexy girlfriend to increase your popularity at high school and impress two hot classmates, who helps you throw a raging party, but the party turns into a disaster which is invaded by a mutant biker gang and the house is trashed and becomes a launch pad for an intercontinental ballistic missile and your older brother tries to blackmail you for the whole thing before he’s turned into a giant toad.

Napakahirap pagmahal kapag hinde naman kayo nagkakaintindihan.

Gusto ko na mag-giveup sa frustration dahil hinde ko alam kung anu ang hinihinge niya. Handa ko ibigay ang lahat upang siya’y lumigaya pero minsan talagang labo-labo na. Sabi ko nga dapat lng natin ayusin ang communication pero ayun lalo ata nagalit sakin.

Anu ba naman yan.

Kailangan ko pa tuloy bumili ng Fancy Feast Salmon Flavour o kaya naman ay Whiskas Ocean Fish Flavour bisquit para lamang mapansin muli.

Kapag nakakain na siya ay back to normal na ulet ang lahat. Hinde na siya bad trip at kung talagang nasarapan siya ay magooffer pa siya ng isang munting masahe sa aking likod.

Ngunit dahil napakatalas ng mga kuko niya ay torture instead of pleasure ang nararamdaman ko. Kapag pumalag naman ako ay bigla pang magagalit. Wala daw akong utang na loob at magtatampo muli.

Hinde ko alam kung makakatagal pa ako sa love-hate relationship na toh. Ngunit tuwing nakikita ko na nagpapacute siya sakin lahat ng kalokohang ginawa niya at biglang mawawala.

Haaaaaay

Hirap talagang maging pet owner.

Ob das noch lange geht? An wem liegt das? Bin ich so unfähig? Ich weiß es nicht..

Gestern unterhielten wir uns noch darüber. Das es doch schon viel besser laufen würde, und wir nur etwas mehr aufeinander acht geben sollten. Von wegen, das hat sich heute gezeigt. Und so entwickelte sich aus einer harmlosen Neckerei mal wieder ein Streit.

Ich war so wütend. Nein, ich bin immernoch wütend. Sie wahrscheinlich auch. Ich hab mich dann von ihr verabschiedet, mit der Ausrede ich müsste etwas schlafen. Jetzt sitz ich hier alleine, höre Citizen Cope und komme mir total scheiße vor.

Heute abend wollen wir etwas tanzen gehn, in meiner Studienstadt, sie wird bei mir schlafen. Ich hoffe es artet nicht wieder aus, bin es Leid.

Ich bin nicht sicher was diese Wut in mir auslöst. Seit ich Sie kenne, kommt die Wut vermehrt zum Vorschein. Manchmal reicht ein einziges Kommentar von ihr und ich koche innerlich. Irgendein banaler scheiß, der mich total aufregt, aber in dem Moment auch sehr verletzt.

Dann reicht meist ein kleiner Zündfunke und ich verletze sie mit irgendwelchen Anschuldigungen, die ich ihr dann reihenweise an den Kopf werfe.

Meist bereue ich diese Scheiße noch während dem Ausbruch, wenn ich in ihr hilfloses Gesicht sehe. Aber eigentlich war es doch sie, die mich verletzt hat, oder? Den Grund weiß ich schon nicht mehr, warte dennoch auf eine Entschuldigung, bis ich einsehe, dass keine kommen wird, weil ICH es übertrieben habe. Was hatte sie gleich gesagt? Scheiße! Du musst dich bei ihr entschuldigen!

Dann blockt sie ab.

Was sind wir doch für sture Kreaturen. Vielleicht tun wir uns gegenseitig nicht gut, dabei liebe ich sie aus ganzem Herzen. Sie mich doch auch. Scheiße!

Sind Wutausbrüche eigentlich vererbbar?! Ich kann mich wage erinnern, dass mein Vater oft ähnlich drauf war. Aus scheinbar unerfindlichen Gründen für außenstehende, ließ ich schon als Kind oft meinen ganzen Frust an außenstehenden aus. Leider sind das oft genau die Menschen, die mir doch am meisten am Herzen liegen..

Vielleicht genau aus diesem Grund nahm ich nach dem zweiten Umzug und dem damit verbundenen Schulwechsel eine leichte Außenseiterrolle ein. Damals fing das an. Ich hatte meine 2 guten Freunde die leider nicht davon verschont blieben. Dabei bin ich sonst immer hilfsbereit und nett und freundlich zu jedem und allen..

