When I was a young girl I dreamt of having an eternal marriage. One day I would be in the celestial room kneeling across the altar, looking at the love of my life. We would see each other in the reflection of the mirrors as we were sealed to each other for time and all eternity. This man would cherish me and love me unconditionally, as I would him. He would be my best friend—someone I could trust. We would share all our joys, our hurts and pains, and the desires of our hearts. Most importantly, he would be faithful and true to me forever.

As I said, this was my dream. But I really never thought it would come true. Before I was even old enough to know what it was, I had lost my most important possession—my virginity. For most of my childhood I had been sexually abused and I felt so much shame. I knew how unclean I was, how inadequate to be a man’s wife. Who could ever love me if they knew? I was a broken and unhealthy young woman.

I dated quite a bit. One young man was very special to me, but I never felt worthy enough for him. How could I ever tell him the truth? While he was on his mission, I made bad choices that confirmed I was not worthy. Getting drunk one night led to getting pregnant by a man who was not LDS. My dream of an eternal marriage was shattered by my sin.

We married and my husband was baptized our first year of marriage. We both desired to be married in the Temple and worked to become worthy. Our second daughter died of SIDS and we desperately wanted to be sealed together as a family. After we obtained our much sought after Temple recommend we were married in the Salt Lake Temple. As the years passed, my husband started questioning his faith in Mormonism. Much to my dismay, he left the Church. Then I found out he had been unfaithful to me. We separated and my girls and I moved to a new State and a new Ward. The desire of my heart was to be forgiven and cleansed of my sins. I clung to the words of my prophet Spencer Kimball about how to gain this forgiveness. (If you would like to read about this, read my post titled “God Doesn’t Lie—You Have Been Forgiven”)

After I left the Church, my husband and I reconciled. He promised he would be faithful and true to me and I trusted him. Over the next several years, he often broke this promise. My heart ached every time he cheated on me, but I always took him back. Deep inside I felt that the reason he was intimate with other women was because there was something wrong with me–because I had been sexually abused. Finally, after a rocky 14 years together, he left me for good. I vowed never to trust another man. I turned to other things I loved—my daughters, my artwork, college classes and gardening. But no matter what I did, I was still alone with the guilt and shame of my sins. I knew I was unworthy, unlovable and unfit.

Amazingly when I was 36, I met the man of my dreams! He knew everything about me—all my life of shame and sinfulness. Despite how unworthy I was, He still loved and cherished me! Nothing I had ever done mattered to Him. His love was unconditional. Even though I had vowed never to marry again, I was so in love with Him that I couldn’t help myself! His name was Jesus and in 1994 I was sealed to Him for time and all eternity by Heavenly Father Himself (2 Corinthians 1:20-22). He had already proved His love for me by giving His life for me—washing me of my sin and guilt and making me the virgin I never really had the chance to be! Because of this, I knew I could trust Him and that He would be faithful to me forever.

When He chose me as His bride, He showered me with so many undeserved gifts. But the gift I have treasured most is the forgiveness won for me by His shed blood. His blood has made me clean! My life of shame was taken away the moment He chose me to be His bride. He even gave me my wedding garments! I sing with joy the words of the Prophet Isaiah “I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.” (Isaiah 61:10) The gift of His robe of righteousness cleansed me of all sin so I can dwell in the very presence of God!!

Having been given this amazing gift has changed my life drastically. One of those changes has been my desire to study God’s Word. I pour over the pages of the Bible, discovering the things that God wants to teach me. When I did a study on whether a marriage between a man and a woman will last into eternity, I found God’s truth. The only marriage relationship that will last beyond the grave is one with Jesus. Jesus Himself testified of this truth “For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven.” (Mark 12:25). This doesn’t mean that believing husbands and wives won’t be together for eternity. It just means that their relationship will not be as a man and wife. All believers will spend eternity together, in companionship with God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.

Another gift God gave me was the courage to marry again. Four years after I met Jesus, God brought into my life a wonderful Christian man of God who, amazingly, is also Christ’s bride. The Apostle John taught us in the book of Revelation that anyone who has been made righteous through Christ is His bride.

There is no earthly relationship that surpasses the love that Jesus has for you. He died for you and wants to shower you with His gift of righteousness. Please, join with the Apostle John as we shout “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.” (Revelation 19:7-9).

