Despite my parents’ troubled relationship, exacerbated by my father’s undiagnosed bipolar condition, the financial instability and poverty we continually experienced, and the limited family and other support resources available, our family grew to include 5 children within only a few years. We lived in numerous apartments and rental homes, moving every year or so, even cross-country several times. Like many people around us, we struggled to live normal lives, making friends wherever we lived, finding joy in each other. These times of happiness and relative stability were interrupted by sudden bursts of trauma- as our dad would experience his roller coaster of mania or depression and take us along with him, as we’d suffer the emotional or physical abuse that came with our parents’ dysfunction, or as we’d get ripped from our community and move cross-country to start over in a new home and school.

I remember one day in particular as we were on the road in our beater station wagon, my parents’ argument in the car created a distraction that ended with us plowing into a ditch on the side of the road. My dad stepped out of the car and began walking in the opposition direction until he disappeared while our mom turned around with blood streaking down her face from the accident, and proceeded to screech at us for what had happened. When we moved from Virginia to Utah we travelled in a big blue school bus that he bought for a couple of hundred dollars, I remember throwing up over and over again as we crossed the Appalachian Mountains. I would often take the place of the peacekeeper in the family, helping to stabilize my mother when she got upset. I remember one incident when my mom checked the kids into a hotel and ran downstairs to a car, where I found her getting ready to abandon her kids “to someone who can take better care of you”. Thankfully, I was able to gradually talk her down from that decision.

Much of my childhood, along with my older brother, was spent with my dad helping with his house painting job. David and I spent a lot of time with dad, learning to work hard, benefitting from his influence, and hearing the many stories he had to share about his own life. While David continued to serve as my protector with my parents and anyone outside our family, he was my greatest tormentor as well. His years of abuse and stress led to my becoming the brunt of his physical dominance as we grew up. He was always much bigger and stronger, our constant fighting almost always led to my humiliating defeat. As we grew older, we would nearly kill each other several times- and although I was at the losing end of most of our fights, my battles with David provided its own unintended benefits.

After a year in California during the stock market crash of 1987, when we got stranded there due to our car breaking down and ending up living in a junkyard in Victorville for 8 months, we moved back to Utah when I was about 10. Again we bounced around several different homes in the next year and ended up in Lake Shore, West of Payson, Utah. The benefit of all of my fights with David showed up when I was continually pestered by bullies and cliques I found at the different schools- my brother was also new but he was much bigger, naturally athletic, and his exotic look didn’t hurt either. I was an easy target, but I had also learned to fight from big brother, and anybody was relatively easy compared to him. I became pretty good at it over the next few years, as I moved through a couple of middle schools and my schoolyard fights became a regular occurrence and an activity that I came to enjoy.

The day before thanksgiving and everyone is going crazy getting ready.  Things have been good.  Yesterday was a very crazy funny day for me.  Instead of being angry at everything that went wrong I dealt with using laughter.  I ordered pies from a charity and drove an hour one way to pick them up and they ran out.  So I laughed.  I gave them my address and they said they would deliver them to me.  So I changed my plans around for them.  I drove home another hour.  I then waited they said 7pm by 8:15 they called I gave them a wrong street so then I gave them the correct street and I just laughed that they ended up getting to me an hour and 15 minutes later than they said no big deal my plans were changeable.  Then they got lost again on their own accord.  So they said got frustrated with me and said that they were just going to leave my pies at the intersection that they were at!!  I said WHAT (laughing) you’re going to leave my $150 worth of pies at the intersection?!  Not can you come meet me but I am going to leave your pies at the intersection – mind you they did not tell me what intersection they were as they were lost and did not know where they were at.

I just laughed, laughed at it all.  I did eventually find them and claim my pies.  No pies were harmed or abandoned.  I was not going to allow a pie abandonment.  I needed those pies.  I have two families counting on those pies.  In all 38 years of my existence I have never been threatened with having my pies left at an intersection before – it was quite comical.  In fact I laughed so hard I cried.  My girlfriend was with me, thank god, because had I been alone I might have been a little freaked out when posed with the pie abandonment.  But it all worked out in the end and the both of us had the best laugh of the year.  We decided that the night would go down in history and that this thanksgiving would be one we talked about for years to come.

So now I am at the family compound.  I finished place cards for the family dinner tomorrow.  It will be rather small only 13 of us and our 5 dogs and 1 baby.  Then after here we go to my girlfriend’s house for dinner at 6pm.  It will be a nice wonderful family filled day.

Now I am off to the theater room to watch family movies.  My parents had all their home movies transferred from tapes to dvds.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone………..

Ah, the weekend, well I survived. Of course. This weekend was both harder and easier than the past.

This weekend was nice because my mom has really mellowed out. The drugs seem to have really done their job, or at least they have this past weekend, and it was nice to have a normal conversation with her. Yes she still harped on things, yes she was occasionally irrational but for the most part these were more like regular mom-isms then symptoms. We even had a great conversation while sitting in the waiting room at one of the doctors offices. Yes this was after she called my dad screaming about why he didn’t wake her up so she could take me to the first doctor’s appointment of the morning and saying things to him like ‘i guess you won, congratulations’ but still, little steps.

This weekend was hard because while I can see improvements in my mom I know my dad really can’t, or rather that he’s just so over her and how horrible she’s been to him that he doesn’t care that there are improvements.  I hate seeing him not care, seeing him so broken. I also hate that now he provokes her, or rather just isn’t as careful about what he says or how he responds as he once was. It’s hard to sit there and listen to them because of how freaking anxious I get about what he’ll say and how she’ll take it. I know they’ve had rough patches in the past, I specifically remember a time in my childhood where she went to the attic to get her bags and go stay with my grandmother (my dad’s mother actually…so try to understand that one) and I refused to leave the house, meaning I told them I was staying with whoever kept the house. But that doesn’t make this any easier, it doesn’t make me any less afraid that my parents are going to hate each other enough to leave each other.

All in all though this weekend was an improvement, it didn’t leave me feeling like I was going to die every time I thought about spending this next weekend there and that is certainly something. This weekend my middle sister will be around so perhaps I’ll tell her about the shitty stuff that’s been happening, or maybe I’ll just see what she picks up on.

Jittery. Can’t sit still. Can’t be quiet.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Sip this.

Take a pull of that.

Take a…what? What was I doing again?

I should take a nap. Or go to sleep since it’s so late. Or take a nap.

I think I forgot to take my meds today. I think I forgot.

Can’t wait till tomorrow. I will find my passion tomorrow. I won’t live in fear, I won’t live in lies. Just like Oprah, I’ll find what I love to do, do it, and be rich and famous from it. And no one will ever doubt me again!

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

Thursday was fucking traumatic, a state of affairs of which you are probably aware given my citation of the disturbing imagery of Metallica’s Until It Sleeps that evening. You’ll have seen on that post that my iPod was reading my mind again in playing it – and other songs on similarly dark themes – but what is most interesting about this is that this strange form of electronic ESP took place as I was driving home from an utterly pointless dissociative trip to a coastal town about 20 miles from home.

My first proper awareness of going to said town was when I realised I was in the centre of it. I do have a very vague recollection of noticing my normal turn off and thinking that the traffic was heavy, but at no time did I think, “why the fuck are you not in that heavy traffic?” I don’t remember deciding to drive on, and I don’t remember the journey. Another small-scale fugue-like episode. Sweet.

I had been quite good on the self-harm front of late, but the good spell has been broken. ‘Bitch’ and ‘grief’ are the latest, though I don’t remember doing the former (it must have bled like fuck though as I had seemingly used a towel to stem the bloodflow). Grief. Am I grieving for myself, or for what I should have been? If so, is that good? Presumably one is meant to say, “well, the self-harm bit isn’t good,” but you know me folks – not really one to listen to that sort of argument. A is raging with C; in A’s eyes, it is C’s fault that I have taken to cutting myself again. But it isn’t. It really isn’t. All C has done is facilitate triggering discussions, and been someone to whom I am hopelessly attached, which is hardly his fault. We can’t avoid matters of this importance simply because there is a risk it may act as a trigger; the entire psychotherapeutic process would then be pointless, and I’d be left as mental as I ever was.