Jeder, der mich nur flüchtig kennt, weiß dass ich ein netter und zurückhaltender Mensch bin.

Bin ich vielleicht zu sensibel? Oder sind die anderen nicht sensibel genug? So eine Scheiße kann man das nicht abstellen?

Wie sagt man so schön? Für jede Gute Charaktereigenschaft hat man mit 2 schlechten bezahlt…

Starrz and Testme talk about the song Love Hate and about studio time, workin with each other, etc. I like this kind of stuff because, like it says in the video, you get to know the artists better. Big ups to Starrz! RealRap2 coming soon…

- iMegatron

By A.J. Washington

from mtv.com

At first listen, this guy sounds like a pre-pubescent young man, but as you continue to listen, you’ll hear language that you hope is that of a grown man. His lyrical content can be racy and vulgar, but just so darn catchy, that it’s hard not to sing along with him.

Terius “The Dream” Nash is in a class all his own. Melodic, edgy, and absolutely raw is what describes The Dream. In an era where successful male vocalists are a rarity, The Dream has managed to gain popularity doing the opposite of what everyone else does. With the exception of the cover and spread in Vibe magazine with his wife Christina Milian, you’ve probably never seen him shirtless; or worse, ferociously grinding air on the stage of a concert hall, as some of his counterparts have resorted to do.

He indeed lives up to the name he’s given himself– “Radio Killer;” The Dream’s been slaying the charts for nearly a decade with incredibly successful hits.  Nash produced Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” J. Holiday’s “Bed,” and other hits for Madonna, Britney Spears, Jamie Foxx and Mariah Carey.

In order to have a successful business, and entrepreneur must find his niche; and be good at it, this Atlanta, Georgia native has done just that. His niche is simple, but needed in today’s industry; the ability to be different.  The Dream heavily uses piano, hard base and an array of artificial sounds that makes his music sound like something from the future.

The Dream treats his albums like novels, each song a chapter, contributing to the climax and resolution of the story. On his second and most recent album, Love vs. Money, he meets a girl and falls in love on “Rocking That Thing” and “Walking on the Moon,” then becomes enraged after love turns on him in “Love vs. Money Part 1 and 2.” Later on in “Mr. Yeah,” it seems his one-time love has moved on, but he tells her, “you will always be my baby… you can always come back,” and ends the song with one question, “Can we f*ck now?”

He is clever, witty, honest and a musical genius- if you haven’t given him a chance, you’re missing out on the sweetest dream you’ve had in a long time.

from google images

ES HÖRT NICHT AUF WEH ZU TUN,

MAN GEWÖHNT SICH NUR AN DEN SCHMERZ,

EIN GEBROCHENES HERZ HEILT NICHT,

EINE VERLETZTE SEELE VERGISST NICHT…..

Like many gardeners, I have a love-hate relationship with nature. While I enjoy observing and just “being” in the garden, I struggle with my inclination to “fool with” Mother Nature and her animals. Our garden is filled with wild creatures. The open space beyond our deer-fence is a natural habitat for varmints, and the garden is an oasis they can’t resist.

The newest addition to our backyard family is a mother fox and her two (now nearly grown) kits. I welcome this single mother in hopes she will train her younguns to hunt pests. Mole and gopher parts strewn about are evidence of adolescent appetites. I watch as they climb into the birdbath to drink. Last week I found the carcass of a dove beneath the birdbath. Could this gentle bird have been the prey of those cute little foxettes while bathing? Not a pleasant thought.

Every summer we watch pairs of quail bring their day-old hatchlings to our garden. We count as the golf-ball sized jet propelled chicks decline in number from about 12 to two (if the parents have been diligent). Last year a red-shouldered hawk swooped down among a young family. The parents tried desperately to distract the attacker. I grabbed a broom and dashed into the yard yelling for the hawk to leave the premises. He picked up a baby quail and flew to a nearby branch and proceeded to tear the tiny chick to pieces. The parent quails dove for cover along with the rest of their brood. I couldn’t get the sight out of my mind for days.

This year the red-shouldered hawk has not made a repeat appearance. Perhaps the sight of this white-haired woman, broom in hand, running down the garden path toward him was more than he could endure. He’s probably still chuckling at the pathetic sight.

Every year herds of squirrels leave their natural environs to decimate our apple and pear trees. If we’re lucky we get about 50 pounds of fruit. I’m not complaining but it’s hard to watch as they climb the trees, take a bite out of a beautiful blushing apple, and drop it on the ground to try another. Opossums and raccoons raid the trees in darkness, so to my relief, am not forced to witness the nocturnal pillage.

