It turns out that I’m pretty rubbish when it comes to meditation.  What I am worse at though, is knowing when to be quiet.  After the first meditation thingy, the teacher asked how we felt it had gone.  Everyone looked at their shoes.  I felt  bad for the teacher because she was so lovely and clearly wanted some sort of participation.  So I informed the class that I got distracted by the purple pandas that had appeared behind my eyelids when I had closed them.  Top Tip: When asked how mediation thingy has gone, that’s probably not the information that you’re being asked for.

On the second meditation all I could think about was the fact that the biscuits in the tea break had contained both raisins and chocolate chips.  In the same biscuit.  What kind of person would do that?  The two things are good in individual biscuits, but put them in the same one and your mouth just can’t work out where it’s at.  Happily, I thought about it before sharing this with the group and finally managed to keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, not to be beaten, I decided to try a slight variation on the workshop and last Saturday Lovely Friend and I went to a Mindfulness, Meditation and Yoga class.  I’m not sure who was more daft:  the teacher for letting me come back or Lovely Friend for coming with me.  The good news is that there were no purple pandas this time.  In fact, I got quite into the meditation.  The yoga though, that was a different matter.  The one and only time I had ever been to a class before I’d been asked to leave as my giggling was distracting the rest of the class (it was back in my uni days though, I’m obviously a lot more sensible these days….)  I managed to keep most of my giggles inside this time and all was going well.  I liked the names of the poses…the dog, happy cat, angry cat….but then we did one where you stand on one leg with the foot of the other leg on the inner thigh of your balancing leg.  Then you’re supposed to lift your arms in the air.  As I fell over sideways it was suggested that I just try the leg part and hang on to the wall.  I was the only one in the class who had to cling to plaster to stay vertical… :o/

Despite that, I really enjoyed it – even the stiff legs that lasted until yesterday – so rather than avoiding yoga, I’ve contacted the teacher to see if I can join the weekly groups.  Now I just have to see if she is daft enough to take me on.  And if she has sufficient wall space so I can stay upright :o)

From a lovely bluebell walk on Sunday :o)

On Saturday we went on a day out Lovely Friend had found that was my idea of heaven:  The Creative Stitches and Hobbycrafts Show :o)

There were demonstrations and things you could try out (I have a feeling Lovely Friend could be a great felter should she fancy) and a world record being set for the longest knitted chain.  But my very favourite thing was ‘Above and Below the Waves’.  One lady – Alison Murray –  organised this, and over 2000 knitters from around the world contributed to it.  It’s a three dimensional undersea tunnel including a beach, mermaids, see creatures and a beach.  And it is ALL knitted!  As if that is not amazing enough, the lady collects money for charity when she displays this work of art and so far has raised £18,500 for the RNLI with this one!

(terrible photo but it shows you the size)

In case you are the sort of person who this particularly appeals to, there is another installation being planned by Alison and anyone can send items for inclusion. You can find all the details here:  http://all2knit.co.uk/index.html.  The next includes all textiles crafts so, as I can’t knit for love nor money, I’m going to attempt a spot of crochet – something I’ve learned in the last few weeks.  I just have to get used to following the pattern.  All I achieved last night was what looked like a genetically modified monster (and that definitely wasn’t what I’d intended!)

Thank you Lovely Mummy of Gorgeous Godson for a lovely day out.  And to Lovely Daddy of Gorgeous Godson for letting me borrow your wife while you had the boys for a day :o)

浪花少年探偵団、そしてエクスジャパンです。

浪花少年探偵団、そしてエクスジャパンです。　（修正バージョン）

今夜、私は浪花少年探偵団を見ました。あなたは知っていますか？この話 は本当に面白いけど時々悲しいです。このストーリーは先生と生徒が犯罪を解決しようとする。私はあなたにもこ番組を見てほしい！私はエクスジャパンについ ても話したいです。エクスジャパン愛しています！私のお気に入りの歌はエンドレスレインです。あなたはこの歌を知っていますか？　聞いてください！それは 美しいです。　：）

ここは浪花少年探偵団です。（私もみかこたべさんはとてもかわいいと思います！(´ ▽｀).。ｏ）
http://asianwiki.com/Naniwa_Junior_Detectives_-_Naniwa_Shonen_Tanteida
（みかこたべさんは先生に浪花少年探偵団です。）

そして

ここはエンドレスレイン歌詞と音楽ビデオです。

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Endless-Rain-lyrics-X-Japan/08554B36B0A136F248256CCD002C5465

a lovely surprise by a lovely friend from the other side of the world. She and I got to know each other 9 years ago, when I was traveling through Ecuador, and I really cherish our special friendship.

Muchas gracias, querida F.!

