So, The MIC decided he didn’t want to go to D.C. anymore as he felt as if he needed some respite and went to a cabin to be alone.  I didn’t believe him, so I sent him an email and attached a tag to it- it’s a program my employer at that time used to make sure important emails were delivered; it tells you it was delivered and where it was received.  My email to him was received in Washington, D.C., not in a cabin somewhere in the boonies.  He lied to me.  Blatantly.

I asked him about it to see if he would confess but he didn’t.  I ended up having to tell him that I knew where he was, and I had to tell him how I found out. He was angry with me, for obvious reasons.  I felt like I had no choice- I needed to know the truth and he wasn’t giving it to me. He explained that the reason why he lied was because he didn’t feel like he could tell me he wanted to be alone without me getting angry.  That made me sad because I would have understood that, but he didn’t give me a chance to show him that I could be understanding, even if I was disappointed.  But I was so angry that he lied, that was my focus – it made me wonder what else he may have lied about.  Was he lying now? Was he lying about his feelings?  We were  both angry with each other and we went to bed that way.

The next day, he apologized for lying.  I accepted his apology and I also apologized for tagging his email – I let him know that I knew that was wrong and I understood why he was angry about me doing that. We were both wrong but willing to forgive each other because I think we both understood where the other person was coming from. As I hinted in the previous post, today, I understand even more why he lied. Yes,  he should have been honest, but I was so focused on myself and going on the trip that I couldn’t see anything else; I was in a selfish place.  I understand why he thought I wouldn’t be happy about him deciding to go alone, and I totally get why he chose to do something that would stop the situation from escalating as it was already bad. We kept talking and trying to move forward but he didn’t want his “boyfriend” title anymore.  He said he couldn’t be that to me any longer and that he just wanted to be plain friends. I was upset about that but didn’t say much about it. I told him I didn’t like how he  sounded and that I wanted to come see him and maybe we could do lunch or dinner – I felt like I needed to see him and make sure he was okay, even if it was just as a friend.  I have three very good friends who live in the D.C. area and I told him I would stay with one of them if I drove there. He was iffy about me going there but ended up saying he felt it was okay for us to meet for dinner.

I drove to D.C. and met him where he was staying. His leg was hurting so I immediately told him to give it to me so I could massage it for him.  He sat in the chair and I sat on the floor rubbing his leg. Somehow we ended up laying in bed – innocently- and we had a good heart to heart.  We decided I’d stay with him for the night.  We went out to dinner, we laughed and joked as we usually do, and it was almost as if we never had a fight. We went back to where he was staying and had probably the most memorable make-up sex we had ever had, followed by some “don’t ever lie to me again” morning sex. We had breakfast and then he went into town to do some work. I decided to go to Maryland to meet with one of my girlfriends and stopped to have lunch with Mr. MIC. It was the first time I had a Bento box.  We sat outside on the patio and a one hour lunch quickly turned into two hours.  I kissed him goodbye and left for my train.

I went back to D.C. later that evening and  he asked me to go with him to Pennsylvania the next day so we could spend one more night together and I agreed. The next day we drove to PA – I don’t remember where, but we spent a quiet evening together – we were both tired after the drive and went right to sleep, which is unusual for us.  In the morning, he more than made up for the non-love-making night.  During those very intimate moments, he said things to me that were so endearing, that I still remember them to this day. It wasn’t anything like “I love you” – it was…..deeper than that. That’s all I can say about it. Another thing I can say is that I learned a hard lesson  from this fight: never put yourself in a position where you allow the person you love to feel as if they can’t trust you enough to be honest because you don’t have the ability to see past yourself.

We said our goodbyes and we were in such a good place from having spent such good quality time together that the fight became insignificant. I had my MIC back and as I drove away to go home, I noticed that the sun was shining brightly and I felt happy because in a way, we DID get to celebrate that second anniversary.

See you later tonight for another Love Letter.

Everything was going well in our world, and a few weeks after MIC came to see me, he was on the road again. This time it was without me…he went to spend some time with his folks.  I didn’t expect to hear much from him during that time, but I had forgotten how thoughtful he was: he went out of his way to stay in contact with me while he was away.  He emailed when he could, and he even called a few times.  I think I’ve already mentioned that he has a great voice, and I’m not saying that because I loved him….I’m saying it because it’s true. And I loved hearing his voice in my ear, especially just before going to sleep.

Our one year anniversary was upon us and we decided to celebrate in P h i l l y. We were excited about it, especially because we had a new found understanding over the course of weeks leading up to the big day….I looked over some notes again to make sure I remembered things correctly, and I had completely forgotten an important conversation we had: we discussed having a child together. It was brought up by me at the time because it was something I wanted to do and felt very strongly about it.  He didn’t say no automatically, instead, he wanted a very detailed and thought out plan from me as to why I thought it was a good idea. Now that I remember that discussion, I have to give him props for that because he was very fair.  He basically said, “Okay, you want this particular thing, and I don’t think it’s the best idea, but I also don’t think it’s a terrible idea.  Tell me why I should do it and I’ll consider it.” Remembering that today is making me see something new about him that I didn’t pay attention to before – I didn’t see it so I didn’t appreciate it: in this and in most circumstances, he listened to my needs and desires, and even when he didn’t agree with them, he was always willing to listen to my case and even be open to changing his mind. I don’t know what you ladies out there think about this, but I know what *I* think, and clearly, this was a man who was fair, sincere, and compromising, while holding onto his own beliefs and ideas at the same time. That is an awesome quality to have and speaks volumes about his character; I don’t know many men like that. To be quite honest and frank, he’s the ONLY man I know who was (don’t know if he still is) that way. It’s making me appreciate what he gave me back then even more.

I got to P h i l l y and I actually brought work with me. None of it got done on the first evening because we had talk catching up and sex catching up to do….and it was our anniversary, we were celebrating! The next day, I finished it my work just in time to get ready to go to dinner with him in Mount Airy. He had bought me this really cute fuchsia cocktail dress that you can wear in seven ways, and I wore it that night, and he was also looking dapper in a shirt and tie. I think we were a very handsome couple…and I really mean that, I’m not just saying it. As always, the restaurant was very nice because he chose it. But….we got into a fight. It was my fault. Things seemed to get better when we went to a bar and had some drinks- the tension seemed to dwindle down and we were good again. But then we ended up getting into an even bigger fight.  It was awful. I don’t even know how we had sex the next morning, but we did. What was so *right* with us that not even a bad fight could stop the ‘bidness’ from going down? Lol. I apologized profusely about the fight and acknowledged it was all my fault.  He accepted my apology but things were still a little tense – he seemed wary of me. My friend TLC and I went to visit him….things were still tense for him. I wanted to make up, but he was aloof. One night after my friend went to sleep, he and I went out for drinks. We sat on the steps talking until late and I wanted him to come in my room with me to make up but he was not in that space.  I was sad, of course.  The next day, I asked him to come over very early in the morning to get in bed with me.  He said he’d think about it.  I promised I wouldn’t come on to him. He did come over, and I DID come on to him – not that I didn’t try to stay away, because I swore to myself that I would behave. Before he got there. And then, when he got there, I just couldn’t help it – there is something about being around him that just used to get me going.  I can’t explain it and I spent a long time trying to figure it out and I just couldn’t – it was what it was, and that’s it. I somehow managed to get on top of him and was laying on him…the rest is history.  We had a second anniversary about something special that was the next week and we had planned to spend time together in Washington, D.C.  But he began saying that he wasn’t sure he was going. I told him I still wanted to go with him but he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, because I knew all of “this” was still about the P h i l l y fight. He finally said no, he’s definitely not going. In hindsight, I think he was also going through something but wasn’t talking about it, but I was too focused on my own hurt and pain about the D.C. trip at the time. I want you all to pay attention to what I’m about to say: in relationships, sometimes people fight, sometimes  we get hurt.  But when you love someone, it’s important to listen to their cues so that you can know when you might need to fall back and give that person as much love as you can with your silence; stop bitching, be quiet, and be supportive of the person – even from a distance if you have to. That is what *I* should have done instead of being wrapped up in my own, “But I want to go to D.C.!”thing.

There was a little bit of a rough patch at the time, and it was only rough because I was being selfish which lead to him doing something he shouldn’t have done.  However, armed with hindsight, I actually understand (I can’t BELIEVE I’m saying this!) why he did what he did. We ended up coming out of it okay – I’ll let you know if we end up going to D.C. and all the the other things that happened in the next post.  Don’t start worrying and sending me, “OMG – are you guys breaking up?” notes.  Lol. We were just fine, I promise. (smile)

See you tomorrow night.  Quote:

“The only thing I want is you. The other thing I want is honesty – please always be honest with me even when you think it’s going to hurt me or it’s going to be uncomfortable for you to tell me – I promise you that if you do that, I will respect you and love you more than I already do because I already accept everything about you; nothing you tell me is going to make me leave if you don’t want me to go.” Sam to The MIC.

MIC was a little quiet and reflective when we returned from N O L A.  When I asked him about it, he told me that he was adjusting to being back to our regular lives where we don’t get to spend that kind of time together, and that the adjustment was difficult. It took a little time for him to get out of his sad funk, but we talked through it, and he came out of it just fine.

He came to spend a few days with me some weeks later.  It was summertime again, just like the year before when we first met and I was driving alongside the park to meet with him, and I was….happy. I was happier this summer, if that’s even possible! I was working again and settled into my job, I was in love, I finally had a new place and felt independent again, and the person who was the source of my love and affection loved me back. Life was good.

We had dinner at N e g r i l s – my favourite Caribbean restaurant.  Well…in the US!

N e g r i l s.

I was devastated when they closed, and even though they have another location, it’s just not the same. While we were having dinner, the oddest thing happened: my ex walked in (if you’ve read my “E p i  p h a n y” post, this is the man I was discussing).  He didn’t see me at first, so when he was about to pass me, I figured I should say hi, and introduce him to The MIC.  This was important because my ex swore up and down that The MIC and Sam wouldn’t last more than a few months and I wanted to show him how wrong he was, and I wanted to show MIC off to him. I touched his arm as he was walking by, and I introduced him to MIC. That was probably  a mistake because he text’d me the entire night afterwards, asking me questions about my relationship; clearly, he wasn’t JUST interested in us being friends.  Technically, my ex was cock-blocking. Big time. I had to nip that in the bud because he was being rude and inconsiderate, so I just ignored him and focused on the time I was spending with my MIC. We had a good night.  But that was normal for us (smile).

Then it was my turn to introduce him to a close friend (I met one of his in a previous post): we had lunch with my friend, TLC.  They chose Thai food and we all sat out on the patio talking.  I expected her to grill him, but she didn’t; this was a good thing as it meant she liked him.

We planned to spend the evening at home and we were driving down the street, listening to music and talking…it seemed like every time we were in the car together, the song “U m b r e l la” by Ms. R i h a n n a was playing.  To this day, every time I hear that song, I think of that time we spent together.  We stopped at Blockbuster and I bought a comedy that I wanted him to watch with me, and then he insisted on making another stop….this one was for flowers that he promised me – my favourite; stargazers.

