Loving someone new. (AreF)

Pasangan klop untukmu:

1. Mana yang lebih kamu sukai: a. Mengoleksi lagu-lagu nostalgia, dan surat-surat cinta. b. Mencoba resep baru, menghias rumah c. Ngebut di jalan tol, main kartu d. Mengoleksi barang antik, dan barang-barang seni

2. Misalkan hari ini kamu berulang tahun, kamu ingin: a. Berjalan-jalan ke pantai dengan si dia b. Berkumpul dengan teman dan keluarga di rumah c. Main arung jeram dan bungee jumping d. Makan malam dengan dia di hotel

3. Jenis tontonan yang menghibur kamu: a. Musik nostalgia seperti Bee Gees dan The Beatles b. Nonton film di bioskop c. Nonton konser musik pop d. Nonton konser musik klasik

4. Acara televisi yang sesuai dengan fantasi atau kehidupan nyatamu: a. Telenovela, sinetron drama b. Reality show c. Film dokumenter atau traveling d. Tayangan mode dan gaya..

5. Hadiah kejutan tanda cinta yang kamu harapkan. a. Foto kamu berdua dalam pigura yang indah b. DVD film-fillm terkenal c. Pakaian dalam yang seksi d. Perhiasan

6. Kalau berjalan-jalan dengan si dia, kamu lebih suka: a. Menunggang kuda dengannya di tepi pantai b. Putar-putar rumah dengan mobil antiknya c. Naik motor naik turun gunung d. Keliling kota dengan sedan baru

7. Rumah impian kamu: a. Villa kecil di pegunungan b. Rumah biasa dengan halaman luas di pinggiran kota c. Rumah sederhana di tengah hutan d. Apartemen besar di pusat kota

8. Makanan yang lebih kamu sukai: a. Kue-kue yang dihias cantik b. Sup ayam buatan sendiri c. Mie bakso yang panas dan pedas d. Steak daging sapi

9. Impian di saat kamu kecil: a. Penulis buku anak-anak b. Dokter c. Polisi d. Bintang film terkenal

10. Jika kamu mendapat penghargaan, penghargaan yang ingin kamu raih: a. Sastrawan terbaik b. Pasangan paling harmonis c. Penakluk gunung Everest d. Bintang film terbaik

It’s that time of year again- time for the Toque craft fair at the Western front. For those of you who are thinking that craft fairs are terrible events best avoided (and I count myself among you) I just want to draw your attention to Banquet by Sarah Edmonds. You MUST click on the link to look at the best bear poster in the world. Then you MUST go to Toque and buy the bear poster. Banquet will make a craft fair lover out of even the most hardened hearts.

The Lovers

In the older, Marseilles tarot decks, a Man is caught between two women. A dark-haired, often older person, and a younger, lighter haired woman.  The title of this card was sometimes called “the Choice”. The Man had to make a choice: between an “earthy,” probably sinful person, and a “purer,” light haired–probably light filled–person. Or perhaps, between staying a child and living with his dark haired mother, or joining a woman his own age in a new independent life.

The Rider-Waite deck changed that to a Man and Women together. The woman communes with an angel and the man communes with her. The Rider-Waite seems to say that women are closer to the divine and men can learn from them. Men needed women, so the conventional wisdom went, to survive and grow. They needed women’s creativity and divine insight. But women were not practical people of the world, so men needed to protect them from reality.

Now in the new Millennium, equality has finally arrived. Marriage, these days, is not a matter of choosing a caretaker, but of choosing a partner. Love as the saying goes, cuts problems in half and doubles joy. In the World Tree Tarot (www.worldtreeproducts.com), the lovers are building energy between them that will create something new, that neither could create on their own. In this way, the Lovers is not just about romance, in fact it isn’t about romance at all: it is about partnership. Building something bigger than one person alone can do.

As we see new kinds of alliances develop: two men or two women, assorted threesomes, communes, and other possibilities, the Lovers must be treated more broadly. It can apply to a good business partnership, to a deep friendship, or any relationship where there are mutual goals to be achieved.

Reversed, it is misinterpretation, poor communication and clinging to the myths of “romance” or soul mates.  Let go of perfect love, there is no such thing. Strive for commitment, respect, forgiveness and mutual aid. This is real love. You can see it, if you open up your Inner Vision.

I wonder if I will get a response to this one. Love is such a sensitive subject these days.

Lies are a tricky fucker… All the lies she told me in the past, she would cry, blame, get angry at me for not trusting her… All the lies ended up being MY fault for being untrustworthy and having any shred of doubt…

But the tricky part is that I DIDN’T have that mistrust and doubt for the first few years of the relationship… I never once thought about what she was doing when I was at work, or when she or I were traveling… It never crossed my mind.