I’m unsure as to what exactly this entry will amount to, as I remember surprisingly little of the session – perhaps unsurprisingly. But let’s start at the very beginning and see what happens.

C pointed out that he’d been looking through his diary and saw that our current contract was due to end shortly (he thought there were two sessions remaining after Thursday; I thought one, but as it turns out it will not matter). This was something of which I was horribly well aware. Having only begun to open up to C properly in the last few weeks, I was convinced that he’d see me as a manipulative bitch – it looked, to my cynical mind, like I was trying to wrangle more time out of him by leaving the avalanche of confessions until this point. Given that my primary diagnosis is borderline personality disorder, it reasonably follows (in my eyes) that he could believe me to be manipulative, as the psychiatric establishment still seems to think that about those who have BPD more than any other psychiatric problem.

Of course, he didn’t like either the idea that he would find me manipulative, nor in particular that he would think this because I have BPD – that fixates on labels, don’t you know. Actually, it doesn’t, because it’s what I think he should think anyway – the fact that BPD is the only psychiatric diagnosis to still be treated with open contempt by mental health professionals just reinforces that point – though to be fair, I have not experienced that disdain personally, thank God.

I honestly don’t think I was being manipulative – not consciously, anyhow – but it did look like it, and that had been my worry all week. Of course, C refused to concede that this was the case in his eyes. Did he point blank deny it? I think he may well have done, but I don’t remember clearly enough to say for certain. What he was willing to admit to was that I may, consciously or otherwise, fear the end of the relationship, and act accordingly to preserve it. Which is apparently not manipulative. Hmm.

The issue of the end of therapy raised its ugly head a couple of times during the meeting. What he said at this juncture was that we should “…continue seeing each other until Christmas, at which point [he'll] be off for a fortnight, and then we’ll review the situation in January.”

Review the situation in January. You can take a wild guess as to what I think about that. He is going to throw me out with the dirty water in cunting January. Just over a month away, after the most stressful time of the year for me (ah yes, I’m sure you’ll be treated to a delicious rant about fucking Christmas in the near future, dearest readers). A tells me that this is not what C meant; apparently, he literally meant that we shall review the situation, and if further therapy is required (as if it won’t be), then that is what the case shall be. Well, Ms Rationality of course says, “yeah, right” to that. He is going to abandon me.

I honesty don’t remember how I reacted in session to the comment about ‘reviewing things in January’. I think I simply agreed and didn’t voice the aforementioned rejection worries, but I wouldn’t swear to it. As I said, it did indeed come up again, but I don’t remember under what circumstances. I can and do appreciate that the relationship can’t be permanent – in the most rational of ways, I don’t want it to be. I want to live an independent life, free of a need for a surrogate daddy. But can C realistically expect to change 13+ years of misery and being fucked about by the NHS in seven-ish months, particularly when I have such a strong neurotic attachment to him? Trying to be objective about it, I cannot honestly fathom that as reasonable, except in especially productive scenarios (which are about as applicable to me as…um…er…something that is very un-applicable to me). This is a personality disorder. It is ingrained into every metaphorical fibre of my self, the conscious, the unconscious, whatever – and it is causing me to self-destruct. Can something of such enormity and longevity honestly be treated adequately in just over half a year?

In any case, eventually the discussion – predictably enough – returned to the eminently delightful subject matter of the preceeding week. Eugh. It was me that raised it, though not exactly through choice; we were talking about something else (no idea what now) which triggered some sort of memory – it’s a shame I’ve forgotten what that subject was, as it would be useful to know these triggers, especially in cases where there is no obvious correlation, as I think the case was in this instance.

I became rather agitated and told C that I wasn’t “going there”. I hid.

Despite my telling him to leave it, he continued to probe me – but gently and quite subtly, to be fair. I eventually admitted that I was thinking about the Pandora’s Box.

My memory is even more fragmented from here on in, though some things do stick out in my mind very clearly. I was very, very careful not to verbally articulate much at all; at one point I desperately begged, “look, don’t you see where I’m going with this?” But it appears that he believes that I need to say the words. I still have not used the word ‘rape’, and strictly speaking he could still be under the impression that it was something other than rape – but he’s not that stupid.

He must have asked what was so troubling about verbalising this material, because I remember then telling him that I am fairly tolerant of articulating the gruesome information on this blog.

“Which is odd,” I mused, “given that it is all the more real when it is written down, even more so than if I verbally discuss it. It’s there, on the blog, in black and white.” (See here, for example).

I went on to postulate the idea that perhaps it is easier to deal with in writing because I can rationalise everything; life events become something that is seen in the third person, by a narrator, an observer with at least a modicum of theoretical knowledge of that about which she writes. If I have to talk about it, I have to feel it. I am there, in the midst of it, with the rawness, the vileness, the trauma of it all.

He agreed. He didn’t say so, but a sense that he wants me to feel that repressed pain was very palpable. Maybe that is why he was such a cock when I put this, and other shit, in writing for him – in fact, I’m certain it is. What kind of profession capitalises on other people’s grief? If I asked him why he became a clinical psychologist, I’m sure he’d respond along the lines of that old cliché, “I want to help people.” What, by making them relive their darkest memories, by making them suffer through them all again? Does that not take a special kind of sadism?

I am, of course, being a little facetious; I don’t believe C to be a sadist in the least, and I do believe he is in his job for the right reasons. But the human mind, and the sciences that arise therefrom, are odd things indeed. It strikes me as strange that it is an apparent psychological necessity to directly face that which you most revile in your past, before you can heal from the wounds it inflicted.

But this is not a post about the curious concept of psychology as an academic discipline, nor is it a post about the mindsets of those practising this form of figurative alchemy; it is a post about a session I had with my therapist. So…was it at this point that I lost it? I’m not sure, but anyway, in my next clear memory, all I could see in my head was the INCIDENT, or more specifically, the moments during which I was pushed to the floor of the outhouse in which it took place and served up as tasty piece of young meat for the delectation of my uncle. I recall very strongly that (in C’s office, not in my mind) I had my head in my lap and was pelting my skull with both fists with as much strength as I could muster. I have never done anything of this ilk in C’s company before.

And so he too did something that he has never done before; he raised his voice to me. He didn’t shout, but he did raise his voice just enough to try and penetrate through the mentalism that had tenaciously gripped my mind.

“SI!” he called. Well, he didn’t of course – perhaps it will surprise some of you to learn that I have a name, a normal, very ordinary name, and he used that instead – but you know what I mean. One thing I’ll not forget about this session was that he actually used my name three times, and at one point I used his too – these things are unheard of in the whole time we’ve known each other. Does it mean something? Why do I attach such importance to something so apparently normal and trivial? Is it because using names is personal, and that I want to see him as a person, not a canvas? Who knows. I certainly don’t, but I do know that that memory sticks with me.

I think he must have somehow brought me back from this mental place, but I don’t remember the specifics. The next part of the conversation that I recall was when he asked me how I felt about myself and that I told him that I felt like a “dirty, fetid little slut.” I then rationalised things for a bit, proclaiming that I am in actuality not a slut. Unfortunately, I still felt (feel) like one.

Then I lost it again. “I’m a filthy whore,” I spat, hiding from him again with my hands.

I think he actually went as far as to tell me that I am not a whore, but that could be a phantom memory. I mean, how the fuck would he know? I could have sold sex in 28 European capitals for all he knows. One thing he definitely did do was try and help me regain my composure. I sat up and pretended to be fine, sticking out my hand to measure how much it was shaking. I have used an incident when I was about 15 as a yardstick to measure anxiety; the day after I found out about an incredibly twisted lie from my first real boyfriend (a long story that I will have to detail some day), I went into school and, in English, happened to notice how much my hand was shaking. That denotes severe anxiety and/or anger. If the shaking is less than that, things could be worse.