Fresh flowers by the bed

He remembered that I always keep fresh flowers by my bed and I didn’t have any…isn’t he so thoughtful?

We got back to my place and, I’m not sure what night it was….but we were laying in bed and the t.v. was on- The Da v i d L e t t e r m a n Show…K e y s h i a  C o l e performed “Sent from H e a v e n”, and it was so….appropriate for how I felt at the time, I really felt like he and our relationship was a gift from God. I felt the words, “When love won’t let you walk away and you can’t help who you love” – it was so true, because God knows I TRIED. Lol. Obviously unsuccessfully. I made sure to send that song to him in an iTunes playlist; I used to send him music every once in awhile for his ‘pod’. Here’s what we watched in bed:

And that is another song that whenever I hear it, it reminds me of laying in bed with him that summer, doing absolutely nothing, and being completely happy.

He was leaving at noon the next day, and we stayed in bed all morning. I remember him giving me so many orgasms that I said to him, “OMG – I don’t want to wash the sheets because I can smell you and I all over them!” We just laughed. And, of course I washed them as I always do, but this particular afternoon, when he was gone, I pulled the sheets off of the bed and held them in my hands, up to my nose and just breathed the essence of him in. I stood there for about a good five minutes just breathing in those sheets and reminiscing on  our time together that weekend. And just a few weeks later he wrote something to me that when I read it now, I know that in that time, he was right: we had a very strong, very powerful kind of love.  He told me back then that for the rest of his life, when he thinks of me, it would always be with powerful feelings of love, and even if what he said wasn’t true, I think the love I felt for him was enough to cover us both (smile).

See you later, guys.

“Come on, now….you know when it comes to YOU, I’m ride or die all day every day…of course I’m riding!” Sam to The MIC.

The MIC decided he wanted to have some “me” time, so I met him down in Baton Rouge about 3 days after he got there. He came to pick me up at the airport and he looked so…

…cute.  But he also looked relaxed and happy. And that’s how I like to see him.

We spent the next few days in Baton Rouge while he finished up some work, and I even went to work with him and helped him with a project that involved writing. You guys already know how I feel about doing that, so I won’t be redundant.

At work in BR. We sat here while he drank coffee one morning.

We went to the mall, we had dinner – I was the one inebriated this time, and he took advantage of that…not that I minded! I loved it when he was ‘extra-amorous’ and then he followed that up with some aggression! I tried to pay him back one evening by taking care of him in the car while he drove….On the way to New Orleans on Saturday, we stopped to do some tourist-y things, which we don’t do often. 

It was right up there with one of the best days I’ve ever experienced with him because we were free to do whatever we wanted, at our leisure, and enjoy each others company. We strolled along on a tour hand in hand, and when people would look at us, we didn’t care, we just laughed. We drove for quite awhile, and it was relaxing to sit next to him in the car, my wedges off and my feet up on the dashboard, my left hand holding his right hand in my lap, driving on a gorgeous day with the windows open and my hair blowing in the wind, listening to music, laughing, talking, and just…being together.

We were excited to finally get to the cottage we had been coveting, and when we walked in, it was everything we thought it would be: a private place that was romantic and sexy at the same time.

The little cottage we stayed at.

We could close the world out and cook, watch t.v., swim in the pool (that water was freezing!), or get in the hot tub…it was our own private haven. I had packed several bathing suits, or bikinis, rather….some picked by him…and we couldn’t wait to be able to get in the hot tub and have a private fashion show.  Because of the railroad style of the cottage, you have to be VERY comfortable with your partner to be able to share such an intimate space.

Living in close quarters.

Every day, we would go to work at that place with the delicious lunches and where all the clerks had crushes on him; he was completely oblivious until one of them REALLY started to flirt! Lol. Then she subtly asked me who I was to him…I didn’t answer because I was quite amused by how much they were into him and he was so NOT into them. He can be so dismissive at times, but it’s actually funny to observe. We had breakfasts across the street from the cottage most mornings; he would go over first and grab us seats.

B r e a k f a s t location.

Sometimes we ate breakfast outside.

Most nights we went out to dinner.

We ate dinner at this Italian restaurant a few times.

And a lot of the time we kept it simple and had dinner right across the street from the gym he worked out at

(I did pole lessons! lol) and we had sushi and drinks at our favorite place, sitting side by side in a booth.

Our favourite sushi spot.

We also went back to our favorite strip club a few times, and I even got him a lap dance – THAT was fun to watch!

Back at our old place!

And, no – I never got jealous, I knew he was leaving with ME (smile) and I knew what to expect when we got back to the bedroom…..or the hot tub….

We took the car he rented on the ferry with us over to A l g i e r s P o i n t. We got out of the car and walked over to the deck to look at the city skyline.

Ferry to A l g i e r s.

And then we got off with the car and went back to the Crown and Anchor….this time, there was no emotional tension…only sexual tension! We would have drinks, I’d gently rub his back, we would talk and sometimes kiss each other in between talking – I made sure I always sat very close to him. We’d walk hand in hand down Bourbon Street at night, watching people mis-behave.  Once, we were walking and he said something to me and I didn’t hear him. I said, “Babe – I didn’t hear you – what did you say?” And he said, “Oh, never mind – I don’t want to be disrespectful.” I laughed at this and said, “Are you serious? You just disrespected me in at least 5 different ways back at the house when you were f*cking me – we are WAY past polite, come on!” He laughed and said, “You’re right.” There were some moments that we experienced together that are so precious and that no one can take away…it feels good to have them; he gave me many moments like that.

It was all spectacular – no fussing, just totally good days, followed by even better nights that included sessions that started in the hot tub

The hot tub at night.

and ended in the bedroom, followed by morning sessions…sometimes, afterwards, we would just lay there and marvel at how connected we were in so many ways and how it made sex between us so…..unbelievably good.  And once in awhile, in the morning, he would be really quiet and I would ask him what was wrong, and he’d say, “I’m thinking about going back home and how much I will miss being like this with you everyday.” And, I used to think, “Me too” but I never said it, I just tried to comfort him.  Our lives were very different when we were home – we were just too busy to be so leisurely. And while it was getting a little easier for me to deal with because I knew he loved me, it was starting to dawn on me how difficult it was for him sometimes.  It was something I hadn’t realized before and it made me sad. If there was anything I could have given him, it would have been the ability for him to have my love with him….live and in person, every single day and night, just like we were in N e w O r l e a n s.

Love Letters happily continues tomorrow….quote:

“I always want the best for you – in your career and in your personal life, I want you to be happy, I want you to have everything you want, and I will continue to pray that you have all of these things. I love you with everything I have, and more than anyone; I always will.” Sam to The MIC.

We greeted each other with the enormous sexual energy that we have and tried to help each other alleviate that energy. I met him at this really cute wine bar he found on the East Side and it’s a place I still go to from time to time- just once with a girlfriend, but mostly alone as I don’t want to share that place with anyone.

A c c a d e m i a Wine Bar.

It’s a special place to me because we had a good time there, sipping wine and eating hors d’oeuvres as we talked. I found out that the owner of this wine bar also owns the place where we had our first REAL dinner date (Love Letter #6) and wondered if that’s why we felt so ‘happy’ there; maybe the aura of this bar was the same as the restaurant.

Inside of A c c a d e m i a.

We went back to the apartment and hung out with each other inside for the evening. He sat at the desk in the living room on his laptop writing, and I laid out on the couch talking with him. We drank wine, joked around, and listened to rap music. Good times.

The next day, he did have some meetings so I went out and had some lunch.  I decided to go with mussels, as he introduced them to me at the cabin and I enjoyed them. By the time I met up with him and we went shopping at Arden B (he picked out some really nice blouses that I’ve actually never worn – still have them!), I was deathly ill; I felt like I was dying. I manged to drive us back to the apartment even though I felt like I might have fainted. And then the worst thing happened: I threw up. It was the mussels – they were bad. While I stood over the toilet, throwing my heart out of my mouth, MIC stood behind me and rubbed my back – he wasn’t even repulsed. You see why I loved him so much? Who does that? I was sick for a few more hours.  I slept, and he watched over me.  When  I finally thought I could stomach something, we went out for dinner at a restaurant that I like that wasn’t more than 2 blocks from the apartment. But we didn’t realize that on some nights, they have a live DJ – and this was one of those nights; we could hardly hear each other, but the music was great!

Outside of the restaurant where we had my birthday dinner - V e r t i g o.

I have to tell you: it’s been a few years and I haven’t eaten mussels since then.  Now that I’m sitting here writing about it, I actually, for the first time since then, don’t feel sick to my stomach discussing it. Hmm! I actually might be ready to try them again!

I saw him about 1.5 weeks later as I went up to his place to spend the week with him.  We’d wake up, have incredible sex, he’d make breakfast, go to work, and then call at some point in the day to see if I wanted to go out to dinner or stay in….and every evening ended the same way it started; with throw me up against the wall, hot-ass sex! One evening, he tried to take me back to the place where we made the promise to fight for each other, but they were closed.  Another night, he took me to a really beautiful restaurant on a hill – the food was just okay, but the atmosphere was wonderful and romantic.

Outside the restaurant that The MIC chose.

Inside the restaurant.

The view from our table - isn't it beautiful?

One evening, I cooked for him – I made peppered shrimp appetizers and penne with vodka sauce – it was a good dinner. We both had too much Pinot, and it resulted in me learning something new about him…it also resulted in a debauching night…

This was our favorite wine to drink.

We were getting ready to go to our favorite spot, N e w  O r l e a n s, to stay at a little cottage we had been dying to stay at but was always booked. We were going to be gone for 2 entire weeks, and I was elated at the idea of spending so much alone time with my MIC. Before we left, I went to see him once more at his house.  I am mentioning it because we had a very memorable lovemaking session in his living room, in the dark…right on his couch, and we ended up on the floor; it’s still very vivid in my mind even though it’s been a couple of years…as I said…VERY memorable. We were in lust and we were also in love, we were getting along extremely well – life was good.

Next post will be a very long and happy one. N O L A, here we come! See you tomorrow…quote:

“I love you because of the man you are, and the choices that you have made, even when the choices didn’t offer any benefits to me. I treasure whatever “us” is.  I want “us”.  I desire “us” and I need “us”.  I’m not ashamed to say that without The MIC, SAM feels like she can’t breathe – how about THEM apples?” Sam to The MIC.

And, we’re off again! This time to The C a r o l i n a s and back to where I think was our favorite US spot, N e w O r l e a n s.

Side bar: my timing was a little off on post 15 – the Superbowl bet happened AFTER Valentine’s day, just a few days before this trip I’m about to discuss.