I was born and raised in a prominent Mormon family. All my life I have felt broken—not normal. I was sexually abused for most of my childhood and this abuse has left me with many emotional scars. Until my mid-twenties my life was one of confusion and fog. I knew I was not a willing participant in the abuse and yet I felt so much guilt and shame for what had happened to me. When I turned twenty, I got involved with the wrong crowd and started drinking. I committed sexual sins with someone I was dating, got pregnant and we married. My own sinfulness verified to me that I truly was filthy and unworthy. My struggles to earn forgiveness included many years of prayers and working through the steps of repentance. I felt so burdened down with guilt and shame. I couldn’t understand how I had committed these sins when everyone else I knew was so worthy. I became consumed with guilt and I needed forgiveness. The strongest desire of my heart was to be washed clean of my filthiness.

I once fasted for almost a week as I fervently poured over the pages of “The Miracle of Forgiveness“. Even though I read and re-read this book often, I only felt worse. I was plagued by President Kimball’s words on page 325 – “Your Heavenly Father has promised forgiveness upon total repentance and meeting all the requirements, but that forgiveness is not granted merely for the asking. There must be works – many works – and an all-out, total surrender, with a great humility and a ‘broken heart and a contrite spirit.’ It depends upon you whether or not you are forgiven, and when. It could be weeks, it could be years, it could be centuries before that happy day when you have the positive assurance that the Lord has forgiven you. That depends on your humility, your sincerity, your works, your attitudes.”

Finally, burdened with years of shame and guilt, I turned to my Bishop for help. Although I had confessed my sins to a previous bishop, I again confessed and then asked if I could be re-baptized. The sexual abuse had begun a few years before I was baptized and it continued for so many years afterward. I felt that if I could just be baptized again, I could have my sins washed away and I would be clean!

All my life my father had been a leader in the Church (he did not abuse me). He had taught me that Bishops have been given a special gift from God and could read a person’s heart. A week after confessing my sins, my Bishop told me that Heavenly Father had revealed to him that I was not really sincere in my search for forgiveness, and that I could not be re-baptized. I could not believe what I heard. I went home and then I realized: “I Could Not Believe What I Heard”! I knew that I was sincere. Being forgiven was the most important thing in my life! I realized that my bishop was a fake–he couldn’t read my heart! I realized that everything I had been taught all my life was false. My Mormon world came crashing down around me like a house of cards. All my life I had been living a lie. I could no longer live that lie, I had seen the truth, I had been set free! I asked to be excommunicated. I was so bitter and angry towards the Mormon Church that I moved three thousand miles to get away from Mormons and my family.

It was years before I learned the biblical truth of forgiveness. I thought I had been shown the truth and set free but it didn’t feel that way. I still lived in anguish under the burden of guilt and shame. I was no closer to forgiveness than when I was a Mormon. Today I realize that while I was set free of the Mormon Church, I was still a slave to my sins. I also realize that what I had thought was truth was just the knowledge that the Mormon Church was false; I was still ignorant of the truth. I didn’t know that my sins had already been forgiven.

Nine years later God sent into my life a six-year-old Christian neighbor who led me to His Word by persistently inviting me to her church. The father of that girl took me to hear a born-again biker give a talk about forgiveness. The Speaker asked those in the audience a question. He said: “Do you feel forgiven? ” In my heart of hearts, I knew I had not been forgiven. I didn’t feel I had done enough to pay for my life of sinfulness. This man interrupted my thoughts and said “You have been forgiven! It doesn’t matter whether you feel forgiven or not. God has promised you in the Bible that you are forgiven and He doesn’t lie!!! ”

I had never heard that message before. I so wanted to believe him, but I doubted his words. I went home and I turned to my old LDS KJV Bible and did my first real Bible study. I discovered that he told me the truth. In the Bible I read about God’s true Miracle of Forgiveness that comes through faith in Jesus’ blood! When I read the ultimate truth about forgiveness in God’s Word, I trusted in what Jesus did on my behalf. I now was free! This was Christ’s priceless gift to me. His miraculous power came over me and the burdens of shame and guilt that I had carried with me all my life were gone in an instant! This God was the only true God. I learned about Him in the Bible and He was in my heart, never to leave me and always to comfort me. I didn’t do anything to earn His forgiveness or His love; it was a complete gift; one that I didn’t deserve!

That was years ago and my life has completely changed. I now have the priceless treasure that I spent my whole life searching for—I have been washed clean through Christ’s blood! And, with this gift came the peace of God that transcends all understanding. God’s love and peace have melted my anger towards my abusers and the Mormon Church. I am so grateful to Jesus for His gift that I have given my life to Him. Out of love for God I follow His commands, but I know that the power to do anything good, all my works, comes from Jesus flowing through me. My purpose in life is to praise and glorify my Jesus! My favorite way to do that is by sharing His message of complete forgiveness with you! Heavenly Father has promised that all your sins are forgiven—and He doesn’t lie!! This is truth–it doesn’t matter how you feel! Please, don’t reject what Jesus did for you.