I told C about this. However, a brief reference to the lying cunt of an ex must have touched on the self-disgust I was already feeling over my own lying to C about the INCIDENT (when we first met I told him it was ‘mere’ touching, but that was only part of it, obviously. More on this shortly). I told him this – still without using that word – and went into a major self-invective of utter disgust and abhorrence. It was filled with ranting about how much of a shameful, lying, grotesque, hateful slag I am, lying to the one person that might be able to bring me back a little hope in this sorry mental battle, and about how guilty and sorry I am, blah blah de blah.

When I took a second to draw breath, he jumped in to try and (a) reassure me that I had nothing to feel guilty about and (b) establish exactly what it was that I felt I’d lied about.

I answered (b) first, at least to the best of my recollection. He’d specifically asked in our initial assessment sessions what form the sexual abuse took. As is my wont, I had avoided articulating myself properly, and instead managed to answer the question merely by his probing. I think, though I am not certain, that he asked if I was raped, and that I said ‘no’. I am sure that when he asked if it was inappropriate touching that I said ‘yes’, and that I led him to believe that that was all. In my defence – and I told him this in the session to which this post refers – I have dissociated a lot of the INCIDENT. I remember ghastly, loathsome pieces of it in fleeting glimpses, like looking at still pictures in an album or, sometimes, short video clips. I remember the sensations of pain and terror in these moments too. I am grateful that the memories are so brief, but also resentful of it too, as it feels like it removes my power to understand the INCIDENT and my reactions to it. Furthermore, obviously part of me does remember it, and that part is mentally fucked – perhaps it would be easier to address were it all consciously there at the front of my mind.

Anyhow, I then proceeded to respond C’s (a) point. “I lied to you,” I said simply. “Aren’t you angry with me?”

“No, of course I’m not angry with you.”

“Why not? You should be.”

He sort of laughed (he mustn’t have realised I was serious), but seeing the look on my face, he desisted from doing so abruptly.

“SI,” he said again, firmly, looking straight at me. “Do you seriously think that I should be angry with you?” His tone was a more compassionate version of ‘incredulous’.

“Yes,” I began, “fucking dirty, lying, grotesque little bitch, fucking…”

“One,” he interrupted, rather dramatically, leaning forward and counting on his fingers as he did. “We had only just met and you can’t honestly have expected yourself to deeply discuss such sensitive matters with someone you didn’t know. Two, you didn’t lie, you omitted some information…”

“But then that’s a lie of omission…” I began.

“Three!” he went on, raising his eyebrow in a surprisingly authoritative fashion, signaling that I was to let him finish, “three, this is hard for you to talk about, so it is not surprising you withheld it. What is there to be angry with?! I am not angry with you, and neither should I be.”

Well, that was me told, then. I was quite taken aback by the forcefulness of his tone. Actually, ‘forcefulness’ is a horrid word to use as it has negative connotations – let’s say ‘emphatic’ instead. He was incredibly emphatic. I gaped at him in a sort of stupefied disorientation for a minute or two.

He sat back in his chair, recovered his blank canvas and either asked me how I felt, or signalled for me to speak.

“Um…” I muddled. “That’s reassuring. I do feel reassured. But it also confuses me; you have a completely different attitude to it from me.”

He seemed to understand that in fairness, which not an awful lot of people would. He was able to see the black-and-white chain of logic that I was following in believing that he ought to be angry, but luckily for C things in his world do not seem to be as black and white as they are in mine.

I don’t remember how things ended. I know that I was battered and bruised psychologically (and physically to boot what with punching my head). At no point had I been tearful, but one does not need to weep to mentally suffer. I went and sat in the car and phoned A for catharsis and reorientation purposes. Although the trauma of reliving the INCIDENT had been the most awful aspect of the session, the fact that I fixatedly whined to A that C ‘wants to abandon me’ before I even touched on the rest of things is very telling.

In later discussions A urged me to tell C about this abject fear. What’s the point? C already knows I’m terrified of him abandoning me. Perhaps the real question is ‘is my attachment to him healthy?’ There have been mixed views on this from the readership of this blog. cbtish, for example, thinks it puts me in an intolerable position (cbtish is a therapist). Vanessa from eTransference, a clinical psychologist in training who has a particular interest in the phenomenon of transference, thinks it ought to be encouraged in many ways. Others undergoing therapy – bourach and thesamesky (who’s also a counsellor) for example – have their own struggles with the therapeutic dyad (bourach in particular will understand why I thought C should be angry with me, given this post of her’s).

I don’t know what the answer is; just that the attachment is very real. Just that I feel guilty for withholding information and for lying (though he wants me to stop that – and I’ve just remembered that the session ended with him asking me, again, to try and not post-mortem things in therapy. Oops. He was also worried, after what happened with VCB’s SHO in September, that his actions or words could have a…er…detrimental effect on me. Double oops. All I can say is that I think our current dialogue is progress, regardless of any self-harm that follows). And at least I am far from alone in withholding, and even lying.

But it’s still all a bit of a quagmire, yes?

I am wiped out.  So many little household chores to do today.  Trying to get shit done so I can relax during my 4 day holiday.  Plus my little puppy and cat are quit a demanding two-some .

Ok so Today I started therapy up again.  I decided I needed a little assistance with my last mourning process.  I also decided that I needed some help with jump starting my new life routine up here in Tio.

I have put into place a good portion of it but I am having trouble getting some of it in place.  The main reason for seeking out the therapy was assistance for the mourning and it was not my idea at first.  I have to admit at first I was a little hesitant, thinking I didn’t need any help, that I could do it myself.  Then someone close to me suggested that maybe I could use a little help.

You know a while back I would have tossed such a suggestion aside but now with some much going right in my life I decided to say fuck it and decided to go and grab someone to help it me out with it.  It is so much easier this way.  And why go at it alone?

Then when I got there and go to talking I realized that I also needed some help jump nailing down the balance of my routine.  I have put together a good portion of my routine but there is still a good portion that is missing.

So I will work on mourning my loss, getting my power back, and putting my routine together.

Now the great thing about this is that all the while I still lead a successful and productive life and instead of letting it destroy itself I listened to someone who loved me and I sought out help.

Yay me, I fucking rock!!!

“As a student and a writer there’s a point where you just become manic: friends, family, laundry, personal care, they don’t matter.  You’re just completely focused on the paper.  So go manic.  Just try not to drink too much coffee…” – Michael Vavrus, MiT faculty.

One of the big assignments we have this quarter is a synthesis essay in which we are supposed to integrate everything we’re studying to address schooling, learning, and teaching.  That means things from our texts and other articles we’ve read, films we’ve watched, lectures, workshops, seminars, and observations from over the course of nine weeks.  It’s a lot to put together into one paper.

To get us started on this mammoth task our faculty had us turn in a complete draft of our paper at the end of week 7, a little over a week ago.  Obviously we wouldn’t have the information from weeks 8 and 9 to use in our synthesis, but they felt we’d have plenty to work with to get a good start on it, and then we could integrate the rest later.  And they were right; it was plenty!

I spent a lot of time preparing for this paper, since the idea of synthesizing all this information seemed daunting, even intimidating.  I used my new pad of newsprint paper and my fancy markers and worked hard at getting my ideas out so I could organize them.  It worked pretty well.  I ended up making different posters for schooling, learning, and teaching that drew on the material from the class.  It was especially helpful when I actually got down to writing, since I hung the posters on my wall in front of where I was working.

The whole process, especially toward the end of week 7 when the drafts were due, made me really glad I was living alone!  I cleared my kitchen table and piled it with books, articles, handouts, observation and class notebooks, previous work, and anything else that might be helpful, as well as the constant cup of chai.  I put posters on the wall.  I spread out papers all over my living room floor.  I even broke out my set of shower crayons and hurriedly scribbled notes to myself as they occurred to me on the shower wall or the mirror over the sink.  Each day that brought us closer to the due date found me more focused on and more absorbed in this paper.  The quote from my faculty at the start of this post began to really resemble my life, and those of my colleagues!

Wednesday night I managed about five and a half hours of sleep after working on my paper, then I had to get up early and head to the middle school for our last round of observations there.  After observations we had the rest of the day to ourselves, which meant one thing for all of us: writing our papers.