This year I bought a new kind of birdseed for the feeders. The package stated that it was a special mix for “western birds”. It didn’t say that “western birds” meant mostly aggressive jays (both scrub and crested), crows, and woodpeckers that bully the smaller varieties of sparrows, juncos and finch. The backyard brawlers empty the feeders, scattering it on the ground as they pick out succulent sunflower seeds. Their frenetic behavior creates chaos in my otherwise peaceful garden.

I keep a few chickens in a quaint little coop. I use the droppings for fertilizer and enjoy the fresh eggs each morning. I would like to let them loose on occasion to dine on earwigs and sow bugs. Then I remind myself that raccoons break into pens to eat succulent white meat, and foxes dig holes under fences to enjoy a good poultry feast. Mother Nature is a fearsome thing.

ich bin wirklich ein schlechter Mensch…

ich hatte es fast geschafft jemand von mir los zu bekommen und dann das..

“(…)ich brauch dich in meinem leben(…).aber ich bin lieber unglücklich in dich verliebt als dich gar nicht mehr zu sehen.(…)”

gut vielleicht bin ich auch etwas selber dran Schuld und hab bewusst einen auf schlechten Menschen getan mit der Aussage

“Ich kann nicht sagen, dass es mir egal ist.
Nein ich kann nicht sagen, dass du mir egal bist…
aber ich kann sagen, dass es mich nicht stört.”

aber ich kann nicht anders, wenn mir jemand nicht egal ist kann ich doch nicht so tun als wäre er mir egal.

…. kann mir mal jemand sagen wie ich mit jemand der mir nicht egal ist den ich aber auch nicht Liebe umgehen soll, wenn ich weis das er mich liebt und alles für mich tun würde… hiiiiilfeee

confesiune

cum îţi crapă zâmbetul pe faţă
ca o fereastră pe care o spargi cu ghearele
şi lumina se îmbăloşează, din văpaie a rămas doar scrum
chiar şi bezna s-a închistat ca un arici

păstrez icoana ta de prădător cabrat
triangulez semnalul tău, meduză doată cu laser
mă scanezi ca să mă dobori
cumshot-ul tău e mai pur, mireasă
m-ai transformat în abur
acum pot doar să aştept
şi limbul e numai bun să-mi zgâriu gâtul când mă spânzur

în vene doar calcar
în loc de graal acid
sunt însemnat ca o statuie
şi în cercul blestemat pot doar să încremenesc

e doar un zâmbet peste care a căzut urgia
două buze sudate, cimentate cu fugere
şobolanul analitic ţi-a dat să bei agheazmă
privesc de la fereastra alăturată în timp ce te sileşti să exorcizezi o fantomă

Restul poemelor aici.

Was ich doch für ein scheiss Wochenende hatte.

Erst labert man mich voll von wegen man ist verliebt usw und dann mach ich mir schon ein schlechtes Gewissen deswegen. Und dann kommt raus das alles nur im Suff gesagt wurde und ich mir umsonst Gedanken gemacht habe wie ich mit jemand umgehen soll der in mich verliebt ist ohne ihn zu verletzten… gott arschloch ohne witz…

und dann kommt meine ganze WE Planung ins wanken, weil mal wieder jeder was anderes zu tun hat und vergessen hat was geplant war usw.

und im grossen und ganzen bin ich das ganze WE Daheim gehockt und hab versucht Dinge für die SChule zu wiederholen und zu lernen. ich hab nicht mal in einem Fach mein Soll geschafft, nicht ein Bruchteil von dem was erledigt werden muss ist erledigt worden. aber auch nur weil der Tag nur 24 Stunden hat (

Nun muss ich eben das beste draus machen und schauen ob ich das unglück doch noch irgenwie abwenden kann..

Am Freitag war ich in Stuttgart von der Arbeit aus, also manchmal sind echt nur Idioten unterwegs auf der Strasse da überholt man einen LKW schon mit 140 und von hinten kommt einer und meint er muss drängeln und Lichthupe geben -.- nur assis. Da war der Freitag dann auch schon gelaufen um kurz nach 5 daheim gewesen, obwohl Freitag eigentlich um 3 rum schon Daheim bin^^ wenigstens habe ich es noch pünktlich zum arzt geschafft.

Der mir aber auch nichts neues erzählt hat als der Arzt am Mittwoch… mal sehen ob meine Schmerzen von alleine wieder weg gehen oder ich wirklich noch mehr Tabletten schlucken muss.