We had a really good time in Chapel Hill.  When we landed, we were starving so we stopped for some lunch – Thai food. Hotel check-in followed by  “OMG, I’m so glad we’re here together” sex, and then he was off to doing this ‘thing’ he does: Whenever he has to do something important (work-related), he gets super-focused and lost in his work.  I mean, to the point where I used to feel like I needed to tip-toe around him.  It’s pretty intense, and took me a little while to fully understand that it wasn’t about ME, he wasn’t angry or annoyed with me or anything I did/said, he was just in work mode.  And, I also learned to really appreciate that about him because that’s when he’s at his best.  So, I just leave him alone and let him do what he needs to do. If you’re a woman and you have a partner who is a perfectionist, give him his freedom to do what he needs to do. Don’t whine and complain, just go do something you enjoy, or spend time with some friends. You’ll get rewarded for your patience, just like I used to!

I made myself busy by going to the mall. I decided I was going to surprise him later with something special for all of his hard work. When he was officially done with work later that night, he had me come into town to meet him. He was a tiny bit inebriated! Lol. He’s even MORE fun when he’s in that state, and his accent is also much more pronounced; it’s SOOOO sexy. He told me all about work and how well everything went – he was happy. And it made me happy, too – it was such a great experience to share his happiness with him. He always used to make me so proud. We got back to our room and I told him I bought him something. As we vegged out in bed – he in his required boxers and me in my nightie, I brought out a bottle of red wine and the chocolate covered strawberries I had picked up from the Godiva store earlier.

He said, “What is this?” I said, “It’s for YOU, for working so hard, silly! Let’s eat, drink, talk, and veg out together in bed!” By this point, his lips were stained with red wine, and I leaned over to taste his lips. We started talking and laughing, we were just having FUN. And then he did something so unexpected and out of the blue. He asked me, right in the middle of us laughing, “You know I love you, right?” I asked, “Really, you do? What does that mean?” We were both still laughing, and he said, “I don’t know, I just know that’s how I feel.” I was also tipsy at this point, so the ‘moment’ hadn’t completely hit me yet, but I said,”Aww – come here, babe” then I kissed him again. Our kiss became more intense. We put away the wine and the strawberries, and, well….you know. And, yes, I did tell him I loved him, too….somewhere in between all of the laughter and happiness…

It took him 5.5 months to say those three words to me again. And while I wondered much of that time if he did feel that way, in those last few weeks he was showing me that he did, so when he actually said it, it was more of a confirmation for me, and, well, it was worth waiting to hear, because that night, I know he really meant it. And, he was right, we didn’t have to define what it meant – it didn’t mean he, I, or WE had to ‘do’ anything…we simply accepted what we knew about each other and we had love.  That’s it…nothing more, nothing less. And we had some of the absolute best sex ever. Consistently and quite often. I was happy and fulfilled with him, regardless of whatever external forces were against us.

We sat on the terrace of Caffe Driade for hot chocolate and coffee to do our usual: talk.

For the rest of that trip, we went out to dinner, he officially introduced me to friends, and then we were back home.  Only to leave again just a few weeks later.

We stayed at this really cute condo in the Uptown section of New Orleans, including a huge jacuzzi and a large balcony.  Only thing is, when we arrived that night, very late, we couldn’t get inside. What is it with us and locks? Lol.. He was angry, and I tried to remain calm and somehow, I found the owner and we were able to get in. We went to church on Palm Sunday, and that was so nice- I loved sharing that with him, too, just like we did in Philadelphia. After church, we had brunch and sat outside – something we didn’t do often, so it was a nice change. Then shopping at Whole Foods. I cooked him breakfast most mornings, and he even allowed me to make him dinner once. I went to work with him everyday, and I enjoyed that immensely – I learned so much from him.  That learning experience is something I will never, ever forget, and I am so extremely appreciative for all of it; I don’t think he knew that the fact that he shared his work with me made me love him even more than I already did- that is how passionate I felt about him allowing me to be a part of his work life, which is so important to him. By the way, where we worked? They had the absolute best lunches! We had some GOOD food for lunch every single day – was the highlight of MY day for sure! Lol.

Work every day.

And, of course, we went back to the strip club! One of the nights we were there, I made us a bubble bath, complete with music and wine, fruit, and candles.

When we got out of the tub, he dried me off with a towel, and…..what I’m about to say is racy….that night, I don’t know what happened, but I think it was the first time I had orgasms in the double digits. I could say more, but I won’t!

Our last day there, we took the day off from working and we took the ferry over to the West Bank and went to one of the coolest bars in the world, The Crown and Anchor.

Okay, there’s some kind of beer there that he wanted to try that’s supposed to be good – I’m not into beer, so I don’t remember. I’ll let you all know the kind if it ends up coming to me.  In any event, it was kind of bittersweet because we were having some tense moments. We had dinner at the Melting Pot later that evening, and I wanted to make love but he didn’t. So we didn’t. I can’t say the reason as it’s very private, but I’ll point out that the reason was very hurtful and painful for me.

So, we got back home and at the airport when we were parting, I asked him if he was still coming in the next week or so for my birthday weekend as we planned.  He said no, he didn’t think it was a good idea. I was crushed, because he promised me. I still gave him a pleasant goodbye, hugged him, and let him know that I loved him. I’m happy to report that he changed his mind and he celebrated my birthday with me the entire weekend….that’s the next post.

I have to say that going back to proofread this made me feel so happy, especially the Chapel Hill part.  We had…really good times.  See you tonight. Quote:

“I love you. And that means that I don’t care about all that ‘other stuff’. I just love you and I love being with you; that’s all that matters to me, period.” Sam to The MIC.

R e f l e c t i o n.

Last night was Love Letter 15, which is the half-way point of this thirty day series.

I’ve actually learned a little more about myself through these writings, and, interestingly, I have some new perspectives about this relationship.  I wanted to take tonight to reflect on the past 15 posts before writing the next one, and thought my readers should do the same.

Keep the statements and questions coming – some of them actually help me, believe it or not.

So…..Enjoy the first 15 posts tonight and tomorrow- it was nice to go through them and read them all and also nice that the fifteenth post ended on Valentine’s Day. It was a good day.

Post 17 is going to be a REALLY good one, so stay tuned!

See you tomorrow night, and remember, reflection is good for the soul.  Happy reading!

It was MIC’s birthday and I went to see him even though we decided to slow things down a bit.  When I got to his apartment, he was acting…..weird.  And then we got into another round of, “let’s not see each other anymore”. This time, he seemed extremely adamant about it  - he was so serious, he actually left me at his place and went somewhere else while I took a nap to prepare for my drive back home. Before he left, I made sure to tell him some things that were on my mind that I think he needed to hear.  Coming from me, I’m sure they seemed biased, but at the end of it all, it was the right thing to do, and I’m glad I said what I did.

After I left, I was resigned to follow his lead and step back.  But then he sent me a letter saying how ambivalent he was feeling about not seeing me anymore, and I empathized with him – I understood because I was feeling the same way. It took a few days for us to sort everything out, but we both managed to get out of the rut we were in and ended up feeling better about the situation.  A few days after that, I went to see him and he started to flake on me while I was driving. I was pissed.  But I decided to go anyway and just stay at a hotel. In the morning, he surprised me by showing up where I was staying at 6AM.  I didn’t believe he was really outside, so I said, “Find my car and read my plate number.” And he gave me the correct number – I was so happy. He came in, we devoured each other all morning until noon. And then we had lunch and we had a good talk. Maybe people reading this will think I’m crazy because I kept going back to someone who was behaving like they didn’t know what they wanted.  I’m woman enough to say that sometimes, I acted that way, too. I’m also enlightened enough about the situation to know that he was confused and that I needed to allow him some time to sort out his thoughts and feelings. I needed to wait until he accepted where he was with me, I also needed to wait for him to be comfortable with where he was. And this time, I think he really was okay.  We made plans to spend the weekend together at my place in a few weeks.

About one week before Valentine’s Day, I spent the night at his apartment to collect on a huge bet he owed me. You, see, this was the year that the Giants won the Superbowl, and no one, including MIC, thought they would win…except SAM. Well, I won.  Big time.  And if he were to ever read this, he is the only one who knows exactly what I mean! We used to bet on games all the time and the stakes were always high. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve always dated men who love the exact same sports I do…it’s so nice to say, “Where are we going to watch World Cup?” and not get a “What the heck is THAT?” look that I get once in awhile. Some people think I’m a tomboy because I love football/soccer, (American) football, and basketball. But I was surrounded by men growing up so I didn’t have a choice when it came to t.v.! Lol. I didn’t enjoy it then but as I got older and became a goalie and a pitcher in high school (track in college), it grew on me.  I was also a cheerleader, but I actually didn’t enjoy that as much as I enjoyed playing sports.  Go figure. Maybe I AM a tomboy in heels! (smile).

A few weeks later, he came to my place and we had a wonderful time.  We went to the Kara Walker Exhibit, and then to dinner at the Bistro Chat Noir – his pick, so of course it was a great restaurant.

Where we had dinner.

We were the only ones there and we sat in the back for hours talking that night. Did I already say this was a great restaurant?  The food was delicious and their presentation very chic. I think one of us was supposed to sit in one of the chairs, but no, no, no – I sit as close to the MIC as possible! Whenever we are dining out and there’s a chair and a booth, I always join him in the booth – or I always make it a point to sit BESIDE him, not across from him.  Have any of you seen the movie, “Date Night”? Then you’ll know exactly what I mean; the married couple didn’t get why other couples would want to sit that way during dinner, but in the end, they finally “get it”.

We sat in the left corner all by ourselves....who says an empty restaurant is a bad thing?

This time, I was sad when he left because I was missing him already, not because I wasn’t seeing him again, and not because we were going through break-up number 42! Lol. I knew I’d see him again. And I did….on Valentine’s Day.

I made a reservation to have a spa day, and he said he’d come see me and spend the day with me for Valentine’s Day. I got to the resort the night before VD, and when I got there, I was walking down the hallway to my room and I smelt this very familiar scent.  When I got in the room, the exquisite smell was even stronger, and when I closed the door to my room, I saw a huge bouquet of my favorite flowers: Stargazer Lillies.

S t a r g a z e r s.

And he left a note for me – keeping the contents of that note private.  But, oh my goodness, how sweet, thoughtful, and romantic was that? Totally unexpected, and my heart just swelled with love for him and I marveled at how kind and gracious he could be at times. He was coming over early, so in the wee hours of the morning I got up, showered, and placed pink and red rose petals and votive candles all over the suite; then I lit the candles and turned off the lights. 

When he got there, well….it’s too x-rated! Let’s just say I was starving by the time lunch time came around. Before we left, I gave him a gift: an iPod. We went to the library and I helped him do some work….I rubbed his head, neck, and back while he read. I’m sure that the people who walked by us in the library thought to themselves, “Would those two just get a room?” It was the best Valentine’s Day ever, and I didn’t want our time to end.  But it did. It didn’t matter, though, because I was realizing that even though he wasn’t saying it, he loved me. And it was okay, he didn’t have to say it because he was showing it – more and more everyday.

See you tomorrow guys. Quote of the night:

“…Intimacy is one thing, but to not have you in my life in ANY capacity would be far worse.” Sam to The MIC.