Most of Thursday is a blur in retrospect: maniacally working on my paper surrounded by my posters and books, taking short breaks to commiserate or conspire about references with colleagues on facebook, caffeine, and more frantic and excited writing.  I was able to avoid a complete all-nighter, and got about 3 hours of sleep before having to get up and head to campus for our day of reckoning.  I have to say I think I made it through the rest of that day (writing workshop and a workshop on operationalizing knowledge) fairly well for only three hours of sleep before emerging from my manic cocoon into more material and learning.

But what strikes me most is the fact that even at it’s most challenging, it’s most grueling and taxing point, I was still excited about what I was doing, about the information I was exploring, about the product I was creating.  Even synthesis-paper-induced-insanity can’t dampen my enthusiasm for this program!!

Though it did take me a while to recover…

And just to share; some pictures of my paper preparation and state of mania

O que eu mais gosto nesse filme? A mania de fazer listas.

Top five things I miss about Laura:  1 - Sense of humor. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she’s got one of the best all time laughs in the history of all time laughs, she laughs with her entire body.  2-  she’s got character. Or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She’s loyal and honest, and she doesn’t even take it out on people when she’s having a bad day. That’s character. 3 – miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It’s a mystery of human chemistry and I don’t understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home. 4 – I really dig how she walks around. It’s like she doesn’t care how she looks or what she projects and it’s not that she doesn’t care it’s just, she’s not affected I guess, and that gives her grace. And 5; she does this thing in bed when she can’t get to sleep, she kinda half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times… it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy but it’s just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff and that’s the kind of thing that got me here.

E não é só uma mania. Tem todo o cuidado por trás (The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention.  Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don’t wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules)  e o indescritível prazer de dividir isso com os amigos:

PS1: Esse post é dedicado aos bons amigos e a todas as listas que a gente já fez em uma mesa de bar.

PS2: Eu gosto mais do Nick Hornby na telona do que nos livros. #prontofalei.

PS3: Nada de citar o slogan de Tostines. Daqui pra frente é Alta Fidelidade: What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? 
 

PS4: O Jack pode cantar, mas eu ainda sinto vergonha alheia.

PS4: Quem viu o último American Idol pôde acompanhar a ‘performance’ do Jack com a Gladys Knight, Ben Stiller e o #1 (que, como sempre, roubou a cena né?) para promover Trovão Tropical.

Jade is an animal rights activist petitioning the cosmetics industry. After being challenged by Madame Dubois, a beauty industry empress, Jade dreams of starting her own earth friendly spa. To do this, she must first learn the ropes and deliver 5-star service in San Francisco. Use your Time Management skills to please guests with massages, facials, mud masks, and more. Use profits for things like ginseng tea and other upgrades. Can you manage the Spa Mania and indulge needy patrons?

Time Management challenge

Customize Jade`s look

Earn upgrades

Run a 5-star spa!

System Requirements:

OS: Windows XP/Vista

CPU: 600 Mhz

RAM: 256 MB

DirectX: 9.0

Hard Drive: 47 MB

It Takes Just A second To Say Thanks,

It Takes Longer To The Work On This.

Spa Mania

Taiteilijathan ei selittele mitään, mutta oheisessa haastattelussa höpisen myös pelialasarjiksesta. Puhun siitä artikkelin loppupuolella.

Welcome to my blog, which is all about my mental health.

I decided to start blogging, as I thought it would be a useful tool for me to track my progress, as well as giving others a little bit more of an insight into mental health.

I first realised I had a mental health problems when I was 18. I had my first bout of depression. However, with hindsight, I think the build up to the depression was actually mania.

I had left college with decent a-levels and decided to take a year out before I went to university, and work full-time. It all started off well and I actually liked the job. After a few months though, I started to hate it and I wasn’t acting like my usual self. I started spending a lot of money, which I didn’t have – I took out loans and credit cards, without thinking about how I was going to pay it back. I bought a car, clothes  and went out drinking almost every night of the week.

At the time it all felt great, but then when the bills started rolling in I got depressed and hated myself. My family didn’t understand either, there were constant arguments about what I was doing and where I was going. I felt so confused and it finally got to the stage where I couldn’t stand anymore.

One day I called in sick to work and told them I had a migraine. I spoke to my brother, who was living in Bristol at the time and told him how I felt. He told me to go to the doctors.

I went to the doctors and broke down in tears, but I didn’t tell her the full extent of how I felt. She signed me off for two weeks with stress, as I didn’t want work to know I was depressed – the stigma had started.

Friends,

My doctor told me that I, like a horse, needed blinders in the form of a tranquilizing anti-psychotic.

He said the prescription was warranted by my political views.

I simply said, “Ten daily milligrams of one man-made chemical poison is better than 1500 mg daily of any other.”

I think we both won in that situation.

Truly yours,

Rice Cutgrass

CrazyTalk PRO wajah interface revolusioner animasi dengan real-time kontrol puppeteering memberdayakan Anda dengan kinerja perintah ekspresi wajah karakter. Program ini menyediakan fungsi-fungsi lanjutan dan produktivitas dengan yang paling inovatif dan dapat diakses fitur yang memungkinkan Anda untuk komando dan kontrol pertunjukan wajah yang belum pernah ada sebelumnya.

SEDOT

Nanny Mania 2 (81 MB download)
Nanny Mania is back with a brand new adventure! The sequel to the number one hit puts you in the middle of a celebrity family in need of a super nanny! In Hollywood, being a stay-at-home mom is a lot of work. Can you bring our celebrity star back from the brink of destruction? User your time management skills to take care of the house, the kids, and the egos, all while keeping the paparazzi at bay!

