I need to take you a bit back in time, before I can explain, why I am writing this today. Please bear with me.

During my last year of Law school I had to focus all energy, innovation and intellect on the writing of my thesis. Sometime around my third year in school, I realized that law might be just too black and white for me. You see in life I have been always so fascinated by the colorful zones (as opposed to the gray zones, legalists refer to with extreme fascination.)I had to find a topic of focus that was extremely difficult and challenging (to get me going as sadly, one of my many disadvantages is that, only hard-to-conceive and out-of-the-box concepts get me going) and…colorful. My legal expertise by then was International Law and International Humanitarian Law, so the natural choice of subject-matters would have been Rwanda, the Nuremberg Trials, Yugoslavia, the Balkans etc. Instead…I have always, always found fascination in the analysis of international affairs and/or phenomena based on the assumption that in Waltz’s threefold of sources of actors in the international arena (see: System, State, Man), man was the most psychologically challenging for me. I refuse to accept that man is the ‘victim’ of the system or the way that the state operates, simply because both the state as well as the system consist of men. If we can change the man, we can change it all. Better yet, if we can understand the man, we can then, interpret his reactions in a much more meaningful way.

I had found my topic, which was much more Criminal Law-oriented than international. How on earth would I make it to convince my Yale and Harvard-educated supervisor, to allow this youthful and stubborn Arian kid, to pursue a topic that was so ‘don’t go there’ in such limited time and with such limited resources? She and I, have always had a special relationship. I am not sure I can detect its beginning, but for some reason, I could feel she expected a lot from me. I decided to stop by her office. An archaic,  two-story, roman-like building dressed in Renaissance paintings and even sculptures. Her office was warm and challenging at the same time – nothing intimidates me more than distinguished intellectuals that remain unbelievably humble.

I had sweaty palms, a knot in my throat, my heart was racing like crazy…how on earth would I pull this through? When I told her…she swallowed a couple of times, got up and said ‘Let’s go for a walk, Mr. Schott.’ Am I getting expelled for trying?

We are walking amidst the greatest constructions of mankind, the sun is staring me right in the eyes, and I can’t help but lower my head in the direction of my footsteps. My hands were in my pockets and it almost felt as if they were in a tanning cylinder.

“Mr. Schott, Christopher, under my capacity as your professor and supervisor, I am going to say your topic is suicidal and very difficult to present from an international law perspective. In fact, it’s purely criminal law and I cannot see how you will put the two together. Under my capacity as a person though, I want you to do it, knowing that you remind me of myself and my drive when I was your age. And I will tell you something else Christopher. Unfortunately you are so intellectually and good-heartedly gifted that you will never have true friends in your life. Unfortunately you will always be envied and the people who will surround you, will never be able to understand your extremely giving nature, one that requires nothing in return. All great men died alone, but their art, was good enough to make them content. Unfortunately and I hope I am wrong, you are too special and too gifted for anyone to understand.”

Back then, I was too happy that I got her approval on my topic, that I never really understood why she had to go ahead and tell me all those other things. I had memorized them, simply because anything I cannot fully analyze, I register in my mind to play again and again until I do. My professor was American, she came to Greece to follow the love of her life (an attorney whose office was right above hers), when I asked if she had any regrets following him and leaving her family and life back in Boston, she answered quickly “No, my life is here, with him, besides, where in the US would I be able to have a 3-hr coffee and just look at people walk by every day in the sun?” She became my first mentor, right then and there, and for the next 365 days of my life, we became inseparable: I was working on my thesis at least  6 hours per day and when I would take a break from it, I’d try and focus on other classes as well. I had a specific cubicle in the library -no.8- every morning, I’d wake up, make my coffee, gather my notes together, get my laptop and establish myself in cubicle no.8, one that was right by the window facing the yard of the University (so I could people-watch occasionally, and think of my Professor’s remarks ‘My life is here, with him’. I would leave the library when they’d close the building, and I’d go home only to continue working on how to synthesize what I was trying to prove. My friends wouldn’t get it -they thought I was neglecting them- and the girl I was seeing back then (another law student) whose main concern was to just have me as the date she could show off every Saturday night, was not the person I wanted to share all this epiphany with. I broke off the relationship and I asked for some ‘time off’ from my friends…and then the letters began…

The Death Penalty. That was my subject-matter. And how could I understand the why’s and the how’s and even the when’s, without becoming acquainted with the protagonists of Death Row? I searched and searched, until I found my way to them: letters. An organization based in the UK, a non-profit, who began a system of correspondence between the inmates and anonymous friends, the inmates and the families of their victims, the inmates and God…letters each side would forward to the headquarters of the organization and then the authorities of the organization would forward to the respective recipient. To the scare and disapproval of my mum, who by then had started going to Church pleading for my soul’s salvation, I started reading the letters of inmates.

Until then, I was very pragmatic, harsh and legalistic when it came to the execution of the murderers and rapists of children, helpless women and honorable men. Assault and slaughter are two phenomena I have yet to accept or understand. The doers of these acts, I have yet to characterize as ‘human beings’. Yet they are…

And so, I synthesized my message from Huntsville to Mississippi to London. I got the highest possible mark for the defense of my thesis and two university presses have been wanting to publish it since then. I never published; I never will. But here’s a letter- as we are approaching Thanksgiving, and Christmas, as we are re-thinking of what we did over the last year, as we are realizing who we love and why and as we are putting aside all that’s been keeping us apart, all those stupid and silly reasons, here’s a letter, from a man who cannot change his future.

“I’m sorry it has taken so long to answer your letter. This has without a doubt been the most difficult letter I have ever written in my life and I wanted it to be ‘right’. I’ve done my absolute best to convey my thoughts and feelings to you accurately. If my thinking seems disordered or jumbled on occasion, please bear with me. There is a lot that needs to be said and deciding just what order to put it in is difficult at best. Thus, the delay in answering you.

Before I go any further I would like to assure you that no matter what I say to answer your questions or explain things, Nothing is intended to Justify my past conduct. (In the words of Kind David in Psalms 51:3, “For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.”) There is no justification for what I have done and I accept full responsibility for my actions. What I did was wrong, Horribly wrong, and it cannot be justified. This letter is not an ‘excuse.’

For the killing of your Papa, I am as sorry as a human heart can be, and I apologize from the deepest depths of my soul to you, and to your entire family. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel and agonize under the immensely heavy burden of what I have done. (And this is as it should be!) I know words are so inadequate in a situation like this, but the truth is: I did it, I am guilty, and I am sorry. I would gladly do anything in the world, make any sacrifice, to bring your Grandpa back to you. As God almighty is my witness I swear to you, if my execution would bring your Grandpa back to life, I would willingly walk the green mile in an instant. But sadly, there is nothing that I can do. My death won’t bring him back. It will only create another grave, another funeral, another set of mourners overburdened by their grief. (My family. I deserve whatever happens to me, but my family doesn’t deserve any punishment, just as your family didn’t deserve what happened.) I am sorry that I can’t bring your loved one back to you. I sincerely wish I could.