So jetzt starte ich dann mal mit positiver Einstellung in die neue Woche und hoffe das ich am Ende nicht Negativ enden werde.

I have to be honest. I have a love-hate relationship with technology. 

I grew up in a computer-savvy family before computers were common in homes.  In fact, at one time, we had about 16 computers in our home for my dad to teach others how to use them.  Up through version 11, someone in our family owned every single version of WordPerfect since 4.3. I’m pretty sure we’ve owned at least one of every generation of Intel processor, from 8088/8086 to present. I’m self-taught in almost every software package I know.

I’ve always been a little bit of of momma’s boy . . . but the advent of email in college actually brought my mom and I even closer together, as we could communicate more regularly despite my crazy college-life schedule.  I communicated with her via email so much I once forgot to call her for over two months.  AIM and other technology interactions only compounded things.

I’ve had my own web site since the mid-90’s.  I had a stint as a DMOZ editor. I could go on . . .

Yes, I love technology.  But I also hate technology.

Blogging, Facebook, Twitter, Text Messaging, and several other forms of technological interaction are a major part of our culture today.  I know several people who practically live attached to these media outlets.  At times, I spend considerable time on them, too.  But I don’t always understand why.

When I have something to do, I don’t think about these interactions nearly as much, unless the something I need to do is related to them.

I spent the weekend with family traveling. Nobody had to tell me to focus on my family instead of twittering, texting, or Facebooking. I didn’t really think about them.

Since we got back, I’ve been following up on contacts, finishing up some work, and job searching.  It’s been 10 days since my last blog because I honestly was focused on other things.  I haven’t twittered much, not because I don’t have things to say, but because I’d rather use my time getting the things done than twittering about them. I tend to do these things more when I’m stuck, bored, or waiting on something.

I use technology in every way I can to move forward and get things done. Technology is a wonderful tool. But I refuse to become a slave to that which helps me. Technology is a terrible master.

Have you ever noticed that every “sin” is really either an excess or a perversion of something good?  Gluttony is excess of the necessary act of eating. Idolotry is excessive attention on the creation which is intended to point to the Creator. Adultery and other sexual sins are excesses or perversions of an act that God blesses and considers holy and beautiful within marriage.

I personally believe our society flirts with “technology sin.” The Church is no exception. God has allowed smart people to develop these technologies to help us. Instead we tend to orgy ourselves on them and wind up being slaves to them instead of maximizing our potential by using them as tools to accomplish our individual calling and giftedness in this world.

Anyway, now back to your regularly scheduled program . . .

Lass mich endlich in Ruhe.

Sie ‎(19:02):

vielleicht lass ich leute aber auch gar nicht mehr so weit an mich ran weil ich ganz genau weis das ich nicht das bin was sie suchen, das ich sie nicht glücklich machen würde selbst wenn ich es wollte.. und das sie mich früher oder später eh verlassen würden..egal ob normale freunde oder eben mehr… ich wär nicht das was richtig wär.

ER‎(19:03):

na dann werd ich dich jetzt mal vorn kopf stoßen.du hast doch vorhin gesagt dass es keinen gibt der auf irgendwen wartet.ich warte,auf dich.ich warte jeden tag darauf dass du einsiehst dass ich nichts für deine derzeitige situation kann.ich warte darauf weil ich es will,solltest du eines tages wirklich da stehen bin ich der glücklichste mann den es gibt.und ich lehn mich noch weiter raus:ich bin in dich verliebt,für mich gibt es nur dich.alle andern frauen sind mir egal.früher hab ich noch gegafft wenn ich irgendwo nen minirock gesehen hab,jetzt kann ich das nicht mehr.ja ich warte auf dich.ich warte drauf dir endlich sagen zu können was in mir so vorgeht.dass ich dir endlich kurz vorm einschlafen oder kurz nach dem aufstehen sagen kann dass ich dich liebe.

Wieso sagst du sowas? Ich kann dich nicht lieben, mein Herz ist besetzt mit Hass und Sehnsucht und Trauer. Ich weis nicht mehr wie Liebe funktioniert. Ich will dir nicht wehtun, aber ich kann dich auch nicht glücklich machen. Es tut mir so Leid…

ich hab dir mein Herz ausgeschüttet

du hast mich ausgelacht

ich hab dir meine Seele präsentiert

du hast mich abgewehrt.

& jetzt?

jetzt bereu ich das es soweit gekommen ist

& jetzt… jetzt wünschte ich, ich hätte dich nicht wieder getroffen.

Jetzt wo es zu spät ist.