KALAU sudah paham silahkan bonusnya di ambil

185 Free Photoshop Actions | 12 MB

Photoshop New 46 Actions | 2.9 MB

Adobe Photoshop Action | 1.41 MB

Wild Things Actions Photoshop Action | 1.06 MB

e-Cover Photoshop Action l 1.15 MB

SEDOT a

SEDOT b

pilih salah satu ajah

Photoshop Actions – TextEffects | 1.5 MB

SEDOT

Rick Kelly’s 58 Photoshop Commercial Actions | 1282 KB

SEDOT

COOL LATEST Photoshop Actions for PHOTO EFFECTS | 3.2 MB

60 Useful Photoshop Actions For Photo Enhancements | 23420 KB

pingin sharing ajah yang fans silahkan di sedot

A

Acha -http://rapidshare.com/files/119979368/Acha.rar
Ade Fitrie -http://rapidshare.com/files/165933608/Ade_Fitrie.rar
Ade Herlina -http://rapidshare.com/files/193273168/Ade_Herlina.rar
Afifa Shafira -http://rapidshare.com/files/136042248/Afifa_Shafira.rar
Agni Pratistha -http://rapidshare.com/files/135245523/Agni_Pratistha.rar
Alena -http://rapidshare.com/files/120171858/Alena.rar
Anggun -http://rapidshare.com/files/120188304/Anggun.rar
Andien -http://rapidshare.com/files/121825368/Andien.rar
Andrea Lee -http://rapidshare.com/files/141188564/Andrea_Lee.rar
Alexandra Asmasoebrata -http://rapidshare.com/files/163351603/Alexandra_Asmasoebrata.rar
Alice Norin -http://rapidshare.com/files/144115526/Alice_Norin.rar
Alyssa Soebandono -http://rapidshare.com/files/118170751/Alyssa_Soebandono.rar
Alexandra Gottardo -http://rapidshare.com/files/121150013/Alexandra_Gottardo.rar
Andi Soraya -http://rapidshare.com/files/122981728/Andi_Soraya.rar
Andhara Early -http://rapidshare.com/files/121588564/Andhara_Early.rar
Andrea Dian -http://rapidshare.com/files/123564231/Andrea_Dian.rar
Anita Hara -http://rapidshare.com/files/118171072/Anita_Hara.rar
Angel Karamoy -http://rapidshare.com/files/120745775/Angel_Karamoy.rar
Angelina Sondakh -http://rapidshare.com/files/140209339/Angelina_Sondakh.rar
Anna Maria -http://rapidshare.com/files/169176254/Anna_Maria.rar
Annisa Pohan -http://rapidshare.com/files/121830104/Annisa_Pohan.rar
Annisa Larasati Pohan -http://rapidshare.com/files/122785093/Annisa_Larasati_Pohan.rar
Annisa Trihapsari -http://rapidshare.com/files/122826451/Annisa_Trihapsari.rar
Ardina Rasti -http://rapidshare.com/files/118175232/Ardina_Rasti.rar
Artika Sari Devi -http://rapidshare.com/files/118179219/Artika_Sari_Devi.rar
Adinia Wirasti -http://rapidshare.com/files/122762892/Adinia_Wirasti.rar
Angel Lelga -http://rapidshare.com/files/149602037/Angel_Lelga.rar
Angie Virgin -http://rapidshare.com/files/122765107/Angie_Virgin.rar
Asmirandah -http://rapidshare.com/files/118181996/Asmirandah.rar
Asti Asmodiwati -http://rapidshare.com/files/163351604/Asti_Asmodiwati.rar
Asty Ananta -http://rapidshare.com/files/118182519/Asty_Anata.rar
Asha Shara -http://rapidshare.com/files/121151725/Asha_Shara.rar
Arumi -http://rapidshare.com/files/125737634/Arumi.rar
Agnes Monica -http://rapidshare.com/files/118186830/Agnes_Monica.rar
Aura Kasih -http://rapidshare.com/files/141182475/Aura_Kasih.rar
Ayu Anjani -http://rapidshare.com/files/118183292/Ayu_Anjani.rar
Audy -http://rapidshare.com/files/120026994/Audy.rar
Astrid Tiar -http://rapidshare.com/files/120189313/Astrid_Tiar.rar
Alya Rohali -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036235/Alya_Rohali.rar
Ayu Pratiwi -http://rapidshare.com/files/142014088/Ayu_Pratiwi.rar
Ayu Shita -http://rapidshare.com/files/126051198/Ayu_Shita.rar
Ayu Azhari -http://rapidshare.com/files/120412019/Ayu_Azhari.rar
Ayu Laksmi -http://rapidshare.com/files/193273170/Ayu_Laksmi.rar
Ayi Astari -http://rapidshare.com/files/193273169/Ayu_Astari.rar
Ayudia Bing Slamet -http://rapidshare.com/files/123470678/Ayudia_Bing_Slamet.rar
Ayunia Pramesty -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036236/Ayunia_Pramesty.rar

B

Baby Margaretha -http://rapidshare.com/files/118285846/Baby_Margaretha.rar
Bunga Citra Lestari -http://rapidshare.com/files/118283533/Bunga_Citra_Lestari.rar
BBB -http://rapidshare.com/files/118274216/BBB.rar
Becky Tumewu -http://rapidshare.com/files/193273171/Becky_Tumewu.rar
Bella Saphira -http://rapidshare.com/files/118274498/Bella_Saphira.rar
Bunga Zaenal -http://rapidshare.com/files/118283843/Bunga_Zaenal.rar

C

Cahya Kamila -http://rapidshare.com/files/196778822/Cahya_Kamila.rar
Cantika Atmanegara -http://rapidshare.com/files/123474511/Cantika_Atmanegara.rar
Carissa Putri -http://rapidshare.com/files/121861651/Carissa_Putri.rar
Catherine Wilson -http://rapidshare.com/files/124593795/Catherine_Wilson.rar
Cathy Sharon VJ MTV -http://rapidshare.com/files/120406141/Cathy_Sharon_VJ_MTV.rar
Celine Evangelista -http://rapidshare.com/files/131755831/Celine_Evangelista.rar
Chacha Frederica -http://rapidshare.com/files/118294326/Chacha_Frederica.rar
Chelsea Olivia -http://rapidshare.com/files/118288410/Chelsea_Olivia.rar
Chika -http://rapidshare.com/files/118294255/Chika.rar
Chikita Meidy -http://rapidshare.com/files/135810852/Chikita_Meidy.rar
Chintya Lamusu -http://rapidshare.com/files/121832437/Chintya_Lamusu.rar
Cheche Kirani -http://rapidshare.com/files/121831154/Cheche_Kirani.rar
Chyntiara Alona -http://rapidshare.com/files/167115455/Chyntiara_Alona.rar
Cucu Cahyati -http://rapidshare.com/files/175455767/Cucu_Cahyati.rar
Cut Tari -http://rapidshare.com/files/119912521/Cut_Tari.rar
Cut Keke -http://rapidshare.com/files/119915758/Cut_Keke.rar
Cut Memey -http://rapidshare.com/files/122778257/Cut_Memey.rar
Cut Mini -http://rapidshare.com/files/148221512/Cut_Mini.rar
Cindy Fatika Sari -http://rapidshare.com/files/120189744/Cindy_Fatika_Sari.rar
Citra Yunita -http://rapidshare.com/files/120468220/Citra_Yunita.rar
Cinta Laura -http://rapidshare.com/files/120473382/Cinta_Laura.rar

D

Davina -http://rapidshare.com/files/153751424/Davina.rar
Davina Veronica -http://rapidshare.com/files/121590501/Davina_Veronica.rar
Dea Ananda -http://rapidshare.com/files/123967290/Dea_Ananda.rar
Dea Imut -http://rapidshare.com/files/118295053/Dea_Imut.rar
Dea Mirella -http://rapidshare.com/files/121643873/Dea_Mirella.rar
Debby Ayu -http://rapidshare.com/files/165331570/Debby_Ayu.rar
Della Citra -http://rapidshare.com/files/122782348/Della_Citra.rar
Della Puspita -http://rapidshare.com/files/122822979/Della_Puspita.rar
Denada -http://rapidshare.com/files/127287323/Denada.rar
Deswita Maharani -http://rapidshare.com/files/122819588/Deswita_Maharani.rar
Devy Permatasari -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036237/Devy_Permatasari.rar
Desy Ratnasari -http://rapidshare.com/files/122816957/Desy_Ratnasari.rar
Dewi Gita -http://rapidshare.com/files/165933609/Dewi_Gita.rar
Dewi Lestari -http://rapidshare.com/files/129816526/Dewi_Lestari.rar
Dewi Persik -http://rapidshare.com/files/118297290/Dewi_Persik.rar
Dewi Sandra -http://rapidshare.com/files/119679078/Dewi_Sandra.rar
Dewi-Dewi -http://rapidshare.com/files/118299971/Dewi-Dewi.rar
Dewi Rezer -http://rapidshare.com/files/159235724/Dewi_Rezer.rar
Dhini Aminarti -http://rapidshare.com/files/119684573/Dhini_Aminarti.rar
Diah Permatasari -http://rapidshare.com/files/122814725/Diah_Permatasari.rar
Dian Sastro -http://rapidshare.com/files/118435768/Dian_Sastro.rar
Dian Nitami -http://rapidshare.com/files/120409314/Dian_Nitami.rar
Diana Pungky -http://rapidshare.com/files/124436610/Diana_Pungky.rar
Dina Lorenza -http://rapidshare.com/files/122758272/Dina_Lorenza.rar
Dina Mariana -http://rapidshare.com/files/139647771/Dina_Mariana.rar
Dinda Kanyadewi -http://rapidshare.com/files/123474792/Dinda_Kanyadewi.rar
Dinna Olivia -http://rapidshare.com/files/119440056/Dinna_Olivia.rar
Duo Maia -http://rapidshare.com/files/140212185/Duo_Maia.rar
Dominique Agisca -http://rapidshare.com/files/119440057/Dominique_Agisca_Diyose.rar
Donita -http://rapidshare.com/files/119440058/Donita.rar
Donna Agnesia -http://rapidshare.com/files/119778739/Donna_Agnesia.rar
Dwi Putrantiwi -http://rapidshare.com/files/121644438/Dwi_Putrantiwi.rar

Elma Theana -http://rapidshare.com/files/122796766/Elma_Theana.rar
Emma Waroka -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036239/Emma_Waroka.rar
Endhita -http://rapidshare.com/files/122787854/Endhita.rar
Erie Susan -http://rapidshare.com/files/193277699/Erie_Susan.rar
Ersa Mayori -http://rapidshare.com/files/193277701/Ersa_Mayori.rar
Eva Celia Latjuba -http://rapidshare.com/files/138624493/Eva_Celia_Latjuba.rar