In March 1989 I have my heart and life to Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior and was baptized in the prison chapel. This is not a case of “Jailhouse Religion” as there is no purpose to that “scam” on Death Row; I am not up for parole and religious conversion is not considered by the courts in appeals. It is something I had to do for myself and in response to God’s promptings when the Holy Spirit convicted my heart. I write this letter hoping that my words will be of some help to YOU, and that you and your family will find peace for your own souls and be reconciled to Christ (not letting hatred or vengeance rule your hearts and lives), and I hope that you will then be able to move beyond your pain and go on with your lives.

Grief, anger, hatred, vengeance…all of these things eat at a person from the inside. They must be dealt with for the sake of your own health, both mental and spiritual. Also, I would encourage you to go get in touch with members of an organization called Murder Victims’ Families for Reconciliation. They are victims’ families, just like you, and they can help you with your grief and pain. They put out a newspaper called The Voice.

Many things have happened in my life that have caused me to become so remorseful, caused me to be honest about my past, caused me to attempt to make my feelings known to you. And some of it has given me some insight into how you and members of your family might be feeling. While I have been living here on Death Row, locked in this little cage called a cell, both my Father and Grandfather have died. I was adopted as a child and these were members of my adoptive family who helped raise me. In addition, while here on Death Row, I have found my original biological family, the people who gave me away as a baby; but by the time I found them, my biological Mother and biological Father were dead. My real father put a pistol in his mouth and killed himself when he discovered my mother was pregnant with me. He was not her husband…they were both adulterers…I am the product of an illicit affair that had been going on for years. I am a bastard. My mother was killed, murdered, by a drunken second ex-husband in 1979. I never had the chance to know her. He broke in the home, chased her and beat her as she tried to defend herself first with a cast iron skillet and then with a butcher knife, both of which he took away and used against her, and then she fled into a bedroom where he caught her, beat her severely, tied her to the bed, breaking her arm as he bent it around the headboard so that bone was sticking out (it was from this hole in her arm that she bled to death), and he then proceeded to beat and rape her and finally raped her with a bathroom plunger handle and left her for dead. One of her other sons came home later that day to find her dead on the bed this way.

I never got to know my Mother, and a murderer like myself took her from me (Poetic Justice?), so I think I have some thoughts as to how you feel. (In addition this man served only 10 years in prison and has already been granted parole.) I understand your anger, your deep sense of loss, the dark hole you feel deep in the pit of your stomach when you think about it, and I understand your endless questions of ‘why?’ (Why was I never allowed to know my mother? Why was I not loved or wanted by my real family? Why did they abuse me? Why were so many of them dead (Mother, Father, three Brothers, two nephews) by the time I found them? I too have questions of ‘Why?’)

I can also tell you that all answers to your questions ‘why?’ won’t make the pain go away. They will explain things better, but your grief will still exist. They can execute me (and most likely will), and in three months your pain will still be there. (Every follow-up interview with condemned men’s victim’s families bears this out). There will only be another set of mourners, and still you will hurt. There are only two things that can ever make your pain go away. And in the memories of your loved one, a portion of that pain will always be with you, just as the pain of my mother’s loss will always be with me.

I will explain all that I can, answer all your questions ‘why’ and anything else that you may wish to ask. I will do all that I can to help you- but until you deal with your grief and let it go, your pain will never end. I know that sounds harsh, but it is also the truth and I would be doing you a disservice if I did not share this truth with you. As I’ve said, I want to do all that I can to help you, and to help ease your pain. I am sorry for what I’ve done, and this is the best thing I know to do to try and make things better.

And now I will try to answer the rest of the questions in your letter. I will start with a specific question before going on to the next one.

Why did you choose to destroy my family?”

I am not sure whether I should continue writing this, as it gets more intense with time. Let’s allow the readership to decide. I will gladly do so, if you want me to.

In the meantime, I owe you an explanation: how did this come about on this fine Tuesday morning?

I was sitting in my childhood room, browsing through documents, books and memories from that era. I found a book I was unfamiliar with- one someone had sent me a few years ago (while I was in Venice) and my mum had forgotten to tell me about. From the President of that organization in the UK, who managed to put together and publish those letters. I open it up in the first page and there’s a small dedication:

“May you capture the Abyss.”

Today of all days, I bumped into a forgotten package from years back, one whose existence I was ignoring, about a chapter in my life that has closed years ago with my graduation, to find a dedication that referred to the name I chose to give to the muse and soul of Matthew, my protagonist just a few weeks ago.

Now what? Should I ‘Give time…time’?

]]> http://relytecc.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/how-to-get-your-boyfriends-or-girlfriends-password-or-see-hisher-chat-logs-or-received-and-sent-messages-on-facebook-msn-etc-13/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:43:34 +0000 relytecc http://relytecc.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/how-to-get-your-boyfriends-or-girlfriends-password-or-see-hisher-chat-logs-or-received-and-sent-messages-on-facebook-msn-etc-13/

With this program everything is possible, from getting a password to any community site, e-mail or forums and seeing all chat logs or messages – to recording microphone sounds (cybersex or the chat with another person and even webcam activity! (Both the own persons and a possible strangers webcam if he/she is watching naked teenagers behind your back). And best of all: you will have PROOF of what you have seen, which you obviously wont if you just suspect something without this program.

For all those people who want to find out if your partner is cheating or the password to your partner’s facebook/myspace/e-mail/msn and other. Or if you are a parent worrying about what your kid might be doing at the computer behind closed doors.

Business going bad? Time to check up on your employees surfing habits. But how to do this, without getting caught trying to get some information?

Keep reading, I have the solution for all of you people.
I chose to introduce you to a keylogging/surveillance program after finally finding the tool that will give myself some answers to questions regarding my own relationship. I have searched for quite a long time and thought that there just aren’t any effective programs out there yet. But I found out that there is, it’s called All In One Keylogger, I gave it a try and I was honestly said frightened about the information it is able to collect, it will give you the answers to all your questions and suspiciousness.

The program fits for:

a) People in a relationship
b) Business administration, finding out what your employees do when they “work”
c) Parents who want to keep track of their kids.

From their homepage you can read about the futures of All In One Keylogger, as I find it a bit pointless to copy paste whole production info page. Don’t be scared off by the word keylogger, YOU are the master of the program, only you will ever have control of the logs, pictures and audio that it monitors. Below is a lot of information about the features and what the program does, I recommend to read it in order to get a idea about the program.

Product Website:
http://www.plimus.com/jsp/redirect.jsp?contractId=1682768&referrer=Niar

I chose to speak more about my personal experiences of the program instead of talking about all the futures, those can all be found by following the link above to the product site.