I read an article last Saturday at Mormontimes.com about Virginity Pledges. It stirred up some difficult memories for me which took me back to my childhood. I was sexually abused as a child. I don’t remember exactly how old I was when it first started, but it lasted for most of my childhood. I have memories of things happening before I entered first grade and I lost my virginity about the time I was baptized at the age of eight. Many things about my life of abuse are hard to explain with mere words. Inwardly, I spent years in a fog, simply struggling to survive. All my life I felt so much shame and guilt. I was unclean and impure. I was different than every person I knew. My heart’s desire was to be clean, pure and normal. Outwardly, no one would have suspected the emotional trauma I was going through. I hid my pain well by pretending to the world that I was a happy and normal Mormon girl.

At the age of twelve, I entered Mutual. My teacher was a very nice woman and made an effort to connect with the girls in her class. But one class stands out in my memory as very traumatic. Her Lesson focused on Chastity and how important it was for us to be morally clean. She told us that our most treasured possession was our virginity. She asked us to make a Pledge of Virginity and said that we should never do anything that compromised our most precious gift. For my ears, this was devastating. It was too late for me. I was already impure and had lost my virginity years before. Then, she told us something that I will never forget. She said that our virginity was so precious that if someone tried to take it away from us by force, we should kill ourselves to protect it. She said our virginity was more important to us than our life. These words cut through my heart like a knife. The abuse continued for a few more years and every time, in addition to the shame, I now felt guilt for not having the courage to take my life. My pain was devastating and my heart’s desire was to be free from guilt and shame.

About fifteen years later this was still my heart’s desire. I had come no closer to finding any relief from my pain. There was nothing more important to me than gaining forgiveness. My desire was to be clean and pure like everyone else I knew. It was then that I turned to a book written by my Prophet Spencer Kimball called “The Miracle of Forgiveness“. Here, I just knew I would find the answer to my pain. Instead, I found more guilt and a reinforcement of what my Mutual teacher had told me. I read: “Even in a forced contact such as rape or incest, the injured one is greatly outraged. If she has not cooperated and contributed to the foul deed, she is of course in a more favorable position. There is no condemnation where there is no voluntary participation. It is better to die in defending one’s virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle.”

My pain was so intense I would have committed suicide had I not had two little daughters who needed me. And, it was these two little girls that helped me to realize the abuse hadn’t been my fault. As their mother I could see that these little girls had no interest in sex. I started reading about sexually abused children and I learned that children are victims, not willing participants. I myself had survived each ordeal by trying to pretend it wasn’t happening to me. Surprisingly, realizing it wasn’t my fault did not release me from my feelings of guilt and shame. Maybe it was because of my Prophets words that it would have been better that I had died in defending my virtue. I still felt morally unclean and impure. I was a defective and broken woman who did not know how to become whole and clean.

A few years later I left the Mormon Church and about a year after that gave up on what I thought was Christianity in general. I pretended that my feelings of guilt and shame were gone, but they weren’t. I tried convincing myself that the God who created our world didn’t care about me or my pain. But I was wrong! And, I am so thankful that I was wrong. Jesus came and rescued me even though I had given up on Him. God sent a Christian into my life who told me that the God who created our world actually loved me! He didn’t care that I was broken and guilt ridden. This loving God led me to the truth and gave me the desire of my heart! He told me that through Jesus I was clean and pure! At thirty six years of age I learned that in God’s eyes, I was as pure and clean as a virgin! All because of Jesus! In fact, John the Beloved testified to me that everyone whose hope is in Jesus is as pure as Jesus himself! (1 John 3:3)

I have had lots of difficult things happen to me in my life but nothing has affected me more deeply than the sexual abuse. Today, even at fifty years of age I still struggle with emotional aftereffects from it. But, I praise the Lord that through Jesus’ blood I have been cleansed! My most treasured possession is the forgiveness of all my sins. I live my life devoted to my Savior who freely won it for me. And, I learned that my life is more precious to Him than my “virtue”. Now, my heart’s desire is to share what I have been given with you. If you were sexually abused and have had to sit through a Mutual class like I did, my heart goes out to you. If you don’t know how to become whole, trust in the fact that you’re Savior has made you clean and pure with His blood. “Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.”