Fahrani -http://rapidshare.com/files/127287324/Fahrani.rar
Farawahida -http://rapidshare.com/files/163351605/Farawahida.rar
Farach Diana -http://rapidshare.com/files/154591378/Farach_Diana.rar
Feby Febiola -http://rapidshare.com/files/122761288/Feby_Febiola.rar
Femmy Permatasari -http://rapidshare.com/files/138413025/Femmy_Permatasari.rar
Fifie Buntaran -http://rapidshare.com/files/136704335/Fifie_Buntaran.rar
Fitri Ayu Maresa -http://rapidshare.com/files/118301852/Fitri_Ayu_Maresa.rar
Five Vi -http://rapidshare.com/files/118452035/Five_Vi.rar
Francine Roosenda -http://rapidshare.com/files/123939058/Francine_Roosenda_Yachinta.rar

Garasi -http://rapidshare.com/files/118436115/Garasi.rar
Gisel -http://rapidshare.com/files/134765392/Gisel_Indonesian_Idol.rar
Gisela Cindy -http://rapidshare.com/files/175456167/Gisela_Cindy.rar
Gita Gutawa -http://rapidshare.com/files/118449512/Gita_Gutawa.rar
Glitterz -http://rapidshare.com/files/145676283/Glitterz.rar
Gracia Indri -http://rapidshare.com/files/118451354/Gracia_Indri.rar
Gretha Martini -http://rapidshare.com/files/165933610/Gretha_Martini.rar
Garneta Haruni -http://rapidshare.com/files/120465555/Garneta_Haruni.rar

Helena -http://rapidshare.com/files/119310853/Helena.rar
Hemalia Putri -http://rapidshare.com/files/155115546/Hemalia_Putri.rar
Happy Salma -http://rapidshare.com/files/119983543/Happy_Salma.rar
Hesty Purwadinata -http://rapidshare.com/files/193277702/Hesty_Purwadinata.rar

Ida Ameida -http://rapidshare.com/files/147984270/Ida_Ameida.rar
Ika Putri -http://rapidshare.com/files/123967291/Ika_Putri.rar
Iis Dahlia -http://rapidshare.com/files/175463600/Iis_Dahlia.rar
Ine Febriyanti -http://rapidshare.com/files/164574735/Ine_Febriyanti.rar
Imelda Fransisca -http://rapidshare.com/files/127287325/Imelda_Fransisca.rar
Imelda Therinne -http://rapidshare.com/files/122757663/Imelda_Therinne.rar
Inul Daratista -http://rapidshare.com/files/119933989/Inul_Daratista.rar
Indah Pelapory -http://rapidshare.com/files/119997966/Indah_Pelapory.rar
Indah Kalalo -http://rapidshare.com/files/122759578/Indah_Kalalo.rar
Intan Ayu -http://rapidshare.com/files/124840256/Intan_Ayu.rar
Intan Nuraini -http://rapidshare.com/files/122781948/Intan_Nuraini.rar
Isabel Yahya -http://rapidshare.com/files/169176256/Isabel_Yahya.rar
Ita Purnamasari -http://rapidshare.com/files/172075169/Ita_Purnamasari.rar
Ira Wibowo -http://rapidshare.com/files/134695194/Ira_Wibowo.rar

Jane Shalimar -http://rapidshare.com/files/142275474/Jane_Shalimar.rar
Jenar Mahesa Ayu -http://rapidshare.com/files/121829148/Jenar_Mahesa_Ayu.rar
Jennifer Arnelita -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036841/Jennifer_Arnelita.rar
Jessica Iskandar -http://rapidshare.com/files/122060152/Jessica_Iskandar.rar
Joanna Alexandra -http://rapidshare.com/files/118543685/Joanna_Alexandra.rar
Julia Perez -http://rapidshare.com/files/118781342/Julia_Perez.rar
Julie Estelle -http://rapidshare.com/files/119556977/Julie_Estelle.rar
Juwita -http://rapidshare.com/files/143548916/Juwita.rar
Joy Tobing -http://rapidshare.com/files/123475593/Joy_Tobing.rar

Kiki Amalia -http://rapidshare.com/files/123232965/Kiki_Amalia.rar
Kiki Fatmala -http://rapidshare.com/files/124840255/Kiki_Fatmala.rar
Kimberly Ryder -http://rapidshare.com/files/151040901/Kimberly_Ryder.rar
Kinaryosih -http://rapidshare.com/files/119783722/Kinaryosih.rar
Kirana Larasati -http://rapidshare.com/files/118547475/Kirana_Larasati.rar
Krisdayanti -http://rapidshare.com/files/119792831/Krisdayanti.rar
Kristina -http://rapidshare.com/files/138639710/Kristina.rar
Karenina -http://rapidshare.com/files/120022260/Karenina.rar

Ladya Cherryl -http://rapidshare.com/files/121828884/Ladya_Cherryl.rar
Laudya Cynthia Bella -http://rapidshare.com/files/118531295/Laudya_Cynthia_Bella.rar
Leony -http://rapidshare.com/files/119796506/Leony.rar
Lia Ananta -http://rapidshare.com/files/122794148/Lia_Ananta.rar
Lidya Pratiwi -http://rapdshare.com/files/138706248/Lidya_Pratiwi.rar
Lilis Karlina -http://rapidshare.com/files/175457323/Lilis_Karlina.rar
Lina Karlina -http://rapidshare.com/files/139257055/Lina_Karlina.rar
Liza Natalia -http://rapidshare.com/files/165954952/Liza_Natalia.rar
Lulu Tobing -http://rapidshare.com/files/124383104/Lulu_Tobing.rar
Lula Kamal -http://rapidshare.com/files/124383100/Lula_Kamal.rar
Luna Maya -http://rapidshare.com/files/118542999/Luna_Maya.rar
Lusy Rahmawati -http://rapidshare.com/files/122786734/Lusy_Rahmawati.rar
Lux Beauty -http://rapidshare.com/files/118460067/Lux_Beauty.rar
Lyra Virna -http://rapidshare.com/files/121593803/Lyra_Virna.rar

Maia Estianti -http://rapidshare.com/files/118802638/Maia_Estianti.rar
Marcela Zalianty -http://rapidshare.com/files/118796571/Marcela_Zalianty.rar
Mahadewi -http://rapidshare.com/files/193277703/Mahadewi.rar
Maria Eva -http://rapidshare.com/files/138886073/Maria_Eva.rar
Mariana Renata -http://rapidshare.com/files/119296923/Mariana_Renata.rar
Marini Zumarnis -http://rapidshare.com/files/122757115/Marini_Zumarnis.rar
Marissa Jeffryna -http://rapidshare.com/files/119313921/Marissa_Jeffryna.rar
Marissa VJ -http://rapidshare.com/files/119796867/Marissa_VJ_MTV.rar
Marissa SSTI -http://rapidshare.com/files/196778823/Marissa_SSTI.rar
Marsha Timothy -http://rapidshare.com/files/119565314/Marsha_Timothy.rar
Marshanda -http://rapidshare.com/files/118546754/Marshanda.rar
Maria Agnes -http://rapidshare.com/files/122767558/Maria_Agnes.rar
Masayu Anastasia -http://rapidshare.com/files/119801558/Masayu_Anastasia.rar
Mawar AFI -http://rapidshare.com/files/127292634/Mawar_AFI.rar
Maya Hasan -http://rapidshare.com/files/147059875/Maya_Hasan.rar
Mayangsari -http://rapidshare.com/files/122784166/Mayangsari.rar
Meisya Siregar -http://rapidshare.com/files/128902987/Meisya_Siregar.rar
Melanie Putria -http://rapidshare.com/files/122981729/Melanie_Putria.rar
Melanie Subono -http://rapidshare.com/files/127292637/Melanie_Subono.rar
Melly Goeslaw -http://rapidshare.com/files/169176257/Melly_Goeslaw.ra
Mellisa Karim -http://rapidshare.com/files/161101053/Melissa_Karim.rar
Melly Manuhutu -http://rapidshare.com/files/145176614/Melly_Manuhutu.rar
Memes -http://rapidshare.com/files/121835471/Memes.rar
Merry Putrian -http://rapidshare.com/files/148579252/Merry_Putrian.rar
Mey Chan -http://rapidshare.com/files/145414012/Mey_Chan.rar
Mirasih Tyas Endah -http://rapidshare.com/files/121153098/Mirasih_Tyas_Endah.rar
Mulan Jameela -http://rapidshare.com/files/119308770/Mulan_Jameela.rar
Magdalena -http://rapidshare.com/files/118778845/Magdalena.rar
Maudy Koesnaedi -http://rapidshare.com/files/120000015/Maudy_Koesnaedi.rar
Mona Ratuliu -http://rapidshare.com/files/122769267/Mona_Ratuliu.rar