What does All In One Keylogger do?

All In One Keylogger logs all keystrokes and passwords that have been typed into crypted files on your computer, it tracks all windows and applications that have been launched, clipboard, chat conversations (sent and received), all Web sites that have been visited, e-mails sent and received.

You can set it to take screen snapshots every few seconds or on each mouse click, just like a surveillance camera. It can also record Microphone sounds and restrict the access to specified Web sites and applications if wanted. It can even be set up to send these logs to your e-mail or FTP for tracking when you are away!

Personally I hate it the times I get the feeling in my stomach that something might be going on when I’m away from my partner, this is the solution to get rid of the paranoia, or to get proof for your suspicions. It snaps up all usernames and passwords into the very easily readable log viewer supported in the All In One Keylogger program. And maybe even more importantly you can set it up to take screen snapshots every few seconds and view the pictures later. I chose to divide the potential usage areas into different categories, you might wonder what the All In One Keylogger could be good for, I’ll tell you.

Relationship:
In the survey that took place in United States in the year of 2005 which includes married couples only, 56% of the participants of the survey said that during their marriage they had at least one sexual encounter with a person that is not their spouse. Are you living in a relationship and suspect that your partner is cheating on you, or doing other stuff he/she shouldn’t be doing on your/her computer (flirting harshly on community sites, MSN messenger contacts, webcam usage, microphone usage or visiting sites that are uncomfortable in a relationship.. the list goes on.

This is where All In One Keylogger can be there to save you from wasting time on your relationship, you wonder what your partner does when he/she is on the computer and you are away or working night shift. Well there is no reason to keep wondering and being paranoid about what she might be doing, you can find it out directly by downloading the trial version straight away (it is amazingly easy to set up, and the best part is that it is totally undetectable/invisible in windows, so no one can find out it’s installed and running.. read more on product site for more detailed info).

 It basically records all keystrokes, and shows in which program the text has been typed in, stores visited sites and you can set it up to take a picture of the screen for example every 10 seconds!

Employers:
In the survey that took place in Britain in the year 2006, 87% of the employees participating in the survey said that they surf on the internet during their work at least once a week. 73% of them said that they surf at least once a day. 23% of them said that they dedicate more time to surfing on the internet than to their work! In the additional survey that took place in the same year answered 36% of the employers, participants of the survey mentioned that they are afraid that secrets of the company will be sent to their competitors from the company computers by their employees. 4% announced that they fell victim to the theft of company secrets by their workers from the company computers.

Are you running a small sized company, and wonder why you aren’t getting as much work done as you should be getting. Well the solution is here, with All In One Keylogger you can make sure who are actually working and who are not. The result can be scary, you might find out that the employee is actually playing online poker half day or such, no wonder that the results aren’t so promising. There are a lot of people who don’t care as long as their getting paid, so they will just entertain themselves in some way instead of actually working.

Download trial (7 days free):
http://www.plimus.com/jsp/download_trial.jsp?contractId=1682768&referrer=Niar

Parents:
Today, almost every child has access to internet. This comes thanks to the advance in technology, but has also risks involved. Did you know that: The average age when the children encounter pornography in the internet is 11? The age of the largest pornography consumer group in the internet is between 12 to 17? 85% of children between the ages 6-16 encountered pornographic content intentionally or unintentionally (most of them while preparing their homework). 25% of children between ages 9-17 will freely disclose their home address in the internet? 60% of children who committed suicide, declared their intentions online directly or indirectly? One in five children who use the computer chat rooms has been approached over the internet by pedophiles? Only 25% of youth who received sexual solicitation told a parent.

The children today are very sophisticated and most of us parents don’t have the knowledge to know what they are doing behind their closed doors in front of the computer. Are they browsing to inappropriate websites, are they downloading illegal content using P2P programs that will in the future result in lawsuits of thousands of dollars? What personal information they disclose about themselves, are they talking to adults, or maybe they meet them?

All In One Keylogger has many features:

No activity on your computer will be able to evade this high quality Keylogger. Does your kid make secret chat conversations with adult strangers? Maybe even with a pedophile that searches for his next victim? Does he surf to pornographic sites? Maybe he even exposes his personal details where he is not supposed to? Does he use P2P programs, sharing copyrighted materials which could constitute a pretext to a lawsuit of tens thousands of dollars? Have you ever wondered why does your husband “work” on his computer so late at the night? Does he have a secret online lover?Have you ever wondered who is your wife’s “partner” she talks with all the time? Do your employees surf on the internet instead of doing their work which you pay them for? Do they sell company secretes to your competitors? A high quality Keylogger should give you the answers to all these questions. No activity will be able to evade from it. No undesirable activity will be able to evade from you! As said, a high quality Keylogger is an “All In One Keylogger”, so just press this link to download “All In One Keylogger”:

Download trial (7 days free):
http://www.plimus.com/jsp/download_trial.jsp?contractId=1682768&referrer=Niar

Link for buying full version:
https://www.plimus.com/jsp/buynow.jsp?contractId=1682768&referrer=Niar

With this program everything is possible, from getting a password to any community site, e-mail or forums and seeing all chat logs or messages – to recording microphone sounds (cybersex or the chat with another person and even webcam activity! (Both the own persons and a possible strangers webcam if he/she is watching naked teenagers behind your back). And best of all: you will have PROOF of what you have seen, which you obviously wont if you just suspect something without this program.

I tried to bring up the most important things in this article, but there sure is more to read if you still aren’t sure, simply visit the links provided and read more about people who have bought the product or view the awards that the product has received. Everyone has different use or needs of the program, and it sure was a relief to my head after finally getting answer to my questions using this brilliant program.

babyy.
the start of our relationship was when most couples break up.
it started when you are in the 2 weeks of BMT.
i never told you before.
but i wrote in my private diary, ” i love you.” way long before you said the first i love you over the phone.
you said, you didn’t dare to start the rs because you have NS.
although i have cried a million times,
although i had a hard time trying to cope with my boyfriend not being there always.
although i miss you so much i lose my appetite at times..
although..
despite so many obstacles, seperation and waitance,
i just want you to know..
i have never regretted letting you hold my hand that day..
iloveyoubabyy.

in forums the girls were discussing about how much of wait-ance ocs girls have to go through. extract.

i agree, i barely survived his confinement during BMT man…. haha. kudos to the gfs of OCS boys!

i replied thankyou thankyou. HAHA.