It was only AFTER I started noticing that some of her stories weren’t always straight… Then I got a little nagging sense in the back of my head… Then after about 3 years together, I caught her in her first outright lie to me… And she cried, she yelled, she told me that it was nothing… She twisted it up, and even though it really may have been nothing, why lie about it?  I forgave her after all the tears and promises it wouldn’t happen again…

Until about 9 months later, I caught her in another lie… She couldn’t keep her stories straight….  I had completely moved on from the first incident, thinking that it was perhaps my over reaction… But the second lie was bigger, and she really squirmed when I asked her about it… And then I knew something was wrong…

Again the tears, and again, somehow it was my fault…

And then I started to wonder, am I one of those doubting boyfriends? Am I really as terrible as she claimed for checking and asking and calling her on her mixed stories…  You really start to think… Maybe it IS my fault… maybe I AM messed up to doubt her… How could I doubt her when her protestations of love and commitment to me were SO strong… And I’m talking about over the top, tears, “I love you so much, I would die without you…” kind of admissions.

So I felt like a shit for not trusting her.  For being even the least bit hesitant and questioning…

But after the second big lie, I never quite felt right again… I started paying attention… I started noticing what she was doing… I didn’t call her on any more indiscretions or mistruths or half truths…. i didn’t let on that I was paying attention….

And over time, I started to notice stuff…  Little warning signs…

I managed to get most of my work done, but all day I was thinking of this mess I’m in…

My councelor was kind enough to see me on short notice today.  I was a mess… She knew that my fiance and I had issues and some problems we were working on, and her guidance to me after my last visit to her several months ago was to really be aware of the relationship and how I felt about it. To try to make an honest assessment on my feelings towards my fiance…

I already had mixed feelings about our  relationship before this revelation of her cheating on me… I was already unhappy.  My fiance had a history of lying, usually about stupid little things that she had no need to lie about.  But the problem for me was that every lie undermined my own sense of stability and trust… I started to have my doubts and my spidey senses were tingling big time, but I had no real, tangible evidence (until now) that she would lie about the BIG issue…

Today I let it all out, blubbered like a fucking baby.  It’s funny how even though I was considering leaving the relationship, this blow, this revelation rocks me to my foundation.  All this time she was the loving, supportive, commited one, always reminding me of how good we have it and how lucky we were.  She knew I was unhappy and was always telling me how good a thing we have…

What a load of SHIT!!!!  She was telling me this; soothing, MANIPULATING me, twisting my thoughts and feelings so that I felt so GUILTY for even considering to be unhappy in the relationship…. And here she is, fucking some fucking creep, behind my back, for YEARS!!….

Talking to my councelor, it all seemed pretty clear what I need to do…

I need to make my mind up fast.  She comes back in 2 days….

I feel SO used… I was fucking played like a violin…

And I’m angry with myself… Not a good place to be…

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

BLACK FRIDAY HERE I COME!!!!

Erato and Peitho dance, hand in hand,
To the songs of sex, heat and love; they kiss
The brows of lovers with enchanted lips
And adorn their skins with passionate need.

They are the heralds of Aphrodite,
That laughter-loving, blood-borne Queen; they send
To her the smiles of midnight lovers, and
Warm their bodies in Selene’s soft glow.

Christ…. I can’t sleep…. I haven’t slept for 3 days… It’s starting to impact my work….

I was laying in bed and suddenly got that awful fucking ache in the pit of my stomach… It never dawned on me until now that she just might not be at her girlfriends at all like she said… Why the fuck did I have to come to the realization that she might actually be with HIM?????

Good god, the urge to want to go check what she’s doing is absolutely OVERWHELMING… The urge to drive to her friends house and check up on her is almost more than I can bear right now…

I never thought I would be so twisted up inside… I never thought I could get so messed up and confused… Have I been living the past 6 years with blinders on?  Has it all been a lie?

What the fuck am I going to do…?

I don’t have the best self esteem, and this just rips whatever shred of dignity I had right out of my chest…  I can’t stay, I can’t seem to bring myself to leave…

I might not be the best catch in the world, but I never deserved this…

And why do “I” feel guilty???? Why the fuck do I feel guilty because I am considering leaving?  What the fuck is wrong with me?

I need to sleep.  I don’t want to medicate, but I know that too many nights of no sleep are just going to fuck me up even more…

…..