Nabila Syakieb -http://rapidshare.com/files/118780129/Nabila_Syakieb.rar
Nadia Saphira -http://rapidshare.com/files/119549836/Nadia_Saphira.rar
Nadia Stephanie -http://rapidshare.com/files/118779033/Nadia_Stephanie.rar
Nadia Vega -http://rapidshare.com/files/118784187/Nadia_Vega.rar
Nadia Vela -http://rapidshare.com/files/155115547/Nadia_Vela.rar
Nadila Ernesta -http://rapidshare.com/files/118780500/Nadila_Ernesta.rar
Nadine -http://rapidshare.com/files/119426789/Nadine.rar
Nadya Hutagalung -http://rapidshare.com/files/121154906/Nadya_Hutagalung.rar
Nafa Urbach -http://rapidshare.com/files/118793452/Nafa_Urbach.rar
Nagita Slavina -http://rapidshare.com/files/118782010/Nagita_Slavina.rar
Nana & Naysilla Mirdad -http://rapidshare.com/files/119681735/Nana___Naysilla_Mirdad.rar
Nana Khairina -http://rapidshare.com/files/121160302/Nana_Khairina.rar
Nia Daniati -http://rapidshare.com/files/124593794/Nia_Daniati.rar
Nia Dinata -http://rapidshare.com/files/165331573/Nia_Dinata.rar
Nia Ramadhani -http://rapidshare.com/files/119674356/Nia_Ramadhani.rar
Nikita Willy -http://rapidshare.com/files/119313920/Nikita_Willy.rar
Nita Thalia -http://rapidshare.com/files/129816527/Nita_Thalia.rar
Nina Tamam -http://rapidshare.com/files/119803516/Nina_Tamam.rar
Nirina Zubir -http://rapidshare.com/files/119669047/Nirina_Zubir.rar
Nuri Maulida -http://rapidshare.com/files/123939059/Nuri_Maulida.rar
Nuri Shaden -http://rapidshare.com/files/136995438/Nuri_Shaden.rar
Nola -http://rapidshare.com/files/124434019/Nola.rar
Nova Eliza -http://rapidshare.com/files/119989950/Nova_Eliza.rar
Novita Angie -http://rapidshare.com/files/163351606/Novita_Angie.rar

Olga Lidya -http://rapidshare.com/files/121828656/Olga_Lidya.rar
Olivia Patricia -http://rapidshare.com/files/121828771/Olivia_Patricia.rar
Olivia Zalianty -http://rapidshare.com/files/121834642/Olivia_Zalianty.rar

Paramitha Rusady -http://rapidshare.com/files/119909160/Paramitha_Rusady.rar
Pevita -http://rapidshare.com/files/118786229/Pevita.rar
Pingkan -http://rapidshare.com/files/119901091/Pingkan.rar
Putri Raemawasti -http://rapidshare.com/files/126053964/Putri_Raemawasti.rar
Putri Patricia -http://rapidshare.com/files/120194249/Putri_Patricia.rar
Putri Titian -http://rapidshare.com/files/118779514/Putri_Titian.rar
Peggy Melati Sukma -http://rapidshare.com/files/120191104/Peggy_Melati_Sukma.rar
Putty Noor -http://rapidshare.com/files/165653100/Putty_Noor.rar
Purie Dewi-Dewi -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036240/Purie_Dewi-Dewi.rar
Prisa J-Rocks -http://rapidshare.com/files/120465886/Prisa_J-Rocks.rar

Rachel Amanda -http://rapidshare.com/files/118780728/Rachel_Amanda.rar
Rahma Azhari -http://rapidshare.com/files/120437490/Rahma_Azhari.rar
Rachel Maryam -http://rapidshare.com/files/119905689/Rachel_Maryam.rar
Raslina Rasyidin -http://rapidshare.com/files/134977587/Raslina_Rasyidin.rar
Rani Soraya -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036241/Rani_Soraya.rar
Ratna Damayanti -http://rapidshare.com/files/193288162/Ratna_Damayanti.rar
Ratu -http://rapidshare.com/files/118788174/Ratu.rar
Ratu Felisha -http://rapidshare.com/files/118516411/Ratu_Felisha.rar
Ratna Galih -http://rapidshare.com/files/120746253/Ratna_Galih.rar
Ratna Listy -http://rapidshare.com/files/122770270/Ratna_Listy.rar
Rara Wiritanaya [url]-http://rapidshare.com/files/129605673/Rara_Wiritanaya.rar
Raya Kohandi -http://rapidshare.com/files/118458459/Raya_Kohandi.rar
Revalina -http://rapidshare.com/files/119661358/Revalina.rar
Rebecca -http://rapidshare.com/files/120924403/Rebecca.rar
Reni Yuliana -http://rapidshare.com/files/163602784/Reni_Yuliana.rar
Rheina Ipeh -http://rapidshare.com/files/175458088/Rheina_Ipeh.rar
Rianti Cartwright -http://rapidshare.com/files/119544117/Rianti_Cartwright.rar
Rieke Dyah Pitaloka -http://rapidshare.com/files/120750406/Rieke_Dyah_Pitaloka.rar
Rini Idol -http://rapidshare.com/files/146467258/Rini_Idol.rar
Rika Roeslan -http://rapidshare.com/files/137263762/Rika_Roeslan.rar
RSD -http://rapidshare.com/files/122783224/RSD.rar
Richa Novisha -http://rapidshare.com/files/163351607/Richa_Novisha.rar
Risti Tagor -http://rapidshare.com/files/124657401/Risty_Tagor.rar
Ririn Dwi Ariyanti -http://rapidshare.com/files/121176765/Ririn_Dwi_Ariyanti.rar
Roro Rahmawati -http://rapidshare.com/files/145940355/Roro_Rahmawati.rar
Rossa -http://rapidshare.com/files/119935735/Rossa.rar
Rosillia Octo Fany -http://rapidshare.com/files/193288163/Rosillia_Octo_Fany.rar

Sabrina Salsabila -http://rapidshare.com/files/120752704/Sabrina_Salsabila.rar
Sandra Dewi -http://rapidshare.com/files/118525816/Sandra_Dewi.rar
Sandra Angelia -http://rapidshare.com/files/121649899/Sandra_Angelia.rar
Sania -http://rapidshare.com/files/147059876/Sania.rar
Sally Marcelina -http://rapidshare.com/files/121649646/Sally_Marcelina.rar
Sarah Azhari -http://rapidshare.com/files/120442896/Sarah_Azhari.rar
Sarah Sechan -http://rapidshare.com/files/121173212/Sarah_Sechan.rar
Shandy Aulia -http://rapidshare.com/files/118790739/Shandy_Aulia.rar
Shanty -http://rapidshare.com/files/119996635/Shanty.rar
Shandrina Zatulini -http://rapidshare.com/files/193288164/Shandrina_Zatulini.rar
Sheila Marcia -http://rapidshare.com/files/118519445/Sheila_Marcia.rar
Shareefa Daanish -http://rapidshare.com/files/140767966/Shareefa_Daanish.rar
Sharenna Gunawan -http://rapidshare.com/files/118774597/Sharenna_Gunawan_Gadis_XL.rar
Sherlotta Shenk -http://rapidshare.com/files/196778824/Sherlotta_Shenk.rar
Sigi Wimala -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036242/Sigi_Wimala.rar
Siti Nurhaliza -http://rapidshare.com/files/120209646/Siti_Nurhaliza.rar
Siska Jesika -http://rapidshare.com/files/160255074/Siska_Jesika.rar
Sissy Priscillia -http://rapidshare.com/files/121181014/Sissy_Priscillia.rar
Shenny Andrea -http://rapidshare.com/files/121860345/Shenny_Andrea.rar
Shelomita -http://rapidshare.com/files/121862732/Shelomita.rar
Sherina -http://rapidshare.com/files/119681734/Sherina.rar
Sheza Idris -http://rapidshare.com/files/154591379/Sheza_Idris.rar
Shireen Sungkar -http://rapidshare.com/files/119681733/Shireen_Sungkar.rar
Syaharani -http://rapidshare.com/files/172079443/Syaharani.rar
Syahrini -http://rapidshare.com/files/119313918/Syahrini.rar
Sylvana Herman -http://rapidshare.com/files/164574736/Sylvana_Herman.rar
Sophia Latjuba-http://rapidshare.com/files/120211951/Sophia_Latjuba.rar
Sophie Navita -http://rapidshare.com/files/121647852/Sophie_Navita.rar
Susan Bachtiar -http://rapidshare.com/files/128321494/Susan_Bachtiar.rar