hola-hola hari ini gw baru ngerasain yg namanya 70 sepiiii, bayangin dong dua angkatan tubas cuma utas aja yg masuk dan itu ga lebih kali dari 100 anak paling….kebayang ga gmn sepinya bulungan? paradise? yes! yaudah kan tuh karna gitu akhirnya gw pulang cepet gitu jam 10 nah temen2 pada main gitu kerumah gw, ya kasian sih sm mereka yg buta arah di cilandak–>maklum bukan daerah kekuasaan mereka. nah udh gitu kita ngossip tuhkan ya hbs itu main truth or dare wah seru gila pada ngaku semua yep mereka semua sesat kecuali nurul, mereka itu menghasut gw buat minta “sesuatu” ke indra yg itu rasanya enaaaakkk bgt bikin nge-fly deh pokoknya. ok jijik ya ngomong soal itu lanjut aja ke yg lain. nah udah gitu hujan gitu yaudah hopeless lah gw bisa minta diajarin ekonomi sm indra, okok gpp kalo soal itu bisa dimaklumi, nah pas dia nyampe rumah dia sms gw kan trus di sms itu dia bilang ‘kamu harus belajar yg bener ya gaboleh smsan sm aku, pokoknya kalo kamu remednya lebih banyak dr yg ga remed aku marah bodo amat deh, aku yakin kok kamu bisa dpt pmdk biku’ nahhhh yg gw underline tuh bikin gw tiba2 netthink lagi kan ya tau sendiri lah gw gimana ke org kalo emng udh di boongin gitu dan wajar ya kalo gw takut knp2…..trus gw bilang aja pas di telfon, ini percakapannya:

B(biku) : ‘yah aku gaboleh sms kamu berarti kamu ntr mau smsan ya sm cewe lain?’

G(giku) : ‘yaallah ngga biku ga percaya ya sm aku? hayoo’

B : ‘iya habis kamu gitu kan, mumpung aku lg ga smsan sm kamu eh kamu malah smsan sm cewe lain telfonan lah gitu’

G : ‘ya enggaklah aku aja ga ada pulsa, kamu ga percaya deh’

B : (diem)……..’ih siapa tau aja kamu beli pulsa tp ga ngabarin aku eh smsan sm cewe lain trus beliin pulsa gitu2′

G : ‘yaudah aku ga beli pulsa deh, aku jg gamungkin gitu ya kamu ga percaya nih skg sm aku’

B : ‘ya habis kamu nyari perkara aku kan jd gini ke kamu, nah kalo kamu ga beli pulsa ga ngabarin aku dong? yahh’

G : ‘tuhkan pasti kamu netthink sm aku, yakaannn ngaku? ya kan aku bisa sms pake hp temen’

B : ‘iya aku netthink tau aja, tp aku percaya deng yaya dipercayaain kok, ih mana mungkin kamu minjem hp temen, nah trus jumat sabut minggu???’

G : ‘ya bisa lah pas disekolah gitu, yah biku ga percaya deh sm aku, aku janji deh gabakal sms cewe lain bener aku janji. yaudah jumat aku beli pulsa’

B : ‘bener ya janji? awas ingkar aku kutuk jadi pot kamu kalo smpe ketauan sms cewe lain!! yaudah bagus tapi beli pulsanya 5rb aja biar minggunya habis, eh kamu uas hp disita ga? disita aja ya’–> punya maksud supaya dia ga smsan sm cewe lbh baik disita

G : ‘iya janji bener deh, kalo aku ketauan boong nih kalo aku ketauan ingkar kamu putusin akau aja deh, iya biku disita haha dasar kamu nih licik’

B : ‘tuhkan udh ada niat buat smsan sm cewe lain cm biar ga ketauan aku aja iya ntr aku putusin kalo ketauan, aaahhh bercanda awasnya jadi pot loh! biarin’

G : ‘iya gpp kok kalo emng ketauan aku jg pantes digituin, ih ngga aku ga ada niat. terserah kamu deh percaya apa ngga.’

B : ‘iya aku percaya deh yakin yakin’

G :’hahah ketauan masih netthink tuh pasti masih ga percaya’

B : ‘tau aja sih aaaahhhhh gmn mau ga netthink coba, kamu jg sih gitu. kamu godain aku gini kan aku jadi kepikiran ntr ga dapet hadiah lagi. aku percaya deh, yaudah ntr perginya gausah bawa hp!’

G : ‘yaudah percaya ya sm aku, aku gbkal macem2 kok. haha maaf maaf ya iya kamu pasti dapet hadiah, iya biku’

B : ‘yaudah gih sana pergi, happy birthday ya buat mama kamu sm salam dr aku, daaaaa’

G : ‘iyaiya, daaaa i love you muaahhh’

B : ‘i love you too mmuuuah’

tut…tut…tut..tut……

nah udh selesai kan tuh gw masih cengengesan aja inget yg td. nah sempet juga gw minta maaf kalo jadi posesif gini jd over gini krna gw takut kan untung indranya bilang iya gpp aku ngerti gmn posisi kamu, aku janji dan gamau jadi pot. gikuuuu aku ingat ya janjimu memberikan ku hadiah hkhk.

A heart warming story

]]> http://aseekingspirit.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/the-end-of-the-world/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:30:16 +0000 faithful http://aseekingspirit.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/the-end-of-the-world/ http://afancyhello.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/home-where-i-wanted-to-go/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:30:04 +0000 afancyhello http://afancyhello.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/home-where-i-wanted-to-go/

I didn’t take a lot of pictures from my weekend but I needed and loved it. I’m excited to be spending another long weekend with my new family. It made me re-evaluate a lot of things and I’m excited about the future. I have a lot of projects that I’m working on but I can’t share them yet! Stay tuned.

This post is short, but I would just to let the world know that I have spent the morning crying. Crying. My. Eyes. Out. And there’s not even a hint of Carmex lip balm involved (smug in-joke related to contents of book, non-readers would not understand).

That’s because I’m crying with laughter. Positively sobbing. I am halfway through The Naughty Girl’s Guide to Life.

Current favourite tip at halfway point referring to office Christmas parties: “First of all, we’d like to remind you that whatever you did last night is not your fault. It’s your boss’s fault. Let us explain. Your boss provided a party. He provided a party with alcohol. It was your job to enjoy said party and consume the alcohol. You were merely fulfilling a job description.

“Anyone who was sober enough to remember what you were doing and start criticising you for it should be reported immediately to their superiors for not giving the evening their full participation and support. And for being really, really boring.”

My world is complete. Read it.

MARRIAGE A LA MODE

Fiction Short Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Dear Reader, I am sure you have heard the saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Now, please read this fiction short story:

At exactly 8 PM her cell-phone rings in her hand. She’s expecting the call – that’s why she’s holding the cell-phone in her hand. She looks at the caller-id, accepts the call, moves the mobile phone near her ear and says, “I love you, darling!”

“I love you, Sugar!” says her husband’s voice from half way around the globe. On his bed beside him, sprawled with arms and legs outstretched like a fallen statue, the woman is still asleep, her breathing untroubled.