We stopped trying to put distance between us after our time at the cabin. I think we both realized that we were attempting to make an effort at doing something that was clearly difficult for us and almost impossible. I had a big event coming up but I managed to get to see him before I left.  He did a huge favor for me that no other friend was willing to do – and it was something so simple, but it meant a lot to me. I hadn’t remembered it until today when I was going back to think about those days.

We were excited about another trip we were going to take together – this time, it was to the Big Easy. But I had to go on my own little trip out of the country first – for a charity I donate my time to for a few days every year. I ended up staying longer than I was supposed to. MIC emailed me and said, “Umm…..are you still coming?” I replied, “Of course I am!” Though it was really cutting it close for our trip because when I got back into the States, we were leaving the very next day. Not too bad, except…..they lost my luggage when I got back, and inside, it had about half of the clothes I needed for my Big Easy trip. This was a nightmare. Thankfully, someone was watching over my bag because it arrived safely on the next flight. Phew!

And, then, we were on a plane, sitting side by side, stealing kisses. And then we were in New Orleans. My very first trip there, so I was excited. We stayed at a B&B, and when we walked in, it was a “Wow” moment – it was beautiful.

Where we stayed.

Not your traditional B&B as where we stayed was a cottage on the property of the owners, who were very good to us and made us breakfast everyday. I mean – REALLY good breakfasts like frittatas, french toast with some kind of  specially crusted ends – always served outside on the patio.

Patio where we had breakfast every morning.

We were given orange juice, coffee and tea, newspapers, and then left alone. And then he would kiss me goodbye and be off to do some work, and I would be free to explore the city.

One evening after he left work, we went to a Hornets game. We had such a great time, and there was a little boy behind us, maybe about 8 years old – with his dad.  This little boy knew more about basketball than I did! Lol. He kept screaming out, “Come on!” “Foul!” “What are you doing?!” MIC and I were cracking up – this little boy was too much. I’m smiling right now remembering that – it was too cute. 

Two very interesting things happened while we were there. Once, we were laying down, just talking, and I blurted out, “I love you.” I didn’t mean to do that, but it was how I was feeling, so I just said it. He wasn’t very comfortable with me saying that, so I tried to make it less uncomfortable for him by explaining that I meant I loved him as a friend. It wasn’t a lie, that was true, too, but when I said it, I wasn’t talking about in a friendship kind of way. I don’t lie to him, but I bended the truth a little because I didn’t want him to feel weird around me.  That was okay to do , I think.

The other very interesting thing that happened is that we had a HUGE  fight.  It started out as a small fight about another woman I thought he was seeing, and it escalated into a huge fight – the more I thought about it, the more enraged I became because I was feeling used.  I was so out of there and started packing my things to leave. Like I did before at his apartment. He asked me not to leave as it was so late – it was after 1AM and he didn’t want us to part like that.  He was right, and I didn’t really want to leave, I just needed to get out and walk, so I’m glad he calmed me down. I told him all the reggae music I was hearing in the distance from a club down on Frenchmen Street was making me want to venture out and he said he’d come with me. And then, I really wasn’t angry anymore…how could I be? I couldn’t remain angry with someone who was willing to be my walking partner at 1AM! We went out and walked around, and then we came upon a strip club.

Walking down Bourbon Street at 2AM.

I wanted to go in. I didn’t think he would go in, but he did.  I’m so glad we did because it was just the kind of thing we needed after all that fighting and tension. We had such an awesome time in that place!

And then we went back to our little B&B retreat and I did my best to assault him and give him his very own private show.  He deserved it.

The front door of Sam and The MIC's Oasis.

And then we were back home, and I wasn’t going to see him for a while. But it wasn’t so much a sad departure as it was bittersweet. He was going to be doing some new things and it was going to interfere with “us”. It was okay though,  I supported him with what he needed to do. Don’t worry – no sad times ahead! Next up we celebrate birthdays, a renewed friendship, and Valentine’s Day.  Good stuff! See you all later tonight.

“No, silly, watching you look at the strippers doesn’t make me jealous at all. I l love watching you have a good time no matter what it is that you’re doing, as long as you’re happy.” Sam to The MIC.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am still sugary-happy over the last post.

After visiting the city of L O V E, we made one more stop in Europe. I am actually going to keep the location private.  Even though this blog is anonymous, some things I’d like to keep between HIM and I only.

I was bummed about the next stop because we were supposed to take a train there and the darn transportation system went on strike! One thing I did forget to mention about Paris: Once we found out about the strike, we went to change our train tickets.  Apparently, we ventured into a tiny bit of a rough section of Paris. As I was getting off of the train – with The MIC just in front of me, something hit me on my butt. And then it hit me harder again, this time closer to my back where I have back pain- but still near my butt.  I had an umbrella in my hand and turned around to attack my attacker, and it was this HUGE, Jolly Green Giant looking dude, with a Heineken in his hand, throwing out some derogatory French epithets, all while frothing at the mouth.  Clearly, the man was looney. MIC heard my “Owww!” scream and came right over.  He was trying to fight the Jolly Green Giant! I literally BEGGED him to let it go, and some people came around and explained that we were in a part of town where there is an asylum, and sometimes, they have “escapees”. Ah.  The lightbulb in my head turned on.  MIC was still mad, though.  I finally got him to walk away, and he explained why he was so angry – it was because of what The Giant was saying in French….apparently, I was right – the not-so-Jolly Giant was saying things that were malicious and defamatory. I won’t repeat what he said.  But I just kept looking up at HIM in awe….handsome, sexy, smart, putting it down in the bedroom, and on top of all of that….he defended me and my honor.  If there’s such a thing as a Prince Charming and a Knight-in-Shining-Armour, in my mind that’s exactly who he was in those days!

At the new European city we were in, I didn’t see much of him as he was on business, so I made myself busy.  I went to the zoo, shopping, out to eat, visited museums, and palaces; this town had so many palaces, it was unbelievable! I found myself wishing we were near Fairy Tale Road, the place in Germany where you can see the houses of Little Red Riding Hood, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, etc. I was walking to the train and saw some guys breakdancing in the street – I can’t believe people still do that!

Inside one of the many palaces I visited - notice the "tucked away" bed? (smile)

I got back to the hotel every evening exhausted.  I would rest for awhile, and then MIC would come in and handle his business.  It was great.  I ran into him in the elevator once when I got back and we acted like we didn’t know each other and then he squeezed my ass and got off without saying a word…isn’t he so much FUN? He was totally exhausted by the end of our last trip and I performed some trickery and was able to get him to sleep longer than he normally does – hopefully he appreciated me doing that! And then it was time to go home….time to say goodbye, once again. It was sad because we had promised that when we returned, we wouldn’t see each other for awhile.

And then…just about 2 weeks later, I was in D.C. visiting friends and he was….not too far away, about a 2 hour drive.  I suggested he  let me visit him, and he did. It was just for one night, and I got there very late. But let me tell you….we had a GREAT time.  It is way too erotic to write about here, but whatever was ailing me at the time, he fixed me right up.  It was a good visit – I ironed his shirt the next morning and he was out the door, with me not too far behind, back to D.C.

And then exactly 2 weeks after that, he suggested a time-out to a cabin by a lake as he needed some time away from the world.  I thought it was a great idea because I actually needed a little get-away myself. I picked him up and we were off for two days of bliss.  We went grocery shopping before we got to the cabin so that we wouldn’t have to leave. It was so peaceful there.  

We read, we wrote, we talked, we played scrabble, and we watched “Old Skool”, one of my favorite comedies. He even cooked for me – he made all of the meals, and he got me to try mussels for the first time after he taught me how to prepare and cook them. See? I told you guys that he always teaches me something whenever I’m with him. To my surprise, I actually liked the mussels. A lot. The best part of the cabin was the hot tub….this is another thing that is way too erotic for me to discuss here.  I can tell you that we put that hot tub to good use! Lol. And we never left the entire time we were there- I don’t think we used a computer, we barely had cell phone service, and there was no (cable) television…just us, for two days. 

And even though he hadn’t said, “I love you” to me since September 13th, I still loved him….I never told him that during those times, but I hope that deep down inside, he knew it because I did my best to show it when he allowed me to.

Tomorrow? Same bat time, same bat channel.  Quote of the night, “No matter what,  I will always remember all of these special moments we’ve shared together.” Sam to The MIC.

Who wears a dress with stiletto boots to take a train trip to Paris from London?

SAM!! Lol.

Worst mistake.  I know I looked cute, and I can tolerate heels for hours on end, but that was a no-no. At least for this journey, not FIVE  inch ones! Take note, ladies…be comfortable!

We sat across from each other, next to a mother and son. I kept glancing at the little boy because his eyes reminded me so much of HIS eyes. 

I was enjoying the view as we drove through the French country-side, thinking to myself how wonderful it was to be experiencing this with HIM.  By the time I turned around, we were pulling up into the station in Paris. Very funny story.  We get on the Metro in Paris to go to where we were staying, and he motions to me, but I don’t realize he’s about to get off.  Then I realize, “Oh, my God – he’s out on the platform and I’m still on the train, with no clue where we’re going!” I thought quickly, and I got off at the next stop and went back.  When I got off the train, I waited until most of it had disappeared into the tunnel, and there he was, standing in the same place, waiting for me with our bags. I smiled and turned to go to the other side of the platform. Although, getting lost in Paris couldn’t have been the worst thing, could it?

We got to the apartment where we were staying to drop off our things and we couldn’t get inside. Lol. After some time, he was finally able to open the door. Once inside, I dropped on the couch and he knelt in front of me, hugged me and then kissed me…really hard.  The kind of kiss that if I hadn’t put a stop to it, we would not have been able to get any dinner because everywhere would be closed! At this point, I think we both knew that any platonic situation we were attempting to have was done, and we accepted that. 

We left to find a place to eat, and he asked me if he could hold my hand. I took his hand in mine, squeezed it, and we walked together down the street hand in hand. We found a place to eat, and he actually got me to try escargots.  GOD KNOWS I only tried it because it was HIM asking me to, but really, they weren’t bad at all.

We got back and of course, everything you think could have happened, well…..happened. I kept thinking how beautiful the city was, and how truly romantic it was to stroll down the street arm in arm in such an awesome city with so much history, and I was doing it with someone whom I truly loved who was also my friend. Writing that just made me tear up a little!

OUR Metro de Paris Station (smile).

Part II

Our apartment building in Paris.

The next morning we had breakfast and then we parted ways for a few hours. I went shopping, shopping, shopping! All I bought was a pair of shoes, a blouse, and of course, souvenirs for friends and family back home; our money doesn’t do well against the Euros. I went and had some lunch at this really cool place just down the block from the apartment.

Cafe' where I had some "me-time" (lunch).

By the time I turned around, it was time to meet him at The Henri IV statue at Pont Neuf, so I finished the last of my Pinot Grigio (it was SO good!), paid, and jumped on the Metro. Taking the train in Europe is such a different experience than taking the train in the States, particularly, New York City.  I can’t decide if I feel that way because in Europe, I’m a tourist, and I call the States “home.” Hmmm.  Anyway, there he was, leaning over the fence (below) in his peach shirt that I once wore, waiting for me.  He waved at me and smiled – I reciprocated both.