Dabei hab ich all die Wochen heimlich still und leise nach dir Ausschau gehalten, all die Wochen nachfolzogen was du tust und wie es dir geht. Dabei hab ich all die Wochen versucht mit dir zu sprechen, all die Wochen versucht dir meine Gefühle zu zeigen.

Aber ich wusste es.

Ich wusste es, all die Wochen wusst ich es, dass ich nicht einfach da wieder anfangen konnte wo ich dich damals hab stehen lassen.

& jetzt, jetzt tut es mir leid….

« People think we had a love-hate relationship. Well, I did not love him, nor did I hate him. We had mutual respect for each other, even as we both planned each other’s murder. » Werner Herzog

Our experience as a human beings living in a complex world is essentially an experience of relationships.

Our relationships with the others usually takes an imaginary frame , a state of "Mutual Respect"

Mutual respect simply means to have deep, intimate respect in your relationships & this respect maintained later by more trust, honesty &patience…

But actually this is not the mutual respect I am talking about.

In another view mutual respect can be considered just a frame to have anything other than respect towards other people. we can consider it some kind of lifestyle or a "trademark" of civilized societies.

On one hand you talk to the other person, laugh with him , discuss common concerns.

On the other hand you don’t care at all about listening to his silly talking , have a disgusting sensation of his personality & never have the intend to share with him your deep feelings.

There’s only one major thought in your mind

"How to make the best use of him (the specified one )?"

Overall it’s a good way to deal with the other behind a mask hiding your true motives, it hides all the words that carry no respect at all.

Much lies, a lot of deception even deep hate & much meanings that lie beneath our special " Mutual respect "

You can abuse others, use anyway to achieve your goals

The other is just an object to achieve more prestige and respectability in front of the society , you can go more further using bright words , pretend to have principles even in the name of god you react only to reach your tight self benefit.

You still can be good , only to the degree the world & the circumstances allows. Without any kind of fear otherwise the increasing fear to face your own self.

With some deep analysis to that general view , we can conclude a lot of things :

1^st mutual respect means you never have to feel respect towards anyone or thinking about him as a person at all.

2^nd mutual respect is a naked (true) reflection for the absence of your own self-respect & as a deep state of self deception.

The entire word itself (mutual respect) is controversial because

Its not mutual at all ,its self limited ; nor its any kind of respect its disrespect.

And you know the animals before they fight severely till death ,they still can show similar kind of mutual respect.

3^rd also inside this same relationships ,there’s more of over mistakes’ such as you never assume the other are subject to variation .so you tend to form beliefs based only on your own prejudice & character assessment

Ignoring the fact that a person character may change overtime.

4^th the last thing is about our own selves ,if we looked deep inside our lives ,most of us shall find reasons to recognize that some of the beliefs by which we lead our lives are built on fragile foundations .

Such an example is to think more about that so called "self benefit" as a principle & the closed circle that the person seeing himself as the centre of it , et…

Finally I have a simple question for you. either you are a part of the same society, same college, same work, or even the same family (it remains always the same life)

" How you still can show respect for those who have

no respect for you ?!! "

Or

" How much we really have a MUTUAL RESPECT ? "

There are thousands of clinical therapists in the world.

However, of all the therapists in the world, only a few work with trauma and PTSD.

Of all the trauma therapists, only a few work with the areas of sexual abuse and severe trauma.

Of those therapists, only a few work with dissociative disorders, DID/MPD and DDNOS.

Of the DID therapists, only a very few work with issues relating to organized perpetrator groups.

And in that small subset of therapists, only a few work with more than two or three dissociative survivors at any one time.

And it is the rare therapist among that already vanishingly small number who stay in the field for more than a few years… or long enough to gain the experience they would need in order to be most helpful to the population of clients they serve,

So of all the thousands and thousands of therapists in the world, there are relatively very few who will have the kind of knowledge and experience that you are looking for when you need a specialist in the areas of trauma and dissociation.

.

Why do so many therapists refuse to work in this area when there is so much need?

And why do so many therapists leave the field after committing years of dedication to dissociative survivors?

.

It’s time to be honest.

First – please remember, I am one of the rare few who has stayed loyal and passionately dedicated to the fields of trauma and dissociation for more than 20 years.  It is hard to find trauma therapists with that much commitment to the dissociative population.  I am on your side – I will prove that over and over – but I am going to be honest.

.

DID’ers are a very difficult population of people for a therapist to work with !!!!