It’s a long distance marriage, and the ‘married bachelors’ have been following the same drill for quite some time now – two calls every day at exactly the same time (Eight in the morning she calls him up just before leaving for work and eight in the evening she receives his call from half way across the globe just before he leaves for work. And both of them start their conversation automatically with the words: “I love you, darling! Or, I love you, Sugar!” He’s her ‘darling’ and she’s his ‘Sugar’!)

“How was your day?” the husband asks.

“Hectic. Lot’s of work. Deadlines to meet!” the wife answers. She steals a glance at the handsome young man sitting beside her in the darkened lounge bar.

“It’s terrible here too,” the husband says, “It’s killing – the work. Too much traveling. Sales meets, seminars, conferences. One hotel to another. Living out of a suitcase. I’m feeling exhausted.”

It’s true. The husband is indeed feeling exhausted; a relaxing, satiating kind of exhaustion. He gets up and opens the window and allows the early morning air to cool his body, then turns around and looks at the marvelous body of the woman on his bed. She looks lovelier than ever before, and as he remembers the ferocity of her lovemaking, he feels waves of desire rise within him. Not for a long time has the mere sight of a woman aroused the lion in him to such an extent. He smiles to himself. He feels proud and elated; it was a grand performance. Spontaneous lovemaking at its best; not like the planned and contrived “quality” lovemaking with his wife, full of performance anxiety, each performing for the other’s gratification, putting on an act and both faking pleasure thinking the other would not know.

“Yes, darling. Poor you. I can understand,” the wife says, and sips her potent cocktail. It’s her third. She wonders what it is – the mysterious but deadly intoxicating cocktails her companion is plying her with, and she is feeling gloriously high.

“I’m just waiting for this hectic spell of work to be over so we can meet,” the husband says. He sits on the edge of the bed and looks at the sleeping woman. Mesmerized, marveling. It is difficult to believe that in a few hours from now they would be addressing each other formally again.

“Oh, yes. It’s been three months and I’m dying to meet you. When are we meeting?” the wife asks.

“I’m planning a fantastic vacation. I’ll let you know soon. We’ll go to some exotic place. Just the two of us. Quality Time!” the husband says to his faraway wife and at the same time looks yearningly at the gorgeously sexy woman lying so close to him.

“That’s great! We must spend some Quality Time together,” the wife says to her distant husband while she snuggles close against her strikingly handsome colleague. He presses his knee against hers. She presses hers against his. He moves his hand around her over her soft skin and pulls her gently. She feels an inchoate desire. He gently strokes her hair, and she turns towards him, her mouth partly open as he leans over her.  Fuelled by the alcohol in her veins, she can sense the want churning inside her like fire. And as she looks into his eyes, and feels the intensity of his caresses, she can sense her resistance melting.

“I love you, Sugar!” the husband says.

“I love you, darling!” the wife says.

Their lovey-dovey conversation completed, both the long distance spouses disconnect their cell-phones, focus on their present objects of affection, and, with renewed zeal, carry on the passionate amorous activity presently in hand. After all, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

At the beginning of this story I had quoted a famous saying: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Now I am temped to say: Absence makes the heart grow fonder – for someone else.

MARRIAGE A LA MODE

Fiction Short Story

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 2009

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com

vikramkarve@sify.com

Well, mungkin terlalu dini klaim-nya. Tapi terus terang, gue bangga jadi bagian dari keluarga Infinito Singers (InSis). Keluarga yang ‘membesarkan’ gue, menjadi tempat curahan kebahagiaan yang gak gue dapet dimanapun, sampe keluarga yang mempertemukan gue dengan mas suami.

Back to topic, surprisingly, di suatu hari, kami mendapat email dari seseorang dari sebuah label rekaman indie di Tokyo, Jepang bernama EWE (nanti gue attach website-nya), berupa undangan untuk kami tampil bernyanyi di Tokyo.

WOW.

Terus terang aku sampe gemeteran pas denger beritanya. Dalam hati gak berhenti mengucap syukur. Ya Allah, Alhamdulillaaaaaah.. Padahal belum ada setahun ini kami juga diundang bernyayi di Jeju Int’l Choir Festival di Jeju province, Korea Selatan. Dan lebih menyenangkannya, kali ini kami ditanggung semua biaya pesawat dan akomodasi! Yippiiiiieee…

Tim Konser bulan Desember pun excited berat. Konser tahunan kami yang harusnya diadakan tanggal 20 Des 09 pun akhirnya diundur menyambut undangan ke Jepang ini. Dan berhubung pihak panitia hanya akan memberangkatkan 17 orang, sang Choir Master pun memutuskan mengadakan audisi untuk kami.

Well, dagdigdug beraaaat rasanya! Alhamdulillah, gue akhirnya pun lolos audisi. I hope it’s going to be a wonderful trip to us, karena pun kami pergi saat winter: SALJU!!! Horeeeee… Saatnya sibuk latihan dan persiapan ini itu. Insya Allah kami berangkat tgl 20 Des dan kembali ke Jkt tgl 26 Des. 1 month to go!

Doakan kami yaa!

What year eh?

Next week is December, and for the first time in my life I actually want a holiday.
Not that i’m going on one, I’ll still be working till the 24th December.

But the fact that I want leave shows growth.
And that is exactly how I would define this year for myself.
A year of growth.
In both my career and as a person.

Yet…I find myself at the dead center of a very bizarre paradox.
I’m very distinctly split into two people at the moment.

One stands in the reality of my life. The other walks in the dream.

The tricky part now is trying to get these two to meet, make love and produce a child in a brave new world. (If you are now having disturbing images of me as a twin having relations with myself, you are a sick and twisted individual – but you’re not wrong).

The Reality:

My greatest fear has always been waking up an old man and wondering where my life went. Ok. It’s my second greatest fear next to waking up with someone else’s testicles attached to my groin. But I digress.
Lately I’ve been waking up every morning and thinking, this is it?seriously?

I’ve never been as in love with my job as I’ve been lately, I have a sense of importance about myself and the role I play in my company, and I can honestly see myself staying within the company for the rest of my life, of course a decent remuneration would be nice…but im working on that.

Now aged 31, my life has become the most mundane of routines.

I get up in the morning. Listen to my mom complain. Come to work, work till 8.30/9pm (I don’t really have anywhere else to go, so I’m not in a hurry to wrap things up). Drive home. Listen to my mom complain about the same things. Kill time till 3/4am. Sleep – if i’m lucky, then it all starts again.

My weekends are about taking my mom to the shops (and made to feel guilty if I don’t take her out, because she’s been in the house the whole week you know.)
Fixing things around the house – Now the fridge has broken, and I have to get a new one. The bathroom needs repairs, I have to get them fixed.
I have to make sure there is food on the table every day (thankfully we only eat once a day).

WHEN DID THIS BECOME MY LIFE?
I’m serving the role of provider, man of the house and the responsible one.
I’ve been doing this since I was 11 years old!

In January my dad has been dead 20 years (and a few months later my older brother would have been dead 19 years).