Where he was waiting for me: Henri IV Statue.

We greeted each other with a kiss and walked towards the Seine River.  I can’t explain how wonderful this experience was for me.  It was almost like the movie I watched with him in Philadelphia, “Before Sunrise.” I have a post about that movie. Anyway, we walked along the Seine River bank and we talked.  I asked him about his lunch date, he asked me what I did, I teased him a little, we held hands, we walked, and we walked…it was, simply, wonderful.  And then we went to a cafe and sat outside, drinking wine…with the river in view. I was…falling in love with HIM all over again.  And, guess what?  This is where he got his name.  I promised you guys a name in the first post, didn’t I? His name is The MIC.  No, I can’t tell you what it means, but it is very well deserved and it’s his signature name (smile).

Watching a few Batobus' and Water Taxis go by, we held hands as we walked along the Seine River Bank.

Later on, something happened that made him sad and we went up in the loft bedroom. I held him and gently rubbed his back until he fell asleep. But, in the morning! Just thinking about it gives me shivers. You can’t stand in the loft as the ceiling is very short- maybe four feet or so.  We had some wicked foreplay and….all I can say is that I had my stiletto boots on and my heels were pressing against the ceiling…

The Bedroom Loft. Best place in the apartment! Lol.

I paid for it later on.  We decided to visit some places…Notre Dame, The Louvre. If you ever go to Paris, you need 2-3 days to explore The Louvre – it is massive! And filled with all kinds of interesting things.  Actually, I learned a few things from HIM due to that visit – things that I will always remember and am grateful to have gained the knowledge. But, then again, I always learn something from him every time we are together; he’s so intelligent and humble – he gets my sapiosexualness going! Lol.

The Louvre.

We walked and walked and walked all over The Louvre all afternoon, had lunch there, went back to see more, and we still had only covered about one quarter of it. Remember me saying that I was going to pay for that whole ceiling bit later on? I was in pain – my poor groin muscles were ACHING! But, I needn’t worry, because after we had dinner at a restaurant where the food was the absolute best that I had ever had- in my life,  he came came down from the top bunk and joined me in the bottom one just because I asked him to. He rubbed my tender groin muscles and then he put me to sleep.  It was a great day. And some day, I have to go back to that restaurant..and I will.

Steps going up to the loft.

I was having the absolute best sex, at least twice per day, in a beautiful, romantic city with a man that I loved.  Can’t do much better than that. See you tonight, guys. No quote for this one – none needed.

The reader asked me a series of really intriguing and thought provoking questions:

1. Why are you blogging about this past relationship?  What’s the point?

2. Do you still love the guy in the story?

3. If you still love him, do you want him back?

4. How is blogging about it affecting you?

5. If you don’t love him anymore and if he’s your ex, do you guys have any kind of communication/are you two still friends? Do you know if he’s happy? Married? Dating? Single?

Those questions gave me a “Wow” moment because they weren’t questions I was anticipating having to answer, so I didn’t give them any thought. Now that I have given them some thought, I think it would be good for me to share it with you all.

My answers:

1. I’m blogging about a past relationship because watching a show on television resurfaced some old thoughts and feelings.  While I was reflecting on them, I thought it would be good to blog about because it’s a great love story, at the time the story was happening, I thought it would be good to write about at some point in my life, and maybe the story could be a muse for someone. It’s that simple.

2.  I don’t think love ever really dies.  I’ve loved very few men in my life – 3 to be exact, and I still have genuine care for each one – I want them all to have good health – I want them all to be happy in life and in everything they do. Once you love someone, the love is like  a light switch that you can’t turn off and on at any given point and time. Yes, it’s a light that doesn’t ever shut off, but that light can transform  into a different kind of love if you embrace it. Although, there is one ex that I am always going to be in love with no matter what – there was no transformation.  At the end of my story, you will know who he is, and please remember I said I loved 3 men, so it doesn’t necessarily have to be the guy in the story. In other words, keep reading! Lol.

3. I think I answered this in number 2.

4. How is blogging about it affecting me. Great question.  It’s actually affecting me in a positive way, mostly.  I’m realizing the depth of care I had for another human being. On a bit of a sad note, it’s making me realize that no matter how much you may want and wish for something or may want with all of your heart something to work out positively, I realize that if there’s another person involved, they’ve got to want it as badly as you do in order for it to work out. So, if two people want to be together and make a conscious effort to stay together and be committed to making it work…if BOTH people do that, it will work out. And, to go back to the positive way, realizing the small sad part makes me even better at determining whether the person I’m dating has the same goals that I do. So, all in all, mostly positive all around.

5. No, I don’t see him, and we don’t speak. But, I do wish that was different – I do wish we were friends because good people aren’t easy to come by, especially as you get older.  So while that fact is always going to be a bit sad for me, he’s always a friend in my head, and because of that, I pray for him every single morning and night – faithfully.  Yes, I have knowledge about his level of happiness, and he IS happy. And I believe that he is either married, engaged, or in a very serious relationship. But even if I wasn’t 100% sure about whether he’s happy or not, I think I can say with a heck of a lot of confidence that after everything I know he’s been through, sadness is definitely a place where he will not tolerate living, therefore, he will do what it takes to be happy. And I’m glad that I can say that that is one thing I have always encouraged him to do for himself….and if he wasn’t and we were still friends, I’d spank him and force him to go get some happiness! Lol.

I’m glad someone asked these provoking questions.  Gave me some things to think about.  Please don’t hesitate to send me additional questions – if there’s a way I can answer them anonymously as I’ve done here, I WILL answer them, and I’m happy to answer them. Later, guys.

Hope you guys are having a groovy weekend! Has anyone seen Steve Harvey’s new movie “Act Like a Lady, Think like a Man”? If not, GO!! I didn’t think it would be that great, but I was cracking up the entire time; cheered me right up after the last gloomy Love Letter.

I met HIM at the airport and we had a nice dinner there before our take-off to London. We hadn’t seen each other in about 2 weeks, so it was good for us to sit down, catch-up, and reconnect.  He seemed a little different, but not in a bad way- even his hands looked…different.. As we sat there eating, I marveled at how much I missed my friend and wondered if he felt the same but I didn’t dare ask him.  Our journey was long, but enjoyable.  We talked, we slept, we played scrabble on my travel-scrabble board, I rubbed his back, we  read, we cuddled. Even though we were making an attempt at being as platonic as possible, one of the flight attendants noticed our innate connection; he asked, “Hey – do you two lovebirds want some pillows?” Simply amazing that even strangers were able to pick up on our vibe – even as we tried to “tone it down.”

We landed, we went to my hotel, we had lunch, followed by a little spat at lunch.  Totally my fault.  And then he had to go on a 1.5 day business trip.  As planned, I didn’t accompany him. But, I did accompany him to his train, and before he left, we stopped at a local bar for some British beer – as always, great conversation.  After he left, I wrote to him and apologized about our little lunch spat…I promised to make it up to him when he got back. I took advantage of my alone time by doing something I love: I went to afternoon tea at The Georgian Restaurant in Harrod’s. Hibiscus tea, scones, strawberry preserves – I was in heaven. Later on, I spent time with family at the bar downstairs in my hotel, which turns into somewhat of a mature lounge/club at night; good times.  When he came back, we went to a really cool Caribbean restaurant called Cottons in Islington.  This restaurant was a rare “Sam pick”. We had a great time and the food was good – authentic Caribbean food!  We laughed and talked over breaded shrimp, oxtails, and Haitian rum while the family a few seats down from us tended to a crying baby.  That baby was NOT happy – he cried most of the time we were there!  But we were able to have a good time, anyway.

Inside of Cottons Caribbean Restaurant in London.

On the way back to the hotel, we got lost trying to find the metro, and we ended up walking around.  I kept telling him to walk in front of me so I could check his butt out. Lol.  I think I made him blush. I DO like looking at his ass …very much, but it’s so tempting; I was THISclose to reaching out and squeezing it, but I behaved myself. Platonic. I had to keep reminding myself by repeating that word in my mind.  By the time we got back, we were tired and ready for bed.  This man, in his attempt to be platonic, tried to sleep on the floor. He is too much, he was actually laying on the floor!  I said, “Would you PLEASE get in the bed?  That’s ridiculous – you trying to sleep on the floor and there’s a bed in here! We’ve slept in a bed before without doing anything – come on up.” It took a little more convincing to get him to come on the bed. I was under the covers, and he said he’d sleep on top of the covers. Just very silly.  Of course I came on to him, and of course we BOTH ended up under the covers! No way was he going to sleep next to me and not be assaulted! Lol.  We were away from everything, in our own private world, so, why not? Besides, being that way- as close as we possibly could in every way, was natural for us. And…I think we both slept better as a result.

The Hoxton Hotel.

Yes, we were having a good time. And the best time was yet to come because now it was morning, and we were taking the train to Paris in just a few hours. I was so excited.

Next stop….wonderful, beautiful, romantic Paris.  See you guys tomorrow…quote of the night:

“You are the absolute best travel companion; I’m having such a great experience.  Thank you for allowing us to come together, but most of all, thank you for keeping your promise to me about the trip. I will never forget this.”  Sam to HIM.

This is…a very painful post to write. It’s about a fight and a break-up- and some other sad things. You guys never saw this coming after the last post, right? Well – neither did I, at the time. I want you all to know that I’m not sad NOW, but re-living those feelings today was pretty awful for me and made me cry.  However, maybe re-living that pain gives me the ability to tell you the story the way it should be told, and to help the reader understand my pain.

I went back to his apartment two days later. The first night was a little rough, but we ended it on a really nice note – we lived out a fantasy of his.  Now, don’t get any freaky ideas, it wasn’t like THAT! It was sweet. The next day is one of 3 days of which are permanently engraved in my mind. We were cuddling and having a conversation.  He wanted me to say that I was happy about something that wasn’t yet clear to me.  I couldn’t do that, it lead to a bad argument and I started packing my things to leave.  He asked me to stay but I was angry and I just needed to go somewhere and calm down – I really didn’t need to take my things with me…in hindsight, I made it much more dramatic than it needed to be – I should have just told him that I needed some air. But I didn’t. I took everything and I left. About 5 minutes later, when I had calmed down, I drove back. I sat in the parking lot and I called him.  He came out and we went to get some lunch and talk, then we went back to his place and I had some drinks – I felt uneasy, like something was going to happen. And something did happen…he changed. All of a sudden, the sweet guy I knew – the guy who loved me, didn’t seem like he loved me anymore.  He was distant, and not in a “I’m still angry” way – it was different. I brought up the job interview that I had scheduled; scheduled at his request because he wanted me physically closer to him, and while he was excited about it before I walked out earlier, this time when I brought it up he simply said, “Well, good luck.” I stared blankly.  Later that day, I had to drop him off and as he was getting out of my car he said, as he normally did when we were parting, “I love you.” And that was the last time I heard him say that. September 13th. In his defense, I know that my actions that day were wrong. He was going through something, and I decided that it was the time for me to throw a tantrum by walking out instead of being a supportive girlfriend when he REALLY needed me to step up and be that in every sense of the title. But my fears consumed me which lead to selfish choices, and so, I am the one responsible for damaging his trust in me.