Please know you have profoundly helped me grow to who I am today (I hope that’s not a bad thing!). I apologize off the bat for the bad grammar. This is a very stream of consciousness letter. I am thankful for so many people this is going to sound like an acceptance speech. If only I had an award to go with it!For some reason, I feel more thankful than ever. Going through a transformation of sorts puts everything in perspective. When I lost my job this past June, I would have never guessed I would have felt more alive and have met some of the most amazing people. I never dreamed I would be on television/radio and also have a blog, which has had to date over 15,000 hits. I am grateful for EVERYONE who visits day after day!

Thank you for following the journey.

If I could tell you one thing –change the world. Go out and make a difference. Stand up for what you believe in. Change someone’s life. We all have amazing stories to tell. Share them.

My blog wouldn’t have gotten off the ground without a few people. My publicist, George, whose idea it was to really go forward and create the blog. He always has a way of staying positive. A special thanks to ALL the people I have interviewed thus far: the wonderful Marti C., single-licious Melissa B, exceptional Jerry Mitchell, incredible forced to be reckoned with Frenchie Davis, life changing activities Ryan Janek Wolowski and Randy Wicker, and uber talents Richard and Dana. Elisa, Will, Angelo and Renee thank you for one point or another for being my camera bitch! There are many more people, so I apologize if I have forgotten you.

Liz S, you are an amazing woman who constantly gives me the chance to do what I love! You always astound me by the types of events you have me cover. Thank you for taking a chance with me!
Julie H. you have such an amazing heart. I never thought in a million years I would be on the Pat Field website! You have really made my year. You see things in me that I have overlooked. I can’t thank you enough for the dream come true it has been and will keep continuing!
Meagan H. – WE WILL GET KATHY!! You are such a joy to know and you never make my crazy idea is well…crazy! You are a great visionary at what you do!

My family has always been my rock. A special shout out to my relatives in PA, who are not only amazing, but I am so blessed to have reconnected with them on Facebook. Though sometimes we seem miles apart, BENNINGTONS know we are NEVER that far. Thanks guys for all the kick ass support!

My other “family” -my friends who have seen my light and my dark, I feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to see each of you grow and become individuals who make me proud in the way you contribute and choices you make. Each of you has such a special gift. I truly love you all and you have been a place to look for advice, support and unconditional love. You have no clue how much I value all of you (though sometimes my sarcasm may make it seem otherwise)

My Old Tappan friends, it’s been a while but let me know when you’re around the NYC/NJ area. For me to see us all grown up seems a little freaky! It was only yesterday we were singing to Mr. Boscia’s music, seeing Mr. Rossi throw a desk, cutting class, going to the prom. Now some of you have your own families. Keep me in your heart, as I do with you.

Wagner College gave me amazing inspiration to find myself and meet professors and life-long friends who inspire me daily. There are many ways you can gain an education as I learned in my years at Wager!

Thanks to all the RENT friends I have made. Measure in love. We can always be grateful for Jonathan Larson’s lasting treasure. Thanks for all the RENT road trips!

Thank you, all the new friends I have made. I look forward to knowing you more and more (that DOES sound kind of creepy)

THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WHO INSPIRE!

This year, remember those who are not as blessed and keep them in your thoughts and prayers. It’s important for us –as teachers, friends, parents, lovers, brothers, sisters,-you name it, to go out there and make a difference. Anything small can help. We can be the change.

Please have a safe, healthy and happy Thanksgiving this year.

The best is yet to come,

Neal B
www.nealbinnyc.wordpress.com

Thanks to Daniel I for this:

“Romance is not dead…Evidenced by this Chalk Birthday Letter”

So Cute!

I was just reminded of the “purpose” of my blog (or what I intended to write at the beginning).

the appreciation of little things that happen around you.

There are usually a lot of moanings, complaints, sighs during Sunday evenings.
“ugh, gotta work tomorrow.”
“another 5 days of work b4 the weekend”
These won’t be too unfamiliar if you are one of the members in the workforce.

well.
let’s utilize some positive thinking here.
you work hard to get yourself a shelter, you earn enough to feed yourself,
and if you’re lucky, you can save some money too.

you may argue, everyone’s doing the same thing…

true. but if you want to be different,
think different! being able to appreciate the littlest things happen to you in life makes YOUR life different, and (i believe) better than others.
You don’t have to live some sort of dramatic, glamorous life like Paris Hilton’s to feel your life is better.

Wine and jazz concert after work unwinds me from monotonous work life,
and more interestingly, seeing old pairs of couples, moms and daughters, family and friends, dancing to the jazz music, you will find life is way better than you thought.
It all matters with HOW you think.