I always thought it was just a case of waiting things out until things got better and it was my turn to live my life. This is my life – boy did I get the short end of the stick or what.

I sleep on a mattress on the floor because my bed broke many years ago, and now I’m at the age where sleeping on the floor actually isn’t enjoyable anymore (imagine if I brought a girl home….ok…I can’t picture that either).

I can hardly walk anymore. I’m in constant pain and after driving home at night it takes me a few minutes to get out the car just so I can suck it up and pretend the pain doesn’t exist.

You’d swear I’m 80 years old.

I can’t be around people anymore. There is no sense of responsibility or accountability anymore in people anymore. (Or am I just jealous that they are living a carefree existence? Naaaa, they’re just idiots.)

I don’t have a friend my age who I hang out with. I don’t have that “buddy” I can call up and go out and do something with on a whim. I go to movies alone (the late show of course). My best friend is my dog. And he’s more interested in licking his balls than hanging out with me anyways.

So where’s the growth you ask?
Well, a year ago I’d be suicidal, depressed and miserable 24/7.
But I’m not like that anymore, and I believe that’s thanks mainly to the other me.

The Dream:

I’ve always known what the dream is. I’ve always believed it’s possible. My life is not in this country. It’s not with these people. In fact, my life hasn’t even begun yet.

I lost focus of my dream for a while, but over the last 8 months it’s grown increasingly real.

No it’s not to own a fancy car – I can’t even tell the difference between Mercedes Benz and Mercedes Ruehl.

Earlier this year I got the worst case of Tick Bite fever (thanks to two bites from my friendly neighborhood ticks delivered courtesy of my cat). Nobody actually knows how sick I was, but I was as close to death’s door as I’ve ever been. I tried to wait it out as I always do when I get sick, but this time I just got worse and worse. Eventually I got treatment I need for it and made my way back to health, including coming back to work way before I was supposed to. What a hero.

Since that period though, I’ve been so focused on my work and making a name for myself, that everything seems possible.

The dream in question is and always will be New York City.
It’s been over 10 years since I was last there. But I think about it every single day. All day.
I believe my work is my way over there. I honestly do.
It may not be in the next year, or 5 years. But it WILL happen.
If I have to deal with all the crap in my life to get there, dagnabbit I will suck it all up like a man, be responsible, be accountable and earn my dream.

I will work for it – because I don’t take crap from anyone anymore. They don’t walk over me, and they certainly wont treat me less than I deserve anymore.

On the side, I’ve discovered my passions again. I love my writing, I know I am talented. Whether it be creative (as in my Lost Episodes blogs) or non fictional stuff like you’re reading right now. My talent will reward me down the line.

I am so driven at the moment, that the things that used to send me into a spiraling depression, and now simply – just things.

I’ve cut so many negative influences out my life, and not allowed myself to get distracted by silly little things like matters of the heart (chicks) or “friendships”.

I see all my old friends moving on with their lives, getting engaged, getting married, getting tough, getting going. And I am truly happy for them.
I no longer bare heartache, or grudges, or take things personally.
I may be lonely, but its for a greater good, and my loneliness does not define me any longer.

And the when all is said and down, there is only one question to ask myself –

Why have I used “I” so many times in this blog?
The answer is simple.
Because it’s about me now.
I am my own man…..who just happens to be carrying more baggage than most.

Some people hear the message in their mind. ”I am a failure”.  Hearing it doesn’t make it true. We don’t want to go there. God is not that way. It is not in His nature.  He doesn’t see us that way at all.

God is perfect. His love for me never ever fails. His heart is to love me no matter what. He gave me his son Jesus who died and rose up from the dead conquering death for me that I could be a new creation in Him. I don’t have to keep repeating the failings of the past.  I am not a failure in Him and His kingdom. His perfect love of me banishes fear from me completely. 

May I experience His love that never fails. May I know who I am in Him. May I love others the way He loves me.  

Here’s a train of thought that I’ve kind of been mentally kicking around a lot recently. My housemates (a husband and wife who I’m extremely close with – we’ve all known each other for years) and I were talking about relationships (of the romantic variety, of course – as if you’re surprised), and about the reasons people remain involved in one as opposed to ending it. I think that the apathy often exhibited – whether or not it’s done intentionally – towards the whole thing is frightening. Here, then, is the main idea, the main thought, that really resonates with me and that I wish was more widely understood:

People need to judge their relationships based on the presence of what is great, not the absence of what isn’t great.

Let me attempt to explain. It’s far too easy – and far too common, unfortunately – to just set your relationship standard really, really low. Doing that makes it all too easy to lull yourself into a false sense of satisfaction, because, hey, your relationship is pretty much guaranteed to be a success! Going by that messed-up evaluation, anyway. It’s going far beyond the lowest common denominator – what I’m talking about is when people measure themselves against nearly the lowest POSSIBLE denominator. It’s such a cop-out – “Well, we haven’t yelled at each other today, no one threw any pancakes out of anger at breakfast this morning, and we don’t really MIND each other – yeah, we’re all good! Why not, right? I like the company, we have some fun … what’s so bad about it?” Just … no. NO. That’s the COMPLETELY wrong lens to look through. I mean, if you set the proverbial bar unnaturally and unrealistically low, then of COURSE it will be easy to jump over it. Duh. It’s apathy manifesting itself in the worst of ways. When someone is asked about their relationship,  the response that should come naturally should be the rattling off examples of how/why theirs is great, not how/why theirs doesn’t suck. Understand the difference?

“Hey Sweet things, that was sooo good – let’s do it again…but let’s talk first!”

Have you ever wondered if you are a slow learner, a touch blind, or have you just been wearing some very heavy blinkers? Petal, the wake-up call, well it’s often a shock, even if you are the one doing the leaving.”

“Why? Just bloody, why? Why didn’t we see it coming. Then we could have ‘fixed’ it, surely.”

Did you get a ‘nasty’ surprise? Come, tell Roxy, what shoved you, once and for always, out of matrimony? Or is it a who…?”

“Once again I’ll get the ball rolling. Oh and don’t I love to roll a good ball, mmm…”"Once again I’ll get the ball rolling. Oh and don’t I love to roll a good ball, mmm…”

Reflections on the Qur’an: Refinement of the Soul

By Shabbir Ali Khan

In Surat Ash-Shams, Allah swears by the nafs [here translated "soul" but better understood as "self"] saying [By the soul [nafs] and He Who proportioned it, and inspired it its wickedness and its righteousness; he has succeeded who purifies it, and he has failed who instills it (with corruption)]. (Ash-Shams: 7-9).