Now don’t get me wrong.  Some of you are absolutely wonderful – without question, the most incredible heroes and the very most courageous people I have ever met.  Those of you in this category are absolute diamonds, and I really cannot say enough positive things about you.  You all are truly inspirational, and I am honored to work beside you.

Unfortunately, those who are genuinely dedicated to their therapy and who work hard to achieve their deepest healing are all too often undermined by the few survivors who are willing to do anything but work on their healing.

Oh, these survivors will SAY they are working in therapy…. They will CLAIM they are dedicated to their healing…. They go through the motions, and they spout all the right words.  To a point.  And then they don’t anymore.

Because in reality, this small number of survivors is more interested in hurting other people than they are in healing their own pain.  They are more interested in destroying others than they are in helping themselves.  They are willing to lie about anything or anyone just to get attention drawn to themselves.  They are very destructive and they are very sick.

And these destructive survivors could be costing you a lot more than you realize.

Ouch.

I am sure as a population, this is not pleasant to hear.  Please know that I am not saying this to all of you.

Those of you that are genuinely dedicated to your healing know exactly what I am talking about – I’m sure – because you have most likely already witnessed your healing resources being used up, beat up, and exhausted by fellow survivors whose intentions were far from honorable.  The survivors that do this are sabotaging those of you that are truly trying to heal, because the therapeutic field gets completely burnt out by “them” and ends up not having the time or energy or interest to work with you.  Many good therapists simply will not be willing to risk working with other survivors after they have had some bad experiences with these destructive survivors.

So… the survivors that are undermining your therapists are doing harm to themselves, to the therapists, and to you.  They are attacking, abusing, and destroying your therapeutic resources, leaving  you with less.  These “bad apples” are giving the whole dissociative population a bad name, and frankly, this kind of behavior should not be tolerated by any of us.

.

Now what?

If you all want mental health professionals to stay working in the fields of trauma and dissociation, it is important to make that work worth it to them, and not a “nightmare” for them.

I am not saying that you have to feed the egos of the therapists, or provide support for them, or do any freaky weird boundary violations.  Therapists became therapists for intrinsic reasons of their own.  We don’t need y’all to “make it worth it” to us by what you give to us.

Therapists want you to make their work worth it by allowing them to genuinely do their job.  We want you to address your issues, work on your healing, stay focused on your system, be honest with your feelings, etc.  If you will do your job of focusing completely on your own healing, we as therapists will be thrilled with that.  Your genuine progress will be our reward.

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That being said, what can you do to protect the relationship you have with your therapist in particular? And how can you do your part to protect the resources available in the therapeutic community, so that therapists are more motivated to enter and remain in the field, and more survivors have the opportunity to work with truly skilled professionals?

How can you separate yourself from those survivors that are destructive?

How can you make sure you are helping the problem, and not creating the problem?

Here are some ideas of what NOT to do:

• Don’t lie to yourself and expect others to believe you.
• Don’t lie to your therapist.  How can you heal if you are not honest in your sessions?
• Don’t lie about a therapist.  Don’t believe lies about a therapist.
• Don’t gossip about a therapist. Don’t believe gossip about a therapist.  Don’t spread unfounded false allegations.  Don’t chase off or destroy therapeutic resources with false accusations.
• Don’t forget to examine your transference feelings, and recognize them as transference issues.  Don’t forget how projection, transference, displacement, and amnesia can affect your thinking. Work openly and genuinely on these issues instead of blaming the therapist.
• Don’t attack a therapist because you are too afraid to address the real source of your anger.
• Don’t let therapists become the “bad guys” in your definition.  Therapists are your helpers. They are there to help with your healing.  Learn quickly how to define the helpers from the hurters, and address that confusion as often as necessary.
• Don’t assume that all “survivors” are automatically being honest with you (or themselves) when they are trashing a therapist.  Remember, they may be in the “hate” cycle of the love-hate dynamic.
• Don’t assume that all “survivors” are working for the betterment of the survivor community.  Some so-called survivors are truly moles from the dark sides of the world, and are here to cause trouble in any way they can.
• Don’t let your jealousies and insecurities consume you and destroy your focus.  If you want your therapist all to yourself, hire them to work 40 hrs per week at their full hourly rates.  If that is not an option, be mature enough to know your therapist is going to have other clients.