Over the next few weeks our relationship took a different path, lead by HIM.  All of a sudden, he was telling me that he couldn’t see himself being in any kind of a relationship with anyone. Yet, he didn’t mind continuing physical intimacy.  I loved him, so I obliged him, plus….he was going through a lot of changes and making adjustments, so I felt that the right thing to do was to make allowances for him.  That made me put my own needs and desires to the side, but I was okay with that- I was happy to do that for him.  But then when he told me in early October, right before our planned Europe trip, that he was sorry for the things he said to me that lead me to believe that he was in love with me and that he wanted a relationship with me, I was devastated. And I realized that he had made a decision about something but wasn’t ready to tell me. He also told me that no matter what happened between us, that he hoped I wouldn’t hate him and that he always wanted me as a friend – I told him that friendship is our  foundation, so that will never, ever go away, that I would be his friend for life…no matter what.  He finally did admit to me what was going on with him, and he told me that he did not want to go to Europe anymore.  Sigh. Could things possibly get any worse? There were a few more hurtful things that were done and said that compounded my pain but I won’t re-live them here. Yet, none of those things stopped me from being his friend because he needed a friend at the time, and I promised him I would be there for him.  I even spent an entire week at his place – even though he was right there with me, he was mostly quiet and it made me feel very alone. I didn’t say anything, but inside, my heart was breaking. The worst part? I couldn’t fight for us as I had promised him because his actions/choices didn’t make allowances for me to fight.  Interestingly, I still wanted to go to Europe with him as a friend.  He was adamant about not going. I tried and tried to convince him that we could go as friends, but he didn’t believe we could be platonic, and because of that, in his mind, Europe was dead to him.

Eventually, after many conversations, he warmed back up to the idea of Europe, and after a few more discussions, we were back on schedule to go. My bags were already packed 2 weeks before our scheduled time to leave, so obviously, this made me happy. I didn’t care about the hurt or the pain I was going through, I just wanted to get away, and I wanted to get away with my best friend – I didn’t care if we were being romantic with each other or not.  I don’t think he knows how much going on that trip with him meant to me and how grateful I was and still am that he changed his mind.  I felt like it was a good way for us to permanently say goodbye to our relationship.  Next stop, London – that’s the next post. See you guys tomorrow night.  I promise I won’t cry and that the post will be better. Quote of the night:

“You’re right -  I AM the only one who really knows you! Know why? Because that’s how in synch we are with each other.” Sam to HIM.

Over the next 2-3 weeks, a lot of things happened with HIM. One of the things that was happening was he was making a decision about where to move. I did my best not to influence any of his choices as I was still new to his life.  Sometime during that period, I went to see his new apartment. It was so…cute; I loved it. After looking at his new place, he took me to dinner at an awesome restaurant on a lake – he’s so good at choosing the best places to eat which is why I always used to defer to him for where we would go. This place was so beautiful, I have to show it to you guys-you must click on the photo below this paragraph to see it bigger and see how beautiful this place was. During dinner, I discussed with him my fears again…I kept having that premonition about being hurt. And he did something so mean (it really wasn’t!) – he used words that I said to him and turned them back around on me.  He asked, “Didn’t you tell me that you believe that love is worth fighting for?” I answered, “Yes, I did say that – I do believe that.” He gave me his very serious, “I’m not kidding look” while peering down at me through his glasses and replied, very adamantly, “Then fight for me (he pointed to himself)….fight for US, Sam, because I’m worth you fighting for.” What could I say to that? He was right – he was worth fighting for…WE were worth it. So, I just shook my head in a “Yes” motion and said, “Okay, babe, you’re right. I will.” And, let me tell you, there were times that *I* fought VERY hard to live up to what he asked of me. There were also a few times when sadly, I felt like he didn’t fight as fearlessly and as fervently for me or the relationship as I did. Now that time has passed, I’ve adjusted the way I thought about this: maybe in that space and time, he couldn’t…maybe…just maybe….he did everything that he was capable of doing at that time…

The restaurant where we decided that we would fight for each other.
Click on it and see how beautiful it is.

We decided to take a trip to Philadelphia to see the King Tut Exhibit. If any one of  you know Philly, you’ll know that parking there is just as bad as New York City.  I had to park a distance from where we were staying, and he came and met me at the garage. He took my bag, hugged me,  then kissed me on my mouth and said, “You’re so pretty, I had forgotten how cute you are.” Some men just know how to say the right thing that makes a woman’s heart melt. And, of course, we had fun, savoring every moment we had together, whether it was: dinner, holding hands while either walking through the exhibit, and then talking while walking and holding hands back to the hotel at night with the Swann Fountain flowing beside us, or driving through the Mt. Airy and Chestnut Hill section. Our last night there, we went to an Italian restaurant…I actually chose this one, at his request. He must have rubbed off on me, because I chose a fabulous place! Lol. It was quiet, just the two of us alone in a huge white booth that was shaped like a heart, and of course, he asked me to wear a dress with heels and I was happy to oblige him. I chose another halter top dress – easy to remove, etc., etc.! Our food was delicious, the ambiance in there was totally romantic, we looked at each other, we laughed, we talked, we laughed some more, we cuddled, we shared dessert, we kissed. I squeezed and rubbed his thigh and his back, and this time, I DID play with him by rubbing my legs against his under the table- he looked at me with a knowing look, smiled, and joined me in the play. Another amazing date. Then we went back to our room and he took my dress off and firmly said, “Don’t take your heels off.” I shimmied my panties down my legs and then over my heels, he held me close and kissed me again and again….and again…before I knew it, my back was against the soft pillows on the bed, and he was…making love to me. With my heels still on. We were….so damn hot together. And for reasons that only he and I know, that night was extra-special.  We went to church the next day together, and it was the perfect way to end our time in the city of brotherly love.

The view from our room at night. It's awesome - click and see!

We didn’t get to do our Mini-Cooper test drive as we planned, but we did go shopping at Ikea on the way back to his place, which was fun. I left his house the next day and was right back 2 days later. We were spending so much time together that it felt odd to go back to email, but the quality of the time we spent allowed us to reach a level of comfort that takes months or even years for people to reach. At this point, I felt completely comfortable allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable with him.  And the best part? He was now signing his emails the same way I signed mine. He signed them,

“Love,

HIM”.

It was awesome. I was so in love and overjoyed that it was making me glow like being pregnant does to women – people who know me told me how much prettier I looked those days, and honestly, that really did happen. The love and relationship that I had always wanted but never thought I’d find was now present in my life in every way: a smart guy, check. Libido compatibility, check. And…could I be brutally honest as well as myself with him and still be accepted? Big check.

See you tomorrow night…but first, a quote:

“I don’t know who you’re seeing, but whoever he is, I like him and he’s good for you; he turned you from pretty to beautiful – keep it up!” Sam’s Grandma to Sam.

Sorry, guys – I wrote this last night and this morning I realize I forgot to click, “Publish”. Also, I’ve been realizing that 30 days is not enough time to cover the entire relationship…nowhere NEAR enough, so I’m going to have to speed things up a bit and do some consolidating, which means that sometimes, the nightly posts may be long.  Just preparing you all. And life may step in as I may do some traveling – I will still be posting, but it may be late; I promise that by 1AM EST, something will always be up.

After the morning of our great weekend, I had a dilemma on my hands.  Remember, I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship, and I certainly wasn’t trying to be in a situation where I was falling in love with a man because THAT feeling can complicate things.  Sometimes.  And sometimes, if the timing is right, loving someone can be the best thing.  In this case, it was going to be complicated for all kinds of reasons that begin with Sam. However, I was swept off of my feet.  Seriously.  But I didn’t want to be in that space.  I shared with him how I was feeling and he told me that he felt confused, too, but he didn’t want us to stop seeing each other. There was some back and forth exchange about this, and I decided, no.  This is too much, and I had a very strong premonition that I was going to end up being hurt.  I sent him a letter telling him that I can’t do this, it’s just too intense, and he accepted my decision. I didn’t want to lose contact with him, and I did want us to make an attempt at being platonic friends.  We had planned to see each other in about 3 weeks, but now the plans were up in the air. I sent him an email stating that I still wanted to see him so we could talk, and asked him if we could have lunch.  His answer literally shocked the hell out of me.  He was hard on me, but in a way that was very realistic, caring, and in a way that addressed my ambivalent feelings.  It was a letter telling me to man up to my feelings, what was going on, and to take a chance on him.  He doesn’t know this, but after that, every time we had a fight, I would re-read that letter and fall in love with him all over again. And, of course, I did take a chance on him; I agreed to continue seeing him.

I was at a business meeting and all suited up with no time to change and I didn’t want to be late so I took my assistant with me to go meet him. Pulling up to where he was gave me butterflies in my stomach, he looked so handsome standing there. And, then, there he was, in the car with me, running  some errands around town, and I was so….happy he was there, and happy I chose….HIM. When we got back to his place, he took out my overnight bag, and we walked inside together, holding hands.  Along the way, he stopped us, dead in our tracks, and he turned to me and kissed me with so much feeling behind it that he took my breath away. Inside, I wanted to talk, he didn’t. Lol. And we didn’t leave our haven until the next morning.

We had so much fun over those 3 days. I drove him to the train so he could go to work.  I met him after work and we went to an exhibit together, and the nights were….well, they were unbelievable. And, I did not realize that sex could get BETTER with him, but it did – it was simply amazing….to both of us, I think. One morning during pillow talk, I told him that I loved him. I wasn’t planning on saying that, it just came out while I was telling him how I was feeling.  I guess I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. And I really did, it didn’t matter to me if he felt the same way or said it back because his letter made me feel like it was okay for me to be where I was. It felt good to send him a text saying, “I love you” while he was at work. One night we went to a Portuguese restaurant and we had such a good time; I sat there in awe…I  couldn’t figure out what it is about “us” that made us just….click.  And, then, I thought, why does it matter?  I’m just going to enjoy this, and enjoy him, for as long as I can.  He was helping me hang something in my bathroom, and he asked me if we actually have a title at this point, was I his girlfriend? I hadn’t really thought about it, so I tossed it around in my mind for a few seconds, and it felt right, so I smiled at him and said, “Of course I am!” The morning we had to say goodbye, we had breakfast together, and before we ate, I asked him for his hands across the table.  And I said grace.  It felt right to do, because someone always used to tell me, “The family who prays together, stays together” and to me, he was becoming like MY family, and all the events surrounding how we met just felt very spiritual, like we were meant to be.