Earlier today I read the Relief Society Lesson titled “Gaining Knowledge of Eternal Truths”. It’s evening now and I just got back from a Bible class at my Church. The Bible study was so awesome and I am so grateful to my Lord for opening my eyes and heart to the truth. We were studying a few passages in Corinthians about comparing God’s wisdom with man’s wisdom. The contrast of reading Joseph Smith’s words this morning with reading God’s Words tonight brings me such thankfulness and peace, and yet also turmoil. Joy washes over me because I am reminded that Jesus rescued me from believing in false teachings. But turmoil comes because I know that your eternal life hangs in the balance of testing the words of your prophets.

I am overwhelmed with my desire to share my faith with you. I know I am not the best writer, but oh do I wish to share my Jesus with you! Your Heavenly Father sent Him to rescue you from the life you now live. No matter how unworthy, unloved or unforgiven you feel; Jesus will rescue you. In fact, He already has! His entire purpose for coming to this earth was to pick you up out of your pain and give you all His love for eternity.

I don’t wish to offend, but I feel I must warn you about some things your prophet tells you in today’s lesson. Joseph claimed:

“A man is saved no faster than he gets knowledge…”

These words deny God’s truth that the simple faith of a small child is what saves us! Contrast Joseph’s words with Jesus’ words found in Matthew 18: “Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Now, Joseph’s whole quote with the words that disturbed me the most:
“A man is saved no faster than he gets knowledge, for if he does not get knowledge, he will be brought into captivity by some evil power in the other world, as evil spirits will have more knowledge, and consequently more power than many men who are on the earth.”

These words deny the power of God! These words are the words of someone who does not know the love and power of the Almighty God of Heaven and Earth! All of God’s children are completely protected from evil spirits by their Father in Heaven!! Contrast Joseph’s words with Jesus words found in John 10: “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: 28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. 29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”

Notice these words: My Father is greater than all. All, means all things, including evil spirits.

Please believe me when I tell you that it doesn’t matter how intelligent or sinful you are. You have been rescued from evil spirits. You have been rescued from your sinful life. With the simple faith of a child, trust that Jesus did everything for you and your Heavenly Father will safely hold you in His loving arms!

1. Falling into temptation

2. Trapped by many foolish desires

3. Pierced themselves with many sorrows

9 People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction.

love of money

9 But those who crave to be rich fall into temptation and a snare and into many foolish (useless, godless) and hurtful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction and inerasable perishing.

10 For the love of money is a root of all evils; it is through this craving that some have been led astray and have wandered from the faith an pierced themselves through with many acute [mental] pangs.

Matt 6: 33 states: Seek the Kingdom of God* above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. (NLT)

Well, this is it, the 100th post. It took me a little under a year to get here. Some people do that many posts in a month. Not me. I like to take my sweet, old time.

I’ve been thinking about how I would mark this blog milestone (You did know this is a blog milestone, right?). It’s popular among bloggers to post 100 things about themselves. I don’t really like that. For multiple reasons. Do I have 100 things to say about myself? Do I have 100 things I want to say about myself that I want the public to know? Does the public even want to read those 100 things in the first place? To all of the above I say a resounding, “No, please and thank you!”

I also considered giving something away to someone who leaves a comment, but, we all know that I like to make promises of giving stuff away and then never really follow through. You don’t hold me accountable people! (Oh, and Lindsay, I didn’t send the card, BUT, I’ll be sending me in less than a week! Will that do?)

So, instead of posting a laundry list of dirty laundry (the little voice inside my head warns me that what is recorded now will come back to haunt me in my presidential future, right Hillary?) or making promises I won’t keep, I’ll just say thanks, y’all for reading. I’ve enjoyed the blogging process so far and plan to keep on doing it. Even though this blog was born out of an idea to track a Yankee’s perspective on Southern life which then morphed into keeping track of home renovations and then to photo logging, I’ve comfortably settled into just writing whatever floats my boat. And people still read. Even more than when I had a “plan.” You like me, you really like me and for that I thank you!

(Oh, and I L-O-V-E olives- any and all, shape, size and color are of no consequence. They’re all good fruit to me and thus the little muses for my photo above. Plus, they’re part of a little side project I have going on, but I won’t talk about that for now.)

Hola, hola hola, tú y yo lo sabíamos!!! Qtal Girunners?

La present és per informar-vos d’un concert interessant que fan a Vic (sala Pasternak, c/ Manuel de Pedrolo nº 5) de música pop/indie. Crec que estarà bastant bé i és una bona manera de començar el cap de setmana.

http://www.myspace.com/loveoflesbian

Último aviso para salidas a Oporto, pasajerosssss aaaal treeeeeeen!!