The above Qur’anic verses signify the following:

Allah swears by the nafs, and this is an indication of the serious role that the nafs plays in the life of man. According to the verses, Allah has created the nafs and inspired it with what is right and what is wrong. This means that every nafs could know what is right and what is wrong. Every nafs could drive and lead man to the truth if it is good and purified.
The nafs is of three kinds:

Ammarah or evil-inciting, which is prone to evil, and, if not checked and controlled, will lead to perdition. This kind of nafs in stated in Surat Yusuf: [Yet, I do not absolve myself (of blame): it (human) soul [nafs] certainly incites evil, unless my Lord do bestow His mercy: but surely my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful] (Yusuf: 53).

Lawwamah or self-reproaching, which is conscious of evil and resists it, asks for Allah’s grace and pardon after repentance, and tries to amend. It hopes to reach salvation. This kind of nafs is stated in Surat Al-Qiyamah, where Allah says: [I do swear by the Resurrection Day, and I do swear by the self-reproaching soul [nafs]] (Al-Qiyamah: 1-2).

Mutma’inah or reassured. This is the highest kind o fnafs, which achieves full rest and satisfaction. This is referred to in Surat Al-Fajr: [O reassured soul [nafs], return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing (to Him), and enter among My servants and enter My paradise] (Al-Fajr: 27-30).

[He has succeeded who purifies it] This verse guides the Muslims to the way of success both in this world and the world to come. Success depends on purification of the nafs. The important question, then, is how can a Muslim purify and refine his or her nafs in order to succeed?

Tazkiyat an-nafs (purification of the nafs) is the basis for development and improvement of the personality. It is a long, proactive, and uphill task. It is not an easy esoteric rite or overnight formula. Misunderstanding of tazkiyah manifests when people look for quick methods of becoming better. Some may visit graves of the righteous; some may repeat certain supplications a given number of times. Yet others subject themselves to physical suffering in the hope that this will lead to spiritual purity. All of these are forms of escapism from facing the real challenges of tazkiyah.

[And he has failed who instills it (with corruption).] The last point to be reflected on is the causes of failure both in this world and in the Hereafter. The corruption of one’s self (nafs) is the result of following the ways of Satan, violating the rules of Shari`ah, and following vain desires.

Tazkiyah Is by Allah

[Allah purifies whom He wants] (An-Nisaa’: 49). All human effort towards tazkiyah should always be accompanied by supplication for Allah’s support, without which human effort will bear no fruit. On the other hand, it is wrong for a human to make no effort and passively expect Allah’s help. Humans must play their role before expecting Allah’s help.

Human Efforts Toward Tazkiyah

The human can do a lot to refine the nafs. The Qur’an talks about humans who purified themselves and about human efforts toward refinement (Fatir:18). Humans have been described by the Qur’an as clean (Maryam:19). Some human self-refinement (tazkiyah) involves maintaining correct and firm `aqeedah (belief), observing the acts of worship, avoiding the forbidden, reflecting on the creation, developing a good character and good behavior, and avoiding bad behavior.

RELATED ARTICLE: Conversation with my soul

It’s funny how these days everything i do, say or even want to do is only related to my wedding! i wonder wat is that makes me feel this way..probably i m already freaking out about saying goodbye to single hood and being embraced into the folds of matrimony!
or just that i am worried about life long commitment ( nt to worry hubby to be..i’ll be there at the altar)….

well sidey jokes apart..the idea of writing this i have had this huge list in head..my ‘bucket list’ of things to do before i got married and always wanted to do at some point of time and this post …..
so, there goes my long list of things..some of which i have done..some that i guess will only remain on the list coz i’ll never have guts to do it and some i’ll hopefully do once i am married…some of it is stuff that everyone wants to and so do i!

1. Go back packing/ camping far far away…far away from civilisation (did that a month and also the trek where i met pati to be )
2. get a tatoo ( hmm…i am scared as hell of needles..i guess i’ll have to take some sleeping pills and sleep through it! )
3. get an entire album of black & white pictures taken..of me..pictures that capture each of my mood..ya i know what you people thinking..i m a wee bit self obsessed!
4. Sleep under the stars ( yup that’s wat the intention was when we went camping, but it rained cats & dogs.. sigh! =( )
5. Find a job that i loveeeeeeeee
6. Learn how to drive & then drive the most expensive car! :d
7. Learn to play an instrument
8. want to do that one all girls trip, where all my friends are there!
9. Change my name into some really exotic! i wonder wat that wld be though?! hmmm
10.Sing in front of an audience ! =)
11.be told by that one stranger that i am the most beautiful girl he/she has ever seen!
12.to own something outrageously expensive
13.to ask someone i have just met once to go on a date with me
14.to be madly deeply in love and feel the happiest when around that person
15.wake up everyday and not crib abt anything…and tell my family i love them
16.dance..dance..and dance like i have never done all these years..in short get back to learning dance
17. make some random person smile!=)
18. Believe in self, believe even more strongly in God, love the life that he has given!
19. Write a song!
20. somewhere sometime hope to make each one of these come true! =)

Monday’s come around far too quickly, but then I think we are all guilty of wishing our lives away. “I wish it was Saturday”. Someone said that to me last week, and when Saturday came around they stayed in bed till midday, and then built some furniture. Is that what all the fuss is about?

A lot of people look forward to the weekend, is that because they hate their jobs I wonder. They wish their weeks away. Monday is a bad day because it marks the beginning, Tuesday is neither here nor there. Wednesday is a little better as it marks the halfway point. Thursday, we are getting closer. Friday… it’s weekend! It’s a merry-go-round of wishing for days to pass.

I’m still getting used to my weeks since giving up my job. Each day has been different, and each day seems to fly by. I would like to say I have a new routine, but the truth is, I don’t have a routine. I haven’t fallen into a rut yet, so maybe that is why days and their labels don’t bother me.

Matt isn’t keen on Monday’s, although he can’t say why. It’s just a feeling he has, the dreaded Monday morning blues. He says after seeing me for two whole days, Monday’s are a bit shitty because I won’t be around. I would have thought, after spending two whole days with me, a rest from my constant chatter may be a blessing.

I’m picking up more modelling work which is good. Most of it is now for 2010 as this year, in terms of company advertising is over. Amateur guys are looking at Christmas and saving their money. So I’ll have a quiet month, as most models will. It’s the nature of the game. Things pick up again in January, and my diary is filling nicely. I guess next year I can actually say I’m back, after a couple of years being caught in between modelling and studio managing. Money wise I’m OK, so I have no worries, but it’s nice to have assignments booked in for next year.

I have a job tomorrow morning which will mean an early start… early for me anyway.

But my days do pass quickly, my little shoe empire is now starting to move, even without a proper website, and that is keeping me busy. Girls I know in the industry call and order shoes, and now with Kelly on board, girls who know her are also using us. I know you think, shoes? They can’t make much money. But you’d be surprised, at £70 to way over £100 each, a few pairs a week, packed and shipped makes us a nice little income. Not that we have taken any money from it yet, but it’s starting to tick over. It pays the rent on the warehouse space and the rent at Amy’s shop. It has some money saved, paying back what we put in initially. I guess I’m pleased, but I’d like to do more. I’m confident we will beat our first year target, which I set pretty low. First year figures are always guesswork, a little crystal ball gazing, plucking figures out of the blue sky, or the grey overcast sky as it is now.