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Here are some ideas about what TO do:

• Be genuinely honest with your yourself. The more honest you are, the more healing you will accomplish.
• Be genuinely honest with your therapist. Your therapist can help best when they genuinely understand the issues.
• Remember that your healing is to be focused on you, your behavior, your feelings, your mistakes, your strengths, your weaknesses, etc.  Your therapy is about you, so keep the topics focused on you, even when it is hard to look at yourself.
• Do your own internal system homework in between sessions.  Your healing will progress as you put your own time and effort into it.
• Be kind, appreciative, thankful, and polite.  This doesn’t mean to grovel or do penance.  Just use normal social manners and social politeness.
• Remember that your therapist does not have to be your emotional (or physical) punching bag. If you are hitting too hard, redirect your anger towards your abusers, where it belongs.
• Give yourself adequate time to work through the complexities of your healing process. An experienced therapist will not rush you, and it is truly ok for you to take as much time to heal as you need.
• Separate yourself from other survivors that are troublemakers and instigators of negative drama.  Just like school days, if you hang out with people causing harm, you’ll end up doing the same, or being tangled in their web. Their poor behavior will cost you.  You can decide if that is worth it to you or not.
• Ignore the drama queens determined to cause trouble in front of you.  If you refuse to buy into their antics, they will move on to other pastures.  If you give drama precedence over your own healing, you will not be progressing in your own healing.  Protect the entire dissociative community by supporting your therapeutic resources.
• Remember to think for yourself.  All too often, survivors listen to any strong, authoritative voice that tells them what to do.  If someone is telling you negative things about your therapist, set a boundary, stop, and re-evaluate all sides of your situation.
• Talk openly with your therapist about any concerns you have.  Give yourself the chance to problem-solve any difficulties or conflicts that arise.  Working through conflicts is an important part of your healing process, and it does not necessarily require a therapeutic rupture.

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If you can truly apply these guidelines, you will be honoring your own healing. You will also be showing respect to your individual therapist, protecting other ongoing therapeutic relationships, supporting the greater survivor community, and enhancing the larger therapeutic community.

Maybe most of you think that you are not actively involved in the destruction of the therapeutic resources, but if you support it, believe it, allow it to go on by your “friends”, etc, then you could be more involved than you realize. You can either help to maintain effective therapeutic resources, or you can allow their destruction.

It’s a conscious decision that each one of you has to make.

Everyone has to do their part in protecting the few therapeutic resources available for dissociative survivors.  You can choose to support the destructive people, or you can choose to kick them to the curb, and get along with your own healing.

Remember, if you genuinely focus on yourself and your own healing, then you are doing all you need to do.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

There are distinct differences between Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Borderline Personality Disorder (DID).  There are many overlapping symptoms, and some therapists believe that all trauma survivors with DID are also BPD.  I, however, do not hold that perspective.

In my opinion, not all trauma survivors with DID are BPD.  However, I will guess that the greater portion of DID’ers are also borderline.  This makes the discussion of borderline behaviors an important topic for dissociative trauma survivors.

Borderline survivors are frequently characterized with black and white thinking, self-injury, impulsive behaviors, repeated crises, intense abandonment issues, suicidal behaviors, inappropriate anger, mood instability, irritability, paranoid thinking, an unstable self image, etc.  There are a wide variety of BPD behaviors that could be discussed over a series of posts.  I’ll save those topics for another day.

For this blog post, I want to focus on a particular aspect of BPD:  having a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (see the DSM IV).

Unstable and intense relationships.

People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers [or therapists] at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough. These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand. These individuals are prone to sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately be seen as beneficent supports or as cruelly punitive. Such shifts often reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder

Ok, that’s a lot of psychobabble talk, so what does that mean?

This is when the BPD survivor alternates between thinking someone is wonderful – excellent – the very best, and then thinking that very same person is horrific – awful – horrible.  The BPD survivor will show or feel excessive attachment to a new person, and in a sense fall madly in love with this person.  They put this new person on a pedestal, believing the person to be more incredibly perfect and wonderful than they could possibly be in real life, and they crave constant attention and special recognition from their new perfect person.  (But don’t ask the BPD survivor to admit that. All too many BPD survivors deny their craving for more, more, more.)

But of course, no one can stay “perfect” for long.  The perfect person will inevitably do something that just doesn’t measure up.  Typically, the “errors” created by the perfect person are that they did not shower the BPD survivor with enough individual, specialized attention.  This is nearly always the fatal crime – just not doing enough to keep the attention-starved BPD person happy with unquestionable importance.  So, before they know it, the perfect person will suddenly become the hated target, responsible for all evils of the world.  And when BPD survivors swing from the feelings of intense positive adoration to the angry hateful place, they are willing to, and actually desirous of, utterly destroying the same person they once loved.