I LEFT MY WIFE AND MET A WOMEN WHO GIVES ME ALL

THE ANAL ACTION I WANT…….AND A LOVE IT

AS I LOVE COCKSOXXCONDOMS ANAL PACKS THAT GIVE A FREE

ANAL ACTION DVD……WITH 9 CONDOMS IN EACH PACK..FOR

GET THIS 9.99…OMG!

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Hai să fugim amândoi la mare! Undeva în Vamă sau undeva unde plaja doarme în amintirea noastră! Hai să fim doar noi feriţi de lume, şi să mă cerţi că fumez sau că nu mai sunt eu.  Să fim doar noi doi şi marea, noi doi şi nisipul rece, să fie soarele şi sufletele nostre, să mă îmbat din nou de fericire să fim noi .. şi atât. doar noi. Uită de ea..

Spune-mi la dracu din nou adevărul, şi învaţă să mă iubeşti în dimineţile târzii când îmi săruţi umerii goi. Şi apoi învaţă-mă să te învăţ pe tine!

dacă nu, mai lasă-mă odată în pace! sau nu.. nu mă lăsa!

As far as it depends on me, I want to always treat people well.  Especially when it gets difficult.  I want to keep an open heart and let myself risk being hurt.  I want to love even when it won’t turn out well for me.  In romantic relationships I want to be in them and leave them knowing that I didn’t betray my desire to always do my utmost to love.  I want to leave them with an open-heart, appreciating the good times and knowing that there was value in being in a relationship with them.

I wish I would to not get hurt, but even though that is impossible, I choose to not let that be a reason for me to hurt them or treat them badly.

I want to love through think and thin, to know when to leave, and then to leave with the peace that I did everything I could to love them to the best of my ability.  I want to leave still loving them, even though the expression of that love changes.

I want to forgive when I’ve been hurt and to give grace in all circumstances.

I want to be loved in the same way I love.  But I will love anyway, even when it is not returned how I would like, or at all.

Love is a choice.  It is not easy or dependent on other people.  It is up to me.  It is my choice and the way I choose to live my life.

I will forgive emotional debts.  I protect his freedom, especially his freedom to not choose me.

This is the life I choose for myself, because it is the life that will mean the most to me in the end.  I choose to accept pain as a necessary part of living life.

Even the pain of…

letting go.

Not much sleep last night.  My mind is going a mile a minute, trying to peice all the pieces together…

She is visiting her friends for a few days and I have to decide what I am going to do… I know I need to confront her.  The evidence is overwhelming. The proof is staring me in the face…

I’m angry that she would do something like this… How can you sleep with someone else, MULTIPLE TIMES.  Kiss them… Fuck them… suck them… and then come home to your partner of 6 years and pretend like nothing is going on?  And this went on for 2 years!! 2 years!.

I feel like I’m going to throw up… The ache and the pain and the anger and sadness is simply overwhelming… I’m having trouble breathing…

What a mess we make of our lives… I was unhappy in the relationship, but I suffered it out for the sake of the kids and, well, because I was too depressed to do anything about it….

It still doesn’t justify her cheating on me…  Nothing justifies that…

Day 2.

I awoke the next morning tired as all hell. Paige and Kevin were already up, looking refreshed from a good night’s sleep, I was jealous. They are quite the couple, very cute, very in love and very generous. Well, Paige is at least, Kevin just does what she tells him. This morning his assignment was to make his favorite cousin breakfast, but Kevin felt like procrastinating and letting me starve. Paige ended up making mine, and it was delicious. Cream of rice (Paige has that wheat disease thing), eggs, over-easy and two waffles. I don’t remember what I had to drink. I think we finished our wine from the night before. After breakfast we watched the football game on TV. Paige and Kevin spooned on the couch for the two hours while we watched, how cute I know. Paige asked if I wanted to join, I declined.

We all eventually got ready to go to the mall to pick out a gift for Uncle Danny’s birthday. I also wanted to get a haircut, so tired of long hair… As soona s we arrived Kevin and Paige took me to the haircut place and left me, not intentionally. I got my haircut and met a Russian woman. It was amazing.  Her name was Elona, she didn’t tell me much about her, but she cut hair good for a Russian.

Two of my good friends who studied abroad in St. Petersburg last year say Russians give the worst haircuts, “you never know what you are going to come out with,” they always say. But, remember Lareesa? Well she is from Duluth (all relevant I promise) and she has gotten her haircut in the same place for many, many years, by guess who…Russians! I have never seen her with bad hair, whenever she gets a new haircut she looks amazing (especially this last one Reese Piece!). But back to my haircut, Elona did a great job. I look sexy and more Russian if I do say so myself, must have rubbed off.