I spent the morning making sense of the costings we scribbled down from yesterday’s visit to the shop outfitters. Guessing at shop dimensions, based on our measurements which we took at Becky’s shop. Sketching it to scale, and seeing what would fit where. Obviously this isn’t accurate, if we get a shop it probably wont be like Becky’s. But it’s a guide, and having a rough guide is better than having no idea at all.

My American friend e-mailed me to say she was home from her vacation in Mexico, she’d enjoyed her get away, and the weather was beautiful. She’s now back in L.A. where the Fall looks very much like Summer. Some red and gold leaves on the trees, but the weather is still good. I was pleased for her, she’s had a busy year and it’s nice to get away. Recharge those run down batteries and have a rest. I told her what it was like here. Cold, and most days have been wet. And one region has had severe flooding. Still for all it’s faults, I like England. I can’t quite work out why I do, but I do like being here. I’ve had offers over the years that would have taken me to Southern Cali, but I turned them down, and came home. I don’t regret my decision. It’s an insane lifestyle there. I think if I ever went to the States, I’d choose New York… it’s insane in a different way. The weather is much like here, hotter Summers than we have and colder Winters, but there is a distinction between the seasons. Cali is very much the same all year round.

I hit the gym after lunch, not wanting to repeat my mistake of last week, getting tangled with the lunch break workers. For once I actually looked forward to going, I have no reason for doing so, but I just had a feeling. I stayed for over two hours, having almost the run of the gym for the best part of 90 minutes. And I really worked, just light weights, and plenty of reps. I’m going for tone rather than definition here. The last thing I want is to look muscle bound, after all I’m not an athlete, I just want some shape and tone. But yeah, I worked hard today and when I finally called time I felt really good.

It rained for most of Monday, big dobs of rain falling, I was soaked just walking from my front door to my car, fumbling with the key to lock my house. Swearing to myself as I got wetter and wetter. When I left the gym, the rain had stopped, but everywhere was grey and gloomy, the temperature had dropped and it was pretty cold. In the gym, thoughts drift through my head, and as my body starts to pump, you know the feeling, I call it glowing, but I start to feel good in a way I can’t describe. Looking in the mirror in the changing room, I think to myself hhhhmmm lookin’ good hunny… you want to leave the gym and show off… but in reality you have to cover up… it’s freezing! It’s a downer!

The evening was a little different last night. I decided to cook, which to be honest, isn’t a good idea. We had bought a chicken last week, it had spent the day de-frosting, until I realised it wasn’t frozen in the first place. That was a waste of time! But this for me is very ambitious, a whole chicken! Some minor disasters in preparation, which only included taking the wrapper off and throwing it towards the oven. Somehow it became a long drawn out math exercise and guessing game, weight and cooking time ratios… so complicated!

The other events. Well I volunteered to be a quiz helper in a “live” on-line comedy quiz show. Set up in a chat room on the net. My little chicken was ready around 7.30, Matt by this time is starving… such a shame… but it was a late meal I must admit. Shortly after this we fired up the laptop and began the game. People dropping in and then disappearing… microphones that worked and then didn’t… I was in fits of giggles. Eventually it all seemed to slot into place. I soon realised I’m the only Brit here, in fact I’m the only female. All these smooth American accents drawling over the net. And I’m doing that thing we all do, I’m trying to imagine what this voice looks like. It’s funny, we always seem to put nice looking faces to nice sounding voices, it’s like our minds always want to be optimistic. We played for a couple of hours, which really did fly by.

Tomorrow I have an early start…so I’ll sign off for now.

Revelation 3:10-12 (Message)

“Because you kept my Word in passionate patience, I’ll keep you safe in the time of testing that will be here soon, and all over the earth, every man, woman, and child put to the test. I’m on my way; I’ll be there soon. Keep a tight grip on what you have so no one distracts you and steals your crown. I’ll make each conqueror a pillar in the sanctuary of my God, a permanent position of honor. Then I’ll write names on you, the pillars: the Name of my God, the Name of God’s City—the new Jerusalem coming down out of Heaven—and my new Name.”

The time of the return of Jesus Christ may be sooner than we think as prophecy daily is fulfilled with astonishing clarity. Cunning coincidence or clear revelation it is a time filled with great testing and trials for God’s Children to hope tight to their faith in the midst of great uncertainty. The world daily offers situations and circumstances designed to make an evil exchange of Jesus-based faith for enemy-derived fear. There is a spiritual struggle not to hang on to the faith woven in salvation and grown through painstaking perseverance. No one knows the day or hour of our Lord’s return. Yet there are things that God has given us in careful preparation for that day and then there are those unsuitable notions that the enemy has attempted to smuggle into our Spirit! Those who are able to “keep a tight grip” on what God has given us and avoid the distractions of the thief who wants to steal everything that is good are those who will be richly rewarded for their passionate patience.

Newborns arrive with the distinct ability to tightly grasp anything placed in their tiny palm. As they begin to grow, this grip reflex intensifies as their little human minds develop selfish wills refuse to release that which they covet. Unknowingly a baby will firmly grab things that are dangerous as their ability to discern such has not developed yet through knowledge and experience. Once they decide they want something, a child will simply refuse to let go. This often results in a struggle between worried parent and willful child to wrestle away the unwise choice. When born again, a person gains access to a peaceful and purposeful life. With a secure future and constant provision, there really is nothing to worry or be anxious for yet in our immaturity we choose to hold tightly to fear rather than release it to obtain the faith and the benefits found in a life based on it! The intense innate need to hold tightly to something has creating a generation motivated by fear and God is calling His Generation, His “Temple Pillars” to release their hold on fear and doubt and get a “tight grip” on faith-generated living that calls us to persevere, praise and pray under pressure. Those who can see beyond the order of the day to the Ordination of the New Jerusalem understanding the current state of affairs is no reflection on the future plan and promise of the Savior.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

God has not given His Children the “gift” of fear so it is not something that we should readily hold on to. God has given us power, love and self-discipline. It is these things we should grab hold of with great passion and patience. Self-control allows us to choose that which we hold on to in life whether it is overwhelming faith or undermining fear is totally up to you. The Lord has called us to keep a tight grip on the reality of the spiritual realm and its impact not only on today but the future. Release those things that call you to doubt God and all that He has promised you! Jesus is offering power to the powerlessness, love to the unlovable and self-discipline to the undisciplined. What an offer? Three key characteristics for productive powerful living in exchange for completely worthless notions define the constant giving of our Savior. The Lord has plenty of good things for His Children to hang on to today! Release doubt and begin to take hold of all your Father has for you!