Does anyone remember the movie, Fatal Attraction?  That movie portrays a Hollywood version of the love-hate relationship experienced by borderlines.  Hollywood was extreme in their portrayal, of course, but the love-hate flip-flop is easily seen.

For trauma survivors with both BPD and DID, the love-hate flip-flop can happen quickly and easily.  Remember, as DID survivors, they are very used to switching and to containing opposite life perspectives in opposite extremes.  So, when the dissociative BPD feels abandoned by their treasured “good object” and becomes upset with them, the flip into hatred might not be that far away.

The abandonment can be experienced in any number of ways.  Being very sensitive to any rejection of intense connection they desire, simple things can be interpreted as huge emotional offences — for example, if the once perfect person sets limits by saying “no” to a specific request, or by not offering extra time, or by going away themselves. Even if the reasons for being away are valid, no reason is good enough – every reason still means they are left behind, and that is not acceptable.

Jealousy is frequently an intense motivator too.  When BPD survivors want a cherished relationship with their new perfect person, they have all kinds of jealous pangs if they believe someone else has a more treasured place than they do.   Instead of doing the work it takes to keep their own relationships in a positive place, they focus outwardly on relationships that belong to others, drowning in their jealousy and anger, and inevitably destroying the relationships they wanted to cherish.

For dissociative trauma survivors, the therapeutic relationship is an incredibly important relationship.  Developing and protecting this relationship is both central and crucial to the entire healing process.  DID’ers can spend years of time with their therapist, and cultivating the skills to keep this relationship in a workable, positive place is critical.

For BPD survivors, the therapeutic relationship is equally important.  However, these survivors often lack the skills needed to maintain positive long-term relationships, even with therapists.  Therapists very frequently become the target of the love-hate flip-flop dynamic.  Many therapists refuse to work with clients with BPD precisely because of this dynamic.

This love-hate borderline behavioral pattern should help to explain how any therapist can be the most dearest of therapists, and then a short time later, be the most hated. It’s a behavioral symptom of BPD. It doesn’t mean that the therapist is actually wonderful or horrible. It just means BPD survivor is acting out the black-white, love-hate, attachment-abandonment issue that is central to BPD.

When you know to look for it, you’ll see it happening all over the place in the trauma survivor population.

So when you hear someone attempting to destroy or bad-mouth someone else, consider the bigger clinical context of what this kind of behavior is about.

And please – work very hard to NOT do this to your therapist.  Your therapist will not likely become your worst enemy unless you make that happen.   Instead of destroying your cherished relationships, it is much better to protect them with all that you have.  Don’t believe lies.  Don’t tell yourself lies.  Remember who your therapist is and do not confuse your therapist with any other person (mother, father, perpetrator, etc). The disordered dynamics related to BPD are a complication, but they do not have to become an insuperable obstacle — you really can choose not to let these dynamics dominate your relationships, with your therapist or anyone else.

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By:

Kathy Broady LCSW

www.AbuseConsultants.com

www.SurvivorForum.com

Ja du bist mir so ne Knalltüte.
Erst reizt du mich bis ich ausraste, dann tust du als wärst du ein kleines Unschuldslamm und dann wenns echt schon fast zu spät ist kommst du mir mit “Bist  noch sauer”. Nein ich war nie wirklich sauer ich war fuchsteufelswild

Aber das hast du einfach schön gesagt : ” wir lassen unsere schlechte laune nicht mehr aneinander aus und ich stell weiterhin die welt auf den kopf für dich “

Dann fang mal an die Welt auf den Kopf zu drehen, mir ist nämlich langweilig

, originally uploaded by ϟam.

Lately I’ve been thinking of you,
and all the things we used to do.
Swimming in the dark,
walks to the park.
Running in the rain,
now all I feel is pain.
But that’s okay I suppose,
it’s just the way the song goes.
It’s my fault I don’t see you anymore ,
but I wish we could of had more.
We did have something there,
the love in your eyes and the flowers in my hair.
I hate the way that friendship ended,
but I’m glad I could once call you my best friend.
And though their was more to discover,
I wish I could still call you my lover.
Thinking about you still makes me glow,
but I know that we could of grown.
People always said we’d end up together,
like two birds of a feather.
They would act as if we were a pair,
and I have to admit that those feelings were there.
I miss it all,
I miss the brawl.
The wrestling in the grass,
the time I totally kicked your ass.
The fun times and the sad times too,
but most of all I really truly missed you.
and I still do,
now that I’ve lost you.