My conversation with her was a little strange. I knew almost the second I met her that she was Russian from her accent and usually in this situation I get so excited because I love talking, to anyone really but especially a Russian, and if they are an older Russian woman, well that is icing on the cake. But today I was unusually nervous. Maybe that’s because my Russian class at GAC is, well, there aren’t really enough negative adjectives in the English language to describe it. That said, I waited until after she washed my hair to ask, in Russian, where she was from. We got back to the hair-cutting chair and I finally found enough courage to ask her. She stared at me in the mirror with puzzling eyes. Москвы (Moscow) she replied. “А вы говорите по русски?” (And you speak Russian?) she asked. “Да,” (yes) I answered. I won’t bore you with the whole conversation (and I really don’t want to switch keyboards 50,00 times to tell you the whole thing) but basically she told me I was insane to go to Irkutsk, a response I have been getting a lot but I refuse to budge. On a happier note, she said I had excellent intonation and spoke with a native accent, something every American child of Russian dreams of hearing. THANK YOU TATIANA & EVGENII!

This was the best haircut I think I have ever gotten, and will be hard to beat. I tipped Elona extra and said goodbye. She wished me good luck with that sarcastic Russian look, and with a hint of you know I really think you’re crazy, boy in her voice. But, it didn’t matter that she thought I was crazy, she still liked me. I rate my like-ability by the haircut I received, two words, damn sexy.

I met up with Paige and Kevin in Express. A horrible first choice to start shopping, by the mere fact that it is one of my all time favorite stores, and I knew it would take everything to keep from buying something. Paige had a great strategy though, she kept me in the women’s section, and therefore, I was unable to bask in the Express-ness.

After Express we went to the food court to eat. I got Subway, Kevin, a gut-buster, i.e. the biggest f-ing burger you have ever seen. Paige had more trouble, as for her wheat disease. She was left with ice cream with walnuts and peaches, which turned out to be disgusting. Dissatisfied, she went back up and asked for a new drink, and they gave it to her. Oh to be a beautiful woman and able to get anything you want.

After lunch there was more shopping. We hit up all the good cooking stores for Uncle Danny’s gift but left empty-handed. Everything was god awful expensive. Nonetheless, we did manage to have tons of fun playing with all the neat salt and pepper shakers and imagining all the cool things we would want in our houses. That is, if we ever get houses. Like I said, everything is so freaking expensive. One can dream though.

Cooking utensils out, we headed over to Finishline to try our hands at athletic wear. This was more of our kind of store. While Kevin looked around Paige and I took pictures and danced to the store music; Beyoncé, Lady Gaga and Jay-Z i.e. great dancing music. Kevin got Danny a UnderArmour work-out shirt, pretty cool. I, feeling especially happy about being a cancer survivor that day, asked Kevin to purchase a Livestrong bracelet in mine and Lance’s honor, he obliged. Cancer card, works every time. Paige got two buttons for her Crocs in support of the bankrupt company, and she has Crocs.

Exhausted, or at least I was, we left the mall and headed back home. Paige had to go home, sadly, leaving me alone with Kevin, not that, that was bad. I was just sad she had to leave. Kevin and I chilled at the apartment and watched TV. Feeling hungry later we headed to McDonald’s and took advantage of the Red-Box DVDs. I rented ‘The Goods,’ ‘Wolverine,’ and ‘Gran Torino.’ The first was amazing, the second okay, and the third ended horribly. You can all probably guess what time I went to bed…yup, 4.

Day 3 later.

You are the sun in my day, the wind in my sky, the waves in my ocean and the beat in my heart… I Miss You…

“Without You” **My vision is clouded by tears in my eyes. **I used to think that visions of us were my only paradise. **He has his girl by his side. **Just looking at you two, makes tears flow from my eyes. **He only sees me as a friend, **But how can that be, because our road to friendship hasn’t even begun. **I’ll just have to admit to myself that I’m not his type. **I know that he has a girlfriend, so me liking him isn’t alright. **Many things with guys have gone wrong in the past. **All those relationships that I thought were gonna last. **I sometimes find myself daydreaming about your touch, **And you know I like you, but not this much. **Will my broken heart be healed soon? **I feel overwhelmed in sadness and have become so consumed **I don’t know how to say I wanna be with you, I don’t know how to start, **But as each day goes by I wish you would open you’re heart. **Sometimes I wish I could dream forever, **Then that way we’ll always be together. **Unfortunately though, I wake up, **And I hate how reality always seems to suck. **At school it’ll be just another day, **Another day that I’ll try to suppress my feelings for you away.