See you tomorrow night for the next post.  Quote of the night- something I said to HIM on our first anniversary, and it was 100% how I felt about him and the relationship:

“The most wonderful of all things in life is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a growing depth, beauty and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing; it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of divine accident, and the most wonderful of all things in life.”– Sir Hugh Walpole

This is how I felt....close to HIM.

I was both sad and happy driving back that night, and it seemed like the weather mirrored my feelings; it was pouring. I couldn’t stay with him that night because I had already planned to attend an event that my girlfriend was having before we planned this weekend and I didn’t want to cancel on her, and he didn’t encourage me to.  However, it was an outdoor event, and the possibility of her cancelling was looming.

We enjoyed a quiet evening with wine, crackers, and fruit.  We just relaxed, vegged out, and enjoyed each others’ company. I didn’t bring an overnight bag but I wanted to be comfortable, so he offered me his shirt. And I’ll never forget…it was a peach button-down shirt.  When I came out of the bathroom with nothing but his shirt on and saw him sitting in the couch, I knew I didn’t want to leave…I was going to disappoint my friend.  I asked him if he wanted me to stay, and he said, “Of course, but I don’t want to impose on your social life – you can always come back when you’re done.” But, it was raining hard, and we were so cozy, I didn’t want to leave him.  So, I called my friend, and….she said she was about to call me and tell me that because it was raining so hard, she cancelled! Yay! I put my cell phone away for good, and joined HIM on the couch. Somehow, he ended up laying on me, and I was running my hands through his hair (he’s got a GREAT head of hair), and we weren’t really speaking…I could hear the rain outside hitting the window, and I felt so calm, peaceful, comfortable, and happy with him.  I felt even more things, but I’m not sure how to articulate them. It’s a memory that I will always carry with me.

We eventually got up and retired to the bedroom…I can’t go into detail about what happened in there because this would be a pornographic blog if I did! But, that last night was so awesome, and I felt so connected to him that I didn’t need a glass of wine to let go of my inhibitions, I just let them all go.  I did and said things that women probably don’t do or say until about 6 months or more of dating, but, I didn’t want to hold back from him…he deserved my all, and that’s what I gave him.

In the morning, we went to breakfast at a famous deli a few blocks away, and of course, we had great conversation.  I even told him I wanted to see him with another woman! The thing is…I wasn’t kidding. In my entire life, I had never felt so good about a man that it made me want to give him all the pleasure that he could possibly have because it would give me pleasure to do that…I loved seeing him happy; it made ME happy. And it was still early, but I knew with every fiber of my being that we had something special between us. Something happened that caused his countenance and his aura to change, and I was weirded-out by it, but not necessarily worried; I kind of understood. When the time came for us to say goodbye, it was so, so sad. And as I walked to my car, I now consciously knew what I mentioned in Love Letter4-Prelude to a Weekend…I knew I was in trouble because I was falling….hard.

See you tomorrow – will be a rough post; very intense.  Quote of the evening:

“You’re a good man- don’t ever let anyone tell you different because I’m telling you, YOU ARE.  And, I miss you.” Sam to HIM.

He was already waiting for me at the bar having a glass of wine when I finally got there, and I was having an awful time finding parking as the restaurant didn’t offer valet. I told him this and he came outside to sit with me in the car and help me find a space. When he opened the door, he looked at me- up and down, smiled brightly, and said, “Wow, you look really nice.” There is no better compliment than when you take your time to get ready for a man and he acknowledges your effort. I smiled back, and inside, I was also beaming. And then he kissed me on the mouth and I started to get turned on…yes, just from that one closed mouth kiss…

Once we were inside, I stood to the side while he closed his tab at the bar. The hostess then lead us over to our table, followed by me, with HIM just behind me, and as we walked, I thought that he chose a wonderful place for dinner – aesthetically. I was hoping the food was as good as the restaurant looked. We sat, we conversed, we listened to the couple next to us and laughed with each other about what they were discussing. We had wine, I had a pasta dish, he had risotto (can you tell how great this date was? It’s been years and I remember what he had for dinner!). And the food matched the ambiance of the restaurant-probably the second best I’ve had; in an upcoming post I will tell you all about the night I experienced the most delicious food I ever had on a date with HIM. So, we ate, we talked some more, and we laughed and smiled with each other the entire evening. I wanted to play with him under the table, but wasn’t sure what he’d think about that, so I didn’t. We shared chocolate dessert which was also good, but which unfortunately, gave me a coughing spell. Sharing a meal with him, looking at him across the table from me still makes me smile today. I had a great time.  I have had dates since then, and some of them have been absolutely wonderful. But, I have to say that none of them, in all of their glory, have compared,  and this was and is…the best date I have ever had. So, I have to say it to HIM once again, “Thank you.”

My date was about to get better.

By the end of dinner, I had a little too much wine and he had to drive my car back to his place.  I don’t know why, but I found this to be quite funny. When we got inside, we didn’t really speak – he untied the bow at the nape of my dress and it fell to the ground….my panties ended up next to the dress, and we both ended up…

….very happy AND satisfied.

In the morning, we said goodbye – just for a few hours, until our “indoor” dinner later on. I drove away feeling a little sad because this was going to be our last night together…

Until tonight, I leave you all with another quote:

“No one is perfect, but every time I’m with you and it’s just us in our own world, no one can tell me that there isn’t such a thing as ‘the perfect guy‘, because that’s who you are to me and I take that with me when I have to go back to the world.” Sam to HIM.

Ironically, checking my email very early this AM, I came across something that I thought was cute, the title reminded me of this series, and it’s also a GREAT discount, so I decided to share it with you all – 2 nights for 2 people with breakfast for only $149 – I believe this is in LBI, New Jersey:
LOVE LETTERS and Leisure on the Shore . Too cute, isn’t it? A wonderful opportunity for you and the person you love (and/or crave! Lol) to create your very own private Love Letters!

Reminds me of Joe's song, "Let's make a love scene".

*I’ve been having some ambivalence about continuing to post in this series due to people asking about the relationship ending and saying they don’t want to read if the two of us don’t end up together. The thing is….I started this series saying HIM is an “ex” and that the relationship is a “past” relationship, remember? And that is exactly what he is to me. So, with that said, I’m going to toil on, and finish what I started. Saying that he is my ex doesn’t necessarily mean it ends poorly, right? The most important thing to take away from this is that it’s a story about feelings, about lust, and about the love I had for someone- please be patient with me and watch (read) it unfold, and remember, sometimes the process of getting to an end or a result is even better than the end/the result!

I was on time!

Driving down the street, just a few blocks away from him, I noticed the park to my left. I also noticed the cutest couple walking hand in hand, and they stopped in the middle of the street to kiss each other. I felt like that was a sign about how the evening would turn out. It was such a beautiful summer day – not too hot and humid, as this particular city is known to be – everything about that day seemed….perfect. Before I was done parking, he was by my car waiting and greeted me with a kiss.

I didn’t get dressed up since the plan was to stay in. The dinner menu was sushi. And, of course, what became our usual to have with dinner…wine. We talked for hours. We discussed in detail all of the things that we had been discussing over the phone and via email. I thought I would feel shy, but I didn’t, and it surprised me. I actually felt genuinely comfortable with him and about what could happen. But I needed to know that he was going to be okay with going down that road, if it came to that, which lead to some additional dialogue. After he reassured me that he was in a good place, I found myself in a similar position – the same one from THAT morning…kissing him like he’s dessert. But, this time, it felt even better – I felt like if this ends up going somewhere physically, I’m really going to be okay with it. So this time, when he reached under and caressed my back and it began to arch, I wasn’t afraid, and I didn’t try to run out of there. Instead…I touched him. I reciprocated and caressed his back. I rubbed and squeezed THAT ASS! Lol. And with my legs wrapped around his waist again, I pulled him in closer to me. And, then I had to leave.

Oh, don’t worry the story doesn’t end yet!

I had to go, I had to do something very important and he knew about it before hand. But it was already close to midnight and I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to come back. This time, I made up my mind that if I came back, I was staying, and I think he understood exactly what I meant when I asked, “Are you sure you want me to come back?” He did. So I ran my important errand and returned. This time, my Guess jeans hit the floor. My black silk panties, which tied into cute bows on each side were removed, one by one – by his teeth. Yes, this man is SEXY. Maybe my shirt was off, too, but at that point, I wasn’t thinking clearly, so I don’t really remember. What I DO remember, is experiencing “pleasure beyond measure” (I told HIM that I would use that line some day!), I remember being so comfortable with him that I was able to let my inhibitions go to the side that FIRST time, I remember being up until almost five in the morning and not caring that I should get some sleep because the waves of pleasure I was experiencing kept coming back….it was like Maxwell’s song, “Til the cops come knockin’”.

At some point in the morning, he left me for a little while, but I wasn’t very cognizant when he was leaving. I went to the bathroom and when I walked out, he had returned and was coming in the door. I smiled brightly at him and said, “Hi” while waving “hi” at the same time, and he smiled back at me…he looked exactly how I felt….so genuinely happy. I went back to lay down and when he came in, he did the sweetest, most unbelievable thing: he came in with a plate of breakfast that he made himself, and to this day, I remember him handing that plate over to me in bed, and I remember what the inside of that plate looked like…he had made me an omelette…it had spinach in it (it was some green vegetable), and it was surrounded by strawberries. Ladies….does this man know how to treat a woman? I was amazed…he did to me what Darius did to Nina in “Love Jones”, the movie – something I have ALWAYS secretly wanted a man to do for me, and he had never even watched it! He got it DOWN….down to even the damn breakfast! And it was GOOD – the man can cook! And, you know that I rewarded him after breakfast…well, I attempted to because it was now 10AM and I had to go!

Mental note as I drove away: He gave me one more great morning. And I listened to Maxwell’s “Urban Hang Suite” and the “Love Jones” CD in my car, smiling, my mind re-capping all the way home…

We planned to go out to dinner later that night, and tomorrow, I will tell you about the best date I ever had. Yes, to this day, that was the best date I have ever had. I’ll end tonight’s post with a quote – it’s something I said to HIM, and I may end all of the “Love Letters’” posts this way (I won’t be quoting HIM, because I don’t have his permission to do so); please note that this was not necessarily said on the day the prior events happened.

“You’re such an amazing man. Every time I think you’re so sweet and I can’t possibly like you anymore than I already do, you do or say something that makes the impossible, possible.” Sam to HIM.

The morning after the first night, we were already making plans for the next time we would get together. We had 2.5 weeks to go, and we were both anxious for that time to come, but it was nice to have some time to get to know one another better, and we used the time to our advantage.

We had several deep conversations via telephone, and we exchanged – at least…200 emails! Yes, I counted (smile). We discussed many things…I told him about my name Sam and how it came about, and how he is the only person outside of family who calls me that. He told me why that name is special to him. I told him how stressed I was about losing my job, and he listened. I listened to him vent about the things that were stressful for him, and I did my best to be as supportive as I could. And he gave me much advice, including writing advice, which is why I now blog…he told me to practice writing. I told him that I needed a vacation and he promised to take me on one at some point. I do have to say that digging out the letters revealed that he reneged on a hike and lunch picnic in Wissahickon Creek Park; I was actually looking forward to that! So if we ever meet again in life, HE OWES ME. Lol. We discussed going to the King Tut Exhibition together, too. But we mostly discussed how we felt.