T2 -http://rapidshare.com/files/119316398/T2.rar
Tasya -http://rapidshare.com/files/120905442/Tasya.rar
Tamara Bleszynski -http://rapidshare.com/files/120221115/Tamara_Bleszynski.rar
Tamara Geraldine -http://rapidshare.com/files/120214234/Tamara_Geraldine.rar
Tania -http://rapidshare.com/files/140209943/Tania.rar
Tata Dewi-Dewi -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036243/Tata_Dewi-Dewi.rar
Tia AFI -http://rapidshare.com/files/135810851/Tia_AFI.rar
Tia Ivanaka -http://rapidshare.com/files/120000017/Tia_Ivanka.rar
Tika T2 -http://rapidshare.com/files/147059877/Tika_T2.rar
Tika Putri -http://rapidshare.com/files/163351608/Tika_Putri.rar
Tina Astari -http://rapidshare.com/files/127292638/Tina_Astari.rar
Tere -http://rapidshare.com/files/119685951/Tere.rar
Tessa Kaunang -http://rapidshare.com/files/121837502/Tessa_Kaunang.rar
Terry Putri -http://rapidshare.com/files/119316399/Terry_Putri.rar
Tiara -http://rapidshare.com/files/119919135/Tiara.rar
Tina Toon -http://rapidshare.com/files/138982995/Tina_Toon.rar
Titi Kamal -http://rapidshare.com/files/119434501/Titi_Kamal.rar
Titi DJ -http://rapidshare.com/files/122773955/Titi_DJ.rar
Tiwi T2 -http://rapidshare.com/files/147059878/Tiwi_T2.rar
Thalita Annemarie Latief -http://rapidshare.com/files/145439502/Thalita_Annemarie_Latief.rar
The Sisters -http://rapidshare.com/files/159235725/The_Sisters.rar
Tya Ariestya -http://rapidshare.com/files/146445767/Tya_Ariestya.rar

Uli Auliani -http://rapidshare.com/files/120466072/Uli_Auliani.rar
Ussy Sulistiawaty -http://rapidshare.com/files/122767269/Ussy_Sulistiawaty.rar

Vega Darmawanti -http://rapidshare.com/files/158036244/Vega_Darmawanti.rar
Vega Ngatini -http://rapidshare.com/files/118547672/Vega_Ngatini.rar
Velove Vexia -http://rapidshare.com/files/118450221/Velove_Vexia.rar
Venna Melinda -http://rapidshare.com/files/122754772/Venna_Melinda.rar
Verlita Evelyn -http://rapidshare.com/files/122752758/Verlita_Evelyn.rar
Viona -http://rapidshare.com/files/139684344/Viona.rar
Vonny Cornelia -http://rapidshare.com/files/120467322/Vonny_Cornelia.rar

Widi Mulia -http://rapidshare.com/files/139686563/Widi_Mulia.rar
Wiwid Gunawan -http://rapidshare.com/files/118455443/Wiwid_Gunawan.rar
Wulan Guritno -http://rapidshare.com/files/118512544/Wulan_Guritno.rar

Yanne -http://rapidshare.com/files/131755832/Yanne.rar
Yeyen Lidya -http://rapidshare.com/files/118457945/Yeyen_Lidya.rar
Yulia Rachman -http://rapidshare.com/files/175459874/Yulia_Rachman.rar
Yuni Shara -http://rapidshare.com/files/120471883/Yuni_Shara.rar

Zaskia Sungkar -http://rapidshare.com/files/196778825/Zaskia_Sungkar.rar
Zarima -http://rapidshare.com/files/123233695/Zarima.rar
Zora Vidyanata -http://rapidshare.com/files/161501737/Zora_Vidyanata.rar

5 Wanita -http://rapidshare.com/files/139257052/5_Wanita.rar

Credit :thx to PissLUR

Things my mother is obsessing about this weekend:

1. Swine Flu. Did I get the vaccine? Why not? When am I going to get it? Why wouldn’t I get it. Please listen to me rattle off every fact ever written on Swine Flu.
2. Did you make that doctors appointment? Why not? Oh you don’t like that practice and plan to find a new one? Well make the apointment. Why not? Oh… (repeat 30 times in the last 16 hours)
3. Why does your father hide stuff? (To be fair, he can be very tricky with his putting things back where they belong and have been kept the last 15 years.)

A small sampling for your enjoyment.

A few weeks ago my father and I sat down with my mother to have a very serious discussion about her illness, her denial about her illness and the ways she was destroying our family. Maybe I’ll post something about this discussion at some point since it was sort of a big deal but for now I’m just focusing on something that has become a running joke between my father and I.

In the middle of this talk I asked her why she was getting up in the middle of the night and calling her daughters  and if she felt like that wasn’t a little off behavior wise. My mom took a second, looked me square in the face and said ‘Well, have you heard of a little thing called Swine Flu?” Now for someone who hasn’t had the pleasure of dealing with a manic personality who is incapable of staying on one topic, or dealing with someone who fixates on random shit with no real rhythm or reason this may not be funny. For my father and I it was Fucking Hilarious. I mean we held it in at the moment because I mean, not even the two words of our conversation she might have held on to would have sunk in if we started making fun of her mid-talk but wow. I mean come on.

So for weeks now we’ve just been walking around and every so often we will turn to each other mid conversation and completely straight-faced say ‘Have you heard of a little thing called Swine Flu?’ Gotta take what you can when looking for the funny in a crappy situation.

It’s red-orange-yellow time!
Passion, come burn me.

Take me high,
higher,
high as you can,

so I have something to dream to
in my next blue slumber.

Many times, sleep is elusive. It happens when I’m hypomanic. I can’t bear for the day to end, I feel like I have so much to do and don’t want to waste a “really good mood.” My mind is flitting to and fro like a ping pong ball. And I’m unable to stop it. It feels like I’m being controlled, as if I’m the Energizer bunny. It’s not an altogether unpleasant state of mind except for the inability to sleep for several days on end…and the growing irritability…and some other stuff I’ve probably written about before.

Other times I can’t sleep because I don’t want the next day to come. I have a feeling of dread just thinking about what needs to be done the next day. The stuff might not be difficult to do, but it’s as if I can already feel the fatigue. This usually happens when I just need time to chill and be alone. It’s as if I can’t get enough time alone during these times. And not because I’m depressed, just because I’m an introvert and I “refuel” within the comfort of my own four walls….or out in nature.

What do I do when I can’t sleep?

• I read a good book.
• Write in my journal about what’s going on inside my head.
• Drink hot tea.
• Sometimes taking a hot bath or lighting candles and doing deep breathing works.
• Having a glass of wine rarely helps unless I drink on an empty stomach.
• I might watch mindless TV. A TV show or movie I really like is too stimulating.
• I take 3 or 4 antihistamines.

What do you do when you can’t sleep? Have you found anything really helpful?