;

Ronan. Is the picture above, sad? Because I wept just seeing it. It tells the story of everything that is wrong in this life, because you are gone. It tells the story of everything that should be, but is not. At least to me it does. Is everything sad? Because I can’t seem to stop crying. Is this because I spent much of my time in New York, not crying? I went days there, without crying. Now back here, I cannot seem to stop. I took my Ambien to go to sleep last night. Fucking Fuck. I just wanted to 6 solid hours of sleep without tossing and turning. Is that too much to ask? I woke up today, feeling rested. I thought it was going to be an o.k. day. I was wrong. I spent the morning being productive, trying to get some thank you cards addressed. It seems like I am drowning in them. I have to get them sent out. I hope there are not people out there, who think I am not thankful for all they have done, big and small. Nothing goes unnoticed. As I was addressing the envelopes, I thought to myself…. I really don’t recognize any of these names. Who are all of these selfless people, who love you so much that they wanted to help us in our darkest hours? Strangers? Long lost friends? Acquaintances? Is does not matter because they are all united by you so that makes me love them all, even if I may not know their faces. I feel like I know their hearts and they are beautiful.

I’m not sure what happened the rest of the day except I didn’t leave the house. I could easily become a hermit and I have decided I have developed Agoraphobia. Well, at least that is the way I felt today. I felt afraid of the world but hey…. that’s not right because I’m not supposed to be scared of anything. Today, I felt scared. Today, it seemed too bright outside to venture anywhere at all. So I didn’t. Do you know what the outside world looks like to me on most days? Las Vegas, on crack. Everything is so bright, that it hurts. Everything looks so fake and plastic. Everything feels like an illusion and a dream. Maybe I should move to Alaska where the sun doesn’t shine so much. I have a feeling my zombie self would do just fine there. I didn’t pick up the phone either, even though it kept ringing and my text messages, kept dinging. I was in the zone of cleaning out my jewelry drawer and I knew what I was going to find even though I wasn’t looking for it. The ziploc baggie that contains your hair. Your beautiful hair that I had saved when we shaved your head. I opened the baggie, felt your soft hair, and wept. In the middle of my crying, my doorbell rang. I threw on my big, chucky sweater and went to answer it. It was Mandy Bee and she was tired of me ignoring the phone and her. And she was worried. I let her in and let her hold me while I sobbed in her arms. I had the ziploc baggie of your hair in my hands. We sat on the couch and she tried to get me to leave with her. I told her I couldn’t go anywhere except for I had to meet your daddy at Dr. Rachels. I told her I needed to try to make myself look less like a zombie for that. She stayed with me as I somehow managed to throw on some mascara and take my hair out of it’s wet mop on top of my head. I totally had good intentions of leaving the house today, early on. I showered in the morning but I just couldn’t seem to manage much more than that.

Mandy Bee picked up your brothers at school for me. She brought them back to our house for a little playdate with her boys. She also insisted that she was taking me to dinner tonight. I told her no. I tried every excuse I could use, to get out of it. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. Your daddy took your brothers to play basketball. I headed out into the dark for a run. Mandy called me halfway through my run to tell me she was on her way to pick me up. That girl is so persistent. I finished my run just in time to hop in the shower before Mandy came to kidnap me. I answered the door and told Mandy I could not go anywhere that sweats/no makeup/ glasses on/wet hair up in a bun/chunky sweater/red eyes were not allowed. I also told her I could not eat because I had been throwing up all day. She totally pretended like she was agreeing to everything I was saying, but we ended up at True Foods anyway were I proceeded to eat a little something for her. I ate. I sat. We talked. I was glad I went out with her for the hour that I did. I needed the little shove that she gave me. I hope tomorrow is better. There has been a lot of screaming voices in my head again and they have not been saying very nice things. They are making me tired, restless, and exhausted. It’s obvious the grief grim reaper/inferno fuckwad Bob is back with a vengeance. I’ve been trying to let myself just be true to what I have felt the past couple of days. I have tried to be respectful of the way I am feeling by not forcing anything else. I am learning that grief comes in waves. It will never be a steady uphill process. I know I can get knocked back down, at anytime and it often feels like I am starting all over at square one. There is no rhyme or reason to this…. it’s just the way this grief thing works; for me at least. Everyone is different. All I can do it be patient and surrender to the way I am feeling, at this moment in time. One foot in front of the other as they say. Or two-steps backwards to go off the beaten path to an unknown destination. Nothing is guaranteed in life; especially not now. All I can do is keep trying to survive, one day at a time.

I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams little man. I love you to the moon and back.

xoxo

Had an amazing Friday…

.worked from 9-4:30 (not the amazing part…)

.bussed to Cafe for Contemporary Art to finish my first article for www.beyondrobson.com (I’m a new Arts and Culture Columnist!!)

.got picked up by Lovely Friend

.went to Michi on Robson Street to grab Lovely Friend’s brother and his friend who just got into Vancouver from Japan! (this is when I read my first published article, exciting!)

.went out to Gyoza King on Robson Street (see accompanying beer picture – cutesy little bottle, and our server was a riot as well as adorable).

.Headed over to the H.R. MacMillan Space Centre in Kits to catch the Pink Floyd lazer show. (Highly recommended, best $10 I ever spent. I still get giddy thinking about it.)

.went home and watched 1980’s 1990′s Disney movie, Newsies, with Lovely Friend and had lovely conversation.

Thus, ending one of the best Friday nights I’ve had in a long time!! Next Friday has a lot to live up to, that’s for sure.

Xoxo