We discussed how much we felt like we weren’t strangers. We shared our disappointments in life, and our hopes for the future. We discussed how much spending that night together meant to us….for reasons that were more than physical, though that was a reason, too…I was, at that point, VERY attracted to him, and I think I can say that he felt the same way. I had been with him already, at least 10 times, in my mind. The more we talked, the more we became comfortable, the more we became emotionally connected, and the more we were physically excited – but we didn’t discuss the physical part much…we didn’t have to because it was like a cloud surrounding us – it was just THERE. But, he was also going through something personal, and I wasn’t sure if the next time we saw one another was going to be the right time to consummate our feelings; I was concerned about him. He was such a good man and just an all around decent human being, so I wanted to do right by him, no matter what was to ever happen between us. To me, we could have stayed the way that we were without ever changing our dynamic because I truly enjoyed HIM as a person. Take away all of the material things, any educational achievements, and strip him down to nothing…..I just liked the essence of who he was. I missed him terribly and I barely knew him; I was in trouble and I didn’t even know it.

Meet me here – same time, same place tomorrow?
I leave you with a quote:
“If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it.” Tennessee Williams

Waking up together.

*Side note: I was worried about the accuracy of my memory in regards to this relationship, so this evening, I dug up some old letters to re-acquaint myself. Surprisingly, I think I have remembered quite a bit of it, but, I have to say…I was overwhelmed and blown away by the depth of the feelings that these two people had for each other, and I know it’s about me and I’m saying “these two people”, but I need to say it that way because I was attempting to look at it as if I was an outsider.  Again, totally floored by the depth of care – it was like reading a Harlequin Super-Romance combined with the lust and sensuality of the Zane novels. There was a lot of admiration, care, and respect between these two – I could actually feel it while I was reading, and I feel extra-inspired to write this evening.

I was saying how great the morning was.  It was great because I had the pleasure of waking up next to someone who I was really starting to like, and who was treating me with an enormous amount of consideration and respect. Interestingly, our dinner date was reversed, because, what normally happens after a good date is not what happened between us – it happened the next morning.  He kissed me.

And since I was already deciding that I liked him THAT way, I said what the hell, and decided I was going to kiss him back the way that I felt about him, so I wrapped my legs around his waist and locked them, wrapped my arms around his back and kissed him like he was my favorite chocolate dessert…it even took MY breath away.  And I continued to kiss him that way.  Yes, other things happened, but no, sorry to disappoint, we did not go down that road.  Not because I didn’t want to.  But when he started to kiss me back the way I was kissing him and my back started to arch – I knew I had to get out of there and think; I needed to decide if I really liked him, and if I did, would taking the next step be good for him? Would it be good for me? He was probably disappointed, but he was respectful about it.  So I started getting ready to go and he asked me to go to the bathroom. I said, “I don’t have to go.” He asked me again and I thought it was weird, but I went anyway.  When he told me to come out….OMG – he had glasses on. Now, THAT is a weakness of mine: a handsome, smart man in glasses? Right then and there, I knew it was just a matter of time before what we started would be finished!

We said our goodbyes and as I was driving home, I went in my purse, and I realized that he put something in there – while I was in the bathroom.  I don’t want to say what it was, but it was so, so sweet of him, and it was so endearing that I will never forget what he did, and it made me like him even more.

I decided then that he deserved something extra-nice from me for how nice he was treating me; I was seeing him again in 2.5 weeks – my plan was to give him what he deserved when that time came around.  That extra-nice thing may or may not be the next post because some interesting things happened within that 2.5 week period. See you tomorrow night.

I was late.

 I thought I left with enough time but the traffic was insane that night. By the time I reached him, he had already eaten dinner.  But, being the gentleman he is, he waited there for me so that I could have some dinner.  I said, “I’m only eating if you promise to share dessert with me, and it has to be something chocolate.” He laughed and gave me his word that he would.

I was finding that I really enjoyed being around him because we had such great, intimate conversations.  He trusted me to tell me about something he was going through, and my heart ached for him.  Seriously.  I barely knew him, yet somehow, I felt like I knew the essence of who he was. I listened to him and learned so much from him from our talk that night, and I had been right about his voice – he IS strong…he IS kind.  Far more generous than most men I had ever met, and I don’t mean monetarily.  And he showed me something that shocked the hell out of me that made me like him as a person even more, made me truly respect him as a man.  Sorry – can’t speak on that here – too private.  But it was very sweet and endearing.  I liked him.  But still not in THAT way.  Our talk was getting very serious by the time I was ready for chocolate dessert.  I asked, “Are you going to share it with me?” He answered, “Of course.” Our conversation changed from serious to giggly fun as we shared chocolate cake…and then there was just us, the restaurant was empty.  Time flies….

We left and I decided to stop at his place for a few minutes.  As we walked down the street together, I asked while laughing, “Hey – you’re not a serial killer, are you?”He answered, “No, are you?”  I felt like it was a question that I should have asked, not one that I NEEDED to ask, because, for some reason, I trusted him. And, yes, of course I checked out his ass again! Still looked like a great one to me – so I didn’t imagine it. Lol. I get really bad backaches and this was one of the nights when I had one.  And by the time we got to his place, I was exhausted, so he invited me to stay and gave me his bed – he insisted on sleeping on the couch because of my back. I said, “Well, let’s see. I don’t know if I feel right kicking you out of your bed- you’re too tall for the couch!” We kept talking, and ended up in a cuddly position as I was leaning on him and he was gently hugging me, but my back  was throbbing. And then he asked me if I wanted him to rub my back. I smiled. “Of course.” And he did…no funny business.  He has great hands – not just because he was rubbing my back, he really just has great hands – I used to love looking at them because they looked so strong. So when he was finished, he got up and went to sit on the couch and I laid out on the bed and kept talking with him, but he looked so uncomfortable…I said, “Look, just comer over here and sleep in your bed – I can’t kick you out of it.  But I’ll make a suggestion: if you promise to behave, we can lay here together.”  He gave his word that he’d be on his best behavior, and we lay there, my head resting on the left side of his chest, his left arm around my shoulder…in the dark…softly talking to each other until we fell asleep.

No, nothing happened.  And he didn’t even try – he was a perfect gentleman.  When I woke up and realized that I didn’t get rubbed on or felt up on and that we just held each other and slept that way, my feelings started to change.  I guess my body recognized that subconsciously, because when I woke up, I noticed I had my legs intertwined with his.  It was an early morning with the sun shining in on us that I will always remember…it was a GREAT morning.

Tomorrow night, I’ll tell you what made my morning so awesome.

I’m excited to introduce a new series on my blog called “Love Letters” about a relationship I was in.  By the end of the series, you’ll understand why it deserved to be in print.  I hope you enjoy it.

I met him online. I wasn’t really into meeting anyone at the time other than genuine companionship as I had many things going on in my life at the time – I had recently lost a job due to lay-offs and was devastated by the turn of events.  A relationship was not the furthest thing from my mind, it was not on my mind at all!  And I had broken up with someone a few months before so I recognized the need to be single for a little while.

The first thing I noticed was his writing. It was impeccable. Big, big plus. He was vague and cautious, but friendly.  In a world of a dozen emails I had received, I really only liked his emails.  Well, there was one other, and he turned out to be a complete weirdo when we met at a local coffee shop so that was the end of that. So the man I decided to converse with via email had my attention when I wasn’t job hunting or making an attempt to start a new business.  He sent me a photo, and although he wasn’t my type, he was definitely handsome. And then we talked on the phone. The only way that I can describe his voice is to say that I loved it; he sounded strong and confident, yet kind at the same time. The entire conversation I kept thinking, “I gotta tell him he needs to get into voice-overs!” We decided to meet each other after speaking (mainly via email) for about 2 weeks.

When the weekend we planned to meet came up, I began to want to bail.  I mean, the last guy ended up being a creep, so I just was not inclined to have that happen a second time. I cancelled on him the first night.  The second night, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her boyfriend – right in front of me, and it was pretty bad so I had to stay with her.  The third night, we did finally meet, but not without yet another complication/delay.  Interestingly, my ex whom I had broken up with just 4 months prior called me and wanted to meet for lunch.  I obliged him- I did still care about him and he’s a great guy; obviously, it was a very amicable break-up.  I don’t understand men sometimes – it’s almost like they can smell when you’re moving on and they come back to cause chaos after you’ve spent the past…whatever amount of time….trying to create a good relationship with them.  I was not impressed, I just wanted to go meet the guy who I cancelled on – twice now.  While my ex was driving me to where I left my car, he unexpectedly gets on the highway.  I ask him where he’s going. He tells me to his mother’s house. Interesting, isn’t it? Especially because I’ve never met his mother! I say, “Hey – I can’t go up to that part of town – I have to be somewhere.”  He says, “It won’t take long – promise.” I give him a pouty face and he just laughs and keeps driving on the highway. Ugh. Men. Lol.

I finally make it back into town – late at this point – but I finally get to meet HIM. I guess I have to give him a name, huh?  I’ll think about a name. So….I meet him – and I’m now sick, having eaten a bad slice of pizza.  He greets me by my car, and he looks just like his photo, but better in person.  We decide to walk over to a bar for drinks and I say, “Not too far with these heels or I’ll have to get my flats out of the car!”  He smiles at me and tells me he likes the heels I have on so we won’t walk too far. He’s so….calm. I like it. So, we’re walking and he’s a few steps ahead of me as he’s tall and I get to check his butt out.  Okay, may I just say this: the man has a GREAT ass.  Seriously.  I wanted to reach out and spank it! Lol. Anyway, we get to the bar, and I order ginger ale because my stomach is a mess.  We keep talking – our conversation walking over was light, but it flowed naturally. Now he’s sitting across from me and I’m thinking, “He’s really nice looking, but so not my type.”  But I love our conversation – we discussed so many things – places we’ve lived in, some colleges, and he even knew about Caribbean culture, which gave him at least 10K cool points in my mind – I was impressed.  The man was super-smart – I mean, the kind of smart that gets this sapiosexual chica going.  But…I’m not interested in him in “that way” for some reason.  I definitely want him as a friend, though- he seems…..way cool. And, he wouldn’t tell me where he worked! I loved the air of mystery; he was definitely intriguing. Again, he is cautious, but he’s friendly. We ended the night with him walking me back to my car and we made plans to have dinner the next night. And, he didn’t try anything funny. He was a gentleman the entire night and I started feeling bad that I flaked on him the first night. I promised myself I would not be late for dinner with him tomorrow; I did not want him to have to wait for me because he’s the kind of guy you don’t show up late for. Just to reiterate, I’m not interested in him other than friendship, but he sure has a slappable ass!

See you tomorrow evening for our dinner date post.  And maybe I’ll have a name for HIM. (smile)